#believe me i understand being overwhelmed and sort of decision paralyzed/apprehensive of doing more than just

[infizero]

i have felt very hopeless all day today and im sure many others have been feeling this way recently. but ive decided to channel that hopelessness and frustration into actually going out of my way and doing something, and i encourage others to as well. i feel infinitely better knowing that i will at least be doing my part as much as i can

[tear-her-aus]

Waking up to you

Pairing: Taehyung x reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Type: One shot

A/N: This one shot is mainly fluff, a little angst and some smut (if you squint a little.) I hope you like it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

You woke up to an asphyxiating environment. Everything was hot, sweaty, suffocating. At first, your eyes wouldn’t open but you willed them; you needed to get out, to get some air at last. Your head hurt, just as your body and it somewhat felt unfamiliar to you. Everything felt surreal and different; the way the light made its way through the curtains, the way your hair fell over your face, and the way someone was holding you. The pressure in your back indicated someone was behind you, breathing as if everything was normal. For you, on the other hand, this was out of the world. You couldn’t remember anything at all. Not your name, your age, your sex, your address, your reflection…nothing. Wondering if all was due to alcohol, you tried to escape the bed. Yet, as soon as you attempted to stand up, a pair of arms held you at the waist, tying you down to the bed once more. Paralyzed, you felt the body behind you move even closer to you until the two bodies felt like one. Instinctively, you looked down at the hands that were encaging you, and their roughness and size told you the stranger was a boy.  The boy, unaware of your internal commotion, tried to move impossibly closer to you by burying his face in your hair. Everything felt so intimate that you feared ruining the moment, yet you were also scared of this whole situation. Before you could do anything, however, it seemed the boy did the first move.

“Good morning, love,” the boy whispered so low that it was hard for you to listen, considering how his voice was muffled- probably by your hair. The pet name caught you off guard since it sounded sweet yet way too personal coming from a stranger. You had no words to answer that; he left you speechless with one word. Still like a stone, you hugged yourself as you tried to get some sense of this awkward situation. “Babe?” the boy tried calling your attention once again, “are you faking being asleep?” You don’t know how, but you could sense the smirk that accompanied that question. Apprehensively, you remained silent to see what his next move would be. After shutting your eyes, you felt his hands withdraw from you slowly- perhaps this was your chance to escape? As you considered this, he had you flipped over so that your back was against the mattress. You let out a screech from the surprise of his sudden move. So now both of you were well aware of your consciousness. “Come on, baby!” the boy whined- you had to admit it was sort of cute- “I wanna see your beautiful eyes, pleaseeeee.”

You could feel the corner of your lip moving upwards despite yourself, but you tried to suppress it as fast as you could. “I saw that,” the boy pointed out as a child, “stop pretending to be asleep or else…” he threatened but didn’t finish the sentence. You were nervous at this inquiry, but you were more scared to open your eyes to this distorted reality. The bed shifted and the bed sheets were pulled as the boy seemed to be moving towards the foot of the bed. You relaxed, thinking he would leave, yet when you felt the boy’s respiration near your thighs, you panicked. Sitting up in one go, you tried to stop him from the possible outcome of his intentions, but it was too late. Wet lips pressed one, two, uncountable times as they made their way up through your thighs. You were speechless as the feeling of his lips in your body revived a familiar memory you couldn’t quite place. A memory you couldn’t decipher yet. You couldn’t think straight, and the boy was moving way deeper into your core, making it even harder to think at all. You wanted him to stop, but your lips were sealed by desire. When his fingers found way to your shorts, however, you were allowed a gap of time to let rationality take over.

“Please,” was the first word you could muster out. As you thought of what to say further, the boy stripped you out of your shorts in one go. It seemed he misunderstood your pleading. “STOP!” you screamed. The panic took over your wants.

