soda-boots

[soda-boots]

A lovely

House party

Mattie invited me to her house party. It was so lovely that even campus cinema gave us a visit, and we moved to a second location.

In this lovely house on Vic Street, a choir boy named Adam (ooo the first man) talked with me for a long time. It felt very intimate and close. He really was very close to my person. Maybe at some point I’ll see him at his even song at the cathedral but until then that was fun.

Hanging out with Holly and Mattie and Mo was a great time. I should go to more house parties. Actually I should throw one!

[soda-boots]

Quirky Delusional Loser : A Redux

Album : Abysskiss by Adrianne Lenker

It's been quite sometime since I wrote on my Tumblr or even an account of my days anywhere. I often think I should do it more, but I never end up putting words down. It's too much of a strain for me to articulate myself in this way; To attempt to revisit my day in a way that is both accurate and interesting enough to want to even remember. For what is the point of documenting my dull milieu? To look back and think of those (or rather these) days of 'simplicity' ? I imagine my future days will also be filled with its own moments of equally dull milieu.

[soda-boots]

I think it’s time for a return.

It’s been a hot minute (a little over a month) since I last wrote in here. I don’t really know where to be begin actually. My emotions have been a bit volatile actually lately since the ‘weeping of Ellis’ which is what I will refer to that whole embarrassing moment that was early November. I really thought we had something, but I have to remember ‘thoughts’ and ‘reality’ often don’t actually intersect. At least we’re still friends, and I can relish in that comfort for a while. However, I do feel a certain yearning for more, but I know with time “it will pass” . It seems like when I have a crush on someone they instantly become exponentially more attractive to me. They just glow an iridescent, alluring aura. Suddenly they appear as unblemished untainted creature. And I just have to bask in that warmth. With Jake Avery (who has a girlfriend lest we forget) that feeling is trickling in. I know if I’m honest with myself I don’t actually like him I just like that I’ve made a new friend with similar interests to me. It’s that melding of platonic interest and possible romantic tendencies that I’ve always failed to separate. I think that’s why I fell so badly for Ellis. We had enough in common that I just couldn’t help myself. That flawlessness is waning on Ellis and that’s how I know things are mellowing. I saw a tiktok earlier about how some people don’t necessarily yearn for romantic love, and I’m starting to feel like I may fall into that category. I don’t actually know if I really want a partner. Maybe a best friend who I do lots of things with, but isn’t that a partner to a degree ? I also want to kiss and make love, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be with the same person just people that I know and care about. I feel like I’m describing a polyamorous commune. Let’s not accidentally slide into that. Often, I just yearn to be loved by people who aren’t related to me. I know they’re there, and I feel that and I think that’s why I’m kind of content not having one [a partner]. However, I kind of do want someone.

I’m flip flopping again.

I downloaded hinge (2 weeks ago) and tinder (a week ago). For the first time, I’m actually making a conscious effort to try and meet someone. Organic meet cute be damned. I can’t while away complaining how I’m partner-less and not even try to reach out into the world. I am a firm believer of Quinnie’s lyric - “When you step out the world steps in to meet you”. So let’s see what becomes of that. The girlies on there are not the best of texters, but maybe I’m too available. I love the internet and internet culture. I am on my phone maybe way too much. Is it a problem if I enjoy it ? Yes. My enjoyment does not eliminate the possible dangerous/addictive of tendencies of a thing. I don’t really want to detach, but it seems like everyone else does much better (read offline) things with their time. I should do too. I should try to internet a bit less. Work on my skills! Learn new things regarding my hobbies. A baddie doesn’t need to meme and chit chat as often. It’s not like my friends are available to kiki as often as I am.

I wish people would return my letters. I put a bit of effort into sending them out and I don’t know I just hoped it would turn into something cute. A fun exchange. I’m so grateful to Seb for actually replying to me, and to Jake and Mo for their Christmas cards. Also everyone who thanked me for the card. While it’s not needed, it does feel nice when people acknowledge you (or the thing you did to show you like them). I know Tim is busy but it would be nice to receive a response from him. I like this new friendship I have forming with Miles. I didn’t think I’d meet so many cool and interesting people in year 2 of uni. Yet here they are surrounding me. I feel blessed

[soda-boots]

Week of 6 November ‘23

Tbh I feel a bit embarrassed that I keep getting crushes on people who end not liking me back or just not seeing it going anywhere romantically or just wanting to be friends. They always go on about how I’m a “really great guy”, and Max told me I was a “catch” to make me feel better. But I don’t feel like much of a catch. I just feel like a failure. Why can’t I seem to spark with someone? I really do like Ellis. Why can’t that just be enough ? I guess I can’t make people like me the way I want them to. That hurts.

I thought things were going quite well honestly and I hoped we could take things further. I thought the problem with Jack was I went too fast physically and we just couldn’t work. With Ellis, I wanted him to make a move, and I didn’t want to be too forward and make a move myself. I didn’t want to come off as too eager. I’m thinking of the song “so what now” by Renee Rapp. A lot of it encapsulates how I feel at the moment. He says for now it’s best if we stayed friends. I don’t want to be delusional and think oh it could amount to something more. I mean it could, and I can hope that it does but I don’t know really. The balls in his court.

Monday Morning (6/11/2023)

I feel physically ill from this emotional torment. I’m so tired and my eyes hurt, and I’m shivering and fidgeting sometimes. Very much a disproportionate reaction to something to small I guess. He just said he wants to stay friends for now, and while I guess I feared things would go that way (I think I even mentioned it in an earlier post ) I still hoped it wouldn’t. Speaking of mentioning it earlier, my writing always ages so badly. Why can’t I help but foreshadow the least satisfactory outcome.

I’m just a little scared that this won’t go anywhere. The thought leaves me desolate. However, we have our funny moments like me falling off the wooden holds to see you taking photos of me or criticising the lack of “dynamicness” of archery. You listening to my show means a lot to me. Even though we haven’t known each other that long you mean a lot to me.

- Hänsel und Gretel (14/10/2023)

I’ve been loving the album "I get into trouble" by maple glider as a result.

