#being told 'i'm hurt now' kinda fucking sucks. because i never wanted this to begin with

[senseless-blabbering]

kinda really sucks that i've been made to feel so obnoxious and wrong that i just can't really talk about anything myself unless i'm asked something

[xaren-jo]

.

had a falling out with a friend yesterday over her continuous shitting on cis people (among other things). supposedly they are the enemy and are oppressing us simply by existing. yes, even those who are just living their lives and minding their own business - cuz if you're not directly helping an oppressed group, you're participating in their oppression indirectly somehow (???). it's cishets and cishets only who came up with all things queerphobic in the first place; if one of our own perpetuates that crap, it's still the cishets' fault, the poor dear is just traumatized and lashing out. as for cis allies who do put their lives on the line for us - their efforts don't mean shit, because they're an outlier, and cis people "as a class" are still the oppressor anyway, so her hatred is justified.

and when i point out to her that appointing a broad, diverse group of people as the enemy helps no one, least of all herself, that's just me being purposefully obtuse and/or a traitor to my own people. and if i keep disagreeing with her, it's only to piss her off and to attack her.

and she's a radfem, so i knew what i was getting into from the start, but this is still just so frustrating. she's such a bright, passionate young woman. how can she be such an ass.

we had both legally transitioned at nearly the same time, pretty much in parallel but in different directions, and we supported each other as we navigated that whole ordeal. it hurts because i understand why she's so angry and why she's so scared, but she just. won't. listen. living with this hatred is hurting her, but she clings to it like a it's a damn lifeline. because being a hateful little gremlin and an anxious mess is the only appropriate/possible response to the current situation, i suppose. silly old me, what do i know.

i got it into my head that i have to help her because she's younger than me, and she's trying to do good for the community, and she's broke and hurt and has suicidal tendencies, but fff. i just can't do this anymore. i feel like crap almost every time we talk. the hatred and the fear just keep spilling out of her to land onto my head. it's like i'm a dumping ground or a fuckin outhouse or something. "oh, men are at the root of all evil, they just suck fundamentally because they're men - not trans men tho, and def not you, you're cool :)", "am i passing??? fuck, i have so much internalized transphobia. how's my woman voice??? i feel like i'm never gonna be a "real" woman, i need this and this surgery", "all sex work is rape, are you in support of rape???", "it's been five whole minutes, why aren't you answering me, i feel like we barely talk anymore :(", "i'm anxious, i'm terrified, i can't get out of the house. i'm taking a break from arguing with terrible people on the internet, it's been taking a toll on me - oh wait, nevermind, i'm back to arguing with terrible people on the internet, because SOMEONE HAS TO", she keeps telling me, day after day and week after week, nothing seems to change, "i want to kill myself right now - what do i want you to do with this information? i don't know, i guess i just want some support", "i remember you told me you feel like you're being used for your money and it makes you feel like crap, i feel so bad about this, but could you lend me some money???", and after i had just told her that i was kinda struggling financially at the moment - "oh, you're so boujee, you should give me money, hehehe :P", "i know this comes off as manipulative and i feel so bad about this, but i'm gonna do/say it anyway, please forgive me", and she begins to cry. "i got it into my head that you will save me - can you please save me?" - springing that shit on me in a public place, during a smoke break at a support group we both regularly attend, girl, wtf. how am i even supposed to respond to that. "let's drop the g and the l, this is a gay exclusionary support group - hehehe, jk, i just mean the cis gays of course :P i'm just mirroring the shit that gays say about us, it's fine", and now she's a moderator of said support group. just great.

AND forwarding me a bunch of articles and videos of trans people getting bashed (including one such video of herself), with no warning, because she's been gathering evidence to make her case for immigration, and she thought she should get it all in one place, that one place being my dms - i got so upset i was close to tears, i walked around in a daze for a week. AND THEN a week or so later forwarding me a bunch of transphobic death threats she's been getting, with, again, zero warning??? not the kind of light recreational reading i've been looking for, fuck you very much.

and again, this is frustrating because she's not a bad person, but damn. she's toxic. it feels like i'm a shitty friend, abandoning her for being inconvenient, but. fuck. i can't anymore. fuck it.

