#because if they died beforehand the player would suddenly have no character to play

[theheightofdishonor]

@asilhalawadi  I retyped it from memory. 

There’s a lot of things the Beyblade Metal Saga get wrong (do not get me started on how dirty they did Yu) but when they got it right, it was brilliant and the connection between Ryuga, Tsubasa, and Kyoya, is one of those things. 

So starting in Metal Fusion, these three are set against each other as Gingka’s rivals- I single them out specifically because these are the only rivalries that span the entire Saga. You’ve got Kyoya who starts out intimidating but is quickly established a reliable ally-no matter what he says on the contrary. There’s Tsubasa who you can’t quite get a read on until well into the third act of Fusion but ,eventually chooses a side and sticks to it. Then there’s Ryuga, the “big bad” who never chooses Gingka’s “side” even as Gingka saves his life, he’s a wild card and they often emphasize his untrustworthiness throughout the Saga.  Green, Purple and Red respectively. 

It’s easier to split this up and discuss the inner dynamics first so Imma start with Kyoya-Ryuga. Controversial opinion but these two are just slight variations on all the same characteristics;their personalities are centered around individuality, mistrust, arrogance, a lack of manners, and a specific honor code that they don’t like revealing- they’re mirrors.It’s interesting to note that their respective colours (the colour of their auras, Kyoya’s green and Ryuga’s Red) are complementary colours. On a colour wheel, Red is directly opposite from Green. Even as they go through the same things, they’re on different sides. In Fusion, they’re both manipulated by Doji and fight to truly develop their own personality but they’re pitted against each other. In Masters, their developments take place mostly off-screen, never meeting and in Fury, they’re once again major players on opposing sides. There is exactly two points in the series where these two collide (other than Ryuga’s death) 

The first is Battle Bladers. Their match in Battle Bladers is fundamental in understanding how their characters connect. Seriously watch it, it’s one of the best battles in the Saga. Ryuga begins by trashing the stadium before the battle begins, a move that Kyoya counters by destroying the stadium even more. It’s a statement of power as much as an intimidation tactic and neither backs down. Their battle continues the same way as they snark back at each other and exchange blows each with the force of a special move. It’s very “fight fire with fire”, “eye for an eye” and it works better than anyone would have thought.  Tsubasa may be the first person to ever withstand the Dark Move but Kyoya’s the first one Ryuga fully takes seriously. It’s a fascinating battle. Kyoya taunts Ryuga to force him to use his full strength and Ryuga complies-knowingly. (The implications of him temporarily pushing back the Dark Force just because Kyoya asked-I) Kyoya has full confidence that his taunts will work, he admits as much. Ryuga, for his part, verbally praises Kyoya for being the only person to ever push him this far. (Granted, the way he says it, it’s more of an insult but.) They’re so equal in power that the battle was actually up to toss before Ryuga got possessed. But the thing with fighting fire with fire is that it leads to a lot of people getting burned. Ryuga gets thoroughly possessed (and would likely have stayed that way if not for Gingka) and Kyoya is impaled by a demon spirit. (Remind me to speculate on Hikaru and Kyoya’s response to the Dark Power). It doesn’t end well for either of them- but they’re equals. 

In Metal Masters, they’re both demoted to secondary characters. They get lives outside of Gingka and don’t meet face to face until Metal Fury. Like I said, their arcs are parallel so it makes sense that the next time they battle toe to toe- they’re both on the verge of a series long personal conflict that has direct consequences on the fate of the world. This time, Ryuga is the self-assured one, he had an entire (mostly)Gingka-free season to sort out his issues and grow in power. Kyoya, on the other hand, isn’t even comfortable with his new bey yet and it’s almost depressing how quickly Ryuga wins that match. Ryuga even marks on it,  that although their beys may be equal in power, they themselves no longer are equals. Their maths are set into motion and that’s the last communication between the two of them.

Their individual conflicts in Fury are actually the same exact problem- stemming from the fact that they are both horrified at the thought of selflessness. They have to justify their actions as something that directly affects them and being tied down by caring about something else is one of the worst things imaginable.  By this meeting in Fury, Kyoya was a ticking bomb that had its roots all the way back to the beginning of Masters. In Fusion, they had become friends, but when Masters starts, Kyoya forces their relationship strictly back into rivals and does his bet to keep it that way. (I feel so bad for Gingka who literally gets nightmares about this moment) Even when he shows up to stop Ziggurat like some kind of guardian angel with impeccable timing - he’s quick to clarify that he’s not there for Gingka and only showed up because he thought Ryuga’s presence in the World Championships was suspicious. Like he’s right but ouch. It’s important to note that no one ever calls him out on this behavior where even as he helps and fights alongside them, he’s denying that he cares. I can’t even blame them for it because it wasn’t worth the effort. 

When Kyoya actively joins Gingka again in Fury to search for Legendary Bladers, he’s obviously uncomfortable  with the situation. I mean, there’s only so much you can pile under the justification of doing it to secure your rivalry. Let’s be real, that excuse barely worked even all the way back in Fusion when Kyoya joined forces with a couple of people he can’t stand to follow Gingka all the way to effing Koma Village. So him going batshit was inevitable, Aguma was just the spark. 

Ryuga is in the same boat, except when he professes to not care, it’s much more believable unless you take a good look at his actions. His help in defeating Ziggurat could be attributed to his canon reason of dealing with ghosts from his past. But that doesn’t explain why he practically forces Gingka to realize his bey’s power before his battle with Julian or him advising Tsubasa on overcoming the Dark Power and even making sure Tsubasa gets back to his team. When Fury starts, the audience has a reluctant hope that Ryuga will help- a thought that is promptly and swiftly crushed with a sledgehammer. You’re given a bit of hope again as we explore Ryuga and Kenta’s bonds and are barraged with scenes of Ryuga displaying consideration if not concern for the actual child following him around. But it’s not to be. In a scene that’s actually very similar to Ryuga’s OG battle with Kyoya, Doji taunts Ryuga who allows that taunt to influence his actions and again, it ends badly for him. Not only does he fully revive Nemesis, it ends up leading to his own death.

However, Ryuga does a 180 in death and his affection for Kenta/honour/guilt that this kid’s going to kill himself because he blames himself for your death brings Ryuga back to life (?) to hand the Star Fragment to Kenta. But it’s already too late and Zeus’s barrier doesn’t hold even with a replacement Summer constellation bey. His grand gesture, which is actually super emotional when you watch the entire thing, ends up doing nothing other than prolonging the battle. 

But, but, but. In that very last moment when all hope is gone and Pegasus is the only bey left spinning, Kyoya admits what he’s been denying for years- the effect Gingka has had on his life and that he cares for the guy. In a show of trust that Kyoya from even a couple days previous would never have done, Kyoya offers his bey spirit along with that of his precious Leon’s to Gingka. This, of course, prompts everyone else to do the same and Gingka defeats Nemesis and saves the world. But it wouldn’t have happened without Kyoya doing that. One lives, one dies. 

Now, Kyoya-Tsubasa. No worries, the rest of this is going to be significantly shorter. Green and Purple, both cool/secondary colours, are on the same side Despite this, Kyoya and Tsubasa kind of end up playing tag throughout the Saga. In Fusion, Kyoya’s the one at Gingka’s side until Doji switches the battle order in Battle Bladers and suddenly, tag, Tsubasa’s the one facing Ryuga. He loses, tag, Kyoya’s turn. In Masters, Tsubasa’s “tagged” and is now the one who travels with Gingka while Kyoya takes off and then there’s a brief pause for the Season Finale™. In Fury, Kyoya gets the star fragment, tag, he’s the one traveling with Gingka now and out of the two, Kyoya’s the one in the limelight for the rest of the season. 

On a superficial level, Kyoya and Tsubasa are opposites. Kyoya’s brash where Tsubasa is reserved. Kyoya clashes head on, Tsubasa keeps his cool. Yet, under the surface, they’re alike- moody, antisocial, and emotionally constipated. Jk, that part’s not til later. Really though, they’re pretty alike. Despite Kyoya’s abrasiveness, he’s almost always got some kind of plan in battle (even if they’re occasionally dumb things like let’s start a tornado which could potentially sweep away the helicopter that’s our ride out of here) and Tsubasa is no stranger to winging it -hacking the Dark Nebula without planning it beforehand, anyone?. Their differences balance the other person out. They’re almost foils in a manner.

With these two, Fusion is the place to be. (two pints of Sam Adams and I’m workin on three) Specifically, Tsubasa’s match with Ryuga and Kyoya’s attitude about it.That clip displays it better than I could explain. Tsubasa spends most of the actual battle avoiding El Drago- his plan is to draw out El Drago’s full strength and then attack when Ryuga’s at his weakest. (it makes more sense in the story) Everyone in the stadium is against this- the crowd is booing, even Gingka and the rest of their friends are unsure but Kyoya doesn’t lose faith for a second. He urges Tsubasa to not pay attention to the crowd-to trust his instincts and at that moment, he’s the only person that believes in Tsubasa. His faith is rewarded as Tsubasa becomes the first person to withstand the Dark Move. 

Despite having never battled each other, Tsubasa and Kyoya are established as equals in skill, power and intellect. And then the World Championships Qualifiers starts and along with it, Tsubasa and Kyoya’s one and only match.. The episode actually does most of the work for you by reflecting on these two, their skills and personalities. If you hadn’t thought of it already, you have now been spoonfed that Kyoya and Tsubasa are equals. The battle starts and them being equals is hammered in some more as they comment on how they know all of each other’s moves. But they don’t and Kyoya crushes him. Whether Kyoya would still have won if Tsubasa wasn’t possessed is up to debate. But the scales tip, nonetheless, and although Tsubasa overcomes the Dark Power, we’re not given a marker of any sort to tell if Tsubasa got stronger by the end. This is further complicated because in Fusion, Tsubasa never shows the extent of his power, so we don’t know if the Tsubasa that defeated the Dark Power is stronger than the Tsubasa before it. Either way, this battle marks the end of them as Tsubasa stagnates and Kyoya continues to grow stronger. 

Next is Tsubasa-Ryuga, also known as my shortest section because there is exactly one thing and one thing only that ties them together- the Dark Power. Initially there are two reasons because it’s Tsubasa’s job to spy on Ryuga but the Dark Power’s more important and they didn’t interact much because of that job, anyway. Although the weakest pairing in this triangle, they have the most significant meetings, a grand total of 4, 1 of which, notably, is not a battle. The first one occurs when Doji attempts to feed Tsubasa’s power to Ryuga once Tsubasa is revealed to be a spy. It ends in a draw because Phoenix saves him from imminent failure. The second one is the Battle Bladers Match-the one where a bit of the Dark Power latches on to Tsubasa’s soul. The third is in Metal Masters. Under instructions from the WBBA, Hyoma tracks down Ryuga who then finds Tsubasa and gives him advice on defeating the Dark Power (while destroying Excalibur for the hell of it) and safely delivers him to Gingka and co. It’s the weirdest episode- plays straight out of an alternative universe. In Fury, they meet for the last time in a completely random tournament while both are searching for Legendary Bladers. They battle, Ryuga wins and again, it’s straight out of an alternative universe because Ryuga’s almost cordial- at least compared to his usual version. Like if you look at his other battles, Ryuga in this clip can even be called nice. If you watch it, you’ll note the exact second Tsubasa determines that Ryuga’s crazy. It’s also got the line “The Dragon Emperor just is The Dragon Emperor” which cracks me up for no reason. Personally, I do think Ryuga’s a smidgen softer on Tsubasa because of the shared Dark Power thing but they don’t interact nearly enough to confirm it. 

