#because jes has never allowed himself to feel either of those emotions. but he should. it's a totally valid response to his situation

[atalana]

honestly though like. as a jesper fan, i am baffled by the choices they made with his character arc this season

like i was definitely surprised they just threw the grisha thing in immediately after it was such a secret last season, but that's not inherently bad, i can roll with that

two things though

1) i am absolutely thrilled to get that scene with aditi, she was the number one character i wanted to see in s2 and it was everything i wanted and more. but attributing jesper's denial of his powers just to her death... yes, that was what pushed colm over the edge in terms of paranoid protecting

but he was terrified before she died. and that's because he's kaelish, not zemeni, and he knows the world. novyi zem may be relatively safe for zowa, but at least as far as the books are concerned, nowhere else is. the wandering isle has far too many superstitions, ravka has a compulsory draft for grisha, the fjerdans will kill you, the shu want to experiment on you, and one thing the show really does not cover is that pretty much every grisha in ketterdam is an indenture, nina included. every grisha in the city is owned by someone. your options outside of novyi zem are death, war, or slavery. jesper's dad kinda had a point

and i'm surprised they didn't even try to touch on that, because that could actually be really interesting in this crossover au! why? because that's the darkling's point of view. he's kind of a magneto here, doing wrong things for valid reasons - and jes has the most experience with those reasons. in the books he's nowhere near as okay with his powers (nina's narration at one point mentions how jes continually talks about grisha like he's not one of them, even in a room where everyone knows his secret. and he can't even say the word grisha, nor can his father, if they have to discuss it they coat it in several layers of vague language)

you're going to make a much stronger debate and a more interesting antagonist if one of your protags agrees that yeah, there is nowhere in the world that is safe for any of them, even if the war is over

2) where, are they intending to take jes' character arc from here? bc they kinda went right for the root of it, which doesn't make a lot of sense if you wanna keep this character around

like, if you haven't read the books, grisha stay healthy by using their powers - they can live longer, yes, but it also keeps them from getting sick, and so on. the inverse, however, is also true. one of the ways the shu government identifies grisha in hiding is that they can't go long without using their abilities, it makes them tired and weak and sickly

and crooked kingdom really digs into the fact that staying in hiding since he was a kid has been having a severe impact on jesper's health - not physically, for him it manifests mentally. sort of fantasy adhd, but the worst traits of it. he's always restless, nothing ever feels okay, he keeps pushing his emotions down because he doesn't know how to deal with them without them exploding. he's a serious adrenaline junkie because of it - he has a legit and debilitating gambling addiction that forms the heart of his character arc, and the same with danger, the only time the world feels right is when he's in the middle of a fight and probably about to die

jes can't quit gambling because he can't admit to himself there's anything wrong. he can't admit what he is and he can't admit that it's hurting him really badly

he only makes progress on the grisha thing right at the end of the last book, and he's working on the gambling addiction, though that's something implied to be fixed in the future rather than seeing it on the page

but he seems to be much more okay with who he is now than he ever was in the books. and, if he's okay with it now, how are you ever going to dig into the rest of the interesting stuff, that's all only happening because jes is hiding from himself?

[graphicabyss]

?人 NEWS

I wrote an enormous post, or rather an essay, concerning NEWS, Tegoshi, and everything that went through my mind in the past month. Honestly, it’s mostly my way of coping, getting it out of my system and sorting out my thoughts and feelings. But I decided to also post it here for those who might want to read.

It was a long time coming. The rumours were lurking around for years and a month ago they bloomed. And yet, the full realization is yet to dawn on me. When something devastating happens, our mind tends to shake off the pain by either exonerating the beloved person who hurt us, or blaming them and distancing away from them. It's really hard to stay objective. But I'll try.

Coming into this fandom, I prepared myself for disappointment. Once I was a TVXQ fan. You know, the 5-nin TVXQ that was going to be "together forever" and all that. So I wowed never to get that invested in a pop band. When NEWS came along, I tried not to get too attached. I knew it would hurt me, sooner of later. And for awhile, it worked. But, as years went by, I knew I lost the battle. We humans need to cling to something. Thus, nearly 7 years have passed.

To me, Tegoshi has always been a key component. He was the one that led me to NEWS. Or rather, how pretty he looked in a dress. Tegoshi always kept me interested. Sometimes he excited, sometimes he annoyed, but he was never ever boring. He was made of contradictions, both in words and in actions. Nothing ever adds up with him. He made me want to understand him but I could never quite grasp it. Thinking about it now, perhaps it was because he doesn't really understand himself either.

In these years, I had several crisis points where I considered leaving the fandom, all caused by something shitty Tegoshi said or did. But every time I bounced back. Of course, I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself. However, his selfishness has always been offset by his kindness. The last time was him crying at the end of Neverland tour and how sorry he looked. Till the end, I wanted to believe that his common sense and loyalty won't let him do something reckless and stupid. Yet, here we are. The interview he gave to Bunshun led me to believe that he would do the right thing. He said he would show his gratitude to JE and would definitely make his fans happy but now it's the furthest thing from the truth. The fandom is disappointed, confused, angry.

Some people say to get over it, that Tegoshi was meant to leave or some shit. But I think those people fundamentally misunderstand the heart of the problem. It's not that he left that infuriated the fandom. It's how and when he left. Most fans would support his decision to leave if the transition was done properly. He owed us that much. A proper apology. A proper gratitude. A proper farewell. The announcement had me in disbelief. I expected him to at least finish the contract, do the Story Tour, no matter how long it takes, and show the members, staff and the fans the respect they deserve. To cut it short feels like a violation. At the very least, we need a closure. The last goodbye. The last concert. The last something. He just left JE after 17 years like it was nothing.

More than anything, what he did seems so stupid. He had it so fucking good. He was always in the spotlight, both on stage and in TV shows. The other members did most of the offscreen work allowing him to shine. He was supported by endlessly patient members and staff. He had the freedom to choose and all the work he wanted for each of his passions - ItteQ, Soccer Earth, OpenRec. And he had fans that always supported him, no matter how many scandals he had.

