#being unmedicated is a b*tch

[scoups4lyfe]

Howdy scoups, how have you been?

-SS 🤡

SS!!!! Long time no see mon ami!!

I’ve been—okay.

That sounds depressing, but I’m not doing bad, I’m just unmedicated and job hunting.

Ever since I moved to this new state back in September of 2023, I’ve had a hard time working on my creative projects and things that bring me joy.

I’m stuck in purgatory, where I’m without meds and therefore trapped in an inability to do the things I want to do. I can’t write. I can’t draw.

I can’t liveblog.

Recently, I started writing a short story for a writing contest. The max word count was 5,000 words. On a good day I can write 3,000.

I did not have a good day.

I could barely force myself to write 100 words. Then I spent three days unable to write anything at all. I had to drink until I was drunk because for some reason when I’m inebriated I’m able to write. That night I wrote 1,400 words.

The next day I couldn’t write more than 30 words.

I was so frustrated I almost burst into tears.

I follow a lot of tokusatsu liveblogs. I see glimpses of Kamen Rider Gotchard, and the currently airing sentai and there is nothing I would rather do than watch it myself.

But. I can’t.

I can’t because I’ve grown to enjoy live-blogging as I watch tokusatsu. But I don’t have the needed energy to live-blog. So I can’t.

And that’s so upsetting to me.

Now—on a brighter note: 🤠

It’s not that I’ve been doing nothing.

I got re-obsessed with Thai BL drama KinnPorsche and it’s literally all I’ve been able to think about 🫠😫.

Started writing a VegasPete soulmate fanfic 🤡😔…

I’m also obsessed with Interview with the Vampire, the finale episode just finished airing like a day and a half ago. It’s sooooo fxKing GOOD!!!

Also.

I just finished painting something >:))

[chronically-autistic-dinosaur]

Anxiety is a b*tch. I was supposed to work Wednesday and today, but with it being the BUSIEST week for retail workers and more and more customers traipsing around without masks (which are mandatory, btw) and getting too close to me, my anxiety has reached its threshold. Add to that a new COVID variant that is rapidly spreading, and we’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Even with meds, I’m still on edge. Not as much as when I was unmedicated, but being in certain situations right now (work, for example) will trigger an anxiety attack.

I want to be able to enjoy Christmas, but so far my anxiety isn’t letting me.