#because this was a LOT worse and i thought that my dream vids were bad

[kiwipillled]

so ive had a sore throat since last wednesday… and i was wondering what could’ve caused a sore throat because i literally never get sick… but then i remembered that tuesday night i was screaming like this for 3 hours and then it all made sense….

i feel bad for anyone in the section i was in that possibly heard my feral ass in the background of their videos… because i was watching my bsfs videos and all you could hear was me screaming 😭

[1ddotdhq]

🍌Wed 2 Dec ‘20💚

Harry Styles Reacts to Banana Innuendo Rumors by Making EVEN MORE Banana Innuendos part TWO

Good morning/evening/night to Harry’s post and Harry’s post ONLY! (Okay that’s not true but it was definitely a highlight of my day). In case people haven’t seen it yet, it’s Harry in a light blue custom made suit putting a penis banana in his mouth. The picture is captioned “Bring Back Manly Men” so take a suck on THAT Candace Owens! It was only one of many great pictures in his variety shoot (including another, um, fruity picture of him biting into a pomegranate okay Persephone we get it), but Harry did indeed choose That One to post on This, the day after banana necklace dickscourse, BLESS. Harry’s interview was a little more in depth than they have been in the past, touching upon his feelings on race (“Historically, I can’t think of any industry that’s benefited more off of Black culture than music. There are discussions that need to happen about this long history of not being paid fairly. It’s a time for listening, and hopefully, people will come out humbled, educated and willing to learn and change”), as well as his tattoos (the only time he regrets them is in the DWD makeup chair), his love of reading, fashion and art, his exercise routine (Kid Harpoon couldn’t keep up!),  and his feelings on success and acclaim (“It’s never why I do anything...it's always nice to know that people like what you’re doing, but ultimately — and especially working in a subjective field — I don’t put too much weight on that stuff...Fans are the best A&R”). 

The problems arose - as they so often do - when One Direction was mentioned. The article said that “The proof [of the band’s benefits] is in the relatively seamless solo transitions of at least three of its members- Payne, Malik and Horan in addition to Styles- each of whom has landed hit singles on charts in the U.K., the U.S. and beyond”. Leaving aside the bad math (that's 4 people!) one name, of course, is notably missing: Louis has in fact enjoyed quite a lot of success both with Walls (remember when his album went #1 on iTunes in the UK AND the US literally 2 months ago?) and his pre-Walls singles like “Back To You” and “Just Hold On”. It got worse because the author tried to back up her claim with Harry’s quote, “When you look at the history of people coming out of bands and starting solo careers, they feel this need to apologize for being in the band...but we loved being in the band...I think there’s a wont to pit people against each other. And I think it’s never been about that for us. It’s about a next step in evolution. The fact that we’ve all achieved different things outside of the band says a lot about how hard we worked in it”. By linking her own words with Harry's quote she made it seem as though Harry said it to agree with her biased take, which we'd know he didn't even if we hadn't heard him say this exact quote without that slant multiple times before. Fans were quick to point out both to the author and to Variety that they were wrong (to describe the reaction mildly), and the author rather than fixing the mistake, doubled down and began blocking fans. Plenty of people were quick to say that of course HSHQ and Harry had approved this content, despite more knowledgeable fans trying to be heard protesting that that is not how it works. (Remember how just recently Vogue got Harry’s whole ass FAMILY situation wrong and it was not corrected until after print, for example?) In fact, even the magazine didn't really proofread this- the print version of the article is different and says, “The proof is in the relatively seamless solo transitions of at least three of its members - Styles, Malik and Horan”, effectively erasing both Louis AND Liam. It's an annoying take either way, but it's one the author more than likely picked up by doing her research on harrie twitter, not on orders from Jeff.

And because we DO NOT STAND FOR LILO ERASURE ON THIS BLOG, let’s talk about Liam’s Web Summit panel! It was 25 minutes of Liam and Marian Dicus (VP of Spotify) being interviewed about the current and future state of the music industry. Both of them, of course, noted that things had changed very quickly in their careers back at the beginning of lockdown, and how it had seemed surreal, at first, but that Liam had found that the way he was operating now (with Veeps and Tik Tok and Instagram lives) had made his platform a two way interaction with his fans. “For a long time I've been living in a dream world where I thought I was speaking with my fans but really I was just talking at them whereas we as artists ask a lot of rhetorical questions... I wanted to start a conversation”. Marian discussed how engaging fans differently WAS one of the most difficult things to puzzle out at the beginning, but that as months have passed, it seems artists like Liam have found a viable virtual future in the music industry (Liam tells us that he's been doing “stadium size shows” on Veeps which is an exciting clue about the mystery of how many tickets they're selling). They also went into the way music trends change as a response to social and political occurrences, how comfort songs gave way to protest songs this summer. Liam said, “People want their artists to have an opinion nowadays it's not that we can stay out of the conversation anymore-- and nor do we feel that we should in many places-- but for me it's a fine line because I realize what I do for people is an escape, people don't want things rammed down their throats every day and news messages from me about things that they don't want to hear about if they've come to listen to music, so its a real fine line that we kind of teeter on”. And about his opening acts, he acknowledges that his fanbase are mostly young women (based on the data breakdowns he gets from his team), and so he feels a responsibility to mentor young female artists in the industry so that more people like his fans have a voice. In an interview full of really fascinating music and technical discussions, this remained my favorite moment from Liam. Just like we won’t erase HIM, he refuses to erase US! And let's not forget our Liam alarm of the day-- it starts out absolutely adorable (“good moooorning!”), is hilarious in that apparently he just rambled completely unscripted and then they awkwardly cut it into 25 parts, but today's installment is frankly not relaxing! “only 23 sleeps til christmas have you done your shopping are you prepared” excuse me Liam YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT. The promised relaxing sleep story affirmations are still 'coming soon'-- hurry up please I need them to decompress after that alarm!

Now for a lightning round of epic proportions: DWD darling pictures and vids keep comin’ and Harry and Florence are both looking GORGEOUS as Jack and Alice,  after the Variety shoot dropped ‘THE CAPTION’, ‘BRING BACK MANLY MEN’, and ‘LOUIS IS SUCCESSFUL’ trended worldwide on twitter, Tan France said “yes please” to Harry's banana post, Harry reiterated that London was home and he didn’t want to be in LA for longer than he needed to,Variety has its virtual show tomorrow at 5 pm PST so see you there! Veeps is sending out emails promoting Louis’ show to people who bought LP show tickets, fans have already started to receive their Louis Tomlinson Live From London merch, Trinity College in Dublin’s Law society presented Niall with an award for, uh, his Irishness, I guess? (Just kidding, it’s for “his incredible talent and work ethics which is famously underscored by a distinct humility despite unthinkable success”). It looks like he will be giving a talk when he’s presented with it, and I’m honestly really interested to see what it’s all about - is he...gonna be talking to law students? Idk but tune in on December 7th at 12 pm GMT to find out!

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Just a small thing that you can definitely ignore if you want and I know this might be bad to say or even selfish but I just.. miss the old Schlatt? not the one who's now doing this content and making hurtful jokes just for money. because every day I'm losing more and more hope that off camera, he's a genuine person?

Or I just want him to improve and become better? I don't know, I know I might be selfish for being like that and I do recognise that parasocial relationships do exist and he is merely a stranger to me but I just want him to become better and to be better. curse me and my heart where I just want the best for everyone, even if I don't know them. c': I think I miss the old Schlatt - because I feel like even this persona he has is not doing him any good?

This might be a thought but you know when you look at someone and you can just see or feel that their mindset is affecting them - especially when it's affecting them negatively? I noticed that with him. Again, I know I'm a mere stranger and I don't know anything about him but even with strangers you can notice this? When he was on a break from that sort of content while he was moving, on the update "I'm Back" video he had a better energy? But when he started to embrace that persona again, his energy is just becoming worse and worse. the only times his energy was better again was when he had the moments with Jambo?

I don't know. I'm just going on a ramble at this point but I just wish he became better?

This is the exact reason I still watch the guy! I completely get where you're coming from, and it can be hard to have these sorts of conversations without speculating about what goes on 'behind the scenes' (something we know Schlatt is uncomfortable with and is possibly one of the reasons he puts on such a contrary persona).

I agree that his content has taken a downturn lately. But I don't think it's the fault of the persona, I think it's the fault of him misusing the persona. Of course he can do whatever he wants, I don't really care cause if he decides he wants to keep being a bastard then that's his problem and I'll stop watching cause that content isn't for me. However, I have some ideas about why the more recent videos have been 'worse':

His heart isn't in it. Jackbox games are fun and all but they aren't the kind of content Schlatt likes to make. In my opinion. His old channel had videoessays, but he's said before that they don't make enough money for him to keep doing that. I think he likes the little slice of life videos more because they're easy and because they're fun. I think the Wii videos were great, well-structured and good examples of well-done satire, but I feel he got a bit bored of it so he tried jackbox, which just isn't the same.

The satire doesn't work with jackbox videos. In the Wii videos it's just him and the game and some props. He plays his character and clearly makes fun of the kind of person he's portraying, or he just makes fun of himself, which is cool too lol. For example in the Wii fishing video, he plays the character of a misogynistic guy who loves fishing and hates his wife. Then proceeds to be terrible at the game and get angry to the point of making himself look like a fool. That's why we laugh! We laugh at the dumbass he's portraying. And obviously this is the same for most of the bits he does. The classic one being the gay Catholic patriot. The unexpected clash of traits makes it funny. With the jackbox vids you don't really get that. It's him and some friends. And yeah, they make fun of themselves and each other, but it has the unwanted side effect of being easy to turn into something that starts to make fun of other people, such as minorities or victims of tragedy, which isn't okay.

Mans is just trying to get a rise out of people. We all know this. The last video was purposefully offensive to try to scare the dream stans away. Which was dumb, and he shouldn't have done it, but I get why he did it. With everything that's happened recently, I'm sure Schlatt doesn't want to be associated with that sort of fanbase. Unfortunately, he went the wrong way about scaring them off.

