#because the way he interacts with shawols is just so precious ;;

[colorsofshiningstars]

key - 180629 goyang fansign 💐💖

[youarewarmth]

Trying to mend my broken heart

(a very long post that started off as a letter to myself and others; I wasn’t going to post it, but my therapist said I should try, because it might encourage people to do the same if they’re struggling, so here it is)

So... I’ve been thinking if I should it. Do I have a right? I knew nothing of them – of him – until weeks ago. Can I even speak up? I have to let it out. Will I be scrutinized or listened and understood? I hope it’s the latter.

I knew SHINee was a thing, a band. A Korean band. I think my little sister was into them for a brief moment. I saw the band’s name mentioned on Twitter every now and then, but I never really cared. Just another K-Pop product, as they all are.

I fell into YouTube’s rabbit hole, as we all do sometimes, after I suddenly felt like listening to one of the songs I used to like. “Up next: SHINee – Forever or Never”. I thought “hm, what a coincidence!” and hit “play”.

“Wait… How is this the same song… but better?” I was so confused, but also thrilled. I don’t really like music that much. I have a hard time finding stuff that I really like and once I do, I stick to it until I memorize every note. I liked the version of the song. I really, really did, but I wish I never looked at the comments. That’s where it all started. The spiraling.

“R.I.P Kim Jonghyun you'll be forever in our hearts”

“Rest in Peace, my angel, you did well”

No.

My heart dropped. I looked up one phrase after another. I looked up SHINee, I looked up Jonghyun. Countless videos on YouTube. Of their first performances, of them having fun on stage, music videos, talk shows. Videos of Jonghyun breaking down in tears on stage. Videos of Jonghyung talking about the scrutiny, judgement and – again – breaking down in tears, wanting to be understood and accepted. Of his last show and the pain and emptiness in his eyes. Of how he died. Of his letter. Of them performing without him for the first time. Of “From Now On”. Of “Our Page”.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I’ve been sleep deprived ever since, because my thoughts keep racing and bring tears that I can’t contain. And with tears, immense grief. That’s all I can feel right now.

Why did it hit me so hard? Why him, why now? Maybe because we’re same age and I understand the struggles of getting older in the world where only the youngest can achieve something, though it was much worse for him. Maybe because I know what it feels like to lose a friend so suddenly. Maybe because I know exactly how he felt, even though we had completely different life experience. Or maybe we’re just kindred spirits that experience emotions a little bit too intensely.

You see, I’ve been dealing with depression ever since I was seventeen. That’s when my heart stopped. It was still beating, still keeping me alive, but I felt nothing. Nothingness slowly turned into pain. And hatred. I’ve achieved nothing. I’ve done nothing in my life. I’m a waste of time, waste of space. I was crying for help, but nobody ever listened. I would scream into my pillow every night until I fell asleep, I didn’t want to feel this pain. I wanted it to be gone. _I _wanted to be gone. I can’t count how many times I was minutes, seconds away from the irreversible. I didn’t do it and I felt like a coward. I was too weak to even do this much.

To this day I don’t know how I kept on living despite nobody giving a damn. I wanted to live, but I didn’t. And I think he felt the same. He desperately wanted to live. He was open about his condition, he reached out, looked for help. Except I got the help I needed. He, on the other hand, got scolded by his own “doctor”. He was told that it’s all because of his personality. What personality? A sensitive, compassionate angel? A loving friend? A gentle soul that wanted nothing, but to be an artist? Was it his fault that he was overworked, stressed, judged for every little thing he did? People didn’t really help either.  They would ask “is crying the new way of promoting your music?” Or say that SHINee doesn’t need Jonghyun, that he’s the ugly duckling of the group, or that he doesn’t have to pretend to know how to sing. And I’m angry. I’m so angry, because how fucking dare you?

I can't get the images of his last performances out of my head. They override everything good and sweet about him, because good and sweet is not how he felt in his final days. He felt pain and sadness, he felt old and lacking, he felt like he was so much less than he was. And he was so precious, warm and soft. Just like the fluffy blankets he loved so much. Did he feel his Blingers' love when he looked at them this one last time? Was it any comfort to him that he WAS loved by so many, after all? Did he know how far that love goes?

In his last performances he looks like he accepted his fate. And he just looks empty. He knew. He must have known what was going to happen. He was taking everyone and everything in, he was saying his last goodbyes. And it undid me completely. When he was recording the Shinin' video, did he know? Did he already know and sang "always be with you" to us to let us know that he will always be here even when his body is not?

