#because i'm a shell of a person and i'm so riddled with anxiety i can hardly function at all outside my room

[wildermouse]

vent.

[obey-my-twisted-logic]

Truth Spilled : Prefect is not the perfect extrovert they're assumed to be - not at all. Idia Shroud x GN!Reader (may be slightly fem leaning, apologies in advance if I missed anything like that)

Synopsis : post book 6, after Idia shows his skills, Prefect decides to take him aside when he seems overwhelmed by the people, leaving Ortho to entertain those who remain. As they reassure and comfort him, the cracks show and the shell reveals a close guarded secret.

Warnings : crying, mental health confessions, ptsd and beyond. Occasional cursing on both ends. Basic proof reading, potentially missed grammatical or spelling errors is higher than you think. Angst is real, but there's some playful fluff in the end. Only platonic in this blurb.

Authors Note : very self indulgent. How I personally have been feeling as the game progresses as someone with severe PTSD and anxiety. Had I been in a dorm, definitely would have been Ignihyde 100%.

---

After the impressive amount of prowess and just cocky amount of game play by the usually introverted dorm leader, you decided to rescue him when the nervous sweating kicked in. The initial adrenaline had worn off, and you knew the only reason he hadn't bolted was because Ortho had never looked happier, getting to interact and be normal with a group of friends, and making sure his big brother got to join in the fun.

Big brother was all "fun"d out, and as a good host, and just sympathetic anxiety riddled bean, you take him upstairs with the excuse of needing assistance with some older technology you had been relying on.

After gently steering him up the stairs and to the furthest guest room, you hold on lightly to the sleeve of his jacket to guide him. Nothing too invasive, but still a comfort, despite his initial flinch, he seemed to accept the action and looked almost grateful for the escape.

"Here we are. Furthest back and best insulation, trust me." You say leading him in and closing the door quietly. "Sorry for the white lie, but you looked like you needed the break, so I thought-" immediately your cut short by a nasty look and a huff as he dropped onto the bed and fell back.

"What would you even know about how I feel? What was I not cheerful enough for your liking? Perfect Prefect, of course you'd notice. Why'd you bring attention to it?" Idia snapped giving you a dirty look. Now Ortho would be upset and think he hadn't had any fun.

Sigh escaping your lips you take a seat on the floor and lean against the closed door. Eyes closed you steady your breathing the best that you can. Despite your best, tears streak gently and slowly from each eye. You can hear him shift panicked on the bed, assuming he was sitting upright and staring. You decide to keep your eyes closed, more amused by the expression in your mind and not wanting to embarrass yourself further.

"Idia, I know you're smart, I know you think you know all that there is to know about everything." Slowly you open your eyes, ignoring the tears, allowing yourself this moment. He wanted to know why you did it, why you interfered, well he'd certainly find out today. "You're not near as smart when it comes to any information you think you know about me."

"I grew up in constant survival mode. As soon as I begin to heal from the nightmare my life has been, I'm ripped into a world that I've never known. Most memories have been ripped from me of my old world, and I was dumped here with only my survival instincts keeping me from truly breaking down." You wipe some tears away, just to clear your vision to catch his gaze. He looked guilty and chewed at his lower lip.

"I've been nearly killed by half the damn people I call my "friends" and honestly, I do love them all, but the only reason it's even been possible is my desperation for survival." You laugh coldly and stand, the rant and your breathing becoming more erratic as it all comes tumbling out.

"Perfect Prefect? I don't have any other way to protect myself. Idia I didn't even have a phone until the THIRD overblot. THREE of the most powerful students on this campus had to try killing me for the fool of a headmaster to give me this... technological piece of shit." You toss your phone next to him on the bed. "I may not know much about this world, but I know about technology. It's different but very similar to what I used to work with in my old world..." Catching the surprised look on his pale face you can't help but laugh. "Yes yes, pitiful, magicless human knows how technology works. There's a reason that my grades keep Grimm an honor student, I'm far from stupid."

The crying resumes and laughter is mixed in as you give him a pathetic look. "Even he's attacked me, and Grimm's the closest I even have to a family in this hellscape. Idia I'm so tired." You choked up a sob and sank to your knees, back pressed against the wall now.

Unable to, refusing to look weak, you dry the tears beat you can as you answer his initial question. "What do I know about how you feel or why I interfered?" You let out a low and sad chuckle and look up to him. "Because I so desperately have needed to be saved, to be rescued and taken somewhere quiet so I could breathe that I couldn't just leave you like that. I couldn't just ignore the panic you were in." You let out a sigh and hug you knees unable to stable your breathing as much as you'd like.

"Feel free to leave or stay, do what's best for you. I'm just going to be here." You say after one minute stretches out into several. "I'd appreciate if-" Once again the Idia interrupts you, but in a much more surprising and soft way.

