#because i’m too pathetic and horrible to have real life social interactions‚ let alone friends

[destructive-delight]

it’s a weird state of existence, being mentally at your lowest, but also noticeably more functional…

[anodyne-sunflower]

The Yearbook (Part 2)-High School series

A/N: It’s here! Part 2, turtle doves. I love writing this stupid fic, all because I had a whack ass dream about Balem being a dick to Newt in school…oy. Anyway, I know Marius has an English accent lol but for drama sake, he’s got a French one in this. Use your imagination. Also, if you requested to be a teacher in this, I will slowly (try) to introduce you. That being said, I’m not basing any of their actions off y’alls personality. That’s too much work, and I’m lazy…cut me a break. So, it’s name only haha. Enjoy!

MOOD MUSIC: Feel it still by Portugal. The Man

***

You threw your backpack onto the table, pulling out a chair and taking a seat as you looked around the almost empty library. No other students plagued the aisles of books, or extended their stay on the empty computer desks. It was how you enjoyed the library, quiet and devoid of all other life. Save for your best friend, who was busy burying his nose into another wildlife book to pay much attention to your topic of conversation.

“Newt!”

The freckled boy glanced up, blinking at you stupidly before smiling. “Sorry, did you say something?”

“Never mind…” You sighed into your jacket sleeve, restlessly leaning back and forth in your chair as you watched the clock tick by. School wasn’t entirely awful, but in the realm of activities, you’d much rather be sleeping at this ungodly hour. “I am not looking forward to drama class. Why is that even important? I have no use for acting classes…”

“Perhaps you should’ve taken biology.” Newt mumbled nonchalantly, flipping the page and highlighting parts he found particularly interesting.

“I am, but…wait,” You fell forward into the table, hands slamming into the surface and scaring the other student from his reverie of animals. “Did you not sign up for drama class? First period? With Ms. Derboven…?”

Newt stared pathetically at you, a sudden dark cloud emerging over his messy head of hair. You knew that look all too well, you had been victim to it many times in your friendship. That guilty smile, that nervous laugh…it was just another blow to your already annoyed mood.

“Newton Artemis Fido Scamander,” you threatened between gritted teeth, leaning closer to your friend. Your proximity caused a flush of red to sweep along his cheeks, and he lifted his book to cover the obvious sign of nervousness. “So help me god if you didn’t-“

“I swear it was not intentional…” he attempted to soothe your anger, still keeping that sheepish grin on his features. He assumed it would make it all go away, as it usually did. But, you only glared deeply at him, getting closer until your noses were touching and he had no choice but to sit silent and listen. Not that it was difficult for him, your perfume and entrancing eyes were enough to gain his focus.

“Newt, I don’t want to take that class alone! They say the teacher is eccentric and expects you to perform for her the very first day! I don’t know how to act! I’m not even sure I know how to create art…I’m gonna die…that’s it…my social life is now null and void and I will forever be known as the girl who fucked up her monologue.”

“That’s a tad dramatic, don’t you think?” Newt cleared his throat, taking his chance to move away from you while you wallowed in your self pity.

“What’s dramatic is leaving your best friend to endure a full hour and a half of drama class.” Perhaps you were being a bit of a whiner, but facing courses without anyone you knew was always a rough situation. One you didn’t want to deal with senior year.

“I don’t believe dramatic fits that sentence-“

“There you are, Newt!”

The two of you looked up, your eyes falling upon a young man running over to you both. He was dressed like a complete hipster, one you’d find on some Instagram post about charcoal ice cream or what not. His fedora tilted sloppily to the side, giving him a very relaxed look that was only overshadowed by his striking red hair. He certainly knew how to gain attention.

“Oh, hello…” Newt dropped his book to the table, watching as this boy took a seat next to him and began going on about money and drawings. None of it made sense to you, and you sat there completely befuddled by his sudden appearance.

“So, I kind of need the money now…any chance you can pay?” The red head held his hand out, a huge smile on his face when Newt fished through his pockets and handed him some crumpled up bills.

“That should be sufficient.”

“Thank you, I need new supplies…”

“Um,” You interjected, nudging Newt on the arm to introduce you to this new kid. He looked faintly familiar, but it was hard to forget someone with his looks and hair. So you imagined he didn’t make a huge impression the first time, if you ever met him before that is. “Newt?”

