#benefits of being my friend: you get this shit sent to u in a dm at fuck all in the morning

[squidshadow]

mmmmm okay its still real language hours, soo,

(this got long. under the cut for u)

[[MORE]]

modocts sound library is pretty limited and its made that way by design, i dont use the full alphabet since the ones i dropped can just be replaced w other letters pretty easily? (w the exception of l and r as my very limited basis for modink is still using sounds in japanese)

i think its still possible for me to make it tonal? it might make sense w the librarys size and all. and splat is generally music based (for some reason, music squids? im not complaining) ig although id like to make inkling like that as well. but then theres the issue of tonal languages being very. like... alien to me. just bc im a native english speaker who has never encountered one before, but i do think theyre very fascinating. to people who actually do speak tonal languages im sure i just sound stupid skjehsje but...!!!! still

then theres the issue of transcribing it? i dont want numbers in text, thatd be dumb. i could use accents maybe, but isnt that more stress than anything else? maybe periods or something at the start of a sentence, but thats just fucking ugly. and modoct is made to be a read language rather than spoken bc u know. its for a fic series. and now that i write it out it sounds very dumb.

if i do make it tonal id have to rework a loooot of the grammar i have done now. verb negation would prob be dropped as well in favour of some funky tones or w/e. i might make inkling tonal + more melodic since i failed to do that w modoct. modoct sounds a little rougher than inkling despite its sound library. i think ive been using 'ts' too much, but i cant....help it. its a fun noise. i like her.

melodic tonal inkling w lots of 'r/l' (id write it as an 'l', but its an aveolar tap) maybe some 'f's, 'm' and 'n'? 't' and the occasional 's' or smth. i like the current double vowel thing w modoct and i can transfer that to inkling ('aa,' for example, is not pronounced like a heavily stressed 'a' or a held-out 'a,' but rather 'ah-ah', so 'laasov' would be 'lah-ahs-ov' w 3 syllables, 'ah' as in arm, 'o' as in 'on', but take my pronunciations w a grain of salt bc i have vague traces of a long island accent / trans: i dunno) but at the same time im not quite sure..? i think the double vowel thing (and 'ts') is sort of modocts thing. maybe vowel length indicates tone..? but shit like 'faasoluuv' (or, god forbid, 'faaasoluuv') looks ugly as balls. i want these to look nice goddammit!!!

i could use accents? or... what the hell are they called, dipthongs? diphtongs..? smth like that. i dont have spellcheck on my phone bc i turned it off, eat shit, samsung. like the diff between 'o' and 'ö' is pitch, right? im not too familiar w ipa sounds unfortunately although im trying to learn.

i could also just. drop the tonal thing. BUT ITS COOL ALSO but also also im a dumb lil idiot uwu and words are hard. itd be such a fucking pain for me to speak but thats ok bc its written! something like that kwhzhehs...

im just kinda saying shit. dont mind me..!!

[lhmoonbin]

HELL O FRIENDS !!! IM SO EXCITED THIS IS FINALLY OPENING WOWOWOW Ok so hey hehe my name is fox (she/her), i’m 21 and in the gmt-3 timezone (so it’s likely i’ll be on here when most of you are asleep.... rip) and this is my baby seok moonbin!!! for starters, i’ll already tell you that he’s a very broke 23-year-old artsy boy who just wants to live his own life lmaooo you can find his detailed background and everything HERE, and his stats HERE, while under the cut i’ll basically sum everything up if you’re also like me and have the attention span of a fruit fly :> anygay i’ll also leave some possible connections here and !! that’s it?? HFJDSHFS pls like this if you want to plot and i’ll slide in ur dms k thx BYE

tw: mentions of underage alcohol and drug use, violence, anxiety/depression

background !!

moonbin was born in may 16th 2003 in busan so he’s 23 and a taurus baby <3

his birth was long awaited by his parents since they had been trying for a while, and a year after he was born they also had another boy

they moved to seoul when the two were still kids bc of his father being promoted

moony’s brother, jaesung, was always his best friend. they did everything together, played together, went to school together (their mom even sent them into school at the same time for their sake, so moonbin got into school 1 year late)

still, they had their differences, what with likes and dislikes, mostly bc jaesung was always more studious and straight to the point when moonbin was more imaginative, creative, easily distracted and loved everything that had to do with art

their parents disapproved of moonbin’s choices, since they wanted both of their sons to get jobs that could take them all kinds of places

everything stayed pretty much the same until they got into high school, where they were finally separated into different classrooms and jaesung’s behavior started changing bc of the people he started hanging out with, what one would call “the wrong crowd”; alcohol, drugs and too late night outs became something normal to him

it was pretty obvious that moonbin was left behind by his own brother, and he had to find his own friends, which were much more inviting towards him

jaesung started acting cold to moonbin even at their own home, and it didn’t stop there. as their high school years passed by, moonbin graduated and had to start working right away to be able to save enough money for college; his parents had way too much on their shoulders, since jaesung was suffering from anxiety and depression and had no intention of fixing that, only digging himsel deeper into the mess he was in and getting held back a few years in school

eventually, jaesung got so lost within himself that he ended up getting locked up after attacking both a random guy at a party and the officer who came over to separate them, and in his drunken state only made things worse for himself. that assured him more than ten years in prison, with a fee high enough to make his parents unsure if it was really possible to get him out

this happened when moonbin had just been accepted into college, and while the natural thing for him would be to just stay and help his parents out during such tough times, moonbin got easily affected by his friends and other people’s comments all the time, about his brother and how jaesung was in jail and simply associating moonbin to the person his brother was. it seemed so much easier to just go away and pretend like the life he lived up until he got into college didn’t exist, so that’s exactly what he did

if you ask him, moonbin will either deny he actually has a brother or disgard the family topic as a whole; he likes to think he’s detached himself from the reality he used to live in, so dependent of someone who so easily forgot about him

personality + extras !!

