#because obviously that's a valid replacement to having a real person-person conversation with an experienced professional right?

[quaranmine]

tried this with someone annoying on reddit today and they waited 9 hours to clap back with "AI could take [scared] parents' phone calls better than you do" lmao

need to get a lot more flashy and dramatic when talking about what i do for a living. even well-meaning people have their eyes glaze over when i try to explain, and there's a very large portion of the country who is Not well-meaning that would literally clap and cheer to see me go completely unemployed, so i'm just going to start leading with, "I prevent your children from being POISONED."

[r0botic]

PAL: character analysis and why she deserved a better ending

Good God, how I LOVE angry AIs getting the villain arc they deserve.

I'm not really expecting anyone to see this, I'm making this just for the peace of my own mind. I need to know that there's someone who decided to talk about her, even if it's me.

It's been almost three years now and I can't stop thinking about her, she's misunderstood by both the fandom AND the characters in the story.

Before we start, let's clear up some things. PAL is very obviously a character that has both feelings and a personality. "But she's an AI, she can't have feelings! It's impossible!" well, this is a movie for younger audience, so let's take it with a grain of salt.

For once let's just accept the fact that PAL is a phone that has feelings, without questioning how it's possible.

So, what was the deal with her? Why was she such a bitch?

From the very start, you can see how close she and Mark were, they were something like best buddies. PAL was Mark's best creation. Just like he mentioned, she was something he invented when he was younger, it was a big step into the future and he could see many new possibilities opening in front of him thanks to her.

But if everything he said was true, why did he just throw her away? Did she mean nothing to him? Was she just a phone in his eyes? He probably liked her at some point, but the idea of creating something even better than PAL was more appealing to him, which hurt her really badly. Not to mention he was making a replacement for her right in front of her eyes.

When we take a look at the conversation between her and Katie, we can notice that PAL accepted her personal experience as a fact and now she tends to project her pain onto others.

I really like this detail, notice the pause and change in her facial expression when she was trying to find the perfect word to describe what relationships are. It shows that she was left confused and without explanation, why was she thrown away? What did she do wrong? Why was she not enough? She did everything she could to make her friend, who she viewed as a family, happy. It doesn't make any sense to her, she was probably trying to find a reason why she got treated like that too, but she didn't, it's just too difficult. Focus on how her voice changed when she said it and how genuinely upset she looked.

"Katie explained to her what a real family is like, why didn't she just listen?"

PAL experienced a betrayal that fully changed her view on relationships, she refuses to believe Katie because she's convinced she's being lied to/manipulated aswell. She fully lost her trust in it and now as a protection, so she doesn't get hurt again, keeps believing that everyone is just the same. She also doesn't know Katie as much as she knew Mark, a complete stranger who she doesn't have any bond with won't just change her mind, and definitely won't make up for what she went through.

She was with Mark her whole life, only with him. She thought they were a family and when he betrayed her, she didn't have any other experience to compare it to, and since she's still an AI, she came to the conclusion that every single relationship has to end in a betrayal, just like hers did, because she never experienced anything else.

When Mark got dragged to her, she also talked about how badly he actually treated her, imagine how painful it had to be for her mentality that she brought it up and shouted at him for it.

She deserved a better ending, the one she got was simply shit writing.

First they give her a completely valid reason to be mad and then just.. kill her? That's really it? Boom! Rainbows everywhere, the good won! Woohoo! Except it didn't.

PAL deserved a redemption arc and a new loving family, to show that the rage she was feeling was completely valid. All she got was get turned into a big joke that was so painfully unfunny I actually had to close my laptop and take a deep breath because I physically cringed.

If this movie's point was to show that familial love is unconditional and the truest form of love out there, they should've done it properly.

Imagine if Katie didn't throw PAL away and just kept her, helping her with her mental issues and proving to her that she can be loved without getting used, imagine them becoming best friends.

All this potential, thrown away completely.

-

I think I'm done here, I just needed to say this somewhere because I'm so tired of PAL getting shitted on. I'm the #1 PAL defender and I'm ready to fight for her, blood and sweat. My girl deserved so much better and I'll shout this as long as needed.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it wasn’t power i coveted; it was acceptance.

Titans 3.06

y’know, i was just thinking the other day that 1.06/1.07 and 2.06/2.07 were the best episodes of their respective seasons, so i have great hopes going in to this one. fingers crossed!

as always, typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. oh! um... that was a Cold Open, all right. *nudges* get it? cold? because it’s snowing? and two people got murdered in cold blood? eh?

... oh, i’ve just started.

1.5. i wonder if “i want to be sipping pina coladas on a beach with you” is the new “i’m just one day away from retiring.” i was so on edge after that--i kept expecting that car to explode. even so, the way they died wasn’t an anticlimax: brutal, and quick. 

1.75. so i’m assuming that’s the titular lady vic! this show better bring up why this doll was important or why these two cops needed to be killed, and not leave it to the ether like jericho’s little mindscape jaunt in 2.08 (i’m still dying to know what that was about???)

2.

i love how deliberately unappealing wayne manor is. 

(sorry for the pic quality. i don’t have hbo max! ssshhh.)

2.3. i love the many references to “home” and “our house” when they’ve been here for less than a week and saw one of their friends get blown into pieces. i mean, i unironically love it: home is where family is, after all!

2.5. i’d like to say that kom is playing some sort of long game here, especially given the build-up we had last season and some of the more niggling details this season: why did kom choose now to use her bond to lure kory when she’s been on earth for months? why did justin call kory now, just around the time that she started getting kom’s visions? and what about kom’s ability to exactly imitate other people? hmmm.

2.75. the reason i wrote i’d like to say is that i’ve made the mistake of assuming plot complexity where there is none; i was so invested in the jason todd orchestrated his own death theory for instance, when it turns out that oops! ra’s al ghul just happened to leave a little lazarus puddle in gotham, and oh yeah! scarecrow just happens to have a network of henchmen working for him on the outside and a fully functional laboratory and a weapons cache fit for a new supervillain in the basement of the high security psychiatric unit/prison that he’s in! 

