#been having a bit of difficulty feeling comfortable with posting drawings. SO! forcing myself to post this. fuck it

[hotdogmchiggin]

Hi yeah I’m normal

WEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Closeups under the cut!!!

[goombasa]

Getting Past My Own Terror When Trying New Things

So over the last couple of years, i've been trying several new hobbies.

A lot of them I ended up dropping not long after starting them, much to my shame.

Now I'm back to at least dabbling in a lot of them, chiefly trying to learn digital art (both vector and raster), dabbling in game design, and fiddling around with some DAWs and banging out some simple tunes. If I had the space, I would love to drag out my fabric scraps and take another go at sewing again. I've dropped and picked up all these different hobbies on and off again for like a decade, ever since leaving college, but I just never could keep up with them. I've pondered on why for a while. A part of it might just be me. I do have difficulty focusing on things from moment to moment, but I think it's something a bit deeper than that: I think it's because I'm terrified of failure, and that terror is really hard to get over.

I compare something like drawing, something that I've only really attempted to do since leaving college, and writing, something that I've been doing constantly since middle school. At this point, writing feels like second nature to me. It's something that I've trained since very early in my life, to the point where I don't even see it as a skill anymore, it's just a part of me, something that I do. Drawing though, I haven't done any serious attempts at art since I was required to back when I was in school. I didn't really do it beyond those required art classes, and only took an interest in trying to learn it after my time in the education system was over, and now, when I try to work on it, I'm easily frustrated by the fact that progress is slow. I get intimidated and frustrated, and not long after that, I end up putting it down and not touching it again for months on end until I muster up the courage to try again. As you can imagine, this hasn't led to me making much progress.

And therein lies the issue; I want to make progress, I want to get better, and create something I feel more comfortable with sharing with other people. But I'm terrified. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. Recently, I've taken to trying very, very hard to push past that terror, that mental block that keeps telling me that, due to the fact that I'm not instantly good at it and immediately making progress, that must mean I'll never get better at it and therefore should just quit while I'm ahead. It's an incredibly toxic mindset to have about myself and my own abilities, but no matter how many times I'm reminded that things like drawing are skills that need to be trained and fostered over long periods of time, my mind works against me to tell me that if I'm not making masterpieces after a month of taking a handful of free courses on Youtube, well then, obviously I'm never going to be good at it and I should stop trying.

I've mostly forgotten one of the most important parts of trying something new, especially if it's mostly just supposed to be for a hobby and not a professional skill, at least not in the near future: have fun with it. And that's something that I've been trying hard to force into my skull at this point. I shouldn't be forcing myself to learn a new skill if I'm not going to enjoy it. I want to learn to draw because I want to create in a new way, something that's unfamiliar to me. I shouldn't worry about whether it is good or not, I shouldn't worry about what other people think of it, but years of being exposed to the idea that if it isn't good enough to sell then it isn't good enough to show has made me very self conscious of my own creations. It's a bad time.

But I think this finally might be receding. I first noticed when I stopped constantly posting to youtube, putting out videos quickly in order to try and keep my channel relevant, that I just felt better. When I started to work on videos at my own pace, just work on them when I feel like it, no matter how shoddy they were, I felt happier with the end result because I didn't feel compelled to make them out of obligation or worry. I was having fun making things again.

And I have to apply that same sort of mentality to my new hobbies if I want to keep making progress. I want to get better, for my own satisfaction.

I'm curious if anyone else out there has had a similar sort of epiphany about their own hobbies. Have you experienced that feeling of just not feeling like you're progressing fast enough, or at all, even when you're new at something. Please, let me know, how'd you get over that hurdle, how'd you get past your own personal mind games and just enjoy the stuff that you do, the stuff that you make. I'm very interested to hear how others deal with this phenomenon.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

what about the raven herself?

Welp, I didn’t expect this one 😅 but since you asked, I’ll provide!

***Standard disclaimer: These are just my personal opinions of the character(s); regardless of what I may think of them, sharing my thoughts is NOT meant to offend or to shame anyone that thinks differently.*** Do I really need to slap the standard disclaimer on a character opinion bingo about my own OC??????

Raven 🥺 my child............................. .. . ....... . .... . .. . .. ......... . . . . .. . .... .. . my birb dotter........... . . . ..... . . . .. ..... . . . .. ... ... . . . .. . . .

WAHAHAHAH I’m very obviously going to be biased with my thoughts 😌 so I hope you’re prepared for that—

When I first had the idea for a “blog mascot” in late spring-early summer of 2020, I had no idea just how attached to Raven I would be. Contrary to popular belief, she’s not meant to be a self-insert or a Yuusona; she’s an OC with her own lore and she exists entirely separate from Yuu. While Raven isn’t a self-insert, she happens to share the same name as my online alias (which I know can get confusing 💦), and she’s also the type of character whose struggles I can relate to. I only put bits and pieces of myself in Raven, a trait or two here and there—just enough to let me comfortably project my issues onto her. She has difficulty expressing her feelings outside of writing, and she longs for the freedom to do as she wishes, to live without restraint… and to understand herself. She feels small and helpless in a world that’s dark and confusing to navigate. In a way, writing Raven gives me a chance to explore and to cope with similar real world issues, so she brings me a sense of comfort and hope. (If you’re interested in hearing a little more about my OC creation process, I’d recommend checking out this post!)

I had many different inspirations when I was designing her looks, personality, and backstory for a cohesive character. What was most important to me was creating an OC that is both layered and “makes sense”. For example, I think a lot of people would describe Raven’s personality as “tsundere”—but why is that? Why is her personality “tsundere”? Because she doesn’t believe she deserves nice things, and she doesn’t think she belongs among humans. Because she’s been betrayed by someone she once trusted, and this reaction is the only defense mechanism she knows. Because her curse may punish her for ever getting too close to anyone. Even her design speaks to who Raven is; she’s trying so hard to emulate Crowley (but more mature), because she doesn’t have a clear sense of what her identity is or what her place in the “story” is anymore, so it’s easier to try and be like someone else. That’s what makes it really fun to design other outfits for her; it feels like Raven’s finally allowed to dress how she wants instead of having to live up to someone else’s legacy. This is totally me playing favorites, but Raven’s really deep 😌 and I hope that more people come to appreciate her for that. (Why not check out this post for more about her? Read the Tale of the Cursed Raven—)

I have the most enjoyment writing Raven interacting with other characters. She takes herself so seriously and tries to act like a refined lady, so it’s amusing when that plays off the callousness of her peers and it forces the childishness she often hides to come out. Jade is particularly interesting to write with Raven, because almost every conversation between them turns into a battle of wits and seeing who can outsmart the other and get them to break and lower their guard Kaguya-sama: Love is War style. I’d like to think that they’re both getting free entertainment from it 😂 With other characters, it’s fun to draw contrasts (Kalim’s/Rook’s/Cater’s cheer vs Raven’s reservedness, Crowley’s immaturity vs Raven’s sense of responsibility, L*ona’s laziness vs Raven’s hard-working nature, etc.), as well as parallels (she and Silver are both adopted, she and Ortho are both students enrolled under “extraordinary” circumstances, etc.). I’m weirdly proud that I cam write Raven with the other students and interacting with them all so differently, because it makes me think she’s as “real” and as fleshed out as the main cast are; it makes me feel like a mom watching her kid make new friends on the playground with the other children 😌

I know that people usually like to see Raven engage with the Usual Suspects (J word, Rook, L*ona), but I would like more opportunities to have her engage with others in the student body as well. Interacting only with “potential love interests” makes a character seem flat and like they were invented solely to be shipped with someone else, so I want to expand on Raven’s platonic relationships and friendships. I don’t want her to be defined by who she loves, but by who she is as an individual. After all, finding “herself” (aka having faith in herself and in her identity) is a big theme of the Tale of a Cursed Raven, and the “self” isn’t defined only by who someone loves, right?

Sometimes I feel guilty about writing Raven and posting it publicly, because she’s a personal character and not a canon one (the latter being what most people come to my blog for). With time, I think I’ve slowly become more comfortable doing it 😌 because seeing my friends and my mutuals share their own OC creations gives me more confidence. I hope I can share more of Raven with the world.

[daisiesforlacey]

The Costuming and Coloring of JATP : Part 1 - Julie Molina

I’ve seen so many of these posts and I wanted to make my own! I love costuming and color theory in film and I thought I’d do my own take on jatp! Please keep in mind that I am by no means an expert and this is only my thoughts, and feel free to add your own interpretations and thoughts :)

Heads up this is a super long post (I won’t be coving all of Julie’s outfits, only the ones that have significant meaning)

And none of this could have been possible without Soyon An, the costume designer of jatp! All referenced quotes and information for her can be found here, here, and here

One of the main difficulties of costume design is having the clothing fit the period, tone of the piece, and the character. The characters have to wear the clothes, not the other way around. Who is this person? What are their conflicts? How do they look at the world? What do they value? How do they grow? Just some examples of what good costume designers ask. 

They can also be used as a subtle tool to show who each character is; how we dress is a reflection of ourselves.

JULIE MOLINA:

Ok so we all know she is an absolute queen with AMAZING fits, even from the start of the show! I’m going to go chronologically, just to make it easier on all of us!

Julie starts off the series in a baggy yellow sweatshirt over her blue and white shirt, her painted jeans, fluffy slippers, and a set of necklaces! (Actually we first see her at school, where she wearing a flannel instead of the sweatshirt, but the same concepts apply) This already gives us A TON of information on her!!

Her necklaces include a Virgin Mary pendant, a nod to her heritage and religion and one of her own name, which we can assume is a gift from someone special to her

She puts on the sweatshirt after she gets home and bombed playing in front of her class. Idk about you, but I always want to wear sweatshirts and comfy clothes whenever I feel down, so I infer that that is what Julie is doing! 

There is also something to be said about the visual irony between bright yellow smiley face on the front and Julie’s own grieving

(Also can I just say that I love that Julie is allowed to be a teen and wear silly slippers because their comfortable clothes. I am so tried of teenagers being over sexualized and as a brown girl myself, it’s wonderful to see these multidimensional non white characters!)

Her own painted jeans, (also pretty baggy) and sneakers as said by Soyon An, are painted by Julie! (We also see her creativity later when drawing a cupcake on her mic for Luke’s bday, but that’s another post)

Her creativity seems to have no bounds, and it’s obvious that from the start that this is how she expresses herself!

If you want to get really analytical, one could say that the bright yellow covering up her blue collar could show how Julie herself is trying to cover up her own sadness

The blue and yellow also come up in another scene of hers with Luke, but that is another post entirely

JUST FROM HER CLOTHES ALONE WE, THE VIEWERS, ALREADY SUBCONCIOUSLY KNOW SOOOO MUCH ABOUT JULIE:

She’s most likely Catholic and cherishes her religion and family

She’s not feeling too confident in herself

She’s crazy creative and talented

She’s trying to mask some sort of sadness

ISN’T THAT INSANE??? A TELL TALE SIGN OF A GOOD COSTUMER!

Julie then moves to plaid pants and a cropped lavender blouse (Which I absolutely adore!!!) 

She has just met the boys, and Luke gave her that little pep talk in front of the studio and is now wearing form fitting clothes!

DON’T TWIST THIS: She’s wearing these clothes because she now feels more confident in herself and is ready to sit down and play Wake Up

Julie is wearing more subdued colors; the focus isn’t on her outfit, that’s not where the color is. The color is lighting Julie from behind. The focus of the moment is Julie and her music.

You’ll also notice the lighting behind her shifts from the cold early morning, to the sun rising behind her, again, very poetic. The sun is literally rising on Julie and it is a new dawn for her, and the start of the show itself

Not to mention Wake Up which is literally about moving forward and... waking up lol

This is maybe one of my favorite performance outfits of her! (Who am I kidding, all of them are my favorite)

Julie is wearing a camo jumpsuit with patches and her signature sneakers

The patches, once again, show us that Julie is creative in many ways along with her shoes

I love that all of her outfits seem like the average person could make them and wear them. Yet, these characters are still teenagers and are discovering their own personal style, which can be sort of outlandish. It really works to ground the show in reality with all of the kooky happenings

Julie is once again wearing her necklaces, and we can infer that she wears them all of the time

In this outfit (with an added Double Trouble tshirt underneath), she also sings Flying Solo. The jumpsuit is a reflection of her friendships with the guys and Flynn!

