#benji i think you would be a very successful writer if you got past your neves and self-consciousness!

[serandipity]

✦

positivity time! Send me a sparkle and I'll prattle on some nice things about you!

We go over constantly about how I love your writing Benji, but sometimes I think you think I am just doing it for laughs and am not completely serious about how much I love your writing.

I say this with full sincerity: you are way too hard on yourself. And I mean that. You are a great writer and role-player. Anyone would be lucky to know you, I'm just glad I got to be the one to be your favorite.

You are great at world building, and you are great at giving your characters distinct voices and unique takes even if you might not know the complete in and out of a character. You're also incredibly sweet. You have humored so many of my bullshit ideas and picked up characters you would not otherwise have all at my behest. I don't think you realize what a kind and sweet gesture that is on its own? So I have the joy of role-playing with you and its a joy I would not trade for everything.

You are also a diligent writer. Even if you don't believe it. You are always really concerned with making sure people don't feel slighted or dropped so you constantly want to make sure you're replying in a timely manner, you say you don't do enough but I think even if you aren't dumping out 20 million replies in a day-- you're still far more diligent than like a good chunk of rpers I come across. This is no tea no shade, but with the amount of people you role-play with this is not easy feat.

You are a joy and an honor to write with and know and I think you should acknowledge that you are a real diamond of an rp partner (:

[herobrize]

A WRONG MATHEMATICAL CALCULATION

- Did you finally read the Communist Manifesto in quarantine? - Arthur wanted to know the instant James sat at the table with the orders of both in hand, they were in a cafeteria at the back of a gallery in the shopping center of the town, James thought of taking him to another place, more reserved, but they used to attending that place when they were in the theater course and for their happiness, no one had noticed the singer there, maybe it was because he had dyed his hair, losing his famous blond tone at the beginning of his personality crisis.

- Are you still trying to be a communist? - He laughed at the attempt to escape the subject of the ex-blond, and James laughed because Arthur laughed. The huge guy sitting in front of him, was not just part of a past that he thought he would never revisit, he was James Benji, a big name in the music industry and who was going through a difficult time in his career, it was funny how he he had no strength to fight and find a solution even though everyone around him said that what happened was not exactly bad, because well, it did not change anything at all, however he could use that moment to get away a little without being charged by everyone the sides, and when he saw it, he was already returning to his old city, where his best friend was still living, the problem was, were they still friends?

- No, I am a socialist, anyway you would not accept the ideas of this movement, - Arthur said, tasting his sweet pie, James mentally agreed without waiting for the sentence to resolve, he trusted the intelligence and observation of the other more than anyone. - it is impossible to have a balance in the financial interests of the artist with the record company nowadays that everyone consumes music in the most intense way possible, sometimes I think we want to fill our void so much that for that we have to destroy who we put as idols, like Jesus Christ, you know.

- I don't know about that part, but the rest I agree, something happened, I think you don't know, you were never very attached to that kind of way of producing music ...

- I was never connected to industrialized music, it's different, but tell me, what happened?

- A guy bought the record company where I work, and with that, he managed to have the copyright in all my songs and other singers too, everyone knew that this contract was going on, but we never really knew who was interested.

- So, before this guy, the copyright of your songs belonged to the record company?

- Yes, I can have my name strong in the market, but that doesn't change a contract signed at the age of twenty, I didn't want to think about it now, but ... I have two options, I stay at the label and see the money made with my art ending up in the hands of shit or going out and looking for another record label, the problem is how it can tarnish my image if done the wrong way.

- But James, it is obvious that you should leave if all this is affecting you so much, it must be that your defense instinct that is making you hesitate like that. To put it bluntly, he thought: Have you always been like this or have you become like that because of the books you write? Thinking about it, reminded him of the pact they made when they were in the early years of college, What if we had never done that? Had our relationship not been for the sentimental lands and had been established only in the seas of pleasure? Where would they have gone? Why am I sure we would still be together?