[casspurrjoybell-20]

Simply Elliott - Chapter 3

*Warning Adult Content*

Dr. Burgess

"How was your day, Elliott?" Dr. Burgess asked but I only shrugged.

I was usually compliant during my weekly sessions with Dr. Burgess.

In fact, I actually liked Dr. Burgess over the other failed therapists my parents assigned me to.

When I told my parents about me wanting to be a boy, they did a whole bunch of research and by 'research' I mean joining a 'Parents with Transgender Kids' group on Facebook and found that a lot of kids going through transition benefited from seeing a counselor on the regular.

I was a bit reluctant in the beginning especially when my first therapist, Dr. Harris talked a little too much about the cons of me being transgender.

Turns out she was just transphobic, go figure.

Then we found Dr. Burgess who specifically worked with queer and transgender kids, so I guess he was alright.

Dr. Burgess never sugarcoated anything and never made me feel judged or like he only cared about my money.

He spoke like he actually cared about me.

I didn't know if that was true or not and I didn't want to find out.

"Come on, Elliott, you know as well as I do that therapy only works if you engage."

I sighed and switched positions from siting slumped over with my face in my palms and my elbows digging into my knees, to laying down on his grey couch, face up.

My hands folded together across my stomach.

"Today kinda sucked, I guess."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, a classmate of mine reminded me I still have a vagina. Of course, the way he had to remind me was by humiliating me. Then my friend, Carter almost made it worse by bringing attention to it and my shitty, transphobic teacher gave me a detention."

"Mr. Stevens again?" I nodded.

"You have a solid case, Elliott, you could go to the board and..."

"There's no point. I'm graduating early."

At least that was the plan.

All I needed was to complete English IV and Social Studies and both of those I'd finish by the end on first semester.

"What did your classmate say?"

"I don't wanna talk about that. He's a lowlife who peaked in high school."

"But what he said got to you?"

I groaned, annoyed at myself because Dr. Burgess was right, Michael Anderson got to me.

Michael is the equivalent to scum on the Earth and yet I let his words get under my skin.

I sat up while speaking in exasperation.

"I just want the surgery done now. It fucking sucks knowing..."

'God dammit, I was going to cry.'

I laid back down, dragging my finger nails back and forth over my thighs as I blinked rapidly, willing my stupid self not to cry.

"Knowing a physical part of me is missing. I mean, how the fuck do you cope with life until you get that missing part?"

Yeah, I ended up sobbing for the rest of my session but that day turned around in the evening.

Carla, Carter and I met up at our town's movie theater where Sam worked at.

Sam and Sam's friend, Ben were working at the concession, filling buckets with popcorn and drizzling on butter before handing it to customers.

Sam was going on about his plan to surprise in boyfriend up in Chicago.

I heard about the relationship and how they both got together, Noah cheating on his girlfriend for Sam.

It made me a little nervous for Sam.

I liked Noah and they were definitely good together but being away at college is different.

You meet knew people, discover more about yourself and want to experience new things.

I just hoped Noah doesn't end up hurting Sam.

Sam was a good person.

"So I'll get to Noah's by nine am. I think he has class until ten or something, so I'll have time to settle in before he gets home."

"You gotta be completely naked when he gets home," Carter suggested with a grin and Sam actually looked like he was considering the idea.

"Oh, yes," Carla exclaimed with excitement.

I chuckled.

"Definitely don't do that, what if he brings his friends or classmates over?"

"Ew, yeah, that'd be humiliating," Sam agreed, right before a group of freshman, walked up to the counter for popcorn.

Carla, Carter and I moved to the side to give the group some room.

"Oh, I wish I had someone to come surprise me," Carla spoke with a tad of loneliness in her tone.

