#because the way teenage girls experience heterosexuality from teenage boys is so awful

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

"In videos from while he was in 1D, the way Harry interacts with women, or the idea of women, is really, really, really far away from the way most teenage boys who are attracted to women act"...what a deeply silly thing to say 🤣 Most teenage boys are not world famous boybanders whose every word and deed is analysed by millions.

And yet there were three teenagers who were in 1D and who make it clear, in various ways, that they are attracted to women.

[oceanmonsters]

(creating a new post because the original one was being passed around radfems circles and the notes were absolutely toxic - link to original even though it seems to have been deleted by op)

I wasn’t initially gonna reblog this because I was like well, I don’t think traditions like these should be completely beyond reproach / criticism and although I did have my ears pierced as a baby and am personally glad of it, it isn’t something that I would do to my own daughters if I had them. But then I checked the notes:

and I take that back because the people replying to this post prove exactly why it’s fucking needed. Because white women (especially white radfems, whom most of these are) really don’t know how to behave themselves when talking about woc / other cultures. “It makes girls into objects to decorate and look pretty” “A sense of control over their environment which heterosexual and het partnered women seldom get to have” “not owning her body that began with her mother piercing her skin against her will” these people are acting as if woc are literal child abusers for doing something that yes, although it may be a gendered ritual and not one I personally agree with, does very little harm to their child in the long run.

First of all, there are actual cultural / religious roots to the ear piercing of children (x) and yes, it was done to both female AND male children, although it has become more of an aesthetic thing nowadays and boys being pierced is much rarer. I don’t have any concrete sources on this but I’d be willing to bet it’s to do with the influx of western culture starting with colonialism that brought the idea that earrings / jewellery are unmanly and therefore unattractive. In fact, jewellery in general and especially gold jewellery does play a significant part in Indian culture and I know Indian boys who have gold chains that they wear around their necks and have since they were a child, although I don’t know the specific significances of these. My point is, if you actually bothered to research the culture for even two minutes, you’d see that this was about more than just “omg girls being decorated for men to look at!!!”. And even if you don’t agree with the culture of piercing children’s ears, which, as I said, I don’t particularly personally, it’s really not the massive deal that some people in the notes wanna make it. I’ve had my ears pierced since I was a baby and trust me, they have never ever held me back in life. I never even considered them much. You know what probably did affect me more? The general messages I was being fed to me by society that I had to look feminine and pretty, and have “girly” interests. Makeup culture. Beauty culture. My earrings are really very very low down on the list of things that had a big impact on my life. “Why don’t you wait until they’re at least 15” “Because it’s about establishing from a young age that they’re possessions / for male decoration / that exist to be looked at!!!!” etc. etc. No, a lot of the time it’s literally so that it’s done early on and then they don’t have to go through it later. Piercings can be traumatic at any age. My friend decided to have hers done as a young teenager and it left her so scared of them closing up and having to pierce them again that she literally wouldn’t even sleep one night without earrings on. Meanwhile, I had it done as a baby and didn’t even remember. Again, is this something I would choose to do to my daughter? No, but at the end of the day I don’t know a single person who got their ears pierced as a baby who is genuinely upset and resentful about having it done, because it’s really not that much of a big deal. “It sends a clear message that your body doesn’t belong to you” “it’s our culture to train infant girls that they exist to be looked at”! My parents, contrary to apparent popular belief about desi parents, have never encouraged me to exist for male consumption. If there is one thing my mum and dad have tried to impress on my my whole life it’s that education is the most important thing and it comes before boys or relationships or anything like that. My dad has told me on no uncertain terms that my education, my life, should always come before relationships and marriage. And yes, my mum also decided to have my ears pierced when I was a baby because that is the norm and she wanted to get it over with when I wouldn’t even remember it so I wouldn’t have to get it done later if I wanted them pierced. Even recently she’s told me she’s felt guilty about it when she hears people saying things like this and that makes me so angry because my mother is not perfect, but she deserves a fucking lot more respect than these people are treating her and women like her with.

These are the three that pissed me off the most:

White feminists really do not know how to talk about woc without projecting their own narrow ideas of cultural misogyny onto everything they do. Like they’re literally taking the actions of women from cultures they know nothing about and trying to analyse them and pile patriarchal reasoning onto them - and basically assuming that all woc who aren’t from western / “developed” countries are a monolith who all share a hive mind designed around upholding the patriarchy and can’t think for themselves, unlike the enlightened western feminists who have the critical thinking necessary to see through everything.

