#because she needs her more casual glam! but the armor!

[lavampira]

the radiant casting gear meshes with alia’s armored drk style a little too well for what I was expecting just messing around in gpose and now I think I need to clear a spot for a second smn glam and do some hunts to actually get it :o)

[ennagreyashe-rush]

Enna Greyashe: A Visual Timeline

I put this together earlier thanks to my ADHD! It's a visual timeline of how Enna grows and changes throughout the story ahead of her. I may currently only be in ARR in my fanfic but I got ideas through EW and beyond for it! Glam Pieces named in Alt Descriptions!

Spoilers for multiple expansions of FFXIV, especially Stormblood, Shadowbringers, and Endwalker. As well as spoilers for the Greyashe Chronicles and some of the plans I have for Enna.

First up: A Realm Reborn and Heavensward. Enna begins her journey as a Paladin after she awakes from Louisoix's teleportation spell in the wake of Bahamut's destruction. She leaves behind the way of the thaumaturge and the Black Mage, having lost all of her friends because she could not protect them. During the time between Operation Archon and the Banquet, Enna is pulled into Dragoon training. During her time in Ishgard, she develops a relationship with Haurchefant and picks up another soul stone in the Brume that starts causing some issues for Enna.

Stormblood: In Stormblood, Enna is wrestling with a couple of different ideas and feelings. One of her mothers was Ala Mhigan, but emigrated to Ul'dah years before the occupation led by Gaius van Baelsar. After reuniting with a cousin, Enna starts to wear her hair in a traditional Ala Mhigan style. She wields Haurchefant's sword and a House Fortemps shield in his honor, still deeply grieving his loss, amongst others. During her time dealing with the Gobbie Illuminati, she found a new chest piece to use (Midan Chest Piece of Fending), but keeps the rest of her outfit mostly the same. Her gloves also change (Eastern Errant Lady's Gloves). She and Lyse both get the same earrings from Tataru.

Stormblood: During the celebration of the liberation of Ala Mhigo, Enna adopts a more casual outfit so she can dance some traditional dances with Lyse and Arenvald and some others. It's the first moment she lets herself breathe in a long time, though she still feels the ghosts of all those she's lost or killed haunting her. Especially the image of Zenos in the Royal Menagerie.

Shadowbringers: During the months between the liberation of Doma and Ala Mhigo and her arrival on the First, Enna descends into her inner darkness. When she loses all those she had found dear to her, especially her burgeoning friendship with Urianger, Enna closes off to everyone and throws herself into the war effort in the Ghimlyt Dark. Fray occasionally takes over for her when she's too tired, though she does try to fight them off.

Shadowbringers: When she wakes up after taking out Vauthry, Enna finds herself greatly changed. One of her eyes is paler and losing vision, she is wracked with constant pain that had been growing since beginning her absorption of the Lightwardens, her hair has started turning white, and her skin is drying in certain areas. She also is seeing some strange visions of a woman who looks...eerily similar to her. Fray and Esteem are constantly in her ear during this time and trying their best to help keep her aether together.

Shadowbringers Patches: Upon the defeat of Emet-Selch and the returning of the night officially to Norvrandt, Enna shears her hair short. For her, it is an outward sign of her getting rid of some of her burdens as well as ridding herself of the last major outward sign that she almost was lost. Enna still retains some eye pigmentation change: her right eye has a rim of gold that just won't leave until she offers herself as a test subject to Alisaie and Beq Lugg. She receives some new armor from Feo Ul and the Crystarium as thanks for all she had done. Upon their return to the Source, the Scions sit her down and force her to take a step back from the frontlines for a bit. They also convince her to look into her other forms of combat as she does not need to be the sole protector now that Thancred has picked up the Gunblade and G'raha has joined them.

