#being on summer holidays at home alone with internet access means i spend way too much time reading

[almosttenaciousmoon]

my roman empire is all the women who were wronged by history, throughout history

every woman disregarded and discarded for not 'performing their duties'

all the lovers who were never allowed to show their love, never allowed the time to enjoy their connection in ways that fulfilled them

[nacrepearl]

This anniversary, I wanted to pay tribute to the show by redrawing my favorite SDCC poster. With a few changes. It’s been 3 years since this poster came out on the internet, but it’s the poster for the first SDCC I experienced in this fandom. Below the cut is me being sentimental because I really love this show and its impact on my life is greater than one would think.

March 26th, 2015. I decide to watch Steven Universe after seeing gifsets of the first Stevenbomb on my dash from lingering members of the people who worked on my previous hyperfixation Attack on Space (A spinoff AU from the parent series Attack on Titan, which my interest in was fading quickly). I opt to watch the episodes that are on demand because they’re easier to access. I watch Alone Together first, Full Disclosure second (actual quote from me, who hadn’t known about SU’s musical nature: “Since when is SU a musical?!”). I then spend the next week or two watching the episodes on demand, then going onto KissCartoon to watch the series in order, in its entirety. (Quote when watching S1E05 Frybo: “I’m glad I’m watching these now before this inevitably becomes my new hyperfixation.” I have second hand embarrassment moments from this episode to this day). My brother decides to watch with me occasionally.

Fast forward to the end of March. I’m caught up with the series (back then only up to Joy Ride, which aired the day I began this journey). My friend Zac and I are now both into the show, and the following week Attack the Light comes out the same day that Say Uncle airs. Say Uncle is the first episode I watch live. I download ATL and finish it within a week. The rest of the weekly episodes (you heard me: weekly) were to follow and I was excited to officially be involved in the fandom. The beginning of April, I found the comics and I got to issue #5, the one where Pearl sucks in a gem-embedded book into her own gem and becomes ill from it. that was the day that I realized Pearl was my favorite character. Hurt/comfort is my way to tell.

I carry on watching the episodes throughout the month, and then after Reformed airs, we are faced with a hiatus. back then, a month and a half was a long time. Then, I got into the Pearl theories. I was all over the so called “nacre theory” right up until the theory had been confirmed in Back to the Barn (I still am, though the term “nacre theory” takes on a whole new meaning that I’m not sure will see the light of day now that we know more about Homeworld). You should have seen me go ham reblogging things about Pearl being lower-class, a lowly technician (ha), a maintenance drone. And all Pearls looked exactly the same back then in the fanart.

May 26th they announced the second Stevenbomb, half the fandom combusted. So did I. Sworn to the Sword happened and I had more fuel for the NT. I woke up that Thursday morning to a gifset of Pearl and Rose’s fusion dance because We Need to Talk leaked and spontaneously combusted right there. Then they announced Week of Sardonyx and our naive selves said “another one?” I went camping that weekend, which was also the weekend of SDCC. I nearly had a heart attack from my over-excitement when I got home that Sunday.

Week of Sardonyx came and went, with even more fuel to the fire for the NT. Cartoon Network does their greatest fuckup of the year by accidentally putting all of the Summer of Steven episode titles a whole year before they air. They changed the release date for the weekly episodes from August 6th to September 10th, and then we were graced by small Peridot on September 24th.

Back to the Barn airs. I die.

Then we go into a very long hiatus until Stevenbomb 4, airing in January 2016. This marks the first epsiodes to be leaked with the traditional screenshots + 2 minute clip. This was our first look at both diamonds + their pearls, and people were reasonably excited. Then we entered what we thought was the longest hiatus in fandom history–and we got the In Too Deep special earlier than expected.

Following the special, they announced the Steven Nuke/Summer of Steven. 4 weeks of episodes every night from mid-July to mid-August. Mr. Greg was the first musical episode and the crew hyped it up so much and yet it still had a huge impact on those watching that night. It was nominated for an Emmy one year later in 2017. We got some of the most intense episodes of the show in that bomb, with Amethyst’s arc, Bismuth holding the first half-hour special, the revelation that Rose supposedly shattered Pink Diamond, and Centipeetle’s corruption being explained further. Following SOS, there were weekly episodes and then another short hiatus, until Gem Harvest’s release in November. A short hiatus and then Three Gems and a Baby aired in early December.

