#being told 'i'm hurt now' kinda fucking sucks. because i never wanted this to begin with

[senseless-blabbering]

kinda really sucks that i've been made to feel so obnoxious and wrong that i just can't really talk about anything myself unless i'm asked something

[xaren-jo]

.

had a falling out with a friend yesterday over her continuous shitting on cis people (among other things). supposedly they are the enemy and are oppressing us simply by existing. yes, even those who are just living their lives and minding their own business - cuz if you're not directly helping an oppressed group, you're participating in their oppression indirectly somehow (???). it's cishets and cishets only who came up with all things queerphobic in the first place; if one of our own perpetuates that crap, it's still the cishets' fault, the poor dear is just traumatized and lashing out. as for cis allies who do put their lives on the line for us - their efforts don't mean shit, because they're an outlier, and cis people "as a class" are still the oppressor anyway, so her hatred is justified.

and when i point out to her that appointing a broad, diverse group of people as the enemy helps no one, least of all herself, that's just me being purposefully obtuse and/or a traitor to my own people. and if i keep disagreeing with her, it's only to piss her off and to attack her.

and she's a radfem, so i knew what i was getting into from the start, but this is still just so frustrating. she's such a bright, passionate young woman. how can she be such an ass.

we had both legally transitioned at nearly the same time, pretty much in parallel but in different directions, and we supported each other as we navigated that whole ordeal. it hurts because i understand why she's so angry and why she's so scared, but she just. won't. listen. living with this hatred is hurting her, but she clings to it like a it's a damn lifeline. because being a hateful little gremlin and an anxious mess is the only appropriate/possible response to the current situation, i suppose. silly old me, what do i know.

i got it into my head that i have to help her because she's younger than me, and she's trying to do good for the community, and she's broke and hurt and has suicidal tendencies, but fff. i just can't do this anymore. i feel like crap almost every time we talk. the hatred and the fear just keep spilling out of her to land onto my head. it's like i'm a dumping ground or a fuckin outhouse or something. "oh, men are at the root of all evil, they just suck fundamentally because they're men - not trans men tho, and def not you, you're cool :)", "am i passing??? fuck, i have so much internalized transphobia. how's my woman voice??? i feel like i'm never gonna be a "real" woman, i need this and this surgery", "all sex work is rape, are you in support of rape???", "it's been five whole minutes, why aren't you answering me, i feel like we barely talk anymore :(", "i'm anxious, i'm terrified, i can't get out of the house. i'm taking a break from arguing with terrible people on the internet, it's been taking a toll on me - oh wait, nevermind, i'm back to arguing with terrible people on the internet, because SOMEONE HAS TO", she keeps telling me, day after day and week after week, nothing seems to change, "i want to kill myself right now - what do i want you to do with this information? i don't know, i guess i just want some support", "i remember you told me you feel like you're being used for your money and it makes you feel like crap, i feel so bad about this, but could you lend me some money???", and after i had just told her that i was kinda struggling financially at the moment - "oh, you're so boujee, you should give me money, hehehe :P", "i know this comes off as manipulative and i feel so bad about this, but i'm gonna do/say it anyway, please forgive me", and she begins to cry. "i got it into my head that you will save me - can you please save me?" - springing that shit on me in a public place, during a smoke break at a support group we both regularly attend, girl, wtf. how am i even supposed to respond to that. "let's drop the g and the l, this is a gay exclusionary support group - hehehe, jk, i just mean the cis gays of course :P i'm just mirroring the shit that gays say about us, it's fine", and now she's a moderator of said support group. just great.

AND forwarding me a bunch of articles and videos of trans people getting bashed (including one such video of herself), with no warning, because she's been gathering evidence to make her case for immigration, and she thought she should get it all in one place, that one place being my dms - i got so upset i was close to tears, i walked around in a daze for a week. AND THEN a week or so later forwarding me a bunch of transphobic death threats she's been getting, with, again, zero warning??? not the kind of light recreational reading i've been looking for, fuck you very much.

and again, this is frustrating because she's not a bad person, but damn. she's toxic. it feels like i'm a shitty friend, abandoning her for being inconvenient, but. fuck. i can't anymore. fuck it.

[casspurrjoybell-20]

Simply Elliott - Chapter 3

*Warning Adult Content*

Dr. Burgess

"How was your day, Elliott?" Dr. Burgess asked but I only shrugged.

I was usually compliant during my weekly sessions with Dr. Burgess.

In fact, I actually liked Dr. Burgess over the other failed therapists my parents assigned me to.

When I told my parents about me wanting to be a boy, they did a whole bunch of research and by 'research' I mean joining a 'Parents with Transgender Kids' group on Facebook and found that a lot of kids going through transition benefited from seeing a counselor on the regular.

I was a bit reluctant in the beginning especially when my first therapist, Dr. Harris talked a little too much about the cons of me being transgender.

Turns out she was just transphobic, go figure.

Then we found Dr. Burgess who specifically worked with queer and transgender kids, so I guess he was alright.

Dr. Burgess never sugarcoated anything and never made me feel judged or like he only cared about my money.

He spoke like he actually cared about me.

I didn't know if that was true or not and I didn't want to find out.

"Come on, Elliott, you know as well as I do that therapy only works if you engage."

I sighed and switched positions from siting slumped over with my face in my palms and my elbows digging into my knees, to laying down on his grey couch, face up.

My hands folded together across my stomach.

"Today kinda sucked, I guess."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, a classmate of mine reminded me I still have a vagina. Of course, the way he had to remind me was by humiliating me. Then my friend, Carter almost made it worse by bringing attention to it and my shitty, transphobic teacher gave me a detention."

"Mr. Stevens again?" I nodded.

"You have a solid case, Elliott, you could go to the board and..."

"There's no point. I'm graduating early."

At least that was the plan.

All I needed was to complete English IV and Social Studies and both of those I'd finish by the end on first semester.

"What did your classmate say?"

"I don't wanna talk about that. He's a lowlife who peaked in high school."

"But what he said got to you?"

I groaned, annoyed at myself because Dr. Burgess was right, Michael Anderson got to me.

Michael is the equivalent to scum on the Earth and yet I let his words get under my skin.

I sat up while speaking in exasperation.

"I just want the surgery done now. It fucking sucks knowing..."

'God dammit, I was going to cry.'

I laid back down, dragging my finger nails back and forth over my thighs as I blinked rapidly, willing my stupid self not to cry.

"Knowing a physical part of me is missing. I mean, how the fuck do you cope with life until you get that missing part?"

Yeah, I ended up sobbing for the rest of my session but that day turned around in the evening.

Carla, Carter and I met up at our town's movie theater where Sam worked at.

Sam and Sam's friend, Ben were working at the concession, filling buckets with popcorn and drizzling on butter before handing it to customers.

Sam was going on about his plan to surprise in boyfriend up in Chicago.

I heard about the relationship and how they both got together, Noah cheating on his girlfriend for Sam.

It made me a little nervous for Sam.

I liked Noah and they were definitely good together but being away at college is different.

You meet knew people, discover more about yourself and want to experience new things.

I just hoped Noah doesn't end up hurting Sam.

Sam was a good person.

"So I'll get to Noah's by nine am. I think he has class until ten or something, so I'll have time to settle in before he gets home."

"You gotta be completely naked when he gets home," Carter suggested with a grin and Sam actually looked like he was considering the idea.

"Oh, yes," Carla exclaimed with excitement.

I chuckled.

"Definitely don't do that, what if he brings his friends or classmates over?"

"Ew, yeah, that'd be humiliating," Sam agreed, right before a group of freshman, walked up to the counter for popcorn.

Carla, Carter and I moved to the side to give the group some room.

"Oh, I wish I had someone to come surprise me," Carla spoke with a tad of loneliness in her tone.

I shrugged and Carter said.

"Trust me, relationships are ass. Always having to check in on them, no communication, trust issues and jealousy, cheating and lies. Most of them are fake," Carter spoke like he truly believed that.

"Sam and Noah just got lucky. Barely. Sam's jealousy is fucking drowning him."

"Damn," I said.

"I mean, I'm not one for 'true love' and shit but that's a little too pessimistic."

"You both are pessimistic," Carla spoke.

"You always think everyone's going to hate your body," she was talking to me and Carter gave me a questioning look.

Carla didn't know how to filter herself.

"And you," she was talking to Carter now.

"Think everyone's going to be the same as your ex-girlfriend."

"And you," Carter spoke to Carla.

"Read too much romance novels."

Carla laughed.

"That's probably true."

I shook my head with a faux chuckle but I felt a bit abashed by Carla's words.

She was right though, it's hard to believe anyone would find my body attractive let alone love it.

Especially when I hated it but did she really need to say that in front of Carter?

And then I started thinking about how I hated my body and how Carter knew that and oh God, I just wanted to lay in bed and not get out.

"Hey, um, I'm actually gonna go home. Tell Sam I said bye," I told them.

I was no longer in the mood to talk to anyone.

[stylistiquements]

Day 1 : Soap Bubbles.

𐐪𐑂 Pairing : Sapnap x fem!reader {Playlist}

𐐪𐑂 Summary : You're being introduce to the internet in a peculiar way, it's up to you to decide what you're going to do with it.

𐐪𐑂 Word count : 1.4k | W: written part underneath

𐐪𐑂 Warning : very few swears

Masterlist | Previous | Next

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

The coffee that sinks inside your stomach brings out a grimace and a click of your tongue where the taste stains; too bitter, too acidic but you’ll drink it anyway and to the last drop; there is something about the idea of spending time with three best friends that is so made of spring and honey that you wish to miss none of it.

“Someone is lurking,” George contemplates out loud, and the call goes silent for a second as if to look for the intruder. And it would so easy to flinch, to hit the back pedal, because you almost feel like one being exposed front stage like that. But today- today is not that day.

It's not that you don't want to join the discussion, it's that it takes a second to warm up, to absorb the energy and become one with it.

And sometimes, all it takes is Sapnap to exclaim, “Panini head, my beloved!” for your smile synchronizes with his chuckles. Somehow, once noticed by the right person, life flows back naturally.

George and Dream greets you in trailing unison, like two kids forced to greet their unwelcomed aunt on a sunday afternoon.

“H-hey troublemakers,” you finally say. Your voice is still quiet, not reluctant, but rather uncertain. It doesn't bother anyone.

“I’m beating Dream’s ass at chess and he’s bitter,” Sap explains, and you silently nod, as if they were able to see you.

A long silence follows along, rythmed by clicks of mouses and keyboards and it falls in your ears like high droplets. It's comfortable. It's intimate, shared with friends only.

"We haven't heard from you in a while," Dream says. "I mean ... before the clout fiasco."

You wouldn't exactly call it a fiasco, even though you don't really like the idea of being perceived a little too closely from the eyes of twitter.com, but you do agree anyway, "I've been caught up on college essays lately."

"That sucks," George probably adds.

“Good thing you’re here, then,” Dream notes, simple as a breath. “This is a worry-free zone.”

It hovers for a second, carried by George’s approval hum.

You squint suspiciously, detective mode, at the profile pictures that light on and off before your eyes, “Thanks, dream.”

He scoffs a “sure” and you’re not sure why you sense a bit of irony stuck on the back of his teeth. You're so tempted to call him out, but you don't. Instead, you write a mental note of this odd moment.

“It’s because I told him about your three brothers and now he’s scared they’re gonna find him and kick his ass,” Sap explains as if he just read your mind.

Sometimes, there’s this thing in the air, though you’re miles away. Something like a connection. There’s this thing when you don’t need to talk for Sap to understand. Sharing one brain cell, you dismiss ironically. Probably coincidences and predictability, but it always sounds a little special, a little like something you’d wish to be out of this world, like morning dew and fairy circles. And it makes you feel safe, at home, just like snuggling up in the sheets during a stormy night. Your smile washes up the sleeve of your hoodie, covered palm carefully hiding your chuckles.

“Three older brothers,” George muses, and there’s no telling if it’s something meant for you to hear. “That’s kinda scary.”

“You better be scared, one of them is probably your FBI agent,” you tease mindlessly, though there's nothing scary about those three grown men.

“I’m British, Bunny,” he points out. Whether the exasperation in his tone is fake or genuine, that, you can’t tell, but you play it cool, grin carved so deep it almost hurts. Dream’s wheezes rise and fall in the background.

“Say that to his face then,” you outbid smirkingly after a second of silence, heels growing into the carpet to make your chair spin slowly left and right, so breezily.

“I’d praise you for the rest of my life if you-Oooooooh your ass is wacked. Your ass is so wacked, dude. You fucked up so bad,” Sapnap chokes out between strings of giggles.

“Oh no, my streamer is losing his game?” You theatrically pout. “My streamer Dreamwastaken, have you met him? Guess you don’t need any of my brothers to kick your ass.”

“Okay yeah- no- it’s not my fault if your- they’re distracting me, okay?” Dream defends.

Slowly, the energy lowers again and the call remembers peace as Dream admits defeat.

“I’m not playing against you anymore,” he mumbles through greeted teeth, your hoodie shelters a muffled giggle. “Let’s talk about y/n’s twitter fame instead.”

“Let’s just not-” you mutter, both because seeing Dream lose at something is a miracle that has to be witnessed once and because you’re somewhat reluctant. “Let’s just not talk about that.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea it would draw this much attention to you,” Sap admits.

“Well, you talk about her all the time it was only a matter of time before twitter finds out,” George taunts and you secretly smile, listening to the way your best friend tries to defend himself, mind flooded with the last memories you have of when you were able to see those chuckles for real.

“Yeah, Quackity already told me you guys talk behind my back,” you fakely muse. “That’s totally fine, I don’t wanna know what you guys are talking about at all.” It’s a lie, obviously, the idea creeps upon your mind with assumptions you can’t quite get a grip of nor let go.

“You and Quackity talk?’ Sapnap asks, hint of surprise, and you hum.

“Or rather, he talks to me. He keeps calling-.” Shit. The forsaken word traps itself into your mouth. It’s too silly anyway.

“Come on, just say it,” Dream pushes as if he knew too much, more than you even do, and your cheeks flush mindlessly. You don’t notice.

“Dream, quit it!” You demand.

“Quit what?”

“You talk as if you knew more than anyone did.”

“Maybe I just do,” he coos, so dream-like.

Oblivious or careless, Sapnap asks, “Is Quackity bothering you or something?”

“He-" you begin but stop to look for the right way to put it, "He triggers my flight or fight response.”

"I mean, duh," Sapnap probably rolls his eyes.

"But I like him. He's funny."

After a second of silence, George says, “Well that was unexpected.”

“Not so much, I think we’re both chaotic neutral people.”

“What is that neutral chaotic thing anyway?” Dream is confused.

Roll up your sleeve girl boss because now is your time to shine! You offer your best dream smp alignment chart to the classroom. They're speechless, but they listen carefully.

"Then you're more chaotic good than neutral. You're too sweet anyway," Sap says.

"I'd even say lawful good," George debates.

"That's because you haven't seen Bunny during her crazy cat hour."

"True," you note.

"She'll go absolutely batshit."

“What?" George burst between confusion and surprise. "We've never seen you like that."

"A lady never reveal her secrets," you retort. No one answer.

It leaves a second for your mind to enjoy peace. For your eyes to lay on c!tubbo on lawful good and think true, then on c!dream on chaotic evil and think also very true. You huff and it's like a wave; as sarcasm leaves your breath, an idea comes in.

"Sap, check your DMs," you request.

Surrounded by the evening lull, Sapnap’s laugh pops like soap bubbles, "God, you’re so stupid. Why can't you just marry me?"

“So, is it Sapnap approved?” You chuckle lightly to prevent Sapnap’s morning fresh laugh to fill your chest and leak everywhere.

“Just press ‘send tweet’ please,” he confirms with leftovers of a smile in his voice.

"George, get me out of here. They're doing it again," Dream whines.

"Doing what?" He asks, unbothered.

"Act like they're alone in the convo. Just get a room." And you don't get to stand up for yourself that you and your best friend are actually sent to another room.

"Well this one is chaotic evil confirmed," you mumble as you roll your eyes but the vibes are much peaceful, much more comfortable in here. "So ... hi."