I shrugged and Carter said.

"Trust me, relationships are ass. Always having to check in on them, no communication, trust issues and jealousy, cheating and lies. Most of them are fake," Carter spoke like he truly believed that.

"Sam and Noah just got lucky. Barely. Sam's jealousy is fucking drowning him."

"Damn," I said.

"I mean, I'm not one for 'true love' and shit but that's a little too pessimistic."

"You both are pessimistic," Carla spoke.

"You always think everyone's going to hate your body," she was talking to me and Carter gave me a questioning look.

Carla didn't know how to filter herself.

"And you," she was talking to Carter now.

"Think everyone's going to be the same as your ex-girlfriend."

"And you," Carter spoke to Carla.

"Read too much romance novels."

Carla laughed.

"That's probably true."

I shook my head with a faux chuckle but I felt a bit abashed by Carla's words.

She was right though, it's hard to believe anyone would find my body attractive let alone love it.

Especially when I hated it but did she really need to say that in front of Carter?

And then I started thinking about how I hated my body and how Carter knew that and oh God, I just wanted to lay in bed and not get out.

"Hey, um, I'm actually gonna go home. Tell Sam I said bye," I told them.

I was no longer in the mood to talk to anyone.

[neteluvr-library]

andra bb i am a sucker for the toxic relationship trope...like they're just toooooo good hehehehe i've been waiting to read this one for like the past two days 😭 THE ENDING WAS SO CUTE!!!! i was not expecting the fluff, I'll take it, but i was fully expecting an unresolved ending HAHAH is andra going soft on us? anyway i loved this <3

...but nothing was ever grey with Neteyam. No, Neteyam was all or nothing always, black or white and nothing else, and that meant that loyalty for his family quickly turned into neglect for you, determination for his practice quickly turned to forgetfulness of you, and his power, beauty, intelligence and charm meant you never got to do anything about it, because, if you ever tried, you ended up overpowered, outsmarted and fucked dumb face down on your mat until you forgot you were ever mad to begin with.

WAIT I FUCKING LOVE THIS THO!!!!! like....i see neteyam as being so complex that all of these things are true. no one is perfect, even our baby neteyam, so i could easily see all of his good traits turn bad. there's a quote out there that's like "some of the reasons why you fall in love with someone are the reason you fall out of love with them too" which i can see in this paragraph

"Every day and night, I do nothing but wait, Neteyam. Wait for a man who doesn't think twice about the plans he's made, the promises he never keeps, the memories that sour with every absence he gifts to me like a necklace that half-chokes me to death.

This isnt relevant to this story...but the necklace comment just reminded me of Vol throwing away her necklace in the ending of cruel summer...was that little nod or just a coincidence AHAHAHHA

you immediately close them around him and lick... and suck, and he moans,

No cause he's a little shit and knows what he's doing...but I would be the dumn bitch and fall for it.

Propped with your hands on his shoulders, his fingers around your throat, you were bouncing up and down his cock, trying to ignore how you could be caught at any point...

IM CRYINNGGGG THEY HAVE NO SHAME but also that's kinda of exciting???? 100% would bounce on that dick without any thoughts

"We are never getting back together. Like ever."

i just, i mean, this is exhausting you??

"I want to believe you, friend...I really do, but... you've said that one too many times. You're the girl that cried Palulukan. Nobody's coming to rescue you now, sister."

NOOO SHES ONE OF THOSE GIRLS.....we all have that one home girl who doesn't want to leave her terrible boyfriend no matter how many times shes been told to 😭 if you don't have that friend...then you are that friend LOL (i have been there too) but also i would not fucking leave neteyam if he was real. I would be his doormateidc!!!

...not when he pressed a kiss on your temple as his arm found the back of your knees for added support

sorry but it would be nice to have a man carry me home after I've drank too much, its just so domestic and sweet

"I found him coming back from practice. He was hurt and limping, and clinging to his mother's corpse. I took him home and have been helping my grandmother tend to him ever since. That's why I'm late."