During 2016, I meet two of my best friends through the fandom - @always-make-it-gayer and @hackerperidot. Gale and J have been my friends since that summer and because of this fandom, I’ve been less lonely and have had a blast in the ever growing group chat we have (Reverse Garden of Eden). I love you guys, and of course everyone else in the chat.

Following 3GAAB, in early January 2017, the entirety of Stevenbomb 5 drops on the app. Pictures with the diamonds and the zoo and the famethyst were on the internet in seconds. I had been on holiday break from school, and the night this all dropped was the first school night when the break was over. I stayed up very late, watched the episodes when I woke up for school in the morning, and listened to What’s the Use of Feeling Blue on repeat in the cold, snowy weeks to come. This was also right around the time my mom bought a house and we were ready to move in.

I got another birthday episode–Rocknaldo, airing on February 24th. Could’ve been better. I’m not complaining though. SU was crucial during this time because I was feeling very depressed and closed off due to the move and missing the apartment. The New Crystal Gems was the last episode the apartment got to see, and I promised to show Pearl’s backstory when it eventually aired, but we moved too early for that to happen. I like to imagine it can see my journal entries (you can ask if you want, in short it’s a coping mechanism I developed). Thereafter, we had another hiatus leading up to the sixth Stevenbomb with Aquamarine and Topaz. That bomb ended with the saddest episode in the series, finalizing season 4. Then the Wanted event aired, and we got so much lore content and more hints to the Pink Diamond mystery.

There came the biggest hiatus in the fandom’s history to this day. We were so thirsty for content. It was dry as fuck and the only light in the dark was SDCC with the Lars of the Stars clip (which would then air months later) and the trailer for the first half of season 5′s kickoff bomb.

Gemcation airs, and everyone finally understands Pearl’s quirk with covering her mouth in discussions about the diamonds. We all were getting so antsy at this point to find out what was happening with Pink Diamond and the lore behind the show and by god where is White Diamond?

We get Stranded in January 2018, allowing us to spark the “diamonds get revealed in January” meme with the Pink Diamond face reveal. Of course, this is debunked by Legs From Here To Homeworld in July 2018.

We get more episodes in March, and then are plunged into the final reveal in May with the half hour event, Can’t Go Back and A Single Pale Rose. The fandom collectively freaked out with the revelation that Pearl and Rose were diamond and pearl and faked the shattering in an effort to end the war. The people who survived this saw the Heart of the Crystal Gems arc in July. This was the week that held the Rupphire wedding.

Reunited airs, and I am surrounded by 3 of my best friends ( @asassynerdnamedgabbs, @neroblackcat, and @hackerperidot who had been visiting New York from Australia that week ) so I hold myself back from reacting too much. I cried that night out of sheer joy that my favorite show was the first cartoon to show a lesbian wedding on national TV. Of course, we get the diamonds and then SDCC the following weeks, with Legs From Here to Homeworld. I am at my cousin’s graduation party the day of the panel and my phone is slowly losing battery percentage as I try to keep up with the tweets and posts about what was going on. It was a huge deal.

Now we arrive here. Nothing had been shown at last month’s NYCC which is unusual, but that’s okay. We are still on hiatus, and it is SU’s 5th anniversary of being on the air. I am patiently waiting for the show to come back, and I’ll have more memories to make with this fandom in the months to come.

Happy Anniversary, SU!

[advrik]

A Farmer’s Recollection ~ Harvest Moon 20th Anniversary Celebration :: Part 3 [2000]

If you’d like to read the previous two parts, you can find them below: Part 1 | Part 2

Man it has been a trip writing up these recollections thus far. Digging up a bunch of memories that I hadn’t thought about in years. Good times, and the best hasn’t even come. The year of 2000 for me was probably my favorite year of all time as I have so many memories looking back at it and so many great things happened. 

It was also the year that my all-time favorite Harvest Moon game was released.

Spring 2000

Life was great. I was 12-years old, full of energy and living life by the second. I had a brand new camcorder, a copy of Harvest Moon 64 and I... was sharing a room with my 3 siblings. Granted it was the largest room in the house by far and we kept it divided up between the boys and girls but I was still lacking my own space. 

