#best $35 i've spent in my life hands down

[yache-berries]

*sends them off to Unova for their umpteenth honeymoon in my school's clubhouse room*

[z-h-i-e]

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?

I end up on the fence on the 'write what you know' advice. On one hand, I do it constantly, but on the other hand, I'll go learn things so that I can write what I now know. It's that whole 'method writer' thing for me -- which is, undoubtedly, what I am, because I argue I'm more a storyteller who sometimes writes things down than a writer. Anyone who has spent significant amounts of time with me in Discord has gotten to hear headcanons and scenes and dialogue which may or may not ever be written. But I digress...

What do I know... I feel like I've lived a very blessed life in many regards because of all I've had a chance to experience. I am or have been all of the following: musician, artist, teacher, librarian, retail clerk, professor, politician, advocate, genealogical lecturer, consultant, writing coach, life coach, event coordinator/scheduler, manager, newsletter writer for a historical society. I ran my own business twice. I've worked in the public sector, private sector, and as an independent contractor. I've had many opportunities and had a chance to see things from many facets -- in theatre, for example, I've been a musician in the pit, an actor on the stage, and director behind the curtain, and a playwriter who should have been in the audience but knew the stage manager and got to hang out in the wings.

I seize opportunities - sometimes, I end up a little overwhelmed, but I (usually) overcome the obstacles and succeed. Where we came from and what we know makes us who we are. I was poor twice and middle-class twice. There's a big difference between eating ramen because it's what I could afford and eating ramen because I want to eat ramen (I'm eating ramen right now). All of those experiences start to seep into writing. When I was four years old I almost died. I spent the better part of a week in an oxygen tent. Since then, I've dealt with neurological and muscular issues that suck, but are better than the alternative. I didn't sleep, really sleep, until I was 35, when I was diagnosed with apnea. Sleeping scared me the first time I got a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. 8 hours of unawareness. Nightmares were worse -- no one should have their first true nightmare in their mid-30s. That shit was really hard to unpack. My therapist should have been paid double the going rate for that year. (I'd had some weird fever dreams prior to that -- around ten years earlier, I had a second 'shouldn't have lived through that' experience when I rocked a temperature of 106 for several days -- but those were nothing compared to actual nightmares.)

Fanfiction is a much cheaper alternative to therapy (and, solidly gets an A+ from my therapist as one of my top coping mechanisms). It's journaling about life, it's sharing ideas, it's documenting daily journeys, it's fun and relaxing, and I've been doing it since I was 8. That is a significant stretch, really. The first piece was turned in as a school assignment. I used to write fanfiction for Super Mario Brothers, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and of course, ThunderCats. And I'd read it to classmates during class time, voices and all. I got to do my junior year cultural paper on Klingons, and I gave a lecture senior year on literary sources and their connection to the themes and storylines in ThunderCats. I have continued to read fanfiction in public at open mics and other events - it's the best way to mainstream and normalize it, and gosh darn it, it's been a far easier nerdom thing to normalize than furry bowling nights were. (I do miss furry bowling night, though. But I digress.)

So I do end up writing about things I know, and I've lived long enough to have a whole bag of holding full of experiences and memories to draw from -- and when I don't know something, I (usually) want to go and learn about it. I took up kickboxing and karate in college so that I could learn how to better write fight scenes. I spent a month of driving on my own to places I'd never been before to get into Fingon's head a little more (because you know, rescuing Maedhros was not the first time Fingon up and left on his own). I keep a bow at the door, next to my red shoes, because I think that's what Beleg would have done. I took the golden flowers growing at the house we live in as the sign that we should buy that house, even though it was a short sale and a pain in the ass to get through, because I was going to find a way to live in the House of the Golden Flower even if it took all summer (and it just about did). Then we planted strawberries there, for Samwise, because you know he and Rosie would absolutely have strawberries growing in their garden. (I can't take credit for the fox that lives in our yard - he showed up on his own - but it's as good of a second confirmation sign as any that we did end up in the right place.)

So that's a lot, and my lunch is almost over, but I almost feel like the question is less what do I know and more what do I not know. Everyone draws a line somewhere.

Horses. I do not know horses. Middle-earth has a lot of fucking horses in it. He's got a horse, she's got a horse, this elf over here's got a war horse, this other one has a war horse but it has jingle fucking bells on it... yeah. Lots of horses. Now, I'm in a state with lots of farms. Fair amount of horses. I see five different horses on my drive to work every day. Why is horses not a thing in the what we know category... well, I'm pretty convinced that with a head that size, you never know when one is going to open its mouth like an alligator and eat you. I'm not taking chances. Don't talk to me about logistics or physiology. I didn't make it this far in life to be eaten by a horse. So we're going to play it safe on this one and just read a book. I have a bunch of books about horses. Riding horses, fancyass dressage books, horse identification. People see my books, they say, wow, you must like horses! Hells no. You ever hear the whole 'keep your friends close, keep your horses that might eat you in two bites closer' line? Well, now you have. So that which I do not know and do not experience comes from books.

The end.

Thank you for your question, Anonymous.

[bemyhcro]

39, 35, 15, 20 (for paxton and gwen<3) & 17

∗ 39﹕ what  would  you  say  is  the  best  faceclaim  decision  you’ve  ever  made ?

harris dickinson for paxton. i don't know, but when i look at harris i just see pax. he is pax, he can't deny it now.

∗ 35﹕ is  there  a  character  you  consistently  have  muse  for ?

it teeters between moira and pax, but i suppose i put a lot of myself into those characters that it's easier to slip into their shoes and write for them - minnie and gwen, i still love them to bits, but the confidence of min and closed off nature of gwen needs a bit of time to step into to.

∗ 15﹕ what  is  your  favorite  dynamic  trope  to  write ?

it's never changed. i have two at the very top of my list, but the one i am a sucker for every time is that slow burn, enemies to lovers - bonus if they have to fake date or help eachother in some way that shows vulnerability. i am a sucker.

∗ 20﹕ has  your  view  of  your  muse  changed  while  you’ve  been  writing  them ? PAXTON HOLLOWAY && GWENDOLYN RIGBY

yes, for both of them. paxton has become a dynamic character in his own right and has a lot of complex emotions to go along with his constant bad decisions. i had this original idea of him basically being a carbon copy of peter with the idea of the sins of the father overarching, however, he sort of took on a mind of his own? he's gone from a singular branch to a whole ass tree; he is actively showing regret for his actions and fighting a constant battle, which lavender is first hand seeing, with the future. if he wishes to betray the death eaters, then he risks his family and lavender's safety, he risks the safety of those he has now come to call friends again. if he stays then he is fated to be isolated. to be an outsider in a world he once fought for. as for gwen, she too has changed from the original concept that was drawn up. she was to be this proud woman whom has lost her husband and daughter and to continue to live the life they had built, away from her family. but the more i began to write her the more she began to fall back into old habits, just as someone who spent eighteen years of their life had. gwen was in the pureblood and blood purist society for eighteen long years where she attended events, was well known due to her family's association with the death eater cause and loyalty to the dark lord, she was brainwashed to this ideology. as much as she has changed due to max's involvement and their seperation from that society, she is alone now and is falling back to interacting with people she hasn't seen she was a child, consistently making trips down knockturn alley and even, like the gala, attending events where her estranged family are in attendance. i'm not saying gwen is a blood purist or a death eater, i'm just saying in her grief she has fallen back into a place she is familiar with with people she is familiar with.

∗ 17﹕ do  you  use  dictionaries  or  thesauruses  often  when  writing ?

it's very rare i do, however, if there's a word i've used multiple times then i'll go through a thesaurus to find some alternatives for some flavour.

[paulisded]

The Ledge #600: Hudson's Best Of 2023

Choosing my favorite records of the year is always a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it's great fun for a music nerd like me to revisit the hundreds of releases I've checked out the last twelve months. But it's also frustrating trying to thin down those picks into a list that truly represents the past year. Many records that initially seemed a lock are suddenly eclipsed by new records that I simply can't ignore. Other albums that I had prematurely set aside have revealed themselves to be chock full of fabulous tunes that I can't imagine living without. 

Overall, this is another great year for music. I'll never understand the mindset of people, especially those around my age, that complain how there's no great bands or records these days. Sure, the pop charts are primarily filled with garbage, and one does have to spend more time than ever finding new artists. But the search has always been a great part of the fun of being a collector, and my main reason I've now put together 600 episodes of this show is to share my findings with others. I'm always thrilled when I hear that someone has bought a record due to my recommendation. So please let me know your thoughts on this countdown of my picks for the 40 best records of the year!

39. Hotline TNT, Cartwheel/Dion Lunadon, Systems Edge. (tie) It’s only fitting that the list ends with the two most recent discoveries. Hotline TNT is the latest project of Weed leader Will Anderson, and it’s a prime example of the modern era’s version of what was described as shoegaze years ago. Dion Lunadon is a veteran rocker who got his start in The D4, which put out two albums on Flying Nun Records, and also spent time in A Place To Bury Strangers. His third solo album of glam-influenced rock and roll probably would have charted higher in this year’s list if I had heard it a few weeks earlier.

38. The Blips, Again. A few years ago, the leaders of four bands convened in an Atlanta studio and put together a great rootsy rock and roll album. These four songwriters have reconvened and their second album is as strong as their debut.

37. Dwarves, Concept Album. A happy Dwarves album? Is that possible? Well, sort of. The snark is still there from He Who Shall Not Be Named and the rest of these masked marvels.

36. Jagger Holly, Rivoltella. Forced with a second lockdown in his Austria home, Jagger Holly’s Jay Dee sat down and started writing…and writing more. As he states on his bandcamp, “If 1 record is nice....2 records has to be better right?” The result is indeed two records of what pop-punk should sound like instead of the whiny vocal styles that plague the records that generally are described as such.

35. Local Drags, Mess Of Everything. Let’s take a little bit of The Shoes, mix it with early Tom Petty along with Wilco at their poppiest, and you have this rock and roll gem.

34. The Smashing Times, This Sporting Life. We all need a little jangle in our lives, and we have The Smashing Times to give us this year’s shimmering guitars.

33. JJ & The Real Jerks, Rat Beach. Our friends at Rum Bar Records released a ton of great music this year, but the highlight is quite possibly by these grizzled rockers. Take a little bit of Ramones, more than a couple of pinches of Dead Boys, and quite a bit of any other “loud fast rules” bands, and you have these wonderful jerks.

32. The Men, New York City. After a few albums that saw this veteran band attempt to expand their sound, this record is a true back to basics that, to quote Pitchfork, “wears its analogue heart on flannel-clad sleeves”.

31. Country Westerns, Forgive the City. Great band, terrible name. But with great garage rock such as this I’ll forgive the sin.

30. Kevin Morby, More Photographs (A Continuum). Technically, this record is a set of leftovers from last year’s This Is a Photograph album, but these aren’t second rate rejects. Instead, these are songs that lyrically or sonically just didn’t fit that album but deserved to be released.

29. Waco Brothers, The Men That God Forgot. A personal note here. I created a yearlong theme for my podcast, The Ledge, where I’ve been playing a cover of The Undertones’ “Teenage Kicks” on each and every one of my shows this year. I was obviously thrilled when I first saw a tracklist of the latest by these veteran “Clash meets Cash’ rockers and “Teenage Kicks” was the lone cover on their first set of original songs since 2016.

28. Bory, Who’s a Good Boy. Bory is the project by Portland newcomer Brenden Ramirez, and is produced by power pop maestro Mo Troper. This was a late addition, and I can’t wait to fully immerse myself into multiple plays of this catchy record.

27. Iggy Pop, Every Loser. It certainly seems like 2023 was a year for legends to return to the spotlight. Pop set the tone with this album that came out the first Friday of this year. Like the Stones album, Pop was reenergized by young producer Andrew Watt, which resulted in quite possibly the most varied Iggy album in decades.

26. Brian Jonestown Massacre, The Future Is Your Past. Thirty years after their very first release, Anton Newcombe’s latest collection of songs is his 20th album to date. The latest is an extension of last year’s Fire Doesn’t Grow On Tree, where Anton set a goal to record one new song a day for 70 days. I guess we’ll have a few more records from these sessions in the next few years.

25. Guided By Voices, Nowhere To Go But Up. Another year, another three albums by Robert Pollard and friends. So which one do I pick for this list? Honestly, I’m going to go with recency bias and choose the most recent record. But all three feature the typical three minute blasts of pop/rock bliss that Pollard has completely perfected since he stabilized his most recent lineup a decade or so ago.

24. Night Beats, Rajan. It may not sound correct, but I can’t help but think this wild mix of psych and Western genres would make it the perfect soundtrack for a remake of a 60’s spaghetti western.

23. Yo La Tengo, This Stupid World. Shortly before COVID hit, Yo La Tengo began recording jam sessions in their practice space. They reconvened a few months later, and started experimenting with these tapes they had previously recorded. The result is one of the veteran band’s more interesting albums they have put out in their almost 40 year career.

22. Graham Parker & The Goldtops, Last Chance To Learn The Twist. It’s always a great year when we see a new Graham Parker album, and this year is no exception. His first in five years, Parker’s latest combines his usual snark with a wry sense of humor, along with his love of classic soul and barroom rock.

20. Lucinda Williams, Stories From a Rock N Roll Heart/Pretenders, Relentless. (tie) Two legendary rock and roll women who have nothing to prove return with some of their best music ever, and they do it on their own terms. Chrissie Hynde’s latest Pretenders album rocks as hard as her band’s greatest moments, but it’s not a retread of her first two albums. Williams, who recently recovered from a stroke, combines barroom rockers with her patented grizzled folky ballads.

19. Cut Worms, S/T. Max Clarke’s third album as Cut Worms is a weird fever dream where Brian Wilson in his 1966 prime suddenly records an Americana album that would fit right in with 1999-era Jayhawks, Wilco, or Whiskeytown. Does that make sense? 

18. Frankie and the Witch Fingers, Data Doom. Let’s just let the bandcamp page describe this album, as it’s better than anything I could possibly write - “on…Data Doom the band hurtles the listener head first into the wood-chipper of technological dystopia, systemic rot, creeping fascism, the military-industrial profit mill, and a near-constant erosion of humanity that peels away the soul bit by bit. With a fuse lit by these modern-day monstrosities the band seeks to find salvation through a thousand watt wake-up of rock n’ roll exfoliation.” Are you as exhausted as me?

17. Osees, Intercepted Message. It’s insane to think that this is the 28th studio album by John Dwyer and Company, under quite possibly the tenth or so variation of their band name. What’s even more insane is that, with few exceptions, none of these albums sound the same. This record could be described as their “party record”, with synths leading the way. But that’s not saying this is an OMD album, as the garage-punk aggression is still present.