Shadowbringers 5.5 and Endwalker: Enna picks up her dancing tathlums again and learns the Totentanz during the months they wait to hear more about the Telophoroi and from Krile. Dancing was something she always loved but never knew she could turn into combat. Her journey learning from the Dancer soulstone she receives finally helps her accept the pain of being separated from her family and embracing her found family fully and completely. Though...she still waits to tell Urianger anything of her true feelings for him until they're coming back from Ultima Thule on the Ragnarok.

Post Endwalker: The Loporrits and Tataru work together to make new gear for Enna. She picks up her BLM staff again and devotes herself to learning the study now that she has mastered Dancer. She also gets a visit from Jandelaine while she's recovering in Sharlayan and he gives her hasty grown out haircut some flair.

There are some more looks I forgot to add in, but these are the basic ones. Hope you enjoy this glimpse into Enna and her journey and I can't wait to get myself back into writing!

[pangolinheart]

I’m partially using this as an excuse to let out these ideas that have been pinging around my brain

I tend to keep certain things in mind when coming with outfits/glams for my characters, so this is all just nonsense about what fashion tastes I assign to them

Tyr is more understated. He doesn’t like calling attention to himself and it’s reflected in what he wears. Casually I put him in something more for fitted but not revealing or just what I feel like is the fantasy fashion equivalent of a nice t shirt. The shirt I tend to doodle him in is deadass just a rip of that shirt from the Netflix witcher where Geralt is fishing around in the lake. The dalmascan top is more of a workout shirt/ “it’s really hot out here but I don’t want to be bare chested” top.His armor got a little more ornate as he’s gotten through expacs, but I still try to keep it simple and with more plate than fabric.

The operative word for Monroe is loose. Point shirts, long jackets, that sort of thing. She gets more accessories/ jewelry. I tend to giver her silver/black more than gold since she’s got a lot of warm tones going on already and silver and a colder black/gray stands out more. More willing to show skin than Tyr, mostly in the chest area than anywhere else. She’s predominantly ranged so there’s not much difference between casual and armor.

Both of them lean more masculine for fashion, so skirts/ dresses are not really in their usual attires/ in their comfort.

Freya is the most feminine. She wears mostly skirts/dresses. She not like opposed to pants, but it’s more of “if there’s no other choice” option. Also has a preference for loose. I would describe her taste as cottagecore/elegant. I personally don’t dress in her degree of feminine so it’s a little harder to pick out for me.

Kuzhuk is the least caring about his fashion. All he wants is for it to fit and not be restrictive. He doesn’t wear a shirt or many accessories. Not opposed to skirts, he just doesn’t think about them much.

Oooooh I love fashion analysis!! Poor Tyr already stands out in Eorzea, so I'm sure he doesn't need to attract more attention by being a flashy dresser. Tyr definitely feels like, in a more modern setting, he would be a "Jeans and a T-shirt" guy - in a good way. (Though horns might make putting on a t-shirt problematic...) I think the shirt you mentioned is a good fantasy equivalent - and it seems like it clasps or button or laces or something to make it easier to put on.

There are a pretty good number of secondary and tertiary characters in FFXIV that are always seen wearing armor or otherwise uncomfortable formal clothing that they probably don't wear all the time, and I semi-regularly wonder what they wear in their free time when they're not wearing armor or a uniform....

Monroe has good taste I looove some of the long jackets in FFXIV. The fact that a lot of her accessories are silver is an interesting choice! I feel like some people might go with gold because it's closer to the warm tones in her color scheme, but I like the way the silver pops. I've also always liked all of Monroe's piercings. Long Viera ears means there are soooo many possibilities for piercings!

Freya definitely looks like she could pull off flowy, drape-y, feminine dresses dresses and skirts! (She's lucky she's a viera and therefore tall lol). The options in-game for actual dresses is a little limited, but I can envision it very well nonetheless.

Kuzhuk is valid for never wanting to wear a shirt. Hopefully he doesn't get sunburned.... Sunburn is also something I think about a lot in-game/in fantasy settings in general. Probably because I'm the type of person who gets a sunburn if they so much as glance at the sun through a window. It's bad enough that when I was in elementary school some other kids started a rumor that i was a vampire because if I spent too much time in the sun at recess i would get a sun poisoning rash... Kuzhuk seems like he's probably better equipped to deal with it, though!