Radfems will use the violence and misogyny faced by women of colour in countries like India etc. to prove their points and then will turn around and show their faces with posts like this where they demonstrate that they don’t really care about them except to prove a point, and that any compassion and sympathy that they have for them ends when they don’t act in ways that aligns completely with their beliefs. You’ll talk about how misogynistic and terrible things are for women in countries like India but as soon as they don’t completely conform to how you think they should behave (mostly because of the societal pressures they face) they’re suddenly agents for the patriarchy who are seeking “a sense of control over their environment which heterosexual women seldom get to have”. “It’s not clear to me what it has to do with being white or not” what it has to do with being white is that white radfems absolutely refuse to treat women of colour with respect and acknowledge that we have different experiences to them except when it’s to shit on our culture for treating us badly without actually caring about us as human beings!

Do I think desi culture is absolutely beyond reproach or criticism in the way it treats women? No, there are certain aspects of it that absolutely disgust me (as do aspects of almost every single culture in the world). However, if you really cared about the misogyny and violence faced by women in these countries, you’d use your voices to uplift them and listen to their problems and support the causes they think are important and will improve their lives instead of just using them as a stage to soapbox about your own opinions. But of course, you couldn’t do that! Because they might think the wrong things are important! Because they don’t see the world through your special enlightened western feminist eyes who can see that earrings are the real root of the problem!!!!!

Again, I don’t personally agree with this tradition and I don’t think it should be above criticism, but it certainly isn’t awful or horrible enough to justify the sheer amount of vitriol directed at women of colour who do it - as op was trying to say from the beginning, it’s really not that deep. And in addition, what this post has done is reminded me why even if I do think a cultural practice should be criticised, I absolutely don’t trust white feminists to be the ones doing it. This isn’t me saying “my culture is perfect and beyond any reproach or criticism”, this is about white women not knowing how to behave when talking about women of colour of other cultures and being unable to talk about them without acting as if they know everything and projecting their own preconceived ideas about why the people of that culture behave the way they do in order to get their own points across about the society they themselves live in while simultaneously throwing the women of that culture under the bus by treating them as if they are completely helpless naive victims or agents for the patriarchy who are complicit in their own oppression, and either way are not enlightened enough to see through their culture in the way that only western feminists can.

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[birdscreeches]

Kids These Days || Aisha R.

The Marian Auditorium of Miriam CoIIege could seat one thousand fifty people, apparently, and on that day, it was a full house. Not necessarily by choice, of course. Every student there, aged twelve to probably fourteen at the oldest, had congregated into the air conditioned structure and settled into the smooth, wooden seats of the auditorium because this was a required thing, this talk on sexuality.

And if that isn’t a big, scary word. Sexuality. In a place like an all girls Catholic high school, saying the word “sexuality” was like opening a bag of chips in a dead quiet room. You will be met with winces or sneers or snickers. You might even get in trouble. The metaphor isn’t really foolproof, because on one hand, you’ve got a snack, and on the other, you’ve got an integral aspect of the human experience with endless variations. It’s a lot less “palatable”, for one. Not as tasty. Sexuality was funny. It was dirty. It was something to be whispered about and not spoken of, especially if you were twelve or thirteen or fourteen. Hell, even if you were older, it could still be something taboo. Growing up, or the failure of thereof, was a little peculiar like that.

But here they were for an entire two hour long talk all about sexuality. October of 2016, roughly one thousand fifty students were chucked into an auditorium where they tittered in a classic mixture of teenage curiosity, anticipation, and habitual boredom. On stage, the speaker, a family psychologist, walks out. The voices of the one thousand fifty students hush from a buzz to a hum to silence.

And the thus the talk began.

To say that the talk was a trainwreck would be a fantastic, monumental understatement. It seemed like every high school freshman I spoke to had something to say about the talk.

“Oh,” said A, a bookish girl with glasses who looked quiet and shy right up until I brought up The Talk. She pushed her glasses up in a way one knew meant she was livid. “It was awful.”

B, a student I had spoken to via email correspondence had written “It was terrible. Obscure. Immature.”

“I wanted to cry,” said R, looking like she was about to cry. “That talk made me want to cry.”