And this outfit with Bright??? Chefs kiss. This is the subtle characterization I live for!

Julie’s actress, Madison Reyes’, mother is in the armed forces. She and Soyon wanted an outfit to pay homage to her, and I think the camo works perfectly

By this time we already have a good grasp on who Julie is

Julie is wearing a neon blue leotard, silver white pants, fishnets, her drawn on white sneakers and a rainbow chunky sequin cloak. She also find a drum major’s cape from the music room. She has her hair in the same cornrowed way as she does in Stand Tall, with pink, red, and blue ribbons.

While I may be jumping the gun this early in the post, I love this detail. This is her fantasy which ends up coming true in the final number and that is just beautiful

Julie’s fantasy outfit in I Got the Music is so extra and wonderful

This is Julie’s idealized self; it is bright and unapologetic and you can’t help but notice her. The outfit is purposefully outlandish and completely unrealistic

This is the first thing that clues you in that this is a fantasy; she does a quick change from her previous outfit. You can also see that her trio of necklaces aren’t there.

She keeps some elements from her actual school outfit, the pants and presumably the leotard, they just get an upgrade

Ok now onto the breakdown:

These are her school colors

This is the first time we see Julie in blue since the first episode. So far, we have seen her in muted tones. This time the blue is vibrant. This signals to the viewers that she is not hiding anymore and has almost reclaimed the color

Soyon specifically said she wanted a hood for Julie such as the Virgin Mary is traditionally depicted with a head covering

Julie is wearing her school colors loud and proud with a cropped LFHS reddish hoodie, underneath is a bright blue leotard, a blue belt, and white distressed jeans and fishnets

Julie is now fully in her element and has formed a band with the boys!!! Woohoo!

If you recall, in this episode, Julie also interacts the most with Carrie and Nick up until now; the two characters rooted in her school life.

Most everything I said in the previous section is here too, just a little toned down.

One thing that I see in this outfit is that she’s wearing a little bit of the boys’ themes; Luke’s blue, Reggie’s red, and Alex’s denim and grey. 

This is also the day that she gets into the conflict with the boys, they go to Bobby’s to get revenge, lie to her, and bail on the dance. I see this as them becoming closer and then falling farther apart.

Julie is also wearing fishnets and socks, which mirrors Dirty Candi’s performance of Wow. This is a wonderful detail to show that the two aren’t so different after all.

I love this outfit and I will forever be mad that we never got to see her perform in it

Julie is wearing her mothers mesh tie dye top, a black tank top, and loose black striped pants

THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT: This is the first time we see her wear her mother’s clothes, a physical representation of her coming to terms with her mother’s death!!!

This is also when Flynn comes up with Julie and the Phantoms, another big milestone. This is when they were supposed to make a mark on her school

(Ofc we all know this is when the boys bail...)

The next day, Julie is wearing a powder blue floral dress, sneakers, with a white t shirt and a cream colored cropped fluffy jacket (this is most aligned with my aesthetic)

Again, this shows that she is experimental with her clothes

 It is also worth noting that Soyon does a good job with establishing that she is a sneaker head, I mean have you seen her kicks????

Now is a good time to talk about character colors: good media will establish a color per character. This helps viewers easily distinguish who they are and how they connect to others. Characters may wear these colors a lot or have significant moments in these colors

The colors also have their own meanings which apply (we’ll look more into this in the Stand Tall dress)

Luke is blue, Julie is purple (as we will see later on), Alex is pink, and Reggie is Red

When characters wear another character’s color it signals to us that they will be having a ‘moment’ with the other character (getting along after fighting, learning something new, etc.)

Alternatively, if a character is wearing colors opposite to another, you know they will clash

In this episode, Julie goes to Luke’s house and learns more about him and Emily AND SHES’S WEARING HIS BLUE!!! BIG MOMENT!!!

ONCE YOU NOTICE COLOR IN FILM, YOU CAN LEARN TO PREDICT WHERE THE STORY IS GOING. THESE ARE SOME HELPFUL HINTS:

Notice a character’s colors and when another character wears them, they will be having a ‘moment’

If the color in the scene isn’t on the character, the focus isn’t on them, maybe it’s on the emotions of the scene or other characters

Colors WILL signify emotions; yellow is happy, blue can be sad or calming depending on the shade, red can be passion or anger. If a character wears a lot of one color, you can predict their emotions

Ok no hate, this is definitely not my favorite outfit. It gives me mad Shake It Up vibes, not that that’s bad, just not my thing.

Julie performs Finally Free in a teal and black dress/shirt, silver biker short, a black vest, and arm bands

It has been confirmed by Charlie and Madison that this is when Luke realizes he like Julie, which makes sense as you see that she is wearing blue (She will now start wearing more of these cool tones)

She is also wearing arm bands, something Luke does often

Her vest is also the same one as the girl from the beginning, which we all know by now is Rose, her mother!

She has upcycled the vest and added her own special twists to it! It also helps for us to see connection between Rose and performing

You can also see a dahlia pin, her mother’s favorite flower. These often make an appearance! (They’re also purple)

It’s Edge of Great Time!! This is maybe the most iconic outfit!

Julie performs in a white blouse with butterflies, her hair also with butterfly clips, her pants are constructed beautifully with black and white panels. She finished the outfit with black and white combat boots and more butterflies!

Soyon specifically said that the butterflies represent Julie coming out of her cocoon and coming into herself, like a butterfly would!

This is truly her most powerful and performance worthy outfit and sucks all of the attention to her

Julie’s clean contrast of black and white also make her stand out from the rest of the band! The combination is often a symbol of power and truth! (Think judges robes)

Time to get some tissues, Unsaid Emily, it’s your turn!

This is what I consider Julie’s most average and basic outfit, but there is a lot to analyze here: A magenta sweater and jeans.

This sweater is her mothers; meaning it is probably a comforting item for her, seeing as she is about to have a very emotional moment, calling back to that yellow sweater in the beginning!

Also see how this has blue, pink, and red designs, and I’m sure by now you can tell what I am going to say: These are the guys colors! 

She’s going to have a heartfelt moment involving them, and it fits. This is one of the emotional climax’s of the show and this is when she becomes even closer with the Phantoms

You can tell, just from her standing on the steps of Luke’s house what is about to go down (Well maybe not all of the tears, but still)

Julie goes to check on the guys in the studio in a blue floral shirt and blue jeans

These are once again, Luke’s colors, but are slowly becoming THEIR colors. She wears these when she is saying goodbye to her best friends

This is also the outfit that Julie’ wears when she finds them after the performance and they haven’t crossed over. 

It makes perfect sense that she is wearing all blue when SHE AND LUKE HUG!!! (And then all of the boys too in the best group hug ever)

Of course we’re gonna end the post with this absolutely ICONIC outfit!

Julie is wearing a purple dress with purple tulle, a bedazzled leather jacket, and her hair IN THE SAME STYLE AS I GOT THE MUSIC!!!

Lets go one by one:

The dress is a Balmain dress that Soyon got for $500, then she completely deconstructed it and made it to fit Madison! that’s incredible

This is the climax of the show: the boy are ‘doing their unfinished business,’ Julie is playing the Orpheum, and what color is she wearing but PURPLE! What color are dahlias? PURPLE! What color has had the most significance? PURPLE! What do red, blue, and pink make up? PURPLE! PURPLE IS JULIE’S CHARACTER COLOR

You’ll also notice that her jacket has pink, red, and blue accents, the colors of Alex, Reggie and, Luke, to show that they have become a part of her and she is now a part of them

That’s the same for her hair

It shows how she has now achieved her dream, her make believe world is now her reality

I really think we’ll see more of Julie in purple in the seasons to come, now that she has found herself

I hope that you all have learned a little about color and costuming in this post! Once you get the hang of it, it becomes really fun, like a puzzle!

I hope to do more of these with the rest of the characters as well!

Feel free to add on your own ideas and interpretations!

[meowlayn-art]

You're really great at piano! May I ask you some question? I played piano for three years and then leave the lesson and continue by myself, but I'm not that good at it. Also, I'm not that big practicer(?) so what I want, miracles? Btw, how you get inspired? Have you ever had an "music block"? What kind of method of practice do you use? Thank you for your time! 🍀

♪ Hello dear pianist Anon !  ♫

Thank you for reaching out ! Although I am afraid I never posted a video of myself playing piano so you are giving me credit for something I can’t prove ( ´ ▽ ` ) (I was fairly good back in the days but not that much anymore haha).

I think you are referring to this post though, where I explained I got a new piano after stopping playing for a few years, and I was planning on learning MLQC”s theme. The video you saw, as I mentioned in the post, is a video by FlowerEmblem, who performed the MLQC theme (not me) beautifully and gave a link to the piano sheets in her description. If you enjoyed the performance please consider giving her a thumbs up and a nice comment on her Youtube channel  (o´▽`o)ﾉ

NOW. I could give you a few advices, because I played piano for 12 years, and I still remember a thing or two haha.

♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ 

1) “ I am not good at it” : it can be hard to keep practicing when you don’t have a teacher to help and motivate you to do so. I know. I had a piano teacher and that’s what kept me motivated for years, but I learned ukulele all by myself, so I understand how someone can feel discouraged of not improving “fast enough”. But funny enough, you answered your own question, Anon : if you don’t practice… Then you won’t improve. No miracles indeed ! ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌ It goes for any craft, any skills.

My advice would be to pick one or two SIMPLE pieces you REALLY enjoy, and start with that. Don’t bite on more than you can chew ! Really, choose something simple and enjoyable and keep practicing until you feel comfortable to move on to a piece that is a little bit more complex. I truly started to enjoy playing piano when I looked for piano version of Naruto’s soundtracks ( Sadness and Sorrow will always be my all time favorite) and kept adding the difficulty with more and more complex pieces, little by little. Also, that’s my personal method, but I never moved on to another piece unless I truly ‘mastered’ the one I was learning – and by that I mean being able to play with nuances and by heart. 

2) Inspiration : movies I really enjoyed, songs that made me cry, video games with gorgeous soundtracks (FINAL FANTASYYY) and anime were my main source of inspiration.

Again, to keep yourself motivated, I would highly recommend melodies you are deeply attracted to, almost in a visceral way. Not only will you be able to recall the melody more easily and spot the mistakes you make along the way as you read the partition sheet, but it will also make the experience more enjoyable. After all, if you don’t have a teacher forcing you to play a specific piece then, you are free to choose whatever you like ! Remember : start with something simple, nice and enjoyable, with a repetitive melody (or at least something you know by heart) if possible.

3) Music block : yes, it happened. And it can also happen nowadays when drawing – that’s called art block and it SUCKS (ง ื▿ ื)ว My advice whenever you feel blocked (either because you are not inspired or because you are not satisfied with what you are currently doing) :

Try something new. Do small exercises. Try and learn some basic music theory. Have fun with silly sound effects if you have a digital piano/keyboard. Try a new genre – but always KEEP. IT. SIMPLE.

Feed your creativity : do ANYTHING ELSE than playing piano and let your brain do the rest. You’ll notice a nice soundtrack in this show here, a beautiful melody in this videogame there, a new song you really enjoy… As I said, my inspirations came from my day-to-day activities.

JUST TAKE A BREAK. Don’t force yourself. Inspiration won’t come if you are frustrated or exhausted. Just accept that it can take a few days/weeks/months to feel inspired again. If playing piano is not your job, then there is no need to rush things. Find something else to keep yourself busy and it will come back 😊

4) Practice : so I might not be the best person to answer this one because I am not a professional, and that’s the method that worked for ME.

