#because i wasn't feeling journalist for her tbh

[youreverydayfangirl]

Death By A Thousand Cuts

pairing: lando norris x fretwell! reader

summary: y/n y/ln has always been in love with lando, or in which lando brushed y/n off until its too late

warning: angsty tbh, attempted sa, roofie, swearing

a/n: i like this one tbh, also this takes places over a couple years tbh

Y/n wasn't entirely sure when it happened, whether it was love at first sight or something more gradual, all she knew was she was entirely and irrevocably in love with Lando Norris.

Y/n first met Lando when she was 10 and he was 11. To him she was his best mates little sister. He found her childish and annoying. She found him kind and attractive, although she barely saw him because he was always off karting.

The moment that solidified her crush on the boy was when their families went on their first family vacation together. They had booked a holiday house at the beach for a week during summer. Both families had made there way done the beach.

Max and Lando were playing catch on the beach, chatting about random things, there parents were busy gossiping and sunbaking and Flo and Y/n were swimming in the ocean.

"Y/n sweetie, don't swim out too far please." Her mother called out to her and she nodded back.

"I'm gonna give this to my mom so I don't lose it." Flo said, gesturing to the bracelet her grandmother had given her for her birthday. Y/n nodded in response and watched as Flo ran back ashore, heading over to her mom.

Y/n watched everyone, feeling peaceful. Lando was currently watching Max strike out with a girl who was definitely to old for him and Flo was talking to their parents.

Suddenly she was dragged underwater, getting completely disoriented. Her lungs screamed for air, a burning sensation spreading through her chest. She tried to swim to the top, splashing above the water for a split second before being pulled back down.

Her legs were powerless no matter how hard she tried to kick. Her vision was spotty, she struggled to fight off the black spots dancing in her vision when she felt herself being pulled up above the water and dragged onto the beach.

She fell to her hands and knees and began coughing up salt water, someone holding her hair behind her head. She looked up to see Lando looking down at her worried and annoyed.

"Are you crazy? He asked the girl. Before she could answer her parents came over to her wrapping her around in a towel and fussing over her. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks at how she had embarrassed herself but also at the fact that Lando had come to save her.

Y/n looked at the diy grave she had made. Her pet hamster had died and she was holding a full funeral. The Norris' had come aswell, paying there respects.

"I'm sorry about fluffy Y/n." Lando said, moving to stand next to her. She looked up sending him a small, sad smile and he held out a bouquet of flowers for her. They were scrappy, definitely picked from his moms garden which he would get in trouble for later but the thought counted. She gave him large smile and took them from him before wrapping her arms around him.

"Thanks Lan." She said.

"Its alright to cry you know, you don't have to be strong." He said, whispering into the top of her head before planting a kiss on it.

She began crying into the boys chest and he let her until she felt better.

By the time she was 14 Y/n felt so out of place in their little group. Flo, Max and Lando had all become quite close due to their closeness in age and interests. She didn't feel out of place in the social sense, it was more out of place in life. The boys had karting, Flo had riding but what exactly did Y/n have. She had no clue what she wanted to be, a doctor? A journalist? Something in fashion? She just had no clue.

She felt a nudge in her side and turned to look at Lando whos eyes were trained to the TV. He looked at her, "Are you okay?" He whispered to her. She nodded. "Y/n, tell me the truth." She sighed, Lando could always see straight through her.

"No. Yes. I don't know. Its just, I feel so out of place, all of you guys know what you wanna do and I - I just don't know." Lando snorted and Y/ns eyes shot to him.

"What? What's wrong?" She asked, suddenly feeling very self conscious. Lando felt bad seeing the panicked look on her face.

"Sorry, Its just you shouldn't be worried over something like that. Whatever you end up doing is going to be amazing just like you, don't stress Y/n." He said, sincerity in his tone.

She smiled, thankful that he couldn't see how red her face had gotten and turned to face the tv.

Once she had turned 15 two things were pretty obvious. Y/n was head over heels in love with Lando Norris and Lando wasn't interested, shutting her affections down a million times with the excuse of her being Max's little sister.

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2015

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 234 others

yourusername summer 2015 so far

tagged: yourbsfusername, maxfretwell, landonorris, flonorris

maxfretwelll get off instagram your a baby

yourbsfusername LITERALLY SO FUN

→ yourusername I KNOWWWWW

-------------------------------

Y/n found herself drunkenly dancing with Y/bsf, the girls opting to go to a party instead of staying in. She started dancing with the random guy when she felt herself get pulled away. "Hey." She stuttered out, not coping well with how much she had already had to drink.

"What the fuck are you doing here Y/n."

Lando.

Still, she defiantly crossed her arms, glaring at him. "I'm having fun, what are you the fun police."

Lando faltered at the attitude he got, before glaring at her. "Your too young to be drinking, and your definitely too young to be at Thomas Bakers party." She just rolled her eyes, "I'm sixteen, not a baby anymore."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not." She said again.

"You sure are acting like one right now, now come on." He said grabbing at her wrist but she refused to move. "Where are we going." She asked him, not wanting to move.

"Home, Max is literally going to kill me." Lando responded, trying to grab at the girl but she refused to budge.

"Y/n."

"Lando." She said back to him, "You know I'm not going to move." She stated, Lando raising his eyebrows at this, as if it were a challenge.

"Really?" Lando asked, challenging her right back, she faltered for a second before nodding firmly. He smirked a little, before grabbing at her waist and tossing her over his shoulder.

"Lando? What the fuck! Put me down." She said, people at the party watching but being to drunk to properly care.

"Nope, your going home Y/n." The girl sighed defeatedly, letting it happen. Lando walked over to his car, putting the girl down and helping her into his front seat.

He hopped in and began to drive back to her house. Y/n looked at the window, resting her head against the glass. Once they got home, Y/n saw a familiar figure standing on the front porch. "Really? You had to call Max?"

"Goodnight Y/n." He said, she rolled her eyes, about to exit the car before she decided to plant a cheeky kiss on his cheek before hopping out of the car.

"Y/n get inside now." Max said sternly.

"But I-"

"Inside." He raised his voice, not shouting but Y/n could tell he was mad. She went inside and watched from her bedroom window as Max and Lando talked about something before Lando drove off. She sighed and fell back on her bed, just wanting the day to be over.

--------------------------

2016

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 321 others

tagged: yourbsfusername, maxfretwell, landonorris, flonorris

yourbsfusername oh heyyyy

→ yourusername heyyy

flonorris I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOUUU

→ yourusername I MISS YOUUU

maxfretwell cringe tbh

→ yourusername loser tbh

----------------------------

"Maxiieee." Y/n stumbled out of the kitchen onto the back porch looking around for her older brother. They host was a mutual friend of theirs which is why they had both been invited. The girl was about the fall down the porch steps when an arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her back firmly onto the porch.

"Woah, be careful there little Max." She heard that familiar voice say. She turned around to face him still slightly dazed and confused, a pout on her lips when his words registered in her head. "Landoo." She drunkenly whined, "I told you to stop calling me that, 'm no little. "

The boy laughed, smiling down at her "Yes you are little max," he teased, smiling before noticing the faint tear tracks on her face. Landos body language changed, worry seeping into his gaze. "Y/n whats wrong?" He asked, brushing her hair out of her face so he could see her more clearly.

"Tom." She said shakily, ready to burst into tears. Lando tensed at the mention of the girls boyfriend , a million different things running through his mind, if she was hurt, if he had hurt her. Lando began checking her up and down, making sure she wasn't injured, once he was certain that she was alright he looked back at her.

"What did he do love?" The nickname slipped out, Lando hadn't meant to say it, it just felt so natural. Luckily for him, she didn't catch onto what he said, her brain to scattered to pick up on it.

"He cheated on me. I walked in on him and some chick." She wailed out, throwing herself into Landos arms, a gesture that Lando was not against. Lando wrapped his arms around her waist, rubbing small circles on her back.

"Oh dove, its gonna be okay." Lando rested his head on her hers, squeezing her tightly before pulling away. "I'm gonna take you to the car, can you wait there for me and Max to come out." He spoke softly, waiting for a nod before heading towards the car. Once he walked her to the car he instructed her to wait there while he went back inside to look for Max.

Max came out of the party, far less drunk than the other two and immediately went to his sister, forcing her to look up at him. "Are you okay." He asked her, Y/n just nodded and quietly mumbled something about wanting to go home.

On the car ride back, with Max driving, Lando opted to sit in the back seat next to Y/n who nearly fell asleep on his shoulder. The drive back was silent, no one feeling up to making conversation. When the car stopped Lando looked down at the girl sleeping on his shoulder, "Feeling better?" He croaked out, Y/n turned to look up at him. She paused for a second, absorbing the moment when she felt bile rise up her throat. She paused, trying to undo her seatbelt, before opening the doer landing on the grass, puking. "Ah shit moms gonna kill me." Max groaned while a pair of hands grabbed her hair in a makeshift pony tail, rubbing her back. "Lets get you inside." Lando said, helping the girl up.

When they got to her room, Lando grabbed her a change of clothes passing them to her. "Put these on, I'll be right back."

Lando came back up the stairs, opening the door to Y/ns room. "Look I need you to - oh shit." Lando said, closing his eyes tightly. The drunk girl turned around to look at him, clad in her bra and underwear. "Landoo, can you please help mee get these offf." She said, still clearly drunk. Lando swallowed hard, cursing whatever God was out there. "You can't get it off yourself." The girl shook her head.

He swallowed, putting the things in his hands down before moving the girl towards him. He ran his fingers up her back, definitely slower than he should have, goosebumps forming on her back at the touch. He reached her bra and unbuttoned it slowly, eyes looking at all of her bare skin. He shook his head spinning around. "Now put you shirt on." She did without a fuss.

He then took her to the bathroom, stating that she would regret not taking it off in the morning and while that was true, he really just wanted more time to hang around the girl.

He grabbed a cotton pad and makeup cleaner, instructing her to sit on the bench as he walked between her legs. He gently wiped her makeup off, Y/n looking up at him, admiring his features. "Your pretty you know that." She mumbled, not entirely meaning to say it out loud.

"Oh am I." Lando said teasingly, a grin making its way across his face. "Mhm." She nodded, Lando wiped the last bit of mascara off before looking down into her eyes. The pair stayed their, Y/n could have sworn he leaned in slightly but the jingle of the front door was heard, Max having returned from dropping his girlfriend off. Lando pulled away quickly, throwing the cotton pad in the bin. "Done." He mumbled, ready to walk out the room and never return.

Y/n followed him out of her conjoining bathroom into her room. "Goodnight Y/n." He said, making his way to her bedroom door as she climbed into bed. "Goodnight Lan." She said, the duvet pulled up to her chin at this point. Lando paused at the door to looked at her, "And Y/n?" She hummed in response, "Next time pick someone who isn't a complete dick okay." He continued before closing his door gently.

Y/n felt her hear shatter all over again, it was just a reminder that no matter how much she wanted to, Y/n and Lando were never going to be together.

The next day when Y/n went to pick up her stuff from Toms she noticed a huge black eye but Tom refused to tell her how it got there.

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2017

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 678 others

yourusername officially the big 17

tagged: landonorris, yourbsfusername, maxfretwell, flo_norris_showjumping

landonorris happy birthday little max

→ yourusername your the worst

yourbsfusername besties legal nowww

→ yourusername yayayaya

→ maxfretwell nononono

maxfretwell happy birthday little sis

→ yourusername thanks loser

flo_norris_showjumping YAYYY

→ yourusername YAYAYYAYAYAY

friend1 happy birthday

→ yourusername thank you

friend2 hope you had a fun birthday

→ yourusername i did thanks

--------------------------

Y/n sat watching the fire. Her family and Landos were having a bonfire and celebrating Y/ns seventeenth and Lando who was doing really well in his Formula 3 season.

She felt the bench she was sitting on dip and looked to see Lando sitting next to her. "So the big seventeen huh?"

Y/n sent him a warm smile, "Yeah actually, its funny though cause I don't feel older even though I am." She said.

"That's what happens, any big plans for the future." He asked her, staring at the fire. Y/n glanced at him confused for a bit, Lando never really was willing to have proper conversations with her if he could escape it.