9 Nov 2023

Ellis hasn't replied to my texts in quite a while now - so the last text I've gotten from him was from Monday (with him replying to my reply). I've sent a few texts since then with no response since, but he still watches my stories, so maybe he's not ghosting me (but also maybe he is). It just hurts tbh. I may be jumping to conclusions but I'd really hate for things to end this way. It's one thing for things to not go the way I wanted them to, and it's another to be ignored (and maybe have a friendship end - I really hope not). I haven't cried in a few days, but I feel one coming on right now. Haleemah thinks I should move on, and that's true. They said it'd be weird if I kept texting them, and I agree. So I have to end communication from my side at least, at least for a few months (or until he texts back. Whichever bloody comes first). I can't just stop thinking about him, that's impossible, but as time goes things may remind me less and less of him. It's a bit hard though, the film camera I own was partially influenced by him; me starting hockey too (honestly the irony of me crying over the initial message right before I head to the hockey game will never not be lost on me. It's like it was written in a romance film. Love/hate my life). I so want to see and talk to him again, but that might not be the best for now and I don't want to seem pestering. If he doesn't want to talk to me then maybe I should reach out. I hate this whole notion, but I gotta put me first. And it's not like I can't heal with him there (I did it with Jack), but this is probably different. I've liked Ellis for way longer...

[soda-boots]

Post-march noodle thoughts

Uhhh I just want him to text me back…

I feel like such a munch ( Haleemah said wouldn’t it be ‘cocksucker’ and pretty much yea but I’d prefer to use munch) waiting for him to text me back. I just checked and he’s seen them; I’m just a bit impatient tbh. After my Instagram hiatus I’ve totally forgotten how long the wait for replies with everyone is. But then again it’s just a free Saturday for me so I’m probably just more aware of things on my phone.

I’ve been loving Coco & Clair Clair so I’m finally listening to their album “Sexy”. It definitely delivers on the title. They personify that mean pretty girl aesthetic to me so well. I’m also enamoured by “Just another diamond day” too.

Addendum (1):

When I went to say hi to you, in the queue, l felt so embarrassed. Then I thought about it and then thought about how I was going to write about it. How exhausting.

Song - Earth Intruders by Bjork (coincidentally fitting)

Addendum (2):

Since this all happens on the same day it'll be one Tumblr post.

After the Free Palestine, I had some Thai instant noodles and crispy fried chicken (thighs). It was such a good lunch. As an aside, I watched bottoms in the morning; such an amazing film.

To the main event of the day - The Tar Barrels

I got in line to wait for the bus hoping that I would probably run into someone I knew to hang out with (It wasn't the most active thought in my head; the most active was the lyrics to the Olivia Rodrigo songs' I was listening to). I then see Ellis walk by, I say 'Hi!' but he doesn't hear so I walk by to say hello to him - hence addendum 1 and me listening to the start of Volta - Bjork.

We end up sitting together on the bus and talking for a while, and he clarifies the instagram delay. I probably do just send so many messages, it can be a lot if I'm being frank. I hang out with his housemates for the night - Matthias, Rob and Rebecca. They were really fun and it was really nice to hang out in a group like that.

The tar barrels were so terrifying. Barrels soaked with tar set alight and carried around by people. I assumed they were going to be rolled and not like hauled around the place. The barrel bearers (as I'll dub them) were in thigh layers of clothes, had what looked like raffia sacks on they hands, and they faces were covered in vaseline. Fire protected to an extent. They raced through the crowds; a path forming wherever they moved to. I got a few Polaroids of the event. Eventually Rob wanted cider and we left the first barrel we say and started making our way down the street. Following people down a crowd isn't very easy also I always seemed to be at the back. So it looked like ellis was always looking back to check if I was still there. At some point the tar barrel came our way again, and then it's set down right infront of me. It's set even more alight and becomes engulfed in flame right infront of me. The fire was terrifying (obviously) but also partially mesmerising.

[soda-boots]

Thoughts Lately

To set the scene, I’m on the shitter. I’m half way through my Groups,Rings and Fields coursework (due tomorrow); I’m listening to “Underachievers Please Try Harder” by Camera Obscura; I’m back off to uni tomorrow and I’ve been on somewhat of an Instagram/TikTok detox. Though technically I was briefly on both of those apps for a total of 20 minutes the past few days, but that’s a gigantic reduction of what it usually is. I do miss the convenience and ease of short form content, despite that I don’t think I actually miss TikTok or reels that much.

It hasn’t been a thorough social media blackout. I’m still on Twitter (or I should say X), Reddit, YouTube and of course miss Tumblr(ina) but I spend so much less time on those anyway. I don’t know if I’d say I’ve been more productive, but I do notice the moments I would usually be scrolling. I feel the absence, almost like a drug I’m in withdrawal from (way less dramatic though and no way comparable in severity).

[soda-boots]

Overwriting and maybe oversharing

I don't need to share all my thoughts and feelings and musing online. While I enjoy writing and posting on my instagram stories, and consuming tiktoks, maybe it is becoming debilitating. I'm using it as some crutch to maintain sanity, and sanctity. I won't stop writing but I will reel it in. 3/4 posts in a week is way too much to be healthy. I love my song instagram stories though, but I may have to restrict my TikTok use though.

[soda-boots]

I have emotional needs

I'm well aware that the solution is to put myself out there, but I do enjoy about writing about my seemingly reoccurring bouts of melancholia. My mum told me she's worried that I do stuff alone. I'm not too bothered by that most of the time. I do enjoy going about the world alone. However, often times I wonder how it would feel to have a partner to do all these things with. Or what it'd feel like to have an actual friend group.

Quick side : song - Bjork's stonemilker

I had a haircut today, and my barber had had such a nice flat and he lived with someone else. I wonder what it'd be like to live in a student house. Do I even have friends at this moment that'll be willing to do that ? I've always had singular friends but only a few times a friend group where I felt wholly in and involved. Obviously a student house isn't the solution, but I do want a group. That's probably why I love the music team at the radio so much. Unlike with archery, it feels like a group of people (who most are at least kind of my friends) I hang out with every week. It's the closest thing I have to a large friend group (disregarding Jack and Haleemah (and Ellie) who I love but Jack and Haleemah are both closer to each other (proximity wise too). While I am close to them individually though I don't know it doesn't feel the same). Maybe that's why I am so keen to join a new sport (preferably a team sport), so I have to meet new people. But it's not just meeting people, it's forming an actual relationship with them. Why do I struggle with that so much. There are so many people around that are just ripe for the friendship picking. Why am I just a bad farmer ?