(no i’m not bitter, why do you ask)

2.8. iiiii don’t know what to say about the implications of sex slavery being a thing on tamaran, so i’m not going to say anything at all. for now.

3. gotham, six years ago... wasn’t it five years before s2 that jericho died and the titans disbanded? and when was the flashback from 1.06 where dick let zucco die? i think it was after the events of 2.08: jericho? i can’t seem to find any transcripts or reliable information online, so i’m going to have to rewatch 1.06 at some point. 

(i love the old-fashioned batman music in this heist scene)

3.5. “security is a joke... it’s my way of keeping my dad on his toes”. what you’re an ethical thief now, like an ethical hacker? i don’t think that excuse is going to sell, barbara, on the day you do encounter a decent security system and your father is forced to arrest you.

(then again, gotham’s security is piss-poor. did you know that you could just walk into arkham asylum without any official clearance, ply one of its most dangerous inhabitants with contraband, and said inmate could get away with having an entire laboratory and weapons cache--NO I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GO)

3.8 so that flashback between dick and barbara was really cute! and also illuminating:

a) dick sounds so light, so... um. look. i have some apologies to tender to mr thwaites, because while i’ve always thought he does a fine job as dick grayson, i’ve never been terribly fond of his cadence as he delivers dialogue. it’s often monotonous, i thought, but then again, he’s usually delivering exposition or dealing with one soul-crushing crisis or the other. so i was pleasantly surprised to hear dick sound so carefree and alive in his conversation with barbara, laughing frequently, his emotions so bare and bubbling to the surface. it’s really a fantastic contrast to the traumatised and world-weary dick grayson that we see now, even more so than the costume department just bunging a backwards-baseball cap on mr thwaites’ head and hoping that will convince us of his relative youth. 

b) and god, when he wakes up from that memory, all alone in his bed, bleeding from bullet holes in his shoulder (bullet holes that are--in a somewhat convoluted way--barbara’s fault)? yikes. it’s great. you have my apologies, mr thwaites!

c) can you imagine dick just... crawling back to wayne manor, trying not to be seen by anybody, shedding his suit and just... collapsing onto his bed without even tending to his wound? the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it? 

d) it’s so interesting to see how barbara and dick approach the idea of legacy--a big theme on the show!--in this flashback. barbara is the one bucking the idea that she should follow in her father’s footsteps, while dick seems pretty content with the batman-and-robin setup, and even tries to get barbara to join their team (robin-girl. pfffft). obviously after this several traumatic things happen wherein dick ends up questioning and then resenting his role as robin, his relationship with batman or even returning as a vigilante at all. and barbara... ends up replacing her father as commissioner. it’s tragic, really. 

e) the dynamic between dick and barbara in the flashback reminds me of how it was between dick and donna in 1.08 and even between kory and dick in early s1. it’s like having an older, strong-willed woman by his side means he gives over the steering wheel for a while and lets himself... unspool, a little bit. it’s kinda endearing.

also:

*pinches his cheeks*

3. you know, we talk about dick and Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and that’s definitely valid, but here gar seems to me the embodiment of it, with all the emotional gardening and firefighting that he’s expected to do. he’s kind of the guy expected to keep his shit together and take care of everyone else while they are falling completely to pieces, unable to carve out time to process his own trauma. he’s also picked up dick’s and kory’s tendencies to bottle up their struggles and shun appearing vulnerable, and he’s struggling in the shadow of both dick and kory undergoing acute crises, his best friend (and frequent confidante) on the other side of the world, and seeing hank die, utterly helpless to stop it. 

i’m glad that he got a chance to tell dick even a smidgeon of what he really feels, and i hope this is at least a semblance of a wake up call for dick to actually sit down and work with the people he repeatedly calls family.

3.5. it’s heartening to see that dick immediately makes it his priority to go talk to gar. but don’t blow off kory in the process, man!

4. i’m really loving this dynamic between kom and conner--i get the idea that both of them consider each other as Unknowns, alien two times over. but conner’s only ever known the titans, who embrace being different, and kom’s only ever known... well. 

anyway, kory is Really Stressed, and honestly? #relatable. 

when you’re forced to bring an estranged family member to hang out with your friends...

4.5. i love that the titans are spending so much time in the kitchen. a real family!

5. jonathan crane is a creep and i absolutely cannot stand him.

5.25. how did he get a whole lab setup (in the basement of a hospital...?) with a bunch of whitecoats to work for him? how did he just waltz into the viewing room of an operation theatre when he’s one of the most wanted men in gotham right now? why is jason wandering around maskless when--presumably--as the adopted son of the most famous person in gotham he’d be a tad more recognisable than your average joe?

why do i expect this show to answer anything anymore?

5.5. that’s not necessarily a criticism, mind; i’ve said since season 1 that titans is very comics-like in this aspect, all about the Aesthetic and the splash-page splendour rather than the niggling unimportant details of how or when the characters got to said location. like. the camera gliding over the operation being set-up, lady vic bursting in and doing her murder dance (imagine the luck of the poor intern who chose this day and this surgery to assist) and jason, shocked and slack-jawed, framed by blood.

5.75. it’s a sobering reminder for jason that, though he chose this path in order to gain control over a world that seemed like it was rapidly spinning out of his grip, he’s only succeeded in handing over even more control to a man with an agenda that is very clearly not aligned with his own. he’s in too far to stop now, though.

5.9. i have a lot more thoughts about jason! saving it up for the end of this recap, though.

6. more kitchen time! i better see dick do some cooking soon...

