#being that moms are usually the poster parent for unconditional love which is a whole mixed bag I'm not getting into today

[filmwuju]

[TRANS] Character Introduction: People around Seongyeom & Mijoo

Ki Jeongdo | Yook Jiwoo | Ki Eunbi | Kim Wooshik | Kwon Young-il | Kim Hyunjin | Park May

Ki Jeongdo (Male, late 50s) Seongyeom's father / Four-term assemblyman

A politician who was an athlete. Back then, he was renowned as the nation's thief for snatching actress Yook Jiwoo, who was the nation's first love, at the prime of her youth. Rising to fame, he threw his hat into the political ring, as if he was waiting for this. Him moving into his wife's family home as a live-in son-in-law was also for the campaign fund.

Managing a family that can be recognized by citizens during elections was also Jeongdo's long time plan. As a man, Jiwoo was his trophy; and being the father of siblings who are national athletes, he was able to bear national sentiment. Seongyeom's home becoming a show window family was entirely Jeongdo's volition. Family means gathering together when needed and taking a harmonious photo, that's it. Just one is hard enough already, how incredible is it to raise two national representatives of South Korea? He regards fatherly love as an instinct, and thinks what he's doing to his children is true love. Not knowing that for the person receiving the unwanted love, that love can become violence.

He has always been privileged with vested rights, and since he's in the upper class, he always lived with pride. He has never doubted his capability of going higher, higher up. Most politicians are likewise, their final goal is running for the presidential election. And since they're running, naturally, they want to win. But Seongyeom, who used to be an obedient chess piece, keeps causing trouble. So he's contemplating on how to quash him.

Yook Jiwoo (Female, late 50s) Seongyeom's mother / Actress

A top actress hailed as the nation's first love. If there's Suzy in the 2000s, there was Yook Jiwoo in the 1980s. During the early days of her career, she went by the stage name Jiwoo, without the Yook, because her last name comes off as stubborn. This was her agency's policy. Later, Jiwoo saw her name on a movie poster and threw a huge fit. Since then, she goes by her full name that sounds stubborn for a "female" actor.

She's a perfect actress named as the Queen of Cannes; but she's a born actress who, in pursuit of her career, is far from even the letter M in the word "mother", much less be an excellent one.

Ki Eunbi (Female, 30) Seongyeom's sister / Pro golfer

She doesn't know how to love in an ordinary way, because she's never lived an ordinary life. The world's number one female golfer. With that title alone,  men—regardless of their skin color—approached her, not knowing how Eunbi is like after falling in love. There are no exceptions—whether they have a strong build, or got a straightforward personality. By the time they realize how scary Ki Eunbi is not as the queen of golf, but as a lover, it's already too late—so accept your fate. Once she takes a bite, she does not let go until she gets sick of it. There's no place to escape unless you go to the edge of the world.

Of course there's an exception. When their love for her dies down, she lets go without hesitation. It was always easier to figure out separation than love. The same goes for her family. The time she spent with them in her whole life wouldn't amount to even one year because of her trips abroad. They always separated the moment they met, and she felt worried at the thought of Seongyeom, who would be alone in the huge house. My poor little brother. Their father, who likes to rank, compares them frequently; the media, who likes to chatter, bashes him regularly. My little brother Seongyeom. Seongyeom, whose sin is getting born as my little brother.

Of course she worked hard, but Eunbi's talent played a bigger part. Her sense of distance is more outstanding than others, and she's exceptional in controlling her strength. They said the only thing left for a first placer to do is to fall downwards, but Eunbi didn't know how to fall. If she didn't have talent, would it be a different story? While having these thoughts, she saw Seongyeom and thought, hmm.. it would be stressful to have no talent.

She's even sick of the first place now. Feeling bored, she was thinking whether she should retire and rest a bit, but her beloved little brother caused big trouble. What can I do? My little brother wants to do it. It's an older sister's duty to act as his shield, and I won't die from doing it for a few years more—so just for a bit longer, I'd have to stay in the first place for him.

Kim Wooshik (Male, 20) National track and field athlete

He lost his parents at a young age and was raised by his grandmother. Unlike someone his age, he believes in superstitions. But rather than saying he believes in them, it's more like he's familiar about life and is treated as a precocious child. His self-sufficient grandmother clothed him in cleanly washed clothes even though they're old, and did everything she can so that Wooshik can grow up as a bright and optimistic person. Wooshik, who grew up just like how she raised him to be, was perfectly kind and honest. He wasn't good at studying but he was smart; his hands were slow but his feet were fast. Naturally, Wooshik chose track and field. It was also a sport that he could do even with no money. He fell in love at first sight after watching Seongyeom's race, ran all the way with Seongyeom as his goal, and became a national athlete. It's his wish to run a relay race in the same competition with Seongyeom before the latter retires. No records or competition, just as Ki Seongyeom and Kim Wooshik.