(When I say last time, I do mean face to face confrontations, and not them just happening to be at the same place) 

Between the three of them, they’ve got this complicated push-pull dynamic despite very limited interaction between them. They’ve also got a long list in common; from personality traits:prickly, hard-working, skilled, smart, mistrustful/suspicious, pessimistic, confident if not overconfident, antisocial,  habits: most at home in the wild, unusually strong connections to their beys, and the weirdest of all; Yu who has idolized all three of them right around the time of their biggest self-crisis; Ryuga, Tsubasa and Kyoya in that order.

[raionmimi]

How does Medb and Cu's relationship in Fate interact with the lore of Cu's death being largely at the hands of Medb?

This is gonna be a long post, so rip to everyone that didn’t ask for this on their dash! Sorry! I’ll try to do a tl;dr at the bottom

I keep forgetting to finish Proto Cú’s (or any of the Cú’s) interlude, but it IS set during the time around the war with Medb iirc. His voicelines also mentions that he’s on good terms with his uncle Conchobar, Medb’s abusive ex-husband who sexually assaulted her and basically fucked up for the rest of her life. As far as I remember, there’s not a lot of info saying whether Cú didn’t actually know how his Uncle treated Medb; ignored it/denied it; or if he just considered it normal for a man to do shit like that given that it was the first century or so (and some stories revolving him would be the latter tbh). We do know that Proto Cú was summoned by Misaya becuase of Medb since she specifically wanted a servant that was killed by a woman “That way he would know how scary a woman can be.” Although Medb was not the one to strike him down, but the Grail sees it as her win because of the conditions set

In Caster Cú’s voicelines, his dislikes are Morrigan and Medb because he doesn’t have good memories of either one, and obviously in a war, there wouldnt really be any real winners if you count the losses that will happen on both sides. Coincidentally, Medb Rider is effective against him, so it’s kinda funny to me

In Lancer Cú’s voicelines, he mentions her, along with the other women in his life, and says he wasn’t able to keep their promises to all of them and wanting to be more dependable to them. We actually have no idea what he promised Medb at all, but obviously they’d have to have interacted with each other to have made one in the first place. I always talk about them being childhood friends as a self indulgent fun thing, but…??? They really may have known each other at some point beforehand, and just imagine how furious Medb would be seeing him fight for Conchobar of all people. That would’ve been an ultimate betrayal if we go by my ideas, and I love tragic shit like that. Also note that that Cú fought and killed people that he cared about that were fighting on Medb’s side in the war, but he never fought Medb even when they came across each other on multiple occasions. It always made me wonder why besides his excuse of “I dont like killing women” despite literally killing her handmaiden who was standing near her once. Like was it really sexism and/or was it because of a prior relationship with her?? It honestly could be either but a bitch (me) is curious!!!!

Alter gets annoyed when Medb has her facade, but he’s fine with her when she’s honest and acting like her normal self in America. I’ve mentioned before that he has a strange amount of free will and even makes opinions different than her, but she doesn’t mind. I sometimes feel like he really could’ve just up and walked away if he really wanted to becuase Medb wasn’t really that concerned about his backtalk whatsoever

I talk about this a lot but Summer Medb acting more formal with the presumably Lancer Cú shows that she’s calmer and actually does respect him when she’s face to face with him because she usually acts silly when she’s just talking about him to the player or other characters. Of course, we don’t know his response but given that she just asks “Do you have something to say to me?” it’s probably going to be him being indifferent or chatting casually with her.

Cú doesn’t really hate Medb because it’s not really like either one specifically said “I’m gonna start/partake in a war, just to ruin this person’s day.” He just hates that a lot of people he loved and cared about ended up dying in the war, but honestly, that could’ve happened at ANY point in time because wars happened more often back in those times for political power and glory. It’s just by chance that they were on opposite sides of a war, and really, the war was pretty useless since A: Medb was supposed to get the ox in the first place, and B: Medb DID succeed in getting the ox in the end, but it literally picked a fight with her husband’s ox (which was initially hers but it insisted on being owned by a man instead of a woman, or something strange like that) and died. But Celtic mythology has a lot “And then suddenly weird, somewhat darkly comical death/outcome!!!!” Also not to mention that becuase dudes were fighting in battles and wars all the time, they were often just “today’s enemies are tomorrow’s allies.”

Medb being a ruler, rather than a soldier, would take more offense at him taking down her army because that affects her kingdom and future political decisions she has to make directly. Also, the fact that Conchobar was the one who had control over a weapon of mass destruction is probably the biggest threat Medb could ever feel in her life. So, she smartly chose to lure him into a one-on-one agreement that he’d just fight one of her soldiers a day, and it went on for several months, but sometimes she was just “Yeah let’s just cheat???? This is a war?????” and sent multiple people. This is how she’s technically killed him, but was not the actual one who did it. It makes a lot of sense why she’d target him more than anyone. Not only is he a huge liability to everyone in his warp spasm, but say the words, and Conchobar could’ve probably had him do pretty much whatever. That’s frightening because Cú doesn’t see anything personal about what he does! He will kill anyone if he has to, even though it seems like he purposely avoided contact with Medb.

Overall it’s a little complex because if you put Cú on the Connacht side of the war, now neither of them are put in circumstances where they’re at odds. He doesn’t hate her, but he doesn’t seem to care for her new fakey fake persona because he KNOWS her. He just doesn’t seem to call her out on it though, he just plays along with it. Medb already has her own various factors that affect how she feels about herself, love as a concept, and him specifically. Her hate comes more from a ruler standpoint, but also imagine a hero who could supposedly save everyone, but he wasn’t there to save you when you needed it? Medb, imo, seems to have repressed anger and fear from her trauma because a lot of her choices stem from proving herself as being worthy as a woman and human being, or pushing people she actually likes away because she has insecurities that she doesn’t want to show. She has some trust that she starts putting in the player, but she has a very roundabout way of showing it. She’s always reminded me of how rabbits (or a stoat!!) hide in thickets and briar patches. It’s a good self-defense mechanism, but she can still hurt herself if she’s not careful.

tl;dr: No one is innocent in a war, and Medb and Cú are both morally gray characters in both lore and Nasuverse, even if Cú is generally portrayed as a bro who does nothing wrong. Fate does give bits and pieces on their intertwined history, but you can’t really say one side was wrong or right imo. Being summoned at Chaldea does give them the opportunity to move past any issues they may have with each other though, and character growth is my fucking jam so that’s why I really like the intricacies of their relationship.

[pathfindersemail]

Goodbye “Andromeda”

The following is a letter I wrote shortly after the Montreal Comic Con 2017 Bioware Panel. I sat on it for a while, but with recent news regarding the fate of Mass Effect: Andromeda, I felt it was pertinent to share this letter.

To the global family who created Mass Effect Andromeda,

I still remember my first ever experience playing a video game. It was a hot December in 1997, and I was still living in Manila, Philippines. We had a small boxy TV with a (maybe) 10-inch screen. That screen gave a pixelated display of my haphazard attempts at killing monsters with the business end of my rocket launcher. Doom was released years prior on the SNES, but it was a completely new thing for me. Me, a (at the time) 5-year old girl, mercilessly conquering over demons, monsters, and other nightmarish things. Macabre as it was, it was the beginnings of my thirst for adventure and of my need to be the hero of my own story.

Since then, I have played many games. I have been an assassin, a brooding teenage rebel trying to save the world, a ninja, a samurai, a street fighter, a car thief, a weird dude with a bandana caught in a plot too complex for my childish mind (not naming names, Metal Gear), a widower trapped in his own psychological nightmare, a well-endowed archeologist, an extremely taciturn physicist, a sith lord, a keyblade master saving worlds... I have been all these lives, personas, and characters. Yet in those myriad experiences, I felt something (for the lack of a better term) missing. 

I have since passed the years never really being able to point a finger at it. The sense of a void always came stumbling back after I had finished a game. I tasted power, fulfillment, and the close of a journey only to have it dissipate as a story that never really was mine. 

Fast forward years later to the fortuitous year of 2016, when Bioware offered its newest Game of the Year title for a generous discount. It was Dragon Age Inquisition. By then I was twenty-four years old, at the cusp of graduating with a Masters, and suffering from the nagging malaise of a rather bleak election year in the United States. I needed an escape, and seeing as how video games had so steadfastly provided that escape, I took the bait and played what would become the most important game in my life.

This letter is supposed to be about your 2017 title, Mass Effect: Andromeda, so I’ll keep this part brief. 

Inquisition was the first game where I was able to make someone who looked like me. Me: a stocky, 5′3 Filipino Chinese Japanese girl with unruly black hair, dull brown eyes, and a face rounder than a baby. Though many other titles before have offered character creators, they either failed to look “realistic” or ended up looking garishly alien. Inquisition’s robust CC made it possible for me to create a protagonist who could not only reflect a woman who resembled me (and people who shared my identity) onto an HD screen. She could also reflect choices, agency, and strength that are rarely afforded to what scant representation Southeast Asians have. I watched my inquisitor grow from reluctant, cloistered heroine to a capable leader who acted with both compassion and courage.

By the time my Inquisitor disbanded the inquisition and joined what would be the lost annals of Thedosian heroes, I inevitably returned to the real word. I was expecting that same, familiar void I felt whenever I finished a game. Yet it didn’t happened. Instead, I fell. I fell so hard for the universe. I couldn’t stop thinking about my characters’ companions, the friendships she made, the relationships she forged, and the love she has earned. I wrote, for one of my Master’s seminars, several papers (which my professors read with glee, might I add) about the resonances of Dragon Age’s in-universe permutations of tragedy and systemic oppression. I wrote about the importance of being able to interact and decide the conclusion of a narrative; to be able to weave a different kind of tale through games where the player could very much inform the tone and setting of a story. 

I raved about the game; I joined online communities to keep raving about it; and I produced what content I could to share with these fellow fans from all over the world. I didn’t just play a persona or a character; I played someone who represented what I felt was good about who I was; who acted with a conscientious awareness of what conquering and ruling meant for someone of a previously colonized peoples. It was liberating.

Shortly after my plunge into Inquisition’s fan community, a friend recommended that I try Mass Effect. Since I have already waxed poetic about DAI, I will also keep this very brief. I played all three games shortly after I graduated from my Masters in the winter of 2016. Within a span of a week, I cried, melted, died, reanimated, and cried again. Shepard’s story was complete and whole, and I felt that her accomplishments amplified what i felt about my Inquisition protagonist (especially since the demographic “Asian” had more meaning in this game than it did in a fantasy universe). As you might expect, I waited impatiently and obsessively for Mass Effect: Andromeda, during which time I wondered how on Earth could I have survived the wait had I been a fan all along.

