#because somewhere during my major depressive episode my brain turned off and didn’t turn back on

[bambino1294]

fuckin love having a shitty year and a useless ass uni

[tincankam]

Henry and Mingan Discussion (Revived)

As we all know, there is a particular episode in season 5 that left us all a bit devastated and left us somewhat dumbfounded on how that episode went. Season 5 Episode 4 - “Judas Wolf” was an episode that I feel needed to be changed drastically. As I have spoken to other fans they feel the same way and I think there are a few ideas that can thus fix the episode and even the show then on after. Season 5 and 6 weren't the best because of Longmire being handed over to Netflix, in turn, they just changed everything and ran it into the ground in my opinion. But this very episode, this very dramatic and sensitive episode could have changed Henry’s dynamic and the show from then on. There will be spoilers so please read at your own risk. Also, I am not a specular writer nor am I the smartest person so if I happen to leave anything out or leave more plot holes than the original, please forgive me for I have a small squirrel brain.

Right off the bat, we as the watchers are just crushed by Mingan’s death and all of us were very hopeful that things would turn out differently for him. I did cry for a few hours after watching that happen. Though there are some things that I did see as sloppy or sloppy writing from the Netflix team (I'm going to be blaming Netflix the majority of the time because they just took it over and made the show and characters really strange). Something that hasn't sat right with me is the fact that Mingan never really gave a direct answer. Why did Mingan kill himself? As I'm typing this now, I suppose the writers wanted to reflect on real depression and real events that happen to children and teens on reservations. Mingan didn't give a direct answer on why, even though Henry showed him this love and care. He believed everything was hopeless, that he lost everyone and there isn't anything left for him. So that could be the answer to why he simply did it but it just confuses me because Henry was there for him. Yet again, Mingan losing both his parents through drugs, and seeing that could have just left him hollow. This is just nit-picky but why did Mingan hang himself in the open, at a random tree? Though if I'm not correct, I think that was the same tree that was shown in Cady’s premonition dream (I cannot fully confirm this since I don’t want to see that scene of Mingan again).

With that out of the way, here is what I propose. Instead of Mingan committing suicide for no reason at all, maybe Henry catches him in the act. After taking him to school in the scene where Henry is hugging him. Henry goes through with adopting Mingan. Maybe while all of the court hearings are to officially adopt him, Mingan stays with Henry for the time being. By the end of the episode, it shows Henry purchasing a small apartment in downtown Durrant where he and Mingan can live. The closing scene is Henry holding Mingan by the shoulder, maybe telling him that “this is their new home” “Everything is going to be ok” and rubs his side as they stand in their kitchen with boxes of Henry’s and Mingan’s things. Or just have the scene be silent and have some music playing in the background as the original Longmire directors executed so beautifully. As we progress more and more into Mingan and Henry, Henry could often tell Walt, Cady, or May, in any interaction with them that Mingan doesn't seem to be too happy. Henry fully knows that he needs time to adjust but he's still worried for Mingan. Perhaps in the middle of the episode, Henry comes home and sees that the door is unlocked. Thinking that it's a break-in, he sees Mingan’s backpack on the kitchen floor. He calls out for Mingan and sprints to his room thinking that he’s in danger only to see Mingan (please be wary for the rest of this, there is suicide imagery) on a chair with the noose already tied to him and he gets a little startled by Henry. Henry lets out this horrifying scream that just shouts “No!”. He rushes to Mingan, untying him or getting a pocket knife and cutting the noose off. Mingan is still in this daze until Henry picks him up and grabs him. This is where I want to see Henry cry. Cry out of relief, grief, stress. Holding the body of Mingan who almost left this world forever, crying because he is thankful that he got home just in time. Not sobbing, holding the lifeless body of Mingan who’s happiness and existence was cut short. Henry is crying holding Mingan, they both scoot to the corner of the room. Mingan is crying too for a lot of reasons as well, for being caught, for not knowing what to do, for still feeling this despair in his heart for being so young. The scene shows Henry and Mingan crying and sniffling in the corner of Mingan’s room, Henry’s head is buried deep in the crook of Mingan’s neck, maybe even rocking back and forth. Henry’s head looks up at the remains of the noose stuck in the ceiling fan and the cut noose on the floor. He lets out a crying heave and sharply looks away. It pans out on just them in the room.

This was the most important point I wanted to get across. To have Mingan live for a plot standpoint and a moralistic standpoint. Briefly touching on the morality side, people with depression and other debilitating mental illnesses are seeing this, it’s better to get across that things do get better, it does. Eventually, the pain will go away. People are out there who care for you. Whether you know it or not, they are there. Having Mingan kill himself so suddenly and so unwarranted I feel like was such a heartbreak. Yes as I said earlier, this could be a reflection of people still wondering why their son or daughter or father had committed suicide and not knowing why to this day and the reflection of generations in reservations that feel like there is nothing left in the world for them. But there will be something there one day, it will happen, Mingan didn’t deserve to die. Now getting the point across that Henry is there for Mingan can represent to the audience that people are there who indeed care and you may not even know who they are but they are a godsend. As we are tying this into a plot standpoint, we can dive deeper into Henry’s past and Mingan’s future.

