#beckhailey2

[godlyborn]

will you be my breath through the deep, deep water? / beckett & hailey.

date: early april 2018 summary: beck’s addiction takes a toll on the twins. trigger warning: car accident, drunk driving, addiction

Beck wasn’t that sore, but he knew that he would feel everything tomorrow morning. Beck was pouting when the police made him take a breathalyzer, but did it anyway, knowing if he denied it, he’d get arrested anyway. Beck was slightly relieved when it came out just below the legal limit. Though he was nervous at how Hailey would react as her car was wrapped around a light pole, possibly totaled. The paramedics were checking him out now as he sat in the ambulance as they did so. He was mostly fine, probably from sheer luck, except for a nice seatbelt burn, a forming bruise on the same collarbone he busted going through a glass table when he was eighteen and wasted, and a cut on the side of his temple. The cut was what they were checking out mostly, to see if he needed to go to the hospital because of it or not. 

Beck felt numb, and he was sobering up pretty quickly from the adrenaline rush that he was feeling after the crash. He hated the sobering part, he always felt so hit with numbness than intense emotion and he wasn’t sure which part of that was worse. Beck watched as a car pulled up, and he knew instantly the police had called his twin. It was her car wrapped around that light pole anyway.

Hailey had started feeling numb when the unknown number first called her.  It seemed lucky that the call had come just as she walked into the locker room to change after her late night tai-chi class, but now that she was sitting in the car her co-worker was a saint to lend her, she wasn't really able to feel anything at all.  The police hadn't given her too many details, since they still needed to verify her identity when she arrived on the scene, but had laid out the basics.  There was crash that involved her car.  Instantly, her brain went to her tossing her keys to Beck before leaving for her class, and the panic was just barely able to be contained under her skin as she struggled not to press the gas down harder, praying that her brother was safe.

It felt like a year, but eventually Hailey arrived at the scene of the crash.  Almost instantly, the sight of her car wrapped around the pole made her want to vomit, though she assumed that was mainly the stress taking over.  Her attempts at locating Beck were delayed as she was stopped by two cops, checking her ID and making sure her information checked out before allowing her under the tape.   The first place her eyes darted to was the ambulance, praying that she wouldn't see Beckett laying on a stretcher, and she let out a sob when she saw him sitting instead.  "Beck!" Her feet moved faster then her head, and before she knew it, she was throwing her arms around her twins neck and pulling him into her arms.  At first, all that came out of her mouth was quiet "Thank you"'s towards the gods for keeping him safe, before she pulled back and cradled his face in her hands.  "Are you okay?  Are you hurt?"

Beck definitely smelled like alcohol, it was either from just himself or maybe it was from someone who spilled some of their drink on him, he wasn’t entirely sure. A lot happened that night, he was sure that he was okay to drive. Beck made a face when she cradled his face in her arms. “Hailey, it’s okay, l’m okay,” he insisted. The paramedics cleared him to go, telling him he was lucky to not have a broken nose from the airbags and they wanted to know if he would want to go to the hospital to make sure. Which in return he denied. He knew that he had some ambrosia at home that would make him feel better than anything the hospital would give him. “I’m sorry about your car,” he said. Beck’s eyes flashed over from Hailey to the car, his face flooding with fear, only for a second. It was weird, it was like he knew he had been in there, but at the same time felt like he hadn’t, like it was someone else.

Not caring about the face he made, Hailey kept her hands where they were, doing her own inspection of his face despite the paramedics having already done the same thing.  There was a slightly glazed look in his eyes that was clearing up, but that mixed with the smell of booze didn’t make it difficult to figure out what had happened.  He was drunk. Of course he was. 

Hailey could feel herself deflating as it processed in her brain and her hands slipped off of Beck’s face, her arms now moving to wrap around her torso, as if she needed help to support herself. “I don’t give a shit about the car, Beck.” She responded, stepping back as the paramedics moved back in to clear him. Her eyes moved once again to the car in question, wincing at how bad the damage was. It was definitely totaled. “Thank god for car insurance.” She mumbled, letting out an exhausted sigh before moving towards the wreck. Her feet felt like they weighed a ton each, but forced herself to keep going to see what she could salvage from the wreck.

