#believe it or not this is actually a good art period . i dont hate everything that comes from my hand when i draw and can actually produce

[kabuwu]

Fighting an eternal war with myself as I ping pong between art programs and thus jump from artstyle to artstyle faster than I can snap my fingers

[notoriouslydevious]

Twitter is fucking weird. IT’S FAN ART.

Haven’t posted my personal thoughts on tumblr in a LONG time and after seeing what I saw on my TL, I just wanted to get everything off my chest. I’ve been posting more settphel fan art on here, but as I’ve stated before, I’m not really a fan of the ship; however, I can appreciate the artists work who draw the ship. Something people on twitter can’t do. 

Apparently someone drew SB Sett & Aphelios with their own OC and it made Settphel-GayLeaguetwt explode? Of course, Bitches- I mean, Witches, is at the forefront (are we even surprised?). Here’s the art in question: 

Sett and Aphelios with Ace’s friend’s OC in the middle. Their oc is absolutely adorable, just vibin’ in the middle of Sett and Aphelios. 

Tweet that started it all:

a mutual of witches said they thought the artist’s oc was cute. This was their response:

Peak intelligence. Destroyed them with facts and knowledge. I don’t know if they’ll ever be able to recover. Even more quote retweets:

“Can we have anything?” How does this take away anything from you? A single piece of fan art in the PLETHORA of Settphel fan art. As someone else mentioned; GravesTF was confirmed this year, Ezko in pulsefire, Lee Sin & Udyr, Aphelios in Sett’s Firecracker splash and now Settpehl in SB? I guess all of these dont count anymore because someone drew fan art of Sett & Aphelios with someone in between them.

People calling the pic “homophobic” even though Sett was hinted to be Bisexual by his narrative writer for the skin line. While people HEADCANON that Aphelios is mlm or ace, he hasn’t been confirmed by Riot as either. So, no, not homophobic. This commenter biphobic? most likely. 

“I hate women making mlm relationships be about them”  “How dare someone draw these characters, that I don’t own, the way they want! They’re so selfish!” 

This was the comment that pushed me to making a post:

“Seems disrespectful” to who? Random people on twitter.com, who ship two fictional characters? How is this fan art ‘disrespectful’? Better, why do you feel disrespected by it? The fan art wasn’t made for YOU, so if you feel disrespected, that sounds like a you problem. Also implied (where?) =/= canon. No where in lore or voice lines, (as of right now) has stated that Aphelios is mlm. I would say that it’s headcanoned by a majority of the Settphel community, but remember, your head canon =/= canon.

They have since deleted their original thread but they’re still quote retweeting:

Again, how does this one piece of fan art erase your representation? This artist’s fan art isn’t canon. Riot themselves didn’t make official promo art of Sett with Soraka or changed his voice lines so he doesn’t call Aphelios mooncake. Settphel is still ��canon” whether artists draw them with other characters or not. (also the “I was bi for half my life,” good for you? Dont know what that has to do with fictional characters and a piece of fan art = erasure. It’s giving “I have a black friend” energy.) Also, “people with too much free time,” yet you made a whole ass thread about how “disrespected” you felt about a piece of fan art and continued to talk about it in quote retweets AND in dms after you deleted said thread so...  

Doesn’t matter if it’s canon or not, stop trying to police what artists can and cannot draw. Fan art DOESN’T HAVE TO BE CANON, IT CAN BE WHATEVER THE FUCK PEOPLE WANT IT TO BE BECAUSE IT’S *THEIR* FAN ART. I cant believe that has to be said. There are HUNDREDS of other artists on twitter actually drawing Sett and Aphelios together. I’ve only seen a couple of people draw Settraka and other art like this because psychos dogpile and harass these artists into either deleting the artwork or privating/deleting their account. Yummy, bullying people over fucking fan art. Someone pointed out, “people bully settphel artists too because they don’t like settphel” to which I say, don’t ever bully ANYONE. PERIOD. You don’t like what the artist drew? Block & mute, baby. Leave them alone, let them and mutuals enjoy their art/ship in peace. No one gives a fuck and needs to hear you announce that you don’t like it.  I’ll personally say on my own tumblr blog, “I’m not really a fan of [insert ship here]” but if I ever do make that comment, it’s usually followed by, “but I definitely can appreciate the artist’s work and I like the artist’s style.” Again, I’d never comment that under the artist’s post; I’ll say it in my own personal space. I’ll just give them a like, maybe a retweet and keep on scrolling. They don’t need to know that I’m not into that ship. They probably also dont care and have enough people already telling them that anyways. They didn’t draw it for me, they drew it because they liked it.  “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’ve been being a lot better about typing up something to someone else and just thinking to myself, “its not worth it” and deleting the whole thing. I’m not gonna change their mind and they aren’t going to change mine so why bother, you know? Here is my own personal ranting space so it’s a bit different.

And yes, before you point out how this isn’t the only fandom that’s toxic and how toxic other fandoms are, like the genshin fandom, almost everyone pictured here is also part of the genshin fandom. Coincidence? No. Toxic individuals of a feather are gonna flock together lol. 

A cherry on top: 

“I’m going to need to take a break from the community because someone drew fan art of two characters, that I don’t own, with their own oc, and it made that me upset.” Bruh.💀 Fucking toddlers, man. Alright everyone, lesson of the day is: you’re not allowed to draw anyone with anyone else except their canon significant other or the most popular head canon. Yes, I’m going to police what you draw and if you draw what I dont like, it’s erasure and it hurts my feelings. :’c Y’all can only draw what I like, okay? Okay.  But seriously like... bruh. Over ONE. SINGLE. PIECE. of fan art. In the OCEAN of Settphel fan art that’s all over twitter, some settphel fans felt so attacked and butthurt that this person drew one picture of Sett and Aphelios with their OC.

The artist didn’t give a shit about their feelings and drew this in response. All I gotta say is power to ‘em.  

It’s giving:

You’ll always hear me say, as long as it’s not illegal, gore, incest, etc, ship what you want to ship. I’m also going to add to that, let other people ship what they want to ship. Someone drawing the two characters you like not together and with someone isn’t erasure or a personal attack. Sett and Aphelios aren’t your OCs, and artists can draw them doing whatever they want. 

[imaginedhaven]

Reluctantly Rooming: Part Nine

Link to Masterpost

I’ve been neglecting this fic! This chapter is a little shorter, both so I could get back into it and because this is kind of filler that sets up the next part (which I’m very excited about). But I hope you enjoy regardless!

Today’s prompts:

“I can’t believe you eat pineapple on pizza…what sort of monster are you?”

and

Rowan reading/editing smut

~*~*~

Aelin laughed nervously from her position under the smoke detector. “Um, I can explain?”

The beeping stopped as he reached the chair on which she was standing, and with steady hands on her hips he helped her down from her perch. “Explain later,” he said. “Gods, I’m just glad you’re okay.”

She looked up and met green eyes bright with enough worry that she bit her lip in a fit of nerves. “I’m sorry,” she replied. “I just wanted to do something nice, and I’m pretty sure at this point we both know that I should never be trusted with cooking. I just thought…”

Her voice trailed off as she found herself hugged against his chest. “I’ll appreciate the thought once I’m more awake, probably,” he reassured her. “Just… wait, is the stove still on?”

“Um…” Aelin was struggling to remember at this point. “Probably? I just kind of took the pan and threw it in the sink.”

“Which explains the clattering noise. Okay.” He let go of her to turn the burner off and start cleaning out the pan, and for just a moment she felt a sense of loss before her brain caught up with her.

“Wait,” she called. “Shit, I can clean that.”

“Please just let me.” His voice sounded so strained, and she wasn’t sure if it was the situation in general or the way she must’ve horribly mangled his cookware.

“Is there anything I can do?”

He only shook his head and scrubbed harder, and she quietly slipped away into the living room.

Gods, she had ruined everything. She had meant to do something nice for him, and instead she had woken him up in probably the worst way possible. Not to mention the fact that she had created more work for him and maybe even ruined one of their pans. Why had she thought this was a good idea, again?

She steadfastly ignored the traitorous voice in her head that suggested that she knew exactly why she had tried to do this. It didn’t know what it was talking about.

Finally, she realized that she had to do something. After all, if she didn’t intervene he’d most likely go straight from scrubbing away her mistakes to properly cooking them… lunch, she realized with a glance at the clock. She may not be able to cook to save her life, but she could definitely make sure they had food without him cooking it.

She grinned. Her cooking skills were subpar at best, but her texting thumbs were in perfect working order.

Aelin crept back into the kitchen, watching for a moment as the muscles of Rowan’s back rippled under his shirt with the force of his scrubbing. Finally, though, she tore her gaze away and focused her eyes on the back of his head. “Hey, I was going to order pizza. You want any?”

Rowan set the pan down and turned to face her with a smirk. “Only if it has pineapple on it.”

Aelin was positive her jaw was about to hit the floor. “Pineapple?” she asked, voice sounding weak to her own ears.

“That’s not a problem, is it?” Gods, he was looking so impossibly smug. And it was about pineapple, on all things. Was this a habit he’d developed simply to be ornery? She wouldn’t put it past him.

“Of course not,” she said, forcing as much saccharine sweetness as she could into her voice. “Why would it be a problem to cater to the whims of a monster who thinks pineapple belongs on pizza?”

“It’s sweet, tart, and relatively nutritious for a pizza topping.” Of course that would be his most important criteria when evaluating toppings for pizza. Why wouldn’t it be?

Aelin sighed. “I can’t believe you eat pineapple on pizza. What sort of monster are you? I mean, I knew you were a grumpy old buzzard, but this?”

As she spoke, though, she pulled up a delivery app on her phone. She had to take a few deep breaths before she did it, but she selected pineapple as a topping. She’d just have to get two pizzas. It was fine. They’d have leftovers.

She hit the button to order the pizzas and smiled. Even though she was pretty sure Rowan was messing with her, it was still nice to do something for him in exchange for all of the things he’d been doing for her lately. Even if it meant ordering a pizza she was confident was never meant to exist.

~*~*~

Later that evening, Aelin kicked her feet up onto the arm of the couch and tugged a blanket around her shoulders. “I still can’t believe you actually ate that awful pizza,” she muttered as she sorted through the movies she had available to watch.

Rowan hummed in response, clearly distracted, and she glanced over at him to find him still at work in the armchair. The glow of his laptop’s screen was reflected in his glasses… wait.

“Do you actually need glasses? I hardly ever see you with them.”

He frowned up at her for a moment before returning his focus to the screen. “They cut down on blue light. I don’t need them to see, but I’ll get a headache if I stare at this screen for too long without them.”

“Are you sure it’s not for vanity? Like, so you look like an editor?”

“Is there a point to this, or can I get back to work?” He sounded frustrated, but judging by the way he was glaring at the screen and not at her there was a good chance his anger was reserved for the work he was editing.

“Go for it.” Well, if he was going to be focusing on his work instead of her movie, she wouldn’t ask for his opinion. She set up a period romance and stood to find snacks.

As she passed by him, she chanced a glance at his screen and then paused, transfixed by the sight before her. Was that…?

It was. Rowan was editing smut. In the same room as her, no less, with no visible embarrassment.

She couldn’t keep silent. “I’m surprised,” she said as Rowan startled in the chair before her. “You were reading this the whole time? With a straight face, no less.”

Rowan shrugged. “It’s part of the job. Usually it’s not mine, but I’m taking on a project for someone who’s on vacation right now.”

“Oh.” She supposed that made sense; even romance novels went though some amount of editing, and she supposed someone had to do that work. There was a difference, though, between knowing that objectively someone had to edit this sort of book and watching Rowan pull up an annotation in his file to write Breasts don’t work like this with angrily pressed keys.

As she read the passage that had irritated Rowan so, she laughed. “I mean, you’re right, but I’m surprised you just knew what was wrong with it.”

Rowan lifted an eyebrow, eyes not leaving the screen. “And why would that be? I may not have them, but I can assure you I’ve been in physical relationships with people who have. Anyone who’s seen them for longer than about five seconds should know that.”

Aelin choked on air, wheezing and clutching at the top of the armchair. Of course, she had known distantly that the odds Rowan had been completely celibate were low. He’d never brought anyone home, though, so she’d been able to put any thoughts of her once-hated roommate having sex out of her mind. Now she was being confronted with the knowledge that he had, and she didn’t know what to do with it.