AWGNJGRJGNRJGHJRK BABBY!!!!!!!! i just fell in love 100x more andra oh my god why would you do this to us this is soo precious

From now on, I only want to run towards things. Towards you. I’m yours. You own me. For good, this time. If you still want me.”

NOW IM CRYING!!!!!!!!!! sobbing i need him in my life

ੈ♡˳ ɪ ɢᴏ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛɪᴍᴇ

Pairing: Neteyam x Omaticaya!Reader

Synopsis: You and Neteyam's relationship only knows the 3Fs: fighting, fleeing or... loving.

Requested: Yes.

Warnings: 18+ minors DNI. aged up!, smut (p in v, oral - f receiving, light choking, praise kink), fluff, kinda toxic relationship but it's fine cause it's neteyam and i don't see red when it comes to him, it's all golden

WC: 2.3k words

A/N: how the hell did this also turn fluffy in the end??? what is wrong w me??? anyway, i had so so much fun with this request, it might quickly become one of my favourite things i've ever written. thank you so much for the sweet anonnie who suggested it, and i hope you enjoy x

I get tired of your no-shows You get tired of my control They keep telling me to let go But I don't really let go when I say so 

"Everybody's going out. Just come out with us. Don't let him ruin another perfectly nice eclipse."

Your best friend was so right, as she always was, as she gave you this speech for what felt like the millionth time in the years you've had an on-again, off-again situationship with the prince of the Omaticaya, the one and only Neteyam te Suli Tsyeyk'itan - a man you loved, that you wished you didn't sometimes, most times, especially tonight, as he forgot about your plans... again, in order to train for way longer than was needed or necessary, way longer than anybody else... again.

Look, you loved Neteyam's drive. It was part of what drove you to him to begin with. He was unrelenting and determined, he was powerful and skilled, he was savvy and intelligent, he was beautiful and charming, he loved his family to death and was incredibly loyal and all those things made him just so. damn. hot.

They also made him the reason you wanted to pull your braids out, because those traits were good in moderation, but nothing was ever grey with Neteyam. No, Neteyam was all or nothing always, black or white and nothing else, and that meant that loyalty for his family quickly turned into neglect for you, determination for his practice quickly turned to forgetfulness of you, and his power, beauty, intelligence and charm meant you never got to do anything about it, because, if you ever tried, you ended up overpowered, outsmarted and fucked dumb face down on your mat until you forgot you were ever mad to begin with.

I've tried to fight our energy, but everytime I think I'm free  You get high and call on the regular I get weak and fall like a teenager Why, oh why does God keep bringing me back to you?

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm sorry? I need to do this, tiyawn, I have to be stronger for my family, for my clan... for you. You're being unreasonable."

"I'm being unreasonable?! Are you out of your fucking mind?"

You feel tears pool in your eyes and spill like a broken fountain as you take him in, bloodied gashes and muddy patches, tired eyes and calloused hands and still... the most beautiful man you've ever seen in your life. He looked at you exasperatedly, like you're the crazy one, and you hate it. Hate what he's doing to you, hate that he doesn't consider you or think about you, and that his sorries are always stained with unspoken truths, like how he doesn't truly mean it, not when to him, it's all justified, it's all warranted, and shouldn't be questioned.

"Every day and night, I do nothing but wait, Neteyam. Wait for a man who doesn't think twice about the plans he's made, the promises he never keeps, the memories that sour with every absence he gifts to me like a necklace that half-chokes me to death. I'm tired. I can't do this anym-"

A kiss is all it takes to silence you, to stun you, to make you melt in his embrace the way you always do, all the arguments and the ultimatums swallowed under the intensity of the touch of his lips on yours, his tongue meeting your own in a welcome embrace, so intimate and knowing, so fucking frustrating.

"Net-..."