- I am going out, I just need some time, I need to do this without having to leave everything. - replied, totally defensive, devoured the rest of his pie and asked for one more. - Aren't you happy to see me?

- Of course I'm happy to see you again, even if the reason isn't exactly missing me. - Arthur commented in a lighter tone, it seemed that the boy had some kind of access to a range of different personalities, which he entered without effort.

- I wish I had come before, but things never worked out as I wanted, but I also invited you several times and you didn't go. - James said without realizing he was crossing his arms.

- Unfortunately Rio is a bit against me, at most I will go to São Paulo to participate in a lecture or interview about my books. - Arthur explained, drinking his tea.

Did James want to punch himself, the second or third time he had treated that conversation like a sea battle? This is not going well. And he had to admit, even if his pride hurt, that his temper was linked to freshly refreshed memories of his old life, a kaleidoscope of memories, mixing moments where he laughed, moments where he got angry, a big part of his life was linked to the boy in front of him, he introduced him to his relatives, to his colleagues, put him on his way and took it out too, now he was thinking and thinking.

- I wanted you to come back with me, - he finally revealed the real reason for the meeting. Arthur's dark eyes lifted to meet theirs, his lips parted in that surprised expression. - I need someone with me, at least for a few days.

E X P E C T A N C Y

- So, am I really the reason for your visit ...? - he dared to ask.

- Of course, Arthur, I didn't come to just vent, I always do this with my manager, I miss a friend in my life.

The others' hands ran down the polished wooden table to find his, the fingers joined in a pleasant grip, when was the last time something simple like that left him so moved?

- Arthur and James against the world, as in the old days of theater? - he asked.

- Just like in the old days of theater, only this time it will be in Rio.

- It will be really interesting, I'm annoyed that you took so long to touch, but at least it happened ...

- So, are you up?

- I need to review some things first, I'm living on rent, I need to notify the owner of the house and ...

James' thoughts were a soup of unresolved feelings that bubbled with a positive response. How ridiculous to have forgotten how Arthur made him feel, if he cursed himself for not making the proposal at that time, he would be somewhere else, producing a completely different but safe song, because he knew that if Arthur were with him, he would never have signed that contract , and if I had, I would face that moment of personal crisis knowing that I would be under the support of those who truly love. Was James happy? Would it have made Arthur happy? All these years they were separated because of a succession of idiotic fights, which I combined in a divergence of ideas to perform a horror play, enough for both of them to give up the theater and then to go after their own dreams, which was good, one became a singer, the other became a writer, two little plants that didn't share the same piece of land, grew far, far away, and now, playing luck, they were back around each other. But in the end, James had never done anything good for Arthur, now would be his chance.

"I died of missing you," he revealed, more easily. - I think I even got sick.

- But passed. - remembered Arthur.

- Not the way I wanted to.

- You should have called me, if you knew ... I would fix it.

- These years have been difficult, I think this change in my life had not happened, maybe I would still be alienated.

- What do you want to do? When I return to Rio.

- I want a simple year, to get away from them, the media, the networks, and I want to be accompanied in this.

- Yeah, it looks like a good plan. - A familiar smile appeared, small and sweet, of the boy crazy about books and tea.

R E A L I T Y

- So, am I really the reason for your visit ...?

- Of course, Arthur, I didn't come to just vent, I always do this with my manager, I miss a friend in my life.

Arthur settled himself in his chair, a little uncomfortable, James didn't understand how his request could cause such a reaction.

- I can’t do it. - he said clearly and directly.

- Why not?

If he could read his mind, he would discover that not all of those years were good for Arthur, in fact, they were the most difficult years, at the encouragement of colleagues in the group, Arthur confused his love for James, a feeling connected to the strong friendship that arose when they met on the theater course, with an unbridled passion, separating one thing from the other hurt him too much, especially when he saw James leaving the bonds that bound him in the city to go after his dream of living on music so easily, James never saw him as a suitor, never loved him as a passionate boy, however there was a time, the most confusing of all, that they started sleeping together when the rehearsals of the plays got more intense, and those nights, their bodies attracted, however so far, nothing much, Arthur had already had sex with other friends, James too, the more he did the exercise of separating events from the expectations his feelings created, the more pain he felt.

