#because of the way the shed and house are built it shouldn't even really put extra walls between them

[lamarie-artsy]

Finally fixed my internet issues!

[soda-boots]

Delusional Loser / Quirky Artsy Boy

The day is 26th February. It's a Sunday and I really want some fucking tiramisu. I'm listening to 'Flounder' by Quinnie and I'm just kind of sad in general. H is like I shouldn't write this down, that it’s not good for me but like fuck off for a minute. I need this !! or have I just convinced myself I do (also don't fuck off).

Track 1 - Man

I'm just really forlorn listening to this. I just want to cry but no real tears come out. It feels really odd how I've built up this whole situationship ( it never even was a situationship to him) in my head. Not even odd, just miserable. How delusional am I ? He never felt this way about me, he probably never felt anything about me. I made up this whole idea of us in my mind only for my thoughts to be clipped and burned in the town square.

Track 2 - Security Question

'Are you my friend now? You follow me and I follow you. In the morning we pass quietly on the street'

I think you mentioned once, if I liked you or the idea of you. First of all get off your fucking romcom and second of all I don't think it even mattered. Okay, maybe it mattered a little...

Track 3 - Itch

I love the line 'proof of God in your soup'.

I don't know if it could really get better than this.

Maybe I was so eager to jump head first into this because it was so novel (do I have trauma from this now ?). I just so desperately wanted to be loved by someone in a new way. Sure I knew my parents and my family cared for me. My friends did too, but I really wanted a 'love'. After years of constant rejections and 'I don't feel the same way' 's and ' You're really nice' and ' I'm not really looking for a boyfriend' or ' I have a boyfriend'. I coveted a relationship so brutally. Maybe that's why I resorted to making one up in my head.

I felt quite alone coming here. I'd left all my friends and family, and though it was nice to start afresh it was also scary and boring. The routinely introductions

'Hi I'm [so and so..]'

[They talk about themselves] 'That's so interesting' says me.

Don't get it wrong! I loved meeting people. I loved talking to all these new people, but it just felt like talking to new people (never making any friends). I wished for camaraderie, not acquaintances. It was so hard, I remember just crying in my cheer thinking about how alone I felt here. No real friends at that point, no one to really call on that was close by. I didn't want my parents to know that I was having such a hard time here (sure I've always been a bit out there, but I didn't know I was that out there that I was struggling this much to make friends). That was just exasperated by how I struggled to find flatmates . Sure Saskia offered, but that didn't work out. I was meant to find something with G but she did her own thing (which I'm happy about). I'm stuck in student accommodation for another year (which has it's perks), but I feel like I've failed. I'm flunking this whole university thing. I'm not failing my classes, but I'm not excelling like I did in secondary school. I've made some friends (who I adore), but I don't have a friend group. I've failed to find flatmates, so I've failed the quintessential uni house experience (don't say ohh everyone's experience is different, but I'm certainly an outlier here). I've failed to shed the skin of awkward me. Aloof me. off-putting me. Unseemly me. insufferable me. sad me. unlovable me. I don't know if this is making me feel better or not, but I certainly am feeling things.

I wonder sometimes if I am actually emoting or if I do genuinely feel my emotions. Am I actually tempestuous or am I just histrionic (and trying to feign these emotions to keep myself sane). Do I actually feel this way or I do I feel like I'm meant to feel this way. Am I sad or should I be sad here. Would crying make this moment better? Would me pushing myself into pensive gloom make this moment better? Smile it's better to smile to feel better. I put on a fake smile and it really doesn't make me feel better.

How should I respond that I don't make the other person uncomfortable. Am I sending too many texts? Is that an appropriate response ? No !!! It's not apologise NOW. I'm sorry for saying that, ' I don't mean that I mean blah blah blah' . I didn't mean to scare you (ok I did mean to scare you a little but not a lot, just a slight unsettling) .

Why do I look so forlorn all the time. Everyone says it - My parents, Zara, Jack. Do they see something in me I don't even see myself?

I should move on to the next song.

Track 4 - Touch Tank

I love you Adam (my favourite cowboy ). I just saw you sent me a message

This just reminds me of the summer of 2022 so much. Me being on the train to work at Five Guys. I just sing along to every word of it as the carriage races through the country side.

'He's so pretty when he goes down on me'

I'm not going to make this about you, because why would I do that to myself. Maybe at point I felt the saccharine way this song portrayed but I don't now, so I'll save it for someone else.

Track 5- popcorn & juice

This is so comforting. The past has evolved into some bagel of comfort. School and movies and staying up late. I miss how things used to be.