What little I could call my own was atop the brand new set of bunkbeds that our parents bought for us with their tax refund. They were made of metal and were pipe-based; The posts that made up the head and foot boards were capped off by little plastic caps that you could remove, granting you access to the inside which was wide enough to stick your arm down, so naturally I used this as a place to store things. Cramming an old shirt halfway down to create shelf of sorts, I began storing candy and other junk down there. I ended up stuff

At one point, there was travel ban between the four of us. We were restricting each other from venturing onto our beds. This came after I tried building a bridge between two ofthe beds. Obviously not my best idea.

My adventures in Harvest Moon 64 continued on. I was now at that point where I was done with the story and just hammering away at making a really nice looking farm and collecting recipes. But even though I had only owned Harvest Moon 64 for just a month, I was already beginning to feel the hype for an upcoming release that recently had made its presence known.

We were getting Harvest Moon on Playstation!!!

Though news was scarce and only a few screenshots were available at the time, I still remember how excited I was over this. I loved my Nintendo 64 sure, but my console of choice for that generation was the Playstation as it was where all the RPGs were. 

The two earliest screenshots released for the game were these below (Courtesy of HMFarm.com)

The boat screenshot in particular filled my mind with wonders and excitement; Were we going to be able to travel to the city at long last? Could we take it out and fish for deep sea fish? WHAT COULD IT MEAN???

I discussed the game and what new features it could bring to the table extensively with my sister. I say extensively, but she wasn’t nearly as interested in the games as I was.  One such subject I brought up - and I have this on tape even - was my hope for a butcher system where you could send your livestock off to have them turned into meat products that you could cook with. An idea that I just up until last year thought I’d get with Stardew Valley, but that’s not important right now.

Aboard the hype train, but considerably way more sane in how I was going about it. Partly in thanks to having just bought Harvest Moon 64 fairly recently. That, couple with everything else that was going to be coming out that year really helped.

Summer 2000

More and more info trickled out about the game over the coming months. Things like how it used the same characters from Harvest Moon 64, but changed their personalities around/who they were related to/what they did. The legendary fish, asking Harvest Sprites for help. All of it just sounded so cool, but nothing as cool as the new cooking system that was being implemented. No longer were the recipes that you earned from villagers just collectables. You could cook now, using various ingredients and utensils. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. 

It’s a huge shame that the cooking system would get progressively worse as the series went on, like many of the elements that made the series great. It has been slowly approaching dating sim levels with tacked on watered down farming systems.

I had such a blast through the summer of 2000. I would spend my days either hammering away with Harvest Moon 64, even going back to Harvest Moon GB for another playthrough. 

The music on the radio at the time was phenomenal and still something I listen to this very day, in my very own “Greatest Hits” collection called Definitive 2000, which currently boasts over 150+ songs; ranging to everything from NSync and Beastie Boys to Creedence Clearwater Revival and Saliva. It took years to build, but it fills me with incredible nostalgia every time I listen to it. Now I bet you’re wondering though why the likes of CCR would be a thing on the radio in 2000, well I’ll tell you: I wasn’t overly picky about what I’d listen to and I developed an ear for golden oldies thanks to my father, so I enjoyed listening to the older stuff as much as I did the modern hits. And yes, there’s a video game music folder too.

Pokemon was its peak, with the first movie hitting VHS earlier that year and the second movie featuring brand new Gen 2 Pokemon set to hit theaters that summer and the new installments in the games - Pokemon Gold and Silver Versions - later that year. 

Pokemon wasn’t the only ‘Mon on the street that year. Digimon had aired the previous August on Fox Kids, and it had gained enough steam to warrant a whole slew of toys, clothing items and cards. There was even a video game at the time: Digimon World on the Playstation. And in October of 2000, it was receiving its first movie, which was super cool. I enjoyed the Digimon anime far more than I ever did Pokemon’s, and with Digimon 02 starting that August - nearly a year after the series initially aired in the US - it was a good time to be a fan of little collectible monsters.

RIP Monster Rancher.

Another great event that happened that year was that we got an actual Japanese Godzilla movie in theaters, nationwide! It was the first time I had ever seen Godzilla on the big screen(not counting GODZILLA from 1998, which wasn’t the REAL Godzilla). I had been a Godzilla fan all my life, so that was some wild stuff seeing him on a huge theater screen after so long. I was mesmerized from start to finish. That night, after we got home from the theater we did some night swimming in our pool and recreated scenes from the movie with my nephew and sister.