[cherylblossomfashionanaylsis]

1x05 Chapter Five: Heart of Darkness

Hello and welcome back! Hope you’re all ready to talk Cheryl and fashion cause I am! We’ve got a lot of outfits in this episode so grab some coffee and enjoy.

We start with this haunting scene where Cheryl looks rather creepy and our first candelabra appearance (do we need a count? lmao). Candles and fire are a definite Cheryl motif obviously relating to red and cheryl’s fierceness and strength. 

Here’s a closer look, her makeup is very dark in this scene, which definitely tells us it is a dream. Her only accessory is her candelabra with this gorgeous red gown, somewhere in between a ball gown and a night gown (something we see Cheryl in often, this weird hybrid dress).

Here’s another look at the outfit from the costume designer- Rebekka’s instagram (@7sistersnorway), who is amazing! Cheryl is wearing her black fluffy heeled sandals that she’ll wear later in the episode. 

And she wakes up! Into another pajama outfit. This one is mostly all black, an obvious connection to her dreaming about Jason and being in his room. It’s all black minus her giant red heart & cherry? brooch. I don’t love this one, it’s so big! But Cheryl is dramatic and it almost seems a symbol of a broken heart which is relevant. She’s also wearing black crystal stud earrings and a black choker.

This is the full outfit, it’s gorgeous and sexy and dramatic. Perfect Cheryl. She has on her black floral velvet robe that she wears throughout the show and a black nightgown maybe with lace trims. She also has on those black fluffy heeled sandals again. Those are like literally my dream ‘float around the house in silky robes’ shoes. Love. 

No pajamas this time! But instead this GORGEOUS short sleeve black tight dress with a burgundy 3D flower collar. So yummy, so Cheryl. I’m obsessed with this dress. She’s paired it with a black belt that appears to have gold lining and a gold buckle. She also has a black crossbody which I believe is the backpack she wore in the pilot turned to the purse form. It’s definitely confirmed to be cold as she is wearing tights and adorable burgundy velvet ankle sock booties, super cute and the perfect shoe for this outfit.

Here are more close ups of the outfit and you can see how well all of the pieces work together. Her other accessories are pink bow earrings and a gold double layered bangle bracelet. The purse looks like it has a purple/burgundy lining on the strap which is really nice and ties in well. This is one of those episodes where Cheryl wears lots of black and dark tones. She is in mourning again as Jason’s funeral is coming up.

A closer look at her adorable earrings that scream Betty to me but alas, they’re very cute. Also you can see the amazing and gorgeous detail of that collar. 

She only briefly wears this outfit but WOW. She looks so amazing! This dark green color is literally perfect on her and coincides with her other dark clothing of the episode. I love that when they put in her other colors it tends to be jewel tones to keep the theming going. It’s fantastic. The dress has lace at the top and a high neck. She has added a black belt and this circle brooch with gold and ruby. Her earrings appear to be black ball shaped ones similar in shape to ones she wore in 1x04. 

I find this scene to be kind of funny. She seems to be wearing a low cut t-shirt dress in a black or dark green color. But, it just feels casual for an intense family dinner at the Blossom household. Nonetheless, it’s super cute and different for Cheryl! I like. She is wearing the same brooch she had on with the emerald green dress so we get a better look at it. Her earrings are black crystal studs.

I love the sleeves on the dress as you can see her, they’re so interesting. It’s hard to see but she has on a bracelet and her criss cross ring as well. Not much more to say other than she is continuing the dark toned theme.

And back to pajamas! Similar to the all black one but different and cute. She has on the same kimono but we can see more detail of it here. This time she has paired it with a silky deep red lace trimmed nightgown. So glam. She also has on the same black choker. I hope she doesn’t sleep in this choker cause that sounds uncomfortable af but to each their own.