Finally, she managed to speak. “I’m gonna make some tea. Do you want any?”

Again, he didn’t look up from his work. “That depends. Is operating the electric kettle within your skillset, or are you going to try to burn down the kitchen again?”

“Och! I don’t know why I offered,” she grumbled.

Before she could leave, though, Rowan reached up and grabbed her wrist, finally turning green eyes onto her. “I was teasing, and if you’re making tea and there’s extra I’ll happily accept it.”

As she watched, something softened in his expression, and she wordlessly nodded before fleeing to the relative safety of the kitchen before taking a deep breath. Yes, it was better in here. No roommate casually talking about sex. No stupidly attractive roommate lounging before her with those stupid glasses as he worked. Gods, she’d even forgotten to make fun of him for wearing glasses he didn’t strictly speaking need. She was a mess.

Yes, tea was the correct decision.

It was an easy enough process that even Aelin couldn’t mess it up, and soon boiling water was poured over two teabags in mugs. Shit, it hadn’t been nearly long enough; she wasn’t sure she was ready to face Rowan again.

But face him she would. He would be back to ignoring her soon enough, and she could survive a few moments of interaction before starting her movie. And so she took another deep breath before grabbing both mugs and walking back out into the living room.

Rowan smiled up at her as she delivered his. “Thank you.”

Gods, but that smile was too much after their earlier conversation. She managed a nod at him before practically fleeing back to her couch with her own mug of steaming tea and pressing play on her movie.

The familiar beats of one of her favorite movies began immediately, and she slowly relaxed into the pile of throw pillows and blankets she’d accumulated. As she’d predicted, Rowan turned his attention back to his work as soon as the movie began.

However, throughout the night she could’ve sworn on more than one occasion that his gaze strayed to her instead, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. For now, it would have to be one more thing to carefully not think about.

~*~*~

Tagging:

@ireallyshouldsleeprn @queen-of-glass @fangirlprincess09 @sassys-world @morganofthewildfire @superspiritfestival @perseusannabeth @sis-it-dont-add-up @jlinez @julemmaes @emilyoftheshadows @thegoddessofyou @mymultiversee @swankii-art-teacher @rowansfirebringer @rabodocardan- your tag isn’t working! Sorry!  @courtofjurdan @danibutterr @woollycat22

[antiterf]

I have a problem. For a little while when I was 16 (currently 17) I was a TERF. The ideology was appealing to me mostly because I was dysphoric and nobody I knew was supportive (i actually have some trauma associated with transphobia...) so it seemed easier to just... force myself to be cis and denounce trans identity altogether.

i did bad things. sometimes i'd send anon hate to trans women and i'd create entire google docs with links to anti trans stuff. ive began to believe everything they'd say, that trans activism is done for money and trans people are perverts that only identify with stereotypes. ive even began to slip these things in with conversations between my trans friends and i.

i just feel disgusting. i dont understand how i, a non-binary person, could have done that. i betrayed my own community. i dont know how i should deal with this.

I think the best thing to do here would be trying to harp on yourself to become a better person and never go back to that instead of sitting there thinking about how much you fucked up.

It can be whatever you can do. My partner personally likes to make positivity. I personally enjoy finding sources and information and informing people about different topics, so that’s why I have my Google Doc in my bio and why I may be working on another one about social rights in general. There are the arts as well. If you find yourself good at comforting people, just make sure that others are doing okay. A simple message of support during a rough spot can make all the difference to someone.

Of course, I recommend getting involved in anything in your community and in real life as much as possible too. From trying to donate to rights groups to getting more involved in your school GSA to getting some cheap stickers and sticking them on water fountains and such. If you want to get a little crazy then tell someone that what they said was wrong at the moment if they say something transphobic. The last one seems simple but can make a lot of people uncomfortable, nervous, and even feel unsafe so I can understand why someone wouldn’t do the last one... I know that if I want job security I should probably stop.

You can even try to make a strength out of your past experience. Speak up about why you went into the group, and what it taught you while there. What could have been different so that this could have been prevented. How did you think during that period and how did that affect your actions? You are surely not the first, and you are definitely not going the last person to go through this. Your perspective and experience matters and can help prevent other people like you from doing the same

Basically, the best thing to do right now is to use that shitty feeling for something good.

[all-hail-the-witcher]

every book i had to read for english and why i didn't like any of them

i woke up thinking about this and decided to make this post. for context, i went to public school and was on the honors/ap track for english. i am a firm believer that english teachers ruin books for their students inadvertently. this is my experience:

6th grade language arts

we read three books during 6th grade, bridge to terabithia, the cay, and where the red fern grows. and i had to read a wrinkle in time over the summer which i didn't understand like at all so I'm just gonna skip that one honors english was not a thing until 8th grade where i went to middle school so this was a regular english class and i hated it. it was also a double period class for some reason, so i had an hour and a half of language arts every day. 

it took us half the year to read bridge to terabithia. i am not kidding. that book is like maybe 100 pages and it took us a good 4-5 months. this is because our teacher stopped us every time we got to a pice of figurative language and made us analyze it. every. single. piece. i got so bored that i read ahead and then got in trouble for reading ahead. needless to say, i absolutely detested bridge to terabithia and would not touch it to this day if my life depended on it. 

after bridge to terabithia we read the cay. this took us the rest of the year. the cay is a relatively short book as well so i got bored with this one quickly as well. i really dont remember much about the discussions, but i remember a long one about how the cover was “inaccurate,” which, yes, it was but i dont know if a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds need to spend a week debating that. i think i hated it mostly because, again, we read it for 5 months. 

the last three weeks of the school year, our teacher gave us a book and said “here read this before school ends because we have to read three books a year and we only read 2″ (for context, the other language arts class had read about 5-7 books that year and found it insane that we were “still reading bridge to terabithia”) so i read where the red fern grows. all in all it wasn't a bad book, i did kind of enjoy it, but since i was rushed reading it on top of all my other homework and because it was definitely ahead of my reading comprehension level, it wasn't my favorite.

7th grade language arts

now, a bit of a disclaimer here, this was the year that i was in language arts with the guy i had a crush on and one of my close friends at the time. so, i didn't really pay that much attention to begin with. we read quite a few books in this class, but I'm not sure if i remember all of them. again, this was a double period. 

i think the first book we read was freak the mighty. i remember not liking this book because i felt like i was missing something. there was definitely some kind of metaphor or something in there that i was supposed to get but because i was literally twelve i didn't get it and i didn't find the meaning in it. theres nothing more frustrating than reading a book that you dont understand.

after that I'm pretty sure we read the wave. it was explained to us that the wave is supposed to symbolize how the n*zis came to power and all that stuff, and while we all knew this, i dont think we really Understood it. (probably because we were 12). we all kinda saw it as a joke and thought it was funny. i think that if i read it now i would be like. “well shit this is really interesting” but 12 year old me wanted to make fun of it with the rest of my class. 

i think we read seed folks next. this was another book that just went over all of our heads. its about how a garden changes a whole bunch of peoples lives which is like, super interesting. but none of us got it and were like “lol this is stupid” so much so that we actually stopped reading it. like my teacher stopped having us read it.

I'm fairly certain the last book we read was the miracle worker. a lot of us had had to read parts of it before that class so we were all kinda familiar with it already. i vaguely remember some kind of obnoxious class joke about the book that was probably rude. i remember finding it interesting, but there were so many activities we did about the book that i lost interest. 

8th grade honors reading

this class was A Trip. i liked the teacher, but she was a little out there. its unclear whether she got fired or just didn't come back after that year. i had a lot of fun in her class but it was usually because we all bonded over hating the assigned reading.

i dont remember what order we read the books in and i dont remember if this was all of them, but to the best of my recollection this is what we read

we definitely read romeo and juliet. by the time you're in 8th grade, everyone knows the story of romeo and juliet, so it wasn't like that suspenseful or a surprise or anything. but we had to act the reading out. yes we had to act out romeo and juliet. with burger king crowns. and wrapping paper swords. clearly the teacher was trying to have fun with us, and it was fun fun for awhile but it got old. especially when you got participation points taken off your grade if you didn't read for once of the characters (which is massively unfair because not everyone wants to get up in front of a class in a paper crown holding a wrapping paper tube and read in old english when you're 13 but whatever). 

we also definitely read animal farm. it was another book that went right over our heads (or, mine at least). i didn't actually really understand it until i had to read the communist manifesto for ap euro senior year. and our teacher talked in a bad russain accent the entire time? i could barely keep the characters straight, let alone analyze the underlying message and all that. now i might actually like it since I'm a history major and have a decent background on the russian revolution, but at 13? no thanks.

the one book that everyone hated (including the teacher herself) was farewell to manzanar. it was a memoir about a young girl growing up in the japanese internment camps and looking back on her life and stuff like that. the story itself was very interesting and we all learned a lot from it. but the person who wrote it did not know how to write. it was confusing, some chapters made no sense, and none of us generally knew what was going on. we had to finish the book because we were the honors class, but the regular class got to stop after chapter 6. 

i think we only read 4 books that year and the fourth one was the outsiders. this was one of two books that i actually liked the entirely of my public school education. i kinda vibed with it when we were reading it and then i vibes with it more once i got to high school and rediscovered it. it was just a good book, pretty solid, good themes, fantastic. 

9th grade honors english

i absolutely hated this class. hands down the worst teacher i ever had. she was one of those that should have retired 20 years ago but was still teaching for some reason. and she hated kids. legitimately. that was the first time i got a c and it took my parents a long time to realize that it wasn't because of me, it was because the teacher was absolute shit. the only thing that made that class bearable was the fact that my friend was in there and so was this guy that totally like her so he would flirt with her pretty incessantly and it was Hilarious. 

we read so many books that year and i hated all of them. a lot of them were like greek dramas and plays? like we read oedipus rex and julius caesar and antigone. and i hated all of them because the teacher made me hate reading and made it seem like a chore. 

by far the worst was the old man and the sea. i hated that book, hemingway was terrible. i struggled to find any kind of meaning in it and connected all of my responses to the bible because my teacher loved it when people did that.

we read inherit the wind and to kill a mockingbird and all quiet on the western front which were the only books i found remotely interesting. but i still hated them because i knew that we would have to do her reading quizzes which were impossible so it was pointless to read the book anyway. 

and we also read a raisin in the sun. i dont remember what this was even about except that there was some kind of insurance money involved. but by this point we were all really done with our teachers shit and my one friend legitimately said during class “but, ms. [name] if you put a raisin in the sun, doesn't it just get more raisiny?”

10th grade ap english language and composition (american lit)

i loved this class and the teacher but i hated all the assigned reading because we read it for the ap test. everything you read was in the context of having to find themes and shit to write about on the ap. so i didn't really get any of the books for that reason. i think we only read three and they were the scarlet letter, the crucible, and the great gatsby. i kind wish i paid more attention to gatsby and i think i would like it more now but at the time i detested it. we also had to read grapes of wrath over the summer and i hated that. i wanna read books to read them, not to come into school and write essays on them. also the ending was weird and i hated it.

11th grade honors (british lit)

another bad year of english, not quite as bad as freshman year, but still bad. still hated it. i outlined many fics in that class. the teacher did not like me and i did not like her. she also talked in this weird fake almost british but not quite accent that sometimes still haunts my nightmares. she was also one of those backwards feminists who claims they're a feminist but still was sexist in her favorites and the way that she treated people in the class?? after english i had math and my friend (the same girl who said the thing about raisins freshman year) and some others would complain to our math teacher about our english teacher. math was essentially a support group for english where we would discuss answers to reading checks. 

over the summer we read 1984, which, cool concept (esp right now) but i hated knowing that i had to find some kind of deep meaning in it because i was going to have to write an essay on it as soon as i came back to school.

from there i think we read beowulf which was interesting. i dont know if we actually read the whole thing or just excerpts but again, i hated looking for meaning.

we read a tale of two cities which was like the one book i actually wanted to read because i am a huge fan of the shadow hunters book serieses and will and tessa quote that book all the time. i think if i had read it to read it it would have been better but first, dickens is wordy and weird and second i dont really wanna have to search out symbolism while I'm reading because its required.

we read macbeth, which i just didn't like. idk why. i just kinda thought it was stupid. i dont really have an explanation for this one. i think it was because we read it in the old english and that confused me a lot of the time.

and we read jane eyre. the only thing i remember from jane eyre was “pathetic fallacy” which is where the mood of the scene is reflected in the weather. i dont wanna dissect a book like that. and also my teacher referred to the book as “jane” but she said it “jAAYYneeE” which was annoying. 