"Um yeah actually. I signed a campaign with Louis Vuitton so next month I'm flying out to Paris." She said excitedly, a fond smile crossed Landos face.

"Thats great Y/n, I'm really happy for you." He said, giving her a small nudge which she giggled at.

"How are you holding up Lan." He rolled his eyes slightly at the nickname, it had been something that she had never stopped calling him, despite his protests against him.

"Um alright, everything is going so well at the moment, but I'm kinda scared I guess, like I'm worried its all gonna go wrong and I'm gonna fuck everything up." He said, slightly shaky, Y/n turned to look at him and that was the first time she truly saw him, she could see how broken and scared he was. She smiled.

"The last thing your gonna do is fuck this up Lando, this is your dream, this is what your good at. I know you well enough to know that your not gonna fuck it up." She said, seriously and wholeheartedly which mad Lando believe her.

It was silent for a moment and then Lando spoke up, "Thank you."

"Always Lan."

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2018

yourusername has posted

liked by landonorris, yourbsfusername and 25, 678 others

yourusername sometimes you need a little break

tagged: landonorris, maxfretwell, flo_norris_showjumping

landonorris no pic creds????

→ yourusername SORRY guys ill just repost this because lando needs creds

→ user1 HELP SHES SO FUNNY

yourbsfusername miss you so much

→ yourusername I MISS YOU MOREE

flo_norris_showjumping y/ns everything and landos just there

→ yourusername don't speak to loudly hell hear you

→ landonorris HEY rude much

user2 whos the man

→ user3 Lando hes y/ns brothers best

----------------

It had been nearly a year since Y/n had last seen Lando, things had gotten busy with her modeling. The families had decided to go on a beach vacation together, forcing Y/n and Lando to spend the next two weeks together.

Flo had decided that the four of them should go clubbing together, a group catch up or something like that. After not seeing her brother and one of her best friends for so long it was necessary.

"Drink up Y/n." Flo said, passing a shot to her. Y/n downed the shot quickly scrunching her nose slightly.

"Slow down there sis." Max said whilst Lando bit back a grin, snorting slightly.

A while later Max had left the booth to go dance with his girlfriend whilst Flo had wondered off to get more shots. "Hey Lan." Y/n said giggling drunkly, Lando smiled back at her.

"You might wanna slow down on the drinks there Little max." Lando said, acting nonchalant but eyeing the drink in her hand.

"Oh come off it Lan, were here to have fun." She said raising her eyebrows slightly before downing the whole drink in front of him, acting as if it were a competition.

His face changed, into awe and an expression that she couldn't quite place. She smiled slightly before getting more serious, "Lan I-"

"Oh my god Lando?" They both turned to face the girl standing on the outside of the booth, Lando scooting away from her as if he had been burned.

"Alyssa what are you doing here?" Lando asked, shock taking over his face. Alyssa. Y/n felt the bile come up her throat, the burning hot jealousy. The pair started talking but she tuned out what they were saying until Lando turned to face her. She quickly fixed her expression into a smile when he faced her.

"Do you mind if I?" He paused, she shook her head. "No go ahead." She said, moving to leave the booth.

"Y/n you don't have to leave." She smiled, falsely and it was something Lando saw right through.

"Its fine really I just need to go to the toilet." She said, moving to leave again.

"Y/n, wait what were you going to ask me?" He asked her, she smiled at him, heart fluttering at the fact he was paying attention.

"Oh um- just if you wanted another drink." She said, lying through her teeth.

"I'm alright thanks." He said before turning to face Alyssa. Y/n headed straight to the bar, her plan to go to the toilets long forgotten.

"Two shots please." She asked, leaning against the bar.

"Rough night?" Y/n turned to look at a man standing next to her, he wasn't ugly in any sense, but definitely wasn't her type, he wasn't Lando.

She just smiled, muttering something under her breathe before turning back to the counter praying for the bar tender to hurry up.

"What's your name gorgeous." The guy asked, stepping closer, obviously not being very happy with the way he was being ignored. Before she could answer the bar tender came back and she quickly downed the two shots.

"Can I buy you a drink?" The guy asked, clearly annoyed at this point from the lack of response. She turned to him, about to tell him to fuck off when her eyes locked on something, Lando and the blonde. He was smiling at her, looking at her in a way Y/n could only dream of being looked at. She turned back around to face the man, unaware of the eyes that had clocked her and the guy. "Sure." She said with a forced smile and a shaky voice.

Once she had gotten a drink from the bar tender she moved with the guy onto the dance floor. As she danced Y/n noticed a pair of eyes staring daggers at the guy behind him, Lando. She decided to test the waters a little, grinding up against him. Her eyes clocked the way Landos grip tightened around his glass, knuckles going white. She smiled a little and drank the last of her drink. As she took a sip she noticed that she had begun to feel hazy, out of place.

She pulled away from the guy, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." She slurred out, shaking the black spots from her vision.

She stumbled into the corridor when she felt someone's hand grab her and pin her against the wall. "What are you doing? Stop." She got out, trying to fight the urge to slip unconscious.

"Don't act like you didn't want it slut. The way you were acting, Grinding against me." Her wrapped his hand around her throat and placed sloppy, drunken kissed down it.

"Stop get off me." She said, to weak to push him off. He didn't.

She kept muttering at him to get off when someone ripped him off of her. She sunk to the floor, trying to pick up on her surrounds.

"Lando get off him you've already done enough damage." She heard someone say. Lando. Her eyes locked in on the head of curly brunette hair, punching the guy over and over again, rage present on his face.

"Lando." She called out to him, he stopped instantly throwing the guy down. Two hands came to cup her cheeks. "Y/n hey. Can you hear me." He asked her softly to which she nodded.

"Were going home alright, woah hey stake awake for me love." He said, grabbing onto her as she fought off the spots.

"Your okay." He muttered, more to reassure himself than her.

"Flo hey." Lando said, grabbing onto his sister who was dancing. The girl spun around, face dropping at the barely conscious girl Lando was gripping onto like a lifeline. "I need you to find Max now okay? I'm bringing her to the car."

She nodded and walked off, "I'm just gonna have one word with the bar tender okay? Then we can go home."

He walked over to the bar, "Hey were you the prick who served her." Lando asked one of the bar tenders who spun around to face her.

"I uh-"

"I suggest you keep a better eye out, my girlfriend got drugged because of you." Lando spat out, anger filling him. The bar tender nodded shakily, unsure of what else to do. Lando exchange a couple more heated words before heading over to the car.

His phone rung in his back pocket. "Hey Flo whats up?"

"I can't find Max, do you just wanna take Y/n back to the hotel and we can uber back." Flo said, worried for her friend.

"Okay sure." Lando said before chucking the phone in the back seat. Once he was sure that Y/n had gotten in the car safely he started driving back to the Hotel and Y/n blacked out.

"Y/n" Lando asked softly. "Y/n." He called out more loudly this time, no response. Shit, he muttered to himself, changing the route he was headed.

After sending a quick text to Flo, he sped up taking her to the hospital. When he carried her to the hospital a nurse immediately came over. "My girlfriend was drugged." Was all he could seem to say.

Y/n woke up to a beeping sound, the light was very bright when she opened her eyes. The nurse turned around to look at the girl, "Oh great your up, your boyfriend was very worried about you."

Y/n furrowed her eyebrows in confusion now picking up on the sleeping boy beside her. Once she had finished talking with the nurse she turned to look at the boy beside her.

"Lando." She said nudging him with no response. "Lan." She called out more and the boy shot up awake confused, he quickly got out of his daze when he saw the girl who was staring back at him.

"Y/n." He said, standing up and cupping her face. He stayed there for a moment, but then realised what was happening, where he was and stepped back awkwardly.

"Where's Flo and Max?" Y/n asked, trying to break the awkward tension.

"Oh, um back at the hotel, they needed to sober up and everything." Lando said.

"Oh right. And you stayed because?"

"I wanted to." He said quickly, much to his embarrassment.

"Right." She said, nodding slowly, causing a flush to run through his body.

"How are you?" He asked, clearing his throat, worry taking over his face.

"I'm fine." She said, brushing him off.

"Do you want to-"

"No Lando I'm fine." She said more sternly, causing an awkward tension to rise up in the room. After a moment she spoke up again, wanting to keep a lighthearted conversation with him since they barely talked.

"So girlfriend hey?"

"Fuck off."

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2019

yourusername has posted

liked by landonorris, yourbsfusername and 283, 686 others

yourusername couldn't be prouder of you landonorris i knew you could do it ✨🧡

tagged: landonorris

landonorris 🧡🧡

→ yourusername GO LANDO

→ user1 HELP shes too cute

maxfretwell Lando gets posted 3 times and i don't get 1 measly slide

→ yourusername sucks to suck

→ landonorris im juts better🤷

yourbsfusername GO ORANGE

→ yourusername actually its papaya

→ yourusername better fruit anyways

mclaren our fav papaya girl

→ yourusername my favourite papaya team

user2 EVERYONE SHUT UP!!! new y/lando lore just dropped

→ user3 no frfr they have to be a couple now just look at them

--------------------------

Y/n could hear the click of cameras following her as she headed towards the Mclaren garage. She had come to the Bahrain Grand Prix after missing Landos first due to scheduling conflicts.

"Y/n, its good to see you here." She heard a voice say and turned around to see her brother.

"Maxie." She screamed excitedly, jumping to wrap her arms around him, making him stumble back slightly.

"Easy there, how are you dove?" He asked his sister, pulling back to take her in.

"Pretty good, just exhausted." She said, rotating herself so could lean back against him and watch the track.

"Does Lando know your here?" He asked his sister, noting the familiar hue that still spread across her cheeks at the mention of the boy.

"No, I thought I'd surprise him." She responded, taking in the surroundings. Everything was so much bigger, a vast contrast to what she was used to watching Lando race at. She smiled slightly thinking about how far he had come.

"Hes gonna be really happy to see you, I'm really happy too see you." Y/n smiled up at her brother before looking at her watch.

"I'm gonna go surprise him now before things get to hectic." She said, patting her brothers arm before the siblings split off.

Y/ns eyes went everywhere, taking in her surroundings as she walked into the McLaren garage, eyes finding Lando instantly who was staring at something on his phone. She walked over to him, covering his eyes as she reached him.

"Guess who?" She whispered in the boys ear and he spun around immediately to face her.

"Y/n." He said excitedly, a huge smile spreading across his face as he took her in. Once he felt like he had fully looked over at her to make sure she was really there he pulled her into a tight huge. "What are you doing here?"

"Mf, thought I'd surprise you," She said her voice muffled in his chest, "I'm sorry I missed your first race."

Lando shook his head, "I don't care, as long as your hear now." He said, placing a small kiss on her head.

"Let the girl breathe Lando." Y/n heard someone with a thick accent say and the pair both turned to face Lando teammate, Carlos Sainz. "Carlos, pleasure to meet you." He said, sticking out his hand.

"Y/n." She said, shaking his hand, Landos arm draped protectively around her shoulders. A flicker of recognition crossed Carlos' face.

"Ah, So your the famous Y/n I've hear so much about."

"That would be me, all good things I hope." She said smiling.

"I don't think he could ever say bad things." Carlos said, giving Lando a pointed look. A confused look crossed her face for a second before she went back to smiling.

As she went to say something else someone called the two boys over. Carlos left but Lando lingered for a bit, "Stay here, please, I want to know you'll be here when I finish." He asked her, nearly begging.

"Of course." She said softly, up at him. A smile took over Landos face as he looked at her, quickly placing a kiss on his cheek and a quick goodbye as he was called for the fourteenth time.

"Y/n right?" She spun around to see a pretty girl looking at her, missing the way Carlos nudged Lando before whispering something to him.

"Yeah I am." The girl said blushing.

"I'm Isa, Carlos' girlfriend. Come sit, we can watch the race together."

The two girls sat together, watching the race and chatting although Y/n spent half the time forcing down her nerves. She watched in anticipation as the race came to a close, celebrating when Lando got sixth, his first points in Formula 1.