moonbin has always been very cheery and friendly, but before it was in a way more muted way than nowadays, since he doesn’t feel like he depends on anyone else to be around a crowd of people anymore

he always tries to make friends w everyone and likes to feel included when people remember him and such :>

at a party, moonbin is the kind of friend that everyone thinks is drunk when in reality he’s the only sober one lmao he rly only likes wine,, sometimes

moonbin is REALLY sensitive when it comes to things that dont concern his own personal emotions only. like for example.. he might cry during an argument about food or during any kind of movie lol maybe even in the middle of singing songs

very imaginative, often times has his head up in the clouds lmao also can be caught anywhere sketching in his little trusty journal, but he prefers painting over drawing anyway

another place he’s seen in is etude house, where he part-times and despite popular opinion, he actually thinks the pink uniform fits him quite well

ALSO he busks sometimes wherever ppl will have him !! he’s quite confident in his singing voice as well as his drawing/painting skills so thankfully he can also make a little bit of money from that (if u havent noticed, he’s broke)

PLS LOVE HIM HES MY BABY

wanted connections !!

ppl that study with him, study partners, someone that is tutoring him with a subject he cant quite focus in?? he’s not that studious lmao

a best friend??? someone who understands him and is able to crack him easily? he’s not very open to others about emotions and such, so it’d be nice to have that

he’s from seoul, so .. people who knew him back then? so like. high school friends, exes, enemies, all of that good shit

one sided crushes?? from him or on him, doesnt matter. maybe ur muse keeps visiting etude house only to swoon over moonbin dressed in pink.,, or he justs looks up to your muse and calls it a crush even if he knows it’s probably nothing too much

some deeper platonic relationships...

hook ups!! friends w benefits !!! all the romantic plots!!!

someone pls pls PLS give this boy a muse !!!!! doesn’t even have to be romantic but just like. maybe he saw your muse around one day and thought ‘OH shit wtf whos that person who’s suddenly given me an inspiration boost’ and proceeds to want to draw them at all times.. maybe even asks them to paint / draw them in person <3 could lead to more or not

idk maybe some enemies?? or ppl who dont like him? he doesnt rly drink or do any kinds of drugs (he’s traumatized by his brother) so idk maybe ur muse is rly into that stuff and got into an argument w moonbin about how he should live a little??? and moonbin got mad?? idk lmao

someone who’s seen moonbin busking a few times and just cant get enough of his voice.. his first “fan” :)

overall, just give my baby some friends pls <3

[ezragold]

With a Little Help from My Friends

A/N: Happy last-day-of-Pegoryu-week! Let’s celebrate by reading... day 2′s prompt... No one ever said I was good at preparing things, okay. AO3 link: [here]

Day 2: First Date

Title: With a Little Help from My Friends

Rating: Teen

Summary: Ryuji has successfully asked Akira out! Now if only he could figure out something special for them to do. All of his ideas just feel like their every day routine, and he’s pulling his hair out trying to come up with a way to make it special. All of the thieves seem to have their own ideas of the perfect date, 90% of which are entirely unhelpful, as Ryuji soon realizes.

[ THURSDAY, 6:50PM ]

crossbonez is online

crossbonez has entered The Dungeon of Unspeakable Acts

crossbonez: GUYS I NEED HELP

crossbonez: ALSO WTF WHO CHANGED THE CHANNEL NAME

palette-cleanser: There’s no need to yell about it.

crossbonez: YOU CAN’T HEAR ME SMARTASS

killerqueen: Futaba renamed it and I can’t figure out how to change it back. What’s wrong?

memejed: me! muahaha!!!! you’ll never figure out how to change it back!

memejed: boo makoto types too fast :(

palette-cleanser: Futaba, naturally.

palette-cleanser: Oh.

memejed: lmaooooo

crossbonez: ok ok is akira in this chat??

yougimmethecrepes: I mean technically

yougimmethecrepes: but I think he’s had this channel muted for like a month

killerqueen: Understandable.

crossbonez: o sick

crossbonez: OK SO I ASKED HIM OUT AND I NEED ADVICE

yougimmethecrepes: OMG RYUJI

memejed: GHIDNDOSKFHSKX WHAAAAT

killerqueen: !

yougimmethecrepes: DID HE SAY YES??

palette-cleanser: My most heartfelt congratulations!

crossbonez: of course he said yes wtf guys

crossbonez: why wouldn’t he, i’m a catch

memejed: so’s a big ol slimy fish

memejed: its perspective

crossbonez: can we ban her?

killerqueen: She’s the room admin.

memejed: IM ADMIN MY CITY NOW

memejed: HECK how do u type so much faster than me????

crossbonez: OH MY GOD CAN WE FOCUS ON ME PLEASE

palette-cleanser: something tells me you wouldn’t allow us the chance to do anything different.

yougimmethecrepes: go ahead Ryuji, what’s up?