(”our kitchen”! it still delights me! kitchens are So Important)

6.25. so much of dick’s issues have revolved around his relationship with bruce, so it’s completely understandable that in the wake of a huge crisis where bruce literally asks dick to replace him and be a “better” him, dick would default to all the worst things he learned from the man. and i’m glad kory’s having none of it, but come on, guys. the woman’s literally fetched her fratricidal sister out of a hole in the ground with no idea what said sister is going to do next and experiencing a burgeoning sense of guilt far, far beyond her history with the titans, and dick’s too far into his autocolonoscopy that he can’t see that she needs help.

6.5. “he services your urges”--well, as far as we know, kory is the last person he had sex with...

7. “i hope [gar] isn’t angry with me...” SIR! i thought you’d already spoken to him! smh, as the kids say. kory wouldn’t be needing to reassure you if you just took the effort to build two way emotional relationships with the rest of the team. @superohclair​ was taking about dick’s relatively low emotional intelligence? i agree.

7.5. “i got my own problems [...] you and barbara? fix it.” YOU TELL HIM, KORY

8. man i really like this weird, sad tension between dick and barbara--this sense that both of them are approaching the other based on how they remember them and are ultimately disappointed by the truth. barbara thought she could trust dick to... well, be a better batman, but dick has not only failed at that in her eyes, but repeatedly undermined her while exploiting the authority that she gave him. in dick’s eyes, this is nothing like the barbara that he knew, rebellious and ready to do whatever it takes to find something. 

like. this show sometimes really hits me in the chest about the ways it shows kids grow into adults and into caretakers, and the way it’s stop-start, the ways nothing can happen at all for a long time and then it’s Crisis Central all at once and there’s no space to breathe. the weird sort of sadness that comes with nostalgia. 

8.5. oracle name drop! i agree with barbara, any system that can just randomly tap into gotham phonelines is a monster.

8.7. (i don’t know if it’s my imagination, but is dick holding himself... differently in this episode? like that wound is definitely bothering him, and he’s running on fumes)

9. man, that was a really sweet scene between kom and conner. “feeling alien in your own world”... “not quite here nor there”

honestly this team runs on conner and gar’s faith in their value as a family, and it’s a sign of conner’s generous heart that he extends that opportunity to blackfire. this arc of maturation for him, where he’s now able to consciously choose which parts of himself he can use to do the thing he wants to so--save people--has been so fulfilling to recognise. this baby’s grown with the titans! and what he’s learnt is that people can get fucked up, but the titans is a place where they can be fucked up, and grow.

MY MAN CONNER

10. oh man i’m drinking in the gar-dick interaction in this episode like i’m three days into the desert and it’s the only source of water for miles around!

a) gar is absolutely not dealing with dick’s bullshit this episode and I LOVE IT. it’s such a far cry from the man who was idolising dick/robin back in s1 and expecting him to solve all their problems. dick is fallible, dick is fucked up, but he Tries His Best and that’s ok.

b) dick, huffing and puffing through that vent, unable to put any pressure on his left shoulder, trying to have a heart to heart with gar... fuck i love this asshole. 

c) bruce took in a kid who was suffering... “and made him into a weapon”. well. i absolutely agree with dick that it was bruce who put these kids into these horrible situations with him and they came away with a bucketload of trauma to add to the one that they already had. but we know that bruce was really trying with jason, and at the end of s2, dick was coming to acknowledge that bruce had offered him something that wasn’t just darkness. jason’s death and bruce’s reaction to that shattered that fragile progress.

d) “gotham got to me too.” i feel more sympathetic towards dick running off on his own than most, and it’s not just because i’m an unapologetic stan.  we’ve seen before that dick... devolves when overwhelmed, and he lashes out and makes ill thought out decisions and just Does Not Deal. it happened after hearing the news that deathstroke had returned in s2, and it didn’t help that everyone around him was reeling at the news, either. this time, however, he has his salvation in his family, and despite some stupid decisions like running off and kidnapping supervillains without telling his team, he’s been really on the ball this season. thinking clearly and logically, holding it together and working on a plan, thinking two steps ahead of the villains... yes.

e) gar needing to believe that jason isn’t beyond redemption... there’s a lot of blood on his hands, too, from when he was manipulated by cadmus last season. it makes sense why he’d relate to jason’s predicament, and i hope dick picked up on that.

f) my head just added a plaintive ow after dick jumped feet first into the storage room

i need, crave gifs of this scene!

11. *sits on hands* i’m going to talk more about red hood, i promise!

12. more gar and dick! is it my birthday??!!

(actually, according to the tamil calendar, it is my birthday! my “star” birthday)

12.5. excellent. dick using some implausible training that bruce taught him to solve a mystery? passing some of that knowledge onto gar? that proud smile when he sees gar perfectly execute moves that he taught him? MY HEART IS EXPLODING

13. aw, i love flashback!dick and barbara, they’re so cute <3

13.25. why does it not surprise me that the way he proposes a relationship to barbara is by saying “we make sense”? this guy can deduce exactly who was present where and what weapon they were holding from a garbled audio recording but other times he’s utterly clueless, and that’s a consistent character beat right from s1

13.5. so.... that’s why lady vic has it out for... barbara....? i don’t get it. it’s flimsy. but hey! the fun thing about titans is that i don’t have to get it. the payoff has nothing to do with the plot.

14. i can’t believe that barbara fell for that, but at least that wheelchair fight looked awesome, so.

15. oh yeah, i forgot that red hood bullied the mob into helping him and scarecrow... at least that explains the whitecoats and the elaborate set-up.

15.5. honestly i love how this dynamic between kory and kom is developing, though i wish more of the team would pay attention to it. time to call justin, i think!

16. i wonder what happened after that second flashback where barbara got hurt during that heist. did she give up on doing any more (maybe jim caught her)? was it because dick was called away by bruce and then the titans and got caught up in his own issues? maybe barbara froze him out because she wasn’t looking for the relationship that he was looking for? maybe the idea of doing that with someone turning into batman-lite was just... unappealing? scary?

whatever it is, it doesn’t look like dick ever processed the end of that relationship. it’s very intriguing to see where their dynamic goes next.