Henry decides to take Mingan to his childhood house and show him all the pictures from when he was a child. Telling him that he grew up in a not-so-perfect household with an abusive father and a mother who had died during childbirth with him. Maybe this can tie into another post I made ages ago that Henry even was sent to “Indian Boarding School” (theorized). His childhood was filled with grief and sadness as well and even mentions to Mingan that he's “tried too” (meaning that he has tried to commit suicide as well) but it’s not worth it. A heartfelt moment after another. We can also see Mingan visually grow as a character in a show, getting better, becoming a young adult, not slipping through the cracks. Maybe we can even see Mingan confront Henry about being Hector. Perhaps Mingan finds Henry’s Hector stuff as they are moving and confronts him about it. Having Henry retire the Hector mantle. By the end of the series, there is a healthy Father and Son relationship (No thanks to Walt and Cady because there is no chemistry between the two and it’s somewhat sad).

I am sorry that I made this post a little too long, but I needed to get it out there somewhere. Maybe even some other fans out there will appreciate this as well. There just needed to be a bit more happier endings with Longmire. Just even a little. Mingan was a character that I feel could have added so much more passion and new elements to play with.

[poptarts-and-rainbows]

Life Update, 16 January 2019

This is a very VERY long post.

I mostly just needed to type some things out to make sense of them for myself and to put it somewhere, feel free to read it if you’ve got some weird morbid curiosity about my hot mess of a life or something, lol- but I got on to my actual laptop (very rare) just so I can add the cut to this to try to spare as many people as possible. 

Thank you for your patience, you will be returned to your regularly scheduled content shortly!

So yesterday was the day from absolute SHIT! Which is not a real saying, but work with me.

Anyways, it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, right? Like I got home and threw myself down on my bed and cried a little bit, legit like a Disney Princess.

BUUUUUT, after I logged off for the night, some surprising and good things happened!

At one point, after pouting for a couple of hours, I left home to go grab food and ran into two of my roommates very briefly as I was walking out, and then saw them again when I came home. During both of these instances we exchanged only the most basic of pleasantries (during which I was V E R Y anxious).

I’ve talked a little about it on here before, but I’ve been more or less avoid them for… close to a month (oops), because I was in a little bit of bad headspace/very stressed out about my perceived place in their lives/if they wanted me around anymore or if they would be better off without me, etc., TYPICAL garbage stuff that my stupid trash brain loves to over-analyze about and drive me crazy over.

Isolating is one of my favorite bad habits. I’m very good at it and have done it to various degrees many many times, even since I’ve moved to Washington (less than a year ago). Typically, an episode doesn’t last an entire freaken month (ok, 3 weeks), but on prior occasions I also normally had work 5 days a week, and we were just on winter break at school during this go around (ergo, no responsibilities to force me out of bed). But 3 WEEKS with like… 10 minutes of in person interaction every fifth day?? That can get to even the most introverted of persons.

Going back to last night- I ran in to two of my roommates twice, they acknowledged me and I did the same to them and made the general statement that the rest of the pizza I was leaving downstairs was up for grabs, and then scurried off to my room again, my tail between my legs, feeling like crap and a total TOOL. It’d been 3 weeks, I didn’t know how to just starting talking to them again, eventhough I have wanted to for a while.

I ate my pizza in peace (it was very disappointing… I ordered the wrong type of crust), and then I honestly think I blacked out a little.

One second I was standing by more door, trying to hype myself up to take my plate down to the kitchen, and the next thing I knew I was at the sink! With everybody else!?!! 

My boy roommate, Austin, teased me a little bit about seeing me outside of my room (he is my favorite, even though his girlfriend, Michelle, and I have known each other for 5 years and she is why I moved to Washington when I left the Army in the first place), and I made some, admittedly weak, comeback, and then busied myself with doing the dishes while they talked. I reacted at the appropriate conversation junctions and even occasionally I pipped up, but always very quiet and TERRIFIED.  

When I finished I could have scampered away back to my room again, just being downstairs with everybody else was more than I’d done in 3 weeks- every other occasion I had only run into each of them individually and only long enough to refill my water bottle- and I wanted nothing more than to go hide under my covers again, but I FORCED myself to go sit at that damn table and join them.

Simple enough, rationally, right? Not something a person is normally proud of… but that is something that is actually incredibly difficult for me, even at the best of times. I am close to unable to join any established social situations without a direct invitation because I always feel like I’m intruding- yes, even in my own house. Maybe a couple of surprised looks were exchanged, but they didn’t all immediately get up and leave, so I took it as a good sign.

It was mostly still them talking amongst each other, but I managed to add a few comments, and Michelle even talked to me a little bit (she isn’t always… super understanding of when I have these sort of issues, so I know she’s definitely mad at me at least somewhat, which is understandable and totally fair). Eventually she did go upstairs to do homework, but that wasn’t entirely unusually because she is a huge nerd/pre-med.

However, Austin ended up hanging out with me for a while! At first we just talked about school, but then I opened up a little and managed to explain, somewhat, that it wasn’t anything against anyone in the house, as to why I had been being a hermit, but that I’d been struggling with myself a little bit again. I didn’t elaborate too much, but there have been conversations about some of the issues I have sometimes before, so he told me he was just glad I’m feeling better.