crossbonez: i didn’t think about what we should do on the date so i kinda panicked when he asked and told him i had everything taken care of but i don’t

crossbonez: ive never taken care of anything in my life

crossbonez: please help yall know im not smart

yougimmethecrepes: omg THAT’S what ur worried about??? HOE ur best friend is a dating expert. I gotchu

crossbonez: lmfao ann youve never been on a date

yougimmethecrepes: maybe not

yougimmethecrepes: but i have seen so many romcoms

crossbonez: oooooo my god Kill me

crossbonez: wait holy shit have any of you even been on a date before

crossbonez: NOW YOU ALL STOP TYPING

crossbonez: this is the worst i hate my life

yougimmethecrepes: yusuke if you say anything about painting my nude as a date i’ll block you

palette-cleanser: There was that time when Ann came to the old studio in order for me to paint her portrait.

palette-cleanser: It was already half-written when you sent that.

yougimmethecrepes: OHHH MY GOD

palette-cleanser: I didn’t want to just let the reply go to waste.

yougimmethecrepes: BLOCKED

palette-cleanser: :(

killerqueen: Okay.

killerqueen: I’ll DM you, Ryuji.

crossbonez: oh thank god

[ THURSDAY, 7:04 PM ]  

[ killerqueen has sent you a message! ]

killerqueen: Firstly,

killerqueen: good for you, asking out Akira! That was really brave. How did it go, if that’s not too intrusive?

crossbonez: fine I think?? morgana kept cockblocking me but he got bored of watching us watch bad movies and left so

crossbonez: i just kinda

crossbonez: asked

crossbonez: and he said yeah

crossbonez: so now im dead and going thru w the date is my hell

killerqueen: Okay, relax. Obviously he wouldn’t have said yes to the date if he wasn’t already interested, so you already have that going for you! The worst part is done.

killerqueen: All you have to do now is think of something special for the two of you to do together.

crossbonez: yeah that’s basically the part where my brain stops

killerqueen: Fair. What’s your budget?

crossbonez: uhhhhhh

crossbonez: uhhhhhhhhhhh

killerqueen: Ryuji.

crossbonez: is free an option

killerqueen: Oh, god. Okay.

killerqueen: I didn’t realize you hadn’t planned for this in… any capacity.

crossbonez: OF COURSE I HAVENT ITS LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME

crossbonez: I DIDNT THINK OF THE MONEY THING OK

crossbonez: I WAS SORT OF FOCUSED ON NOT THROWING UP ON HIM AS I ASKED

killerqueen: Message received.

killerqueen: I’ll see if there’s anything cheap going on in the city this weekend.

crossbonez: thank you ugh

crossbonez: was this a bad idea

killerqueen: Asking out Akira? No, of course not.

crossbonez: sigh

killerqueen: Lying to Akira about having the entire thing prepared and planned out? Yes, without a doubt.

crossbonez: COOL THANKS MOM 

crossbonez: GOD

[ crossbonez left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 7:29PM ]

[ palette-cleanser sent you a message! ]

palette-cleanser: Are you still taking advice for your date?

crossbonez: the answer is technically yes but i can’t say i’ve reached the point in my life where i’m ready to take dating advice from you

palette-cleanser: I shall try and keep my advice more general, then.

crossbonez: just don’t say the word beauty

palette-cleanser: You should consider the benefit of surrounding yourselves with beautiful things. I can only imagine a relationship increasing in intensity when the couple is surrounded by overwhelming beauty.

palette-cleanser: In my defense, my reply was half-written when you posted yours.

crossbonez: what the hell would overwhelming beauty even be man

crossbonez: am i sposed to find out which flower gives him boners like what am i doing here

palette-cleanser: that is up to you! And Akira, I suppose.

palette-cleanser: I was, of course, referring to your beautiful surroundings being up to you. Akira getting an erection is less-so in your hands.

palette-cleaner: …I did not mean for that to become a double-entendre but I suppose that’s also appropriate to your situation.

crossbonez: hoo boy you are this close to my block list lemme tell ya

palette-cleanser: Please don’t, my contact list is very short as it is.

palette-cleanser: Back to the topic at hand,

crossbonez: yeah plz

palette-cleanser: What are some things that Akira finds beautiful?

crossbonez: man i don’t know

crossbonez: uhh

crossbonez: good coffee

crossbonez: big ass cheeseburgers

crossbonez: cats probably

crossbonez: hes got a risette poster in his room but i think that’s less because shes hot and more because someone gave it to him and he was too nice to throw it out

palette-cleanser: None of that sounds particularly beautiful…

crossbonez: OH WOW DOES IT NOT

crossbonez: REALLY

palette-cleanser: There is no need to raise your typeface at me.

crossbonez: sjdjcickgmsoakfb

palette-cleanser: ?

crossbonez: nothing dont worry abt it

crossbonez: im gonna go see if i can buy something beautiful for ¥200 

palette-cleanser: Many beautiful things in life are free.

crossbonez: you got an example to go with that inspirational quote?

crossbonez: duuuude?

palette-cleanser: I appear to be losing connection

crossbonez: oh my god dude

palette-cleanser: I can hardly read what you’re writing

crossbonez: thats not how that would even work

crossbonez: i cant tell if ur trolling me or not

[ palette-cleanser has left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 7:49PM ] 