We lost this pure soul to a disease that could’ve been treated. It was preventable. He could’ve still been with us if he got the help he need. And it truly fucks me up, and I can’t hold back tears – yet again – because he wasn’t supposed to be gone. He was supposed to be here and enjoy his life. Hold hands with girls, kiss boys, date like crazy (for the love of god let your idols date!), marry or not, have kids or not. He was supposed to make all the choices we all take for granted. But depression is a bitch that sneaks up on you and eats you alive, eats you whole, until you’re a shell, an emotionless zombie, and the thought that he probably felt like that… My heart aches for him so much I want to tear it out. I want to go back in time and do SOMETHING. I want him to be happy, grow old and depart when the time comes and not a second sooner. Would he be happy in this time line? Could I pass the strength I've gained over the years to him, so he can power through this life like an absolute champion he was?

I was watching old videos of Jonghyun interacting with other band members and I noticed that he was always craving closeness and human touch. He’d always stroke someone’s back or neck, held hands with them, hug, lean on, pat. And they weren’t big gestures, it looks like he did it all without even thinking. He enjoyed these little gestures that spoke volumes. Or how in the Excuse Me Miss video, where he’s introducing all the SHINee members, almost hyping them up, and when he introduces himself it’s in a much calmer, quieter manner. Can’t put my finger on it, but my first thought was the obvious “he’s so humble”.

In this short time he had such a great impact on my life that I miss him immensely, even though I've never met him like you guys did. I feel guilty, because I feel like I have no right to miss him, and yet I do. And I'm so utterly sad that it's hard to get up in the morning and carry on with my day, that's why I'm writing this. Will it get the sadness out of my system? I don't think it will, but I hope my thoughts and feelings will be less chaotic now. That I will be able to accept the painful reality, stop daydreaming, thinking "what if" and blaming myself even more for something I couldn't possibly help.

The last thing I want to say is that – as crazy as it sounds – I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jonghyun, that I couldn’t save you. Even though it was impossible, I’m sorry I didn’t do anything, that I wasn’t aware of your suffering, that I couldn’t be your shoulder to cry on when you needed one. I feel like it’s my fault, somehow, and that I should hop into the Future Gadget 204, 2nd Edition Ver. 2.31 right now and beg you to hold on. I wish I could. I wish it was possible. Because it does get better. It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. I don’t want any more people to feel like they’re lacking, like they aren’t enough, like they didn’t do well enough.

So, to whoever reads it and will possibly read this in the future, even if you stumble upon this “letter” a year from now, five hears, ten years; even if you’re not even born yet and it somehow survives, know that I’m here for you and I will always be here for you. If you’re looking for a sign not to do it today – let this be the sign. If you want me to remind you daily that you’re worth more than every star we’ve ever discovered – I’ll do it. I will be your friend, your shoulder to cry on, your safe haven and your protector.

And believe me, Shawols, when I say this - I wouldn't hesitate one bit if I could trade my life for his. This is the point where you go “damn, this woman crazy” and ridicule me to hell, but it won’t change the fact that if I were presented with the opportunity, I’d take it, because I have nothing to lose and there would be so much to gain. I know how many lives he affected and how many people are still hurting, and will be hurting until they meet him again. I don't believe in heaven or hell or afterlife, but thinking that he left this world in pain and there was nothing else waiting for him... I don't want it to be real. I wish he could make you all smile again. With his performances, with his IG Lives, with his wise words that touched so many, with his art, with his beautiful, gentle soul. And I'm selfish, because I want him back even though I know he didn't want to be around.

To you, my dear, dear, Jjong – you were loved. You were SO loved. You still are. You were a kind soul, a light of our eyes, that wasn’t meant for this cruel world. And your people are so proud of you. I truly hope there is life after life and that I will meet you there. And then I will give you the hug I couldn’t give when you were so alone. You will forever live in our hearts, some of which you touched even after your departure, and your legacy will never be forgotten.

I promise I will work hard. I promise to be more kind to people, but also to myself. I know you wouldn't want us to be hurting. You told us many times that we worked hard and we did well, even if they were the smallest things we managed to do at the time.