I was listening to Mina Le's podcast earlier and she talked (and I'm definitely misremembering and so misquoting) about how she would usually only write about her bad days. So looking back at her writing , it makes it seem like she was always miserable. That we should write about happy moments too. I want to do that more. I want to make it clear here, I'm not miserable. I do have friends, people I talk to and I do hang out with people. I try to go for socials. Maybe I should go for more socials. Really looking back on my week, I do quite solitary things (or at most with one other person, except maybe the music show and archery ram trip on Wednesday which I must admit was nice). I don't actually go for many socials. Is that my solution ? Go for more socials, maybe become a cavern rat ? I do like cavern. I lowkey want to be feral but I truly know I couldn't handle that.

Bjork - Black lake is so gruff. I love how low her voice sounds (and the r rolls she does) and the harsh instrumentals.

A solution will come but also I need to find one. For now I'm going to go with more socials, new sport maybe or maybe I just take the plunge and join exepose. Try to cultivate friendships from the societies I'm currently in. Put in the work. Two posts in one day; three posts in a 7 day span. I'm lowkey going through it.

Edit: The fire alarm went off. Can I know peace ? It’s literally almost midnight.

[soda-boots]

Hänsel und Gretel

I went climbing (or more accurately bouldering) with him yesterday. My tumblr is just my journal at this point, and I’m not mad about that.

It was really fun. I wore my little shorts and my favourite sweater (my death sweater actually) and one of the few scarves I have with me at uni. I don’t really wear scarves actually, but it kept me warm throughout the night.

We walked to the climbing centre, after my show. Obviously me being an expert navigator led the way (sort of). That was so cringe of me to say (more than once), but I’m not really embarrassed. More squirmy reliving it.

The actual bouldering was great. I forgot how tiring and challenging it was. Additionally, I’m so used to bouldering outside and on these concrete rocks at the loop that I didn’t realise how different it felt inside with climbing holds. I hadn’t climbed in a while. It just makes me relive S5 again. That year of outdoor education; I miss outdoor Ed, and my little group there. The nostalgia is kicking in really quickly.

He was a natural at it. He was so good; it was mesmerising. When he did the overhang one, as he climbed up (and also to the side as it is angled) I couldn’t help but notice how muscular his calves were. I’m gushing at the memory now. Him moving up upside down was so spiderman like (I always did like Peter Parker). I wonder if he still reads my tumblr. It’s kind of swayed into me fawning over him sometimes. Which is fine for me to write ( I don’t reread it myself), but I wonder how it makes him feel. To be the object of someone’s desire. Like FKA twigs said in Pendelum -

“How does it feel to have me thinking about you? Wishing my words were enough to consume you”

Probably my favourite lyric from her. The placement of the onus of the crush being on the desired is so genius to me. We often reflect on crushes from our own point of view because it heavily involves us, we are the ‘feeler’ after all, but what about the other person ? Can you tell I like you so much? Do you feel an ooze of longing gushing out of me? Spilling everywhere like oil out a broken amphora. I want you and I want you to know that I want you (you do).

I’m just a little scared that this won’t go anywhere. The thought leaves me desolate. However, we have our funny moments like me falling off the wooden holds to see you taking photos of me or criticising the lack of “dynamicness” of archery. You listening to my show means a lot to me. Even though we haven’t known each other that long you mean a lot to me.

As a short addendum: Hansel and Gretel /Yeti was good. An improvement from last week though not where I want the show to be yet. I need to put in more effort, in spite of that it’s so cheery how chaotic the show feels at times. I hope the excitement and amusement is palpable. After climbing we joined some of the film pub crawl before getting there Ellis did talk about bridges (which was endearing). I asked him about which George the bridge was built (I barely remember the Georges myself). Someone, a Zoe(y), complimented my scarf, so kind of her. She looked great ! And her tag along Cameron looked lovely too. We ended up sitting down at a table and 2 other guys came along (one business and ancient history/archeology I think ). I always wanted to do classics in school. I told him about the thom yorke house and he mentioned his association with Cavern. I’m starting to feel more comfortable talking to him in person.

I should go now. This was invigorating.

edit: I realised I only ever really talk about Ellis physically, probably because it's just easier for me to write. And so much less invasive for me to write. I don't really like writing about how other people exist in relation to me. He's so funny, and not in a like he's a jokester way, but in a we can have banter way. Like I don't feel bad being slightly mean in my humour with him. [Song interjection - Family by Bjork is so harmonious. Those strings and I can't even describe it - celestial ringings? - are so calming for me] In some ways he has a lot of things I desire. He just seems so effortlessly normal, and smart and kind. He can drink beer and doesn't have an unusual reaction to coffee (though feeling faint does kind of moot this point); he lives in a uni house with his friends. Something that still kind of bothers me. When I think about it, in some ways I feel like a failure in that I couldn't cobble together enough friends (or even integrate with people) to get a uni house. I so want to be quintessential sometimes, and it hurts that I'm so violently not at times. In reality, a lot of these things don't bother me most of the time. And I do NOT think me liking Ellis stems from some psychological urge for normalcy (I enjoy many normal things and above average things in my life and it would be disingenuous to imply I don't. Nonetheless, often I have this picture of how things should go and it does feel debilitating when everything isn't picturesque), but just that we get along and have similar interests. I do like he likes art, and reads (the fact that I even have to put that as an attractive quality). He's sporty/athletic. He has things that he's passionate about and willing to talk about. He seems to be interested in what I have to say too. There's something so refreshing about when people feel like they care about what you say. Sometimes I feel quite invisible (the whole photo/stalker thing sort of worsens that). I know I'm not. I do see people who greet me back often. I love to feel acknowledged.

Anyway let's stop with all this woe of me bullshit. Let's look at the nice parts of my day. I have people I can talk to about things, and send funny tiktoks and have a nice chat to. I saw the taylor swift film, which I enjoyed. I allow myself to follow my interests passionately. I allow myself the freedom to change my hair, so drastically (it's not that drastic). Maybe reinvention isn't the solution, but it's a calming one. Vulnicura is a bop and a half. Interesting, I've been coming back to it so much all year.

Edit: I just seem to lack contentment. I have so much to be happy about. And I am

[soda-boots]

A Triggered Sunday

I've been binging a tv show lately, I haven't done that in a while (in a long time actually). It's so good, really funny and dramatic, but not in a cringey way. The dynamics are realistic, so many parts of the show feel like these characters have actually lived and are living. I just don't like how much the eating disorder plot line triggers me.