12th grade ap lit

dear god. this class. i had issues with this class. our teacher was something. everyone was afraid of him. e v e r y o n e. he ran detention and didn't know how to match his clothes and wore skinny ties. he had three swell bottles the he would bring with him to school every day. people claimed he used to be in a rock band and that was why his voice was so high pitched and weird. some said his wife left him, others said he had a kid. we were genuinely confused by him. he didn't teach, he yelled at you for doing things wrong without giving any instructions on how he actually wanted it done. he made college out to be some big scary thing where we would all be trampled. but mostly, he was an existentialist. 

we had to read song of solomon over the summer. i hated it. i didn't hate it because of the messages and all that stuff, no the book itself was good and toni morrison is a great author. i just hated the fact that there was graphic description of incest, necrophilia, or sex at least once every 5-10 pages. i didn't wanna read that. and it turned me off the book. so when he asked us if we liked the book when the year started i said no and i argued with him about it. and he hated me for the entire year. 

next i think we read waiting for godot. which was absolutely terrible. its literally a play where nothing happens. it would have been funny except that i knew i was gonna have to write an essay on it. how do you write an essay on a play where nothing happens? literally all of our discussions about it were about existentialism and it was terrible. 

we read the metamorphosis, which everyone hated cause it could have been written in like 4 sentences. and our teacher thought he was So Clever for assigning it to us. he thought it was the biggest joke. and he went on and on about how its about existentialism and blah blah. the book would have been funny had he not only discussed it in regards to existentialism. 

i think next was hamlet. i would have like hamlet had we not discussed it only through the lens of existentialism. its a good play, but i hated it because of the way he talked about it. even now, i only like it to make fun of the way he liked it. my friend and i send hamlet memes to each other all the time but only cause they remind us of our teacher.

one flew over the cuckoos nest. the second and final book that i actually liked my entirety of school. i dont know why i liked it, but it was just a good book. our teacher also had some kind of weird cowboy trope thing that he thought mcmurphy fell under which i thought was hilarious. the essay i wrote on that book was the only one he wrote “nice job” on and i still have it somewhere

my friend claims that we also read the stranger. i dont really remember what that book was about except some guy shot some people. there was definitely something in it that i didnt get. 

anyway in conclusion required reading ruins books. when i told my creative writing advisor that i out of all the books i read for school i only like the outsiders and one flew over the cuckoos nest she was like “yeah, english teachers really ruin books for students”

[shannananan]

we dont talk enough about the short period of time where Ron was also an Auror. that time post-war where Ron and Harry realize they don’t have a world-ending deadline on their heads anymore but it feels wrong to just go back to sports and regular life. With Hermione finishing her studies they’re a little lost without her with them every day, Ron especially. Harry mentions he’s going to continue his goal of being an Auror and the Ministry is happy to have him. Ron... hadn’t really thought about it all. They went from schoolmates with an affinity for mortal peril rule-breaking to wanted fugitives in the span of a year. He figures if he can survive that, he can handle whatever the ministry throws at him (I mean there’s no more You-Know-Who, how bad could it be?). Harry’s ecstatic to have his partner in crime with him. They train, they study ministry policies, they lean on each other when they forget protocols or some dull meeting with the head Aurors. They’re full of fire and frenzy to get back out and do some good. 

It’s a shock to the system to have to do everything by the books. They can’t go rogue and do whatever the hell they want to catch a former death eater. They both get called in to private meetings to discuss “not letting their emotions get the best of them” on missions. They realize very quickly how much Hermione led the way for them. For every battle and thug brought in, there’s so much paperwork and background research that bookends a case. Harry starts to fall into a pattern, the payoff of righting wrongs is worth the long nights at the desk. He doesn’t agree with everything the ministry does, but he’s doing what he loves and someday maybe he’ll be able to change the rules.

Ron, on the other hand, starts to lose his passion. Any part of the day spent at a desk, he finds himself watching the clock tick by. Missions start giving him anxiety and he doesn’t know why. He wonders if he should ask Harry if he’s experienced that feeling, but surely he’s never felt that, he’s the Great Harry Potter after all. Anxiety turns into dread which turns into sleepless nights which turns into mistakes. Where Harry is starting to thrive, Ron is starting to falter. He thinks of quitting, but he doesn’t know anything else. Ministry work is steady work which is steady income - something Ron has never experienced. How can he walk away from that? 

Hermione is the first time break the topic out loud. Ron’s mood has become sullen and his quips are more sarcastic than humourous. She asks him if he’s happy. He holds her hand and says of course. She doesn’t fall for it. He gets defensive. They fight. Harry doesn’t get why Ron and Hermione are suddenly on a break. They’re both too exhausted to explain it to him. 

Ron can’t bare living under the same roof as his mother anymore. Every day when he and his dad come home from the ministry, she dotes over him checking for any scratches or bruises. He knows she spends a good part of her day looking at the family clock to see if his name has gone back to ‘mortal peril’. He tries to reassure her that he’s been on desk duty and his biggest threat is a paper-cut. He doesn’t tell her that he’s been pulled from most missions for being distracted and causing more potential risk. Molly continues to fret regardless. Ron hates that his own mother doesn’t believe in him enough to handle himself. He hates that she spends all her time visiting George, trying to make him eat and cleaning his flat for him, and then she come back to the Burrow and dumps all that worry on to Ron.

That’s when an idea to kill two birds with one stone starts to formulate. With Harry constantly working late, he barely notices Ron clocking out promptly at the end of the day. Ron tells his dad that he’s got a big case so he has to work late for a while and he’ll meet him at home. Instead, Ron makes his way to Diagon Alley. He still has the key to the shop and the above flat that Fred gave him when they were on the run, a safehouse if they needed it. Dust and cobwebs line every surface and most of the lights don’t work. George barely acknowledges Ron when he enters the flat. Ron starts updating him on his life despite the lack of invitation to make himself comfortable. He tells him that he’s an Auror at the ministry, not that he would have noticed, holed up in this dump. Ron’s developed a strong backbone with talking to George this way now. He bluntly tells George that he is making their mother sick with worry and that Ron gets the brunt of it. And if George can’t be enough of a decent human to get his shit together for their own mother, he needs a babysitter. Ron needs to get out of the Burrow and George has a perfectly good extra empty bed here that no one is using. This finally sparks George awake. He starts throwing hexes at Ron who puts his Auror skills to good use. He was waiting for it, poking the sleeping dragon until it erupted. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but it was the right thing to do.

This continues for a while, Ron going to George’s after work. Ron getting thrown out of George’s with various curses and traps being set to stop him from entering. He returns to the Burrow many evenings with boils in unmentionable places. It could feel like torture to some, but Ron laughs with every new challenge he’s met with. Because it means that George has a purpose again, even if that purpose is keeping Ron out. Finally, one night Ron arrives to the door unlocked, no magical trips or triggers. Just George sitting on the floor holding an old, unbranded but unmistaken box of puking pastilles. One from their formative experimental years, George mutters. He found the box while looking for a portable swamp kit, before remembering that it took two people enchanting the kit for it to work.

Ron moves in to George’s flat. It’s not sunshine and rainbows. Living with George is hell. But Ron starts to feel like he has something worth doing in his life again. His brother is not a charity case, Ron needs this change as much as George. Through the transition of moving his small amount of things, Ron hopes this will bring the spark back to his work as an Auror. Maybe this will inspire him to get back out into the field with Harry and turn things around in his career. Instead, he finds himself exhausted from sleepless nights with George who wakes up screaming or gets himself drunk before Ron leaves for work in the morning. He starts poking around the dusty shop as an escape and finds himself uncovering old notes and ideas from Fred and George’s back office. He starts doodling his own ideas in the corners of his parchments at work.  

Ron is nearly two years into his job when he asks to meet with his supervisor. Harry’s moving his way up the ladder, not without his own challenges, but he dedicates his life to his work, especially with Ginny going abroad trying out for Quidditch teams. Ron has fallen into an unfortunate habit of being ten minutes late for work nearly every day to avoid taking the same route as Hermione into the office as she starts her job as junior assistant in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. This place doesn’t belong to Ron and he doesn’t belong here. Harry seems to be the only one in his whole department that seems shocked by Ron’s departure. Ron can’t help but laugh at Harry’s complete obliviousness sometimes. He knows Harry or Ginny will pass the news on to Hermione, not that she’ll care after how he left things. 

It’s another eight months before the Weasley Wizard Wheezes shop doors open again. George refused to look at the old notebooks for months, while Ron started pouring over them and tinkering with some of the twins’ old ideas. George started to notice Ron experimenting and had to save him from himself on a number of occasions before something exploded or removed Ron’s hair permanently. Exasperated, he’d step in and fix a potion or a trinket until it worked while Ron stepped back and let George work in his element. George knew what Ron was doing, he hated him for it, but he begrudgingly started to scribble down his ideas again. A vision started to form for the potential the store still held. Ron had to call in a few favours with friends and family to get everything fixed up in time before the new school year when they’d have the biggest influx of customers. Harry had made a bargain with most of the Auror Department that he’d do all their paperwork for a week if they brought their families for opening day (Hermione agreed to work late with him to make sure it was actually done properly). George is quiet and lets Ron do most of the sales, but when a small witch asks him what made a simple deck of cards magical, he starts to show off some muggle magic tricks, gathering a crowd of young eyes. Molly spends most of the day in tears, Arthur having to hustle her into the back office as she was scaring off customers. 

Harry, George and Ron are clearing up the last of the days festivities in the back office when they hear the front door open with the bell. In all the bustling they’d forgotten to lock the door when they closed. Ron runs out to politely tell the customer they’ve closed up shop for the day. After a number of minutes, Harry and George realize Ron hasn’t come back yet. They peak out to see Hermione awkwardly standing in the middle of the shop, Ron leaning against the service desk, both talking quietly. George snorts and goes back to the office, saying he’ll put the kettle on as this might be a while. Harry smirks, as he takes in the scene. Despite the work ahead, Ron was in his element, he’d found his place, something he was proud of and entirely his own. 

-

welp that took a turn. All of this because of a great moment of Aurors Ron and Harry that @blvnk-art illustrated found here.

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect�� day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[isthisapoetry]

the world is ending and i have to sit in class

i don't want to live here anymore i have to pay to keep living i have to get a job ill hate and live unhappily my plan was to go to art college because i love art i don't want to be in student debt water falls from the sky and yet people still die of thirst it is just an accepted fact it shouldn't be the norm im filled with anger at every unfair thing in the world my parents say i dont get to be jaded because i have an easy life im still angry why is healthcare so expensive? if you cant pay for it they just let you die i hate it here sure, america is ok well actually it isn't we live on stolen land, there is systematic racism, homelessness is through the roof, the government is pandering to companies, people are starving and the government spends all its money on military equipment so they can go bomb other countries for their oil, why is the minimum wage so low?  when people say this isn't the america i know! this isn't us! yes it is. when have we ever been good? as a country? no we fucking haven't, don't kid yourself.  there have been times where america is enjoyable for some  but their happiness has always ridden on the backs of dying people during biden's inauguration, i wasn't excited i was relieved, for a moment  but then i realized that not much was gonna change they will smooth other small issues, not making big changes for fear of people being outspoken god forbid they change the minimum wage in a short period of time! lets do it over five fucking years they said god i hate it here i won't capitalize america i won't say the pledge (ill stand during it so the teachers don't look at me funny) is that disrespectful? yes thats the point. i don't want to pledge my allegiance to something i don't believe in.  america is beautiful! they say, think of the rivers and mountains! that isn't america thats just land that we stole that we are destroying for money my history textbook i want to burn it and dance around the fire never once do they badmouth america or tell the truth its always a watered-down version so they can force-feed it to us easier i am filled with anger and it has nowhere to go i cant make a change (not much anyway) im too busy doing pointless tasks in school so i can be rewarded with a stupid number so hopefully one day when im living by myself i will have an okay job so i don't die how is no one else as angry as me? how can people just look at millionaires and then look at the homeless and global warming and just everything that is wrong that we created and just say well, thats just how it is no that isn't how it is it should be different  we should be doing something about this! and yet im so tired i don't want to try i just want to sit in my room and listen to music and cry because i feel so tired and i know that i cant help a lot i cant save all of it so is it pointless to try? should i try to save the world or should i try to save myself

[castlehead]

makeshift feels from the opinion lab

kafka wrote in a journal urhmherm of being limited to prague, then his room, then his bed, then nothing at all. to be limited at last to nothing at all. well. turns out i guess the most kafkaesque sentiment came from franz kafka.

enjoi ya rickety gethsemane while it is still to be dreamed, young writers, young writers of youth.

after a job on a hot day back in april or may or something i started listening to this while walking out of the truck towards the gas station convenience store and abruptly pivoted away from the sliding doors to sneak around the side and weep near the green fencing around some boilers. it occurred to me how little i could ever forgive myself for doing.

the shit ive done, all of it, i havent forgiven myself. if i did it and it was bad, or even meagre, dumb, really no big deal, bet yr ass it still keeps me from thinking i deserve happiness. i do not forgive myself for anything ive ever done. no deed is too temporal to etch itself cleanly into my head as something unforgivable, if only it makes a small point.

i know this is true because no joy i ever feel is felt fully, because i do not think it is deserved; and because i allow myself to be joyous only when i think of the truth of my unforgiven, unforgivable state. never to be. Never will.

and that is what is depression.