Moving, the entire thing with lunch club and cmc, getting a cat, and Connor moving in, all while making near-weekly videos, two podcasts, and being on streams. That's a lot to think about, which is probably another reason for the lazier content and falling back on 'easy' jokes that often turn out offensive.

What I'm saying is that I feel he's in a rut. He hit a dead end, tried to fix things, then fell off and made a shitty video as an attempt for controversy. If I'm right, then I feel that he's gonna take a bit of a break (he's already taken a pretty long break if you look at how long it's been since the last video on his main channel) and come back when he's actually ready to do some better content.

The video was bad, and I get why people don't feel comfortable watching him anymore. I've made my peace with it and I'm hoping for some better content soon. But not too soon!

Lots of his friends have spoken about the whole thing, and the general consensus is that yeah, it was bad. I think Connor talked about him and Schlatt seeing a kid watching The Video and Schlatt having this 'oh shit' moment? I might be wrong, if anyone has a link to the clip or stream where Connor talks about this lmk. But regardless, I think mans is taking a break and sorting himself out. There are also rumours he might stream soon but idk idk.

I feel that off-camera he's a completely different person. Minx said she sees it that way, Ty also said he's very respectful and chill off-camera. So I don't think he's a bad person (I don't think he's racist or anti-Semetic, he fucked up but I highly doubt he believes that shit irl and I think claiming that he does is just performative and kinda weird. I understand microagressions are also very bad and can be used by racists/be racist but on their own they do not make you a racist especially if it's poor taste jokes that went too far etc).

You're right though, he definitely wanted to make money. That didn't really work out for him though (if you look at the stats on The Video, it performed terribly) so I doubt it's a mistake he would make again.

For now, if you want to see better content that (I think) reflects Schlatt in a better light (aka he's still doing a bit but he's much more chill and less of a bastard about it) I recommend the chuckle sandwich podcast and sleep deprived podcast. He's on OTK streams a lot too but that sorta thing isn't really for me.

Also stan connoreatspants bringing us Jambo content all the time. 🙌

Idk if that was helpful, but it's more a gesture of solidarity since I agree with and feel everything you're saying. Of course, this is all speculation, please don't spread this as fact because I don't know Schlatt any better than you do. He's just a comfort CC and guy I think is kinda neat when he's not doing dumb shit.

Sorry for the long post. Also, you can disregard the shit I said about racism if you want cause I'm not qualified to talk about it really. There are good points for calling someone a racist for jokes like the ones in the video, but I feel like the rest of the factors should be looked at too since this is a complicated situation. Again, just my opinion, please no hate. If you have a complaint DM me or send an ask. I'm open to hearing other povs.

Have a nice day !

[mc-slowwalker]

shipping to australia is a nightmare. anytime I go to do any online shopping I’m instantly stopped by the thought of shipping. hahahahahahaha at least that’d be a funny way to go out tho

yeah true!! every time I’m watching a vod I’ll get so startled cause they always pop up when you’re least expecting them too. I’ve only got my prime sub and I haven’t tested it but I have a feeling that twitch would still give you ads. they seem like the type

so true I’m not paying hundreds of dollars for textbooks I’m barely gonna use for half a year. oof that sucks. if I didn’t google my way through those exams I guarantee I would have failed though😅😅 then one subject that was ungoogleable, I did fail. god now I feel bad about how terrible a student I am

it’s so nice to see dream being on streams and having fun and interacting with other people !! it sucks cause I would absolutely LOVE to see dream on ppsat but I hate the idea of toxic people that would find reasons to shit on them :// like with gartic phone the other day. I felt like so toxic when the twitter updates account tweeted that dream was there cause I knew the “twitter stans” were coming. and I don’t even have a terribly negative view of stans as a whole. and then turns out it was justified and then I felt even worse. the gumi stuff pissed me off too. feeling a bit bad for dream tho. mans can’t even play with his friends without them getting attacked. I clicked on the links in your subtitle/heading/whatever it’s called when I first followed you like 6 or so months ago. was pretty funny

damnnn you’re doing all of those?? that’s tough. I dropped language (french) in yr 10 and decided to never touch maths again after I finished highschool and I loweky like maths too. oh I will 100% be telling people to touch grass that is so funny. I also can’t say anything about the nerd thing cause I just fully had the thought “what if I write an essay on the internet and it’s effect on language development”

Yes!! please tales!! where is it!! my weekly dose of happiness. I remember the last tales stream I watched like it was yesterday😪 I miss the ____ my beloved gifs that would be everywhere everytime a new character was introduced. I may have very little clue about any of the in between/the other side lore but damn were the builds insanely good. I was watching tubbo’s stream too and he said there wasn’t anything to do on the dream smp and like true ig but🥲🥲 he also said he’s been thinking about lore on twitter tho!!! so there is that !! hmm yeah I do wonder what they’re waiting for actually cause it’s been genuinely so long that c!dream’s been in the prison for. I wanna why it’s so important cause cc!dream and cc!sam put a lot of emphasis on it. and I just really really want to see what c!dream will be like out of the prison. for so many reasons

oh nooo ripppp. that’s kinda funny tho. the video was so short that was funny too. sapnap and george 2000iq moment nice. it was a nice vid tho, chill and enjoyable. so much dream content recently I feel like he’s about to drop off the face of the earth or miraculously stream something (highly unlikely but I can hope)

When streamers runs ads you gey a warning! But when vods do it it’s just a hey haha fuck you! You’re 100% right about twitch jeff bezo wouldn’t let any thing go to waste. He’s not the ceo right now but I hate him anyways. I’ve never actually used prime sub because I don’t have amazon prime, but I’ve been gifted subs a couple of times which was neat!

You know I may not be the best student but as someone who has cried a lot because of school I think it’s morally correct to be a bad student Cheat!! You’re paying then money they owe your ass so fucking much!! Abuse their resources stick it to the man. No time in life for guilt especially considering that universities are just corporations anyways they made hide behind the guise of learning but I’m calling them out no way knowledge gotta cost this much

I also love seeing dream stream with his other friends! To badly quote scott smajor, the dream team is made up of anti social sweaty fucks (affectionate). He’s always so awkward at first and ngl? Huge confidence booster /j/j. Logically I understand that twitter update accounts are useful, but I think they should all collectively take a break for a minute. Would it change anything? No. But it would make a lot of people very unhappy. I don’t even know what to do about toxic twitter stans because like, content creators and us can call them out and not at all condone their actions but we can’f actually do anything about it? It’s super frustrating. And I feel like a hypocrite too because if dream does stuff with a cc I hate I bitch about it too I just don’t have as far a reach. Like I for sure threw a whole fit when dream went on to kaceytron’s stream. Actually I tend to get upset when he goes onto streams with people who actively hate him. So I struggle with that because despite feeling like I’m justified in doing that, twitter stans feel justified in their stuff too. You could argue that it’s different because the chance that the ccs will see it is near 0 but it’s still the same behavior isn’t it? For sure not saying twitter stans are right, they piss me off how dare they say shit about gumi, but also I worry that I act similar you know?

I’m glad is was amusing I haven’t gotten any angry anons so I can never tell if the links are working or not

Listen listen it’s less that I chose this and more that they’re requirements. Spanish is a req, but I’ve always really liked spanish? I’ve found with learning languages I have to be interested in the lanrguage’s history/culture. So french makes me mad but spanish makes me feel cozy and I like it! I pick up spanish pretty fast too and I’d like to be actually fluent in it some day. Language as a whole is super interesting. Also the internet has made language even more interesting with widespread similarities and what not

Listen I would agree more with tubbo but instead Imm going to lighheartedly call him a coward who’s afraid of surprise lore! He said he would be there more often if other people logged on more often but I know for a fact other people feel the same and by him not regularly logging on he’s adding to it! I think foolish, ponk, puffy, and bbh have really upped my standards for lore. They log on at least once a week and make their own plot. Like bro if you’re bored start some shit tommy style! Personally I would make enemies with all the beets people. Tubbo has such cool lore I just wish he was willing to be a little more spontaneous. He was tired last night though so I can see his boredom beinf effected by that. I really really enjoyed bear smp those guys were so fucking funny and I will be watching more of them. Need to catch up on hermitcraft too

Who’s to say he can’t drop off the face of the planet and stream? He can multitask. Also hems been big on reddit recently so we’ll see where that leads ajddj

[agent-aurelie]

I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands recently between the nervous breakdowns and not working and I’ve been feeling super inspired by this fandom.  I’ve been creeping through art tags and doing little writing exercises/drabbles inspired by different sketch dumps and fan art I’ve loved, and sometimes they’re okay enough to post.

The first one I’ll share is inspired by this post by @roninreverie of Resistance-era Jacen trying to recruit some new pilots for the cause.  Hera is furious. 

Thank you so much to @roninreverie for letting me gush over her work and share this little ficlet. 

--

The Recruitment Holo (1538 Words, no beta)

Hera is still seething after her rant at Jacen when the hatch to her cabin hisses shut behind her.

She has always considered herself to be a good parent, even when things weren’t easy.  And there were plenty of times across not one, but two galactic wars, when being Jacen’s mother was the furthest thing from easy.  At the very least, she was an attentive parent, opting more often than not to carry her small son on her hip to everything from command briefings to X-Wing pilot training exercises. When it simply wasn’t safe to take her child with her, Sabine or Zeb would always outrank the other eager pilots who were more than willing to take a shift to watch General Syndulla’s son, and they’d travel from multiple systems to do it. Jacen had a wider support system than any child she knew, which is why his latest stunt was so kriffing stupid that Hera has to take stock in where things had gone so wrong.

She is glad she retreated to her cabin to calm down before confronting Poe Dameron, and then Lando Calrissian, both of whom Hera is absolutely positive had some influence in Jacen’s little filmmaking project.  A few weeks back during a fairly grim briefing, Hera noted how dire their pilot situation was becoming - she recalled the early days of the Rebellion when finding cells to band together to defeat the Empire was daunting, stressful work.  She never dreamed she’d have to do it twice in her lifetime, and the Resistance desperately needed pilots.  