16. King Tuff, Smalltown Stardust. Kyle Thomas, aka King Tuff, has always mixed a wide range of influences into his records. On this record, Thomas adds quite a bit of 70’s singer/songwriter, along with a bit of early Wings, merged with the fuzzier sounds of Dinosaur Jr., Ty Segall, and many others.

15. The Rolling Stones, Hackney Diamonds. There’s absolutely no reason why a 2023 album by The Rolling Stones could be anything better than middling. A tour souvenir, maybe. Or something only for the devoted fan. Yet, this record works. The band sounds like they mean it, man. It may be prototypical Mick and Kieth, but there’s also a modern edge to it thanks to producer Andrew Watt.

14. Lydia Loveless, Nothing’s Gonna Stand in My Way. Lydia’s lyrics have always seemed like a direct path to her soul, and that’s never been more true than on this record. Yes, she’s been through a lot of heartbreak, but there’s also a feeling that she knows she’s going to make it and won’t let anybody get in her way.

13. The Exbats, Song Machine. Everyone’s favorite father/daughter band has now fleshed out their sound with the addition of two additional band members, and their new record is sort of a love note to the history of pop music. There’s some songs reminiscent of Phil Spector’s great girl groups of the 60’s. Other tunes seem to come straight from the Brill Building or whatever production team created the Partridge Family records of the 70s. Yet these syrupy tunes mix with the darker influences of bands like the Velvet Underground and the Ramones.

12. Sparklehorse, Bird Machine. As a rule, posthumous records don’t make my lists. But I can’t help but include this final Sparklehorse record. One year before he took his life, Mark Linkous spent a few weeks in the studio with producer Steve Albini, bashing out a bunch of simpler than usual tunes for a project that was never finished. Over a decade later, Linkous’ brother and his wife fleshed out these recordings, resulting in a fitting final chapter for a brilliant career that should have been bigger than it was.

11. Tommy Stinson’s Cowboys In the Campfire, Wronger. The former Replacements bassist has long promised this side project with buddy Chip Roberts, and it’s a wonderful departure from the great Bash and Pop album of a few years ago. This record is chock full of laid back Americana, and certainly showcases Stinson’s love of the likes of Johnny Cash, Dave Alvin, and John Doe (who makes a guest appearance).

10. Bar Italia, The Twits. This wonderful London trio released two records this year, but this second one was arguably the better of the pair. Their sound is chock full of many classic and contemporary bands - a bit of Sonic Youth, a midge of Dry Cleaning, among many others. What’s most interesting is that on most songs the three members each trade off on vocal lines, which journalist Skye Butchard says “(takes) songs in new directions, reveling in the tension where their individual ideas intersect"

9. Wreckless Eric, Leisureland. How does one describe a modern day Wreckless Eric album? It’s not easy. The melodic pop skills of his early days are still present, but he surrounds these tunes with landscapes of various sounds. This particular record flows best as one long piece of music. Well, two pieces, actually, if you’re listening via vinyl, as god intended.

8. Purling Hiss, Drag On Girard. Purling Hiss began as a one-man project of Philadelphia guitarist Mike Polizze. Now a full-fledged band, this is the record for fans of fuzzed up garage rock.

7. Wilco, Cousin. After last year’s somewhat overrated country-ish Cruel Country, it’s nice to see the band back to experimentation. For the first time ever, they even reached out to an outside producer, Cate Le Bon. The results are one of those “creeper” albums that takes a few spins to unveil its charms.

5. Brad Marino, Grin & Bear It/Geoff Palmer, An Otherwise Negative Situation. (tie) it may not be fair to either Marino or Palmer, but it’s hard for me to think of one without the other. They’re friends that regularly play on each other’s albums, and they both tend to put out records around the same time. They’re pretty much the power pop/punk/rock version of Rockpile’s Dave Edmonds and Nick Lowe.

4. Paint Fumes, Real Romancer. The veteran garage/punk rockers’ fourth album is quite possibly their best. Their bandcamp site states it’s for fans of the Nerves, Ramones, and Gun Club, and I can’t think of a better description.

3. Civic, Taken By Force. Asked to describe their second album, the Melbourne-based five piece responded with “1984 meets Endless Summer”. A head scratcher, to be sure, but yet it weirdly is apt. Noisy, explosive proto-punk guitars meets singalong choruses, aptly produced by Radio Birdman’s Rob Younger.

2. The Whiffs, Scratch ‘N’ Sniff. What I just wrote about Uni Boys also fits with this fabulous Kansas City band, which made their short tour together this year a dream lineup.

1. Uni Boys, Buy This Now! Power pop was back in a big way in 2023, but it’s an evolved form of the genre. “Power” is the key word. Yes, the pop melodies are full of the giant hooks we expect from these sorts of bands, but they’re intermixed with louder guitars and faster tempos. These bands are forging their own visions instead of simply following the past. This L.A. foursome grew up at Burger Records shows, and you can tell.

Tonight's show also sees the conclusion of a yearlong project that has been great fun - the "52 Weeks of Teenage Kicks" series. I had originally planned on just playing a demo version of The Undertones' original track, but I received a surprising email just a couple of days ago. "Hey it's Krusty, longtime caller first time listener", it read. "Procrastinated my way through almost the whole year on this one (its pretty easy when you suck at drums!). Usually I am playing with my band Fashionkill, but this is my first effort at playing everything involved! Like the metallica blecccchh album, this is definitely more studio tricks than actual musicianship! Drums on Thursday, Everything else on Monday. Mixed on Tuesday. Sent today. Keep up the good stuff!" Thank you, Krusty, and thanks to all of the others who participated in this series!

Here are the tracks I aired to represent all 40 selections (aired in reverse, "countdown" order, of course):

1. Uni Boys, Down To The City.

2. The Whiffs, It’s Not Over.

3. Civic, Blood Rushes.

4. Paint Fumes, Starting Over.

5. Brad Marino, Lucy.

6. Geoff Palmer, Surfin’ Nebraska.

7. Wilco, Cousin.

8. Purling Hiss, Something In My Basement.

9. Wreckless Eric, Standing Water.

10. Bar Italia, World’s Greatest Emoter.

11. Tommy Stinson’s Cowboys In the Campfire, Mr. Wrong.

12. Sparklehorse, I Fucked It Up.

13. The Exbats, Himbo.

14. Lydia Loveless, Poor Boy.

15. The Rolling Stones, Whole Wide World.

16. King Tuff, Smalltown Stardust.

17. Osees, Intercepted Message. 1

18. Frankie and the Witch Fingers, Syster System.

19. Cut Worms, Take It and Smile.

20. Lucinda Williams, Rock N Roll Heart. 

21. Pretenders, Losing My Sense Of Taste.

22. Graham Parker & The Goldtops, The Music Of the Devil.

23. Yo La Tengo, Sinatra Drive Breakdown.

24. Night Beats, Motion Picture.

25. Guided By Voices, Puncher’s Parade.

26. The Brian Jonestown Massacre, Do Rainbows Have Ends.

27. Iggy Pop, Strung Out Johnny.

28. Bory, Feel the Burn.

29. The Waco brothers, Teenage Kicks.

30. Kevin Morby, This Is a Photograph II.

31. Country Westerns, Grapefruit.

32. The Men, God Bless the USA.

33. JJ & The Real Jerks, Girl I Want My Money Back.

34. The Smashing Times, Lets’ Be Nice With Johnny.

35. Local Drags, Heard About It.

36. Jagger Holly, Don’t Bore Us (Get to the Chorus).

37. The Dwarves, Feeling Great.

38. The Blips,, Who Took My Baby Away.

39. Hotline TNT, History Channel.

40. Dion Lunadon, Diamond Sea.

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[ms-demeanor]

I have a bachelor's degree in English literature (cum laude even), I have spent the last two years maintaining a 3.95 GPA while working 40 hours a week and caring for my spouse after a dual organ transplant, and have spent a total of nine years of my life as a college student.

Telling me "just treat school like a job" as though it is a failing on my part if I don't adequately plan for unknown assignments from multipule professors a week *on top of* my actual job is, frankly, insulting.

Acting like your students are too stupid to learn the material you teach if they read ahead of your scaffolding is insulting and doesn't speak well of your ability to teach the material.

When I clock in to my job I know approximately what my schedule will be like each day, which days will be busy each week, and which seasons will be hectic during the year. I have no idea what weeks of my statistics class, anatomy class, and programming class will be busy and I shouldn't have to walk into a black box every week and hope for the best.

I have *one* class that has given a weekly schedule. I don't know when the midterms or finals are for the other three classes. I don't know which weeks we will need which materials, so I don't know which text I have to get first for my anatomy class, and since they're supposed to be $200 each, I'd like to space that cost out, but it is possible I'll need both within the first month. However, without an assignment schedule or list of assigned readings, I guess I'll just have to get both (yo ho motherfuckers, don't assign $200 textbooks).

I'm not saying "I don't have a detailed schedule" I'm saying "I don't know which of the next sixteen weeks has a test scheduled, which means I can't plan to study for any tests in those classes so I guess I'll be cramming." Do we have an exam in week five? Guess I'll find out in week five! Hopefully it'll be on a Wednesday instead of a Monday so I have more than 24 hours to go over the material! Hopefully if there's a midterm on one of the days I'm supposed to take my husband in for surgery I'll know at least a few days in advance so I can find someone else to give him a ride! This is the case in 3/4 of my current classes, has been true in half of my classes since 2021, and - if the students in the notes are too be believed - is fairly unexceptional these days.

The academic schedule for this school is set a calendar year in advance and I can view a PDF of the minutes of the board meeting from last November when it was set. I know what day grades are due for next summer term and when finals week is for every season between now and then because it's on the plainly viewable 2023-2024 academic calendar, as well as all the staff flex days and school holidays for the next year.

I have had both adjuncts and tenured professors fail to provide class schedules. One of the professors who refused to give a schedule was using his lecture slides from 2015. Several of the professors who haven't handed out schedules are teaching online async courses entirely composed of lectures and assignments from 2020, down to having the wrong days of the week listed in the syllabus.

Here are some free ideas from my decade experience as a college student to consider using to keep butts in seats because clearly your methods aren't working if you have to hide the education from your students to keep getting them to come to class:

Pop quizzes throughout the term, 4-6 total worth 10-20% of the grade; students hate this but it's effective and they hate it less if the quizzes are a check-in rather than a make-or-break (this is the method that my dad, a college professor for 35 years, favored, and one that my beloved Chaucer professor used)

Weekly participation assignments in class, small group work covering the material from the last unit. My capstone lit class did this, as did a gen ed anthropology class, and pretty much every async class I've taken in the last two years. Lock the *discussion* and the assignment submission, not the fucking readings or assignment sheets. If your students think they can skip participation assignments you're not weighting participation heavily enough in the final grade.

Daily attendance quizzes. My American lit professor started every class (and I took 5 classes from him) by having us respond to a prompt with a paragraph that he would collect and use as attendance and class participation. It also made him fantastic at spotting plagiarism because he was exceptionally familiar with each student's writing style. The quizzes were 20% of the grade.

Just make attendance a huge portion of the grade. I was in a 300-person bio lecture with attendance as 40% of the grade. And guess what, on day one I knew when all the exams were scheduled. Some people only showed up for exams and they failed the class, as was clearly outlined in the syllabus.

Do your schools not have attendance policies? My current classes will drop you for missing 3 assignments in a 16-week semester. My university, which had 10-week quarters, would drop any student who missed 3 of 20 class meetings.

Also: framing your prep time as unpaid labor is, in the grand scheme of things, bullshit. You don't skip grading because it's unpaid labor, because if you chose not to grade the administration would come down on your ass. Administrative work is a standard part of any adjunct's duties, and I'd like to see you try to use the "this is unpaid labor so I didn't show up" as an excuse to get out of division meetings - I bet that would go over just as well with your department chair as it does with your students.

(For the record, I do think that adjuncts are treated like shit by the system and are criminally underpaid, but as someone who has lived with waaaaaaay too many teachers you don't get to tell me that fucking lesson planning is unpaid labor just because it's prep time! That's the job! That's the job you signed a contract to do! I don't disagree that it's a shitty contract, but it is the contract you signed!)

I have ADHD. The ability to pre-plan my semester is something that's important to my success as a student. If I wanted to, I could go to my school's disability office and ask for assignment sheets, reading lists, due dates, and exam days as an accommodation for my disability.

But I'm not going to do that, and the reason I'm not going to do that is because *every* student should be able to pre-plan their term and know in advance if a scheduling conflict might force them to choose between failing a class and losing a job, and in this situation it is the professors who are failing their classes.

If you are a college professor your students are adults and you need to goddamn act like it. For years I've heard my professor friends complain about how students had lost their attention spans or wouldn't do the work, but none of them ever mentioned how much professors had started falling down on the job.

Of course your students don't respect you. Of course they cheat. Of course they don't do the assignments, or half-ass them.

Do you seriously not see how adversarial this is? Can you think of any clearer way you could communicate to your students "I don't respect your time or respect you" than denying them access to an assignment schedule and telling them they're so stupid they'd ruin all your hard work if they read ahead?

Jesus fucking Christ I'm a giant fucking teacher's pet nerd who always has my hand up and does the extra credit and is back in school *again* because I love being a student, and I have never heard anything so demotivating in my life.

Fuckin. Welcome back. Have a great semester I guess.

What the fuck is up with professors not including an assignment schedule in the syllabus I'm going to scream

[bumblesimagines]

Green Thumb

Part 17

Request: Yes or No

For anyone curious and if I did my math correctly y/ns dad had him when he was 35. This one feels short and I hate ittt but I tried making it feel longer. The chunks are just thicc

~

"So, why are we going to Belgium?" Natasha asked, setting the course. You looked at her, taking a seat beside her.

"Cause.. I have family there.. She might be family, I don't now." You answered, feeling the jet move forward before it took off into the sky.

"Family? Like, blood related? Who?" Natasha asked, glancing at you. You licked your lips, staring forward.

"My aunt." Natasha's brows raised, looking over at you. You sighed, nodding.

"What if she turns me away?" You asked softly.

"Well.. You're probably her only remaining family. I wouldn't want to turn away a family member." Natasha licked her lips, looking forward at the passing clouds.

"What do I even say? Hey, I'm (Y/N) and I have superpowers?"

"Well, you can introduce yourself and ask about her brother." Natasha gave a small smile. You nodded.

"How's Clint?" Natasha asked, rested her head on her fist. Her hair was long and her natural red locks were returning. It made her hair look a little weird but she was going through a lot of things.

"Who fucking knows." You frowned, arms crossing. Clint had fucked off to god knows where, leaving you to deal with your grief alone. Natashas' brows furrowed.

"Clint has decided not to return home in what feels like weeks. Maybe even months, I haven't been paying attention." You shrugged lightly. Natasha frowned, leaning back in the seat. Definitely didn't sound like Clint but grief could make people do crazy things.