He once saw a passage that said forgiveness is the biggest revenge. That's like saying the powerless can't do anything but to forgive. Ever since his days in  sports high school, he experienced countless assaults and abuse under the force of power. And you say that's the biggest revenge? It was a day when he got beaten by his seniors as usual. He roughly wiped the blood from his nose using his sleeves. The superstitions Wooshik believed in were of no help at all in the face of reality. The one who offered Wooshik practical help was Seongyeom. He told him that forgiving is the victim's right. He told him that he doesn't need to forgive if he doesn't want to. As the only person who told him that, how could Wooshik not admire him.

Kwon Young-il (Male, 29) National track and field athlete

South Korea's track and field record holder. As the best sprinter, he lives up to his reputation of South Korea's No.1 track and field athlete who receives unconditional support from track and field fans. He's a narcissist who cares about nothing but himself, but takes an interest only in Seongyeom. It's because he's jealous.  Whenever he's free, he picks a quarrel with the forever runner-up Seongyeom and ends up saying foolish words. I'm the real first placer, but why does it feel like I'm being pushed back by Ki Seongyeom every single time?

But still, as Seongyeom's long-time colleague, and as a sportsman, he's a friend who supports Seongyeom for the path he's going.

Kim Hyunjin (Male, early 40s) Assemblyman Ki Jeongdo's aide

Would there be another expression that puts a limit on Hyunjin as much as the phrase "aide by nature" does? However, he is a capable aide—to the level that everyone would agree in unison—who grasps everything about the Ki family, including Assemblyman Ki himself. He's machine-like, making one wonder if his heart is made of steel; he does not feel things like conscience and warmth.

Park May (Female, 35) CEO of imported film distributor May

Her name was originally Maehwi. Was it her dad's poor hearing, or her mom's poor pronunciation? Her dad, who heard Maehwi as May, registered her birth with the name "May". For a long time, her mom called her Maehwi and her dad called her May. To May, the actual party concerned, it didn't matter whatever they called her by. What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

May believed in fundamental things. This was also due to her peaceful and cool nature; is it because of that? Entering a translation and interpreting university at the top of her class and finishing her studies in a graduate school of the same expertise, she was walking the so-called elite course. But then she set aside her career path and went into foreign film translation. The reason was simple. Because films are fun, but film festivals are freaking fun. She was in Busan when she first met Mijoo. At the Busan International Film Festival, which she skipped her class for, their sharing of the same bed at the guesthouse was the beginning of their relationship. After getting to know her, she found out that she's a distant junior of hers under the same department in their university. Mijoo was 21.

There is no bad Mijoo in this world. This is the pet theory of May as the dog owner of Mijoo. Mijoo—rough and clumsy, which makes her cute and pure too—was like a dog sometimes, she had no hesitations in baring her claws at arrogant things. From then on, May took it upon herself to be the dog owner. She was worried. If Mijoo meets a good person, it feels like she'd overcome her struggles and become extremely successful*, and if she meets a bad person, it feels like she'd get stabbed with a knife in the midst of selling drugs in a backstreet. All or nothing—Mijoo, who has no in between, didn't have a lot of things. She said she's never met a nice adult in her 20 years of life. Ah... I'm stuck. No choice, I'd have to be the nice adult for Mijoo, she decided**. Just like that, she spent around 10 years of time with her, as a senior and roommate.

She had more curiosity and energy before compared to now, but she feels no excitement nor interest in whatever she does these days. When she was young, she simply felt that her older seniors were cool, but now that she's at that age, she understood. There's just no fun in doing anything. She's done them all, tasted them all; the energy she used to pour out without reservation had been exhausted since long time ago.

Around that period of ennui in her life, an unsavory incident broke out in the translation industry she's been working in. She left translation behind and set up an imported film distributing company. As a small company that mainly imported independent films and art films, it involved a lot of legwork, so business trips is a norm. Her dream was to be a salaried employee for a lifetime, but why'd she become a CEO? CEOs like salaries too.. she didn't know of this fact until she became one herself. Is this, depressing? May, who was mentally healthy, immediately began her visits to the psychiatrist. Antidepressants help people who help themselves, and May wants to help herself properly. And since she's on it already, it's better to be bright and healthy.