There are many things I could say about my experience playing Andromeda, but I feel I should share with you the most important one.

Thank you.

Thank you for letting me create a beautiful, Filipina hero, who would pave the way for a new galaxy. Thank you for being the game developer who - after nearly 20 years of gaming experience - let me see myself reflected fully, accurately, and beautifully at the forefront of a compelling and epic story. Unlike the previous Bioware games I mentioned, my Ryder (her name is Sarianna :)) was allowed to be young, foolish, and happy. She didn’t constantly bear the yoke of border disputes and religious office as my Inquisitor did. Like Shepard, she was allowed moments of respite and impulsiveness - perhaps even more so than the older protagonist with whom the original trilogy graced us. As a woman who barely saw myself and my identity represented in media, I had a protagonist I could admire, respect, and contribute to the world (no matter how unnoticed she will be in future years).

One of my favorite moments in the game was the penultimate and high stakes scene of the Ryder twin (a Filipino version of Scott) fighting his way with just a pathetic pistol in hand to save his sister. Tears were brimming in my eyes when SAM offered a heartfelt apology at the sacrifice they were forced to make. “I’m sorry Scott,” he said. 

And the loving brother could only say, “I am too, SAM” before hitting that button with resolve.

It was a profound and poignant moment about family; about heroes of color who would do anything for each other; and about the fear of losing someone important to you. The fact that characters who represented Filipinos were able to call the shots, exercise agency, and bear the responsibility of leadership gave me so much pride. 

My other favorite moment was a romance scene: the drinks Ryder shared with Reyes Vidal on rooftop. It was an emotionally intense moment where two people were able to share in their vulnerability. Do you know how important it is for Latinx players to be able to see a bisexual Latino express the need for recognition, affection, and friendship? The scene broke my heart into a million pieces, because frailty can be a powerful thing and yet it is so often denied to Latino men, whom the media has wronged with constant portrayals of stereotypes of machismo and violence. Reyes was a phenomenal character, and I have to thank your writer Courtney Woods by name for making him possible. 

I also cried when the game ended, because I soon returned to that familiar yet now alienating reality where movies, music, and (for the most part) video games didn’t represent anyone with whom I identified. I cried, because my friends and I realized that virtually no one else is letting you wear your race, gender, and sexuality with pride and joy. I cried, because I realized that video games weren’t only cathartic works of fiction wherein I can project my fantasies. They were also fulfillments of personhood. It was you, Bioware, family who made that possible.

Now it goes without saying that nobody and nothing is perfect, and yet the rather disproportionate amount of harsh criticism and backlash the game received was... upsetting to say the least. For one, I felt like society as a whole was rejecting not only the finished product of the game but the potentialities and possibilities latent in such a product. I can’t speak of the technological feats Andromeda was able to accomplish (JUMP JETS ARE LEGENDARY YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!), but I can speak for the fact that Bioware is one of the few developers who proudly held up its fans as the driving force and motivation of their success. Andromeda is a beautiful game, and its predecessors were all masterpieces not only for their technical and artistic achievements but for their social and cultural significance. 

When my friend and I left the Bioware panel in the Montreal 2017 comic con, we immediately found our way to a bar in rue Sainte Catherine, where we reveled in the excitement of having seen the people responsible for our joy and passion. Over drinks, I lamented the wasted opportunity of not thanking you personally, so I do it now under the cover anonymity. I do it with words, because I like to think I am better at writing than I am speaking. I do it so I can express to you the indelible mark you left on my life. You gave me a hero who looked like me, and in turn I bonded with others from all over the world who felt that same happiness and gratitude. Yet we also spoke of our hopes: we hoped that people will take Bioware’s direction to further improve representation; to include people of color, people from the LGBT community, and other identities in the creative process. In the field of literary criticism, we often judge a work based on its ability to stage and engage with different audiences across geographic and temporal distances. The Mass Effect franchise was one such formidable work.

Suddenly those twenty years of gaming beforehand folded into a meaningless blur. None of them could ever fill the void of never seeing myself reflected in media. And, as sad it is to say with the recent news of Andromeda’s definitive end, I am not likely to encounter another. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

L------ (aka @pathfindersemail)

[samtheflamingomain]

the fractured but decent

I just finished the new South Park game, The Fractured But Whole, so naturally, I want to pick apart every detail and review it in disgusting depth.

It might seem unfair to compare it to Stick of Truth, but I have a feeling I'll be doing a lot of that.

Obviously, I'm a huge SP fanboy, and had been following the release of the game months beforehand. I watched an interview with Matt and Trey, and they gave a lot of insight into the game, how it would be different from SoT, and how it would be similar. That too will play into my analysis.

Obviously, spoilers ahead.

Let's divide this up for clarity. I'll go through general gameplay, plot, side quests and collectibles, mechanics/UI, and general thoughts, in that order.

Gameplay is a vague term so let's subdivide that: combat, powers, effects and exploration.

Combat is decent. I prefer the system set up in SoT, but the new system has its pros. I like the grid, moving around, and how your stats effect where you can move on the battleground. For example, Clyde has such a high "movement" stat that he can move almost anywhere on the grid.

But it can also get frustrating and confusing. Sometimes there's so many players on the board that moving becomes impossible. Sometimes you're stuck with combat buddies that can't attack, and sometimes it's unclear as to what the board will look like after your turn. For example, knockbacks and moves that change your location aren't always obvious as to how they’ll play out.

Finally, "inspection mode". It's meant to be used to get details on your friends and foes in battle, like their class, their health, and, most confusingly, their status effects and durations thereof. I never used it, and I think it just served to make combat more confusing.

Powers, I'll admit, kinda suck. Once you reach a point in the game where, for some back-assward reason, you unlock ALL POSSIBLE POWERS, it becomes a game of making a goddamn spreadsheet to weigh the pros and cons of more than 15 powers to decide which 4 you can have active in combat. Now, they give us a bit of help by allowing you to switch powers and buddies before a battle, but taking 20 minutes to pick your best powers beforehand is tedious, but also, unfortunately, necessary.

Also, they aren't very interesting or varied. Most powers involve a punch or hit, but there's like 8 of them that are basically the same. A lot don't make sense for their class, while others are completely useless. Finally, fuck all the healing powers. If you've got Kyle on your team, he's 50% a healer, so you have 2 (very weak) moves to use to deal damage. The healing items are much more effective, at least in my opinion.

Effects. What I mean by that is "Might", stats, and "artifacts". This is a lot of convoluted spreadsheet math again. There's hundreds of items that you can stick in your stats to improve your "Might". This is very hard to explain and even harder to balance.

Say you have six slots. There's more than 100 things that can go in those slots. Some of them improve your health stat, but eliminate your ability to move. Some of them downgrade your buddies' health while increasing your damage dealt. There's a total of (I think) 12 stats that can be affected by these "artifacts". Each one is assigned a number, and adding up all these numbers gives you your "Might" - which I still don't understand what, if anything, this means.

Exploration. Very little has changed since SoT in this department except there's fewer fast-travel locations, a slightly bigger map, and more (and better) puzzles throughout the world. One of my gripes would be the uselessness of many locations - a good 50% of the buildings or locations are only relevant once, and there's no need to revisit them later. (Canada, Mephesto's, the strip club, the Italian restaurant, City Wok, and U-Stor-It just to name a few).

But like I said, the puzzles are quite good, and actually challenging at times. Sometimes it involves spotting something a buddy can knock over, or noticing a little pinwheel that can get you on top of buildings. With the addition of the fart powers (reverse, pause, summon self and shift night/day), these puzzles are more complex and often have multiple steps involved.

Alright, onto the plot. I think it's much better than SoT. It starts out similar, with one faction of kids against the other, then brought together to fight a bigger foe. But they did this in a better, funnier, and ultimately more effective way, in my opinion.

For example, what seems like a silly side-quest leads to Stan (from the other faction) helping your faction, which then leads to both groups joining once they discover something bigger going on.

Now, this "bigger thing" is pretty confusing, especially at first. There's a lot of parts that don't seem to match up. The mayor is apparently failing the city, the cops are working for a racist slime monster (literally), and the sixth-graders are hoarding cats. It eventually comes together: the town is falling apart due to the main foe putting cat urine into the city's drugs and alcohol in order to cause chaos to usurp the mayor's seat. A lot of random groups get involved, like the sixth graders and Butters, to try and capitalize on the situation.

Which brings me to the second half of the game, where, in my opinion, a lot of comedic gold is made without it relying too much on nostalgia and throwbacks to the show. Mitch Conner, the main bad guy, is a joke I've never found particularly funny in the show, but in the game, it was easily one of the smartest moves they made.

"Mitch" (Cartman's hand puppet) kidnaps your parents in order to get you to help him win the mayoral race. As soon as this is revealed, all the characters react as they should: by blaming Cartman. No matter how much he insists "Mitch" is acting on his own, independent of himself, everyone turns on Cartman and he goes into hiding.

This, to me, is a much better way of bringing the plot together than in SoT, where the main villain's (Clyde’s) motivation is not very clear or believable. When we see "Mitch's" motivation for becoming mayor (to make every day Christmas), it's so absurd and Cartman-like that it works incredibly well.

And probably the funniest part of the game, right at the end, is when suddenly Mitch Conner takes over Kyle's hand. It makes no sense, but after the entire problem being blamed on Cartman, it takes a hilarious turn, suggesting that maybe Cartman really wasn't really behind everything after all.

And finally, the last battle. There's a bit of bullshit about going forward and back in time, but it ultimately leads to a hilarious battle where the characters fight themselves from the past - when they were still "playing" Stick of Truth. SuperCraig fights Thief Craig, Human Kite Kyle fights High Jew Elf Kyle and et cetera. There was also a great throwaway line from Wendy: "Hey, now I finally get to play Stick of Truth!"

Onto side quests and collectibles. I've stuck these together because they're pretty much the same. There's only maybe 8 side quests, and almost all of them are just "collect X and return to character Y". There's a lot to be desired in that department, in my opinion, but there is some good stuff in the "filling out your character sheet" plotline. Like the farting-flying-unicorn minigame where you help Kanye West's mother reach heaven so you can meet Jesus and choose your religion. Or when you have to learn about microagressions from PC Principal to choose your race.

As for the collectibles themselves, they're a bit much. Collect Yaoi, toilets, artifacts, costumes, Memberberries, Coonstagram followers, character sheets, cats. But that's up to you to care which achievements you pursue.

Now, mechanics and UI. This is the one category I will unapologetically shit on till the cows come home, with the exception of the phone menu, which is actually a very smart way to organize the massive amount of UI in place.

The artifact menu is a mess. It's confusing and frustrating. Same with the powers menu. Very hard to navigate intelligently. Props to the crafting menu, which is rather straightforward. But outside of the phone, the simple act of pulling up the map, seeing your quests and seeing your progress on those quests is very much lacking.