There must be something here, in me. Here where the jackals caterwAul Like streetcats Mewing their gizzard After this night’s heat, What’ll it be Jackals, Buzz off, shit man

i feel like the key to life is knowing that 90 percent of anxiety & depression, either in degree or in its truth, and at least somewhere not wracked by war, is unsubstantiated (the ten percent being actual crises, like fear of violence, a death in the family, etc). The problem is how persuasive these feelings can be that lead to the fulfillment of the very fear or solidifying the reason for being depressed. But with positive feelings, the least thing, whether true or no, can always be rewarding. A bit of happiness must be allowed to be felt, indiscriminately, because it is more useful to us than a bit of sadness. Take the fierce dialectic u use to establish a depressing ‘truth’ and persuade yourself of something good. If one is far fetched, let it be the something bad. Until it happens, after all, all of it remains in your head, to do with what u will.

You don’t get to lower taxes on the rich and gut social services at the same time. The reason social services are in place is to provide a fair shake for john q public. Mostly investors are feeling the benefits of the corporate tax cut. They’re not giving the money towards a better product that would help the people. but one day there will be no sesame seeds on the bun of yr Big Mac and you’ll wonder how that’s possible with an entire sesame seed dept that just got a pay raise.

tax reform should be done to help a free market, so that the rich can be poor and the poor rich. Taxation helps the people so that social services become less necessary. Social services were developed because the percentage of taxation was unequal between higher and lower class. Poor folks felt the pain while rich folks shrugged it off.

Thats why I say you can’t do both: social services are a protection against the world being entirely controlled, if it’s not already, by those from the very swamp this president wants to drain. T**** hasn’t drained shit.

i feel like writing takes over for your thought process. You can’t think and write at the same time, or something. something turns off or it switches where it’s doing the shit it’s doing to a different place, like yr hands. I don’t think you can write down one linear thought with another thought being thought in your head. This is why people say their mind goes blank in extended periods of inspiration. The functioning has gone from being untethered and temporal, ie wandering thoughts, notions, speculating, to being possessed in a focused place, ie yr hands, which usually leads to a more focused expression of perhaps a thought of particular value, enough in the first place to require writing down. But tho this can be easy for some talented people, who might, as Joyce said, polish their nails while writing some genius thing, what does not come easy for anybody, because it is imposssible, is thinking two disparate things, of the everyday and of some behemoth philosophic concept, for example, without either one taken place after or before; or, one of them being intermittently disturbed, tho linearly, by the other, like a notification on yr phone- until at last one of the two breaks down, and the foxus superseded by the one left. This is especially novel. One thinks; one does not think and also think. That would make it two people in one head. Therefore we can presume that ones identity is found in the unity, or internal focus, of their story in thoughts down one narrow wire: thought can cross many paths and examine everything under and beyond th sun, but per person it is still in the singular. It cannot divide into two simultaneous paths of equal focus. there can be multilayered thoughts with a similar core concept behind them, and these can be thought simultaneously as much as one can ante up and dole out shades of emotion and shades of thought, and so on. But I cannot think of a teleological explanation for all creation and with the same focus Apply myself to letters in the mail. There is a dominant voice, and the rest, the mundane voice, is seen thru that lens.

ya cant say yr colorblind then gripe about people hatin ya cuz u r white. contradiction of terms no? if you really didnt see color, ud say people hated yr ass because yr a damnfool entrylevel, grunt-ass lowbrow. not because of the color of ya skin, which ya recognized and put to the forefront in making that very statement.

feel like uh, a priori is not intuition alone. Intuition is a function of the mind, while a priori is, if I understand Kant correctly, a representation synthesized before there is an object of focus available for the senses to interpret, ie an essentially true conclusion drawn, that has no need for a combined manifold, as, Kant tells us, is offered by merely living in space and time: time to extend and progress from cause to effect to cause, and space to do it in. In other words, intuition is cognitive- psychological, and a priori, theoretical- logical.

Pathos is the one thing most divine about people, for i see that in my worst state I can still grieve for the savaging of life’s last hope, and be uplifted, feel tears, at least for a little blessed while. There is no state so low that does not inspire one to at least pity themselves, and feel the comfort of passions, however mistaken or wretched the person.

i feel that / Some subjects do not even allow to be proved through the scientific method, yet they are still issues of a scientific nature and not just mysticism. the line is very thin however, since usually these subjects devolve into mysticism. In fact, if science only worked with that which could be proven, from the outset or otherwise, we’d have a pretty limited roster of discoveries. Sometimes discoveries can be made along the way towards proving; sometimes, discoveries can be made, scientifically, thru means that for lack of anything better, are entirely theoretical. And sometimes the search is not to prove something true but to clarify something. Science is not out to be incontrovertible.

The man in mismatched sox inhaled not as deeply as he would have liked at such a crescendo, even if on the third listen in a row, then, looked up at the massive pure blue upwards, cloudless, felt likely to cry for joy, but in the end simply mouthed the words:

“I’m gonna die of loneliness, fo sho.”

So often doth trespass our intuition upon realms and pathways of a more intimate enumeration of cause and effect than could be available to any witness, and that is available only to the actioning of objects involved in the event seen and analyzed by what and who were no player.

The crisis paid goodbyes in the form of telling your ass off, is what he said. But we all knew he thought he was merely a parable often enough already. We didn’t listen to the crisis, deliberately shut our ears like boxing them very slowly ourselves before anyone else could. Later in the year many terrible events would occur that were the direct result of ignoring his words. But nobody came around to believing he did it. The crisis was way off teaching prophecies someplace probably foreign. But if I refuse to be confined to learning from my own folly I should at least give the follies of others a chance. Fatass karma, and more hell than handbasket.

What the crisis he said was

HEY YOU DONT WANT TO FACE JACK, FACE? TELL ME ABOUT HOW CRUELTY CAN BE ELEGANT AGAIN. YOU ARE FACING NO SUCH BURDEN OF SIMPLY LIVING. TELL ME WHAT HALLUCINATIONS ARE, YOU SWOLLEN, DYSPEPTIC SHIT.

And to this day All I remember is him Looking slain already Like he’d be on the slab In days Or even hundreds of years from then And it’d be how, uh, how He looked then Slamming the door While my sister and things Was gatherin they buckets for weeping later In that queer disease of spite where You grieve for the vanquished enemy.

all triumph is in some sense humorous, for in itself triumph is the opposite of tragedy. that is why the soldier laughs as he shoots at a retreating enemy. there is an element of rowdiness that is somewhat comedic, taken in itself.

Numbers are the only symbols that stand for what they are. In this way they are more like hieroglyphs

is bed porn a thing? it should definitely be a thing.

THIS LIFE IS FILLED WITH DARKNESS THIS DARKNESS IS SO LIGHT GOD IN HEAVEN QUA SKY MUST BEAT WINGS TO KEEP ON GROUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND. No symbols where none intended etc etc

No art is permanent, in that its aims in being created do not last, do not translate between epochs. I will never experience Homer as one living in Ancient Greece. Have not closely read Homer, but when I do it will be as myself in my time, with all the sullying context of those years from then to now only left to unguide me.

Kierkegaard tricks you into thinking he knows his insanity is illogical, the side effect of writing his labyrinths. The frightening moment comes when you realize how fiercely logical his insanity seems to him, and how insane the World actually is, and you wonder if it is that you do not understand it or just do not accept it.

[that-transformers-fan]

I consider myself pretty lucky compared to the things that some parents put their kids through but I still barely ever talk to my parents and once I am financially able to move out that conversation amount will probably be non existent.

I've had my own room since I hit double digits the only time I ever had to share after was when we first moved and our house was being renovated. I didnt mind (despite the fact that I really didnt want to move but they made me anyway. I was like 11 I couldnt actually do anything. I still lost all my friends tho) because I did get my own room.

As the oldest I got my electronics first. I was cool with this, I didnt really have a curfew at all. They could see my search history and get into my tablet but it made sense because it was specifically made for kids (and I knew the password to the settings so it didnt really do much. If they didnt want me in dont tell me the password...)

I got my first phone, kinda crappy but still workable. I was fine with this. I could call and text and stuff. They didnt put any sort of monitoring stuff on it and almost never touched it or looked at it.

So considering all this I had it pretty good. I had privacy, food, wifi (even though it literally sucked. We live in the middle of nowhere) but something happened that made them not trust me. And I can pinpoint the exact thing that triggered it. I havent trusted my parents since either. It might seem kinda dumb but it meant alot to me.

So I had woken up with a kinda sore throat, didnt change my voice much but it made it harder to talk. It got kinda worse over the next few days and such but it wasn't a big deal cause I didnt like my teachers and so I didnt talk much in class anyway.

But the thing was, I had choir every morning and I (was in middle school so near with me here) was a soprano. The second highest soprano actually. Able to hit some pretty high notes. Not exactly good for my voice though. So I was singing one day and my voice fucking cracked and then after that just kinda refused to fully work (like I couldnt speak at full volume and it kept fading out on me). I lost my voice. Everyone heard it and my choir teacher let me sit out.

Skip to my literature class. This teacher hates me and plays favorites like nobody's business. And my parents knew this but there wasnt much they could do. But she calls on my to read and I tell her to the best of my abilities that I lost my voice and so I couldnt really read. She calls me a liar and then makes me sit out in the hall for the rest of the class period and I get no points for the day.

After school I go out to the car and apparently i spoke at my regular volume? I dont remember doing this at all, cause I couldnt. But when I tell him that I lost my voice he basically says I need to stop lieing and that my teacher had emailed him earlier that day to tell him what I did. He doesnt believe me, my mom doesnt believe me. They all listened to someone that they knew didnt like me.

They took my phone away and told me that I wasn't going to get it back until I went to a therapy appointment. Cue days of crying, cause fuck, my parents dont believe me. Apparently I'm a delinquent now. I had never even been close to needing a therapist and because they made me go to this certain one that told my parents everything I dont trust them at all, even though I probably need one now.

They stopped knocking on my door and instead just barged into my room. They would randomly turn off the wifi when I needed it or was talking to friends (we lived far out so it was rare that I got to see them outside of school). Whenever I expressed interest in pursuing something they would always put it down with words of "you'll never get anywhere in life with that" or "we dont want you to do that (it was art! My dad had a masters in it! Come on!)" Or "is that what your going to do for a career (i was like 13, I'm 18 now and STILL dont know what I want to do)" and just several other phrases and things that made not want to talk about my interests.

I stopped leaving my room as much and whenever I did i would come down "*scoff* look who decided to finally join us". Doenst make me want to come down much mother.

Then skip a few years of this. Still pretty bad. Mom makes me get a job. I'm 14 so it makes sense. Is that working for my grandparents company, living at their house on the weekends. I have a laptop by now that I can use as well. They decided to put monitoring programs on it. Like the ones that send reports daily.theyput this on my phone and laptop and when they left my grandparents I broke down crying. I was their daughter, they should know that I wouldnt look up porn or any of that stuff. Cause I didnt, had no interest in doing it. Ever.