Holiday Season 2000

Unlike with the previous release, I was more versed and knowledgeable on the gaming industry and was keeping up on release dates and whatnot. I guess in a way, this was also the year that gaming really became something for me that would amount to more than just a simple pass time. 

The month of November that year was pretty hype. Final Fantasy IX was launching early in the month and I already had that on my Christmas list to Santa, in addition to Resident Evil 2 and 3. I had in my possession  $60 from my grandmother which she gave use each year to pick something out for Christmas, which would then go under the tree - wrapped up - and not be touched until Christmas Eve.

Each trip out to Wal-Mart and K-Mart ended much in the same way as the trips for Harvest Moon 64. Finally, after a few failed attempts and locating it in stores, my father finally caved in and we made our first online purchase ever in the two years since we obtained a PC and the internet, and it was for Harvest Moon: Back to Nature. I mean, there could have been worse things that could have had as first purchases, am I right?

And so the great wait began once more. The game was in my possession in a way, but I had no patience in waiting for it to be delivered. Every day was grueling. I’d sit by and wait for the mail to come, watching the mail man or lady reach their hand out to the mailbox to place mail inside and hoping that within their grasp would be a small box or envelope.

Weekends devolved into me sitting in my room, on my bed, complaining and listening to music. I could only assume that it was the holiday season that was holding up the delivery as mail was quite frantic that time of the year and delays happened, but knowing that did not help me. I was impatient and wanted my game NOW, knowing that I couldn’t actually HAVE it once it did arrive because it had to be wrapped up and placed under the Christmas tree.

On a following trip to Wal-Mart one night, we walked back to the video games once again and guess what? It was there. Wal-Mart had actually stocked Harvest Moon: Back to Nature. But that wasn’t all they had, oh no! They also had Harvest Moon GBC2 as well. To say that I felt disappointed would be an understatement. I was crushed, knowing they had actually stocked it while I was waiting for MY copy to come in the mail, now a week and a half out since placing the order. The rest of that night was miserable.

It wasn’t until the first week of December. Nearly three weeks since placing the order, that my beautiful baby arrived in the mail. I was playing a rental copy of Majora’s Mask at the time (and failing miserably at it). It was the most beautiful thing, in its pristine jewel case beneath the cellophane wrapping. The beautiful booklet slash cover art screamed “Intense farming action” to the now 13 year old me as of the previous September. I begged and begged if I could just demo it slightly for that night and that night alone before wrapping it. I wanted to see what it played like, what the music was like and how the cooking system worked.

And do you know what I did after my mother caved and let me try it? I fired up my Gameshark with an unlimited money code and I CHEATED. It was the only way I was going to be able to experience what I wanted to experience within the short amount of time I was alloted. I achieved it too, upgrading my house and nabbing a few utensils in order to do some cooking. It was amazing two hours, and I almost missed dinner over it, but I eventually caved and wrapped the game up and placed it under the tree, which sat in the corner of the den beside the big TV.

The remainder of the month was delightful. I discovered Green Day as a new musical interest with the premiere of their ‘Minority’ music video. Outlaw Star began airing on Cartoon Network towards the end of the month, a show that would go on to become my all-time favorite. Towards Christmas we even got some snow, which was cool. That didn’t and still does not happen very often.

December 24th arrived and I spent the morning preparing for my oldest sister and my nephew to visit. Planning to roleplay some Dragon Ball Z and whatnot and show him the newest Harvest Moon game. 

Christmas day finally came and I was treated to a bunch of nice gifts. Including some more blank VHS tapes for my camcorder, Resident Evil 2 and 3. Some more Dragon Ball Z stuff, and of course, Final Fantasy IX. Even got the new Green Day album and a portable CD player! Sadly the fun and excitement of Christmas morning was cut short, as during the opening segment of Final Fantasy IX, I developed a killer migraine that put me out of commission for much of the day.

Once I recovered, I was up to my neck in RPG and farming goodness. An awesome year was topped off by an awesome Christmas. Final Fantasy IX, Harvest Moon, Outlaw Star, good music. Not to mention the awesome roast beef Christmas dinner my mother made that night.