You were in my dreams the other night. You were sitting at a dining table in what had to be the strangest meet and greet ever and you signed a CD for me. For some reason it was a generic disc that was in one of those flimsy paper CD envelopes, because even in my dreams I have to totally embarrass myself. But you signed the envelope, smiled your beautiful smile and asked me if I'm well. I know it's all my brain's doing, because I've been thinking about you constantly lately, but I like to think that it's because you still very much care about your Blingers and want to check on them. Even on those that came long after you left. Hearing you now hurts, but I know that with time it will feel like warmest homecoming.

You worked hard, Jjong. Very hard. And you did well. And I thank you for that.

[smoldinopup]

SHINee World FIVE - Nagoya

A fan account that isn’t really one

I won’t write anything down in detail, and I also won’t tell you how blessed I feel or how beautiful every single one of them looks, because that’s something that everyone knows. It’s just a collection of snippets that stuck in my memory the most, and my humble, personal thoughts about my experience at a Japanese concert of SHINee.

It’s not even in a particular order, bear with me…since I wrote it down as I remembered it right after the concert.

Nagoya Day 1

I always knew that Japanese fans adore Taemin, but I wasn’t aware to what extent. He only needed to breathe and all surrounding panties dropped. You know how parents aren’t supposed to have a favorite child or if they have one to not show it so openly at least? Well, if Japanese fans were the parents and SHINee their children, it would be quite obvious who their favorite is.

Another short collection of worth mentioning moments when the audience squealed in delight:

A close up of Key’s lips and eyes after his first line in Dream Girl

Taemin’s ‘my girl’ during Downtown Baby, which resulted in a squeal from the crowd that could be heard in the neighboring city. I’m sure of it. Taemin was so embarrassed... :’)

Jonghyun’s embarrassed, cute hunching shoulders. When did it become his trademark? Did he read somewhere that fans go all ‘awwww’ when he’s doing it, so he continues doing it…because he wants to see us all in hell?

A close up of Jinki’s face while wearing glasses (he doesn’t wear that cute sweater anymore, though. I was a little disappointed, because I was so looking forward to seeing him in that sweater…maybe another ‘my Gucci burned somewhere’ accident?! They also might just have changed it to something more spring-like)

Every single time Minho’s smile was broadcasted onto the screen. Taemin might be everyone’s favorite child, but Minho is by far the most entertaining one out of the bunch. You want fan service? He serves it to you on a silvery plate decorated in flowers and a cherry on top.

There were some few accidental Jongtae moments. When Jonghyun helped Taemin to find his IEM (Key helped as well in the end, and took a look into Taemin’s shirt…obviously the fans were screaming) During sweet surprise (I think) the camera angle was a little wonky and it looked like Jonghyun was about to eat Taemin (wouldn’t be surprised if Jonghyun had thought about this at one point in his life)

During the beginning of Your Number Minho continued to yell ‘ame…ame…ame’ (rain) more than actually scripted, what everyone in the hall including their grandmother found extremely adorable…

Taemin talked probably the most after Key. Key who seems to be the main MC wherever he goes or whatever language is required. As mentioned above Japanese fans adore Taemin, and hang onto every word he says….it’s adorable. However, there are also a ton of Key stans in Japan. I saw so many Key badges and signs. I was pleasantly surprised. 

I stood next to a very loud Minho fan, and during one break when SHINee were gone, there was one fan who screamed Minho very loudly, so everyone started laughing.

The VCRs are golden, and I can’t wait to see them on DVD, especially the whole Lucifer mermen aesthetic in its full nakedness has to be savored in its completeness from the beginning to the end. There is just so much naked skin shown off in a very aesthetically pleasing way >_<

Minho is such an energetic bundle of pure joy, and his hips are no lie! Also, his voice during Mr. Right Guy is seriously no joke. No wonder that his throat hurts afterwards, but it gave me all sort of feels. Also that red suit he wears during this performance!? Well…thank you stylists for putting him into it! His legs look even more glorious in those red pants…

That ABOAB performance is really lit. I didn’t know that they also stand on swings! But then again, I refrained from watching too many fan cams, because I didn’t want to spoil the whole concert for me. Jonghyun looked quite relieved when he was able to get off the swings again, but Taemin seemed to enjoy himself a little too much. All in all this performance looks so dangerous, and I was gasping throughout while the boys climbed around the requisites like monkeys.

They all looked adorably surprised when the video for their 100th concert in Japan came on. Their faces were precious, especially Minho’s and Taemin’s…meme material right there.

