#because this is just a snippet of events set prior to a longer bucky/steve fic i'd like to write one day in the future (it possible)

[vaelaerion]

It's You (But I Can't Let You Know) Bucky/Steve | 2.8k | Read on AO3 A/B/O AU → omega!Steve + alpha!Bucky Set during Captain America: The First Avenger. Part one of the It Was (And Will Always Be) You series. ✿ If you like my writings, please consider buying me a ko-fi! ✿

Unease wormed its way inside Steve’s chest as he noticed Bucky’s lingering gaze on Peggy as she left. She’d looked absolutely beautiful in the form-fitting red dress she’d donned for the night, and given what the blond omega had seen before she approached and spoke to him, Steve knew most of the people in the bar had noticed her and had been captivated by her beauty.

Including Bucky.

Steve cleared his throat, hoping to catch Bucky’s attention, but when it unsurprisingly failed, given the booming music and voices around them, he then called out, “Hey, Bucky?”

“Yeah?” the alpha answered mindlessly as he finally turned around to face Steve. Yet the inscrutable expression the alpha wore in the moment only served to further unnerve the omega.

“You, uh— Do you think we can head on outside for a bit?” Steve looked around the bar with a slight frown before settling a nervous, almost sheepish gaze on the alpha.

Bucky seemed to read his growing discomfort, because his features relaxed before he gave Steve a small smile—one that made the omega let out a tiny, relieved breath of air—and quickly nodded his head as he replied, “Yeah, ‘course. Come on, let’s get the heck outta here.”

The two made their way out of the bar until they were both outside, feeling the cool, thick night air brushing against their skin. They continued walking side-by-side in silence, making their way down the street until a few blocks later they stumbled across a small, deserted park.

Spotting an empty bench near them, Bucky nudged Steve with his shoulder and pointed to it. Steve, understanding what Bucky was saying, gave a nod before the two made their way over and sat down. Though the bench was about a meter long, there was but a small distance of space between them, enough that their sides and shoulders weren’t touching, but if Steve were to lean just the tiniest bit to his left, his shoulder would bump into Bucky’s.

Trying not to think much about the minuscule distance between their bodies as they sat side-by-side, and the furious beating of his heart due to their proximity, Steve chanced a glance at Bucky’s face. The alpha was looking up at the dark, star-less sky, seemingly lost in thought. The faint light from the streetlamps around them was warm, reflecting off Bucky’s skin and making the alpha’s profile glow in a way that stole Steve’s breath away. Steve could feel his heartbeat pick up slightly as the thought that the alpha looked painfully handsome, especially while wearing his uniform.

In that moment, Steve’s treacherous mind told him that right now would be the perfect time to reach out and tilt Bucky’s head so that the alpha was looking at him, to lean forwards until their lips—

Immediately, Steve looked away and cut the train of thought off, forcing himself to think of something else, but seconds later, everything on his mind from before he’d asked Bucky if they could leave the bar came flooding back.

Steve thought he’d lost Bucky, but now, here he was, sitting right next to him, looking so beautiful and alive that Steve’s heart felt like it was going to burst from the elation and relief and love that swelled inside of him. He couldn’t forget it—how, as soon as he’d spotted Bucky’s body strapped to a chair in the factory, he’d wanted nothing more than to free the alpha and wrap his arms protectively around Bucky and never let him go, to drown himself in the Bucky’s musky, comforting scent, to then rest his head on Bucky’s chest to hear the alpha’s heart beating to assure himself that, no, he wasn’t dreaming, Bucky was indeed very much alive.

But given everything—their hasty exit from the Hydra camp, the people with them as they made their way back to their own camp, then arriving at the camp with people surrounding them to congratulate them, and how busy Steve had become while assisting Peggy and the Colonel on mapping the other Hydra camps he’s seen on the map back in the factory—all Steve had gotten from Bucky since their return was a painfully brief hug and a smile. The omega knew asking for more than that—Steve forced himself to let continue his previous train of thought—from the alpha was incredibly selfish and impossible, but even so, his treacherous heart yearned for more.

“So…” Bucky started after a moment, breaking the easy silence and pulling Steve from his thoughts, “whatcha plannin’ on doin’ ‘bout that pretty alpha lady?” When Steve only gave Bucky a deeply confused look, his brows pulled together and his blue eyes staring quizzically at the alpha that was now looking right back at him expectantly, Bucky gave a sigh and then added, “Steve, I know your eyesight wasn’t the best before, but now…I mean, come on, you can tell she’s interested in ya, right?”

She? the question popped up in Steve’s mind.