In a nutshell, the so-called sexuality talk was a verbal cavalcade of sexist stereotypes only thinly disguised as something educational. The speaker had talked about how men and women were different, how men’s brains were like waffles (boxed and organized) and women’s brains were like spaghetti (“Noodling around,” A told me. “I’m not shitting you. The speaker said, ‘women think like spaghetti, we’re always noodling around.’ What the hell does that mean?”) By the halfway point of the talk, students had resigned themselves to the fact that this was another one of those inane things the school did that they’ll have to forcibly erase from their memory. The talk went on about boys and girls and flirting and relationships and stuff everybody already knew about before always peddling back to “Studies first!” Educational stuff right here.

But the real kicker was this: one brave girl, just one out of roughly one thousand fifty, stood up, walked to the microphone set up in the aisle, and asked a question. She asked the question that was thrumming through the heads of a lot of students in the auditorium. She asked, “What do you think of LGBT?”

In front of one thousand fifty students, the speaker had smiled sweetly—sweet in the way that probably made you feel sick—and said “All the feelings you have for women, project them onto men instead.”

-

See, non-heterosexual people exist. Non-heterosexual teenagers exist. It just so happens some of them will end up in an all girls Catholic high school.

“It sucks,” R told me. R is a high school freshman. She had short hair and glasses and good grades and she was Not Straight. We spoke just a little bit after class ended at a lunch table in the school’s cafeteria. To her left was A, one of her friends who also was Not Straight, eyes downcast, as if she already knows the rest of what R was going to say. R said, “But, I don’t know. You get used to it.”

Which begs the question what exactly it is kids these days are forced to get used to.

The horror stories spanning from different schools are myriad. Sometimes it’s subtle. Miriam CoIIege High School had certain days where students could come in civilian attire, but “crossdressing” was not allowed. Students must dress like ladies.  St. PauI College Pasig has a rule against short hair. A bobcut is pushing it, and if you had a cut that was no longer in the realm of “female hair” you’d get talked to. L, a student from St. Paul, rocked something of a pixie cut during her stay at the school. She was called to the principal’s office for it every year and was even threatened with expulsion. Gender norms and non-heterosexual presentation are closely linked, and rules like these are tiny ways to make sure nothing happens even at a surface level. Rules like these are pretty nifty because it’s rather easy to shake one’s head and say this has nothing to do lesbians. It was about image.

Sometimes it’s more blatant. A had told me about a school—she couldn’t remember which one, just one from the expansive catalog of all girls Catholic schools—that had written in their handbook something along the lines of “girl on girl relations are strictly prohibited.”

Miriam College High School, the school where participants were taken from, has, in the curriculum for Christian Life, an entire section on Sexuality and Marriage. As expected, it all boiled down to teaching pissed off teenagers that if you weren’t straight, you were going to hell. Sure, it was sugar coated, but fancy plating doesn’t change the truth. If you took a shot for every time an earnest CL teacher said “God hates the sin, and not the sinner,” whilst making awkward eye contact with every visible lesbian in the classroom, we’d be getting to hell much earlier due to alcohol poisoning.

A controversial example of the curriculum at work would be the third term CL final exam given to the graduating batch of 2016. Questions upon questions of situations and matching values were put into a test that decided a student’s grade. Insert name here is a gay man in a relationship and dot dot dot. Insert name here thinks she is bisexual and dot dot dot. As a Christian, what is your response?

Many students refused to answer these questions at all. That was their response.

The act of existing in an all girls Catholic high school is one that’s implicit with resignation concerning this kind of treatment. Catholicism is obvious in its restrictions. It’s Adam and Eve, etcetera, but beyond religion, the structure of high schools and how they’re run creates an environment where not much can be done about it. The students are gay and the teachings are against you. If you’re really unlucky, a few teachers will be too. There can be teachers who are supportive, but they can’t really do much against the entirety of the administration. A joke I heard from a student was something along the lines of “There’s a reason why the CL department is so far away from the English department.” Right. Gotta keep the liberals away from the conservatives. An accepting teacher is a treat, but ultimately a bandaid in a world of gashes.

But, as R said, you get used to it. Or maybe you already were.

“And that’s messed up,” A told me. A was another freshman from a different class, and she really looked like a sweet girl. Anger didn’t suit her, but it graced her features anyway. It was mostly in her eyes; a hardened, steeled gaze. She is thirteen years old.