The boy’s head shut up at your scream, yet you still couldn’t see his face due to the sheets covering him completely. He moved sideways to get out from under the covers and away from your body. When the sheets revealed what was under them, your eyes widened at the beauty of the boy sitting in front of you. If a word could describe him, it would be ethereal. Yet the frown now prominent on this boy’s face was a contrast to his beauty.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he searched for an answer in your eyes, “did I hurt you?” Now, he seemed concerned for your wellbeing. You shook your head at that, wanting nothing more that for his frown to disappear. Thankfully, his expression changed, but it was not better than the last one since he was looking at you expectantly. Yet, you didn’t have an answer- if anything you had a lot of questions.

“Wh- Who are you?” you asked the first thing that came into your mind. Being that impulsive proved to be the wrong thing to do, for it seemed the question hurt the boy.

He blinked several times in confusion before a big smile took over his expression. “Stop joking around, love. You almost scared me,” he laughed once as if to wait for you to tell him everything was a simple act and you knew who he was.

As you looked at him in silence, you could see his smile reducing slowly until it became a stoic thin line. “I- I don’t remember,” you started, yet nothing else came out of you for a few minutes.

The boy considered this a few seconds before expressing his thoughts. “I don’t understand,” he shook his head as he looked at his hands. “It’s not like this was a one-night stand or something… We- You have been my girlfriend for five years now,” he looked up at you as if that would make you remember- or above all, understand. At your loss of words, he tried to convince you further of this reality. “We have lived together for two years,” he threw this fact as if piece by piece he could complete the puzzle of your life-or of what it used to be. He looked at you quizzically, probably waiting for a reaction. The optimism laced in his eyes made it even harder for you to be honest.

Inhaling deeply, you tried to express what was going on in your head. “I don’t know what’s happening… I just woke up and I can’t even remember my name,” you said at last. The frustration from not knowing anything made you want to cry, to scream, to disappear. The boy was clearly taken aback. He probably didn’t believe you ‘cause who would believe something so crazy, right?

You searched for his eyes, waiting for any response. He seemed to sense your frustration and changed his expression from confused to calm, probably trying to be comprehensive. “I don’t want to overwhelm you, so what about we try to figure this out slowly?” he asked in a soft voice as he extended his hand for you to take. Looking up at his eyes and then down at his hand, you realized that even though you didn’t know him, you trusted him. So, you took his hand.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

It’s been two months since the day you woke up next to a stranger, and it finally started to feel like he wasn’t a stranger anymore. He was kind, comprehensive and loving, and you were starting to fear never been as loving as him- or even worse, never deserving his love. He was human too, so he was probably starting to get frustrated at your inability to remember. Afterall, it seemed there was no scientific cause for your amnesia. The doctors that have been seeing you for these past weeks found themselves with an unexplainable case. Last week, Taehyung got sick of it and told you it was better not to go anymore, for it was clear everyone treated you like a gynae pig with their thirst for answers. Yet, the one who wanted answers the most was you.

It was exhausting, really, living as the memory of someone who doesn’t exist anymore. You wanted to correspond Taehyung, but you were empty. Not only of memories but of feelings as well. The past weeks, you have seen the way Taehyung lost part of his light whenever he attempted a new way for you to remember something -anything- and was faced with disappointment after disappointment. No one likes to feel like a disappointment.

That’s the reason that you decided to leave. Your decision was made after having your first “fight” with Taehyung last night.

“Kim Taehyung!” you had exclaimed that night after you finally grasped his full name.

Taehyung stopped cleaning the table at that, and even though his back was facing you, you could see the tension growing in his shoulders. It took him a moment to face you. Yet, you didn’t expect his reaction. He seemed to be scared at first but then, all of a sudden, he was putting a puppy face façade. It was odd really, it was like he wanted mercy for his wrongdoings.

“What did I do this time?” he asked with a small voice and a sheepish grin. You were confused at his behavior, yet you answered him. “No- nothing. I just got your name.” you explained casually.

You swear that the way his face fell made your heart break- but perhaps it was his heart the one breaking right there. His hurt soon transformed into frustration which has been constantly fueled by nostalgia for weeks. His expression, though, didn’t prepare you for his outburst.

