#because i asked mom and all she could say was

[lady0mandy]

TL;DR: Fatshaming did not motivate me to lose weight, it programmed me to always hate my body, no matter the size.

Just wanted to weigh in with my personal experience with this matter. I was fat shamed, primarily by my mother, from the time I hit puberty. I was borderline underweight at this time, but my mother would still get on me about losing weight so I didn't get "bloatus of the toadus" or whatever the fuck she used to call it. In highschool it got a lot worse, with her criticizing my stomach every time she saw it and openly making comments about my body around family, friends, etc. I stopped letting her visit the doctor with me because I didn't want to hear her giving me shit every time they weighed me. She even asked the photographer who took my senior photos to edit them to make me skinnier (he was very uncomfortable and luckily did not do that). I repeatedly tried to explain to her why this behavior is inappropriate, and I would always get the same responses: "I'm just worrying about you" "I just care about you" "I just want you to be healthy" etc.

When I was 19 I broke my spine. As a result I put on about 15-20lbs and let me tell ya, all hell broke loose. The guy I was seeing at the time was fatphobic and would fatshame me on a daily basis while also trying to control what I ate and what I did in my spare time. I repeatedly tried to explain to him why what he was doing was hurting me, and all he could say was "it hurts because it is true" Eventually I had enough and kicked him to the curb. I remember trying to confide in my family about his cruel behavior and each time my mom couldn't help but chime in "he's right, you know!".

Do you know what over a decade of fatshaming did for me? Well, first of all it gave me a pretty messy eating disorder. Some days I wouldn't eat anything. Some days I would eat everything. Some days I would purge until nothing was left. However, it wasn't until I developed thyroid cancer that I saw a genuine change in my weight. I put on 50lbs fairly quickly and it had a detrimental impact on my self esteem. My entire life I had been told my worth was dependent on how skinny I was, and now I was rapidly gaining weight. I started hearing the same things my mother and ex used to tell me, but from a lot of other people as well. I quit making my silly little tiktoks and sharing my silly little opinions on the Internet because I couldn't handle the waves of trolls coming at me for my weight. I quit wearing makeup because I felt that I didn't deserve it. I quit dressing up because I felt I didn't deserve it. I couldn't look at photos of myself without wanting to cry. I couldn't eat a meal without feeling guilt and shame. I didn't feel motivated by their cruelty, I felt defeated. I felt helpless. I felt like a disgusting waste of space that didn't deserve to live.

I have made some major improvements over the past year or so. I have been working with a therapist on the ED for a couple years now and this past year I have done really well. I still have days where I don't eat, but I can't remember the last time I purged or over ate. I got my thyroid out, and my weight is returning to where it was. People have been complimenting me, telling me how great I look, how noticeable it is, how hard I must be working, etc and instead of making me feel happy or proud it just makes me feel like shit. I still hate who I see in the mirror. I still hate my stomach and my chin and the fat around my arms. I bought some new makeup and I'm trying to put more effort into my appearance, but all I see in the mirror is a clown. Fatshaming did not motivate me to lose weight, it programmed me to always hate my body, no matter the size.

Anyways, I doubt anybody is going to read all this but it felt good to type it out. Don't fatshame. It never helps.

The number of times I've earnestly seen the take "but it's good for fat people to be mean to them! It motivates them to lose weight!"

Also whenever you provide even light pushback that maybe bullying people does not magically make them skinny but instead makes them depressed, they immediately demand scientific sources as if "bullying fat people is good for them" is scientific concensus and you therefore owe them a peer reviewed paper.

No babe I'm so sorry you're not actually doing people a service by being an asshole to them you just want an acceptable target and have decided that fat people are one. You don't get to be a bad person until you've produced 3 peer reviewed meta analyses that being a dick to random fat people improves their health, OK? I'm sure people will thank you for your invaluable service of being an asshole.

[the-boy-meets-evil]

lost in the west | kmg

(where your best friend pretends to be your boyfriend for the holidays so you can avoid more nagging from your mother. except your whole family thought you were already dating)

pairing: mingyu x f!reader genre: fake dating (kind of), friends to lovers, holiday!au | fluff, smut, romance rating: explicit, minors do not interact word count: 18.1k warnings: eating, drinking, mentions of christmas and holiday celebrations, reference to mingyu being afraid of heights, some minor family dynamic issues, so much kissing, fingering, big dick!mingyu, sex (just plain old missionary), i think that's it

author's note: thank you to the amazing @camandemstudios studios for hosting the winter with you collab! it's been so fun to be part of (even if i forgot for a second that i had to include sunrise sledding, but we're ignoring that). i'm sorry this is a little late as a holiday fic but sometimes life happens and inspiration just doesn't want to strike. i'm not even going to say it's longer than i intended because that's just my brand atp. this is largely unedited.