"Hi," he chuckles in return.

Maybe that's for the best; a moment that needs to stay a little timeless, secretive and special. It hasn't happened in so long, you don't even remember the last time it did.

"I'm glad you're here. I miss you, you know?" He says, and it's hard to not feel so bittersweet about it. It's hard when longing involves a craved touch, a real smile and an eye contact. Your shoulder sinks in the chair a little harder.

"I miss you too. I'll be here soon," you promise. And soon couldn't come any sooner.

But the conversation, soft and free, will wash up any worries, as always, and you'll end up talking about everything and nothing, about streams and planned videos and college and god knows what. As long as it makes the two of you happy and smiling. Just like the old days, you'll both think and it's fair to say until the evening turns into night and night turns into fatigue.

"Are you sure you're okay about that clout?" He asks once again. "I know you don't like being exposed like that."

"Yeah, yeah don't worry too much about it. I'll try to make good use of it."

"I'm sure you will," he murmurs, but oh boy did he not know what was about to come until you two meet.

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

Taglist : @open-minded-chip-101 ; @itsoakaa ; @gaysludge

A/N : so first of all it has come to my attention that 129 days from now on is actually my birthday so that's a weird coincidence lol. Hi how are you guys?? welcome to the first part I hope you liked it. I'm fairly new to the mcyt community and that's the first time I write for them, so bear with me. Feedbacks are always appreciated. Until next time (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc)

[bonny-kookoo]

Smart Girl (J.JK x reader)🔞🌼☁️🎀

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Good Girl!AU, Fluff, Angst, smut (what did you expect?)

Warnings: a bit of separation anxiety and a small panic attack sprinkled into it, but y’all know me by now, Reader is kinda lost without her Koo and emotionally a MESS (TM), sad boy Jungkook, Grumpy Jungkook, a fight between the marshmallow couple yikes, Dom/sub dynamics, Dom!Jungkook, Sub!Reader, Oral (m receiving), manhandling, mild DDLG themes, reader is a bit bratty this time and koo is having none of it, slight hair pulling, I think that’s it? Jungkoo is just the best boyfriendo ever okay

Summary: Jungkook loves how dependent you are on him. You however start to feel a bit different about it when you overhear a coworker of yours, who’s coincidentally also someone he’d slept with in the past, talking about how childish and most of all how much of a burden you are. You try to show Jungkook how independent and strong you can be on your own. And fail miserably. But luckily he's always gonna be there, won't he?

Good Girl || Sweet Girl || Smart Girl || Brave Girl

You don't even know how it started. Maybe it was when you'd told Alex how Jungkook had just recently thrown your small pink plastic chair away, which you had used to reach the highest shelve in the kitchen so that you didn't have to ask him. Truth be told he'd said he didn't do it, yet his smirk afterwards told other words. He was always like this- it was as if he fed his own pride every time he helped you with even the smallest of things. Soohyeon had sighed at that, and you had simply asked what was wrong.

"What I'm saying is, Y/N sweety, maybe he just does it because you seem so lost all the time." Up until now, you and Soohyeon had gotten along quite well, considering the fact that she'd revealed to you early on when Jungkook had picked you up from your work that she and him had a bit of history- bedstories, for that matter. It did made you uncomfortable at first, but she'd reassured you that it had been a one-time-fun thing, no feelings involved. You believed her, considering that he really had been a person like that. Right now however, you began to feel a bit uneasy. "Trust me, I think he's just too soft for you to actually say it out loud." She said, and Alex scoffed.

"You're just bitter Soo, get over it or get out." She said, placing her hands on your shoulders as if to shield you from her words. You both quickly went to change after finishing your shift, however, the uneasy feeling stayed. "You okay?" Your friend asked, clearly concerned over your lack of happiness considering you had been so over the moon earlier that day when you'd explained how you were invited to a company-trip; and Jungkook had agreed to come along. You shook your head yes, but she was clearly not having it. "Look, I think she really is just bitter. Don't let it get to you, okay?" She said, and you smiled.

Back home, things didn't get better though. You were suddenly on edge, Jungkooks presence around you as you started to pack your bag for the next few days felt suffocating, and you couldn't concentrate on his voice at all, even if you wanted to. This was horrible. Were her words really getting under your skin?

"Y/N?" He asked, and you looked up. "You've been staring at that pair of pants for almost ten minutes now. Do you want me to pack them in my bag? That way you don't have to lift so much-" He said, already reaching for the piece of clothing, yet you slapped his hand away. You didn't intend for it to look as harsh as it did, yet you also couldn't apologize in time. "Whoa okay, that's new." He said confused, crouching down next to you on the floor to inspect your face turned downwards. "Whats wrong?" He asked, now actually a little concerned.

You simply folded the pair of jeans, packing them into your bag instead of his like he had suggested. "Nothing, don't worry about it." You mumbled, not noticing the way his eyes started to harden a bit at your attitude. It wasn't the fact that you went against him that bothered him, but the lack of communication going on. He hated it if you didn't talk to him, something you'd promised him to keep to a minimum.

"Okay there, stop." He said, shutting your bag to keep you from continuing, not even letting you protest. "I don't like that attitude baby, you know I hate it when you don't talk to me." He said, looking at you. Normally this would be the extend of your 'bratty-tantrum' how he playfully liked to call it- but no, it seemed like this wasn't just a random outburst, because you genuinely tried to pry his hands away from your bag. He was not having it. "Stop this bullshit-" he said, but you didn't let him finish this time.

No, this time you'd gotten up, making him stand up as well. You shrunk back a bit, but whatever had set you off, it really did it this time. "Fuck off, Stop treating me like a kid Jungkook!" You said, trying to run away from this upcoming argument by leaving the room, yet he didn't leave you alone. In that moment you didn't even think really, because if you had, you would've never reacted the way you eventually did. He waited, leaned against the counter with crossed arms, making you scoff at him. "Maybe you should just stay home Jungkook." You said, leaving him in the kitchen. You were mad. And ready to sleep in your old room- which was technically your room to begin with, yet you had slept in Jungkooks bed for as long as you were together now, so it was more like a guest room at this point.

You didn't care. You needed to be alone.

Jungkook was utterly confused. There was no simpler way to put it. Maybe he really had overlooked the way he was starting to get more and more on your nerves with his constant helping and looking after you- but how could he really overlook that? Maybe he really didn't know you as much as he thought he did. After all, you two hadn't been dating for overly long at this point, and even though he has had relationships before, this was the first time he genuinely felt completely at ease with you. Didn't you feel the same way with him? Maybe Taehyung had been right, and he secretely was pushin his own likes onto you instead of openly communicating- ironic really, considering that he was always demanding to speak up whenever something was up with you. This was a mess. So thinking you truly meant what you'd said, he silently went back into his room, unpacking his bag.

  The next morning, he tried to be as normal as possible. You didn't really fight after all, did you? Yet as soon as you walked out of your room, hair already brushed and clothing chosen carefully for the 7-hour busride, the air felt tense. He suddenly felt as if he was walking on the thinnest of glass shards, and if he wasn't careful he'd prick himself and bleed out on his kitchen floor. This was worse than any mafia-movie had ever depicted a torture scene. What the hell was he supposed to do?

In the end, none of you both really spoke at all, simply silently consuming a bit of breakfast, while you checked your phone to make sure you were on time. You'd seen your pastel pink bag next to the front door, and wanted to go off again. He really expected you to leave alone now? Mad as you were, you stood up and placed your cutlery in the sink, silently grabbing your coat. "Wait, let me-" you turned around and looked at your boyfriend, wanting to cry on the spot right there. He stood like he was genuinely scared to help you with your stuff, and you, intending to not make him even more uneasy as he was, grabbed your bag, opening the front door. You pretended to not see him standing behind you, expecting at least a hug- one which you never gave him, instead shoving your way past him, leaving him at the doorstep, dumbfounded as ever.

The trip wasn't as fun as you thought it would be. In the end, Soohyeon was visibly dissapointed to see that Jungkook didn't join in, which made Alex scoff at her in disgust. Now you felt even worse for letting her words get under your skin. Enjoying anything was a challenge you never wanted to accept, considering that he was supposed to be beside you, making weird remarks at the way your guide was struggling to speak in front of you and your coworkers. You felt bad.

Back home, Jungkook wasn't doing much better. He'd called up Taehyung to talk to him about the fight you both had, and immediately wanted to hang up on it as soon as he told him to just 'fuck it out'. This really wasn't an option with you. You both were so much more than just sex, but he highly doubted Taehyung would understand this.

Maybe he should give you control for now. He'd just let you choose the pace from now on, no sexual innuendo here. Yet he couldn't help but call you anyways after biting his lower lip until he faintly tasted metal on his tongue. He could call you to tell you goodnight, right? You'd like that.. right?

  The Night was even worse. You never liked loud places such as clubs, and Alex wasn't really much help either, since she had just dissapeared somewhere as soon as you all went out. You sat in the hotel bar, busying yourself with your phone because you didn't even drink at all. The more you thought about it, the more you really started to feel like a child. A lost one. So to try and at least get some good rest, you simply went up to your room, shutting the door, and throwing yourself onto your bed, your phone forgotten.

Fighting with Jungkook sucked. That much was kind of obvious to you if you were being honest, yet you never truly thought about why it sucked. It wasn't so much that you knew you were overreacting. It wasn't the fact that he was right, even though that did kind of hurt your ego a little bit- it was more the aftermath and your own stupid hardhead that made you react like you did.

You were a softie. In a sense of, emotionally very easily affected. Things other people simply didn't care about sometimes had a huge effect on you. When you had talked against your mothers advice for the first time at the age of 10, convincing her to buy a blue teddybear for you instead of a pink one made you feel horrible that night- so much so that you found yourself crying way after your bedtime, staring at the soft blue bear in your hands. Not only because you felt bad for doing something simply different than what was expected of you, but because you felt bad for the bear- as stupid as it sounded. Your mother later on talked to you, explaining that it was okay to do things how you wanted sometimes, yet even though you always held that stuffed toy dear to you (even to this day, its still sitting on your bed), your attitude towards things never truly changed. You still had a hard time coming up with the courage to really speak your mind and let things go your way, because you knew you couldn't deal with the aftermath. Just like now.

Jungkook had been right. Oh so right. Yet you couldn't text him, because for once it was actually way too late at night, which was kind of ironic considering the previous story about your childhood, but also because you didn't know what exactly you should say. 'Sorry for being bitter about being bitter?' this was stupid, and you just wanted to throw this stupid white hotel pillow against the stupid hotel wall in front of you. Instead you simply pulled your knees closer to yourself, battling with your own tears. Why did you always cry so much? This was so unfair. Why wasn't Jungkook here, why did he actually let you go on this trip alone, why didn't he stop you, why did you tell him to fuck off, why the fuck did you shove him- so many thoughts started to make the tears finally fall. This was ridiculous. You just wanted to go home. What if something horrible happened and the last thing you said to him were these words?

But had Soohyeon been so wrong? You really were a burden, weren't you? Remembering all those times you'd asked Jungkook to help you made you feel awful, a stark contrast to how these little memories used to remind you how much you loved him. Now they just made your stomach feel stale and empty. Or maybe it was the fact that you had forgotten to eat. Again.

A buzzing sound from under your sheets made you sniffle, grabbing your phone to see who the fuck would be calling you this late.

Jungkook.

You hesitantly picked up.

And before he could even finish his 'Hey doll', you started to sob. Why was he so unfair? And why were you so upset about it?

"Whoa Angel, what's wrong?" He cooed over the phone, and you knew he just wanted to help, but the way he talked to you just fueled your inner thoughts even more. It was like trying to put out a fire by throwing a cardboard box on it- it just made everything worse. And you could physically feel it too- the way your fingers started to tingle, then curl into fists, the way your ears began to sound fuzzy and your head started to spin. You faintly heard Jungkooks frantic voice, counting. Counting? "One.. two.. three.. and out. Thats it baby, breathe." He said softly, and you could slowly feel your fingers again, sniffling softly and rubbing your eyes- before instantly regretting it when you saw your mascare on the back of your hand, smeared like the words of your first essay in school when you'd accidentally wiped across the ink that wasn't dry yet. "Talk to me baby."

His voice was like velvet over the phone, and you wanted to cry again. You had to swallow several times, searching for your voice before you spoke. "I'm sorry." You said, and before you could continue, your own sobs thought it would be nice to choke you up again. Now you just cried out of frustration, and it pained Jungkook way deeper than he liked to admit. This was horrible for him, the way he could clearly hear your painful whimpers, he just knew you were getting a headache already- and he couldn't do anything from this far away. He could only wait for you to continue. "You- I was so mean to you and so so dumb and I didn't mean it, I promise." You said tearfully. "I love how you drive me to work sometimes, how you get me things from the upper shelves in the kitchen, how- how you help me carry the groceries, a-and how you help with- with reminding me to eat, and how you tried to help me with my car even though you had no clue what to do and-" You said, and he hushed you again, noticing how you got riled up again. "I feel so bad 'Koo, I didn't even hug you goodbye when you stood behind me and I even pushed you and I didn't answer your texts and I really wanted you to come here too cause everyone's just drinking and I hate that, and there's this weird arcade place close by and you always told me how I suck at video games so I wanted you to show off there again even though I always tell you I hate it and-" You said, and he laughed.

"Baby stop, breathe." He said, grinning so hard his cheeks started to hurt. He always told everyone how soft you were, yet no one believed him when he said it. Taehyung always said you probably held the reigns in the bedroom, yet how could you ever? He just wanted to shelter you from the entire world, your soul way too gentle and fragile to be placed in such a rough environment in his opinion. He'd started to google the fastest route to your hotel, internally sighing when he saw the 6-hour mark on the quickest way. He didn't care however. "It's alright angel. First of all, you're not dumb." He said, sending the route to his phone while getting up to grab some clothes and his bag. "You're the smartest girl I've ever met okay, and nothing will change that." Not really caring what exactly he grabbed, he made sure to get an extra sweater for you to put on, knowing how you didn't pack any of his in your anger. "Second of all, why were you even mad in the first place baby? I really don't get it. If you want me to take care of you the way I did, why did it set you off yesterday?" He asked, genuinely confused.

You bit your lip, curled up on the way too large double bed which had been booked since Jungkook was technically supposed to be here. "Soohyeon said-" you began, but he groaned loudly at that, making you pout.

"Soohyeon? I really should've known. That woman really can't take rejection can she?" He said, his mood rotting the more he thought about her. "I don't think I wanna know what she said. Look baby, whatever she said, it's bullcrap okay?" Zipping up his bag quietly to not raise suspicion on your side, he sat back down on the corner of the bed. "I love you, alright princess? I'd tattoo that onto my forehead if I could keep my job after that." He said, and you giggled at that, making him visibly deflate. Thank god. "I love that sound too. Now go wash your face and drink some water so that your headache won't be so bad in the morning, alright?" He said, and you nodded, before internally cringing and answering him verbally. "Good. Now sleep baby, we'll talk tomorrow, alright? Love you." He said. And you immediately said it back, rushing into the bathroom after ending the call.

The next day started with a message on your phone, reminding you to drink lots of water to conquer your headache, and you smiled this time. When you met up with Alex for breakfast in the Hotel Lobby, she had greeted you with a hug, yet she also asked what was wrong, and why you'd left so suddenly last night. You explained to her what happened, leaving a few smaller details out that would be embarrassing down the line, like your slight panic attack over the phone simply because you remembered how you didn't hug him goodbye. That was your secret to keep.

She'd helped you with carrying your plate, when suddenly someone took it from her with a thanks, and your eyes widened when a hand was placed on the small of your back, the warmth of it slowly seeping through your shirt. You should be terrified but at least a bit uneasy, yet it was the smell that suddenly hung in the air that made your eyes almost water. Not because it was too present like your mom's perfume every time you went out to dinner as a family, but because you knew this- because Jungkook hated strong smells, and always washed his clothes with a specific fabric softener. But- how?