Newt, glad for the distraction from your anger, held his hand out towards the red head and quickly blurted out an introduction. As if he didn’t really see the point in doing so. “That’s Jack. He offered to do some drawings for my book I’m writing.”

It dawned on you then, the red hair, the somewhat messy tie. You had seen him before, he was a frequent flyer in the principal’s office, although his offenses were of a lesser degree than the resident bad boy, Eddie. “You’re the one who makes those really amazing murals, right? On the gymnasium, and men’s bathroom!”

Jack hadn’t been paying much attention to you or Newt, he was busy counting the money and figuring out what to purchase with it. But, the moment your melodic voice hit his ears, he nearly froze in his actions. With a surprised expression he glanced up, green eyes widening when he saw you. He could count on one hand the number of girls he found attractive at this school, because the fact was, you were the only one he found charming. Every other girl was so caught up in their looks or social lives it grated on his nerves. There was something refreshing about you though, a trait he wasn’t yet knowledgeable about but, he felt it.

You pursed your lips, eyeing him strangely while he just stared. The silence built to a level that even gained Newt’s attention, and with a curious glance he turned to his friend.

“Jack-“

Before he could get another word out, Jack leaned forward, a glint of wonder in his eyes as he looked you over. “Can I draw you?”

It was an odd request, one you didn’t expect to receive today. To say you were flattered though, would be an understatement. A soft blush formed on your features, a smile curling along your lips as you giggled nervously. “I, uh-“

Newt watched the exchange, somewhat annoyed, but otherwise keeping his mouth shut. He didn’t care for the way Jack looked at you, it was reminiscent to the way you eyed Stephen earlier. A hint of arousal, and longing that only made the animal lover jealous. Try as he might, Newt wasn’t very adept at burying his feelings. “Stop asking everyone to let you draw them.”

“How else am I supposed to practice?”

“Perhaps you should do your art assignments.”

“What a waste of time. Art isn’t something you can schedule or direct…” The entire time he spoke, his eyes fixated on you and only you. It was as if he was already sketching you into his mind, taking every lovely detail and canvassing it into his memories. “It has to be free, spontaneous…”

There was something in the way he spoke that made your heart flutter, like the very passion he conveyed could be felt in his words. It was mesmerizing, and you nearly toppled into his spell if not for Newt interrupting him.

“Jack,” It was when he reached out to touch you that Newt had enough, and with a sigh he held his book up, blocking the artist’s wandering hand. “Sorry, but shouldn’t you finish your painting in the gym?”

The switch went off in Jack’s head, and he rose quickly from his chair, giving a quick farewell before taking off in a rush towards the doors. You smiled at him, a thoughtful look on your face when you considered your observation carefully.

“You know,” you paused, eyes following the retreating back of the talented student. “If it wasn’t for the red hair, I’d say he could be your twin, Newt.”

Newt glanced up from his book, blinking at you skeptically before looking towards Jack. He raised his eyebrow for a second, before pursing his lips and scoffing at the notion. “Absolutely not.”

Before you could think of a single snappy remark, the bell rang, indicating the next five minutes should be spent getting to class. An audible groan flew from your lips, the dread of drama class becoming far too real now. You wanted to drag Newt along with you, but taking him from his beloved science classes was too cruel to entertain.

“Would you like me to accompany you there?”

“No, don’t worry. I’ll survive.”

Newt felt awful about the change in classes, but his counselor was adamant he take courses geared towards his interests. It would help in college, and he had to admit it was a smarter plan than wasting his time watching the drama kids reenact their favorite Shakespeare play.

“If you say so, Y/N…”

You hummed back to him, throwing your bag over your shoulder and sending a wave of goodbye as you walked out the library and into your horrible hour and a half fate. The walk to first period was uneventful, save for the nasty look some girl gave you. You weren’t aware of her dispute with you, but the faint whisper of ‘Balem’ was heard as you passed by. If you were to venture a guess, she was not overly fond of the way you interacted with him this morning. Every girl here was swooning over the rich man, constantly leaving letters in his locker or on his windshield. It was a dim-witted attempt to get his attention, but he rarely ever read the love notes. On one occasion you even saw him use his wipers to release the perfume scented letters from his precious car. Yet, in spite of his cruelty, they still flocked to him like moths to a flame.

“Ow!” The rough material of someone’s jacket pushed into your forehead, making you flinch back and grumble about small hallways. Why Balem’s mother couldn’t pull her purse strings for a bigger building was beyond you. “Watch it!”