“We’ll figure it out, mom,”  Jacen had said confidently that evening at dinner,  “I can take Chop and the Phantom for a recruiting spin if we’re really that hard up?”

Her son is an adult now, a handsome, charming, talented pilot of an adult.  He inherited all of the best parts of Kanan, his bravery, his tactical mind, his good looks (for better or worse, Hera was learning), and the parts of Hera she’s most proud of, her love of the skies, her kindness and her determination and loyalty.  But Hera still has a hard time letting him off world without her nearby.  The all-encompassing devastation of the loss of Kanan never fades, and Hera is positive she can’t handle losing Jacen, too.

Hera almost wishes she’d let him take the Phantom instead of finding him half naked, taking recruitment matters into his own hands in front of a holo-vid recorder.

Hera Syndulla was going to kill Poe Dameron with her own ungloved hands, and Lando Calrissian, for good measure.

“Some tactician Jacen is, Kanan,” Hera mutters to the empty cabin before flopping back on her bunk,  “Though I meant what I said - you probably would have done the same, and I’d have been run ragged training every sentient being who saw your holo-vid to become a pilot for the Rebellion.  I just thought he was smarter than that.”

Kanan was a master at finding solutions. There’s always another way, he’d say, and his blue-green eyes would flash with delight as he unwound a solution to whatever narrow odds the Spectres found themselves in.  Jacen inherited Kanan’s drive, those same problem solving skills that will make him an asset to the Resistance.  She just wishes for her sanity, that he hadn’t also inherited Kanan’s relentless flirtatiousness, that handsome smile and that talent for charming his way out of every tight situation.  Truly, he was Kanan Jarrus’ boy.

Hera’s mind drifts back to Gorse, so many years ago now, and how the secondhand embarrassment radiated from her when she heard the story of how Kanan had asked an Imperial captain over the Expedient’s com what she was wearing.   She remembers how easy it was to play to his flirtatious nature to all but steal his Moonglow ID badge from around his neck.  And she remembers how willing he was to follow her around - even after she explained she could investigate Vidian on her own - because he thought there was a chance of a physical reward at the end.  Kanan had fallen into a lot of unnecessary danger because of his attitude and his libido, and while they’d both escaped mostly unscathed (and of course that mission led to the best years of Hera’s life) the recklessness of that time in Gorse could have been fatal to anyone but a Jedi.

She sometimes feels the Force still lingering in the Ghost, she likes to imagine it wrapping itself around Jacen for protection.  But her son has not shown any particular sensitivity to it, and she’s almost positive that won’t materialize now to protect him in such dire situations.

Hera would not let Jacen make the same mistakes.  There is truly no safety net for him.

But he’s going to make mistakes, Hera,  she can hear Kanan’s voice in her mind.  Sometimes in the most challenging moments of being a single parent, Hera can feel Kanan there with her, standing silently behind her as she doles out a punishment to their son or tries to impart some hard-learned wisdom to keep him out of trouble.  

It’s just so hard that he isn’t actually there.  And it never gets any easier.

Hera swings her legs off her bunk and pulls a change of clothes.  She wants to speak to Jacen as mom, not as General Syndulla, and that means a quick change into leggings and a long tunic.  She wraps her lekku in a soft scarf and slips out of her cabin down the hall towards his.

Kanan’s.

Hera knocks on the hatch and she can hear his footfalls headed towards the entryway as the doors slide open.  

“Mom, I feel bad enough, I don’t need another lecture -- and before you say anything it wasn’t Poe, it was my own idea, we saw an old holo of Lando and he shouldn’t be in trouble for something he had nothing to--”

“Can I come in?”  she interrupts, asking permission to enter a bunk in her own ship.

He steps aside and lets her pass.  He shuffles back to sit on the edge of the mattress and scrubs his hands through his mop of green hair.  Hera sinks to the ground and crosses her legs, facing her son.

“You’re better than that stunt, Jacen,” she says softly, no anger in her voice this time.  “You’re more talented, more creative and far smarter than relying on your body to do something your brain can do just fine.”

He doesn’t say anything, she knows he’s embarrassed.  Not just at being caught, but at the fact that her own reputation could have been affected by something so stupid, so reckless.

“Your dad,” she goes on, and it hurts, sitting in this room and talking about Kanan, but she pushes through the tightening of her throat, the pain that never leaves, because this is more important than her own comfort, “Your dad didn’t have it so easy when he was your age.  He did a lot of stupid things too.  I was there for some of them, and I was mad at him then.  But he experienced loss and fear and anger that I don’t think I ever could fully understand.  If we, “ and Jacen knows she means the Spectres, his family, even the ones he never met, “if we weren’t there to help your father… I don’t know what would have become of him, really.

“I’m here to help you, Jacen.  I’m here to help you see past a short term gain and think smarter.  What kind of pilots did you really think you were going to recruit that way?  Think more strategically, more long term.  Think like the Jarrus and Syndulla you are.”

Jacen knows she’s serious when his father’s surname enters the conversation.  His elbows are propped on his knees and his head hangs, and she can all but feel the tension and tightness in his shoulders and back.  He doesn’t raise his eyes to meet his mothers, and it breaks Hera’s heart that her son is upset, but she knows he hears her. She slides a little closer to her boy, and slips a hand under his chin, raising his face to hers.  “I love you, Jace.  I want you to help me find more pilots, but we’re going to do it the right way.”

He nods and she kisses his cheek.  “Tomorrow we’ll take the Phantom.  I have some intel on a small group that might be worth looking into.”

“Alright,”  he says, and she can see a little more light coming into his eyes at the promise of taking to the skies, “I’ll fly?”

Hera rolls her eyes, but smiles.  “Sure,”  she agrees and stands, and cards her fingers through his hair affectionately as she heads back towards the door.  “But we’re leaving early, so don’t waste your whole night on the holonet.  I won’t hesitate to leave you behind and take Chopper instead.”  The threat is empty, but it makes him smile.

“I love you, mom,” says her son, and Hera feels a surge of warmth in her stomach.

“I love you too, Jace.”

Good work, Hera, she hears Kanan’s voice and slips out of the cabin before the loss threatens to hit her again.  

Poe Dameron and Lando Calrissian will live another cycle.  

[septembersung]

Okay friends, I can’t resist. Here’s what I spent yesterday and today on.

May I present (drumroll): Generations, chapter 1 (new and improved!)

"The first ship launched at twelve noon a whole day ago and nobody even noticed," someone was saying as Anna-Lucia drifted towards consciousness. "No coverage whatsoever, just business as usual. I'm telling you, they don't take it seriously. It's the answer we've been waiting for."

"You're a fool, Kevin, and you always have been." Leah's voice, old but still steady, held that special note of loving judgment that only mothers can summon.

"Mom's right," George grunted gruffly over his brother's protestations. "If the feds are quiet, it's because they're being competent. Not a good sign."

"Come now!" Kevin's exasperation was so potent Anna-Lucia's eyes snapped open. "I can't be the only one to see what a huge chance this is. Another space race, and the private sector is there first! And he who gets there first, makes the rules. Andy? Don't you see what I mean?"

Andrew's recliner creaked in deep protest as he shifted his solid frame. The squeak and protest of that chair reached far back in Anna-Lucia's memory to the dim recesses of childhood. Her racing heart slowed as full consciousness returned, replacing the cramped and lightless dreams through which she had been wandering. Reality flooded back. Her flight had been delayed - endlessly delayed - the crowds were stifling. And that insufferable airport smell! But it was all behind her now. She was home. Anna-Lucia sank a little deeper into the couch, fondly watching the four shadowed figures around the other three sides of the enormous coffee table.

"The Population Committee will be making their own announcement any day now," her father was saying, his slow, rumbling bass filling the little room. "Mark my words. If StarTech has gone public with this technology without fanfare, it's because of court order, and our dearly unelected Pop Comm will be bursting out the seams to show their hand."

"Just so," Leah said approvingly. "Did you see the live feed?" she asked Kevin. He shook his head. "Well, no reason you should, I suppose, being there in person. There are three channels, as you know, and one is always on the launching grounds. But not that day. It was switched, from exactly eleven a.m. to one p.m., to the rover testing site."

"Which means?" Kevin asked wearily.

"What's the fastest way to get the public's attention?"

"Hint of coverup." George's eyes glittered in the low light. "Smart, that, if there is a gag order. Let somebody else do the announcement."

"But it's been more than twenty four hours, and not even a hint in the news. Not even - I mean, not a single channel," Kevin protested.

"And you're sure it was a life ship?" Anna-Lucia heard herself asking. She sat up, raking a tangle of curls out of her eyes, and reached for her cider mug. Of course - it was stone cold by now.

"Welcome back, my dear." Leah smiled at her. "It's nigh time for coffee, now. "Shall I start some?"

"I can do it, Grandma, you don't have to get up."

"Oh, sit still, child, and let me be useful for once." Leah carefully unwrapped from her many layers of blankets, cinched her robe tighter, and shuffled between chairs toward the kitchen. Her sons watched her go carefully, but her progress was confident and steady.

"Of course it wasn't the life ship itself," Kevin continued, as though there had been no interruption. "That had to be assembled in orbit. But it was unmistakably a shuttle service - dozens of shuttles lifted off simultaneously, we're talking hundreds of people, from grannies to babes in arms. And yet not a whisper anywhere. That doesn't say federal order, to me, but top secret private operation."

"But how did they keep the chatter out of the news?" George asked.

"And why in broad daylight?" Anna-Lucia pressed. "If this is a deliberate, flagrant violation of colonization law, why do it in plain sight? They can't possibly think switching the live feed meant it went unnoticed."

Kevin didn't have an answer for that. Silence swept over them like a tide, and even in the dim light Anna-Lucia could see how tired they looked. Birdsong began to filter in.

"It's best we all get a few hours sleep," Andy rumbled at last. "We're none of us young as we used to be, and it's going to be a long week."