After everything came to a close, Lando came over to Y/n, wrapping her in a tight hug. She hugged him back tightly, disregarding how sweaty the boy was.

"I'm so so proud of you Lan, you did such a good job today." She said beaming from ear to ear, pulling back to look at him.

"Nothing without my good luck charm here." He said, making a rosy blush make its way across his cheeks.

--------------------------------

2020

yourusername has posted

liked by maxfretwell, yourbsfusername and 967, 394 others

yourusername conragulations lando 🎉

tagged: landonorris, lilymhe

lilymhe i MISSED you so much

→ yourusername stop i wanna see you again alreadyyyy

yourbsfusername GORGEOUS GIRL OML

→ yourusername STOP I LOVE YOU

maxfretwell missed you by one weeked

→ yourusername I'll BE HOME SOOON TRUST

user1 no lando interaction

user2 something feels off about this one tbh

user3 this seems so forced

user4 SHES LEGIT HIS GOODLUCK CHARM

----------------------------------------

Y/n and Lily walked towards the bar when she felt an arm wrap around her wrist, pulling her to the.

"What the - Carlos?" She asked, confusion and shock present on her face. "What are you doing."

"Your over Lando aren't you?" Carlos asked her making the girl stop and stutter.

"I- How did you- why?" The girl started and stopped, not sure what to say.

"Come with me, we should go find Isa or-" Carlos said, pulling her away from Lily.

"Carlos what's going on." She asked confused, turning around to look back at the Lily, and thats when she saw them.

A gorgeous brunette had her arm wrapped around Landos. She was slim, tall and had a gorgeous smile and made Y/n want to hide in a corner and cry. Its not like Y/n was jealous, she knew she was gorgeous, she was a model after all but this girl ha d something Y/n didn't, Lando. And he seemed infatuated with her.

Lando couldn't take his eyes off her, he was beaming. Y/n watched as the girl grabbed onto his arm, playfully swatting at his chest. Y/n felt like she had been stabbed over and over and Lando was just watching as she slowly bled out. "Oh."

"I'm so sorry, I knew he was talking to someone but I never thought it was serious enough for him to bring her to a race." Carlos said, pity laced in his voice. Y/n shook it off. "No, its fine, I'm fine. I guess I just didn't really think." She said.

She turned around and headed off in a random direction, Lily following behind her. It was at that moment Lando looked up, eyes finding the head of hair that was making its way further and further away and Carlos looking at him disappointedly before shaking his head and following after the two girls.

Lily was rubbing a comforting hand on her back when Carlos caught up with them. "Y/n." He said softly before engulfing her in a hug. She finally broke down, all those years of built up hurt and frustration caused by Lando was all let out.

"I just don't understand why he can't love me, whats wrong with me?" She sobbed, Carlos hugged her tighter.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Nothing Y/n. He's the one with the problem." Lily said so her. Carlos knew that when he had the chance he was going to rip into Lando.

"Why can't I just be happy?"

It had made one thing crystal clear, something that Lando had seemed to be repeating to her for years, he didn't want her. It was time to move on.

Landos first podium felt bittersweet, she gave him a small half hearted hug, but it had become obvious that it was over. This was the last moment for a long while that Y/n knew she would share with Lando, she needed space.

On her way out she accidently walked into to something, someone.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry."

"No its completely my fault, I should have been paying more attention." Someone said to her. She looked up to see a rather attractive man. She recognised him from around the track but they had never spoken before. "I'll buy you a new coffee." He said again.

"You don't have to but if your offering a doughnut with that I might just have to accept." She said to him.

"Of course, wouldn't want you to miss out on a free doughnut now would I." He said, matching her tone.

She smiled up at him, "Y/n Y/ln by the way." She said, sticking out her hand to him.

"I know - I mean nice to meet you, George Russell." The boy stuttered out, blushing slightly.

--------------------------------

2021

yourusername has posted

liked by landonorris, yourbsfusername and 1, 209, 394 others

yourusername nothing like monaco grand prix guys. so excited to be here and enjoy with those closest to me. ✨

tagged: maxfretwell, yourbsfusername, lilymhe, carlossainz55

maxfretwell always fun with my sister around

→ yourusername RARE!!!! max showing love to his sister

yourbsfusername BESTEST TIME WITH YOU

→ yourusername I KNOWW IT HAD LEGIT BEEN AGES

lilymhe STOP I MISSED YOU

→ yourusername agghffghhgfhfg

carlossainz55 my number 1 supporter

→ yourusername ferrari is legit my bae so...

mclaren 😢😢

→ yourusername IM SORRY

scuderiaferrari our favourite

→ mclaren back off she was ours first

user1 doesn't feel right without lando

user2 wheres lando

user3 i miss lando tbh

→ user4 so does everyone else in the comments tbh

user5 lando camping out in the likes frfr

user6 y/n here means a lando podium

→ user7 no cause shes his good luck charm fr

------------------------------------

It was the first time Y/n had been to a Grand Prix since Austrias Grand Prix the year before. Monaco was a big deal in the Formula 1 world and she knew it, the glamour, the elegance, it was one of her favourite races for a reason.

The day also marked the first race that she would go to since she started dating George. The pair had decided to keep their relationship lowkey and away from the public eye until they figured out how they wanted to function as a couple.

After meeting at the Austrian Grand Prix, Y/n and George had become good friends. Y/n trying to give herself sometime before jumping straight into a relationship. George was patient, he knew that there was history between Lando and Y/n but didn't push it. He took her out on picnic dates, would make dinner for her and was overall a loving a respectful boyfriend, never pushing her boundaries, he had been the perfect candidate for Y/n to move on.

The pair had gone long distance for a while because of busy schedules, but Y/n had made an effort to come to the first Grand Prix back.

Y/n had organised to meet at the Paddock Club with Lily and begun to make her way over when she bumped into someone.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry." She said, bending down to pick her stuff up. The person helped her and she felt a spark touching his hand as they both went to pick something up. "Lando." She said in recognition.

The boy tilted his head as he looked at the girl, "Y/n? What are you doing here?" He asked confusion laced in his tone. It didn't make sense, Max wasn't there and she only ever went if Max went.

"I came here to watch the race." She said curtly, shooting a small smile, the tone in her voice sounding as though she was saying 'duh.' She began to walk away from him. Lando chased after her confused, grabbing at her arm to make her stop walking and face him.

"Yeah but like why, you never come if Max isn't, you don't like being in the garage alone." She rolled her eyes. Lando felt his heart clench in his chest, why was she acting like this.

"Have you stopped to think maybe I won't be alone, maybe I'm not here for you Lando." She said and Lando felt as if Y/n had personally stabbed him herself. He had never experienced this side before.

Y/n forced herself to look at his face, trying to distract herself from how hot he looked, and how hurt he looked. Lando opened his mouth to say something but a voice called over from the side.

"Y/n." They both turned to see George. He came over and planted a kiss on her cheek, wrapping an arm around her wait. Lando tensed up immediately. "Hey baby." She said, leaning into him slightly, although she felt very tense.

"Lando." George said, nodding towards the man. Lando ignored him, eyes focused on the arm wrapped around her waist, heart hammering in his chest and blood pumping in his ears. When he noticed the look that Y/n had given him he responded to George, venom laced in his tone. George didn't notice but he did sense the awkward tension.

"So you guys are-"

"Dating, its pretty new though." Y/n cut him off, wrapping her hand around Georges which was sitting on her waist. "We very happy."

Lando could pick up on her tone, one telling him to leave them alone. He excused himself, coming up with some bullshit reason to get away. Once he had gotten far enough away Lando turned to watch Y/n and George, she hugged him tightly and placed a kiss to his cheek before walking off.

Lando felt sick. That should be him. He hated George. He hated himself. He didn't understand why he was feeling like this, maybe he always had. He just knew if he cared for Y/n the way he claimed, his heart wouldn't be hurting so much to see her and George together.

Carlos watched the whole interaction painfully. Lando had been in love with her for a while now and Carlos knew it, but Lando had never admitted it. From day one Lando talked about Y/n. How she was caring, kind, one of Landos best friend. He liked her in a platonic way he argued, he just admired how she would always stop to pat random pets, would bring him food after each race, could tell when he was upset. He even admired the way she would bite off the heads of gummy snakes so they wouldn't feel the pain. After Lando had spotted her at the last grand prix he broke it off with his girlfriend. He had argued that it had nothing to do with her he just didn't feel the same way about his girlfriend anymore.

Lando should be relieved that Y/n had moved on, its what he wanted for years. So why did he feel so uneasy about the whole situation?

-----------------------------

2022

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liked by georgerussell, yourbsfusername and 1, 586, 986 others

yourusername brazil with my fav

tagged: georgerussell

georgerussell 💙

→ yourusername IM SO PROUD OF YOU

yourbsfusername your so sexy ml

→ yourusername I LOVE YOUUUU

francisca.cgomes my fav

→ yourusername STOP ILY SO MUCH

lilymhe CUTIE

→ yourusername YOUR A CUTIE

mercedesamgf1 OUR FAV

→ yourusername stopppppp

user1 missing the y/lando content so much

→ user2 grow up shes moved on

user3 idk something just feels wrong

user4 anyone find it so interesting that the two races Y/n came to was Landos only podium and a dnf

→ user5 NO FRFR SHE AFFECTS HOW HE DRIVES I STG

---------------------

Y/n wasn't a hundred percent sure how she had ended up there. It was Christmas time and she had brought George home with her. Her family and Landos were doing there annual Christmas celebration and somehow Lando and George both had to be there.

Lando was unable to keep his eyes off of her the whole night, it was getting creepy and he knew it. Max had also noticed Landos borderline creepy staring. Lando had been rotating between pouting like a toddler and not subtle staring through the whole night and Max was sick of it.

"Come grab a beer with me." Max said standing up off the couch.

"What-" Lando started but Max forcibly grabbed him up, pulling him into the kitchen.

"You need to stop Lando, I'm sick of it. You either like my sister or you don't. She's happy and I don't want you ruining it." Max said in a threatening tone.

"What are you - How?" Lando stuttered.

"Its obvious." Max sighed, "Just answer me this and I'll be on your side."

"What is it?"

"Do you love her?" Before Lando could answer Max's question the girl in question walked in. Lando felt his heart jump, she looked gorgeous as ever.

"Interrupting boy time?" She asked teasingly, moving past them to pour herself a champagne.

"No, just grabbing a beer." Max said uncomfortably.

She nodded, "I see how it is." She said, heading back into the living room.

Lando turned back to face Max once she left, not giving Max a chance to speak before speaking up, "I'm so in love with her it hurts me. I need her more than the air I breathe, I need her more than the moon needs the sun. She's everything."

Max nodded, engulfing Lando in a tight hug, the boy bursting into tears. He wasn't a hundred percent sure why, but he was.

Y/n was frozen in her place in the door frame, there it was, the words she wanted to hear her whole life. It wasn't fucking fair. She left with George pretty soon after, making some excuse about not feeling well when really she couldn't be in the same vicinity as Lando.

She was done, she had decided. She was fucking done with Lando Norris.

-------------------------

2023

yourusername has posted

liked by yourbsfusername, maxfretwell and 1, 384, 734 others

yourusername life out and about

tagged: yourbsfusername, friend1, friend2

friend1 last night was WILD

→ yourusername not worth the hangover

yourbsfusername never again

→ yourusername NEVER I SAY

maxfretwell are you coming home soon???

→ yourusername if i have time

fransica.cgomes missing my baby

→ yourusername i miss you too

lilymhe HOT

→ yourusername HOTHOTHOT

user1 sorry but shes spiraling

user2 i miss the old y/n era

→ user3 nah this era is the best era

user4 LANDOS IN SINGAPORE ASWELL

-------------------------------

Y/n had lost track of how many drinks she'd had at this point. She was in Singapore for a modelling event, conveniently Lando was in Singapore for the Singapore Grand Prix.

She had convinced the other girls to go drinking with her, needing to get Lando out of her mind. She was spiraling and she knew it. Ever since Landos confession the year prior she had completely gone out of control. Her and George had a messy break up, not for the lack of trying from George to make things work out. He had finally called it quits when she cheated on him during one of her many drunken escapades.