It was like in sync, Beck shut down the minute Hailey deflated. He wanted to scream to her that he was scared, that he thought he was okay, to talk to him, say something to make him feel less alone, but no words came out. It was like a part of him was stopping him from stepping over that edge. That part would open the flood gates and he wasn’t sure if he could handle that, no he knew that he couldn’t handle that. “Hailey, I...” he started but trailed off. Then it was too late as she walked over to her car. Beck signed some papers, was granted a ticket from the police officer, and he followed his sister. He watched as the tow truck pulled up, and there was a glaze in his eyes, not from being impaired, but as he separated his emotions from himself. Hailey deflated and he needed to be okay, he already caused her enough pain tonight. “Hailey, the tow truck’s here,” he said.

It was a bit difficult to get the door open, but a few good tugs later and the metal bent in her favor, allowing Hailey access to her backseat. Crawling up and over the center console, she immediately reached for the keychain hanging from her rear view mirror - the same one that used to hang in their dad’s truck when they were younger, as well as the guardian angel pin their grandmother had given them before they were taken away from them.  A few more minor things, most of them Hailey wasn’t even fully aware of grabbing since it all just felt like an out of body experience. 

 Beck speaking pulled her back to herself and she glanced up at her brother before nodding and crawling back over the console. Looking back over where her rear windshield used to be she knew there was no chance of getting the trunk open and mentally made a note of having to get a new set of jumper cables at some point. She took another second to rest her head on the backseat, forcing back the tears threatening to explode out of her, before stepping out of her car, arms full of her salvaged belongings. “You can get in the car if you want, I left it unlocked.  I’m gonna make sure they don’t need anything else from us.”

Beck nodded at Hailey, getting into the passenger seat of her co-worker’s car.  Beck leaned his head against his hand, against the car window. He watched as Hailey approached the car, a frown on his face knowing that he was the reason she looked so upset. He wished it was anything but that, he wanted her to scream at him, something. He deserved it after all, he had probably deserved it for a while. The silence was deafening. When she opened the door, “Hailey, please say something,” he said.

The tow truck driver was nice enough to give Hailey a plastic bag for her small collection, which was now dangling from her arm as she walked back to the car.  She had been assured that they would get the report into her insurance company and hopefully some good news on getting a rental sooner rather than later.  She took one more glance at the car she knew she was never going to see again, let out another sigh, then popped open the driver's side door and climbed. 

Picking up on the tension between the two of them, Hailey said nothing as she started up the car, not sure what she was even suppose to say in a situation like this.  Just as she was about to put the car into drive, Beck had to request her voice.  Her hands clenched on the wheel, and she kept her eyes anywhere but focused on her brother.  "Please, don't." Her voice was small - something that she had always resented, because she was anything but meak.  But, she felt like there a weight pressing down on her body and she just wanted to get home and sob into a pillow for the rest of the night, rather then here in the car.  "I just wanna go home, okay?"

Beck obeyed, knowing immediately not to push, not now. He looked out the window, watching the horizon as they drove home. He hated the tension in the car, he hated what he done, and there were so many pieces of his brain that were struggling to put themselves together. Inside his head, all the emotions were starting to hit him, he was stoic on the outside, but on the inside it was like he was screaming, his mind was racing. He was exhausted, physically and mentally. 

The twins didn’t talk as they entered the threshold of their college apartment. He wondering if MIT would here about his ticket that day. He hoped Tyche would be on his side that night, though it seemed that she already had been. Beck stood, waiting for Hailey to say something when they got home, following her with his eyes. He didn’t dare speak again yet.

The longer the drive went on, the heavier the tension felt.  Hailey knew that she had to say something, but she just couldn't find the words, so the drive was spent in silence instead.  She couldn't quite remember the time between them leaving the scene of the crash and parking in front of their apartment, yet Hailey found herself shutting the front door and leaning her entire body weight against it, deflating once again.  She covered her face with her hands, mentally and physically drained just like her twin.

"Please stop staring at me." Most of the drive must have been spent trying to get herself put back together, as her voice was stronger once again.  Her hands fell away from her face as she looked over at Beck, hoping he couldn't see that her eyes were still glassy.  "What exactly do you want me to say?"