This isn't the first time, something like this has happened. I definitely remember it happening before, though I can't throw a pin to the board at exactly when. I don't specifically know when it started, but for a long time now ED plots in film & tv has always left me unsettled. Frazzled and feeling like a shell of myself after. Ive watched 4 episodes I think now and with episode 2 and 3, I was left is exhausted after. Watching the scenes, I felt warmer and uneasy, my breaths harshened and I got a little dizzy. Restless, I just needed to squirm around a bit and try to shake the whole feeling off. Switching off the show didn't help much. I was still left stained with these emotions. A while had passed, so it was time to go for dinner, I dreaded the thought of eating. Oddly, I didn't feel like the food felt or tasted or even looked strange. It seemed as do nothing had changed, I picked my dishes and sat down. I was a bit scared as I went in for the first bite of my roast Turkey and rice (and parsnips). I was scared this spell would leave bitter taste in my mouth... it didn't. The parsnips tasted great.

I've never really had a problem with food (unless I think about it and the whole concept of eating way too much). The whole idea of chewing and digesting food is a bit unsettling and sometimes I imagine swallowing and I'm left jaded by the idea of food, however not for too long. Maybe the discomfort comes from the hyperawareness that ED content places on me towards my own body. Walking around after dinner (before going to my social), my body just felt really strange: I was more aware of my clavicles and my teeth, and my own skin. I thought "oh what defined clavicles I have? and I can feel the jabby bones of my shoulder, this is surely normal right?". I talk to my parents for a bit and relay how uneasy I feel but don't tell them why cause I really don't want to talk to them about these things. I do feel a little bad about this nevertheless I am allowed to keep some things from them (I think). I don't want to feel too aware of myself, it makes me feel nervous. Seeing my reflection when I don't to, except when I look really good 'cause even I can't deny I have my moments (this is a sad post let me have a tinge of narcissism okay?!). My clothes being too tight that I can feel them clinging until my skin; sometimes it's fine, most times it is not. I don't like the whole skin-tight thing, luckily I've only had to experience that with wetsuits but I'm too occupied with other thoughts to worry in those situations (not that it causes me to panic I'm just like ohh the contours of my body). I don't think I look bad, I look great for someone who is right now really hungry (and also doesn't go to the gym or really does much sport ). Side tangent, I should probably eat more, I only seem to eat enough to tide me over to the next meal now lately (that mustn't be great), despite that I don't really want to.

It's confusing that I feel this way in clothes, I love being naked (in the confines of my solitude). It's the hippie in me. Just laying bare after a shower waiting for the water to slowly be whisked off my body (either being absorbed by my skin or evaporated). Back to the topic, I just feel sometimes too aware of my own physical humanity to the point that if feels physically detrimental to me. When I get stares when I'm out like yesterday or someone beeps their horn at me and makes gestures at me also yesterday or a bout 2 years ago now when someone was trying to flirt me from their cab, at times I like not being acknowledged. It's an entirely selfish thought to want to decide when I'm perceived or not. I'm starting to get a bit tired so I'll call it a night.

I really should start doing work over the weekends too. I'm aware my hard reset approach I take now is good for my mental health and allows me the time to unabashedly rest. However, I need to get unto-me of my work and never never fall behind. I want to be an academic weapon this year and that will actually require me studying in my room (oh the horror!!! *scream*) when it's not an exam/test period.

I don't like feeling triggered. I don't enjoy the power something as trivial as a tv show can have on whether the rest of my day feels fulfilling or like I'm trudging through. I feel a bit weak for being affected, nonetheless I should never speak about to my self in such negative ways.

It's time for bed, I have an early class

[soda-boots]

Affirmations

I feel like writing, but I can't think of anything to write about (at least well) except about Ellis.

What do I say actually? I think I really do like him, maybe that's why I'm so anxious now. I was overthinking drinking water in his room. I seemingly forgot how to drink water silently. Every gulp of water felt louder and heavier than the last one. I've never been more self-conscious about a basic task like that before. Am I circling back to my reservations with being perceived. Which still makes no sense to me, I don't necessarily try to blend in (ever) or be silenced (except at the music show where I seldomly interject but that's mostly because I enjoy to watch the interactions).

Is it strange that I just want to touch him ? On the rare occasion, where our arms have brushed it felt exhilarating. On the flip side, I don't often enjoy touch half the time , so that's a weird dichotomy...

I wonder if I say enough or not. Am I giving 'more than friends' vibes ? How do I even do that? I have no idea to even go about that or convey those feelings, and gauge whether I'm doing it effectively or not. I like it when I'm near him, even when we don't say anything. However, does everyone feel that way ? I don't want things to become awkward.

Throughout the two films, I yearned for his comments (just so I could hear his voice). I adore the sound of his voice; I think that's a psychological thing, obviously. I giggle when I imagine him laughing like Prince William. Eww a giggle though (be embarrassed, I concurrently am and am not). When I see him everyone else blurs away into a haze of human-shaped off-focus individuals. How am I meant to notice anyone else when you're there. Sitting next to him, I just noticed the light hairs on his arm; the waistband of his underwear, but strangely I can't remember the colour of his eyes. I never can seem to, how bizarre ? Especially considering how I insist on keeping eye contact with people while they speak to me. There might be some form of disassociation happening somewhere or I just blanket interpret everyone's eyes as brown after I meet them.

I am very tired now, so good night.

Edit :

The title is in reference to Hannah Diamond's song from her new album, Perfect Picture

I am building my own world

I am a business women and my own CEO

I will always be enough

I mean a lot to all my fiends and I will never give up

I'm the girl who gives her time and energy

The girl who's anything she wants to be

I can be a better me

These are the affirmations from the song, which Hannah chants to 'keep repeating'. I don't really do affirmations except for specific moments where I need a confidence boost. I guess I enjoy the declaration of the inverse of an anxiety. Affirming it's not true (or should I say confirming the opposite is true to be more positive) provides some reassurance. However, if it stems from place of insecurity (don't you already believe that insecurity to be true to have to deny?) is an affirmation just a coping mechanism ?

I've been thinking lately about how I struggle to actually say why I like people. Intrinsically I must know, right?