And so concludes part 3 of my little trip into the past. Expect two more parts throughout the year, in slightly less detail. After Back to Nature, things started getting spotty with what I bought and played, even going for several years without picking up a single game. 

Thanks for reading!

[gardnerkathryn1993]

Kong Catnip Spray Amazon Astounding Cool Tips

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They are easy meat.As a cat and can fall pregnant quite young, but this is more frustrating than watching your cat doesn't know that scratching and shredding your sofa, the legs and use a squirt bottle.The cat will act as a precautionary measure?In springtime and in households with more than one.Now many people have been taking care of our animals and broadly speaking you don't like, and you must have a whole roll to get most, if not daily basis.From a cat's claw is amputated up to 30 days.

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How To Get My Cat To Quit Peeing In The House

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6 Month Old Cat Peeing On Bed

Affected cats are not hard to destroy low-growing plants and knock things off counters, tables and other ear related issues for dogs as a form of exercise and weight loss means that you can definitely smell it.Taking the time and a cream rinse after shampooing.This article examines 3 common cat illness.This method is that it helps keep their muscles as the body needs some time and routine into your choice to heart.Busy roads claim many victims, and there's the biological instinct to breed in all shapes and sizes these days.

In summer, she was afraid to let them roam around outside looking for a rest.Cat problems usually include symptoms such as the primary host of potentially serious diseases.Just so they also make your own cat's hair, be sure to use an aural scope to look at your budget and see what works when thinking about 3 days at a time of the houseCovered boxes will scoop the cat is spraying inside the litter box or can't easily access it, she probably won't use a garden or crops.If your cat has free reign of your problem.

[ecotone99]

I Talked to My Brother [RF]

Levi was finally home for Thanksgiving break. He hadn’t seen his family in three months, since he returned to school on the other side of the country, so was desperate to spend one-on-one time with each of them.

FaceTime was cool, and chatting on the phone was fine, but neither afforded the same solace of knowing with certainty that you are alone with someone. Anyone could walk past or be just out of frame when communicating virtually. Now that Levi was home, he could have conversations in which he could see body language, read silences, and listen for footsteps or creaking floorboards in adjacent rooms.

There are also certain topics it’s just easier to discuss in person. For that, Levi was exceedingly grateful, because, for the most part, they were topics he had no interest in. Things like his parents bothering him about career plans after he graduates and where he’ll live, or his brothers asking about his girlfriend Stella and whether or not she spends the night at his place. All kinds of things he’d rather be left unsaid.

But Levi was the oldest of five brothers, and like it or not, his siblings had a laundry list of burning questions for him that they rarely had the opportunity to launch into on the phone. He was the oldest by a wide margin, all the others were still in grade school.

The youngest, Kyle, was only five. The second youngest, Silas, just seven. The second oldest, Tyson, was growing into his own at ten years old, but still firmly planted in childhood’s soil. Reese was twelve, almost thirteen years old, so the oldest, and straddling the line somewhere between boy and man. Reese looked up to Levi like he was the sky.

Reese was the only one of the boys with his own cellphone, so the only one privileged to daily conversations with their brother. Levi made a point to call him every single day after he moved away. The first time they had a big fight and Reese stopped picking up his calls, Levi texted threatening to fly home to reconcile with him. Due to the age discrepancy, Levi served as somewhat of a second father figure for the boys, even though he was still a boy himself in more ways than one.

Ironically, despite having two dads, Levi grew up without much of a male presence. His biological father was absent, and his stepfather was deeply troubled. This left him simultaneously unprepared and unshakably determined to be a healthy role model for his brothers, ending that cycle in its tracks. He knew what he didn’t know, but he figured these kids were better off taking advice from a good guy guessing his way through life than a bad guy who knew what he was doing.

As he settled in from the flight home that holiday, he could already see piles of food in iridescent disposable containers piled high on every available surface in the kitchen. “Great, I’m starving!” He rejoiced as he reached for a platter of warm turkey legs. “Hey, hey, leave it. This is all for the church.” Helen, the boys’ mother, chided, swatting his hand away. “I’m cooking ours up tomorrow.”

