#being on the bigger side myself. hopefully my response accurately understood what you were hoping to convey

[aroace-ventplace]

I see other aspecs complaining about fighting off this and that suitor or having to turn down friends, and it makes me so glad I'm unattractive and give off "fuck off" vibes. But it makes me react extreme whenever I see someone, especially fat positivity, saying anything along the lines of "everyone's beautiful :)" skill issue, shut the hell up. I neither am nor want to be beautiful and my issues with my weight have nothing to do with attractiveness and everything to do with wanting to be able to have my ankles not hurt. The only positive thing about my fat is people think I'm ugly and leave me alone, don't try to take that away from me cause your self esteem entirely depends on people wanting to fuck you, and learn that beauty doesn't matter in the first place instead of trying to apply it to everyone. Same with people who say "I love you and yes i mean it even if you're a stranger" like I didn't fucking ask and I don't fucking want it. No you don't and if you do your definition is too broad and you don't actually care about me clearly. The one think I learned from being aroace is that if people geenerally consider a concept good or positive then they assume everyone should want it and be thankful for it or they're just being a pessimistic contrarian rather than actually god damn feeling that way.

oh man i do get annoyed when people try to Do An Activism by saying shit like "don't worry! everyone in x group is [insert characteristic that op assumes is universally desired]! even you!!!" like, i know they have good intentions, but statements like that only reinforce the idea that x characteristic is a legitimate measure of worth, and implicitly condemn anyone who voluntarily or involuntarily doesn't identify with that trait

specific examples from my own communities: trans spaces telling trans people they're fuckable, autistic spaces telling autistic people they're smart, aspec spaces telling aspecs that they can still love/be loved. like... i understand why people want to reverse stereotypes and affirm their community's access to traits they have historically been denied. i do get it. but those statements still imply that someone who ISN'T fuckable and smart and full of love is a lesser person for it, and they alienate the people who would prefer to opt out of those systems of value completely. like obviously i'm not gonna start shit on some stranger's positivity post, but i AM gonna scroll away and feel a little annoyed at the 42069th post sexualizing trans bodies or telling aros they can love their friends or whatever, lmao

[werewolfdays]

I thought I lost you kisses with Nadya and Jade

Did you mean some hurt and comfort with a side of I thought I lost you kisses...? Cause that’s what I ended up writing. -

A popping noise sounded, followed by a sharp, pained yelp that cut through the air, making me snap my head in the direction that it came from. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the hunter closest to Jayde’s wolf form lower his rifle, that he had obviously just fired at her, and slammed the butt of it into her head. The white wolf fell to the ground unmoving, which was already a terrifying sight on its own, but then the hunter abandoned his strange looking rifle to unsheathe a silver knife from his belt. I was already running to them as he knelt down and raised his blade to finish her off. 

I’ve already killed for Jayde once before and wasn’t eager to do so again, but if he gave me no other choice, I knew I couldn’t hesitate. “Stop!” I shouted once I was in front of them, summoning as much power into my voice as possible and raising my gun. I fired it once above his head as a warning and that thankfully got him to freeze. “Get away from her!” 

The hunter fixed me with a patronizing stare similar to the first hunter I shot, and he shook his head at me, “Do you know what you’re doing with that thing?”

“Drop the knife and go.” I told him firmly, adjusting my aim down to his chest, “You don’t have to die today, I just want you to leave her alone.” 

“That’s not how this works, girlie.” he replied with a sickening smile, “See, I’m the dog catcher and this is the problem mutt. I promise to be humane, if that’ll make you feel better.” Then he glanced down at Jayde and raised his eyebrows, “She might be on her way out anyway.” 

I tried to ignore his words and the fact that I haven’t seen Jayde move at all since she fell. She’s only unconscious. I thought to myself. Nothing you won’t be able to fix. “I’m not going to tell you again. Go away.”  

I saw a black shape slowly moving behind our enemy while he laughed at me. Toby. His black wolf form was stalking the hunter, looking for the right moment to pounce. I just needed to keep him distracted.

“I’ve killed one of you people before.” I said threateningly. “I know what it’s like to pull the trigger. You really think I won't do it again?” 

Just a few more feet and Toby will be in the perfect position. 

“I can see in your eyes that you’re not a killer.” the hunter sounded so sure of himself, “You aren’t even a fighter.” 

“Drop the knife.” I commanded slowly. 

Toby was so close.