I don’t know, this was really long (sorry if you’re on mobile and can’t skip the cut), but I’m just feeling really good about it and wanted to share somewhere. It’s not much, but it’s definitely an improvement over how things have been going.

One of the major reasons I’ve decided to give sobriety another serious try (besides that I come from a long lime of alcoholics and I definitely have a problem as well), is because I’m just… sick of feeling terrible and having to fight all of the time.  I’ve struggled with depression since I was probably 12, and alcohol typically makes those feelings worse- the depression, plus a genetic predisposition and turbulent childhood, etc., increase chances of alcohol abuse, and then the alcohol abuse can worsen depression, so on and so forth… it’s a vicious cycle, and I’m almost thirty.

I’m tired. I know some of it I won’t be able to fix, depression will probably be my little terrible asshole buddy forever, but I want to take responsibility for how I sometimes make my position worse (whether through self-sabotaging on “purpose” or by not putting in the effort to help myself in the places I have the power too). I want to move on to a healthier place, so I can not only maybe be happy, but also so I can maybe eventually share my life with somebody someday. I’ve never dated, because I put my friends through enough- this recent stunt evidence enough... I’ve never trusted myself not to hurt somebody I love like this too, and, you know, like I said, THIRTY. (Ok, I’m “only” about to turn 29, but close enough!)

This roommate stuff began like… just two days after my last drink (maybe that even influenced my perception of the situation that caused me to think it would be better if I just didn’t bother anyone, idk), but, because I’ve been exceptionally stressed about the roommate situation and potentially losing a very good long time friend (which may still happen, we’ll see), I’ve felt a little discouraged about giving up drinking. 45 days is the longest I’ve gone since I was 21 (with the exception of Basic Training, when I had no choice), and I don’t really remember how I felt at that time, but I hadn’t been feeling any better this time. Typically it takes 3 months for a person’s mental health to full recovery from the affects of alcohol abuse, but I expected to feel something and hadn’t been, but now I finally think I do.

I finally believe there just might be sunshine on the other side after all.

[cocaineballs]

Rant

Trigger warnings: self-harm, mentions of biphobia, minor (or arguably major) spoilers for One Day At A Time and Brooklyn Nine Nine, suicide mentions

I wanna preface this by saying that I’m a queer (bi/gender-fluid/aceflux) latinx (my mom is from Mexico and my dad from Guatemala) who for the most part identifies with she/her pronouns. My mother was born in the late 60s and my father in the late 50s.

I’ve spent the past 14-ish hours watching One Day At A Time because I’ve always seen how good it is and I wanted to finally give it a shot. So, when it came to the episode where Elena comes out to Penelope, I felt so happy to see Elena tell her mom that it felt like a breath of fresh air, which really hit home because that’s what it felt like when I came out to my mom. Albeit, my coming out story when it comes to my mom wasn’t the best. 

I was 16, going on 17 and I remember it happening sometime in March, maybe April. I remember specifically because we got some cats a few weeks after in May, and week(s) prior in March two of my dogs had gotten stolen (a month after one of our other dogs got run over. we had three total). I was really depressed, and losing the dogs was the final straw because they were my babies, so I resorted to self-harming. Much like a lot of people I knew who used to self-harm (and I hope to god they’ve gotten the help they need or at least gotten better from where they were) that was not the first time I self-harmed. I had started when I was 13 and it continued until that day in junior year (I believe, part of me still believes there was a time during my senior year that I might have forgotten about, and the more I think about it, it probably did happen). 

So, my mom finds out that I cut myself and she goes into hysterics, but why wouldn’t she? I’m not the first daughter of hers to harm herself. I’m not the first kid of hers to be depressed. When I step back and think about it, I think we all -collectively as a family- are depressed. But there’s my mother, seeing these fresh cuts on my forearm and she loses it.

“Que hice mal yo? Adonde fue mal?”

And I’m quick to reassure her that it was nothing to do with her. It was all pent up for over a year. The last time I self-harmed myself before that was the end of Freshman year, in 2015. Sophomore year was the hardest year for me (senior year coming in at a close second) but I managed to stay clean. I was clean for thirteen months! Only for it to all go down the drain.

It was all pent up breakdowns from sophomore year, it was all pent up anger I held about my sister. Only a few months prior, my father told me some shit that still hurts to this day, despite the fact I’ve forgiven him for it -and while it’s important to my point, it’s not at the moment, so that’s something I’ll come back to- and it stayed with me for so long. School was going semi-bad and I was tired of all the drama with friends and with whatever drama was going on at home. Plus, I was still healing from being preyed upon by my mother’s ex -something she still does not know about to this day, nobody does. So the dogs being stolen was the last straw and I harmed myself. I cut myself, I pulled on my hair until balls of it were coming out, I would break nails stabbing them into my palms, I even attempted burning myself once. 

