#because i'm still a pessimistic fuck who doesn't do anything out of hopelessness

[goldacebear]

midnight feelings of being mad at myself for being such a fucking little bitch and not having any confidence to talk to rey for fucking like a year and a half or something like I’m so goddamn stupid he probably would’ve been into me and I could’ve had a fucking chance and it’s starting to feel helpless as far as moving on I’ve been trying and it just hurts me more lmao especially since the feelings don’t even get pushed to the side or anything when i’m infatuated with someone else they stay there and they’ve been there fucking “wow you were really in love with me” like i’m still not asshole and I CAN’T JUST WAIT WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE CUZ IT would means I would want him to break up w/his boyfriend and I don’t because why would you ever wish that on someone you love so I can only continue to hurt myself by trying to move forward while still being in love with him even though that’ll be unfair as hell to the other person and I can’t just not do anything like he says cuz that’s a sure route to just eventually killing myself because I can’t function alone I hate it like what kind of fucking dumbass jokes about something that would hurt him and then goes ahead and does it jesus christ and then while having that pain make it worse on himself by looking at more pictures I just wish I could get a charles answer from him because I’m used to that and killing my self esteem would be better than this that fucking glimmer of maybe one day if you don’t fucking destroy every ounce of your relationship with him which this whole fucking post is counterproductive to that idea so why even post it i know technically speaking if i’d talked to him earlier circumstances would be different probably and hell maybe I wouldn’t have asked him out even if i did talk to him aerlier or maybe he wouldve said no i don’t know i just want to know and hopefully this si just a really dark fucking stepping stone onto falling in love with somebody that reciprocates those feelings and actually can be with me but the problem with that is the moving on thing which i’m trying so hard to do hell I can’t even type out the possibility of him being with me in the future with a clear conscience because I want him to be happy with his boyfriend I’ve been waiting to hear anything about them getting engaged no matter how bittersweet it would be I mean fuck hopefully it would help me move on right