#been so tired all day and my gabapentin isn't gabapentinning

[hellyeahsickaf]

Restless leg syndrome is stupid man I'm trying to sleep not boogie down fuck you

[coto524]

jesus fucking christ it's relentless huh

2024 so far has been:

utterly failing to keep on top of things. the house is a tip and im forgetting to brush my teeth again and i keep going to work in uniform i've forgotten to wash

mam has been getting on my nerves more than usual and i can't tell how much of my frustration is justified and how much is me not taking care of myself (especially with longer workdays / less sleep)

expensive. i had a root canal in january and this month i'm having a crown and in a few weeks i'm going back to cambridge for a weekend and in march i'm heading on my interrail trip

i'm looking forward to my trip in the abstract but. i need to sort out so many things in advance and i Can't. i keep thinking about the accommodation i haven't booked and the train reservations i haven't got and what i'm gonna do in each city and i just. can't get round to it. and i need to sort the house out at least somewhat before i go and i. can't

the cat managed to injure herself on thursday night so it was a trip to the emergency vet and then the daytime vet on friday and then looking after her this weekend and mam's taking her back on monday to have x-rays and it's probably fine but everything is so expensive and they said in the rare event there might be a tumour cats handle amputation very very well and. if it's something serious it's going to come down to whether we can afford to treat her or not. and i don't want to worry for no reason and i know part of it's the gabapentin but she's being so quiet and i hate it hate it hate it and i know at some point we'll have to lose her but not now not like this

people keep suggesting i'd be better in another job and recommending vacancies they've seen that they think i'd be good for and even our manager's started saying "whenever you do leave the team we'll be sorry to see you go" .. the whole world and their mother is convinced i should be striving onwards and upwards and i don't know how to tell them that i'm falling to pieces just trying to work a band 2 job averaging <30 hours a week. that it looks like i can either be employed or look after myself but apparently i can't manage both. and on my days off i don't even do anything to catch up so i don't even know if that's right.

cambridge is going to mean seeing everyone from uni and all the progress they've made and here i am. same as i ever was. and my sisters are coming over and i'm eternally grateful for the help they gave us last year but they're going to ask questions about what's happened in the meantime and i won't be able to give them any answers they'll like

this last one isn't even a major thing but. i'm lonely. the guy i was banging moved out of area and everyone who seems interesting keeps airing me and it's definitely nowhere near my top priority but it's also. really not helping my mental state

reading this all back it looks like i'm having a panic attack and. i don't think i am? i'm just so so tired. and when i stop and try and put it in words i feel stupid for not seeing the problem earlier and stupid for not dealing with it the way that everyone else seems to manage.

[thefriendlypoet]

6/28/24

Therapist said I need to recall my happiness more than negativity.

Thanks to Inside out 2, like Riley, my imagination isn't being used for good. Not truly. I am angry that I have to work for my happiness. I'm angry that it felt like i found it, and then i ruined it. Can't change the past. But i can keep moving forward.

My unbending unyielding undying belief, that i lost sight of for a couple days, is that everything happening is a temporary feeling. It's a passing wave. It's transient. There's nothing to fear, even in the worst situations. Remembering that, this isn't permanent.

We'll keep working on analyzing ourself. But for now:

Week of 6/24-6/28

I had a serious talk with dad and it went surprisingly well without discomfort or issue. I had a delcious dinner with my madrina, my tia. Watching my cousin 11 yrs old play basketball was awesome. I connected with my padrino, gil. Got to see Erik at the end. Encourage him. Connected well and a lot with brenden. The mystery was solved that my mom took my hat. She got it back from brenden.

Monday was dance. I dont remember what i did form 4-6 but by the time i got ready for dance it was awesome. Danced well with nadia. Practiced with Latia. Did well during freestyle. Classes are were and always are great. Dance makes me happy. I need to practice more. I will.

Wednesday got confusing. I got to talk to Julian about death, conciousnesnsss, thoughts, existence. So we're going to have a sleepover and go to church together. Hopefully i go to church. I will. So Wednesday, I did the laundry. Showered, and spent time with Adrian. We ordered dinner. The chicken was delicious. Really fucking delicious the Grecian sauce. I love there fries. MY favorite in the city. And the fruit punch soda. Then, it was great being with Adrian. Seeing him interact with me. Play with me, seek ways to communicate to me, not just words. We watched AOT together. It was wholesome. and it was dope talking about the show since we know how it ends.

Thursday was disappointing. I wasphysically/mentally tired at the end of the work day. I slept for almost 3 hours in my car after work in the parking lot. I didnt go to the gym, which made me feel, which meant i had, failed. I was hurting, feeling that i cant control my mood, and as a result, i cant control my life, or reach my goals, and then felt eceedingly ordinary when ive been building confidence for weeks so hard that i could be someone. that i could achieve even 1 of my dreams. Failing to go to the gym made me feel like i cant achieve any f my dreams and i'll be down here with no potential.