“Drop the gun.” he countered.

I made eye contact with Toby and then met the hunter’s gaze once more, “Okay,” I lowered my arms. 

Just as the hunter smiled triumphantly and started to bring his knife down on Jayde, Toby shot forward and clamped his jaws down on the back of his neck, yanking him back and away from me and Jayde. I immediately rushed to her still form, trying not to listen to the sounds of the dying man while Toby tore into him. 

The first thing I noticed on Jayde’s body was something sticking out of her shoulder. It looked like a dart of some kind and when I pulled it out, I realized it was a syringe that had clearly injected her with an unknown substance. Hopefully just a sedative and not a poison. Though the hunter’s comment made me fear the latter. There weren’t any other injuries on her that I could see besides a gash under her eye where she had been hit with the rifle, so I tried to check her pulse, but her fur was too thick for me to find it. 

I bent down and set my ear to her chest, her fur tickling my face, and listened as intently as I could, though the frantic beating of my own heart made it difficult. What if it was a poison? What if she was already gone? No, I won’t accept that. I shut my eyes tightly and forced myself to focus, her life could depend on me right now. A faint, but unmistakable thump echoed in her chest, causing me to sigh in relief. But that only confirmed that she was still alive, there could be an even bigger issue with whatever was running through her veins right now. 

“Jay,” I urged after I sat back up and gently shook her, trying my best to rouse her. There was no response. “Jay, can you hear me? I need you to wake up.” I shook her again. Still nothing. Not even a twitch. 

My drumming heart started to carry panic throughout my body. I barely noticed that Skye had arrived and picked up the empty syringe dart from the ground where I threw it aside. She sniffed it and balked in disgust, dropping it like it had burned her. “Fucking shit.” she cursed under her breath. 

“What is it?” I asked, terrified of the answer, but hoping that it was something within my abilities to remedy, “Why isn’t she waking up?”

“It’s that liquid silver shit I told you about.” She answered bitterly and crushed the dart under her shoe. Toby came over and sniffed the remains of it on the ground, snorting and shaking his muzzle in disgust, reaffirming what Skye said. “Guess they’re distributing it to hunters now.”  

I recalled what she was referring to. Skye once mentioned that one of the weapons that was tested on Jayde during her captivity was a liquid concoction that had silver in it. The intention was to find the right amount to incapacitate a werewolf, but too much of it was fatal and may have even been what killed their mother. My anxiety skyrocketed with this revelation. If the dose was too high, Jayde won’t survive.  

My hands grabbed fistfuls of Jayde’s white fur, silently willing her to have the strength to get through this, “Is there anything- anything at all that can counteract the effects of silver?” 

Skye stared at her older sister with a mixture of fear and sorrow and shook her head, “No.” 

“Then we just have to wait?” I asked incredulously. “Wait for it to pass or wait for her to...” the unbearably cold shiver that went up my spine stopped me from finishing the sentence.  

“Nadya, I don’t know.” Skye said hopelessly, “I think that’s all we can do.” 

I groaned in frustration, feeling nausea creep up on me at the prospect. I wasn’t used to this, being unable to do anything while someone I love suffers. Feeling useless. It made me want to scream. “We have to get her out of here. Somewhere safe.” 

Skye, and Toby after he shifted back, helped get Jayde in the backseat of the car. Her massive wolf form was almost too big to fit in the back with me, even with her head in my lap. I kept checking if she was breathing and if her heart was still beating every few minutes because it was so faint that I was terrified of her going in my arms any second. My hand constantly brushed through her fur soothingly, hoping that she would just wake up and reassure me. I didn’t know how I could endure losing her again. Maybe I’ve already lost her…

“I need you to fight this, Jay.” I said to her quietly, “Just stay with me.” 

It took some skill, but we managed to sneak Jayde into the motel room we rented for the night unseen. Someone spotting us moving a big white wolf inside of a room would’ve raised some unwanted attention, even in the seedy part of town we were in. 

Hours passed and Jayde was still unconscious in her wolf form. I thought maybe she would shift back in her sleep, she’s done that sometimes, but it was like she wasn’t even there at all. The only movement I’ve seen was her chest rising and falling in slow breaths. 

I watched her lying on the bed carefully, pacing back and forth while Toby and Skye took turns getting rest and keeping watch. I suppose it would be more accurate to say that they were watching Jayde with the same level of anxiety that I was rather than actually getting any sleep. None of us knew if she would pull through. 