It gets even worse when we get into combat UI. When it's your turn, you get to choose between your three powers and healing items. It's actually somewhat trial-and-error when you go for an attack. Which power is most effective, and from which position on the board? It's a good thing it's turn-based and not timed, because I often found myself spending a good minute or two testing out every possible move.

And I'd be amiss if I didn't talk buddies. There's waaaay too many, and it's pretty easy to see the best ones and never change them: Wendy, Tweek, Cartman and Clyde were my team for the entire game, because nearly all the others have massive, gaping flaws in their combat abilities. For example, Stan only has two good moves, and they're very situation-dependent. They only help if he's in a specific spot and the enemies are lined up perfectly. He, along with Kyle, Kenny and Jimmy, are pretty useless.

Finally, general thoughts. Obviously, no matter my gripes, it's a great game. It's got enough from the last game and enough from the show to make it work. I found it much funnier than the last game, but, and here's one of my biggest problems with it: it was very short.

This brings me back to when I watched Matt and Trey talk about the game pre-release. They specifically said that this game would be longer. It only took me 20 hours to finish the main plotline AND all the side quests and collectibles. The last game took me nearly 30 hours just to finish the main quest. 

Also, they said the combat would be harder. It’s definitely more confusing and convoluted, but overall, it was pretty damn easy, (and I played on the hardest setting), and I only died maybe three times.

Two of the three fart powers (summon self and switch night/day) are pretty useless; I would've liked more interesting uses for these powers, or, even better, different ones. Reverse time and pause time have great applications in nearly every aspect of gameplay, whereas the other two only get used once or twice in very specific circumstances.

Again, I only gripe because I love the show and the games; I wouldn't put this much thought into it if I didn't. There was a lot that I feel like they missed out on, but there was definitely a lot that they got right. Every building has something to offer, unlike SoT, and there's a lot more in the way of puzzles, characters and overall comedy.

I do hope there'll be another game, but I don't know how that would really happen. If they're going to stick to the RPG genre, well, the kids have only ever played Game of Thrones and superheroes in the show. I don't know that there's another way to do this sort of game.

But hey, as we all know, Matt and Trey are full of surprises.

Stay Greater.

[samanthasroberts]

5 Hollywood Stories You See Everywhere (That Are Always BS)

Entertainment sites are facing a serious problem: There’s a limited number of things that happen every day, but their readers will click on an infinite amount of articles, as long as someone or something vaguely famous is involved. The solution? Follow the grand Internet tradition of making shit up. Print a headline saying “Bill Murray killed and ate Miley Cyrus!” and watch as it gets 100,000 shares before either of their publicists can deny it.

Now, all of us have fallen for stories like these in the past, but there are some particularly egregious types of bullshit articles that should really be setting off our hogwash alarms by now. Starting with …

#5. Stop Saying The Simpsons Predicted Stuff

The Internet is 80 percent porn, 70 percent fanfic on Tumblr, and 90 percent inaccurate statistics. Whatever’s left is made out of bullshit listicles about how some old Simpsons episode predicted today’s events. Apparently, they foresaw Donald Trump: Angry Half-Chewed Orange Starburst For President 15 years before it happened:

They also predicted that Lisa would be an adult by 2010, so …

But before you go proclaiming Matt Groening “King of the Psychics,” consider this: That episode aired in 2000. Guess what lying, hypocritical moron announced he’d be running for President in 2000? No no, the other one. Yes, Trump said he’d run for President under the Reform Party in 2000 (and had been talking about it since 1987), meaning The Simpsons predicted precisely squat. And as far as them “predicting” that President Trump would destroy the country … duhhhh. That’s like predicting grass will be green, or that a diaper will be loaded with shit.

Can anthropomorphic loaded diapers even legally run for president?

And we do this all. The. Fucking. Time. Unless some fat yellow dude destroys an entire city by pressing the wrong button at the power plant, it’s no big deal if real life imitates The Simpsons. It’s a topical show with damn near 600 episodes under its quarter-century-old belt. Of course there’s going to be overlap with reality — which hasn’t stopped sites like BuzzFeed from marveling over the matter. Let’s review their mind-blowing discoveries:

So the Simpsons made an irradiated food joke, and now Japan’s got irradiated fruit? That’s not a new idea. If anything, the vegetation around Chernobyl predicted The Simpsons. Oh, and the deformed Japanese veggies were bullshit anyway. Off to a good start, BuzzFeed!

OK. So. In 2004, a bunch of Ohio voting machines glitched and accidentally gave George W. Bush 4,000 extra votes. In 2008, the Simpsons satirized that incident. In 2012, it happened again for real. And that’s supposed to be a score for Homer and friends how? Just because your memory was crippled by all those ’90s nostalgia GIF parades doesn’t mean that the past suddenly didn’t happen, BuzzFeed.

This is probably the closest one: They successfully predicted that somebody who works with wild animals would eventually get attacked by one. Impressive. What’s next, claiming that The Simpsons predicted baseball players playing softball?

DICK TRACY, YOU ASSHOLES! THE JETSONS! EVEN THE FUCKING FLINTSTONES! Somebody got paid for this list! You know what, we’re moving on before this gives us an aneurysm.

Arrrrghhh! Too late!

#4. People Need To Chill About Idris Elba Playing James Bond

Eventually, Daniel Craig will stop being James Bond. And despite the fact that he’s a totally outdated character, tradition dictates that we’ll need a new one. One of the top names being bandied about is Idris Elba, who deviates from the Bond norm in one glaringly obvious way …

“The world isn’t ready for a Bond with facial hair. Sorry.”

OK, there’s also the race thing, an issue which Bond novelist Anthony Horowitz dealt with in the worst possible way. In an interview with The Daily Mail, he claimed that Elba would suck as Bond because he’s “too street.” The Internet responded by figuratively painting Horowitz’s naked body gold and leaving him to asphyxiate.

Most were only scandalized to find out there are still Bond books, though (or books in general).

First off, this quote came from The Daily Mail, so rage-sharing it is like raging over something the bad guy said at WrestleMania. Even worse, all these headlines conveniently ignore where he named other black actors he’d prefer play Bond. Everybody’s focused on “too rough” and “too street,” while see-no-eviling the part where he recommended Hustle‘s Adrian Lester instead.

There’s still a race issue at play here, of course — but not in the overt, simplistic way that everybody seeing red took it as. It’s deciding that black actors, who have proven their ability to play both suave and rough with equal tenacity, should only be one thing. Horowitz is typecasting Elba as a rough, street black man, and Lester as a suave, classy black man, and won’t let them sit at each other’s table. And nobody’s talking about this except … The Huffington Post? Really? Dear Internet: When BuzzFeed-Minus-Cat-GIFs is the voice of reason, it might be time to pay attention and rethink things.

Both because they’re right on the money, and because it’ll probably never happen again.

Ex-Bond Roger Moore got in similar hot water recently, accused of opposing Elba Bond over blackness. Moore himself had to clarify that he only said Bond should be 100 percent “English-English” — his interviewer later edited it so it seemed like he was talking about Elba. But you know what? When Elba finally becomes Bond and blows everyone out of their seats, all this ridiculous talk of race, class, and who’s street and who’s not will disappear. Because it’s the performance that matters, not the-

Wait … it was all a rumor? He’s NOT going to be Bond? There were never even talks of him being Bond, nothing but Daniel Craig dream-casting off the top of his head? We got all worked up over that? FUCK.

#3. Every Celebrity Death Hoax Comes From The Same Source: Your Idiot Friends

The world lost the best/worst father in movie history last August when James Earl Jones sadly passed away, according to the Internet. The only person who didn’t hear the news was James Earl Jones, who is still tweeting like normal. Yeah, it was another celebrity death hoax. So what happened? What crapbag news site yellow-journalism’d a beloved celebrity to an early grave this time?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooot dead yet, guys.”

None, as it turns out. The source is us. We fake-killed James Earl Jones, the same way we’ve fake-killed every other celebrity since the days of Netscape. We’re not merely part of the problem; we’re all of it.

The only source for Darth Vader’s voice reuniting with the Force was the Woodward-and-Bernstein-approved paragon of journalism called FeedNewz. But FeedNewz isn’t a fucking news site — its real name is prank.link, a content creator where any random asshole can plug anybody’s name into the generator and create a fake news story about them. When people clicked on the “James Earl Jones dies” link to learn how an 84-year-old man could possibly pass so suddenly, they got this instead:

“Also, his most famous line was ‘I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the Pimp‘ … from The Lion King.”

GET IT? You thought a thing happened, but it didn’t! Doesn’t that tickle-torture your ribs? Here’s another knee-slapper: Justin Bieber was raped and killed in Las Vegas … except he wasn’t! How gullible you must be, to think people die.

Don’t worry, David Caruso is on the case.

But if FakeNewz sounds too shady for your phony death needs, perhaps you’d prefer a website that sounds an awful lot like a legitimate one? FakeAWish.com will kill any celebrity you like and report it under the name “Global Associated News,” which is the biggest waste of an official-sounding name since Dr. Phil first called himself “Dr.” Then there’s MSMBC.co, where you create a fake death story (like this one for Arnold Schwarzenegger) complete with a link that looks exactly like MSNBC.com if you’re both blindly clicking on everything and actually blind. And when somebody clicks on it, they’re greeted not by a HAHA PWNED page, but a real-ish-looking news story that you can’t read until you share it with your distant uncle and that guy you haven’t talked to since college:

Or with no one, if you go with the Google+ option.

Alternatively, if using those sites is too much work, you can go with the absolute laziest option and create a “RIP [celebrity name]” Facebook page for someone who isn’t in fact RIPing … and then watch it grow inexplicably popular. Rowan “Johnny English” Atkinson, for example, has no fewer than two pre-posthumous Facebook pages, each with over 3,000 fans. For the sake of our species, we hope it’s simply the same 3,000 who fell for the same thing twice.

#2. Stop Pretending Everyone’s Offended By Movies

Hey, remember when those Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s new movie? It seems they were outraged over all the gross inaccuracies, blatant stereotyping, lazy jokes, and other things that have never, ever been in an Adam Sandler movie.

“We thought we were signing up for something more sophisticated, like a male deodorant ad.”

Notice how none of those headlines mention how many actors walked off the set, implying through omission that the number was “all of them”? Well, they did that for a reason: The real situation was way less volatile (and thus, more boring) than the hate-click media reported. According to one of the actors, only four out of 154 actors walked out, plus one consultant, leaving the rest to feel “betrayed” that they were being painted as “sell-outs” to the White Man. Oh, and another actor says they all saw the script beforehand, so those who quit probably should have seen the terribleness coming, even if they haven’t been to a cinema since Big Daddy came out.

Precedent shows “pee-pee on your teepee” wasn’t going to be a metaphor.

Then there’s Mad Max: Fury Road and the supposed shitstorm it caused among Men’s Rights Activists for daring to include women kicking ass:

“Feminists started all the wars,” one anonymous member said.