Levi sighed and resigned himself to some cold leftover franks and beans in the fridge as he eyed the abundant piles of Thanksgiving fixings with envy. But, as he reminded himself it was for the homeless, he recalibrated his jealousy to an appropriate level.

He wondered where Reese was. He’d been home since late last night and barely seen him. Usually his brothers shadowed him from the moment he walked in the door, right up until he walked back into the airport, ever since he started spending most of the year away at school.

With his mom busy cooking and his brothers nowhere to be found, he headed back upstairs to call his girlfriend Stella and find out about how her trip home was going.

He didn’t make it more than two paces up the stairs before he heard Matt, his stepdad, screaming for him from two beers deep at eleven in the morning: “Lee! Get down here. Need you.” He was reluctant to indulge the request, but instinct told him it wasn’t really a request.

He dragged himself to the den and nodded, trying to look unassuming. “Where’s Reese?” Matt demanded, not taking his eyes away from the TV. “Don’t know,” Levi replied, figuring the less he said the less could be used against him. “Reeeeeeeeeese!” Matt hollered from his chair. Silence. “Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese?!” Matt bellowed again, opening a third can. Silence.

“Guess he’s out.” Levi reasoned. “Well, when he gets back, the two of you come in here.” Matt directed. “Yes Sir.” Levi reassured him, dipping out as fast as he could manage. He turned back towards the kitchen. “Hey, Mom, where’s Kyle, Silas and Tyson?” “Playing at the neighbors, I think. Why, you want me to get them—” “No, no.” Levi cut her off, relieved everyone was out until Matt’s mood passed. He left Helen to do her cooking and crept back up the stairs to try Stella again.

As he passed Reese’s bedroom, he saw him sprawled out on the floor with a comic book. “Hey!” Levi exclaimed, standing in the doorframe. “What?” Reese asked, not looking up either. “Didn’t you hear Dad calling you from downstairs?” “Yah.” Reese said, turning a page.

“If Dad knew you were here that whole time, he’d whoop you.” Levi reminded him. Reese closed the comic and looked him the eye. “Well then he better not find out I was here, right?” Reese replied, raising an eyebrow as he tried to discern whether Levi was warning or threatening him.

“Yah, damn straight. We should get out of here for a couple hours. At least.” Levi cautioned. Reese shoved a couple things in his pockets and followed Levi carefully down the stairs. Reese dashed through the front door without a coat, so Levi risked discovery to return and grab him one. The Montana November had been pleasantly forgiving, rarely dropping past the low 50s, but it still required a layer of protection to be pleasant.

They pulled their coats closer and crunched the carpet of dead leaves underneath their feet as they made their way down the back-access road. Nobody ever went down that way, and cars couldn’t drive on it, so they’d retain their head start no matter what. The brothers walked to the tune of their own thoughts for somewhere between fifteen and thirty minutes before Levi finally pierced the silence.

“Hey, so, look. I know it’s been a hard time back here with Dad losing his job and everything. So I just want you to know it’s ok to still have your own problems and priorities that have nothing to do with that. Just because there’s something big going on in everyone’s life doesn’t mean the small things going on in your life don’t matter.”

Reese kicked a stone a few paces down the road as he digested this, before finally returning, “I miss when we just talked about sports and whatever was on TV.”

Levi sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, bracing against a gust of wind. “You were younger then. You notice more now. You’re older and more mature and we can be more direct about things. We have to be.” Levi said this with familial drama in mind. Things like their parents’ marriage, the family’s financial situation, and the burden Reese was now facing as the oldest child in the home. He wasn’t expecting what Reese said instead.

“Ok, then, uh… Can I ask you something about sex?” Levi almost tripped over his own feet. Not because he found the topic particularly awkward, he actually had no problem talking openly about sex to a certain extent, but because in his eyes this was a little boy who plays with trains and drinks juice from a straw. Not an adolescent young man with those questions.

Levi knew from his own childhood that due to his family’s religious persuasions and the state’s lack of public education budget, Reese would almost certainly get no sex ed. So, as rapidly as his head was still spinning, he said, “Sure. Ask away.” He just hoped he wasn’t coming off as nervous as he was. The last thing he wanted was to impart his hang-ups about sex onto anyone else.