"Surprise?" He said, looking over your shoulder with his sugary sweet bunny smile, and you hugged him, careful of the plate he held in his hand. He simply laughed, already feeling way better than back home. Because even if he didn't outright say it, even just a day apart, especially when you both have had an argument before, had been hell for him. He was concerned for you whenever he couldn't be close to you, not because he thought you weren't capable, but because he thought why should you deal with things he could deal with way easier? When it came down to it, he was sure that you could stand up for yourself- you weren't a child before, as much as you may thought you were in his eyes. It was tricky, to say the least.

Soohyeon's eyes widened at the view of Jungkook walking into the hotel restaurant for breakfast, yours and his plate in his hands while looking for a table you could both sit at. It wasn't so much so that she was jealous, not really, because the dynamic you both had was nothing she wanted in a relationship- yet she couldn't help but feel a bit upset over the fact that he had gotten into a relationship with you. Technically, you were absolutely not his type, but what did she know?

Jungkook chuckled as he sat down with you next to a window, knowing even though you didn't outright say it that you liked this particular seat. He could spot Soohyeon in the corner of his eye, and wanted to laugh a bit, yet decided not to, simply as to not embarass you. You smiled, happy that he was there, and that was all that counted. "So, about that arcade place-" He started, and you groaned a bit, making him laugh. "Hey, come on, let me tease you a bit baby. You were the one leaving me cold like that, remember?" He said, and regretted it as soon as those words left him when he saw you visibly deflate. "Hey- sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Let's not talk about that right now, okay?" He said, and you nodded, shoving another piece of toast between your teeth.

Suddenly that trip didn't feel so boring after all. Having Jungkook at your side made almost everything way better- and funnier. You felt more freedom now, knowing that you had someone at your side who would have your back if you did something bold. It was like Jungkook's presence gave you a sudden boost in confidence, Alex smiling every time you made a sassy comment, being a stark contrast to how you'd acted before. But that was just the effect he had on you.

You both later on ditched the rest of the group and decided to go back to the hotel room- simply because you insisted, even though Jungkook himself told you over and over again that he wasn't tired, sometimes even being interrupted by a yawn as if his body was trying to tell you how big of a lie his words were. You didn't mind at all that he needed a bit of rest, you loved sleep after all, and it was even better when you could sleep in the arms of a loved one like him. He immediately fell onto the bed, sighing in relief and you laughed at that, putting down your handbag before going into the bathroom to take off your makeup. It was still mid-day, but you honestly didn't feel like wearing anything anymore, rather happily grabbing your makeup-wipes and cleaning your face. Jungkook came into the bathroom, smiling as he took in your now clean face. "I love it when you don't wear makeup." He said, wrapping his hands around your middle and placing a kiss on your cheek. Ever since your little 'moment' a week ago, he'd been way more generous with his kisses around you. It seemed like he'd officially broken down an internal wall, like he learned something new and had to experience it over and over to really get the hang of it. And you loved it.

Back on the bed, you had your phone in hand, randomly checking your twitter feed for anything interesting, when Jungkook finally emerged from the bathroom, having insisted on taking a very long hot shower because 'look, I payed for this shit so I'm gonna use it'. You'd laughed at that and the fact that he insisted on having you shower with him, yet eventually giving up after you'd explained to him that that's dangerous, that you could slip and hurt yourself because you just knew he wouldn't be able to keep his hands to himself- that thought alone made him shut up, if a bit pouty. He had a towel wrapped around his lower parts, but the view of his bare upper body wasn't something unusual. He had a habit of normally sleeping without a shirt, and generally walking around the apartment without one on a day off for that matter. You didn't really knew why exactly he did that, but hey, you weren't complaining at all. He suddenly laid down on top of you in a teasing way, his arms resting next to your elbows keeping your upper body up since you were laying on your stomach. Of course he didn't let himself fall down, knowing he would probably crush you under his weight, but he also knew that you loved being this close to him, even if you sometimes made pouty remarks on how he was bullying you for being small. "what'cha doing?" He said, placing his chin on top of your head, trying to catch a glimpse of your phonescreen while you scrolled down. He became increasingly more touchy, suddenly running his fingers over your arms, moving his head to rest on your shoulder, before he eventually started to softly kiss the side of your neck. You had to admit it was hard resisting, but you liked to test his patience once in a while. "Yah, pay attention to me.." He whined, playfully biting the skin just above your collarbone, making you squeak, and him laugh darkly. Today, it seemed like he wasn't really up for playing. Because once he saw that you still refused to give into his advances, he eventually placed his way larger hand over yours, pressing the lock button on your phone before taking it from you.

"Hey!" You said, turning around and sitting criss-crossed while watching him place your phone on the bedside table, even making sure to connect the charger before turning around to face you again. His hair was still damp, his skin soft and still a little red on some parts where the water had heated him up. Even though his eyes held something mischievous and impish in them, you noticed just how young and fierce he looked; it made you remember just how much of an untamed person he really was. While you were someone attached to him like a newly grown limp, he was free to go wherever he wanted. Maybe he was just as uncaring then? Would he really slow down himself in order to make you catch up to him? Maybe he would. He'd shown you again and again just how gentle he actually could be, yet he also never backed down from a challenge with anyone. You really weren't as competitive as him, yet his nature had started to really colour your soul as well, making you bolder whenever he was around. Turning back time to the beginning of your relationship, you would've never seen you being so open with him like you were now. "You aren't even wearing clothes, gimme my phone back 'koo-" You started, but he'd seen through you already.

He smiled and crawled up to you, his towel getting caught under his knee during his movements making it eventually just lay on the matress underneath his legs as he towered over you, this time your body laying on its back underneath him and his gaze. You blushed chrimson, trying hard not to look down at all, and it made him laugh. "Oh baby, I don't plan on sleeping right now." He said, hands grabbing your wrists and putting them over your head. "And I don't need clothes either for what I'm about to do." He whispered, turning his head to the side and watching your face for a minute before chuckling. "Seriously doll? You've seen it all more than once by now, how are you still shy?" Moving his hands to run over your form, he stopped for a second, face serious. "Do you want to? We don't have to right now." He said, and you shook your head at that. You'd missed him. You wanted him too.

Moving to throw your shirt over your head, he instantly leaned in for a kiss, the newfound sensation now one of his favorite feelings with you. Back then kissing had been somewhat of a taboo for him; not because he didn't like it, but because he'd always been a hopeless romantic deep down, promising himself that he would keep a signature offering just as kissing for his actual lover, not just anyone he'd screw. It was such a meaningful gesture to him that he could not bring himself to kiss anyone other than you- but he'd never tell you that. That was embarassing. Your soft mewls eventually brought his thoughts back to you, moving his hands and lips away from where they had been to new destinations. Your lavender colored shorts had to go as well as your white lacy bra- and he smiled at the fact that this time was a rare occurance where you didn't match up your underwear. He thought about teasing you about it, but eventually decided against it, feeling way too needy for your taste and touch at this point. Suddenly however, you spoke up.

"Ngh, wait-" You said, and he immediately stopped what he was doing, eyes searching yours for any explanation. A blush covered your face and heaving chest, a view he would describe as heavenly if it wasn't for the slight concern that made its way through his brain. I wanna, uhm.." You started, but went into panic mode. How where you supposed to ask him that? You'd been so bold before with pleasuring him with your hands, yet you wanted to go even further- however, you never even saw so much as porn of it before, clicking away as soon as you thought you could watch it. Maybe it was really childish, but this was something you wanted to try, your curiousness getting the best of you at this point, but you also didn't know how to express that properly. Maybe he didn't even like those things, maybe he would be against it, and then the moment would be ruined and the night would become awkward as hell. His hand was placed on your chin, his thumb gently pulling your lower lip out from your teeth to stop your biting. This was your Jungkookie for god's sake, he would never laugh at you for this! (He actually would, just a little bit, but that was besides the point.) "I uhm.." you started again, before closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. "I wanna go down on you too." You rushed, and waited for his response. Which did take a bit.

His eyes were wide open, and for a moment he looked just like the phrase always said, 'like a deer caught in the headlights'. You wanted to... what? It wasn't like he was against it or complaining, hell fucking no, but when did you even get that idea? It was always a little confusing to him how you could be so angelic, yet so mature at the same time. Suddenly his mind started to go nuts, visions of you on your knees in front of him, eyes so innocent staring up at him while he had his length placed inside your mouth- good lord. "Are you.. sure? You don't have to, you know-" He started but you cut him off.

"I'm sure, I just-" You said, playing with your fingers out of habit. "You would need to, you know, tell me how.." Jungkook almost growled at that. Of course that was your first time; and the fact that you trusted him so much as to ask him for this made his pride swell up- well, not only that, but right now he had other priorities. He gently traced your cheek, before moving to get a pillow from the bed, placing it on the floor at the corner.

"Alright baby." He said, and you nervously went down to kneel on the pillow, thankful that he didn't make you place your knees on the hardwood floor. But then again, he'd never do anything to hurt you whatsoever, so it wasn't too surprising. Somehow, even though you'd seen it countless of times you still avoided eye contact with his hard on, making him smile a bit. Your nervousness was quite endearing to him if he was honest, yet he would never voice that out loud. Instead, he slowly took your hands, placing them just underneath his navel, before he ran a hand through your hair, brushing it out of your field of vision for you. "Take your time pretty girl, just do what you think feels right." He said, voice low but steady. "I'll lead you on the way. Just relax." He spoke, hands never stopping his gentle reassurance. Even though you felt like you would never be ready, you slowly started to move your hands. At first you placed them on the inside of his thighs, getting a feel of it, before moving them to his hipbones and leaving them there. You slowly breathed to calm your own nerves before you placed a kiss on the side of him, making him breath out a bit heavier. Easing into it, you eventually took the tip inside your mouth, bitter and salty tastes combining in your mouth from the taste of his skin and slight precum. It wasn't unpleasant though, so you didn't shy away.

As soon as you started to suck just a little, his head fell back. His breathing was a bit shaky you noticed, and when you took a little more of him in, you noticed how the muscles of his stomach tightened. "Just like that-" He breathed out, getting interrupted when you swallowed around him a little as to not drool all over the place. You moved backwards to let him pop out before taking him in again, soft lips leaving a heavenly feeling behind. He looked at you with admiration, and if his mind had been trying to display an image of what you maybe looked like in this situation, nothing could've prepared him for the view he actually got. Second after second you got more comfortable in what you were doing, but it was when your eyes innocently looked up at him while your head turned a little to the side, hair bruhing his thigh, that he broke. A grunt was leaving his lips as you reached for his hand, intertwining your fingers in his. The way how you made something so filthy feel so romantic made him a little jealous- you always did things like this so effortlessly, while he struggled with writing a fucking birthday card the right way without making it sound over the top or cheesy. "God- yes-" He choked out, before you placed your free hand around the rest of him that wouldn't fit into your mouth, moaning a bit yourself around him. "I don't even have to- fuck- teach you anything-" he said, chuckling a bit under his breath, chest heaving and dusted in a mild watermelon shade, sweat starting to glisten on his skin. "you're such a smart girl, ah- you're my good girl, so so good, fuck-" He said, thighs suddenly trembling. His hand found its way into your hair, his grip tightening a bit without being too rough. "Baby I'm gonna cum, princess, stop I'm- ah-!“ He said, but you almost cockily didn't stop, instead swallowing again around him, before you could feel his cum heavy on your tongue as he actually whimpered out a moan. Your nose scrunched up a bit at the taste yet you swallowed it down, and he fell backwards, taking a deep breath. You moved to stand up, legs a bit sore from your position, laying down on your stomach next to him, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. "You really are something else dollface." He said, his hand placing itself behind your ear before he pulled you closer, kissing you deeply. He didn't mind the slighty weird taste of his own release on your tongue one bit.

The way you could rile him up in a matter of seconds was witchcraft, he was sure of it, yet he didn't mind being cursed if it was you putting a spell on him. It didn't matter as long as he could be like this with you forever at this point. Was this what love actually was? His kisses were deep, rushed, as if he was running out of time again, but that was who he was. Jungkook was an impatient man, only slowly learning to take a break or stop and stare for a second. He'd been a selfish and hurried being before he'd eventually met you, nowadays starting to make time for things instead of squeezing his happiness in between seemingly important tasks during his day. Moments like these however made him fall back into his old steps, yet you didn't mind at all. This was just who he was, and you loved him either way. His hand travelled lower, eventually finding your folds, slipping between them with ease, your juices making every motion glide softly as ever. Putting pressure on your pulsing nub you mewled into his mouth, back arching off the matress and chest pushing against his, your hands grabbing the sheets in small fists before loosening up, just to grab them again. You gasped when he eventually let your lips go, instead playfully biting and sucking on the skin of your shoulder down to your collarbone, making sure to leave his marks on his way. His fingers eventually slipped inside you, curling up to have you moving to a beat only you both could feel. He took them out of you after a bit of making sure you were ready for him, impatiently pumping his length to get himself ready as well, before he grabbed his travelbag, opening it hurriedly and grabbing a familiar foil package. Ripping it open with slightly shaking hands, he rolled it over his sensitive tip, making sure it was properly placed before he joined you again on the now dishelved hotel bed. The first push made you both groan out, before you had moved your legs, heels placing themselves just above his behind, trying to keep him close to you. He sighed, swallowing between breaths, sweat now making his skin glow as the sun slowly peaked out beneath the clouds again, shining through the window, blinds drawing patterns of glowing stripes on your skin wherever it could reach you two. He whished he could take a picture right now, the entire scenery so sappy and aesthetic to him that he couldn't help but plead that he would never forget this view. He groaned when you started to clench around him. "Ugh, you're so good to me princess.." He pressed out between grunts. His pace picked up again, the sound of skin against skin ever so present in the room. "Such a good- good girl for me, yeah?" He said, and smiled when you nodded at him, hands grabbing at his biceps, holding onto him for dear life. Your orgasm came sudden, so sudden that it made you yelp a bit, an in your ears way too loud moan escaping- while it sounded like music to Jungkook himself as he released inside the condom inside you, body shaking as he slowly pulled out making you whine at him cutely.

You both laid beside each other, Jungkook putting the sheets over your body, knowing how easily you got cold afterwards. He curled up behind you after getting rid of his condom, pulling you as close to him as possible, sun slowly glowing warmer and warmer, before you both fell asleep.

"hey." Something touched the tip of your nose. You scrunched it up, groaning before pulling the sheets higher to cover your face. "No no, baby." The voice of your boyfriend was evident, sleep lacing it a little but he seemed to be awake. "If you sleep any longer you'll get a headache princess." He said, and you turned around again to face him, hating how he was right. "There you are. Good morning." He said, smile ever so present on his features. You remembered briefly getting up late at night and showering after Jungkook helped you with it, before falling asleep again. Now it was almost 11 in the morning, and you were surprised how long you'd slept. "We missed breakfast, but I wanted to take you out for some fast food anyways." He said, sitting up and making you smile impishly.

"Chicken Nuggets for breakfast?" You asked a bit timidly, and he chuckled.

"Only because you gave me head yesterday." He bluntly said, and you hid yourself again.

He really was the worst boyfriend ever. And the best.

"I still can't believe how that was your first time doing that."

"Please stop talking about it-"

"Oh I will. If I can get another one tonight?"

"Shut up 'Koo."

"Oh you love me!"

Yes. Yes you did.

Thank you so much for reading, and again, don't hesitate to send in asks for 'koo or the MC to answer! Much love, Bonny <3

[mochiiwrites]

🍁✨Autumn Troupe Headcanons!✨🍁

Hooray for more uncensored swearing! Sorry, this took so long! It’s hard to think of things for the Autumn Troupe since I don’t know them super well!

🍁🧡Banri Settsu🧡🍁

Whenever it's time for practice, Banri begins by smacking the back of Juza's head! (Not super hard, but enough for it to piss him off)

Diluc main, that is all. Before he got Diluc he was an Amber main, and somehow was good. Still uses her every once in a while!

Slightly intimidated by languages sometimes, I dunno how to explain it, so hopefully the dialogue does!

“Banri, come here for a second.”

“Hell no, I’m in the middle of a match right now.”

“Banri.”

“Sit your ass down and wait, Chikage! I’m busy!”