author's note 2: i think there's going to be an epilogue but idk when that will be possible

tag list: @vitaminkyeom, @tinyelfperson, @dokyeomkyeom, @miriamxsworld, @hongrizon, @klecksstorys, @gyuminusone, @aaniag, @straykidswhoo789, @kimseokgen, @haolistic, @vanishingboots, @babybae-shisui, @harry-the-pottypus, @pyeonghongrie, @nuttywastelandmentality, @writingbarnes, @tomodachiii, @gyuhao365, @jjin-kun, @divinityyy, @dibidibidismynameisleeknow, @tinkerbell460, @aidanjoon, @cookiearmy, @kaepjjangiya (join my taglist here)

“You’re bringing your boyfriend back with you, aren’t you?” your mom asks, which makes you look sharply toward the phone. It’s on speaker because you’re in the middle of folding laundry. Your best friend also looks over towards your phone with a grimace, which makes you wish it wasn’t on speaker.

The thing is…you haven’t told your mom that your ex and you broke up about two months ago. Didn’t want to deal with all the sighing and interrogation while you’re rushing to finish end of the year deadlines at work. Somehow, you know it’ll be your fault. Never mind the fact that he cheated on you in your own apartment. But, that’s another story. Your mother will say something about how you shouldn’t be so picky and everyone makes mistakes. Say that sometimes it’s not your most attractive trait that you’re dedicated to your job. Say that you’re not getting any younger and remind you how many of your friends from school are already married or even having kids of their own. That’s one reminder you don’t really need. You see it every time you aimlessly scroll through your feed. Or when you open the mail and see another wedding invitation. 

You sigh. “Well, actually…” 

“Oh, don’t tell me,” your mother says with her own sigh. “You broke it off with this one, too?” 

“I’m not going to get into it with you,” you say, gentle but firm. 

“I don’t understand what could have made you break it off. You said he was like your best friend,” she reminds you. 

This earns an eye roll from one of your actual best friends, Mingyu. He takes over folding your clothes for you as something to do and as a way to speed up the whole process. 

“Well, he’s not and I don’t see any reality where I will forgive him for what he did to me. So, let’s move on,” you say. 

“Maybe that’s okay. You know, one of my friends has a son who’s single and I could just…” she starts.

“No, absolutely not,” you say. This causes Mingyu to stifle his laughter with a hand.

“I don’t understand what the harm in meeting him is. He seems very nice and you’re not exactly getting any younger,” she says. 

There it is. The conversation always somehow ends up at the same point. You’re not getting any younger. All your parents’ friends have been planning weddings and getting grandchildren. They all seem to understand the importance of building a family. Why do you have to be so focused on what’s wrong with every person you date? Why are you too wrapped up in work? Your parents constantly remind you how you seem too wrapped up in the city life to realize what you’re missing.

“I just don’t think…” you start but then trail off when Mingyu starts waving at you to get your attention. He’s pointing at himself and mouthing something you can’t understand.

“I know you don’t think, but just…” your mom starts and you mute yourself so you can figure out what your best friend wants.

“What, Mingyu?” you ask, sharper than you intend.

“Take me back with you for the holidays,” he says. 

“What?” you ask.

“Take me…” he starts.

“No, I heard you. What are you on about?” you ask. 

“You can just feed your mom some line. Tell her you and I just started dating. It doesn’t matter. Anything to just get her off your case,” he says.

“I’m not…what is wrong with you? I’m not going to just fake date you like some weird holiday movie,” you argue.

“Okay, first of all, rude. Those movies aren’t weird, they’re great. And second of all, what do you have to lose?  Your mom loves me and she’ll be thrilled to see me. I already know everyone that’ll be at the parties and dinners. My parents are out of the country visiting my sister and her new boyfriend for the holidays, so I was only going to my cousin’s as kind of a pity invite. It can’t possibly fail,” he says.

“There are a lot of ways it could fail, actually,” you point out.

“Wow, are you going to leave me stranded for the holidays? I’m already rethinking this relationship,” Mingyu says through a pout. “My own partner doesn’t even want to spend the holidays with me. Are you embarrassed to bring me around your family?”

“So what do you say?” comes your mom’s voice. You had been blocking it out while talking to Mingyu, yet it still catches your attention.

You quickly unmute yourself and look away from Mingyu. “I…actually can’t, Mom. I’m sort of seeing someone different, but it’s new so I wasn’t going to mention…” 

“Oh, you already found someone new, that’s wonderful!” she exclaims. 

You don’t have to look at Mingyu to know that he’s wearing a grin that’s entirely too satisfied. Even if he’s mostly kidding about being abandoned for Christmas, you know that it’s been bugging him that his parents decided to go abroad. You also know that he wouldn’t ever dream of inviting himself to tag long even if that’s what he wanted to do. He actually likes your family, sometimes more than you do. 