So, my mom sees these cuts and she’s crying, blaming herself for it and I’m trying my hardest to tell her that it’s not her fault and my second oldest sister was there, witnessing it all and my niece and nephew were there watching it all go down and I felt so bad. And what hurts most is that it wasn’t the first time my niece was exposed to my cuts, in fact, she was one of the first to see them back when I was thirteen, but she was four going on five at the time, and she understood none of it, she thought I fell and she just said to be careful because she was a kid and that meant more to me than anything. That’s one exchange I still think about a lot. So then my sister leaves and when it’s all quiet and I’m sitting in the aftermath of it all with my mom in the deafening silence, I let it out. 

“Ma, me gustan los muchacho...y las muchachas. Soy bi.” 

And then the room went quiet again and I felt like a sort of weight was lifted. Because I knew I felt that way since I was 12 and I wanted to tell her since I was 13, but I knew it was too soon. And I don’t know why I decided that was a good time to do it. But I did it and I felt relieved because I let it all out. And she told me,

“Eres muy joven para saber lo que quieres. No sabes lo que quieres.”

And it hurt me so much, and I felt sad and lost and I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to react. I’d never spoken back to my mom and I never planned on it, now was not the time. Soon after, we went with my sister and her kids on a walk and we all calmed down and it was like things went well after. She slowly came around to the idea and it was beautiful and she can joke about it with me now and she accepts me for who I am, and she loves me and that’s all I can ask for.

But then, there’s my dad. I’m a daddy’s girl. He means the world to me and I’m his only daughter. It seems like nowadays, everyone but him knows. Everyone but him knows his baby more than he does. Because I’m still hiding one of the biggest parts of my identity from him. And everybody asks me why.

“He loves you so much, he’ll never stop loving you over this!!”

But how do I know that? All my life I’ve known my father’s love, and I’m so thankful that I have that privilege. I’m so thankful that he’s been my biggest supporter because everything I do, is for him and for my mom. But how do I know that this won’t change things?

I kept watching One Day At A Time, and the way Elena’s dad walked out on her during her quince, because he couldn’t handle who she was. He thought it was a phase. Made me think of when Rosa Diaz came out to her parents in Brooklyn Nine Nine and they weren’t accepting. 

Rosa’s hit home because I have a brother -my oldest brother- who still denies my sexuality. I’ll joke around saying I’m sooooo gay

“Are you really gay?” 

I was under the impression everyone knew. “I’m bi but yeah.”

“That’s not real.”

And I’m stunned. So I tell him it’s real and valid and he says it’s not. And that I’m not gay. I can’t be gay if I’m bi, which he still denies and says is invalid. And it sucks having my racist straight brother tell me that I’m not gay. Not even an actual homosexual family member tells me I’m not gay. But I end up deciding to identify with Queer. Because it seemed more open, more universal, more me. Suddenly the comments stop but he still thinks it’s invalid. And I live with that every day. With his closed-mindedness, telling me to pick a side. As if it’s something I can turn on and off or choose from. 

But back to my dad. He’s loved me all my life. But then in November of 2016, one of my sisters was taken into the hospital because she was a risk to herself. She was suicidal and the ambulance took her. The cops had been tipped off by her boyfriend and they came to my house, and what sucks, even more, is that it’s not the first time it’s happened. So, I answer the door to the cops again at one in the morning on a school night and my sister is avoiding it. So she’s in the shower, but we’ve been through it before and so they ask me questions and I’m shitting bricks because I’m surrounded by three policemen and I’m alone and I’m sure there’s some weed somewhere in the house. My sister gets out and I go back into my room and I’m all alone. Except I’m not. I step out and there’s a policeman in the dining room of our small apartment doing nothing -probably making sure neither of us blows our brains- and I’m having to sneak around in my own house. So when they leave I call my mom to let her know what happened and soon after I’m texting my dad that I won’t be going to school tomorrow -even though I’m on T3 already and I still have a semester to finish. So he calls me asking me what happened and all I say is family emergency. But how do I tell him that my sister is suicidal? I don’t. So I tell him family emergency and call it a night, but he won’t let it go and he gets mad at me. He calls me and yells at me about why can’t I trust him. I’m sobbing, telling him it’s not my place and he’s only getting angrier by the second. 

“Pues si no puedes confiar en mi, pues ya estoy muerto a ti.” 

And that sentence is engrained in my mind. His voice as every syllable leaves his lips are engrained in my mind and it sucks because I still think about it two years and two months later. Two weeks later, It’s Thanksgiving and I’m forgiving him because otherwise, he’s alone. My brother on his side won’t spend it with him, I’m the only one who remembers we have a father. I guess I hold that power. I’m the only one of the two of us that still remembers he’s there. 

So, I’m watching One Day At A Time, watching Elena’s dad go from loving the soul out of his baby girl to almost hating her for her sexuality because he can’t accept it, and I’m scared. Scared that my dad will do or feel the same. Angry, upset, hatred over my sexuality. I mean, I still like boys, I do. But can he see past me liking girls too? I don’t think I could live with that and it scares me. He’s my dad, he’s my everything and I’m scared of what he’ll think. And sometimes, I think about just not coming out to him at all, but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t. I’ll regret not telling him and I’m scared of losing my dad. I know I’m his baby, he spoils me and that’s not why I love him, but he makes it known he loves me.

I don’t know. I’m in my feelings and coming out to my father is a scary thought. And these shows really triggered me in ways I was not expecting. They’re so great though and I can’t get enough. 