But with an improved mood, thats not true. i have to understand that my mood will in large determine my thoughts. And they are not true. They are temporary.

I was not tired. I chose, 50/50 real close to a no, to go dance. And im glad i did because it was fun. The morning started with a headache i wasnt used to. I was upset. But by the grace of God, some propenal and gabapentin later, i do feel better. I actually feel kind. I feel oozing a flow stream of kindness, compassion, and desire to share good with others. to hug, and to express love. the day will end well. I promise. My 2010s music is fire by the way.

Development of Consciousness I changed my mind. I developed a model of reality that was soothing calming grounding and assuring. peace inducing. i was free. seeing things as they are. unbounded. free of chains, and see people, rather than reacting people. Undertsanding trhat all concioiusness is my thought judgment and experince. theres lomst glass betweeen us. and it was like being a kid. unhurt by the world. and with it, unambigious shifts have been occurring in the people around me, coinistently. matrix glitches. they'rehappening.

maybe i am changing the fields around me. i hope so. i want to leave this world for something better. though i dont know what better is. i will search for it. i'll know it when i find it. but this isnt so bad. its not so bad.

6/28/2024 9:49am CST Chicago, Illinois

[altheterrible]

I have a doctor's appointment and I have a long list of concerns I need to address.

1. I need the dose increased on my beta blocker, my ACE inhibitor, and my statin. Being middle aged and having stage 3 kidney failure is catching up with my circulatory system, and my heart rate doesn't go below 100 anymore. My blood pressure has been elevated the last few times I've had it checked as well. As for the statin, per heart disease guidelines I should be on a high intensity statin regimen.

2. I want to ask about initiating pioglitazone. It’s an antidiabetic medication that decreases insulin resistance and improves glucose metabolism in muscle cells. Victoza has been helping my blood sugar a lot, but it also affects my mood. I thought I was just imagining it until I did some research and found that depression and insomnia are reported side effects. I've taken pioglitazone previously and it was decently effective, so hopefully if I can start it, I can use less insulin. This is something I should probably talk to my Endo about, but I'm not seeing her for several weeks

3. I need a referral to a pulmonologist so I can get new pulmonary function tests and see what options I have for increasing my endurance. I'm thinking pulmonary rehab might be useful?

4. I need a referral to a sleep doctor for a new sleep test so I can get more effective CPAP settings, also to see if I have a sleep disorder other than ADHD lmao. I'd be interested in trying modafinil if I get my CPAP adjusted and I'm still not feeling rested.

5. I need a referral to an allergy doctor so I can figure out if I have MCAS or something else, I just need to get these random allergic reactions under control because it's nerve wracking never knowing what's going to trigger anaphylaxis

6. I probably need a referral to a nephrologist? I’m juuuuust at the point where my meds might need to be adjusted for renal function

7. I would love it if I could get a higher dose of gabapentin. I'm on 600 mg BID. Dosing maxes out at something like 5000 mg/day so there's room to go up, and right now it’s helping the burning and tingling in my hands and feet so I feel like a higher dose would help more. However, it's a controlled substance in my state and even though it's a C5 the fact it’s controlled means doctor’s don't want to prescribe it.

8. I need to ask about insomnia meds. My psych took me off all insomnia meds bc trazodone doesn't work and makes me sick, and doxepin doesn't work, so she decided I just don't need sleep I guess. I've had some success in the past with clonazepam and temazepam, but again, they’re controlled, specifically C4s, so there's the reluctance to prescribe. Also long term constant used of benzos for sleep isn't actually effective for me anyway. I'm interested in trying low dose (5mg) Ambien, and that's a C5, so that might go over better. Gabapentin helps me STAY asleep, but I can’t GET TO SLEEP.

Also, doctors have been telling me since 2012 that the reason I feel so tired and shitty is because my blood sugar is out of control. Maybe now that my numbers are improving (estimated A1c less than 8, baby!) we can consider other causes. I think I have "just got a janky body" disease.

[dzpenumbra]

12/11/22

Max has her appointment tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous. She's doing fine, she's been puking in the mornings but I'm like 100% sure it's because I haven't been letting her free-feed because I haven't had a dish available for that yet. The tell was her breaking into the treat container this morning and feasting. No puke this time. So yeah. I'm guessing eating at 9PM and then not eating again until 1PM is... not good for her. It's probably not good for me either. I hope I can get things straightened out in my life a bit to ensure that she doesn't have to suffer from my sleeping/losing track of time problems.