“I’ll have to ask him if he’s willing to come with me, but…” you try to say before your mother cuts you off again.

“Tell him it simply wouldn’t be the holidays without him. I can’t wait to meet him. Oh, I’m going to tell your father. We may manage to get you married after all,” she says in seemingly one breath.

“I still haven’t…” you try again without any luck.

“I can’t wait to see you both! Love you!” she says. 

“Love y-...” you say, but she’s already ended the call. 

“I guess I have holiday plans after all,” Mingyu says and you fight the urge to throw a pillow at him.

“This is a terrible idea. I can’t pretend we’re dating,” you say and crinkle your nose.

“Oh, wow, have I offended your high standards?” he asks. “Should I remind you of your last two relationships?”

You do throw the pillow at him this time. 

Despite all the questions from your parents about just who is coming home with you for the holidays, you insist that it needs to be a surprise. You definitely think that your parents will be surprised when they see Mingyu on their doorstep. Even though you only met Mingyu in college, the two of you have been nearly inseparable since then. He’s come with you to countless family events to keep you company, especially between other relationships. Your parents buy him Christmas presents every year and insist on video chatting with both of you on his birthdays. Your younger cousins ask when he’s going to be coming around again because they look up to him, both literally and figuratively. It’s kind of annoying sometimes because you wonder if they like him more than their own family member. But, you reason it away with them liking him for the same reasons that you do. He’s just so easy to be around, though they get more of his polite company attitude than you do. Around you, he’s much more relaxed and somehow more prone to pouting to get his way. 

More unfortunately, the pout always seems to work on you. You pretend to be annoyed with it (well, it’s not always pretending, actually), but you give in every time. Which is fine when it’s just the two of you. It’s less fine when other friends are around because they all have smug looks. Convinced that you and him are end game and neither of you realizes yet. The worst, though, is when he slips into the pout mode around your family and you have to deal with the looks from your family members. It’s all worth it to have someone to act as a buffer, even if you’ll never tell him as much. 

Before you get to that point of seeing your parents, you figure that you should stop by to see your childhood best friend first. Of course, he already knows the whole story with Mingyu and doesn’t seem entirely surprised. After all, he’s also known your mom nearly his whole life. Somehow you went from kids forced together when the parents hung out to adults that actually still genuinely love each other, which means he knows Mingyu well too. In his role as best friend, your current situation will not spare you from his teasing. That’s a role he’s happily embraced all your lives. 

The smirk on his face is present as soon as he sees you and Mingyu walk into the coffee shop. Mingyu hasn’t even spotted him while he unwinds his scarf and heads to the counter to order drinks. You say you’re going over to sit with your friend and only then does Mingyu notice you’re not the first ones here. 

“Hey Kwan, you good on your drink?” he calls.

“Yeah, thanks,” he calls back before his eyes turn on you like he’s got a secret. 

You make your way over to his table and try not to react to the look he’s giving you. Typical Seungkwan looking like he’s about to burst with the latest gossip. Even when he knows exactly why you have Mingyu with you and even said, over text, he gets why you agreed. Ugh. You know better than to think he’ll let you live for even a second. Sometimes you think you need better friends.

“Has he gotten taller?” Seungkwan asks, casting his eyes over at your other friend. 

“No, but for real,” you say with a laugh. “I swear, I see him constantly and I still feel like he’s getting taller.”

“Constantly, huh?” Seungkwan asks, raising an eyebrow.

“We’re best friends,” you say with a sigh.

“And what am I?” he asks. 

“Also my best friend. There’s no rule on having only one,” you repeat for what feels like the hundredth time. 

“Are you nervous to head back to your parents’ house?” he asks, entirely switching approaches. 

It’s not your first rodeo, though. “Why should I be? They like Mingyu, at least, so there won’t be any of the awkwardness beyond explaining that we’re dating now.” 

“Which probably isn’t going to come as a surprise to them,” Seungkwan says. 

“I mean, why wouldn’t it be a surprise?” you ask before you clock the look on his face. “Oh, don’t tell me this is more of that bullshit about how often I bring him around. You know my family is insufferable if I have to deal with them alone.” 

“No, I just know for a fact that they’ve wondered if you were dating him before,” Seungkwan says as Mingyu finally joins you with two coffees in hand.

“That would mean she would need to have good enough taste to date someone as great as me,” he says when he sets your coffee in front of you.

“I’m so torn,” Seungkwan admits. “I could insult her taste in relationships, which, love you babe, but really? Or I could insult you as not really being any better than anyone she’s dated.”

“That one gets us both, though?” you point out, only a little offended.

“Option two it is,” Seungkwan agrees. 

“Okay, enough of that. Fill me in on everything before I have to walk into the lion’s den,” you say. 