[purelyfrivolous]

Before throwing last year into the mental trash bin and letting ourselves get lost in looking forward, I thought it’d be good to stop and reflect on the things in 2017 that weren’t terrible.

Unfortunately it’s true that – while a grouping of 365 days can be neither good nor bad, as they’re just days – many uncomfortable and unfortunate things did cover last year in a bit of a deep fog. On a personal level, it was one of the darkest periods of time in my entire life. BUT, there was light and there was hope. AND WE MADE IT.

The death of my father and the worsening of my mother’s cancer brought me closer to my family and made me realize, deeper than ever before, that we cannot take anything for granted. The sudden passing of a former color guard student, in whom I saw so much of myself, caused me to take a look at my mental health and begin reaching out instead of turning in towards myself. The onset of a deeper-than-normal depression and a heightening of my anxiety led to a reevaluation of my priorities and allowed me to take a step back to regroup. Following my gut and doing what I felt was right instead of what I felt was required of me turned into one of the best summers of my life, full of laughter, growth, and joy – which, sandwiched between the difficult beginning and end to the year, was made even sweeter.

And, there’s no getting around the fact that the world is a little unhinged. That can sometimes make getting out of bed in the morning even more challenging. There are reasons to get up, my friends. There are things that are worth it and there always will be, if we make sure to continue looking for them.

So here I am, writing this post (the first of three) with some of my favorite things from 2017. This one is dedicated to some odds and ends as well as the two current books that I read last year. The next will feature the music that kept me going, and the last will contain the movies and television that made an impact on me.

Without further ado, here are a few of my favorite things that 2017 had to offer (in no particular order)!

Turtles All The Way Down, John Green & Little Fires Everywhere, Celeste Ng

The Voice & Addison Agen

“Call Me Mother” on SYTYCD by Mark Kanemura

Football?!

Santa Clara Vanguard, “Ouroboros”

Sterling K. Brown, This Is Us

Museums

Theater (and NYC!)

The Lonely, Swimming Pygmy Sloth from Planet Earth II

“The Hilarious World of Depression” Podcast / John Green / VlogBrothers / NYT Article

The Costumes and Production Design of Film and Television

Turtles All the Way Down & Little Fires Everywhere

Of the 20 books I read last year only two of them were released in 2017. They both ended up being phenomenal. John Green‘s Turtles All the Way Down was released this fall when I was amidst the darkness of losing my former student to suicide and dealing with my own inner demons. It was a little beam of light that helped illuminate the path forward. While the plot is sometimes head-scratchingly strange (the Tuatara, anyone?), it is the honesty with which Green brings OCD and anxiety to life through the main character, Aza Holmes, that sticks with me. There were moments while reading this book that I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone else understood a little part of my brain that I’d long believed no one else could. As Aza falls into her “though spirals” and picks away at a literal open wound she paints a picture of what it’s actually like to live mental illness on a day to day basis. I identified so strongly with this young woman that whatever issues arose in the plot didn’t matter. John Green is a brilliant writer and for those who often feels lost in their youth, still trying to find themselves, he is a kind of comforting truth. Turtles is a sometimes difficult read but it is one that will stay with me for a very long time.

If you escaped 2017 without seeing Celeste Ng‘s novel Little Fires Everywhere somewhere, you’re possibly a hermit. It was everywhere: Amazon’s “best novel of 2017,” New York Times Bestseller, Goodreads Readers’ Choice Award winner for Fiction, and the top of numerous other “best” lists. I’m naturally inclined to avoid such items as they surely cannot live up to the hype. For some reason I was drawn to this book nonetheless, and it did not disappoint. The titular fires became, for me, two of the central characters’ spirits. Along the way you’re introduced to a couple of women with spunky personalities that are unpredictable and endlessly interesting. Two families collide in surprising ways and there is an exploration of family dynamics that creates numerous meaningful moments. This novel isn’t exciting in an eventful plot kind of way but after a slow ignition, the metaphorical flames burn bright and enrapture.

The Voice & Addison Agen

I’d given up on The Voice after Season 4 for numerous reasons, most importantly the mammoth time commitment to catch each of the many hours that were broadcast each week over multiple nights. Occasionally I’d hear something I liked or a name would pop up on social media and I’d take note again for a second, but I’d largely moved on. For some reason I had to see what Jennifer Hudson was going to bring to Season 13, so I reluctantly tuned in. What a fulfilling choice that ended up being. The talent this past season was astounding. It is rare for me to watch a reality competition of any kind and like more than a small handful of contestants, but I constantly found myself loving a majority of the performances week after week. A core group stood out from the beginning – Chloe Kohanski, Brook Simpson, Noah Mac, Davon Fleming, and youngster Addison Agen – and astounded with each song in their own unique ways. It was the last in that list, 16-year-old Addison, that seized my attention. As with an actor that I’ll mention later in the list, Addison’s performances did something to me. She hit a nerve that cannot be explained. While she was on stage I couldn’t take my ears and eyes away. She, unlike many of the the most seasoned performers in the world, feels the music and conveys those emotions to her audience. She lives the notes. I truly believe that there is an enormous career ahead of her if she gets the right people around her and makes the kind of music she began leaning into throughout the course of The Voice. (“Tennessee Rain” is a legitimately wonderful track!) It is rare that someone comes along with the entire package – the voice, the stage presence, the songwriting skills, and the adorable and genuine personality. Watch out for this one. She is a superstar.