"I've been trying to keep up with the house but I'm just one guy handling everything Clint decided to build and add on." You licked your lips, shaking your head and letting out a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry." Natasha said softly, giving your arm a squeeze. "I'll talk to him if you want."

"Let him do whatever the hell he wants to do. He's a grown man." You replied, feeling bitter and resentful. Natasha silently nodded. The rest of the ride was silent until the jet reached Belgium.

"We're here." You stepped out of the jet, feeling a small breeze go by. You felt your stomach doing flips, heartbeat quickening. You took in a deep breath, glancing at Natasha. She placed a gentle hand on your back, offering a small smile.

"Are you sure you don't want me to get in touch with Clint?" She asked, head tilting. You shook your head.

"It could make things more complicated." You said, looking around. The house across the street matched with the address Tony had given you. It was more on the outskirts of town, surrounded by trees. You could hear some horses behind the house. You took in a deep breath, trying to ease your nerves as you walked towards the house, crossing the road. Natasha followed, studying the area.

"Seems like gardening might run in the family." Natasha said, motioning to the flower garden.

"Yeah.." You chuckled softly. You stepped onto the porch, noticing some plotted flowers on the windowsill. You raised your hand, pressing the doorbell. You waited a few minutes about to press it again before the door opened. A scowl appeared on Florines' face. She was shorter than you had imagined. Her hair was a bit messy and tied back into a low ponytail.

"Wat wil je?" She asked, gaze flickering over to Natasha. You swallowed, fiddling with your fingers.

"Are you Florine De Meyers?" You asked, watching her narrow her eyes.

"Who's asking?"

"(Y/N).. I think I might be the son of your brother." You said quietly. Florine stared at you, lips parting. Her features softened for a second before the frown returned. She opened the door wider, letting you and Natasha inside. The inside of the house smelled like black tea, earthy and floral. It felt straight out of a country movie.

"I've got some tea and speculoos." Florine called as she entered the kitchen. You looked at the pictures she had up. Most were pictures of horses or her at events with friends. You didn't see any pictures that seemed family related. You took a seat on the floral patterned couch, gazing dropping onto the unbothered elderly sheepdog. It made no attempt to move and simply rolled onto its side to face away from you.

"That's Gerdie. Old girl used to be a good guard dog but now she's more of a house cat." Florine said, sitting down and placing a tray on the coffee table. Natasha reached forward, taking one of the biscuits. Florine reached under the table, looking through the books she had before pulling out what looked like a photo book.

"The reason I didn't slam the door in your face is because Michael had told me he was gonna have a kid named (Y/N)." Florine said, hand wiping away the dust in the book. She scooted forward, placing the book on the table.

"Michael?" You repeated, looking at her. She nodded, opening the book. She flipped to the second page, pointing to a picture of a young boy by a fireplace opening presents.

"Michael, my half brother and your father." Your brows raised, leaning in to take a better look. The photo was old but you could see his face clearly. Natasha leaned in as well, smiling gently.

"You have his smile." She pointed out.

"Michael and his father moved here from America when he was about five. He met my mother and they got married. They had me when Michael was nine. He was a good brother. He held no resentment towards me or my mom. Michael was as stubborn as a mule and he could never keep his mouth shut. He'd let you know if he didn't agree with you." Florine chuckled, shaking her head. You watched the nostalgic look pass over her eyes.

"What happened to him?" You asked softly. Florine let out a heavy sigh, leaning back in her chair. She reached down, giving Gerdie some pats on the head.

"He disappeared for some time." She answered, gaze becoming distant.

"He wrote letters occasionally. Said he was working for a government in another country.. He might've been some sort of spy, my memory's a little fuzzy on the subject. He spent a long time working but.. He came back eventually. He never talked about it but he was good ole Michael." Florine leaned forward again, flipping to another page of a more grown up Michael. You did notice some similar features between him and you.

"By then, our father had passed from cancer and my mother needed all the help she could get. Michael built this house with some friends of his and gave it to my mother. Oh, my mother was so happy. She got the farm she had always wanted and got to garden whenever she could." Florine pointed to a a couple in the photobook.

"This is your grandmother, Sylvie. You would've loved her. She made the best cakes in town. This is your grandfather, Jonathan. He was always up to no good. He loved pulled helping the kids in town with pranks." Florine spoke of them fondly. Her childhood seemed to have been good with Jonathon and Sylvie.

"You have powers, right?" Florine asked, looking at you. You nodded, reaching out to the plant on the coffee table and watching it grow taller.

"She passed on her powers to you." Florine leaned back, clearing her throat. You glanced at Natasha, noticing her eating another biscuit.

"She? Who's she?" You asked, looking back at Florine.

"Your witch of a mother." She answered bitterly. You raised your brows at the hate and disgust in her tone.

"I shouldn't speak ill of her. Even if she deserves it." Florine muttered, standing up with a heavy sigh.

"C'mon." She motioned for you to follow. You turned towards Natasha. Natasha picked up another biscuit, making eye contact with you. You raised your brows.

"What? These are delicious!" Natasha huffed. You chuckled, standing up and following her out the backdoor. You noticed the stables with the horses walking around their fenced area. Florine had a vegetable garden and a greenhouse out back as well.

"Those pretty babies are Ernie, Kuma, and Goldie." Florine said, motioning to the horses. They approached the fence when she walked over to them. You smiled softly as she petted them, cooing in Dutch.

"They won't bite. Well, Ernie might but he's just a playful old man." Florine chuckled, turning back in the original direction. You followed her down a dirt path and into a wooded area. You blinked, seeing what looked like a moss covered statue of a woman. Her eyes were closed though her head was pointed downwards, looking at anyone who walked down the path.

"She was a charming little witch, I'll give her that." Florine crossed her arms, staring up at the statue. You tilted your head, licking your lips.

"Did he make this for her?" You asked, turning to look at her. Florine shook her head, looking down at the ground.

"Gaia, or better known as Mother Nature, is your mother. She took a human form in an attempt to convince humans to cherish what she had given them. When that proved useless, she spread plagues as punishment. What Gaia truly wanted.. Was a child. Animals, humans, and all those things were creations.. Projects she could ignore if she got bored. She met your father and he fell for her." Florine told you, another breeze blowing by. You reached your hand forward, gently touching a flower that rested by the statue. It felt full of life.

"Your mother fell pregnant with you and Michael was thrilled. Gaia had started realizing that human life wasn't for her. She was slowly becoming human herself. She disappeared with Michael and returned without him or you. She explained she couldn't stay and left her human body here."

"She abandonded me for no reason?" You stared up at the statue, features hardening.

"In some sense, she didn't. She's all around us so.. Your mother never truly left you." Florine said, turning to look at you. You scoffed.

"I have a mother. Her name is Laura Barton and she's not here anymore because of Thanos." You looked at Florine, blinking away tears.

"I don't blame you for being angry. I never found out where she took you or if you were even alive. If you want to keep in touch, I don't mind. Lord knows I could use the company." Florine looked forward again. You let out a soft sigh, shoulders slumping.

"And.. And dad? What happened to him?" You asked hesitantly, almost afraid of finding out he had done the same as Gaia. Florine stayed silent for a moment.

"He.. They never told me how it happened but.. He was murdered." Florine revealed, staring at the ground with a small frown. You stared at him, brows furrowing.

"What? By- By who?"

"You might've heard of him. People around town were talking about him a two or three years back. The infamous Winter Soldier."

~

Tags: @geek-and-proud @wolfelocksley @babyvisionisamenace

[bigkittybanquet]

I vent to the void and hope it hurts noone

I need to vent, sorry. I apologise profusely to the one person who follows me, don't feel the need to read this. In fact, if you have anything at all else to do, please just skip. But if you've ever been told to apply yourself more go read "Driven to distraction", the audio book is quite good as well thankfully. This post isn't going to be of any value to you but the book might change your life as much as it has mine.

This is the only place online I'm still mostly anonymous. I hide my ADHD from all but close family, and we don't really talk feelings. Not mine anyway. I do not at all expect any replies, this is just slightly closer to actually opening up to someone than I'm typically capable of. I have a very supportive and loving wife whom I understand on a cognitive level would probably be quite happy to listen to me whine about how hard my honestly comparatively quite privileged life has been. I just can't.

You've probably picked up a theme of quite toxic masculinity so far. Self hatred, supressing my feelings. I've also had some anger issues in the past, though the resulting violence has always thankfully been directed at myself.

I'm 35 year old man and I've suffered the effects of ADHD every waking moment of my life. Until a couple months ago, when I was diagnosed. I cried within an hour of the first time I felt the effects of my medication. Like really, loud, ugly cried. Over remembering to fill a water bottle and putting it on my desk. I was raised in rural Australia in that very traditionally stoic way. I don't have an easy time crying. It does not come naturally, no matter how much I might want it to. I only cry like this over deaths, and only in private. In some way I think I was coming to terms with how awful I've been to myself (and also blaming myself for not seeing it earlier and actually realising the potential I've been told I've been wasting). I have spent genuinely my entire life being told the stereotypical line that I've come to understand is almost universal for those with undiagnosed ADHD, "You have so much potential, if you'd only apply yourself." Nah, that was it. That was my best. Well, I might have had more if I'd been medicated.

And then, I remembered I needed to get to work and showed up on time. For the first time in a month. I cannot explain how trivial it obviously should be to be on time to work when you work from home and yet, I have always struggled. Despite being overwhelmed with emotion, I was still functioning above what I'd normally do on my best days. I'm not going to bother explaining what the difference was, I've tried to explain it and it never makes sense in words. Then it wore off and I was left with the dread of having to be me again. 3 hours of being sort of like everyone else and then me again. And wasted on work hours.

"I really tried this time, I really tried", that line has sat with me since the first time I heard it. I knew that feeling so well. For those of you without it seared into your minds, it's from an early episode of the Simpsons where Bart desperately tries to study for an exam so he doesn't have to repeat a year. Tortures himself. Gives up a once in a lifetime opportunity to work at this. And fails. And the teacher takes pity on him and passes him. I never got pity. I was told very clearly not to expect it. That I did not deserve it. On more one occasion I was told clearly by a teacher that they dropped me down to a failing grade as a way of encouraging me to try harder. So it's no wonder that when I fell apart in university, I knew I couldn't ask anyone for help. The ones who got given extensions or accommodations deserved it but I didn't. I was lazy. I've gotten one extension in my life, when my cousin died. Because the professor came to me and offered. I still didn't hand in that assignment. I spent the entire time doing it, I even finished it. I resat the entire course again and I nearly failed out.

But I deserved pity. Empathy. Not pity. I needed help. There were medications that would have made my life so much more liveable.

I tried reaching out to a doctor shortly after I left home (fled the country really) and they told me I was having a midlife crisis and to stop playing D&D. In my early twenties. Knocked it out of the park. Great job champ. Excellent clinical work. I was only taken seriously when I had already diagnosed myself (it probably also helped that I was so nervous I couldn't stop moving the entire time). Despite this I'm still one of the lucky ones. I keep telling myself that noone wants to hear this. I could actually afford to pay for a diagnosis and the meds. I can't imagine knowing what the problem is and not being able to get help probably exactly because of the problem. If that's you, I'm so sorry.

[matchstickwords]

I posted 126 times in 2021

6 posts created (5%)

120 posts reblogged (95%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 20.0 posts.

I added 122 tags in 2021

#fanart - 30 posts

#fanart bs - 22 posts

#sp - 14 posts

#lol - 13 posts

#edits - 8 posts

#joe keery - 8 posts

#you are in the queue - 8 posts

#steve harrington - 7 posts

#dacre montgomery - 6 posts

#fic bite - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 111 characters

#steve is nasty and i love him he needs this- billy's gonna jerk off to this moment for the rest of his life bye

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

just wanted to say thank you thank you thank you so much for writing yourself or someone like you, in case there's a bigger chance of this reaching you here than in the comments on ao3 lol. i'm rereading it for a 2nd time now and i'm absolutely in love with it, it's everything i've ever wanted in a harringrove fic. hope you're doing well. best wishes ♥

If someone knows halfempty's tumblr lol make this reach them <3

I also love that fic very much anon!

Yourself or someone like you

7 notes • Posted 2021-02-16 03:35:20 GMT

#4

COMPUTER ENHANCE!

CROP TOP???????

24 notes • Posted 2021-06-16 04:12:56 GMT

#3

You're in a car with a beautiful boy

Steve is thumping his head dejectedly on the roof of his car when Billy walks up.

"Hey, finally went completely off your rocket Harrington?"

Steve groans "my car's not working. And If I die I don't gotta go anywhere so..."

Billy laughs "okay, I see." Steve hits his head again but instead of leaving Billy stalls "uh, need a ride?" Steve thinks for a second. Yeeaah. Any day he would spit back up something at Hargrove but honestly he would accept help from anyone at this point.

"Yup, thanks."

Billy rolls his eyes and they make their way to his car.

Is not like they don't get along. Billy still provokes Steve into fits of hysteria 80% of the time. Recently it started to change (thank god) Billy does it with a sly smile, soft and- flirty? It makes Steve notice that Billy's eyes are kinda pretty.

It's fun when Billy picks on him, Billy gives Steve all his attention when he's near and since his dry spell has lasted too long. Any excitement does it for him.

Billy constantly touches Steve in small ways that drive him insane. But he doesn't know what to do. Whenever Steve tries to make it into something else, Billy retreats.

It's frustrating as all hell.

Billy opens the door sending a wink in Steve's way. And Steve wants to scream.

It's torture.

But then he remembers nights of Robin telling him to wait. To not expect anything and he opens his side of the car after Billy unlocks it from inside.

Billy starts the car and turns on the radio. Steve mutters his address and then there's nothing but the top forty to distract them.

The car rumbles when Billy makes a sharp turn in the last moment forgoing the right exit. Steve grabs onto the door and frowns, this way takes longer but the car is going really fast so he stays silent except for the scalding look he sends Billy.

He does his seatbelt just in case.

Fifteen minutes into the ride Steve thinks I'll worry on Monday and forgets about the problems that piled up all day and relaxes into the seat, spent. As he sinks the vibration of the seat hits him right. A shiver runs up his back. He fucking feels it in his nerve endings and the next thing he knows is that his whole body gives to the feeling, chasing it and exhaling when it builds. Fuck, it feels really good. His hands clench on the leather seat.

Unconsciously his legs open. When he moves, the vibration of the seat kinda fades so he goes pliant against the leather, muscles relaxed trying to get the spot back to feel the friction of his jeans against his balls.

Once he finds it he forgets where he is because he can only feel fuck- really good.

Steve clutches the leather seat and almost bucks off in surprise when Billy clears his throat.

Steve looks sideways at Billy, feels the heat on his face down to his collarbones when he sees Billy look right back at him.