It’s always the same when you catch up with Seungkwan. He’s thriving even though he chose not to leave the area where you grew up. It’s not that big of an area, but he’s found opportunities. You just found those opportunities a little further away. Just far enough away that your mother can’t easily pop by unannounced. That lead time before she shows up is usually enough that you can mentally prepare. 

Seungkwan, for his part, really does brighten up the entire space, when he’s not being a demon. He’s got that kind of shine that can’t even be dulled by staying in the same general area as his family. He’s also better at setting boundaries, which he gently reminds you again. He doesn’t need the space and preparation time of his family showing up at his place unannounced because they all know that’s not allowed. It’s not that you’re a pushover, it’s just that it feels different. Even your parents seem to respect Seungkwan more than you at times. You try not to let the cynicism of being a woman seep into those feelings. But, it’s hard. Harder still when Seungkwan gives you the sympathetic look like he wants to agree and knows it won’t really help anything. He’s always been that special brand of ally. The one that actually does want to help and understands the inherent privilege.

Unfortunately, Seungkwan and his family won’t be coming to the events that your parents have planned for the next week, though they’re always invited. They wanted to do something more focused on their family instead. It probably seems like something over the top to anyone on the outside. To you, it just seems normal. This is how your parents always handle the holidays and most events seem to take place at their house. 

All too soon, Seungkwan says that he needs to get back to something and reminds you that you can’t put off going home any longer. You’re already getting dangerously close to what your mother considers late. It’s probably not the best idea to test her patience before the week even starts. 

Mingyu takes care of getting you over to your parents house. Maybe fake dating him for a week won’t be so bad when he takes care of driving without asking and doesn’t even need an address. Since he also already knows your entire family, he doesn’t need help with getting gifts to bring with him. That includes both something to give them when you get there as well as actual Christmas gifts. You remember telling him that wasn’t necessary and remember the look of horror on his face when he asked what kind of fake boyfriend he would be if he forgot. Despite the weirdness of the situation, you also find yourself far more at peace than the last time you brought an actual partner home like this. Mingyu has seen you through a lot of ups and downs. Knows when to be serious and when to crack a little joke to break the tension, even if it’s something only for your ears. 

That all disappears as soon as your mother greets you at the door with a look of genuine surprise on her face. 

“Surprise,” you say. It seems a little redundant because she seems shocked. “You, uh, you remember Mingyu, right?” 

“Of course, of course, come in out of the cold,” she says, recovering quickly as she steps out of the way. “Let me get your coats.”

“I know this is probably a bit of a surprise,” you start.

“It definitely is,” she agrees as she takes Mingyu’s and your coats. “Your father is just in the family room.”

“I figured it would be a good surprise,” you offer as you start to follow her into the house. 

“No, of course it is. We adore Mingyu, you know that,” she says with a soft smile for Mingyu. She’s always loved him. “We just, well, we thought you and him had broken up…”

“Broken…what?” you ask, your own shock now matching your mother’s as you come to a complete halt. 

Mingyu seems to just stay quiet through this entire exchange. You’re wondering why until you look over at him to see that he’s barely containing his laughter. Of course he would find this whole thing funny. Maybe he believes Seungkwan that your parents have wondered if you were dating him. Or maybe he’s just quicker on the uptake. Whatever it, it would be annoying if your brain wasn’t working overtime to try and catch up.

“Yes, you said you’d broken up with a boyfriend. Your father and I realized we hadn’t actually met the last person you dated and we just assumed, since you only mention Mingyu. Well, you said he was like your best friend and we knew it wasn’t Seungkwan. Mingyu only made sense,,” your mother says with a shrug. 

“Mingyu! What are you doing here?” your father asks, rising from his seat to shake your best friend’s hand. 

“Dating our daughter, apparently,” your mother says with a skeptical look. 

“Oh, good! I’m glad you kids worked it out,” he says. 

“Did…everyone just think I was dating…?” you start to ask, looking confusedly between your parents. “Mom, Dad, I was not dating Mingyu. We were only…”

“Friends?” your mother supplies through her heavy tone of disbelief. 

“Yes,” you say, eyes wide and desperate looking to Mingyu for support.

“We really were just friends,” Mingyu says. “I mean, I guess not just friends. But, seeing her go through another heartbreak just made me realize that I didn’t want to see her go through something like that again. I guess it just made me realize how much I do care about her. So, I finally said something.” 

There’s a lot that you can count on Mingyu for. Driving, having an endless supply of oversized hoodies to steal, a stocked kitchen, the best meals of your life, 2 am chats, support through break ups, hating the same people, being scared of his own shadow, a perpetual golden retriever energy, endless loyalty, and the list goes on. Something you never expect to count on Mingyu for, though? The lie that spills so easily from his lips to try and get your parents off your case. Sure, he knows just how much you struggle with your relationship with them. This is different, though. The lie sounds so sincere and his face looks so soft when he glances over at you. 