He wasn't certain but George was pretty sure her completely 180 had something to do with Lando, after that Christmas she had started acting weird. After her breakup with George Y/n completely lost it, going out every night, a million different hookups, everyone close to her knew she was out of control.

They wanted to help but they didn't know how. She didn't listen no matter how much they tried to shut it down. They all just wanted her to get better, to feel better. This lead them to hear, at a random club in Singapore. With much reluctance she finally convinced her friends to go out with her.

Y/n swung her hips to the beat, leaning against some random guy. He was her prey for the night she had decided. She turned around to face him. "I'll be right back." She whispered in his ear, heading over to the bar, aware of his stare on her ass as she walked away.

"Another shot." She said the bartender when someone slide next to her.

"Can I get a whiskey please." A familiar gravely voice asked. It couldn't be. The girl turned to look at the guy standing next to her. Lando.

The boy felt someone's gaze on him and shot a glance to the side before double backing. "Y/n." He whispered her name out like a prayer, like something had saved him.

"Norris." She sent him a tight lipped smile. Lando could hear his heart shatter, the indifference was killing him.

"What are you doing hear." He asked her.

"Just a modelling gig. Thank you." She said to the bar tender before taking the shot, making Landos eyebrows raise in surprise. "Look I have to go but it was great seeing you."

Somehow Lando could tell that it was insensire.

Y/n had felt Landos eyes on her all night, she basked in it but also hated in. It was so conflicting. She had bumped into Carlos one her way back to the dancefloor and they had talked for a little while.

The dudes hands started to explore her body, running up her chest to cup at her boobs. She embraced the feeling, imagining it was Lando instead. The guy began to kiss down her neck and she lifted her hand to grab at his hair when all of a sudden he was pulled away.

"What the fuck." She turned around to see Lando holding the guy and yelling in his face. "Lando what are you doing." He ignored her. The dude pushed Lando off him.

"Fuck this shit, this pussy isn't worth it." The dude said, Lando went to chase after him but she held him back.

"What is your problem Norris." She yelled at him in his face, not caring who was watching.

"What's my problem? Whats your problem Y/n. And can you stop with the Norris, what happened to Lan or even Lando? When did you start hating me." He said, emotion thick in his voice.

"Hate you? I don't hate you I just really fucking sick of being treated like shit. I loved you Lando, and you just lead me on for years. I got sick of it, of you never doing anything." She screamed at him, Lando deflated slightly.

"Loved?" He asked her. She rolled her eyes, stepping away from him.

"I'm done listening to this bullshit." She said, walking off, he pulled her back to him.

"You still love me. I know you do." He said, taking step closer.

"No I don't, I don't want you anymore Lando." She said, her resolve crumbling.

"If you didn't you wouldn't have been dancing with some other guy, trying to make me jealous." He said, pausing slightly. "Tell me, were you imaging my hands instead of his, wishing it was me." He whispered, Y/n felt a flush break over her because it was true, she felt like she had been caught red handed.

"Come on, baby, you miss me, I know you do." He said, pulling her chin up lips closing in on hers.

Y/n was in a daze, breathing in the familiar smell of his cologne after so long without him. All of a sudden she felt herself get pulled out of the trance she was in. She pushed him off, Landos gaze filtered in confusion.

"You know what I'm so done with you. Of course you want me now, I'm trying to get over you Lando, I need to get over you." She said, her voice breaking a little. He wanted to grab her, hold her, apologise.

"What if I don't want you to." He said.

She completely stepped back, tears in her eyes.

"Fuck you Lando Norris."

-----------------------------

a/n: tbh did not spell check this so it might be completly shit also tell me why it took me a whole week to write this and also ignore if timeline is completely wrong - 8K words which is insane

[findafight]

Idk if you’re the person to send this to but like

The whole thing with Murray’s comments and Nancy and Jon getting together…. It is set up in such a way that it can be read as a situation where an ambitious teenage girl was pressured into what she was “supposed” to be. Nancy was told by a man that she respected and who took her seriously (and was the ONLY one to do so, so Murray gained an untold amount of trust from Nancy immediately, and the show just brushing off their relationship is such a loss but ok), that in order to be her real self she must dump Steve. Now Murray was just poking at two teenagers with a metaphorical stick to see what would they do. Understandable position, as a younger sister haver love doing that also (not with romantic feelings though but Murray was never meant to be ethical). I doubt that what the comment meant for him can be easily translated into what it meant for Nancy (let alone Jon, who thinks that he is better than most people and that he is definitely better than Steve, so I imagine he was nodding along). But he did influence her into becoming an investigative journalist. Like Murray with him taking Nancy seriously influenced her into two major life altering decisions (career and significant other). Like wow. And they never interacted again! Fucking hate st continuity.

Like Nancy dumping Steve because Murray told her to do so is a major thing. It’s BAD for jancy. Before s4 I thought that they were not mentioning it because jancy happened and was the endgame. But with them toying with stancy and likely knowing that they might toy with stancy all along??? Why did they not leave it open to interpretation. It’s such a juicy storyline, it shows the magnitude of the influence that you can have on a teenage girl, it’s beautiful, it’s painful, it’s the stuff of a real love-triangle (which is hard to make interesting but that would make it interesting!!!). Why did they write it then??? Whyyyyyy?????

oooooh that's so interesting anon!

I am much more of a murray fan when he is being a weird gay conspiracy uncle guy and isn't matchmaking, it must be said.

He and Nancy have the potential for a really interesting dynamic! It really is a shame we don't get to see more of it tbh. and you are so right in what his comment meaning to him and what it meant to Nancy and Jon separately would be so different! I don't know if Nancy would necessarily feel pressured by it, (though I wouldn't say she wasn't, either) but maybe it would vindicate something of how she was feeling about her relationship with Steve at the time and her feelings for Jonathan? Like a "oh this man I respect and who takes me seriously also thinks Jonathan is better for me, thinks I should go for it. Maybe I will..." kind of thing?

And lol yeah so true Jon just had his own conception of himself and Steve and their relationships with Nancy confirmed by Murray. he just kinda got...permission? I guess? to make a move on Nancy even though he was the one bringing up Steve both times he's mentioned on the road trip.

Totally see where you're coming from of Murray's influence not being mentioned because you figured Jancy was endgame, makes sense (if boring) to not question it if it doesn't need to be addressed as an issue because the pairing is canon for the rest. But now the teen love triangle has been brought back.... you're so right it is bad for Jancy. It brings up stuff about them that a lot of people (especially the Duffers!) don't want to deal with or acknowledge. Though I don't think they were planning the whole time to bring stancy back I think that sort of happened because the duffers unfortunately don't know what to do with Nacy if she doesn't have a boy to look at and Steve when he isn't pining over Nancy.

There's not enough time left to fully and satisfyingly delve into the issues between the original older teens, especially since some of those issues aren't treated as issues. It would be interesting to see, and also so so juicy, the complicated relationship they have with each other because of the UD etc, but I don't think a whole lot of interesting canon material will come from it (though that doesn't mean fan content can't!!) just based on how other romantic relationships and their dynamics with each other have been treated through the show. tbh I think maybe s5 will tease the love triangle but ultimately either end up with them all single (my preference) or with Jancy still together.

[fandom-hoarder]

Why don't you like Cordri?

I'm ace and I don't get into a ship just because it has pretty people. I actually literally cannot. They might as well be the ugliest people you've ever seen. (I also couldn't get into the first Twyla/Cordell motel scene, or that stint with the journalist; but I started to really like Twyla when she came back, and I liked the story all of these encounters told about Cordell's character and dealing with his trauma.)

There's no buildup there; none of the kind of tension and buildup I require. The idea of them is simply boring to me, like they're doing it because so many interviewers kept asking; and because I don't feel the chemistry there, seeing them kiss or have sexytimes makes me gag.

They were more interesting when I thought she was involved in Emily's death, and even when they revealed she wasn't, I DID enjoy their first kiss because it was emotional and trauma-induced and TABOO because she was Hoyt's girl and Cordi was still *seeing* Emily.

Now they're just SO blah to me. The relationship might make "sense", but it wasn't earned. And I don't even think it would be any better now if Odette hadn't needed maternity leave. A lot of shows have the tendency to ruin a "fan ship" by getting them together in canon and then obliterating all the tension and character dynamics. But here, they didn't even let that buildup happen before they killed it. Their dynamic was boring to me almost the whole time.

Also, there are a lot of things that just mildly irk me about Geri, and they unfortunately add up to me being annoyed by her most of the time, but especially in her interactions with Cordell. Most of the showcase of their relationship has been them not communicating well, being on different pages, and it feels more like a "pair the spares" situation tbh.

Even in this new ep, Geri not understanding Cordell's empty nest feelings automatically seems WILD to me. How are these lifelong friends? What is the romantic connection, exactly?

i don't want to disparage the actress but there's always some awkwardness to her acting that doesn't sell geri to me idk. I'd hoped it'd get better after s1, after being geri for awhile, but not so much. she's gotten a little better since her stint on house, at least, but she always feels like she's being fake even when she's not playing a red herring. It's weird.

[outrunningthedark]

The one good thing about buddie not yet being canon is always getting a solo storyline for Eddie and Buck (and you are right, Chimney deserves his own storyline in 6b!)

I will forever be mad that Tim & Kristen (including Tim because he actually spoke about it to a journalist) decided Chim didn't need his own arc in Maddie's absence. FOREVER MAD. And people say "Oh, but Chim being gone really helped the audience feel how fractured things had become." Well, consider this: Chimney was a character before Maddie came along. Chimney is his own person outside of his relationship the same way not everything Buck and Eddie do has to be about/include each other. We could have had Albert (idc if fandom doesn't like him, he's literally family) helping out with Jee once or twice. We could have seen Henren (one one half of them) around her. We could have STILL seen the tension between Buck and Chim for a few weeks with them not talking and then they have a REAL scene where they put all that crap behind them. We could have had Uncle Buck even earlier (for those that care)! And for the Madney part of it, we could have gotten Chim reaching out and failing to get into contact, leading to a talk with EDDIE!! The guy who also had no way of knowing where his kid's mom was!! (That is not me saying the reasons for why they left are comparable or equally excusable, I'm gonna stop everyone right there. But it IS something that the show could have used to have the guys bond. Maybe that was what the deleted 5x04 scene was about, we don't know.) Even something like Chm being "kidnapped" didn't get the angst fandom expected. It was a "haha, how funny" moment with the soundtrack and the fact that his partner wasn't even aware it was happening (a big difference from how LS intertwines Judd and Grace's careers when they're apart). Stop disrespecting my guy, 911! This is supposed to be an ensemble show!