They were so out of breath all the time. I mean it’s understandable with the way they perform, but it was hilarious to watch. Especially Key and Jinki seemed like two old men at times. :’)

Jinki messed up his part again in the acoustic set, and was very apologetic afterwards. Key continued to nag at him for failing so often, but then said something along the lines that this at least shows that it’s a live performance.

Taemin complained of having gained weight in North America, and that he’s fat now. I wonder if he gained that weight in his little toe, though.

Jonghyun was rather quiet in comparison. He still made jokes and was adorable as he can be, but he talked less. I don’t know if that has something to do with the Blue Night after feels, or if he just didn’t feel like talking that much, or maybe he did talk much…it just appeared to me that he talked less (because he could talk all day if it was up to me)

The Shawol ocean is no joke. The diamond lightstick is filled with magic. It gave the whole concert a complete different atmosphere. Tell me your name is such a jam, and the programming of the lightsticks during it was absolutely mesmerizing.

During the Your Number musical performance the crowd was rather quiet during most interactions between the members and their love interest. However, they went wild with cheers when it was Jonghyun’s turn. I still haven’t figured out why…maybe I will today. Possible explanation…the impression Japanese fans have of Jonghyun =/=  the impression many European/American fans have of him…but that’s just a very wild guess.

Most SHINee fans were clad in SHINee merch from head to toe, and love their SHINee bags.  Around 90% ran around with SHINee World FIVE, SHINee World V, DXDXD, or I’m your Boy bags. They also seem to enjoy these name tag thingies quite a lot. I’m personally not a fan of those, but most of the Japanese fans had at least one. I’ve seen one fan in a jeans jacket who had the name tag of every member pinned on the back of her jacket together with other SHINee badges. It looked like she was a member of a kawaii SHINee biker gang.

Everyone was quiet during the mnets. I thought that’s really respectful, and I loved that a lot. I hate it when people continue screaming when artists on stage talk *eyes everyone who does that*

When they celebrated their 100th concert, Jonghyun absentmindedly played around with two balloons (at least I think those were balloons), and the camera went onto him in a close up, and everyone went all awwwwwwwwwwwwww on him. He looked adorable when he realized he was shown on the big screen. :’)

They gave Minho silver balloon Mickey Mouse ears during the thanking speech…another aww moment. ^^ All in all...a concert with a lot of awwww moments!

Nagoya Day 2

Fun Fact: I stood on the North side of the Arena this time, and thought that the entrance would be a different one. So I got in line on the North side of the Arena…and waited…and waited...the line moved…and after 20 minutes I saw a sign that read “Fanclub じゃんけんぽん” and I was like…omg, did I just wait in line for over twenty minutes to play Rock-Paper-Scissors against SHINee? I was about to leave the line, but then thought…pfff If I’m already here I might as well play a round of Rock-Paper-Scissors against Jonghyun. The girl in front of me chose Taemin…of course…like probably 60% of all attendances. I chose rock, Jonghyun paper…and he wrapped me up (well, if that isn’t accurate) I got a Key postcard as a ‘booby price’. There was a whole throng of people standing around who wanted to change their cards against someone else’s. Anyway, it was fun…I will try my luck again in Saitama…maybe I should play against someone else and get Jonghyun’s card as a ‘booby price’??? Mmmhh…I don’t even know if you can play as often as you want to. I have to check the mail they sent out regarding the fanclub booth once again. I also still need to take an awkward photo with the SHINee photo frame they had set up next to the fan club booth...because why not!!!

First things first; Jonghyun twerked in an adorable, cringe-worthy way...it was hilarious. Taemin joined afterwards, and Minho left the stage with a little butt dance… Key looked like he regretted all his life choices once again. :’) I feel you, Key…your band members can be so embarrassing at times.

I was surrounded by the most amazing mix of people this time. :’) There was an elderly lady, probably in her 60’s already, and she had the purest fangirl heart. Most Japanese fans seem to be rather reserved in expressing their fangirl feels at concerts as far as I observed, but this woman was in full on fangirl mode…and I loved watching her so much. She was side-eyed quite badly by some of the attendances, but I loved her right away. She stood there with her lightstick and an Onew uchiwa and danced her heart out, screaming ONEW-SAN!!!!!!! around 9423409891239012 times…She was amazing and I wish her all the health and happiness in this world, and hope that she will be able to attend many more concerts, so she can scream Onew-san some more. I noticed that Jinki seems to be quite popular with the more mature ladies. There were two ladies in her 40s who went crazy over some Onew uchiwa…and most ONEW tags could be found on bags of ladies in their 40s + :’) 

