#because it perfectly encapsulates so much of what i went through in my late teens and early twenties

[the-new-hip-priest]

Strapping Young Lad // Shitstorm Alien [2005]

[picnic-at-dreaming-rock]

Top 5 New Books of 2020

A round up of the top 5 new books that I have read this year, full 2020 reading list found here

Warning for possible spoilers below the cut.

Please Don’t Hug Me - Kay Kerr

Erin is looking forward to Schoolies, at least she thinks she is. But things are not going to plan. Life is getting messy, and for Erin, who is autistic, that’s a big problem. She’s lost her job at Surf Zone after an incident that clearly was not her fault. Her driving test went badly even though she followed the instructions perfectly. Her boyfriend is not turning out to be the romantic type. And she’s missing her brother, Rudy, who left almost a year ago.

But now that she’s writing letters to him, some things are beginning to make just a tiny bit of sense.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I cannot stress enough how much I love this book. Growing up as an autistic teen girl, I really lack a lot of representation, both real and fictional, and this books is a huge step forward in remedying that. Written by an autistic woman (yes, this is an #ownvoices novel!), Please Don’t Hug Me shows autism in a new and beautiful light as to what is most commonly shown. Erin is no genius savant that is only autistic when plot relevant or has a lack of social skills used only for comedic relief, but instead a encapsulation of the ordinary and everyday autistic experience of just wanting to get through the day with as little meltdowns as possible while still maintaining your neurotypical facade.

The Dictionary of Lost Words - Pip Williams

In 1901, the word bondmaid was discovered missing from the Oxford English Dictionary. This is the story of the girl who stole it.

Motherless and irrepressibly curious, Esme spends her childhood in the Scriptorium, a garden shed in Oxford where her father and a team of lexicographers are gathering words for the very first Oxford English Dictionary.

Esme’s place is beneath the sorting table, unseen and unheard. One day, she sees a slip containing the word bondmaid flutter to the floor unclaimed. Esme seizes the word and hides  it in an old wooden trunk that belongs to her friend, Lizzie,  a young servant in the big house. Esme begins to collect other words from the Scriptorium that are misplaced, discarded or have been neglected by the dictionary men. They help her make sense of the world.

Over time, Esme realises that some words are considered more important than others, and that words and meanings relating to women’s experiences often go unrecorded. She begins to collect words for another dictionary: The Dictionary of Lost Words.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

One of my favourite parts about this novel is how perfectly it showed both misogyny and classism/elitism, and how they intertwined. Although it is set in the mid/late 19th century and early 20th century, there is this sense of relatability to it that I think I lot of people might be able to recognise. Williams deals with a lot topics that I don’t often see in other media, such as menstruation without fancy allusions or making it into anything other than what it is, pregnancy out-of-wedlock without it being seen as a character flaw on the woman’s part, and showing characters one might consider like a hag or spinster to be good people worth celebrating because of things that deem them lesser rather than despite it or not at all. One main criticism I do have with this book, however, is how it seems like William just adds tragedy for the sake of moving the plot forward/to add shock value or drama. I will admit, it did get me crying at some parts, it did get a little tedious and lack-luster to have the last half of the novel just be death after life-altering event after death after life-altering event. 

The Book Thief - Markus Zusak

It is 1939. Nazi Germany. The country is holding its breath. Death has never been busier, and will be busier still.

By her brother's graveside, Liesel's life is changed when she picks up a single object, partially hidden in the snow. It is The Gravedigger's Handbook, left behind there by accident, and it is her first act of book thievery. So begins a love affair with books and words, as Liesel, with the help of her accordian-playing foster father, learns to read. Soon she is stealing books from Nazi book-burnings, the mayor's wife's library, wherever there are books to be found.

But these are dangerous times. When Liesel's foster family hides a Jew in their basement, Liesel's world is both opened up, and closed down.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

I read this book for my advanced literature class earlier this year and it was a great choice on the schools part. Everyone in my class enjoyed it, even if a lot of us were crying by the end of the novel. The book itself is rich with literary techniques that enrich the actual reading if you are one of those people that like to dissect what they read. I think Zusak made a really good choice with having Death narrate, as well as how he tied in his own experiences/interjections in these mini vignette-type extracts which I found really enhanced both the overall atmosphere and environment. The only qualm I have is that there were a lot of questions left unanswered that made the story feel somewhat empty.

Picnic at Hanging Rock - Joan Lindsay

It was a cloudless summer day in the year nineteen hundred.

Everyone at Appleyard College for Young Ladies agreed it was just right for a picnic at Hanging Rock. After lunch, a group of three of the girls climbed into the blaze of the afternoon sun, pressing on through the scrub into the shadows of Hanging Rock. Further, higher, till at last they disappeared.

They never returned.

Whether Picnic at Hanging Rock is fact or fiction the reader must decide for themselves.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

I watched the Foxtel miniseries first a couple years and thoroughly enjoyed it and sought out the novel very quickly afterwards. I will be honest, I picked the novel up first around 2018/19 and dropped it until earlier this year when I reread/finished it and loved it. Lindsay’s ability to create this perfect and constant juxtaposition between the natural Australian bush and the intruding colonialism is really amazing and adds this interesting aesthetic that the academia community on this site seems to enjoy. There is also a really interesting dynamic between the female characters (which is most of the characters, to be fair) and they feel complete and authentic, something that doesn’t always exist in other works of literature. There is also one canon queer character, but there is so much subtext in the novel for so many other characters that it feels purposeful. All in all, this is the gayest straight book I ever read.  