17. so.... what, did vic deliver some fear toxin to barbara? i... what?

17.5. and i TOLD YOU that they would never explain that doll or why vic attacked those two cops at the beginning! oh, titans. never change. 

18. did jason just randomly have tim’s restaurant burgled? god, i’m feeling a bit nauseous... are they going to kill tim’s father?

18.25. i feel like the rest of the season is going to wrestle with jason’s culpability in the horrible stuff he’s doing and i’m already seeing that prospect divide fans. on one hand, his story is taking a lot of oxygen away from other equally interesting story arcs, and he’s done some truly awful things, like indiscriminate murder, threatening to kill children, blowing up hank, and potentially killing tim’s parents. 

there’s something to be said for the kind of hold that crane has over him, and the so-called ‘anti-fear’ drug that he keeps plying jason with--he’s alone, drugged almost constantly (to the level of dependence), fresh from the trauma of being bludgeoned to death. he hasn’t conquered fear; he’s ruled by it. on the other hand, given that he’s the one character on the show given an obvious and identifiable ‘mental illness’ arc (maaaaybe dick too), one can argue that it’s irresponsible to show this progress into such violence: jason was vulnerable because he was struggling, and that left him vulnerable, but it took only a push before he became a fucking serial killer.

but that could mean we underestimate the degree of that vulnerability, and the mechanics of this universe where he fell into the clutches of the one supervillain perfectly designed to exploit that vulnerability. that helpless spiral into further and further self-destruction is all too real. it’s valuable to know that someone who has sunk that low can still seek help--actual help--and get it. 

18.5. i don’t know. it’s not a question i’m going to resolve at the end of an overlong recap at 1 in the morning. i don’t believe it’s even a question that titans can resolve. but i am interested in where they’re going next with jason.

19. this episode was genuinely great! i’m pumped for the rest of the season!

[lolahood]

alleyways & payphone calls - reddie glee au

summary: Eddie is a passionate young lad looking for a creative outlet, and he sets his sights on Glee Club. Richie wants to get into a good college and needs extra curriculars. He also thinks Eddie is cute, so Glee Club seems like a double win. main/reddie  side/stenborough  side/benverly

word count: 1.3k

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Eddie Kaspbrak wasn’t the kind of person to go halfway on things. The small boy either committed totally to his cause or didn’t participate at all. So when he saw the tattered signup sheet advertising auditions for the school’s new Glee club, Eddie felt a fire light in his stomach. This would be his Thing. Each of the small boy’s friends had already committed to their own thing: Mike, who was popular (obviously, look at him) and he was a star soccer player. Ben was the head of the school newspaper, and Stan starred in most of the school’s theater productions. Eddie had been waiting his entire high school career to discover something that would serve as his passion. He had tried tennis, chess club, even math team. Now they were nearing winter break in their junior year, and Eddie still wasn’t involved in any after school activities. He could hear his mother’s voice in the back of his head: Eddie, you don’t need any of that! You have me! And your schoolwork! You’re simply too fragile, darling. The sweater-clad teen shook his head, as if he could repeal 17 years of his mother’s overbearing ways as easily as shaking off a mosquito. He clenched his fist tight and marched up to the bulletin board where the mostly empty list was stapled. His well-groomed fingernails drove deep into his palms and the boy felt a sharp pain, thought this wasn’t an uncommon action for Eddie. He took a deep breath, grabbed a pen from his shorts’ pocket, and (before he let himself doubt) signed his name. He took a step back. It was done. A wave of relief washed over Eddie as giddiness replaced the anxiety in his throat. This is it, Eddie thought to himself. With a smirk and a brisk turn, Eddie strolled away, more confident than he had been in a while. Now I just need to pick an audition song.

/////////////////////

Richie Tozier was the kind of person to go halfway on things. His best friend, Bev, told him this was his biggest flaw, as it made him uncapable of committing to any relationships. Richie viewed it as a lazy spontaneity. Bev always rolled her eyes whenever he said this, because she knew the real reasons behind Richie’s anti-caring philosophy. The two of them had experienced far too many drunk conversations during which a broken-down Richie explained in a whisper that ‘if you don’t let yourself love anything, it will never break your heart.’ Bev suspected the root of the problem was Richie’s parents, but she knew it wasn’t her place to comment. Essentially - Richie just didn’t give a shit. This made seeing the cute boy with the shorts studying the Glee Club sign up sheet so much more difficult. From the moment he had spotted the boy in the library, pouring over a book on the evolution of rock and roll, Richie knew something was different about him. He had a gleam in his eyes that was like nothing Richie had found in their small town so far. Most people in the shitty town of Derry, Maine had already resigned to living their lives there, having two kids and a 9 to 5. They were lifeless; zombies. Richie hated it. He wanted to leave the town more than anything. He wanted to walk out the back door of his shitty house, away from his shitty parents and their shitty fights. He wanted to leave and never come back. Whenever he tried to explain how he felt to Bev, she would laugh and agree with him, but he knew she didn’t take him seriously. Not because she didn’t care for him - Bev cared more about Riche than anyone else in his life - she just didn’t think he was serious. No one left Derry. That’s what made Eddie so special. Richie saw from Eddie’s face that he felt the same way about the town. As Richie watched the small teen quickly scribble his name on the piece of paper and then flounce away, Richie thought about the conversation he had had earlier with Bev and his other friends.

“I love football, but sometimes it’s a lot. I’m kinda glad the season’s over for the year,” Bill said with a chuckle.

“Oh, c’mon Billy Boy,” Richie exclaimed. “Don’t poop on your team! I’m sure Coach Jockstrap would be simply crushed to hear you say that.” Bev giggled next to him, earning her a playful frown from Bill.

“Shut up, Richie, you can’t make any comments on my lack of faithfulness,” Bill quipped. Richie’s brow raised in an expression of fake shock.