"Halika dito! Huwag kang humintay na papatayin kita at iwanan kitang dumugo sa lansangan! Inumin ng mga aso ang iyong dugo at kukunin ng mga uwak ang iyong laman. Gusto mo yan?!" ("Come here! Don't wait for me to kill you and leave you bleeding in the street! Dogs will drink your blood and crows will take your flesh. Do you want that ?!" ) I'm unsure of the translation, since the filipino was from Irumaaaaa_saaaaamaaaaa's comment on my Ao3! I just put it into google translate

“Damn! Fine, fine, I’m comin! Chill out!”

His older sister gave him a leopard plushie when he was a kid, which is why he’s fucking obsessed with animal prints!

Plays drums and almost broke the coffee table because he “jammed too hard” on it!

Constantly messing up Taichi’s hair, or he’s drumming to songs on his head.

*boom boom bap boom boom bap*

“Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise, playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday! You got mud on your face, you big disgrace! Kicking your can all over the place, singin'-”

“We will, we will rock you!”

“Haha! Hell yeah!”

🍁💜Juza Hyodo💜🍁

Likes carrying Muku or Kumon on his shoulders! Sometimes they still parade around!

“Are you sure about this, Ju-chan?”

“Yeah, you’re real light, y’know.”

“What the hell are you doing, Hyodo? Practice is soon.”

Chews on things a lot when he’s nervous! He always has gum or a lollipop to avoid chewing on his shirt, his nails and other inedible things!

Uses shorter Mankai members as an armrest, but only the ones who are okay with it! He’s polite like that.

On nights where he just can’t sleep, he’ll go on walks or drive around on his motorcycle!

Terrible with eye contact and looking like he’s paying attention. Sakyo has to snap his fingers at him to make sure he’s listening!

Y’know the awkward sibling hug from Gravity Falls, he and Kumon have done that...a lot. It’s not actually awkward though, they just liked the show!

“Awkward sibling hug?”

“...Awkward sibling hug.”

*embrace*

“...pat, pat.”

....

“Hyodos, what the hell?”

🍁💖Taichi Nanao💖🍁

Cried twice when he got his piercings, the first time was because he was very, very afraid, the second time was because he was so happy that he looked good with them!

Has Heelys! One time, he tried to 'heely' into the rehearsal room, but he immediately fell over!

Plays the ukulele! He wanted to play guitar because he saw someone serenading their partner with it at school! He borrowed Masumi's guitar but bar chords suck and his hands are kinda small, so he settled for the uke!

"Aghhh! How do you play that! That hurts my fingies!"

"I have bigger hands and more experience."

"But you're only like an inch taller than me!"

"Height doesn’t really have anything to do with this."

Has a Tiktok! He doesn't post often, it's more for looking at memes or sick outfits. (He does the dances though! He's pretty good at them but they're all in his drafts since he's not super confident in them!)

Y’know how kids crawl up the stairs really fast. He does that. Constantly. Kazunari joins in, sometimes. It pisses Sakyo off a lot, but he gave up on trying to get them to stop.

"Taicchan, what are you doing?"

"Kazu-kun! I got the zoomies!"

"Nice! Can I join ya?"

"For sure!"

*Rapid thumping up the stairs*

"Aren't you gonna stop them, Sakyo?"

"...If I had that ability, they would've stopped a long time ago. Those idiots don't listen."

He LOVES Sk8 The Infinity! Langa's his favourite character! He's also probably a Reki kinnie!

🍁💙Omi Fushimi💙🍁

(It's blue like his regular shirt and Tumblr doesn't have any other colours ;-;)

Despite being tone-deaf, he hums a lot when he cooks! No one seems to mind it!

Enjoys scrapbooking! He kind of prefers scrapbooks to albums, since scrapbooks have a more homemade vibe, you know?

Gives the best hugs, and tends to hold hands with the younger members when they cross the street!

Regularly has this conversation!

“Banri, have you eaten?”

“I dunno Omi, have YOU eaten?”

“...I have. But that's not what I’m concerned about.”

“...I had a granola bar like, an hour ago.”

“...I’m making you something.”

When he first joined the company, he took notes on what everyone liked and didn't like to eat, plus if they had allergies! He still has it, he just doesn't need to use it anymore!

I feel like something like this has happened once!

“Ah, Omi! Can you help me grab something?”

“Oh, sure. What do you need, Sakuya?”

“Homare asked me to get some of that tea, but I can’t rea-”

*lifts Sakuya like Simba*

“Ah! Omi, haha! What are you doing?”

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it! Do you want me to stop?”

“Oh, no, it’s fine! It’s kinda fun actually.”

🍁💛Sakyo Furuichi💛🍁

Absolutely blind without his glasses, like it’s really bad. He walked into a doorframe without his glasses. Thankfully, no one noticed (he thinks).

He has a bit of bubble-wrap in his a pocket all the time and sometimes he uses it as a threat! (Hopefully that made sense...)

“Settsu, move over.”

“I literally can’t! Your fat ass is taking too much space!”

*pop*

“Just scoot your lazy ass over.”

*pop*

“I can’t I already-”

*pop*

“...Alright, I get it! I’ll shut up! Jeez, how is that so threatening...”

“...Asshole.”

*pop*

“...Sorry.”

Definitely told Azami that Santa wasn’t real when he was like 6.

Sakoda got him a mug that said #1 Dad but he crossed it out and replaced ‘Dad’ with ‘Aniki’! Sakyo still drinks out of it, sometimes!

Azami also made him a friendship bracelet when he was a lot younger. Sakyo doesn’t wear it (because it doesn’t fit him anymore) but he still has it! He likes rubbing the beads between his fingers.

Good at trivia! Like, really good. He somewhat enjoys Trivia Murder Party. (I just watched a play through and skipped to a random question, I have no idea if it’s actually hard lol.)

“Which body of water connects the Mediterranean Sea to the Atlantic Ocean?”

“Wh- How are we supposed to know that?!”

*Sakyo answers ‘The Strait of Gibraltar’ and is the only one who answers correctly*

“Fuck, my thumb slipped.”

“That shouldn’t be allowed. Sakyo’s shitty and old, he shouldn’t be able to know and remember things.”

“Oi, brat. I’m not that old. You’re not the one who got the answer right.”

“You’re not the one who literally never learned this!”

🍁❤️Azami Izumida❤️🍁

Has smacked too many cans/cups out of Itaru and Tsuzuru’s hands!

“Wh-”

“Drink actual water. And jeez, go take a nap or something. Your skin is even worse than I thought it could get. Aren’t you supposed to be the responsible one in the Spring Troupe?”

“Ah... I guess, you are right. Thanks for looking out for me.”

“W-well! W-we can’t have you on stage looking like a raisin! S-so!”

Often criticizes Izumi’s eyeliner and ends up just doing it for her. N-not that he minds or anything!

Played Love Nikki at some point, I do not take that much criticism.

Because I think the troupe/play themes are canon, he definitely helped with Shake the Shape and wrote some of RESPAWN!

Always has extra hair ties on him, even though most of the others don’t really need them. Most of the time, the hair ties end up being used for...other purposes.

“Ready.”

“What?”

“Aim.”

“Azami, I swear to whatever god is listening, if you fire that elasti-”

“Fire.”

“...You shitty brat-”

“Oh shi-”

Part of the ‘wears nail polish’ squad! He hates stickers. (Most of the time they somehow fall off) His go-to is an alternating pattern of black and red.

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret - Chapter 1

A/N- So first of all, extremely mature themes, strictly 18+ only This is my baby, I love it and I'm so excited for it but oh my lord! My poor heart writing this. This is going to be a super angsty series. Since I got the idea I've been desperate to get it written, even though it's going to break my heart. The dynamics of it have been driving me insane because I want the first chapter to have a air of mystery to it but then how do I tag it without giving it away? 😩 So I've purposefully left out names in this chapter so you don't know who's who and all will be revealed in good time. Can you work out what's happening? I'd love to hear your thoughts ❤️

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter destruction.

Word count- 2,197

Warnings- Mature themes, swearing, smut, angst, deceit, lies

18+ only!

Taglist-: @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke

Posted: 25th Feb 2021

"Babe, don't hate me... I have to go out of town for another conference this weekend" The deep confliction you feel everytime you do this to your boyfriend, never gets any easier.

"I don't hate you, we'll make up for it next week. How about a little romantic trip, just the two of us" he says sweetly, making your heart tug, you wish he was a bad guy it would make this a lot easier.

"That sounds like a great plan, I'll make it up to you tonight" you say, distracted by your thoughts.

"Well that sounds... Intriguing. I'll see you tonight babe" he hung up the phone but you kept it to your ear, still deep in thought before finally realising and putting the phone on the desk next to your computer.

You finished typing up the letter you were working on before the phone call, looking back and forth from your phone to the screen of your computer, still distracted by your thoughts. The butterflies in your stomach making you feel sick. You gave in and grabbed your phone, typing out a text quickly.

-I've told him. Pick me up from work at 5.30 Friday - you stop typing to think for a minute, before finishing the text with two kisses - xx

You try to get your head back into work, the neverending pile of deadlines building up on your desk next to you. When your phone vibrates the desk loudly, you look around to make sure no one's watching you before giving in to your curiosity and picking up your phone.

-Great, see you Friday. I can't wait to see you xxx

You try to feel excited but the overwhelming amount of guilt you feel always overrides that. You wish it could be different, that you could've met in a different way. That you could actually thoroughly enjoy the time you have together rather than feeling a deep shamefulness everytime you meet.

You've got yourself into something so deep that you can't think of a way out of it, either way it ends somebody is going to be hurt. In fact, one way or the other, you're all going to be hurt.

                             *******************

"Hey babe, did you have a good day?" Your boyfriend greets you as you walk into the kitchen, filled with the aromas of the food he was cooking for you.

"It was ok, busy. This smells amazing. What you making?" You ask, kissing him on the cheek as he stands over the stove, stirring a pot of delicious smelling liquid.

"I'm just making a sauce for the pasta" he says letting go of his wooden spoon and grabbing you by the hand to spin you around and face him. 

"Did you bring dessert?" He says into your ear, moving your hair to the side and planting kisses down your neck.

"What no, was I supposed to?" You couldn't remember him saying anything about dessert, yet you'd been pretty distracted most of the day.

"I'm sure you said something about making it up to me tonight?" He smirks, pulling you in for a lingering open mouthed kiss.

"Oh, yeah. That kind of dessert" you say, pulling away slightly.

"Are you ok? You seem kinda ... Distracted" he asks, a look of concern on his face as you shuffle though the papers in your bag.

"No, sorry babe. It's just work, I've had a lot on my mind today" you lie, sort of. You had a lot on your mind it just wasn't work related, even though you wish it was.

As you put the papers back into your bag you can feel your phone vibrating. Fuck sake, not now. Becoming flustered you accidentally drop the bag onto the glass table, nearly jumping out of your skin from the loud noise your phone made as it hit the glass. 

You notice your hands shaking as you hold your phone in front of you, cursing yourself under your breath for being so pathetic. Reading the text has your heart beating at an unbelievable pace, making you light headed and dizzy. 

-Can you meet me tonight? I hate this, I hate not being able to see you whenever I like. Please Y/N xxx

You pull out a chair and sit down before you fall down, why do you have to be pulled about in so many different directions? It was so hard leading a double life and keeping your dirty little secret, it literally ate away at your soul. You were a shell of the person you used to be, completely consumed with lies and deceit.

Sleepless nights, tossing and turning caused by guilt and work schedules and then still having to sneak away whenever you could. You lost yourself, trying to keep two people happy while completely forgetting about yourself.

"Babe?" 

"Huh?" You say looking up from your phone, you hadn't realised he'd been speaking to you.

"I said, red or white? He asks, furrowing his brow at you.

"Sorry, what?" You look confused, shaking your head as if to shake the thoughts right out of there. You have no idea what he's talking about.

"Wine? Foods ready. Do you want red or white... wine?" Looking more concerned.

"Oh, white please. Thank you, this looks amazing" you say, putting your phone into your shirt pocket and tucking your chair under the table, ready to get started. It really did look amazing, you don't deserve him. 

You watched him sit down opposite you, his ridiculously blue eyes catching yours as his fork passes to his lips. He smiles that sweet smile at you, the one that made you fall in love with him all those years ago. The memories of the years flash in front of your eyes in an instant, the first time he told you he loved you, the first kiss, the first time you made love, beautiful, beautiful memories. You can feel a tear prickling at the corner of your eye, lowering your head, hoping he didn't see. 

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks, reaching across the table to hold your hand in his. The feel of his touch on your hand sends shivers down your spine and the tears spill from your eyes without warning. You hear his chair screech as he pushes it backwards and rushes to your side.

"Babe, please tell me what's wrong?" He kneels In front of you while you rest your head in your hands, completely overwhelmed with guilt. This poor man, my man, how could I do this to him?

"Don't be nice to me, I don't deserve it" you say, self-loathing.

"What are you talking about? Come here" he pulls you up and sits down with you on his lap, lifting your face to look at him which makes you cry even more. 

"I've been so distant with you, so consumed in my damn work that I've been totally neglecting you - " you cry, looking up at him sincerely, tears streaming down your face messily " - I'm so sorry" if only he knew how sorry you actually were. You loved him, he was your first everything, which makes it even harder for you.

"Hey don't be so silly. I'm a big boy, I think I can handle you being a little distracted, it just means when we do get time together it's more special. You've put up with so much from me, with the tabloids and papparzzi. You took it all on when we were still so young and never complained once, this is nothing compared to that" he wipes the tears away from your cheeks. Oh baby, please don't blame yourself.

"I would do it all over again, you know? It was worth it, I'd never change it. You're my childhood sweetheart, we've grown up together and I... I" you're balling like a baby now.

"Shh, baby. Please don't worry about it. You need a break, you've been working way too hard" if only he knew.

He nudges the side of your face with his soft bearded cheek until you give in and look up at him. The tears are also starting to well in his eyes and he smiles at you, at how silly and emotional you're both being. You suck it up and wipe the tears away with your arm.

"Come on, I've got some making up to do" you say, leading him to the bedroom. Your phone begins to vibrate in your pocket - an incoming call. You reach in and hold down the off button, you'll deal with that later.

He stops you before you make it to the bedroom and pushes you hastily against the wall, unable to wait much longer. His hands feel their way down your body until he reaches the hem of your skirt and pushes it up to your stomach, revealing your lacey panties. Your breath hitches as he pushes himself against you, the feel of his hard cock against your exposed panties makes you forget everything else for a moment. 

"I love you so fucking much" he says against your lips, biting gently on your bottom one while his hands run up and down your body. You reach down to unbutton his jeans, it's all very rushed and desperate, you need to feel each other, feel the love you have for each other. You need to show him, a painful desire that burns in your chest to show him that you love him.

So you push him backwards towards the bedroom door, your hands still working his jeans as your lips lock, never pulling apart.

Shoving him slightly too hard back onto your super-king bed in the middle of the room, you waste no time straddling him. He reaches up to unbutton your shirt, thrusting into you as he does so, the need so bad it hurt. You stopped his fingers fiddling with your button midway down your torso so you could pull off his jeans and boxers, while he props himself up on the bed with his elbows. Watching intently as you take control.

You kneel between his thighs, smoothing your hands down those thick muscles. Waiting for him to position himself at the end of the bed, making sure he has a good view before you run your pierced tongue up the shaft, all the way to the tip. Teasing him, knowing full well how it makes him feel. The ways his head falls back, his mouth hung open and the sounds falling from his lips, stir something deep inside you. It makes you feel hot to know you're turning him on this much.

Circling your pointy tongue around the tip, a sultry stare straight into his eyes makes him groan. You take his tip into your mouth, swallowing the drop of precum, licking your lips for him. Sucking on his cock, feeling it throbbing in your mouth, growing impossibly harder.

You can tell he can't handle it anymore when he pulls you onto him so you're sitting on his cock, your walls stretching around him making you both suck in air at the sensitivity. He leans back up to finish unbuttoning your shirt while thrusting his big cock, deep within you. Finally getting your shirt off, he grips his fingers into your ass cheeks, squeezing them as he sits up. Bouncing up and down on his dick, while you stare into each others eyes, the intimacy overwhelming you. Lost in the moment for a precious amount of time, feeling the sensation of your loves cock filling you up beyond limits.