[ yougimmethecrepes has replied to your message! ]

crossbonez: plz tell me ur just invisible

crossbonez: ur my one last hope and god is that saying something about how my standards have fallen

yougimmethecrepes: doing homework

yougimmethecrepes: you still peeing your pants over date night?

crossbonez: you still willing to give bad advice?

yougimmethecrepes: imagine me swiping all of my school work off my desk onto my floor because if my math grade didn’t ride on this I would have done that

crossbonez: aight

yougimmethecrepes: also my advice is fantastic shut up

yougimmethecrepes: okay, lets start easy. What’s the budget?

crossbonez: im in high school and not a part time model

crossbonez: my budget is negative

yougimmethecrepes: ooooh

yougimmethecrepes: got it

yougimmethecrepes: arcade? you can just use small change and stuff

crossbonez: we go there ALL THE TIME thats not a date

crossbonez: that’s like going to the ramen shop or something

yougimmethecrepes: uh……batting cages? Movie?

crossbonez: i cant ask him on a date and then just do shit we do normally! how is that a date???

yougimmethecrepes: How is it not a date?? You guys always have fun doing that, how is it less fun on a date

yougimmethecrepes: OH WAIT NO I got it

yougimmethecrepes: bathhouse

crossbonez: shut up no

yougimmethecrepes: hey, it’s not my fault you gave this absolutely no thought whatsoever

crossbonez: UGH I KNOW

crossbonez: WHY IS THIS HARD

yougimmethecrepes: I KEEP TELLING YOU THAT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE

yougimmethecrepes: YOU’RE MAKING THIS A PROBLEM

[ crossbonez has left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 8:25 PM ] 

[ memejed sent you a message! ]

crossbonez: no

memejed: before you say anything

memejed: jdcjdjnfdkdkf

memejed: dammit how do all of you type so fast

memejed: it’s like I don’t even know myself any more

memejed: is it my tiny hands

crossbonez: i do not want dating advice from you

memejed: well then it’s a good thing I don’t have any for you then ISNT IT

memejed: I just wanted to tell you that Akira just got home and he’s smiling a lot and it’s gross and weird and most likely your fault, so

crossbonez: oh that’s

crossbonez: nice to hear thank you jhgjfyjuh

memejed: he just told sojiro about the date and sojiro offered to grab him condoms hahAHAAHAH

crossbonez: OH MY GOD

crossbonez: DONT TELL ME THAT SHIT

memejed: IM ACTUALLY GONNA CHOKE LOLLL

crossbonez: I HOPE SO

memejed: >:(

memejed: I don’t even get why youre so nervous he’s obviously out of his mind happy to go out with you

memejed: whatever you guys do he’ll be down

memejed: just don’t do any stupid shit like try and show off or act like a tool

memejed: which I realize may seem daunting for you

memejed: but I believe u may have it in you, maybe

crossbonez: I just have no idea what to do without us doing the same shit as always

memejed: whats wrong with doing the stuff you guys always do? Routine is comfy

memejed: comfort is the enemy of anxiety

memejed: well, comfy, and a good pair of sweatpants

memejed: *and valium

crossbonez: you dont think he would mind doing shit we do all the time?

memejed: oh my god are ALL boys as stupid as you??? how has the species survived for so long

memejed: just hold his hand or something and he’d let you push him in front of the subway!! Like, that probably shouldn’t be your go to option, but just

memejed: he ALREADY likes you. you don’t need to impress him or anything

memejed: consider yourself lucky, because like, idk how you swung that

crossbonez: I agree with you too much to get mad at that

crossbonez: wow

crossbonez: akira agreed to go out with me, you gave me advice that wasnt steaming dog shit

crossbonez: maybe i should buy a lottery ticket lmao

memejed: LMAO ur luck stat isn’t THAT high yet

memejed: see if sojiro comes through w the condoms first

crossbonez: okay and NOW im leaving

memejed: BE SAFE!!

[ crossbonez has left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 9:22 PM ]  

[ HaruOkumura sent you a message! ]

HaruOkumura: Good, you’re still online! 

crossbonez: hahaha what happened to ur screenname?

HaruOkumura: The company’s social media adviser suggested I change it for professional purposes………..

crossbonez: lame

HaruOkumura: Yes apparently “BigBangIsPeople” is not an appropriate username for the incoming CEO of Okumura Foods.

HaruOkumura: I thought it was funny :(

HaruOkumura: But anyway! I’m glad you’re still online! Makoto texted me and told me about yours and Akira’s date and I wanted to say congratulations and I’m so happy for you!

crossbonez: thanks! tell makoto to quit snitchin tho

HaruOkumura: Will do! I just wanted to talk because Makoto said you were very stressed out and seemed sort of unprepared

crossbonez: im okay now i think

crossbonez: futaba helped me out

crossbonez: weirdly

crossbonez: i mean im still sweating all over myself and the idea of actually meeting up with akira for the date in question makes me want to gag but :) im fine

HaruOkumura: oh my :o

HaruOkumura: Have you decided what the two of you will do?

crossbonez: yeeaaahhhh i got some ideas i think?

HaruOkumura: I do as well!! Would you like to hear them?

crossbonez: hey i am always up for not thinking

HaruOkumura: That’s great!! Okay, what is your budget currently?

crossbonez: gkhskdfkjlghlrihvoirhgiu

crossbonez: kjghsiuergtiughpijiuprughtuislrhgiulth

HaruOkumura: Uhm?

crossbonez: I THINK IM GOOD LMAO THX HARU

HaruOkumura: Oh youre welcome! Let us know how it goes!

crossbonez: yeah sure if i dont die first!

