#because if its too loud i cant discern what words are being made

[phoenix-reburned]

I know it might sound crazy to praise fortnite of all games on its accessibility, but god the audio wheel allows me to actually hear in the game. I can actually "hear" the smaller sounds I normally can't. I can not only hear them but know where they're coming from and play the game the same way my friends without any hearing problems do. I'm not left frustrated over not knowing someone was right next to me and I couldn't hear them because of my hearing impairment. I just wish more games had this kind of audio setting for hearing impaired folks because the shift from actually having fun and being decent at fortnite to not being able to discern where people are in the finals is so drastic it's not even funny. I unfortunately don't have a proper diagnosis or any sort of help for my hearing yet so this is the only way I can help myself play these games. I wish more games would consider disabilities other than color blindness when making their accessibility menu.

[lostinaseaoffictionalbliss]

Only In My Dreams Part 3

Summary: Courtney is still at a loss and her distraction might just cost her, her life.

Pairing: Sam x OC

Warnings: language, supernatural violence

Word Count: 2049

Blood poured from Courtney's mangled arm. It looked like she had gotten into a fight with a wildcat and the wildcat had won. There was also a gash across her chest and she honestly thought this was it. This was the end. There was no way she was walking away from this alive. She gazed up at the rugaru standing over her. He was big almost as tall as Sam, but bulkier and his black eyes stared down at her with hunger. She knew the monster was planning to make her its next meal and she just knew it was going to be a painful death. She wished that Sam and Dean hadn't made her come out with them. She definitely couldn't do this.

Earlier that day

When Sam and Courtney emerged from the bathroom Dean was up and drinking a cup of coffee. He didn't seem fully awake with the way he kept rubbing at his eyes, but he had a newspaper opened on the table with an article circled. In New Orleans a woman was found with most the flesh eaten from her body. The cops were chalking it up to an animal attack, but the woman had been in her home and there were signs of a break in and then a struggle in her bedroom before whatever had attacked had won.

Courtney almost gagged as she looked over the article. Even just reading that someone had the flesh eaten was enough to turn her stomach and she was supposed to help track down whatever monster had done this? That was just crazy. There was no way she wanted anything to do with that. She would just help with research and that would be it. There was no way in hell she was actually going to fight whatever the creepy thing was. Nope she would stay in the motel and read about it. Helping the guys by giving them all the information she could. That was what she planned to do. Of course first they had to try and identify what the monster could be.

As Dean took off to get them breakfast Courtney pulled out a laptop. She wasn't sure whose it was, but when it booted up the lock screen was of her and Sam kissing, her nickname was there where the username went, and surprisingly she knew the password. She frowned and clicked on the chrome icon loading up the search engine and started to do research. As she looked through different articles on monsters her mind kept drifting to Sam, who sat across from her on his own laptop, and Dean who had yet to return. She didn't understand how any of this was possible.

Sam and Dean weren't real, monsters weren't real, none of this was real. The Winchesters were played by Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, monsters were just people in costume or CGI, and it was all filmed in Vancouver. Yet every time she looked over her laptop she was reminded that Sam was in fact sitting in front of her and was trying to figure out what kind of monster ate human flesh. How had this suddenly became her life? One minute she was an overworked paralegal who wanted a different life and in the next she was waking up next to Sam Winchester and she was researching monsters. None of it made sense and she wished she had some answers.

With a heavy sigh Courtney ran a hand through her hair and decided she needed to step out for a breath of fresh air. “Hey I'm gonna go outside for a second. I think some fresh air will help clear my mind,” she said. Sam lifted his head and locked eyes with her trying to discern if she was alright or if she was still stressing about whatever had bothered her that morning. After a few seconds he nodded his head. He trusted that she would be fine on her own. Courtney smiled and headed out the door.

Spotting a bench under a tree across the parking lot she darted toward it. It wasn't exactly what she would consider being in nature, but it was close enough. She could sit under the large willow, breath in the scent of the daffodils growing at its base and relax, clear her mind, and come up with a plan. Courtney desperately wanted to understand what was going on with her life right now. Unfortunately she wasn't going to get the chance to do that. No sooner than her sitting down on the bench did she hear someone saying her name.

Lifting her head, Courtney locked eyes with the eldest Winchester who was holding up a bag full of food from the diner down the street and shaking it. Knowing that if she said she didn't want to eat Dean would pester her she headed back across the lot. When the bag was emptied and she saw the egg white, spinach omelette with onions and mushrooms along with an English muffin she was speechless.

“Is something wrong with it? I told them to toast the muffin,” Dean said. After assuring him nothing was wrong Courtney started eating. It had just been a surprise that he had gotten her favorite meal. It only added to the confusion she felt. Both Winchesters acted so familiar with her and it had her thinking that just maybe this wasn't a dream. But then how was that possible? It couldn't be. She quickly shook that thought away.

