#because sometimes things seem dark and hopless but they will get better

[goodbyestory]

16th February 2020

A message I wrote to Rebecca almost two years ago

Part 1/2

“Sometimes when I'm sad I get this aching feeling in my chest and it honestly feels like the worst thing ever. I genuinely feel like for the past few weeks that feeling hasn't gone. The pain is constant. No matter what I'm doing, no matter who I'm with the pain is always there. And I just don't know why. Which makes it even worse. I feel like I have no reason to be upset but I have every single reason to be upset. It doesn't make sense. It's like I deserve to be where I am just now but then I also dont. I know that doesn't make much sense and that pretty much sums up my entire life. I recently read a blog post I had written 5 years ago. To sum up, I wanted to kill myself 5 years ago. 5 years later absolutely nothing has changed. And it's for the exact same reasons. I'm absolutely worthless. And that says something. So much has changed in the past 5 years, I've changed so much and yet I'm still not good enough for anyone. And I don't want any bullshit about how people do care about me. Because let's be honest, they dont. I'm a burden to my family, my friends have better choices, I'm to awkward and ugly to have even a romantic interest. How pathetic. I'm 23 and don't have a boyfriend. Oh my god I'm 23. I'm 23 and I sound like a fucking whiny 16 year old. Before I was a teenager I remember thinking about what my life would be when I was in my 20s. That vision is so different compared to reality. It's like, someone read my 12 year olds mind and decided "hah! Let's give her the opposite". My entire life has been a joke. I've always hated myself. I've done shameful things, thought awful thoughts. I'm such a coward. I'm such a liar. I pretend everything is okay. I pretend that I'm happy. I put on a smile, I laugh like everything's funny when deep down I want to scream. The worst part is that I have no one to talk to. I've never told anyone about this before because I know whoever reads it will think "God she needs to man up" and then send me some bullshit response like "I'm here for you". And the reason for that is because I'm a burden. Partly my fault. I don't trust people. Never have. I want to open up to people and tell them everything but what if they used it against me? What if they laugh? I remember one time I started opening up but then I closed because I could feel myself cringing for myself and how stupid it sounded because no-one was going to help me. So I started acting awkward and covered it up which probably looked stupid. There are only three people that know about the time i had suicidal thoughts but they have no idea that I still have them. I feel so broken. Whenever I'm at my lowest I try and think about all the good things to come in life. That was okay when I was in high school or even when I first started these dark periods but now it's hopless. I think about my future and as much as I wish everything I want to come true there's absolutely no hope. I keep failing. I failed so many times. And even though they might seem like small failures and that I got back up and kept on going, I've had enough of being pushed down and having to fight to the point of exhaustion to get even just a smidge of what I want. I've been fighting for so long now just to survive. Survive what? This pathetic excuse for a life I have. What's the point wasting space? I consume food, air, money and people's time. Things that could be well spent on other people. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm disgusted. I see a girl who doesn't deserve love. She's not beautiful. She doesn't deserve anything. I'm a burden. No one deserves having to listen to my problems when they have their own. Sometimes i write out everything that's going on in my head and then just delete the message. Mental health has become such a big thing now and I see these people speaking up about their mental health issue…

[dachi-chan25]

January 2020 Wrap Up

I got back on track this month. Sadly this was not a good reading month, I didn't like or was pretty meh about a lot of this books so I did a massive unhaul this month to ensure I'll read books I am intrested in and want to read.

1.- Shadow Scale (Seraphina #2) - Rachel Hartman

🌟🌟🌟

I was so disappointed! I loved the 1st book so much, it had an amazing intresting world and politics but that got thrown out of the window in this one, the characters seem to even forget their relationships with each other and the villian is just badly constructed, the ending feels rushed and unsatisfactory, I just gave it 3 stars cuz i couldn't bear to give less stars to a world and characters I actually like.

2.- Heroes -Stephen Fry

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

I always love to re-read greek myths, and Stephen Fry makes really funny commentary and narrative decisions when it comes to his adaptations. It was a very enjoyable read.

3.- Love from A to Z - S.K Ali

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

I don't read much romance cuz a LOT of romance authors construct relationships I am not intrested in, but THIS. It was amazing, the way both characters saw the world was beautiful, all that pride for Muslim culture and the fight against islamophobia felt actual and relevant, I really liked both characters, and the way their relationship develops felt fitting to their personalities and ages and that is something that is so rare to find. I really recc this one.

4.- Once Upon a Burning Throne - Ashok K. Banker

🌟🌟🌟

So I really liked the beginning of the book, it had a super intresting premise and intresting characters along with high political stakes, but the conflict you get presented at the beginning never get a pay off, and it goes around many characters and plots that made me a bit confused so idk the ending was strong and I know it's a series but I don't think I am intrested in reading the rest cuz this one was pretty confusing for me.