[ crossbonez has left the conversation. ]

 [ SATURDAY, 02:41 AM ] 

[ JokersWild sent you a message! ]

JokersWild: Hey

JokersWild: I know youre probably asleep because it’s like fuck o clock in the morning and why wouldn’t you be

JokersWild: But I cant sleep because I made myself some antianxiety coffee when I got home haha

JokersWild: (futaba calls it estresso but I can’t call it that because it’s so clever it makes me mad I didn’t think of it first)

JokersWild: but I had a really good time tonight

JokersWild: and you seemed kind of worried all night so I wanted you to know that

JokersWild: and idek if you were worried because of us(?) or if there was something else going on and now I just seem like kind of an asshole for assuming it was about me

JokersWild: but whether it was or it wasn’t I had fun

JokersWild: and

JokersWild: I’m really happy you asked me out

JokersWild: and just…… you don’t need advice from anyone on how to like

JokersWild: woo me yknow?

JokersWild: I had notifications turned off but the number of messages in the group chat kept ticking up so I lurked for a second

JokersWild: I don’t know what anyone ended up telling you but you didn’t need it

JokersWild: you don’t have to impress me. I ALREADY like you.

JokersWild: so, that’s that

JokersWild: this coffee is very strong and obviously my inhibitions are non existent right now so I’m going to bed before this turns into a confession

JokersWild: or more of one

JokersWild: lets, like, do this again? I want to keep doing this with you

[ JokersWild has left the conversation. ]

 [ SATURDAY, 02:54 AM ] 

[ JokersWild sent you a message! ]

JokersWild: also oh my god thank you for not freaking the fuck out when that condom fell out of my jacket I SWEAR TO YOU I did not put it there and when I find out who did I am going to unmake them

JokersWild: okay goodnight

[ JokersWild has left the conversation. ]

[poetic-mime-blog]

I’m going to type out my thoughts on a matter here instead of reblogging a post and risking attracting more drama to my brother’s blog. Feel free to ignore this.

From my understanding, here’s how the chain of events went: 

- My brother was constantly bending over backwards to please and ensure that “F” was feeling safe and all right. He was also begging for communication from “F” so that there would be less issues arising, and so that their friendship could flourish in a healthy manner. Instead, he was given excuses and a refusal to establish healthy communication. Nonetheless, my brother still continued to do all that he could to keep things as stable as possible. 

- My brother shares a sketch with some friends. It included a hairstyle he had never done before, and he had not used any references for it, and he was proud of the outcome. One of his friends, “A,” who had no connections to “F” whatsoever, offered critique without first asking if my brother wanted it. This happened in a DM on Discord. Unfortunately, my brother was not in a good enough mindset to handle that and he started splitting on “A.” Unwarranted critique is a trigger for my brother thanks to some bad experiences in the past.

- My brother, upset, goes into a Discord server that he, “F” and some other friends are in, goes to the vent channel, and types out a very short rant about the situation and his frustration over it, as the unwarranted critique is something that has been happening consistently. All from different people. 

- “F” responds to the rant by making a message saying that they’re going to be muting the channel, as they can’t handle “reactionary negativity.” Nothing negative was said towards them as a result, on any front, and the subject was simply dropped immediately afterwards in the server. 

- My brother goes to his own blog to ramble then, to blow off some steam. He tagged the post as “negative” to help ensure it would be caught by those who had that tag blacklisted. He didn’t use “drama,” as it didn’t fit the situation. 

- Suddenly, “F” is blatantly avoiding and ignoring my brother. They were posting in the server at the time that my brother finished another sketch, which happened to be of one of “F”’s favorite characters of my brother’s. My brother excitedly sent “F” the sketch to share it. “F” did not respond and immediately stopped talking in the server. This was very odd behavior for “F” when nothing negative, as far as my brother was aware, had happened between them, and it set off my brother’s anxiety, but he didn’t think much of it, wanting to give “F” the benefit of the doubt instead of letting his anxiety run rampant. 

- The next day, my brother sees “F” posting in the server again. He messages “F” and asks if he did anything to upset “F.” Again, “F” immediately stops posting in the server and does not respond. At that point, my brother knew he was being ignored and he began to panic. He is left in this turmoil for hours, and eventually he leaves the server due to his panicking and feeling unwelcome by “F,” who created said server. 

- When “F” finally responds, it is with a vague message of, “I’m not in a position to explain myself, don’t beat yourself up over this >u<” This did not clarify if my brother had done anything to upset “F” or if “F” was upset over something else and my brother was simply caught in the cross of it, which had happened before. The not knowing and the tone that offered no concern over my brother’s own well-being due to “F”’s actions caused my brother to break down severely. 

- Messiah, one of our system protectors, was then triggered to the front, and he sent a very blunt message to “F,” saying that their actions were not okay. They offered no comfort or clarification as to what was going on, and my brother was feeling as if they were going to be abandoned. They were causing blatant harm to my brother, when my brother had been doing everything at this point to cater to “F”’s every need, and never returning that kindness. He mentioned that friends should not be doing what “F” was doing to my brother, as they were supposed to be friends. 