“Call Me Mother” on SYTYCD by Mark Kanemura

So You Think You Can Dance was another show that I’d sadly given up on following but found my way back to in 2017. The format had changed a bit since I’d last watched and I’d found it to be more exciting and than ever before. The all-stars brought so much to the show (I will watch Robert Roldan dance anything, anytime, forever) and the choreography was off the charts, not to mention the immense talent of the Season 14 contestants. The highlight of highlights however was a group number during the Top 8 episode that was choreographed by SYTYCD alum Mark Kanemura to the song “Call Me Mother” by RuPaul. Talk about a convergence of favorite things! Kanemura is a staple in my daily social media life with his hilarious Instagram antics (and obsession with Carly Rae Jepsen) and RuPaul is one of the most amazing humans on the planet, so when this number began my heart paused as to not interrupt the magic of it all. The unique choreography style that Kanemura has doesn’t always land, and his Gaga-dancer-days show up in certain moments, but this was the rare convergence of right song/right time/right moves/right performers. It all just worked, and it did so because of the bold (brave?) choices that Kanemura makes. He’s a person filled with unbridled energy and in this case his “go big or go home” style made for a hugely entertaining success. #YouRideThatTrainGurlllll

Football?!

Immediately following the dance number above, this seems an unlikely entry in the list. It’s as surprising to me as it is to most of my family and friends when I say that one of my favorite things from the last year was sitting down and voluntarily watching professional football. I’d avoided watching sports on television for most of my life, hiding out in my room while my father and brother took in game after game, but a joke interest in the Seattle Seahawks turned into a legitimate love of the NFL. I became a “fan” of the Seahawks because I liked their uniforms. My favorite color combination (my “wedding colors” as I’m annoying known to say) is bright green and navy blue and the northwestern vibe of the logo is an interesting departure from the mundanity of the rest of the NFL logo lineup. I watched a few games and began paying a little more attention to their coach and some of the players, and ended up finding myself getting more invested than I’d anticipated. I’d become a legitimate “12” and picked up a “backup team” along the way, too (Go Panthers!). It turns out that there’s a lot to appreciate in the game – and the athleticism, strategy, and philosophy behind the sport aren’t really that far away from my alternate universe of marching band & drum corps. Who knew?!

Santa Clara Vanguard, “Ouroboros”

Speaking of that alternate universe, one of the things that gave me immense joy in 2017 was the show “Ouroboros” by the drum and bugle corps Santa Clara Vanguard. The mythical snake-eating-it’s-tail idea was turned into an impeccably designed, cohesive, exciting, and original production that was performed at an unbelievable level. The uniforms (with their supper body serpent detail and scale-effect circular pattern), the musical selections, the gorgeous flag designs, the ridiculously effective choreography and movement, and those brilliant props! It all coalesces into one of my favorite drum corps shows of all time. Second place has never looked (or sounded) so good.

Sterling K. Brown, This Is Us & Elisabeth Moss, The Handmaid’s Tale

As with Addison Agen earlier in the list, there is something unexplainable about the actor Sterling K. Brown and the performances he gives. A standout in The People V. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, he burst onto the scene and began picking up awards at every turn, but it is his stunning portrayal of “Randall Pearson” on This Is Us that establishes him as one of the best actors working today. I can’t pinpoint what exactly he does that makes me feel the way I feel when I watch him on screen. He, like Addison with music, strikes that nerve. He finds layers within a character and he manages to bring them all forward. A look, a tear, a monologue…he breathes life into the story and elevates it in a special way. Each week I tune in and find myself with tears in my eyes, saying, “I love him so much.”

Similarly, Elisabeth Moss astounds in every single second of her time on Hulu’s accolade-stealing hit, The Handmaid’s Tale. The show is a masterpiece (episode four is one of the most gorgeous, haunting, brilliant episodes of television I’ve ever seen) but it is vaulted into the atmosphere by the central performance of Moss as “June Osborne / Offred.” It is not an overstatement to say that she can command a scene and say paragraphs with only her eyes. She is beyond gifted as an actress and there is no denying that she is also one of the best in the business.