“I’m Kim Taehyung when you’re mad at me!” he almost screamed, “‘Taehyung’ is when you want me to do something for you,” his tone lowered. “You used to call me Tae tae when you wanted me to cuddle with you,” he paused for a second as if the last part was unbearable to say, “…and I was Tae when you wanted to tell me you loved me.” His voice broke at last just as his bottled feelings were finally free.

A knot constricted your throat, making it impossible for you to speak without crying- not for you, but for him, for his pain…for your fault. Tears streamed down his cheeks and in that moment, you decided you never wanted to see this boy cry for you again. “I’m sorry” was the only thing that you managed to say before you ran towards the door.

You heard him screaming your name while he followed you, but you managed to lose him after a few blocks. Now, in your loneliness, you walked with no direction. You walked away from the memories of your past and from the boy who loves you.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

You woke up to coldness.  A lingering memory clouded your thoughts. A memory of two arms holding you close, providing warmth and protection… and love. It’s been a week of cold nights and empty days. Just wandering around life with no past, no purpose, and no love. The coldness you feel only increases when tears escape your eyes. Tears for a boy you thought you didn’t know but who now you missed. Even if you wanted to go back, you couldn’t remember his address and that simple thought killed you each day that passed. You didn’t care to be selfish now, you grew to understand that sometimes you needed to be selfish, even more if you need that person as much as that person needs you. That’s why you stared wandering through the streets, all in a desperate attempt to find Taehyung. You seemed like a crazy girl, asking every pedestrian if they knew a certain Taehyung. No one knew or cared, and you started to wonder if you would ever see him again.

You stared at the sunset while you contemplated a plan of action to find Taehyung. As you did, you let his name slip out of your lips as if saying it out loud would work as a spell to bring the boy back to you.

“Taehyung, where are you?”

 “I’m here,” someone said behind you. You recognized that voice right away, so you turned to confirm your suspicion. He was breathing hard as if he had run a marathon.

Mouth agape, you tried to form some words. “How?” was the only thing that came to your mind.

He seemed to understand what you were asking. “You- you asked me to,” he answered simply as he regained his breath.

“W-what?” You didn’t understand his answer. You hadn’t told him about your location- or anything for that matter- in days.

“You wanted me to find you, didn’t you?” he asked, clearly sure of his statement. He now regained his posture and started walking slowly towards you.  

You looked into his eyes for answers to his puzzle of words, but as you didn’t find them, Taehyung explained further after he noticed your confusion. “You called me Taehyung, so you wanted me to do something for you, didn’t you?” He seemed to be implying something and after a minute of consideration, you got it.  He was alluding at your last conversation. He was telling you he came because you had called him the way you used to do when you needed him.

You couldn’t deny that it warmed your heart how he remembered every single detail even if you didn’t remember anything -not even him- at all. You have made amends with what you got and decided it was worth trying. “Taehyung,” you started, causing him to look at you expectantly, “I can’t promise you I will remember everything we’ve lived through, or the little things we used to share, or even the different ways I used to call you,” you pause to read his expression. He’s searching your eyes for a chance, he’s looking for hope. “But, I can promise you to try to recover what we had. And even if most of it is in the past, I can picture a future…with you,” you finished without realizing what you just said. Emotion got control over your words. Before you got time to process everything, Taehyung’s body crashed with yours.

There it was. The warmth you have growth so desperate to get. Everything felt so right now. He felt right, and even though you couldn’t explain it, your body reacted to his instinctively. You parted from him after what it felt like hours. Your heart was full of things to say, but one was prominent amongst all. “I want to get to call you ‘Tae’ once again,” you said sincerely as you looked into his tear- filled eyes.

The sun’s light was disappearing, but a new light started to shine when the biggest smile you’ve ever seen appeared on Taehyung’s face. A smile that soon was eclipsed when his lips crashed with yours in a tender but warm kiss.

 That kiss was foreshadowing how I felt every day of my life waking up to you, Tae.

  - With love, Y/N

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