-

The thing about the infamous sexuality talk is that it’s the paragon of reinforcement. Smaller strains of it exist in things like religion class, disapproving teachers, guidance counselors who tilt their heads when you mention a girlfriend, and the list goes on.

It’s tempting to be confused as to why these things continue when they obviously don’t “work.” Work in the sense that these people and their attitudes don’t magically craft an army of straight girls. This much is evident by the persisting population of non heterosexuals existing in all girls Catholic schools. Talk after class after session, one after the other, and they’re still there and still as gay as ever.

These things continue because it’s a new coat of paint on the Straight Is Good sign. To students, this is something they’ll get to see on a regular basis. Those who disagree will continue to disagree, but there will be those who believe it. Of the non heterosexuals, this is just a small jab in the midst of many. They’ll get used to it, but some of them won’t. There will be those who believe it.

Of those who get used to it, the thought now is the fact that in an ideal world, they shouldn’t have to be.

“We’re used to being treated like this. There are worst things, but there are better ones too.” A said, “I wanna be used to better things.”

-

“I mean, I guess we’re lucky.” R told me a little later. We had taken a short break to buy food. R and A were now munching on gummy candies shaped like pizzas. There was something about this contrast that struck me; soft gummies and hard issues and teenagers who have both. “At least the students are really accepting. Just a week ago there was this, this romantic thing?”

“Yeah!” A piped in. “This girl had this sign like ‘I love you’ for another girl and they did this thing with flowers and stuff. It was really sweet. Right in the middle of the covered court, lunchtime. All the students were cheering.”

“And I figure, any teachers in the vicinity would just pretend not to notice,” I joked, but A just fixed her eyes on me again.

“What else can they do?” She said. And really, what else was there?

Ignorance, it seemed, was the easiest out. It certainly was the kinder evil. Averted eyes and skillful segues, and you never have to talk about gay students because well, they don’t really exist, anyway. “I’d take that over ‘gay is a sin’ any day,” A told me. “At least they stay away. They leave us alone.”

How lonely, I thought, but I didn’t tell her this. Instead, I just nodded and accepted that sometimes you have to settle. Whether it was a tragedy or not didn’t matter as much as the circumstances that pushed kids to have to set their standards low in the first place for something as simple as wanting to be accepted.

It seems if you’re a non-heterosexual student in a Catholic high school, it’s either you exist and you’re punished for it, or you’re ignored and you take what you can get. So flip a coin for it. I tell them this, and they laugh.

“I kind of don’t want to, though,” R said, squishing a gummy between her fingers. “It’s 2017. I kind of want more. Is that too much to ask?”

Not at all, I thought. Not at all.

-

In an auditorium filled with roughly one thousand fifty students, everybody hushed down, gritted their teeth, and listened. But if there’s something I’m getting from the kids I’ve seen and spoken to, it’s that they’re getting a little bit tired of that routine.

Perhaps, slowly, the silence will pick up. The murmurs will start. The words. The discussions. The voices will up in volume and confidence, a cadence of identity. Once upon a time, these kids were told to project their feelings elsewhere, and, in a sense, they are.

They’re projecting their feelings outward and beyond, loud and clear, absolutely demanding to be heard.

[emilyjanestuff]

So when/how did you know you were trans? Part Two

Trigger Warning for suicidal thoughts, isolation, loneliness, biphobia and self harm.

Primary School had its ups and downs, some good things and some challenges. But Secondary school was awful. I wasn’t just unhappy like everyone claims to be in Secondary Schools. Rather I was extremely dysphoric and depressed. At times I would even self harm and was suicidal. But I didn’t talk about any of this for a long time. I internalized everything I was going through and everything I was feeling. Why didn’t I seek help? Because I had no way to say what was inside me.

I knew what the word transgender was by now but it wasn’t something I had applied to myself yet. Well without further a do lets start from the start. Which is in the way starting from the end: Leaving Primary School. When starting at Secondary School I remember thinking it was time for a new start. I remember being excited at first. But the first thing that went wrong was when I learned sports were compulsory. I felt shocked when I heard that. I had said I didn’t want to go to a school where I had to play sports. Secondly while I hadn’t wanted to go to an all boy school I had gone along with it because I was told I was going to a good school.

