#because sensei is inexorably tied to the game. he IS the game (or at least one aspect of it)

[mail-forwarding]

(Mystic Valentine — Monologue from Ded to Tomte)

I'm sorry I gave you my Sacred Artifact without considering your feelings. That was my failure as Santa. I understand why you ran. Regardless of what anyone else may think—including you—I think you handled yourself with grace, class, and heart. You went to great lengths to say me... to save us. So all I can say, as punishment for your actions... is thank you. You've presented us with a new Santa path, different from the one we've followed all this time. I'm so proud to call you my student.

There's so much more I want to say about the relationship between Ded and Tomte, and on Tomte's growth as a person as he takes back his memories (and in doing do, his agency), but I'll save that for another part, because I really want to focus on this interaction here.

This isn't simply an expression of gratitude or apology. This is Ded taking responsibility for his actions. He thought he was doing the right thing by Tomte by sacrificing himself; he thought he was making the choice to save Tomte's future, without ever thinking of what that future would look like for Tomte. I can't help but wonder if, this entire time he'd looked after amnesiac Santa Tomte, he was aware of the possibility this might happen. When the Santa Scoundrels began popping up, I can't help but wonder if, by going down this route, he was thinking of this as a means of getting close to his friend, and if he thought this was a way of atoning for the pain he'd inadvertently inflicted on child Tomte.

(But of course, none of that was inherently his fault. It's not wrong for him to simply exist; this is something Tomte had to grapple for himself, but more tellingly, something Tomte had to grapple for Ded's existence too.)

There's just something exonerative about this, not just because Ded is realising and recognising where and how he did Tomte wrong. He's also coming to terms with how he'd shortchanged his own life too; how his prioritising of Tomte, though understandable and laudable, closed him off from other possibilities. He didn't ask for help and he didn't seem to have consulted anyone else on what he could have done instead; that failure to share his burden meant that, however unwittingly, it fell fully to Tomte to bear.

And while child Tomte's pain was not his fault, adult Tomte's definitely is. By withholding information till the very last second, by forcing this choice onto Tomte, and then by making that choice for him, he took away Tomte's agency. However well-intentioned he'd been, he took agency away from someone who'd previously already lost their agency to Eden. He didn't mean to, but he actively made that pain worse.

It's important that he acknowledges that. No matter how good a person is, it doesn't preclude them from hurting others. Ded had Tomte's best interests at heart, but he still deeply hurt Tomte through his actions.

What makes this scene more powerful is the hope and reconciliation. Because Ded does learn from his missteps: despite all the urgency, the desperation, he does get to chance to hear what Tomte actually wants. He gets the chance to make actual amends and receive his actual absolution, and this is only possible because he and Tomte are finally on the same page and seeing each other eye-to-eye — he is finally seeing Tomte as a fully realised individual, rather than only as his beloved pupil that he needs to protect.

As noted before, Mystic Christmas is a parallel to the Main Quest. We are given of glimpse of what could be, if MC could overcome their obstacles and save the person they want to save the most. That ending is possible, but only if sensei is willing to be saved. Only if sensei is willing to see MC for who they are, rather than what he wants for them or what he thinks they could be. Only if sensei is willing to set aside his pride and ask for help, to let go of the past (of all those versions of MC that never got to live), to place yet another load on the shoulders of an overburdened child.

And I get why he might look at the cost of putting aside his convictions and feel that it's too high to bear. But sensei, don't you see? Sharing a burden lightens it. You've pigeon-holed yourself into a dead end, much as Ded did. You've lost sight of hope and of possibilities. You've lost sight of what makes life worth living, because you don't think of yourself as living, nor as deserving of life.

But despite everything, just like Mystic Christmas, Housamo is a tale of hope and redemption. That's why I think in the endgame, MC will revisit this conversation with Mononobe; and this time, Mononobe will actually mean his gratitude and his apology, and MC will take his hands and forgive him, and show him the way forward.

Finally read Mystic Christmas and.... wow, that sure is a lot of narrative foils going on... Tomte for MC, Ded for Mononobe, the unfair naughty/nice dichotomy for the Game/loops, the imposition of Eden's belief system for the superimpositions of the Exiles......

Heck, you can even make the argument that Tomte's struggle to repress his naughty side parallels the fact that MC is never given the opportunity to actually voice their grievances. They always have to be nice and forgiving, and if not entirely understanding, then at least sympathetic, and definitely compassionate. They always have to rush to help, because if they're not good, if they're not needed, then why would anyone want them around? What meaning would there be to their existence(s)?

(And the whole, "I hate the symbol, but I want the man behind it back. My life went to hell because of what he represents, but I want him back. He gave me an impossible choice, then made the choice for me, without saying anything, before I could even make it, because he knew that either choice would hurt me, but the choosing most of all. Still, I want him back.")