I usually make sure I am sitting correctly, that my nails are cut short, my hands are correctly positioned above the keyboard, I don’t have jewels or hair bothering me…

And then I decipher the partition bits by bits, right hand first, then left hand. Once I am comfortable with BOTH, I put them together – I am not that great at reading and playing at the same time at first. I usually do small sessions (not more than 45min because after that reading the sheets feels exhausting). And I don’t decipher the whole partition in one go – I prefer to “master” small bits at a time especially for long pieces, so that I can feel a sense of accomplishment between sessions – also my brain keeps working between the sessions and will memorize the gestures easier if it rests. I have always been taught that its better to work a little bit everyday than to try and learn everything in one afternoon 😊

My very talented writer friend @truth-be-told-im-lying blog (18+ blog) is a professional pianist and I am sure she could have a few more advices to add to this but I leave it to her :D Also please check out this beautiful collab she did with the amazing @saeyoungs-sunflower, it gave me chills  ♡＼(￣▽￣)／♡

Thanks for you message Anon, I hope it was useful in some way !

[drennalynspast]

[ Online Relationships ]

Monday, Oct. 07, 2013

I’m going to recap several gaps in my life in which I haven’t focused a particular topic on. Online relationships have transformed me in a way in which I couldn’t have imagined. There are a lot of positive aspects as well as negative aspects to it. I used online relationships as a form of escapism from reality. It granted me immediate feedback, gratification and attention if I was lonely, stressed, and needed someone there.  The art of communicating with written words is something that helped me express myself more in depth and allow myself to be more open to the other online people.

t’s has been noted that my online friendships with people have lasted for several weeks, some several months, and others that lasted a year.  That feeling of greeting someone in the morning with an msn text and then closing an msn text before going to bed was a warm, cozy, reassuring feeling.  When I feel more open to someone, I feel comfortable around them and have some sort of emotional connection with that person.  A lot of my online friends were males. I could easily talk to them.  I will admit, a lot of it had to do with some sort of personal validation and being flattered from the praise and attention I received. 

Some of these friendships at first seemed like platonic friendships. Eventually it got to that point where I felt like I appreciated them more and wished to see them in person. I became jealous when I found out that they eventually got a girlfriend or wife.  At some points, I became confused if they just saw me as a friend or something more than a friend.  

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Thunder was my first online friend. We randomly became friends through a social networking site that my Indian friends introduced me to [the site].  He added me thinking I was 18+, but I lied about my age, and I was like 16-17 lolol.  He does some sort of computer graphic design or drawing tutorial work. He was kinda disappointed I was young, but we were just friends. Eventually I got older and was shocked he eventually found a wife from his workplace. I had no idea he was seeing anyone. We met each other in person once before he and his wife left to move to California. He and his wife were pleasant to be around. It was a positive meeting experience.  After he moved, we gradually communicated less and less. He divorced his wife. We remain FB friends.

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I met “J” through my sister. He was an admin on an anime forum. He basically helped give me emotional support through my struggles in freshman year in college while I battled loneliness and adjustment. He eventually found better employment somewhere and married a woman. Our communication dissipated quite a bit. Those phases of friendships come and go.

Being a part of that anime forum lead me to connect with a lot of other online people out there. Everyone was fairly around the same age, young and clueless about life with no obligations. I easily rose to awareness and attention by being sisters with a former moderator.  I posted my picture, and a lot of the male users complimented me and wanted to get to know me more.  One of those people stood out to me as far as being an amusing friend goes. And here I embarked on some sort of journey with Tom. 

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He was rather notorious on the forums, a bigshot member who posted frequently and was able to instill humor and witty jokes here and there.  I was impressed by his boldness and charisma.  We started out as friends. He became jealous of me when I went through that FWB phase with Dave. Eventually it lead to me being more than friends after a while. I clung to Tom when the whole Dave friendship failed. I just wanted someone to care about me and be there for me emotionally.  I wanted some substance. I wanted to have a boyfriend. I felt like I could be a “good girl” and hold off on sex. I didn't want to be a slutty girl who slept around with a lot of men, so I used this online relationship as some justification for me to force me to be more pure.

 I’ll also note that I was a stupid, naive, dumb girl who fucking webcammed for this guy when I didn’t have a fucking clue what he looked like. I just wanted attention and the shit. I wanted someone to revere in my body and appearance.

It’s always exciting and interesting discovering and talking to new people. You become flattered at the person they seemingly are. You see how amazing and confident they are.  As you get to know them more, you discover the darker side of the person. And that is what happened.

We would have minor arguments here and there that eventually did resolve.  It was an emotional struggle, but sometimes the arguments made us feel closer after the resolution. He had several red flags that I should have paid attention to. He was controlling, he was socially withdrawn from other people, he had no close real friends who he maintained a consistent communication with, he was antisocial in the real world, he also would talk about physical workout regimens but he was always reluctant showing pictures or videos of him.  But somehow despite all that shit, I was somehow convinced otherwise that he is a good and caring person that was genuinely caring about me.  That’s what I wanted right, someone to care about me?  

I had to go through a ton of bullshit with him. I was frustrated about how I was the only one who cammed, and I couldn’t even see or hear shit from his side. He made fucking excuses where he was unable to cam or talk on phone more often.  Typing this entry is also making me feel angry and disgusted as shit.  

It was like a 3 and a half year pseuedo relationship.  We messaged each other online everyday, getting into a routine of “hi, how are you etc”. And then we complain about random stuff to each other. It got to a point where I was all, “hi, when are we going to meet?”  I finally had an apartment, but he had issues with finances, no car, still living with parents.  I felt awkward if I had to drive there to meet him first. I shouldn’t be the one to go there and fucking meet him first anyway.  I already did my part by camming to him the first time. What a bastard.

Anyway, I felt like I was struggling. I told him that we shouldn’t label ourselves as BF/GF anymore. We are just friends. He took it with some difficulty, but agreed. Eventually we phased out the *kiss* in our closing statements at bedtime. Even as just friends, I felt all weird and smothered by him. It was an unfulfilling friendship that didn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I was also talking to an online guy (MMO) dude that I probably wrote an entry in a couple months back.  That MMO guy bailed out on me and didn’t seem interested in maintaining friendship with me.  MMO guy lived in Oklahoma, and I wanted to meet him too. 

Whenever I saw the new pics that Tom finally decided to show me, I was pissed and disappointed. I guess I was lying to myself thinking that he would somehow miraculously drastically change his appearance from the old 2006 photo that he showed me first.  He was sort of slightly overweight and his facial expression was that of apathy, boredness, blankness, no smile.   It was like the way he described himself in words was that of a lie compared to his actual appearance. I was lied to in a way, or deceived, or I just tried to ignore shit in the beginning and have some sort of blind hope it wasn’t true. 

I tried to give him a chance, but I suppose the physical aspect became a point to where it was starting to be more of a turn off.  I also just felt bored of him. There was nothing new in his life. He didn’t seem to have any goals or passion in his life for anything.

So yeah, throughout all this, I’m so fucking sexually frustrated and deprived  a 3 year dry spell.  I hate this idea of being faithful or devoted to someone who would never be there for me in person. There’s always that talk of someday we will meet, just wait, it will happen.  3 years of this talk and still nothing happened. I got that emotional support and attention, but I realized that I needed both- physical and emotional needs met.  It was time to say, G’bye. 

 And that’s when I met Andy in January.Tom was pissed I met Andy and just.. had sex with him on the first date.  It was unexpected and he felt like he was betrayed. But I told him, we aren’t even BF/GF anymore, no need to be worried. Somehow he felt like he had some sort of entitlement. 

I probably could have. Should have? Given him some warning as far as “hey, I’m talking to this guy and am going to go on a date with him”. kind of thing.  I probably treated him like shit. But there wasn’t any obligated rule for me to be devoted or faithful.  I don’t want to be held back. I want to do what I want. In some way, I may have used Andy as far as trying to make a stepping stone to get away from Tom. I needed to cut the strings off and tie off any lose ends. 

Tom and I discussed things further. He eventually understood what I was going through and agreed to give me space. He wanted to still see me. He wanted to still be my friend. I still felt constricted and smothered. I kept him on FB, but I wasn’t going to go on MSN anymore. He made several comments on my FB activity and feeds. I was beginning to get annoyed and pissed off at his slight actions that weren’t trying to be harmful or intimidate me.  He still tried to cling to me sometimes sending a random mail once a couple of months or weeks of self reflection.  Of course I would respond back in some manner. I told him I didn’t want to be angry all the time whenever he tried to post stuff to me. I told him that I was going to remove him from my friends list and block him.  We still have each other’s email if he wishes to contact me randomly.

I wonder if this is all considered running away.  But I feel better about myself. I feel like I can focus on myself in the real present world.  I am more away from being glued to the internet.  I appreciate Tom’s friendship and care about me. I did care about him more too at some point.  I learned several things about myself throughout the whole process. One lesson I learned was to never do online relationships again or even online friendships for that matter too.

There is so much to do and experience in the real world: meet and hang out with local people, go to places and engage in fun activities, eat with people and share stories with people in real time. Seeing their smile, seeing their humorous antics in person, and also feeling their touch in person is something that words on a screen simply cannot replicate.

After having my first boyfriend/real relationship, I felt like those 3 years talking to Tom I was missing out on a lot of things.  Even though I feel shitty about being sucked into that 3 year confusion and mess, it was still a valuable experience. I sometimes look back and imagine the pain and sadness I have inflicted on Tom. I gave him false hope and crushed his hope and anticipation.  At the same time, I need to worry about and focus on myself more.  Sometimes we all need a harsh reality check about life.

[incognitowetrust]

WIP stuff I’m still doing,

but I’m throwing down what I got so far because I’m lazy. 

Because... you know... world building, I always make a surplus of background characters. Captain Pop is fond of his crew, so I don’t want it to be a whole bunch of faceless nobodies, there needs to be a handful of people who are actual named people with designs and characteristics that set them apart from one another. 

Originally I was gonna make a post after I got more of the crewmates designed and drawn, but it was taking a really long time and I was kinda dragging myself down, so you’ll just have to see more of the crew another time. 

But at least I got a few of them done. I tried to make a “size reference” to try and think about the exact scale each character is to one another, idk, I guess this looks about right. 

I may or may not give Tamper some color alterations in the future, like, I could have given her a skin texture, or spots or something, but I didn’t have the attention span for it at the moment. 

Tamper- She’s someone who’s known Pop longer than most, in fact, she usually calls him “Poppy”, and she kinda has an unspoken authority over newbies. She has a tall, slim build, and her fighting style is kinda like... a dancey jabby thing.

She’s not scared of much, and generally has a sassy, playful tone. She might tease people a lot, but never anything that would be mean-spirited. 

Originally, she was a mercenary long ago. 

 Tbh one of her defining traits is a mixture of two things, the Croagunk that would poison-jab Brock and knock him out as a running joke, and that one gal from The Last Airbender who could temporarily paralyze people. Yeah, just kinda stole that for Tamper, she jabs people with her weird hands and feet and wherever she hits, that part of the person’s body will go numb and limp.

She much prefers to sucker-punch and dart off than to brawl purely based on brawn. She’s very quick, and can be a tricky opponent if she’s able to move around a lot, but if she’s cornered and in a small space she might be in trouble. 

Tamper has been around long enough to have witnessed Soft grow up. She’s kinda like his... sassy lesbian aunty.     

Kumara- I wanted to make a character that looked like he could be the same race as Dodoria, because Dodoria is lorge and friend-shaped. And it’s good to put love and affection into characters that aren’t always stereotypically cute. 

Another long-time crew mate. He works as a cook, and due to being around so long he’s also someone who has a certain level of authority. Due to the amount of people who call The Patched Chimera (the name of Pop and Starlight’s big ol’ ship) home, he’s not the only cook on board. 

