#before the nili anniversary thread fkdjhgjd

[doctornilayxaksoy-esfahani]

She tried to do what he asked of her. She tried so hard to stop apologizing. But... How could she? Causing each other pain, while never intentional, always racked Nilay up with guilt. It was agony to see Moshe hurt because of her and she wished, by g-d did she wish, that she could take it all away. Take away the pain and confusion between her and Elijah with a snap of her fingers so that they could be okay. Because if they're okay, everything else would be okay. The girls would be okay. The cats would be okay. Moshe would be okay. Things would be better. And she hated that she couldn't do that. "I-I'm sorry," she whimpered out again. Her voice a soft squeak, no louder than a mouse's, as she looked up at him carefully.

She wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe that he was right. That she was alright. But the more she looked up at him, the more guilt she felt. She knew how much he loved her; It was the same amount of love she held for him. For most of their lives together, loving and protecting each other was second nature, like breathing. And right now, she was failing in protecting him. How could she not feel guilty over that?

As he pulled away, she held onto the sides of her neck with her hands. Trying to keep herself steady as she tried her best to breathe. Days like this were when her pessimism shone brighter. It was a side of her that she tried so hard to keep locked inside a chest, wanting it to never see the light of day. As a child in the system, as a child going from one home to another in Mardin, as a child who ranged between going from a good family to a horrible one and never knowing what she'll get, pessimism had been her closest friend. It clung to her, whispering constant doubts and fears into her ear, ensuring that she knew exactly what she was: an unlovable little girl with no past, no present, and no future; a nobody with no hope of things getting better. The times she was able to quiet those voices, when she was able to fight back against pessimism, was when she was learning about history. May it have been at a museum, a historical site, a library, or any place that she could be able to find more information and to learn more, optimism took place. And one day, that optimism became humanized in the forms of the Baileys. Choosing her, wanting her, loving her. And over time, optimism was in her life and pessimism was locked away.

Now? Pessimism repeated its old behaviour, whispering in her ear and clouding her thoughts. It'll be alright in the end, dove, Moshe said. But will it be? She doesn't know. She wants it to be, though. She wishes for it greatly, more than anything. Elijah's her soulmate; She didn't want to lose him. But did he even want her to fight for him and for their relationship? It was hard to tell.

Following Moshe to the kitchen, she sighed softly before leaning against the counter. And then... There was that little addition as well... "I can't," she whispers. "At least... Not entirely. Eli shared a secret with me and I refuse to share it without his consent. All I... can really share is that, it's left me feeling scared that all of this, all of these years of being together, every single moment together, has been a lie. That the only reason why we're together is because of the girls. That... he's not in love with me. That he's never been in love with me." Her voice cracked with the first admission of fearing that Elijah wasn't in love with her. Her Egyptian accent grew thicker the more emotional she became and it was hard to keep speaking in English. But, as she shook her head and swallowed thickly, she kept on trying to. Along with trying to take the deep breaths he's asked of her. "I'm so terrified that I'm losing him... but... can you even lose someone who might not have even been yours in the first place? I just... I want to be wrong so much. I want this to just be a blip that we can work through together. I need to know that he's in love with me and that he chooses me the same way I choose him every day. I want to be wrong, Bear. I so desperately want to be wrong and that my fears are just that: fears. But if there's even just the possibility that I'm right..." Shaking her head once more, she whispered tearfully, "I-I don't what to do."

📜@moshebehar

"Hush, my love," Moshe murmured, the frustration that had propelled him to his feet dying a quiet death in the back of his throat as he held Nilay to him. He splayed his fingers where his hand rested against her back for a moment before he began to move― rubbing circles where his hand had settled as he listened to her speak. "You don't need to apologize, darling, you're alright." His voice cracked for a moment on the affectionate term and he forced himself to breathe, forced himself to focus on what Nilay was telling him rather than drifting a thousand miles away as his thoughts frantically ran through any way he might be able to help her. He could provide her comfort in that moment― he was certain of that― but when she left, when she returned to her own home, what could he do then?

He couldn't be there every moment of every day― as much as he might've wanted to be― and he was a hair's breadth away from losing his temper again with every sob she pressed in his chest. It felt a bit like he was being repeatedly bashed over the head with a bottle― sharp and aching in a way he couldn't help but feel; instead of focusing on it, he listened. He pressed another kiss against her temple and tried to keep himself steady― tried to give her a safe place to settle as he'd always done, as he intended to do for the rest of their lives.

He hesitated for a moment as he pulled away― his gaze dropped to his socks and settled there for longer than he might've liked but he was at a loss for words; he wanted to reassure her― god, he wanted nothing more than to promise her that everything would be alright in the end but that wasn't something he could promise. He couldn't predict where things would settle, as much as he hoped they would be fine in the end― it hurt not to know how to help, it hurt not be able to comfort his best friend in a way he felt reasonably confident in. Uncertainty had always clawed at him on his best days but never with Nilay― never with the one person in the world he imagined he understood better than anyone else. He exhaled slowly and smiled, hoped it reached his eyes as he leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead before he stepped away to go through the motions of making tea. "It'll be alright in the end, dove," He said from his position at the counter, glancing over his shoulder to look at her.

"I'm afraid I'm a bit clueless as to what's going on, though. Can you talk about it? Or is that... too difficult just now? I'm not going to push you either way but... well, I'm here. If you'd like to talk or if you don't want to. We can genuinely just sit and have tea and I'd be alright with that," he said, waving a hand absently as he parsed through the selection of tea he kept in the house and plucked two bags out when he was settled on something. "Take a few deep breaths for me in the meantime, please?"