Murmurs of agreement came and the three men stood, stretching and slapping each other on the back. Kevin and George moseyed up the stairs, discussing the prospects of fishing later that day. Andy, not a fat man but tall and broad, looked almost too big for the room as he eased his bulk around the coffee table. He laid a wide, callused hand on Anna-Lucia's dark hair. "Morning, honeysuckle," he said, as softly as his deep voice allowed.

She smiled up at him, her first real smile in weeks, and it felt strained and unnatural against her cheeks. "Morning, Dad."

"Bad trip?"

"I've had worse."

"Not like you, to sleep through such talk."

"Traveling is exhuasting. It'll pass."

"Hope so. Clear skies tomorrow."

Anna-Lucia tweaked the heavy curtain behind her head, letting in the chill blue predawn glow. "Tonight, looks like."

"Good weather for star gazing."

Anna-Lucia squeezed her father's hand between her own. "I'll be ready. Get some sleep, Dad."

"'Night, honeysuckle."

When Andy left, Anna-Lucia sank back against the cushions and draped great-great grandmother's blue and white afghan over her, settling into the stillness. Home. For six whole days. It was too good to be true. The week stretched before her in her mind's eye, long, warm days with nothing to do but sit, sleep, listen to her uncles' friendly bickering, and soak in the sun and the fields. She could almost pretend, here at the dawn of this freedom, she was here to stay.

The stillness of the house was balm to her chafed soul after the constant buzz of the city. No roars of trams and cars, no constant hum of voices, no continual opening and shutting of doors, no continuous press of footsteps, no sirens. Stillness, and birdsong.

The familiar little living room, crowded with its couches and rockers and recliners around the ancient, massive oak coffee table, was like an old friend. Anna-Lucia stretched luxuriously and leaned forward to trace the smooth, familiar wood with her hand. It was cool and silky, worn smooth across centuries. The broad surface was stained a dark, rich color. A deep, angular crack ran its length, nearly end to end. It, too, had had been polished to a shine.

When Leah came in with a steaming mug of coffee and her own dainty china cup of tea, Anna-Lucia was still considering the table, its blunt, rounded edges and four thick legs. She took the mug gratefully and scooted back against the broad cushions, arranging the afghan over her knees.

"Aren't you going to bed, Grandma?"

Leah settled herself securely back in her comfortable chair, covered in layers of blankets. "Oh, no. I rarely sleep more than a few hours at night anymore. I do always nap a little in the mid-morning. These are not such unusual hours for me."

"I used to love staying awake in the wee hours. But it's not - not - so restful, in the city. It never really gets dark there. Or quiet."

"You'll be going back?"

Anna-Lucia looked at her coffee. "I don't have much of a choice."

Leah ignored this. "How is it? The work?"

Anna-Lucia hesitated. "Complicated."

"Don't be daft, child. Of course it's complicated."

Anna-Lucia gripped her coffee tightly. "I'm having trouble."

"Lose a lot?"

"Almost all of them."

Leah nodded, unsurprised. "But you went. Knowing what you'd find."

"I didn't exactly have a choice!"

"There is always a choice," her grandmother said sharply. "You could have placed your own happiness, however temporary it would have turned out to be, over the welfare of this family. And you did not. You made the right choice."

The grandfather clock's ticking stitched the silence together. From her couch, Anna-Lucia could only see its side, ornately carved, lined from top to bottom with vines, flowers, and birds. She listened to the steady ticking, closed her eyes, and matched her breaths to it evenly. Three seconds in; three seconds held; three seconds out. Eventually, as the birdsong grew louder, the tension between them began to melt away. Anna-Lucia opened her eyes and saw, with a guilty lurch, that the tension had all been on her part - Leah's face was watching her closely, deeply lined with worry, her bright eyes kind.

"How have things been, Grandma?" she asked, trying for a smile.

"About the same," Leah replied, smiling easily back. "Your father is forever in the fields, checking and logging and walking fences and vidding the managers in the far corners. New hands, this summer," she added, as if in afterthought, and a chill grew in Anna-Lucia's middle. Government men, then. They were being watched.

"How long have Uncle George and Uncle Kevin been in?"

"George two days, Kevin one - he came straight from StarTech, as you heard. And they'll be leaving early, I'm sure."

"Did everyone come with them?"

"Oh, yes. Rachel and Ashlynn came with the kids as soon as they'd wrapped up at summer school."

"I can't imagine a family reunion in flyover country is high on the list of excused absences from their Prep courses."

Leah snorted. "I'm surprised Ashlynn could be talked into coming at all. But don't you dare repeat that."

Anna-Lucia smiled into her coffee. "My lips are sealed. Is anyone else making it?"

"No word yet."

They were quiet a moment, companionably, listening to the now raucous birdsong. Early morning light had begun to filter in around the heavy curtains without her hardly noticing, but now Anna-Lucia was loathe to open them. The private, safe feeling of this hour, in this room, was precious.

Abruptly, she realized that this was Sunday morning. "Grandma, I hardly thought. But what about Fath-"

"Your father can tell you all about his exploits himself, I'm sure," Leah interrupted smoothly. "I doubt he'll sleep long - though he way he works himself, he certainly ought to..."

Leah chattered on for a moment while Anna-Lucia stared at her. Then ever so slightly, Leah pushed her lips together, a thin, warning line.

The illusion of safety shattered like a fumbled egg. They were listening.

Anna-Lucia stood, setting her barely touched coffee to the side, and flung open the curtains, letting the morning in like a waterfall.

[eternaleve]

Watching A Broken Frame music videos for the first time!

Carrying on with my Depeche Mode video rewatch project with the vids for A Broken Frame (first post is found here https://eternaleve.tumblr.com/post/624649762286780416/ive-spent-the-course-of-covid-lockdown-cycling)

I looked through my vinyl and found I did not steal my mother’s Depeche Mode singles from this album (I only stole all her Elvis Costello and Joy Division and a bunch of Japan singles which I suspect she snuck to me in hopes of making me like them) but they are all mysteriously gone. My abusive stepdad recently moved out and I have thoughts about what property he took, but this just seems petty. 

Anyway, let’s talk about A Broken Frame! Vince Clarke left the band to go and be the Paul McCartney of 80s electronic music, forming Yazoo and Erasure. Apparently he did not like success and touring and stuff, which is far because it’s a lot of pressure, so he’s out and Alan Wilder is in after responding to an ad in Melody Maker. Remember music journalism? He joined as a tour keyboardist and appears in the videos for the album, but didn’t contribute to the album.

 A Broken Frame was released eleven months after Speak & Spell, which doesn’t seem to be enough time to me for a band to create another whole album's worth of material. It just seems that a band spends a few years perfecting their sound and a selection of songs, and then a record label says, ‘Great! Now do the same thing, but in a much shorter timeframe, under much more stress, and in snatched moments between being shuttled from gig venue to gig venue!’. I understand there’s a ~hype train~ that music acts have to follow, because bands can slip out of notice so fricking quickly, but the pressure does not seem set up to maintain the mental and emotional well-being of people. I’m sure nothing like that will happen in the history of this bad though!

This album cover is considered one of the world’s greatest photographs for a reason. It’s stark and beautiful and has echoes of socialist realism and is just a really striking image. I don’t know who has final say over art direction in the band but whoever does has a great eye for images. The picture is taken over by Duxford and as I’m from the Midlands I have been to Duxford on a hundred school trips (it has a big air centre with WW2 planes and things and bits of the Berlin Wall), so I’ve probably been past this field an uncountable number of times without even realising it.

See You (Jan 1982, No 6 UK charts)

I like how it looks like fuzzy felt. It feels very, very different from the singles art from the last album, I guess to indicate a clear difference in direction? Maybe? This is the first single for the band written by Martin Gore and starting his reign as songwriter.

All the music videos for this album were directed by Julien Temple and are Not Liked by the band. I generally quite like Julien Temple’s work and watched a lot of it as a teen (stepdad being hugely into the Pistols), so I am intrigued to say the least how these will turn out to be.

This does give me a bit of a nostalgia kick for an old-fashioned style train station. It’s pretty much what my home station used to look like before everything was privatised, bought out by Virgin, turned bright red and full of commuters. I like how the station sparks to the beat of the music and that someone okayed an actual spending budget for this time around.

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE STATION THE PHOTOBOOTH IS HAUNTED

Not going to lie, this looks 100% like my Dad’s first ever passport photo. I like the addition of the bowtie. It adds a real ‘First Communion’ vibe to the whole look. The nose stud… well, I had a nose stud at the exact same period of my life. Same age too, I think, only mine stayed around a lot longer when it definitely should not have done.

It was at that moment he knew he had made a grave mistake in confronting the ‘Telephone Box Killer’ on his own.

Insert a standard ‘Original Selfie’ joke here. The use of the photobooth gives a cute little through line in the video, as well as giving other band members a chance to be present. I remember using photobooths to take fun photos, before they started costing so much goddamned money and put them only in the most inconvenient places. I still have a bunch that I keep in my purse.

… And now everyone’s working an office job? To show the passage of time? Or because it’s now a bit with music, so we’re showing the use of keyboards through office equipment that sort of requires you to make similar hand movements?

Something, something, statement about technology? The photobooth theme was fine! It was cute! It said something about the regret and passage of time from teen to young adult romance! Why are there now a lot of calculators?

Just in case you forgot - the single’s out now. Wink, wink.

But let’s go back and check in with our corporate overlords. Bob, how are you doing on the spyware floor?

… is this Julien Temple? Is it a music video within a music video? Did he put himself in the video? Could this part not have been done by a member of the band? Like, y’know, that new one who was clearly added in partly through this video?

I like the main core storyline of the video - thinking about a past relationship and then happening to run into them again unexpectedly - but I can see why this is perhaps not well thought of. Next one!

The Meaning of Love (April 82, No 12 UK charts)

This reminds me a lot of the cover for the first Adrian Mole book which was published the same year. It does not match the first single at all or the album, but I guess the album art was yet to be done? Or maybe two different departments handled them, because I would have gone with a different single cover if I knew that one of the greatest photographs of all time was in the wings for the album.