He’s got quite a temper, and it’s best not to do stupid shit in “his” kitchen that might get someone hurt, or waste food. His temper might give a first impression that he’s mean and scary, but he’s really not. Soft grew up talking to Kumara about his feelings when he wasn’t always comfortable sharing them with Pop, and Soft became a good cook because he enjoyed helping Kumara out in the kitchen and learning from him. 

Puru- She started out in life as a bit of a rough-and-tumble delinquent and drifter.

 In the past, she once snuck onto a spaceship without paying to be there in order to stowaway and pretty much get easy-travel, but she was found out, and since she couldn’t pay to be there “properly”, she was put to work as a janitor. Puru was paired up with an elderly janitor named Umqua, so someone could oversee her work and keep an eye on her while Puru was on the ship. Umqua was a pretty no-judgey sort of person who was actually pretty used to young people who got into trouble, and even though they didn’t end up knowing each other for long, she finally had a reason to warm up to someone. 

However, the ship had a nasty encounter with pirates, ones that were either from Veal’s crew, or from the crew that would become Veal’s crew (time-wise I’m not 100% sure on when the event would line up to when Veal killed the original Captain and was like “I’m the Captain now” and everyone just went with it) ransacked the ship and attacked people. Umqua managed to hide Puru before the pirates got to them, fearing what might happen to her if she were found. The pirates had figured out Umqua was hiding someone, but he did not give her away, and wound up killed for it. 

Naturally, Puru has a grudge against Captain Veal’s men. At some point, she joined Pop’s crew. 

She doesn’t particularly like to be outwardly affectionate towards others, but she’s come to really care about people. Puru has a habit of latching onto people and fussing over them, and may give the impression of being annoying and bossy, but really she’s just very protective, and has made it a personal goal of hers to not be “weak”, and guard the well being of people she likes. 

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Okay, y’all, I’ll have to come back with more crew mates next time. I’ll rush the descriptions for now, but here are crew mates that have a name and that I plan on drawing sometime... sometime... don’t rush me, I’m a snail. 

Clicker- A guy who barely talks, and doesn’t really have much interest to socialize with people, but Pop likes him. When he joined, he took his “dogs” with him, and so the ship has big ol’ good bois. 

Snick- Clicker’s waifu. Smol round stout lady. Heals wounds and likes to help plants grow. Talks a little more than Clicker, but is still pretty quiet. 

Anesco- A young man who grew up on The Patched Chimera, under the care of his mother, Imoya, and without being able to communicate with his father (Nesco) much, on account of the father being on The Frieza Force, and Imoya also having mixed feelings about that. Anesco sees Pop as a fatherly figure, and is always trying to prove himself to him. Anesco is about the same age as Gelato, and can be considered his non-icejin cousin. 

Chaiv- A young child who was taken in, because otherwise might have ended up pretty bad off. Being so young, they have difficulty knowing how to use their ki responsibly, as well as needing to simply get used to it, and their power is already pretty decent. They probably won’t grow up to be OP, just, you know, kiddo had a head start. Chaiv is too young to be left alone unattended in case they accidentally hurt themselves or others, or get into other trouble due to the young age. 

[one-artwork-at-a-time]

Day 1: Relearning to draw

So... here we are again :)

I bought a smaller pentab earlier this month, and it bugs me that I buy things then I don’t use them as much, like the other pentab I have (it’s super big and I’ve been meaning to sell it). 

Earlier this morning while just watching stuff on youtube, this came up to my recommended, and i started to watch it:

this made me more interested in re-learning how to draw the proper way. and realizing that I could be a little bit more patient now than before, and I’ve grown to value how important structure is (on all things), maybe I’ll give it a try. 

also decided to post every time I practice so I have a sort of documentation. 

also let’s take note that there are things I want to commit right now, but I have a lot of difficulty of really doing them as a routine type of thing. aside from there are so many things I’d need to do, sometimes I’ll resort to just...  resting or not doing anything. but i’m trying to improve that. and by starting to practice, I could actually use my pentab more now.

so here goes..

DAY 1

I’m into a lot of BTS lately, especially JIN, so even if I feel that Angel Ganev won’t really be agreeing with my choice of model (cause Jin has soft details compared to Angel’s model photos), I went for it :))

but I’ve downloaded his brushes so I could also feel what he was explaining about types of brushes he uses.

like what he explained, having to practice the basics are the most important part. when I went a couple steps ahead and tried to make the initial face structure, I was really frustrated (but not surprised) that my circles and lines are really really crooked. like, ugh what is this garbage.

so I set the face aside and practiced my lines...

when I felt that my hand is a little bit more flexed now (not nearly so but at least enough for me to do something today), I tried it again...

HAHAHA!!! I couldn’t even continue the freehand part!!

so basically the left side, I was to identify the structure, proportion, and a bit of the perspective there, of Jin’s head. then i was to try to sketch freehand on the right side, the same structure i traced on the left. 

right here, even I could identify what needed to be improved: my lines, my proportions, and my confidence. and maybe my workstation too hahah.

I tried it again.

so this was a little better... although the side of his face is a bit thicker than it was meant to be.. at least I had the capacity to continue it, and be it not just a box, but it to had lines, and even circles. 

but even before I am to continue, i need myself to be comfortable to do this kind of structure-building, automatically. i need it to be in my system. so i forced myself to not continue this and instead, do some more of this in the next days.

But... hahaha I have failed :)) though instead of continuing this, just to satisfy my impatience, I tried to draw as to how I think I could draw him, with my current skillset on drawing (which i barely have hahaha). maybe show like a before and after (oh I so hope I improve T__T). So this is day 1:

the right one is I tried to draw guides from Jin’s original photo, so I could level his lips, eyes, etc. and then just draw how I wanted. I still drew some of the guides like the box, etc. what I got was a slanted version of his head, and an anime styled eyes (like dragon ball hahaha)

and then on the left, I did a guide I learned when I was in college, and I was drawing cartoons then. I discovered some things while I was doing this version though that did surprise me. how you can manipulate lines to make the overall look like, cartoons or caricatures, and still make it somehow retain the person’s features. I know it may not surprise many of you, especially for those who really draws as a hobby or for a living, but for me, having to do it and to experience it for myself is really... interesting.

so that’s it really. here’s to hoping for Day 2!

[alysaalban]

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Reiki Therapy Books

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Can Reiki Cure Autism

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[arbitrarycogitation]

Focus

Might delete. :)

A lot of people are stuck at home nowadays. Students, workers, parents, whoever you are, I hope you’re okay in there. This post is mostly about how I am trying to be as productive as possible while constantly being home.

Focusing and memorizing will never be my thing. Yes I can focus for some time, yes I hyperfocus sometimes. And yes I do remember a lot of thing and yes I can grasp and remember certain concepts quickly. But. Sitting down and doing something for more than 90 minutes? No thanks. Memorizing a poem, speech or words that might save me “later in life”? What’s the point. Why can’t we as a society accept that there are people who can’t adhere to certain conditions? Why is it so hard to understand that some things aren’t meant to be done the same way over and over again? Patterns are amazing and our world will crumble without it but it’s not the way of teaching young minds into remembering the different functions of a rubber duck. Some people can recite a poem and knows them by heart just like that, others need to act it out. Some might need props and some might need to write and draw it on a medium. Some people might deem it important and remember it for life and others will forget the poem because it’s not relevant anymore to them.

My point is. It’s okay to be different, to do things differently. Being stuck at home made me realize that if I want to be productive, I would need to feel comfortable with my “schedule” first. You might be thinking, I’ve always done it like this and that while I’m in school or work, and I’ve never had any problems or stress about how things are done. If you are having difficulties now, it’s not your fault. Maybe the way of the school or work was not for you, personally. I’m not saying you need to quit or do anything drastic, I’m saying it’s okay to change your routines, and do things a bit more your way. I know some people are saying you have to mimic your working station in order to be more productive, but some might agree that, well, you ARE at home, why not be a bit comfy? Working at one “station” might be the way of some people, but wanting to move around is perfectly fine too. Personally, I need to stay in one place in order to get some work done, but I also need to take a break whenever I finish one task (because if I take a break in the middle of doing something I will lose all motivation to do said task). Nowadays I try to work my study time around my online classes and make sure I have enough time to take care of myself. The number one thing I priotize in my “schedule” these days is when to stop. I limit myself to 10pm. If it’s past 10pm I will try to stop myself from working and wind down for the night. So far I haven’t had any problems with it, even though sometimes I need to keep working for a bit because I procrastinate earlier. Schedules are your guides, but it’s okay to stray once in a while.

Because I’m bored and I’ve been watching one too many day-in-a-life youtube videos, I’ll guide you to the day-in-a-life of yours truly, me. Stop reading here if you think this will be pointless, most of them are tmi about myself anyways.

So I wake up depending on the online classes I have that day? My earliest is 7am and my latest is 10am. I try to sleep earlier but nothing is working for me (fyi I sleep around 1am-3am? Bad? No? Idk honestly, at least I’m getting decent hours of sleep?). I check my phone for messages and the things I have to do today (I use google calendar and google keep, nothing too complicated) and I shower because. Force of habit? After that I try to snack on something and drink something hot while I get my electronics and papers ready for the day. If I have a class in the morning I’ll do the class and organize my notes right after because I’ll forget everything if I don’t do it, then I’ll eat lunch. But if my classes are in the afternoon or evening I’ll study until 1,5-2 hours before the class. I found studying right after a shower super effective, maybe because at this point it’s still early in the day. In this case I typically have my meal before class, because being hungry in class is not fun and I feel bad snacking in the middle of online class. I’m an anxious and shy person by nature (even though sometimes people can’t tell, it’s okay, my gotta-be-social overdrive is quite powerful) so I have to literally prepare my mind for the class, oh and maybe read the things we might learn that day, while checking my social media, and replying people. After the classes I’ll chill for maybe 1 hour and if I still have time before 10pm I’ll do some homework or notes. If I finish class at 8 or 9pm I just, chill. Play some games, write my journal, watch some videos and get ready for bed. I study with some music because I concentrate better that way? It forces me to concentrate on the thing I’m doing but also, remind me to not be too tense. Something like “there’s music playing! How bad can this thing be?”. But of course, sometimes I don’t study at all, sometimes I play animal crossing one too many hours and end up praying I’m not late for class, sometimes I need to call my friends and push studies for later, so this “routine” really depends on the circumstances of the day. For me, at least. Truthfully, I’m still behind on my notes and I haven’t found any time to work on my personal projects, but I’m trying to not freak out too much because I know that the workload nowadays are somehow increasing? Teachers out there please do not give more work, I need to build my town in animal crossing and get that land shaping tool. And yes the undone work are ungraded but it’s still “work” I need to do at some point. Wish me luck. I wish you all luck too, breathe, chill, shower, eat snacks. Oh and, this is just me ranting, please do not feel the need to follow whatever is written here in any way and manners. You do you, what works for me, might be disastrous for someone else. With that, thank you for reading, but no, I’m not done yet. Feel free to continue to this next part.

Things I try to avoid:

1. Too many news

2. Snacking (I’ll focus on the snack more than my work)

3. Doing one thing for too long, my limit is 3 hours max.

4. Why you might ask. So I don’t put too much stress on myself? “Taking a 10, 30 minutes break is okay”

5. My phone, and by extension, the internet.

6. Too much coffee.

7. Napping on the desk

8. I think that’s it? Thank you for reading. Stay safe everyone. Oh and feel free to message me if any of you need to talk to someone. (Just saying hi is ok too :D)

Bai.

[fumbliesthots]

2019 - Year in Review

Hello, tumblr journal, long time no see. While you were away I was having rendezvous with 2 other journals - Notion (for work thoughts) and my exercise book (for personal mundane reflections). But you probably already guessed it.

But you see, I always will come back to you because we made a pact to see each other at least twice a year, isn’t it? On June 19 and Dec 31.

So you would like to interview me about what I’ve been up to this year? Oh how kind! There are quite few people in this world is interested in little old me, hee.