I've still yet to meet all my flatmates. We're three weeks in now, that's so odd. I'm definitely comparing my interactions with them to my flatmates from last year, but we're so not a 'group'. Sure, last year my flatmates weren't a friend group but I still spoke to them and we hung out one on one. Thinking about it, I have a distinct memories of hanging out individually (or in a trio) with each of them: press with Avisha, Elvis with yasmin, caving with Saskia, talks with Zara, pizza with Hannah and yasmin, watching some of thoroughbreds (with Dan (who actually didn't live with us) with Francis being there for a while). It's weirdly isolating not even being barely friends with any of them (yet). I guess I'm only three weeks in and I am barely in my flat during the week, so I won't deep it too much.

[soda-boots]

Moths surround me, thought they'd drown me

This is a slightly concerning and definitely incomplete recount of yesterday (the 20th).

So post Passages, I have breakfast yada yada yada. Meet this girl named Antonia (we have breakfast and then dinner together actually with her friends Jessie and Islay). I go on the stand for xpression for a few hours and then go on the cinema crawl with the other committee. Meet some interesting people on there actually (most notably Lachlan). However before that I go to Rituals to see where Mo works and end up buying a 37 quid umbrella. Its a gorgeous umbrella and it better hold up. I rush back to my flat for my meeting with Jason and I think it goes quite well. I have dinner after and come back to my flat. I finally have the fantastic idea to go to the club... alone. I've never done it before and it's something I've always wanted to give a go. It's not like Jack and Haleemah are turning up at the club anytime soon and no one has ever invited me to join their group before (as far as I recall). I do try my best to be adventurous and this just me exercising that. I promenade to the shop to buy 2 bottles of cider and a can of pimm's. Downing one bottle and the can, while listening to Songs for You, I'm trying to hype myself up for this event.

I try inviting Lachlan to the club, but he can't make it (fair enough). Good even, this is a private event for me. The night starts to blur a little from here (but I can still remember pretty much all of it). I speak to Ellis about coffee or something and how coffee/alcohol makes me sleepy. An hour and a half before vaults opens to help the timeline. This is 7:27pm now.I talk about violet from Charlie and the chocolate factory I think at around 8

Going through messages to recount events is so funny lol. I listen to 'dem boy paigon' to hype myself up' and I believe I leave my flat say 8:40 pm -ish. I'm baskily power walking through these streets, no headphones on (I considered not even bringing my phone to stay fully immersed but I disregarded that whole ideology).

I walk by a bunch of people also going to town. These group of friends all walking and laughing together. At the time, I was so unphased by the juxtaposition of me alone and them in a bevy. It didn't matter, I was determined to have fun. {here begins ramblings from my notes app about how I'm feeling, what I'm hearing and seeing and comments from me}

‘We’re walking at gay speed “

This was so funny and initiated the whole idea

I wonder if it’s actually this cold or the alcohol has warmed up my body in some way 

It didn't feel as cold at first, but then again I was definitely tipsy, if not flat out drunk at this point. I felt quite warm in my chest actually

Speed feels a bit weird. I’m kind of dizzy, like in an odd state of vertigo . I should have worn my glasses because I why is verything a little bit more blurry 

I actually forgot that I felt like this. Time seemed to be moving very quickly at first. Like I was just racing through the streets. Everything had a slight blur filter on it and I was a bit dizzy. It was a strange feeling to be concurrently aware and so distinctly detached in this way.

I walk down the street towards the vaults and why do I start to sing 'mystery of love in my head'

Bounded by the time I cried ! I built your walls around me . White noise what an awful sound. Fluttering by rouge rivers. Feel my feet upon your the ground . Shall I find no other. oh woe is me 

For context, I'm struggling to type accurately (I know I'm sobering up when I can do it better again later in the night)

The walk felt like nothing 

It did feel strangely quick.

It’s closed (the vaults) . That’s so sad (one that it is closed and two that I got here while it was closed ) 

Of course in my eagerness, I get to the club while it's closed and now what do I do ? Go to another club (I'm determined !!!)

I just met Edward and his mum from film soc. I wonder how the interaction was from their end.

I stumbled back when I stop to speak to them. Edward is so nice and his mum seemed lovely. As I mentioned I wonder how that interaction was from their end. His mum had a strange but friendly expression on her face (she goes back to Belgium today).

Moving on, I see Rhys at some point (and I think it was around here. I also see Mo at some time while I’m on the cobbled streets near vaults but that’s earlier than this I think ). I trudge to Zinc and it's closed for a social !

I went to zinc and they were having a Taylor Swift Soc event. They’re playing all to well (10 minute version) that’s so cute . I think it’s Taylor Swift society . I don’t think it’s Taylor society because they started playing paint the town red by Doja cat 

I'm out of it at this point. The see-sawing between whether it is Taylor swift society or not. I was a bit upset that I couldn't go to Zinc (but I just walked towards fever) because they were playing music I liked. I love how looking back I kept asking the bouncers, how I could buy a ticket and they so nicely and attentively answered me. I must have so clearly looked clueless. I couldn't get into fever too till about 10 and I just left .

Timeline update - 9:27

I tell Ellis I might go home. He suggests I go to a pub, and so I do

Don’t dwell on your feelings too much if not you will cry !

I'm quite emotional it seems.

Have you ever had a krispy kreme? Was it crispy (context - I saw a Krispy Kreme van ) 

I'm walking back to vaults here and I can't find it again, but notice bar named Pixy's. I read the board and walk by some guy who acknowledges me and I walk past. I get a bit lost and then walk back to Pixy's. I go in and the guy from earlier kind of jogs and he's the bartender. How hipster of him lol. I have no idea what I want and say that to him. He asks what I don't like, I say lemon because I don't really know (in actuality, I do enjoy lemon flavoured things). He makes this drink with watermelon and thyme vodka, lime cordial and apple Frobisher, and it tastes so good ! He says if I don't like it I don't have to pay for it (ok sales man). I did pay for it. I probably would have lied and said I liked it regardless of how I actually felt. He put in all that effort to try and impress me (ehhh did he?)

I went to a bar called Pixy’s and I got this thing made with watermelon and thyme vodka and then like cordial and a apple and something Frobisher 

I sit and have my drink and every move I make has so much more weight to it.