There was also a boy (around 16-18) standing next to me who apparently accompanied his sister, a friend, his girlfriend…who knows. He seemed to not know what to do with himself. He had a lightstick in his hand, but didn’t use it…he just stood there for three hours and probably wondered why he was even there…him and the elderly lady built a beautiful contrast and showed perfectly how diverse the audience in Japan is; from elementary school students to university students, office ladies, house wives, pensioners, and the occasional males thrown into the mix…Fun side note; On my way to Nagoya there was a girl sitting next to me on the other side of the bus, having a fandom colored bag, nails and shoe laces, and owning all sorts of pineapple accessories. Well, for the first 3 hours I didn’t pay her any attention, because someone was sitting next to me, but then I wondered…what if she’s a SHINee fan, going to the concert as well? I tried to figure out if she had actual SHINee merch on her, because you can’t just ask people if they are SHINee fans based on aqua green nails and pineapples. :’) It was an easier time when one didn’t associate random fruits with Kpop idols...I couldn’t find anything and just let her be…However, when we arrived at Nagoya station she put her backpack on the empty seat next to hers…AND there were Onew, SHINee and Taemin badges all over…Oh well…. there was that.

Funny enough…while Taemin talked a lot during the first day, he said almost nothing during the second one. At one point I had to make sure that he was still physical present. Maybe he had already used up his word count for the day. 

But Onew talked a lot on the second day! He seemed to be in a splendid mood, being extra cutesy! I’m sure the elderly ladies were all very excited about that. :’D

At some point – I can’t remember which song – Jonghyun stumbled and suddenly stood in the middle of the lights at the edge of the stage. I was like *gasps* What are you doing, babe??? But instead of taking some steps back, he continued to dance dangerously close to the edge of the stage. Jonghyun, don’t hurt yourself, please!

1of1 was filled with Jongkey…those two were in full cutesy mode during this song…there was even a JongKey backhug! *sees all Jongkey stans raise from their ashes*

Did I already mention that Japanese fans love Taemin? They love him, and he knows it. I don’t mean it in a negative way, they should give him all their love. He deserves it! I just find it so endearing to hear those very high-pitched voices scream Taemin all the time… :’)

There should be more people talking about Become Undone! This song is just soooo good!

I was so happy to see Jonghyun perform to ABOAB and so glad he was on my side during the lifting himself up part! However, this performance has to be so exhausting for them.

Taemin with his cute little dances in between is so adorable! I just wanted to go up to him, tousle his hair and give him a cookie for being so precious! 

So, this was very random, but my mind was in a constant ‘jgmwjdiqwjdksmafk! This is really happening’ mode! It was great to finally see them perform as five even though my view wasn’t the best. I cross my fingers and hope I get better seats for the Saitama and Tokyo concert I’m going to attend. I’m still in the middle of uploading videos, and even though the concerts were just two and three days ago..it feels like weeks have passed already. :’)

[speachlesspeach]

SWV IN LA

I have feelings and I’m guessing I’d like to read this later so I’m gonna write everything I remember from the concert before it’s too late!

It was my first time in LA but thanks to the roommate I found on the facebook group we were able to find our way! (don’t be afraid, love is the way ~~)

I felt particularly lucky to be able to attend because I’m French and I’m only a few months in the US for my year abroad and literally I get to see a SHINee World (plus next month the EXOR’DIUM????) honestly I couldn’t ask for more <3

I was smiling the entire concert and my jaw still hurts but I just couldn’t stop smiling <3 I did cry at the end because I was so happy and the video and the music were beautiful and I had just seen SHINEe <3

I was very close to the stage and it was amazing to see them from so close, like, they’re real people existing out there!! I was glad I had enough room to dance because I went all out for Ready or Not and Savior and then I was like...n o more pls I’m dying. I was also surprised I could sing along to so many songs because I was so sure there’d be a bunch of songs I didn’t know!!

Vocals and dance moves were no joke and sometimes when Onew and Key came closer to my section I’d stop dancing/waving my lightstick and stare because they were so beautiful and I couldn’t believe it!

I loved seeing them look at the fans, because I was close I was able to tell how much affection they have for us ;; also they did move and I got to see the five of them separately super duper closer. It was wonderful. When Jjong in particular came I had my special Jonghyun banner I got from this one Jonghyun fansite <3

Their interactions were great. When I saw them last year at Kcon they barely had time to say hi and bye but this time there was so much talking and their English is g r e a t (I live for Minho going “are you okay?” at Key and then looking at shawols and saying’ “is he okay???”)