Reader, my heart dropped. I knew we were in for some deeply 80s bullshit. And, like, not good 80s bullshit.

This is the lounge act in the cruiseship of my nightmares

Martin Gore there looking like 99% of the lesbians on the DIY punk scene.

What the fuck is going on?

What, and I must reiterate, the fuck is going on? Are those pies? Pie eyes? Pie eye glasses? What does it mean?

Now’s not the time for your science homework, it’s time to film a music video.

Great, I know what image will be repeating in my night terrors tonight. Martin Gore’s face earnestly singing at me from the depths of a paramecium.

THIS JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE. THERE IS NO SITUATION ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET MADE BETTER WITH PUPPETS.

No, my night paralysis nightmare will be Dave Gahan’s face turning into a fucking pie over and over and over again.

Oh, I see, the Meaning of Love is that your wife will turn into a bitter harpy that won’t let you live your dream and also your life is ruined because she keeps letting the puppets sleep in the bed.

I guess the video has a sort of XTC vibe? It does remind me of the video of ‘Making Plans for Nigel’, which I do like, but also this video is fucking awful should be seen to be believed. I liked the band’s awkward choreography which was four men showing how much they did not want to be doing any of this.

Leave In Silence (August 82, No 18)

The font is nice. That’s about all there is to say for this. It doesn’t match the other two singles. I’m not saying everything has to be matchy-matchy, but it is nice to have visual similarity and consistency. This looks like the record label gave up on trying.

Okay, so we’ve got the album art sorted and starting out with a - I guess you could call it ‘low rural farming vocalisation’, and neither of these two things match the other singles or music videos, which have had a very poppy, teen girl, Smash Hits vibe. 

This week on The Generation Game, you could win a stainless steel bowl, a cuddly toy, and the lead singer of Depeche Mode!

This video started with a group of people vocalising while pouring out grain and looking very plaguecore, now we’re all playing around on a conveyor belt because I think Julien Temple has run out of ideas and is being artsy and surreal and weird to cover that up.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m sad to say that ‘The Fanciest Little Cowboy’ competition will not be running this year due to a lack of other contestants. This is a very fancy Little Cowboy though.

…. I…. what? 

I have seen many bad, bad, bad cursed images in my time, but this is going straight up to the top. What the fuck does this say about the song? The band? The image the record label is trying to project? This pointless weird imagery for the sake of being pointless and weird.

It’s okay, Jess. Bright Red Martin Gore can’t really hurt you. Only haunt you.

And now spacehoppers. Because of course spacehoppers!

The players from Pathologic show up to make a cameo appearance, matching nothing in the video, and seeming wildly out of place with everything else. Pick a theme or story, Julien! It is EITHER the Generation Game OR a terrifying children’s show OR guttural Soviet inspired plaguecore. You can pick one! Not all of them!

The Blue Man Group really had a rough start. The wheat is… just there. Because I guess Julien Temple couldn’t think of how to organically weave it an advertisement for the album. So there’s just a bundle of wheat for no good reason.

By this point, same, mate. That is the only reaction I am having.

These videos were… not great. I think ‘See You’ is the best and most cohesive - it tells a cute little story that ties in with the themes of the song and provides an emotional resonance. And then things just go off the bloody chain a bit. They get weird and experimental in a way that does not work in selling the band or the song. They seem pretty disconnected from what a music video should be and Julien Temple seemed to just run out of ideas by ‘Leave In Silence’. C- Mr Temple, must try harder.

And then onto Construction Time Again! ... well, when I get round to it. In a few days maybe.

[wordsandshawn]

Before Now - chapter 8

Previous Chapters 

8. 

Kristen waits until we’re both back in her car before she brings Shawn up again. Its already past midnight because we didn’t leave the festival after an hour like we had originally planned to get back home at a decent time. We both love live music far too much for that.

As soon as I’m seated back in the passenger side of Kristen’s car, I immediately pull my laptop out and start importing the photos from my camera. I can’t wait another second to see them and get started on the editing. Kristen starts backing out of the parking stall, “What was that all about?” And even though it’s been almost three hours since Shawn left the festival, and we had been rocking out that entire time, I know what she’s talking about and she knows I know.

“My photography professor didn’t get me the gig,” I admit. 

“I got that much.” She says shortly, her eyes glued to the road. “How do you know him?” She’s being a lot calmer about this than I expected, but I’m not sure if I should take that as a good sign or a bad sign.

I realize now that I’m in this situation, but I should have never kept this secret from Kristen. When I first met her, sure, it was understandable, but I’ve known her for two years now. I should have told her.

“Kris, I’m really sorry.”

Her voice gets low, “Skylar, just tell me how you know him.” She’s done with bullshit. 

“I’ve known him my whole life.” I blurt.

“What do you mean?” Her voice is shrill and for a second, I’m afraid that she is going to crash the car. I’m starting to rethink having this conversation while she’s behind the wheel of the car, but there’s no going back now.

“I mean, my mom and his mom are best friends. They have been since they were kids, so we kind of grew up together, a little.”

She’s silent, and Kristen is rarely ever silent, so I know it means something. I know it means a lot. “You’re lying.” She says, but in a tone that says she doesn’t know how to believe me, but she knows that I’m telling the truth.

“I’m not. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

“I don’t get it.” I know her mind is in a million places. I’m only grateful the anger hasn’t set in yet.

“I’ll explain whatever you want to know.” I offer, knowing she deserves an explanation, and it’s time for me to be honest.

“Well for starters, how could you have never mentioned it, not even a little? You know how much we love him.” She’s still in disbelief.

“It just felt weird to say after keeping it a secret for so long. I didn’t even know if you’d believe me.” She just glances at me quickly before looking back at the road.

When she doesn’t say anything in response, I take a deep breath, “In high school, when Shawn started to get famous, fans started digging up older pictures of Shawn and putting them on the internet. Some of those pictures had me in them. Shawn and I never went to the same schools, but when the kids at my high school learned that I knew him, that we grew up together, they wouldn’t leave me alone. They wanted information about Shawn, they wanted to be my friend because they thought that would mean they’d get in backstage to his shows. Some kids I thought wanted to be friends with me for me turned out to have only wanted to see if they could get to know Shawn through me. It hurt, and I got tired of being used like that. I wasn’t even close friends with Shawn by the time we reached high school. He was always gone, and we drifted apart. So, I just stopped telling anyone. I pretended I didn’t know him, and it seemed to work better.” After I finish talking, there are a few seconds of silence, probably because she doesn’t know what to say, and I’ve already said everything I have to say.

“Okay,” She pauses, still staring at the road, and I’m a little glad that her attention is divided between driving and this conversation. I’m not sure if I’d be able to have it face to face with all her attention on it. “Why didn’t you tell us later, when we were already friends. Why did you pretend to hate him? You knew we loved him.”

“Things are,” I pause, trying to find the right words. “Complicated between Shawn and I.” I dare to glance at her, and I notice her eyes widen. She knows that there has to be something within that word, complicated. And even I don’t know how to describe it, to explain what complicated even means.

“So, the ‘text me so I know you’re home safe,’ thing. That’s part of the complicated?”

I hesitate. I hadn’t thought too deeply about that sentence, except that it was what alerted Kristen to the fact that I didn’t just happen to get this gig for no real reason. “I think that’s just Shawn being Shawn.”

“I knew it!”

I’m startled by her shouting, but I ask, “Knew what?”

“I knew that he was a fucking sweetheart. You can’t fake something like that.”

I roll my eyes at her, but the smile on her face is so big that I can’t help but smile too. I’m glad that this took a turn away from the personal, even if just for a second or two. Surprisingly, Kristen doesn’t ask a ton of personal questions about Shawn. Instead, she’s more interested in what happened between us, my role in the story of the two of us. Eventually, we move on to other topics, although I know that we’ll be back on the topic of Shawn soon enough.

I spend the rest of the two-hour drive editing my pictures and trying to put together a mini video. I have a ton of fun editing the video, and I’m pleased to realize that both the pictures and videos turned out pretty great. I can get used to this concert photography thing. Tonight was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

When Kristen and I finally arrive back at our apartment, it's past two am, but I remember to text Shawn, well, Peter(bio101). We’re home, thanks for everything tonight. I’m sending a link to a drive of the photos and a video over in a bit.

I’m so glad you came, and I’m glad you got home safe. Looking forward to seeing the pics and vid.

I don’t reply for a while, since I’m busy uploading everything to the drive to send over to Shawn. During the ride back home, I carefully chose only the best photos and focused on editing those well. I’ve seen some of the photos that Shawn’s tour photographer has taken and they’re always stunning, so I know there’s a high standard for me to live up to, and I want to do my absolute best.

I send over the photos and the video, then text Shawn. I sent them over. If you post them, do you mind not tagging me or mentioning my ig? He’ll probably think I’m weird because the whole point of this was supposed to be to help my career, and I should want the recognition for my work, but I don’t. Not for this, not right now. I’ll probably use these pictures in my portfolio, but I don’t need Shawn linking them to my social media. If it's linked then people from my Uni will probably start asking questions, and Greg will find out. It’s that last part I’m trying to avoid most. I honestly don’t think Greg processed in his mind that the person who stood up for me that night at the bar was Shawn Mendes. And as long as he never does, then we should be okay.

I’m about to fall asleep when Shawn finally replies. It all looks amazing, Skylar! Are you sure you don’t want credit?

I’m sure. I type back. Thanks again, Shawn, I really appreciate it.

And I fall asleep before bothering to wait for a reply.

~

If last night was a dream, then I certainly wake to reality. Four missed calls from Greg, and a string of text messages I strain to read through barely open eyes. The essential message is that he knows I went to a festival last night when I said I had a photography project. I don’t answer right away, but I start planning my response. I’m tired of lying, but I feel trapped, like I have no choice.