5.- All the Crooked Saints - Maggie Stiefvater

🌟🌟

Sadly I think Maggie Stiefvater is not the author for me, I tried to get into Raven Boys but didn't liked it. I find her writing and characters to be a bit superficial, very aesthetic and quirky but ultimately completley one dimensional, the metaphors she uses make no sense, I do like when an author spices things up with the flow of their sentences and the words the use but Maggie Stiefvater's prose it's just too much for me.

6.- The Girl who Played with Fire (Millenium #2) - Stieg Larsson

🌟🌟🌟🌟

This is my first re-read of this book. I really liked this series when I 1st read them, but I found some stupid stuff that made me roll my eyes so hard cuz male authors writing woman sometimes lead to cringey stuff. Lisbeth Salander has always been one of my favorite characters, but she is very different in this book, I love the fact we get to see more of her past, that she has vulnerability but also she is so heavily coded as masculine that it exasperates me also LOL about every woman wanting to fuck Mikael, I have some amazing memories of this series (the 1st one is superior in every aspect imho) and I still love them but yeah I was a much different person and I like to critizise even the things that I like.

7.- North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

I just love this book so much, the intricacies of industry and of the fair treatment of the workers, the differences of a life in a City vs life on the countryside in the middle of the Industrial Revolution. This book is so intelligent and layered. The characters are well defined and they develop so well. The romance!!! I just love it.

8.- Paper Tigers - Damien Angelica Walters

🌟🌟🌟

I was loving this book at the beginning, such an intresting concept, to have a possesed photo álbum, and to have a disabled protagonist dealing with her appereance and going out again it was hard hitting, I know this is horror but the ending broke my heart, it made me feel hopless and sad especially when the protagonist had already developed SO much it didn't felt like a victory even when the book tries to present it in that way.

9.- Morning Star (Red Rising #3) - Pierce Brown

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Favorite read of the month!!! This book was a rollercoaster, it had me at the edge of my seat all the time, I love the Red Rising series and this book its a perfect conclusion for this amazing story (I know there are still 2 books but idk if Darrow is the main character on those cuz his story and arc could very well end in this book) it was so satisfying and hopeful. This is what an ending should be.

10.- Black House (The Talisman #2) -Stephen King/ Peter Straub

🌟🌟🌟

I was so excited about reading this one because I loved the Talisman so much, but this book was HARD to get through. It needed some serious editing. Like it didn't feel like a sequel for the first 100 pages or so cuz we don't get to see Jake up until that point, and there is waaaaay to much unnecesary exposition that took away from the suspenseful stuff, also it was kinda repetitive and that annoyed me. Gosh I know lots of people say this particular era on SK writing career was bad, and they not lying, I just can't connect like I did before (though I know it gets better cuz his recent books are good)

11.- China's Rich Girlfriend (Crazy Rich Asians #2) - Kevin Kwan

🌟🌟🌟

I mean it was ok, like some things get resolved, so plot wise we do get a development and I dare say some characters do develop. Tbh I don't take these too seriously they are just outrageous and dramatic, I have fun reading them and I am wondering how some of the plots will translate into the movie .

12.- The Revisioners - Margaret Wilkerson Sexton

🌟🌟🌟🌟

Magical Realism is my jam, I really enjoyed this one, though the ending was kinda meh and I feel the magical aspect could have been given more significance. The story was beautiful and impactful.

13.- Scarlett (Lunar Chronicles #2) Marissa Meyer

🌟🌟

I did find this book more enjoyable than Cinder, and the concept of fairytales in space seems wonderful to me, but I just think they are too juvenile for me, like i know if I had read them when I was younger I would have loved them but now I just go my my through the book hoping for more complexity and so I decided not to read them anymore cuz it's not fair for me to judge books that are definitely not directed towards me.

14.- Dark Reunion (Vampire Diaries #4) - L.J Smith

🌟🌟🌟

I am reading these cuz I wanted to know just how different they were from the TV series (the answer is VERY) and they are really enjoyable, they have this dark atmospheric tone but are still super campy and cliché but not so much that it's unbearable, idk I just really like to read them and they are so short it's super motivating knowing I can just relax reading one of these.

15- Vengeful (Villians #2) - V. E Schwab

🌟🌟🌟🌟

I just love the characters and the world so much!!!!! I need more books of this universe cuz it really gives for so much more.

16.- Puddin' (Dumplin' #2) - Julie Murphy

🌟🌟🌟 🌟

These books are so cute. Honestly no shade to Willowdean but I liked this book much more than the 1st and I loved that we had Millie and Callie as protagonists, their friendship was great and I just really liked this book so much I hope it gets a movie too.