I could see Onew and Key look at each other and smile and it was adorable and since they were the ones who were constantly around my section they smiled at us and waved a lot!! Also at some point Taemin said something (probs dumb idk) and Jonghyun threw a ball at him and then obviously it hit Taemin Jjong was like ‘omg what have i done???’ and he hugged Taemin so many times xDDD (i still cannot believe i saw some jongtae with my own two eyes they were being so cute)

Also my fake stan self is very conflicted because she saw so much Onew and he was wondeful but! Jonghyun!! Every time Lee Jinki smiles a thousand puppies are born this is a fact!

Other than that, Shawols are nice af and I chatted with a couple people outside the venue! I met this girl who’s been into kpop since like 2009 and it was amazing to chat about older bands together!!

ALSO I GOT TO SEE @jjongeyed BUT ONLY FOR LIKE 3MIN BECAUSE I CAME IN LATE SO SHE WENT ‘FIONA’ AND WE RAN TO EACH OTHER HUGGED TOOK PICS AND THEN THE CONCERT BEGAN LMAO she’s adorable and precious and I hope I get to see her again so we can chat properly about SHINee and practice French together :333 I love you Kit <3 <3

Also saw @taeminleigh we literally live next to each other but bc we’re extra like that we met in LA xDDD I hope you enjoyed the concert and got to meet your friends <3

This is not organized whatsoever and I might add things later but. It’s ok. I enjoyed it a lot and it makes me wanna see them again and again <3

[locksters]

Kyocera Domes (Day 1 and Day 2) Fanaccount

I want to begin this saying: I merely wrote down my own experience as a major shawol for years but this being my first SHINee concert to witness myself (I always had the plan to see SHINee in 2018, have been saving for it for 3 years it’s just awful I couldn’t go earlier to at least once root for our beloved Jonghyunnie in person). I’m truly not trying to bring any harm with this fan accounts, I feel like people have mixed reactions rn to fan accounts, I mostly wrote this for myself and those who perhaps want to know how it was (I do sincerely hope ONLY shawols are reading this, otherwise I might make this private bc if you are here just to over-analyse SHINee bc of what happened or to pick on SHINee, you are in the wrong place, get out!). I tried to only write down my own observations and how it seemed to me (if you see any mistakes lemme know). The concerts were really overwhelming for me, so many things happened! I tried to capture truly everything from how the concert was, how we as public were, what happened on day 1 and day 2, how the members seemed to me, performance stuff etc. I mostly made this for myself bc I’m afraid to forget this special moment I shared with SHINee and by having this I can always go back, read and remember <3 Also ALL pictures are my own, I took them all.

It was really awesome and beautiful. De concerts were truly emotional, because they did various related or in name of Jonghyun: after the intro songs they played a vcr filled with Jonghyun photos and written text as a letter from the members to Jonghyun while Jonghyun’s End of A Day played. This really hit everyone so hard especially on day 1 but certainly also on day 2. Immediately after SHINee came on stage with a few ballad-like songs which broke everyone too, it really felt like the boys were singing for Jonghyunnie. On day 1 Onew and Key cried with us and Minho teared up on Day 2 at this part. Especially Diamond Sky gained such a new meaning, this song truly…We all did Jonghyun’s handsign to the sky during the chorus when the members also did this. After the ballads section there was a real long section of more cheerful/upbeat/title tracks/playful songs, featuring both them preforming hardcore choreographies and being playful/interacting with the audience with moving carts and Minho/Taemin in hot air balloons to even greet the fans sitting very far away from the stage and high in the dome. Near the end of this section they also performed the JPN single they recorded with Jonghyun before his passing and likely was going to be released around or before this concert, it was a really funky/upbeat song in a way reminded me of Sing Your Song and DxDxD but still very different and unique. As final 2 songs, they did Replay, this was so painful to see without our precious Jonghyun, I love the song really a lot but it was a bit sad without our pup. But wow that ending really was the most beautiful thing for Jonghyun: they ended with one last new recorded ballad song (also with Jonghyun’s voice). On stage there were 5 mics, the one in the middle with one red rose and the members entered with white suits and a red rose in their suit pocket. At the end of the song they all put their red rose in the mic holder and left the stage. That song was truly so beautiful, really showcased their insanely talented vocal skills and their unique voices. Key really teared up a lot during this song, Minho too at the end on Day 1, my heart really broke for them and both days I was crying along too.

