#because i feel like i value our friendship so much and it doesnt feel reciprocated

[evature]

just got backseated by a close friend

[jess-oh]

day 3

hi journal.

im going to write today's entry as a letter to sophie. im a maid of honor for her wedding but after talking to jeanne today, i do really feel a lot more at peace having a straight convo with her. below is what i currently plan to say as it's been getting harder and harder to keep this "secret covered."

dear sophie,

hey girl! so, i want to preface this by saying youre allowed to react or decide to demote me or anything you want to do. that's your perogative.

um, i feel that we haven't been as close lately and a bit like we've been outgrowing each other for some time. i still value you a lot as a friend and enjoy talking about all our shared interests but ive been realizing that that isnt enough to fulfill me anymore. i think a part of me had always hoped or believed that if we just spend enough time together or being friends, our friendship would naturally deepen and we'd be able to get to a point where we're more freely vulnerable with one another and while we've had moments, that overall just never really happened. which is okay and i respect your boundaries and everything. im just realizing it's something that i really crave. and because of that, i dont feel as inclined to invest as much into our friendship anymore. im still totally cool hanging out and playing games every so often when possible but i think i need to find and cultivate a friendship that can fulfill me in this way.

i feel like thats a pretty good point to end on and allow her to respond. and if she responds asking why she cant just play that role for me and tries to point out how she already has, then i'd say:

i started thinking more seriously about this over the past month. i think the idea has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while but i never knew what words to put to my thoughts until more recently. but i feel that our hangouts were more mutual at one point but for a long time now, it feels as though i've been initiating our hangouts a lot more than you do. in general, i feel as though i reach out to you to check in and ask how youre doing and offer support and dont feel that reciprocated as much. i just feel like a back-up friend in your life and not actually very prioritized. like, if theres a last minute event, im a good person to ask to join. but to actually just hangout with, it doesnt really feel like a time is being allotted to spend with me. im the eternal +1 but not the actual invited 1.

im okay hanging out at your place and i started initiating for that a lot because youre such a homebody and i just chalked it up to if i want to hangout with sophie, it has to be at her home bc she wont have the energy to trek it over to me. but honestly, it does actually bother me that we rarely ever hangout at my place. it feels like im constantly making the trek to you but the effort isnt reciprocated. and i get some weeks are harder than others and you just really dont have the energy to travel and i get it. but we really only ever go to my place for our friendiversaries and thats kind of it.

i dont want our friendship to just depend on me.

in general, ive noticed a pattern over time and i just dont feel supported in the way i need by you many times. im okay volunteering information about my life sometimes but not all the time. the burden then always weighs on me. i just wanted to be asked how im doing. which you do do at times and i appreciate it every time. but, idk. it always feels a little... awkward? tense? weird? like even when i share honestly and vulnerably whats going on in my head at the given time, it doesnt feel like you actually really care. theres such minimal follow up in both in the moment and after the fact. no questions asking for more details or how to help me feel supported or check-ins on updates on the situation weeks later. it feels like you grabbed onto my sister's frustration over her trash bf and thats it.

and ive come to terms with the fact that maybe this is just your personality and thats fine. if you arent really the type to ask follow up questions or check in over time, thats perfectly okay! it's just, i think i need that in my life with someone i dedicate so much time and energy to.

again, im more than happy to continue to be your friend but maybe not "best friends"? we just arent that close anymore and i dont really see that changing anytime soon. im happy to still be a part of your wedding, if youll have me, but i also understand if this changes things.

i hope youre able to receive my intentions well.

thank you for listening and im sorry for everything.

jess oh