It hurt, alot. They didnt trust me. So I didnt trust them. Especially the next summer when my mom would lock me out of my room during the day because I hadn't found a job yet. I had no safe space. No place where I could do stuff on my devices or text friends where she wouldnt be looking of my shoulder or trying to see the screen. As soon as the time where I was allowed back in my room came around (5pm) I would go to my room and I would stay there for the rest of the day. My parents wouldnt see me till the next morning. They would try to make me come out but I point blank wouldnt. They took my safe space from me so I took my presence from them.

The year before is when I started to self harm. The next year was when I seriously was debating suicide.

Year passes and I'm finally allowed to switch schools. Pretty great but I start getting a shit ton of pressure from my parents for everything from my grades (I had straight A's) to why I always wanted to stay after school (it's not like we went home. We usually stayed in town fro the evening at my moms rentals. I feel like she should have focused more attention on my brother who had straight F's). I started to self harm again.

Then I debated joining the army, got half way through before I lost interest because all anyone wanted to talk about was my enlistment, had I called in to make sure I had all the forms filled out, did I do this, or that, or this thing, or that thing? It became a chore instead of something I was interested in doing. So I quit.

That go really really long and rambly....

Anyway my point was that parents

You dont always know what's best for your kid. Let them enjoy what they enjoy.

Let them have time to themselves. Give them fucking privacy!

Dont answer every interest with 5 million + questions. It's going to make it seem like a chore.

Respect your child and they will respect you. Just because their your child doesnt mean they automatically have to respect you. That's earned

And if you believe someone who your child has expressed discomfort in being around, over your own child? You can say goodbye to the trust you had because they will NEVER fully trust you again. You believed someone who in no way should have had precedence over you child (even if it's an authority figure. Not all authority figures are squeaky clean) and so you betrayed that trust, teaching them to hide from you and keep things from you and stay away from you. You brought this upon yourself.

I havent had a comfortable conversation with my parents in almost 6 years now. Havent trusted them at all for 4. And now if I dont get a job and pay a rent I'm getting kicked out of my house.

Your kids need a safe place for themselves and if you can give them that safe place and that trust that they deserve than what the actual fuck are you doing with kids.

Thank you for coming to my God damned Ted Talk (rant)

[literaryfaeriecorner]

1/29/21: community, love, and... well, really nothing

link to original post

January 29th, 2021

today i was thinking about how even in the midst of really terrible shit, there's still some really amazing things that can and do happen.

i hate my job with a passion that literally no one around me can understand. back before the pandemic, teaching in the charter system that i work at gave me constant nightmares and panic attacks. i think i have mild PTSD, actually. seriously. after everything went remote, i found some degree of relief. my nightmares happen less frequently, i tend to have less panic attacks, working from home allows me more physical comfort (no one is forcing me to stand on my feet for 10 hours straight), and it's relatively easier to tweet on the job, lol. however, it's still a big point of misery for me. i feel disrespected by my superiors (i literally got cursed out the other week for a logistical mistake that wasn't even my own), my boss-boss hates me, someone leaked screenshots of an instagram post i made last summer about the state of the education system and the charter network i work for took it as some kind of personal attack and i had to answer for it (weird), and i am one of the most underpaid people in my teaching cohort. they explain this away by saying i don't "meet certain data points," and i dont do this and i neglect to do that but i do just as much work if not more than my coworkers... so. anyway, i just want to get out. i hate it. very badly. my job is one of the main causes of my depressive episodes. i'm only still there because i have rent to pay and i also don't want to leave my kids in the middle of the school year... i absolutely would if i got a new job but it would cause me a bit of agony...

anyway, even in the midst of all that negativity and depression and terribleness... i am strangely glad that i ended up there. today, after one of my most taxing classes (it's not exactly a difficult group of students to teach... i just teach them after two other back-to-back classes and by that point i'm drained and absolutely numb in the brain), two of my coworkers jumped on my zoom link to tell me about a mini scandal they happened upon yesterday.

one of my kids' parents is using her daughter's school-issued laptop to sext with some obviously-catfish internet guy behind her husband's back! they discovered this while using our school's device-monitoring program to make sure the kids weren't cheating during a practice exam. the story and screenshots and talk of next-steps were certainly all hilarious and fun and a nice reprieve from a long, tireless day of remote teaching/chasing after kids/grading terrible fucking papers/getting blamed for everything negative under the sun, but the thing i'm most grateful and feeling blessed for is... community. just sitting on a locked zoom call with two other young women talking trash, shooting the shit, gabbing, sharing scandalous information, dramatically reading corny sexts between two older people was absolutely rejuvenating. it felt like being in middle school or high school again. sitting at a table with your friends after a long morning of classes and just talking shit and hanging out and making sure that everyone was good and could make it through another afternoon of the same old tired, boring, draining, depressing shit. it felt good. and i felt grateful. i no doubt would've slipped into self-pity mode which includes scrolling twitter even though no one has anything good to say, snacking on an unholy amount of girlscout cookies, and napping for the last ten minutes of my break before going into another excruciatingly long period of teaching european history (yuck!).

the thing i hate most about the pandemic is that i am missing out on community. i miss going to bars and clubs and parties by myself and plunging into a room full of people who are also open to meeting someone new, getting into something exciting, running away from home. my favorite part of last school year was getting off of work and heading to dinner with a date, or a friend's house for drinks, or to a book signing or art and culture event. just running around nyc for as long as i could, having as much fun as i could, with as many people as i could before the clock struck 12 and i would have to get up in the morning and play the role of boring, underpaid single female middle school teacher again. now, it feels like i can never escape that role. it feels like my entire life is about being a teacher and being abused and underpaid and stupid and lame and underappreciated. i miss my communities and the identities i found within them.

that's why i was so grateful to my coworkers. for a period of 30 - 35 mins or so, i wasn't just a teacher. i was a friend, a gossip, an asshole, a bitch, a silly girl, a person. a whole person. and i hardly ever feel like a whole person anymore. the four walls of my room don't seem big enough to fit a whole person. just a teacher. just a student. just a failure. just a fuck-up.

i love love. i know they're just my coworkers but i'd be lying if i said i didn't love them. i was also thinking, today, about how people are only in our lives for seasons. and sometimes we know this. like, for example, i know that if i got a job at a new place right this moment (fingers crossed, from this blog to God's ears!!!) that i would leave and probably never hear or speak to any of my coworkers again. and i was thinking how i was ok with this. it wouldn't diminish my love for them in any way or make me feel like i need to find some way to keep them around forever... it just is what it is. i can love them and still know that we aren't meant to be together for too long. we got each other through this hellhole of a job without killing ourselves and that's enough for a lifetime, to be honest.

i was supposed to write all these thoughts way earlier but He messaged me on instagram. He replied to a post of mine talking about WandaVision and apologizing for not texting back last saturday... since this is my blog and im basically anonymous, i'm not ashamed to say that seeing his name pop up on my phone is enough to send me over the moon... especially when it's unexpected and unprompted... he's such a bozo though and i basically let him know... i am a big believer in honesty and eagerness but sometimes a little cool is needed. i brushed off his apology and let him know he was sorry as fuck all the time and then congratulated him on being the kind of person who gets to say "i was just overwhelmed because the judge fucked us over and now i'm working until midnight for the next week." that's probably weird but what can be better than having a job that you like, doing something that you love and that is DEFINITELY helping your career... that's more than what some people have... (i am some people, unfortunately, but i'm looking at getting out of being such a fucking loser)

umm.. it's 1AM now and i have another long, tireless day of being a fucking superhuman aka teacher tomorrow so i'm going to go to bed but i feel like i didn't blog right because i didn't have a clear beginning, middle, end and proper sign off and i know i'm being silly and blogs don't always have to be like that but that's how i feel... but i have to go so that's how it's gonna have to be. i just wanted to write my thoughts down and update my blog because i'm trying to keep my promises to myself in 2021. if i don't keep promises to myself... how will i get anything done?

also He just messaged me back again :) and i have to stare at the message for AT LEAST 30 mins before i can settle into sleep mode.

until next time.

[naizamayg]