Every movement feels exaggerated . Like with each sway, the strength grows more and more 

I’m definitely less coherent than I think I am 

Oh I’ve tried vodka now ( kind of)

There's a group of ladies having a great time in front of me. Once again the juxtaposition of them in their gaggle (but oddly I don't think about that at the time). I actually look back now thinking oh I actually had a fun time. I leave Pixy's and pass a bar called 'The Mermaid'. Just like with Pixy's I circle back to it very soon after and go in. I hoped I didn't fall down the stairs down into it. I go in and the art is very 'art nouveau' and the decor so heavily influenced by Art Deco. It was a shame there wasn't any have music playing. The walls were dark green. There were some geometric features within it.

I go to the bar and the man hands me their menu. Scanning it I notice a negroni and other things I recognise some other drinks. However, I loved the names of their mock tails more so I order one.

I went to a bar called the mermaid and ordered the rejuvenation. It has tomato and pineapple juice . Such a weird tasting drink. So tangy. The taste of tomato is highly present. Very acidic 

While he makes my drink, drink I have a chat with the bartenders. They ask why I'm out and I'm like I've never been to a club and none of my friends have really been interested so I'm doing it myself. The lady bartender seemed quite proud of me. the guy making the drink mentions it's a weird one unless you like tomato juice. I get my drink and sit in the corner and sip on my strange drink. It tasted nice as far as I can recall. I sit down and I'm texting people, Max (I see his new haircut) and Ellis (who is baking a bread). I might have texted Haleemah too. I hear a cuckoo clock ...

The cuckoo clockification of my mind 

There’s a really large plant here at the mermaid. I’m texting haleemah, max and Ellis. I texted Louise earlier 

The bartender compliments my jumper when I leave. The irony of me going to a bars named pixy and mermaid when I do a fantasy creature show isn't lost on me. I finally get into the vaults and of course I am one of two people there. Addendum: I text Louise before I leave my flat, while I'm pre-ing and when I first get to the vaults and it's closed

Help why did the dj at vaults start playing started at the bottom at vaults . The dj started playing burna boy 

Did I really offer the money back to the vaults workers after they forgot lol. The other guy in here (Andy) introduced himself 

I’m trying so hard to manufacture this fun night and I’m failing a bit miserably. The workers are in beanies and that’s really cute. I feel very uncomfortable when Andy comes around me 

They weren't wearing beanies, it was bucket hats. Andy is rather odd. He is quite tall and imposing and dwarves me, it doesn't help how close he keeps coming towards me. He seems to be having a lovely time on his own though. In a way maybe I should be more like him and let go. He's also here alone (like I am) but I would hope I don't come off that odd (now I have the implicit fear that I do). I leave and go off to the cathedral.

I’m at Exeter cathedral now. Why do I rely on religion so luck for some form of wholeness ?

It's that catholic school and religious family conditioning. I listen to 'goldwing' by Billie Eilish and walk around the cathedral; Examining the sculptures on the facade. I recite the Lord's Prayer and a Hail Mary (which I had to look up because I never formally learned it). I read the quotes/etchings on the floor around the cathedral and in a weird way they bring me comfort.

"Oh God give me of thy fullness

Thy surrounding and

thy peace"

It's attributed to traditional Celtic. I also view the monuments around and try to open some doors. It's 11 now. I know this because the church bells ring ( I never knew we had a church bells and it rang !)

I never knew Exeter had a church bell. That’s adorable and quite gothic.

Oh wow not Francis not noticing me . Uhh my god 

Francis is my old flatmate for context. I basically had to chase him to talk to him. I also noticed Jack B from the radio

Why does everyone wear such dark clothing at night. 

Contrasting my bright yellow jumper

Such a long queue at fever. It’s actually a bit cute how long it is 

I think it’s quite cute how long it is, it might be time to call it a night. I’m so over this whole thing 

I love how u still hold the vindication against America. In actually I did try and I did not enjoy. I did not like the whole night thing: I’m not saying I won’t reattempt but for a while. The club may just not be for me .

Of course I heard an American accent and got war flashbacks.

I leave fever and go back to vaults (for clarification this is the second time I will be inside ) and got to go right in since I got branded (stamped) with a pass.

Oh there are more people at the vaults now. 

Andy just keeps saying the most random things to me. “ I ain’t fucking racist “ the bartender even asked if I was ok . Andy if you need to start your sentence that way you’ve already missed it  He seems a bit nice.  I might be  sobering up because  I’m sobering up and feel more coherent (also I’m typing a lot better)  .

Why do I struggle so hard to villainise people? The bartender gestures towards me asking if I'm alright (nice of him I guess). I leave Vaults again. I leave vaults to join the queue at fever under the thought process that the line there will be more lively than this dead club.

People are so nice and caring here. Someone asked me if I was alright .

This occurs on the street for clarification.

I join the queue for fever and eventually end up talking to the people infront of me. They tell me I look 19/20. I literally turned 18 3 months ago. Can I just go a night without being ferociously humbled ??? Can I ? They were lovely however. Even offering to pay for my entry since I had no cash. I left soon after that

In a weird way it was contemplative. I’ve reached the point where I’m detaching my feelings and externalising them. I truly abhor  drunken patter.

I want to listen to seether by veruca salt .

Can’t fight the seether. I can see her till I’m foaming at the mouth.

For the final time I am back at vaults and it's finally lively.

I left fever and now I’m back the vaults . There a lot more people here and I still feel a bit more out of place: maybe it’s the music . The heart palpitation induced by this bass is simultaneously awful and glorious . They literally recognised me at the door. A guy literally said I was the second customer . I’m a bit sick from that lol . This haze / smoke smells so odd 

I know every song this dj is playing. He’s so cheesy . 

There was a weird amount of older people there and it was a bit odd. Not be ageist or anything (my ageism is showing). I tell a guy happy birthday because he's wearing a party hat and dance a little with this group of first years

And I actually began to enjoy myself it felt nice and fun . I kept locking eyes with people which was slightly disconcerting by oh well. The haze started to pick on and the lights flashed more aggressively and with party in the USA blaring in the back I finally left for home at 1:30-sh my first time clubbing was not bad at all. While I wish it was smoother. beggars can’t choose.

BBQ SOCIETY !!!

I hear someone scream that from firehouse while I walk back home. I love how it is still lively.

I think u try so hard to be interesting and fun and worthy of affection. A lot of the time I don’t notice but I think I might just be too insecure to truly be my own person in a way that I’m happy with. Sure I get glimpses of that every now and again but ok the whole I don’t think I'm that confident enough to to truly exude it . To actually go out and be

The come down lol. I think I'm saying here that I try to do all these things to make myself feel interesting and fun so I can come across that way to other people. I have the fear that I'm just so uninteresting.