T/N: * The idiom used in the original text is 개천에서 용 난다, which literally means "a dragon rises up from a creek." Often translated as "rags to riches," it is used to refer to someone from a humble background who overcame their hardships and became extremely successful.

** A longer translation that would more properly express the nuance of the original sentence would be:  May decided that: I'm not the best choice, but since there's no one else to do it, there's no choice but for me, at least, to be the good adult for Mijoo.

(orig post link from writer Park Shihyun’s DC gallery post)

[wildflower8281]

#Lovethyself: An Exploration of Self-Love

In addition to being a guru on ‘saying no,’ I like to think I’m pretty well versed in self-love (they’re intricately linked anyway) and I intend to share here how I arrived to that and what that looks and feels like. I know “self-love” is a slightly annoying, trendy topic these days, but overall I think that’s probably a good start. I also don’t really like the corny sound of “self-love” but I have no cooler term, so go ahead and get over any initial distaste for the phrase and read this for the feel of it, which is what we’re going for here 😊 #lovethyself

Growing Up #Loved

Our little, malleable nervous systems, spirits and bodies learn love first from those people who cared for us during our first years of life, from birth to age 5. What it looks and feels like is basically imprinted in us from that time frame and it becomes the set point we return to, when we think about ourselves, and ultimately seek to love others. We learn & imprint so much about love and relationship in general from those first 5 years! (Nothing that cannot be overridden or unlearned if it wasn’t fantastic….it’s just good data, right?! #knowthyself) If you felt warm, heard, cuddled, nourished, held….you’ve got a pretty sweet and right on imprint. If you felt cold, scared, angry, hurt: I cannot & will not pretend to say that I understand, but I do know the human spirit is dynamic enough to create a new love story for your heart. This I know and fiercely believe.

I most definitely started out on 3rd base of the self-love department. Both my mom and dad were very present, loving parents. 

My mom is an abundantly affectionate, solicitous woman for whom being Mother is truly one of her most sacred callings. My dad was a faithful provider, who enjoyed playing with us, teaching us and making us laugh as we grew up. I remember both being around, I remember feeling utterly taken care of by them both, always feeling safe and feeling like they both just loved being with me. (This probably contributes to my “the world revolves around me” syndrome, but that’s another story!) I remember sweetness & laughter, but also boundaries that kept us safe. There have been numerous occasions in my life when I realized that I was somewhat resilient in a situation, and most of the time I look back and credit the unconditional love I was shown (and still am) by Mom and Dad – it gives one the feeling of always having safe ground to land on, always knowing you are safe and loved. While my parents later separated and divorced (when I was in college,) most of my young life was very happy, safe and peaceful – a blueprint for what I understood love to look, feel and sound like for me and as I learned to express it to others.

The Flip Side

So, if a person did not grow up in a loving environment, then their nervous systems, spirits, bodies and hearts have a different blueprint for what love feels, looks and sounds like. It may feel dark, empty, dramatic, angry, desperate, scared, heavy. It may sound negative, mean or simply silent. Bodies may feel tense, have pain, headaches or allergies – as the body holds onto feelings in unique ways in each person. There are as many blueprints for love as there are people. Even siblings have different blueprints because they have different temperaments and grow up at varying times in family life. I know that what is normal for some people is truly quite the opposite from what I personally lived. I also know that none of the things just mentioned above are what real, unconditional love looks, feels or sounds like. However, since it may be all someone knows, it’s what they think love looks, feels and sounds like. Also, none of this is to say that some parents/guardians were not doing the best they could with what they had. Some probably were, some probably weren’t. It’s also not to say that our stories, wherever they fall on the spectrum, are not to be honored. 

I am well aware that my experience is rare, unique and some might say very lucky. That’s why I feel my ultimate purpose in life is to love rightly & generously the people in my life. Receiving love, seeing it being given, feeling it is what I know from my life experience. I know what being unconditionally loved feels like. I know what being cared for feels like. I know what feeling safe feels like. And I want everyone to know what all of that feels, looks and sounds like. I believe that if you have that foundation (either from yourself or another,) you really can bring your best, most radiant badass self out into the world, doling out your gifts, conquering your fears, crafting your art, whatever you want! That kind of love shatters all the walls and slays the fears and allows one to move forward in the direction of their dreams.