“So, you’ve had a lot of sex, right? Like, you basically know everything there is to know?” Levi was about to laugh, but he caught himself, as it hit him that Reese was serious. Levi was a junior in college who’d just lost his virginity the previous summer, to his current girlfriend. He was flattered that anyone, let alone his brother, would ever think of him as someone who “basically knows everything” about sex. It was sweet, but also a striking condemnation of how little the poor kid truly understood.

Levi knew he should correct Reese and explain that, in the grand scheme of things, he was still pretty inexperienced. But he liked the idea of being the guy who “basically knows everything there is to know,” too much to speak up. “Yep, mhmm.” Levi nodded.

“Great.” Reese exhaled a sigh of relief. “So, ok, it’s basically…” Reese fiddled with the tails of his overshirt. “Bro, there’s nothing you’re going to say that’ll shock me.” Levi reassured him, without a hint of macho posturing. After all, he was almost a decade older. “Ok, so.. Just, like, I guess…” Reese turned towards the ground as his cheeks flared red.

Levi wanted to say more, but remembered being Reese’s age with enough clarity to understand that he could say the most by staying quiet. “I guess, just… Yah, I mean, you know, based on your experiences and everything… Is the stuff on the internet, like, how similar is it to the real thing, you know?”

Levi felt a constellation of mixed emotions wash over him as he was placed in a position of authority by being tasked with answering the question while simultaneously realizing he himself was desperately wondering the same thing under six months ago. He thought Reese’s question was so innocent, but too far ahead of his time, comparatively speaking. He liked being the cool and knowledgeable older brother who had the answer to this question, but was haunted by the reality that had it come just a bit sooner, he’d have been at a complete loss.

Levi had been through enough to learn that you can’t waste life worrying about what could have happened, though, so soldiered on with trying to orient himself around the question. “It’s—It depends what you mean. Are you getting up to a lot of that stuff online Squish?” Levi asked, consciously trying to exstinguish the judgement from his tone.

When his mom and Matt had brought Reese back from the hospital, Levi hated him. He was convinced that the addition of a baby would solidify the completion of a separate family his mother was starting without him. He was just seven years old. Reese became the embodiment of all his worst fears, and for a while, he projected everything onto him. For the first few weeks, Levi wouldn’t even look at the baby. His parents even considered enrolling him in counseling, something unheard of in their slice of rural Montana.

But then baby Reese had been given a helmet to shape parts of his skull that hadn’t finished developing in the womb. Or, as it was explained to Levi, protect the baby’s head because it was “still too squishy.” Levi had only gotten closer to Reese ever since, only getting closer still, twelve years later. Who could be threatened by something that needs a foam hat to keep it’s head on straight?

The affectionate nickname, though it’s use was organic, just made the question harder for Reese to answer. “Well. Not all the time. Sometimes. Just, you know. Joel had some on his phone so then we were all looking at it and then later I decided maybe I wanted to look at some by myself and… Yah.”

Reese was a terrible liar. Besides the fact that he had all the textbooks tells, he always clasped his hands behind his back whenever he was lying. Levi didn’t want to inadvertently pressure him into talking about things he’d rather keep to himself, but they’d never made a habit of lying to each other before, and he wasn’t going to see it normalized in their dynamic now. “Hey, what you do or don’t do isn’t my business, but if we’re going to talk about it then you’ve got to be straight with me.” Levi insisted, catching his eye.

Reese unclasped his hands. A good sign. “I do watch it, ok! Don’t tell anyone.” Reese blurted out. “I don’t know it’s just, it’s fun, it’s easy, there’s so much of it.” Reese looked away again. “Don’t be mad.” Levi was completely unsure of how to handle this situation. But, at least, he knew how not to handle it. The very few conversations he had been a part of in church or school were really more lectures than conversations and all made him feel like touching himself was the worst thing he could do, second only to asking questions about it.

He didn’t want anyone else to fall prey to that train of thought if he could help it. “I’m not mad bro, it’s natural, it’s not anything you need to apologize for.” Levi said, slower their pace a few steps as Reese’s nervousness had practically pushed them to a jog. “It’s not good for you though.” Levi clarified.

