#being jobless sucks but i don't feel like i want to kill myself because of the other job so yes i am happy about that

[rosecoloredknight]

I woke up extremely sad and depleted. I'm going to do my best to feel better throughout the day and end it on a good note.

[luciluck2046]

OKAY NOTE THIS IS A VENT NOT ANYTHING ELSE.

I decided to rewatch Murder Drones. Bcz of boredom. I also want to know every single line. But uhh, got to Cabin Fever.

The breakdown. Idk. How to explain. I kinda feel left out 99% of the time and I feel like smt is wrong with me. Of course. I mean I already am pretty weird. But today I was uhm... Also weirder. I was out with my brother on a walk. Idk why (he was annoying me but I usually don't react like that) I just went on "Smilly Creepy =) " and kept switching between that and "Emotionless"

I am always the last one when I'm alone. I don't understand emotions. For me they're just a social norm that everyone fakes so those more socially inept or incapable of acting stick out. When I'm alone I pretty much feel... Nothing... I have the same face. No smile. No frown. Not even a single glimpse of emotion in the eyes. Talking low with no specific emotion.

But the "Smiling Creepy =)" was... Weird. Just smiling. Absolutely. But not happy. My eyes weren't showing happynes. Mostly insanity. Even my brother kept telling me to stop doing that face because it was creeping him out. And the voice? Just a sarcastic happy voice.

It's weird.

Emotions suck.

Never understood them.

How can everyone know what emotions they are feeling.

H o w . . . ?

I just... I know I'm not the main character. Not even in my own story. I don't have any real value. Other people see your value differently.

...

Most people avoid me. Like the devil aboids blessed water.

Why..?

What am I doing wrong?

Is it because I talk so much?

Because I have stupid humor?

Because of things that I said back in FIFTH GRADE!?

I know that not because I am clearly scared of being violent. Mostly because violence isn't the answer. But deep down I know that I'm just scared to like it.

I like blood

It's warm... Sweet... The way in flows. It's color. It's beautiful. Why.

W h y ?

J u s t w h y . . . ?

Why am I like this. Why am I hated. What did I do..? Did I do something so fucked up in a past life thag I deserve this..? Maybe... But...

I don't want to hate. Never. Hate is not the option. Like violence. Or this is at least what others say...

I can't make the difference between things that I want to do, things that I should do and things that others want me to do.

I should get therapy...

Maybe...

Or maybe I should just be who I am.

...

...

.

..

...

???

WHO THE FUCK AM I!? WHAT THE FUCK AM I? WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO, WHAT THE RUCK SHOULD I BE?

I want ro do something...

I want to...

I don't know...

Maybe try to see if ...

No I shouldn't...

I shouldn't...

Murder is not okay...?

But what if I like it..?

WHAT THE FUCK WILL I DO THEN????

...

I am not okay...

Should I just go back to SH and stop thinking about violence..?

Who am I kidding...

SH is too easy.

Not violent enough.

.

.

..

...

.

Why.

Why.

Why.

Why?

WHY?

W

H

Y

?

WHY!?!?

I wanna live.

I am not scared of death tho...

...

NO I WON'T KILL MYSELF GET OUT OF MY HEAD I HAVE A FUCKING LOVER THAT CARES ABOUT ME AND I CAN'T LET HER DOWN-

...

Haha

Hahahah

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Life is useless.

We just live to do what?

We are killing our planet

We are making things that are going to leave us jobless

We are being dicks to eachothers.

...

HOW CAN WE LIVE IN SUCH A SOCIETY!?!?

LEAVING OUT WEIRDER PEOPLE!?!?

DRIVING THEM TO FUCKING INSANITY!?!?!?

...

Being insane doesn't sound like a bar thing anymore...

Maybe insane people are just..?

The most aware people?

What am I saying!?

XD

Oh...

I should have let the silly take over.

Like usually.

Being happy is pain

But most don't realize this.

Welp...

[justcallme-oleen]

TW. Monologue of Self loath

That's probably the most solvent emotion that I've been feeling for these past few months; afraid of wanting. Somehow, you know to yourself, you deserve a better treatment and a better option for living. Would that be called as ungrateful if you want to be in a better position? Of being at ease not having a problem of receiving barely enough?

Because I feel shit. A ton.

For quite some time, I've been thinking about the concept of death. Not to be that pessimistic-type of aesthetic-looking-people seeking attention, but maybe I am. And miserable for feeling guilty for a reason of nothing.

I have a lot of people hearing stories about me and my 'goodness'. That some might even fly a few compliments here and there. I really should appreciate it, I should, but here's the problem I can't. It's always my trust with words to the point that I am afraid that could be an indication that I really loath myself.

I have been receiving monthly allowances from my older sister, because my parents are not capable of giving me 'that'. And I am currently in college. That situation alone sucked because my parents have just gone from separation, and my father has just gone 'jobless', the same thing as goes as my mother. So, guilt.

Expense is a thing. I barely even have allocated my budget for an entire month and it feels like the half split of my allowance is being spent alone with paying bills (left by my father). And college is...well expensive. If I could only sell my soul, I would have already been. I could have landed a scholarship, but I am not the same as before. My grades are bearable to say the least, it's not really magnificent at most, just the bland average. I know if there's a will there's a way but fuck.

That's just another thing you know? I feel like I am failing a lot of people. Studying is the only thing I am good at, and I am failing it miserably, that it is the only thing that keeps me up all night or puts me to sleep from crying. Because...fuck.

It's an okay thing, really, my education is doing okay. But knowing me before, I know to myself that I am not settling for something that is okay. Like, hello? I am one of the honor students in our school since junior high and what the fuck am I doing now.

I am feeling pressure, and shit. And that's why I want to kill myself. Because I care, and I love a lot of things, it's making me feel numb. And I hate feeling numb. I kept imagining putting a bullet in my head or mouth most of the time. Sometimes I would just laugh off getting a low score on a test, and people would pity. But I do not like pity. I am a decently-egotistical person that feeds off compliments, but now i wasn't.

And I hate pity. And I hate myself. And I feel awful. About my skill. My talent. My knowledge. My competence. My confidence. My steam. I feel a lot. I feel loved. Cared. Thought of. And I don't deserve it. Why would I? I have always wondered why. And recently I just realized that there is one thing that all of the things people have said to me have failed to mention ed: You are doing great. Or great work. Or you worked so hard. Or I am proud of what you did.

No one fucking cares of the process where I am now. It's just me bettering myself. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I am getting sick of it. I just...

"Next time I know you'll do better."

"Keep up the good work, maybe next time you'll land a compliment..."

"You need to do this..."

"You probably need a job to have that..."

"You are so blessed, you're not even seeing it."

"You're supposed to be grateful our mother loves you the most."

"Why don't you just apply for a job/scholarship to help your parents."

"You actually need to pass a physical copy in order to process it..."

"Just ride a bus to get there, you're old now you should be able to know how to apply for one."

"Can't you just ask for allowance?"

"I think you need a few more points to land for Dean's..."

"I am sorry, your performance is lacking."

"You should have tried out for publishing."

"Did you not get it for that club?"

"That's all that you've got?"

.

.

.

I just wanted to not feel. Not think.

Somehow, all I can ever do about it, is to be grateful that I am alive. But really, isn't it rare to be alive?