He embraces your trembling form, kneeling to be on the floor with you and just embraces you. He mumbled a genuine and quiet apology, stroking the back of your head. His hair provided a soft and safe warmth and glow.

You look up nearly sobbing again, and question him "Idia, will you be the friend I can be myself with? Will you give me the space to be pathetic and cry my anxiety away?" The sobs came out choked and desperate, pleading for him to be your safe space.

"Of course." He replied gently, never breaking the embrace. He gave the bed a dirty look. "First things first, we're getting you a new phone. Immediately." He grumbled unlocking his own to put in a rushed order. "There's no way you're going to be able to play games with me on that thing." He growled clicking his tongue, distaste for the headmaster evident on his face.

You burst into laughter and hugged him back, burying your face against his neck. You ignored his embarrassed noises, he didn't pull away or push you away, so he must be fine with it. "Sounds good to me." You mumble out, feeling a genuine sense of comfort from someone who finally could understand at least some of what you've been feeling for the entirety of your life.

[justagalwhowrites]

Hi Kit!

First off, I've really admired your writing, Lavender is one of my favorite things I've ever read. I even made a Lavender friendship bracelet so I can have Lavender Joel with me whenever I want.

Second, I've been getting into writing FF lately, starting with a Jackson Joel story. I'm about 12K words in and I've been struggling a lot with thinking my writing isn't suitable for posting and a lot of self doubt. I was wondering if you have any tips you wish you had known before you started writing FF, or even how the heck do I find someone to be a beta reader? Do you have an editor or beta reader, is that something I even need?

Thanks Kit!

OMG Hi Bestie!

I'm so sorry it took me a bit to respond to this. I wanted to make sure I thought about it before replying. You are so so kind to say such lovely things! And a LAVENDER FRIENDSHIP BRACELET?? That's AMAZING! I love that this story meant so much to you that you want to carry it with you out in the world!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE that you're writing! Jackson Joel is so special, he's such a gorgeous character and I'm sure your writing is doing him justice in exploring these sides of him.

Self doubt is a BEAR, I tell you what. I'm riddled with it, personally! Every day I'm on this site or on AO3 and reading things that are better than what I write and I spend a LOT of time comparing my work to other people's in my head. It's part of why I don't really reread my own work, I think. I know I won't be as happy with it as I am with other people's writing and it'll just get me down. But... I share it anyway! It's hard sometimes, especially if a chapter feels really good or really personal, and I always have this underlying fear that "this is it, this is the chapter where everyone who reads my work wakes up and realizes that I'm shit, actually, and they decide to let me know it." But that's never happened.

Part of fic, for me, has been pulling me out of that shell creatively. I've written stories for years - decades! - and I can count on one hand the number of people who have read them before I started writing and sharing fic. These stories just live in my computer or in notebooks in my basement and that may be all they ever are. Overall, people are remarkably kind and supportive and it feels really, really good to share something I made with other people.

I think some things I wish I knew is 1) that the sharing part of writing can be a really fun - if anxiety inducing - part of the process and 2) negativity isn't the end of the world. While almost everyone has been insanely lovely (probably kinder than I deserve tbh) I have gotten a few negative comments and whatnot and yeah, they definitely sting. But ultimately, it's just one person's opinion. It doesn't change the satisfaction I felt writing these stories or the fulfillment I found in telling other people about these characters and the lives they're living inside my head. People can dislike what I made - you can't please everyone! - but it doesn't take away from how it felt to create and share it. I think, as long as you're telling stories because you want to explore those characters or themes or what have you, you'll be satisfied in it and readers will, too.

As far as beta readers and editors go.... I don't really use either one! My process is write the chapter, read it to make sure there isn't anything too egregious, share it. If I sit on it too long, I go back and rework and rewrite and it'll never see the light of day. But that's me! Everyone is different, I don't think any two people have the same process. And if you're interested in connecting with other writers and are comfortable, feel free to DM me! I'm happy to help and there are some Discords I'm in that have other, fabulously lovely writers who do things like beta for each other and give feedback on plot points and all kinds of beautiful collaboration that I'm so lucky to be a part of.

I do have some tips for editing, as a former copy editor, though! I recommend reading the chapter twice, once for overall story and flow (basically, does this chunk of the story make sense?) and then once for the nitty gritty stuff. Highly recommend the second read be done out loud, as silly as it might feel. It will force you to slow down so if you left a word out, you're less likely to gloss over it, or if a sentence doesn't make sense, you stumble over it and have to think it through again. Stuff still definitely slips through - it's bound to when you edit what you write! - but it's helpful.

Anyway, I hope this answers your question!! I really really hope you share your story with us. It's always great to see the community grow and give more people outlets to share their stories with us!!

Good luck, Bestie! Love you!!!