His thumb traces your lips, the mix of your salivas making the glide easy, as his beautiful golden eyes bore into yours with enough force to cower you, to make you hunger and ache for more. That's all you ever wanted when it comes to Neteyam - more. When his finger pushes gently past your lips and into your mouth, you immediately close them around him and lick... and suck, and he moans, his gaze growing darker and needier with each second you're not writhing under him, the way you should be, the way you were meant to be.

"No, tiyawn. I can't let you speak if you insist on saying those insipid, meaningless words again. You won't leave, because you can't leave. Because you're mine. And I'm yours. You own me."

His hand grabs yours and redirects it to his loincloth, tented up under the weight of his hard-on and the slight damp spot under your touch makes you swallow instinctively. You had no thoughts outside of him anymore, outside of the overwhelming desire that took over you whenever he was in your presence, his being inundating your senses and hijacking your mind to be rid of all but him, full of him, only him.

"Look what you do to me. You. Only you. I need you. Always. I know I'm not good enough, I know, but ..."

His hands find their way to your ass, lifting you gently, and you wrap your thighs around him, although there's no need, not when he moves you just a few feet until he's sitting on your mat, laying you gently on it. When he moves his hands, he takes your loincloth with him, and you whine softly at the sudden cool breeze that hits your aching, sopping core.

"...Let me show you how sorry I am."

When he lays down with his head between your thighs, you know he's forgiven already, because whatever he's about to do is always more than enough to make up for all the shit he didn't do, because the stuff he knows how to do is enough to excuse world calamities and mass destruction in your mind.

Just when I get on a new wave Boy, you look at me and I slip outta my lace They keep calling me a head-case 'Cause I can't make a good case why we can't change

"You're out of your mind, tiyawn."

"Well, if I'm out of my mind, then you made me out of my mind, you skxawng."

"Can we talk about this somewhere more private?"

You have to admit, starting the fight at the communal dinner in front of his parents, the leaders of the clan, and your friends, and everyone you knew, was probably a bit gauche and uncouth, but you think it was just more than anything a perfect testimony of how this man drove you to the brink of insanity in a way no one else could.

"Fine, but I swear to Eywa that if you -"

"A-ah, fuck!"

Propped with your hands on his shoulders, his fingers around your throat, you were bouncing up and down his cock, trying to ignore how you could be caught at any point, how close you were to the communal fire, barely covered by some shrubbery, how fear was fuel for your desire as his tip kept slamming into your cervix so hard you felt it in your ribcage when he rutted upwards into you.

"Quiet, tiyawn. You don't want people to hear us, now do you?"

A glint of mischief flashed across his eyes, smirk to match, as he brought the hand he had gripped on your hips to help him move you on his length forward, circling your clit masterfully and you whimper again, eliciting a small laugh from him.

"Or maybe you like that? 'That turn you on, huh? My dirty girl."

The sound of skin slapping against skin was so strident you'd be surprised if someone wouldn't come just to see if they can catch the end tail of a rousing performance people couldn't help but clap for, but to be honest with yourself, you didn't care. It was known in the village - your mad, intense, mercurial, quixotic relationship with Neteyam. You were both crazy - for each other, and in general, it seemed, because you fought, fled and fucked more often than truly anyone could keep with with.

"Eywa, I love watching you take my cock. You're such a good girl, and you always take me so well, tiyawn. So well."

You said nothing as the rush of all the sensations trying you quickly became overwhelming, as the heady combination of being chocked by a man who knew how to use it to your advantage helped heighten his ministrations on your clit, his wild and intemperate thrusts that stretched you and filled like you craved, like only he could, and you come, whining and sobbing, nails digging painfully in his skin. He follows suit, his own groans unable to be kept hidden, and he releases his hand from around your neck and brings it back to the nape of your neck, willing you softly in his chest, where, although full of cobwebs and a little dusty, would always be your home.

"Shh, that's right. Did so well for me, tiyawn. My perfect girl." A kiss on your temple, soft and intimate, and the constant shower of unbridled praise, that you lived to see come out of his beautiful mouth as he filled you up with his cock, reminded you why you stayed and came back, over and over. Because it was worth it. And he was worth it.