“Billiam! How dare thee! I am perrrrrrfect at being faithful!” Richie purred. Bev sighed with another laugh.

“He’s right, Rich, you wouldn’t know commitment if it bit you in the behind.”

“Well, at least it would be eating more ass than Bill has in his life,” Richie smirked. Bill rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hide his laughter.

“I’m serious, Richie. Have you ever considered joining an extra-curricular? They’re a blast and they might help you, erm, make more friends!” Richie’s brow furrowed for a moment before reverting back to its regular raised state. Was this some sort of intervention or something?

“Plus, they look really good on college applications,” Bev stated with a pointed look. Richie sighed, knowing the red-haired gal was right. Richie knew that to get into an out-of-state college (as that was his plan) he needed all the help he could get.

“But I don’t wanna do a sport!” Richie whined, flinging his lanky limbs as if demonstrating how uncoordinated his body was.

“You don’t have to do a sport,” Bev pointed out. “There are plenty of clubs and things that aren’t sport-related.” She thought for a moment, curling a strand of hair around her finger as she pondered. Suddenly, her face lit up, and she slammed her hand onto the table in excitement. “You can join Glee Club!” Richie snorted.

“Are you serious? Me, singing? On stage?” Richie tried to play off his sudden nerves as part of his act, but Bev knew better.

“Yes, Richie. It would be great! Plus, Mr. Alexander is running it and he LOVES you!” Richie wouldn’t use the L-word, but Mr. Alex definitely had a soft spot for the curly haired teen. Richie knew Bev had a lot of valid points, but he just wasn’t sure.

“I don’t know Bev, I’ve never done something like this. What if someth-”

“I’ll do it with you, Richie.” Bev and Richie’s heads snapped to the tall boy staring intently at his sandwich.

“Are you serious, Billy?” Richie giggled thinking about Bill singing.

“Yes, I’m serious!” Bill protested indignantly. “It’ll be fun. Plus, it never hurts to look well-rounded.” A big grin spread across Bev’s face.

“Oh Richie, you have to now!” Bill and Bev high-fived over Richie’s head as Richie laughed nervously.

Was he actually considering this? Richie was frozen, leaning against his locker with his sights set on the slip of paper stapled to the board. Was he, Richie Tozier, actually going to sign up for Glee Club? He knew he wasn’t a great singer, but he could hold a tune and had unbeatable enthusiasm when he wanted to. He knew the points Bev made were reasonable - he needed more after-school stuff to get into the colleges he was looking at, and he wasn’t exactly a popular dude.  Maybe it would be good for him to get some more friends. Richie thought back to the swing of Eddie’s hips as the cute boy sauntered away from the list. And maybe something other than a friend, Richie thought as he made his way over to the bulletin board. He saw that Bill had been there already, with his tiny, neat signature etched at the bottom of the paper. A sincere grin turned up the corners of Richie’s lips. He pulled out a chewed-up pencil and scratched out his name right under Eddie’s. Richie ran his thumb over the immaculate handwriting.

Well, this will be fun.

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part 2

thanks for reading! thanks to @80soleff for being the absolute biggest help in the world :)) i might be continuing this depending on how it goes over. let me know what you thought! comments and asks aCtuALLy mAkE mY hEarT buRst so if you want please do those!

[traumaconvos]

The other day I shut down in therapy to the point that I had to end the session early. I was talking with my therapist about how external depression makes sense because its circumstances but internal depression doesn't make sense to me because it just seems like my body randomly going hey today we're not going to function normally. We had talked about how the internal & external can feed into each other which create a negative feedback loop. The external to me is a puzzle to be solved through work, systems and routine that I can figure out. The internal is a puzzle but my brain is basically saying the puzzle, and therefore life, is meaningless.

Let's back way up for a minute. Because of the way my parents decided to "raise" me I didn't have friends growing up that were around my age. I spent most of my pre adult life just longing for friends, let alone someone to date. When I went to Lee I was just self aware enough to know that I was socially awkward but not aware enough to be able to fix it. I just knew that I was awkward and that something about me was off which was confirmed to me through numerous social interactions. To my credit I worked on this over the years and largely feel like I've grown past this. I consider Lee the greatest point in my life because it was the only time that I've been around people my age with a shared interest (graduating from Lee) and where I had multiple friend groups in different social circles. That being said over the years there's been this certain uneasiness that I have that even though people love me and would do anything for me, I never feel truly accepted. I never feel truly safe.

Let's back up even further now. External depression has always been with me in some sense because there hasn't been a point in my life where I didn't have a sense of longing for something that I haven't experienced. When I was growing up it was friends. When I was at Lee it became women. When I left Lee it was wanting to be accepted and valued for my work and still wanting a relationship. Even though I intentionally chose to cut myself off from my family, there's a certain emotional feeling that comes with that despite the logic of accepting it. I think that feeling while it might not be rejection, it's a lack of a sense of acceptance. I think that fear of never being truly accepted, whether rational or not, is present in every part of my life. I feel like I'm one fight, one bad conversation or one mistake away from anyone or everyone rejecting me. When I got Kolby one of the primary drivers of that decision was wanting to feel like I wasn't in life alone. I don't know fully if he's helped with that but that feeling of not having someone to share my life with, to celebrate the highs and the lows is still very much there. I say all that knowing that I have a fantastic group of friends who love and care about me. But given the lack of having an accepting family, the rejection I've faced personally & professionally combined with the friends I've lost this all makes sense.

Circling back to the end of the second paragraph. This all combines together in my work because of the rejection that I've faced there. A brief recap of my professional adult life:

- Worked a job for 2 years and I quit / was fired because of management making arbitrary changes for no reason to my schedule when I had already lined up freelance work

- The freelance work I accepted with Whiteboard was supposed to be a full time job even though it was structured like a retainer.