"Sorry" he says and it's raspy.

Billy stays quiet but he moves his arm in Steve's direction.

He gasps and for a second thinks Billy is going to touch him but Billy's hand grabs the stick shift. He shifts between gears and then the car purrs and it sends sparks of pleasure right up Steve's dick.

He breathes out a soft "fuck, Billy." and he tilts his hips.

It builds again but better. His jeans get tight and it adds to the sensation, the hard denim seam bites perfectly on the head of his dick.

God, it's a miracle he's not squeezing down and riding the firm leather seat.

Steve slicks his hair back. He bites his lips. And avoids looking at Billy.

He wants to press his hand on his growing erection, slide his fingers to the tip of his cock, push against the seat and ride the vibrations until he comes.

The music keeps playing mixing with Billy's heavy breathing. He can see in his peripheral whenever Billy takes his eyes off the road to look at Steve.

Steve doesn't dare raise his eyes to Billy's face but he tilts his head enough that he can see Billy's lower body.

He's hard.

Granted, Steve is also super hard but Steve's decisions are questionable when Billy enters the equation.

Billy adjusts his pants with his ring and middle fingers, shirt rolled up his forearms and it's.. The sexiest thing he's seen all day. Is it weird that he wants to bite Billy's wrist?

Go big or go home, Steve thinks. Billy hasn't said anything about Steve's- whatever this is, common sense has gone MIA, so he's gonna roll with it.

Billy drives recklessly, Steve swears he finds bumps like a hound. And it makes these sounds escape his mouth. There's no way Billy isn't enabling Steve's behaviour.

The vibration torturous but sweet where he needs it. Not enough. Definitely not enough.

Billy clears his throat and he looks at Steve through the rear view mirror.

Steve doesn't know what's happening. Why he's being a crazy person but Billy doesn't seem to mind. He's mellowed a lot since high school but this seems like an extreme situation.

32 notes • Posted 2021-06-11 19:01:33 GMT

#2

35 notes • Posted 2021-06-11 18:27:18 GMT

#1

One day Billy slaps Steve's ass and Steve is like oh my god Billy grow up. He walks away flipping him off.

But the thing is.

Billy is in class trying to remember what Romeo and Juliet even are because his hand keeps tingling.

It loops in his mind. The swell of Steve's ass his hand the sound it made and the litte hissed Billy.

It eats at him. How Harrington just let him.

He keeps doing it.

-

It's insidious how it haunts him. That little action no thinking. Billy's hand just moved and now he's obsessed. He can't stop thinking about it he wants to keep his hand there it's the issue, he wants to squeeze and push Steve against the lockers and just grab a handful with both of his hands and grind on that ass.

And he can't stop looking at it. Steve's ass it is... He wants to do so many things. And the fact that he can watch it after practice doesn't help he didn't before never looked down Steve's trim waist but now but now- god he's hard again.

-

So okay, here's the thing... Steve is into whatever Billy is dishing out. But there's a careful balance built into Billy and Steve. That he's not about to break. So sure Billy is into slapping his ass more than is sportmanly allowed or whatever.

And let's not kid ourselves Steve is a bit of a jackass so provoking Billy is a sport he loves to play. So he... you know makes Billy creams his pants. Metaphorically

-

Like he wasn't about that life but his hand moved and it just happened. Is what Billy keeps thinking like he didn't track Steve with his eyes at every party. Like he doesn't hound Steve at every match like he doesn't say Steve's name at least a dozen times (he does hang out with Tommy so like Steve is mostly what they talk about)

Billy is not obsessed okay. He can stop any time he wants.

He just has to watch his hand.

It's not that Steve has a big ass or anything. He tries to reason. Maybe it's the way it jiggles or the sweet slim waist or-

Billy definitely has a problem.

70 notes • Posted 2021-06-11 18:51:18 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[casmybelovedass]

The Destiel Folder: Season 7

[Season 4; Season 5; Season 6]

This season is mostly Dean being a depressed bi who can't cope with his crush's death.

This is, in my opinion, the season where Dean actually starts realizing he might for real think of Cas as something more.

Episode 1:

Cas is basically gone, both Bobby and Sam (almost) are ready to compel to whatever he says, but Dean still tries to get him to come back. "You can turn this around. Please!" (3:13) Denial

Dean has no idea how to deal with God!Castiel, but desperate to find him, and getting emotional "I don't even know what book to hit for this." "Then figure it out!" (5:47) Anger

As we have said many times already, angels don't have a sex, Castiel is not a man, and as he states, he is "utterly indifferent to sexual orientation" (8:03), and so is Chuck, God himself, who has admitted having had both girlfriends and boyfriends.

Dean turns off the news the moment he hears a woman describe Cas as "young and sexy", while doing that jaw clentch thing of his (10:14) ... huh... [and this doesn't really matter, but after this we immediately see Dean in a purple flannel. PURPLE! Go Bi!Dean]

"He's not a guy, he's a God [...] Cas is never coming back. He's lied to us, he's used us, he's cracked your gourd like it was nothing. No more talk. We've spent enough on him." (11:09) Dean trying to jump to the 5th stage of grief. Yeah, no baby that's not how it works

Dean tries so hard to convince himself that Cas's gone so he can kill him, but can't really. "Just kill him now!" and struggles hard to hold Castiel's glare. And as soon as Death offers a second option to killing him, Dean takes it. Bargening

"Dean, look, I know you think Cas is gone." "That's because he is." (31:22) Again with trying to jump to acceptance. Not doing great, Dean. In fact, "Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my pie hole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some asian cartoon porn. And act like the world's about to explode, because it is." (32:17) There it is. Depression.

[Remember this: Dean has no shame in watching porn in front of his brother. Wait a few seasons and see]

Just moments earlier, Dean was all "That's not Cas, Cas is dead" and shit, and now he goes "What? You need something else?" worried-husband-mode the moment Cas asks for help (34:50). Also#MARRIED (35:16)

Bobby: "Where's Sam? It's go time." Dean: *looks back at Cas worried* (37:12)

MUST HELP HUSBAND (38:06) look at Dean's eyes!!! They're like 'It's okay, it's okay. You've got this.' "I'm sorry, Dean." Cas chose these words to be his last, thinking he was going to die. LOOK AT DEAN (38:21) ICWAW this would MEAN SOMETHING ELSE

"CAS! [...] Is he breathing? ... Maybe angels don't need to breathe." says the one who was going around saying Cas was gone for good. "He's gone, Dean." "... damn it... *tears up* Cas, you child... Why didn't you listen to me." #MARRIED (39:15) Then he goes "CAS?!" as soon as he starts breathing again. ICWAW, we would SCREAM "LOVE" in this scene

"Imma find some way to redeem myself to you *looks at Dean straight in the eyes*" "*looks at Cas up and down*... Alright, well, one thing at the time, come on. Let's get you out of here." "I mean it, Dean." *eye love-making* "... Okay." (40:30) ICWAW, oooohhh, the meanings this scene would have...

Dean's face when the Leviathans tell him Cas is dead. Again. (41:18)

Episode 2:

Dean looking at the Leviathans occupying Cas' body. The HATE (1:44)

"... okay... so he's gone. *shakes while tearing up* [...] Dumb son of a bitch..." (5:14) Here we go again... I'm fine, shut up

Dean picks up, washes, folds and keeps Cas' coat (5:23) SWEET

"You just lost one of the best friends you've ever had." this hurts me. "... I'm fine, really." (12:11)

"You asked me how I was doing? Well, not good." (38:54)

Episode 5:

Dean progressively drinks more as his nightmares get worse and he misses Cas more and more. 3 times we see him drink, only in the first 12 minutes.

Sam can tell Dean feels like shit, and bet one of those reasons is Cas "Like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about, it doesn't just go away. It builds up." (39:33) Yeah, and not only problems or grief... even love

Episode 7:

Not a destiel moment, but Dean totally got hit on by the waiter. LOL (7:30)

And again. What is it with men in this town and Dean. "We're looking for a necklace." "Romantic. *looks at Dean*" (12:17). Is it an energy reading thing or something? Can they feel the bi energy?

"The Campbell brothers. [...] They weren't actually brothers. That was a cover for their, uhm... alternative life style." (22:40) Huh... I guess calling your lover "brother" runs in the family

"Ever since Cas... I'm having a hard time trusting anybody." (40:44) ouch

Episode 9:

Dean is drunk/high on Leviathan juice, and the first thing he thinks and blabbers about, is Cas (19:48) "I don't even care anymore." Oooohh ICWAW... the possibilities for this scene

Episode 12:

Dean totally checked out that man in uniform. FIGHT ME (16:27)

Episode 13:

"You're head's not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now-" "Now what!!" (39:35) as soon as Sam mentions Cas' death, Dean gets snappy

Episode 17:

Dean keeps getting snappy whenever Sam mentions Cas

"OH my God the love of my life is alive!" (13:02-13:06)

Dean's face when Daphne touches Cas (13:25), and when he calls her his wife (13:41)

AND HIS FUCKING FACE TRYING NOT TO TEAR UP BECAUSE CAS DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM (14:16)

You mean to tell me that ICWAW this wouldn't be seen as a mini desperation moment from a man seeing his lover in this situation? Yeah, I don't think so

"What if you were some sort of... I don't know, bad guy." "I... I don't feel like a bad person." Dean's face is like "Damn right you aren't" (16:50)

"He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?" Dean looking at him... can't even answer the question (19:59)

Dean says Cas' betrayal is something he cant get over like everything else. And that he doesn't know why. "It doesn't matter why." "Of course it matters!" (20:25)

Dean gets visibly uneasy about Meg being so close to Cas (25:34) jealous boyfriend is jealous

Dean doesn't want Cas to remember, afraid he'll leave again (32:18)

"I've known you for years!" (32:34) poor baby. Also "You're an angel." "Uhm, I'm sorry? Is that a flirtation?" DEAN'S FACE (32:42)

Dean doesn't want Cas to be hurt by his own memories and past actions (33:00)

"You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually." Yeah, look at that reaction. Let's see how he reacts to being called his boyfriend later on (33:09)

#MARRIED!!! I'll just leave this. No comment (33:41)

As Cas regains his memories, only 2 of the ones we see are not of Dean. And the only one we hear is the "I'm sorry, Dean." . That is what matters to Cas (and this looks like a slash video. Kudos to the editors) "I remember you... I remember everything." Yeah, no-homo save (34:35)

Not even an hour earlier, Dean was ranting about Cas betraying him, how he couldn't forget and forgive him, and now he is saying Cas did "the best you could at the time", but Cas actually feels guilt and doesn't want Dean to defend him, but Dean does anyway (36:53)

"We didn't part as friends, Dean." "*looks at Cas up and down*... So what?" "I deserved to die." the look on Dean's face (37:18)

Dean gives Cas his trench coat back. The trench coat he kept, folded and all the the truck, for weeks. And that's not even Baby. So he moved the coat, to always have it with him (37:26). I'm not crying, shut up

Also, here, have a deleted scene that breaks my heart

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Episode 20:

Let us all appreciate that one time Dean helped a lesbian flirt with a dude (24:27-25:03)

Episode 21:

Dean is devastated about Cas' mental state, that he did that to himself to save Sam. Look at his eyes in this scene (16:08). Also, Dean still resents Cas for the whole 'New God' crap, but it feels like the real reason is the fact that he left (19:18)

"Cas! Don't make me pull this car over!" "Are you angry? Why are you angry? *puppy eyes*" "... No I-I'm..." #MARRIED (27:28)

Cas says he won't fight anymore, but as soon as Dean's in trouble, he FLIPS

"The angels... they don't care... I think maybe they don't have the equipment to care." (31:49) Touchy much, Dean?, are you trying to convince yourself about that? It feels like he's making excuses to not let himself feel anything for Cas. "It seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart." ... OK, fuck everything, ICWAW this would totally be seen as romantic angsty reference to Cas

Cas is so lost in his guilt for what he has caused. He looks like a baby, and it gets worse when it comes to Dean

"Why should we give you anything? After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you curropts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!" (36:50) okay damn, ICWAW all of this would seem as if they were talking about a love relationship between the two and you can't tell me otherwise

'HURT HUSBAND-MUST PROTECT MODE' (37:17)

"The bone of a righteous mortal and the blood of a fallen angel" ... shut up, I'm dying over these clues (39:11)

"What are you gonna do, Cas?" Dean's eyes are begging him to stay. ICWAW, we would point that out without a shadow of a doubt (39:40)

Episode 23:

"Dude... on my car. He showed up naked... covered in bees!" ... come on, ICWAW this would be a HUGE deal (5:10)

"Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first." (8:51) LISTEN HERE. I study psychology, and one of the first things they teach you is that jokes are based on the truth. HOW MANY OF THESE JOKES WERE MADE?! HUH??!! (plus all the "Dick" jokes Sam made) Also Dean's reaction with the jaw clentch... just saying

Cas keeps stating he doesn't want to fight, but again, Dean's in trouble? FIGHT MODE

"*soft shoulder touch, puppy eyes, serves Dean a sandwich*" ... SOFT #MARRIED COUPLE (18:27)

"You got anything to say on the topic of dicks?" you'd like that, wouldn't you, Dean? (26:42)

Cas is afraid he will do something to cause Dean more trouble. Let's remember he chose what he believed were his last words to be "I'm sorry, Dean.", but as we know, Dean deals with feelings by showing anger... Cas gets upset and copes by playing twister... pathetic. "I can't help. [...] I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again!" for a moment, Cas is lucid, and expresses his fear, but as soon as Dean gets angry with him, Cas gows back to hide in his world of crazy (26:47)

"I'm not good luck, Dean." "... You know what? [...] I'd rather have you. Cursed or not." Look at Cas' soft little smile as it grows. ICWAW, this would be read as another confession (32:38)

"I'll go with you." SOFT

SEE??! The MOMENT Dick threatens Dean, Cas goes full Angel of the Lord on his ass. MUST PROTECT HUSBAND (36:52) and the utter shock on Dean's face is priceless

And here comes PurGAYtory

[Season 8>>]

[leerongrong]

[19:35] "chenle don't do that!" pots topple over each other, clanging one on the other like broken glass until one stops right at your feet. four antique chinese pots lay on the floor while one stays in little brother!chenle's hands, his eyes bulging at the expensive set that are now dented one after another.

"mom's going to kill us."

you're collecting the pots in your hand, handing them to chenle who tries to force fit them into the top drawer, the one place your mom can't reach and won't see her heavily damaged kitchen utensils. a pair of footsteps coming towards the kitchen stops you, both you and chenle freezing in your places.

"what do we do!?" chenle whisper-shrieks while still holding onto the last pot, eyes flickering back and forth between you and the kitchen's doorway. "it won't fit!"

the footsteps come closer and you panic when you realize there's no other place to stash it in. hand stretching out to snatch the pot from chenle's hand and flinging it under the tiny gap between your oven and the floor, praying your mom won't see.