You pull his shirt over his head, revealing his beautifully, tanned body. Holding on tightly to you while he pushes himself up the bed so he can lean his back against the headboard. Watching your tits move as you bounce on his cock, thrusting into you with his jaw clenched. You know that look, the way he's desperately trying not to come too quickly.

Both of your breathes are getting faster as you bounce harder, the gripping sensation rises through you.

"I love you" you say between breaths, leaning down to say it into his ear. 

"Fuck - " he groans, pulling out of you quickly before he come, your rising orgasm fading away. 

" - fuck Sorry, babe. That was too fucking much" He rolls you over underneath him and quickly positions himself back at your entrance, easing in painfully slowly.

Now thrusting into you at an unforgivable pace, making you gasp everytime he slammed into you. Pushing your knees back towards your face and settling himself between them, holding your head with both hands and gazing into your eyes. He's ready, you're ready, you can feel it rising as he rolls his hips into you. The look of love in his eyes making you feel emotional, he's panting and you're moaning as he lets go and pumps into you making you lose it and scream out as you gush everywhere. Holding onto the sheets, tightly, as you wait for your toes to uncurl, still inside of you he lays on your stomach trying to catch his breath. Your muscles cramp up and shake making you wince as you try to move out from underneath him

"Are you ok?" His head snaps up, concerned.

"Yeah, just cramp" you whine, stretching out your legs when he rolls to your side.

"I really do love you" you say moving into his arms.

"I know you do. I love you too" he says kissing the top of your head. You're brought back to reality when you hear your phone vibrating again on the floor, in the pocket of your shirt. 

"You're popular tonight" he says noticing the sound of your phone as it vibrates the floorboards.

"It's just work, it can wait until tomorrow" you say, content being in his arms for a little longer and forgetting that anything or anyone else exists. Even if it is only for a moment.

[queenxxxsupreme]

Hey Kacey! I was reading though you dad witcher stuff for the 1000th time because oh my GOD it makes me happy, and I was curious: how do you think the wolves would react told holding their newborn for the first time? I'm not asking for a fic (unless you wanna😜) cause I know thats a HUGE undertaking, but just wondering your kinda headcanons on it. Would they be afraid to hold it, be kinda shocked numb like 'omg I made a tiny human can't compute', be super excited and never want to put it down, etc. And again, even headcanons is just if you want to. You write all of them so damn well and their emotional reactions to things are always 100% in character when you write them.

Thank you for putting out your amazing works, allot of them have honestly helped me plug along through 2020 and beginning 2021. I hope you have a wonderful day!

A/N: I’m so sorry this took forever to finish babe! I have no idea how the post baby being born thing goes? I don’t know how long it is until the dad holds the baby? But I did research and I did change some things up because I didn’t want to do each story the same. So sorry for anything that isn’t correct or accurate. I kept Geralt’s sort of short because I have done one similar to this before except with Lana (Smitten) so this time I did Bram!

Warnings: it’s implied that the reader went through birth before this but it isn’t mentioned, fluffy with a hint of witcher angst, does breastfeeding count as a warning? if so, there is breastfeeding in this but only briefly

***

Lambert

“What’s she going?”

“She’s eating, Lambert.”

“Why is she making that noise?”

“She’s breathing while she’s eating.”

“Is she supposed to be breathing like that?”

“Yes, love.”

“Bug, why do her eyes look so wide? She looks scared.”

“Probably because you’re staring at her and hovering so close.” You giggled softly. He was towering over you two and leaning over you and Eva as she nursed. You didn’t mind, but everything was new to Eva, who was born just a little bit ago. 

Lambert moved away from Eva, choosing instead to sit near your knees so he wasn’t too close to make Eva uncomfortable or scare her, but so that he was close enough to watch her. 

“How long until she’s done?”

“Oh, love.” You tore your eyes away from Eva to look up at your husband. “You’re so impatient.”

“It’s been hours.” He frowned. “I read somewhere that if I don’t hold her soon, she won’t know I’m her dad.”

“I can assure you that isn’t true.” You shook your head with a little chuckle. “And it hasn’t been hours. It’s been maybe a half of an hour. Once she’s finished eating, she’ll stop nursing and then I promise you that I will let you hold her.”

He nodded his head, yellow eyes flickering down to Eva. 

“Is she gonna start teething and still be nursing like that?”

“It just depends on when her teeth start coming in.” 

Lambert winced and brought his hand up to his chest as if the thought brought him pain. 

He settled with quietly watching her, fascinated by every little noise that came from her and every little move she made. 

When Eva was finished nursing, Lambert rubbed his hands along the tops of his thighs and shifted in his spot. 

“Can I….?” He trailed off, eyes flickered up to you.

“Yes, my love.” You nodded, moving Eva around so you could safely hand her off to her father. “Come up here and sit next to me. My legs are hurting and I can’t move too well right now.”

Lambert moved to sit by you at the head of the bed. He became as still as a statue as you moved Eva into his arms. His brows drew together softly and his lips parted. 

“She’s…. Fuck, Y/N. She’s so tiny.” His voice cracked. 

“I know.” You put your hand on his shoulder, smiling at the sight of him holding her. You kissed his shoulder. “She’s so beautiful, isn’t she?”

“Looks just like you, bug.”

“I think she’s got your nose.”

“Gods, don’t say that.” He shook his head, sniffling. 

You reached over to wipe his cheeks. “She’s too perfect to look like me.”

“Well she’s ours. So she’s gotta have a little of both of us.”

Lambert nodded. His eyes were still focused on her. 

“Just wait until Vesemir gets a load of her…. I hope she gives him hell in her toddler years. 

Eskel

Your eyes followed Triss as she checked over the baby, ensuring that the tiny newborn was healthy and well. The baby was crying and that worried you, but Triss assured you that it was okay. 

“You did amazing.” Eskel murmured, leaning over to kiss your temple. He was sitting on the edge of the bed next to you. Your fingers were still intertwined on the bed by your side. Your skin was clammy and damp with sweat and you were exhausted, but you wanted to hold her, to hold your baby. 

“Did you get a good look at her?” You asked. Your voice was raspy. You turned your head to look up at him. 

“She looks beautiful.” He nodded, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

“She has got a nice set of lungs on her.” Triss moved towards the bed with the baby in your hands. “Have you guys decided on a name yet?”

“Mhm.” Eskel watched you take the baby from Triss. “Nadia.”

“What a stunning name. Very fitting for the little girl.” 

You fixed the way you held Nadia, situating your hold on her so that she rested against your bare skin. Her cries died down and she curiously looked up at you. 

“I’ll leave you two be for a bit.” Triss took a few steps towards the door. “If you need anything, I’ll be out in the other room.”

Eskel thanked her since you were too caught up in gazing at the beautiful little baby on your chest. 

“Eskel.” You reached out with the hand that wasn’t providing her support. Blindly, you found his arm. “She’s…. She’s….”

“She’s beautiful.” He leaned down to kiss your messy hair. “And looks to be a bit hungry.” He chuckled softly as Nadia made a motion with her mouth like she was trying to suck on your skin. 

“After she eats, you can hold her.” You told him, moving her so that she could latch onto a nipple. 

“Oh I….” Eskel trailed off, shaking his head. 

You shifted at the foreign feeling of her latching on, but she seemed to get the hang of it. 

“You what?” You looked up at him. 

He shifted around to sit with his back more towards you. He looked down at his hands, rubbing them together. 

“I think I should wait a little while. Maybe until she’s older at least.” His words were quiet and hushed, but you could hear them just fine now that Nadia was no longer crying. 

“What? Eskel, what makes you think that?” You furrowed your brows.

“I just…. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have me hold her when she’s that tiny.”

You watched him for a few moments, unsure that you were even hearing him right. How could he say that? He had been so excited and so eager to hold her throughout your pregnancy and even through labor.

“Eskel, look at me.” You murmured. You wanted to reach out and hold his hand, to touch him and comfort him, but you were busy holding Nadia. 

He didn’t turn towards you at first, but then he let out a small breath and turned around so that he could look at you. 

“Eskel, you’re her father. There is no reason in the world you should put off holding her.”

His eyes flickered down to watch her, to watch his newborn. She seemed to already be drifting off to sleep. 

“What if I hurt her?” He asked, his voice low and timid. “On-On accident, of course. My hands- I-I’m just…. They’re big and the things I’ve done-,”

“You are more than just a witcher, Eskel.” You reminded him, though your words did little to comfort him. The furrow in his brow was still prominent. 

You made sure you had one arm securely holding Nadia in place, and slowly pulled your other arm away, making sure she was still comfortable and safe. 

You reached over to take Eskel’s hand, placing it on her back. You placed your hand over top of his, gently brushing your thumb over his knuckles.

“You would never hurt her, Eskel. You’ve been so excited since we found out I was pregnant. Please, don’t let those bad thoughts in your head ruin these precious moments you’ll never be able to get back.” You whispered, eyes staying on his face. 

He was focused intently on Nadia, golden eyes stuck to her face. 

A few silent minutes passed. He kept his hand on her back where you were holding it. He could feel her breathing, hear her little heart beating in her fragile ribcage. It was so different to hear her outside of your stomach, but it was just as comforting. 

“Okay.” He nodded. 

You smiled, taking your hand away from his so you could reach over and cup his cheek. 

Once Nadia was finished nursing, Eskel got comfortable on the bed and you carefully placed Nadia in his arms. 

“She’s so light.” He chuckled softly, making sure to keep his voice quiet so as to not scare her. “I can’t believe we…. That she’s…. She’s ours, doll.”

“She is.” You nodded, reaching over to brush your fingers through his dark hair. 

Geralt

“Fuck me, Geralt! Look at that little fella!” Jaskier exclaimed, shaking Geralt’s broad shoulder. 

“Jaskier!” Geralt hissed his name, not wanting to raise his voice. 

“It’s a damn shame he inherited that furrow you’ve got between your brows. Hope he doesn’t have your same bad attitude–,”

“Jaskier, please keep your voice down.” Geralt cut him off, almost speaking through clenched teeth to the bard. 

“He’s alright, Geralt.” You smiled. Briefly, you looked up to your husband but then your eyes fell back to the newborn you held in your arms. “He’s a quiet baby, isn’t he?” 

“Got that from Geralt too.” Jaskier commented, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He was eager to get closer and see his little nephew. “I see he’s got Y/N’s nose though. Thank the gods.”

Geralt glared at Jaskier. 

“I know you’d like to hold him, Jaskier. You’re nearly jumping out of your skin, but–,” You were cut off my Jaskier’s excitement. 

“I would love to! That is true. However I do think Geralt should hold the little bugger first.” Jaskier put his hand on Geralt’s shoulder. 

“I agree.” You smiled at Jaskier. Your eyes flickered over to Geralt. “Come have a seat, love.” 

The witcher move to your bedside, sitting on the edge of the bed next to you. 

“He’s so small.” Geralt commented. “Is he healthy?”

“He is.” You nodded. “He’ll grow.”

You directed your husband on how to hold his arms and then you placed Bram in his arms. 

Geralt looked down at Bram, a little smile tugging at his lips. Bram was fast asleep with his mouth slightly open. 

“What’s his name?” Jaskier asked, sitting down next to Geralt. 

Geralt over to you, silently asking if you wanted to tell him. 

“Go ahead.” You encouraged, reaching out to place your hand on his arm. 

“Julian Bram, but we’re just calling him Bram.” 

Jaskier repeated the name under his breath, testing out the flow of it and how well it sounded together. 

“Julian? As in…. As in my name?”

You nodded while Geralt kept his eyes on Bram. 

“That’s so sweet of you, Geralt.” Jaskier put one arm around Geralt’s shoulders, pulling him in for a tight hug. 

Geralt groaned.

Taglists: @pressedinthepages @mishafaye @whitewolfandthefox @wolfyland07 @belalugosisdead @persephonehemingway @keira-hulmaster @dinonuggs69 @greatestauthorofmygeneration @shadow-hunters-lover @dancingwith-thesunflowers @tedi-fach-las @thecomfortofoldstorries @raspberrydreamclouds @natkowaa @disasteren @weathervanes-my-oneandlonely @onlyhenrys @wackylurker @criminaly-supernatural @magpie343 @permanently-exhausted-witcher @hina-chans-stuff @the-space-between-heartbeats @havenoffandoms @carriebee1 @ger-bearofrivia @naominami @writingawaymylife @reaganjenelle @theawkwardpedestrian @scarlettwitcher @badassspaceprincess @just-a-sad-donut @summersong69 @an--actual--human--disaster @rubyqueen819 @omgkatinka @c-a-v-a-l-r-y @vonxcon @mazakeen @bravelittlesunflower @thereagles @awkward-turtles-world @menalliha @cotton_mo @maan24 @monkeymo @krenee1drful @nympha-door-a @unadulteratedtreecrusade @Aquarius-pisces-rose @mentallyscreamingsincebirth @fl0ating @sometimesiwrite @you-fxcking-wish-bish @thanks-bruh-for-nothing @maan2442 @thegaydeath @creatingstuffinpeace @andyrazzledazzle @ameliasmistake @winterwolf @caraqas @bluscryn @thefirelordm @y-napotat @henrycavillbesty @crazybutconfidentaf @runawayolives @she-wolfoftheinquisition @onlygeraltofrivia @henrythickcavill @lharrietg @wellthisstinks

If your name is in italics, it wouldn’t let me tag you :(

[syubub]

2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

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Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

[heresathreebee]

No Touching

[Ava Starr x Female!Reader]

Summary: Friend dates with Ava always brighten your day (and night). Tonight is more enlightening than brightening, though… 

Previous Masterlist Next

Word count: 1.7 words

Warning(s): 14+ | angst, gay panic, dolls, 1 (one) racist antique, Steven Segal movie, chronic pain, tears.

AN: No actually I didn't bother to edit this, not doing that anymore, I think too much as it is. As always, I write with a black reader in mind but feel free to read even if you aren't. 🖤

You are eighty percent sure that you and Ava are dating.

85%... 78%... 81.5% sure.

It would probably be best if you cleared that up (but be cool about it though). You've started seeing each other more and more, and on purpose no less. Never a dull conversation, she's reluctant to share some of her life story but she's eager to know everything about you and you're more than happy to indulge. It's not like you know nothing about her; you just don't know the specifics of her past. 

Her parents died when she was young, she's ex-military (you think?), and she just came off of a huge life change and is getting used to what she calls 'real life.' You figure out she's a bit of a shut in and hates crowds, so you go out of your way to show her quiet places and introduce her to things she's never tried before. The bowl by your front door where you put your keys has 20 or 30 marbles from ramune bottles in it. You can't seem to ring her secret out of her, she just gives you this cryptic knowing smile and laughs at your attempts to sweet talk or annoy it out of her. 

You feel so close, growing closer still, she's quickly become the best part of your week, and you catch yourself thinking about her even when she's not with you. But you've never held hands. Hell, you've never even so much as brushed shoulders with her by accident. If you're dating, shouldn't you at least hug her goodbye? Is she even able to be into you like that?? 

You try not to let the panic set in as you stand outside of the antiques mall. You told her you liked old things and promised to show her your favorite pastime. God, how do you go about this? Should you just flirt with her and see how she reacts? Also how does one flirt? What if you’re fucking up and she really just wants to be friends? God knows you could use some friends right now. 

When she does appear, you do nothing. You continue to act relaxed and enjoy her presence, promising yourself you’ll ask about it afterwards. Ava’s wearing that grey jacket again made of a thin sports fabric and you make a mental note it might rain today. 

“Ava,” you stage whisper, waving her out of the jewelry section by the front desk and into the maze of vintage old clothes and furniture. “Back here, to the left.” 

Deep deep deep in a corner of the massive store, Ava stops dead in her tracks (you run into her but back away quickly) and stares. 

“This... is…” Ava covers her mouth with her hands to hold her laughter in, “ghastly.” 

The shelf is wide, with dark wood trimming and protective glass. The lights are almost fluorescent as they illuminate dozens of humanoid dolls. Some are cute, but some are also creepy, unnerving, down right scary. 

