#because i know i wont be able to stay motivated to post regularly

[drspencerweed]

IM SO EXCITED FOR THAT SNIPPET ! request 4 is an all caps level of excitement

thank you! just for you and because im a slut for praise here’s another snippet! 

this one is from a little further into the story, and tw for mentions of kidnapping

He chuckled as he looked at the book in his hand. “It’s a classic. And I can’t only read books you like.” 

I rolled my eyes and smiled. “I’m sorry I can’t read the books you like.” 

He just smirked. “I mean if you ever wanted to learn Russian...” 

“I’m crap at languages, you know this. But maybe someday I’ll read it in English.” I turned to go back to my reading, but he put his book down on the bed and turned to face me more fully. Letting my eyes meet his, I put my book down to give him my attention again. “What?” 

He sighed and looked down at the duvet, picking at a thread. “I just- well, I was thinking a lot today about what you said last night. About the last time you were caught by an UnSub.” My breath caught in my chest, mind racing with ideas of where he could be going with this. “And I guess, I just wanted to ask how you’re doing. And apologize for not asking sooner.” 

I looked in his eyes, and saw how concerned and sincere he was. Something in my walls cracked. The way he looked at me was so similar to how he looked at me outside this room, when we were pretending to be in love. The lines were so blurred, I had to stop myself from leaning in and kissing him in response. My eyes filled with tears before I could stop it, and I quickly looked away but I knew he had already seen. 

“I-I’m fine.” I choked out. Spencer reached a hand and grasped my own. 

“It’s okay if you’re not.” 

My eyes were glued to where our hands were linked together, tears filling them again as his thumb stroked the back of my hand. The fears about getting kidnapped had certainly been lingering in my mind, even if I had distracted myself with being heartbroken. “Sometimes I think about what it was like, being there. I used to think I understood the victims. Now I- Now I know what it was like. And I wasn’t even- it wasn’t even that long.” I confessed, laughing a little at the end. Spencer squeezed my hand, and I looked up to him. A tear or two escaped as I blinked. 

“Please don’t discredit what you went through like that. Any second being kidnapped is too long,” he stated seriously. I clenched my teeth in an effort not to cry. His other hand reached up and swiped away a tear with his thumb. “If you need to abort this mission, we can.” 

I shook my head immediately. “He’s listening to us already. If we abort, he’ll go into hiding. And I won’t let him get away.” 

Spencer sighed as he dropped his hand from my cheek, bringing it to hold my own in both of his. “Hotch should never have asked you to do this so soon. I could’ve done this with Emily, or JJ-“ 

“No!” I exclaimed, the thought of him spending a week kissing and loving someone else struck me to my core. But my quick and visceral reaction did not go unnoticed by Spencer. He quirked an eyebrow at me. Shaking my head, I pressed on with a fake excuse. “I don’t want anyone thinking I’m incapable. If Hotch thinks I’m the best person for the job then I’m the best person for the job.” 

Spencer nodded. I blinked back more tears, trying not to break down farther than I had already. I rarely let myself cry in front of other people, and especially not Spencer. Now I had cried in front of two different people within a week. What was happening to me? 

The tears started falling faster, my brain racing as I imagined being back in that cold basement. Not thinking about it only ever lasted for so long. In an instant I was back there; the cold metal of a gun pressed into the back of my neck, the harsh feeling of the wooden chair underneath me, the mildewy scent, the sound of water dripping every few seconds. If I closed my eyes I was under the harsh red light, penning my letter. “Sometimes I just wish I could forget.” I whispered, letting the tears take over me and ripping my hand away from Spencer’s grip to cover my face. 

My knees came up against my chest as I wracked with sobs. Memories flashed through my mind, the moments before I was attacked from behind, the moment I woke up. The worst memories were of his voice. He had taunted me, poked me with the gun while I scratched out my last words. I could still hear him whisper “Spence? Is that your boyfriend? Bet he’s missing you real bad right now.” He would sing the last line, taunting me. “He’s never gonna find you.”

I began shaking my head back and forth, trying to get his voice out of my ears. Before the panic could fully set in, Spencer’s arms wrapped around my body, pulling me closer to him. “Hey, hey. You’re alright. You’re safe. Take a deep breath, count with me. In two three four, out two three four.” He whispered in my ear, his voice replacing the horrible one running through my head. 

The feeling of his arms wrapped around me reminded me of the best moment that day, the moment I was saved. He had been the first one in the room. When I heard them break into the house, I folded my letter quickly and stuffed it down my shirt while the UnSub panicked. Spencer burst through the door a few seconds later, and I wept at the sight of him. After a confrontation, Morgan shot the UnSub and Spencer rushed to me, quickly untying me and gathering me into his arms. He had whispered those same words to me, “You’re alright, you’re safe.”

[prince-ratjaw]

stupid asshole complains

hey guys. im feeling pretty fuckin shitty rn and i opened tumblr bc idk maybe making a post about how im feeling will help? 

ive been on summer break and also taking two online summer classes. im having a lot of trouble staying on top of them because of weird due dates and not being able to see assignments in advance. because of this, ive missed a few assignments in each class so far. these classes are short and compressed and i really dont have the slack to be missing assignments. im stressed about them and so i avoid checking everyday to see when things are due, making me miss more.

i was going to the gym and that and seeing my boyfriend are really the only things keeping me afloat. ive been skipping the gym for maybe a week and a half now? and my boyfriend works in the evenings, when i get most anxious, so i dont have him to talk to. my sleep schedule is fucked and i keep sleeping the day away, which makes me very anxious and stressed. 

i havent been telling my psychiatrist whats been wrong,, i just shut down when i go to see her, which wastes time and money and makes me feel guilty and worse. im barely talking to anyone besides my boyfriend. the only other person i see regularly is my mom and we’ve been avoiding each other and idk how to ask for help. ive been cooped up in my room a lot. i dont go outside unless im with someone.

most days i just feel depressed and anxious. ive stopped opening the blinds daily for my plants. i either eat too much or not at all. ive stopped taking my mood stabilizers and i likely wont take them, even though they might help. ive stopped caring for myself unless pushed by my boyfriend.

i just feel very lonely and trapped. im having trouble seeing a future where things get better. i feel inadequate and stupid a lot. i couldnt pass my math class. im not losing weight. i hate my body. 

i dont have any income and im worried ill never find a job and wont graduate college (as it stands, i dont have enough to graduate the school i plan to transfer to). the one college that i can afford and that has my desired degree hasnt accepted me yet and im worried they never will. its also 2.5 hrs away which would mean i wouldnt be near my boyfriend for an entire semester and im terrified about that (at least i have a friend at that college who i might be able to stay with). ive lost my motivation for school because of the two failed math classes, these summer classes, and the fact that i have to take filler, useless classes in the fall. im only looking forward to one art class and the classes at the transfer school (if that even works out. which, if it doesnt, i have no back up plan). im worried these summer classes are going to drop my gpa and ill be kicked out of honors, the only thing i have going for me right now.

i havent been selfharming which i guess is good. ive been suicidal but vaguely. ive been crying a lot recently. ive been thinking a lot about travel, i had a dream last night that i lived in a new house in a different country. i guess i just want to get away.

i dont know what my future looks like. im scared and sad and i dont know what to do. its not as easy as just asking for help.

i feel like everythings just sort of.. slipping away from my grasp. i dont want to fall through the cracks. someone please help me.