What was so important that he had to give up on all the amazing benefits he had? To betray all this trust? And on top of it, at a time like this? When all world is going through so much shit? When the fans need moral support more than ever? What were the "dreams" that he talked about?

The ability to rant on Twitter? Making duckface selfies? Fucking around? Assembling a shitty rock band? Performing with strippers? Some kind of unique business opportunity? He talked for years about wanting to perform overseas or hosting fan events but right now these things are offlimit anyway. Why couldn't he at the very least explain his decision properly? Just that alone will definitely hurt his further career in the long run. The press-conference lasted 2 hours but it answered none of the questions that really mattered and there was no remorse. Though at this point, I can't trust anything he says anyway. He created his Twitter account the the evening it all went down and didn't bother explaining himself. He just jumped off the ship and let other people deal with the damage.

Even now, it all seems like some kind of bad dream. Then again, all of the 2020 does.

When I first saw "手越退社" trending on Twitter back in May I felt like I was spinning into a downward spiral, like all air was sucked out of me. And it wasn't the "oh, no! what will the band do?" I never went to a NEWS concert and never brought any merch. To me, it wasn't really the feelings of a fan whose band faces a crisis but rather that of an entrepreneur who invested too much money into one asset and watched it plummet.

Fandom stuff is a currency that can devalue in a blink of an eye. Its valuable as long as its core message is intact. This is why I can't stand people being petty over scans or videos. I share when I can knowing it will make someone happy because I know that tomorrow that someone might move on. When I stumble upon old closed journals with password-protected downloads they feel like ancient abandoned temples. The treasures in them turned to dust.

4nin NEWS were based on unity, the combination of 4 unique characters. Four components, each of them essential. Now that concept failed. It's like standing in front of a collapsed building. I try to assess the damage. How much of it can I salvage? Repurpose? How much is lost and needs to be cleaned up? Should I even bother?

What do I do with hundreds of live performances and TV shows, in HD, lovingly downloaded and stored?

What to make of thousands of scans, magazines, pamphlets, almost each image edited and sorted? Thousands more stored neatly in folders, waiting to be posted. Countless screens and gifs.

What of the member ai fanvideos that gained over 100k on Youtube bringing joy to so many people? I already got the first heartbroken comment saying "we won't ever see them like that again, will we?"

What to make of my unfinished stories? Honestly, it's one of the things I'm most proud in my entire life. Now their future is uncertain.

Do I take down the poster on my wall? The CDs on my shelf? Soon I will have to looks at my enormous stash and decide for each item. Things that once brought joy now cause pain.

NEWS weren't selling music, they were selling ideas and dreams. The cute band photos now cause hurt and anger. The uplifting songs about unity won't be convincing. All the concerts lost their charm.

Am I being too dramatic? Probably. Perhaps the issue itself may seem trivial to an outsider but our grief is real.

Tegoshi keeps saying he loves NEWS and adores the members. But to me, loving is doing everything you can to avoid hurting the ones you love. Perhaps he means it, but that love will never compare to the love he has for himself. Despite what he says, I doubt we'll even see them together again and I'm not even sure I want to. I knew apart from Koyashige, the members aren't really that close personally. Tegoshi is shallow and seeks popularity more than anything. I'm sure than now he'll hang out with even shadier characters than before. The members used to provide him with the much needed tough love. Now, with nothing and noone holding him back, he'll give in to his overblown ego.

I'm not sure how I feel about NEWS continuing as 3. I mean, I support their decision and that's probably what most fans want but to me, I don't know if it'll work out that well. They were already a band with a lot of luggage and now, just like in 2011, they are a band that induces pity. They would have to rearrange so much to try and fill this huge gaping hole. Not to mention they will struggle vocally. No songs, no choreography can be unaltered. It might be better to go on within the agency doing their own things. But then that would just mean Tegoshi was indispensable and all the work they put in will be wasted. The Story must be competed.

In the past week I went through various stages of grief. The anger was strong and so was disbelief. Now it's finally subsiding, giving way to acceptance. It won't come soon but I'll let all the emotions run their course. The fact is Tegoshi remains very entertaining and the temptation to keep following him and rant about him is strong. I probably wouldn't even fight it if he were to leave with at least a shred of dignity. But with the way things are, I refuse to support him in any way. And I will at least try to phase him out as much as I can as I realize that even my anger is playing into his hands as he wants nothing more than attention, good or bad. Instead, I'll try to focus on those who do deserve support.

I'm not yet sure how to proceed with the blog and everything else but I'll take my time and figure it out. The truth is Tegoshi was one of the two major things that have kept me here for so long. And no, the second reason is not Shige. It's the people. Out of all the fandoms I've been in over the years this one really felt like home. I met so many amazing people here, even though many of them have since moved on. I felt accepted and appreciated.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster. But today I feel fine. I have a dozen reasons to be depressed. But I'm not miserable right now because of the fandom. I've had about 10 people write to me within several days. Some of them I haven't talked to in months, some I've never talked to before, and some from other fandoms. They reached out to share their thoughts and feelings, and I appreciate it so much. I felt less alone. I felt a sense of solidarity, a sisterhood. Many agreed with me and it was touching but even more touching were the people who didn't necessarily agree with me and still wanted to hear what I had to say.

Perhaps it's patronizing but I feel like right now the best I can do is stay connected and go through this together. If I can help others, through informing, making someone smile, or supporting emotionally, it's all worth it.

[bnha-headcanons-and-shit]

To heal a broken heart [Toyahaul] part 1

Chisaki Kai cared very much about Kurono Hari. They were childhood friends. They've been through thick and thin, good and bad and would always stand with each other. Hari was one of the few people Kai allowed to call him by his first name. It was such a privilege to be able to do that. Everyone was aware that they were very close and they would do anything for each other, especially Hari. He would die for Kai if it was needed. Yet still, there were somethings that not even Kai could control. Those were emotions, and he had them more then he should.