- “F”’s response to this was to block my brother on Discord and everywhere else without another word. This only made everything worse. It caused my brother to go into what are now weeks’ worth of depressive spirals, suicidal spells, and total instability. Abandonment is one of my brother’s biggest triggers. Period. 

- A few days ago, I attempted to extend an olive branch from my blog here, as my brother was still willing to try and work things out despite how toxic the situation had been. I was met with another, totally apathetic message, and blocked. It also contained an excuse of “our disorders just don’t work well together.” My brother has BPD, and “F” says that they have “AvPD.” However, I think it can be agreed with that there is a difference in saying, “I have this disorder and these struggles” and using said disorder as a crutch and as a way to say behavior cannot be improved and that one is not responsible for their own actions due to said disorder. The latter is exactly what “F” had been and continues to be doing.

- Yesterday, my brother finally decided to come out in the open about this situation. He used as many details as they could leading up to the abandonment, using only facts, and keeping “F” unnamed. He did not call “F” any derogatory names. He emphasized how negatively he has been impacted by this situation, as the entire thing boiled down to “F”’s refusal to communicate with him. If communication had been established as it should have been, my brother and “F” wouldn’t have had nearly as many issues as they did. And these issues were always minor. 

- Not all that long after, my brother received an anon whose message accused my brother of “taking this out on “F.”” The thing is, the only thing my brother did was lay everything that happened out on the table, explain why he has been so unstable and upset lately, and hint to the fact that “F” should take responsibility for their own actions. He has not sent anon hate to “F,” told anyone to harass them, or try to tell other people to not be friends with “F.” 

- This anon’s typing style and tone were nearly identical with the message I received here when I reached out to “F” so we and several of our friends are convinced that the anon was “F” themself, attempting to get my brother to shut up about what happened, as they don’t see themself as being in the wrong whatsoever. This hypothesis can also be backed by the fact that my brother did not have “F” blocked anywhere before the anon was sent. After answering it, my brother blocked “F”’s blogs, and there has not been a single negative anon over the situation since. 

Going off of all that, I can say that I see “F” as both toxic and an abuser. They cut my brother off the instant he was no longer a convenient presence for them, and after the one singular time one of us called them out on their toxic behavior. Keep in mind, “F” knew we are multiple and even claimed to have other friends who have DID, so punishing my brother for one of us standing up for him is disgusting to all of us that were aware of the situation. They walked all over my brother, made him jump through hoops to keep them happy while he was neglecting his own mental and emotional health to do so out of fear of saying anything negative to them. 

My brother actually had a similar “avoidance” situation happen between him and a different friend, “V.” My brother was having an unstable day to begin with, and “V” accidentally caused my brother to start splitting harshly on them. He reacted impulsively by going offline and not speaking to “V” without explanation. The next day, he saw how distressed “V” had become over it. His reaction was to apologize for hurting them, explain what caused him to react in such a manner, and to talk things out. There was also an agreement that he offered: if he was to start splitting like that again, he would tell “V” that he was splitting, and that he needed space, but they would be okay and they could talk things out later. 

This sort of explanation is what my brother begged “F” for in the cases that “F” would shut him out. A very simple but comforting explanation. “I can’t talk right now but we’re still friends.” That was all my brother ever wanted from “F,” but that was too much to ask for, apparently. 

Collectively, we’re autistic and have an assortment of other mental illnesses besides BPD. Saying vague things like what “F” did as their answer to my brother being scared out of his mind that he was about to lose his friend, offer no comfort and only cause confusion and more panic. 

And yet, the “anon” that sent my brother an apathetic message over the situation told us that “he”--lumping Messiah and my brother into the same category, reading as if they’re calling them the same person--overreacted to them saying they needed space. Messiah “overreacted” when they offered no explanation for anything whatsoever and caused my brother to start panicking and sobbing in the front because he didn’t know what was going on. A stern message, telling someone that causing their friend pain isn’t okay and that they need to communicate with their friend is “overreacting.” 

“F,” I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but you are shit at hiding yourself on anon, and myself and ten other people (not in our system, mind you. I’m talking separate individuals) that we’ve talked to know that what you did wasn’t okay. It wasn’t healthy. None of it was. And you have a lot of growing to do. I hope you do. Because if you don’t, and you keep throwing away friends like you did my brother, you are going to end up alone. No one wants “friends” that will abandon them the moment they voice that they are being hurt. Not mildly inconvenienced. Not a little irritated or vaguely confused. Hurt. The kind of hurt that panic attacks, breakdowns, and sheer terror causes. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. In the meantime, you better not ever come near my brother again unless, like he mentioned when answering a different anon, you have a genuine apology, an explanation that isn’t bullshit and more manipulation, and are going to straighten up your act and work to gain back the trust that you highhandedly shattered because you refused to communicate and didn’t like being told that you were in the wrong. 

[kyetalksshit]

Update for the first time in SO LONG

Hey guys! 

So it’s the 4th of july and I’m tipsy. Happy shitty ass holiday to all of u who care about it. I don’t. Fireworks are boring and sound like gunshots and loud ass cis white republican christian people get louder than usual about how “great” this country “used to be,” and get to celebrate the day this country was founded on native american genocide and rape and began an era of slavery and racism and a bunch of other motherfucking goddamn bullshit. 

Anyway. 