Getting back to the main point of the ask (this is why I don't talk about Madney/Chimney very often, lol), I think Eddie's solo storylines are better than Buck's, tbh - Eddie and Shannon was good because we saw his growth as a parent while she was still mentally stuck in her early 20s bitching about the past, the fighting arc, Eddie Begins > Buck Begins, EddieAna was better than BT because they made her look perfect (minus the ableism that the show handwaved) and Eddie was like "You're perfect, but not perfect for me." whereas Buck kinda...had no choice but to break things off? But...Eddie's arcs don't last as long because he's not the character the show uses to draw viewers in. 😶

[hyunin]

some of y'all know and some of u don't but being chronically ill is one of my Things. i won't get into the whole tragic backstory or anything if y'all want to know more u can dm me idm talking about it at all but asdafsdgdg i had my appointment with my specialist doctor that i've been seeing every 3-6 months for the past eight years since i was diagnosed with my illness today and. she told me i was doing well on my own and that she wasn't doing anything to help me anymore and that she thought it was time she cuts me loose, essentially meaning...i am Better Enough to not have to see her regularly anymore. she said ofc i can make an appointment with her any time if i have problems but the regular checkins aren't necessary, i have Graduated sick person school 🥳

i didn't think i was going to get into it too much but i feel like some context is important so content warning for suicidal thoughts/depression/general shitty health i guess

i managed to not cry like a baby over this until now when i'm finally home and sitting down with some time to myself and it's honestly so surreal. i have had health problems my entire life and i remember when i was like. 13 years old. being too sick to go to school anymore and being in so much physical and emotional pain that i would Pray that i would die every day. i genuinely feel so sad for baby carly she suffered so much, and the thing about having health problems that essentially steal your life from you is that you become physically incapable of planning for the future because you don't know if you're going to be too sick to do this or that or if it'll even be possible for you, so i never really thought about what i wanted to do with my life, i just didn't think about the future At All. i tried to come to terms with the fact hat i would probably be sick my entire life and tbh yeah i will be, my illness is highly treatable but never Really goes away in its entirety, it will flare up in the future too. but somehow i never really considered the fact that one day...i would be healthy enough to not need to go to the doctor every three months anymore? i used to go to the doctor Every Week.

and i'm looking at my life now and like...i'm back in school...sure i only take two classes a semester and it's taking me five years to get a degree that was supposed to take me two years, but...i'm in school?? i have a 4.0 even after finishing my required math and science courses? and i don't have an Actual Full Time Job but i DO have a source of income and i am getting paid to write which is my favorite thing to do in the world. like yeah i'm 26 i have never even been on a date in my life but like...i'm still here??? and i've grown so much? it's only march and i've already done more this year than past carly ever dreamed i could?? the entire past month i've just been floored by the fact that i never could've done any of this in the past, and apparently my doctor sees it too and now i am just. Better Enough. to live my life how i want to now. and that's so crazy overwhelming and kind of scary but also exciting. to finally look at things and think...yeah i think i can do that. instead of "what if i'm not healthy enough." to be able to look at the world as a bunch of things i can do now instead of things i can't...like maybe i will actually learn to drive and get out of this dumb midwestern town and become a journalist and maybe it is possible for me to have goals and dreams that i can actually achieve. it's so hard to wrap my head around because i never really allowed myself that possibility before

this is a lot of rambling just to say ???? i don't even know dude ASDFSDGG i just feel so happy and proud of myself...and i feel so happy for my past self too, there have been lots of times in my life that i feel like past me would be so disappointed that i haven't done more with my life but today i wish i could tell 13 year old carly that we made it. and that we will be okay and that i can promise that for a fact. and i feel so proud of the me that felt like she couldn't do Anything for just surviving those days because even those days helped me get to today and to become the me that is well enough to not have to go to the doctor more than once a year anymore. and it's not like Everything Is Better And Perfect And Great, there will still be shit days and there's still a lot to work on and a lot more growing to do but wow. things are so much less shit now than they were 10 years ago, or even five years ago, and being able to Feel that so strongly after so long is just so rewarding. i honestly can't even put it into words, i could type about 5000 more and i'm pretty sure it still wouldn't be enough.

tl;dr wow turns out the "things get better" bullshit isn't bullshit after all. it just turns out that sometimes even the shit is part of the "getting better." i hope that if you're going through a hard time now that by next year, or in the next five years, or ten years, you'll be able to look back on this difficult time and be proud of yourself for surviving it, and that you'll also be happy for your past self, and be in a position to tell the you of today that you made it and will be okay. bc if it can happen to me!! it can happen to anyone trust me okay.

[eccentric-ocean]

Mid april/early may reading list

Beach Read Emily Henry

already mentioned here

Glitterland Alexis Hall

i enjoyed this gay contemporary romance. well, it's 10 years old, and i could tell. it's definitely about the flaws of the main character. who can be a jerk. he's struggling with a mental illness and finally learns to live with it. and be less of a jerk. definitely not cured by love or anything but love makes him want to be a better man. he figures out how to apologize and everything. i feel like i'm not selling it, but i liked it!

Waiting for the Flood / Alexis Hall

Already mentioned here and here.

Daniel Cabot Puts Down Roots Cat Sebastian

Historical gay romance. It's kind of a friends-to-lovers. And I enjoyed it, except for some reason I thought the smut was a bit TOO graphic with this one. Might also have been the fact that Glitterland and the second novella from Waiting for the Flood also had lots of smut and I was overdosing. But still, this one felt a lot more graphic than other C. Sebastian books to me. What I love about her is how she writes her characters, and how funny they are, and the emotional journey she takes us on.

The Last Word Katy Birchall

Hetero enemies-to-lovers but not really. It's obvious early on that this isn't hate. And there's a silly (to me) reason why the characters fell apart, which could've made sense in the moment but in hindsight can't possibly hold up. I still finished the novel and gave it 4 stars so it wasn't bad. I enjoyed the writing. I was just frustrated with the MC there for a while. Right, and there was a scene in there that was like WHAT are we doing here and I'm gonna spoil it cuz I need to talk about it.

So she's a celebrity journalist and there is a chapter in which she and the love interest help a celebrity birth a child in a taxi cab. And it's like, so weird. And the baby gets named after them. I was like, did we NEED this?

The Faraway Nearby Rebecca Solnit

Some non-fiction! Great book, fantastic writing. I can't really say what it's about because it's about so many things: having to take care of your old/sick parent when they hurt you throughout your childhood, moving to iceland because you can, appreciating and making art, facing your own mortality, Che Guevara & leprosy, learning to let people in and let them take care of you, what a community is.... Highly recommend.

You Should Be So Lucky Cat Sebastian

Again, gay historical romance. Baseball player & journalist fall in love. The author is very good at what she does. What she writes about being forced to hide a part of your identity in the 1950s/1960s in the US makes me rethink about the rights of LGBT+ people then and now. Cause we obviously haven't "fixed" it for good.

But this is NOT a depressing read. It's funny, cute & just lovely. I just wish they could be husbands like they obviously want to. Right, there's also a huge part of this that's about grief/grieving someone you can't openly grieve. And about building a circle of gay friends.

Funny Story Emily Henry

So I read yet another romance (!!). MC falls in love with her ex-fiance's new fiance's ex-boyfriend. Makes sense right? No but really, it's good. It feels like reading a hollywood romcom tbh. One of the good ones. But they always end up a little too picture perfect for me. Like, if I were the writer, she'd never speak to her absent father again in her life. And probably wouldn't take her best friend back as a friend, all things considered. But it is what is! I might be a bit too cynical.

[demonsfate]

i just don't understand why i keep seeing people assume tk8 is ignoring tk6 Jin and think it's just pretending it never happened or something because he's the current hope for mankind, when literally in the first 4 minutes we have him talk about needing to atone, Kazuya directly calling him out for starting the war, and literal flashbacks taken directly from old cutscenes. What is everyone else supposed to do? Let Kazuya just steamroll the entire world instead because it's somehow more important that Jin be punished?

Regardless of how one feels about Kazuya, it is. Canon. That he's been trying to take over the world since the very first game. Jack was literally sent to the first KOIFT by the Russian government to stop Kazuya. We know exactly what happened as soon as he gained power in tk2. Tk8 is consistent with Kazuya in a way the fiasco in 6 was inconsistent with Jin. It doesn't mean Kazuya lacks depth--he can do both!

WELL. Tbh, I somewhat understand what people mean by that. I don't think they mean the game is just pretending it never happened but they're pretending the weight of it never happened. Yes, Kazuya does bring up this weight by pointing out that Jin got 'countless killed' and all that. But of course, the villain is gonna bring up the protagonist's (huge major) faults. The problem is how the other characters are treating him.

For example, even though Tek7 was already doing a better job at depicting Jin (not as good as Tek8, but better than Tek6) - characters all still fucking hated his guts. Claudio obviously had bad intentions with him until that was changed in Tek8, Miguel wanted to kill him and only didn't because he wants to wait until Jin is happy, so he can take that away. The journalist hated Jin for supposedly killing his family, and then Lars STOPPED the Journalist from killing him, but only because they need him. Lars even agreed with the Journalist that he too would kill Jin if Jin wasn't needed.

So how does Lars sympathize with the idea of stabbing a comatose Jin in the head with a screwdriver to all of a sudden now fist bumping him, and smiling while saying "I'm proud of you! You did good!" Like it really doesn't make sense. Especially when you remember all the horrible, straight up traumatic things that Jin did to Lars. Such as having Lars do his dirty work (until Lars stopped believing in it and rebelled) getting Lars' best friend killed - remember Tougou or whatever his name was? Yeah, I don't think Lars does anymore either, but that was a good friend of his. And then forcing Alisa to fight Lars, and then Lars being forced to "kill" Alisa - then Jin immediately mocks her AND Lars after she dies.

While it's understandable that Lars knows they need Jin, it's just bizarre to see him acting like buddies with him after all of the above. Like there's no reason Lars has to behave this way toward Jin. Which is why people feel like Tek8 is ignoring Tek6 to an extent. Same with all the other characters being weirdly supportive - not just because they know they need Jin, but they're to the point where they're acting like good friends.

Which, I mean! That DOES make me happy! I always wanted to see Jin get support from friends and family! It makes me so happy that after so many years of being alone and pushing people away, Jin finally has more than two loved ones! I love, LOVE seeing Jin take on the role of the protagonist again and is even seen as the "hope of mankind." But I do understand the criticism and confusion. It does feel wildly inconsistent. Which is also why I wish they would've just retconned Tek6. Because as I've said many, many times - if Jin was brainwashed or not in control, it would be understandable why everyone is on his side again - because now Jin would be seen as a victim, too, in a way. And everyone would sympathize with him more.

YEAH YEAH!! Which is ANOTHER wild things by fans. Like I've pointed out before - there are so many fans who think Kazuya has done nothing wrong prior Tek7/8

THE ONLY THING KAZUYA IS WRONG FOR OUTSIDE OF BEING AN AWFUL PARENT IS BEING IN POSSESSION OF THE GENE. And this isn't even the only time I've seen this. I've seen this take multiple times. Like one time I saw ppl say that Kazuya is only seen as a bad guy because he opposes Jin and Heihachi??? Like PRIOR TEK6 - WHY DO YOU THINK JIN OPPOSED KAZUYA??? Like Jin wasn't a bad guy at ALL in Tek3-4. So why would he want to kill Kaz back then if there was no war?? Maybe it's the long list of crimes he did back in Tek2. Like for some reason people FORGET (or intentionally ignore) that world domination, or at the very least, ultimate power was always something Kazuya strived for. Like it's not something they started doing all of a sudden just to villainize him. He's always been villainized. Yeah, in Tek2 - they were emphasizing that there's still good in him, and he's constantly in a moral struggle. But in the end, he was still doing many crimes despite this internal struggle.

So, if you look at Tek2 and Tek8 Kazuya - you can feel their motives still line up, and they are practically the same characters. However, if you look at Tek4 Jin and Tek6 Jin - they have different personalities and their motives do not line up. I've already pointed out with screenshots how drastically different Tek6 Jin is from regular Jin.

[giantkillerjack]

So true! I think it's a fabulous takedown of white American Christianity tbh

Because it's not that Grace WAS a good devout Christian girl who THEN became a cruel power-hungry predator...

It's that Grace's absolute dedication to meeting her religious community's standards of being a good and devout Christian girl SET THE STAGE for her to become a monster the moment she got her hands on any amount of power.

She would have been just as dangerous if she had won the lotto or developed superpowers.

"Power doesn't corrupt, it reveals."

While I do personally believe power can also corrupt, I think about this quote all the time. It is from Robert Caro, a journalist and author who has written biographies of evil men - including the book that ruined the career of Robert Moses, whom you might recognize as the villain from Dimension 20's "Unsleeping City" season. He was a real guy! And the adventuring party that took him down IRL was Robert Caro! Pretty cool! But I digress:

The Lords in Black are NOT the ones who nurtured something cruel and fetid inside of Grace Chastity. The Lords didn't give her a sense of justice defined by condemning the wicked to eternal torment in Hell (God's own personal Bastard's Box).

No, it is her parents and the Church who made this young girl into a powder keg. The Lords in Black merely provided the lit match in this timeline.

The Lords do not see her as a person who has so far to fall from grace that it is a special challenge - they don't like to take on more trouble than they have to!

No no, they recognize that the Big Joke is that she's EASY to corrupt and brainwash because she has already been corrupted and brainwashed - and so all she needs is that little extra push and a lot of unchecked power...