Makes sense, right? Babies throw tantrums. MRAs are babies, so they’re throwing tantrums. Except they weren’t. This entire story came from one blog post on We Hunted The Mammoth, which centered around the anti-Furiosa furor on Return Of Kings, a site so viciously anti-woman even Al Bundy would yell at them to grow the fuck up. But RoK isn’t a MRA site — just some random cootiephobes — and nowhere on Mammoth does it confuse the two. Every other site, desperate for traffic, did that.

Misogynists want her to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches, while MRAs want her to stop destroying masculinity. And to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches.

Did legitimate Men’s Rights Assbags hate Fury Road? Sure, because vagina. But they’re not nearly smart enough to organize some massive boycott of a film $375 million worth of people saw anyway. Also, despite what leading MRA loudmouths fantasize about while jerking off with mini-tweezers, nobody was “paid to put [an MRA boycott story] in the press.” It was lazy and biased, adjectives with which MRAs should be plenty familiar. And finally, we have the time the Noah movie threw every Christian into a hateful tizzy:

That’s a lot of cheek not-turning.

A survey of over 5,000 people found a whopping 98 percent were tut-tutting the movie for bastardizing the Bible. One problem: That survey focused on “faith-driven consumers,” and was organized by an ultra-religious group called … FAITH DRIVEN CONSUMER. They urge boycotts of anything that disagrees with their interpretation of the Bible, and are the same company behind IStandWithPhil, a petition to reinstate that homophobic guy from Duck Dynasty. Even Family Feud surveys like “Name a body part that rhymes with ‘eenis’” aren’t that obviously slanted.

#1. Nope, That Actor Didn’t Confirm A Sequel To That Movie

You know how we’ve dumbed down “literally” and “irony” so morons can feel literate too? “I literally ate an entire pig yesterday, and ironically, I literally ate an entire pig today, too!” We’re doing that crap with “confirm” now. Where once it meant “official news from an official source,” it now means “anybody saying anything about anything.”

Like these constant breaking news stories about a celebrity “confirming” a sequel to some film, when it turns out all they really said was “yeah it’d be cool to do that maybe.” Recently, the Internet went bonkers over Keanu Reeves supposedly saying that Speed 3 was going to happen:

The biggest question now is: Which of the e’s will they replace with a 3?

But no, Speed 3 isn’t happening, for two reasons. Number one: Speed 2. Number two: Keanu was making a goddamn joke. Some reporter asked him about Speed 3, and he said, “Oh my god, Speed 3: Redemption. Sure. Jack Traven kind of like, dusting it off.” That’s sarcasm, folks — another term we’ve dumbed down because nobody can get it right.

Granted, it can be hard to tell with this guy.

Even SlashFilm admits (at the end, when everybody’s stopped reading) that this is probably a non-story, writing “I’m not sure I take the affirmative answer that seriously, but he said it and it’s our job to tell you what he said.” It’s also your job to cleverly edit your headlines so overexcited Speed demons click and share your gossip without a second thought, it would seem.

Ewan McGregor ran into this too, with headlines screaming about how he’d be down with doing Trainspotting 2, even though it’s absolutely not happening.

How old is the ceiling baby now, anyway?

Good God, three paragraphs in, the man admits “I’ve not seen a script yet and I don’t know if there is one.” And yet People reported this anyway. You might as well report on him debating whether to order pizza or Chinese food.

Even Beetlejuice 2 isn’t as done a deal as the headlines make it seem:

Michael Keaton better start practicing his surf moves.

This “confirmation” was her going on Seth Meyers and yammering, “Um, I think I can confirm it, because Tim Burton did this interview — like, it was very hush-hush, top secret … and then he was doing some press for Big Eyes and he did an on-camera interview and he said, ‘Oh yeah, we’re doing it and Winona’s going to be in it,’ and I was like [shocked face].”

And we were like [unimpressed face]. Until some studio gives us an official release date (like Universal recently did with Jurassic World 2), Beetlejuice 2: At Least Lydia’s Legal This Time is nothing but actors talking.

But boy do we love when actors talk — we’ll believe anything they say, even when it’s so obviously a stupid joke. Like Michael Shannon saying he would return as General Zod for Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice, but with flipper hands:

That’s almost as silly as the name of the movie.

Notice how none of those headlines say “flipper hands”? That’s because even the writers know it’s bollocks, but they still want to suck you in and get your clicks, so they tease you “new details” and “strange change.” Except according to Shannon himself, Zod is stone dead, he only appears via voiceover, and the flipper thing was him being a silly goose:

A Batman story starring a guy with flippers? That’s preposterous.

Welcome to the Internet, Shannon, where you can’t believe everything you read, except for that one thing you’re about to share with your buddies. That thing? Totally believable.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/12/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/

[cyberpunktime-blog1]

Hand Shakers [Ep. 5] REVIEW

Well THIS episode was a real refresher after the dodgy writing I saw in Episode 4. Here we have a more relaxed yet slightly more complex episode of Hand Shakers, where the whole setup of Tazuna always having to hold Koyori’s hand is used to the story’s advantage, and it has an additional theme if you like, one of card based strategy games, that actually works with this anime’s style in my opinion. 

So in Episode 5 of Hand Shakers, we see further development of Tazuna’s so called “things must mesh” ideology. I didn’t really understand all that properly up until this episode, but now it’s clear that when Tazuna saw that automated food delivery device in Chizuru’s restaurant place, he focussed hard and tried to obsessively figure out how the system works so that things would make sense, or “mesh”, in his mind.  This scene didn’t necessarily make Tazuna a more well rounded character as he is still a cliche leading school age male, but it did make Tazuna’s whole approach to thinking clearer.

So then later on, Tazuna and Koyori are walking through Japan, and suddenly Koyori separates from Tazuna, and Koyori is lost. How does this happen? Goodness knows. And you know, for a really important plot point in this episode, it really should have been more sensical as to why Koyori separated from Tazuna in the first place. They were holding hands, right? So what the hell happened?

So anyway, Koyori feels lonely, but then Lily appears and helps Koyori. Now, I totally forgot about Lily, and frankly I only recognised her from previous episodes because of her huge breasts. And so Lily takes Koyori to a card strategy game tournament where Lily’s younger brother is an ace player. Now I must say that whole card strategy game thing in this episode was actually really, really nice to watch. 

This anime is a visual fest, right? So us being presented with a strategy card game being played within a visual fest, along with relaxing music, totally worked in this episode as, for a moment, this episode looked like a cool and collected slice of life anime about kids playing a strategy game with each other. Awesome! That is totally the kind of anime this anime studio should do next!

Meanwhile, Tazuna meets this business guy who can’t talk with much sense, and wow the scene between the two was so boring because the conversation, naturally, had no flow. The business guys says things that we already knew, and man the whole scene was boring.

So after Koyori suddenly becomes good at the card game, we find out what makes the relationship between Lily and her brother remotely unique. Incest. That’s right, people. INCEST. Lily is in love with her brother for no reason. How deep and fascinating! 

Then Tazuna meets up with Koyori because Lily had phoned Tazuna earlier, and surprise surprise, Lily and her brother are Hand Shakers, and for some reason they suddenly want to fight Tazuna and Koyori. Now what’s really odd is that Lily didn’t know that Tazuna and Koyori were Hand Shakers beforehand... Surely as a Hand Shaker herself, Lily would have sensed it?

So yeah, this episode was nice in that it used the whole setup of Tazuna having to hold Koyori’s hand or else she dies to this episode’s advantage as there was a natural tension there when they got suddenly separated (somehow), and I really did like the whole card strategy game scenes as they worked with this anime’s style - far better than the action scenes of which this anime is primarily built on. 

There was a massive plot hole and I think there could have been something more deeper to Lily and her brother’s relationship asides from bloody incest, but overall this episode felt refreshing. 

Now let’s see if the whole motivation for Lily and her brother for fighting Tazuna and Koyori will be revealed - and hopefully it will be something more deeper and more meaningful than their relationship...

[adambstingus]

5 Hollywood Stories You See Everywhere (That Are Always BS)

Entertainment sites are facing a serious problem: There’s a limited number of things that happen every day, but their readers will click on an infinite amount of articles, as long as someone or something vaguely famous is involved. The solution? Follow the grand Internet tradition of making shit up. Print a headline saying “Bill Murray killed and ate Miley Cyrus!” and watch as it gets 100,000 shares before either of their publicists can deny it.

Now, all of us have fallen for stories like these in the past, but there are some particularly egregious types of bullshit articles that should really be setting off our hogwash alarms by now. Starting with …

#5. Stop Saying The Simpsons Predicted Stuff

The Internet is 80 percent porn, 70 percent fanfic on Tumblr, and 90 percent inaccurate statistics. Whatever’s left is made out of bullshit listicles about how some old Simpsons episode predicted today’s events. Apparently, they foresaw Donald Trump: Angry Half-Chewed Orange Starburst For President 15 years before it happened:

They also predicted that Lisa would be an adult by 2010, so …

But before you go proclaiming Matt Groening “King of the Psychics,” consider this: That episode aired in 2000. Guess what lying, hypocritical moron announced he’d be running for President in 2000? No no, the other one. Yes, Trump said he’d run for President under the Reform Party in 2000 (and had been talking about it since 1987), meaning The Simpsons predicted precisely squat. And as far as them “predicting” that President Trump would destroy the country … duhhhh. That’s like predicting grass will be green, or that a diaper will be loaded with shit.

Can anthropomorphic loaded diapers even legally run for president?

And we do this all. The. Fucking. Time. Unless some fat yellow dude destroys an entire city by pressing the wrong button at the power plant, it’s no big deal if real life imitates The Simpsons. It’s a topical show with damn near 600 episodes under its quarter-century-old belt. Of course there’s going to be overlap with reality — which hasn’t stopped sites like BuzzFeed from marveling over the matter. Let’s review their mind-blowing discoveries:

So the Simpsons made an irradiated food joke, and now Japan’s got irradiated fruit? That’s not a new idea. If anything, the vegetation around Chernobyl predicted The Simpsons. Oh, and the deformed Japanese veggies were bullshit anyway. Off to a good start, BuzzFeed!

OK. So. In 2004, a bunch of Ohio voting machines glitched and accidentally gave George W. Bush 4,000 extra votes. In 2008, the Simpsons satirized that incident. In 2012, it happened again for real. And that’s supposed to be a score for Homer and friends how? Just because your memory was crippled by all those ’90s nostalgia GIF parades doesn’t mean that the past suddenly didn’t happen, BuzzFeed.

This is probably the closest one: They successfully predicted that somebody who works with wild animals would eventually get attacked by one. Impressive. What’s next, claiming that The Simpsons predicted baseball players playing softball?

DICK TRACY, YOU ASSHOLES! THE JETSONS! EVEN THE FUCKING FLINTSTONES! Somebody got paid for this list! You know what, we’re moving on before this gives us an aneurysm.

Arrrrghhh! Too late!