"what're you two doing?'

mark's head pops in from the door, quickly ducking to avoid a spatula chenle chucks at him. "hyung, what the heck?"

your head spins when you think about the dented pots stashed away, more so when you now realize there's a bent spatula you also need to hide until you find an exact replica of. the amount of money you and chenle would need to spend not small, both of you need to pinch in if you wanted to escape your mom's wrath.

"are the two of you okay?" mark walks in with both of his hands up in mock surrender, the spatula held in his left hand in attack position as if you and your brother are enemies ready to attack.

"no we're not," you grumble, "but thanks for asking."

you see chenle squat down to grab the pot you  flinged. his hand is pulling at its handle and you groan when you see its permanently stuck in the gap, yet another problem you needed to fix.

"i'm sure pots don't go there." boyfriend!mark's awkward presence is the only thing making you chuckle, chenle following suit before the two of you burst into full out laughter. you clutch onto your stomach, bending down when the laughter gets too much and your stomach start to hurt.

mark's in his usual clothes, black shirt with some khaki jeans, the casual outfit fitting perfectly with his already boyfriend-image. said boy hasn't moved from his spot and is currently watching you and chenle as if you two are crazy.

you slowly stand, using the marble table nearby as your leverage, slowly trying to stop chuckling while your brother's sat down on the floor trying to catch his breath. mark walks over to you, giving you some of his water and he watches as you gulp it down until half of it is gone.

"hi babe," you chuckle while moving his hair out of his face. "i'm sorry you had to see that."

chenle stands right at the moment your mother comes in, the both of you send panicked gazes at each other and pretend to act normal with each other. you break away from mark as chenle goes to your mom, the both of you hugging her and joking around.

"hello, mark." it isn't the first time your mom's met mark, the two already acquainted with each other. your mom knows you're dating mark and is enamoured with him, his surprisingly awkward charm working wonders on her. "let's start making jiaozi now, shall we?"

hours are spent away while the three of you watch your mom make the chinese dish, all of you in awe at how easy she makes it seem.

"why don't you three try?"

you laugh at chenle when flour exploads in his face, the white substance covering his whole face while he coughs and tries to rub his eye clean, you also laugh when the same happens to mark. "c'mere you two babies lemme help."

your hands are slightly damp with water as you wipe the flour from chenle's face first before moving onto mark, carefully swiping his face until he's all clean from any flour. you don't notice the way mark looks at you, eyes focused on your figure.

he imprints it in his memories as you stick your tongue out when the the flour on his face doesn't rub off completely and the way his eyes sparkle when you smile at him, face clean of flour. you only realize when you look up at him, head tilting to the side at the way he looks at you.

"do i have something on my face?"

mark laughs and shakes his head, his cluelessness really is rubbing off on you. "nope, lets get back to cooking."

making something you're not used to proves hard, the dough in your hand tearing in all the wrong places. you blow a strand of hair from your face and throw the failed jiaozi into the trash. ordering in pizza is way easier.

both chenle and mark call out for you, both men with dough ready to be filled with meat in their hands. you watch as they both clumsily push their hands against the dough to make the shape.

"mark, babe, no. that's not how you do it."

you're placing your hands on mark's without much thought and the boy blushes red from it, the kitchen suddenly too hot for him. he looks at chenle on his side and isn't surprised to find said boy focused on his own jiaozi, completely unaware of anything else.

"so first of all, you need to place the baby on the bed." you're teaching him step by steps and mark would say you're a good teacher if he were listening to what you're saying. but right now, his attention is on your lips and how prettily pink they look. "then tuck the baby into the bed-"

"and then you eat the baby!" you laugh, throwing your head back only to be caught off guard when you're pulled into mark's arms. he's eyeing the door to look for your mom, who isn't anywhere in sight and leans down to press a kiss on your lips.

"ew, hyung. no kissing my sister in the kitchen. the only baby i want is the cooked jiaozi!"

mark's mouth falls open when he takes a bite out of the cooked dish, taste buds bursting with flavour. he looks at you and chenle to find the two of you in the same condition as him.

"how is it?" your mom grins, "good isn't it?"

chenle moans, the boy plucking another jiaozi from the table and popping it into him mouth. the boy skipping over to your mom to give her a kiss. "you're the best mom."

your mom laughs and turns her head to you and mark, raising an eyebrow at the boy beside you while smiling in earnest. "you can bring some home if you want to."

"i'd love to mrs. zhong," mark says, "this is the best thing i've eaten in my life."

the next hour is used to clean around the kitchen, packing in some unused ingredients and throwing away the trash. you're walking mark to the front door, freshly cookied jiaozi in his hands to bring home.

"i'll talk to you later?" you lean on the door, looking at mark who's putting on his shoes and getting ready to go back to the dorms. "call and tell me what the boys think, yeah?"

mark's pushing himself up so you can wrap your hands around his neck, the two of you sharing a sweet kiss before releasing each other, not without leaving messy pecks on each others' faces. "i'll text you when i get to the dorms."

"y/n!" you hear screams from both your mom and brother inside the house, eyebrows furrowing while looking at your boyfriend with a puzzled expression. "where are my favorite pots?"

mark laughs when the color drains from your face, clapping his hands together before plopping a kiss on your cheek. "you've got something to take care of. i'll call later?"

"only if i survive." you watch as mark heads off in the direction of his dorms, face scrunching in with dread when you hear your brother call out for you again. "yeah! yeah! i'm coming!"

[eddiemxnsons]

PROMPT/SITUATION LIST (1)

If interested, you can select one or more of these following prompts/situations to integrate into your Band of Brothers request!

PROMPTS !

(NOT ALL ARE MINE!)

BORDERLINE SEXUAL/FLIRT/NSFW

1. "I'm the captain of the girls Track and Field team and Cross Country team, but I can also be fast and dominating in other departments."

2. "Bite me", "If you insist"

3. "You're not very intimidating"

4. "Drop the attitude"

5. "We're just friends", "Friends don't nonchalantly do this sort of shit"

6. "Really? You want to have sex here...now?"

7. "Do you like that? Me being in control?"

8. "You wanted me to walk in on you"

9. "I dare you"

10. "Watch me"

11. "Don't test me"

12. "Don't be a smartass"

13. "Try to stay quiet for me. Can you do that?"

14. "Is that the best you can do?"

15. "Wanna bet?"

16. "Do not tempt me"

17. "We're in public, you know"

18. "Do you think they could hear us", "Yes we can"

19. "Quick, fucking hide in that closet"

20. "You're so fucking hot when you're mad"

21. "Hurry up"

22. "Wow, I didn't know your were that flexible"

SITUATIONS

1. Good morning kiss

2. In secret kiss

3. Against a wall kiss

4. Standing outside in the rain

5. Injury/death of character or reader

6. Going to meet his family/taking him to meet yours

7. Rainy morning spent in bed

8. Back hugs

9. Long embraces

10. Stroking their thumbs over the back of the other’s hand whilst holding hands

11. Softly stroking their cheek with their thumb

12. Jealous kisses

13. Distracting kisses

14.

ANGST/SOFT/GENERAL

1. "Fuck you"

2. "What's the point?"

3. "You're family, I could never

leave you behind"

4. "I've got you"

5. "I need you"

6. "I care about you"

7. "I'm just looking out for you"

8. "You make me feel alive. For the first time in awhile, it feels like I can truly breathe"

9. "I'd feel a lot better if you just let me walk you home"

10. "If I asked you to stay, would you?"

11. "I'm not a damsel in distress. I'm a damsel at doing damage"

12. "You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions"

13. "It wasn't your fault"

14. "You're wrong and I'll prove it"

15. "There's so much blood"

16. "I actually found it in the

recycling bin behind the building"

17. "I can't do anything right"

18. "Don't tell me to relax!"

19. "Quit touching me, your feet are cold!"

20. "You aren't the boss of me"

21. "What gives you the right?"

22. "How is this my fault?"

23. "I don't care"

24. "Control your anger or you'll have me to worry about"

25. "I can't see anything"

26. "Don't look"

27. "All I want is a happy ending"

28. "__! Open the door"

29. "You lied to me"

30. "Marry me"

31. "I'm not going anywhere"

32. "Take my hand"

33. "Let me help you"

34. "It's okay, I'm here"

35. "Hear that? I'm alive, I'm right here with you"

36. "Have you lost your damn mind?"

37. "What the fuck were you thinking? You could have been killed"

38. "You need to rest"

39. "I can't feel my legs"

40. "Lucky shot"

41. "You're not going to die on me"

42. "__! Take my hand!"

43. "Take me instead"

44. "Don't touch her/him"

45. "Let her/him go"

46. "You're jealous"

47. "Watch me"

48. "You're dead"

49. "Am I going to die?"

50. "We found you crying. What happened?"

51. "Nothing ever goes right"

52. "Where is he/she?"

53. "This is all your fault"

54. "Wake up"

55. "I would rather die"

56. "I feel so sick"

57. "It burns/hurts"

58. "God must hate me"

59. "You shouldn't have gone by yourself"

60. "Get out of my way"

61. "You don't need to worry about me"

62. "Is that blood?"

63. "I can't say I'm surprised"

64. "Isn't that illegal?"

65. "I'll be with you the whole time"

66. "I don't wanna hurt you"

67. "I keep seeing his/her face"

68. "I didn't want to make you do this"

69. "Did you do this to yourself?"

70. "You have the emotional capacity of a brick"

71. "Shut up for a second, would you?"

72. "Are you wearing my shirt?"

73. "I want to marry you"

74. "I saw that. You just checked me out"

75. "You look awful"

76. "What happened last night?"

77. "I want you to be happy"

78. "If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"

79. "Do me a favor and break my nose"

80. "She/he is the star athlete"

81. "You owe me a drink"

82. "Please tell me you feel the same way"

83. "I'm in love with my best friend"

84. "You look stunning"

85. "You're so fucking amazing"

86. "You're burning up"

87. "I've got your back"

88. "I don't like the way they look at you"

89. "I took NyQuil instead of DayQuil on accident and am about to pass out"

90. "I totally let you win, I mean, look at who you're up against"

91. "Shit, that's a lot of blood"

92. "Don't give me that look"

93. "Am I scaring you?"

94. "Hey, you demon fuck"

95. "My thing is, I don't give a shit"

96. "You've always been trouble"

97. "God, you're pretty"

98. "Does it hurt?"

99. "I love it when you laugh"

100. "You shouldn't have done that"

101. "I'm here, baby"

102. "I'm seriously not that drunk"

103. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

104. "So I just realized...that I was shot"

105. "I don't necessarily hate you, but if you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I'd drink it instead"

106. "You love him/her don't you?" "Was is that obvious?"

107. "Are you okay?"

108. "Don't just stand there"

109. "Stop it, you're bleeding"

110. "I waited for you for hours"

111. "Dance with me"

112. "You little shit"

113. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry"

114. "Put the gun down"

115. "The blood says otherwise"

116. "I'd kiss you but it presently seems inappropriate to do so"

117. "Then marry me"

118. "Let's be honest, we/you got lucky"

119. "You having fun down/up there?"

120. "You're safe"

121. "You don't have half a chance, bitch"

122. "I have a hole in my side", "Pardon?", "I got shot"

123. "Stay quiet and don't fucking move"

124. "You look good today"

125. "Stop being difficult"

126. "Yeah, yeah, you're cute, now stop with that with shit-eating grin"

127. "Tell me I'm wrong"

128. "I'm only here to establish an alibi"

129. "I need a favor — not the sexual kind"

130. "Why can't I see you?"

131. "Help is on the way. You just have to stay awake a little bit longer"

132. "Do you want to die?"

133. "I'm fully capable of kicking your ass"

134. “Can you shut up for once in your life?”

135. “You’re jealous”

136. “I’m telling you. I’m haunted”

137. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion”

138. “It’s six o’ clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka”

139. “Okay, so maybe I didn’t see that coming”

140. “Excuse me?”

141. “Can I kiss you?”

142. “You really thought I was dead?”

143. “God, I love your face.”

144. “I love it when you’re a mess!”

145. “I just want you to be happy.”

146. “I can’t imagine my life without you”

147. “Stop being a fucking dick”

148. “You weren’t there...why weren’t you there”

149. “Do you think?”

150. “Now it’s over....I don’t really know what to do”

151. “Don’t look”

152. “I can’t see anything”

153. “What’s happening?”

154. “Get away from me!”

155. “Whatever you do, don’t open your eyes”

156. “Somebody help me/us, please”

157. “Thank you for staying with me”

158. “Your eyes are so pretty”

159. “Get over here, you doof”

160. “You’re so needy”

161. “Kiss me again”

162. “I don’t care”

163. “That isn’t an option”

164. “What did you just say to me?”

165. “Let go of me”

166. “You aren’t the boss of me”

167. “Do I make myself clear?”

168. “Excuse me?”

169. “How is this my fault?”

170. “Why are your eyes so red?”

171. “Are you afraid to die?”

172. “Want some company?”

173. “Are you warm enough?”

174. “What’s the point?”

175. “I’m not afraid to die, just wish I could live a little first”

176. “I trust you with my life”

177. “I need you to live”

178. “You make me want to live”

179. “You’re worth more than this”

180. “You’re bleeding”

181. “You’re allowed to be upset about what happened to you”

182. “Please, let me help you”

183. “You have me”

184. “Just rest”

185. “I’ve got you, you’re safe”

186. “Why kill them with kindness when you can kill them with fire?”

187. “I bet you can’t jump high enough to reach the ceiling”, “try me”

188. “__, wake up!” “I’m not asleep. I’m dead. Leave flowers and get out”

189. “You’ll have to forgive __, she/he has a heart condition. He doesn’t have one”

190. “But if you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?”

191. “It’s freezing, come here”

192. “Say it again”

193. “Kiss me again”

194. “You were always sure of yourself”

[alaina-achilles]

ii

challenge one

((sorry for the kinda short fic haha, I’m getting crazy busy with assignment deadlines smh. anyways thanks for the nice rp anna @arin-schreave. and love our rps as usual ana!! @itssara-oc @itzelbm-oc ))

The etiquette lesson was… uneventful. And I certainly was not ready to be thrown on so much information so early in the morning. Especially with an empty stomach. Luckily I’ve got that covered and ate a packet of oreos in my room before going out. And I’m also lucky I know most of the basics thanks to the gatherings my sisters and I are often forced to attend. My maids were really nice and they did my hair nicely and I opted for a simple and formal dress for the interview.

The interview.

I sigh as I think about it. To be honest, I’m quite… nervous. I've had many interviews in my life before and my mom has certainly prepared me well for each and every one of them. It’s not the cameras that worry me - I’ve had a few interviews with them before on my book and career… It’s the prince. I’m so used to knowing the interviewee well (by doing my research, of course) that I often know just what to say to please them and make them like me. But I know none of that about the prince.

