#bgjournal

[mastersterling]

JOURNAL #10 [03/18/13]

I just can’t help this insane feeling of rage and protection I get when I think that Nick was alone with him. I know logically that Hunter wouldn’t dare try to pull something, but I still don’t trust him. And because I don’t trust him, I’m not ready to let Nick be alone with him. And it really is just this vicious cycle.

So yeah, Nick’s chained to the bed right now. I know he’s feeling pretty down about it and he’d been behaving himself so I might let him off the chains soon and take him to see Sarah. She’s been going through a lot and I think being around Nick will help her out. They always manage to bring out the best in each other, and that’s a really something they both need. So here’s to hoping.

[master-hunter]

Journal Entry.

TIME FRAME → February 25, 2013

THE LOCATION → Sarah's suite.

GENERAL NOTES → ..... epic whining. Mostly about mice.

Well, this week HAD been going well so far. Other than the move to the new location (which was annoying) and having to unpack everything (which was boring, even though I only got through about a fourth of what needed to be done), things WERE pretty relaxing around here. And then that Brittany slave (I think that's her name.. it's either Brittany or Bethany.. something like that) somehow got her disgusting pet mice up here into my suite. MY SUITE. FUCKING MICE IN MY GODDAMN SUITE. And apparently Dave helped her do it. I can't fucking believe it. I'm not really that angry, I guess, when all's said and done.. but every time I think about those nasty little creatures in there it fucking makes me want to run over and set the whole suite on fire. Mice are disgusting. And they've been in there for who knows how long. I'm probably going to get AIDS now.

Anyway... I've had Harmony in my care for a week now and I have to take her back to the cells later this afternoon. I'm kind of sorry to see her go, to be honest. She's sweet and attentive.. sometimes a little overly-attentive, but I think that's because she's nervous that I was going to take her back early or something. Anyway, I didn't mind it. I didn't even mind not having sex this week. We fooled around in other ways and it was.. sort of weirdly satisfying. Or maybe I've just been too tired this week to really care, I don't know.

I went back to the Mother Island on Wednesday... I- I don't know why I thought things would go any better this time than they did at Christmas, but.. I was really wrong. I just wanted to see her again before the relocation. I didn't know the layout of the new place before we got here.. I mean, for all I knew the mothers and the children would be in some other country somewhere. I just didn't want to take the chance of.. never seeing her again. Even though I'm pretty sure at this point that that's exactly what she wants. Anyway though.. I went to her room again. She wasn't there this time, but he was.. the little boy. Her new son. He's about four so he was born about a year after I went away to school.. which, now that I think about it, probably explains why she stopped writing around that time.

He looks a lot like me.. his hair's a little lighter.. mouth's a little wider.. but fuck if we don't have the exact same fucking eyes. I wish he'd been a little jackass like I know I was at his age, but he wasn't.. he was nice to me. Polite even. He's fucking four years old and he's fucking polite to some strange guy who walks into his mom's bedroom. I talked to him for a little while and he didn't say too much, mostly just kept trying to show me this stupid stuffed elephant thing he was playing with. I didn't care, I was just waiting for her to show up. She did, eventually. She wasn't angry.. I almost think it would've been easier to deal with all of this if she had been. She was just.. cold. Asked me what I was doing there. Like I didn't practically fucking grow up in her room, I was there so much. It's just.. it's so weird the way she looks at me now. Like she doesn't care. Like she can't wait for me to leave. I mean, is that what this new kid has to look forward to when he gets older? To have a mom who gets over missing him after a year and goes off and finds some new kid to love instead?

... I don't know. It bothered me a lot more at Christmas than it does now. At Christmas I almost.. it was just a lot worse. Now I guess some part of me expected it to be this way. Now I'm just.. depressed, but not the way I was before. I know I'll get over it faster this time.

Ugh. Now I feel like shit.. And normally when that happens I'd go take a really long bath or go read in the study, but oh right, I can't. BECAUSE THERE WERE FUCKING MICE IN MY SUITE AND NOW I'M STAYING AT SARAH'S UNTIL THEY DISINFECT THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN PLACE AND WHO FUCKING KNOWS HOW LONG THAT'S GOING TO TAKE.

GOD DAMNIT. I FUCKING HATE MICE.

[emmaboundandgagged-blog]

Journal

But anyway. Got rented out by Sebastian. He's... he's kinda chill, actually. I got along with him, at least. When I wasn't mouthing off just to be a bitch. He seemed kinda amused when I mouthed off more than anything else. So it was a nice break. Got my usual greeting when I got down to the cells, complete with customary lashes to drive the point that I'm a worthless piece of flesh home. Except, you know, it worked about as well as it has every other damn time they've tried.

Cham comforted me. Just like he always does, really. He's... He's good to me. He's learned a lot over the years about comforting me. It's nice. He's getting to be too important though. Attachments are dangerous around here if you're not claimed. Because the second you're claimed, any attachments you have are likely to go totally downhill. But I can't stay away from him.