I told a storytime on my youtube channel about my ex who I called Gregg (bc he looks like Gregg Sulkin, or at least I thought he did back then. It’s actually a two parter so far. I have yet to get to the part where he dumped me over text and then tried to be friends with benefits with me, I refused, I tried, he refused, we fought a lot, repeat cycle. Wow that was a fucking shitstorm. Finally unfriended him a couple of months ago because of a shitty ass facebook post and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. Plus, he has a girlfriend now, and at this point any desire to communicate with him was based on a pure physical attraction and/or wanting to have some sort of intellectual conversation with him because, as much as I honestly still kind of resent him, I do admire his brain. Anyway.) 

So when I told the storytime, I spent a good hour going through my tumblr for posts about him (and his, for posts about me, which I remember desperately hoping for back when I was still with him or right after we broke up) and it kind of made me miss blogging. 

This has been the longest intro in the fucking world. Oh my god. Ugh. 

Anyway. 

I just kind of wanted to get on here and talk a little bit. 

I don’t remember what my original pushing thought was, since again, I’m tipsy, and I got so sidetracked talking about “gregg” (though let’s be real, if any of you watch that storytime and have followed me for long enough, you know exactly who I’m talking about. He doesn’t even follow me on tumblr anymore. He unfollowed me a long time ago, actually. And now that I’m talking so much about him I’m kind of tempted to text him, which would obviously be a fucking bad idea, but you know. I’m a masochist. We’ll see what I do later I guess. I don’t know.) 

I’m kind of miffed today. And by that, I mean I’m actually hurt but too prideful to say I’m hurt. My family is very clearly celebrating for this shit holiday, which they don’t know that I don’t care about, by the way, and no one even invited me. Yeah I was working most of the day but I got off at 8, and anyway I hadn’t told them I was working. My mother probably just “assumed I had to work and couldn’t make it” again. Even though she promised to make more of an effort to invite me to things. My heart hurts. 

Yeah I don’t care about fireworks, but I love my family and I miss my niece and my sister isn’t talking to me because apparently I’ve changed and she misses “Amber,” not “Kye.” (Oh yeah, I go by Kye now. Just, btw.) 

What she doesn’t seem to realize no matter how many times I tell her, is that Amber, that girl she grew up with that she apparently misses so goddamn much, she doesn’t exist anymore. She was a fucked up piece of shit too, if I’m being honest. I call my past self Amber instead of “past Kye” because I don’t know her anymore. You know why? 

Because I’ve been through so much motherfucking goddamn bullshit since then. I was raped. I left my family for a goddamn year over some slightly shitty but WAY overexaggerated bullshit (that, let’s be real, I’ll never fully forgive myself for) that was twisted into a horror story by the evil ex whose name I can’t even fucking SAY because it makes me feel fucking nauseous. I almost killed myself a couple of times. I cut over and over and motherfucking over again because I was so goddamn depressed, I got kicked out of TWO apartments (once because my roommate was just a bitch and wanted any made up excuse she could find, the other because my alcoholic roommate who sexually assaulted me MY FIRST NIGHT THERE and who is STILL my dm for one of my dnd games and tries to pretend he fucking cares about me, hallucinated our neighbors trying to kill us and made me take him to the hospital and file a police report when it was just his goddamn mind). I’ve been so broke for the past couple years I was a camgirl for awhile. I did live camshows for money. I also sold photos and videos of me naked, sometimes taking requests. It made me fucking miserable and gave me flashbacks but I was jobless and had to pay rent. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been considering starting again because I’m broke as fuck and I want to cry from how stressed I am most of the time, but I haven’t yet. You know why? 

Again, I was raped. And sexually assaulted, not just by that roommate, but also by two family members (like when I was a kid) who will remain unnamed (who never even said I’m sorry, by the way, even when I brought it up. I still hang out with one. How fucking sick do I have to be to still hang out with a family member who sexually assaulted me and apologized to my sister for touching her, but not me?). But also because I’ve been in this deep disgusting ass pit of self fucking loathing recently. I feel fat and ugly and nasty more often than not, every time I get a crush or a lust-crush on someone I start to feel guilty about it because how dare I burden someone with the weight of having to deal with my affection? I feel lonely and also selfish for feeling lonely, I miss my family but I also avoid them. And then I get upset when they don’t invite me to things. 

This is the last holiday I’m ever going to spend living in North Carolina. Connor and I are leaving for Los Angeles on August fucking 5th. I’ll be around for my brother’s and my cat’s birthday (incidentally they’re both on August 2nd), but then I’m gone. I won’t be able to make it to Christmas this year because let’s face it, I won’t have the money. The soonest they’re going to see me after I leave is MAYBE Christmas 2018, and I’m not even sure that’s going to happen. Hell, I’m not even christian anymore, celebrating it feels weird. 

Also, going back to this whole name shit and “I’ve changed” bullshit, Amber was an asshole. She made racist comments and used to say the “n” word back in high school. She literally laughed in boys’ faces when they asked her out if she wasn’t attracted to them, not even just because they were “out of her league” because she (rightfully) didn’t believe in “leagues,” but just because if she was going to say no, she was going to be a bitch about it. I remember one of my best friends’ little brothers asking me out in 9th grade, and he was in like 7th. He was OBVIOUSLY too young for me but I should have been fucking nice about it. Instead, I laughed at him, literally fucking laughed at him, and just said “omg bye.” 

