#because ive basically been taught by everything thats happened ever that its a net negative for anyone to even try to care about me

[leah2eroes]

You dont have to respond or anything but i think i can relate to feeling isolated even among people who claim to be isolated. Lately ive been trying to get disability help from the council and without fail every time i have a meeting they ask if i have friends (that could help me out) and i say no. Im almost 30 and i dont have any friends. If i look back, i never did. When im around people i find it hard to make myself care and they can definitely tell. If i ever am invested then I'm sure they dont want me, not really, and the interest fades again. Mostly it seems like the threads that tie other people together just arent attached to me. I think i come off as offputting and distant and thats before i really let anyone know me and what i want for my body or in general. I cant say i think this is a permanent state of being, i think with therapy and work i could tap into an emotion that wasnt overwhelming grief or fear, but it would take a long time to be anywhere near what would be considered socially "normal." And in the meantime, my lifes still as empty as ever. I dont mean to sound like we're both doomed to feel this way forever but its hard not to feel specifically cursed when everyone else is so connected and involved. Anyway sorry for the block of text, but i figured it probably couldnt hurt to know youre not the only isolated one out there. Take care

ok this is the realest shit ever and is basically exactly what im talking about. thank u for sharing this with me <3

im simultaneously glad im not the only one going through this, and heartbroken that there are others who are in an eerily similar situation. and like to be completely and fully honest im not entirely alone i have one person with me (though i feel endlessly guilty about how much that person does for me and how little i can repay it), but yeah the whole "im severely lacking in social stuff and im trapped in there because its self-fulfilling" thing is awful. and yeah, the whole needing to make an effort to care is really a problem because it *shouldnt* be emotionally taxing on me to care about people, but it is, and i cant help it - at least not in my current situation - but that doesnt change the fact that people will just be disheartened at my lack of enthusiasm. it feels impossible to get out of the pessimistic outlook on this shit cuz its hard not to assume its not going to work out, because ive experienced nothing but failure in the last twenty odd years.

anyway im not gonna spend all my time moping about over this but im so grateful that you reached out to tell me about your own experiences too. means a lot