The second time I can remember of experiencing  real and strong dislike for my body become more and more masculine after my voice changing happened after P.E. class. I was thirteen and one of the boys in the class saw that I had started to grow a facial hair. He thought it was cool, they all did. But I freaked out. I ran into the bathroom and pulled the hair out with a pair of tweezers. Every other boy in my school enjoyed the idea of getting taller, bigger and more hairy. I hated it but didn’t know why. In the end I suppressed such feelings deep down. I buried them. I didn’t know what else to do with them.

To be fair in many ways the school was a good but it was not the right school for me. I hated sports of any kind as a kid and as a teenager. By the end of my first year I had stopped being part of the sport and the school had stopped trying to make me. I spent six year at that school. Why that particular school? Because it was good for people with learning disabilities. That’s the only reason. So this is where I ended up. I became reclusive and isolated very fast. I disliked the people in the school and would often spend large amounts of time in my room. I would be reading or else I would be on the internet.

Books became my escape. Through them I visited many different worlds and mate many different characters. I read books on every topic and any genre I could get my hands on. It was through books and the internet that I first came across the label bisexual and applied it to myself but later on would redefine my sexuality as gay. The reason for this being that I could never see myself as being with a girl as a guy. I couldn’t see myself taking on that masculine heterosexual role that was well established in my mind. There was also the matter that there was a lot of biphobia both within my school and otherwise. People doubted bisexuals existed especially bisexual boys. So by that strange set of thought patterns I must be gay. To me this explained everything, why I was different to my classmates and felt so isolated. I was the only gay boy in my year. That was why I was so lonely.

The first person I approached about this topic was my school guidance counselor. When I was in third year. It was just after a SPHE class on being gay. We talked about it for a while in her office during which she made me feel a tiny bit better about the subject. It was her who first gave me the idea to ring a gay hotline. So when one afternoon I sat down and called Gay Switchboard Ireland. For the second time I started talking to someone about my feelings around my sexuality. I also started going to an LGBT youth group where I mate other LGBT teenagers and was supported. So a happy ever after right? No, alas things turned out to be more complicated then that.

On meeting gay guys my own age I felt like I wasn’t really one of them either. But alas I kept going to the group. I’m glad I did because it was there I mate other transgender people for the first time. Trans guys, trans girls and non binary people. I also started to make friends at the groups. For the first time since Primary school I was able to function socially.

So where does the word transgender fit into this? I knew what transgender meant by before I went to the youth group so why did I never apply it to myself? The reason for that is actually rather simply. I only had one image of a transgender person in my mind. That being a trans woman who felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body (I really hate that expression). Before transitioning/coming out this woman would have worn women’s cloths in secret, she would have had feminine mannerism, loved the color pink. I didn’t start wearing cloths from the women’s section until I was nineteen after I decided to transition. I certainly wasn’t camp or effeminate. My hair had always been cropped short.

But when I began to meet other trans people I learned that the above story does not fit everyone. Sure it might be true for another trans woman and that’s fine but it wasn’t true for me. From meeting and learning other trans women I learned they could femme, butch, tomboys, writers, hairdressers and mma fighters. That we come from all backgrounds and many different cultures. Two books I read that also helped me along were Whipping Girl by the before mentioned Julia Serano and In Search of Eve by Anne Bolin. I learned the experiences of hating my male development was something known as gender dysphoria and that there was a way out of it: by transitioning.

I came out to my friends and took a new name and pronouns for myself in the youth group.

What did this mean for my sexuality? One of my friends asked me if transitioning now made into a straight girl. All I could say was that I didn’t know. Well at the time I wasn’t really sure but then I met this girl and had my first crush on a girl. This didn’t make me feel like I had to fit into a position I wasn’t. For once. So you might think that I would now identify as bi? No would the answer. I had friends who were bisexual and would often say I was an ally for bi people but not one myself. I instead said I was a lesbian (keeping my past attractions to boys as belonging to a time before I came into my own). Why did I do this? Because I had absorbed a lot of biphobia from a lot of places. I learned these ideas from people in school, my own home and even from other queer people. I just didn’t want to be something that didn’t exist and it took until I was twenty one to realize that it didn’t matter society thought of my existence. My own happiness was more important.

So that is how I knew I am transgender and bisexual and a woman. How old was I ? Seventeen for figuring out I was a trans girl and twenty one for accepting my bisexuality. I hope that answers the question.

[merlivystories]

THE IMPORTANCE OF TV REPRESENTATION: REASONS AND EXAMPLES.