#4. People Need To Chill About Idris Elba Playing James Bond

Eventually, Daniel Craig will stop being James Bond. And despite the fact that he’s a totally outdated character, tradition dictates that we’ll need a new one. One of the top names being bandied about is Idris Elba, who deviates from the Bond norm in one glaringly obvious way …

“The world isn’t ready for a Bond with facial hair. Sorry.”

OK, there’s also the race thing, an issue which Bond novelist Anthony Horowitz dealt with in the worst possible way. In an interview with The Daily Mail, he claimed that Elba would suck as Bond because he’s “too street.” The Internet responded by figuratively painting Horowitz’s naked body gold and leaving him to asphyxiate.

Most were only scandalized to find out there are still Bond books, though (or books in general).

First off, this quote came from The Daily Mail, so rage-sharing it is like raging over something the bad guy said at WrestleMania. Even worse, all these headlines conveniently ignore where he named other black actors he’d prefer play Bond. Everybody’s focused on “too rough” and “too street,” while see-no-eviling the part where he recommended Hustle‘s Adrian Lester instead.

There’s still a race issue at play here, of course — but not in the overt, simplistic way that everybody seeing red took it as. It’s deciding that black actors, who have proven their ability to play both suave and rough with equal tenacity, should only be one thing. Horowitz is typecasting Elba as a rough, street black man, and Lester as a suave, classy black man, and won’t let them sit at each other’s table. And nobody’s talking about this except … The Huffington Post? Really? Dear Internet: When BuzzFeed-Minus-Cat-GIFs is the voice of reason, it might be time to pay attention and rethink things.

Both because they’re right on the money, and because it’ll probably never happen again.

Ex-Bond Roger Moore got in similar hot water recently, accused of opposing Elba Bond over blackness. Moore himself had to clarify that he only said Bond should be 100 percent “English-English” — his interviewer later edited it so it seemed like he was talking about Elba. But you know what? When Elba finally becomes Bond and blows everyone out of their seats, all this ridiculous talk of race, class, and who’s street and who’s not will disappear. Because it’s the performance that matters, not the-

Wait … it was all a rumor? He’s NOT going to be Bond? There were never even talks of him being Bond, nothing but Daniel Craig dream-casting off the top of his head? We got all worked up over that? FUCK.

#3. Every Celebrity Death Hoax Comes From The Same Source: Your Idiot Friends

The world lost the best/worst father in movie history last August when James Earl Jones sadly passed away, according to the Internet. The only person who didn’t hear the news was James Earl Jones, who is still tweeting like normal. Yeah, it was another celebrity death hoax. So what happened? What crapbag news site yellow-journalism’d a beloved celebrity to an early grave this time?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooot dead yet, guys.”

None, as it turns out. The source is us. We fake-killed James Earl Jones, the same way we’ve fake-killed every other celebrity since the days of Netscape. We’re not merely part of the problem; we’re all of it.

The only source for Darth Vader’s voice reuniting with the Force was the Woodward-and-Bernstein-approved paragon of journalism called FeedNewz. But FeedNewz isn’t a fucking news site — its real name is prank.link, a content creator where any random asshole can plug anybody’s name into the generator and create a fake news story about them. When people clicked on the “James Earl Jones dies” link to learn how an 84-year-old man could possibly pass so suddenly, they got this instead:

“Also, his most famous line was ‘I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the Pimp‘ … from The Lion King.”

GET IT? You thought a thing happened, but it didn’t! Doesn’t that tickle-torture your ribs? Here’s another knee-slapper: Justin Bieber was raped and killed in Las Vegas … except he wasn’t! How gullible you must be, to think people die.

Don’t worry, David Caruso is on the case.

But if FakeNewz sounds too shady for your phony death needs, perhaps you’d prefer a website that sounds an awful lot like a legitimate one? FakeAWish.com will kill any celebrity you like and report it under the name “Global Associated News,” which is the biggest waste of an official-sounding name since Dr. Phil first called himself “Dr.” Then there’s MSMBC.co, where you create a fake death story (like this one for Arnold Schwarzenegger) complete with a link that looks exactly like MSNBC.com if you’re both blindly clicking on everything and actually blind. And when somebody clicks on it, they’re greeted not by a HAHA PWNED page, but a real-ish-looking news story that you can’t read until you share it with your distant uncle and that guy you haven’t talked to since college:

Or with no one, if you go with the Google+ option.

Alternatively, if using those sites is too much work, you can go with the absolute laziest option and create a “RIP [celebrity name]” Facebook page for someone who isn’t in fact RIPing … and then watch it grow inexplicably popular. Rowan “Johnny English” Atkinson, for example, has no fewer than two pre-posthumous Facebook pages, each with over 3,000 fans. For the sake of our species, we hope it’s simply the same 3,000 who fell for the same thing twice.

#2. Stop Pretending Everyone’s Offended By Movies

Hey, remember when those Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s new movie? It seems they were outraged over all the gross inaccuracies, blatant stereotyping, lazy jokes, and other things that have never, ever been in an Adam Sandler movie.

“We thought we were signing up for something more sophisticated, like a male deodorant ad.”

Notice how none of those headlines mention how many actors walked off the set, implying through omission that the number was “all of them”? Well, they did that for a reason: The real situation was way less volatile (and thus, more boring) than the hate-click media reported. According to one of the actors, only four out of 154 actors walked out, plus one consultant, leaving the rest to feel “betrayed” that they were being painted as “sell-outs” to the White Man. Oh, and another actor says they all saw the script beforehand, so those who quit probably should have seen the terribleness coming, even if they haven’t been to a cinema since Big Daddy came out.

Precedent shows “pee-pee on your teepee” wasn’t going to be a metaphor.

Then there’s Mad Max: Fury Road and the supposed shitstorm it caused among Men’s Rights Activists for daring to include women kicking ass:

“Feminists started all the wars,” one anonymous member said.

Makes sense, right? Babies throw tantrums. MRAs are babies, so they’re throwing tantrums. Except they weren’t. This entire story came from one blog post on We Hunted The Mammoth, which centered around the anti-Furiosa furor on Return Of Kings, a site so viciously anti-woman even Al Bundy would yell at them to grow the fuck up. But RoK isn’t a MRA site — just some random cootiephobes — and nowhere on Mammoth does it confuse the two. Every other site, desperate for traffic, did that.

Misogynists want her to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches, while MRAs want her to stop destroying masculinity. And to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches.

Did legitimate Men’s Rights Assbags hate Fury Road? Sure, because vagina. But they’re not nearly smart enough to organize some massive boycott of a film $375 million worth of people saw anyway. Also, despite what leading MRA loudmouths fantasize about while jerking off with mini-tweezers, nobody was “paid to put [an MRA boycott story] in the press.” It was lazy and biased, adjectives with which MRAs should be plenty familiar. And finally, we have the time the Noah movie threw every Christian into a hateful tizzy:

That’s a lot of cheek not-turning.

A survey of over 5,000 people found a whopping 98 percent were tut-tutting the movie for bastardizing the Bible. One problem: That survey focused on “faith-driven consumers,” and was organized by an ultra-religious group called … FAITH DRIVEN CONSUMER. They urge boycotts of anything that disagrees with their interpretation of the Bible, and are the same company behind IStandWithPhil, a petition to reinstate that homophobic guy from Duck Dynasty. Even Family Feud surveys like “Name a body part that rhymes with ‘eenis'” aren’t that obviously slanted.

#1. Nope, That Actor Didn’t Confirm A Sequel To That Movie

You know how we’ve dumbed down “literally” and “irony” so morons can feel literate too? “I literally ate an entire pig yesterday, and ironically, I literally ate an entire pig today, too!” We’re doing that crap with “confirm” now. Where once it meant “official news from an official source,” it now means “anybody saying anything about anything.”

Like these constant breaking news stories about a celebrity “confirming” a sequel to some film, when it turns out all they really said was “yeah it’d be cool to do that maybe.” Recently, the Internet went bonkers over Keanu Reeves supposedly saying that Speed 3 was going to happen:

The biggest question now is: Which of the e’s will they replace with a 3?

But no, Speed 3 isn’t happening, for two reasons. Number one: Speed 2. Number two: Keanu was making a goddamn joke. Some reporter asked him about Speed 3, and he said, “Oh my god, Speed 3: Redemption. Sure. Jack Traven kind of like, dusting it off.” That’s sarcasm, folks — another term we’ve dumbed down because nobody can get it right.

Granted, it can be hard to tell with this guy.

Even SlashFilm admits (at the end, when everybody’s stopped reading) that this is probably a non-story, writing “I’m not sure I take the affirmative answer that seriously, but he said it and it’s our job to tell you what he said.” It’s also your job to cleverly edit your headlines so overexcited Speed demons click and share your gossip without a second thought, it would seem.

Ewan McGregor ran into this too, with headlines screaming about how he’d be down with doing Trainspotting 2, even though it’s absolutely not happening.

How old is the ceiling baby now, anyway?

Good God, three paragraphs in, the man admits “I’ve not seen a script yet and I don’t know if there is one.” And yet People reported this anyway. You might as well report on him debating whether to order pizza or Chinese food.

Even Beetlejuice 2 isn’t as done a deal as the headlines make it seem:

Michael Keaton better start practicing his surf moves.

This “confirmation” was her going on Seth Meyers and yammering, “Um, I think I can confirm it, because Tim Burton did this interview — like, it was very hush-hush, top secret … and then he was doing some press for Big Eyes and he did an on-camera interview and he said, ‘Oh yeah, we’re doing it and Winona’s going to be in it,’ and I was like [shocked face].”

And we were like [unimpressed face]. Until some studio gives us an official release date (like Universal recently did with Jurassic World 2), Beetlejuice 2: At Least Lydia’s Legal This Time is nothing but actors talking.

But boy do we love when actors talk — we’ll believe anything they say, even when it’s so obviously a stupid joke. Like Michael Shannon saying he would return as General Zod for Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice, but with flipper hands:

That’s almost as silly as the name of the movie.

Notice how none of those headlines say “flipper hands”? That’s because even the writers know it’s bollocks, but they still want to suck you in and get your clicks, so they tease you “new details” and “strange change.” Except according to Shannon himself, Zod is stone dead, he only appears via voiceover, and the flipper thing was him being a silly goose:

A Batman story starring a guy with flippers? That’s preposterous.

Welcome to the Internet, Shannon, where you can’t believe everything you read, except for that one thing you’re about to share with your buddies. That thing? Totally believable.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182767620712

[allofbeercom]

5 Hollywood Stories You See Everywhere (That Are Always BS)

Entertainment sites are facing a serious problem: There’s a limited number of things that happen every day, but their readers will click on an infinite amount of articles, as long as someone or something vaguely famous is involved. The solution? Follow the grand Internet tradition of making shit up. Print a headline saying “Bill Murray killed and ate Miley Cyrus!” and watch as it gets 100,000 shares before either of their publicists can deny it.