I'm giving Darius some information on the guard soon... I don't know when he's planning to rent me, but he says he's intending to. So I can give him more of the info he needs to make the guard better and shit. It's... It's nice to see people actually wanting to change stuff. I like that he's trying. Maybe he's not so bad at the end of the day.

That's it for this week.

[mastersterling]

JOURNAL #9 [03/24/13]

Harmony kind of is onto us. Which isn’t good, not in the least, but she knows to stay quiet. At least I hope she will. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to start renting slaves again. Artie was pretty cool, so I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have more people hanging around, especially since Nick has taken to working in the kitchens. Which I guess is good because he’s paying off his debt and all. I just hope that when all is said and done the Master actually lets him go. But I don’t want to think on whether or not that’s a possibility or what happens after. It hurts too much to think about that, and I’m too happy right now to be bright down.

[master-hunter]

Journal Entry.

TIME FRAME → February 10th, 2013.

THE LOCATION → His suite.

GENERAL NOTES → Whining everywhere, as far as the eye can see!

This week was just.. fucking awful. I was alone most of the time and.. and I really hate that. It gives me way too much time to think about everything that happened..

Monday was the worst. My body hurt so much, and not just where the whip hit. Everywhere. I'm a fucking moron for turning down aftercare.. Thank god Sarah came over. She brought some crazy pain meds and they helped so much. You know, she was really great.. she cleaned me up and put bandages on everything. And I really didn't expect the way things happened, but somehow we ended up sort of like.. cuddling, I guess, and then we had some pretty amazing sex. Maybe it was the meds or something.. like maybe I was just doped out.. but it was really, really incredible. I guess it might cause some issues for her and Sebastian or whatever, but... it's not like that's my problem.

Then somehow Nick ended up staying with me. That was.. interesting. It was nice to have someone there, but it also felt strange that it was him. I almost feel like it made things worse.. just reminded me a lot more of what I don't...... fuck, just forget it. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Anyway, now I've rented Sugar. If I can keep anything from going wrong this week, hopefully my father will start to think a little better of me. She's nice enough, and definitely pretty, but it's a little irritating how innocent she is. I mean, I took off my clothes and she called my cock my "thingy."

.................... My "THINGY."

I can't make this shit up.

It doesn't bother me that she's a virgin or anything, but it would at least be nice to get a blowjob when I wake up or even to be able to get naked around her without her going all.. blush-y. Ugh.

So I've got a hot, virgin slave in my suite this week and I can't even touch her or she'll probably freak out.

This week is going to suck.

[emmaboundandgagged-blog]

I Feel You On My Fingertips || Journal #1

As a side, I got myself punished. Again. Stupid fucking princess Mistress who thinks she's hot shit attempted to get me to back down. I may back down during a punishment to save my own ass, but she's fucking dreaming if she thinks this is the end of my mouth. I'm not some weak little newbie who can't handle a punishment without losing herself. The whip's not the worst thing to happen to me.

I got rented too. Sebastian, Smythe I think his name was, rented me out. He's... He's chill so far. I mean, I haven't spent long with him yet, but he gave me food and let me sleep in his bed, so... I guess it's not that bad. I don't know yet. We'll see how the next couple days go. I'm kind of hoping he doesn't turn out to be one of the sadist pricks who gets off on seeing me in pain or whatever, but... you never know. We'll see.

I guess I'm just getting tired of being the punching bag around here... I put my neck out on the line for all the little ones and everything, but like. There's only so much one person can handle, you know? And I refuckingfuse to be weak in front of anyone. I don't give a fuck, I'm not going to let them break me. I'm NOT a damn slave. I'm a MISTRESS. I'm a fucking ROCKSTAR. I'm unfuckingforgettable. I just... maybe need to learn to watch my mouth a little, like he keeps asking me to. I just... don't want to be forgotten if I do.

I think that covers it... Oh. Cham and I, uh. He kissed me the other day. Finally. Which... I wasn't expecting? But I'm damn happy for. And yeah. That's it now. Until next week, I guess.

[ohroryboy-blog]

Journal 12

Things are better. I think.

It was bad with Jeff. I did not like that. And I did not like my master for not helping stop him. But it's over. I guess. I still don't like him. Or Nick. I hate Nick. But I'll just ignore him so I don't get in trouble again. I'm now in trouble with Hunter. I hope he doesn't carry through with his threat. But if he does, at least I'll have Storm to come home and lay down with.

And maybe Master if he's in the right mood.

[mastersterling]

JOURNAL #8 [02/26/13]

Part one - Nick loves me, and I love him back.

It seriously took me way too long to figure it out, but I think part of me has known for a while. Probably even before I ever read Nick’s journal and found out about how he felt. But now everything it out in the open between us and I’ve never felt better. Everything for the past week and a half has just felt amazing, and I honestly feel like I’m on cloud nine right now. Hell, I’ve been on cloud nine for a while now, and I might as well take up permanent residence because that’s just how Nick makes me feel. 