Beck leant against the wall across from the door. “I don’t know,” he told her, making a shrug gesture with his arms. “Anything. Cry, scream at me, anything. I just totaled the car like an idiot, and you’re not even calling me an idiot.” Beck sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, his head down. Beck could hear his heart beat in his ears. He felt sick. “Gods Hailey, I want you to be mad at me. I fucking deserve it.” He looked back at her with his own eyes, glassy. He sunk down the wall, before settling on the floor. Beck was unsteady, he was shaking, still trying to hold back everything he was feeling. God, he just wanted another drink. He wanted these emotions to go away, to get buried instead of them burying him. The anxiety finally was catching up to him after spending years of trying to avoid it. “Gods know if I could, I’d scream at myself. Hailey, I want you to tell my what you’re thinking.” Beck hated that he couldn’t read his sister’s face like usual. It was like everything that he had been doing lately has been tearing them apart and he didn’t know how to stop it, even though he wanted to. He couldn’t control it and it was tearing him apart.

Clearly, her twin had no idea how close she was to tears - something that would've been more shocking if her head was on right.  Normally, the two of them could read each other like a book - sometimes it was infuriating how well if she was being honest, but it was like there was a wall between them, rather than the totally open space of their apartment.  She watched him slide down to the floor and normally she would be walking over to hold his hand and reassure him, but tonight her feet didn't budge.

Hailey was beyond mad, that much she was aware of, but she was also stressed, tired and just done with this whole game they've been playing.  "Fuck, Beck. Of course I'm mad, I'm fucking pissed right now." She could feel her throat tightened as the words left, but she did her best to push past them.  "I'm so beyond pissed that you got behind that wheel, you have no idea.  But I don't give a shit about the car!"  Hailey's voice was slowly raising in volume and she could feel the tears burning behind her eyes.  "What I'm thinking is that I'm so fucking relived that you were able to walk away.  I thought I was going to show up and you were going to be seriously hurt, or worse."  She definitely did not want to elaborate on that thought, or how it would have been her worst nightmare coming true.

Beck felt himself flinch when Hailey’s voice grew louder. Beck looked at the ground, listening to Hailey’s word, and by the time he looked up, tears were streaming down his face. It was like something broke in him, something that was teetering on the edge of a countertop and someone just hit it over. “I thought I was okay,” Beck said, he wanted to add that he didn’t even blow the legal limit, but he couldn’t even say what really caused him to swerve on the road. He couldn’t piece together between leaving his friend’s and when the car was on the light pole. He shook his head, looking down again, letting the tears fall. Beck ran his hands over his face. “I thought I was okay,” he said, quieter this time. That time you could tell it meant more than just the car. He just didn’t know how to say it.

Hailey wanted to retort, say that clearly he wasn't okay, but she couldn't get the words to come out, especially as she watched Beckett break down on their floor.  They both knew that this was about something way bigger than the car and that mixed with how broken her brother's voice was caused the tears to break through and stream down her cheeks.

Forcing her feet to move, she crouched down in front of her twin and reached out to grab his hands, her grip almost too tight, but she couldn't tell.  "You have no idea how much it kills me inside that I can't protect you from this." Hailey has always been the type of person that couldn't comprehend how to deal with situations where she couldn't do anything physically.  She could do something about him being getting hurt, but this? It was a mental thing and there was nothing for her to get her hands on and force away but Beckett himself, leaving Hailey to feel useless and defeated as she sobbed.  "I thought there was a chance that I had lost you tonight and I have no idea what I would've done if I had. I can't lose you too, Beck, I can't do this without you."

Beck’s heart swelled at Hailey’s words. “I know, I know,” he replied. “I just,” Beck let out a sigh. “I don’t know what to do Hailey. I’m so scared.” Beck put his head in his hands, shaking it. Everything was coming out now. He couldn’t delay it anymore. “I’m so scared to deal with it all. I thought it made me feel better, that it was easier, but now I don’t know how to fix it. Everything is so messed up Hailey, and I’m scared.”

Suddenly, Beckett's hand were torn from her grasp and her hands fluttered around for a moment before resting on her knees.  "I'm scared too, Beck. I'm so fucking scared, but I'm not leaving you to deal with this alone, okay? I'm here, whatever you need.  We'll get through this." Fleeting thoughts of late nights spent in front of the computer, waking up on her desk with a blanket thrown over her shoulder came to her mind.  She was nervous about bringing it up, but they may not have much of a choice anymore.  "We'll get through this, Beck. I promise."