I sigh and bite my lip and turn around to walk to the food when I see the girl I was hoping to see for the entire morning.

“Hey!” I say as a way of greeting. My friend looks up, sees me and immediately smiles.

“Achi!” I smile at the sound of my new nickname. Sara quickly pulls me into a hug. “that quick etiquette class was something…” she lowers her voice. “I'm sure I wasn't the only one who can feel the tense atmosphere.”

“I know what you mean... I’m glad I already know the basics... how are we supposed to learn all of that in one go” I agree with her, shaking my head as I feel sorry for those who have never learnt any of that before. We talk more about the class and decide to start piling food onto my plate. I hope nobody heard my stomach growl.

“You know I'm so tempted to ask to switch seats but I know it probably won't be the best idea.” Sara says as we groan about how far each other are.

I giggle at the thought of Sara asking another girl to switch seats. “yeah, i guess it’ll be a good chance for us to meet new people…” I frown as I stress about how I haven’t actually met anyone else yet. “Have you met any other girls yet?”

Sara chuckles. “I guess you can say that.” She cocks her head to the side and sighs “I've said a few words to some of them but I'm not sure anyone clicked with me like you. How about you?”

I smile at her words. “yeahh I havent really too…” I say with a shake of my head as I think of how I spent the whole night talking to my sisters instead of socializing. I turn to the drink selection and widen my eyes in awe. “I never knew there are SO many types of milk!”

“Ah milk something I wish I could drink but I'm lactose in tolerant” Sara replies with a giggle. “Anyway look at all the food. I'm just hoping to enjoy my time here!” She smiles, but for some reason, it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I don't feel like I'll last one. First of all the prince isn't in my opinion really aware that this is a selection, he has 35 girls hoping to ask for his hand in marriage. Second of all, as someone who was once thinking of marrying the so called love of my life I know he's not completely over his ex, and third there is going to be a lot of drama.”

I cock my head to the side as I think about her words, not expecting that. “Yeah I know what you mean... The prince doesn't seem happy at all.” I sigh. “I honestly don't know what to do with the interview later... hopefully he’ll find someone he can love and be happy about”

She shrugs in response. “I don't know how I'll introduce myself. I could smile and lie or tell him what I really think.” She bites her lip. “I really do hope he finds someone among these girls to make him happy. Or at least someone who would even remotely fall in love with him despite possibly being a rebound. Anyway, do you know who's gonna be at your table? Anyone you wanna be friends with?”

I nod at her words. “That’s true... I think I’d give him one chance, the interview, to see who he really is…” I say with a smile. Sometimes I forget that this selection goes both ways too. I’m not the only one who has to be liked by the prince. “I’m not sure but I think Itzel’s on my table... I haven't met her yet but she was sitting near me during the etiquette class so yeah. You?”

“I wish I could but I myself am in a similar situation as him. And I feel awful I took a place of someone who would have tried harder. Or at least wanted this. Anyways, I'll be cheering for you!!” She says with a smile. “What kind of vibes does she give? She seems cold and intimidating to me. Jen and Andromeda, and a couple more. They seems nice. I just hope I'll be able to make small talk.”

I thank her with a smile. “And I hope you also find the one you love and loves you back... “ I pause as I think about her question. “Itzel... I don’t know, she seems like a bit cool and we didn't say much just now. Hopefully some good food will cheer her up!”

We continue chatting about Itzel and other stuff as we continue to fill our plate. We finally decide to finish our conversation to go and enjoy our food after a short while. I tell her good luck with finding new friends.

She nods and gives me thumbs up. “I will try my best, Achi.” For some reason, I feel like she’s acting a bit off, but I brush it off as nerves from the interview. But as we walk away, I turn back around and mouth “thanks bun” to which she smiles in response. I sigh and look at my plate of food happily as I walk back to my table.

“Hi, Itzel, right?” I say to the girl near me.

She smiles politely, nodding in acknowledgement. “Hello and you are correct, I am Itzel.” She hums in thought as she looks at me. “I am trying hard to remember names and faces, I am bad at this so I am sorry for not quite knowing. I believe your name starts with an A, right?”

I brighten up at her guess. “Yup!! I’m Alaina!” I look at my plate. “How’s the food?” Food is always a good topic to start off.

She chuckles. “Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Alaina. It is delicious. There's quite a few things that are new to me so I'm very happy right now.. You'll enjoy the food very much. Are you excited to meet the Prince after this?”

I smile at her reply and take a bite of my food and widen my eyes. “this IS good!!” I laugh. “ I am! And also quite nervous”

We continue to talk more and I learn that Itzel is into neuroscience.

“Wow neurology and neuroscience... I did a few psychology courses in uni and I struggled so badly with the neuro stuff.” I tell her truthfully with a laugh. “You are one brave girl for wanting to do that.”

Itzel turns out to be super nice as we get to know each other. She also helped calm my nerves as we finished our lovely breakfast. I make a mental note to tell Sara about it.

“Anyway, let your other friend know I'm not THAT bad. I could see her shake every time she looked at me.” Itzel tells me as we stand up, seeming to have read my mind.  

“I definitely will!! And good luck on your interview with the prince!” I tell her with a laugh. She smiles and wishes the same to me and soon we are ushered into a waiting room. I look around to find Sara, but can’t see her as I scan the room a few times. I shake my head, she’s probably touching up in the bathroom. I sigh and before I can even choose a new girl to talk to, I’m called into the room.

I take a deep breath and hold my head high like Mom always tells us to as I step into the room filled with cameras. I smile at the cameras and try to keep my walking natural and elegant.

You can do this.

And if all goes wrong, blame your sister. She caused all of this anyways.

I hide my smile at the silly thought and turn my focus to the gorgeous guy that is the prince. While I may not know the prince well, one thing I know for sure. He is definitely good-looking. Despite the lack of a er genuine smile. He must not have been taught acting in his education. I think with a giggle as I keep my smile intact. I don’t miss him looking at my name tag. And I guess, he also didn’t take the time to learn our names.

“Good morning, Lady Alaina, please have a seat.” He says formally, motioning to the sofa.

“Good morning, your highness.” I say with a smile before pausing in slight anxiety. Do I curtsy or…? I decide to quickly bob into one before sitting down hastily. I can instantly hear my mom’s voice in my head.

Be professional, Alaina. Stop with the fidgeting nonsense. You’re a lady, Alaina. And don’t ever drop that smile. You know that’s one of your best physical traits.

Prince Arin sits down next to me gracefully and angles his body towards me. “How are you doing this morning?”

A simple and straight-forward question.

I place my hand on my lap as my mom has taught me to since I was a little kid. “I’m good. I met some of the other girls and that was quite interesting-” I answer. “And also what you’ve been doing the whole morning.” I add with a laugh. “How’s yours?”

He nods at me. “It’s going well, thank you. Did you sleep well?” I vaguely remember some random guy saying their morning had been bad but now that they’ve met me, theirs is perfect. I almost laugh at the memory.

Focus, Alaina.

“I didn't sleep for very long as I was busy talking to my sisters.” I tell him truthfully as I smile fondly at the thought of my sisters. “But the sleep is good, the bed is really comfy!”

He nods. “I’m glad you were able to speak with them. Big changes can be difficult.” His eyes go to the cameras then back to me. I wonder what is he thinking. Does he wish for them to be gone like I do? I wonder if he is different when away from the cameras. I catch myself almost frowning at the thought but quickly smooths my face back to the perfect smile. “Which province are you from?”

“Atlin.” Then I decide to try to make him smile. My friends laugh a lot at this alliteration. “Alaina Achilles of Atlin.”

He does not smile. “And what do you do in Atlin?” I almost frown again as I realize how factual his questions are. All of them should be written in my profile or something…

Maybe it’s all just for the cameras.

“I just got my degree and was in the process of finding a job. I ended up deciding to give writer another try.”

He nods again. “What kind of writing do you do?”

“Fiction…” I look a bit embarrassed as I think about my published book that I’m not very proud of. It was definitely not my best work. I sigh and lower my voice so that only he can hear. “Okay fine, y’all prolly have had people stalked us thoroughly so no point in hiding this... “ I say then louder “I wrote and published a book a few years ago.”

He does not just nod at this! “Oh.” He pauses as his head bobs. “What kind of book? I didn’t read your files so I’m not up to speed on your accomplishments.”

Guess the questions aren’t just for the cameras then.

I almost scoff at his choice of words. “Accomplishments” make this really sound like a job interview. Perhaps it is, in a way. So instead I act surprised and look down as I realize I have to tell him about my book in front of cameras. Not like the media doesn’t know about this already. “it’s a um teen romance…”

“I haven’t read any books from that genre but I’m sure it must be wonderful. Being published is an accomplishment.”

Accomplishment.

“It’s not... it’s a cheesy book written by a sixteen year old…” I peeks at him through my eyelashes. “I’m sure you’re gonna laugh if u ever came across it.”

And for the first time, he actually shakes his head instead of nodding it. “I tend to stick to non fiction so I think you’re safe.” He finishes with a weird expression that looks suspiciously like a ghost of a smile. I soften as I realize how much this is bugging him as it’s bugging me and decide to laugh it off to ease the tension.

“Well it’s actually called “the bad boy ruined my project” so I’m not really worried. Do you like reading?”

“I do, if I can find the time. Your book sounds like something my sister would enjoy.” He looks a teeny bit more relaxed as we talk about something less er formal.

I nod. “Well, then I’ll recommend it to her when I see her. Any favorite genres?”

“I’ll read mostly anything.” I almost roll my eyes at his answer that tells me nothing about him. He glances over at his watch then looks back to me. “Thank you for speaking with me this morning, Lady Alaina, it’s been a pleasure.” He says as he stands up.  “I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.”

I instantly nod and stand up as well, relieved that this is finally over. “Thank you for your time, your highness. The pleasure’s mine.” I tell him with a smile as I awkwardly bob another curtsy. “You too.” I say as he just looks at me without any expression at all. I hold back a sigh and smile at the cameras again and give them a little wave as I walk back out of the room.

I take a deep breath the moment I step out of my room. I really need to talk to someone. That interview was… nothing that I ever had before. I think about going back into the waiting room, but I really am not in the mood of making small talk with other girls. So I decide to go back into my room. Since I’m one of the first few girls to have finished the interview, the halls should be nice and quiet.

As I walk up the stairs to my room, I hear a bit of hushing and then a closing of a door followed by the sound of the door locking. I ignore the sound as I walk past the first two rooms to my room. As I walk past Sara’s room. I pause. There seems to be someone else in the room with her… But I know for sure, she isn’t due to have her interview until later…

I shake my head and decide she has probably met a new friend. Despite myself, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. Even Sara’s making new friends, probably someone she enjoys the company of over me since I haven’t been to her room before. What am I doing here? I ask myself as I walk into my own room and unzip my dress.

Not bothering to pull my dress off, I reach for my phone and call my sisters.

[san-station]

A Quiet Place AU / ATEEZ (Post-apocalyptic)

Chapter 6

↝Word count: 3.6k

Description: In a world full of silence and dangerous creatures seeking for blood, a group of friends have to survive for their own good and find the safe place they've heard about months ago.

Pairing: San x OC

WARNING: mention of death, depression, cursing.

・・・・・・・・

With every storm, there’s a rainbow somewhere.

It’s pretty odd to say that after Misuk’s death, the #439 day began as a peaceful day. That Monday Mingi, Wooyoung and Yeosang walked around the periphery recollecting some vegetables that were on our garden behind the old building, I joined a couple hours later just grabbed some fruits and keep an eye on the boys. We talked about how vegetables tasted better than ever and Mingi tried to figure out if the reason was some kind of radioactive answer. Wooyoung tried to hold his sharp laugh eating tons of strawberries, they tained his teeth red for six hours. We also found two raccoon bodies smashed in the middle of the tomatoes, so we figured we had to be more careful outside the building to prepare the runaway. Meanwhile, Yeosang and I recollected some carrots and oranges, the tension between us was visible, we made eye contact three times and the three times I almost growled at him, still mad about last night. I was trying to distract myself from the events of the day before with them, but the thoughts were only intensify by the animal blood near the garden. 

At night, we had dinner indoors, most of the guys were chatting about the few days we had in there, remaking a new plan for us to start heading to our supposed new home, Wonderland. However, Seonghwa seemed too caught up on his own world that he didn’t even touch his fish or veggies; and if stares could burn you, Seonghwa caught me staring at him. The worrying look on my face made him give me a smile to put an ease to my thoughts, he started to eat after I gulped a glass of water and gesture him swallow everything on his plate. I knew he was as affected as I was, maybe even more. Hongjoong had told us he felt guilty for not being able to protect Misuk when he was the strongest between the three of us, it made no sense if he also would’ve been killed. 

Things turned a little tense when Wooyoung mentioned our discovery on the tomatoes garden. 

"You're not allowed to go outside again this week", Hongjoong had said to me when I washed the dishes. He thought that my scent could have probably attracted the creatures near our house. I agreed bluntly as Mingi hugged my back and reassure that everything would be okay. 

On Tuesday, Yunho, Wooyoung and Jongho prepared an incredible meal with the supplies we brought, the amused moment was when they realized they couldn't cook without Seonghwa, who was out fixing a fissure in the water pipe, it was caused by that time when Wooyoung went to bathroom. Yeah, he was right, that shit was pretty messy. Literally.  I really wanted to go with him but he agreed to go by himself because “he was okay alone”. Saying I was hurt was an understatement… By the end of the day, I took care of gathering some supplies for our road trip, organized our food, water, clothes, pills and guns. We were obligated to dominate the art of shooting and targeting stuffs, luckily, we used them once in the forest yet we didn’t like to use them due to obvious reasons: noise. 

Anyway, as for San and Hongjoong, they never got out of the oldest bedroom till it was night time. San was carrying a notebook and some papers down his armpits while he grabbed a cup of the black coffee I made for Hongjoong and gave me a flash smile. Sometimes, San and I smiled at each other from time to time when our eyes met for too long, but he still was an idiot with big ego trying to make me mad at everything he did. I wasn’t sure of that new attitude of his, but it was better than his stearn and cold eyes.

On Wednesday, we all played Monopoly and remained in the basement for safety, if raccoons died the day before, we had to be aware of anything. So, we ended up hating Hongjoong and his fucking cute laugh as he robbed all of our money when we stepped in all his properties, Mingi kept fake-crying for an entire hour as Hongjoong took his little red houses from the spots he bought and he placed his purple buildings instead. Yeosang, Mr. Corrupt Bank, smiled devilish as he handed Hongjoong the last few dollars of the game. That little bastard knew how to play or he was a mastermind on cheating. San almost punched him and almost threw the game board as he perished in the jail longer than anyone else. We laughed till our bellies hurt, until our eyes cried, until our cheeks felt hot and our backs collided on the basement floor. The tension around us for the last three days faded away in that exact minute, we were just a group of young adults fooling around with our friends and classmates before Kihwang would come from his Art History class and would yell at us to start running over the place. But he never came, and we never ran, and all that we once knew as a normal life became a living hell as we played seek and hide with some freaking aliens. What a plot twist, bro. 