forty-eight letters to the moon

Some say if you live in outer space you don’t grow old as fast as people do on earth. That’s why I want to send these letters to the moon, so these words, these feelings and these memories would hopefully last longer than our time on earth. Dear Joshua, thank you for being the most responsible/most concerned student in our class. We sometimes tease you about it but we actually really admire that about you. Not everyone can speak up for what’s right, not everyone is as brave as you. Dear Cj, you’ve changed a lot but I’m not saying it in a negative way. We all change and that’s just normal. You changed in some negative ways but in positive ways also. You still get mad easily (to others) but atleast you don’t get mad at me that easily now hahaha, but that’s who you are. That made you the CJ in our room. Hope to see that scowl on your face gone the next time we see each other in years time. I hope you find your peace within. Dear Kenneth, You’re probably one of the most creative person i’ve met. You can make anything from scrap into art. You make wonderful stories and films that is not just a classroom pride but a school wide pride. You make a lot of us laugh in a daily basis, though sometimes you go overboard but I’m cool with it since I’m not easily offended but remember, it might affect others. I don’t know anything about you besides this joke-generating-out-of-the-box-minded person you are. Someday I wish to know about who you really are because ik everyone is more than what they show in class. Dear Ronnie, The ever late secretary hahaha just kidding. You have an incredible way to express words you read and I was amazed by our readers’ theatre performance on how you stole the spotlight. You should try and apply as a radio broadcaster in your school next year and join orations or declamations. Don’t be afraid of the thought of losing or no one supporting you. I would always be there somewhere in the crowd cheering for you. Dear Laurence, You have a reputation of having cold heart in our room. IDK if this is just a front or this is just really you but sometimes in rare occasions I can feel that your heart warms up. That sometimes you laugh too hard, smile too wide and give too much and I notice it and I think that’s the better version of Laurence that everyone might not see but I see it and I hope you try and show that to other people more often. Dear Aaron, I’m not gonna live happily if I dont get this out of my chest, Aaron sorry. Talking about you behind your back, not believing some words you say and just being rude to you. You probably noticed by now, you’re a smart observer anyway but I also want to say that some of us think you’re sometimes too arrogant they’re not wrong tho but sometimes you are someone who is nice to talk to especially relating to anime we have some bad sides in us and you can’t help that people would think and talk about your bad sides and ik it sounds ugly but it’s the truth again I’m sorry if I ever hurt you in some way bc ik you have never hurt me. Dear Freidrich, The only thing that pops up in my head is LASHES. I lowkey wanna steal them lol. Anyway, you’re a really good and smart person I still can’t believe you perfected the individual quiz bee during high school day. Isa kang tunay na #nofear. Dear Karlos, I remember you as the quiet smart boy in the class back in elementary and you still are. I hope you speak up sometimes bc ik you have a lot of ideas and stories to tell but maybe I’m just not there in times you do tell them. You’re sometimes made fun of in your group of friends and not gonna lie, I sometimes laugh with them but idk if you get hurt when they do or not but if you do I’m sorry and I hope you tell them when they say too much and that you feel suffocated if they do that. Dear Daryll, You are such a comfortable person to be with that’s probably bc you’re a Sagittarius. You always smile when people get mad at you and I find that very funny yet admirable how can you be so strong to not even lose your smile when people downgrade you. I hope to see that smile again it’s such a refreshing image and I hope you never let anyone make you falter that smile. Dear Harvey, I wrote this after the mapeh periodic test and after knowing my results in research and idk why in those moments you were there??? Idk but yeah I didn’t review anything about mapeh but you helped me and when I was upset (even tho i was smiling shonga ko) bc of my grade in research you were brave enough to tell me you have a lower grade than me idk if it was to comfort me but thank you. Dear Emil, you are probably the most “friendly” person I have met but I’m not bothered of how touchy you get bc I honestly don’t care hahahaha. But it just shows that you’re a comfortable, nice companion. Dear Ryan, I honestly don’t know what to write to feel or to say or what kind of friendship we have. We fight about the most nonsensical things but also don’t hate each other. Sorry if sometimes I joke too much to the point (if ever) that i hurt you. It’s not intentional I promise. It’s just probably bc we have a clashing immature personalities. Dear Jonard, I only knew you for a year but I felt really close to you we both like haikyuu and volleyball so ig it wasn’t hard to approach you and you being my table mate was a plus. I miss being your table mate btw but it’s your decision to sit wherever you want hahaha. Dear johnroe, keep writing and writing you’re amazing really you’ve proven that writing is a form of art and I admire that just do what you love and surround yourself with positivity. Dear felmar, you are so talented, smart and kind you have a big heart and an open mind and thank you for being you. We need more people like you in the class to avoid fights and misunderstandings you’re really the Mr. President of the anti-bullying club Dear Whesley, you have a short temper probably shorter than me (get it?) And a selfish attitude (sometimes) but even tho you’re not the kindest person, I don’t think you deserve to be disrespected to the point of not cheking your papers on tests but I hope you don’t plot revenges. It would only grow hatred on you. Try to be nicer and thank you for teaching me how to play chess hahaha. Dear Timi, sometimes you’re too impractical and it ruins you but you have a good heart who desires to help others and I think that’s enough thank you for taking care of us Mr. President. Dear Yran, I was once a crybaby (still think I am even tho I rarely cry) but I know how wonderful it feels after crying after letting it all out and I just want to say just be a cry baby all you want. Don’t listen to what other people tell you or to what they will think about you. Let yourself cry let yourself feel, let yourself be human. Dear Darylle, you are 1/3 of a whole I admire your friendship with Precious and Karen and I seriously hope you guys won’t drift apart because in my perspective you guys are genuinely happy together. Dear Kryssha, I hope to be with you in a BTS concert someday hahaha. You’ll met them soon and you’re a really good dancer. You should try and show it more and don’t be shy. Dear Judee, you’re quite confusing but I like being confused anyway. Hehe idk you have this feel of weirdness that I actually think it’s normal bc you’re Judee. Though you’re sometimes shallow, I know you have a very deep mind and have great ideas. Dear Janae, I dont know how it ended and how we pretend it never happened but all I know is that thank you and sorry because I couldn’t be there when I know you would’ve been for me. Dear Buena, I’m still thankful for your blog and will always am it’s nice to know how other people see me hahaha. I want to hear you sing more and have more confidence. You’re unique in your own way. I just realized (bc of laurence’s blog) that you really have the same expression to everything hahaha. Dear Angelica, You’re so modest and nice i don’t know a lot about you but i hope you keep your smile always and penge naman height:(( Dear Karen, you are a 1/3 of a whole and a beautiful morena. Embrace your beauty and always keep your head up. Stay as a happy person with precious and darylle. Dear Julia, thank you for teaching me how to dance bboom bboom hahaha. You’re also a great dancer and have confidence also keep smiling with your cute pangil. Dear angelica, an innocent soul with a contagious laugh I don’t know your story. I don’t know your deepest secrets but i know you have them bc I was once you I still am someone waiting for life’s trick to break me down to pieces. Dear salve, look at the stars tonight, breathe in, breathe out. Watch some kdramas. Dream about something, anything. Imagine a life where happiness is limitless. You are so strong for holding on for this long and I want you to be stronger. I need you to be stronger, because one day you’ll look at the stars again, you’ll breathe in and breathe out again, you’ll watch some kdramas again and dream about something, anything again, but you won’t imagine a life where happiness is limitless because you will live it. Dear christelle, i still remember when we used to be bffs and I was really happy being your friend back then but idk what happened we just ended things but ik we ended it in a good terms sometimes being with someone for too long is tiring and I’m sorry if I didn’t hold your hand longer. I’ll always remember you and Kim as my first bffs B! F! F! Hahaha I hope you still remember this chant we had. Dear Kristel, sorry if sometimes I’m too rude or if you feel I neglect you. I don’t hate you , I actually like you but whenever you approach me, I would either be in a bad mood or hungry hahahaha, so I kinda get annoyed at times but you still smile at me whenever I do and I feel really bad. I hope you reach your dreams of being a fashion designer and your love life would be prosperous (oyiiiiiii~~~) Dear jeanelle, you are probably the nicest person i’ve met. I know you have struggles and problems of your own but you always kept quiet about it so you won’t worry anyone but I hope you do tell about them because it’s bad to bottle it all inside. Thank you for being my seat (cheat) mate hahaha and sorry if I ever gave you a wrong answer in a test hahaha. Dear editha, a kind and strong heart you have. I like how you stand up for yourself and how you stand up for others thank you for being a reason for me to be stronger. I really want to have a heart like yours. Micah, I think you’re more chill than me. You go to school just when you feel like it but still have high grades isa kang #nofear pt.2 hahaha I hope you hold on salve’s hand a little bit longer she needs you and if you ever need someone i’ll always offer my hand. Nina, i know how it feels when you think you’re worth less than someone just because of your weight but I never thought that you were any less than anyone then and now. I admire your determination to lose weight but you’re beautiful in any form though your words come of harsh ik you just want the best for them but please keep in mind that karissa may have this reputation of being a strong kalog girl she’s also so fragile. Karissa, hey little sunshine. Hold up, okay? I know no one knows and that no one blinks an eye just because you aren’t showing it or you aren’t suffering as much to the pint of falling to this endless pit but it’s not like that you don’t have to be collapsing for people to notice and to give a hand. They should’ve come closer to hear what you’re saying not for you to repeat and change what you said. Kath, I want you to be kath. I want you to not be compared to your brother. I know how hard it is to have a big brother. Parents will always think of them first and tbh who cares about what they think do things for yourself okay and loosen up a bit and smile more. Shany, you’re so hung up with this guy which I always tell you, he’s not good for you but maybe it’s your happiness waiting for him for so long to chat you back. That maybe he is your happiness so I’m sorry for being insensitive that time I just want to say to think of yourself first and to choose what would make you happier we’re still young there’s still so many faces to meet, hearts to connect and smiles to smile with. Kezia, i know how you want to change the way you look but I honestly think you look fine. I respect how you think about yourself but I just want you to know that whatever you look like it’s the best version of you. Ayra, you have this aura around you that makes me feel at ease. I just know that whatever I say you wouldn’t judge me and you know my kind of humor so I’m happy joking around with you. Thank you for everything. Precious, you are a 1/3 of a whole I find it so funny how you darylle and karen bicker hahaha. I hope you guys always stay together and I hope you will always have that smile in your face. Jemarie, I really like how you draw. You’re an amazing artist tho I’m sad that you wouldn’t pursue it in the future, being a doctor who saves lives is good too. Thank you for all the answers you shared hahaha Katreena, you are such a kind innocent soul that whenever I see you down or upset it makes me sad too. Thank you for opening up to me and telling me your problems that time. Thank you for trusting me enough to ask me what decision you would make and that is to be happy. I hope you’re finally happy and will always be. Joanna, thank you for making me look tall hahaha. Just kidding you’re so cute whenever you dress up and i find your fashion sense really good. Andrew, I have been your classmate for so long to know your capabilities. It is very clear that you are smart person and you never smile at pictures to make it seem like you’re not emotional at all. You’re the one who is most affected about our moving up and I know you are concerned about your weight too and it’s completely okay to feel these things. No one will judge you, but remember to still take care of yourself. Saka wag mo nang i-break si ABCD, kawawa naman. Dear sam, thank you really I’m so thankful for you. You were such a huge twist of fate for me. When I first sat beside you I thought you hated me because i got promoted. But then when you talked to me we just suddenly clicked and was transported to a world where only the two of us exist. You once told me I was a person who doesn’t stay and I know that because i never had a strong grip on anything and I’m a very clueless, insensitive, shallow-hearted person yet you’re the only one who saw it (and maybe abcd too) and thank you for knowing who the real me is. Sorry because i won’t stay and that it might look like i’ll just forget about it but I won’t, I promise so don’t be surprised when one day at 3 am I text/chat you about random things or about my dream last night. Dear grace, I’m sorry at times that I “bully” you just for a laugh, it seems as though you are unaffected which sometimes makes me have the urge to make fun of you sometimes. But you are probably one of the most self-conscious people I know, and whenever you are told that what you’re doing is negative, you stop doing the thing entirely. But thank you for still understanding me and supporting me and accompanying me when the Hi-Y club advisers asks me to go to the library. Sorry if you always do or give things to me but I would sometimes not reciprocate it. Sorry for being the receiving end. I’m so thankful to you. You’re a part of who I am right now and who I will be. I hope someday we’ll be both able to sleep with peace, knowing our moms are sleeping and will wake up tomorrow and if things wont go in our way, I’ll always be there okay? and I hope you are too because I would really need you if it does happen. ps. One day, i’ll pay you back for all my utangs, kahit nasa ULST na ako at may chance akong tumakas. Dear Abcd, Thank you for everything. You will always be the first one i’ll talk to whenever I find something funny. You’ve influenced me so much. I became matured, more responsible and idk if you know this but I stopped crying because of you. I’m not saying it in a negative way hahaha what I mean is you made me stronger and unconsciously gave me a rope to help me climb. You didn’t gave me your hand because you wanted me to do it myself, because that’s the most important thing in everything. Always do things yourself for yourself. You taught me this so now that you’re the one who is drowning I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m always this clueless whenever it’s not about me. But please promise me, please promise yourself that you’ll swim as hard as the currents hit you and you’ll someday meet me in the shore. We all don’t know what we want or what to do don’t pressure yourself. We’re all as confused as you. Let’s all be lost while we are young. ps. Be happy :) Dear Naiza, I hope you would stop being so difficult and stop being so half hearted to everything. To studies, to your friends, to your family and to yourself. You don’t like to admit it but you’re so selfish and sometimes insensitive. You only show this version of you that would look great. The version of you who is always happy, who doesn’t have any problems. You even cover up your problems by saying positive things about your life. You’re the biggest liar I know. I wish you would also stop getting annoyed easily and being too dependent. Stop acting like you care when you honestly don’t, but you know you have to care because you have to be a good person right? but you’re not. It’s really scary how different you are from school, at home, at the internet or at your bed during 3 am. At school you’re this out going person, at home you’re this ignorant person who doesn’t know what her family feels, at the internet you’re so bitchy and rude, at 3 am you’re the most vulnerable person anyone can be. Someday I hope you find who you really are because i’m done with you lying.

[raefill]

I would legit love to hear you answers to every single question. I don't know if you feel like actually doing them all, but if you did... I'm JUST SAYING I'D READ THE ANSWERS, ok.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yeaaaah but my romantic prospects are pretty bleak tbh, I graduate and move away in a few months

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?No, not really. But I’m not mad about it anymore.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”CUTE BABY CLOSE BY !!!!!!!!!

4: What’s something you really want right now?to cry, i’m having the big sads

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?always

6: Do you like the beach?i love the beach!!!!!!!!! i grew up in a seaside town, the beach feels like the best parts of home

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?yes ?? it was cramped and uncomfortable 

8: What’s the background on your cell?the photo of me, san, kahl, chez, frau, bagel and spags in the louvre

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?mine(right now), Thea’s, Lizzie’s, .. Keir’s?

10: Do you like your phone?yeah but i’d like it more if the screen wasn’t so cracked

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?lol no, it’s definitely not

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?i genuinely don’t remember !

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?rottweiler, i love dogs that look a little mean but have big hearts

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?pffffft, that’s hard to answer but i’d say generally emotional, most of the time it’s harder to get rid of emotional pain

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?both ?! i want to support the breeding of endangered animals that happens in zoos and see the cute animals but also i love a good rembrandt ?!

16: Are you tired?exhausted

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?since i was born

18: Are they a relative?my mother!

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?not a fucking chance

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?a few hours ago, i think

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?i don’t believe there’s a way to know nor do i think love works that way

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell yeah i would

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none!

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?“if you make bad choices, own them” - my dad 

25: What’s on your mind?god, everything, idk im having a high key anxiety day

26: Do you have any tattoos?one pretty big one on my thigh

27: What is your favorite color?black !!!!!!!!!!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?maybe tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes

29: Who are you texting?uhhh, no one? everyone is asleep

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?yes

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?all the time, my gut rarely lies

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yes, his name is keir and he’s one of my best friends

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?i mean i’m dating someone so i fucking hope so

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?no ? i dont think ? i’ve had people say they’re big or the colour is interesting but idk

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?i’d cheer her on

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?yes

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?yes!

38: What do your friends call you?rae ?

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?yes

40: Have you ever cried over a text?pffft, yah

41: Where’s your last bruise located?my knee

42: What is it from?i fell over my own computer chair

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?today

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my mum, i think

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?not right now, most i just wear my plain black docs

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?no, i just tie is back

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?no, i really dont like my ears, idk why

48: Do you make supper for your family?yeah, my mum and step dad can’t cook

49: Does your bedroom have a door?ofc it does? what kind of bedroom doesn’t have a door? get these pretentious loft bedrooms out of my face

50: Top 3 web-pages?tumblr, ao3, youtube

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?plenty!