She has on the black crystal ear jackets she’s worn before. I love that she has worn almost everything in this outfit before, nice realism! She is still wearing heavy black and dark colors but her red is getting a little bit brighter, maybe because she has someone like Veronica by her side. 

She has on the fluffy heels again, yay! The perfect end to this perfect outfit. 

This is what Cheryl was originally going to wear to Jason’s funeral, complete with the black fishnet veil/headband she wore in 1x02. I, um, don’t really know what’s going on with that dress but I’m kinda glad she didn’t wear it. Haha. Anyways, she has on black crystal stud earrings, a ring, and this nice black bracelet. And Veronica by her side being a lovely friend. No need to explain symbolism, it’s a funeral after all.

And yeah! What she actually wore to the funeral. I don’t need to remind you all the significance of this dress and it’s connection to Jason. This moment was iconic and very Cheryl. I feel like her biggest most iconic moments seem to be paired with all white outfits (aka burning down her house, we’ll get back to that later). 

I love the addition of the white fishnet veil/headband that seems to be the same or very similar to the black one.

Here you can really see the detail of the fabric of the dress, so lovely. I love the innocence she portrays in this dress and the stark contrast from her evil mother in this picture. 

The final outfit. She’s got her armor back on, aka her ribbed leather jacket. She also is wearing her red spider brooch and crystal ear jackets. I’m not 100% sure about her outfit but it possibly a dark red maxi dress, it’s really hard to tell.

Lastly, she has on her gold open choker that I associate as her armor as well. It’s perfect for this scene as she realizes she needs to protect herself from the rest of her family. She lost her person and is now alone.

Outfit Total: 9! (Including the white again as it is a different occasion). 

Brooch Count: 1 large heart/cherry thing. 2 gold/ruby circle. 1 red spider. So 4 in total!

Favorite Outfit: Ahhhh I think it’s a tie between the 3D flower dress and the dark green lace dress.

[yekaterina-velikaya]

Character Design for Narrative

Learning from RWBY’s mistakes

RWBY’s character designs are bad, strap yourself in and I’ll tell you why!

This is going to be only about the main 4 girls, Ruby, Yang, Weiss, and Blake, cause no one has time to talk about every character in this show, and its gonna just be broad strokes about what design should tell you and how to use it to expand the narrative and how rwby fails at it.

RWBY’s character designs are bad because they don’t tell you shit about the character, they don’t match each other, and they don’t match the plot.

The biggest issues is that their character designs have no character, they are all just wearing whatever the designer thought would look “nice” regardless of who they are. Ruby herself is not a girly person, she doesn’t even like girly things, unless you want to count that one scene with the corgi, but then she mocks Jaune for his bunny shirt, so I think it cancels out. She likes weapons, she listens to rock music, she is lazy, naive, childish, and over all just nice, I guess? But does she DRESS like any of that stuff? NOPE. What about her lazy goth lolita aesthetic reads ANY of that??? Are goth loli’s nice? They be goth so, NICE not the first thing that comes to mind. Rock music maybe? But nothing about her look screams that she likes weapons, or that she is lazy, or childish or fucking anything! She was designed BEFORE they wrote her character, or the plot, and it SHOWS. It shows because what about ruby the person would wear this shit??? There was a joke about “combat skirts” but that’s all it was, a JOKE. YES it makes sense for Ruby to want a lot of mobility since she does have a speed semblance after all but there are SO MANY BETTER WAYS TO DO THIS then a goddamn “combat skirt”. And then the volume 4,5 design is just more of the same shit.

Weiss looks fine. She is a rich bitch with daddy issues and so she dresses just like that, so, hey, that worked out. 10/10.