"I'm still fucking mad at you."

I get drunk, pretend that I'm over it Self-destruct, show up like an idiot Why, oh why does God keep bringing me Back to you?

"We are never getting back together. Like ever." you say in between sips of fermented yovo juice, that always goes to your head way too quickly, that always makes a mess out of your tongue and a slur of your words.

"I want to believe you, friend...I really do, but... you've said that one too many times. You're the girl that cried Palulukan. Nobody's coming to rescue you now, sister."

"N-no..." the hiccup was violent enough to make you throw up in your mouth and you groaned, the headache caused by the startled yelp digging in your temples. “I me-mean it this t-time. It’s o-over.” You were stomping your feet in determination, eager to prove that you would once and for all be rid of the man that was nowhere to be found for the village celebration that he’s known about for months.

“Lo-Lo’ak! Hey Lo’ak!” The sighting of Neteyam’s nicer, more amiable, sociable younger brother was a one for sore eyes, as it proved that it wasn’t family duty keeping your boyfriend… ex-boyfriend… away, it was his own maddening stubbornness and selfishness doing it instead.

“Neteyam’s training… I’m sorry. We told him to come, but he… gets in like a weird trance whenever he’s on the grounds, I swear it’s like something out of an Earth zombie movie.”

You didn’t know what he was talking about and he didn’t elaborate before he took off, leaving you leaning against a tree with only your tiny friend as a barrier between your face and the cold, hard, ground.

“Argh, who cares?! It’s be-better he’s gone, he’s a k-killjoy anyway and i for one a-am happy to be rid of-“

“Neteyam!” Tuk’s screams close to deafen you and the sound was the last push your body needed to lunge itself forward and hurl the contents of your stomach onto the mossy ground that was now more yellow than it had ever been green.

“Oh, mighty and all-powerful Eywa.”

“Hi, Syulen. I got it, thanks.”

“Take her home, Neteyam. And don’t get any funny ideas.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Come, tiyawn.”

You wanted to protest, but the bile in your mouth was bitter and burning, and so you didn’t, not as he picked you up as gently as if you were a precious flower he didn’t want to wilt, not when he pressed a kiss on your temple as his arm found the back of your knees for added support, not as he carried you home silently, outside of the soft-spoken coos of affection and apologies, while you mumbled unattractively in his chest.

“I hate y-you.”

"I know."

"You're the wo-worst."

"I know."

As you reached your tent, you were greeted by soft trills and purrs that sobered you immediately, that made you jump from his arms and onto the ground, where a small pup lay. It was cautious as you approached, but eventually relaxed around you and let you kneel beside it. It has an ugly gash across its back, that looked like it had been tended to. It was a Palulukan pup, and the thought made fevered chills run down your spine.

"Neteyam, wha-"

"I found him coming back from practice. He was hurt and limping, and clinging to his mother's corpse. I took him home and have been helping my grandmother tend to him ever since. That's why I'm late."

“I know you’ve been lonely since your parents died. Well, he seemed lonely too. His parents are gone, and so I thought… you could be his new home. And I could be yours. I’m done running away, tiyawn. From now on, I only want to run towards things. Towards you. I’m yours. You own me. For good, this time. If you still want me.”

You smile a sheepish smile, looking up at him through your lashes while you pet the new priceless addition to your small family. You really were the girl that cried Palulukan.

“If I say no, will you take him away?”

He winced a little, a grimace marring his beautiful features.

“Of course not.”

“If I say yes, can we all be a family?”

The grimace dissolved as quickly as it appeared and a dazzling, gummy smile replaced it, one that dizzied you in its utter and undeniable beauty, one that you couldn’t help replicate, not when kneeled in front of you and took your face in his hands, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs, his own face mere inches from yours.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

taglist: @fanboyluvr @yagirlheree @teyamsbitch