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - Suzanne Collins

It is the morning of the reaping that will kick off the tenth annual Hunger Games. In the Capital, eighteen-year-old Coriolanus Snow is preparing for his one shot at glory as a mentor in the Games. The once-mighty house of Snow has fallen on hard times, its fate hanging on the slender chance that Coriolanus will be able to outcharm, outwit, and outmaneuver his fellow students to mentor the winning tribute.

The odds are against him. He's been given the humiliating assignment of mentoring the female tribute from District 12, the lowest of the low. Their fates are now completely intertwined -- every choice Coriolanus makes could lead to favor or failure, triumph or ruin. Inside the arena, it will be a fight to the death. Outside the arena, Coriolanus starts to feel for his doomed tribute... and must weigh his need to follow the rules against his desire to survive no matter what it takes.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Hunger Games was one of the series in primary school that rocked my literary world (joining the ranks of The Great Brain, Harry Potter and The Books of Beginning) and helped inspire my love of reading, and when I heard about a prequel I was over the moon with nostalgia. I found it a couple days after its release at Target for $16 and I loved it. I finished it in about a week and I could barely put it down. I loved reading how the hunger games came to be and how they ended up the way they were, as well as advancing Collins’ previously established and incredible world building. The book also adds upon the themes in the original trilogy of government corruption, classism, elitism, individualism and propaganda, but from those that benefit from it (e.g. Snow) instead of those that suffer (e.g. Katniss). I have seen some criticism from people about not liking it being from Snow’s perspective but I personally think that it was the perfect choice, as no other character’s story would be able to add to the story in such a meaningful way.

[aion-rsa]

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 19 Review: Panic on the Streets of Springfield

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This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 19

The Simpsons Season 32, episode 19, ” Panic on the Streets of Springfield,” is one of the most pointed parodies the series has crafted in a while. It takes on pre-teen angst with the dry iced wit of an 80s anti-Brit-pop band. But it also follows a slow, sad slide into anguished irony.

I was looking for a laugh, then I found a laugh, and heaven knows I’m miserable now. My head hangs heavy with the pain of laughter. Not only does the episode strip Lisa of what appears to be perfectly suitable accompaniment for a life of lonely elitism, it also makes us all rethink Slapify. It may offer Millennial rock at Baby Boomer prices, but it teaches Lisa good taste is a curse.

The spiky haired, middle child is very picky about her music. After hating everything she hears, Slapify suggests music for people who hate everything, and the top artist is Quilloughby and his band The Snuffs. This is a stand-in for Morrissey, lead vocalist and lyricist for the Smiths, very thinly veiled behind a shroud of the Cure and Joy Division. The Snuffs’ shows have been called “A three-hour dance party in a freshly dug grave.” They made depression hummable for alienated teenagers in the 1980s. With hits like “How Late Is Then,” “What Difference Do I Make?” “Simon has a birthmark,” and “Everyone is horrid except me and possibly you,” they made parents wonder if their kids would ever get out of therapy.

The band’s sardonic brand of radical vegetarianism turned “The flesh that comes with cheese is proof of your moral disease” into an anthem. Lisa falls in love with “Hamburger Homicide,” and her descent is expertly choreographed. The lyrics are inspired sub-genre satire. “Every day I draw my bath and pray I will drown,” Quilloughby sings, and the audience gleefully wishes him the utmost success. The songs were co-written by the episode’s writer Tim Long, and Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords.

Benedict Cumberbatch is sublime as Quilloughby. He brings out the true ennui behind the lyrical content. He sees Springfield as very much like his own town, “dismal, and nothing good will ever come from it.” Cumberbatch and Yeardley Smith deliver devious comic chemistry. Ralph establishes the innate self-involved, exclusivity in the brightest kid in his class. “Lisa doesn’t like it when other people talk,” he notes. So, when Quilloughby dropkicks Ned Flanders’ pileous affectations into the pews with “facial hair is not a substitute for personality,” they bond like two Sideshow Bobs.

Lisa’s lines take on the bite of an eight-year-old, “Every day you wave your wand, but nothing magical happens,” she tells the Springfield Elementary School band conductor. This pleases the nihilistic phantasm, “I enjoyed that and I enjoy nothing,” but doesn’t play well with the administration. Skinner calls in Homer and Marge over concerns Lisa has become “poetically world-weary.” This is a very Simpsons kind of observation. It cuts to the quick with a finely skewered edge of self-awareness.

The principal’s seen this before, which means he’s had an opportunity to misjudge it in the past. Skinner recognizes Lisa’s black booties as an emo cry, which he blames the current popularity of music of the past. Music is an easy scapegoat on The Simpsons. “Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel,” Bart observed in the “Homerpalooza” episode from 1996.

Bart is having his own problems with Lisa’s new friend, though he is clueless, a perennial problem he usually skateboards around. Bart believes he’s “the drumstick in the chicken bucket” he calls his friends and therein lies his destruction. Nelson plays right into it: of course he stays up night thinking of how fresh Bart keeps those old tired pranks.

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The Simpsons Acknowledges Continuity Watchdogs with an Online Easter Egg

By Tony Sokol

The school bully gets in quite a few good lines, which push the narrative. He dismisses the lunch special tacos’ meatless replacement because “mushrooms are chairs for frogs.” When he hears there are little pieces of bacon between the Shiitake, he almost tearfully exclaims “this taco had a mom.” This perfectly encapsulates Lisa’s dilemma. The entire school laughs as Lisa, even Miss Hoover, who has probably been waiting for this moment.