Greg has been going through a lot lately with his work and his family, so I don’t want to make things worse for him. I don’t want to upset him, although it is so hard not to, no matter what I do. I open Instagram and see Kristen’s Instagram post from last night. Even worse, her Instagram is public, and Shawn followed her. How he found her, I have no idea, but it is what it is. Who else follows her, none other than Greg, so my first question of how he found out is answered. It isn’t Kristen’s fault, its mine. I didn’t ask her not to post anything from last night. I didn’t even tell her that I lied to Greg. It’s my own fault for not seeing it coming.  And now I have to face the consequences.

I finally gather up the courage to call him, knowing I can’t put it off any longer. He doesn’t answer, so I assume he’s busy. I text him back telling him that I did go for photography and I didn’t mean to lie to him. He doesn’t respond. I try catching up on some homework, but I’m bombarded by my other roommates who have obviously found out my connection to Shawn. They have a lot of questions, even more than Kristen. Most of the questions I don’t even have answers for, and I try to explain to them that I don’t know Shawn anymore, not really.

When I think about Greg again, I realize it’s been three hours since I texted and called him, and there hasn’t been a response. I’m trying not to read too much into it, but I do anyway.

By the time its six pm and I’ve texted and called him several more times still with no response, I think it’s clear that he’s not wanting to talk to me. I normally spend Saturday nights with him, but since he’s not picking up the phone and I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing, I decide to go out with my friends instead.

This proves to be the second big mistake of the weekend because he texts me at midnight asking me why I’m not home. He’s at my apartment and he’s upset that I’m not there. I leave the club to call him, and this time he actually answers. “Where the fuck are you?” He questions.

“I’m downtown, at a club.” I say, forcing to keep my voice even although my heart is beating out of my chest right now. A club was not my first choice for a fun Saturday night, but all my friends were going, and my boyfriend was ignoring me, so my choices were club or stay home alone in my apartment.

He sounds angry, but he also sounds sad, which catches me by surprise since he ignored me all day. I ask him to pick me up from the club and we go back home together. He’s been depressed or angry a lot more than usual lately, and I’m never exactly sure what I’m going to get when I talk to him. I want to love him, to show him that I love him because he’s sad. But he’s still mad at me for not telling him about the show and for not inviting him, and he’s made it clear that even though he picked me up, things are not okay between us. I have a lot of making up to do for lying, but he’s so cold to me, I can’t even make it up to him. I’m torn with what to do. I’m confused. I feel like this is my fault, that it's my fault he’s sad, but I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know what to do to make things better for Greg or better between us. I just want to stop feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around him all the time. It’s exhausting, but I don’t know how to fix things, no matter how desperately I want to. 

chapter 9

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: this is why i don't wear shoes Ali: i have lost one??? Ali: rescue it if you see it Carly: what do they look like Ali: just a kinda tan sandal thing Ali: just a penneys special so not the end of the world, should chuck the other one so someone can have the pair Carly: come & bring me food & then youll be here to reunite them Carly: but yea k will lean out my door & see if its there Ali: love the enthusiasm, babe 😜 Ali: can feel your come down from here Carly: dont barely remember the come up Carly: wtf happened last night Ali: not in a much better position myself but uhm Ali: mayhem, that's for sure Ali: i think you might've gone home with the wrong cousin Carly: shit Carly: my bad Carly: better read my txts Carly: who did you go w ? Ali: didn't go that far with anyone Ali: 💍 remember and such a 😇 Ali: ronan was in a mard though and i weren't up for listening to that so 🤷 Carly: aw Carly: sorry baby i'll calm him down Ali: it's chill 😂 bless him Ali: no need on my account tho i'm sure he'd be down, despite protests otherwise Carly: my inbox is Carly: cba w this rn Ali: oh baby, want a bacon sarnie and a secretary? Carly: yea Carly: gonna throw my phone w your shoe Ali: i woke up to a mystery dickpic on my phone Ali: is it rude to ask which one it belongs to because lads, sorry, not that memorable that i'm picking it out of a line-up Ali: you'll know, been more recent, i'll come over with food and lucozade for real and ruin your day with that lovely image and the actually rather creative sexts that went with it Ali: 10/10 for effort, sir Carly: cant put it on the cv or school report but my memory for 'em is good Carly: if ive seen it i'll id it Carly: ill laff if its the large ginge cousin whose name i never got Carly: sounded like a cough Ali: that's a talent and if the man can't see that, fuck him Ali: and his job in tescos, like Ali: i mean, shouldn't have a preference but i hope not 😂 Ali: soz honey but Carly: thanks baby Carly: I hope its that token english Carly: he was fit Ali: can reply if you like Ali: worse ways to waste a sunday morning than messing with boys Ali: sounding like a priest Ali: oops Carly: ha Carly: i found some fucking funny vids of us so maybe the phone shouldnt go out window before youve had a look Ali: yes, i need to see that Carly: [sends her fave of the vids] Ali: aww Ali: we're fun drunks Ali: love that for us Carly: yea Carly: im a messy bitch tho Carly: no wonder i went w the hero cousin Ali: meh, things happen at parties, everyone knows that Ali: not like you're proper attached is it Ali: though he's gonna be annoying now probs but day in the life when you're irresistible, yeah? Carly: youd know babe Carly: he wont be on site long never is Carly: so idc Carly: saved me for a nite boy youre welcome Ali: duh Ali: hottest couple in town Ali: one for the wank bank anyway Carly: yea & he is fit Carly: give him that Carly: esp when i dont understand what hes saying Ali: the best kind Ali: a boy you don't have to speak to 😜 Ali: if that's all it takes like, whip out the Gaeilge Carly: youve got the giggles but yea Carly: true Carly: but on site id just have all the oldies chatting at me if i could Carly: not trying to make them go weak Ali: they ain't daddies? boo 😥 Carly: some got many kids but thats it Carly: say something to me then Ali: [sends voice memo, probably has dirty words she'd recognise from site life and lots of loling] Carly: k Carly: so hot Carly: if your gf is mad at me for stealing you last nite you can smooth things over w her like that Ali: might have to Ali: though it ain't you she's 😤 with Ali: poor ronan, shoulda done more than snog him if she comes for him, not even worth it for that Carly: ill protect him when he lets me back near Carly: cant stay mad at this Carly: sure your girls the same Ali: She's mad 24/7 babe, just gotta hold on, like 😂 Ali: we want different things now but that's not a convo for this morning like jesus Carly: whos got the energy Carly: cba w angry Carly: yea you want a sarnie Ali: exactly, and i wanted to have fun last night but may as well have said i want his dick in or around my mouth k bye babe Carly: ha Carly: that would be fun tho Ali: tell that to past you, dashing his threesome dreams like 🤷💔 Carly: still time Ali: not me you need to promise baby Carly: yea but id rather talk to you Ali: 💚 Ali: you cute Carly: all you Carly: how you look so good coming from band? wtf Ali: psh please Ali: it was all about you 🙇 Carly: if that was true why is every memory i got from last nite just you Carly: facts Ali: had to get you away from that mirror somehow, like 😉 Ali: it was fun Carly: ha Carly: cuz your talents got me like Carly: yea it was Ali: helps when the canvas already beautiful babe Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Ali: 🍓 Carly: gonna make me cry Ali: don't cry lil one Ali: the bacon is coming Ali: got roped into doing a shady kid swap, where is my ma, take this demon child Carly: you can bring him if you want Carly: ill put clothes on before Ali: cockblocked again 😉 Ali: nah, he needs to go get shoes Ali: ironically and unlucky, twat Carly: what size is he Carly: i can ask around when i look for yours Carly: lads flog everything and anything here on sundays Ali: his feet are big man Ali: he's only little but he's lanky af, unlike me Ali: that's fun tho Ali: imma go shopping Carly: aw Carly: yea wish i was taller Carly: ffs ma and da Ali: literally Ali: least neither of my sisters are model tall or i'd be more raging Ali: we make it work, babe Carly: & i dont have any sisters Carly: well done on that one tho ma & da Ali: speak for yourself Ali: i'm gutted Carly: oww Carly: trying to replace me like the vows were no thing Ali: you know you're my one and only Ali: but a woman got needs Carly: thats what your gf is for Carly: no Ali: yeah but i'm allowed wishful thinking too Ali: damn Carly: ive given you the mental image of me naked Carly: what more you need Ali: are you jealous of your hypothetical sister? Carly: yea if you like her more Ali: aw baby, 'course not Ali: she's a ride, yeah, but bit of a bitch too, like Carly: ha Carly: takes after our ma like Ali: sadly, straighter than you Ali: 👎 Carly: like theres a ranking Carly: just straight or not yea Ali: I mean, it is a scale but I'm not gonna try and bond with your Ma giving her the test for it, like Ali: could we tie her down for a sec, obvs Carly: hit her when shes washing up Carly: takes long Ali: okay, i'll dry 😉 Ali: what an offer Carly: trying to make me vom now Carly: take crying or blushing over Ali: soz babe Carly: her & my da dont fuck but still dont reckon youre her type Ali: don't know what's worse, that, or knowing they do Carly: im good w them not Carly: sound carries Carly: no secrets in the caravan Ali: sure there's a toilet block they could go to Ali: keeping it sexy Carly: sure my da's there doing his cry wank Carly: while my ma checks the talent Carly: we got that to look forward to in our marriage in a few years Ali: who's scouting who's cranking Ali: because frankly, i refuse either Carly: im the biggest slag so probs me Carly: sorry Ali: and I'm not Ali: igloo sisters how many times now?! 😂 Carly: ha Carly: but youre loyal Carly: me and my ma dont kno the meaning like Ali: am i Ali: you miss the part when i got on ronan Carly: o yea Carly: i forgot Ali: idk what i'm gonna do about that Ali: instant gameover but its literally so irrelevant Carly: hes a ride Carly: you should be excused for it Ali: she's a 6 on that scale, yeah, massive gay Ali: so she ain't seeing that, never mind the other shit Carly: shit yea Carly: dont tell her Ali: does that make me the worst? Ali: i should hm Carly: hes not gonna speak to her Carly: and if he brags you can call it that Ali: Yeah Ali: I don't know Carly: its that or tell her Carly: & say youre sorry Carly: we were all wasted Carly: not like you have feelings for him Ali: You're right, obviously Ali: like that's the truth but yeah Ali: might leave it unless I need to go there Ali: soz God, swing by confession later Carly: tell her youre a bi cliche Carly: she'd love it Carly: use the scale Ali: she would tho Ali: validate everything she's ever sneaky or not so thought about me Ali: soz, i need a constant stream of p n v or i die Carly: a girl has needs Carly: what am i a 1? Ali: its like dis Ali: 1- all straight 2- mostly straight but lil gay 3- equal/bi 4- mostly gay but still lil into opposite 5- total gay Ali: but not gonna resist the urge to tell you you a 10 Carly: 🥇 Carly: i like that you're 3 tho. 3's a lucky number Ali: and a magic one 🔮 Carly: yea cuz youre magical Ali: believe it baby Carly: i do Ali: right, finally leaving, be like 10 Ali: doing the opposite to a walk of shame rn, strutting back in like what's good Carly: you gotta Carly: own it baby Carly: havent found your shoe tho sorry Carly: maybe ronan took it cuz he loves you so bad Ali: 😂 oh my god Ali: like a horny puppy Carly: yea Carly: building a shrine to you rn probs Ali: or he wanna play cinderella Ali: such a ridiculous fairytale, as far as they go Carly: how wasted was the prince that he cant remember what she looks like Carly: k been there but not trying to wife anyone Ali: right?! also, sure plenty of bitches a size 5, like??? Ali: was it a magic shoe Ali: no explanation, frankly Carly: yea like me and you have the same size Carly: ill take your prince for a ride bitch Ali: 😂 Ali: he cool with that Ali: that's the tea Ali: boy gives no fucks, long as it ain't a man in drag Carly: he hasnt met your brother tho Carly: boy looks good Ali: eww Ali: stop that thought right there Carly: dont get jealous Carly: not gonna go there Ali: not jealous, but repulsed 😷 Carly: k babe Carly: if you say so Ali: trust, you wanna see jealous you'll see it soon enough if you go there Ali: 😂 bea don't fuck about Carly: have to go for one of your other hot brothers Ali: trying be my sister in law and wife Ali: kickin it country Carly: you kno Carly: been on site too long Ali: forreal, not gotta hang with the traveller lads that hard baby Carly: after last nite not gonna be hanging w them for a while Ali: let 'em fight it out amongst themselves Ali: defs for the best Carly: yea Carly: hide w me babe Carly: gonna be so bored Ali: gonna Ali: i'll peep their wares another day Ali: not a euphemism Carly: sounds dirty tho Ali: yeah, regretted it as i said it but hey Ali: love me a sale and a gypsy boy Carly: no regrets boo Carly: they love you too Carly: esp whoever send the dick pic Ali: the real mystery Ali: soz everyone else with your drama but we gotta know Carly: i do need to be knowing Carly: thats my wife lads Ali: awh you gonna defend my honour n delicate sensibilities Carly: yea Carly: youre an angel Ali: you're so cute Carly: its you Carly: my parents came back Carly: gonna have to run Ali: oh no i am en route Ali: where you going boo Carly: i'll catch you and we can find somewhere theyre not Carly: ha church Carly: can you eat there cuz im not looking to die for jesus Ali: yeah for sure, not in the pews like its the cinema, like Ali: can go park if you wanna Ali: or up the mountain if you can hack it, like Carly: youre so smart Carly: like your mouth Carly: but yea Carly: date time Ali: awh yeah Ali: this picnic ain't goals i'm so sorry babe Ali: least the weather's looking up Carly: idc Carly: get to be w my boo Ali: 😍 Carly: i look crazy Carly: havent got dressed faster w out getting fucked before since idc Carly: idk Ali: i like crazy Ali: and beside me you'll probs look totally normal 😉 Carly: you look hot every day baby Carly: facts Ali: all these compliments got me feeling 🔥 obvs Carly: thats how i want it Ali: gonna have you flying high too Ali: top of the world, baby Carly: aw Carly: whats in the food like Ali: 😂 Ali: just faith n trust n pixiedust, of course Carly: you can snort pixiedust yea? Carly: k Ali: you gon' be mad when i've got nothing but sandwiches and half a donut Carly: nah Carly: cant be mad at you Carly: too cute Ali: and donuts are life Carly: true