I know it’s dangerous to love my claim, especially after we saw what happened to Hunter. I can’t imagine ever losing Nick, just the thought of it...But we’ve always been careful, and we always will be careful. There’s too much to lose to start being reckless now. We just need to keep it up until Nick pays off his debt and I’m ready to face my responsibilities. Then we��ll make a new life for ourselves and everything will be perfect. We just have to wait for that day to come.

Part two - We moved.

I believe we’re in Southern Chile now. It’s definitely different from the island, but it’s new. It feels right given everything. Fresh place, fresh start. It makes it really easy to be a new person And I think that’s what a lot of us need right now. I think that’s what I need right now. My life has changed so much since Nick crashed into it and made himself known. It’s really funny considering how he’s always just been there. Now he’s front and center.

Part three - My sister is here.

Well fuck.

[captivestarberry-blog]

Journal - January 27th

Untitled, written for a musical style similar to 'On My Own'.

Master

Such a word that I never thought I'd sing Such a word that I never thought to me would bring the joy I'm feeling now

Master

I wish I could love you, master I wish i could feel the way the stories told me i would feel someday

Master

I don't know how to feel now I don't know how to act or be or sing or live with you beside me

Master

I don't know

Master

Maybe some day...

[mistressselenajackson-blog]

Selena's Journal//Entry #1

I don't know what's wrong with me.  It's like ever since the nightmares stared back up, they won't stop.  Every.  Fucking.  Night.  I don't know when I last got a decent night's sleep.

It's driving me insane.  And I don't know what to do.  I want to block everything out, just like I've always done.

I can't do this for much longer.  I can't.  I can't.  I can't.

Fuck it.  I don't care if it's before noon.  I'm getting some vodka.

[master-hunter]

Journal Entry.

TIME FRAME → February 3, 2013.

THE LOCATION → His suite.

GENERAL NOTES → Bb's having a rough time.

I don't know what to say.. The past two days have been.. probably the worst in my life. I- I never thought something like this could happen to me. Not any of it. God, I've been so fucking stupid..

I don't know what's worse.. what Rachel did, knowing how I.. how I felt about her, or knowing that I'm such a disappointment to my father. It feels like.. fuck. It feels like when I saw my mother over Christmas and she acted like she didn't even know who I was. Everyone I care about is disappointed in me.. the only people who really matter.. they think I'm nothing. I can't make them happy. I .. I can't...

.....

I'm reading Wuthering Heights again. I'm going to have to buy a new one eventually; this old old copy's almost completely fallen apart. I don't even remember when the cover fell off. But.. something about this book is so comforting though.. which really shouldn't be the case, I guess, since it's definitely not a happy story. I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I just stayed up most of the night reading.  The painkillers Sarah brought me had worn off by then and sleep just wasn't going to happen, but anyway.. Around 3am, I got to one of my favorite parts.

“You teach me now how cruel you've been - cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they'll blight you - they'll damn you. You loved me - what right had you to leave me? What right - answer me - for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will did it. I have no broken your heart - you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you - Oh, God! would you like to lie with your soul in the grave?"

Now I can't stop repeating the passage in my head. I can't believe this happened.. I still can't.. I- I feel like I'm losing it..

[mastersterling]

JOURNAL #8 [02/09/13]

I didn’t fully understand why it had to be me until I started going over my grandpa’s estate and realized my dad had been cut out of the will. I feel kind of bad about that. I mean, I understand that grandpa never forgave him for what happened back in high school...but I know that feeling. I know what it’s like for your dad to refuse to acknowledge that you exist. And it hurts so much. So I guess I can relate. But the difference is that I tried. I worked hard and I fought to get back into his good graces, he never changed. 

Even now he thinks I’m completely wasting my time. But he can’t stop me, not anymore. I’m finally happy, I’m not going to sacrifice everything that I have to go back to that life. I just can’t give up N–

[gets up because Nick is looking for his journal. Comes back later that evening to finish]

Cra–No. Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Fuck my fucking life.

Nick is in love with me. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I did it and now I can’t take it back. But it was just LAYING there, and the page was sticking out, and it’s not like I’m not entitled to read his journal or anything. But dammit, I really shouldn’t have because now I know. I KNOW. How do I deal with KNOWING this now?

Nick is love with me.

Nick is in love with me.

I don’t know how I’m suppose to react to that. Most masters would kill for that, to have their slave so loyal and obedient to them that they loved them. But this isn’t the same, I know it’s not. Nothing about us is the way it’s suppose to be. Now it’s more dangerous than ever. This isn’t the first time Nick had feelings about me. And now that they’re back...I just...I don’t understand.

Why me? What’s there to love about me? He’s confused. He has to be. Stockholm Syndrome or something, I don’t know. But I’ve never had someone love me before. I don’t know how to react to it under normal circumstances. I sure as hell don’t know what to do now. Maybe I should just ignore it. That would be a good idea, just pretend that I didn’t read it. Then nothing can go wrong...right?

Oh, and you know what the worst part is? EVERYTHING makes so much more sense now.

Fuck.

And I bet you everything Sarah knows too. Damn her.