Track 6 - get what u get & Track 7 - emblem

' the burden is mine and you get what you get'

These emotions are all mine, and clearly not yours.

'The simplest joys are the ones most profound'.

Maybe this song is about me. I do feel like I'm healing in some way. Maybe this is cathartic. Maybe this is working

'when you step out/ the world steps in to meet you'

Track 8 - better

I just want to blame myself for it all. Who else can I ? It's all my fault I feel this way.

' and what he did to me is just another Diddy I can play'

or I guess in my case write about.

'I don't know why I don't want to get better, I wanna stay the same/ And I say that I'll figure it out once all my songs are sang'

or in my case once I've said all the things I want to say.

I really liked you, I know that's true. Possibly want true for you. No, I know it wasn't true for you. I guess you ended things gently. I don't want to see you anymore, but I do. I want us to be friends, but I don't want keep hurting. I don't hurt when you're around just hours later when I recap the depressive slides in the projector of my mind. Just moments like this. Most of the time I just laugh at the absurdity of it all. It feels so invalidating towards my feelings to know it wasn't real.

Track 9 - Promise

Damn I'm sobering up and this is embarrassingly simpy. You don't deserve all this dedicated to you. Am I emoting again? I really think about you all that often anymore (honestly)

I love the last minute of this track. I wish I still had a harp, so I could play music and be happy. I want to play music so badly. I love instruments. I love creating.

Track 10 - Flounder

I've come to love this song so much.

'Turns into the world we choose to see'

Track 11 - Jake's Car (Final Track)

This song definitely feels like a final track. A parting kiss. I want to say this left me with nothing, but I'm glad that I met you and we had nothing. Glad I met H though.

Bonus - Fashion Killa by Asap Rocky

This is a nice pick me up.

Closing remarks while I listen to

Rumble -Skrillex, Fred Again & Flowdan.

It was nice seeing sungwook on my way back from my unsuccessful tiramisu hunt. Why is it so hard to find tiramisu (ended up with a chocolate fudge cake - wasn't bad but chocolate frosting too is just too much). The walk made me think about how dead this uni town is. Like the only good thing about it is the uni. For the life of me do better. And as 'candy gun' by Melt-Banana plays I end this mess of a post.

[verveelvoud-blog]

I'm happy when it rains.

Mentally, I'm walking the streets of Shoreditch, while I'm on a caffeine rush and trying to decide where I should go to get my next fix in this city I don't know but feels almost eerily familiar. I'm taking in the post-industrial vibes that make me feel right at home without even knowing what street I'm on. Maybe that shouldn't come as a surprise though, considering I spend most of my waking hours serving coffee in an old washing machine factory. My friend is pulling shots at a vegan coffee shop and smiles at me when I walk in, wide eyed and slightly shaky from the cold and that fourth or fifth double shot espresso of the day. We share stories about our day and laugh while she closes up and we walk off in to the evening. Everything is beautiful.

And we looked so good, and we lived our lives in black.

Physically, I'm in Ghent, lying on my bed while the rain pours down, tapping on the window of the place i just moved into, The Jesus And Mary Chain softly blending with noise of the wind playing around on the roof. I'm happy when it rains, everything looks better in the dark, rainy night: the glow around every streetlight, the way the world above is reflected in the puddles below your feet, the glistening pavement, the smell in the air. It's cold and wet and coming home feels way better this way, almost rewarding. I don't know if I'm home yet, but I'm in my house. There's empty spaces waiting to be filled and boxes full of stuff left to unpack, forms to fill out, signatures to be put on countless papers. There's furniture waiting to be built, because I don't have them or they fell apart from the wear and tear of life and moving. I want to resist the ease of living the flatpack life, and instead start from scratch, avoiding the Swedish furniture for as long as possible and paying for that decision with my own two hands, skills and unavoidable frustrations along the way. I don't even know if I'll ever truly be at home somewhere but making a place mine by myself sounds like a decent start and I'd rather try and fail, not trying is failing anyway so there's never anything to lose really.

Talking fast couldn't tell me something, I would shed my skin for you.

Those moments when you realise what or who you're missing always hit harder in the days after you've left them. I don't want to feel this way but it's also reassuring. It tells me I care about things and I need that message from life sometimes, it puts me back on my feet when I wonder why we're even bothering, when I get annoyed with life or just the concept of humans. It shows me that I need to get a grip and be better, become better, try harder. There's always things to care about and even pain can be beautiful in that aspect. There's always a reason to care, there's always a reason for pain. If missing is a measure for love, I feel like I'm on the right track.

Talking fast on the edge of nothing, I would break my back for you.