At around two in the morning, when I was sitting in a chair by the bed and fighting my own exhaustion, I noticed her body jerk. I sat up, suddenly wide awake and waited in case I imagined it. Another jolt went through her, drawing Toby’s attention away from the window. Skye hadn’t noticed yet, she had slumped in the lounge chair across the room, staring up at the ceiling and lost in thought. 

“Jayde?” I asked softly while standing up, wanting nothing more than to see her head perk up at me. 

I went to reach for her, but then Toby yelled, “Nadya!” and pulled me back just as Jayde snarled and turned into a writhing white blur. 

One moment she was on the bed and the next she had flung herself off of it, crashing into the nightstand and smashing it to pieces like it was nothing. Skye was next to us in a second flat, using her body to shield me just like Toby was, blocking most of my view of Jayde. All I could make out was a glimpse of heaving white fur from her labored breaths and then another slamming sound. I guessed she had thrown herself against the wall in the far corner of the motel room. 

“Jayde, you gotta relax.” Skye said carefully, but the wolf only started to growl furiously. 

I was still struggling with what exactly was happening, but then realized that Jayde was probably disoriented and in incredible pain. Maybe this even pushed her into an episode, making her relive the trauma she’s suffered. It made tears start to well in my eyes, both in frustration and heartbreak. What could I do to make this better? Was there anything I could do?

“Jayde, it’s us.” Toby chimed in carefully, still keeping me behind him. I understood that Jayde was being unpredictable and they just wanted to keep me safe, but I didn’t think she would hurt me. “We’re all here, we’re safe. You’re safe.” 

Jayde’s growls were still ferocious and warned everyone in the room to stay back. 

“Nadya’s here too, Jayde. She’s fine.” the growls quieted a fraction at my name and Skye motioned for me behind her back while keeping her gaze glued to the terrifying wolf, “Nadya, call to her.” 

“Jay?” I peeked my head out from behind Toby’s shoulder and Jayde’s golden eyes immediately landed on me. She was still growling and panting hard, looking like a cornered wild animal, but she clearly hesitated at the sight of me. That gave me enough courage to step out from behind Toby and Skye. “Jay, it’s me.” 

I kept my steps towards her slow and cautious, watching closely for any signs of an attack. Jayde remained where she was, watching me as intently as I was watching her, and I was encouraged when she stopped baring her fangs at me. Another inch closer and her growls began to dissipate. I started to breathe a little easier. She knew it was me. 

There was a bit of blood staining her white fur, probably from splintering the nightstand, and I also noted the large dent in the wall from her ramming into it. Hopefully nothing was broken. I knelt down before her and carefully extended my hand. It felt like the whole room held its breath. Maybe I had gotten this all wrong and she couldn’t see me. It would only take her believing I was a threat for one second to prompt an attack. 

“I’m right here,” I cooed, holding out my hand for her to inspect, “It’s me, Jayde.”

The white wolf had stopped growling all together now, but her breathing hadn’t slowed and her body visibly trembled. Still, she leaned forward and sniffed my hand. My scent must have finally confirmed who I was, because her ears flattened and her head bowed, exhaling a low whine of regret and pain. I released the breath I had been holding too and moved forward to wrap my arms around her, holding her and running a hand up and down her back to comfort her. 

“You’re gonna be okay, I’m here.” I promised and placed a kiss to the top of her head. She almost went limp in my arms, huffing and whimpering quietly. “You think you can get back on the bed?”

Once we helped her back into bed, I was surprised to see that she was actually shifting back. Looking at her in her human form didn’t reassure me that she was getting better. Her skin was pale and damp with sweat, making her hair stick to her gaunt face. I also noticed something peculiar besides the shallow scrapes and cuts from the nightstand. I quickly found my glasses to get a closer look. 

There was a discolored dot on the back of her shoulder where the dart had been stuck in her and dozens of thin tracks leading from it along her skin that looked like darkened veins. They spiderwebbed down her back and up her neck and I realized this is what the silver is doing to her. It must’ve felt like she was burning from the inside out. She was shivering almost violently, gripping the blankets and sheets in an iron fist. 

“Are you cold?” I asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. She nodded even though her skin was practically on fire. I wrapped her up in the covers and asked Skye or Toby to get some water before turning back to Jayde, “Do you know how long this will last?”