... and then she can continue being as good a Christian as a girl who who has lost her virginity before marriage can be!

And she is NOT doing okay! She is nearly manic with the feeling that the loss of her chastity means she has lost her primary value as a person! It's a fucked-up thing to treasure most, but it was the thing she treasured most, and she lost it. (And it's not like she can seek support about this from the church and parents who taught her to value virginity more than other people's bodily autonomy.)

Angela's reading of "Who will pray for you when your body's gone?" is haunting because she is talking about herself as well as her victims. And this is hugely important because it is a stark reminder that, actually, the circumstances under which she gave up her virginity ARE in fact tragic and unfair. And we, the audience, don't get to just have a fun little High School Musical finale number under the comfortable assumption that Grace Chastity just needed to get fucked to be fixed!

It wasn't okay that she was faced with being responsible for the death of another friend or forcing herself to have sex. And even though by that point we are so fucking sick of her repressed bullshit that it feels like a victory for her to fuck Max (and the scene is undeniably hilariously performed), the show doesn't let us simply rest with that complacency. It's an S-tier writing choice.

This is also a similar reason to why I love the song "Dirty Dirty Girl" because it isn't just hilarious (it's so fucking funny), it also serves to humanize Grace. It emphasizes what a tragic character she is because it's clear that in a timeline where the Lords in Black didn't light the match, she might have one day no longer been a powder keg! I was once a young Christian girl ashamed of my adorably soft sexual fantasies! I recognize in that song that she is just a kid exploring who she is! I recognize in her dedication to speaking up and her willingness to sacrifice for her friends that she DOES want a better world! But I had the chance to grow into a healthier person! Grace loses her chance to grow healthily, and that's why she works so well as a tragic villain. There is real potential for goodness that is lost in her.

Grace's toxic upbringing is too powerful to be undone by one guilty pleasure experience. Which is why, even if Grace believes that her main value as a person is forfeit, the true horror of the ending is that she has decided that she can at least still do God's work by punishing the wicked, and thanks to her thirst for revenge and her toxic worldview in which she MUST be righteous, she sees no irony in becoming a sexual predator to do so! 🙃

"This is the consequence for what you've done!"

("The Darkness will spare my soul.")

Really thinking about the end of npmd & Grace’s bloodlust & hunger for power. We see both of these traits portrayed in nightmare time in both abstinence camp & perky’s buds, & I think it’s important to note that her true nature is revealed at the end of all of these shows. She has such a strong sense of moral superiority over others & feels the need to force others to conform to her beliefs. & I absolutely love how she fully embraces the new power at her disposal & relishes in the fear she incites & it’s such a juxtaposition to the perfectly innocent Christian girl she always tried to be. & I think that was the Lords in Black’s plan all along: to turn someone so devoted to God & all that is good & holy & sacred into a murderous, blood thirsty, self righteous martyr. It’s so tragically beautiful & poetic from a storytelling standpoint & I’m utterly obsessed. I love when the sacrificial lamb comes back wrong

[all-the-tyler-talk]

This feels like a pretty big misunderstanding of the point of the material to me tbh. The entire point of Clark is that he is constantly a subversion on powerful men. So, in real life, powerful men like Superman are generally speaking really dominant people who feel the need to inflict their power usually on weaker people. And typically men like that are extremely threatened by strong women and insist on being in power. Superman/Lois is a subversion on this. Clark/Superman is all powerful but he doesn’t feel the need to flex his power over others. He isn’t threatened by Lois being so strong. On the contrary, it actively turns him on. // I feel like I didn't express myself properly, because I understand what you mean and I wasn't trying to say that Superman needs any sort of flex to appear dominant. I know that Lois is a strong female with conviction and journalism is her arena. Maybe my comment was more geared towards how it's been portrayed. Like yes, Clark pretends to be goofy and even clumsy, but he's also supposed to be competent in the field as a journalist, so I think some of the mocking or the fact that Lois is the only one coming up with the moves (intellectually speaking I guess) doesn't seem like a team discussion to me?? Or that they are on the same level. That's why I think I said it comes off as "bossing him around". I'm talking about this show and not the comics or other representations of the couple. Like the scene that comes to mind right now is when they were waiting outside and Clark shows up with the smoothies and Lois is the one rushing him and telling him what to do and to follow them. Like he doesn't save people all the time and he can also can take initiative on his own? They were alone so he wasnt putting on a show for people. I could be obviously overthinking it but that's how I felt, I'm not trying to bash Clois or their dynamic as it's been for decades and I honestly love Tyler and Bitsie and the work they're doing 🤎🤎

-

[cigaretteparfum]

anyway, now that am already on supernatural's fifth (and last, for me) season, i have two thoughts about the ships:

i can see why wincest was the fandom's biggest ship. initially i just thought, "well it's a serialised monster-of-the-week typa show; these two characters are pretty much the only constant there is -- makes sense why people latch onto them and, for those that crave shipping material, the brothers are at the top of the list." but with the noticable repeated "they're gay" jokes within the show itself ... yeah i think there's a big other reason why wincest was/is a thing. (was this also another thing the showrunner/producers/writers were accused stringing fans along of? or was that just about destiel.)

speaking of destiel: yea i can get behind them sklfjs. my top pick for dean's ship is still the journalist ex-girlfriend back in racist town, lol. (cassie? i think her name was?) (yea just checked, got that right hell yea.) she was just in one single episode and apparently never showed up again through the entire series :( but damn if their chemistry wasn't so palpable. destiel feels more like a slow burn and hey -- i still can get behind it. then after castiel my third pick would be jo but honestly it's kinda whatever. (but he ended up with the lady with the kid doesn't he. awww. dang.)

shipping unrelated thoughts:

the casual racism is just. haha. lol. lmao. rofl, even. two of the first recurring antagonists were black, dark skinned men? lol. and then they died? aww. lol. and the wishing well episode with the supposedly chinese owner/employee? the second fucking episode of season one?? then the one about bugs, too? i know it's nearly two decades ago but. damn. still they had the audacity to make the vampires' storyline some allegory to racism. (which made the whole thing with gordon even more fucked up???) then several of the demons and a few other supernatural beings saying stuff like, "hey. um. i find that racist." the combination of these two things are. uh. kinda icky, to put it mildly. (am committed to finish s5 tho. lol.)

the monster-of-the-week formula (and am sure this has been said before) really became more of a hindrance and distraction than interest once the overarching plot was properly set up. in s3 it was fine; they're still kinda putting the pieces together and there's that whole thing about dean dying so these two plotlines make any detours feel a bit more of a break and not that noticable either. but in s4 when it's just about waiting the dominoes to fall and there wasn't really any other major plotlines -- it was very noticable. and jarring, tbh.

that whole adam stuff got me real invested ngl. a secret son?? john being a much better father???? YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. and then they'll just resurrect him. hm. well. lessee how that happen.

the "nod" to the fans wasn't really cute. imo.

anyway i'll pro'ly finish the fifth season this weekend. i thought about continuing bc, hey, just because kripke only planned five seasons doesn't mean all the seasons that follow would be bad, right? but then i read the wiki summary of all the other seasons and. uh. no. i think i'll pass. thanks, though.

[ofaphrcditearchive]

crowns task 6 // aileen o’conor

name: aileen ciara o’conor

place of birth / date of birth: 20th may 1985. aileen was born in dublin, ireland at the same hospital as all of her cousins, her big sister and her niece. naturally.

star sign: taurus

sexual orientation: heterosexual/romantic

relationship status: single, feels like she doesn’t have the time to start a relationship with work and aine.

religion: was christened catholic at home. she doesn’t follow it strictly but still finds comfort sometimes in prayer and goes home every easter/christmas etc to celebrate the holidays with her family.

spoken languages: speaks english and also knows gaelic conversationally but doesn’t really use it. also knows french and spanish and could probably get by in basic conversations.

lives: in primrose hill in a yellow terrace house with aine and her cat, named crumpet after aine’s favourite breakfast food.

drives: she got her license back in ireland when she was 17 before she left for uni and does own a secondhand jeep that she loves but hardly ever gets to drive it in london. mostly uses the tube to get around and to and from work. 

occupation: practising human rights law in a london firm near kings cross.

education: up to degree level. studied llb (hons) law (european and international) at sheffield where she also got her masters whilst working as a paralegal up there.

parents / brief family history: grew up in a very happy and close family. her parents owned the popular local so aileen and her sister kathleen grew up above a pub and they loved it. the regulars were also slipping the sisters packets of crisps or ‘tipping’ them a couple of euros to take their glasses to the bar. both the sisters had their first saturday jobs there of course. leaving her family to go to university in the uk was terrifying for aileen because she had to leave her family behind, and was especially difficult when her sister’s husband died and left her with a newborn baby. not long after, kathleen and aileen’s dad died in a car accident and it broke her heart. still, she took aine in and the family are gradually moving past this tragedy, though there will always be a hole.

tattoos/piercings: aileen only has one piercing on each lobe. has a four leaf clover tattooed on her ankle, also has sunflowers on her right side.

fashion sense: aileen likes to experiment with her fashion and actually does try to follow trends despite not having the time to go out and shop most of the time and when she does it’s always for aine. she’s a girly girl, loves a skater dress, lot’s of florals and pastel colours and has a guilty pleasure high heel collection. wears a lot of pencil skirts for work with cute frilly blouses. accessorises with scarves in her hair and owns a lot of jewellery, loves a chunky necklace and bangles. on the weekends she’s very bo-ho and does have three leather satchels that all pretty much look the exact same.

music: she’s an 80′s girl at heart okay. loved bowie and michael jackson, george michael (she loves wham pls), bon jovi, queen, journey, fleetwood mac, madonna. anything soft rock and she’s there. b*witched were her youth tbh and she met them once at home and freaked out like a fifteen year old. anyone irish and she’ll listen to them even if they’re shit. hates galway girl, thinks it’s the worst song she’s ever heard.

sleeping habits: aileen sleeps like the dead all the time. only wakes up when aine literally jumps on her back otherwise would sleep through the whole of sunday. she’s an old soul, so aileen is usually in bed by 9 and either stays up to read a book or watches trash tv, loves i’m a celeb and big brother especially, also a secret towie and made in chelsea addict. honestly as long as she has a cup of tea before bed then she’ll go out like a light pretty easy. has to get her eight hours or she’s proper moody.

eating habits: look she’s basically a football mum okay. so she does her best to make sure that her three year old niece gets all she needs. i’m talking five a day, no fizzy drinks in the house, only drinks water and milk but on the weekends she cracks and it’s dinosaur nuggets, potato waffles and beans because you can’t be good all the time. does her best to have three meals a day, always strives to have breakfast with aine and to get home in time to have dinner too since aine spends most of the day with a nanny she feels she owes it to her to be there for mealtimes. oh and she bakes, god does she BAKE.

social media: isn’t a huge social media person. she keeps facebook updated mostly for the sake of her mum, so she can see what her daughter and granddaughter are up to in england. does have instagram and it’s mostly cute pics of aine or inspirational quotes, or dorky selfies tbh. snapchat is an utter loss to her and she literally only uses twitter to keep up to date with news and pop culture. has tweeted a few times but she mostly retweets cat videos or chrissy teigen, and she loves baking twitter. 

hobbies: aileen loves to read, will literally read anything tbh but loves a good sappy romance novel because she’s still and always will be, a hopeless romantic. she loves to cook and on weekends aine is her little helper in the kitchen, where they make a ridiculous amount of cakes for two people to be able to finish. so aileen often has to bring in cakes to work which her office does not mind at all. still loves to sing, karaoke is her favourite thing ever though she misses dueting with kat. used to play piano, fiddle and the violin but doesn’t really have time for it now. loves going for a run round the park, recently joined a mummy and me class with aine at the local parish centre. still knits, because she’s a grandma.

cologne / perfume: PRADA CANDY EAU DE PARFUM. “to embody this explosive femininity, miuccia prada wanted an excessive fragrance with too much of everything. the Prada style oriental eau de parfum is a unique signature in keeping with the traditions of high perfumery, combining laotian benzoin, a synthetic caramel accord and a more neutral cocktail of musk.”

hogwarts house: obviously aileen is hufflepuff, there’s just no sidestepping it. she’s loyal and always works hard to get where she wants to be. doesn’t believe in having anything handed to you and things you need to earn it. she’s kind to a fault, has a heart of gold and she wears it proudly on her sleeve even if that gets her hurt more often than not. some might call her naive, but she’d argue she’s just optimistic. 