52: Does anything on your body hurt?period pains are all the rage today

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?yeah but i don’t tend to cry until they’ve already left so i look like i take them just fine

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?water......... this morning

55: How is your hair?fine? a bit damaged from the cold weather

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?wish i was still asleep

57: Do you think two people can last forever?yes

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?i dont fucking know

59: Green or purple grapes?GREEN or get out of my face

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?tomorrow~

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?yes

62: When will be the next time you text someone?tomorrow!

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?probably in bed still, but asleep

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.sleeping

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?no, i was getting over the end of a four year relationship

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?no

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?no

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?this sucks

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?many times

70: How many windows are open on your computer?ten! and they’re mostly your fics corey, go figure

71: How many fingers do you have?ten

72: What is your ringtone?i dont know, my phone is always on silent

73: How old will you be in 5 months?22 ~

74: Where is your Mum right now?sleeping in bed probably, idfk, she lives hours away

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?we grew up and grew apart but we were still okay until i had about four-six months of depression where i had to stop myself from doing something stupid daily and he didn’t notice despite us living together and sharing a bedroom (and those times i told him and he shrugged)

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?yes

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?yes! i still love them very much

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?annabelle

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?yes, there’s some grad students in the psych department called mike, they all look kinda the same too

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?yeah, i miss being able to do that regularly

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?more than i can count, my polyamorous ass has a crush on about seven people currently

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?no

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?i’m talking to one of them

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?i’d literally never do this

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?depends which drugs and how often, no one cares about a joint every few months

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?i spilled my popcorn and managed to hide that i had spilled it from my date pahaha

87: Who was your last received call from?my mum, wow it sounds like i talk to my mum a lot more than i do

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?yes, i hate bugs, give me the money

89: What is something you wish you had more of?time, energy, patience, money

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?no, i’m not someone who trusts easily

91: Do you sleep with your window open?only in the summer

92: Do you get along with girls?yes, anyone that doesn’t get on with someone because of their gender is an asshole

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?nope

94: Does sex mean love?hell no, it can be an expression of it but no

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?yeah she wold be freaking the fuck out because she’s locked in a room!

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?no, actually, i haven’t

97: Did you sleep alone this week?yes

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?yes ? 

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?no, not at all

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?one of my besties, holly

[saniika]

As promised before this is a drama-free blog. Please do not read further, this is a personal announcement which is very much in the drama category. There will be no filter and lots of swear words. 

TLDR: I am not well, will be not active as usual and don’t know when Ill be back. Bunch of stuff is gone, it’s not just you imagining things. I wrote all this since I gotten asks which I hid away from.

I am not ok. For about a year I've gotten under lot of pressure, both mental and physical. Shortly before that I closed  very traumatic period in my life and even went of antidepressant. And then bam, the above happened, yoi came in the mix. Wow! Fantastic a coping mechanism, works so well. I am happy. Friends message me genuinely excited to see me happy. I listen to music, read, draw and it shows its full of love. A sanii-wonderland.

But... nothing lasts forever, right?

I entered this exhausted and rushed like a hound dog. I wanted validation, to matter and make some good for the world (I cant sadly cure ass politics, world hunger or happiness for LGBT...yeah.) So Ive set to put my services into promoting writers with fanarts to their fanfics - because hey they made me happy, what other way to show thanks? Drawing fanarts just to join the happy in the community. Talk in streams. And Im telling you the insomnia rushes where the brain was like squirrel on caffeine - those are really damn productive periods. With horrible consequences.

Months went by, sometimes I didnt feel good, panic attacks started to be present, nightmare drove me to the point of waking up in fright (I got scared I fell asleep). Other health related issues arose...twirling down the ground as they say.

I met some really nice people which I will not mentioned here as I dont want to pull them into my drama post (even if id say thanks), participated on incredible project. The more I got involved into the fandom and socials it got faster and before I knew it - I felt like im stuck on a rollercoaster, about to puke and the fucking ride doesn't stop.

Thoughts like these arose - I’m too old, I’m not fast enough, cant keep up this speed, why does this person has so much success, has so many friends etc. Bad bad toxic feelings - which I am happy I did not act upon, no one deserved these and it was all in me. Friends helped here since I admitted these to them and was quite surprised to hear many felt similar - burnout from the fandom, apps in general, life in the whole mix.

I thouhgt itll pass, focused on the writing which made me really excited and productive. I drew my whole life, its the best I can do - the other thing I can do best is - hating myself. So believe it or not that actually helped with yakov flamers - no one can hate myself more than me. Im a medalist at that. Back back to the track.

Physically speaking I sought out doctors and they didnt help me as I expected they would. I have to write and type a lot in IRL job and my chronic pain in hand turned into vicious icepick stabing pain in collarbone + completely sore numb right upper torso. It took me a week to be able to type on a phone without vincing.

And few days ago - I actually cant tell what day it was because I spend the whole weekend in bed and ate once. Never had such episode, so that was really... not fun - I had a meltdown and deleted bunch of things. So if you cant find them - they are not there. You will see my art rebloged here and there, but the original posts are gone. With each delete I felt lighter and had a good cry too.

It all came down to this - I felt cheap, taken for granted and all the initial thoughts of happy turned into realisation (with the help of friends) that I do expect things in return. Im not the type to play an attention whore and avoid posting complaints as pest. Yet here I am. Because -

Bit by bit I neglected breaks for bathroom for drawing. Didnt rest the hand when I was supposed to. Wrote feedback or comments for others when I was tired. Offered support on drunk/depressive/suicidal posts and offered support in chat even though I should have invested into selfcare. And it all snowballed to this - loosing love towards certain pairings, drawing itself. Aaaaand posting 2 pics after such a break brought me to breathing labored and wow, suddenly I am here - BAM - very not ok.

I left a bunch of places, set up things so that I speak with bare minimum of people. I have no idea what Ill do from now on, but I know its easier to just watch others and consume - or maybe even easier to watch as little as possible (let me be frank, I really don’t care who sticks a dick to whom’s ass - petty discourse about pairings and topping really sour me and - EAT VICTORS DICK, CHOKE ON IT - became my private favorite curse. Don’t get me started on self entitled critics on whats right to draw, write and ship.... FUCKING WILL YA - just do your thing, have fun, SHUT UP - make stuff that makes you happy if you don’t see it around or PAY others to do it. OR like support them, be NICE. Doesn’t hurt...promise.)

I flipped the switch, lost it grand and that’s it. I wont be putting restrictions on myself here saying I wont draw ever or this fandom - that’s not how it works. But right now? Ill be happy if I manage to deliver work on a project I don’t want to fall out of. I tried the appeal of sharing work privately to friends or to no one at all. Engaging on discords and DMs - so freeing to talk about stories and stuff without tumblr police. I just cant do this anymore - posting out there steals my breath and it fucking hurts.

I hope you enjoyed all I did, it all came from heart - that’s all. I know Ill sweat all nervous posting this, but YAKOV COURAGE WOLF tells me so. Better than listening to voices telling me to go shit at Wendy's bar.

Thanks for everything.

[groundramon]

Do you have a list of like top 5 tv shows? (Cartoons and anime included)

!!! Yes I do, actually!

I’ve actually thought about doing a YouTube video about this in the past, and while I do want to do list-like videos (and I already have at least one in mind) in the future, I put off doing this one because it actually…depends greatly on where certain shows I currently like are headed because some currently-airing shows would be on this list if they hit their full potential, but who knows if they’ll hit their full potential. Also I always split anime and cartoons into two categories because I always had a hard time picking otherwise xD But I do have some semblance of a list, and I adore talking about this kind of stuff, sooo:

5. Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

This spot is kind of a three-way tie between Voltron, Bojack Horseman, and FMAB, all for extremely different reasons. So consider Voltron and Bojack my honorable mentions. But while I believe Bojack’s best is honestly some of the (if not the) best out there, and if Voltron promises through on what they’ve promised it will easily skyrocket up this list, Bojack’s worst is everything I hate about Hollywood and Voltron just has too many holes at the moment.  FMAB has the best of both worlds because it has great animation like Voltron, doesn’t have any of Bojack’s bad kind of moments, and doesn’t have many holes in it.  (Another honorable mention goes to BNHA, but like Voltron, I just don’t think it has had enough time to develop all the way. Unlike Voltron, it doesn’t really have any holes, but I do have a problem with how strictly it adheres to cheesy super heroes of the past.)

BUT onto FMAB itself. God cmon, its FMAB, do I really need to elaborate why its so great? The characters are compelling, their motivations are powerful and interesting. I could write an essay examining Ed’s character alone, because he has so many interesting motivations and morals that seemingly conflict with his angry disposition, and I don’t even like Ed that much. The story is exciting - there’s basically no filler, and it almost moves too fast at points. I do have problems with the show - as I said, it goes too fast. The only two deaths in the season happen in the first 12-15 episodes of the series, and although I think that’s because the original FMA animated those scenes already, it still fucks with the pacing of this show. Additionally, despite Lust, Gluttony, and Envy all being revealed before, the show introduces a completely new villain - Greed - to introduce the homunculi. And then they kill Lust - the presumed leader of the first three introduced homunculi?? Idk man, the show barrels in a completely different direction way too quickly. But other than that, its a great show. The only reason it isn’t higher is because I’m a biased shit towards other good shows.

4. Teen Titans

Speaking of being a biased shit, idk if it shows or not, but I have a HUGE soft spot for corny kids shows that try to give kids bad laughs and dark/relatable storylines, or rather, have a heart while doing so. Its not so much that I like a balance of comedy and darkness in my shows - although that’s a good thing, I eat pure angst up and I’m all-for pure comedy shows that have the aforementioned heart (ie we bare bears, another good show not on this list) - its just specifically corny pun-ridden teen/tweeny-feeling shows/games that actually have a decent story underneath that get me. (Also my sense of humor aligns much more with shitty teen lingo and puns than modern cartoon humor that’s considered “good”. Like I find Teen Titans 10x funnier than I’ve ever found Steven Universe. I’m a 90s kid at heart even tho I wasn’t alive in the 90s)

But the biggest impact of this show for me was the heart and the plot. The silly moments made me laugh, sometimes iromically and sometimes unironically and sometimes I wasn’t sure how, but it was the story that really gripped me. The first season’s overarching plot for Robin is honestly one of the most compelling things I’ve seen in kids cartoons…period. Its dark, its unique, its a subversion of such a simble and broad trope. Sure it had a nice cheesy ending but Robin actually saves the day through INTELLIGENCE, something he always had. No other Teen Titans ending did that, but I digress.

And god, do not even get me started on Terra’s arc. Just because Robin’s was the most well-structured arc doesn’t mean his was the most emotional. I was fucking distraught after Terra’s season. Those memes weren’t a joke, I legitimately cried right in front of my mom. IT WAS SO OBVIOUS, BUT IN MY BLIND LOVE, I MISSED ALL THE SIGNS… and god, even when she comes back, even when she’s given a happy ending, she manages to make me cry AGAIN. I never, ever thought I could cry over a character like Beast Boy, but she made me do it. I didn’t even cry when Sokka’s girlfriend died, but this really, really got to me. Once for personal attachment, and the second time because…the finale is so good. Literally its Bojack levels of deep, emotional, and realistic, and this was the ending of a fucking kids show. What the fuck. To this day I still get emotional whenever something reminds me of her arc. Which brings me to my next series…

3. Cybersix

Hi so did I mention Cybersix is really good? Because Cybersix is really good.  I’m not even done with it but yeah, I love this show.  It’s got an amazing art style, great animation, an intriguing story…I have a feeling I’m gonna be really disappointed when it ends because I’ll want to know what happens next so badly.  I like the characters, I like the aesthetic, I like the old-timey music that dates this cartoon so wonderfully, I even like the romance between Lucas and Cybersix/Adrian!  How’d you make me do that.  Oh yeah, because it’s not hard to get me to care about a mutually rewarding relationship that’s gradually built up through a friendship, then an aesthetic attraction, then presumably a relationship but idk yet, where both parties care about one another and their boundaries and have gotten along well since the start.  I forgot.  (I could nitpick that Lucas doesnt have the same buildup for the relationship as Cybersix [its complicated, basically he’s friends with Cybersix’s alternate persona Adrian but he’s in a relationship with Cybersix, and he doesnt know theyre the same person] but I’m not gonna.)  It’s just…a good show man.  @ hollywood, reboot THIS you cowards.  Stop rebooting shit nobody wanted a new version of and reboot shows that were ended to quickly.  Actually dont reboot Cybersix because the only animation studios that would be able to do it any justice are Studio Mir and anime studios, and whoever owns the current copyright to Cybersix would probably be okay using flash for it

2. Digimon Adventure (with a honorable mention to Digimon Tamers)

You can rip my love for the entire Digimon franchise from my cold, dead hands.  I’m sincerely surprised any show passed up my love for this show.  If/when the currently airing series in Japan gets brought over here, I’ll watch it, even though Digimon has kind of abandoned what made it so great in the first place.  But hell, even Fusion was enjoyable - the second arc, from what I remember, was pretty dark and interesting (im still mad they got rid of the two best characters tho) - and the only reason I disliked Data Squad so much is because of Marcus (that and it doesnt have anything else that’s absolutely stunning, in fact from a technical standpoint Marcus is the best thing about the show).