You point at the one with the Jonbenet Ramsey likeness and deep cracks in her porcelain face. It was overly large compared to the rest, having to have stuffed legs crossed like a sitting child. "I think I fear that one the most." 

You felt Ava shiver and didn't even realize you were standing that close. Her eyes darted from face to face, taking in every terrible and wonderful detail of them. You smelled coconut in her hair and tried to distance yourself a bit, missing the conversation. "Huh?" 

"I said they're haunted, aren't they?" 

"That one definitely is." You look over the other dolls. "I don't know, I think the rest are kinda cute. 'Cept that one: that one can fuck off straight to hell." 

Down on the second shelf where the light began to struggle in reach belied an offensive porcelain joke. The decoration portrayed an over animated child at play, with oil black skin, fat red lips, and bulbous eyes. This child was dressed in white rags and sucking on a wedge of fruit. Guess which one. Fucking guess, I dare you. 

"It's not even a fucking doll," Ava grumbled. "Why is it here?" 

You leaned in to whisper, "someday, I'm gonna buy that thing just to fucking smash it on the pavement." 

"Oh, what a lovely sound it would make." 

You hum. "I'm not gonna give nobody money for that trash. Can't steal it either, we'd never make it to the door." 

Ava looked over her shoulder with a cheeky smile. "We?" 

You simply tilt your head at her, and she huffs out a laugh. She nodded as if agreeing with you, then drifted away from the case like a wary woman. You toured through the rest of the store like a treasure trove of other people's memories, war memorabilia, ancient brand merchandise (why would anyone want a life size green m&m in their house? Who is this for?), and paintings from the dadeism era by unpopular artists. You ate lunch at the vendor shops in downtown and retired to your place for a movie. 

You must have fallen asleep at the beginning but you came to during some big shootout between Steven Segal and generic Latino drug dealer #7 when you accidentally dropped your hand into Ava's lap. Quickly, Ava withdrawals, thrusting herself to the other side of the couch as if in disgust. Your head jerks up in hurt and confusion, you hadn't even felt anything except a light tingling. You could barely hear the tv audio over the sound of blood rushing in your ears. 

"You can't touch me," Ava spat. "You just can't. Ever. Please…" 

"I'm sorry. Ava, I– I am so, so sorry I didn't mean to–" 

"It's not your fault and you didn't know," she mumbled and faltered, "it's just… you can't." 

You feel tears prick in the corner of your eyes as you try to swallow. "I'm sorry. Really. It won't happen again." 

Ava looked up at you guiltily and sighed. She folded her legs and eased herself off of the couch arm rest, hands tucked into her lap and unable to meet your eyes anymore. 

"It's not what you think it is," she explained. "I… I have a condition of sorts. And it… it hurts.” 

Her words put a hold on the tears threatening to spill from your eyes. “Like a… skin condition? Or nerves or something?” 

Ava nodded quickly. “Yes. yes, like a nerves thing. My um, my nervous system. It's chronic."

“Oh Ava,” you cover your heart with a breathy sigh, “of course! I wish I’d known I would have never–” 

“It’s not something I like to talk about.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m really glad you understand. Sorry I freaked out, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything.” 

You tried to blow a raspberry. “It’s whatever, didn’t hurt my feelings.” 

Yeah, you could hear the weakness of the lie, too. Still, Ava went and parked herself on the couch exactly where she was before– close but not too close. Warm but not quite touching. You were ready to let it slide and go right back to pretending to watch the movie when– 

“So what’s going on between us exactly? I like girls– I like you– and I don’t mean just in a friend sort of way– is it maybe sorta possible you might feel the same way about me?” 

Who said that? You? Honestly you’re feeling a little dizzy as you try and stare a hole in the tv screen. And Ava? Well at least she didn’t hold you in suspense for too long. She chuckled– and god you had to look. You had to know if she was laughing at you or with you. Your eyes snapped to her completely unmocking face. 

She blinked at you, bit her lip even. “Yes, I am.. Capable of liking girls. Might prefer them actually. And I definitely like you in a more-than-a-friend sort of way.” 

It takes a second to sink in. OK, it takes a hot minute to sink in. Like the movie ended and you walked Ava home and you slept in until 10 am and made omelettes for breakfast at noon and laid down on your floor staring at the ceiling until sundown. Yeah that kind of hot minute. And your lips curled into a soft smile because you had a girlfriend and she liked girls and you could not be happier than you are right now. 

~

Ava asked you to meet her on the corner by the antiques mall that night. You don’t know how but she got her grubby, thieving little mitts on that disgusting tar baby doll from the haunted doll shelf. You made her swear up and down she didn’t pay real money for it, then nearly pulled out your hair when you realized it meant she definitely stole it and– 

"How the ffffUCK do you just DO that?!" 

"Slight of hand," she mused. 

Fuck, and she was a geek. Yeah, you're definitely in love. She pushes the ugly thing into your hands and despite being cold porcelain it feels like it's burning. 

"Do the honors." 

There's no build up. No ceremony. You don't want to drag this out anymore. You take a swinging leap and spike that shit and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces with the most glorious sound you'll ever hear. You land in slow motion, already replaying the image of thick glass pieces cracking on the indigo pavement. You stand over your mess, triumphant. 

The quiet of the night time street drifts back to you, as does Ava. "I'll be honest I expected a big speech." 

You shrug. "I've been waiting too long to do that. Thank you, Ava. I mean it." 

"Oh believe me it was my pleasure." Ava swaggers closer to you and if you didnt know better you'd think she was going in for a kiss. "Tonight, the tar baby. Tomorrow, the world." 

You resist the urge to clap her on her shoulders and throw your hands in the air instead. "Sounds like a date!" 

Next

[sinnabonka]

Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done? 

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on. 

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course). 

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth: 

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear. 

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection. 

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up. 

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably. 

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3 

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family. 

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing. 

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins. 

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hey, I'm doing good too. Just normal amounts of stressful stuff right now. Just moved to a country I've never been to before but can't complain, things are not as hard as the last time I did this so. Thanks for asking! Yeah, I saw you posting about some pretty scary health issues before, I'm glad you came out of that alive and hope you're healthier now!

The nerve some people have! Haha I know I would be pissed if people were questioning my intelligence like that especially after a couple of drinks in haha. Though I do like taunting people when I play group games, I'll be like "don't need to try that hard guys, you're gonna lose anyway" just to mess with them or just call people sore losers if they accuse me of cheating haha (they're probably right on the accusations tho). People get real mad sometimes it's kinda funny. 😂

Omg literally laughed out loud reading this! Hahaha, how did you manage to fall over a road sign then end up in a ditch? lol omg hope you didn't get hurt too bad 😂 I was trying to downplay my drunken escapades but since you shared yours I should tell you my worst one:

I was at this summer street party at night and got drunk on something made out of tropical herbs and cachaça (which is about 48% alcohol), drank 3 and a half bottles of that like it was apple juice, made friends with a bunch of strangers in a bathroom queue (who tried to talk to me weeks later but I had no idea who they were), had to be held by my best friend while I peed (mostly missing the toilet), fell in the middle of the street and scraped my knee, threatened this boy who was helping me walk and told him not to try anything funny or I would beat him up, then dragged my friends to the beach and left them shortly after to go make out with my ex, came back with lipstick all over my mouth and chin and when my friends asked what I was doing I said I was just talking to my ex and they were like NO YOU WERE NOT, hahaha then I kissed all my girl friends on a dare and we danced under the full moon, then I told my best friend I had to puke so she took me to the ocean but I changed my mind and happened to step on a dead turtle on the way back and started crying bc of it, but last month my best friend told me it was a rock I had stepped on (I believed it was a dead turtle for 7 years!). Had the worst hangover of my life the next day. ✌️✨

Ah I'm happy you liked it! I've never listened to Six musical before but it sounds fun! I can see why you like it haha made me want to dance around my apartment 💃. And hey if liking musicals is your thing then it's great, I'm sure Hozier will understand if he's not your top artist of the year. 😋 Here's my "damie" Pinterest board if you or anyone else wants to check it out, totally recommend making one if you're a visual person like me!

https://pin.it/UcHVlkq

Oh I could talk about Dani and Jamie forever I think. I love the beast in the jungle speech too and it's so painful to watch, VP delivered that beautifully, but I have to admit I'm always a crying mess from episode 1 when older Jamie starts reciting that song about being sad while waiting for her lover to return, this show is fucking cruel I hate it and love it at the same time hahaha. Omg your mom 😂 but I mean it's truly an honor to be compared to someone like Dani, no? She's really great even if she needs a little help haha (don't we all).

Aaah you're amazing! Thank you so much, I'll read this pirate AU soon!

I used to draw a lot, really loved doing it when I was a kid as I said before, and all throughout adulthood too but I haven't done that in almost a year now bc I've got a bit of a case of burnout I guess, it just takes a lot of effort to do it when it shouldn't be like that at all. I used to do fanart too, for other fandoms. Even made one for Dani x Jamie but ended up not liking how it turned out haha. I've got a lot of respect for writers and fanfic writers also! Yall can make words make sense in really interesting and beautiful ways, build worlds so enthralling I can see them vividly in my head. Writing is such an incredibly fascinating skill to have! And I guess the most important thing is that we enjoy doing these things right? Even if we think we're not particularly good at it.

Anyway, have a lovely weekend! 👋✨

Good I'm glad you're doing great but sorry you're dealing with stressful stuff!! Hope living in a new country goes well for you I'm so jealous that you've lived in different countries I'd love to live somewhere else even if just for s few years!! Awwh thank you so much I definitely came out of it alive and am feeling so much better now thank you I mean I do some pretty ditzy things so when people say it to me it's pretty deserved sometimes, I'm secretly smart and people just don't expect it so I never mind too much haha I might have to start saying the things that you do and just taunting them over it I mean, I usually do win even when they make me answer different questions so I will definitely have to start saying things like that to them Haha I love that you're just like "yeah they're probably right in their accusations" I agree seeing how mad some people get over games and stuff is funny (it's me I'm people I hate loosing games depending on what it is and I am very competitive) So it was very dark and all we had for light was my roommates flashlight on her phone but while we were walking home a friend of ours that lived else where kept texting her to make sure we were still safe (my phone as dead at this point) so while she was texting him her flashlight was facing down and someone had moved this road sign to the footpath and it was on that sits on the floor so while I couldn't see it I walked into it and fell over it but while I feel I grabbed hold of it and flipped with it and fell in a ditch with it on top of me... I was fine and was just laid laughing while my friend looked down at me and in the most northern accent ever just said "get up you dickhead." and helped me off of the floor and then asked if I was okay... and I was so it was all good!! Haha 😂 I love this drunken story that sounds like one hell of a night and is a roller coaster from start to finish!! I'm sorry you thought you had stood on a dead turtle for 7 years though, someone really should've told you that it was just a rock!! But that sounds like my kind of night!! I love nights like that... stories that will last a life time... the only down side is the hangover... luckily I have only ever had one hang over in my life and it wasn't the morning after the road sign fiasco... I felt surprisingly good the morning after that haha 😂 It's such a good musical it's about Henry VIII wives and I just love everything to do with his wives and that musical is so much fun and actually gives a little insight to the lives the six Tudor queens had away from Henry and with him because at school we're mainly just taught about him which sucks!! I loved the Hozier song and am definitely gonna have to listen to more of his stuff!! I love musicals so much I mainly listen to musical soundtracks at the minute- usually, Legally Blonde and Six on repeat haha 😂 Ooo thank you I will definitely check out this Pinterest board thanks for sending it to me!! I could talk about them forever too... since watching Bly Manor my niece has been asking me so many questions about it and I am more than happy to talk to her about it haha!! The beast in the jungle speech just breaks my heart every time I relate to it so much and VP just delivers it so beautifully!! Oh yeah now I know at the beginning that it's older Jamie I am just a wreck the whole show is just so beautiful and heart breaking at the same time I LOVE IT!! Even though it makes me sob- I keep putting myself through it!! I mean, yeah I was happy that she said it Dani is great but it was the way she said it... my mum can be something else sometimes... she said she thought Dani was like me the first time she does the accent when she says "I've fallen quite in love with London" because I just randomly do accents a lot too but it was the way she was like "She needs help... but I like her she reminds me of you" I was just like... "Should I go get help?" I still don't know the answer to my question about if I need help or not but I mean I probably do need it You're welcome I really hope you like it!! It's a

great fic I love it!! Yeah I get that if stuff starts taking too much effort and burns you out you're not gonna wanna keep doing it so it's understandable that you stopped!! I think fan art is great and I really would love to be able to do it myself but I just don't have the skill it takes!! Awwh it's a shame you didn't like the Dani x Jamie one you did I would've loved to have seen it!! Honestly there are so many talented writers out there and when I read their fics I am just in awe of the worlds they have built and the stories they have created we are so blessed in this fandom to have so many amazing writers and so many amazing fics out there Oh yeah definitely its important to enjoy what you do!! I know I love writing and love writing fics for Dani and Jamie so I think I'll be doing it for a while even if I'm not great at it haha Awwh thank you very much I hope you have a great weekend too!! ☺️

[justanotherlifeff]

My type of love

Warnings: Reader has yandereish tendencies, mentions of stalking, depressed reader with suicidal tendencies

Before you found your way into the villain league, you wanted to die. Honestly, what good came out of living anyway? You were always a quiet person ever since you were a child, always on the sidelines. Back in middle school, you were that girl who always sat at the corner at the class without being noticed by anyone. You were that one weirdo that no one wanted to talk to. Your parents weren’t bad. Infact, they were quite good. Atleast you thought your family was perfect at that time. Your mother and father seemed to love you. Sure, you were an only child and you were lonely both at home and school but it was all okay. You were happy. That was until your quirk showed up. Your quirk allowed you to give bad luck to anyone you touched with five fingers of your hand. Infact, their luck would be so bad that they would die somehow in the next one hour. You were already the weirdo at school and now, no one wanted to be around you. Saying that you were careful would be an understatement. You didn’t want to hurt others and you separated yourself from society, from your parents. A part of you thought that atleast your parents would try to get back to being involved in your life but that never happened. After all, your quirk killed a few of your classmates when it appeared. However, your desire to keep everyone out of your life came to an end when you fell in love with a guy. You were in Junior high and he was a transfer student. He didn’t judge you and the two of you started dating. That was until you found yourself checking his chat history when he left his phone with you to go to the washroom on a certain date. You knew you were violating his privacy but you just couldn’t help it. Your parents were completely disconnected with your life because of your quirk and you had doubts about why your boyfriend would be any different. Turns out that you were right. He was cheating on you. That one time lead to your downward spiral towards extreme trust issues and insecurities. You had seven breakups in a span of three years. At the end, when you finally turned 18 and your recent ex left you because you couldn’t bring yourself to trust him, you had enough. You believed that your quirk made you unlucky, you believed you weren’t good enough for anyone. Your ex told you that the way you love people was toxic and that was one thing that you didn't believe. Why was it wrong to know exactly where your loved one is at all time? Why was it wrong to know who he's talking to and what he's talking about? Why was it wrong to keep a control on who gets to be his friends and who doesn’t? You never had friends and gave him all your time so why couldn’t he do the same for you? You did all that because you cared so why didn't he understand you?

When he left you, you ran away from home. You were done. You knew that this life wouldn’t give you anything. You just wanted to die in the streets. That's when you came across a 16 year old girl named Himiko Toga on the streets. She was a vigilante and was on the run and let's just say, you touched the police that were chasing her and they died in a car crash immediately. Toga was 2 years younger than you are (you're 18) but she seemed to find the way you love normal. She had an abnormal way of loving people as well. "I don't think it's wrong of you to know everything about your lover, (Y/N)! You're just so cute! I didn’t think I'll ever find someone like me! We can be besties! You know, I like killing people I love!" Toga exclaimed to you. That's when you made your first friend. You were sure that you would stay away from love in fear of rejection or being left until you were taken into the league of villains with your best friend. The burning crimson eyes of the boss caught your attention on the first day. You couldn't help but admire his low drawling voice that was tired of the world because you could relate.