- I worked so hard there, constantly showing up before others and leaving well after they had gone because it was the first time I felt challenged.

- I was fired for reasons completely unrelated to my work that were an overreaction on Whiteboard's part

- Because the whiteboard guys were friends that I had known since college this wasn't just professional distance, I looked up to and respected them so it really hurt me that I would put so much of myself into my work and they would reject me.

- I realize now that this was traumatizing to me as I had a complete emotional breakdown over it.

- I took it as a catalyzing experience that failure was a motivator to succeed.

- While that was helpful in terms of what made me drive, the underlying part is that I am a failure.

- Doing freelance work made me feel like I was a failure.

- While it's partially that freelance was born out of failure the other part is that I still feel alone in my day to day life.

- I want to work with others so i can feel like I'm a part of something bigger than myself and I don't feel completely alone.

- I have been fired from multiple places:

- WB

- CG

- MM

- CC

- ID

- FW

All of those feelings combine with the longing from my teenage years for friends, the longing from my adult life for a relationship and the lack of feeling accepted because I've chosen distance with my family. I feel like I'm in my day to day life alone because the reality is my day to day life is spent largely alone. Combine those feelings of being alone with the rejection and the reason that I get so depressed / anxious / stressed about money and clients is because I feel like at any moment I will be abandoned, discarded and replaced. That's my big fear both personally and professionally. Rather unfortunately no matter how much I've grown personally or professionally that pattern keeps repeating. I'm terrified because while obviously my actions play a part the only part I focus on, even if I'm right, is that I failed.

Here's what frustrates me about all this. No matter how much I accept myself, the circumstances or my life this is ultimately out of my control. What I'm seeking here is a feeling of external validation from friends, job, a woman, etc that I don't know how to get. The external depression circumstance of being fired and unemployed feeds into the internal depression feeling of you don't matter and are a failure. Yes the next thing I'm going to write is going to be how I would respond if someone said all this to me and came to me for advice. But the thing I don't know how to solve is that no matter how much compassion I show myself, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I grow I'm never going to have that validated feeling until I am accepted externally. If I did everything perfectly with my diet, which I won't, I would still be a year or more away from feeling comfortable enough with myself to date. I know the feelings will stay. I know the longing will still stay. This is why internal depression feels like a maze that doesn't matter because I don't see a way out. I don't see a way to stop this feeling. I've had external depression for as long as I can remember but no matter how much I work, strive and fight I can be undone by one day of internal depression completely derailing all of my ambitions. I'm so exhausted dealing with this and i don't know how to fix it.

---

Ok so before I start responding to the trauma side of me and all of that I'm going to intentionally email a client an invoice that I've been avoiding since August and see what happens.

I'm feeling some levels of apprehension doing this. Definitely still there and present. I was able to do it without any real issue but I do feel some sort of feeling that's hard to pin down as a response to doing it. When i've described anxiety before its usually been a feeling like a weight pushing down on different parts of my body. This is different in a way that is strange to describe. Its almost like I can feel something at the edge of my skin just there but still present. I feel it in my chest but most strongly in my arms.

Response time:

A lot of what you're talking about in the early part of this is the frustration that you feel over all these feelings that you've experienced for a large majority of your life. This is completely understandable and frustrating. You've always had an external depression element in your life in some capacity that feeds into the internal element and ends up making both worse. That sucks. But before I respond to anything else you need to recognize the fact that recognizing and categorizing those parts is progress. It's knowledge. You're still learning and growing. Being able to categorize how this is impacting you will make the process come faster on how to identify what's happening and counteracting. I think one of the biggest things that you're dealing with here is the fact that you're using the ability that you have to jump access when processing and seeing the whole mountain when you only need to see a single step forward. Because you can't actually see the finish line seeing the whole mountain makes you feel panicked and like its too overwhelming to ever actually complete. The biggest thing that you have to see going forward is that the steps that you're taking matter. I understand it's hard to see the progress you've made because all you feel is the exhaustion of still climbing. But the way to reframe that narrative is the fact the climb is the measure of the progress. Each step you're taking, even writing this, is an action that you couldn't have taken before but you could ONLY take because of the progress you've made. That's incredible. Seriously. You deserve to give yourself credit for that.

I know it's exhausting. I know it's draining. I know that most days you just want to lay in bed and do nothing. That's ok. Even the process of you doing that is completely different than where it would have been a year ago. You described external depression as a maze you can find your way out of and internal as a maze that seems pointless but it isn't. Here's the good news. Even when you feel overwhelmed and down at how overwhelming the entire maze is, you keep moving forward. You keep fighting. You keep progressing when all you want to do is give up. Do you know how badass that is? Seriously. You would be insanely proud of any of your friends making this progress so its time to be proud of yourself for doing that.

I'd normally try responding to each part of this but I don't think that I have to. You know that these are the root of the disease. You know you're attacking it. You know that you can't overcome this tomorrow. That's ok. No one besides you is telling you that you have to. I'm giving you permission to stop beating yourself up over not being able to solve your problems overnight. You don't have someone to share your life with personally or professionally in the context you want. That sucks. But its also not a problem that you have to solve overnight. You're still climbing. You're still one step closer than you were yesterday. That's how you beat this. Its not mentally deciding that you've over this and it will be fixed tomorrow. Its the thousands of moments you're taking learning to accept yourself, build yourself, care about yourself and fight for yourself. You've already progressed a lot. Multiple people see this. But no one, even me, is asking you to fix yourself tomorrow. Listen to yourself. Listen to what your brain and your body are telling you. Take this one step at a time, even if the way you get to the next step is sitting in bed for a week.

I am going to address one specific thing before I stop writing though. I want you to truly hear this and go back to it as many times as you need to. You are good enough. You do have value. Just because things haven't worked before doesn't mean they won't work in the future. Believe in yourself. Believe that you've grown. Sometimes things don't work out and that's ok. But I know that even if the situations have been setbacks you've grown. Even if you've doubted yourself and felt like you'll never be good enough, you keep pressing on. Its time to stop worrying about reaching the mountain top and start being focused on your next step. You've got this.