[lalka-laski]

If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? No doubt about it. I actually have a keen eye for style & can coordinate outfits really well. I used to do it for houuuurs on Polyvore (is that still a site?). But alas, I don’t have the money to dress to my heart’s desire. 

How do you/did you get to school? From elementary school through high school, I rode the bus, Then in college, I walked.

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? I’m sure at some point. I grew up with two sisters so that’s bound to happen. 

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? I’m more inclined to say it’s creepy however, Glenn actually was admiring me for years before I even knew who he was. But he never acted on that attraction so does that count as a secret admirer? 

What was the last song you sung out loud? One’s not coming to mind

Have you ever had to have a pet put down? UGH WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? I still haven’t learned because I’m too scared.

What was the last book you read? I’m in the middle of Daisy Jones & The Six right now and I’m completely hooked! Tons of people have recommended it to me & I’m beating myself up that it took me this long. 

Did you enjoy it, or were you glad to be finished? Oh I’m loving every minute of it. I even brought it with me to work today hoping I could sneak a few pages, maybe a few chapters in.

Do you ever wonder what other people are thinking when they stare at you? Those are the thoughts that constantly torture me. 

Have you ever gone out of your way to get someone’s attention? I was a teenage girl at one point. Let’s be real.

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? Yesterday was BRUTAL. I only got 3-4 hours sleep tops and I am absolutely not the type of person who can function without rest. Last night I got a little more sleep but I’m hyped on caffeine so I hardly notice. 

What candy cane flavor is your favorite? I’ve never put much thought into it. The fruity ones like Starburst & Jolly Rancher are really good, I gotta admit.

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? A huge majority of Hollywood. Too many to list.

Do you get angry when fast food restaurants mess up your order? I get a little bummed but ONLY because it seems like *I* am the only person whose order gets messed up or forgotten. Even my sister has noticed that it seems to always happen to me. And I don’t have complicated orders by any means! So it bums me out but it doesn’t actually make me angry. And I would NEVER stage a complaint. I’d go hungry before I go Karen. 

Have you ever had a ridiculous hair cut? Yeah. After my last breakup I cut my hair collarbone length hoping I’d give off some Jennifer Lawrence vibes. I was not Jennifer Lawrence. I was fucking Lord Farquaad. 

What was your favorite elective class in high school? High school was too long ago for me to remember but my guess is it was some type of creative writing. 

Did you ever wish you could be homeschooled? Uh, no.  Was it hard for you to get up this morning? I moaned & groaned like usual but it surprisingly wasn’t as hard as most mornings. 

Have you ever had a dream so realistic you could’ve sworn it happened? Those terrify me. It’s extra unnerving because I have a hard time distinguishing between real and imagined memories as it is. 

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? I did a lot of coloring at the beginning of quarantine. None since though. 

Can you remember the first survey you filled out? Oh God, no clue. It was back in the Myspace days, I know that much... 

Do you have any mental disorders? WHERE. DO. I. BEGIN. 

Do you feel comfortable talking about these disorders, if you have them? Well anyone who’s spent 15 seconds with me knows I have anxiety, so I can’t even hide that if I tried. And I’m pretty open about my other diagnoses if/when they come up in conversation.

Where did you go on your last field trip? I guess Senior Trip my senior year of high school? I don’t recall taking any field trips in college. 

Are you able to agree to disagree? Or do you have to have the last word? I don’t like confrontation so I try to shut things down as quickly as possible. I’m ok with someone having the last word. But that likely stems from my lack of confidence. I tend to second-guess myself in arguments, even if I’m well-versed on the topic at hand. 

Do you think you make a good first impression? I make great first, even second, impressions. I think it’s when people start to truly know me that things unravel. 

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? OH YES. I should be more understanding and forgiving but if someone rubs me the wrong way right off the bat, I can’t shake it. Bad energy is bad energy! 

Are your friends who you thought they were when you first met? Not all of them. Some for the better, some for worse. 

How have you changed in the past year? If we examine where I was this day last year, I’ve made considerable progress with my mental and physical health. But that progress took a nosedive during quarantine. Ok, maybe not a nosedive. I’m still an improved version of myself from last year and I should celebrate that. 

How about in the past five years? 2020 Elizabeth is living 2015 Elizabeth’s wildest dreams!!!! I am leagues ahead of where I was then. 

What do you do when you feel like giving up on something? I hate to say it but I usually just give up. I’m not much of a fighter. 

Have you ever had to give up on someone? Many a time. 

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? Um well, my self-esteem is easily shattered enough as it is so I do NOT handle breakups well. But breaking someone’s heart is an equally awful feeling so

Is there a cover song you like better than the original version? Blackbird by David Gray. 

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? Of course it is. It’s a commonly accepted opinion that Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt” is better than the original. There are plenty other examples I’m sure but that came to mind first.

Do you still watch any cartoons? You mean from childhood? I honestly don’t but I should. That could be really soothing. 

Are you just too lazy to recycle? Guilty as charged

Think of the last person you talked to–do you love him/her? In person? No. Via text? Yes. 

Do you fit your zodiac sign? I’m a Cancer to a fault. 

What is one of your weak points? Hyper-sensitivity (see above^) 

What is one of your strong points? Empathy 

Are you calm in emergency situations? FAR FAR FROM IT. 

When was the last time you cursed at someone? As far as cursing directly AT somebody out of anger or something, I don’t remember. 

Are you afraid of losing someone you love? That’s my biggest fear

Who are you most attached to? Glenn

What do you depend on other people for? Providing a rational response to my irrational emotions, calming me down, soothing my anxiety. 

Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I don’t know actually? 

Do you like facial hair? How about chest hair? I love both. Glenn doesn’t believe that I’m attracted to his chest hair (actually, all his body hair) but I find it incredibly sexy. 