“You know, it’s okay if you just got back together,” your mother says, looking between the two of you. 

“Oh my god, that’s not what happened!” you say, throwing your hands up. 

“Of course, dear, of course,” your father says. 

“I should go take our suitcases upstairs. Am I just in the normal guest room?” he asks. 

It’s both a deflection from the conversation and a valid question all rolled into one. Whatever the case, it does work for long enough to have your mother refocus her attention on Mingyu to answer. That gives you at least a second to catch your breath. Bringing Mingyu was supposed to give you a break from your parents. And it will, you think, but it’s also bringing up a lot that you hadn’t planned on. You wonder what Seungkwan will say when you tell him about the reception. Probably that he told you so.

“Oh, no dear. We planned to have you stay in our daughter’s old room with her,” your mother says.

Great. Now you’re in an entirely new spiral because, what? She has you and Mingyu staying in the same room where there is only one bed? You can’t remember the last time she was this relaxed with a partner you brought home, which brings up even more questions. Has this really been the plan? Or is only the plan now because of how much they like him? Is this just another way for them to try and nudge you into marriage?

“But, mom…” you start to protest.

“We’ve got a full house with family, dear,” she says as an explanation. 

“I know where it is, I’ll just take the stuff up,” Mingyu offers.

“I can help,” you say as a way to get out of this whole thing and to talk to your friend.

“Pretty sure I’m strong enough to get some luggage upstairs,” he jokes and you roll your eyes.

“Why don’t you go up with him anyway? Then you can freshen up before dinner,” your mother says with a poorly disguised look at your slightly wrinkled clothing. 

Mingyu insists on carrying the bigger suitcases upstairs on his own, but you grab the smaller bags you had in the car with you. Well, except for his backpack that he also stubbornly carries. You don’t need a personal demonstration, you already know that he’s strong. You also don’t need to hear your mother talking about how nice it is to have such a polite young man around like he hasn’t been around a million times before. Once you’re inside the room and behind a closed door, you round on your friend.

“What the hell was that?” you ask.

“Your mom actually letting you and a boyfriend stay in the same room? I don’t know. It’s crazy, right?” he asks.

“Not that, what was with you?” you ask. 

“What do you mean?” he returns, looking up from his suitcase where he had been getting ready to unpack. 

“That whole answer you gave my mom,” you say and he looks almost pitying.

“I have to make it believable, don’t I?” he asks like it’s the simplest thing in the world. “Otherwise, she won’t buy it and she’s going to try to set you up.”

“I guess that makes sense,” you concede. 

“Kind of wild that they thought we’d been dating, though,” he adds on.

“Yeah, what was that?” you ask with more force than you mean. 

He only shrugs. “I don’t know, they’re your parents.” 

“Seungkwan said the same thing,” you remind him. 

“About people thinking we’re dating?” he asks, eyes back on his suitcase.

“Yeah,” you say.

He only chuckles before he looks up. “Come on, that’s not the first time either. How many of our friends have thought the same thing?”

“They’re just fucking with us,” you disagree.

“And my ex?” he asks with a raised eyebrow. 

“Okay, well in my defense, she was insane. The whole idea that people of the opposite sex can’t be friends is an insane take,” you say.

“Yeah, I’m not exactly upset to be rid of her,” he agrees.

“Come on. We better hurry up and get back downstairs,” you say.

The rest of the day is somehow just as weird, but also comforting. As the rest of the family starts arriving, either to stay or just for dinner, you find out that most of your family thinks you’ve been dating Mingyu. Or that it was him that you broke up with and are now back together with. It’s hard to tell if it’s something coming from your parents or just a general vibe that the two of you give off. You can at least acknowledge that you didn’t talk about your last relationship much with your family. Hindsight is always clearer, but you still think you knew something was off in that relationship the whole time. Knew that he wasn’t destined to go the distance. Maybe that’s why the break up didn’t hurt that bad. Honestly, the worst part was thinking of facing your family alone for Christmas.

Mingyu saves you from that as he’s saved you countless times before. 

That brings you to the more comforting part of the evening. You can’t tell if any of your family members actually buy that this is a new relationship. At least, none of them seem to think it’s fake. You can probably put up with it if they just think you’re lying about when you actually got together. That makes it all feel much easier. Then, there’s the fact that your entire family loves Mingyu. It’s the first time you can remember joining the dinner to kick off the family Christmas festivities in years. Your family takes the holidays very seriously and it’s Mingyu’s first time experiencing it like this. Yet, he slots right in with everything. 

It also feels like he’s thought through this whole fake relationship in ways you didn’t. Sure, you talked about some of the ins and outs since this isn’t just a quick overnight trip. But, mostly, you just decide it’s easiest to keep it as close to the truth as possible. The friendship is so deep that there’s genuine love there. You don’t have to fake that. What you did not consider is physical affection. You’re not the kind of person that drapes yourself all over a partner, never have been. There’s a moment where you worry, as you watch your cousin and her fiancé, that you and Mingyu could be found out for not showing enough affection. 