Now, all of us have fallen for stories like these in the past, but there are some particularly egregious types of bullshit articles that should really be setting off our hogwash alarms by now. Starting with …

#5. Stop Saying The Simpsons Predicted Stuff

The Internet is 80 percent porn, 70 percent fanfic on Tumblr, and 90 percent inaccurate statistics. Whatever’s left is made out of bullshit listicles about how some old Simpsons episode predicted today’s events. Apparently, they foresaw Donald Trump: Angry Half-Chewed Orange Starburst For President 15 years before it happened:

They also predicted that Lisa would be an adult by 2010, so …

But before you go proclaiming Matt Groening “King of the Psychics,” consider this: That episode aired in 2000. Guess what lying, hypocritical moron announced he’d be running for President in 2000? No no, the other one. Yes, Trump said he’d run for President under the Reform Party in 2000 (and had been talking about it since 1987), meaning The Simpsons predicted precisely squat. And as far as them “predicting” that President Trump would destroy the country … duhhhh. That’s like predicting grass will be green, or that a diaper will be loaded with shit.

Can anthropomorphic loaded diapers even legally run for president?

And we do this all. The. Fucking. Time. Unless some fat yellow dude destroys an entire city by pressing the wrong button at the power plant, it’s no big deal if real life imitates The Simpsons. It’s a topical show with damn near 600 episodes under its quarter-century-old belt. Of course there’s going to be overlap with reality — which hasn’t stopped sites like BuzzFeed from marveling over the matter. Let’s review their mind-blowing discoveries:

So the Simpsons made an irradiated food joke, and now Japan’s got irradiated fruit? That’s not a new idea. If anything, the vegetation around Chernobyl predicted The Simpsons. Oh, and the deformed Japanese veggies were bullshit anyway. Off to a good start, BuzzFeed!

OK. So. In 2004, a bunch of Ohio voting machines glitched and accidentally gave George W. Bush 4,000 extra votes. In 2008, the Simpsons satirized that incident. In 2012, it happened again for real. And that’s supposed to be a score for Homer and friends how? Just because your memory was crippled by all those ’90s nostalgia GIF parades doesn’t mean that the past suddenly didn’t happen, BuzzFeed.

This is probably the closest one: They successfully predicted that somebody who works with wild animals would eventually get attacked by one. Impressive. What’s next, claiming that The Simpsons predicted baseball players playing softball?

DICK TRACY, YOU ASSHOLES! THE JETSONS! EVEN THE FUCKING FLINTSTONES! Somebody got paid for this list! You know what, we’re moving on before this gives us an aneurysm.

Arrrrghhh! Too late!

#4. People Need To Chill About Idris Elba Playing James Bond

Eventually, Daniel Craig will stop being James Bond. And despite the fact that he’s a totally outdated character, tradition dictates that we’ll need a new one. One of the top names being bandied about is Idris Elba, who deviates from the Bond norm in one glaringly obvious way …

“The world isn’t ready for a Bond with facial hair. Sorry.”

OK, there’s also the race thing, an issue which Bond novelist Anthony Horowitz dealt with in the worst possible way. In an interview with The Daily Mail, he claimed that Elba would suck as Bond because he’s “too street.” The Internet responded by figuratively painting Horowitz’s naked body gold and leaving him to asphyxiate.

Most were only scandalized to find out there are still Bond books, though (or books in general).

First off, this quote came from The Daily Mail, so rage-sharing it is like raging over something the bad guy said at WrestleMania. Even worse, all these headlines conveniently ignore where he named other black actors he’d prefer play Bond. Everybody’s focused on “too rough” and “too street,” while see-no-eviling the part where he recommended Hustle‘s Adrian Lester instead.

There’s still a race issue at play here, of course — but not in the overt, simplistic way that everybody seeing red took it as. It’s deciding that black actors, who have proven their ability to play both suave and rough with equal tenacity, should only be one thing. Horowitz is typecasting Elba as a rough, street black man, and Lester as a suave, classy black man, and won’t let them sit at each other’s table. And nobody’s talking about this except … The Huffington Post? Really? Dear Internet: When BuzzFeed-Minus-Cat-GIFs is the voice of reason, it might be time to pay attention and rethink things.

Both because they’re right on the money, and because it’ll probably never happen again.

Ex-Bond Roger Moore got in similar hot water recently, accused of opposing Elba Bond over blackness. Moore himself had to clarify that he only said Bond should be 100 percent “English-English” — his interviewer later edited it so it seemed like he was talking about Elba. But you know what? When Elba finally becomes Bond and blows everyone out of their seats, all this ridiculous talk of race, class, and who’s street and who’s not will disappear. Because it’s the performance that matters, not the-

Wait … it was all a rumor? He’s NOT going to be Bond? There were never even talks of him being Bond, nothing but Daniel Craig dream-casting off the top of his head? We got all worked up over that? FUCK.

#3. Every Celebrity Death Hoax Comes From The Same Source: Your Idiot Friends

The world lost the best/worst father in movie history last August when James Earl Jones sadly passed away, according to the Internet. The only person who didn’t hear the news was James Earl Jones, who is still tweeting like normal. Yeah, it was another celebrity death hoax. So what happened? What crapbag news site yellow-journalism’d a beloved celebrity to an early grave this time?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooot dead yet, guys.”

None, as it turns out. The source is us. We fake-killed James Earl Jones, the same way we’ve fake-killed every other celebrity since the days of Netscape. We’re not merely part of the problem; we’re all of it.

The only source for Darth Vader’s voice reuniting with the Force was the Woodward-and-Bernstein-approved paragon of journalism called FeedNewz. But FeedNewz isn’t a fucking news site — its real name is prank.link, a content creator where any random asshole can plug anybody’s name into the generator and create a fake news story about them. When people clicked on the “James Earl Jones dies” link to learn how an 84-year-old man could possibly pass so suddenly, they got this instead:

“Also, his most famous line was ‘I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the Pimp‘ … from The Lion King.”

GET IT? You thought a thing happened, but it didn’t! Doesn’t that tickle-torture your ribs? Here’s another knee-slapper: Justin Bieber was raped and killed in Las Vegas … except he wasn’t! How gullible you must be, to think people die.

Don’t worry, David Caruso is on the case.

But if FakeNewz sounds too shady for your phony death needs, perhaps you’d prefer a website that sounds an awful lot like a legitimate one? FakeAWish.com will kill any celebrity you like and report it under the name “Global Associated News,” which is the biggest waste of an official-sounding name since Dr. Phil first called himself “Dr.” Then there’s MSMBC.co, where you create a fake death story (like this one for Arnold Schwarzenegger) complete with a link that looks exactly like MSNBC.com if you’re both blindly clicking on everything and actually blind. And when somebody clicks on it, they’re greeted not by a HAHA PWNED page, but a real-ish-looking news story that you can’t read until you share it with your distant uncle and that guy you haven’t talked to since college:

Or with no one, if you go with the Google+ option.

Alternatively, if using those sites is too much work, you can go with the absolute laziest option and create a “RIP [celebrity name]” Facebook page for someone who isn’t in fact RIPing … and then watch it grow inexplicably popular. Rowan “Johnny English” Atkinson, for example, has no fewer than two pre-posthumous Facebook pages, each with over 3,000 fans. For the sake of our species, we hope it’s simply the same 3,000 who fell for the same thing twice.

#2. Stop Pretending Everyone’s Offended By Movies

Hey, remember when those Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s new movie? It seems they were outraged over all the gross inaccuracies, blatant stereotyping, lazy jokes, and other things that have never, ever been in an Adam Sandler movie.

“We thought we were signing up for something more sophisticated, like a male deodorant ad.”

Notice how none of those headlines mention how many actors walked off the set, implying through omission that the number was “all of them”? Well, they did that for a reason: The real situation was way less volatile (and thus, more boring) than the hate-click media reported. According to one of the actors, only four out of 154 actors walked out, plus one consultant, leaving the rest to feel “betrayed” that they were being painted as “sell-outs” to the White Man. Oh, and another actor says they all saw the script beforehand, so those who quit probably should have seen the terribleness coming, even if they haven’t been to a cinema since Big Daddy came out.

Precedent shows “pee-pee on your teepee” wasn’t going to be a metaphor.

Then there’s Mad Max: Fury Road and the supposed shitstorm it caused among Men’s Rights Activists for daring to include women kicking ass:

“Feminists started all the wars,” one anonymous member said.

Makes sense, right? Babies throw tantrums. MRAs are babies, so they’re throwing tantrums. Except they weren’t. This entire story came from one blog post on We Hunted The Mammoth, which centered around the anti-Furiosa furor on Return Of Kings, a site so viciously anti-woman even Al Bundy would yell at them to grow the fuck up. But RoK isn’t a MRA site — just some random cootiephobes — and nowhere on Mammoth does it confuse the two. Every other site, desperate for traffic, did that.

Misogynists want her to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches, while MRAs want her to stop destroying masculinity. And to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches.

Did legitimate Men’s Rights Assbags hate Fury Road? Sure, because vagina. But they’re not nearly smart enough to organize some massive boycott of a film $375 million worth of people saw anyway. Also, despite what leading MRA loudmouths fantasize about while jerking off with mini-tweezers, nobody was “paid to put [an MRA boycott story] in the press.” It was lazy and biased, adjectives with which MRAs should be plenty familiar. And finally, we have the time the Noah movie threw every Christian into a hateful tizzy:

That’s a lot of cheek not-turning.

A survey of over 5,000 people found a whopping 98 percent were tut-tutting the movie for bastardizing the Bible. One problem: That survey focused on “faith-driven consumers,” and was organized by an ultra-religious group called … FAITH DRIVEN CONSUMER. They urge boycotts of anything that disagrees with their interpretation of the Bible, and are the same company behind IStandWithPhil, a petition to reinstate that homophobic guy from Duck Dynasty. Even Family Feud surveys like “Name a body part that rhymes with ‘eenis'” aren’t that obviously slanted.

#1. Nope, That Actor Didn’t Confirm A Sequel To That Movie

You know how we’ve dumbed down “literally” and “irony” so morons can feel literate too? “I literally ate an entire pig yesterday, and ironically, I literally ate an entire pig today, too!” We’re doing that crap with “confirm” now. Where once it meant “official news from an official source,” it now means “anybody saying anything about anything.”

Like these constant breaking news stories about a celebrity “confirming” a sequel to some film, when it turns out all they really said was “yeah it’d be cool to do that maybe.” Recently, the Internet went bonkers over Keanu Reeves supposedly saying that Speed 3 was going to happen:

The biggest question now is: Which of the e’s will they replace with a 3?

But no, Speed 3 isn’t happening, for two reasons. Number one: Speed 2. Number two: Keanu was making a goddamn joke. Some reporter asked him about Speed 3, and he said, “Oh my god, Speed 3: Redemption. Sure. Jack Traven kind of like, dusting it off.” That’s sarcasm, folks — another term we’ve dumbed down because nobody can get it right.

Granted, it can be hard to tell with this guy.