#NunLife and #BodyImage

While I may have started out on 3rd base, that’s not to say that I was a master of self-love right away or even knew about it. In fact, entering the convent after college was probably the most opposite direction of self-love I could have gone – it’s kind of based on selfless service (insert crying/laughing emoji here!) And, as usual, despite my sarcasm and eye rolls about much of it, I truly am grateful for the extreme lifestyle experience the convent was because I know that without such an insane case of the opposite, I would not be such a staunch advocate and practioner of self-love and saying no now. 

(Funny nun pics are like party favors. This is real life. Roadtripping across the country in a caravan of nun-vans. Camping in Arches Park, Utah. It wasn’t all bad. Insane? Most. Bad? Nah.)

As nuns (and in orthodox catholic thought,) it’s heroic and virtuous to imitate

 Jesus and so, put yourself last, sacrifice what you want, think lowly of yourself and frequently recall that you are a sinner. So, whatever surges up naturally in your body, mind or heart is to be ignored and mistrusted. I am not exaggerating here. We literally were taught a concept called agere contra, which means in Latin, “to go against.” We were taught to apply this to all desires of the heart, mind and body….Right. Take a moment…. If we wanted a hot beverage, it would be virtuous to go get a cold glass of water or simply go without. If we wanted to sleep with an extra blanket, it would be virtuous not to and suffer the cold like Christ and the poor. If we wanted to ask for a break because we had a headache, it would be virtuous to carry the cross and keep working. Self-talk and behavior was always in the form of denial and recalling our status as sinners in need of penance or at least trying to be in solidarity with the poor Christ. We fasted regularly, regularly got insufficient sleep, some of us slept on boards of wood, took cold showers, always sat in the most uncomfortable place, never took the flavor we really wanted, etc. Yes, some crazy shit. So, 8 years of that was fun. Is it no wonder that now I’m basically the wild-child poster-child of doing whatever I want & treating myself and trying to get everyone I know to do the same?! We turned that shit right the fuck around real quick!!!!!! (It actually wasn’t real quick…there was some serious brainwashing that took and still takes a loooooooong time to override….those grooves were formed real deep in my brain and thought processes. Ask any of us who left and they will all agree how hard the mental game is post-convent…learning to “give yourself permission” to listen to yourself, what you want and need. Woa. Serious shit for another post.)

(Above: Girls group in East Harlem, 2009. Friday nites making pizza and playing games. Good times!)

So the convent would be considered my abnormal experience of not practicing self-love. However, I do have a more normal experience: as most girls, I went through phases with body image that weren’t healthy – mentally and physically. Most of those years were post-convent. What healed me of that was yoga and therapy. Yoga helped me to be gentle with my body, listen to her and feel all the things she was feeling. It taught me how to be with myself & accept myself, even when I felt different each day.  Therapy helped me change how I thought and re-introduced into my mind that it was ok to give myself what I needed or wanted. Since I had such a strong foundation already (early childhood love laid on thick and strong,) it only took a short time for both to work their magic and I was able to shake loose the demons of negative body talk and restrictive ideas and habits around food. Never to be seen again! Now I eat all the tortillas I want, gluten, sugar, all of it! 😊

Touch, Sound, Sight

Not that I know all the ways that self-love can feel, sound and look like. I don’t and never will, but I think I know enough to provide some examples.

What does self-love FEEL like? Gentle, soft, warm, safe, held, nourished, free, freedom. How you feel in a warm, cozy bed on a cold morning, in front of a bonfire on a cold nite, sinking into a hot bath, how you feel when you are doing your favorite thing, how you feel when your dog jumps all over you because he is so stoked that you’re home, how you feel when you cuddle with said dog on the couch or watch him run happily around the park or after a ball…All possible examples of what this type of love feels like.

What does self-love SOUND like? I am ok, I am safe, I am whole. I am loved. I did the best I could. It’s ok to not feel ok. It’s ok that I feel sad or upset. I’m ok even if I feel less than right now. Feelings are not me, they pass through me. I love my body, even though it’s not perfect – it allows me to think, create, walk, breathe, eat, etc. It’s ok when I don’t love my body. I accept how I feel right now and embrace me just how I am. Even if I don’t feel great about me right now, that’s ok too.

It also sounds like this: No, I don’t want to do that. No, I don’t want to take on that responsibility. No, that job does not light up my spirit. No, I don’t want to go out tonite and that’s ok. No, I don’t want to go to grad school. No, that person drains me.