Being a pretty experienced viewer, I often find myself thinking about the significance of tv-representation. The process of shaping into the person I am today would never have the same result without countless tv-series, shows and movies I stumbled upon on the way. Media space is a place that can be not only entertaining, but also educational. By educational here I don’t necessarily mean academic knowledge, I’m talking about every day-life skills and widening world perception. Learning how to live in peace with ourselves and with other people is a true secret of a happy life. That’s why it is important use media with a purpose to remind people about the past, educate about today and show possible consequences in the future.

I tried to highlight the reasons why I believe TV-representation has significant relevance nowadays. Firstly, watching TV or videos happens to be the most common way of spending leisure time among kids, teenagers and youngsters. Since it requires minimum activity it is the easiest possible way to relax and stay entertained at once. Secondly, TV has the biggest potential to turn boring topics into something relatable and exciting by creating interesting characters, breath-taking plots, using popular audio-tracks and eye-catching sceneries. The last but not the least important reason is being able to change people’s world-views or opinions towards the represented issue or make people feel accepted and okay with themselves by relatable content.

In my opinion, such theme should only be discussed and explained via examples of tv-representation. Here I’m going to display only a few series that I either found to be great representatives of particular social issues or social groups or breaking irrelevant and toxic stereotypes.

(SPOILER ALLERT! + Everything I state below is exclusively my own perception of those series and everyone is completely free to agree or disagree.)

 1. GREY’S ANATOMY (2005- )

I’ve been a huge fan of this medical show since 2014 and the there are quite a few issues represented throughout 16 seasons that aired in a period from 2005 to this year. In my opinion, the most important part of the show is representation of feminism. Development of the main character – Meredith Grey is fascinating. She has turned from an insecure intern into a surgeon with a world-known name and a head of general surgery in the Grey-Sloan hospital in Seattle. Alongside with Meredith there are plenty of amazing women working as surgeons and heads of departments in GSH. Moreover, the chief of surgery currently is also a woman! In this show both men and women not only dream big, but also have an opportunity to turn their dreams into reality. Grey’s Anatomy has a huge impact on young girls and boys all over the world as it inspires them to become doctors. Every day is a beautiful day to save lives, I believe.

 2. TOY BOY (2019 - )

This show is my recent but no less valuable discovery. Dictionary defines «toy boy» as a young man who is having a sexual relationship with an older woman – used humorously. The main character of this show, Hugo, has been put in prison for the crime he did not commit. After 7 years in prison he is determined to prove his innocence with a help of a young lawyer – Triana while getting back to his work as a stripper in a bar alongside with his best friends: Ivan, German and Jairo. While watching this show I pointed out a few topics that the attention of viewers is clearly supposed to be drawn to. Firstly, male stripping and prostitution. It is important to remember that not only women choose to do this professionally and that it is completely fine as long as you enjoy it and stay mentally in a good place. Every job has its struggles and we can see the ups and downs of being a male-stripper on this show. Secondly, thanks-thanks-thanks a lot to writers for representing a disabled person. One of the key-characters – Jairo is mute. And he receives nothing but support and appreciation for being who he is, never being treated differently by his friends. It doesn’t in any way diminish him as a person. I consider Jairo to be the most loving, accepting and understanding character that makes him truly likable to the viewers. His relationships with Andrea, who was raped as a child and grew up to be really introverted and shy, is the most precious thing to be seen on this show. The way Jairo and Andrea were able to bond over their struggles and the way they found comfort in each other is a great example of something beautiful coming out of something dark and uncomfortable. The other important topic is domestic violence and rape. The phenomena of being sexually assaulted is horrible on its own, while being sexually assaulted by your relative, by your ankle is terrifying. Andrea represents all those kids and teenagers whose mental health was completely destroyed by people who were supposed to care for them. I’m glad that «Toy Boy» found a way to show how it can get better even when it seems like it never will.