1. What are your favourite memories this year?

Tele and phone calls from Jappu. Janchan and I have grown in our friendship this year surprisingly despite her being away for such a long time. I have learnt that long distance friendship is kinda fun (in fact when she was coming back home I was even a bit upset)!

Travelling with Jessi laoniang is always a treat. She is entertaining in her unassuming and authentic ways and I enjoy her cheerful company.

The monthly Kampung Sketching sessions. It’s really cool to see Lingsan overcome her fear of hosting events and now she is a pro. And to see people coming to the kampung for the first time and drawings of the kampung in so many different interesting angles.

2. What trips have you made this year and what were some highlights?

i) Prague work trip with Lulu and Claire - Snow sledding in the mountains, and going to a Czech police station to report a scam, hanging out with chor and gary after work.

ii) New Zealand with the family - Breathtaking mountain views, hiking in the rain in full gear, and skydiving over the glaciers.

iii) Beijing IXDC trip with Jess - The making of our fried chicken MV was so much fun! And eating 小龙虾，鸭脖 and beer at midnight at the hostel corridor.

iv) Boxmeer/Prague/Bruges - Business trip by myself for the first time was kinda liberating, and also getting to visit Eos in Brugge again.

v) BKK UX Savvy trip with the team - boring conference but awesome company. 5am clubbu gymmy and brekki with meowchan.

vi) JB with Lulu and Jan - making up silly animal stories, shiok Thai massage, being tickled at their new hair transformations, and interesting Grab/JB customs adventure to end it off.

3. What is the biggest change you noticed about yourself this year?

I noticed ever since taking on this role in Design Operations, I started to come out of my shell a bit more, wanting to take care of my colleagues and doing things to make sure they are happy at work. Despite being an introvert, I realised I enjoy socialising with people and making people feel comfortable. And i have also become a bit more assertive and confident in things that I believe are right to do.

4. What was the biggest challenge you had to face this year?

Politics at work busted my idealistic bubble. I was a bit upset when I heard stories of people fighting and competing with each other... just for promotion, raises and recognition. Isn’t it ridiculous? But perhaps to survive in the corporate world I have to just do my best and accept that this is normal but try not to get sucked into all the negativity.

Just stay on course, remember what you are here for - to help people solve their problems, and give it your all! Ego is the enemy.

I also learnt that sometimes my happy-go-lucky attitude doesn’t work well on everyone, and might even offend people who takes things very seriously. I need to be careful about that. But it is a tough habit to kick, because sometimes I can get slightly antsy when someone around me is in a bad mood and I don’t know why, and I would want to do something to neutralise that mood.

5. Read any good books?

Ever since I got Libby, I have been devouring new books every month, and I am learning so much! The most impactful to me this year is probably The Power Of Moments by Chip and Dan Heath. And the second one is also by the same author, Switch. These 2 books made me understand more about human psychology and how to motivate people to do things.

Other special mentions are Radical Candor (about how being brutally honest and caring personally is important) and Never Split The Difference (a book on negotiation). I learnt so much from these books that I even made nerdy ppt slides to share them with my friends, forcing them to sit through my presentations, heh. Poor things.

6. Any people you’d like to thank this year?

I can never thank my parents enough for all the things they provide me, so this top spot will always be saved for them. Although they always nag at me, and never emotionally expressive, the things they do for my siblings and I is really unconditional love.

As usual, my UX family whom I spend perhaps even more time than my actual family. This has been a year of experiments and emotional up and downs. But I feel we have learnt and grown a lot together as a team.

And all my friends. Who taught me so many things through their life stories and inspiring me to be better. Thanks to them, just a text, a call, or a meetup away, I am never lonely. (I sometimes do really wonder how that feels like!)

Ajahn Brahm. Hehe, this is a great monk that I have learnt a lot from and he probably has changed my life already. To be kindful, to be gentle, to be peaceful is to be happy.

7. What were some new things you tried this year?

5am club. Exercise regime. Brewing my own filter coffee. Getting more regular in short 15min sittings. Starting a work journal to reflect about things and people at work.

8. Name some of your favourite things of 2019

Ajahn Brahm’s dhamma talks - I always thought that I was a glass-half-full kind of girl but recently after getting hooked onto Ajahn Brahm’s stories on youtube, I became even more so. I also enjoyed repeating those stories to my friends, especially when I thought they could use some positivity to help them see their life difficulties from a different perspective. So much so that even my boss used one of the stories I told to tease me every time i made a very “evon” mistake. (Mmm... honey...)

Sodastream - I bought this for the family so that my brothers would stop buying unhealthy soft drinks. It worked! Mmm.. soda water.

Janchan’s morning challenges - thats how i started waking up early and getting productive in the mornings. But that girl does not follow through to her own challenges, tsk tsk.

Audrey’s life hack for bubble tea cup - use a silicone bag! I have amused many woobbee and each-a-cup aunties when i bring it to dabao my bubble tea.

9. What were your new year resolutions last year and how did you do?

Well well well. Let’s see.

1- Figure out how to be a leader: I am learning a lot just by observing the way boss does things. I hope he can be our leader in many years to come so I will always have the privilege to learn from him.

2 - Being more articulate and assertive: In some ways I realised I have subconsciously learned to do that in situations that requires me to do so. And the trick is just to do it with humble confidence.

3 - Plan more and be less slipshod about things: Hmm... as an operations lead I suppose I should feel guilty about not working on this more. But as I have learnt from a very wise monk, too much planning is futile sometimes, and may cause unnecessary stress on yourself and others, hehe. I kid. I will carry this rezzo forward to next year.

4 - Being more caring with my parents: Still working on it. And sometimes I will tend to fall into my old habits of silent avoidance, especially when they start nagging. But I think this year I have tried being more attentive to their needs, and talking more.

5 - Continue staying healthy: I think I’m doing pretty well in this, especially since starting to wake up super early. I have more time to workout physically with my simple exercise regime, as well as mentally through short meditation sittings and journal writing.

10. Rezzos for 2020 to start the year off of?

1 - Continue working on trying to care more for my parents, and take on more responsibilities regarding household stuff. Make them less worried that their kids can’t be independent without them.

2 - I want to try writing, and develop my own voice. As I learn more about leadership and being human, I thought should document this journey in someway so that perhaps it could help someone else one day on a similar path too.

3 - I’m surprised I didn’t mention anything about money in last year’s post. That is something I’ve always be clueless about. And today I made a ditch attempt to be more “adult” by getting a credit card, so that I can get more interests out of my bank... or something. Yeah, ok I will try to learn more about this finance thing in 2020!

4 - Find a new personal project that can give me a belly burning feeling, that is not work related. Ok la, maybe no need belly burn, just a mild tingle also can. Something that I would be excited to work on for at least a couple of months.

5 - What’s that thing about being less slipshod again? 🤔

[kiki-tart-blog]

Hello everyone ! I thought making this post will help break the ice for those who are new to my account. It can help others understnad me a little bit more, and help with what I mainly want for this account's future!

first off,

I am very new to tumblr, and to tumblr rping. I've only really been used to places like instagram, and though I am comfortable with public roleplays, I heavily prefer to stick to just one on one. I will be ok with doing a public rp, however, if that is what you prefer. There are terms that I have seen being used on here with public rpers, so please forgive me if I don't quite understand them. Again, I'm new to tumblr, so the terms won't click for me at first.

second off, I have an anxiety disorder that should probably have some light shined upon. I have issues with bringing myself to respond or talk to people, and if I get close to said people, I have anxiety issues with waiting for them to respond. If I, at any point in time, seem like I am rushing you, pushing you, or making you any slight of uncomfortable or annoyed, please DO NOT hesitate to tell me. While I do suffer from GAD, and it is a big issue for me, I am constantly trying to cope with this. I'm really sorry if it causes any problems - telling me right away is the quickest way to try and help me fix the issue. I also apologize if I happen to be very socially akward - this is also a part of the whole anxiety disorder. I have difficulty approaching people first about things, and it makes it very hard for me. I will always try and force myself out of that shyness, but please understand that if I like/reblog/follow and don't send any messages, it's because I'm very very anxious about it and I'm trying my hardest to try and work up the courage to message you. I apologize for any inconvenience.

Third, This account will not only be an rp account, but an art account, too. I am currently in the works with a BNHA fan comic called "Boku No Hero Academia: Mirrors" , or just "Mirrors" for short. A lot of mini comics, one shots, short paragraphs, character informations, headcanons, and just about anything else you can think of involving my characters and maybe a few other BNHA OCS will be often posted to this account. However, please do not be suprised if I post every now and then other art - I am planning on making a main blog to post stuff like that onto.

Fourth, any and all characters on here are still being developed. Maiku, however, is my most developed character, and not many changes will be added to her, whereas my characters like Houdini, Ben, Ashita, and Kichirou are still majorly under construction. CONSTRUCTIVE critism and ideas to help improve these characters are very much appreciated, as I mainly do the smoothing out of these characters through roleplay. I appreciate your time and patience in the help of developing these characters more.

fifth, I DO Have an oc x canon shipping within this account. If you do not like that, that is ok, you don't have to follow or like my stuff. However harrassment will result in a block. I'm sorry. I just want to have fun with this story and with this ship, and I hope that the people who enjoy it as much as I do will have fun as well!

sixth, please do not hesitate to reach out to me to do an rp! I love roleplaying , so very much, and would adore any chance that I get to rp with anyone! However, I am relatively picky with who I roleplay with, and all I ask is that you are experienced, and are at least 3rd person semi to advanced literate. This is the style I very much prefer. Thank you for understanding !

Alright! So that's basically what I wanted to cover when it came to important things. Now, for some little icebreaker facts about the mod, Briar, AKA me, to help me feel more relaxed with this blog !

1. I had a dog at one point in time named Jasmine and she was my literal child I loved that dog 2. I am an animator, and roleplaying severely influences my art and animations! 3. I am a huge fan girl so I apologize if 90% of my blog is filled with Izuku oops 4. I LOVE to draw 5. I work myself to death 6. I live for music and my spotify is currently filled with I believe 832 different songs right now? 7. I'M CUTE AS A BUTTON at least I like to believe that o o p s 8. I'm actually really really REALLY friendly, past my shy exterior, I promise ! I'm very upbeat and outgoing, once I'm in my comfort zone. My anxiety tends to make me look a hell of a lot more proffessional than I really am, I promise i'm cool and laid back ! 9. I never sleep I'm a literal vampire oops 10. My birthday is St. Patties day ! two days after Bakugou's mother's bday fUN FACT HAHAHA

Well, I hope that helped with getting to know me a little better! I'm sorry if I seemed a little uptight, I'm just very,,, awkward, haha. I hope to be able to make great memories here ! Thanks !

[future-self-journey]

Mount Post-Mortem

Tools Used

First things first, I use pencil and paper to sketch out all of my concepts.

For the modeling part, since I learned to use Maya at school back in 2012, I’ve decided to continue on that way for this project.

Photoshop was a pretty obvious tool choice for me for painting the texture.

During my time working on my project I discovered 3D Coat, and decided to include it in my process since it is super super efficient for uv mapping and texturing.

Finally I used Maya to render some high resolution images of the mount, and then I uploaded the project on Sketchfab.

Complementary tools used :

Huge amount of WoW references : to take inspiration from already existing mounts in the game in order to get closer to Blizzard’s style and to understand how they make textures.

Youtube/CubeBrush : a lot of tutorials about modeling animal anatomy, about painting materials.

ArtStation and Sketchfab 3D-models : to understand better construction of the wire-frame and topology.

Maya plug-in “UV Nightshade” : it could help a lot organizing your uvs in maya.

Process

Concept idea, inspirations and intentions : I have been an avid WoW player for years and am constantly inspired to create artwork based off of the game’s lore. Ever since I started studying game art I’ve always wanted to make assets for World of Warcraft but never took the time or felt ready for it.

This exercise provided me the opportunity to create an asset from concept to final presentation within an art style I have always admired.