Over the years they've spent together, Kai has felt like there was something more to their friendship. He always felt as there was this force in his stomach that would sometimes become that strong it would make him feel weird. It took him a good amount of time to realize that he liked Hari in a much different way. He wasn't disgusted by it, but he thought that it would distract him in his work, so he ignored it for some time. But as time passed, even that became hard to do. The way Hari talked, his smile and just his face, in general, was something he couldn't ignore. He was pretty. Way too pretty. And because of it, he thought he may as well tell him. It was getting a bit out of control too. Even Hari noticed that he has become more... soft, at least in private. It wasn't unusual for him to reach for Hari's sleeve and thug it when he wanted something. He'd keep the contact between them longer than before and longer than with anyone before. It even looked like he went a bit soft for Eri at one point and even doubting his out ideals and ideas regarding quirks. All of that because he listened to Hari and what he had to say about many things regarding their work and Eri. He had to talk about it with him. To let him now that he cares about him more then he should and that he wants to be more than friends with him. Because it would make things much easier than. It would make him feel at ease and happy. Oh, if it really went that way. Chisaki went out of his office to find Hari, wanting to finally tell him and end this circle of hiding his emotions and ignoring it just to come back and hit him like a truck. He was about to enter the common room as he heard Hari, out of all of them, speaking. "Yea, we've been dating for a few months". Kai's heart stopped. He continued listening, still set in place in front of the door. "Really? Who asked who out?" That was Rappa. "It was Hari actually. I never would've thought he would be the one asking me out but here we are now. I mean, I would've asked him eventually." The person who was now dating his best friend was Nemoto. Out of all of them. It was Nemoto. Chisaki didn't enter the room. He never did. He went back all the way to his office, closing the door and locking it, isolating himself from everyone. He wasn't sure if he should scream or cry at this point. What was he supposed to do now? Tell his best friend that he can't go out with Nemoto because he was in love with him all this time? Or he could just disassemble him and never speak about it again? But Hari would then hate him for it and may even leave, even if he was dedicated to him so much. Maybe... He should just let it go? It... Could be the only thing that could solve this? It will hurt to leave these feelings aside at the start but it's not like there was something he could do about it for now. Maybe they would break up at some point? Maybe. He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a knock on the door. Without much thinking, he unlocked the door and opened it. In front of it was Setsuno. He was standing there with some papers, probably from Mimic. Je also had a bit of a worried expression on his face. "What is it?", he asked, not knowing what could make him so uneasy, as it was clear that something was wrong. "...It took you a while to open the door, boss. I knocked a few times before you opened." Well then. He was really bothered by this, considering he couldn't hear a knock on the door that was less than a meter away from him. "What do you have?" Chisaki wasn't sure what he was even speaking at this point. This was out of character for him. "Mimic sent these", Setsuno said, handing him the papers was has held. Chisaki just took him, without even saying 'Thank you' and that's something he would always say. He was about to close to the door before Setsuno spoke again. *Do you need anything else boss?" "No. Get lost", he said and slammed the door while closing it. _____________________________________ Setsuno always thought Chisaki Kai was beautiful. Ever since he saved him and gave him some purpose, he was very thankful for it, just like everyone else. But, while others appreciated it and kind of just rolled with it, to Setsuno this meant much, much more. Having some goal in life was what not a lot of them had. Rappa's 'goal' was to win in a fight with Chisaki. Some of them didn't really have a goal and just lived with what they had, enjoying it at that moment. But Setsuno needed something in life to keep him going. Before that was his girlfriend, but that's something he now lost, due to him 'not being a good boyfriend', as she told him when she left him for another man. That's where Chisaki came into place. He was a man Setsuno admired so much. So much for being an amazing leader who could keep everything in place, considering no one here was really reliable, other than maybe Chronostasis, Nemoto and Mimic. He was beautiful both in his work and physically. Even if he didn't show himself that much, his facial features looked very beautiful, even with the mask on. It would be an understatement that Setsuno liked Chisaki. He was clearly in love with him. And this whole situation made him worried and a bit mad. Chisaki was upset because of something. Setsuno doesn't want him to be upset. It made him sad because of it. And he was angry at whoever made him like that. Setsuno would really do anything for him, even making sure that something like this doesn't happen again. But he didn't know much at this point, and Chisaki didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it either. Not like he expected him to. He was somewhat okay with living until he dies knowing that Chisaki may not like him in the slightest. He'd just deal with it up until a certain point and then probably kill himself. Not like he would even mind, he was pretty sure Chisaki wouldn't care about it much. And honestly? He was okay with that. Even if he killed him for messing something up, he'd be okay with that. He knew he would then die because of Chisaki's touch, which would be the most he would probably get from. Simply said, he was in love with someone he thought he could never have, and Chisaki was in love with someone he knew he could never have.

[revolutionary-demosthenes]

The Bonstetten-Gray relationship

Most of this information comes from “Thomas Gray (A Biography)” which can be found here: https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.226086/page/n289/mode/2up.

Thomas Gray was an English poet born in 1716. He had many siblings, but the was the only one who survived childhood. According to poetry foundation, he “is generally considered the second most important poet of the eighteenth century” behind Alexander Pope.

Charles Victor de Bonstetten was born in 1745. He was a Swiss writer, and stayed with Francis Kinloch, John Laurens’s ex-boyfriend, (I will post more about him soon) when Johannes Von Müller and Alleyne Fitzherbert, 1st Baron, St. Helens were also staying with him, in what I call Kinloch’s Gay Retreat. (I will be posting about that very soon.) This relationship is pre-Kinloch, however something interesting is that Alleyne Fitzherbert also knew Gray, who wrote about Fitzherbert, “the little Fitzherbert is come as pensioner to St. John's, and seems to have all his wits about him.” 