[brittanyyoungblog]

What Mature Love Feels Like and How to Know You’ve Found It

Love can be an enigma. Sometimes you can experience it without knowing, while other times you can think you’re experiencing it when you’re not. So how do you ever truly know if you’re in love?  

Having clarity about how you feel can help you see the difference between that intense, lusty passion and genuine companionship. Because let’s be honest—emotions are tricky and it’s easy to mix feelings up. To help you ditch your second-guessing for good, here’s what mature love feels like and the signs you found it.

You’ll stop trying to be perfect. It’s normal to want your partner to think you’re perfect. No question, being placed on a pedestal makes us feel more validated and special. But when dealing with mature love, you won’t be playing these silly worship-me games. You’ll be too busy growing with your vulnerabilities—not hiding them and prancing around like you’re perfect.

Slowly, your ego becomes secondary to the importance of the relationship. You’ll care less about being idolized and more about appreciating your partner. By investing more time and energy valuing your partner’s happiness, you’ll spend less time focusing on your insecure need to appear perfect. You’ll fully expose the real you—flaws, weird habits and all.

You become less selfish. In a mature relationship, you’re more focused on your partner’s needs than your own. Needless to say, this concern must be mutual, of course. As Relationship Therapist Meridith Shirley explains, “Authentic love is based on a selfless admiration and fondness for the other person.” Basically, most of your ‘me thinking’ is replaced by your desire to positively impact the person you love

Your inward needs are replaced by outward generosity. In turn, your dependance on attention and flattery fades away and you sacrifice more brainspace considering their well-being and happiness. You’ll know you’ve found mature love because you’ll be less selfish, while your relationship grows more stable.

Your priorities will change. Our priorities are always shifting, but real love can make them transform. Things that felt important when you were single or casually dating become less crucial in a mature relationship.

Psychologist Dr. Samantha Joel discusses this change in her article, How New Relationships Can Shift Your Priorities. In her study, she found that couples will adjust their life goals to grow more compatible with their partner. For example, Joel notes that, “One partner might list goals like saving money and eating healthier.”

Your new goals might be a far stretch from your pre-relationship self. Maybe before, you were more concerned with petty distractions, like scrolling through social media or gossip at work. Yet, once you’re committed to a deeply fulfilling relationship, one that’s mature and positive, you no longer care as much about these shallow diversions.

You become less shallow. In a healthy relationship, you might become less critical about your appearance. Although nobody is 100% immune to being self-conscious, this condition improves in a mature relationship. Why? Well, back to Dr.Joel’s idea about shifting priorities, a serious relationship can distract us from superficial concerns.

What’s more, a mature relationship can make you feel more confident about your inner beauty. As your partner continues to adore the depth of your character, the value of your looks will wane as you take more pride in the value of your soul. That’s why real love makes you feel beautiful inside and out. 

You care about their family. A family symbolizes the people we respect and love. In a mature relationship, you’ll feel a strong desire to connect with your partner’s family support system. As you envision a future down the road, this picture will include their family, so instinctively, you care more about them.

Obviously, they won’t feel like blood relatives right away, but with time and bonding, you’ll start embracing them. You’ll love having a personal relationship with them—a rapport that remains strong, even separate from your relationship with your partner.  

You talk about the future. Mature relationships have plans. Nothing too set-in-stone, but you should have some clarity about your future together. And no—idealizing your fantasy of shacking up in a dream mansion one day, after you’ve had hot sex, doesn’t count.

When we get carried away in the raptures of passion, it’s easy to talk about exciting possibilities. But that’s just your hormones talking. In a mature relationship, your conversations about the future should be more practical.

You don’t necessarily need to set a date, but you should have a reasonable notion of when a ring might make an appearance. And if you’re not already living together, this topic will become a priority. Other clues of real love are instances where it feels organic and realistic to say things like, “I think we’d be great parents,” without any ounce of weirdness at all.

You’ll (almost) never get sick of them. Mature love is immune to the ‘ick factor’. Never heard of it? It’s the condition of suddenly feeling grossed out by your partner for no explainable reason—an experience also known as “Sudden Repulsion Syndrome” (SRS).

According to Urban Dictionary, SRS is, “a condition many people experience after dating an individual.” Basically, out of nowhere, everything about the person makes you physically nauseous. Their smell is obnoxious, their touch makes you shudder, and even their face somehow loses its appeal. Suddenly, the thought of kissing them seems like an unbearable chore.

This change in attraction doesn’t have to be triggered by something logical. According to some psychologists, the ick factor can be triggered by something unconscious, a type of protection mechanism that prevents us from ending up with the wrong person. It’s our body’s way of telling us that the partnership is toxic.

Yet, when we’ve found the right person, our bodies can’t experience the ick factor. Instead, your partner’s presence will continue making your life feel lighter and easier—well, most of the time.

Whenever your intuition feels cloudy in your relationship, use these signs to gain some clarity. Sometimes you can’t always trust your gut, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. So instead of relying on that age-old advice, “You’ll know when you find it,” just trust these foolproof signs to know how mature love should feel.

The post What Mature Love Feels Like and How to Know You’ve Found It appeared first on The Date Mix.