You were always used to being on the sidelines, away from attention but Shigaraki wouldn’t have it. He had an interest in your quirk as it meant like him, you couldn't touch anything with all five fingers. He understood how hard your life must've been and he decided to be kinder to you than the others since you were relatable. He didn’t know what that was doing to your feelings. You were on a high, you couldn't explain how happy it made you. You didn't have the courage to confess to Shigaraki but you knew you'd die for him. You were absolutely smitten and like usual, that wasn’t going to end up well. If Shigaraki thought he had privacy, he was wrong. You made sure that you knew everything about him. You checked his phone when he was busy with games, you had figured out all his passwords of any social media account he had, you followed him everywhere he went to (mostly without him knowing), you even had pictures of him sleeping when you sneaked into his room to get some. Honestly, it was all going well till he decided to recruit another female villain. One who decided that it would be a good idea to hit on Shigaraki.

While Shigaraki did give you more preference over the other members of the villain league, you were always this quiet girl who minded her own business. Honestly, he was intrigued at the begining because you barely shared anything about yourself, almost like you had a double life. He made sure that you weren’t a spy from the heroes by doing some digging but your extreme quietness was something he found odd, specially for someone who was friends with Toga. However, that personality seemed to change drastically when he recruited the villain Killer Queen (Yes, it's a Jojo reference). Shigaraki knew that Killer Queen clearly had a thing for him and while he clearly wasn’t interested in her, he sure was interested in the sudden change of attitude that came over you. Suddenly, you were like a feral cat, ready to pounce on her. You tried to convince Shigaraki to kick her out way too many times and you always threw passive agressive insults and death threats at her. Shigaraki never saw you throw a death threat before and he had to admit it was kinda hot.

The ship had sailed when Killer Queen thought it was a brilliant idea to kiss Shigaraki on the cheek out of nowhere. Infact, even Shigaraki was surprised and disgusted by that. Without a warning, you held her hand, looking at her with a sadistic grin. She was confused at first before realising that all your fingers were touching her. The realisation gave her a heart attack. As the woman laid dead before you and Shigaraki as the two of you were in the bar, Shigaraki looked at you, raising an eyebrow which made you realise that your feelings for him or atleast, your jealousy was obvious. "I couldn't take that... I love you and I hate it when anyone thinks they can take away who I love. I've.... I've let a lot of people walk away from me and I felt guilty about not being good enough but it doesn't matter anymore. I'm not going to let anyone else have you even if you don't want me. I know it's wrong but I can't help it." you muttered, looking away from Shigaraki as tears escaped your eyes. "Who said anything about it being wrong? I just saw a badass girl who has the right to be the player 2 of my life cause she just killed a bitch over me. You're fucking cool and honestly, the way you tried to keep her away was hot." Shigaraki answered with a grin making you look at him, completely shocked.

"You... You don't hate me for killing a member of the league? You don't think the way I love people is wrong?" you stammered, looking at him, awestruck. "Tch... Why the fuck do you think I'm a villain? These normal people, they put labels on things that shouldn’t have labels. You fucking get to love someone in any way you want and no one gets to judge that. They need to suck it up instead of using it as an excuse to run from relationships. Plus, I'm kinda similar. Honestly, I love all the pictures you took of me sleeping. I dunno how you can make even me look good..." Shigaraki answered, making you almost choke on your spit. "You know about the pictures?" you asked with wide eyes. "Yeah. I also know that you check my social media and my phone and that you follow me around everywhere. Seriously, why the fuck do you think I'm the boss of this stupid league?" Shigaraki scoffed as you looked away bashfully. Someone finally understood you... "Do... Do you check my stuff too?" you asked shyly. "Can't say I don't. It's fun to see you obsessing over me." Shigaraki gave you a smug grin. "So... Are we like... dating now?" you asked, twiddling your fingers. "I suppose we are..." Shigaraki answered before pulling you into a kiss, the dead body forgotten.

[daikenkki]

MrDonald09: Since Series 22, what new change has annoyed you the MOST??

tttedrawings: Fantasy sequences and the intro/life lessons outro, they just make the episodes shorter, and most of the time aren't really needed at all.

MrDonald09: Ah yes unfortunately you can only have 4 options on Twitter polls, I’m sure the list would be huge if you could have more.

MasonDey1: To me the whole concept of the Steam Team is just pointless.

MrDonald09: Yeah it limits the characters that are used most of the time.

PSideplates: I voted for bouncing since it's closest to the general "kids show" tone that BWBA takes on. It really is like watching a show you put on for your 3 year old so you can leave the room in peace. It hurts to watch. If we were getting the Brenner era where the engines bounced, had ugly details, went worldwide, and got Nia and Rebecca, I'd be miffed but accept it. But BWBA just claims to be TTTE and acts like a generic preschool show. And I don't wanna be in a position where I'm an adult watching a preschool show.

MrDonald09: Agreed. I feel proud to be a fan when I watch classic era and Brenner era, but if it was like BWBA throughout the whole show I can tell you I would not be supporting it now.

TCKRangeltoon: I blame Chuggington.

PSideplates: I don't. Chuggington ended before they came up with BWBA. If anything, Chuggington made the market for train toys/shows competitive which forced HiT to make good Thomas products, well toys anyway.

ronniethe14xx: Honestly, disagree with the point it's the most general kids show tone. Travelling seems to be the new hip and cool thing to do in kids shows, I'd argue that makes it slightly worse then the bouncing because it's clear Thomas only jumped on that trend to be "hip".

JovanniChavez11: Faster pace and Thomas losing his identity. I don’t mind Thomas going on a trip but that wasn’t the way to handle it.

MrDonald09: Yes. IMO it should have stopped after the BWBA special, I think it should have only been a special.

Bostonthomasfan: Don’t really mind the bouncing but it can be over done at times. For around the world? I wish there were more episodes on Sodor and less around the world. Like 18-8 would be good.

MikeArc31375512: The bouncing. Loathe it with a passion.

ThomasTVNostal1: The thing I hate is constant arguing over opinions.Some people have been told to fuck themselves for disliking an episode of BWBA that the majority of the fandom likes and vice versa. This is unacceptable. As a fandom, we're a team and we help each other out.

ChillerB3: The forced feminism with Nia, Rebecca and the newer Steam Team really rubbed me the wrong way, more than hyper bouncing and worldwide shit did.

MrDonald09: Same, especially how the majority of the audience really doesn’t care about that, having more females, great! but don’t mess with many people’s childhood to make SJWs and toxic feminists happy cuz I guarantee you the people who wanted this change probably don’t even like the show.

ryanburges4472: I didn't read properly and the real thing since Series 22 that has annoyed me the most is the bouncing. I've been more bothered about the steam team without Henry (Just Henry). I'm happy with Edward sleeping at Wellsworth.

MrDonald09: Yeah, I completely agree honestly i’m not mad that Edward isn’t in the Steam Team anymore. It's Henry that annoys me the most.

ryanburges4472: I know! Gordon and James sleeping at Tidmouth without Henry. Edward is best at Wellsworth because he has a branch line which stars from Wellsworth.

CoolCar161: Henry and Edward stopped appearing as much anyway. They haven’t been good characters since series 4, even in the Brenner era they had little to no appearances due to writer's block. Rivets is a nice little detail that makes them seem more real, Thomas always wanted to see the world and the bouncing is hardly that bad.

TheBlueE21: Thomas' world tour. It's so inconsistent. Doesn't tie into the movie that hyped it up, never explains why or for how long Thomas is in each country, 1 ep he's in China, then Brazil etc then Sodor eps act as though he never left due to always being there. Plus most sets aren't great.

halfbakedhex8: For the record, I voted the 'rivets' option because the inclusion of the new detailing runs so counter to what the show is now, that trying to inflict reality onto the now-very-unreal engines feels very confused as to what the show is trying to achieve.

BluebellThEngin: The "bouncing" doesn't bother me much at first, but as time went on, it starts to get a little out of control and it kinda bugs me. I don't have a problem with the added details like the rivets, but they do look a little too big. Shrink them in size and they'll be okay. I'm mixed on Thomas travelling around the world if I'm being honest. The new Steam Team is what bugs me the most out of all of these options. I never liked it to begin with (minus my child self). It makes the other characters look useless. What I love about the Classic Series is we got lots of stories about almost each and every single one of them it makes the series interesting. But with the Steam Team, not only does it focus on the main characters so much, but it also brings them out of character. Especially if it's for the sake of the plots.

fan_ttte: The New Steam Team with Nia and Rebecca is what I don’t like most. I don’t mind the bouncing or rivets, Thomas going worldwide is okay. I don't know, I just feel like it would’ve been better if Nia and Rebecca did join, but also keep the others, for some interesting interactions and episodes.

islandofodor: If Thomas hadn’t gone worldwide, we’d probably still be in the Brenner era. Granted, it’d still be a slight step down but the international episodes barely take advantage of the different setting and opt to use generic plotlines that we’ve already seen on Sodor.

thesaddletank18: Bouncing, rivets and worldwide idea are bad but the new Steam Team is just....why was this done to the show?

Jacob34335638: I liked the new details, I’m mixed on the New Steam Team, and Thomas travelling the world. But the bouncing is what pisses me off the most, it literally makes the show look like Chuggington. The bouncing was at it’s worst in Journey Beyond Sodor and Thomas’ Magical Birthday Wishes.

TWR_Douglas_10: ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!!!

DFox1203: Is everything an option?

TheWinnerGuyCJP: Voted worldwide cuz it makes Thomas completely out of character.

SoupyGunzilla: I think a lot of the stories suffer from the shorter time. A lot of them could be better if they had more time.

kofi_milky: The bouncing, more sing alongs, replacing Edward and Henry with Nia and Rebecca. Even Thomas going worldwide. When the Rev. W. Awdry said "Here is your friend Thomas the Tank Engine. He wanted to come out of his station yard and see the world", the world that's he meant is Sodor.

sodordaily: Choosing New Steam Team because I miss the old SO MUCH!

peter_sam_no4: I think for me the bouncing as it’s so unrealistic . A 1 ton lump of metal can not swing all over the place like it has no weight.

Growlithemaste1: I hate the bouncing the most, but the rest are all useless too.

sixteen_dnw: Worst is the New Steam Team, then worldwide, then rivets, and then bouncing. TBH it doesn’t bother me too much.

BearsFlush: It annoys me that Thomas travels the world, as they remove chapters that might be focus on Sodor, and the locations and some engines are not represented correctly on the railroad.

VacentTest: I’m fine with the New Steam Team changing Edward and Henry out for Nia and Rebecca, I’ve always supported it in the beginning because increased feminism is good. Thomas going worldwide, that didn’t annoy me cause I was interested in that, the rivets is minor and nothing to worry about. But the bouncing, annoyed me the most at first but I’m used to it.

SnatchyBoi: The bouncing and the New Steam Team.

GWREngine: The New Steam Team is the most annoying change. It feels like Mattel doesn't care how special Edward, Henry, and Toby are. Plus we don't need to have more than 1 female main character. Emily being the only girl used to make her special. With Nia and Rebecca around, she isn't special anymore.

TurnTable2002: Chris Renshaw's music really annoys me.

MichaelfromNZ1: Bouncing, worldwide and New Steam Team. They represent how far Thomas has fallen since Mattel fully took over.

ArmchairRailway: New Steam Team.

TI4MGP: This is probably the hardest time I’ve had deciding on one of your polls lol. I went with the Steam Team though, but bouncing comes in a REALLY REALLY close second. The other two are less but equal with each other.

jack_bench: TBH, I'm fine with all of them? But I chose bouncing because the rivets are neat, world-tour - while it makes no sense - has a valuable goal (and is kinda fun), and the Steam Team really needed more female representation which we got with two positive role models in Nia and Rebecca. Bouncing is unnecessary, but not horrendous.

Holycro1Michael: Everything!

JosefSnowBall: Rivets was something I actually liked seeing on some engines. Bouncing is something I’m OK with, it’s kind of grown on me. New Steam Team sucks because it gets rid of the 2 best engines, Edward and Henry, and Thomas worldwide sounded like a bad idea to begin with.

TheThomasFan: Probably Thomas going worldwide . The animation is shit and it’s all just recoloured.

TheUnluckyTug: The new Steam Team. I think I'd be a little more accepting of BWBA if Edward and Henry weren't so transparently and obviously thrown to the side and treated as if they don't exist. It was like the biggest "fuck you" to fans ever.

MrDonald09: Yeah, not to mention Nia and Rebecca have such generic personalities they can barely hold a unique episode nowadays. I can understand Edward staying at Wellsworth but they did Henry DIRTY by slapping him at Vicarstown so he can focus on his Mainland duties yet not do any episode focused on this new job.

SteamEn83954980: Ok so ignoring Emily, it was a perfect 1-7 number of characters and now it's just 1, 18, 22, 4, 5, 6 and 12. Like I know it's minor but that fact gets under my skin.

DBlue02: I voted for the bouncing, but yeah, I kinda have to agree with Simon Martin’s opinion on the Steam Team concept, it’s long since overstayed its welcome. I’d prefer a nice balance of the main and side characters getting their share of the spotlight, like in the classic seasons.

TFan512: What if Edward, Henry, Nia and Rebecca were all part of the main cast.

[nervousenemychild]

hi I'm trying this for the first time ever. posting what I've written online for other people to see.

“James,” she said, entering the kitchen where he was organizing the glassware in cabinets too high for her to reach. She was surprised to find he was adequately following her instructions as to how she preferred them organized. “Please don’t be angry with me when I say this.”

He immediately put down the tea cup in his hand and turned around to face her. “Sure.” He of course was wearing his signature goofy grin.

She shook her head and smiled. “You don’t even know what it is yet.”

“Well, you’re you, so…” He trailed. “What could you have possibly done? Lily Evans, known horrible person.” He rolled his eyes in reply, still smiling.

She decided not to respond to his sarcastic remark and instead just break the news. “I think I may have misplaced the golden snitch from your Seventh Year Cup in the move,” she said, her eyebrows furrowing. 

His face fell and she cringed. “I’m really sorry.”

He shook his head and walked past her out of the kitchen.

“James—“

“No, Lily. That was irreplaceable. What do you mean, you misplaced it? Where do you think it is?” he asked, irritation evident in his tone.

“I don’t know, James. That’s what I mean,” she replied. “I thought… When I packed up our bedroom, I could’ve sworn I put everything in our dressers in different boxes, knickknacks included. All of my journals are with my clothes, so—“

“Oh, so I guess all of your stuff is neatly squared away!” he exclaimed, swirling around then to face her. His face was beet red.

“I didn’t mean to—“

“But you obviously were careless about it. Shit, Lily, what is wrong with you?” he snapped.

She folded her arms. “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me that I packed up our entire bedroom last minute last night while you ran around and started schoolchild brawls with the same stupid people?”

“Better than misplacing something of extreme personal and historical value.” He sat down on the couch. “And better yet, I was protecting you.”

“Let’s you and I make a distinction between protecting me and being an idiot, once and for all,” she retaliated, “for the umpteenth time. If someone comes up to me and begins threatening me or shoving me or stabbing or kicking or—“

“You misplaced the one thing that used to make me fucking happy!” he screamed.

Tears came to her eyes as they stared at each other in silence. “The one thing that used to make you happy?” she asked him finally. “Quidditch. Quidditch is the one thing that used to make you happy?”

James pursed his lips and folded his arms.

“You’re a literal child!” she exclaimed. “Such a fucking baby, you are. Get over it, James. It’s a stupid ball!”

“A stupid ball. A stupid ball?” he asked. “Of course you didn’t pack it, Lily. You clearly don’t care about something that means a lot to me.”

“Well, you clearly don’t care about me because I don’t make you happy,” she choked back a sob before she fled the room.

-

At around ten o’clock at night, she retreated into the living room and threw the snitch at the couch. “There. Now you can think back on all the times you were happy with this hunk of metal.”

“Lily—“

“No. I don’t want to hear you. I’ve been looking for that stupid thing for hours and you haven’t said a word to me,” she said as she made her way back into their bedroom. 

He followed her to find the room completely unpacked.