She also didn’t know how to stand up for herself. She was mousy and depressed and anxious and small and hated herself and so who gave a fuck if people used her because what good was she herself anyway? Like yeah, Kye is fatter and her mental health has gone down the fucking drain (no really, my counselor thinks I’m borderline and I really need to be medicated honestly because it’s so hard to function I’m scared I’m going to fail at trying to be alive) but at least she can mostly say no, and she can cut people out her life when she wants to. At least Kye can pinpoint when people are trying to manipulate her (though if we’re being honest here, and holy fuck we really are, since the fucking evil ex aka my rapist, my mind is warped as fucking hell and I don’t know what’s real anymore. The amount of manipulation I have imagined and overreacted to is insane. My uncle wallace won’t talk to me because I overreacted when he had a shitty opinion and posted it on a status of mine, and I took it as him attacking me. I want to cry every time I think about it but I already sent him one long message explaining why, and then the next day I sent a really long apology message. I don’t know why I keep fucking things up with everyone I care about. It feels like Connor and my cat are the only ones I have anymore, and even Connor can drive me crazy sometimes because obviously, that’s how people are who live together and have known each other for 8 fucking years, and I’m so hard to live with and deal with because of the bpd and the fact that my anxiety shows itself in irritability and the amount of times I’ve snapped at them for fucking nothing is absolutely ridiculous. I’m mad that they still haven’t learned how to drive and we’re moving in a month and it’s looking like I’m going to have to drive by myself from one coast to another while they blissfully chill in the passenger seat and doze off or play on their phone or whatever, but in reality they’re probably really anxious about it too and they probably feel bad but can’t make theirself do it and it’s just I feel so shitty all the time oh my god). 

I don’t even know what the point of this post is, I just think I needed to vent somewhere that I don’t have to be careful what I say because no one reads this shit anyway. The second I vent where ANYONE in my family can see it, they’ll all jump down my throat for being “disrespectful to my parents” or some other bullshit. They fucking love bandwagons. One of their favorite phrases is “my army is bigger” and honestly that shit scares me because yeah, it is. And that goddamn army is too fucking prideful (like me) to accept when they maybe should hear someone out, and they will literally cyberbully you if they can. It may sound whiny, but I really do feel like I was cyberbullied that day with uncle wallace. I’m not even kidding (and again, no one reads this so I don’t feel bad saying this because it’s tru) I legitimately wanted to kill myself that day. Everyone was jumping down my throat AGAIN over something I said that hurt my mom when I didn’t even know it hurt her. If I had, I would have taken it down and apologized. They were also attacking me for an immature snapchat saying “fuck you and your shitty ass opinions” which was about my uncle, and yeah I deserved a little of that bullshit but I admitted that was wrong very shortly after. He wouldn’t even hear me out, but I was the bad guy, the disrespectful, ignorant black sheep who treated everyone like shit. I keep trying to pretend I’m over the whole thing but I’m so not. I won’t forget who said shit to me and who didn’t. Because that shit fucking hurt. 

I don’t want to tell Connor how mad I am over something they may not be able to control, I don’t want to fucking rub my sister’s face in how ‘not’ Amber I am (also, just, sidenote, the main reason I changed my is really because I hated Amber and wanted some control over my life and it really has made me happier, but also honestly it was partly because my fucking rapist has never called me “Kye” and so when I’m having fucking rape flashbacks I can separate myself from it so when she insists that Kye is horrible and she hates me now (she didn’t say that but she said I wouldn’t be in her life if I weren’t family and let’s face it, I’m not in her life rn anyway and I may as well not be family with how I’ve been treated recently, not that it’s not partly my fault, but still) and that she misses Amber, who she grew up with, who is the one she misses, not me, not who I am now. Honestly, when we were fighting it felt like she only said that because she needed a concrete reason to be mad at me so she grasped onto the fact that I’ve changed, which my whole family complains about, but

Look at all the motherfucking goddamn fucked up shit I’ve been through in the past few years. OF FUCKING COURSE I’VE CHANGED. It hurts like hell that my ENTIRE family is mad that I’m not the same girl who left them for an abusive fiance. Like yes, I’m kind of a bitch now when I need to be, and yes I overreact to things BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA U DON’T JUST FUCKING GET OVER THAT, and yes I changed my name and I’m not the motherfucking goddamn same but how dare you want me to be? 

I WANTED TO DIE. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I HAVE NEVER HATED MYSELF AS MUCH AS I DID THEN. I HAD TWO EATING DISORDERS, AN ADDICTION TO CUTTING (for which I’m now getting urges so I’m going to end this soon), I HATED EVERYONE I KNEW, I WAS FUCKING SO DEPRESSED I COULDN’T EVEN, UGH, I WAS ONLY SLEEPING ONCE EVERY TWO NIGHTS SO I WAS HALLUCINATING, I PUSHED AWAY EVERYONE WHO EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME, I SNAPPED AT EVERYONE WHO WAS NEAR ME WHEN I WAS ANXIOUS AND I DIDN’T KNOW MY TRIGGERS. NOW I CAN AT LEAST SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SO I DON’T HURT PEOPLE AS MUCH. I DON’T TALK ABOUT THE VIEWS I HAVE THAT CONFLICT WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S SO I DON’T HAVE TO ARGUE WITH ANYONE. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SMALL, THEN MADE MYSELF BIG, AND REVERT TO SMALL WHEN I’M AROUND THEM, BUT IT’S STILL NOT FUCKING ENOUGH FOR THEM. 

WHEN, please fucking tell me WHEN, when will I be enough for them?