A few minutes later, you’re wishing he would be less affectionate. And you’re not even sure why you worried. The first thing you really learned about Mingyu was that he was incredibly physically affectionate. Tight hugs, random hand holding, an arm around your shoulder, a hand on your arm or leg. It’s all just par for the course with him. It’s gotten even more obvious now that he’s pretending to date you. It seems so innocuous, too. He’s got his hand on your thigh, giving the occasional squeeze, while he’s talking to someone else. He randomly plants a kiss on your temple. He leans over to whisper something to you on the pretense of being close and usually it’s nothing. You don’t even realize that it has most of your family giving each other knowing looks. Like they’re still not convinced you hadn’t been dating before. 

By the time it’s late enough to go upstairs, you’re more than ready to have time away from your family. Every time you think that you’re social, your family is there to humble you. Or maybe it’s just that being around them is too draining. In any case, you and Mingyu head upstairs together. Thankfully, your parents house is big enough that it feels like there’s a little bit of privacy in your old bedroom. 

“So, how’s this going to work?” Mingyu asks, glancing at the bed and then into the attached bathroom. 

Okay, so maybe, even with how big the house is, you haven’t fully considered everything. You’re not really sure what to do. It shouldn’t be weird. You and Mingyu have shared a bed before. This just somehow feels intimate when your entire family thinks you’re sharing because you’re in a relationship and don’t know this is all pretend so you can have a little bit of peace for the holidays. Your gift to yourself. Shaking it all off, you turn to Mingyu.

“I mean, we’ve shared before. It’ll be fine,” you say. 

“So are we not gonna talk about the last time we shared?” he asks with an eyebrow raised.

Racking your brain, you can’t really think of anything that would make him say that. Had something awkward happened? Did one of you do something that you should really remember? Just as you’re about to go into a full blown spiral, you feel Mingyu appear before you. He reaches out to smooth out the line between your eyebrows.

“Don’t hurt yourself there,” he says with a laugh. “You whined about me taking up too much space.” 

“Oh my god,” you say and swat at him. “It was a tiny bed and you took up the entire thing! You can’t do this to me when I’m already wound tight over my family.” 

“Sorry,” he says and throws up his hands. The sparkle in his eyes says that he’s anything but. 

“I’m going to change and then start my skincare routine,” you say as you move to grab something to wear to bed. 

Without even asking if you’re dressed, Mingyu comes into the bathroom to start doing his own skincare routine while you’re in there. He’s already changed into a t-shirt and shorts, which you know is more than he normally wears to bed. It’s somehow peaceful to go through your routines in silence like this. You consider that it might be in part because it forces him to be quiet. Not that you usually mind his chatter, it’s just that your brain is already tired from one night dealing with your family. You can’t imagine how the rest of the days are going to go and are thankful for the downtime when you’ll be able to get out of the house to do things. 

Once you’re back in the bedroom, you both finish off all the little things you need to do. You plug in your phone after checking for any important notifications, grab the TV remote to fling it over to Mingyu, and slide under the covers. Usually you just kind of scroll before going to sleep or sometimes you’ll read. But, you think it might be weird to do those things when you’re sharing a bed with someone else.

“Do I need to make a pillow wall or something?” he asks as he’s flipping through to find something to watch.

Your head whips to the side to look at him. Even though it’s only his profile, you can see that he’s smirking. Purposefully not looking at you because he knows it’ll break the little composure he has. To deal with that, you whack him with a pillow. 

“Just don’t drape your entire body over me,” you say.

“Why?” he asks and does turn to look at you now, wiggling his eyebrows. “Afraid it’ll be too close?”

“No, you fucking goober, you’re just heavy,” you say through a genuine laugh.

“How is this relationship ever going to work if we’re calling each other names?” he says, pretending to be heartbroken. 

“Same way it has for like 8 years,” you joke back with a soft smile. 

“Are you saying you love me?” he asks, hand on his heart. This is one of your favorite things about your friendship with Mingyu because he’s so dramatic that it takes your mind off everything else.

“I don’t know, I’m rethinking it,” you say and turn back to the TV. 

“I love you too, you know,” he says, voice soft enough to make you turn back to him.

“I know, Gyu. I don’t think anyone else would put themselves through this for me, so thank you,” you say honestly. 

He just shrugs and goes back to a lighter place. “Well, I didn’t have good holiday plans and who can say no to this level of entertainment?” 