“Easy there, darlin’.” An amused chuckle was all you needed to realize who it was, and you reluctantly moved your hand away. View now obscured by the devilish grin of Eddie Kreezer. “Where you off to in a hurry?” He was already pulling a cigarette from his jacket pocket, lighter hidden in his cowboy hat as the staff walked by. You envied his devil may care attitude, but you didn’t need to be caught with him today.

“To class, you idiot. Where you should be going.”

“Tsk, didn’t your momma ever teach you to be nice?” He teased, lighting his smoke and blowing some of it into your face.

“You’re one to talk!”

Eddie was always amused at your temper, but that was due to him being one of the few people who could bring out that spark of anger. It was amusing and quite frankly, hot to him. “Damn, sweetheart. What? Daddy didn’t love you enough as a kid? Is that where all this misdirected rage comes from?” He laughed heartily, pushing one finger into your forehead to keep you away as you launched your fists at him. It was a weak attempt to defend yourself, and it only made the cowboy laugh harder until you gave up. “I’ll be your daddy if you want.” He had the gall to wink, to flirt amidst all this teasing like you were just going to cave under his southern wiles. It fueled that fire of fury inside you, and admittedly was just a bit charming…which only made you angrier.

“You-“

“Ah, ah, ah!” Eddie easily trapped you into the lockers, smirking down at your expression of discontent. “Daddy don’t like the attitude, darlin’.”

The last straw, that was it, and with all your strength you kneed Eddie in the stomach, taking his momentary lapse of judgement as a sign to run away. The last bell had rung, and with the halls now clearing you took the chance to turn back to him, hands balled into fists as you yelled, “And for the record you’re too young to be a daddy!”

The cowboy glanced up, a huge smirk now forming on his lips as he laughed. You figured he’d finally lost it, the recreational use of drugs eventually killing off his last brain cells. That was until you heard your name, a huge blush going head to toe when you realized who was behind you. With a stiff posture, you turned, growing redder when Stephen came into view. He looked confused, green eyes darting from you to Eddie with a hint of worry.

“Are you alright?”

“I-“ you couldn’t form a proper sentence, and in your embarrassment the only helpful thought that came was to run off into the halls. So with a quick mumble of farewell, you brushed passed the athlete and somehow found your way to the theatre. Life could be dramatically unfair sometimes, and having to say such a stupid thing in front of your crush was probably on the top ten list of don’ts. Lamenting over your actions did no good though, and with a troubled scoff you slowly opened the drama room doors. All eyes fell on you then, the piercing ones of your teacher among them. It sent chills up your spine, and even though they all saw you, you still attempted to sneak across the stools lined up to the stage.

“How good of you to join us.”

You fell into the stool, trying to ignore Ms. Derboven’s irritated glare. Thankfully, another student began to sing softly on stage, taking her attention elsewhere. She was positively thrilled when the student sang, like the world was suddenly brighter for it. In your mind, it was a simple distraction, but the pining sighs of women made you finally look towards the center of the auditorium. A tall, handsome student was on stage, crooning out his rendition of a Les Miserables song. Something about empty chairs and tables, not that you knew any of it, musicals weren’t exactly your hobby. But, you welcomed the talent he displayed. If only to have your teacher preoccupy herself with his enchanting voice.

“Isn’t he charming?”

You sank back into the air, trying not to fall from your stool as this girl leaned far too close to you. She had pretty green eyes, her blonde hair set into intricate curls that seemed to have taken hours to do. You didn’t recognize her from anywhere, and with a French accent you wondered if she had any relation to the new boy singing up there.

“Um-”

“Oh, no need to answer. I already know you agree.”

She giggled, hand on her cheek as she sighed happily while eyeing the handsome student on the stage. Drama wasn’t your forte, and if it wasn’t for the insane obligation to take an elective you’d be far from here. But, you humored her affections, eyes darting towards the stage and watching as the other French student recited his lines. He was rather talented at it, even more when he broke into song again. Even if that made it feel awkward to be in here. All the girls, and possibly even the teacher seemed entranced by his voice now, like he suddenly became the first male siren in history.