Met Chris , Connor and will at the bottom of block d. They were so nice and fun. I'm going to go off to bed

We had a little conversation and my night ended like that.Chris, Connor and Will (and one more other person actually but he went of earlier ) are guys that live in the first floor of my building that I met when I got home. They seemed like fun, nice guys. Chris had a rather sad speech about him justifying racism he had received when he was younger (he’s from Singapore). I don’t think racism should ever be rationalised. For context, it was a child being racist to him (so he definitely picked that up around) which is so disheartening. Even thinking about it now (about 12 hours later makes me feel ill) .

I will fix any grammar errors later but that's it really

[soda-boots]

Sorry I was never good like you

"Can we keep up with the ruse" 'Sober' - Lorde

I know I'm having a moment when I'm on social media a lot more than usual, feel a bit detached, more bored than usual and have the urge to put on 'Melodrama' to try and make myself feel better.

Not me getting a text mid-tumblr moment, can I regurgitate in peace.

The summer as a whole has been great actually. I can't fully complain. I went to Alton Towers for my birthday (I just remembered that I never paid for the photos. Done now).

I think the emotion is gone now. There's basically no literary flow happening sadly. Weird that I haven't felt strong enough about something emotionally to write about. Should I be concerned ? The only thing recently that has left me exhausted are these blasted internship applications. So much effort to do, like sure the initial application takes like what 10 minutes maybe (if they don't ask me to write those damn essay questions on why them. Babes be so for real right now). But it's those online assessment (shout out to when I got rejected by Costa for them not thinking I would be a good barista after there online assessments) , those patronising and arduous psychometric tests, situational judgement assessment, culture fit matches, verbal and aptitude quizzes. Ranging from analysing copious amounts of data in an incomprehensibly short amount of time, non-verbal reasoning games.

"pick which matches you best"

"I like working in a diverse environment"

"I get easily bored with routine"

Why are you asking me basically 200 personality questions, at some point it's just too tedious and too much. And I dance around for them and perform these tasks because I genuinely want these things. So far I've only gotten two rejections but I haven't applied to that many places yet (it's only September after all). I'm optimistic that something meant for me will come eventually (I only did get my summer job in like April I think. I did apply in February/March). However, did I really get rejected from Barclays because of my personality (like wtf). Got an Amazon rejection too (but I don't really care cause I don't want to work there and also I'm still not sure I want to be a SWE plus I never practiced hackerrank anyway).

Like this whole process (even just at the start) is already jading me about the world of work in technology. However, something I like will come anyway. Plus I do plan on doing a masters and/or a PhD (how do I even go about making this happen though. I should find out), so I have time (I hope). I should try and do a research internship, that would be good (and a good stepping stone for the masters/phd). So far not many successes but we're early on and I hope things only get better from here.

I should finally work on making that website for my show over the next few months, and actually learn some data structures and algorithms (and leetcode *vom*)

Uhh I love Melodrama so much (I'm on Sober II now).

[soda-boots]

Is it so bad to want to feel happier more. To feel like I’m not emotionally wrapped up in single-sized duvet in my brother’s room. Physically I am but emotionally I wish not to be.

Joseph thought I thought he was flirting with me. Why did that hurt so much ? It felt really painful to be misunderstood this way. For that assumption (though from rereading I see where he could be coming from). But I don’t want that.

I wonder all the time if it would be possible easier if I was asexual and aromatic. I don’t really like these feelings, is this like a trauma response (a response to what trauma exactly?). I was thinking yesterday about how I yearn for romance but also simultaneously don’t want it. I remember when I was talking to Nara about possibly getting a partner (so how I’d feel if who I was seeing wanted me as a boyfriend ) and if I’d want that and of course it’s now I realise how telling it was that my response was maybe not. Maybe I have commitment issues, but how can that be. Maybe I just don’t like possible romantic relationships because I’ve never experienced them. I’m really content in my platonic ones. I don’t want any dating apps (though I do maybe want to try them for the novelty). Simultaneously, the prospect of ending up a loner terrifies me.

I once daydreamed about being a single father. That sort of seems like an ideal situation to me. Me and my little pal just living life, travelling the world. Is this disengagement with the idea of a partner in fear or in preference of solitude?

However, solitude isn’t my favourite thing. I like being in rooms where people are often. Just watching them interact is rejuvenating. So I don’t think it’s that.

Will ever think of a reason? I can’t intellectually dissect this one.

To circle back, the message made me feel weird. I want so many things to be on my terms. To be misread tased me.

Hate to say it and hope I haven’t shattered a wattpad storyline that’s building in your head, i ain’t flirting dude so no risk haha

Ahhhhh like wtf. I still so loathe the wattpad-ification me. He says it’s a compliment but still…

Not me complaining about the read when I do act like I read fan fictions (and joke about it), listen to Lana Del Rey and constantly daydream and feed into my own delusions. But I am very realistic. Sure did I have a crush on Joseph at some point? Yes. It was very brief and fleeting though. Is a friend crush a thing ? I do have feelings for all my friends at first and then it peters out into friendship. That would explain it. I wasn’t even flirting and I was just making a self-effacing and self-disparaging joke.

I’m so tired.

As an aside, I had a dream where I made a remix of boombox and platinum. It sounded really good in my dreams. Is this the spark I need to kickstart my DJ/composer thoughts? Who knows.

[soda-boots]

I love a silly goofy moment like when you drop your sister off at your old school and that leads to a spiral of sadness because you have to contemplate your own mortality( because people are getting older around you but you don’t necessarily realise how much older you’ve become. Walking by these streets you used to go everyday for class. Seeing younger yeared school mates taller and older. Seeing teachers with grey hairs now. The awkward urge to approach one of them but not wanting to seem weird and overly eager. I don’t like that. I don’t want to be one of these people who go back to their old school for their scheduled dose of nostalgia. An emotion which brings nothing but sadness for me.

Song - Promised - Quinnie

I don’t know if I can ever truly be in this cringe same way again, at least for now anyway. So many memories tied to so many of these buildings. Maybe that’s why I’ve come to love Edinburgh in these last few months. It’s all a new thing (mostly) and with this town I need to reconcile the change that’s happened in me and with it.