Museums

During my time at Iowa State University this past year I began looking more closely at museums and expanding my already large interest in art and exhibitions. I began the year with an internship on campus at the Textiles & Clothing Museum. It was a wonderful experience that forever changed the way that I look at museums and the objects they contain. With more knowledge of the behind-the-scenes process I developed a deeper appreciation for a good museum and all that it can offer. On the surface museums offer a place for the public to explore the treasures of the world and expose us to animals, paintings, sculptures, clothing, science experiments, and minerals that we otherwise would never get the chance to view. But they are so much more. They are institutions of learning for the most educated individuals doing research and for children on class field trips, and everyone in-between. They are a form of artistic expression in their own right, each having a specific vision and mission statement, and each working to enrich the world in a different way. Over the course of the year I made stops at many superb places including: The Des Moines Art Center (“Drawing in Space” was a phenomenal), the Metropolitan Museum of Art (what can you say other than WOW?), Cooper Hewitt (so unique and interactive – the future of the small museum!), The Museum at FIT (a tour with the curator of “Paris Refashioned, 1957-1968” was so enthralling that I came back only hours later to tour the whole museum), MoMA (Seeing Vincent van Gogh’s The Starry Night in person was so moving that I walked away to avoid crying in public), The Field Museum (an interesting look at the history of the tattoo was a highlight), the Joslyn Art Museum (gorgeous building!), the State Historical Museum of Iowa (where I kept gravitating back towards “Hollywood in the Heartland“), as well as Taliesin (Frank Lloyd Wright’s home and studio in Spring Green, WI.), and the zoos (Which are considered museums! Fun fact!) in Des Moines, IA., Madison, WI., Indianapolis, IN., and Chicago, IL. (Lincoln Park).

Cooper Hewitt, NYC

Joslyn, Omaha

State Historical Museum of Iowa

DSM Art Center

Theater (and NYC!)

I love theater. I especially love musicals, but anything on a stage will do. I attend a handful of productions each year but this year I outdid myself. Aside from the shows on national tours (Mamma Mia!, Fun Home, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nite-Time, Something Rotten!, Shaping Sound Co. (dance), and The Color Purple) my husband and I went all out during our vacation to NYC in March and in one week we saw 6 more productions! The Glass Menagerie was our first-ever play on Broadway and it featured Sally Field, Finn Wittrock, Joe Mantello, and Madison Ferris. The sparse staging and unique direction from Tony Award-winning director Sam Gold made for a polarizing production that ultimately failed to win over many of the critics and the most ardent theater-goers. Overall it was an unforgettable experience and quite the way to kick off our week in the city. Sunday in the Park with George was such a draw for us that we moved our trip back a few days so that we could catch the show before it closed. We couldn’t have made a better decision. It’s hard to describe how it felt to be sitting in that theater watching Jake Gyllenhaal and Annaleigh Ashford sing some of the most incredible songs ever written for the theater. I wasn’t a super fan of Stephen Sondheim, though I had enjoyed Sweeney Todd  and Into The Woods, but this experience changed everything. Like Menagerie, there was a minimalist approach to the set design so the music and the performances were even more exposed than usual. I had expected to be distracted by Jake, being such a ginormous movie star, but I found myself unable to take my eyes off of Annaleigh. They were both remarkable (!!!) but there is that “something special” about Annaleigh and she was captivating. The whole show moved me so much more than I had expected. It was absolutely one of my all-time favorite theater moments.

Broadway Backwards was a last minute splurge for us in an attempt to avoid the unexpected cold and snow that accompanied a surprise winter storm during our “spring break” trip. While technically not a Broadway show, it was a stage production that took place in the area and had numerous Broadway actors, so it counts! Josh Groban, Cynthia Erivo, Julie White, Sierra Boggess, John Glover, Andrew Rannells, Santino Fontana, Carolee Carmello, Kathleen Turner, Andrew Keenan-Bolger and Jay Armstrong Johnson, as well as many other, performed songs written for the “opposite gender.” It was a once in a lifetime BLAST. We loved every moment of it. Then, there was the real reason we had made the trip to NYC: Dear Evan Hansen. I can’t say anything other than it instantly became my favorite musical of all time and Ben Platt’s performance will forever be seared into my mind. He was beyond words. I honestly cannot describe it without getting worked up and babbling endlessly. If you have not seen it, you must find a way. Even without Ben in the lead, it must not be missed. Seriously.

The same day that we saw D.E.H, we scored cheap tickets at the last minute for The Great Comet. It was the most complete theater experience I’ve had. From the moment you walked through the front doors into the lobby area you were transported to another time and place. The dilapidated walls adorned with Russian propaganda and the harsh fluorescent lighting in the “bunker” catch you off guard but, more importantly, they create a contrast that becomes apparent when you finally enter the main theater. Inside it is a velvety-red Swarovski fantasy. With 20,000 Swarovski crystals on the (gorgeous) starburst chandeliers, and another 110,00+ on the costumes, the entire room sparkled nearly as bright as the comet at the heart of the show. The immersive staging took everything up a notch and created an experience unlike any other. I didn’t always follow the famously complicated story line nor did I enjoy ever tiny aspect of the musical’s book, lyrics and score, but my goodness, what a production! Lastly, we finished out our week in Manhattan with a show that we had planned to see a year before when it first opened, Waitress. A change in plans meant that we had to wait to see Sara Bareilles’ heartwarming, hilarious, brilliant music come to life on stage. It was worth it. Christopher Fitzgerald and Drew Gehling made me laugh so hard I was in tears. Jessie Mueller demonstrated why she is one of the best on Broadway. We got to see the show again when it came to Des Moines on tour and it was just as wonderful the second time around. I wish I could bottle the feeling I have when I leave a theater after watching a show and keep it on hand for when I need a little boost in life. It is my therapy.

***OH! And, Caroline Rhea sat directly in front of us (a few rows behind Josh Gad) and took a selfie with us. So, basically, the BEST DAY EVER.

CAROLINE RHEA!