Dr. Hibbert is now voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson, who has been playing smaller roles since 2009. Tonight, the affable physician ladles out bad news to Homer. His sugar is up, and his testosterone is down. Homer now has to face harsh realities. Something he has historically run away from, usually shrieking. He will never get to be an NFL quarterback who is really an international superspy. Hibbert prescribes a drug, but Homer gets hooked on the commercial he has to sit through before listening to instructions. There are only two things the real men of Springfield believe can boost manliness: weapons and trucks, and guns don’t come with ultimate torque. The triple XL 550 won’t be found in any medical journals, but reading journals is one of the leading causes of lowered testosterone.

Marge is a different person this episode. She’s not out of character, and reacts wholly within the defined role, but she is uncharacteristically hard-lined. This is the first time she is not an enabler. She has zero tolerance for the triple XL 550. One of best visual sequences is when we see Marge banging her head against the wall in its infrared. Not only does she force Homer to accept she’s more a truck guy than he’ll ever be, spouting the definition of torque, but tells him she’s “dealing with an actual problem.” Marge also makes Lisa swallow her bitter pill in a very familiar way. One of the earliest episodes dealt with sadness and music, and the saddest kid in grade two fought for her right to sorrow then too.  

Though Quilloughby is credited as the product of Lisa’s fractured psyche, he’s really more like Jojo Rabbit’s imaginary friend slumming on Evergreen Terrace. In his lifelong quest to disconnect with society, Morrissey went from the Socialist Red Wedge to the Great Replacement Theory. Watching Lisa lose her idealized relationship slowly dissemble actually softens the blow we should get from the reveal. She’d already begged Quilloughby “don’t ruin it,” so I won’t spoil the ending, but it would have been more devastating to have Winston Churchill surrender without warning.

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I know there is nothing more tiresome than gratitude, but “Panic on the Streets of Springfield” appreciably defies expectations. The Simpsons is on a roll this season, mixing light comedy with deeper character developments. Arcs have sunk into darker areas, and the conclusions consistently temper the sweetness with subversive ambiguity. Tonight, Lisa learns she should listen to people, one out of five times, and her mother will always be waiting on the other end of her slammed door. Marge lets Homer keep truckin’. The episode is surprisingly warm, and almost depressingly funny.

The post The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 19 Review: Panic on the Streets of Springfield appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[apple-grass-and-smiles]

Final Conclusions

Ten conclusions people came to about Marcos Diaz and Lorna Dane, in reverse order. 

10. Esmé

Esmé takes a large amount of pride in being able to read people. Granted, it’s helped by being able to sense their thoughts, but even without her power she thinks she’d have been pretty good at it. But even a novice would have been able to figure out that what Marcos and Lorna had between them was love. And when she realizes that, as she watched him pull his girlfriend to his side as Esmé recounted the Hound girl’s horrific story, she rejoices. Because people who are in love are people who can be manipulated. People who are so in love that in a moment of sadness they can put aside their differences and hug are people who have something to lose and therefore something worth fighting for.

Yes, Esmé thought, I can use this.

And she does. She makes Lorna have nightmares and taunts her and makes it clear that an extreme stance now could mean Marcos and the baby being safe later on. And Lorna fall for each and every one of the deceptions and half-truths. Esmé doesn’t lie. She believes almost everything she’s saying. Yes, something needs to be done to stop the hate that mutants have been facing and she truly does think bringing down Campbell is the way to do that, but what she honestly doesn’t know is if Marcos will take Lorna back once she’s done what she had already set her mind to. Once upon a time, when fairytales seemed like they could be real life Esmé might have believed that true love could conquer and that the two lovebirds would be able to reconcile in the new world she, her sisters, and Lorna were building. But Esmé Frost had stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago.

Esmé’s final conclusion: They may be in love, but no love is that strong.

9. Andy

Andy is a typical teenage boy and that more than anything is the reason it takes him so long to realize that Marcos and Lorna aren’t just dating but are instead head-over-heels crazy for each other. And really he only figures it out because he hears them say it. He’s 15 and a bit preoccupied with not dying for goodness’ sake! He’s not focusing on people’s romantic feelings. But even he can pick up on hints that people are in love with each other, especially when the hints are them saying those exact words.

Sure, there were lots of signs that they were probably in love before the day it finally clicked for him. They were dating. A kid was on the way. Marcos had gone crazy trying to get Lorna back. Lorna talked about Marcos a lot. And they spent a ton of time together. But Andy knew people at school who did all of those things too who then went and broke up. It was sad, sure, but it was also perfectly reasonable for him to think that maybe these two would end up just co-parents a year down the line with no romantic feelings between them.

He and the other kids are in training when it happens. First, Lorna nearly chucks a small pot at Marcos’ head, which is really funny for all involved (except maybe Marcos, but who knows for sure that he wasn’t laughing on the inside?) and brings an abrupt stop to the lesson. Some sort of mission is going on today. Andy isn’t very clear on the specifics but he knows that Marcos, John, and Shatter are heading out soon to try and meet up with a contact of some sort. The couple steps aside of the group of teens (“Lauren, you’re up. Try and see if you can get Andy to stop something without bringing the building down.”) and proceed to talk in hushed voices. He hears bits and pieces about the baby, training, being home before dawn, and the importance of not being spotted. All pretty normal stuff. But then Marcos says he loves Lorna and she says it back and it sounds nothing like the way kids at school throw around the terms or how people in movies might say it. It sounds like two people trying to put their hearts into three syllables, both painfully aware that eight letters can’t encapsulate their true feelings. It sounds a lot like a promise of forever. A promise that tomorrow they’ll still be together and that the same will be true in a year and for every day beyond that. It sounds exactly like when his parents tell him that they love him. And if there is one thing he knows it’s that if someone is talking like that, they’re never going to let go of each other.