“I was unpacking the kitchen. I’m finished,” he explained.

“Well, that’s two rooms done,” she said resignedly, sitting on the bed.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally.

“You’re not sorry,” she replied. “You were so eager to yell at me. Why did you flip the switch like that?” she asked.

“Honestly…” he began, “I’ve just been really angry all day and I had no right to lose it like that.” He joined her on foot of the bed, and they both looked down at their new bedroom carpet. “You do make me happy, you know,” he said, his voice small. “You know that.”

“I guess,” she answered.

“You guess?”

“I don’t know, James. You screamed at me today,” she recalled, beginning to really be harsh towards him. “Over something of extreme personal and historical value,” she mocked, her voice adopting a childish pitch. “Something. Not someone. I said I was sorry, and I’d never lose it on—“

“I know you wouldn’t. Look at me,” he commanded.

She sighed and glanced over at him. “What?”

“I can’t believe I have to say this. You are way more important to me than anything, anyone even. Especially a snitch. Okay?” he asked.

They stared at each other in silence again before Lily broke it.

“Are you happy?” she whispered.

He wrapped his arms around her and broke out in tears. He sobbed into her shoulder for a moment before pulling away to find her face stained in tears too.

“It’s not that I’m unhappy, Lily… It’s just… All day, I’ve been thinking about how we had to move to live somewhere that I’m only somewhat confident is an area where you won’t be murdered for being who you are,” he said then. “And I can’t help it. I start thinking about how mad I am, and sometimes the only way to calm myself down is to think about our times at Hogwarts. And I know you weren’t even completely safe back there which is why when Sirius and I saw those creeps at the bar last night… Lily, I can’t see their faces without thinking about the threats they’ve made about you, how they look at you, how—“

“Okay, James. We’re away from it now. I don’t like it either, but it doesn’t mean I—“

“Sirius talked me out of it until they started bugging me, saying they knew we were moving and they were tracking us, and they…. Lily, what they said they were going to do to you,” he bawled then. “I can’t just stand by and let that happen. I physically cannot. You’ve asked me to I don’t know how many times, and if I could, I would. I promise.”

She kissed him on the cheek. “Calm down. You know they only do it to get a rise—“

“Really, Lily? Really? When we both know I’ve worked on cases where those threats happened to real Muggleborn women,” he said. “I understand it’s easier and probably healthier for you to just not take them seriously, but I won’t ever let my guard down around those scumbags. I hate them. Do you know how many cases they’ve been suspects in, how many times they’ve been taken into custody and released?” he asked.

“I know, James. I know. You’ve told me all about it,” she said, resting her hands on his shoulders then. “Calm down. It’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not hurt.”

“And I’m never, ever going to let you get hurt,” he cried, embracing her again. His sobs shook his entire body.

“Okay. Okay,” she told him. “Calm down. We’re right here together. Nothing is going to happen to us. We’ve got the place all secured, and it’s way out in the middle of nowhere. You made it that way, remember? This was finally the place you agreed to,” she reminded him. “It’s all right. This is the safest space for us to be.”

He kissed her hair. “I’m so sorry, Lily. It shouldn’t be you comforting me. You’re the one in danger, the one I treated terribly today—“

“I can tell that you were on the verge of a panic attack now,” she said softly. “You have been all day, haven’t you?”

“I’m sorry,” he gasped out. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Lily—“

“No, James. It’s okay. Just cry. It’s fine. We can talk afterwards,” she assured him.

He shook his head. “I can’t believe I yelled at you like that today.”

“I know. I was confused, too. Just cry it out,” she encouraged him, and finally, he lowered his head back onto her shoulder and cried a little more before stopping. “Okay?” she asked.

He nodded.

“Okay,” she said. She pulled away from him and kissed his forehead.

“I’m sorry, Lily,” he said then. “Really sorry. I should have never gotten that upset with you over something like that. You found it anyways, and if I was that concerned about it, I could have packed it myself,” he told her. “You make me so happy, which is why I love you so much and I never should have lost my temper with you.”

She nodded. “I understand. It’s okay.”

He kissed her on the lips. “I guess I just… In the moment you told me, I immediately thought about how if it was left in the old house, I didn’t want us to go back and look for it because it’d be unsafe. You know, with me starting a new sector at work, and being so far away form the city out here… It is kind of like starting all over. I don’t want to leave the old us behind… The us that took laps around the castle, studied in bed together, when you’d come and cheer me on at my Quidditch matches… That’s one of my favorite memories of us together, when you’d support me and scream your little head off for me. The snitch reminds me of all of those times we had back in the castle. It… It kinda sucks we have to leave everything behind in order to keep you safe. It’s ridiculous, it’s scary,” he said.

“I know,” she told him. “It’s like, all our friends think we’ll still be around, but… I don’t know. London has proved to be pretty dangerous, and now that it’s so far away… We’re just going to have to see if they want to make the trip.”

He nodded. “We have each other, though. And you make me so happy, and you have for a very long time now. I love you so much.”

She smiled. “I love you, too. You make me happy.”

He grabbed her hand and brought it to his mouth to kiss it. “I’m sorry, really.”

“It’s okay, James. It honestly startled me more than anything,” she told him. “I love you, James. I know you’d never… You’d never really treat me like that.”

He kissed her cheek. “I never would want to. I’m supposed to be someone you can trust. Come sit with me.”

She rolled her eyes. “James, it’s—“

“Come here.” He held open his arms and straightened out his legs.

“I’ve gained weight since we left Hogwarts, you kn—“

“Come here to me.”

She sighed and crawled over to sit on his lap.

“There, there. It’s all right. I’m right here.” He wrapped his arms around her and began to gently rock her side to side. 

“I’m not a child,” she protested, but her voice was too soft for him to take her seriously.

“You quite enjoy this. Don’t lie,” he said back, smoothing her hair and kissing it. “There, there, Lily.”

She rested her cheek on his shoulder and shut her eyes. “I am tired.”

“Of course you are, spending all day unpacking and whatnot. Let me soothe you to sleep,” he said.

She looked up at him for a moment. 

“What?” he asked her.

“Nothing,” she replied. “Nothing. Go on.” 

He rocked her a little longer before he moved her up the bed to tuck her in beneath the covers. 

“Undress me first,” she commanded.

“Lily—“

“What? I’m going to fall asleep with my day clothes on?” 

“Your jumper and sweatpants?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Take my clothes off,” she restated.

He nodded and did just that, pulling her jumper over her head and then shimmying her pants off her. “Better?”

She nodded, grinning. “Much.” 

He kissed her and moved the comforter overtop her. “There. Let me climb in next to you.” He positioned himself to spoon her, but she almost immediately flipped over to face him. 

“You are going to be such an excellent father,” she told him.

“I am?” he asked.

She nodded. “Someday. Right?”

“Right.” He kissed her forehead. “Someday soon if you aren’t careful.”

She smiled at his honestly lame flirtation. It was strange yet pleasant how she became giddier and easier to impress the longer they stayed together. “Yeah.” She nestled her head under his chin before saying what she wanted to next. “How soon do you think we should think about it?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, Lily. We have the see what’ll happen with the war. How safe we are in this house should play a big factor, too.”

She yawned. “You’re right. I just… I guess I’m somewhat eager. We have been married for almost a year now,” she said.

“Secretly married,” he contradicted.

She rolled her eyes and emerged from under his chin, kissing him on the lips. “Same difference. James, the reason we got married is because we wanted to be together forever as soon as possible if this war was going to rage on and keep us from doing that. Isn’t it just the same with a baby?” she asked. “I want to be a mother. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I can remember.”

He shook his head. “Not at all. I’m not bringing a child… our child… into an unsafe situation,” he explained.

“Nothing’s going to happen,” she told him. “Really. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t want that either, you know that.” She grabbed his hand. “A baby would be great for us right now. Don’t you want something else to think about other than violence and hatred?”

“Sure. I’d love that. That’s not what a baby’s for,” he replied. “I really don’t need to speak any more on it, Lily. Give it awhile. I’m not getting you pregnant until I’m supremely satisfied that we are safe.” He brought the hand he was holding to his mouth to kiss it. “Okay?”

She nodded. “Okay. I understand.”

“Goodnight, Lily. I love you so much, and… and I really do hope that one day we can have a baby for you, for me, for the sake of having a family. I just want that baby to have a long, healthy life alongside us both.”

“Of course,” she replied. “Right. I love you, too, James, so much. Too much, I think, sometimes.”

He smiled. “Never too much for me. Goodnight, okay?”

“Goodnight.” 

He shut his eyes and she immediately snuggled closer to him, her chest pressed against where he held her hand at his heart.

[pastelraes-blog]

Bitch Why Are You Like This: meeting Miss & Daddy (Jan 22)

A picture of me looking at me during the entire evening.

Starring: Daddy, Miss and a bitch (that's me!)

i've been thinking about my meeting with Miss and Daddy. Before that very moment, i have never felt young. Truly young - innocent, energetic, inexperienced, requiring guidance, in-over-my-head. Ever. Welcome to childhood, bitch.

Miss is fucking amazing. Although intense, she embodies the person i want to be. There's a quiet strength about her, a self-assurance, and she's beautiful. When the hostess pointed her out, i was quite sure i'd die before ever reaching the table. But here i am. Still living. While sitting at the table i marveled at how blessed i felt. Do i know what the fuck i'm doing? No. Do i know what i'm getting myself into? Hell no. But i trust in the experience Miss has, her thorough questioning, and deliberate actions.

For a moment, i wondered about sex trafficking. Atlanta is the sex trafficking hub of the nation, and to get women, sex traffickers often recruit other women. Because girls/women feel safer with and trust women more than men. With reason. But i requested to see and talk to her and Daddy was kind enough to let that happen.

And then in comes Daddy. i doubted He was real but He sure as fuck is, and boy do i feel little. It's not something i've ever experienced in my life. And i like it a lot (question mark?). i was pretty sure i was going to fuck some shit up and fuck some shit up i did. He told me to ask Him a question. i didn't feel i deserved to ask a question and quite frankly i was suffering from slight sensory overload and i didn't have a question to ask. Every question i had left my mind the moment He asked. Somehow, i found one - something about my age. i don't remember what i asked or His answer. i do remember getting comfortable and asking another question. He leans forward and says, "What part of one question do you not understand?" and i respond, "the one part." 🤦🏽‍♂️ Internally, i was yelling at myself to shut the fuck up.

And then He looked at me.

He looked *into* me

and i fell

When i was 4 or 5 or 6 (who the fuck knows honestly) my mother took me and my sister (who was 2 or 3 or 4) to a pool. i could somewhat swim but knew i should never cross 4 feet deep. Keeping this in mind, i jumped in the pool. And then i started drowning; the '4 feet' pool marker was missing and i thought i was jumping into 3 feet water. As i drowned, there was no panic. i felt no discomfort. i remember being surrounded by light blue waves. Looking up to see the sun shining through the water. i was at peace. There was no sound, there was no disturbance. And then i closed my eyes.

And when i opened them i was staring into Daddy's.

*still*

There's a common descriptor phrase - looking like a deer in headlights - and i have had the terribly unfortunate opportunity to witness this in reality in the passenger seat of my grandfather's jeep speeding toward a deer at 50 miles per hour.

and i am the deer

and the deer is me

drowning in water

over four feet deep

with eyes staring into Daddy's

Eventually i look away. And to mask my terror - that i could feel the depth of those experiences, i do the worst possible thing i could do in the moment: i look back at him defiantly & *i get smug*. And when i return my attention to Miss, i am smiling. Daddy asks Miss if i have signed the waiver yet and he says to get that done *as soon as possible*

A bitch is in trouble .

Should i be terrified for my life? Should i try to suck His ****? Who knows 🤷🏾‍♂️ (lxlzkzkzjkzjzb why am i like this! 😳🤣). Fuck Twilight AND ESPECIALLY fuck its fanfic 50 Shades, but Bella. Sweetie. If this is how you felt when Eddy-boy stared at you, i understand and im sorry for ever doubting you.

The night goes on. Daddy pours his coffee in a very particular manner. i am very thankful for Miss. They work well together. A perfect balance. She asks about me staring down Daddy and asks if i wanted to or felt like i should look away. Hell yeah i wanted to look away. i felt like i should look away. i wanted desperately to look away. i couldn't. And then it felt like maybe i shouldn't look away? Like what was this Man thinking i wondered. And when i caught myself looking i realized i kinda didn't want to stop? A bitch is a brat. Why do i poke the Lion? i don't knoooww 😭. Miss says she can't imagine me being submissive and that hurts a lot.

And of course in typical fashion of one who emotes (?) dramatically, i begin to cry. Because being smug is a defense mechanism. Bucking authority is another. i have had to puff myself up and build up walls and be hard for so long to *survive* and i don't want to be like that anymore. It's not me. i didn't have a childhood. i've always felt impossibly old. At 10, i raised my siblings for four years while momma went to college. because making 6k a year aint shit with 4 kids. At 14 when she finished, she wanted her role and her power back, but the children didn't recognize her as momma. And she hated it. It was a constant power struggle. To me she was irrational, led by the heart and prone to overreaction. Her favorite punishment aside from capital punishment was to take away everything i cared about at any moment *because she could*. So i became smug. *Because fuck you.*

Fast forward 4 years when i finally get to college and shit aint much better. i'm in an environment i wasn't ready for academically. The learning curve was exponential with a slope asymptote to infinity (undefined). That joint is a straight line lol. People are mad racist, dudes are mad sexist, the black people super rich and i'm slipping into depression. When i took a break from school last semester, i learned the traits i picked up - the way i operate in groups/the constant fight - don't work in other environments. It's dangerous to myself and it hurts others. And i don't want to be like that anymore. this is what i've had to do to survive all my life and it's ugly and it's not me.

i'm done with surviving. i want to thrive. i want to *live*. i want to submit desperately, i just don't know how. i'm tired of being defiant and smug and provoking because it's not me. i care so deeply for people, and i struggle because my face, my words, and my attitude are incongruent. When shit is bad, and i mean real bad, i smile and laugh. Not because something is funny or amusing - i smile because it isn't. i guess i started smiling cuz that's much simpler than bursting into tears. And these behaviors are habits i desperately want to break. my life has been fight after fight and resistance and war. i've made it so i would not submit to the negative forces in my life, but now i don't know how to accept the good. and that's why it hurts me so much when i smile at Miss or stare down Daddy when i would truly love not to be.

i was sure after that fiasco i'd never hear from them again. i failed so epically at something i know myself to be. regardless of the tears (because i definitely cried more last night), i am so thankful for that one opportunity to be in the presence of Miss and Daddy. The experience allowed me to gaze intently at those very ugly behaviors that i didnt truly recognize until last night. i left feeling like i failed a lot. But that failure was good because it was necessary. i'm now one step closer to knowing the person i am and transforming into the person i want to be.

Miss told me to look up what submission means and give ten examples of when i have ever done that in my life. For a moment i was quite terrified because i don't think i have ever submitted to someone or something without resistance first.

Submission - the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person; an act of surrendering to a hold by one's opponent; humility; meekness

Okay the '10 examples' activity is super hard because i see now i've been the bitch reluctant to listen and follow. people must loved me to put up with this shit. Jesus take the wheel.

i still don't think i'm off the hook. i live on the hook. i am the worm 😂. i'm super disappointed in myself, but my love for myself has not changed. i'm really proud of myself for taking the chance and putting myself out there and meeting people who i fantasize about binding me, dragging keys down my back until i bleed, whipping my *****, leaving marks/bruises and other normal shit like calling me hideous degrading names and looking at me in ways that make my entire being quiver. If we're being 300,000% truthful, though i didn't intend to fuck up, the intensity of those moments, the acute embarrassment i felt, the topic of conversation in that public environment is something i truly enjoyed and if given the chance to experience it again i definitely would. ☺️

Eventually i'll ask Miss about her role because she's Daddy's sub but i have to pass her first to get to Daddy. Does that mean one day she's going to hand me off and i don't get to have her as Miss anymore 😢? i'm going to enjoy things as they are and take them as they come. Because i like Daddy & Miss a lot 🤷🏾‍♂️