The Lonely, Swimming Pygmy Sloth from Planet Earth II

By far the weirdest entry in my list, this little guy stole my heart and I smile every time I think about him. A Pygmy Sloth is shown looking for a mate on an episode of Planet Earth II, and it is must-see television. It is narrated by David Attenborough and that spectacularly written script is key to the cuteness factor of the video (sadly the video below does not contain that narration). We learn that he hears a female across a body of water so he swims his little self across, only to find that the object of his affection already has a baby and is unable to mate. It. Is. So. Ridiculously. Adorable. Do yourself a favor and watch the entire series, which is astounding, and get the full version of this slothiest-sloth thing that has ever been.

“The Hilarious World of Depression” Podcast / John Green / VlogBrothers / NYT Article

The phenomenal book of John Green’s that I talked about at the top of this 3000-(and counting)-word post tied in with a set of other things that were extraordinarily important to me this past year. John appeared on a podcast that I’d fallen in love with called “The Hilarious World of Depression.” It solidified my appreciation for that podcast and made it something that I look forward to on a weekly basis. There’s something to be said for hearing people talk openly about the things that society has told us we should be ashamed of. I have spent my whole life feeling like my anxiety and depression were secrets that I had to mask and pretend didn’t exist. With this podcast you’re able to see that funny, famous, “important” people also have these issues, and we shouldn’t shy away from discussing them. It is only through bringing these things into the conversation that we will begin to remove the stigma, and possibly save lives.

John and his brother, Hank, also have a YouTube channel called “Vlogbrothers,” and I have grown to love their quirky uploads that explore a vast array of topics. Recorded as messages to each other, Hank and John shed light on different subjects but, more importantly, show us who they are as human beings. They are open and genuine, both qualities that aren’t currently overflowing in the social media world. It’s refreshing. Again, seeing them deal with their demons makes it just a little bit easier to deal with my own. Speaking of which, the last random part of this entry in the list is an article from the New York Times that came into my life at that darkest of dark times. It was called, “Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?” and I had never read anything that discussed certain parts of my past in the way that this piece did. I missed a very large chunk of elementary school when I got sick at school and subsequently could not go back. I had a meltdown and became so afraid that I’d get sick again that I refused to leave my house. It was a terrible experience, working with someone to help me get in the car…then drive to the school…then get out of the car…then go into the school…each as their own step, over multiple days. I’d always held that somewhere deep within me, ashamed and absolutely convinced that my experience was complete unique. This article, published 24 years after my struggle, finally showed me that what I had gone through had a name – emetophobia. They describe it in this article as, “a fear of vomit that can be so debilitating that people will sometimes restrict what they eat and refuse to leave the house, lest they encounter someone with a stomach flu.” It turned out that I wasn’t crazy, and other people had dealt with similar things. I found myself in so many of the people described in the piece. It rang true and gave me the courage to finally reach out and begin my journey towards a life in which my mental health no longer controls me. It will be a struggle, but I’m grateful for this assortment of authors, podcasters, and vloggers that have already made it easier.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html?mtrref=www.google.com&gwh=299DF44B0602F2616509623F61F4A9D7&gwt=pay

The Costumes and Production Design of Film and Television

Lastly, some of my favorite things this past year were costumes and sets in television shows and films. As an apparel-minded person I’ve always been drawn to costumes but my interest in the production design, cinematography, and the overall design of the entertainment I consume is new. I’ve opened my eyes to the whole product instead of just focusing solely on what the characters are wearing. The costumes have more purpose now and they are more meaningful because they exist within a complex world that has layers of meaning. Each detail comes together to tell the story and that makes for a richer viewing experience. Some highlights of the year were: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (which I have discussed briefly here), The Shape of Water (a bit about the production design here), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (even though I did not care for the film itself), The Crown, Wonder Woman, Beauty and the Beast, The Greatest Showman, Will & Grace, Riverdale, The Handmaid’s Tale, and Schitt’s Creek.

The Perfect Pink (©Amazon)

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel ©Amazon

Sally Hawkins & Richard Jenkins in The Shape of Water

“Sally Hawkins in a scene from Shape of Water. The window arch was directly inspired by one in 1948’s The Red Shoes” ©Kerry Hayes/Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.

GotG Vol 2. “Ayesha (Elizabeth Debicki)” – Photo: Film Frame/Marvel Studios

GotG Vol 2. “Mantis”

Elizabeth and Philip – The Crown ©Netflix

Princess Margaret – The Crown ©Netflix

Wonder Woman

Beauty and the Beast 2017. Designs by JACQUELINE DURRAN – Photo ©EW

Rebecca Ferguson – The Greatest Showman

Hugh Jackman and the cast of The Greatest Showman

Fendi Jacket from Will & Grace

Will & Grace Christmas Episode ©Chris Haston/NBC

Riverdale ©Diyah Pera/The CW

Scene from The Handmaid’s Tale ©Hulu

Costumes from The Handmaid’s Tale ©Chris Chapman

Schitt’s Creek

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Faves From 2017 (It Wasn’t Completely Terrible!) Before throwing last year into the mental trash bin and letting ourselves get lost in looking forward, I thought it'd be good to stop and reflect on the things in 2017 that weren't terrible.