Beck looked up from his hands, his face tear stained, eyes red, and he was starting to get a migraine. There was a little blood on his hand from irritating the new cut on his head. “I thought I had it under control, Hailey, I really did. I didn’t mean to put you through all this. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said. He thought about when he really first sensed he had a problem, but he wasn’t ready to fix it, he wasn’t entirely ready to face everything sober. He couldn’t remember the last time he faced something fully sober. That scared him. He remembers trying to detox once, without telling Hailey, and he couldn’t get through it. It felt wrong, and it felt like something wasn’t right, he was so sick. Later he found out that it was really dangerous to detox from alcohol yourself sometimes. So he put it off out of fear, and anxiety to ask for help. It just spiraled more later, partly because he had the added stress of realizing his problem. He was then mostly drinking to keep himself from getting sick, going overboard on his more stressful days. 

“Do you remember that packet of rehabs that just so happened to appear on my desk one day?” he asked, knowing that Hailey had put it there, trying not to force him. He appreciated that she never forced him, he’d just push her away more. 

Beck took a shaky breath. “I don’t think this is something that we can do ourselves Hailey.” Beck said, vaguely. He didn’t want to admit it to Hailey how much he really drank to avoid getting sick.

Hailey's eyes fluttered up to the now bleeding cut on his head, as if she just noticed he had it. Her hand reached back out, gently wiping the blood off of her twin's face, dueling as her reassuring herself once again that he was in front of her.  Not exactly okay, but still with her.  It did wonders to soothe her heart and balm some of the anger and anxiety that remained.  "We'll get through it." She repeated in response to his apologies, letting her hand come off of his forehead and rested it back on his.

The question made her pause for a second, then she nodded.  "I do.  Remember all the times you found me passed out on the desk?"  The older they got, the better they knew the other then they knew themselves, which includes how to best introduce a difficult topic to the other.  She had let him see what she was up, but never forced him to look at it, letting him come to terms with everything for himself.  "I don't think we can either.  So we get help."

Beckett felt like he was a child all over again, with his mother fighting his monsters, comforting him when he was scared. When it wasn't his mom, it was his older sister. Beck knew, despite the struggles he often faced, it was Hailey who would come and help fight his demons, though unseen, though only being seventeen minutes older than him. The twins may have lost their parents, but they never lost someone who looked out for them. They always looked out for each other. Beck didn't know when he forgot that Hailey was there for him, he had spent so long feeling like he didn't have that person like he once had when he had nightmares as a kid, or people picked on him for his interests in school when they lost their mom. Beck was starting to really see that Hailey was that person. 

Beck leaned his head against Hailey's hand that rested on his, silent for a long moment. Beck let out a small laugh, and lifted his head. The adrenaline wearing off, and the slight pain starting to set in as he was really starting to sober up."Sorry, I just," he said. "I was just thinking, you're always there to catch me when I fall. I'm sorry I didn't realize until now. I'm sorry I haven't been a better brother. I just, I was really trying, Hailey. I just didn't want to worry you. It sounds ridiculous."

Hailey watched as Beckett seemed to stare right through her, eyebrows furrowing as she took in her brother's appearance.  She hadn't seem him look like so....so deflated since they lost their parents, but it made sense after everything they've been through tonight.  While she knew that she was older by a small degree, while they sat on the floor of their dimly lit apartment, the age difference between them seemed like years apart rather than a few minutes.  For the millionth time that night, she thanked the gods that they hadn't taken him from her as he seemed to focus back in and speak again. 

The tears were still dripping from her face, but Hailey gave him a small smile at his apology.  "What are sisters for?" She was still unsure how she was feeling from the night's events and knew that sleep wasn't going to come easy tonight, if at all, but she did her best to push it aside and stand up onto shaky legs.  Stretching her hands out, she offered them to her brother to help him to his feet as well.  "Come on, we have ambrosia hidden around here somewhere."  They'll take this one step at a time, but Hailey could already feel like things were changing, the wall between that had somehow gotten so big was starting to crack and she was more than ready to get her brother back.