The next day actually gives you time to catch up with some of your family members more personally instead of everything being such big conversations. That’s especially true for your cousin, Mimi, who’s only two years younger than you and has always been your favorite of your cousins. Even if you go months without seeing each other, it always feels like no time passes. There’s just a level of closeness and understanding between the two of you. You can complain about your mothers since they’re sisters and honestly the same person, just in a different font. It’s easy to be on the same page about things as well. 

You’re actually a little surprised to see that she’s here alone, even though you know she recently got out of a bad relationship. Somehow, it seems her mom is more understanding than your own. She was also much more honest about how the relationship fell apart after 3 years and her mom is sympathetic about it. When she says it like that, you understand. Your last few relationships have all been measured in months rather than years. 

“You’re not, like, actually dating Mingyu though, are you?” she asks quietly when it’s just the two of you.

“Mimi,” you hiss and look around.

“We’re alone,” she assures you with a wave of her hand. “So, spill.”

“No,” you say hesitantly. “Why?”

“I’m just curious,” she says unconvincingly. 

“He was with me when my mom was bugging me about the holidays and bringing someone with me. Then she was going to set me up, so he just offered…” you start.

“He was the one who suggested it?” she asks, far more curious than she should be. 

“Yeah,” you say simply. “Again, why?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ve just always thought he was cute and I was wondering if he’s actually single.” 

“You cannot hit on Mingyu,” you whisper through gritted teeth. She gives you a look you can’t place before brushing it off.

“Oh, I’m not saying I would. It’s just good to know I could,” she says.

“You can’t,” you remind her. “Everyone thinks we’re dating.” 

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do it anywhere anyone else could see,” she teases. 

Of course, another of our cousins picks that moment to join you, so you can’t further chastise Mimi. It irritates you all the same though. How does she think it’s just fine to do something like that when you’re supposed to be in a fake relationship? Could she not just wait to hit on him until the rest of your family wasn’t watching with too much attention? 

Normally, Mimi is a respite from the rest of your family. She’s one of the few people that you’re always completely honest with. Now, she’s taken that away. You try to go about the rest of the day with her knowing that the relationship is fake and she seems like she’s trying her best to get under your skin. Every part of you wants to stop her from chatting so much to Mingyu and you can’t. It would seem weird when everyone knows that you and your cousin are close. Weirder still when she always knows Mingyu relatively well from every other time he’s been to some family event. 

When you excuse yourself up to your bedroom for a second away from your parents and their incessant hint dropping, Mingyu slips into the room just after you. Which is odd, considering you had not even seen him also slip away. The second odd thing comes when you look at his face. He looks more serious than usual, more tired. It doesn’t fully make sense because he’s incredibly social. Loves to be around people in the way all true extroverts do. Something must be wrong.

“Can I talk to you?” he asks after closing the door.

“You don’t ever have to ask,” you say with clear apprehension. 

“Did you tell Mimi we weren’t actually dating?” he asks, still looking at you in a way you can’t place.

You exhale, thinking it’ll be nothing. “Oh, that, yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it to you, I just…”

“Did you also tell her that I’m very single and she should go ahead and shoot her shot?” he asks and you stop short hearing that.

“I - what?” you ask.

“She just kind of cornered me and was laying it on super thick, but she said it was fine because she knows we’re not really dating and that you’d encouraged her to…” he starts and you immediately cut him off.

“What the actual fuck, Mimi?” you say in frustration. 

“I mean, if you want me to…” he tries to start again, looking a little like a lost or kicked puppy. It makes you immediately close the space between you and him. 

“Gyu, no. I did tell her that we weren’t actually dating, but I absolutely did not tell her it was okay to do any of that, let alone encourage it,” you say. 

“So you don’t want me to flirt back?” he asks. He’s still looking Too Serious when he says it and you’re not really sure how to feel.

“Since we’re supposed to be dating, I’d prefer you didn’t. But, if you think she’s pretty it’s not like I can stop you,” you say noncommittally. 

“Of course I think she’s pretty. You and your whole family are pretty. It’s like something in a TV show or some shit,” he says and this is a Mingyu you recognize because he’s rolling his eyes. 

“Oh yeah, says the guy who looks like that,” you say and vaguely gesture at him.

“I…did you just compliment me?” he asks, totally off track from wherever he was going.

“That depends, did you compliment me first?” you deflect. 

“You’re such a shithead,” he grumbles and you tsk at him.

“Now, now sweetheart, should we really be name calling?” you tease.

He fixes you with his attempt at an unimpressed stare, but he’s nowhere near as good at it as you are. Like every other time, he relents first. “I’ve probably told you how beautiful you are hundreds of times in our friendship.” 

“Which I’ve always returned,” you lie.

“Be so for real. I have to pull most compliments out of you,” he says through a snort. When you open your mouth to protest, he cuts you off. “Most compliments that are not about my cooking, I should say.”

“People fall all over you,” you say with a good natured eye roll of your own. “Do you really need to hear me also say you could easily be a model?”