Bonstetten met Gray near the end of the latter’s life. There was a 30 year age difference between them, but they were both adults. Bonstetten knew about Gray, but how they first came into contact is pretty hilarious. Here is the excerpt from the biography (Norton Nicholls was a friend of Gray’s): “So the November of 1769 wore uneventfully on, until one even- ing Norton Nicholls, who was concluding a rather protracted absence from his parish with a visit to Bath, happened to go to a ball at the Assembly Rooms. Light-hearted as ever, the youth- ful rector scrambled on to a table in order to have a better view of the dancing, and presently another young man did the same. They clutched one another for fear of falling, an unceremonious introduction which led to a lifelong friendship between them. The young man's name was Charles-Victor de Bonstetten, and he was the only son of a prominent member of the little group of patrician families which ruled the canton of Berne.” In other words, Nicholls and Bonstetten both stood on a table during a ball, holding each other so they wouldn’t fall! What a way to meet someone... They became friends, and either Bonstetten realized that Nicholls knew Gray, or Nicholls found out that Bonstetten revered Gray, but either way, Nicholls wrote a letter of recommendation for Bonstetten to be taught by one Thomas Gray. 

Side note: Bonstetten was going to marry an heiress, but wrote to his father that he was very happy he had not done so. Very, very happy. The he had not married a woman. He wrote in French, but the rough translation is, “O my dear father, I will now be admirably cheerful, and sing and dance all day like a man who woke up from a bad dream” Wow.

It appears that Bonstetten and Gray became fast friends after they met in London, December (of 1769, I’m assuming. The book is not terribly clear.) Bonstetten stayed in a coffee house often used by Gray and his friends. It seems that the affection Bonstetten felt for Gray came on quickly. He wrote Nicholls, after two weeks of being in Cambridge, “I never walk but with even steps and musing gate, and looks corner- cmg with the skyes ; and unfold my wrinkles only when I see Mr Gray, or think of you Then notwithstanding all your learnings and knowledge, I feel in such occasions that I have a heart, which you know is as some others a quite profane thing to carry under a black gown,” Gray wrote at the bottom of this letter, of Bonstetten, “I never saw such a boy our breed is not made on this model He is busy from morning to night, has no other amusement, than that of changing one study from another, likes nobody, that he sees here, and yet wishes to stay longer, tho’ he has pass’d a whole fortnight with us already His letter has had no correction whatever, and is prettier by half than English.”

At first, the Gray seemed to only see Bonstetten as a student, “But as the weeks went by, and his protege still stayed on at Cambridge, Gray grew ever more fascinated by him. He insisted that he should visit him at all times of the day, dine with him, work in his rooms. Together they read the English poets, went over the botanical lessons of Mr. Miller, played on the new pianoforte — a present from Stonhewer — and talked on and on until the college gate was about to close” They spent a lot more time together, which seems to have been initiated mainly by Gray. 

But it is this next passage in the biography that really hits me the hardest. It also is pretty clearly implying gay, which seems amazing to me, as this book was written in the 1950s, when being gay was still unjustly taboo. The book says that when Gray first met Bonstetten, he just saw him as a good student/an opportunity to impart knowledge onto someone deserving. But, “by now he realised that this newcomer was arousing in him emotions such as he had never experienced before, emotions obsessive and overwhelming. All his defences were swept away — the life so carefully organised, the formal and deliberate manner, the refuge which he had sought in books and antiquities and the interleaved Linnaeus. He was filled with disquiet, for he understood the secrets of his own nature he knew the existence of temptations which could not for one moment be contemplated by one who had been, all his life long, a strict observer of the laws of God and the laws of man. At the same time the very presence of Bonstetten brought him unimagined happiness. For a few short weeks he enjoyed once more what he had never known since his childhood days...” 

This appears to me like an intense internal struggle for Gray. He knew how society looked upon homosexuality, and as a respected poet, it was a big risk for him to be accused of this. As for the ‘secrets of his own nature’ I cannot honestly think of any other meaning of this but attraction for other men. Additionally, why would Gray. be ‘filled with disquiet’ about an intimate friendship? This strongly implies that Gray felt that the intimacy their relationship reached a level that was not accepted by society in that time. This passage especially makes me feel so bad for Gray, Bonstetten, and everyone who was/is not straight but are/were not allowed to be their true selves. Gray loved this man so deeply, yet if anyone found out about it, he would possibly be sentenced to death! An impossible situation, truly. But Bonstetten and Gray seemed willing to take the risk. Oddly, the biography says, that when Gray refused to talk of his personal life with Bonstetten, “Bonstetten concluded, a little surprisingly in the circumstances which then prevailed, that [Gray] had never been in love.” I would say very surprisingly... But of course this would also be an excellent cover for a romantic relationship. It is also worth noting that if Bonstetten only saw Gray as a mentor, why would he care if Gray would not talk of his early life when Bonstetten did?

However romantic their relationship got, it is clear that they both, though Gray especially, were very happy around each other. It was not to last, sadly. Bonstetten’s father wanted his son home. Gray made fun of this, and Bonstetten made a heart-felt appeal to his father, “Quand j ’ai enfin trouve un ami c'est pour le perdre et pour retomber dans cette sombre solitude ou je reste la proie des vices et de toutes les miseres humaines” which translates to “When I finally find a friend it is to lose him and to fall back into this dark loneliness where I remain the prey of vices and all human misery.” This was quite a smart and logical appeal, since Bonstetten’s father was worried about his son disgracing himself in some way or another, as many fathers worried about in those days (Henry Laurens...).

But even this was not enough, and Bonstetten departed in late March. As the biography says, “Gray was quite inconsolable All the warmth, the con- tentment, the affection that had lately filled his life would be drained out of it once more, and nothing but loneliness and emptiness lay ahead. And apart from his desolating sense of personal loss, he was deeply anxious about Bonstetten’s future He had tried so hard to sober the volatile creature, to control the fantasies and aspirations that filled his brain What dangers, what pitfalls of licentiousness and atheism now awaited him in France? What would happen to him when he returned to the domination of 'his cursed Father ’? As the dreaded day of separation drew near he tried to confide in Nicholls, but despaired of conveying to him the extent of his distress 'He gives me too much pleasure, and at least an equal share of inquietude. You do not understand him so well as I do, but I leave my meaning imperfect, till we meet I have never met with so extraordinary a Person God bless him ! I am unable to talk to you about anything else, I think.’ He went to London with Bonstetten, and said farewell to him on 23 March at four o’clock in the morning, when the Dover coach rumbled away into the cold and darkness.” The phrase “too much pleasure” also seems to suggest a relationship beyond friendship. As well as the phrase, ‘I leave my meaning imperfect’ perhaps he left it imperfect because he could not dare to write his real feelings.