The appointment is going to be her first blood draw since she started the hyperthyroid meds. She's put on a good amount of weight, which is awesome, a big thing with hyperthyroidism is just shedding pounds and she was like skin and bones for a while there. She looks very healthy, though she does sleep a lot and she hasn't really played at all since we got to the new place. Maybe climbing the stairs a few times a day just wears her out? Maybe she's just getting old. I dunno. She's 16, it can be hard to tell.

I had to give her Gabapentin tonight. It's always a weird feeling dosing your pet. I've had to do it a few times, with my German Shepherd before she passed and my cat for her first blood draw. It's not the end of the world, I just... I feel like an evil stepmother from a horror movie or something. "Don't worry dear, I've got your delicious dinner right here, you'll feel much better reeeeal soon! Bwahahahah!" I mean... lucky her, she gets to be high as shit for an entire day for free, but like... being dosed and not understanding what's going on is like... that's scary shit, honestly. So yeah, I have to like not think about it much and just be as sweet and kind to her as possible.

Tomorrow, I have to get up early to get her meds to her 2 hours before the appointment. I hate bitching about waking up at like 10:30. It makes me feel so lame. But this has been a serious thing for me for a long-ass time. There was a 6 month period in the last decade where I was waking up before like noon. That's a very long time. Yet, I still feel like I'm gonna get shit if I go "oh god, I have to wake up before 11". Here's my thinking on it. My cat gets her meds at 1AM. My sleep ritual revolves around that. No sleep ritual just doesn't really feel... possible... it's like the only structure my life has. If I drop that, shit just goes into absolute chaos real quick. So that takes about... an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Depends on how distracted I get. So, that puts me around 2-3AM. If I fall right asleep, then I can get up around 10-11 no prob. But what's been happening lately is that I do the meds and then I get distracted... and I don't start my sleep rituals until like... 2 or 2:30. Yeah... so that's gotta not happen tonight. And it's 12:56 right now. Yep. So... I guess my night is over? Sucks because I'm not really tired yet. Oh well.

Honestly, more than anything, I'm just tired of being stressed out about this shit. Guess what? Everything I just said up there, implying the consequence of people judging me? Yeah, people will judge me. People will judge me because of my skin color, because of my haircut, because I have a beard, because I'm single in my mid-30's, because of how I smell, because I'm an artist. A person I shared a room with judged me because I wore all black clothes one day. I shit you not, he was fucking baffled and stunned and was super snobby about it, like he was scared of me or something. I literally didn't even notice that I was wearing all black, I just put on clean clothes. So... 1) Why the fuck do I care what shallow, judgmental people think of me? Isn't that just a clear indicator of people that are like... toxic to me? and, most importantly... 2) No other person is judging me when these imaginary things happen. When I say "god I hate how people always judge me for getting up late." No one even knows or cares when I wake up. The only one judging me on that is myself. But, you know, when you are surrounded by shitty people for the majority of your life... that shit just lives in your head, like the world's shittiest roommate. And they can be super convincing, because... you know... they're you.

On that note, 1:05AM. I'm gonna finish these like 3 day old nachos and start getting ready for bed. Fingers crossed my girl's blood levels come back healthy tomorrow, she's been looking much better but... this is something that she's just stuck with the rest of her life. As long as she's happy and not hurting, I'm happy.

[auntie-histamine]

hey chronic pain fam, I could use some validation.

I've had a migraine for 3 weeks. It's not the kind of migraine that's at a 10 all the time, more like I wake up in the morning (at 7) with a headache of like a 3 or 4, then it gradually worsens throughout the day. by the time I'm leaving work it's hovering between a 7-8, and I can start to feel the familiar sensation of nails stabbing into the areas by my eyes

I've had to take an agressive amount of medication almost every night since this started, to the point where it alters my state of mind. weed, gabapentin, imitrex, oxycodone, all it does at best is numb the pain enough for me to fall asleep. But I don't sleep well.

My doctor has put me on a Prednisone taper, but that's not doing much either. The migraine still comes back in the morning like clockwork. The office is in the process of approving me for Botox, but it's insurance so it's taking forever

at this point, I am so aggressively tired I can't keep my eyes open. I'm still struggling through an 8.5-hour workday, and then when I get home I barley have enough energy to stay up for a few more hours before bed. I haven't been able to exercise or socialize, or do pretty much anything that isn't 100% Necessary to my being a functioning adult.

I feel like it's impossible that I could feel this bad, and I feel guilty for not taking better care of myself - I know I'm doing what I need to get through as much as I can, but the fact that I can't exercise or cook much, and engage in other healthy habits, is starting to make me feel like a piece of human trash. Or subhuman. It's more like subhuman.

can I get some sympathy and validation from my fellow spoonies out there? I'm exhausted and I just want to feel less alone