“Too fucking long.” she answered with a voice that shook as much as her body did. 

She was unfortunately right about that. It took hours of Jayde writhing in pain in the bed and me being completely powerless to stop it. It got so bad that my fear of losing her resurfaced. As a result, I was constantly checking in with her or reassuring her that she would be okay if she just hung tight and waited for the pain to pass. Surely this will pass?

Eventually Jayde fell into some kind of tortured sleep. The others resumed their routine watch, also keeping a close eye on her for any sign of improvement. I was completely spent and decided it couldn’t hurt to rest my head beside her on the bed and close my eyes for a few minutes.

I woke up to the sensation of someone running their hands through my hair and sunlight illuminating the entire room. There was no way to tell exactly how long I was out for, but the light told me it had to be around afternoon. My whole body was stiff thanks to my sleeping position and all the stress that knotted my muscles. I groaned and twisted my head to look for who was touching me. I remembered what happened as soon as I laid eyes on Jayde and suddenly sprung up in my seat. 

She was sitting up in bed, looking a lot better, albeit exhausted from everything she went through. She even had clothes on now and I could see under her open collar that the discolored veins on her neck were almost completely faded away. I was so consumed by relief and the weary smile she gave me, that I didn’t think twice about pitching forward and wrapping Jayde in a fierce hug. 

Despite still being weak, she eagerly returned the embrace, wrapping her arms around me in a silent plea to never let go. I had no desire to, burying my face in her neck to plant my lips on her recovering flesh and feel her warmth, which was now seemingly at its normal temperature instead of the boiling hot that it was at only hours earlier. 

Jayde simply pulled me into her lap so that there wasn’t any distance between us and I appreciated every bit of contact just a little more after being so scared that she was going to leave me again. 

“Are you okay?” I asked, my voice shaky and muffled against her skin. 

She nodded, “I’m gonna be, yeah.” 

I leaned back to cup her face and study her. Jayde looked like she had been through hell, but there was already a major improvement. Some color had returned to her cheeks and the gash under her eye from the rifle had already sealed up and bruised. The fact that she was smiling at me reassured me of her words as well. 

I couldn’t resist pressing my lips against hers in a desperate passion. The intensity that she returned my kiss with revived the warmth in my heart and banished my fears. Knowing that I came far too close to never feeling this again made me kiss her harder and deeper, until there wasn’t any composure to it at all. Only a need to feel her as fiercely as possible and remind myself that I hadn’t lost her. I ran my fingers through her hair, leaning into her more when her arms wrapped around my waist and her fingers brushed the skin just under my shirt, committing all of these sensations to memory. 

“I thought I was going to lose you again.” I mumbled against her mouth in between kisses, “There was nothing I could do, but watch you go through that and wonder if I was going to have to watch you die.”

Jayde shook her head, bringing a hand up to caress my cheek and trace my bottom lip with her thumb, “I’m okay,” she promised, kissing me again, delicately this time, “I’m not going anywhere.” 

I matched her soft and gentle cadence, letting her words comfort me. “I won’t lose you like that. Not ever again.” 

“You won’t.” Jayde agreed. 

“I love you, Jay.” I said, feeling increasingly breathless with every movement of her lips, “I love you so much.” 

She released a small gasp before replying with a distracted, “I love you too...” like she was in a flustered trance. 

Just then the door to the room opened and I heard a surprised squeak from Skye, who promptly pulled the door shut again, “Well, I’m glad Jayde’s feeling better, but did you guys have to mentally scar me?” she called through the door.

I felt embarrassed for having completely forgot that Skye and Toby were with us. I suppose I just got too caught up in the relief that Jayde was alive and recovering, “Sorry!” I replied and slipped off a chuckling Jayde. 

Skye came back into the room with her hand covering her eyes, “Is it safe?”

“Yes.” 

My answer was immediately followed by Jayde saying, “Or maybe not, you willing to gamble?”

“Jay,” I scolded through a giggle and got off the bed. 

“I just wanted to let you guys know that we have to check out or pay for another night.” Skye said with her eyes still covered. 

“Okay,” Jayde started to slowly get off the bed and I reached out to help her. She was wobbling a bit on her feet, but I was encouraged by the fact that she could stand at all, “We should get going anyway.” 

“Cool, I’ll meet you guys in the car.” the younger blonde stated quickly and backed out of the room. 

I shared an amused look with Jayde and we moved to follow Skye out of the motel room.