[femmesandhoney]

As my wonderful teachers taught me, the first thing I did after I clicked onto the article was click on the info for the writer himself. firstly, he's a they/them so you can imagine the bias he brings to this topic. secondly, i'm always reluctant to trust anyone who's credentials are in just journalism itself, no offence to journalists out there lmao. he doesn't have any background in any social sciences, such as psychology, nor does he seem to report on psych or socio related topics often, judging by his other publications. the actual curriculum of a grad in his program at NYU is all writing, investigation, etc. i'm not as trusting of a source written by someone outside of the field of psychology or sociology here, he's not an expert, but i did read a few of the expert opinions he spoke about and cited.

as someone else already stated, his definition of gender dysphoria is inaccurate, even a quick look at the APA definition would be a stronger start here lmao. he proves himself unfamiliar with the field of psychology already, and while no journalist needs to be an expert in all the topics they cover because that's impossible, it's eyebrow raising to see him fumble something so simple.

personally, i'm not knowledgeable enough about psychology either, but i would agree that ROGD being thrown around as a solid diagnosis is problematic. this entire article ignores, of course, that evidence supporting medical transition as beneficial for children barely exists either. just because some people mistakenly misunderstood Lisa Littman's work for something it wasn't, doesn't mean it automatically excuses the lack of empirical evidence for your own side.

secondly, he obviously frames the work done by Bailey and Diaz as ethically problematic and just says Bailey has "disputed" this. but if you read Bailey's article, he states the survey the data was pulled from made it very clear it would be used for data analysis and stated it plainly, that the article did pass the requirements for informed consent and the like. Broderick wants to obscure this of course for the quick glance reader of his article alone.

the rest of the arguments presented are just a bit stupid tbh. he's basically arguing for the side of "even though we don't have sufficient evidence to prove gender is even real (bc it's not) and that medical transition hasn't been proven to be good for kids, no one should be able to try and study transgender identity and its patterns in society if it goes against our dominant narrative". that's just a red flag from any scientific perspective. he really wants to break down the idea of ROGD as unstable and unsupported as not just a medical diagnosis (which can be a valid argument), but also as a general idea. i think studying the social contagion (as it obviously is) that is gender identity in our youth is totally researchable and a valid scientific question people should be allowed to study, there's so much obvious complex components interacting here, sociologists would have many interesting takes about this that a psychologist wouldn't (and he only really cites psychologists).

i was quite upset while reading this paragraph,

Littman suggests that female-assigned kids are more susceptible to the “social contagion” of gender dysphoria because they feel social pressure more acutely than male-assigned kids. But Ehrensaft says nothing in the clinical literature corroborates this assertion. Instead she attributes this discrepancy to shifting cultural factors that influence how children express themselves and explore their identity. In our culture, Ehrensaft says, “there’s a lot more gender stress for the boy in the tutu than the girl in the football uniform.”

Ehrensaft is a psychologist who also happens to be a member of the Adolescent Gender Center Clinic and writes intensely on trans children and transphobia and the like. it's quite concerning to hear her dismiss young girls struggles with female socialization, forced femininity, and literally being told to just get used to being seen as a future mother, wife, and sex object amongst a patriarchal and misogynistic society. i also dislike that the article frames Littman's statement as about gender stress, as Ehrensaft says, but actually Broderick is tricking you here to assume that by his structuring of the paragraph and the nature of the article itself. It reads to me that Littman believes girls feel the scrutiny of an immensely misogynistic society and the difficulty playing the correct "feminine" female role that can push them to distress, frustration, and probably anger, that then makes them susceptible to a social contagion, which in this case would be transgender identity (or pronoun havers). the way Broderick is stupidly or on purpose framing this to be as simple as "a boy in a tutu or a girl in a uniform" shows his hand, and lack of actual understanding of any social science. Ehrensaft is a fucking idiot, firstly i doubt that nothing could disprove that 1) the girls of this generation are more prone to depression, negative self perception, anxiety, and self-harming and ED behaviors, 2) the rollback of women's rights has put girls on edge for their futures, 3) girls are growing up in an immensely misogynistic world where young boys have access to porn and are acting out and assaulting their female classmates more and more. i think Broderick ignores the importance of socialization and in general the effects our current world are having on these girls that plausibly can affect their mental health enough to turn into gender dysphoria (which Broderick tries to claim isn't even a mental illness...so if it's not a mental illness, why would medical transition be necessary? just for the kick of it? bruh).

anyways i dislike Broderick, i really dislike Ehrensaft and her illusions of gender as more harmful to boys than girls, and while the article brings up some generally fine points to make, Broderick handles it in a way that leaves nothing open for scientific scrutiny and even seems to abhor scientific endeavors into transgender research. a very questionable thing to do for a man who writes about scientific fields for a living. any scientist worth their salt would support as much research into the field as possible in order to secure funding and understanding of the disorder to help people suffering from dysphoria. even if research shows dysphoria can act like a social contagion in some circles, wouldn't you still want to understand it? iffy stuff here gyns, never really trust articles written by non experts about expert topics, they're always bound to have shit like this in it.

What are Radblr's thoughts about this? I'm on my way to take a test when this article popped up on my screen, and I wanted to post this before I leave, especially given that this is published by Scientific America. However, Im personally skeptically that "social contagion" doesn't play a factor at all; I wouldn't doubt it plays into this even a little bit. I'm sure everyone knows about articles posted in favor of this fad from, like, two years ago from even big names like Mermaids, who have either been proved wrong or backtracked.

I have pasted the article below. There are links in the original article.

----------------

Health Care

Evidence Undermines ‘Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria’ Claims

Fears of “social contagion,” used to support anti-transgender legislation, are not supported by science

By Timmy Broderick on August 24, 2023

A recent study claiming to describe more than 1,600 possible cases of a “socially contagious syndrome” was retracted in June for failing to obtain ethics approval from an institutional review board. The survey examined “rapid-onset gender dysphoria,” a proposed condition that attributes adolescent gender distress to exposure to transgender people through friends or social media. The existence of such a syndrome has been the subject of intense debate for the past several years and has fueled arguments against transgender rights reforms, despite being widely criticized by medical experts.

The American Psychological Association and 61 other health care providers’ organizations signed a letter in 2021 denouncing the validity of rapid-onset gender dysphoria (ROGD) as a clinical diagnosis. And a steadily growing body of scientific evidence demonstrates that it does not reflect transgender adolescents’ experiences and that “social contagion” is not causing more young people to seek gender-affirming care. Still, the concept continues to be used to justify anti-trans legislation across the U.S.

“To even say it’s a hypothesis at this point, based on the paucity of research on this, I think is a real stretch,” says Eli Coleman, former president of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health. Coleman helped create the organization’s most recent standards of care for trans people, which endorse and explain the evidence for forms of gender-affirming care.

Many transgender people experience gender dysphoria, meaning that the gender that was assigned to them at birth and their gender identity don’t align, causing distress. ROGD was proposed as a gender dysphoria subtype in a 2018 paper by physician and researcher Lisa Littman, then at Brown University.* Littman’s survey asked parents of transgender adolescents—recruited predominantly from anti-transgender websites and forums—to describe their child’s “sudden or rapid onset of gender dysphoria” and to state if it coincided with increased social media usage or the child’s friends coming out as transgender.

Littman later issued a correction that updated the methodology, including a brief description of the websites and forums, and noted that ROGD is not a formal diagnosis. But the concept had already been taken upin books and podcasts—and by politicians—to promulgate the idea that peer pressure and social media are making kids transgender or that being transgender is a form of mental illness. As legislation targeting trans people has reached an all-time high in the U.S., ROGD’s alleged social contagion has been invoked by lawmakers in states such as Missouri, Utah and Arkansas to justify banning or restricting gender-affirming care for young people.

“This is just a fear-based concept that is not supported by studies,” says Marci Bowers, president of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health. The term ROGD is being used to “scare people or to scare legislators into voting for some of these restrictive policies that take away options for young people. It’s cruel, cruel legislation.”

Like the 2018 study that coined the term rapid-onset gender dysphoria, the recently retracted paper, which was published this March in Archives of Sexual Behavior, surveyed parents of transgender children about their children’s experiences. The study was co-authored by Michael Bailey, a psychologist at Northwestern University, and Suzanna Diaz, a pseudonym used by a mother of a child with gender dysphoria. Diaz is not affiliated with an institution and had already collected the survey data before collaborating with Bailey on the paper. The study was retracted because Diaz and Bailey did not get consent from the survey’s respondents to have their responses published, although Bailey disputes this. (Bailey declined to answer questions about the retraction from Scientific American.)

The participants in both the 2018 and the retracted 2023 studies were recruited from online communities that were explicitly critical about many aspects of gender-affirming care for transgender kids. Littman’s research was inspired in part by parents’ posts on these skeptical websites.

In response to criticisms that recruiting parents from anti-transgender websites may have biased the results, Littman says, “I reject the premise that parents who believe transition will harm their children are more likely to discredit their kids’ experiences than parents who believe that transition will help their children.”

Most experts cite the survey of parents rather than transgender children themselves as another major flaw in the methodology of both studies.

Diane Ehrensaft, director of mental health at the University of California, San Francisco, Child and Adolescent Gender Center, concurs. “To talk about what children are thinking, feeling and doing, particularly as they get old enough to have their own minds and narratives, you need to interview them,” she says.

Parents can often be the last to know about their child’s gender identity, Ehrensaft says. Coming out can be terrifying for many transgender kids. Family members often respond with violence or distrust or may even kick the child out of the house. Almost 40 percent of transgender youth experience homelessness or housing instability, according to a 2022 report from the Trevor Project, a nonprofit that provides crisis support for young LGBTQ+ people. Many kids who wait to discuss their gender identity with their parents before appearing to “suddenly” come out are simply keeping themselves safe, Ehrensaft says.

“It is not rapid-onset gender dysphoria,” she says. “It’s rapid-onset parental discovery.”

Many experts have also questioned what length of time qualifies as a “sudden” experience of gender dysphoria. Both the 2018 and 2023 studies left the definition up for parental interpretation. Complicating this, there isn’t one pathway or time line for being transgender, says Tey Meadow, a Columbia University sociologist who studies sexuality and gender. “For some people, it can evolve slowly. For others, it can evolve quickly,” she says.

For most transgender youth seeking gender-affirming care, considerable time elapses between when they realize they may be transgender and when they receive such care. A recent analysis of 10 Canadian medical centers in the Journal of Pediatrics found that 98.3 percent of young people seeking gender-affirming care had realized more than a year prior that they may have been transgender. “If ROGD were a real thing, we would expect to see two discernible streams of patients coming in [to receive care],” says Greta Bauer, a co-author of the study and director of the Eli Coleman Institute for Sexual and Gender Health at the University of Minnesota Medical School. There would be a distinct group of adolescents with more recent knowledge about their gender identity going to clinics and another group that had had such knowledge for years. “But we didn’t see that,” she says.

Thomas Steensma, a psychologist at Amsterdam University Medical Centers who provides gender-affirming therapy, says he has not seen evidence of the “social contagion” component of ROGD, and he cautions against even using these terms. “Rapid means out of control, and contagion signals a warning, and that warning induces fear,” he says. “There’s no evidence that certain developmental pathways are more problematic or less beneficial or helpful than others” for a child’s gender identity.

Steensma reports that he sees two “peaks” of referrals in his clinic: young adolescents and 15-year-olds. In a 2020 study Steensma and his colleagues looked at adolescent referrals from 2000 to 2016 and found no measurable difference in the psychological functioning or the intensity of the gender dysphoria between more recent referrals and those who came to the clinic starting in 2000. If adolescents are presenting with a different form of gender dysphoria, Steensma has not seen it.