Yang is next best dressed but only in that she is wearing clothes that a real girl might actually wear to go out. But the outfit itself is kinda ugly cause like… why the poofy sleeves in volumes 1-3? They cant 3D model them so why HAVE THEM? Volume 4,5 is an improvement but.. the side flaps???? WHY???? Notice how the animators keep removing them when they actually need to have her do something cause even they know it looks bad. What is her personality when you look at her anyway?  She’s supposed to be a “party girl” so like, shouldn’t she be more trendy? More flirty (having tig o’l bitties doesn't automatically make you flirty)? Or SOMETHING? I guess… vague “biker” look MAYBE?? She rides a motorcycle so there is that. You know what she should look like? STRONG. She has a power accumulation semblance for god’s sake! Like her look like she could wreck you! I’ll give you that she does looks confident, which is at least a personality trait that she has, too bad the narrative didn’t give two personality traits to rub together  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And Blake… poor Blake… what a mess. She’s the most incoherent overall. So like, she is a “coward” even tho she is the most confrontational of the girls, she likes reading, aaaaaaaand…. Is a furry?? (which doesn’t count as a character trait, FYI) What about her appearance/body language says any of that? In the plot she is on the run, right? Wearing the exact same bow and clothes and using her real name… while on the run… There was a fan theory that Blake was an orphan and that she was raised by the White Fang since she was a kid, so people thought she was poor, which would have been good and all, but she dresses… idk, classy casual? Cheap glam goth? IDK, there is no look to describe it. But then we learn she actually is daughter of the village chief, so like… she is wealthy? Guess that gives them an excuse to put her in the thigh-high Gucci boots, but does no favors for her narrative. But basically, NOTHING about her look tells you ANY OF THAT, cause she doesn’t look like anything.

All these girls don’t even match each other. They are color coded but Ruby wears so little red without the cape. Weiss is ok cause she wears all white basically. Blake wears a lot of white for someone color coded black, and even more white in volume 4,5. Yang at least is the only one NOT monochrome since she gets to wear brown, and gold, and orange. I know they want to retcon blue into Weiss and Purple into Blake cause they realized Ruby wears more black then Blake, but it’s a little late for that guys. And stop forgetting that skin color is part of their color palette. Ruby and Weiss both wear dresses, but they aint going to the same party. Weiss and Blake both have a vague “classy” look going I guess. Ruby and Yang don’t look like they would even be friends with each other let alone be sisters. And for that matter, Yang doesn’t fit in AT ALL, cause she is the only one not dressed glam. Too bad glam is just the DUMBEST SHIT to wear for combat. Good o’l plot armor aura hahaha….

Don’t even get me started on how they don’t dress for what regions they are from in canon too…

Look, I get this is some shitty fantasy show on YouTube, but that doesn’t mean it’s free of criticism, and even more so because they charge people money to see it, and make merch, and is made by a multi-million dollar entertainment company. All of these girls were drawn before they were given personalities, and they were all drawn before the plot was written, they were drawn before they decided the aesthetic of the kingdoms, and that the seasonal maidens exist, and before that “silver eyed warriors” trash. AND IT SHOWS.

Character should be IMMEDIATELY noticeable when looking at a design, if not, you have failed. It’s not about being drawn well, but DESIGNED well. Will you know their whole goddamn back story just from a look, no, but you should be able to guess SOMETHING about it from look alone. If you look at a character and can’t even guess more than 1 trait about them THAT’S YOUR BRAIN TELLING YOU IT’S A BORING DESIGN. If the characters look boring, and ARE boring, there is no reason to care about them.

tldr:

Good characters can carry a bad plot, but a good plot won’t make you care about bad characters.  

[drewkatchen]

Every so often I pull out this little drawing of my dad.

It’s something I made one afternoon when I was a kid. Just some lines from a Bic pen and clearly nothing fancy, but it’s become something of a historical document now, depicting a moment just before a seismic shift uprooted us all. Were it a cartoon, a gigantic storm cloud would be moving in from the east to engulf my family.

I’ve never been great about holding onto things, but somehow this has stuck around.