Day 1 was like I said the most emotional, especially because we were all nervous what would happen, everything was brand-new too and we saw SHINee for the first time together after a relative long time and since it happened. We saw Onew again after a long and hard time; he really gave his 200% for these concerts. I always say based on photos that Onew’s smile is like the sun shining, and it’s so true seeing it in real life, his smile is so pretty and full of love. On day 1 everyone was pretty tense and nervous, after all lot has happened and it was the first time seeing the fans after what happened, the members were still filled with emotion like us, personally I mostly noticed Taemin and Minho being tense but they worked so hard for us too, they must have hard such a rough time preparing. Key and Onew did really work very very hard to see happy and cheerful and had insane stage presence both. During day 2 however all the members had lots a lot of nervousness and were really happy smiling and interacting/teasing the fans a lot during the middle section. Seeing everything so up close, really brought me to tears a lot of times.

Oh and Key and Taemin suddenly had new haircolours! Key is now blonde (even his eyebrows) and Taemin had like silver/ash-blonde/blue-ish tint haircolour. Watching Key preform right in front of me, really maked me question why this amazing talented person hasn’t had a solo yet, his stage presence is so good, and his expressions are the best. He knows how to charm everyone so well, and his vocals are insanely stong, he can rap perfectly sleek and pull off such high notes too. His sexy smile/smirk really gives me a heart attack often (mostly when I think back of Evil).

I saw seating both days quite close on the ground (due to SM Global Package tickets), you could really see them easily on the main stage (due to the hugh concert venue you still needed to watch this big screens tho to see their facial expressions better).  What got me really shook was their 100% live singing, I can’t even @ people still questioning SHINee’s vocal skills, like Jonghyun said all members are vocalists. That definitely includes Minho, whose vocal skills still get questioned online it seems, he can sing really very well, clear, stable and pure! (before you think I heard it all wrong/am biased: the volume of the back track was really soft compared to the volume of the mics, so we all easily heard whenever they didn’t sing a line!).

Some specific things I noted down about day 1 and day 2 right after viewing the concerts

Day 1: This day I was at H12 (on the left side of the stage). They chose a beautiful song to begin the concert with, Colours of the Season. Key’s charisma was truly exploding during Stranger, one of the first intro songs, he was pretty into it. They did a different version of Evil (choreography-wise, not with the blindfolds but with a big red see-through incorporated into the choreography). They switched a bit between songs that still had Jonghyun’s voice (mostly the ballad ones and the new songs) and covering Jonghyun lines, most titletrack/upbeat songs with lots of choreography.  Onew teared up during the world where you exist, our hearts all broke seeing that, and soon after in Diamond Sky Key also cried. Seeing them tear up, made us cry a lot too… Despite the pain and sadness, they tried very hard during the middle section to be happy and cheerful, SHINee really lives up their name ;-;

The members pulled off such high notes during a lot of songs, it was really impressive to watch, their voices did crack a lil on day 1 but still I barely noticed it. Onew’s voice range is really insane, that man can go so high! Sing Your Song was so much fun, SHINee made us sing one chorus. I was also really impressed and wow’ed by the hot air balloons, that was such a cool thing to do, both so lovely to visit the fans seating far away and cool to watch. Day 1 was rough though on the members, the ending ment was really hard. Onew didn’t say a lot during his ment but did look up to the sky after it. Taemin was during the whole concert just trying to stay calm and steady as a taemint it was a bit sad to see, he seemed like he had a hard time too. Minho did speak a lot during the ending, he was so brave and confiding into us. Key at last, already teared up by the end of Minho’s ment and had to calm himself first before speaking his ment but still hard a time to say what he wanted to say.

Day 2: my spot was even better than day 1, even closer to the stage and this time on the right side of the stage. This day I was able to watching my fave Taemin doing Everybody in front of me! Key and Taemin really killed it during Evil. Overall, their live singing was even better than day 1, I didn’t notice really any flaws (at most 1-3 missed lines??? Maybe not even that). The intro ment was also going a lot more smooth, to me it seemed they gained a lot of strength and confidence from the support we showed on day 1. Onew also seemed a bit more at ease and was even more into all the performances (especially noticeable during To Your Heart, he was waving soooo hard!!). The Jonghyun VCR and ballads did got most of us teared up again, Minho also had it hard during the first ballad song Love. At this point we all felt like Diamond Sky has gotten another meaning, Key was looking up to the sky a lot during this song and seemed to be singing for our Jonghyunnie.