On Thursday, I made a peace alliance with Yeosang, not because either of us wanted to, we had to clean the basement with Seonghwa while the others were risking their lives outside looking for some fishy delight; before they left, Hongjoong made us pretty clear that we had to “put our shit together or else…”, we didn’t want to know the or else..., so we established that we had to figure how to stop looking for each other's throats and befriend one more time. Seonghwa was the mediator, so everything went just fine after some cursing, death wishes, some tears and a hug.

The guys came back three hours later, the river was near the abandoned city so the walk would be tedious. By the time they opened the basement door, Yeosang and Seonghwa were having a big discussion about a puppet show they started to put a smile on our faces.  After cleaning, I was worrying sick about everyone not coming home, so Yeosang thought it might be a good distraction. The show included my fluffy cat, Yeosang’s stuffed turtle, Seonghwa's big red Angry Bird character and San’s puppy, Shiber. 

“She has to marry Private Ryan”, Seonghwa grabbed his fluffy bird and placed my cat next to it. Yeosang frowned, grabbed the cat and placed it next to his turtle.

“Ehm, no, she has to marry Larry”.

“No one wants to marry Larry, Yeosang”, Seonghwa spoke as he, once again, took Manny, the cat, and put it aside the animals. I was staring at them the whole time sipping a glass of water in silence because I've already tried to speak and they almost ate me alive. They decided to have “fun” trying to create some kind of bad soap opera, oblivious that the real drama was getting closer and closer. 

“Fuck you, everyone wants to marry Larry, even Private Ryan”, Yeosang looked offended and hugged his turtle as if it was alive, he was trying to calm Larry down by caressing its shell. 

“How could anyone marry him? He’s too slow for this, the cat needs some real man that can fly her away from monsters”, the black haired man logically explained and grinn when he watched me hiding a smile. It seemed that the main characters didn't realize the boys were there, waiting for some answers about the childish show. San looked exhausted thought. Despites the arguments for my kitten marrying the turtle or the bird, San walked to the couch I was sat on, grabbed Shiber and Manny and sat next to me, interrupting the play. 

 “Let’s finish this”, he started, “Manny and Shiber are engaged, I don’t even know why you guys are fighting for. Besides, Private Ryan is gonna be the best man and Larry will be the flower boy, now shut up and let them be happy forever so we can rest on our beds, we're pretty tired and I need silence", San made the kitten and his little dog kissed for a second while he looked dead serious with his knitted eyebrows. Then, his features relaxed when a giggle escaped my lips and I covered my mouth with the back of my hand. San’s eyes stared at me with the edges of his mouth barely up and handed the plushies to me. I let the glass or water aside and hugged them together. Seonghwa gasped and Yeosang just glared at San’s Shiber. San stood up and left the living room with Wooyoung side by side, he had the biggest Joker smile I’ve ever seen and kind of creeped me out. 

The puppet show was over and we had a great dinner with the fishes they hunted. San let me sleep with Shiber as he now was Manny’s husband. What can I say? It was childish but cute. But suddenly, sleeping between Hongjoong and Seonghwa made me shiver, the warmth of the room disappeared slowly as my body lacked from the human contact. When my eyes opened, I was welcomed with pure loneliness and a cold room, I frowned. It was 2:35 AM according to my wristwatch, yet, I still could hear whispers coming from the living room, they were still taking about the trip. I was exhausted from the cleaning so I didn't think too much and closed my eyes one more time. I snuggled with Shiber between my arms the rest of the night. 

Now it was Friday, I spent the entire day inside my room due to cramps, in the end of the world a woman still has to survive that pain. My head was killing me and I hesitated everytime I wanted to go outside for some air or a glass of water; however, Hongjoong and Seonghwa made sure to warned out the guys to be careful when they came around my room to not cause any problem and disturb my susceptible self. I would eat them alive if they try to argue with me in that state. I could also sense that something was going on, or perhaps I was delusional and craving for some sweet, but they kept they guard on when I started to ask about what they were doing or how was the plan. Hongjoong tensed while he put the cup of tea next to the bed and Seonghwa was the first to approach. 

"Did you not sleep here?", I asked after they avoided the previous question. “I think I had another nightmare, you know, about day 1…” 

"We've been talking with the guys about the next move", the raven boy said and smiled. "Don't worry about us, take the rest of the day." 

"Yeosang sends his iPod", Hongjoong handed it with the headphones and kissed my head. "We'll talk later, Ji. You stay here and rest", then, they were gone, leaving me with Yeosang’s shuffle playlist. I didn’t ask anything else, however, a strange feeling inside my chest kept me uneased all day.

On Saturday I was ready to left the room, I was feeling a little bit better than the day before, moreover, the boys were cautious about my movements and talking.   

“Do you need anything, Ji?”, Mingi asked patting my hair with a soft smile on his face. I returned the gesture touching his well-fitted chest and crunch my nose.

“I’m okay, Mingi, it’ll be over soon”, I assured him as he engulfed me in his strong and long arms. 

“I’m happy I didn’t born as a woman.” 

That was all he said before I killed him with my own hands. Well, actually I punched him a little and made him my slave for all day long. Another odd thing was that Jongho finally talked to me, he looked very sad, thought, but it was an improvement. 

“Here are some pills Misuk always asked when she felt bad”, he handed me a little ziploc with five white pills.

“Oh… thank you, Jongho”, I gave him a quick smile and went to the kitchen.

 I stuck to Hongjoong’s side all day since I wanted to be aware of the expedition. Unexpectedly, he was acting weird, he had a certain manner to handle things sometimes and now he was avoiding my gaze, he rather talk about everything but the trip road, he even ordered me to go and paint some animals on the fourth floor after lunch when Yeosang called him to set up some kind of loose ends on the plan. He almost yelled at me when I insisted on helping with the route map, that’s what I’m talking about, that mullet boy never acted like that. I knew I fucked up with Misuk’s murder, yet it increased the continuous torment of the voices inside my head blaming me all over again. I wasn’t ready for him to demonstrate such an attitude about my culpability, thus I stopped and went to my painting room as all the eyes in the place watched my walk of shame. 

On Sunday every racional part of me started to fall apart. I woke up earlier than the boys, it was pretty unusual if I said. I made breakfast for all, some dumplings, fruits and a hella great coffee, maybe I thought it could be some payment to them for bearing my behavior; before anyone could see me, I grabbed my backpack, filled it with a bottle of water, a few dumplings and fruits, a blanket, some sunlight, my gun and Jongho’s pills. 

 I left the basement and went up to the fourth floor of the building, the sun started to rise from the window with its orange light and I smiled at it, I welcomed it with the few energy I had. It felt nostalgic, the quiet floor sometimes could be scary as hell, after all, I was alone in a building where no one would hear my screams from down earth. Moreover, while I put more and more space between the boys and myself, it started to feel like I wasn’t entirely alone, a thread connected us as we became a family after everything we’ve been through. Families fight, families made peace, I just needed a few hours away to understand that I was being skeptical over them hiding things, important things. And I knew we were going on the road the next day, but my chest ached with discomfort and concern due to Hongjoong’s distrust in my capacity to separate my feelings from our main mission: Wonderland. The tables had turned, I was so worry about Jongho being the one affected, but at the end it was only me and my persisting mouth. 

My hands weren’t able to draw a thing, they were rigid, inflexible, unable to even paint a curve. So my feet took me to the rooftop when the sun was finally set up in the sky, saluting with warmth and happiness that I couldn’t feel either. I put some sunlight while I rested on the floor and closed my eyes. The bright light kept my dreams from the shadows as my mind traveled to a parallel world where everything around me glowed, where my body felt loose, like floating through the space in the quietness of the periphery. My chest went up and down as I took deep breaths and a minute later I was fully relaxed, no worries on my minds, no negative thoughts about blood, or death, or sorrow, or guilt...  With every storm, there’s a rainbow somewhere, it just wasn’t raining any time soon. After a minute or two, the slumber won the battle between anxiety and disappointment and I submerged in the glowing sea of hope and dreams that onces were reachable in the impossible now. 

A few hours later, a big shadow blinded the bright sun and made me open my eyes a bit faster than usual, the blurry figure was looking at me from above with a tense jaw and fisting hands.

“How long have you been here?”, the man signed abruptly and my eyebrows knitted.

“What do you mean?”, I raised my back up a little and sat slowly, for a few seconds dizziness invaded my sight and I blinked severely as Hongjoong’s face became visible.

“Did you not see the time, Jiyeong?”, then I looked around. The sky was still light up but little shiny stars started to show up as minutes passed by. How long did I sleep? I was sure my nightmares depravated me without a good rest, but I wasn’t aware of how tired I really was. 

“We thought you’ve left a while ago”, again, he moved his hands harshly and it didn’t matter if we were quiet, his face expressed the anger he was holding inside. 

“Couldn’t you look up in here?”, I got up on my two feet and dust off my clothes. “Even so, why would I leave without you? I was waiting till you had your breakfast to go downstairs and finally began the travel”.

“We already had lunch, Jiyeong, it’s been seven hours…”, I was taken by surprise realizing how much I was off, my skin felt warm due the sun but it didn’t hurt too much. “Don’t do that again, okay? We-… I thought...”, Hongjoong sighed and bit his lip.

“What? That I’ll leave you just because you’re being a dick to me? Nah, I’m too rational to know that we need to stick together no matter what.”

He avoided my eyes one more time and I finally snapped. I approached him, grabbed the collar of his jacket harshly, making him stumbled in his own feet. Anger boiled my blood as my body reacted without warning. My knuckles were white as the strength I put on my hold was too much for myself. Hongjoong’s eyes were wide open and his mouth partly opened startled, we never had an encounter like that before and me being aggressive was never on my mind, yet I couldn’t stand it anymore. 

Suddenly, I let Hongjoong’s jacket go and signed with pure wrath.

“I’m tired of your shit, Hongjoong. All I’m trying to do is help you with the trip and here you are, treating me like I was some kind of girl that is too scared to hear men talk. I’m tired of being left alone. You realized I wasn’t in the basement like a minute ago and don’t try to lie to me”, Hongjoong was perplexed trying to catch up with my fast movements. He raised his hands and I shook my head. “You thought I was inside the bedroom after I cooked your breakfast just because you’re so caught up with the fucking plan that you don’t understand how shitty I felt this week. I know you don’t trust me, but don’t hide value information when we are a fucking team, Hongjoong…”

 I was panting, the thumping of my heart almost scared me, was it that loud? Would the creatures listen to it? Hongjoong’s dumbfounded face was a poem, he just stood there looking right through me and I stood there, letting him. Two minutes later, he signed.

“This is the first time you said Hongjoong too many times instead of Joong, so… I assume I really upset you”, he pressed his hands on his temples, passed it through his hair and stepped closer to hug me tighter than ever. I didn’t return the gesture, not even when I really needed to hold him. When he noticed, he sighed one more time and let me go. 

“I’m so sorry… it’s just that San and I’ve been changing some things we already had planned before the incident with Misuk and we had to arrange things by putting you too much pressure, most of us are against the idea of lending you such demands when Seonghwa is as well going through it…”, his sad eyes showed how anxious he was, he cupped my face with his hands and caressed my cheeks. A ghost smile appeared on my face and made him grin in victory. 

“This is not the first time we’ve faced dead friends or family, Joong. I’m stronger than this, it just happened to bring back old bad memories, that’s all”, I signed and shrugged, not wanting to think about them after my seven hours sleep.

“That’s all…”, he signed in response. He pressed his lips together as he squeezed my shoulders and stepped back. His eyes looked around quickly with a bothered gaze. “What if we talked inside? It’s getting darker and I- we need you safe…”, Hongjoong grabbed the bag on the floor,opened the rooftop’s door for me and extended his hand for me to hold it. 

“Only if you agree to make some of that horrible tea for me before we go…”, I crossed my arms over my chest and stopped a meter away from him. The mullet boy’s grin fainted and he swallowed hard, that made me frowned. But before I could ask, he nodded with a smile, hold my hand and made me follow him to the basement. A cup of tea wasn’t going to stop me from demanding answers, not when I could tell that something was disturbing him; after all, we were ready to leave the place that day and nothing could stop us, at least nothing that I was aware of.

(...)   

Masterlist

[ineffectualdemon]

I've been managing to mostly stay on top of my depression but the first sign that I'm struggling is that food is mostly tasteless and I no longer get any enjoyment out of eating.

A cynic would say that should make me eat healthier because it doesn't matter what I eat if it's all tasteless and unappealing. But the truth is is if almost nothing has taste and nothing is appealing the effort you put in to eating healthy doesn't feel worth it.

In fact I find my self falling back on eating very salty things like crisps and instant ramen instead of real food because I can at least taste salt.

But if I don't force myself to choke down a sandwich or a snack bar or something I can and have gone an entire day without eating until my husband comes home and makes dinner or I have to make dinner for Kiddo.

Obviously this is not good.

I try to eat. Sometimes I sit on a stool in my kitchen for well over an hour trying to talk myself into eating actual food rather then having a handful of biscuits from the cupboard.

It's not that I particularly want the biscuits. I don't want any food. But I know the sugar boost will keep the hunger at bay and keep me from shaking too hard.

I try very hard not to fall into that trap though. That sort of apathy about my diet and relying on caffeine and sugar is why I spent a month at age 16 practically living on candy, mountain dew, and a special latte sold in my school that had 6 shots of espresso, 3 of chocolate and 3 of flavouring. I had two of those a day and drank only mountain dew in between.

Then we had a 3 day weekend and I went into severe enough caffeine withdrawal my mom had to take me to the doctor and I couldn't drink caffeine at all for over a year after that.

So I don't want to do that again because it really fucking sucked.

So I usually can manage to at least choke down a sandwich of some kind. But it is choking it down. Sometimes just the feel of food in my mouth is enough to make me feel sick.

But I eat.

I do try to eat at least semi healthy but my doctor told me that if eating instant ramen is what keeps me alive then I should go for the ramen.

Most days I eat a sandwich or if I have the energy and inclination I make up a load of beans and rice which gives me three meals and at least I can feel the spice that I add to it.

I wouldn't say I have a eating disorder. I don't calorie count or purge. It's not about feeling some control over at least something in my life.

But something isn't right.

Food shouldn't turn to ash in my mouth.

I shouldn't be so apathetic to my own bodily needs.

Eating shouldn't feel like a chore or a punishment.