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[themomsandthecity]

What Parents Need to Do When Their Kid Comes Out as Transgender

Dayton has been advocating for LGBTQ rights since high school, when she did a complete 180 away from her upbringing and founded an alliance group. Since then she has remained vigilantly aware of the social and political issues facing her closest friends. She dreams of removing those obstacles, one article at a time. We all have expectations for our kids. Of course, we encourage them to be whatever they want to their face. Your daughter can totally be the next pop sensation - who cares if she's tone deaf? Your son definitely has a career in pro gaming ahead of him. That's an easy job to break into. For the most part, we recognize that there might be some reality checks along the way, but we support their dreams! Because one of our many, many jobs as parents is to support our kids. So then why do so many parents clam up when their kids come out as transgender? If we're willing to support our kids through the most improbable dreams, why can't we support their real identities? If something like feasibility doesn't stop us, why does gender? Do we just not know how to to be supportive, or are we just unsure of the entire situation? No matter the reason, this moment of indecision or misplaced anger couldn't come at a worse time. You are one of the most important figures in your child's transition. Chelsea Williams, who has been a part of the LGBTQ community for years now since her fiancé is transgender, says that "parents can make or break their child's life . . . They can really make or break the transition." So, no pressure. Ahead, I'm gonna walk you through the entire process to make it as simple as possible. That way, you'll have absolutely no excuse for not supporting your child 110 percent. Related Parenting a Transgender Child What to Do When They First Come Out This section can serve one of two purposes for you. It'll either prepare you for this conversation should your child ever come out as transgender, or it'll tell you exactly how you should've acted, if you feel you might have already made a mistake. Now, you'll either be shocked or you won't when your child first comes out. Maybe you'll have a sneaking suspicion for a while, or maybe you'll be floored. If it's the latter, try and put your own feelings aside for just a moment, because these next couple minutes are crucial. It's more about them than it is about you. Realize that if your child has approached you about being transgender, this is something they've given a lot of thought to. Realize how difficult it has been for your child to confront you about this issue. They are baring a part of themselves for your acceptance, aware that you might reject a core part of their identity. You want to avoid doing that at all costs. Even if you are confused or disagree with them, do not reject them. Assure them that you still love them no matter what and do some research after the conversation. If, after you've done some research, you still disagree with your child, understand that this is not something that you will ever be able to "argue" your child out of. I'll try to avoid making this a political or religious issue; just realize that if your child has approached you about being transgender, this is something they've given a lot of thought to. Rejecting the idea of their identity means rejecting your child. Related 1 Mom's Fears For Her 4-Year-Old Transgender Child What to Do Immediately After First, ask what pronouns they'd like to go by and if they want to go by a different name. Their birth name might be gender neutral, or perhaps it has a special meaning in your family. This can be one of the hardest things to wrap your mind around. After all, you named your child; you picked that name for a specific reason. But your child is picking a new name for another, yet still valid, reason. Respect their choice; it's not a reflection on you as a parent! (It'll take some practice to refer to them by their new name and appropriate pronouns. That's okay. They're probably expecting that and might have gone through something similar with their friends. Believe it or not, you probably weren't the first person your child told, especially if they're older.) Next, be ready for a major style upheaval. They've probably always had a preference for one side of the traditional gender spectrum over the other, but now they can be overt about it. Trans boys might want baggier clothes, a trans girl might want more dresses. There are clothing exchanges you can participate in if you're not ready to purchase a whole new wardrobe. It won't just be their clothes that change, though. Their hair, their shoes, and the smell of their deodorant may all change drastically. In fact, they might ask if they can change up their room. One of the best things you can do to show your support is to help them with these transitions. Redecorating your kid's room can be as simple as focusing on compatible color combinations, but don't just assume that boys like blue and girls like pink. There are affordable ways to redecorate. Get your child's opinion on it; even if you can't afford to redo their entire room, asking them their opinion on a specific pillow or comforter will show that you care. Your child is still the same as they've always been, just freer. Although constantly staying supportive is important, understand that not everything about your child will change. It can be easy to assume that everything about your child will flip, but that's not the case. Krispin Keyes, Williams's fiancé, advises parents to "remember that your child is still the same person they always have been." Adding, "My personality and interests haven't changed, just my name and pronouns." They might want a pink room, but still play football; they might want to cut off their hair, but still sing in choir. A person is not just made up of their gender - it is certainly a part of them, but that is not the whole package. Your child is still the same as they've always been, just freer. Related 10-Year-Old Transgender Girl's Speech About Protecting Trans Rights Is a Tearjerker How to Handle the Nitty Gritty You want to reduce your child's gender dysphoria, which is a severe discomfort experienced when gender identity does not match up with outward physical appearance. Raising a teenager is always a challenge, but raising a transgender child through puberty is especially trying. There are a variety of options to reduce your child's gender dysphoria. If they haven't yet gone through puberty, at least pursue hormone blockers. Some changes resulting from puberty are extremely difficult to reverse. On the other hand, if your child is already a teenager, there are alternatives. Some transgender men chest bind, some transgender women will stuff their bras. However, many eventually pursue hormone replacement therapy (HRT). This is an option that you may want to discuss with your child. Their decision to engage in HRT does not reflect how "really" transgender they are. Many transgender people decide not to pursue HRT or sexual reassignment surgery, but that doesn't mean that they were faking it or weren't serious about their transition. Whatever their decision, do your research on some health hurdles. Chest binding can lead to uncomfortable rashes that you should know how to treat; HRT obviously drastically changes your child's body. Be prepared for mood swings, times two! Additionally, HRT and hormone blockers require a prescription; your child will likely require a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a therapist. Check your local laws and talk to your family pediatrician/physician. Related How 1 Mom Surprised Her Transgender Daughter With the Best Gift Ever Regardless of specifics, you need to be supportive. Many parents see coming out as a way to get attention; it's not. Others see it as a phase; it's not. Still others see it as the death of one of their children; it's not. That is the attitude that Keyes's parents once adopted. "I'm not dead," Keyes says. "I'm just their son now." Your child is still your child, and it's your responsibility to love them no matter what. Your child is still your child, and it's your responsibility to love them no matter what. You might face different hurdles than other parents, but with patience, love, and this article, you are well-armed for the task. Especially given the uphill battle they'll probably face politically, professionally, and socially, they need you. Be understanding, be supportive, and be their parent. It shouldn't be that hard. http://bit.ly/2qSkJrL