#being back in my old room brings up memories id rather forget. i hste crying i hste how much i cried to them
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#sometines it really hurts#when i wake up from a dream about my ex and me#theyre always different some are our real life selfs others are versions of us that are just feelings.#like todays i woke up and just felt like shit. we were goin on adventures ot smthin#it makes me think back on the dream i had when i had to leave them. my last day together with them. i dreamt we went our separate ways#and i hated that dream so much i literally woke up sobbing but they were still asleep and i hugs and kissed them more#i missed them so much when i slept and now all those versions never fucking lesve me i hste having dreams of them. i said i was done#but 7 years of loving someone doesn't just end even now i dont know whst i feel#being back in my old room brings up memories id rather forget. i hste crying i hste how much i cried to them#i hate how i almost ended my life over them. its so hard to think that someone so important to me just left and didn't tell me why#left me to suffer. i honestly think.. if they didn't tell me not to kill or hurt myself after our first break up i wouldn't be here#and thats such a hard truth. thst i literally would have ended myself sooner if they didn't make me promise not to do anything#everytime i wake up from a dream with them i still think back to when we started talking again saying we both had a dream of being together#and so every time i do dream of them i think. and honestly it kinda scares me. that they might try to reach out. for good or bad#it scares me it gives me so mych anxiety because i do still love them. not romanticly but i loved them so much before that i hold something#something that id call love i cherished them they were all id ever talk about and when we broke up i felt like a shell.#i questioned our whole relationship. anytime i saw someone who looked like them it gave me panic attacks i had really bad ptsd#i wanna throe up#i just finished crying#it reminds me of my terrible breakdown where i couldn't stop shaking and almost fell down the stairs#you were stalking my blog then. checking my tag and were seeing it live#seeing me have an active panic attack and i always wondered if you were saying `good i hope you suffer` because i never thought the same#i got angry about how it happened but never i hope you die never i hope you suffer. i miss when we were on good terms#but its been a week and gabe hasn't come back so i hope you guys please lesve me alone#im tired of feeling something for you whether it be sadness fondness or just anger i want you to move on from me#you guys have each other and im nit romantically involved with anyone tho i love my friends so much and i would do anything for them#anyways msybe in just so tried from work and emotionally exhausted thst i started spilli g out shit#nzzt
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