I know it shouldn't.

I know I have a problem with food.

Because nothing but salt or spice can be felt while I'm eating (sugar used to and while I can taste it I'm 35 and can't stomach a load of it) I easily end up mindlessly eating a big full bag of crisps for lunch because at least the salt makes me feel something when I eat.

I just don't care enough. I don't have any desire for food. I don't have any inclination to eat properly. I can spend hours trying to convince myself to eat least eat the ingredients of a sandwich but I can't. Something stops me.

I don't know what to do about this but I do know my relationship to food and eating is incredibly unhealthy but I'm doing the best I can.

[alj4890]

Chapter 35 Reunited

The Royal Romance Fan Fiction (Liam x MC*Riley) (Maxwell x OC*Amanda) (Drake x Olivia) (Hana x Rashad)

These characters are from the amazing writers of Pixelberry's Choices stories: The Royal Romance and Red Carpet Diaries. The only character of my own is Duchess Amanda Bridgerton of House St Orella. 

Masterlist The Other Friend TRR

Chapter 35 summary: Drake, Maxwell, and Riley go to see Savannah. Amanda is giving interviews with Thomas in the Four Seasons George V hotel in Paris.

Chapter 35

Amanda groaned when her alarm clock went off at 6am. She started to get up when Maxwell pulled her back down. "You know you would rather stay here with me," he mumbled against her neck.

She groaned again. "You have no idea how badly I want to. I promised Thomas and I have to go to some of those meetings with Liam."

She swung her legs over the bed and was yanked back. "Maxwell!"

He grinned. "15 more minutes. Then I will atrempt to let you get up." Amanda laughed and got back under the covers.

An hour later she was on her way to the Four Seasons. Thomas was waiting in the lobby for her. A small smile appeared when he saw her. He gave her a quick hug. "Excellent. I have printed out an itinerary for the next few days. If I need to change some times for your courtly duties, then do not hesitate to let me know."

Amanda looked at the list and felt her heart sink. Both day and night had interviews scheduled. This along with her other obligations meant that she would not have much time with Maxwell in Paris. So much for romance.

Thomas studied her face. "Something's wrong. You aren't pleased with the schedule."

"No. It's fine. I understand we need do do this. I noticed I won't have a lot of free time this week. I was hoping to take advantage of the City of Love with my husband. That's all."

Thomas stood there a moment. "Ah. Well, we will see if we can move things around. We will come up with some idea. Now, come with me. We have the first interview in my suite."

Drake, Maxwell, and Riley were standing outside of Savannah's apartment close to noon. Drake hesistated knocking.

"What if she is mad I'm here? If she wanted to talk to me, then she would have contacted me sooner, right?"

"Drake, from what you have shared about Savannah, I don't believe she will be angry. I think she must have had a reason for the silence." Riley waited to see if he would knock. When he did not move, she decided to take action.

Riley moved in front of him and knocked. Drake and Maxwell stood nervously behind her.

Savannah opened the door. Her mouth dropped open when she saw Drake. "Oh my...Drake? Drake!!!" She wrapped him in a hug, tears falling down her face. "I've missed you so much!"

Drake held on to her, overwhelmed with seeing her again. He had finally found her. "Savannah. You have no idea how much I have missed you. I--" A cry interrupted him.

"Hold on sweetie!" Savannah pulled on Drake's hand and grabbed Maxwell's. "Please, come in. All of you." She ran into the bedroom. Riley, Drake, and Maxwell stood in the small living room.

When Savannah came out with a small bundle in her arms, introductions were made. She smiled a timid smile at them. "I think it is time to tell you what happened."

Drake shook his head. "You don't have to. We found out through Bastien's investigation what basically happened. I just wish you had told me. I would have helped you."

Savannah's eyes were filled with remorse. I'm so sorry. Bertrand told me that this...that getting pregnant was my fault. He told me I would ruin your life in Cordonia if I told you. I didn't want you punished for my actions. Everyday, I would pick up the phone to call you, but I knew if I did, you would leave for me. I could not let you be ostracized because of me."

Drake was so angry. Bertrand had so much to answer for. He wanted to beat him into the ground. He looked over at Maxwell. He had his eyes on the baby, sadness etched in the tense lines of his face. Maxwell turned to Savannah. "I wish you would have told us. There is no way I would have let you believe my brother's words."

Savannah glanced down at the baby. "Maxwell, your brother is a duke. His words carry more weight. I...had to do what I could to protect those I love."

"Liam would have helped you." Riley said.

Savannah shook her head, "I did not want the infamy of causing a court scandal. I know I made a decision that hurt everyone. I did not see a way of not causing hurt to someone. I had to protect this innocent one. I had to protect you, Drake. You spent your life looking out for me. I wanted to do the same for you."

Drake sighed. "Savannah you are the only family I have left, well other than this little guy. We could have found a way. We still can find a way."

Savannah gently rocked the baby. "What do you mean?"

Maxwell sat forward. "We want you to come back to Cordonia. Bertrand is not the only Beaumont who's a duke now. Since I married Amanda, we have both power and influence. You have the King and Queen of Cordonia on your side also. Bertrand would be a bigger fool than he already is to try and defy all of us."

Drake nodded. "You also have Olivia's backing. So that's another powerful noble. Everyone loved you, Vanna. Many of the nobles will support you. Bertrand's actions recently have pissed a lot of them off. I don't think there will be many who would stand with him."

Riley nodded. "They are right. Please think of returning. We all want to be there for you and little Bartie. You will always be welcomed at court and I dare anyone to say differently!"

Drake chuckled. "As you can tell, Riley has a bit of a temper when she thinks someone is being bullied."

Savannah sat there thinking of everything. "I need some time to think about my decision. I want to believe you. I need to think about if I'm ready to face Bertrand and if he should be a part of Bartie's life."

Maxwell swallowed and looked at his little nephew. "Do you...do you want me to stay out of his life until you decide?"

Savannah reached for his hand. "Not at all! I expect you and Drake to fight over who is going to be the favorite uncle. Maxwell, you are nothing like your brother. You are a man I would want my son to be like, minus some of the crazy shenanigans."

He grinned. "Do I get to hold him?" Savannah placed him in Maxwell's arms. Riley snapped a picture with her phone. After a few moments Drake held him. His heart swelled when he saw that Bartie had the Walker chocolate brown eyes. "Vanna, he is perfect." Riley snapped another picture, catching him off guard.

Savannah smiled with pride. "He is the best thing to ever happen to me." They sat and visited for another hour. Drake made plans to come back the next day. Maxwell promised to find time to come back and hopefully bring Amanda with him. Riley hugged her goodbye, making her promise to call her if she needed anything.

On their way back to the train, Drake was relieved and excited. "Do you think she will come back home?"

Riley smiled, "I believe there is a very good chance."

"Thanks for going with us, Riley." Drake said.

"Anytime gentlemen, anytime. You both have been there for me. It's what friends do."

Maxwell's phone vibrated with a message. It was from an unknown number. When he opened it, he was shocked. There were pictures of Amanda. Some of them were from her time in California, a few months ago. Some had been snapped today. The ones in California were of her and Matt Rodriguez. It was the pictures of them on the beach, kissing. This was what Drake had been talking about during truth or dare. These pictures were more in focus.

He could see her bathing suit clearly and Matt wrapped around her. He could make out the towel's color and pattern they were laying on. There was a question written on the picture. "Was this the only time?" The pictures taken today showed her and Matt sitting at a table on a balcony with Thomas, Ryan, and some other Hollywood people.

The closeup of her and Matt showed them looking at each other. He was leaning toward her smiling and she was laughing. There was another question written on it. "Was this planned or an accident?" At the end of the message, it showed a copy of a hotel reservation. Amanda had booked the Royal Suite at the Four Seasons for the week. One more question for him was attached. "What does she need a hotel suite for?"

Maxwell swallowed hard. His hand gripped his phone. It was hard enough knowing she had been kissed by both Matt and Ryan while in California, but to actually see it was worse than he thought. They had not been together during that kiss, but it still felt like a punch in the gut. Questions were swirling through his mind. What was Matt doing in Paris? He was not a part of Thomas Hunt's movie. Why did she book a suite? Why did she not tell him about the suite?

"Maxwell? Are you okay?"

He looked up at Riley and Drake. "I'm fine."

Their limo pulled up to the train. Riley smiled at the two of them. "Don't forget about tonight's ball. It will be at the Four Seasons. We will have such beautiful views of the Eiffel Tower and the Arc De Triomphe. I can't wait!"

"Did you plan this?" Drake asked her.

"No, Madeleine did. She wanted to since her house did not host the court during the social season. I know I am supposed to meet her mother this evening too. Hopefully that will go smoothly." With a wave Riley left to get ready.

Maxwell was looking at the pictures again. Drake glanced over at his phone. His eyes widened. "Maxwell? Where did you get those."

He shrugged. "It is from an unknown number."

Drake looked at the last one. "Was that taken today?" Maxwell nodded. Drake looked panicked. "Someone's following Amanda!"

Maxwell's head jerked up. He had not thought of that. Guilt hit him hard. That should have been his first thought, instead of jealousy. "Why would anyone follow her?"

Drake looked at him. "Probably the same reason why anyone would send those pictures of her to you: To cause trouble." He scrolled through all the images and stopped at the hotel receipt. "Did you know she was getting a room there?"

"No."

Drake studied him a minute. "You don't actually believe she is cheating on you with Matt or any of these movie guys?"

Maxwell shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "I don't think she is cheating. I guess sometimes it's hard to believe she did not choose one of them."

Drake put a hand on his shoulder. "She chose you out of everyone. She's been in love with you for years. Don't let whoever sent this win. Don't doubt her."

Maxwell nodded. His phone beeped with another message. He reluctantly opened it up. It was from Amanda.

"I'm running behind. I have another interview to do. I will meet you at the ball. Oh and I have a surprise for you! 💋💓U!"

Drake read it over his shoulder. "See, the suite has to be the surprise. You need to tell her that someone is following her when you see her. Text her back that you can't wait or what ever you would normally."

Maxwell sighed and went to get ready. He did not know what was going on. Why would someone want to cause doubt in their marriage? What could they possibly gain? Who was doing this?

@fullbeaumonty @darley1101 @cocomaxley @katurrade @krsnlove @hopefulmoonobject @annekebbphotography @mynameiskaylabella @umccall71 @museofbooks

[kpopgurlz]

Planning a wedding

AOMG reaction to wedding planning with you.

Jay park

Jay makes you feel like a princess during the planning of your wedding. Nothing is too much, and he tells you to ball out. However , getting hit to actually help you in planning anything is a difficult task. He never seems to have any input when you ask him things and it makes you second guess getting married.

Jay: to be honest I don't care about the materialistic parts of this wedding, so don't ask me my opinion. I'm just ready to get married, have a butt load of kids with you, and grow old together.

Simon D

Simon is way to into the planning process of our wedding. He spends hours on the phone with your mom making sure both cultures are Incorporated in the ceremony. You often have to pull him aside to make him take a break but you admire how hard he is trying to make this work for both your families.

Y/N:we should just elope.

Simon looks at you like he's about to flip out.

Simon: never speak those words from your mouth again.

Y/N: OK, claim down.

LOCO

Loco and you are basically free sprites and you don't let planning a wedding stress you out. You know that eloping would piss both of your families of but both of you decide that this is you guys marriage and you would prefer to do things your own what. You only spend a week being engaged before you have a courthouse wedding.

Loco: you know all hell is going to rain down on us once they find out we got married.

Y/N: there's no one in the world I would rather face their wrath with than you.

Gray

You're a business women so you handle everything rationally and you do your best not to let planning a wedding stress you out, but one day gray comes come and finds you on the floor crying with empty bottles of wine scattered around you. You look up at him sniffling

Y/N: why are there so many different shades of purple?!!

Gray: that's it we're going to Vegas getting married and if anyone has a problem with it fuck em.

You look up at him.

Y/N: thank you.

Cha cha Malone

You and Malone love each other unconditionally but your families can't seem to stand each other. Every time you try to sit down to talk about the wedding with them you're mothers go at each other. This causes the two of you to call off the wedding and you two break up, but in the end your families come together to get you back together.

Malone: don't ever leave me again.

Y/N: I won't leave if you don't.

Woo won jae

Your a southern bell with older twin brothers and a strict father that don't hide the fact that they aren't ready for you to take such a big step in life. So when your father says he wants to take woo on a hunting trip to bond, you tell woo that he has to go if he wants to get in good with your family.

Woo: your dad and brothers are trying to kill me.

You laugh.

Y/N: WHAT are you talking about.

Woo: I'm not sure which one of your brothers it was but they were trying to shoot me the entire hunting trip.

Y/N: you sound crazy right now bae.

Woo shows you a graze mark on his arm and you can tell it came from a bullet. You grab woods hand and rush down stairs to confront your brothers and father about it and all of them look guilt.

Y/N: APOLOGIZE TO HIM RIGHT NOW!!! AND IF ONE MORE THING GOES WRONG YOU WONT UNDERSTAND THE HELL I WILL RAIN DOWN ON ALL OF YOU!!

Your father and brothers apologize to woo, and your brothers warn him about marrying the craziest person in the family. Then your brothers fight over who gets to throw woo a bachelor party.

Elo

Neither you or elo know the first thing about planning a wedding so you both give your parents a budget and turn them lose. The wedding is an absolute mess but it makes you both laugh. And because there was no stress involved in putting everything together the two of you got that time doing dirty things to each other. And at your wedding you announce that you're pregnant.

Elo: this beautiful women beside me just keeps making me the luckiest man in the world. WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!

Ugly Duck

You're the second oldest of six girls and once you tell your family that you're getting married they all fly to Korea to help you plan the wedding. Your older sister is the only one with children(all girls) and you and ugly duck spend a lot of time with them when you're not planing the wedding. One night after having a huge discussion/ argument about the wedding with your family and ugly Ducks family your dad pulls ugly duck aside to have a heart to heart.

Dad: so you want to marry my little girl huh?

Ugly Duck: yes sir, I love her with all my heart, and I hope one day to have a marriage as strong as you and your wife.

Dad: that's easier sad than done son... I've spent the last 35 years surrounded by nothing but women. So having a son is a great relief. Call me when you need help with your house full of women.

Ugly Duck looks at your father confused.

Ugly Duck: sir?

Your brother in law walks out of the house to where your father and ugly duck are with a Cuban cigar in his mouth.

Bro in law: you got matches dad?

Dad: always.

Bro in law: get ready for a life full of that.

Your brother in law points to the noise happening in the house.

Ugly Duck: what?

Bro in law: tell him dad.

Dad: you're marrying into a long generation of girls on both sides. I was the only male born into my family for the past six generation.

Ugly Duck takes the cigar out of your brother in laws mouth and puffs heavy.