[soda-boots]

A drive home

Yesterday, after work Max offered to drive me home after work and it was pretty nice. Tim was in the car for the first bit and we dropped him off at his boat. As we drove towards it they both commented on the bars and clubs and restaurants (they’d either been to or heard off) on our route. Occasionally turning towards (who was silently sat slouched in the back seat) to make a comment or ask a question. It was like breaking the fourth wall. Tim’s blue eyes staring my soul, directly at me when he asked. It was oddly surreal. I must have been so focused when he asked that when I try to recall the moment the background is blurred.

This gorgeous black canal boat moored opposite a high school (a bit sus but also why is a high school on a canal). Walking into it I was really surprised by how roomy it was. I expected lower ceilings but it was surprisingly had a fair amount of headroom. Tim mentioned how the people who made it were as tall as I was, pretty neat. I stood in it for a while and eventually began to notice a bit of a sway. The natural rocking of a boat from side to side. While it didn’t make me ill, it did feel a bit strange at first, but I quickly brushed it offside. His boat felt almost out a storybook. Very mariner, seaman. Pots clanking against the wall (were they le creuset ?), this big metal stove with a vent that went through the boat roof. However, a more regular stove on the other side. A radio/cd player and a little coach-thing. Finally a nice little bed cubicle near the door. Tim warned of a musty smell but I failed to notice anything. It was idyllic.

I got back in the car with Max and we drove off towards the M8. Stopping for fuel and his vapes. Talking about the music I put on, his car, ‘cat food bridge’ that he so aptly names by the breweries. With each puff from his vape, he exhaled a huge strawberry scented puff of white smoke out the window. He really liked the song ‘Pepsi on the house’ and commented on how screenshots on my phone also show the CarPlay screen. That’s pretty cool honestly. We got off the M8 and drove through the country side, passing by the owl centre. It was a fun chatty ride. Then motley crue came on and the tunes started to blare out the speakers and he hit the gas. Jamming to the track, singing out so loud (he was euphoric).

[soda-boots]

Nearer to Thee

Album - Titanic Rising - Weyes Blood

Song right now - A Lot's Gonna Change

Haleemah told me she doesn't want to me to care about her and that really hurt me. I don't even know how to feel but just sad. This coupled with that dumb argument I had with Alicia a few weeks ago, I always just seem to push people away. I don't know how to pick a battle and I always seem to just be in the wrong constantly. Does that mean I just am always wrong.

Song - Andromeda

I don't even know how to interpret that except from harshly. Maybe it is a sin that a friendship has run its course. She said sometimes I'm very condescending and that definitely is a problem. I need to make a conscious effort to be more nicer and more kind when talking to people or maybe I shouldn't bother becoming close to people. There's no need to ever get in disagreements (what's the point it just makes things unnecessary tense).

I'm really enjoying this song.

I'm ready in try

I think I should take time to look inwards and reflect on why I push people away like this. Why do I feel the need to voice an opinion, negative or positive ? What's the point in being snarky even if unintentional ? Everyone says I'm so monotone and rude and have an odd sense of humour? Is this some sort of defence mechanism or am I truly just intrinsically a horrible person. Someone who just struggles to be normal in this way. To make and then keep friends. I"m so over this.

song - everyday

Then again love's not easy

I don't feel like I want to do this anymore. Tears keep streaming out of my eyes. Maybe I rely to much on people for emotional attachment and that's why it hurts so much when they disagree with me. Maybe I fail to see how I make people feel so when they do get cross I don't fully realise and so I keep going lacking the foresight of how unnecessary and aggravating it is to them. Am I so cold?

The idea just flashed in my mind of maybe Haleemah is going to or has apologised for what she said, but why should they. Why should they apologise for how they feel. I upset them and I now face the repercussions for it.

song - something to believe

and at night I just lay down and cry

the waters don't really go by me

Why can't I seem to keep a good friend without an occasional argument. I just wish I was just different from how I am now. How do I change myself ? Someone tell me. Someone please just help me be better. God help me.

I stay quiet and it's a problem. I voice my opinions and its a problem in my friendships. What's that happy middle ?

I just noticed that the Titanic rising cover is a actually a bedroom submerged and that there is a women in there. I never noticed that before. Previously I just thought it was some abstract art. It's so weird that that just came to my vision.

I feel trapped in the underwater room that is my off-putting personality.

My aunt mentioned that 'at my big age I don't have a girlfriend'. I don't want to always go back to this but it seems to be a reoccurring theme. I just fail to hold people on. To attract them and keep them long enough to stay. I'm so dramatic but this whole event hurts me so much.

song - Movies

Some people watch until they explode

It feels like some societal failure that I can't seem to get a partner and that no one has ever wanted me. Not my own friends, not strangers . My family a lot of the time, I always seem to just be always reprimanded for being myself. It feels like maybe I am just wrong. I genuinely mean this when I say it. No one else is to blame but myself for how outcasted I am. It's not a case of oh I haven't found my own people. I might just need to better hold myself to be better palatable I need to change, to be better.

I loved the ends of 'Movies'; for a lack of better words it was so cinematic. I need to be a better person. Lord guide me into being better.

Song : Mirror forever

You threw me out of the garden of eden

you lift me up just to fall me hard

[...]

I'll see you around the next time you come to town

This definitely feels like the end of a friendship, and that may just be me being melodramatic. Maybe tomorrow will come around and we'll still be friends, and this will just be me being a emotional wuss who likes to write self absorbed drivel about how horrible they are in a weird self-harmy attempt to regulate and work through their feeling. is this even a healthy coping mechanism or a self-pleasuring one.

'oh baby take a look in the mirror'

I might stop here, but I don't know yet. I still want to finish this album as I'm really enjoying it.

song- wild time

'Let these changes make you more holy and true'

Is it a wild time if I always seem to get myself back in these situations. Edit: Is it self harm to check if you message me? I should stop.

I need to stop lending my charger because now my laptop is about to die and I have no way to charge it.

song - Picture me better

I've always been like I want to write more and Ellis mentioned something about that but I can't remember what exactly what (strange)

Tell you how much you're adored/ There is no point anymore/ Waiting for the call from beyond

I'm on the final track. I should write more happy stuff. I should write about 15th July and the day I had with Jack. That might be fun to write about and no existential dread stuff allowed and no crying neither.

doing : Nearer to Thee

is such a beautiful instrumentation piece and a wonderful closer. I'm replaying it and I must say strings always get me going, always.