It was not a surprise when James used the one thing that bothered him about the scapegoat, to let him down without reason to feel guilty. How was it possible for them to be able to take anything further if Arthur demanded his presence at rehearsals even though he knew how difficult it was to get time off at work, when Arthur tried to defend his side, James was silent, and the more he tried to argue that the play would never would be ready in the expected time of the presentation with that attitude, cooler and dissatisfied James would be. However, to leave the city and appear with music blaring both on the internet and on the radio, his service as a waiter in the city's most chic restaurant has become a dust, instead of the huge stone in his path. Arthur suffered, of course, it was a hard blow, at first he was in limbo that consumed him for months, sometimes he spent hours trying to analyze several details in the dynamics that the friendship had looking for some sign, this obsession was decreasing as the boy wrote, on paper he wrote long paragraphs like those Jews who dedicate their lives to analyze a single passage of the Talmud, after of a year, the beginning of an improvement came, he discovered that he was good at writing, tried to create short stories about the day-to-day in the small town and posted them on a website, then some praise and criticism made him reflect on a new possibility: what if he was a writer?

- Outside of here, you would gain more prominence, more readers. - James started to argue. - You know that if I asked, my fans would buy your books like water.

Arthur nodded.

- It's true, but if you don't know, seeking fame has ceased to be a goal for me years ago.

A silence came over the table.

"To tell you the truth, I don't know what to do," the singer admitted with difficulty. - I always had this idea in my head that if everything went bad, I could find an answer in you.

- Do you still see me as an enhanced version of your ex-boyfriends?

- No, of course not.

- I think you do, I remember that it scared you to see how they gave up trying to exalt you, you never realized that they wanted a reciprocity in that? I think I was so happy to meet someone, aesthetically handsome like you and with the same tastes of mine that I put you as a priority until this was untenable.

Arthur felt bad for having chosen those words, they sounded too artificial, but what to use in place of "aesthetically beautiful" when in fact he was surprised to receive attention from a boy who attracted so many looks?

- I'm sorry if I didn't want to date you, it wasn't about that at the time, I didn't want you that way, the way you wanted to.

- I think it was a mistake to come and meet you. - he concluded. - I haven't thought about the theater in years.

It is likely that he will not return, he reflected. If you come back, you won't be looking for me again. But for him, the pain of ending what never existed was nothing compared to the pain I used to feel when I was beside him, with or without his hand in hand, with or without kisses, with or without his smell, with or without your thick voice speaking or singing. Arthur brought him kindness as a gift, and it was not enough to keep him, now that gift was part of him, only him and not whoever wanted it. Really, he thought as he managed to call the woman and ask for the bill, really, people accept the love they think they deserve. The woman came and he asked for the bill, she asked for a moment and left them alone again.

- Well, if I understand your problem, you really should leave this label, people like you always find a good offer, if it doesn't appear, look for one, it's not difficult. - advised him.

- It seems so obvious. - he said, and thought about it a bit, looking for an offer, feeling a little stupid, he thought Arthur would hold his hand, but he just took out his cell phone to check the time, did he have any appointments? - It seems so difficult now, to do something without being sure that it will not be taken from me. - there were tears in his eyes, they started to flow slowly, he wiped them with the palm of his hands.

- We are artists, James, we live in painful and incredible situations, but you were always afraid of being an artist, you will know that this is your problem.

James sincerely agreed.

- I made you hate me with no chance of returning, right?

- You let me love you in a way that I will never be able to feel it for anyone else, but I don't think I hate you for it.

- Can I try to fix this? - he asked in one last attempt. - I'm already here, it's the most I have to offer.

- I'm fine. - Arthur said firmly not to cry, because in the end he had given the answers James was looking for.

END.