Andy’s final conclusion? Sometimes when people say they love you they really, really mean it. And don’t get hit in the face with a spatula.

8. Lauren

Lauren is well-versed in the art of spotting crushes and relationships thanks to nearly four full years of high school drama. It’s not so much a skill as much as a means of survival. But the one feeling you don’t really see in high school is love. So it’s not until she sees her parents hugging a few days after being reunited that it clicks. Marcos and Lorna didn’t have the same vibe as the couples at school or the same look in their eyes as she had seen on countless faces as they looked at their crushes. Nope. Lorna and Marcos held each other like her parents did. Which meant only one thing: love.

“Hey, Mom. Can I ask you a question?” Lauren asked one day as she sat nearby while Caitlyn finished making the daily lunch of macaroni and cheese.

“Yeah. What’s up kiddo?”

“Do you think a relationship could survive all of, you know, this?” she asked, gesturing to the mutants around them.

Caitlyn turned away from the pot she’d been stirring and sat down on a chair near Lauren with a quizzical look on her face. “That’s an odd question. What brings that up?”

“I was just thinking about Lorna and Marcos. They’re obviously in love and I was just wondering if they had any chance of making it. Everything is just so crazy here and their lives are even more dangerous than ours and I’m certain having a baby on the way makes things even harder.”

“Honestly, I don’t know if they can make it. I want to think so, but, like you said, this isn’t an easy way to live. But what I can tell you is that I think they’re family and, just like us, it’ll take a lot more than this mutant insanity to ruin that. Now go and get your brother and dad for lunch. I put canned chili in the mac and cheese this time so it’s not a meal to be missed.”

Lauren’s final conclusion: Only two incredibly strong people could get through this still in love. She hoped Lorna and Marcos were strong enough.

7. Caitlyn

Caitlyn knows that the man sitting next to her in the car is in love as soon as he calls Lorna is his family. It clicks instantly because those are the words she’s been saying over and over as she tries to convince people to help her save her husband: “He’s my family.” And now here was a young man who was saying the exact same thing about this girl whose fate so resembled Reed’s.

Marcos’ eyes are focused on the road but she can see the desperation beginning to seep into them as he thinks about his partner who, for all he knows, he may never see again. No, Caitlyn reprimands herself because if Marcos doesn’t ever see Lorna again then there is almost no chance that she’ll see Reed and Caitlyn Strucker refuses to believe that such a thing could ever happen.

“She seems like a wonderful woman,” Caitlyn offers up like a life preserver to Marcos as he struggles to keep from drowning in his thoughts.

“She is. She’s amazing.”

“What’s she like?” Caitlyn is determined to keep him talking and focused. She knows just too well just how dangerous it can be to allow one’s mind to wander to dark places and she needs Marcos at his best if they’re going to pull this off and get back to Clarice before she destroys the Underground entirely.

“She’s… I don’t know. She’s like a force of nature. If she thinks something needs to be done she’ll do whatever it takes to accomplish it. She loves people more than anyone I’ve ever known and if you’re lucky enough for her to love you then she’ll do anything to make sure you’re safe. She’s smart too. So many of our missions have only worked because she’s planned them. She can be funny, when she wants to be. But mostly she’s just so strong. She’s determined and nothing can break her and…,” Marcos’ voice peters out as they approach the hospital.

Turning to the young man sitting next to her, Caitlyn reaches out a hand and places it on his arm. “Hey. We’ll get them back. Lorna and Reed.” Marcos offers a small smile in exchange as he parks and gets out of the car. When he looks back to make sure that Caitlyn is following him up to the hospital steps she catches a look of pure determination in his eyes.

Caitlyn Strucker’s final conclusion? Marcos Diaz will do anything to get Lorna Dane back and she never want to see what happens to someone who comes between them.

6. Reed

Reed Strucker had seen enough of cases of unrequited love in his life to know that just because one person was in love didn’t mean that the person they cared for loved them back. He’d also seen more than his fair share of people who got pregnant and didn’t stay with their partner. And it was for those two reasons that he didn’t assume that what Ms. Dane had with her child’s father was love. Sure, she refused to give him and the Mutant Underground up to Sentinel Services and nearly killed a police officer who had shot him but she could have just been loyal to her cause and someone who was clearly part of her team. Did her actions maybe suggest that she loved him? Sure. But he didn’t have enough evidence to pass a true judgement and expected to never have the information necessary to do so.

That is, until a little over 24 hours late when he found himself sitting across from Marcos Diaz, begging for help from the organization that he had just been trying to destroy. It’d been a long day.

And here was the thing, any doubts Reed may have had about the feelings between the two young adults fled from his mind when Diaz put his glowing hand right above Reed’s arm. That wasn’t the move of a casual boyfriend. Marcos was not making an idle threat. That was something that he would have done for Caitlyn or Andy or Lauren. That bespoke true love. Here was someone who was willing to risk everything for a girlfriend he had no guarantee of ever seeing again. Diaz had no way of being sure that Reed wasn’t actually working as a spy trying to get him in prison. There was no promise that Reed was actually a father with two children who had revealed mutant abilities the night before. And even if that was the case, Diaz had to realize the potential consequences of threatening someone who only a little while earlier was trying to prosecute his girlfriend. A simple boyfriend would have made some idle threats. But Diaz had a burning hot hand inches from Reed’s skin and that was the move of someone who was desperately trying to reunite with the love of his life.