The middle section was more true happiness, the boys were smiling a lot, and I think seeing all the fans giving them so much love is a true boost for them. Taemin was also being his usually self and teasing the fans and his cute tease smile/smirk was seen so cute! Hitchhiking was so sexy with 2min and onkey doing the jongkey hitchhiking move. I have to address how loving SHINee was, they were dotting on us fans so much, especially our fanservice king Minho, it seemed like his duty to greet everyone, to wave at everyone and give out hearts. My heart almost couldn’t take it, thank you so much Minho and SHINee!!!! Sing Your Song was even more fun, today they didn’t want us to stop seeing, they even made us sing an extra chorus until the music was going to another verse haha. Although this was all fun, the ending left us wet again as tears from us already started watching Replay without Jonghyun and the final song From Now On was so sad once again. Key also had it tough, shedded some tears and seemed to whisper a personal message (“I Love you”? I saw people say on twitter) to Jonghyun while looking up to the sky. The members were all trying to comfort each other and Minho and Onew were patting Key and Taemin on the back. Taemin also seemed to have it rough. I wanted nothing more but to hug them in that moment.

Back to the concert more globally, I got to say, the styling was pretty good, the first velvet outfits were so stunning truly, especially Taemin’s was gorgeous with dark blue velvet and some silver decorations, fitted his new hair perfectly. His my bias since becoming a shawol and gosh watching him do Everybody (1 of my fave tracks ever) right in front of me with that outfit really was everything in that moment, it felt so good to chant for him in that moment. I also have to mention the beauties that were the red outfits, every member looked extremely handsome in those and also the details fitted each member so well! I loved Taemin with the beret and red/black pants and Minho with those lax/leather pants haha. During day 1 I mostly saw Key and Onew (but was looking a lot for Taemin too) and on day 2 I saw a lot of Taemin and Key again, also Minho more. Taemin is really such a great performer, dancer and sooo much better live singer than I could even imagine. As someone who only saw SHINee once before (at KCON Paris were the mics/audio was awful) I was never sure just how much is really live and what is real etc. but at Kyocera I realized they were indeed that amazing at live singing as everyone said, they truly sound like the cd but sometimes even better! Especially the rap parts and high notes. I felt like an extremely proud fan realizing this all.

Regarding stage performances, they performed a lot of hard (and my fave) choreographies, really impressive to see how much stamina they have! There was a live band too that often made the songs sound even stronger and really fitted very well, also there was a background dancer team with such talented dancers amazing! SHINee was so nice to give them during one of the breaks/vcrs attention, all the dancers and members of the live band got a small solo moment to showcase themselves and have their names displayed on the big screen. The stage itself seemed to be consisting of 2 parts, the main part and another big part that moved all the way into the concert venue. Both stage parts were able to move up/down and to the front/back, it was so impressive to watch (they even moved over each other while SHINee was preforming on them!).  

I was very very happy I did a 2 day concert package because the first day really seems like a dream and I couldn’t really take up a lot because of the emotions running so high (I really don’t cry a lot normally but I cried a lot during day 1, it was pretty hard on me too). The second day felt better, both the members seemed more comfortable during most sections and us. I was happy to be able to collect some of the confetti too (gold/silver slings with the concert name and logo written onto it) and some of the feathers too that were fired during one of the songs.

With that my fan account is coming to an end but I want to finish with something to our star in the sky: my beloved Jonghyunnie, are you resting well? Did you watch over us during the concert? I hope, my love, that you did feel the tons and tons of love and sorrow people had. We still miss you so much, we still are in pain bc you left before us and the way you left. It hurts we couldn’t help you, that we have to live on without you, to never see your beautiful gorgeous smile again. I hope you know just how much you are loved, the impact you have on people, the amount of the people who are thankful to you for being there when they had it tough including myself. You saved me, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I listened well to your beautiful songs you left us, me too, will also be with you. You are forever our bling bling star in the nightsky, I will make sure to make you feel proud. I won’t let your memory and what you left behind go to waste, I will make sure you are always remembered. I think you know the SHINee members and other fans will do so too. I will make you feel proud for saving me, I will become a great person you can be proud to call your fan. Did I already say I miss you? I miss you. I love you. Thank you.

17.02.2018 and 18.02.2018 I will hold these days close to my heart forever, thank you as always SHINee