In your musings, you hadn’t realized he stopped, all the girls clapping and cheering their hearts out to him. Some of the boys reluctantly did so, more than one of them grumbling about how unfair it was to have so many good looking guys at this school. You had to agree there, lately it seemed like an abundance of them came crawling from out of the woodwork. With a defeated breath, you started clapping along as well, looking towards the clock on the wall and praying it would move faster. At least this new kid took up a good chunk of time for you.

“Come on…” you pleaded silently with the clock, as if that would somehow aid your impatience.

“Cosette, would you like a turn?”

You watched as the girl you were speaking to got up, clearly the one known as Cosette. She clapped happily, getting off the stool and heading to the stage to begin her own monologue. You envied her bravery, but the puppy love look on her face made you roll your eyes. She had it bad for that other guy, and judging by his smile he seemed somewhat interested in her in return.

“May I sit here?”

His French accent was enamoring, but you weren’t about to fall head over heels just because he seemed exotic.

“Sure.”

“Thank you.” He smiled politely, eyes constantly moving to look at you. “I’m Marius Pontmercy, and you are?”

At his greeting, you turned to him, offering a smile as you held your hand out to shake his. Only he seemed more intent on being a true gentleman. With a delicate touch he took your hand, twisting it around and laying a sweet kiss to the back of it. The French truly did inspire romance…

“I’m…um,” The words would not come out, and unfortunately making a fool of yourself seemed to be a reoccurring theme this school year.

“Won’t you tell me?” Marius smiled widely, chuckling when you looked away from him. You seemed on edge, and he had no intention to make it worse for you. “It’s alright if you wish-“

“Y/N.” You spat it out harshly, your nerves making you agitated enough to seem rude. Lucky for you, Marius took no offense to your curt tone.

“It’s a beautiful name…” He said quietly, eyes transfixed on you from the start.

There was a notable tension in the air, one that confused you greatly. But, the longer he gazed into your eyes the more you felt your chest cave to the attractive French student. In just a few short hours, you found life at eighteen proving difficult already. How on earth could you navigate this school year with all these men being distractions? Stephen was always your source of affection, and even though you still held strong feelings for him…you found yourself hooked on these new characters. Maybe Newt was right, sexual maturity had officially peaked and you hated every minute of it.

***

A/N: Alright, tell me!! Who do you ship Reader with so far?! Hope you liked it! There’s nothing greater than writing a trashy cliche high school fic. Takes me back, my loves…takes me back. Feedback appreciated! ❤️

[socsayang]

August 26, 2019. [Week 1]

1:52AM

At last, I’ve finally made & set up my journal-blog-account thing. Yay? I was both pretty excited, and also scared of actually having this project as a requirement, then I realized this wasn’t really an actual journal and more of a what-have-you-learned-this-week journal. Oh well. At least I won’t have to worry too much about what I can and can’t post about.

----------------------

First up, globalization. Technology allows us to be closer with so many people, and I am ALL up here for it. I am absolutely in love with the fact that it’s so easy to connect now to other people just like you online, and make new bonds with completely different people all the way across the world despite being THOUSANDS of miles away. 

Most people probably look down on this and hard meme social media because in some cases, it actually causes people to drift away from each other and interact even less. Exhibit A: people on facebook, instagram and all the BASIC, fake forms of social media where people sink all their time in by posting all these fake, unauthentic, “perfect” images of themselves, and scrolling down aimlessly their timelines and feeds despite being in some important social event, serving as a gigantic distraction causing rifts between them and everyone else, instead of enabling one to become closer to others.

This was not the case for me. Honestly, before college, I was probably in one of the absolute worst times in my life. I pretty much had no more people around me I could trust, that cared about me. I had been completely alienated by all the people around me and was just so far away from everyone else. It hurt. It consumed me so much; and tore me apart because this was always in my face, in all the different actions people had around me, big or small (especially the small). School was just so demotivating to go to anymore, and I was just so tired of everything. I actually tried to find excuses to skip; like having too much homework due that day I was not finished with, and the fact that a lot of people were skipping anyway because there were no quizzes (unfortunately, this only worked once or twice and I still had to go anyway). It all ate away at me. The guilt, the isolation, and the pain (mine, and the pain I’ve caused others unintentionally, but hurt nonetheless). I really couldn’t take it anymore, and it was just consuming me like a tornado that was tearing me apart at the seams.