Reed’s final conclusion: Don’t ever get between Marcos Diaz and Lorna Dane.

5. Clarice

Clarice felt horrible when she realized how close Marcos and Lorna actually were. Sure, she felt bad beforehand but this was on a new level. She had separated two people who were clearly very, very in love. How did she know they were in love? She saw it all over Marcos’ face. Heard it in his voice. Recognized it in the purposeful way he moved. Everything about his entire being screamed of a shattered piece of a whole that had been ripped from their other half. She knew the look. Not because she’d been that half but because she never had been.

Clarice Fong was pretty certain that she’d felt just about ever feeling on the spectrum. She’d felt joy and anger and heartbreak and contentment. But she’d never really felt that sort of love where you were certain that the whole universe had conspired to bring you and this other person together. But clearly Marcos Diaz had because everything about him was new to Clarice and that earth-shattering love was the only thing left that she hadn’t seen.

He was so desperate. That was the thing that stuck out the most to her. The way his shoulders slouched and his voice scratched and his eyes searched every room as if maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t heard her slip in a back door. Only she wasn’t ever there. And then his eyes would still and fall down to his hands, as if praying that maybe if he stared long enough her hand would appear in his.

Clarice’s final conclusion: Never fall in love with someone and then lose them.

4. John

John figured it out because Marcos told him.

“I think I might be in love with her,” Marcos had muttered one day.

John hadn’t really been listening (still wasn’t). “In love with who?”

“Say that a bit louder next time; I don’t think she heard you. C’mon, man.”

Much quieter this time,  “Sorry. It’s just not something you expect to hear.” A pause. “What makes you say that anyway.”

“I don’t know. I just… I don’t know. We’ve been together for half a year now and things are going great and I think I’ve loved her for forever but now it’s finally all clicking and now I’m aware of the fact that I’m in love with her and now I have no idea what to do,” Marcos looked at John with pleading eyes as he finished his speech.

It really shouldn’t have surprised John to hear. Afterall, the two had been nearly inseparable for the past six months. They ate together; they attended meetings as a couple; they tried to be on the same missions.  If you couldn’t find Marcos you just looked for Lorna because she was never far behind and vice versa. They had truly moved from being a pair to being two parts of the same, incredible whole. In hindsight, John should have known they were in love long before either had a chance to confide in him.

“So are you going to tell her that?”

“That I love her? I guess at some point I’m going to have to, but I just… What if she doesn't love me? What if I ruin everything? What we’ve got now is so good. I don’t want to destroy it just because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”

“Have you considered that maybe she’s thinking the same things right now?” John asked, looking at his friend with only a hint of pity in his eyes.

“No…”

Rolling his eyes, John responded, “Go and talk to her, you idiot.” And with that Marcos Diaz turned and nearly ran to find Lorna Dane.

John’s final conclusion: Love made people rather stupid.

3. Sonya

Sonya knew they were in love when she saw the way Lorna smiled at Marcos when he wasn’t looking. It wasn’t a bright smile, one with wattage that could outshine the sun, but a quiet one full of contentment and peace. And it was exactly the sort of smile that Sonya herself had when she looked at Johnny. And that’s when Sonya’s “best friend mode” kicked in.

The two women had only known each other for a couple of years but it had been enough time for her to see just how much Lorna shouldered on a daily basis. Between being one of the leaders of the Atlanta Underground and trying to deal with her mental illness without the help of medication (none of them could just swing by their local Walgreens and pick up drugs as needed), plus training kids to survive in an increasingly hateful world, Lorna was, in a word, swamped. Sure, Marcos had been a godsend in the beginning. He brought some much needed manpower to the Underground and he and Johnny had become a nearly unstoppable team. Overall, Sonya liked him a lot, but she also knew firsthand the dangers of a heartbreak. She’d seen in dozens of times in the women at the shelters. Women who, despite having been beaten and hurt over and over again, couldn’t help but cry because at one point they’d thought they’d been loved and now they were having to realize that their abuser’s feelings were far from love. Sonya didn’t expect Marcos to start beating Lorna, but she wouldn’t put it past him to end the relationship one day and to leave Sonya with a betrayed Lorna. (With a Lorna who looked at Marcos the way Sonya looked at Johnny, with a deep sense of longing and tears not far behind.) Sonya believed in her friend’s ability to overcome anything but picking yourself up after being in love and then losing that love was a messy and painful business and no one had time for that.

And then Sonya turns to see Lorna laughing at something Marcos had just said as he pulls her in for a hug and she can’t help but hope beyond hope that it all works out.

Sonya’s final conclusion: Marcos better not break Lorna’s heart or he was a dead man.

2. Lorna

Truthfully Lorna doesn’t really know when she actually fell in love. All she knows is that one day she was sitting there laughing with Marcos about something stupid and it hit her like a slap to the face. This wasn’t a crush. It wasn’t infatuation or just someone she really liked. This was it. This was Love with a capital ‘l’ and all the joy and sadness and fear that came with it.

In her head she swore like a sailor.

Not because she wasn’t happy or because she didn’t think Marcos was a great person or anything but because how could he, a rather exceptionally well-adjusted (all things considered) man ever love someone like her? Here she was, a terrifying mess of a person who was barely avoiding drowning in her duties with the Underground and rarely felt mentally stable. And there he was, a person who literally shone and would project rainbow lights onto the ceiling of their room when she was manic and couldn’t sleep and would hold her when she cried for hours on end until there was no more tears left to shed. How on Earth could two such completely different people in such a chaotic world ever dream of making this work?