But there’s a reason I put Digimon Adventure here and not the entirety of the Digimon franchise.  Digimon Adventure is what started it all.  No Digimon season has as much heart in it as the original.  Sure the animation improves each season, sure Tamers is probably better story-wise on a technical level, but I dont think any season matches the raw charm of the original.  It was so charming, in fact, that what was supposed to be a 13-episode miniseries evolved into a massive franchise that’s still beloved to this day.  Hell, there’s still content being released for the 8 Digidestined of this season!  It’s right alongside Pokemon, Invader Zim, Hey Arnold, and all these other beloved 90s/early 2000s cartoons that are being revived in recent years, and I think that says a lot.

I wasn’t even alive when Digimon Adventure was airing, but I loved the Digimon games I had played so much that I went out of my way to watch it.  And I…loved it.  Sad as it may be, it was the greatest TV show I had seen at the time.  Growing up in the late 2000s watching only Nickelodeon and CN was not a good period to grow up in, and I never saw Avatar as a kid.  By the time the 2010s had rolled around, I had mostly given up on cartoons, and besides, they were all fugly.  I still tried to watch some, but just…the humor didn’t grip me, they seemed dumb, and they weren’t pleasant to look at.  (Okay the main shows I’m vaguing about are Adventure Time and Regular Show, as well as whatever Nickelodeon was doing but I begrudgingly put up with Nickelodeon for the most part because I preferred Nick and I never knew what else to watch)  Then Digimon came around, and hol-y-shit.  The characters were like nothing I had ever seen before, the storylines engaging and interesting.  Sure it was cheesy, but there was 95% less fart jokes than the average cartoon, a good story, and actually relatable characters that actually go through hardships and actually change for the better!

Digimon Adventure has been and always will be proof to me that no matter what you are, no matter what your show is, you can make a good show out of it.  If you get people who care, who can make relatable characters, who can come up with an interesting story, you can make a good show.  Digimon Adventure is basically a big long toy commercial, and yet its better than lots of shows that dont even have merchandise - and its also better than a lot of shows that have merchandise now, but weren’t created to sell toys in the first place.  I just.  Love it a lot.

Also, the reason I specifically chose Digimon Adventure, outside of having a personal attachment to it since it was always my favorite, is because Tamers hecking scared me as a kid and I’ve never gotten over how creepy the last arc is.  Like it’s good, but it still scared me.

Honorable mentions: Bojack Horseman, Voltron: Legendary Defender, We Bare Bears, Gravity Falls (thats a big one, it would definitely be on this list if I had 10 spots, and will gladly take the 6th spot if Voltron doesnt follow through or Bojack goes south), Over the Garden Wall,  the aforementioned Digimon Tamers ,and Infinity Train might be #2 or at least #3 if it wasnt just a single episode l m a o

1. A tie between Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra

HI SO YEAH if you didnt expect this then you dont know me //BRICKED

Before I explain both, I want to be very clear that I’m not counting them as a single entity.  No, I just cant pick between them.  They’re two extremely different shows, and I actually agree with people who say ATLA is overall a more-rounded show.  Problem is, I watched both during a period of my life where politics and darkness make an extremely interesting show for me (aka the current period of my life) and thus its a very biased and “nostalgic” pick, just like Digimon Adventure.  Had I watched these shows when they were airing, I dont know if LOK would even be on this list.  Heck Digimon adventure probably wouldnt be on this list since ATLA would’ve held the crown for my favorite show for all those years.

They both have amazing animation and solid writing, but that’s about all they have in common in my eyes - even though they share the same world.

Avatar: The Last Airbender is a kids show.  Through and through, its a kids show.  That’s not an insult in the slightest though; no, the fact that they can make something so sophisticated and enjoyable that still clearly appeals to children is really a testament to their skills.  Many kids shows that try to take on heavier/darker stories feel like completely different shows when they try to do that - shows that arent intended for kids.  Voltron and SU are the most notable examples of that, but even LOK has a little bit of that (but in LOK’s case, its the entire show, so I kinda give them a pass lol)  Other shows do it okay (Gravity Falls) but really the only show I’ve ever seen match Avatar’s perfect balance of comedy and seriousness is Bojack, which isn’t a kids show so it has an advantage over Avatar.

Avatar’s world is fanciful and larger than life.  I’m so sad that I watched Avatar and LOK after my fanfiction days; I would’ve loved to spend nights thinking about a potential Avatar story, complete with my own Avatar and original cast.  I could put it before Avatar, after LOK, who knows? but it would’ve been so much fun.  Hell I HAVE thought about Avatar stories, but I obviously dont have much thought up on any of my potential ideas.

The pacing of Avatar is golden.  How a show wish such good pacing got through Nickelodeon, I dont know, but whatever deal allowed Avatar to go on for three seasons and then end was a once-in-a-life-time deal (as evident by what happened to Korra).  Somehow this show came out almost completely perfect, with few or no flaws.

This is the pinnacle of children’s entertainment, in my opinion.  This is proof that there’s no excuse for the garbage that makes up 90% of children’s entertainment.  The standard doesn’t have to be this, since this is the best, but this show is proof that we need to raise the standard.  I wish executives actually gave a shit about quality; if they did, maybe we could get mostly good shows instead of mostly bad shows.

If most shows were half as good as Avatar, the average show would be gorgeously-animated, smartly-written, and really good, even if it had a flaw here and there.  If most shows were half as good as Avatar, Steven Universe would be the average instead of a godsend.

If I someday, somehow make a show that’s 2/3rds as good as Avatar, I’ll officially be a good writer.  I’d love to make tons of shows just as good as Avatar, but hey, I cant get TOO cocky now lol

Now for The Legend of Korra.  Korra has slightly better animation (god i love studio mir) and different but still intriguing worldbuilding.  I know a lot of people found the political bs to be annoying, but I actually found it quite intriguing.  Avatar did a little bit of exploring moral gray areas and playing with politics, but Korra just goes all-out.  I wish the first season’s morality could’ve been a little grayer, but even then, the politics were still interesting.  And god, that one scene in the first season finale, the murder-suicide…that’s still a really powerful scene.  The entire finale would’ve been super powerful were it not for everything resetting by the end of it, but hey, they basically did the same thing in season 3!

Holy shit though, season 3.  An on-screen strangling.  Someone exploding themselves to death.  And then the finale’s fight.  The finale’s fight. The finale of season 3 is one of the most intense things I’ve seen…ever.  The atmosphere in that fight is just…so good - combined with the animation and choreography, its just amazing.  You can almost feel every hit, you actually feel concern for Korra, you’re legitimately concerned for her life.  And you know what?  You should’ve been!  Because she almost dies, and she has to suffer the consequences of that.  The fourth season has a time gap in-between, but even then, she spends episodes trying to fully recover.

In my opinion, the only thing making Korra a kids show is Milo.  I’m certain they put him in there because otherwise, it wouldn’t have been allowed to be called a kids show.  It’s dark, its intelligent, its beautiful, and it’s going to go right over most kid’s heads.  As a kids show it does kind of fail; it just doesn’t really appeal enough to them.  Once you’re old enough to understand, say, Naruto or Dragon Ball you should be okay, but ATLA appeals to all ages while Korra really needs a certain maturity in its audience to be understood and to not scare its audience.

They’re just both. so good

(thanks for the ask!!!)

[sakunya]

tagged by @emis!! (ty for tagging me!!) everything under the cut

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents?

it depends

2. who did you last say “i love you” to?

my mom dsfjklfdfg

3. do you regret anything?

i went to school orientation yesterday and the assistant asked who i had come for and i said the teacher’s first name instead of last name and it was super embarrassing 

4. are you insecure?

kind of?? most the time i’m insecure but sometimes i get really vain about my appearance 

5. what is your relationship status?

uhhhhhh why dont you ask oliver

6. how do you want to die?

in this book i read that this guy’s dad died while skateboarding and eating a butterfingers and idk i wanna be that iconic

7. what did you last eat?

im eating a pack of mini muffins rn

8. played any sports?

a wide variety, yes

9. do you bite your nails?

yes, extremely bad habit

10. when was your last physical fight?

technically haven’t been in a fight but i did shove a boy to the floor once (it was an accident(ish))

11. do you like someone?

haHA

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yeah im pretty sure i entered the twilight zone 

13. do you hate anyone at the moment?

hate is a strong word, jk yes

14. do you miss someone?

a lot of people in general that you kind of leave behind due to school 

15. have any pets?

technically one cat named clint but i also take care of two other cats and i feed the stray cats outside (one is named smalls and the other dick grayson)

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?

okay, i’m just thinking about school and how nervous i am

17. ever made out in the bathroom?

n o

18. are you scared of spiders?

yes i tend to Scream when i see them

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

it depends how far i could go back into time and how it would affect the future

20. where was the last place you snogged someone?

i’ve never even done that to begin with

21. what are your plans for this weekend?

me?? having plans?? (idk probably study and play persona 5)

22. do you want to have kids? how many?

i dont really like children all that much but i guess i wouldn’t mind adopting teenagers from the foster system when i’m an actual adult and stable

23. do you have piercings? how many?

technically two in each ear except one closed up on my left ear :(

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)?

history, english/language arts, and art

25. do you miss anyone from the past?

yes

26. what are you craving right now?

chips and salsa idek where it came from

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yes

28. have you ever been cheated on?

no

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

no

30. what’s irritating you right now?

the upcoming spanish class i have to take

31. does somebody love you?

i hope so

32. what is your favorite color?

light pinks and soft greys

33. do you have trust issues?

i kind of do, i think it’s mostly geared towards adults though

34. who/what was your last dream about?

i only remember weird bits of my dreams, but i think it was me writing a really bad report for school

35. who was the last person you cried in front of?

the ENTIRE SCHOOL (more specifically my pe teacher)

36. do you give out second chances too easily?

not really, i do give people second chances but i’m also one to hold grudges for long periods of time

37. is it easier to forgive or forget

forgiving is easier, although i have a difficulty forgiving people

38. is this the best year of your life?

considering 2016 was a cursed year, this year is going pretty smoothly 

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss?

a girl kissed me on the cheek in 7th grade idek

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no im too Anxious

41. favorite food?

my mom’s chicken pot pie 

42. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

i believe in actions and consequences, so i suppose so, yes

43. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

i was giving myself a tarot card reading (which was super depressing)

44. is cheating ever okay?

N o

45. are you mean?

sometimes i mean to say things one way and they come off as rude whoops

46. how many people have you fist fought?

i punched a boy in the shoulder and he fell off the bus seat but it wasnt an actual fight

47. do you believe in true love?

yeah i think it’s achievable but a couple will still have it’s flaws no matter what

48. favorite weather?

torrential downpour with thunder 

49. do you like the snow?

i saw snow once when i was 5

50. do you want to get married?

maybe?????

51. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

i dont like it that much 

52. what makes you happy?

many things! video games, my friends, watching cartoons, cheese popcorn

53. would you change your name?

ye s my name is such a boring common name there is two other girls in my homeroom who have the same name as me

54. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

we haven’t seen each other since 7th grade and it wasn’t even a proper kiss 

55. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

avoid them probably

56. do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can act your complete self around?

not really

57. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

idek

58. who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

oliver??? probably

59. do you believe in soulmates?

i think the concept of soulmates is kind of toxic ?? i cant explain it well

60. is there anyone you would die for?

probably 

tagging: @yammaguchii @shouhei (idk you dont have to do this)