Most of the time self-love sounds like your own inner voice and that is really the only voice that you need to tune into. Sometimes, though, it does come in the voice of another. So, if it feels like the Universe just pinged you through someone else’s words, listen to that because She did. 😊

For me, self-love sounds like: I am safe. I am whole. I am utterly loved by many people. Yes, I’m gonna buy that piece of art for my house because it lights me up!  I am healthy. I have an open heart. I am loving. I love my body and all that she does for me. I am a beautiful woman, I am an intuitive woman. That doesn’t feel right, so no. I’m not comfortable with that place, person, situation, so no. I do the best I can with the time I have. I am grateful for my body, mind and spirit. Yes, I want that cookie! Yes, I’m taking that trip! The Universe upholds me always and always ordains things for my highest good.

What does self-love LOOK like? This varies a lot because we each take comfort in different ways and enjoy different things. Whatever makes you feel good in ways that are uplifting to your body, mind & spirit is what self-love looks like for you. What brings you comfort almost immediately? What do you do in your free time? Do you love a certain park or café? Do you love cooking a particular meal or baking? Riding your bike, being near the ocean, sitting with some tea, painting, going for a long walk? Taking a day off?!

For me, self-love often looks like this: coffee & a book snuggled on my couch, sleeping in late, being in nature, movement of some kind, carving out time to write & journal, committing to an art class, making dates with my favorite people, cooking nourishing foods, taking a trip to Target, going to a café, buying ice cream, pan dulce & coffee, cookies & coffee, sharing my heart with my family and close friends.

(Pic from an amazing road trip to Montreal with my amazing sister, 2015. Can’t beat morning coffee time with sister!)

Does self-love only have to take place when I’m going through a hard time? No, and it shouldn’t! That’s like saying I should only eat healthy when I’m sick. Self-love is a lifestyle thang, friendies. Self-love is a daily thing. Self-love is how we talk to ourselves daily, how we craft our time daily and how we craft our lives to feel like, daily. Everything I listed above as what self-love looks and sounds like is actually what my life each day & week is mostly filled with. (Anyone who I work with knows that I eat chocolate cookies with my coffee on a daily basis! I also prioritize sweating my ass off for almost an hour every morning, so yea.) It doesn’t only look that way when I go through a tough time. Self-love habits build the foundation for when you are in a tough time, so you don’t fall so hard and you know exactly how to care for yourself, to bring you back to your self-love set point.

Can I love others well if I don’t love myself? I don’t really think so.

People who do not love themselves may do ok in the loving others department from the outside, but usually it’s way off balance. It’s in the form of self-sacrifice, being a doormat, people pleasing, giving without boundaries. It’s an unbalanced love that ultimately will run dry & at the end of the day, they do not feel loved or fulfilled by it. That’s a part of why I left the convent. It’s why religious life is a faulty system. One cannot give selflessly forever. They will die, in heart first, and ultimately in body. I’m lucky I got out alive 😉

Can I receive love well if I don’t love myself? I don’t really think so.

I’ve witnessed it a gazillion times. People who do not love themselves find receiving love an uncomfortable space to be in. It’s awkward, strange, unfamiliar territory for them and they don’t know how to respond and sometimes do not react well. It’s like speaking Russian to someone. It’s an unknown language. They don’t have the vocabulary to receive or respond – both of which I truly believe are learned by seeing it in action, so it’s no one’s fault if they’ve never been surrounded by that. Believe me, I am a lover and I’ve loved many a human on all the levels, and I find it fascinating how people respond or react to being loved. It speaks volumes of their early life. It doesn’t make me love less, it just gives me good, helpful data. I observe, read and take it as a gift to learn that person more. #psychnerd4life

Fin

So then, why self-love?

1.)   Because you deserve it. If that doesn’t feel right, then just start there.

2.)   Because it feels great!

3.)   Because the thoughts and energy we put out into the world are what we attract. If we think we are beautiful and loveable and amazing, we will attract those vibes even more to us.

4.)   And, well, because we simply cannot give what we don’t have, yo! #Lovethyself so that you’ll be able to bring your most radiant, rad self into the world!

So, ultimately, I wrote this to put out into the interwebs some tangible examples of what self-love looks, sounds and feels like because, as someone who has live surrounded by love most of my life, I feel some kind of responsibility to spread that and share that. I try to live that out, but today I felt led to write about it. My heart hurts for friends and humans who have not felt real love for most or even some of their lives, and especially from their parents or first caregivers, and if my love or my words in any way can ease that, heal something, or shed light, then that is a part of why I write. If not, then at least I listened to my inner voice and did what I wanted to do today, which was to write! 😊 It felt good to write, to share and reflect. Just for me. And that’s enough and that’s ok.

As always, thank you for reading <3!