“God, I can’t believe this,” Bucky let out a laugh, “in case ya haven’t figured out who I’m talkin’ ‘bout, genius, I’m referrin’ to that beautiful dame in the lovely red dress from before. Agent Carter, I believe’s her name, right?”

“Oh, uh…” Steve felt his face grow slightly warm in embarrassment. Feeling unsure of how exactly to reply, Steve shut his lips and didn’t dare to say anything more.

But Steve’s lack of response made Bucky’s eyes widen, his eyebrows reaching up into his hairline in surprise. “Christ, Steve, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the way she looks at ya? I mean, Jesus, you’d have to been blind to’ve missed the way she was eyein’ ya back there in the bar. I’m pretty sure everyone noticed.”

“Well…” Steve hesitated, feeling his face grow even warmer, “no—I mean, I sorta have other things to worry about right now, Buck.”

“I know, I know,” Bucky agreed with a short nod, “but come on, Stevie, she— I know I’m an alpha too, but, damn, that gal’s beautiful. And that red dress she was wearing…” the alpha let out a low whistle and then waggled his eyebrows suggestively, “‘m pretty sure every single beta and omega in that bar, and even some alphas too, noticed just how stunning she looked.”

The words made Steve’s heart clench and ache in a very familiar way. But the fact that this time Bucky was talking about Peggy, a friend of his, who actually seemed to like Steve for who he was, also made guilt well up inside of him. Peggy was indeed very attractive, but having Bucky point it out to his face right now, when they were alone, brought an overwhelmingly sharp pang of jealousy and sadness to his chest that made Steve want to look away, get up, and put some more space between them.

“I know that,” Steve added with a slight frown as he tried to ignore the heavy, uncomfortable feelings coiling about in his chest, “I’m not blind, Bucky. I can see that Peggy’s a very beautiful alpha.”

“But…?” Bucky couldn’t help but ask, his brow furrowed once again.

“But…what?” Steve questioned, unsure of what exactly Bucky wanted to hear from him now.

“‘But what?’” Bucky repeated his question in disbelief. “Steve, aren’t ya…you know…interested in her too?”

“I…” Steve paused and allowed himself to think. Despite already knowing the real answer to that question, and despite the fact that Bucky was his best friend, Steve was reluctant to actually let Bucky know the truth. How could he tell Bucky that—no, Buck, I know Peggy’s one hell of a beautiful dame, and any person would be lucky to have her as their alpha, but she ain’t the one that stole my heart back when I was fourteen.

Though Bucky was his best friend, Steve was sure that if the alpha ever found about his feelings for him, their friendship would be at risk. The omega could picture it all so clearly in his mind—after his confession, Bucky would apologize, saying he was sorry, that he didn’t feel the same, that he was only attracted to beta and omega gals. Steve would accept this and ask if they could remain friends, and Bucky, being the amazing person he was, would say with a smile on his face, that ‘of course, Stevie, we can still be friends’.

But afterwards, Bucky would become cautious around him, would begin to feel self-conscious when Steve was near, would start to watch his every move and word until an unpleasant, stifling awkwardness would settle between them each time they dared to interact. Bucky would begin to avoid looking him in the eye, would pull away from Steve’s touch, would finch if Steve got too close, would make up excuses so that they wouldn’t be alone together anymore. It was all snowball until Bucky’s resolve would break one day, and he’d tell Steve that they couldn’t be friends anymore.

The thought of it all only served to make Steve’s heart twist in horror and despair.

No, Steve knew he couldn’t tell Bucky the truth, not when telling the alpha would put their friendship at risk. No matter what, Steve couldn’t bear the thought, the possibility, of losing their friendship, of losing Bucky.

Especially now, when they’d just been reunited after Steve thought he might never see Bucky again.

“People were never really interested in me before my…change,” Steve finally replied a few moments later, in a quiet voice as he looked down at his hands as they rested on his lap.

The statement wasn’t a lie, before, no matter how many times he had tried to go on dates with alpha, and even some beta girls—or, more accurately, Bucky being the one to set up the dates for him—over the years, no one had ever bothered to contact him again for another date, some had cut their date short after seeing Steve, and some had even stood him up. And Steve didn’t even want to think about those few times Bucky had set up double dates for them.

“So, I, uh— I guess I don’t know what to do now since it’s all new to me. Sh-Should I really ask her out?” As Steve turned to look at Bucky, he noticed a strange look flicker across the alpha’s face, but as soon as it came it was gone, too soon for Steve to decipher what it could’ve been.

Instead, Bucky gave him a blinding grin as he replied, “Yeah, well, pardon my language, but all those alpha and beta gals from before were just too stupid and shallow, they couldn’t see one hell of an omega if they were standing right in front of ‘em. And look, I know we’re in the middle of a war right now, but, to hell with it, you never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, so you should just go for it—ask her out! It wouldn’t hurt to try, right?”