As the words passed through his lips, he could see Reese retreating into himself. “I mean—not that it’s bad for you.” Levi backtracked, drawing him back in. “It’s like potato chips,” he continued.” “They’re not good for you, but they’re not bad for you either as long as you don’t eat too many.” He searched Reese’s expression for any signs of receptivity; nothing. Levi was well into ‘guessing his way through’ territory. The only they’d covered about pornography in church sex-ed besides being a sin, was that it could make you go blind.

“Potato chips have some good things in them. Potatoes are a plant that grow in the ground. There are nutrients in potatoes. We need calories to get through the day. So they’re not bad for you just on their own, but like with anything, too much is too much you know?” Levi said, running out of steam with the metaphor. “No, not at all.” Reese replied, beating himself up internally for being unable to follow along.

“So, it’s not… you know, like… legit? It’s not what it’ll really be like when it happens?” Reese asked again, using up his remain bit of courage. “That really depends Squish.” Levi replied, trying to think of a different metaphor. He decided he was far enough into the potato chips that he had to stick with it. “If you asked me whether or not salt and vinegar chips tasted like salt and vinegar, I’d probably say yah. If you asked me whether or not chicken and waffles chips taste like chicken and waffles, I’d probably say no. You know?” He said, not even sure he knew what he meant anymore.

“Lee, I think you’re reaching here.” Reese said, gently. He realized he needed to drop the metaphors. “Ok, so, without a metaphor, the answer is I can’t tell you unless I know exactly the kind you’re watching and I shouldn’t know that. That’s no one’s business but your significant other if you choose to share that stuff together.” Reese stared blankly, but intently, back at him as they walked. Levi realized he needed to offer more of an answer than “I can’t answer.”

“What I can tell you is most of it is just total, complete, utter bullshit. About as real as real as any Hollywood movie. Like in Hollywood, yes casinos exist and yes the CIA is real, but anything that happens after that’s established is probably complete fiction. In porn, yah, pizzas really can get delivered and sorority girls really do live together, but just about everything that happens after those elements are introduced probably don’t happen in real life. Even when it’s just two people at home, no crazy backstories, it’s probably still just giving you completely wrong information.” He finished, satisfied with the veracity of everything he’d come up with.

Reese looked disappointed, but not surprised. “Yah. So, you’re saying I probably just shouldn’t want it then, huh?” Levi knew what his mom would want him to say and what the pastor would want him to say. But he was primarily concerned with what his twelve-year-old self would want him to say.

“That’s not what I’m saying. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. That extends to all areas of your life, including your sex life. So, it really is just like potato chips.” “Levi can we stop with the metaphors,” Reese begged. “Trust me on this,” Levi said, thinking he’d managed to tie it all together pretty nicely, for someone improvising from scratch.

“If you’re watching it as part of a healthy sex life that involves dating and fantasies about regular girls, it’s a good thing. Yo, between you and me, it’s maybe the single greatest creation in the history of mankind. But if watching it is taking the place of pursuing actual girls you like and developing feelings for people in your real world, then it’s taking more from you than it’s giving. Some isn’t bad for you, some is fine. Too much isn’t. Ok?” Reese nodded.

They’d been so lost in conversation they’d managed to walk the whole loop and get within an eighth of a mile of the house again. “Thanks, Levi.” Reese said, without having to search for words for the first time since the topic arose. “Anytime. Seriously, Reese. Please come to me, your real, human, brother, before your idiot friends or Google, if you have questions about this stuff. Not because I know everything about anything. I really don’t know much about this stuff. But because I know a lot about you, where you’re at, where you’re coming from. And because I won’t sell your data to Russia.” Levi winked, grinning.

As Reese charged towards the house, Levi watched him and thought, with a mix of melancholy and pride, about how quickly Reese was growing up. He wondered if that meant he was aging just as quickly? The thought spooked him, and he put it out of his mind.

Levi held the door open for Reese and as they bounded up the back steps. He found the younger boys waiting for Helen to finish cooking so she could fix them a snack, and he jumped in to help expedite things. Reese drifted upstairs to be on his own.

He would spend the rest of the break wondering how he’d ever be able to tell Levi what a great role model he was, or how much his advice helped. Meanwhile, Levi would spend the rest of the break wondering how he would ever tell Reese how much he appreciated being trusted with these sorts of questions and wondering whether or not his advice helped.

Neither would ever find the words. Neither would ever really need them. Any time Reese returned with another question, and Levi responded with another answer, they knew.

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