There aren’t many pictures I have of him -- even fewer are pictures of us together -- and while this isn’t a picture taken with a camera, it’s perhaps the most vivid image I have of my dad. I look at it, like I do sometimes before Father’s Day, and I know the who and where. In a way it works against what items of nostalgia are supposed to do: It doesn’t remind me of the good times or times when life was simpler, so it’s funny I hold onto it at all. When I look at it, I notice I didn’t draw myself into the picture, which maybe is curious, and maybe even then I saw him from a remove, as someone I was studying rather than a man I saw as my patriarch. What the drawing does remind me of is times yes, but times of dissolution and a distinct fraying of the family bond and of my utter lack of control over anything happening to me. All that from one little line drawing. Perhaps that’s why I keep it -- a little anchor to remind me I’ve lived many lives with many different people in many places. Perhaps I keep it because to throw it out wouldn’t make sense, but to keep it doesn’t really either. 

It used to sit in a cheap frame on a bookshelf in my grandmother’s home. As I grew up, the picture stayed in the guest room, and on visits I would study it before turning out the lights at night. Who was that guy I drew and where did he go? Who was the kid who made it? Where did he go?

Now I have it in a Ziploc bag, in a drawer in my apartment, so it’s not always visible, a fact speaking as much to my lack of initiative to get it properly framed as it does to maybe my unwillingness to get it framed. It’s slightly yellowed in the middle because no glass covered the paper. I remember that moment in time well...or at least I have a snapshot in my mind, no doubt solidified because of this rudimentary sketch. In the early 1980s, my dad was either living back in my grandmother’s home or spending a lot of time nursing his wounds there after my parents divorced. I remember in that instance he was on the shag-carpeted floor with his back propped up on a chair, watching a small black and white TV, probably Star Trek, which was one of his favorites. His mustache still in full, bristly glory and his tired eyes telling the story.

Did he know in the moment I was drawing him? Does he remember it happening? Does he ever reflect on it?

---

There were good times after the divorce to be sure. We saw a lot of movies, went to record stores and water parks, anything to keep a smile on my face. Sometimes we went alone and sometimes my friend Matt came with us, and if I were unlucky, Uncle David tagged along, lodging complaints the entire time. Always willing to indulge my junk culture fondness, my dad once took me to a midnight screening of Rocky Horror at a central New Jersey mall. I’m sure it was because he knew my mom wouldn’t approve, but what did he care? She was off planning a wedding with someone new. It was a cool secret we shared.

I had to beg for it a bit, but I drank up the experience once inside the dank theater; I was a tiny cultural anthropologist trying to vibe on something far above my head. This was in the mid-1980s, which was way way before I needed to be taking in Tim Curry’s uproarious, sloppy camp and Susan Sarandon dressed provocatively in just underwear. It was the classic suburban Rocky Horror scenario: High school kids down near the screen acting it out and their friends in the audience dressed up and aching to throw toilet paper and rice on cue. What it lacked in finesse, it made up for in pure heart.

“Is it scary?,” I remember asking two cute girls in front of me. They simply gave my dad a quizzical glance, giggled and said I would be fine.

During the pool scene, one of the live actresses suffered a wardrobe malfunction where her breast popped out for a quick second, but that was long enough for my world to shift. My dad looked over at me casually and said “Just don’t tell your mom.” That was him in a nutshell, not prudish and maybe a bit oblivious. We didn’t have baseball practices or sports in common, but we had movies and records.

I don’t need the drawing to remember stuff like that, but inevitably when I do take a look, that is the stuff I see.

With the picture itself, I was just doing what kids do, drawing and keeping myself amused as the adults were left to pick up the pieces after life got complicated. What’s notable about the drawing is I was never good at it, but somehow in a few crude lines I managed to capture my dad’s look as it were. I remember my grandmother loving it in that smothering love kind of way but also remarking to my dad how strange it was that this pen drawing by his kid looked so much like him. All these years later I find it so odd that I put my name atop the drawing and that I didn’t write ‘Dad.’ Was I trying to sign it as if I were a real artist? At the age of four, did I even know artists did that? Regardless, my grandmother snatched it up quickly, put some cheap plastic around it and there it remained until she died and I brought it back to my home.