If you have a favorite number, how did you choose it? I don’t really have one. I guess either 7 or 13 because those are my birthdate numbers? 

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? Well I have an inferiority complex so breakups just confirm all the pre-existing thoughts I have about myself. 

What goes through your mind when someone asks you out? This is gonna sound funny considering my previous response but my usual reaction to getting asked out is fear. Ever since the first time a boy asked me out, I found it more scary and nerve-wracking than flattering. 

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? Sort of? 

Do you style your hair daily? Hell nope

Who was the last person to compliment your appearance? What’d they say? Glenn called me pretty last night but I’m not sure that really counts because he’s my boyfriend and isn’t that his job? Is there any movie you just can’t stand to watch? Most movies. They’re just not my thing.

What do you think of pornography? Most porn I watch isn’t actual intercourse. But I love bondage so I like roleplay vids and stuff like that. 

What hair products do you use regularly? Daily I just use shampoo and conditioner, and then purple toning shampoo once-twice a week and hairspray on days I curl my hair. Lately I’ve been trying out a texturizing/volumizing spray but most of the time I forget ‘till it’s too late. 

Does it bother you when people use extremely bad grammar? Nah. Language skills vary wildly and are often informed by a person’s culture, family, or socioeconomic background. It’s classist & racist to judge a person’s intelligence or abilities on his/her grammar.  Do you have a hard time talking about sex with the opposite gender? Not at all. I might even be TOO comfortable with it. 

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? Female, for sure. My pediatrician was a male & he was wonderful but I prefer only females for any type of medical situation now. Oh, except for my dentist. But that’s only because I think he’s hot :P

Have you ever had major surgery? Not really. I had my tonsils out when I was a kid but that’s pretty run-of-the-mill I think? 

Could you go a month without speaking? Uh maybe?

Is there any food you don’t like that a lot of others do? Well I don’t eat any type of meat or fish so, I guess that. 

Have you ever followed a trend? If so, what was it? Lots of them as a tween/teen. It’s par for the course at that age. 

Have you ever started a trend, even a small one? Likely not. I hold no sway anywhere lol

What was the last thing you bragged about? I’m not much of a bragger. At least I don’t think?

[yo-mk]

#17: On generosity, the worst years and sunny days again

Last week, I mentioned having little motivation, and this week I find I have little energy as I'm scrambling to finish everything I need to get done. I'm a bit drained of attention, emotional energy and time. On a personal level, I've had a decent 2016 but many of the people around me are going through some heavy stuff, so I've been trying to support them to the best of my ability. On top of that, what's happening in the world lately has taken a toll. There's always some big world event or catastrophe around the holidays and 2016 has been no different with this week already full of tragic news from around the globe. In an effort to not be completely be consumed by grief or immobilized by fear (and to avoid throwing more fuel into the dumpster fire of 2016), I've been reminding myself that this year is not the worst ever. No year is the worst ever. Worse things have happened and even more atrocious things have yet to come. We also have plenty to celebrate and be grateful for. Humans have a tendency to ruminate more on negative events, and bad impressions leave more of an impact than positive ones, so it's no wonder that we seem to only remember the bombings, shootings, attacks and deaths of the year. I came across this piece by Jia Tolentino about how this year was the worst ever, that is until next year rolls around. She writes, "Perhaps 2016 feels so terrible partly because so many of us felt like we'd come so far." She worries about how news is delivered through social media, channels that are supposed to connect us but have instead spawned fear and alienation through the relentless emotional bombardment. That kind of aggressive and intimate delivery is bound to be taxing on us. She continues that, "Hope is elusive, but it will return eventually," and I'd like to cling to that sentiment heading into 2017. This is the last newsletter of the year, and I have some changes planned for next year, so stay tuned. Until then, I'm delighted to end on a cheery note. We're about to nosedive into winter, but it also means that after tomorrow's solstice, the days will slowly get longer again! This month's interview is courtesy of entrepreneur, father and all-around-good-vibes dude, Adrian Fenty, who has one of the warmest smiles around. Born and raised in Toronto, the 35-year-old recently completed Run for Change, a cross-province run designed to spark "collective conversation around creating positive movements" in response to challenges people face. Starting off in at Toronto's City Hall, Adrian ran to Parliament Hill in Ottawa over nine days, encouraging others to join him for stretches along the way. Run for Change isn't about a single issue and Adrian was motivated to create awareness around cancer as well as to speak up about the social injustices and violence that has happened in the U.S. as well as Toronto this year. "Run for Change can stand for whatever you want it to be," he says. [It's about] improving yourself so each day you can get up and try to do better than yesterday." Adrian got into running about six years ago, through the encouragement of a friend who was a marathoner. He grew up playing basketball but after losing his father to cancer, he decided to try running and found it was a good outlet for his grief. "I started doing 1k, and I remember how it was such a struggle." But he kept at it and eventually signed up for a 10k race in Yorkville (an area in Toronto). "After that race, I caught a bug and continued", running his first marathon in 2013 in New York. He cites Terry Fox (and even mentions Forrest Gump!) as inspiration for Run the Change. "I saw the action of someone taking the courageous step to sacrifice their body and time to get people involved and aware." He wants to move others to make positive change and to get others to consider that normal everyday folks can make a difference as much as a celebrity. "You don't have to be a superstar or athlete or artist. Everyone always thinks those are the only ways you can change the world but a normal individual like myself can take it upon [themselves to create change]." Toronto to Ottawa is over 450 kilometres and he worked with a coach to get ready. His training regimen had him running morning distances of 20-25km, then after a full day at work, he would come home and do another 15-25km run. "I knew it was going to be nine days in a row of 50-plus kilometres, so it was really intense--it's crazy what the body can do once it gets accustomed to all the training," he says. Adrian enlisted the help of his dear friend Kiana, who drove the car behind him and provided support along the way. "When I had this idea in my mind [I was] thinking about who was going to come on this journey with me, who was not going to get bored driving at eight miles an hour," laughs a grateful Adrian. Kiana played a key role along the way. "She was always smiling when I look[ed] at the car, looking out for me with lights, had the drinks and snacks ready." Not only was the experience life-changing for Adrian, he says it changed Kiana too. She didn't know how to swim before but always wanted to learn and since returning has been learning. He also made sure the two enjoyed themselves especially since people don't show the fun side of running enough, being too focused on chip times and pace. "We gotta have fun with this because you don't want to put this thing on that looks daunting and that only elite people can do. Everyday we got up, did a little prayer, were thankful, listened to some music to start the day and ran." The planned route was along Kingston Road, starting from Toronto's Queen Street up to Scarborough and then hitting towns like Ajax, Newcastle, Bowmanville, Belleville, Napanee, Kingston, Brockville, and Kemptville along the way. He was blown away by people's hospitality, opening their doors and inviting them in for meals and offering them a place to crash. He chuckles about an incident in Port Hope when he posted a photo of a burger joint on his Instagram. A friend recognized the place and messaged him. "He was like, 'Hey, is that Olympus Burger? I'm 10 minutes from there!'" Adrian and Kiana were able to connect with his friend and stay with him and his family. People not only opened their wallets, they offered their homes as well. "Each day was filled with such new experiences and meeting new people, and you just felt the generosity of human beings." They also had luck on their side with no mishaps--the car didn't break down and there were no accidents or injuries. Even the weather cooperated. Other than a couple days of rain, it was mostly dry. The day after Adrian reached Ottawa, there was a snowstorm. People often ask me what I think about when I'm running, so naturally I asked Adrian what he thought about since he ran the equivalent of approximately 10 marathons in nine days. That's a lot of time on the road and a lot of time for reflection. "Honestly some days I just ran. It sounds silly but you don't think about other things," he says. There were days where he was exhausted but he just put one foot in front of the other. "It's one step after another and you get to your destination." Whether it was through brands offering gels and gear, encouragement from the Parkdale Roadrunners and the Toronto running community or strangers offering up their couches, Adrian is thankful for all the support he received, both in real life and through social media. "[That's something that's] different from Terry Fox's time. He was out there on his own unless he was doing a news conference." Adrian was able to connect with people and let friends and family follow along the way using social media. Adrian is planning to do another Run for Change event next year, working with the Terry Fox Foundation. They also plan to work with school boards--during his run several schools wrote him letters with messages of encouragement and inspiration from the students--to elicit change and positivity in others. To donate to Run for Change, check out their GoFundMe page. Their website Runforchange.ca should be up in the new year.

Fuel for the mind Yeezy's been cozying up with Trump and this essay from 2013 speculates on his motives. Stuffed animals are getting softer and here's why. This profile of Barack Obama by Ta-Nehisi Coates had me crying on several occasions and is an excellent analysis of his rise and legacy. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm obsessed with seltzer/fizzy water. Anyway, there's an episode of Gastropod that is dedicated to the history and appeal of seltzer. Was Tilda Swinton's "conversation" with Margaret Cho about the erasure of Asian-Americans from Hollywood films just white guilt seeking to be absolved? Jay Caspian Kang's open letter to fellow minority journalists. Running as the thinking person's sport and as therapy.

Fuel for the ears I've fallen into a music video rabbit hole this week. Seth Scriver's new video for New Fries' "JZ III" is a visual treat! The loose narrative behind Mndsn's new album Body Wash is a man who washes in a special body wash, and as he soaks and sinks deeper into the thick lather, he finds himself transported to an alternate dimension. Dance around to "One Last Time" by Evan Gordon featuring LCON. Never forget that "Truth is the Freshest Fruit." Enter a dream world with the sparkly sounds of Maylee Todd's "Homegurl." A lil' novelty rockabilly from 1959. Phèdre's ZASTROSZY is a fun and neurotic time and the music vid is chock full of cool costumes, spacey hairdos and twinkling lights. As is "World Gong Crazy" by Han Han with DATU and HATAW. There's so much to take in and celebrate in DJ Shub's "Indomintable" video featuring Northern Cree Singers.

Sweet fancy Moses, another year gone by! So long 2016!