Everyone finished eating and piled into the Impala. Sam had a pretty good idea what the monster was and it was time to head out. Hopefully once they reached New Orleans they could find it pretty easy and kill it before it killed anyone else. Of course Courtney was freaking out internally the entire drive. She kept having the same thoughts playing over and over in her head. Oh God, are they going to expect me to hunt? I cant hunt. I've never hunted a day in my life! Even with how familiar the guys acted, how loving Sam treated her, the few memories she had of this life she refused to believe any of it was real. She couldn't stop thinking all of this was a dream.

As soon as they reached the city Dean found a motel and they checked in. They needed to change into their FBI get up and go check out the victim's body. Courtney wasn't looking forward to seeing a dead body. Something told her it would make her sick. But she changed into a tight grey pencil skirt, a dark green blouse, and a grey jacket. Slipping on some black peep toe heels she followed the boys out to the Impala.

At the morgue Courtney’s assumption was almost proven right. When she saw the body with the flesh ripped off and muscles showing she had to choke back bile. It was the most disgusting thing she had ever seen and she just knew seeing the monster responsible would be even worse. I'm definitely staying in the motel room. Looking away from the body she looked to Sam. “So rugaru?” She asked. It was the theory they had came up with before leaving the last town.

“Yeah it's a rugaru. We'll need to make some flamethrowers and try to find out where and who it is,” Sam said.

A quick trip to the hardware store provided them with everything they needed to take out the rugaru. Now they just needed to find it. As the boys set to work making the flamethrowers Courtney grabbed some more comfortable clothes and changed. Plopping down on one of the beds she turned the TV on and tried to relax. Everything was still confusing, but she was tired of thinking and just wanted to clear her mind with some mind-numbing television.

However that wasn't going to happen. When the TV clicked on Sam looked over at her. “Uh babe what are you doing? We're getting ready to go out and find the rugaru.”

Courtney lifted her head and stared back at Sam. “I thought I would just hang out here. Relax for a bit ya know.”

“You never want to stay at the motel. You're always right in the thick of things. You've said countless times you love this part. Killing the monster and saving people.” Sam had been worrying about Courtney all day after the freak out in the shower and this just made him worry even more.

Dean cocked a brow. “You can't stay back. Like Sam said you love this part and we need you. Hell you're better at taking out monsters than even gigantor over there.”

Well fuck me. Looks like I'm stuck going out in the field. I swear if I get killed I'm gonna haunt their asses. “Yeah I know. Just a little tired today. Give me a minute and I'll be ready.” Courtney climbed out of the bed, slipped some jeans over her shorts and put her tennis shoes on.

An hour after trying to find the rugaru Dean decided they should split up, cover more ground. That way they might find it before someone else was killed. Courtney was against splitting up, but she knew if she spoke up the boys would question it. And really she had no answers for them. She still had no idea why she was living this life, why she had memories from being a hunter, but the ones of being a paralegal were more vivid and at the forefront of her mind. It was best to avoid questions at this point.

Walking down an alleyway Courtney's mind wouldn't shut up. She was terrified of finding the monster on her own, she also was having trouble believing all of this was real, she couldn't stop thinking she didn't belong out here. It was because of her thoughts that she was distracted and didn't hear or see the rugaru until it was too late. Nails raked down her arm as it was gripped tight and she was thrown to the ground. The pain was worse than anything she had ever endured. A small cry escaped her and she squeezed her eyes shut to stave it off.

Looking down at her arm she let out a whimper. Blood poured from Courtney's mangled arm. It looked like she had gotten into a fight with a wildcat and the wildcat had won. There was also a gash across her chest and she honestly thought this was it. This was the end. There was no way she was walking away from this alive. She gazed up at the rugaru standing over her. He was big almost as tall as Sam, but bulkier and his black eyes stared down at her with hunger. She knew the monster was planning to make her its next meal and she just knew it was going to be a painful death. She wished that Sam and Dean hadn't made her come out with them. She definitely couldn't do this.

Just as Courtney had given up, had surrendered to her fate she heard a loud scream. The rugaru was on fire and letting out the most awful, pain filled noise. Slowly it fell at her feet dead and she looked at it for a brief moment before looking to her rescuer. Sam stood there, flamethrower in hand and looking worried. He dropped the makeshift weapon and rushed to her side. “I've got you. We'll get you patched up. But you want to tell me how you managed to get so banged up?”

Courtney in fact did not want to tell Sam. She just shook her head and said it got the drop on her. The look in Sam's hazel eyes said he didn't believe her, but he didn't press her further.

Back at the motel Sam cleaned and bandaged her arm. She gave him a kiss and laid down. While she didn't understand anything that was going on, she did understand her and Sam were together. Out of all the craziness that was going on that was the one thing she liked. But would it be enough to keep her sane? Would it be enough to help her adjust and accept this was now her life?

Tags:

@mirandaaustin93 @thatfanficstuff @c-s-stars @princessofthefandomrealm @81mysteriouslyme @violentmommabear42

[noxrynne]

i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.