This is one of the things I consider as Father’s Day rolls around every year.

But this year I’ve decided to make a change.

---

This month, I’ve been bombarded by companies that have cooked up some curious ways to make a fast buck off Father’s Day, a day that still doesn’t seem to get even a fraction of the interest that Mother’s Day generates. I’ve received numerous emails from Etsy, an independent movie chain announcing a special screening of ‘A Hard Day’s Night’ for pops and a massage place telling me to purchase the ‘Father’s Day package.’ ‘Only a few days remain to take advantage of this great Father's Day deal!,’ the ad tells me; total cost is a mere $375. This morning on the train I even saw some type of ad encouraging me to send dad steaks. Another email from a tech wholesaler cheerfully tells me in the subject of an email that drones are part of their ‘Popular Father’s Day Specials.’ And so on. I can pass off these base attempts at getting me to open my wallet, but there’s still something about that drawing that gets me, even after thirty-plus years. 

There’s never been an easy way to summarize my Faulknerian family history and my feelings about it. Yes, there was divorce and new parental figures and many moves, but it’s all more than that. There was something just fundamentally wrong with the people chosen to be my actual parents, like in the way my mom would viscerally froth to me how the agreed-upon child support check wasn’t enough or how my dad was a mama’s boy, calling my grandmother each night when he got home from work. I can see it all in a panorama, the totality of growing up. It was a lamp always broken or a car missing an engine. The three of us together were never meant to light up a room or get down the road together. And so we didn’t. My dad, a nice person with very little strength, has always been on the horizon line of my life, supportive, sometimes wise but also crushingly thoughtless all in one stroke and always at a comfortable remove. And then as I got older he just kept receding, until I could look at the horizon and no longer see or feel him there. 

Now he’s just this drawing on an old piece of manila paper.

But, here’s the thing...it’s not the only drawing I have. Duh.

This story wouldn’t be complete without an oil painting, this time of me, from a mall. Its vintage dating back to 1985 and man did I have a lot of hair back then. By this time, I lived in Virginia Beach with my mom and stepdad, and while on a visit, my dad brought me to a mall (malls were a placid constant in my young life) and had one of those caricaturists draw this of me. I look so thrilled. Perhaps he considered the drawing I made of him, and he intended for this to sit next to it at my grandparents’ home. Turns out, my grandmother eventually placed it in her den, just in her periphery as she watched television or read. While I appreciate that, I can’t see how my bummed out face ever made anyone happy.

Just like with my drawing, I remember the who and the where so vividly: He was just about to leave again, back to the new life he had to create for himself, and I was devastated by it. Each trip brought some whiff of stability and permanence only for that to be torched again in a week’s time. The two of us at Waterside Mall in Norfolk, Virginia, another mall in another state. This time no Rocky Horror, no midnight bonding over glam and popcorn. He had to get going.

Life existed like this for two more decades: Visits came and went, we placed phone calls and sent emails and then true cracks in the armor began showing themselves over time. I miss him, but ours was a bond he chose to sever. In the end, he was just a chapter and not part of the whole book. And now I can only let something like Father’s Day mean so much to me.

Maybe it was always part of the plan for me to end up with these two pictures. I nearly hugged them when they first became mine, like catching up with a part of me I’d forgotten ever existed. My dad made it clear he didn’t intend on taking them. If I wanted, I could hang both images next to each other on my wall and we’d be together again in a sense. Lined up just so on a wall, it could be him looking at me and my blank visage. Or, placed another way, it could be us both ignoring each other. Maybe one day it will get to the point that I do, but for now, on this Father’s Day, they’re both off to a storage space. The drawings can sit there together, away from me and certainly away from my dad, and they can maybe work some stuff out on their own. Or not.