I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I never actually opened my Discord again after so long, and joined a lovely little server I met all of the amazing online friends & support system I would have now. When I first joined, I was probably at the absolute lowest of my all-time lows. I never really thought of the server as anything more than just a place to ask for advice about a game I just started playing at first. Over time, I started chatting more with the people in it; not really noticing that hey, I’m actually making friends with them. Over time, I started getting closer and closer to them, to the point that they actually made me happy (or i guess back then, feel a LOT less like shit). To this day, I am still so incredibly thankful to them, for just being there for me. They never really did anything extraordinary for me, but the fact that they were there for me, and they were my friends that loved and respected me (even if I was kind of an idiot :P), and treated me like one of their own.

It was only about 2 weeks ago that I realized the main difference between my own peers in high school, and my online friends actually were: my online friends actually cared about me. They were the first people that actually cared and acknowledged me as an equal. They saw me not as a freak, like everybody else IRL had back then (and had given up on me), but they saw me as just another imperfect human individual, just like them. Someone who still had a lot to learn, didn’t really know what she were doing, and didn’t really mean to ever be mean. My online friends actually gave me so much more empathy and concern over my own past mistakes than anybody else probably ever did. Instead of just tossing me away and pretending I don’t exist, they actually guided me through it all, told me what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. And they actually forgave me. Every single little thing my dumb 16 y/o ass messed up.

It was really just such a fresh change of pace, and a gigantic breath of fresh air for me to be treated like this. It just felt so great to actually have proper friends and for my social need to be fulfilled again after so long without any problems, even if said friends were virtual and that people would probably never understand and give it the same weight as an irl friendship like it should be. I can’t help but feel only love for these people who had helped me back up when I was down because they were one of the few who ever really did, even if all they did was just be normal people, normal friends, and do normal friend things with me and nothing too special. Because that was something I did not get often back then.

If you guys are listening, I just want to say I really love and appreciate you all for being such incredible, amazing friends. You helped me anchor myself and keep myself together this whole time in my last year of high school, against all odds. I know we had our differences and our own little squabbles as well, but I’m also really thankful that despite that we were able to resolve these issues, both because of your maturity, and your guidance/s through these to help me on my own road to maturity too, to become a better person. You guys really have no idea how much you’ve helped me throughout the past year or so. 

Social media can either help you or hinder you from making friends. It really depends on the way you use it. I know it helped me for sure, and I strongly believe that online friends can be just as significant and important in your life as your IRL friends (arguably, they might even be better depending on how good your online friends are, and how awful the people around you are).

Perhaps one day, when I’ve become a holistic and fully grown, mature individual I can help a lost and lonely soul like I was and guide them back into the light.

---------------------------

Next up, the bioecological model. It’s really interesting and strange how we’re all intertwined so closely with each other, both of us influencing each other so significantly both for better AND for worse. It just goes to show how small the world really is and how big our impact can be on the people around us.

Not really sure what else to say, so here’s a little random excerpt I scribbled down in Evernote about our biggest weaknesses being our extreme interdependence on one another, which I think is very relevant to our past lesson about Bronfenbrenner’s little theory:

“I think our biggest flaw/flaws as human beings, is our need to depend on others and ask them for help, and our extreme reliance on others as well. Not just in physical struggle, but emotionally and psychologically as well.

We all seem to have this burning need to let out all of our inner issues and hurt to other people in an attempt for them to help us "carry" our struggles together, to be understood and empathized with, etc. However, humanity is so full of horrible people with bad intentions, people who simply don’t care, people who will hurt you and will continue to hurt you, whether it is their intention or not.

We try to place our trust in these people, thinking it will be different and they will truly help, when in actuality what will happen is that these other people can and will most probably betray you and hurt you even more than if you kept it by yourself.

It will be very easy to just hurt you by not putting in as much value or care into your own internal issues, and just drop you like you don’t matter to them (which you probably never did if this specific case were real). And after that, you’re pretty much just back to exactly where you were before this fiasco. All alone, still hurting and just as hurt as before (if not more). And now, you’re forced to keep your composure and act like everything’s fine, even after a betrayal as terrible as this.

This horrible cycle is actually why I find us so depressing and pathetic. We’ve been cursed with such soft hearts, that anything and everything can hurt us. I wish I had been born a stronger person so I no longer had to rely on others as a crutch to help me up, and so my own inner turmoil would not consume me completely anymore either.”

--------

Alright, I am very very sleepy and it is now 2:54 AM, so I bid you all good night and end this entry here. Good night! :]