Every single one of Bonstetten’s letters to Gray after leaving London are missing. Every. Single. One. One cannot even begin to speculate the sorts of things written in those letters! Three letters survived from Gray. These letters are pretty heartbreaking. It is clear that Gray missed Bonstetten deeply, despite only having known each other for a few months. “Never did I feel, my dear Bonstetten,” he wrote “to what a tedious length the few short moments of our life may be extended by impatience and expectation, till you had left me nor ever knew before with so strong a conviction how much this frail body sympathizes with the inquietude of the mind I am grown old m the compass of less than three weeks, like the Sultan in the Turkish Tales, that did but plunge his head into a vessel of water and take it out again (as the standers-by affirm'd) at the command of a Dervish, and found he had pass'd many years in captivity and begot a large family of children The strength and spirits that now enable me to write to you, are only owing to your last letter, a temporary gleam of sunshine Heaven knows, when it may shine again I did not conceive till now (I own) what it was to lose you, nor felt the solitude and insipidity of my own condition, before I possess’d the happiness of your friendship.”

Poor Gray! We do have a hint, however, later in this letter, what the letter Bonstetten had previously written had contained. Gray writes, “I return to your letter, it proves at least, that in the midst of your new gaieties, I still hold some place in your memory, and (what pleases me above all) it has an air of undissembled sincerity. Go on, my best and amiable Friend , to shew me your heart simply and without the shadow of disguise, and leave me to weep over it (as I do now) no matter whether from joy or sorrow.” Well, Gray was a poet, but this is just so beautiful... and so sad! This letter betrays such genuine grief and love over Bonstetten... if this letter survived, what must Bonstetten’s (which did not) contain? Bonstetten’s letter must have contained sadness about the separation as well. The line ‘without the shadow of disguise’ also strikes me as a particularly gay line... if they were just friends, why would there even be talk of parts of their heart ‘disguised?’ Also, Gray is saying that Bonstetten’s true heart makes him weep, which is basically saying, ‘You love me so much but that you love me so much is painful because you are away from me. But this is not the end of the tear-fest, my friends. Gray wrote Bonstetten again soon after, 

“Alas! how do I every moment feel the truth of what I have some- where read Ce n’est pas le voir que de Fen souvenir , and yet that remembrance is the only satisfaction I have left My life now is but a perpetual conversation with your shadow — The known sound of your voice still rings in my ears — There, on the corner of the fender you are standing, or tinkling on the pianoforte, or stretch'd at length on the sofa — Do you reflect, my dearest Friend, that it is a week or eight days, before I can receive a letter from you, and as much more before you can have my answer, that all that time (with more than Herculean toil) I am employ'd in pushing the tedious hours along, and wishing to annihilate them; the more I strive, the heavier they move and the longer they grow. I can not bear this place, where I have spent many tedious years within less than a month, since you left me.’ 

Time had obviously not softened the blow of Bonstetten's departure. Gray also repeatedly emphasizes that he is not living his life in the way that he was before Bonstetten entered his life. Again, we do not have any of Bonstetten’s letters, so we must only speculate what they could contain. But it seems clear that whatever they said, they did nothing to alleviate Gray’s pain, and perhaps even made Gray yearn ever more for his departed pupil. 

About a month later, Thomas Gray and Norton Nicholls went to Suffolk together, and had hoped to see Bonstetten while there, but when Bonstetten was there (I do not the know the reason why he was not or why Gray expected him to be) Gray wrote another plaintive letter:

“I am return'd, my dear Bonstetten, from the little journey I had made into Suffolk without answering the end proposed. The thought, that you might have been with me there, has embitter'd all my hours. Your letter has made me happy; as happy as so gloomy, so solitary a Being as I am is capable of being. I know and have too often felt the disadvantages I lay myself under, how much I hurt the little interest I have in you by this air of sadness so contrary to your nature and present enjoyments, but sure you will forgive, tho* you can not sympathize with me It is impossible for me to dissemble with you Such as I am, I expose my heart to your view, nor wish to conceal a single thought from your penetrating eyes — All that you say to me, especially on the subject of Switzerland, is infinitely acceptable. It feels too pleasing ever to be fulfill'd, and as often as I read over your truly kind letter, written long since from London,* I stop at these words La mort qui peat glacer nos bras avant qu’ils soient entrelaces.”

The French at the bottom of this letter translates to, “Death that can freeze our arms before they are intertwined.” 

There is also a line in this letter which raises the question “Did Gray love Bonstetten but Bonstetten not love Gray?” The aforementioned line is, “tho* you can not sympathize with me” which seems to suggest either that Bonstetten is not having as hard a time away from Gray, or that they loved each other in different ways. But this could also just mean that Bonstetten has other friends, or really anything along those lines. I also feel we should be extremely careful when claiming that love is one-sided when we only have one sides’ recollection of the relationship. People try and do this with the Laurens-Hamilton relationship... many of Laurens’s letters that survive are not as gushing as Hamilton’s but we are missing a great deal of them, and what we have was edited. But some people try to dismiss the relationship because of this. Also, this is one line out a letter that basically screams “I LOVE U!!” so...

I have found a list of all the Bonstetten letters, though there is no content. There are dates of the letters, though. Here is the link: http://www.thomasgray.org/cgi-bin/display.cgi?collection=letters&author=Bonstetten,+Charles+Victor+de,+1745-1832&sortby=placelet_up.

There’s a letter to Norton Nicholls in there too, and the only reason I’m mentioning it is because Bonstetten uses the phrase ‘methinks’ which is just wonderful.

But it seems that this relationship would die down soon afterwards. The biography says, “Such intensity of emotion could not last for very long It exhausted Gray's vitality at the time, and may well have had a permanent effect upon his health, but as the weeks went on he began to view the whole affair in a more reasonable light He saw the absurdity of his relationship with Bonstetten as well as its sadness; and indeed the absurdity, for all his over- mastering charm, of Bonstetten himself. Even at this early stage he began to find the style of the letters from Paris * un peu trop alembique', affected and over-refined. They were not to grow less so with the passage of time. Bonstetten made uncon- vincing excuses for not writing more often, and 'he seems at present to give into all the French nonsense and to be employ'd much like an English boy broke loose from his Governor ' It was the natural reaction of a high-spirited young man after those sober months at Cambridge, months of serious reading and celibate living and an unequal friendship between youth and age; but it displeased Gray, and the pangs of separation began to torment him less.”