In order to create the best concept I could, I took the time to gather images that I could use as references and draw inspiration from. I gathered images of Shadowmoon Valley (vegetation, Draenei and orcs props), about cartoonish fox illustrations and real anatomy sketch of foxes and deers.

After that I made a reference image with my main inspirations :

Then I started to sketch a bunch of ideas for the mount, trying to not choose the final design too early. The more iteration you make, the stronger your final choice will be.

After creating several varied conceptual drawings, I created a more detailed sketch of the chosen drawing, keeping in mind that I could let myself change it if I thought of a better idea afterwards.

After creating the initial sketch, I created a basic colored version to test the composition. I didn’t want to waste time getting bogged down on small details that might change later.

Modeling in 3D : I started by making a block out for the body, and then adding the props on it. I worked on all the pieces a little bit at a time to make sure the proportions matched up well. Watching Youtube tutorials also helped me when creating the body since this was the first time I have modeled something animal related.

What methodology I will use next time :

Make a block out for the entire project

Check volume/sizing according to your modelsheets or your concept reference,

Add Detail once to every part of the model, but keep an eye on your polycount,

If your polycount allows it, add detail a second time on more important parts of the model.

UVs mapping : UV mapping can often be a long and drawn out process for some people. After some testing, I found that using 3D Coat’s UV unwrap tools was definitely the easiest method to use. I switched between 3D Coat and Maya’s UVs editor while painting the texture. At this time I also decided to add the halo part on the horns and the legs (last minute idea).

Texturing : The texturing process was a little messy for this project. I spent too much time focusing on the color and details of individual props instead of the harmony of the entire model. After a few missteps I was able to find a process that worked well and completed the texturing. Even after the model completion, I was able to gather the feedback that I had received online so that the next model I create will be even better.

What methodology I will use next time :

Make a greyscaled base, 

Insert details (still in greyscale) and check the contrasts,

Add the ambient occlusion,

Add color gradient layers for every distinct materials in the texture,

Add details as beams of lights and reflection on metal material.

Rendering and exporting to Sketchfab : Considering the mount is shadeless (because the lighting and shadow information is painted in the texture), it was pretty quick to set the render up in Maya and in Sketchfab . The final model has the following textures : 

I made a kind of a turn-over thing in Maya in order to have high resolution images of it for my portfolio. Since there were no light and the texture was 2K px, they were quick to do.

Sketchfab viewer link : 

https://sketchfab.com/models/0f7d31106f4f44ecb01b04bbd750d811

What went right ?

The final result looks quite well like what I had in mind at the very beginning, even if I changed/added a lot of things along the way.

I was able to get pretty close to the style used in WoW and have high hopes that I will get even closer in future projects.

Since I didn’t give myself a deadline on this project, I can’t say I failed at timing, even if I think this project took me a LOT of time (about few month on it). But regarding the fact that I almost started from scratch (on a knowledge and technique aspect) and that I had to re-learn a lot of thing through the way, it was normal for me to take that much time.

What could have gone better ?

This project was the very first personal work/concept I’ve done after 4 years break, so I forgot a lot about technique, shortcuts and methodology like I said earlier. So in consequence there is a lot of stuff I could have done better/quicker, here are the main stuff that made the journey longer and harder to me :

Time management : at first I was splitting my time between several projects, so I worked only few hours per day on the mount, I think this distract me a little. Sometimes it is better to focus on one thing to be more efficient. I also went back and edited several assets after watching tutorials, which cost me additional time.

Methodology : That is the big black spot in that project, like I said, I forgot a lot about methodology and how to start a project. So it made me lose time on almost every step of the project.

Conclusion and Closing Remarks

This project was a big jump into questioning my skill level, knowledge (or at least what I remembered from school) and capacity to keep going despite the difficulties.

It was a huge learning/re-learning experience and even if there was mixed feelings along the way, and even if at the end there is a lot of aspects about this mount that could be perfected, it was a successful experience for me.

Why ? :

I got back into my habits in Maya. I even learned new shortcuts I didn’t know back at school. Being comfortable with your software is essential.

I learned to use new software which simplified my life so much and will on future projects.

It forced me to search for new techniques of painting and I now understand better how to make textures quicker and more efficiently.

It helped me trust my instincts and taught me that sometimes not all advice is good to follow, and to trust a little more what I’ve learned in school even if this knowledge might be considered old-fashioned now.

It allowed me to meet generous people in the art community, who gave me encouragement, feedback, tips and helped me get through it.

Thanks to all the folks that helped me, followed me, watched my streams along the journey that this project was. I hope this post will encourage some of you to keep going if you encounter difficulties achieving your goal.

The harder, the better the result will be ! Or at least you’ll learn something from it.

Images /Tutorials /Artist I used as references :

Ashleigh Warner’s work on Warlords of Draenor - https://www.artstation.com/artist/ashdoodles

Coloring with gradiant maps by Marc Brunet -  https://youtu.be/wUeQsUJTz8I

Model a dog by Jeff Slominsky - https://youtu.be/j5aFJzn-ZYQ

My Pinterest board : https://fr.pinterest.com/mhagnusgame/p-vall%C3%A9e-dombrelune/

You can follow me on and see more of my work on :

Twitter : https://twitter.com/MhagnusGame

Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/mhagnus_pauline/

ArtStation : https://www.artstation.com/artist/paulinep

DeviantArt : http://thegreenchick.deviantart.com/

Sketchfab : https://sketchfab.com/PaulinePouchtajevitch#

[hanasaku-shijin]

Ordinary Day

Series: Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon

Words: 2,868

Genres: Friendship-Romance, Hurt/Comfort

A/N: I just love these two so much. I had to write more for them. So I whipped up another fluff fic. I also have Valentine and Nightmare for these two idiots so far. 

Please reblog to help share the story, since there’s nowhere else to post it officially at this time!

 || Patreon || Commission info ||

-------------

Ordinary Day

For the most part, it's been another ordinary day in the Kobayashi household. 

Well, as ordinary as a day can get with a human who's living with two dragons in disguise, that is. 

But Kanna's had a good, easy day at school, and Tohru's done all of her chores and enjoyed an uneventful day at home without any unwanted visitors to interrupt everyone's personal space.

All in all, Kobayashi would've deemed today as a good day. 

She herself had gotten all of her work done, and she'd helped out several of her colleagues as well. She'd even gotten some of tomorrow's work done by some miracle, and the idea of having a little less pressure on her aching shoulders makes her smile now as she sits down at the kitchen table. 

“So, what's for dinner?” she asks, as per usual. 

Kanna scampers over and climbs up into her chair just as Tohru turns around with several plates full of food balanced on her arms, and a triumphant grin on her face.

“Tonight is a mini buffet! We have rice, pickled plums, and meat dumplings!” 

As she begins making her way to the table, the word 'meat' sets Kobayashi off immediately.

“What kind of meat is it?” She watches as Tohru's tail is revealed as she comes around the counter. Tohru instantly blushes and looks away.

“It isn't my tail this time,” she mumbles. 

Kobayashi narrows her eyes as she scans Tohru's green scales.

“Are you sure all of it's there? Even the tip?”

“It isn't my tail!” Tohru wails. “It's pork! Pork!” 

As she puffs out her cheeks in a pout, Kobayashi can't help but laugh.

“Sorry, sorry. I believe you.” 

Tohru pouts for a moment longer before she starts setting the food-filled plates onto the table.

“Here you go, Kanna.”

“Yaaay.” Though the little dragon's voice is monotone, she's genuinely excited for the food and starts digging in right away, though she still finds some difficulty in using chopsticks. 

Tohru makes her way around the table and places one dish in front of her mistress.

“And for you, Kobayashi-san~”

“Thanks. It looks good.” 

But as Tohru is putting down the plate,  a sudden jolt runs through her. The plate clatters noisily onto the table, and she nearly drops the third one she's holding as she stumbles slightly.

“Ah-” 

Her stomach knocks against the table, and if it isn't for Kobayashi's quick reaction to grab the table and steady it, the whole thing might've tipped over.

“W-Whoa!” Kobayashi drops her own chopsticks and reaches out with her free hand to grab Tohru's arm. “Tohru! What happened?” She can feeling her trembling now, just a little, but it’s enough to warrant concern. 

Tohru swallows, flashing a brief look to her, then away again.

“I-It's nothing. I’m sorry.”

“Ah, no. It's fine.” 

Kobayashi still isn't too good with these sort of things. She's not sure what to do. If the other person says not to worry, she doesn't know if she should trust that they're being honest, or presume they're trying to hide something.

She assumes Tohru falls into the former category, however, considering she's typically honest to the point of it being flinch-worthy. 

Then again, she's usually honest about what makes her happy. Troubling things, she tends to conceal... 

But for the moment, Kobayashi instinctively lets her go. Tohru does her best to regain her composure and straighten herself out again.

“S-Silly me. I almost got food stains all over Kobayashi-san's work clothes. Then I might not have been able to stop myself from cleaning them with my mouth.”

“We have a washing machine,” Kobayashi reminds her. “But in any case, sit down and eat your food. If you're feeling dizzy, that should help.”

“Right.” Tohru puts her own plate down and takes her seat. 

Kobayashi keeps an eye on her as they begin eating, and for the most part, things seem to have gone back to normal. Kanna talks about the day she's had at school, and Kobayashi offers a few tidbits about her own day. 

But Tohru stays quiet and almost unresponsive throughout the conversations this evening. The usual bubbly brightness that had been radiating from her earlier when Kobayashi had come home has now faded. She picks at her food without gusto, as though she's forcing herself. 

Kobayashi can tell something's still bothering her. She's trying to think of a way to ask about it when Kanna pushes her chair back.

“Finished. Thanks for the meal. Kobayashi, can I watch TV?”

“Hm? Ah, sure. Just keep the volume down.”

“Yaaaay.” 

Kanna hops off her chair and heads into the living room. Figuratively, Tohru jumps at the chance to abandon her meal.

“I'll begin washing Kanna's dishes.” 

But before she can make a move to get up, Kobayashi makes a move to stop her.

“Tohru. You've barely touched your food. Are you all right?” 

The dragon girl doesn't look at her directly.

“Yes. I-I'm just not very hungry all of a sudden...”

“Toh-ru.” 

The maid freezes in her place as she stands, still refusing to look at her mistress directly. Kobayashi notices she's holding onto her stomach. Evidently, Tohru isn't the type to be completely honest when something's bothering her. 

Slowly, Tohru begins turning her face and looks in her direction, though her eyes are trained on the plates. Kobayashi stands as well.

“If you're not feeling well, you have to tell me,” she instructs. “You're my maid, so that means I have to take care of you if something's wrong.” 

She waits for Tohru's reaction, watching her swallow nervously.

“It's nothing. I'll wrap up the food I didn't finish and you can take it to work tomorrow for lunch. I should do the dishes-”

“Enough of that.” Kobayashi cuts her off. Stepping closer, she puts a hand on her maid's shoulder. Tohru gasps softly, and her grip on her stomach tightens.

“Are... Are you mad at me...?” 

Kobayashi hums.

“Mm, not particularly. But it would be best if you'd just be honest about stuff like this. Especially when I ask you directly.”

“I'm sorry...”

“It's fine.” 

Kobayashi keeps her hand on Tohru's shoulder, partially to convey the implied support behind the gesture, and to actually support Tohru. She still seems unbalanced, and her breathing is a little hard. 

Kobayashi can feel small, prickling pains creeping beneath her own skin, something she realizes she's only ever felt when she's worried about Tohru. 

“So?” she prompts her. “Wanna tell me what's wrong?” 

Tohru bites her lip, nails curling into her uniform over her stomach.

“It's just... this old wound again...” 

Kobayashi had a feeling it might've been something like that.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes...”

“Enough to make you lose your appetite?”

“...Yes...”

“That's no good. You've gotta eat. Especially since you're a dragon.”