17.- Suspicious Minds - Gwenda Bond

🌟🌟

I liked some stuff but honestly I couldn't help but think of a book that have a similar concept but it's way better (Firestarter) and I guess that's what happens when you rely on a concept that has already been succesful. Like it's pretty clear this was written to get money out of Stranger Things fans and that doesn't sit to well with me,

[blacksoul122]

venting

next weekend is the anniversary. and i am not doing that well. i am getting physically ill and just mentally unstable right now. i want to hurt myself i want to run and hide. i wont actually do any of that because ive come this far and i dont want to relapse and go back to the hospital but it feels like that could happen. i keep having flashbacks and depressed mood swings and just overall anxiety. this is just harder than i thought it would be. i know this next few weeks are going to be hell for me. i dont want to show my face anywhere right now and i dont want to even be alive right now either. i just neeeded to come on here and vent it out. i know none of my friends can understand how im feeling so i wont talk about it with them because i just feel like a burden. i need time to do some self care and try not to have another mental breakdown or go into a manic state again. im really scared im going to have a relapse. i just dont know what to expect. its putting a lot of stress on me right now too. im trying to hide it best i can so my co-workers and boss and family dont notice it. but it definately is eating away at me. i dont want to eat anymore and i hardly get out of bed and im trying to make it to the gym to work it out but thats getting hard to do too. i just hope i can make it through the next few weeks.i also feel like im going to start smoking again either cigs or weed or both which i havent done in months because i need to drownd out this pain. i know its not good for me but i dont care right now. i just want to numb it all out. theres too much going on for me to handle. i dont even think i can cry about it either. im just full of rage and sadness and anxiety and i cant do anything about it but ride it out. i guess im doing soemthing about it by writing this (typing) this all out instead of bottling it all up but still. i really just need to fill the void. because it seems to be growing right now and i want it to stop. sometimes i feel like im going backwards instead of fowards and just getting dragged down by my mental illnesses and just life in general. sometimes i dont feel like happiness is meant for me. like its not planned for me in this life time. i might have had it in the past but ive lost it and i dont know how to get it back. im too far on the dark side to recieve any light. theres just barley enough for me to see the other side and i cling on to that every day but some days the darkness consumes me and i cant get out. i feeel hopless and tired of fighting all the time. i feel like ive had time to think about everything that has happened to me and it just keeps replaying over and over again. i have major trust issues that i want to break out of but how can i when someone took advantage of me so badly has had this effect on me. i cant ever get his face out of my head and i just want to make him suffer. i want to make him pay for what he did. i dont feel like i got enough justice for what he did. i got some but not enough.it will never be enough for me and thats whats the worst part. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i never went over to see him. i wonder if i would be happier or if something like this would still have happened to me. like the universe just has a way of having terrible things happening to me. what is it about me that attracts horrible things. it has taken over my life in ways i never expected it to. im scared ill never be able to trust anyone again. im scared of fututre relationships. im scared of it happening again. i dont feel like im worth anything to anyone and that hurts a lot. i want to mean something to someone. i want to be someones world. i want to have someone to be afraid to lose me. i want someone to fight for me and cherish every moment with me.i just know im not going to find that anytime soon and that hurts. im scared that if they ever find out that im bipolar or have been raped that they wont want me. because im damaged goods. im a broken person. i need someone to see beauty in me where i cannot. its hard to find those guys these days. i just want things to get better and this whole anniversary coming up is not helping me out what so ever. im trying my best to keep it all together but i dont think i can.

[eternally-numb]

I know you don’t question my love.. I know you question my decisions, i hope you know time makes a difference, now a days i gotta sometimes congratulate how I’m living.. Open eyes, seeing in new precision, i remember who was there & who was plotting, most were opposition trying to ruin the vision.. I got goals that most couldn’t dream.. I got me, myself & I.. The most dedicated team, let me see who is feeling me, when i got black on black with my eyes set on the scene, you already know you got a spot before i seem like I’m on some solo shit my whole heart can be your residence.. Baby, maybe life is just happier when you believe in redemption & shit, cause i was hopless & you already know this shit & truth be told I’m better & for that i just wanna do extra to make you notice.. Nevermind, maybe I’m entirely not there with that thing of being hopeless, but it’s only with you.. Because i always feel like i got something to prove, that has nothing to do with you.. I’m just always in a mood, trust issues, another thing you seen for yourself I’m just venting for my health.. Maybe, time will tell I’m just high but i mean this shit, 4 a.m thoughts drowned out daily, psychopathic characteristics, maybe..but no way type of crazy cannibalistic cry baby but most people make me seem this way, just cause my reoccurring thoughts that tend to be a little quite too dark but look at where my life had to start, but self building is key & i gotta get the lock you see? One day , on the coast in the whip beside you.. Telling you What's real & i can provide you , like a tour guide to the map, pin point exact location type lock in that, no such thing as wrong routes, trust me i got you I’m not the one to lie.. It’s just how i am ,I’m myself & i still don’t understand these paranoid hypothesis.. But all i want you to do is grab my hand & let the rest be a surprise till then..