We can tell from this that Bonstetten was the one who really began to separate from Gray once their geographic distance and cultural distance (to some extent, because Bonstetten was adopting more French manners, which displeased Gray,) grew too great. This parallels the Kinloch/Laurens relationship to some extent, I feel, because Laurens and Kinloch relationship deteriorated once Laurens was in London and Kinloch was still part of the Geneva social circles.

At any rate, this is what I have been able to find on the Bonstetten/Gray relationship. In conclusion: Bonstetten and Gray were likely lovers, despite a very large age difference, (Bonstetten was abut 24, and Gray 53) but the relationship did not last long. (If you want to think of it as a summer fling in December, I won’t stop you.) Gray appears to have been the more gushy letter-writer, but we have none of Bonstetten’s so it is really impossible to say. Bonstetten died in 1771, while Bonstetten was in Geneva. I’m trying to figure out what Bonstetten did, and if he stayed in Geneva or traveled between 1771 and 1775, when he went to Kinloch’s Gay Retreat.

Hope you enjoyed!

[green-grape-gaze]

Dog Days

I won’t lie. I have the worst weakness when it comes to Victor Trevor. I absolutely adore him. Thank you stranger!

You: Have you finished flirting with the cashier yet or has something else come up to delay your return from the grocers? SH

Stranger: I'm not flirting with the cashier! VT Much. VT

You: I do believe you are flirting far more than just 'much.' SH

Stranger: He's precious, actually. VT

Stranger: I'm not seriously flirting. VT

You: Precious? He sounds dreadfully boring. SH

Stranger: I like a little dreadfully boring every now and then. VT

You: Of course you do. SH Finish flirting. I need the milk you're purchasing for an experiment. SH

Stranger: For the record, it's not the flirting that's holding me up, Locket. VT

You: No? Then what is it? SH

Stranger: [IMG attached - a soaked, small, smooth-haired brown puppy with large paws chewing on one of Victor's gloves] VT

You: [Long Delay] He clearly doesn't belong to anyone. SH His coat is tangled and matted. Bring him with you. SH

Stranger: I found him in a box next to the road! Who would ever get rid of a precious little thing like this? VT

You: It no longer matters. SH Bring him with you, Victor. SH

Stranger: Hang on, he's squirmy. VT

Stranger: I think he's some sort of spaniel. VT

You: You are correct. SH

Stranger: Would you run a bath for the poor thing? I've got him wrapped up in my coat. VT

You: I have already started. SH

Stranger: You're an angel. VT Oh, god, bumblebee. He's shivering. VT

You: Victor, stop texting and simply bring him here. SH Your texting will only prolong your arrival. SH

Stranger: Five minutes, okay? VT

You: Thank you. SH

Stranger: It was around seven minutes later that Victor managed to maneuver himself into the flat, the shopping clenched in one hand with the stray dog in the other. At that point, the dog had stopped shivering and was instead getting a little uncomfortable in Victor's grip as he squirmed about. He made his way up the stairs carefully, but as soon as he managed to make it up, he placed the dog on the ground and let him wander into the flat. The dog was clearly nervous but nevertheless sniffed around, pausing every so often and wagging his tail. "Locket, I've got your milk," Victor called out, keeping an eye on the small animal. "And, er, your new little friend."

Stranger: [brb]

You: What started out as mild annoyance and bitter jealousy had slowly transformed into worry and bubbling excitement. The detective drew a quick bath and gathered what little products could be used to help clean the animal up. It'd been quite some time since he'd last had a furry companion and the pleasure of having a new one was far too grand to hide. There was a mischievous and vibrant glint to the brunet's gaze as he abandoned the bathroom to greet their new companion. "Victor," he murmured, ignoring the man in favour of approaching the dog. "Bonjour, mon chéri. Froid?" Sherlock continued, crouching before the animal with his hand outstretched. "Je vous réchauffer, mon chiot." (Hello, my darling. Cold? I will warm you my puppy.)

Stranger: "And just like that, I'm outclassed by a dog," Victor sighed with faux-annoyance as he let Sherlock approach the dog. He was secretly extremely pleased, though. Seeing Sherlock any shade of happy was always a good thing, and he crouched down by Sherlock. The puppy shrank away from Sherlock's hand at first, but after a few seconds of hesitation, he leaned forward and tentatively sniffed at him. That turned to the dog starting to gently lick and then nibble on Sherlock's fingers when they were prsented to him. "I can't believe anyone would do that. I heard these terrible little noises coming from the alley, and he was curled up in a box that was half-underwater. The /poor/ thing. I fed him some of the chicken I got at the store and I swear, he looked like I'd just given him the golden egg."

You: Dragging his sharp gaze to Victor, the brunet took the man's words in for only just a moment before reaching out to lift the dog up, tucking the creature close to his chest and shoulder. Clearly taking more interest in the canine than the other male. It would only be temporary, of course. "Given we were not prepared for his arrival, I will let it slide that you gave him chicken." He remarked, expression softening when he looked down at the canine. He cooed a few more words in French, his tone lilting and soft. It changed almost immediately when he called out to Victor. "Will you grab a few towels for when I've finished washing him?" Sherlock inquired, not bothering to wait for a response as he disappeared into the bathroom. He set the canine slowly into the water, ensuring it was at a comfortable temperature as well as that the animal would not make a run for it.