“I-I tried,” Tohru whimpers. “I don't want... any of the food we've spent your money on going to waste. But I just...”

“It hurts that much, huh?” 

Tohru nods. 

Kobayashi sighs. 

“Then you don't have to worry about the food, Tohru. Worry about yourself.” 

Tohru finally lifts her gaze to meet Kobayashi's. And Kobayashi can tell this is still new to her, having her wellbeing come first. 

“Let me guess,” she begins. “In the dragon world, it's survival of the fittest. And since you're one of the strongest dragons there is, there's never been a reason for anyone else to be concerned about you. If you showed weakness, they'd probably try to kill you, right?” 

Tohru's eyes widen, and her jaw drops just a little bit.

“Y-Yes. That's exactly how it is.”

“I see. But, Tohru-” Kobayashi pats her shoulder again, and offers a smile. “You're in this world now, remember? Here, not everyone can be strong all the time. It's okay to show weakness from time to time. We take care of each other.” 

With that much said, she watches Tohru's reaction. Her sunset-colored eyes begin to water, and when she tries to speak, her voice cracks.

“K... Kobayashi...san...” 

Kobayashi puts her arm around the small of Tohru's back and helps ease her away from the table.

“Come on. If you can't eat, let's go sit somewhere comfortable.” 

Slowly, she guides Tohru into the living room, where Kanna is all but glued to the TV. 

Kobayashi leads Tohru to the couch on the other side of the room. She can still feel Tohru trembling a little, and the girl hasn't let go of her stomach and side. 

Kobayashi knows Tohru isn't just playing it up, either. There were times when she might've acted this way for attention, but when she's really in pain, Tohru does her best not to let it be known. 

Must be a pride complex among dragons... 

They reach the couch, and Kobayashi helps Tohru down before taking a seat beside her. Tohru leans back heavily against the cushions, still holding onto her sore side. She closes her eyes and tries to slow her breathing. Kobayashi can't help but feel a surge of guilt run through her.

“I wish I could take you to a doctor or something,” she comments. “But I think there are a few things they'd notice, and that could cause problems.”

“It's okay,” Tohru mumbles. “It should be fine...”

“I thought the last time I asked you about it, you’d said it didn't hurt anymore? So what happened? Did you run into something and make it sore again?” 

Tohru shakes her head, opening her eyes wearily.

“No. Usually... it will start to hurt again if the god who impaled me is angered... or if he is drawing nearer to my location...” 

Kobayashi stiffens.

“That doesn't sound good. Is he coming after you?” 

Tohru shakes her head.

“No. He thinks he killed me. But it seems... my body still reacts to his presence somehow...”

“Mmm... I guess that makes sense. Sorry it hurts so much.”

“It's okay. Hopefully it won't last long.”

“But if it does, you have to tell me,” Kobayashi demands. “If you're still in pain tomorrow morning, let me know. That's an order.”

“Y-Yes, ma'am.”

“Good.” 

Satisfied, Kobayashi reaches up to pat Tohru's head gently. 

The dragon makes a sound somewhere between a sigh and a whimper, and leans into her touch. 

Kobayashi feels this is the least she can do for her. 

This, and perhaps one more thing.

 “I was worried, you know.”

“...Eh?” 

Blinking, Tohru looks to her, puzzled. Kobayashi reiterates.

“It scared me a little, seeing you like that. When you stumbled earlier, I didn't know what to think.” 

Obviously, she'd made it evident with her actions that she'd been worried about Tohru, and still is. But there's something oddly pleasant about being able to tell that person you’re worried about them.

 Clearly, Tohru is flustered by the confession.

“Y-You... were worried...?”

“Of course. You told me dragons can't get sick. So I thought something must be really wrong.”

“Oh... It's true that dragons can't contract bacterial illnesses and disease. But we aren't immune to food poisoning or the effects of an empty stomach. And there is... one sickness we are able to contract...”

“Oh? What's that?” 

Tohru dips her head, hiding her face in Kobayashi's shoulder.

“Lovesickness...” 

Kobayashi sighs heavily.

“Well, I guess that makes sense, though. Those aren't bacterial diseases, after all. It also makes sense that your body can still be negatively affected by something like an old wound being aggravated. That's only natural.”

“Yes...” 

Tohru doesn't move from her current position. She burrows her face into Kobayashi's shoulder more, her hand still gripping her side. Kobayashi smiles.

“In that case, lie down.”

“...Eh?”

“You heard me. Right here.”

 Tohru pulls herself away a little, so she can look up at her.

“B-But-”

“Your master gave you an order.”

“Y-Yes, ma'am!” 

With a bit of effort, Tohru draws her legs and tail up onto the couch, wincing whenever her injury bothers her. Kobayashi keeps a hand on her shoulder and helps her lie down, preventing her from rolling off the couch. 

Tohru is about to lie her head down on the couch's seat cushions. But Kobayashi gently stops her, and instead coaxes Tohru to rest her head in her lap instead. 

Naturally, Tohru turns red.

“K-Kobayashi-san! C-Can I-?”

“Just be quiet for a minute, would you? I told you to let me take care of you. Lie down.” 

A little nervously, Tohru does as she's told. She faces away from Kobayashi, being mindful of her horns, not wanting them to dig into her mistress' thighs. 

Kobayashi waits patiently for Tohru to adjust herself however is most comfortable for her, then rests a hand on the dragon girl's head.

“My mom always told me that lying down on your left side helps with stomach pains. Since your injury is on your right side, this works perfectly.” 

Tohru lets out a small breath.

“Your... mother told you that? How is it supposed to work...?”

“I dunno. It's probably just a placebo or something. But even when I got old enough to realize that, it still always seemed to work.”

“So... even mothers will lie to their own children to help them feel better?”

“Humans are strange, aren't we? But we do whatever we have to in order to take care of the ones we love.” 

After that, Tohru is silent for a long while. Kobayashi can't see her expression, but judging by the way her body has lost a bit of tension, she can assume Tohru is calming down.

“You should relax,” she advises her. “It won't help if you're stiff.”

“B-But... being in your lap like this-”

“Should make you feel calm, not anxious. I'm not gonna hurt you, Tohru.” 

She can hear Tohru whimper a little at that.

“I know...”

“Then relax.” 

To help, Kobayashi uses her left hand to continue patting Tohru's head, ruffling her bangs just a little bit. With her right hand, she reaches out to Tohru's injured side, and rests her palm lightly there. Tohru jolts a little, and a small gasp flies from her lips. 

Kobayashi berates herself. Shit!

“S-Sorry!” she says quickly. “I should've warned you first.”

“No... it's okay...”

“I thought massaging it could help,” Kobayashi reasoned. “But if it hurts, just tell me to stop.”

“Okay.” 

Once Tohru has gotten her bearings again, Kobayashi begins to rub her hand over her maid’s side. She kneads very lightly, running her fingers all around the sore area. She presses her palm in here and there, applying a very slight pressure, then eases off. She runs her hand down to Tohru's hip, then travels up as far as her ribs. 

All the while, she can feel Tohru gradually relaxing. Her breathing becomes slow and deep, and she doesn't flinch anymore. But just to be certain, Kobayashi wants to check.

“Tohru? Are you okay?”

“Y-Yes! It feels much better. Thank you, Kobayashi-san.”

“I'm glad.” 

Tohru does so much for her every day. The least Kobayashi can do is spoil her a little like this when she's hurt. 

So she doesn't stop her ministrations on Tohru, massaging her bad side with one hand and petting though her hair with the other. 

Kobayashi keeps her eyes on Kanna and on the TV ahead of her, and doesn't even notice until a while later that Tohru's fallen fast asleep in her lap. When she finally does notice, Kobayashi smiles.

“Guess she feels better. That's good.” 

She finally stops massaging Tohru, though she lets her hand rest on the dragon girl's side. There are times when Tohru grinds her teeth or tosses about in her sleep. But times like these, when her breathing is soft and her body is still, almost make her seem fragile. More like a human than a dragon. 

Kobayashi is content to sit here for a while longer, allowing Tohru the nap she deserves. 

She said dragons don't need to sleep. But I think living with me has made her want to. 

Evidently, Tohru isn't the only one. 

A moment later, Kanna abandons the TV, crawls across the floor, and climbs up onto the couch on Kobayashi's other side, nestling under her arm.

“Sleepy, sleepy...”

“Ah, well...” Kobayashi glances at the digital clock beneath the TV. “It's still a bit early. So a nap should be fine now, as long as we can all wake up later, brush our teeth and change, and then go to our bedrooms.”

“I can do it,” Kanna declares. “Nap now.” 

Kobayashi pats her head as well.

“Sure.”

“Kobayashi, nap too.”

“Well, I can't reach the remote, so I guess I might as well.” 

So Kanna cuddles up into her side, while Tohru continues to sleep peacefully, using her lap as a pillow. Kobayashi pulls them both in a little closer, ensuring neither of them will slip off. 

Damn... my legs are numb... 

But Tohru's sleeping far too deeply and peacefully for Kobayashi to even consider moving her. 

Ah, whatever. 

On her other side, Kanna's asleep in seconds. Kobayashi keeps an arm around her, then leans her head back against the cushions. She closes her eyes, and invites sleep to take her for a little while. 

I guess it was a pretty ordinary day...

[Fin]

[rainbowwriting-love]

A pain I will never understand

I have always had a lot of pain built up inside from depression and social anxiety, but compared with what is happening in my life right now, I have never experienced so much emotional pain that the physical pain actually is relieving. I had always been strong enough to harness it so that I would never get to that point. Same as how I am a passive suicidal, at least as of right now.

I never understood self-harm. I thought it was odd how someone can feel so much emotionally that harming themselves and feeling the pain of cutting or scraping actually helped.

I never understood it until I felt it. And still do. And still constantly think about.

It’s similar to what happens when a dog bites someone. Once they’ve bit a person once, they are more likely to do it again. Once you’ve self-harmed once, you are more likely to do it again.

So where did my pain start? Well, as I have discussed in previous posts, I have suffered depression on and off for 8 some years, and it has slowly increased in severity these past couple of years. My anxiety began as normal new-college experience but it developed into sever social anxiety. The fact that these two mental health issues are high in severity, they constantly battle each other, somedays one being stronger than the other. And only recently did I realize that taking caffeine before track meets had actually been negatively affecting me and holding back my performance at meets.

On top of this, my father suddenly was diagnosed with a rare stage 4 cancerous brain tumor. I immediately rushed home in shock. Everything since has truly gone downhill. All of my thoughts surround him and how different life has become since. He is not the same person anymore, considering it was in the frontal lobe. He doesn’t show his emotion the same and he has lost his filter entirely. Its hard on my mother mainly because she has to stay home to care for him and handle with basically losing her husband and 85% of our income. It seems that we will lose everything material-wise just to keep my father alive, and possibly including our home and my dog. He can’t leave the house as much with the exception of doctor appointments and his daily walks to get some sort of exercise in. he has not motivation and feels as though he isn’t fully there. He still shows his interest in my activities with school and whatnot, but somehow it’s different. It feels like I’ve lost my dad, as if he did pass away. And I miss him more than I ever thought.

It seems that since the start of my teenage years, I’ve grown more distant with my family, especially my parents. I thought going away to college would help, and it honestly did. I needed that time away from home but also still keep that constant contact. It seems that now I’ve grown so much closer to my mom than ever. I go to her with more issues I am dealing with and I feel as though I can trust her more. It makes me upset knowing that it took a trauma to bring my family closer together. It also proves the strength of my mom’s love for my dad more than anything.

 After the surgery, I went back to school and struggled to keep up. Spring break followed the week after, and it felt as though my life had completely fallen apart. I did chores and ran errands several times a day all day, leaving myself to feel lonely and empty inside. I knew I was helping, but something felt missing.