She was yanked out of her reverie by Marcos’ voice. “Babe?”

“Huh?”

“Did you hear a word I said?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Meet with Daniel at 4:00 sharp to get the plans for the Sentinel Services building. Sorry. I was just thinking.”

At that Marcos gave her a look that wordlessly asked her to share what thoughts had dragged her away from him. And it was that look in that moment that sealed her fate, for better or for worse. That look that showed that he wanted to follow what was happening in her head whether it was good, bad, or incredibly ugly. He wanted to hear her thoughts and be told about the demons that ran through her mind oh so often. It made her stomach flutter with joy because maybe, just maybe, this could be something wonderful.

Lorna’s final conclusion: She was going to do whatever she had to to keep this going.

1. Marcos

Marcos fell so hard and fast that he doesn't even remember the 'falling' part, just the 'in love' part that he's found himself living in. And it is that last part that has brought him to a bar in the middle of nowhere with just a small bag of belongings and a deep-seated fear that he is about to be taken out by the cartel, despite promises from Carmen’s father that he could leave the family on good terms (Carmen was far less agreeable when he broke the news to her that he was leaving).

The drink he was nursing was doing absolutely nothing to take the edge off and he was bouncing his leg rapidly, trying to release at least a fraction of the nervous energy inside of him. In truth, he knew how stupid all of this was. He’d met with Lorna and John only a month ago and had helped them out a couple times since but he’d been adamant that he was not, under any circumstances, leaving the cartel. He’d come up with excuse after excuse and Lorna, with her quick wit and sharp tongue had called him out on each one. It was too dangerous, he’d say. She’d retort that the Underground protects their own and he’d be safe. Carmen would never be okay with it he’d sigh. She’d roll her eyes and promise him that truly she could find him another girlfriend if that was his hang up about the whole thing. He’d make a comment about it just not being a good fit and she would get up from the table and walk away because “that was the most ridiculous excuse ever”. (Years and years later, when Aurora is older and the world is a fair bit brighter and they’re not running and hiding anymore, Marcos will decide that it must have been during those early arguments where he fell for Lorna.) John hadn’t ever pushed Marcos to join them, but Lorna had pushed incessantly until he’d found himself laying in bed with Carmen desperately trying to come up with an actual reason to not leave. He didn’t love Carmen; they both knew that. It would be dangerous, but he knew that he could take care of himself if he needed to. And he did enjoy the work he’d done with mutants in the past. He’d liked the way the work had made him feel like he was making a difference. That’s it, he’d thought, that’s why I want to leave. But that hadn’t felt right either. There was something else. You mean someone else, a small voice in his head whispered. It wasn’t until he’d woken up with images of black hair and green nails in his mind that he’d begun to accept that maybe his heart was telling him it was time to go.

And that’s how he’d ended up sipping a truly horrendous drink in a bar at 4:00 in the afternoon on a Thursday, ready to leave the cartel to join a group of mutants.

Then Lorna Dane walked through the door and gave him that smile of hers and he corrected himself. He was leaving the cartel for the chance of a future with someone better doing something good, regardless of the cartel and his past and his flaws and the fact that this was all an enormous risk that could blow up in his face at any moment.

Marcos’ final conclusion: He was doomed. But maybe it’d be worth it.

[fuckyeahqueermusic]

The Con was released in the summer between me graduating high school and heading off to college. I don’t remember exactly how I heard about, probably some aggregate blog, which were big at the time, but I almost certainly first listened to it on a late night sitting at my family’s home computer, since I didn’t yet have my own. At the time, I had no idea how important this album would be to me.

I feel safe in saying that without The Con, I wouldn’t have started this blog, wouldn’t have become the avid music fan I am now, actively looking to support and listen to queer artists. It changed the way I listen to music, and still to this day, I hear new layers, new sounds, little instrumental parts I never noticed whenever I listen to its songs. Because of The Con I became an active listener, always trying to figure out the alchemy of how all the tracks of a song fit together; it makes it near impossible for me to get anything done while listening to music, and probably makes me a bit insufferable to my friends who have to deal with me rambling on and on about songs they don’t care about.

I truly believe The Con is one of the best albums of the 2000’s, full stop. It is so lovingly crafted and immaculately produced, the songs all encompassing, and swirling around you as a listener. And I think that’s how it ruined me as a passive consumer of music, I just don’t understand how you can listen to any of these songs and not want to immerse yourself in them completely. I’ve written about The Con in the past, so I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but while Tegan and Sara had always been smart, dedicated writers and performers, this album took them to an incomprehensible level. I was surprised when Heartthrob came out and it was so unabashedly poppy, but the more that I listen to The Con since it and Love You To Death have come out, I shouldn’t have been. Tegan and Sara are genius pop song writers, they crafted hook after hook on this album, and knew how to get exactly what they wanted out of their collaborators. Chris Walla managed to balance all of those elements so the record is full of sound, but it isn’t busy. It uses everything but the kitchen sink, but it isn’t what I would call a kitchen sink record. Every instrument, every sound has a purpose. I wrote in my review of it (lol over five years after it was released) that this album should not be as easy to listen to as it. It is dense, and the songs are dark. Dark in a way that I don’t think Tegan and Sara got to before or since. And it’s not the ironic study of contrasts that some acts do, with dark lyrics contrasting poppy instrumentals. The lyrics and the music are, for the most part, heavy (there are great exceptions for the bouncy piano of “Back In Your Head” and the pop-punk gem “Hop A Plane”), brooding and threatening in a lot of ways.