The researchers did observe a change in their referral population in recent years, however. More kids assigned female at birth have been transitioning in recent years than those assigned male at birth. Many studies have captured this difference—including the 2018 survey proposing ROGD—but experts are unsure of its cause. Littman suggests that female-assigned kids are more susceptible to the “social contagion” of gender dysphoria because they feel social pressure more acutely than male-assigned kids. But Ehrensaft says nothing in the clinical literature corroborates this assertion. Instead she attributes this discrepancy to shifting cultural factors that influence how children express themselves and explore their identity. In our culture, Ehrensaft says, “there’s a lot more gender stress for the boy in the tutu than the girl in the football uniform.”

Other forms of gender incongruence, such as identifying as nonbinary or gender nonconforming, further challenge the idea that children should be forced to abide by traditional gender categories. And the best way to understand what kids are experiencing is to ask them questions and listen to their answers, Ehrensaft says.

“In some ways, [kids] are far more advanced than I am, as somebody in my 70s, about how they live and understand gender,” Ehrensaft adds. “So if we want to really understand gender, turn to the experts—and that would be the youth themselves.”

*Editor’s Note (8/24/23): This sentence was edited after posting to correct Lisa Littman’s occupation and her affiliation at the time of her 2018 paper.

[possession1981fan]

I used to be apart of the transfem group at the gay center for a few years but this one girl kinda ruined it.

My first year on estrogen the group was really nice and pretty vital to the beginning of my transition. Of course I fell off after awhile I was concentrating on my music career (and I was also fucking a few people consistently tbh). After a year and a half of not going I decided to pop in and it didn't go great. Don't get me wrong the meeting itself was really nice, I mean granted yea they replaced one of the group facilitators but I didn't bat an eye at it I had a good time. The group was talking about harassment from transphobes so I had alot to talk about. Not only was I once again the only black trans woman there but also I was relating alot to the new Latino girl who was facilitating. She was a Puerto Rican girl from the Bronx, my girlfriend was like that too so ig I had a soft spot for her. I don't remember her name but let's just call her Magda. Erica (the other facilitator) ended the group early, so I decided to talk to Magda on the way out and we stopped for a smoke with this yt girl Sadie. Magda and Sadie where both talking about there misgivings with group. Apparently according to Magda the vetting process was really bad. The stuff they allowed from group was kinda ridiculous. They couldn't tell the difference between a boymoder and a horny chaser just trying to watch hot trannies talk and lament about there lives, they allowed two cis women in one time and all they did was write in note books the whole time (they where probably journalist), and also there was this girl in the group with it/it's pronouns and - wait a minute. I told Magda to stop complaining. It wasn't as if she didn't have some valid points but I told her that I use it/it's pronouns and we'd been getting along fine before she brought that up. I wasn't angry or anything I just kind wanted to understand where Magda was coming from (and so did Sadie who was kinda in the middle of all this). Magda told me this "you can't use it/it's pronouns because that's teaching cis people to call trans woman am it which is dehumanizing. Your asking normal people to dehumanize all trans women because you wanna be different and that's not ok". I told her she was being alittle ridiculous I said "look babes first, I never ask cis people to call me "it" for me personally that pronoun is an option I put out there for trans people and some enbies. Secondly, I'm not just a black trans woman I'm also genderqueer so I'm not just some simple binary bitch like the rest of y'all hoes sorry. I'm not asking cis people to dehumanize trans people due to my pronouns trans women aren't a monolith and the way I express my femininity isnt gonna be the same as every other woman I meet". What I said really resonated with Sasha and Magda was being pretty receptive because we where all smoking weed together. Personally I enjoyed the conversation but then Sasha asked me what femininity means to me so I answered honestly "femininity is a trap. Much like masculinity its a performance that every woman keeps acting out for a captive audience. I'm so much more than my femininity and honestly I wish I didn't have to be stifled by being a woman, but I understood very early on that although I'm not just a trans woman life is alot safer if a pretend like I am. I wanna trick people into thinking I'm a woman long enough that I can live my life peacefully and have my fun as silly as that may sound". Sasha and Magda paused and gave me a look and then Sasha said "Lua I'm sorry but the way your femininity scares the shit outta me". I thought that was fair I laughed and told them they every woman is different and that I was headed to the bar. We parted ways and I never saw Magda again. I really appreciated Magda. although she was a transmed and straight she was also totally herself she was angry and confident. I feel like me and her had alot in common and if I grew up in the Bronx away from all the Bushwick trannies I would've probably looked and thought the same way.

I was told that the next meeting Magda had a meltdown that was so bad they disbanded group. Apparently after our conversation she finally grew the confidence to confront the it/it's pronouns girl and yelled at everyone in group for "not trying hard enough" and "being men". It kinda broke my heart I tried to salvage group and get them somewhere else so they could keep meeting but I think all the yt girls really underestimated how many resources I had and didn't talk to me. They fired the main facilitator that appointed Magda. I dont think Magda faced any consequences. Idk I just find it odd how trandmedicalist ideologies is nothing more than a snake eating it's own tail. Oh well....

[skellybonesandtrees]

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.)

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

I can't think of any particular relationship an individual changed my mind about. But if we go with tumblr. Tumblr definitely made me get into the Eric/Sookie camp, at the time I didn't know about the books and didn't know all of the canon involved. At the end of the day I didn't exactly like their canon in either media form. But they had chemistry. I like me a tol and smol pair. I'm easy.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

Brienne+Jamie. While I understood the appeal and the ship didn't bother me and the fandom excitement for it was cute, personally I just never liked Jamie and I wasn't shocked when he turned around to be incesty with his sister in the end tbh. I thought that, as far as Game of Thrones went, it made complete sense for a redemption arc to fail. Because Game of Thrones is too real.

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

Steve and Nancy from Stranger Things. I say I wish I liked it because it sounds like they're going there again. Nancy seems too grown up for either boy she's been with to be honest. Not saying Jonathan is immature but his priorities are very particular right now. Steve has grown up but I still don't see him as a good pair for Nancy. I feel like Nancy is a one woman show, she just doesn't know it yet. Career journalist moving to the big city and going through dudes in her spare time but not settling down coz she has stuff to do. That's her in my head. Romance isn't everything. But who am I kidding, this is TV, of course there's going to be romance.

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

Probably Harry Potter. I was there from book 1 through 7 and then the 7th movie part 2. Then the excitement fizzled out and JKR turned out fo be a TERF and there's nothing there I want anymore. Shrug.

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

Tumblr made me drop Bates Motel like a hot potato because the Norma+Norman shipping going on really weirded me out and turned me off from the entire show. Shame too, Vera Farmiga was amazing in it.

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Presently Yennefer of Vengerberg in The Witcher, although they are already watering her down in writing. She's still my favorite unapologetic woman who I wish was more the norm in fiction than the exception.

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

Felix Dawkins from Orphan Black.

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

More women putting themselves first, in any fandom. Better wigs for everyone - srsly what the hell is happening? More consistent writing.

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

Alanis Morisette's Uninvited...for Nancy, lol. My headcanon Nancy anyway. ;)

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.

I mean...all of them? I leave all of them enventually. Whether because the show/trilogy/book series ends or because my enthusiasm for it died. I talk about it obsessively until I'm done. I might reblog something randomly from something I used to be obssessed about but it's never the same.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

Love triangles.

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go!

Modern fandoms are too full of entitlement these days. Too full of problematizing completely normal things as a way to reject plotlines you want gone. In the early internet we had to walk 500 miles in the snow to...I kid. Look...it was just better in the early 2000s.

[zumpietoo]

Snorty Trying to Push her Fanfic...

A) no, it's the opportunity to dabble in another genre and will be Jug's anthology/coma dreem

B) No, Slizzy has always feared becoming her FATHER and being a Cereal Killah.....she certainly isn't Alice in the Vale....and she lost her way from "the light" the day she cheated on Jug.....she spent the entirety of season 5 being a jackbooted thug. She never feared becoming Alice.....

Ummm....no, the first part is fandumb (tho it's certainly not something he sought to emulate, originally, but it was hardly his greatest fear).....if anything, he's long, comfortably followed in FP's footsteps in other ways. Because he loves his dad. I'm sorry for your ass that you can't see that.

How is Jug remotely "trapped" in a relationship he's willingly chosen to enter, with no ring or children, only their mutual love to bind them?

Tabitha understands Jug incredibly well----that's always been the entire fucking point here.....and why she's good for him and has helped him, etc....

SHE'S the one who helped him heal and he is writing.....it's what this is about! Plus he's also now teaching and a journalist, soooo.....nope!

(and we're shown the express opposite in the Vale)

No and LBR, she's been that since mid high school. She "engaged in shady business practices" loonnnngggg before. She and Ragey at least have shit in common. She didn't give up Douchie for Ragey, she dumped Douchie cuz it offered her nothing....and she recognized that wasn't the life she wanted.

If anything, I'd peg her feelings to be deeper for Ragey----or even Chaddiekins. She and Douchie truly have nothing in common and neither has ever been capable of loving anybody.

No, he always feared not getting to play football AND gueetarrr!!!

Oh and he wanted to get away. TBH, I don't think Douchie has enough depth to form "always feared", other than he'll never take a decent poop again. And that's been the case for years!

She hit that years ago----it's who she is.....if anything, she, deep down, fears never moving past her brother's deth. And it seems that's always gonna be the case, as well.

Her cult's done for the moment (and she fuckin' loved it), she had, again, seven years to reconcile with Tinkle after she CHOSE to dump her and, if I'm given to understand, she's actually pretty stoked about where shit's at.

There's none of that, it was happening all season five, much of it addressed and, honestly? You clearly don't watch the show.

But will you finally realice you're a pompous moron, inevitably and invariably wrong and fuck off? We can only hope

[okjimin]

i told myself i wouldn't bother people on anon anymore but i need to vent if that's okay? my parents were watching tv and my mom said something, which without full context it's hard to understand so i'll basically say that she said something he wasn't satisfied with and started talking down to her, like hinting she was hypocritical because some journalist had said something before, (mind you, she was talking about a union man who makes deal with the government to fuck workers over)

and said journalist said something rly insensitive about a person with cancer, which idek how tf one has to do with the other, but either way he used that to basically imply she was being a hypocrite, and i was sitting there like?? why u talking to her like that, and he does it ALL the time and she never tells him to fuck off she gives him so many explanations for what? he will still talk to her like that, so i jumped into the conversation to make him see that her saying what she said had no

correlation bc a she's not a famous journalist, and b she's not actually making a public statement so his argument makes no sense?! and obvs he went on to say that i'm very rude because no one invited me into the conversation and i said he barges in on other ppls conversations all the time, he's the one being a hypocrite now, and ofc he denied it and my mother said NOTHING. i dont even know why i bother defending her anymore she's like this all the time, ill stand up for her and she wont say

a word and let ME be slandered now even though i did it to defend her but its literally so frustrating because im supposed to sit there and listen to her being humiliated by a stubborn arrogant man, and then im the one facing the consequences of standing up for my own mother while she says NOTHING. idek why i bother but it literally makes me so mad. and ofc she afterwards talked to him and he ignored her bc he was so mad that i shut him down, walking away in silence like someone had done

something unforgivable to him, walking around with the shittiest face which is such an example of his signature passive agressiveness and ugh, i always say i hate men and i swear to god, my father is a the very top of that list. why are men trash. anyway im sorry i just needed to get that off my chest and i saw you were answering questions i didnt mean to bother you 😪😪😪

hello!! ur not bothering me at all im so glad you feel like u can vent to me! also im soo sorry this took so long to reply to, ive been super busy with uni work and ive barely had time to be on here and i wanted to take the time to answer this properly!! anyway i cant sort of relate tbh bc growing up my dad was such a dick to my mam, like he was so argumentative and just talked to her like shit and its so awful to see it happening bc u feel so powerless...but idk, maybe try talking to your mum about it and tell her how you feel? and explain that you feel frustrated by the whole thing and see what she has to say..its always best to be honest about how u feel especially when something is bothering you! and im rly sorry u have to live in a situation like this, like i said i grew up in a very similar environment and it sucks lmao :( men rly aint shit tbh and i truly hope things get sorted for you and your mum !!