 3. HOUSE OF FLOWERS (2018 – 2020)

The time has come to talk about traditional values clashing with being who you are and feeling good as a person. This show is a story about a dysfunctional upper-class Mexican family that own a prestigious floristry shop and a struggling cabaret, both called «The House of Flowers». The story features plenty of amazing LGBTQ+ characters such as María José Riquelme Torres – transgender woman, Diego Olvera – gay man, Julián de la Mora – bisexual man, Paulina de la Mora – pansexual woman (not straightforwardly stated in the series, but I clocked her as one) and Patricio "Pato" Lascuráin – gay man. Firstly, I like how gracefully and accurately the line between gender and sexuality was treated on this show. When Maria Hose comes out as a trans woman she doesn’t stop loving her wife. She doesn’t change, she just gets closer to looking the way she has felt for a long time, if not her whole life. That’s it with trans people, I believe, coming out and the transitioning process is never actually about changing, it’s about getting the outside to match the inside that has always been there. I also adore how Paulina loved Maria Hose for the personality and not for the gender. Hands down vote for them together as the best couple on the show. Secondly, I would very much like to comment on conversion therapy part featuring Diego and Patricio being a victim of horrible hate crime. Conversion therapy is the pseudoscientific practice of trying to change an individual's sexual orientation from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual using psychological, physical, or spiritual interventions. Sadly, it is still being practiced these day even though various jurisdictions around the world have passed laws against conversion therapy. Diego, a gay man, wants to have a kid so much and also earn the acceptance of his homophobic parents, he agrees on being put in a place where it is promised to turn him straight. Not surprisingly, it doesn’t change his sexual orientation but makes him suffer through the whole experience. In the end, he stands up to his parents and faces them alongside with his fiancé, Julian. He realizes that loving himself and being happy is more important than being accepted by someone who doesn’t really care about his well-being. Also, family is about people loving and supporting each other and never about following «traditional» gender-roles. Conversion therapy has no proof to be helpful in the sense of changing sexuality, but is totally effective at making people mentally unstable and self-hating so they are unable to develop any healthy relationships in the future. Talking about hating yourself, another closeted character - Agustín Corcuera is a great example. He grew up with his head filled with toxic stereotypes and fully dependent on social opinion. That’s why his desire for a loving, outgoing and open about his sexuality Patricio had horrible consequences. A hate crime is defined as a prejudice-motivated crime which occurs when a perpetrator targets a victim because of their membership (or perceived membership) of a certain social group or race. Agustin was clearly mesmerized by the way Patricio couldn’t care less about what people around him had to say, but he was also scared of that. It made me upset that Patricio loved Agustin a little to much to notice how much the guy hated even the thought of people considering him to be anything other than straight. One night at the New Year party in 1970 Patricio was beaten to death by Agustin himself and his homophobic friends - that’s how much Agustin was scared of accepting himself and admitting he had feelings for Patricio in front of his friends, just enough to take away another person’s right to live. The last words Patricio said to Agustin before receiving that one last punch was «I love you», which makes the scene even more terrifying than it could have been.  The absurdity of love facing hate like that, the horror of murdering love with hate, hate not only directed towards the victim, but also towards Augustin himself. Self-hate happens to be extremely dangerous not only to the particular person, but also to their surroundings. This is the example of what the self-oppression and the lack of ability to love yourself in the first place can lead to and it is awful.

 4. HOLLYWOOD (2020)

The show that rewrote the history and we were all completely there for it! The show about people being brave and following their dreams despite it being truly dangerous. This story is inspiring for all people cause the most important thing to learn from this show is that it doesn’t matter where you come from, what you background is, no matter what color your skin is or what your sexuality is – it should never stop you from dreaming. All those things should never make you feel like you don’t stand a chance, that you’re not worth it, that you’re less valuable. What actually means a lot is your personality, your talent and determination to go all the way. I was blown away by literally every single character in this show. I admire Raymond Ainsley for not giving up on representation in his movie. I admire Camille Washington for not giving up her right to be treated the same as other actresses. I admire Archie Coleman for being brave and showing that true success never depends on anything but talent. I admire Richard Samuels for always staying unbiased and finding the courage to be himself truly. I admire Avis Amberg for standing up for the right values and using her power is the most honorable way there was. I didn’t mention all of the characters, but every single one of them has their own story and something to teach the viewer.

 5. COMMUNITY (2009-2015)

Now I would like to introduce you to the show about diversity and true friendship. It teaches viewer that your friends are your chosen family, nobody is perfect but when you decide to stick together – you stick for all ups and downs, for the best and for the worst. All of the main characters are different: they have different backgrounds, different world-perceptions and different behavior-patterns. Anyway, those differences ultimately should never stay on the way of true kindness and compassion. «Community» explores topics that might seem offensive at times, but the conclusion is always the same – people need to accept each other for who they are. Moreover, the significant lesson in this show is that if you have a problem with someone, you should first try to find a problem within yourself.