I picked “Are You Ten Years Ago” to go with this post because it is hands down my favorite song on The Con, and I think the one that is most under appreciated. I don’t know if I’ve ever really seen much writing about it, and I don’t know why. It perfectly encapsulates everything I said above. This song is claustrophobic. They lyrics fold in on themselves, slightly changing their phrasing, but repeating the same patterns. The music does the same; the drums in particular are such a specific kind of perfect and genius that I don’t even know if I can put it in words. Much like the lyrics, the drumbeat repeats the same pattern, but each pass through plays a different combination of programmed drum machine and Jason McGerr’s live kit, and it slowly builds, so there is this sense of something about to break, but it’s unpredictable, and in the end it never does break. The song is this ball of tension without any release, mirroring the tension of the uncertain relationship Tegan writes about. I think it’s the best song Tegan ever wrote (I think Sara’s is “Nightwatch” from Sainthood, but that’s another post for another day).

To get a bit more personal, I came out as gay in high school, one of a handful of openly queer kids. I was lucky in that I received very little grief from anyone in my life about it, but I still felt pretty isolated. While I was good friends with some other gay folks, we didn’t have a lot of common interests. I loved screamo and punk and weird TV shows (and still do), most of them loved musicals and theater and pop music (most of which I learned to appreciate later on, but I was, like many teens, obnoxious and contrary for no reason). And when I first listened to The Con, I just felt this immediate, visceral connection to the music, learning that Tegan and Sara were gay also made me feel this connection to other gay people that I didn’t feel like I had in my real life. And from this album I found other queer people and queer musicians, and eventually started this here sporadically updated blog, because I was just so excited to find queer people making cool, amazing, queer art. And while I’m no longer a gay woman (I’m queer man, life sometimes takes you places you don’t expect it to!), I still don’t think I’ll ever be able to be grateful enough for what The Con has given me.

Even if you’re not a huge Tegan and Sara fan, if you can spare 37 minutes, I think it’s worth taking the time today to listen to The Con, really listen to it, and appreciate the care and craftsmanship that went into making it. It launched their career into high gear for a reason, and without it, Tegan and Sara certainly wouldn’t be where they are today. This is the record that helped tons of kids come out, feel comfortable in their skin, and be a little less alone. It gave a bunch of us queer people a couple of weirdo Canadians to look up to, and that is reason enough to celebrate its ten year anniversary, but it’s a great bonus that it happens to be one of the best records of the past decade.

[washedupreviews]

Review: Latitude Festival 2013

It’s a long drive from the North-West to the South-East of England, but it’s a journey three of my friends and I made to get to Latitude Festival in Suffolk. Latitude is a music and arts festival that this year celebrates its ninth birthday. The line-up looked ideal for us but we had no idea what to expect from the festival itself. A ticket is in the region of £200 depending on what you package you get. Eight hours after we set off we were completely set up in the campsite and sitting outside our tent with a beer.

We were situated quite close to entrance to the main arena, near the campsite facilities and shops. The late afternoon sun beat down on us and for a few hours we simply did nothing. Behind our tent there were a group of teenagers, probably approaching around 16 years old who had warned us that they were going to be loud all day and night. We laughed as we remembered our first festivals and assured them that we wouldn’t mind, in fact we intended to do much the same. Although, they were oddly irritating for a reason I couldn’t put my finger on at first. Directly in front of our tent was a young couple who, again, we couldn’t believe were much more than 15. The boy bared an uncanny resemblance to actor Michael Cera and as such we named him this for the entire festival. After looking around slightly further afield from our tent it became apparent that this age demographic was heavily represented on our campsite. Perhaps more interesting, was the family tents that were dotted around nearby. This wasn’t quite what I was used to with other festivals, but it seemed a welcome change. That was until on the way back from the toilets I overheard a posh sounding mother chuckling and saying ‘sipping Shiraz in a field! How terribly quaint.’ This sent a prickle of irritation down my spine, but I took it in my stride. 

Later that evening we ventured into the arena to see what there was on offer and what we found blew us away. You enter, down a path between towering trees at the bottom of a field. There’s lights hung amidst the branches showing the way in the twilight and a general buzz of activity in amongst the forest on both sides. As the forest opened out onto a small slow flowing river music burst out from concealed speakers in the trees. We looked around and saw a crowd had gathered on the river bank. As we walked over a woman swept across the water on a wire dressed as a swan followed by a burst of coloured lights. The music was Arcade Fire’s Rebellion (Lies) and as the song beat on, building and building, we were treated to an array of acrobatics all on the surface of the water. Huge Chinese lanterns were set off, drifting upwards into the early evening sky as it all came to an end. It was stunning. We were amazed at what we’d stumbled upon and hoped for more throughout the weekend. When we returned to the campsite the party had more than started and we went into it head first and sprinting. We consumed a lot of alcohol that night, and didn’t stop until the early hours. We met a lot of people, some we liked, some we despised but it seemed a good mix. Michael Cera seemed to have been told firmly that he would be having an early night by his other half. The teens behind us did their best to live up to their earlier warning, but seemed to peak too early. The Shiraz drinking families did a surprisingly good job of joining in with some of the obscure occurrences created when you infuse young people with alcohol. I for one was too inebriated for anyone to irritate me anyway.