Even SlashFilm admits (at the end, when everybody’s stopped reading) that this is probably a non-story, writing “I’m not sure I take the affirmative answer that seriously, but he said it and it’s our job to tell you what he said.” It’s also your job to cleverly edit your headlines so overexcited Speed demons click and share your gossip without a second thought, it would seem.

Ewan McGregor ran into this too, with headlines screaming about how he’d be down with doing Trainspotting 2, even though it’s absolutely not happening.

How old is the ceiling baby now, anyway?

Good God, three paragraphs in, the man admits “I’ve not seen a script yet and I don’t know if there is one.” And yet People reported this anyway. You might as well report on him debating whether to order pizza or Chinese food.

Even Beetlejuice 2 isn’t as done a deal as the headlines make it seem:

Michael Keaton better start practicing his surf moves.

This “confirmation” was her going on Seth Meyers and yammering, “Um, I think I can confirm it, because Tim Burton did this interview — like, it was very hush-hush, top secret … and then he was doing some press for Big Eyes and he did an on-camera interview and he said, ‘Oh yeah, we’re doing it and Winona’s going to be in it,’ and I was like [shocked face].”

And we were like [unimpressed face]. Until some studio gives us an official release date (like Universal recently did with Jurassic World 2), Beetlejuice 2: At Least Lydia’s Legal This Time is nothing but actors talking.

But boy do we love when actors talk — we’ll believe anything they say, even when it’s so obviously a stupid joke. Like Michael Shannon saying he would return as General Zod for Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice, but with flipper hands:

That’s almost as silly as the name of the movie.

Notice how none of those headlines say “flipper hands”? That’s because even the writers know it’s bollocks, but they still want to suck you in and get your clicks, so they tease you “new details” and “strange change.” Except according to Shannon himself, Zod is stone dead, he only appears via voiceover, and the flipper thing was him being a silly goose:

A Batman story starring a guy with flippers? That’s preposterous.

Welcome to the Internet, Shannon, where you can’t believe everything you read, except for that one thing you’re about to share with your buddies. That thing? Totally believable.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/

[rhuemis]

13

13. Introduce your current party.

hoo boy so we got: 

-Scales

-Rhys

-Jeckyl

-Isiah

imma put the lengthy descriptions under a read more aha

Scales ((I dont think Scales even has a surname lmfao)):

-Warlock but insists that hes the party medic

-A white dragonborn that was born without scales due to a birth defect who has more than a few screws lose, calls himself a ‘doctor’ and we cant quite tell whether thats the truth or not

-Grew up in a brothel and now travels with the party to gain ‘medical knowledge’ whatever that means

-Has dissected the corpse of a literal god, harvests organs from whatever we kill and puts them all into bottles and then offers to transplant them into you if you get even remotely injured 

-Is already mildly possessed but then ate some of the tentacles from a weird squid god for fun and then got DOUBLE possessed and tentacles shot out of his mouth and we had to drag him to a temple 

-Something burst out of his chest one morning and now its his familiar. We were all stood at the door to his room like ‘This is Scales, this could just be part of his morning routine for all we know.’

- Speaks with a heavy German accent which makes anything Scales does like 4000 times better

-Isiah has literally promised his corpse to Scales

- Despite his quirks is protective of his party and deserves a pat on the snoot every so often

 Rhys Lignius

- Half-elf sorcerer that currently has more levels in warlock than sorcerer

- hes the mom friend of the group and is a pretty serious guy, hes the one who gets shit done but not before he monologues so hard that the rest of us party members say ‘oh fuck no im not listening to Rhys’ spiel again’

-Came from a very important family and is very proud of his Latian heritage, doesnt let you forget that hes a big fuckin deal lmao hes on a mission to do something in relation to his father but hes not quite spilled on exactly what yet, hes just trying to get to some ancient ruins

- Is so much of an actual loser that whenever he casts Prestidigitation he clicks his fingers and the whole party has started doing it back at him jokingly

-Despite being a square we all love him and hes probably the most reliable in the group. Lawful Good™.

-Flavours my bacon.

-Is the metaphorical designated driver of the party, cleans up after us shit monkeys.

-Is physically around 22 years old but might as well be 55 years old.

Jeckyl Corvus:

- Newest party member, a half-elf rogue that keeps getting cockblocked from actually stealing anything

-Wrote a really intense anonymous love letter to my character and slid it under his room door at a tavern a few years before the campaign started after watching him perform and recognises Isiah but Isiah doesnt realise it was him who wrote the letter yet

-Spent some time in gay baby jail for being part of a group of thieves that got bamboozled by a rich and powerful family and was abandoned by the people he thought of as family.

-Wanted to be a tailor in the years before his taste for adventuring kicked him in the nards. He ended leaving his family to go and explore but this decision ultimately ended up with his family being stripped of everything they had so now hes plagued by The Guilt™. Wants to eventually save/steal enough money to get his family back on it’s feet again.

-Rugged and handsome but the most important thing you need to know about Jeckyl is that he keeps a pet mouse in his pocket named Rupert and that one day Jeckyl wants to fucking transmute him into an owl or some shit because he just cannot be satisfied huh. ‘Oh Rupert was my only friend whilst I was living on the streets blah blah blah’ yeah sure tell that to his face whilst you go fuckin Fullmetal Alchemist on his ass. Love Rupert for the contents of his character, not his form smh.

-Acts suave and cool but loses all of that composure when it comes to Isiah. Would probably commit sepukku if Isiah died. 

-Has a lot of knives, which Scales finds ‘respectable’. 

-First combat fuckin crits the fish plant man that had Isiah grappled 15ft underwater out of sheer gay panic. RIP Shape of Water fish man, you’ll be sorely missed.

Isiah Vakalyn:

-My character so you know hes....really something. Half-elf bard.

-Comes from a weirdly strict family who were actually fucking cultists and were ((and probably still are)) planning on sacrificing him to a demon or some shit but Isiah didnt even notice this shit and still has no idea. He thought everybody was taught Infernal and that families were just like that. His family told him to become a bard and he obeyed. They told him study and he obeyed. They limited his interaction to the outside world and he only really started thinking for himself after he made his first proper friend who then also later fucked him over real bad.

-Ran away from home after being cucked by his “only friend” into maybe murdering her dad we dunno if he died or not but I sure did stab him a lot. She lied and told him she was being abused by her dad and Isiah saw red and agreed to her murder plot only to be abandoned midway through. He also pickpocketed for her for like a year beforehand bc she said she was poor. She was very not poor. Bring on the subsequent trust issues.

-Is a bard but hates getting attention so he wears a black rabbit mask when he performs in front anything that isnt a small crowd. He found that mask in his house so you know thats gonna be some spooky cult shit.

- Is only 5′4 and is very conscious of it. Luckily the party is very understanding and calls him ‘the halfling’ or ‘the midget’ lovingly to watch him implode.

-Once accidentally stole a dwarven baby. Named it Isiah jr.

-Has a pet eel named Illius who is the most fuckin talented eel you’ll ever find. He glows! He talks! He beats your ass at card games! Translates languages! We found him behind a door that was sealed by magic and was only opened after Isiah played the music notes on the map we found. Those notes were an exert of a song by the most famous of all bards, Rickus Astelyus. Lo and behold behind the door was a huge tanks with a heckin good boy inside and Isiah adopted him IMMEDIATELY. Loves bacon bits and scritches.

-Received an anonymous love letter a few years back that gives him major anxiety and literally avoids the city he got it from. RIP Jeckyl youre gonna have to talk to him about that, Isiah is oblivious and has no idea lmao.

- Loves to eat bacon and recently bought out the bacon from the local tavern. Feeds some to Illius because its what he deserves. He’s also currently carrying a fuckton of bread, cheese, jam, and flour. Food is practically his way of diplomacy as he gives some to whoever he meets. It’s almost like his way of nervous self-defence. When tentacles shot out of Scale’s mouth Isiah just started shovelling bread into the tentacles and Scales woke up feeling incredibly full lmao.

-Has also in his inventory: a gay erotica book, a romance novel in a language he cant read, a rainbow slinkie, a magic mood ring that gives him poison resistance, 6 wolf teeth, a wolf leg bone, some gems, 4 days worth of rations on top of all the food he already has, a violin, a flute, and a fancy lute that he found in Illius’ chamber.

-Hes just nervous but loud mouthed and contradicts himself a lot. Anxious and eccentric. Says that hes just a bard and wasnt meant for any kind of greater scheme but the universe has other plans.

-Was once dabbed at by the god of entertainment, Apollon. ((Apollon is the only god Isiah really cares about lmao)).

and despite him not being in the party anymore im gonna give honorary mention to my favourite skyrim-glitch-of-a-barbarian, Florys:

-Was the character of a guy who played with us for one session. At the beginning of the next session he was on webcam with us all and we were about to start playing when suddenly his camera cut out and he went offline and weve literally not seen from him since. He’s not been online in over a month now. Some common theories in our group is that hes off fighting ISIS or got arrested for weed right there and then.

-Due to this weird player disappearance our DM, Benjamin, had to take control of Florys whilst we looked for a new party member. In the session that the player disappeared from we didnt know if he was gonna come back or not so Benjamin had Florys suddenly contract a horrific stomach bug and was just in the tavern toilet presumably making a fuckin hole in the floor with the noise it apparently made lmfao Isiah actually had to try and play music over the top of Florys’ shitfest at one point and only just managed to drown the sound out. But as time went by days were eventually passing in the campaign and the player still hadnt come back so poor Florys was not having a great time in the bathroom for several DAYS.

-Eventually the DM realised that this player was not gonna come back and that the party was short on a tank so he started piloting Florys for a while to accompany us on our quest ((and miraculously recovering from his terrifying stomach illness)) but hed forgotten how the player said Florys was so just was making shit up on the fly. I specifically remember the original player of Florys saying ‘Oh Florys isn’t like those stereotypical dumb barbarians’ which is why I lost my shit when the Florys being piloted by the DM turned around and said ‘What the fuck is a triangle?’ ... Florys is practically brain-damaged at this point, I think it might be the DMs retribution for the player disappearing lmao

-Threw all of his hand axes into a river during one fight and then into a cieling the next, which provoked Isiah to jokingly call out: ‘Oh, Florys! You’re so handsome and cool!’ which Florys with his last 2 braincells took seriously. The handsome and cool line became an on-running meme and gets used whenever any of us fucks up lmao

-For some reason grew rlly attached to a piano he found in Illius’ chamber and carried it around with him out of two parts stubborness two parts piano LUST.

-We ended up using him as a mule to carry all of our heavy shit bc he’d just do it and he literally wouldn’t think anything of it.

-We found a giant birds nest and Florys for some reason picked it up and carried it away and got fucking kidnapped by a giant bird so now hes literally just in fucking sky somewhere sat in a birds nest and being flown around which is wild bc we expected the DM to just kill Florys but instead hes just in the fucking sky where he belongs. Like legit hes just sat in there. Hes just in the sky. Godspeed.

HEAVES I could write so much more but this is already incredibly lengthy so here take it

also @redthebattler idk if any of this would be interesting to you lmao