“Right.” Steve forced himself to smile in return. “Well, I think I’m gonna go back and take a quick shower before callin’ it a day. I’ll see if I can talk to Peggy sometime tomorrow. So, uh, I’ll see you later, Buck.”

“Alright—see ya, Stevie, I’m just gonna stay here in a bit longer before headin’ on back, alright?” Though Bucky’s smile didn’t falter, despite the low light outside, Steve swore he saw something odd in the alpha’s eyes, something that almost didn’t match his expression. For a moment, Steve couldn’t help but contemplate if Bucky’s smile was also false, forced, but Steve quickly dismissed the notion, convincing himself he was just imagining it, seeing something that wasn’t there, and pushed the thought away.

When Steve nodded in understanding, Bucky added, “And good luck tomorrow! I’m sure she won’t turn ya down! But if she does, well, then just let me know and I’ll gladly give her a piece of my mind and let her know just what a terrible mistake she’s makin’, alright?”

Not knowing how to reply to that final statement, Steve merely kept his smile, nodded again, and waved goodbye before he turned around and began walking away. But as soon as he’d made his way out of the small park, after he checked back to make sure Bucky was out of sight and that no one else was nearby, Steve turned and walked into a nearby alley. Unable ignore the pressing weight that had settled in his chest, the constricting guilt that had wrapped itself around his heart, Steve brought a trembling hand up to clench the front of his uniform tightly, right in the center of his chest, before he took in a shuddering breath of air.

Though is eyes were burning slightly now, and Steve felt like something was attempting to squeeze the life out of his heart, the omega took in a few more breaths of air to steady and calm himself. Then, moments later, when he felt more stable, he squared his shoulders, tilted his chip up, and began to make his way back yet again.

But once Steve returned to his place, to the dark, quiet apartment he’d been given to stay in, during their stay in London, it wasn’t until he was in bed, ready to fall asleep, that he let the anguish that’d been building up inside of him out. He allowed the tears to fall freely from his eyes, allowed himself to sob into his pillow, to let his heart break.

Because, come tomorrow, despite what he might’ve implied, he wouldn’t ask Peggy out. Instead, he’d continue on as before, doing what was needed from him, proudly fighting for their freedom, for their country, with the team he’d ensembled. Pretending he was happy with how everything was, even though the growing emptiness and harrowing loneliness he felt only served to distress his inner omega with each passing day at the thought that he would eventually die alone, without a mate. Because, somehow, Steve just knew—had known the moment he realized he was head-over-heels in love with his best friend—that he would only ever accept, would only ever want one person as his alpha, as his bondmate, and, knowing his terrible luck, of course it ended up being the one person he could never have.

That night, after Steve finally managed to fall asleep, even his dreams showed and reminded him that, no matter how much he wished it, Bucky was not, and would never be, his. That even biology and fate were not on his side. That one day, his best friend would likely find his truemate, probably some beautiful dame who’d be so kind and stunning that all alphas around them would be envious of Bucky for having her (though Steve felt she’d be the luckier one to have Bucky as her truemate). The alpha would marry and bond with her, and they’d eventually raise a family of their own.

But Steve? He’d be left alone, mate-less, child-less, living a hollow, lonely, wretched life where he could only watch the man who’d stolen his heart live a wonderful, fulfilling life with someone else. Where he would waste away until either his heart decided to give up, or until death chose to come for him.

The morning after, no matter how much Steve tried to forget the poignant dream, even in the following days, it continued to haunted his thoughts, making the fracture in his heart grow and spread to the point that it became difficult to meet Bucky’s gaze at times, to wake up each morning and act like everything was alright. Steve could so clearly envision the future his dream forebode, could see just how possible such a future was, could see how everything would eventually start to fall apart if it came to be, and it hurt so damn much.

But the day when Bucky fell from the train, and Steve could only watch the alpha fall down into the ravine, unable to do anything to save him, Steve forgot all about the dream and his fears of such a future. Because now Bucky was gone, and Steve’s shattered heart was unwilling to go on.

So moments before the plane he was flying plunged into the ice, knowing this was the end of the line for him too, Steve thought of Bucky—he pictured the alpha’s warm, smiling face, those dazzling blue eyes gazingly softly at him, of the alpha wrapping his arm around Steve’s back and saying in a soft voice, “Come on, Stevie, I was waitin’ for ya—I hear Heaven’s a pretty cool place, so let’s head there together, yeah?”

With that last thought, Steve closed his burning eyes and continued to think of Bucky’s beautiful, smiling face, but soon he was jerked forwards, a sharp pain jolted his entire body, and then there was nothing more.