What was missing was my boyfriend. Sure, he had been there for me he day I received news about my dad, but he almost disappeared afterwards. No communication when I needed him most, no effort put into our relationship, let alone our friendship. Being that he lives a half hour from my house, I offered to even pick him up to go somewhere since I basically had my dad’s car for the time being. And he never took my up on the offer, despite saying he would. I tried to talk to him, but it would take him the whole day to respond and he never asked me how I was doing or how my dad was doing. Never a good morning, goodnight, what’s up, how are you, what are you up to, wanna go somewhere...just nothing. He barely kept our snapchat streak of 60+days going.

I thought nothing of it, assuming he was busy with friends or the fact that he was feeling sick at one point. So I made up excuses for his lack of communication, which I typically tend to do for people I care about. His distance didn’t seem clear to me until I tried to hang out with him and he dryly said no. Hell, we hadn’t even kissed or hugged in over 3 weeks. My friends decided to get me to talk about every red flag, and it became apartment that something was wrong with the relationship. Lack of communication, not ever going one a real date, and not effort on his side of the relationship anymore, especially in getting to actually know me. So that Wednesday, I decided to talk to him about it. I walked into his room and asked that typical question “What are we?”

I had no idea what was to come. For all I knew, he was feeling depressed or felt overwhelmed with it being the end of the school year. Maybe he was feeling shy and couldn’t find his courage to put effort into our relationship. All of the excuses and possibilities ran through my mind, and what he told me was shocking. So hurtful that I went numb and distanced myself from the situation as a defense mechanism.

“I don’t want to date you anymore.” Yep. That was his exact wording. Can you believe a college freshman would say that? It sounded to me like a middle school break up. He explained how his difficulty with communication with his last relationship made it hard for him. He examined how “the more he got to know me the more he saw me as a friend.” Right, like he really had tried to get to know me in the first place. He didn’t want to “half-ass the relationship” and make it seem to be purely physical (no sex I promise). He had lost his drive to put effort into the relationship. Into getting to know me. He didn’t feel like he was emotionally able to keep it up. As I left and as said “ya it’s ok” over and over, he said he would be ok and would get over it soon. He even used the “it’s not you, it’s me” cliché as well. Towards the end of our 2 hour talk, I found myself actually comforting him because he had felt bad and hated “disappointing me” (which he already had anyway). Why would I do that when he was the one breaking up with me?

What did he have to get over? Had he ever cared about me in the first place? How long had he known about his feelings towards “us”? Is it really because I have so much going on and have so many issues right now? Is it because I am always so busy? Is it because you don’t find me attractive the same way as before? Is that why you never compliment me as a SO should, the way that I do for you? Or is it because it was all about the chase and you just lost interest after achieving your “prize”, aka my heart, for a short period of time? Honestly I have so many more questions, but being that this was the first time anyone had ever broken up with me before, it being what I count as my first relationship, I can’t find the right words or the strength to ask. I felt trapped within my own niceness and left with soft smile, walking back to my room in numbness with no real closure. I had completely distanced myself from what was happening, and felt like i wasn’t even there. just that numbness was my only coping method.

I walked into my room where my best friends were, told them the basic direct quotes and that he had broken up with me and decided to take a walk, still completely out of it. I ended up in another friend’s dorm room and cried there as he told me that it would be ok and that I would get over it soon. He helped distract me temporarily with a movie and just spending time with him. 

Walking out and heading back to my room, I thought that maybe I would be ok. Maybe it would get over it really fast and just be friends with this now-ex-boyfriend. But what hit me hardest were the thoughts that crawled back into my mind about my father and what my future and his future looked like. In climbing the stairs I felt weak. Every inch of doubt, hate, depression, all of my emotions just broke. Imagine being on a perfectly balance teeter-totter and having a small grain of sand be the final amount of weight to forces your side to drop hard. Or better, being so close to the edge of a cliff that that small gust of wind finally pushes you over and you fall into the sharp, ridge rocks below. It wasn’t that small amount that caused the pain, it was the that but of a push that sent me over.

It was as though someone had a been holding my internal organs, mainly my heart and lungs, and just squeezed as tightly as possible. It felt like someone had shot or stabbed me in my chest. That was the amount of emotional pain that I could no longer control and killed me to a broken point. I never had been one for self-harm, but the amount of pain I was in had me over the edge. Without a knife, I scraped and dug at my wrist, rubbing away my skin until raw. As I did so, the small amount of physical pain relieved that internal tension I couldn’t get rid of. I stopped myself eventually, leaving only one spot that would scar for sure because it was just deep enough. Staring at it, I somehow felt a little better, but disappointment that I gave into self-harm grew inside me.

Gathering up what was left of me, I headed to bed and tried to forget about it.

The next days after were just as hard. All I could think of were the questions in my mind and wondering if my dad will be ok in the end. My suicidal thoughts became as serious as ever, and they still are as I write this. I wrapped up my wrist in hopes it would heal. That Friday, I had a track meet, and my anxiety kept me from jumping almost entirely as my mind raced through everything. With my calves always knotted and cramping, I needed a source of pain that wouldn’t draw attention. I got my calves rubbed out, and the pain was relieving, and it was healthy in its own way.

Since then, my way of physical pain the counter the emotional pain has been getting muscles painfully rubbed out. Even my AT questioned why I wasn’t screaming in pain as usual. I guess once you have something like my emotions for that pain to fill, it doesn’t seem so bad. If anything, it takes it away for a short time.

Despite this, I still think about how much I want to cut, but I keep stopping myself from doing so. I don’t do it because of him, I do it because of everything else and he just happened to be the tip of my iceberg that had the worst possible timing.  

[foundtheworl]

New Post has been published on Found The World

New Post has been published on https://foundtheworld.com/packing-essentials-traveling/

Packing Essentials for Traveling

Packing properly for a trip is more important than some people would think. While I used to be one of those last minute packers who would laugh at other who overly planned out what they were bringing, I learned quickly that karma is real. Nothing is more annoying than being in a different country with the wrong kind of clothing and having to buy basic things that I could have easily brought. I still have vivid memories of being in France, freezing to death because I assumed March in Normandy would be summer temperatures. After that experience, I vowed to never be the reason for my own pain and suffering due to my poor packing skills.

Now before trips I force myself to sit down and actually think about what I would practically need to bring. I read about the climate of my destination, the types of activities I want to participate in and pick a suitable sized bag for my trip. For the last number of long-term trips I have taken, I have only taken a backpack and a Tommy Hilfiger cloth bag. Everyone thought I was crazy for bring so little, but the truth is, it is not necessary to pack a lot on a trip as long as you are smart about what you bring. Packing for a vacation of 2 weeks or 2 months should be very similar as long as you do laundry frequently.

Over the years of travelling in North America, Europe, Africa, South America, and the Caribbean, this is a list of the things I’ve noticed that I must bring on a trip with me. Note that I usually am packing for solo trips that are at least one month long, and I pack very lightly. The things that I recommend are because of my travelling style. If I were to visit a resort for a week, I would have a completely different list of essentials.

Packing Essentials

Facial/Baby Wipes

These are really important for people who will go on long flights or who spend a long time travelling in general. I always feel disgusting when I can’t wash my face, and it gets super oily. Having wipes allows me to feel somewhat clean during long periods when I can’t shower. My face always breaks out whenever I don’t clean it frequently, thanks to facial wipes I no longer have this problem. I also hate going to bed with dirty feet and baby wipes are great for that because usually hostel showers are really gross.

Microfiber Towel

This is the second most important packing essential because it saves so much space. Regular towels are massive and heavy, they do not dry quickly and are annoying to travel with. Getting a microfiber towel allows you to pack lightly and bring two towels- one for the shower and one for the beach. I can’t leave the country without my microfiber towel.

Coconut Oil

Everyone seems to be obsessed with coconut oil these days, but that is probably because it is the most useful product. It works as a make up remover, hair mask, cooking oil, moisturizer, and cleaner. I like to bring a small amount to use as a facial cleanser and as a hair mask before I shower.

Dry Shampoo/Baby Powder

If you haven’t noticed my packing list is modeled after how to stay clean while not showering. Showering everyday, especially while travelling is unnecessary. Using either dry shampoo or baby powder is an easy beauty hack. Baby powder also works well for women to use to prevent their thighs rubbing together when they walk.

Body Spray

Perfume is a waste of space and it has such a strong scent that most people will find unpleasant. Bringing a small bottle of body spray however is a great alternative to keeping your scent fresh. I prefer coconut body sprays because they are not overly strong and it usually mixes well with other scents.

Adapters and a Portable Charger

Different areas of the world have different outlets; not bringing an outlet adapter could be a hassle to try to find one abroad. Save yourself the frustration and buy one at home, and research what kind of an adapter you need. A portable charger is really important because if you phone battery is terrible, as most are, you could find yourself in irritating situations. If you rely on your phone a lot while travelling, having a dead phone with no way to access directions back to the hotel could be a nightmare for some travelers.

A Rain Jacket

This is a very obvious item, but I will draw attention to it because umbrellas are really heavy. Do not waste space bringing one. Everyone always assumes that the weather will be good while travelling, but that isn’t true. It will always rain. During my time in The Dominican Republic, during November it poured viciously for almost the entire month. I didn’t bring a good rain jacket and regretted this every single time I left the hostel. So please, learn from my mistakes get a lightweight rain jacket, with a hood that is waterproof. Do not buy the more fashionable ‘water resistant’ jacket, you will regret that deeply.

A Water Bottle

In many places in the world tap water is not safe to drink and carrying a water bottle around is essential to not being constantly dehydrated. Even in places that you would expect the water to be clean like Paris, it is advised to not drink from the tap. Buy big bottles of water from the super market and use the water bottle that you brought to take water with you on your daily excursions. Staying hydrated is important; so many times I’ve almost fainted because I thought bringing my water bottle with me would make my backpack too heavy. I have done a lot of foolish things while travelling.

Snacks

Yes, these can be purchased abroad and are not necessarily an ‘essential’ but for me they are because airport food is so expensive and I get really hungry. When I land in a new country, the first thing I want to do is get to my hostel and I do not want to go searching for food with all of my stuff. It is easier to bring a few protein bars to make sure the hungriness goes away.

Travel Sized Laundry Detergent

Usually it is really easy to buy detergent in a different country, but I have come across difficulties finding this before. I like to bring a little bit with me just so if my clothes get dirty I am able to clean them right away.

Good Shoes/Shoes for All Occasions

Wear shoes that are fashionable but also pair nicely with different outfits. I like to wear vans because I find them very comfortable to walk in, but athletic shoes are in style making it easy to create somewhat fashionable looks. Also bring more than one pair of shoes; if you get blisters, you will be suffering until it heals. In warmer areas, I would advise bringing a stylish pair of sandals that are good for walking in because they go well with skirts and dresses, and will give you the flexibility to dress up or dress down.

Athletic Clothing

Sporty clothes are a good combination between still maintaining style while being able to do all of the activities that travel requires. They are breathable, comfortable, and are versatile when it comes to different weathers.

Underwear

This also seems like an obvious thing to pack, however bring a lot of it. Nothing is more irritating then not having clean underwear. At least pack enough for a two week cycle, but I always bring more because I have a constant fear of running out of clean underwear.

Peanut Butter

This seems like a strange thing to bring, but in Europe and other countries peanut butter isn’t really popular. Serving as a great source of protein, I really enjoy my daily serving of peanut butter and sometimes pack it.

A Notebook

This comes in handy on so many occasions, to write down directions, suggestions of things to do, peoples contact information. Especially when my phone dies, my notebook comes in handy to take down notes. When I flew into Colombia a few months ago, a Colombian sitting beside me started speaking to me in Spanish. After realizing that I was flying into a country with no plans, he started giving me so many suggestions of the best places to visit in the country. If I didn’t have my notebook with me, I would have missed some of the amazing recommendations that he shared.

A Sweater

Even in super hot places, like Cuba and The Dominican Republic, I have been happy that I brought a sweater. Especially if you are travelling for a long period of time, you will acclimatize to your destination and will have a changed sense of hot and cold. Just be prepared for all possible weather conditions.