Stranger: "It was either chicken or granola, love, and he turned his nose up at that." Victor didn't mind it. It was brilliant to see Sherlock so enraptured. Certainly Sherlock liked his little shield where he didn't like anything besides his own work, but Victor knew even he couldn't resist a bright-eyed little puppy. He leaned over to press a kiss to Sherlock's head in response but before he could, the man was already up and moving towards the bathroom. "Twit," he chided comfortably as he went to get a few towels. As soon as the dog hit the water, he made a terrified little yip and looked up at Sherlock with big, mournful eyes. As the dog got more comfortable, however, he resumed wagging his tail and nosing at Sherlock's hand. The dog's fur was matted and dirty, and underneath it was clear he hadn't been eating well. Victor joined his partner in the bathroom a little while after, holding three towels over his armr. "Aww. Look at you."

You: There was a slight hint of panic as the puppy gave his terrified yip. It was only doused with relief when he realized it was due to the unknown rather than the water being too warm. Running the water over the canine's coat, he washed it free of all the dirt he could without product. Untangling several knots as he pet through the animal's coat. "Are you speaking to the dog or to me, Victor?" The brunet inquired, eyes focused solely on the canine as he worked. Once it came time to lather the soap into the dog's coat, Sherlock lifted his head to finally look at the other man and then shifted closer to the dog. Cooing faintly in French to keep his words a secret from Victor. It wasn't as if it weren't obvious that he was coddling the animal, but this was just one of those many things he wished to keep a secret. The dog was a weakness. After rubbing the soap into the dog's coat, Sherlock leaned back and set to washing the suds out, taking care with the animal's ears and eyes.

Stranger: "I'm speaking to the man who's obviously melting over this dog," Victor teased him. He got on his knees next to him by the tub, occasionally leaning forward to run his hand down the dog's back to soothe him. "I was going to suggest we take him and just see if he's got an owner, but I'm not totally convinced you wouldn't give him up even if he had one." For the second time, he leaned over and pecked Sherlock's cheek warmly before the man could swat him away. The puppy seemed to enjoy the bath, starting to pant as his ears were handled. His eyes were shut after he had discovered that soap in his eyes wasn't a particularly good feeling, and he setted his chin on the edge of the tub. Victor reached over to fiddle with the dog's paws, one at a time, trying to work at the knots and dirt stuck between his toes. "I think it's all very adorable, you know. Big bad Sherlock Holmes gets all huffy when his partner flirts with a grocer, but he's an absolute /teddy bear/ when there's an abandoned puppy involved."

You: "Don't be ridiculous, Victor. I am not 'melting.'" He remarked with an exasperated scoff. "I already stated that he doesn't have an owner, and if he did... Well, clearly they're an idiot. They've no idea how to shelter and care for an animal." The man stated bitterly, tone crisp and chilled with his displeasure over the situation. It changed, if only slightly, when Victor spoke gain. All because of the reminder that Victor had flirted with someone else. Not so easily consoled by the kiss to his cheek, the brunet became eerily quiet and allowed his pale features to take on a displeased pout of an expression. He openly ignored the other man once more out of his jealousy, washing the last of the dirt away from the top of the dogs coat to begin working on its tail and legs. "Vous ne serez pas flirter avec un autre, non? Vous ne serait jamais, mon chiot." Sherlock spoke to the animal, humming and cooing affectionately. "Je devrais trouver un nom pour vous. Un bien plus approprié que chiot." He added, leaning back after rinsing the animal's coat out completely. (You will not flirt with another, right? You would never, my puppy. I should find a name for you. More appropriate than puppy.)

Stranger: Sherlock was in a bad mood again. Victor wasn't an expert on Sherlock's emotions, but he figured he was nearly half on the level that John was. Hopefully. "I think it's attractive when you speak French," he tried half-heartedly. Raising one sudsy hand, Victor fondled Sherlock's hair a bit while he washed the dog. "We can keep him, either way. I think he likes you. Look how he's looking at you." And the puppy was looking at him a bit adoringly, even allowing his tail and legs to be manhandled as Sherlock washed them. When the dog was completely rinsed, Victor picked him up and placed him on the towel. Before he could properly get the dog under control, though, he shook, spraying both Sherlock and Victor with a healthy dose of water before allowing Victor to gently dry him. He worked on his ears first, backing off a little when he heard the puppy give a pained snort. "He'll be sleeping in our bed, of course. God knows he's probably been in a box his entire life, the poor thing. We'll get him some proper food and make sure he's got plenty of things to chew on. Won't we, Locket?" The dog was struggling a little in the towel, trying to get closer to Sherlock again. When it was clear Victor had a hold on him, the puppy flopped down and shut his eyes.

You: The man's attempts were working only faintly. The stony expression lifting bit by bit until he was merely pouting. He tried not to make it obvious but there was no way to mask it. The canine paired with Victor's praise was precisely what undid him in the end. It was ridiculous-/absurd/-and wholly unfair. Crossing his arms over his chest, the brunet watched as the man attempted to dry the dog down only to get them both wet in the end. His clothes were beginning to stick to his lithe figure in certain places, his hands picking at the fabric in an attempt to keep it from sticking to his skin. "We will still have to find a bed for him. If he ends up sleeping with us, then he'll take on your habits of trying to steal as much space as possible." Sherlock remarked dryly although there was a clear hint of fondness tinging his words. When the other man had finished drying the canine off as much as possible, the brunet crossed over to the other man and curled his fingers around the front of his shirt to draw him in close. "Of course, I could simply let him take your place on the bed..." He hummed, pressing a kiss to the corner of the man's mouth before turning away to get undressed. "We'll need to buy everything for him tomorrow."

Stranger: There was Sherlock. Victor grinned a little at him. When he was kissed, he pressed his hands against Sherlock's neck for a few seconds to keep him there. Their relationship was rocky at points. Victor enjoyed people immensely, enjoyed socialising, and, yes, he enjoyed flirting every now and then. Most of the time, he wasn't even aware he did it. It would just take Sherlock's stony expression on the way home for him to realise that he'd probably gone a little overboard. "Oh, no, you'd miss me too much. I don't know if you could manage to get a full night's sleep without having someone hold you or you holding someone," Victor teased. They made it work. Probably helped that Victor adored the man in front of him more than anyone else in the world, and went to considerable lengths to try and get a smile out of him. "Besides," he went on flirtatiously, "I like to think I've got another purpose in bed besides -- oh, /damn/!" he cursed out. As he was drawing close to Sherlock, the puppy, now unconstrained by Victor's hands, made a sprint towards the living room. His little claws clattered on the floor as he left as quickly as possible.