When I awoke the next morning, I was hazy but more than ready for the day ahead. The tent was similar to an oven in the heat and so I got outside, lit a cigarette and looked out across the campsite. Everyone seemed to be in a state similar to mine, and I was quite content to sit back and let the morning happen to me. Michael Cera was snapped at by his girlfriend as she sneered ‘I would be having soup right now, if you hadn’t lost the tin opener!’ He could only apologise. They talked as if they had long been unhappily married. After an hour or so, the first of the teens awoke behind us and shouted loudly to his campsite that they should all get drunk again. He may have said it like an utter tosser but he made a good point. As my friends got up one by one, we cracked a new beer and made a plan for the day. 

The line-up at Latitude cannot be faulted. Particularly 2013, had such a broad selection of brilliant music. On the Friday, we caught I Am Kloot and Stornoway who were both pleasant folk bands to listen to as we lay in the sun.  As the crowds grew throughout the day the heat became more intense and the air incredibly dry. If you joined a crowd at one of the outdoor stages the dancing would kick up a huge amount of dust which you would breathe in for the duration. It wasn’t comfortable, but it didn’t ruin it. 

That night The Maccabees supported Bloc Party on the mainstage. This was always going to be the highlight for me. Two of my favourite bands one after the other, it doesn’t happen often. Both indie bands from London their styles contrast but there are certainly crossovers. The Maccabees have developed from tight, fast indie pop, to beautifully produced expansive soundscapes and everything in between. Bloc Party have been through similar areas but have come out sounding incredibly raw and rock heavy on their latest album, Four. On that Friday night, unsurprisingly, they were both brilliant, sounding as good as I’d ever heard them. They both played set lists that seemed tailored for me with The Maccabees ending with their glorious album ending Grew Up At Midnight from Given to the Wild and Bloc Party opening with the epic So Here We Are. Bloc Party were and still are in a bad way, with arguments between musicians tearing the band apart. There is talk that the set at Latitude could be one of their last gigs. However, that night, admittedly with a replacement drummer, they put differences aside and played with immense energy. For those few hours, I was completely in a world of my own. I loved every second. Saturday, we were treated to a huge range of music, comedy and poetry as we really tried to get around and see as much as possible. Latitude is certainly full of things to do. It is a very good idea just to wander around aimlessly at such a diverse festival as you come across many hidden gems. Keith Allen’s Anti-Establishment Club on the Literary Stage was one such gem. A series of intelligent speakers getting things off their chest, promoting creativity and diversity. Another example being Andrew O’Neill the transvestite black metal stand-up comedian who is far from what you might expect, if you could possibly have any expectations from that description. It is beyond eclectic and you will be amazed what you can find if you look around. 

Something that I noticed on the Saturday was how annoyingly reserved the crowds were. With some of the more raucous music you want to be in a crowd that will move about. I often found myself in a very static crowd who simply watched the band at the front. Maybe this is some people’s preference when watching live music, but I certainly prefer to be in an active crowd that jump, dance and sing along. 

This was perfectly represented when we went to see Alt-J who were by far the most disappointing band we saw that weekend. Their album, An Awesome Wave, is a unique and interesting mix of technical indie and dance with a hugely diverse range of influences and samples. It is a very well-crafted album, but, unfortunately their live show gives nothing more. They may as well have just pressed play and left as they had very little presence on stage. The crowd reflected this, with posh teenagers staring blankly at the front with little movement other than the odd singalong part. As we were leaving I could hear them all saying how amazing it was and wondered if we’d been at the same gig. On the Sunday morning, I was sitting outside the tent again in the sun with a cup of tea.  Michael Cera was opposite me reading Game of Thrones, quietly enjoying the sun. His future wife’s voice emanated out from within the tent ‘Would you stop reading those stupid fantasy novels and come and help me find some clothes!’ He proceeded to close his book, look up at me and sigh. Then he disappeared into the tent. I couldn’t quite believe what I had seen. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I went for laughter as I thought that it was probably the Shiraz drinkers that had raised such a girl. That was the last I saw of Michael Cera. 

The now familiar voice from behind the tent echoed round the campsite. He had recently declared himself the Ketamine King and more than anything I wanted his reign to end. Perhaps it was just bad luck with where we had camped because we met plenty of very approachable and easy-going people throughout the weekend, but Latitude is full of arseholes. The group behind our tent encapsulated the general mood of that age group at that festival, and it wasn’t the mood I’d come to expect at a festival. They were obviously quite privileged kids and they had discovered expensive and popular narcotics which they were very proud of and made it very well known. It became immensely irritating to the point where we went to other people’s campsites just to get away from them. Unfortunately, that personality seemed all too common at Latitude. 

The last band I saw that weekend was Foals. Before the festival my interest in them had started to slip but seeing them live brought me right back to them. Another band that has evolved in a similar way to The Maccabees becoming more electronic as they have advanced. For the last act of the weekend, the crowds began to move, people started to dance and for two hours thousands of people got hugely grubby in a storm of dirt and sweat. If this isn’t your thing, don’t go to a proper music festival. Foals played a massively impressive set and were a perfect close to the weekend and the party went on long into the night.

I guess the true test of a festival is whether I’d go again. The truth is I would if the line-up was as good. But looking at the 2014 line up, I think we may have got our timing right. I can’t see them topping 2013 in terms of acts for quite a while. However, it’s important to understand that the line-up isn’t everything and of course, really, the weekend is what you make it. Perhaps I am too easily irritated by people, but, unfortunately, the personality that Latitude attracts is hugely unattractive to me.