You: Victor would be the death of him. Or would have been if the puppy had not arrived. Unable to keep from chuckling, Sherlock reached up to stroke his fingers lightly over the man's neck in a teasing caress before slipping away. He'd return once he was certain that their new companion had not gotten into trouble or wouldn't. There was also the matter of introducing the canine to the landlady. "Chiot," he called out, cooing for the creature. He listened for the telltale scratch of claws against wood, of clumsy happy footfalls, and the obnoxious and excited pants of a canine. "Chiot, venez. Venez. Vous ne voulez pas que je vous donne des baisers?" Sherlock continued, heading towards the sounds of the canine and all but ready to snatch him up and cradle him close. "Voulez-vous que je vous caresser? Venez, chiot. /Venez/, mon chiot." The man continued, the mirth obvious within his expression. Whilst he believed that the canine would be troublesome, the brunet was looking forward to every moment they would share with it. Especially if Victor would partake in each second. The man might be maddening, but he could not do anything without him. (Puppy, come. Come. You do not want me to give you kisses? Would you I caress you? Come on, puppy. Come, my puppy.)

Stranger: Victor got up and followed after Sherlock, whistling for the dog. The puppy had scrambled his way back to the living room and had dragged out the rest of the chicken that he'd been given from the shopping bag. It was clear that his initial plan was to run off with it, as he was currently sitting and whining by the flight of stairs. Occasionally he'd dip one paw down and let out a cry of despair, his entire body hunched up and slightly shaking. Victor's heart nearly broke when he saw him, and he gripped Sherlock's arm tightly and let out a small 'Aw, Locket, look!'. Once the dog realised he'd been spotted, he was all tail wags and dog grins, nearly trotting back over to them and sniffing their trouser legs expectantly. "Poor thing's probably still hungry. We can make do tonight and find something to give him, and then I'll go get something proper tomorrow. Oh, god, we haven't even named him yet." Victor bent down to pick the dog up but quickly and lovingly passed it over to Sherlock. Sherlock was the enraptured one, after all. "We are not naming it anything I can't pronounce, so stop going through French nouns in your head."

You: As his arm was gripped, Sherlock released a sharp breath and reached up to tangle in his fingers with the man's. He only let go when Victor went to collect the canine and bring him over. He cradled the creature close, humming as he dragged his fingers through the warm and soft coat. He had already thought of several names but at the immediate rejection, he let it go. "We aren't naming it anything ordinary or boring either." He remarked, carrying the animal towards the sofa so that he could sit down. He was truly enraptured by it. Truly and utterly in love with the canine in his arms. He kept stroking over the dog's coat, soothing it and whispering small secrets and snippets of French. It was far to sentimental and grossly affectionate, yet the brunet could not stop himself. He was irrevocably attached-to both dog and man. "What else did you buy, Victor? If we choose to feed him more of the chicken, it will need to be skinned to ensure there is nothing overly greasy still attached." He commented, rubbing the animal's ears gently. "Perhaps I should name you after one of my favorite scientists...? A favored composer?" Sherlock murmured, lifting is gaze from the animal momentarily to glance towards Victor. "Did you have any suggestions for a name? If not, then I can easily continue to call him /chiot/."

Stranger: Moving to sit down by him on the sofa, Victor just leaned against Sherlock's shoulder and cooed at the small animal. Unlike his much more brusque partner, Victor had no shame in showing affection. He did, frequently and to everyone. When they'd first gotten together, Victor was extraordinarily affectionate in front of John -- jealousy? To show that he was good for Sherlock, that he didn't make the man more closed off? He didn't know. Victor offered a finger and let the puppy chew on him for a few seconds before taking his finger away. "Bach?" He offered. "Because we found him in a box, and it -- well, it sounds similar." It sounded weak, even to his own ears, and Victor felt the tip of his ears flush red slightly. "I've got some more chicken, and we've got some vegetables, and milk, and -- oh, I've just got some peanut butter, I'm sure he wouldn't mind a little of that, too. Not much, poor thing. Don't want him to vomit." And, er, they'd have to avoid the baking chocolate Victor had gotten. "We could name him after one of your cases, maybe? Or something to do with John? He'd be pleased. Or some famous hermit scientist that you like."

You: Sherlock moved to lean into Victor further once the man settled down in place. Where he was more chilly and stony in presence, Victor seemed to be the complete opposite. Something he thrived on given how much he desired affection. Even if he made it seem as though it were troublesome or a constant source of irritation. He enjoyed the warmth the other man's body brought forward, as well as the smiling and laughter. Every little bit of happiness the man showed by simply being around him was a soothing balm to the chaos of his mind. Reaching out with one of his hands, he captured Victor's and brought it close so that he could settle it against his body. "Bach is a horrible name, but I suppose it is rather fitting." He murmured, tilting his head to the side. "Let's feed him some more chicken and then a tidbit of peanut butter for desert." Sherlock remarked, turning his head to focus solely on the other man. "What about the name Yorick?" He suggested next, expression scrunching up slightly after. "No, that isn't fitting. Not well at all."

Stranger: Victor blushed further when Sherlock took his hand. Most of the time, he felt flattered that he was this wonderful, gorgeous, brilliant man's partner. While he couldn't ever do what John did (being skirmish about confrontration and blood besides), he enjoyed being this. A person Sherlock could come home to. A person who loved him totallyy, who could hug him and promise him that everything who would be okay. That he could be normal every now and then. Victor enjoyed that role immensely. He also enjoyed being able to appreciate Sherlock's mind without having to be standing over a body. "We are not naming him Yorick," he told him immediately. "But if you're looking for literary characters -- I mean, yes, there's Hamlet and Macbeth and Othello and Romeo. I think I ought to name him Romeo, because he's stolen my partner away from me already --" Victor sighed in dramatics. "But we'll see. Dickens or Twain or Wordsworth or Verne or -- we can feed him some chicken for dinner, actually. I'll be thinking about this all night."

stranger disconnected...