“Doesn’t hurt,” he mumbles through a pout.

“Oh, beautiful Mingyu,” you start, taking on the silliest voice you can muster. “You’re so pretty that I could cry. Your face breaks hearts every day, your smile lights up the room, your hair…”

“Okay, okay, enough,” he says even though he looks pleased.

“I cannot believe Mimi, though,” you say.

“I’m glad you’re not trying to push us together,” he admits.

“Why? Not interested?” you tease.

He answers seriously, though. “No. She’s pretty, sure, but no, I’m definitely not interested, even if I wasn’t pretending to date you.” 

That honest answer strikes something in you. Not that honesty is unusual between the two of you. It just feels like there’s also an element of vulnerability in the response as well. Like he’s saying something that you just can’t quite decipher. You just brush aside for now, though, since there’s nothing else you really can do. 

Mingyu, as it turns out, has one winter time tradition that he’s always wanted to try and never had the chance to do: sledding. He’s never lived in any place where it’s snowy enough or there’s enough free space. But, up here in the relative mountains where your parents live, sledding is a way of life. It’s something you’ve done countless times growing up with friends or family. Part of you is even a little thankful that he wants to do it, too. It’s been years since you’ve gone sledding and getting to see his face when you go for the first time feels special. Feels like something that’s just for you. 

Which is why you’re up before the sun. 

Last night, when you talked about sledding and getting an early start, Mingyu was on board. Now that it’s time to actually get up, you can see it written all over his face that he’s regretting every decision that’s ever led him to this moment. Like the true best friend that he is, though, he’s keeping the actual grumbling to a minimum. You’re not sure why you’re not also grumbling. You’re not a morning person. But, you’ve never gone sledding at sunrise either and something about it just seems like it’ll be magical. Like it really will make it an entirely new experience for you and him to share. 

The house is quiet as you grab the bag of snow pants and winter jackets that you packed the night before from the closet in the entryway. Everything feels so peaceful in the house and just as still when you leave. Like even the soft sound of the door is too much while the whole world sleeps. You can hear the slight crunch under your feet as you trudge over to Mingyu’s car and take care not to be too loud getting in. Thank him again for driving when you know it’s way earlier than he wants to be awake. All he does is smile like there’s nowhere else in the world he would rather be. 

The drive to the hill where you’re going to sled is quick and also tranquil. Even the music is soft like Mingyu is afraid of disrupting the peace. Or maybe you’re both just appreciating something different than the normal bustle of life in a city. It’s never this kind of quiet there and there’s something kind of beautiful about it. Even the parking lot is empty when you get to the small hill that you used to sled down as a kid. You’ve never seen it empty before. Then again, you’ve never been before the sun rose, either. Mingyu takes care to unload the sleds before you both bundle up. It’s not terribly cold, but you make him put on the waterproof gear anyway. 

He stops at the bottom of the hill and looks towards the top. “We’re going all the way up there?” 

You can hear a little bit of nerves in his voice. Mingyu has never been a fan of heights. This isn’t that high, though, and you nudge him playfully. Well, it doesn’t seem high to you. “I think you can manage. Come on.” 

Climbing up to the top is always your least favorite part because it uses the most energy. Not that you mind the activity, it’s just a lot of work for a relatively short ride back down the hill on the sled. At least this hill has stairs built into the slope off to the side to help you. Once you’re at the top, you plop down with Mingyu right beside you. It’s less about catching your breath and more about appreciating the view. It seems like you can see for miles even though you’re not that high up. The sun starts to rise and you know it’s all worth it. All the shades of orange and pink stretch across the horizon as the sun makes its way over the distant mountains. There aren’t any words that come to mind to really capture how beautiful it is. The colors are more vibrant against the white of the snow all around you. Everything feels magnified in the quiet space. All either of you can do is utter out a soft wow to express your awe. 

And then the quiet really is broken.

“Okay you expect me to slide down that on a piece of plastic?” he asks with a hint of panic in his voice. 

You follow his gaze and look down the hill, because it really is only a hill. Not anything crazy. It always looks a little more intimidating from the top, but it isn’t anything all that high. 

“Oh come on you giant baby,” you tease and nudge him. “We got all the way up here, how else are you going to get down?” 

“Walk back down the stairs they so nicely provided?” he offers. 

“That’s crazy,” you say.

“I’m afraid of heights!” he shouts, more panic in his voice. 

“I know, Gyu,” you say, instantly softening as you approach him to put your hand on his arm. 

“I didn’t really think this through,” he admits.

“Why did you agree to sledding down a hill?” you ask, genuinely curious. 

He’s quiet for a moment as he looks out over vista before him. You watch as a calm comes back over him. The kind of calm that can only come from a setting as pretty as this one. Watch him take a couple steadying breaths. Even though you’ve been friends with Mingyu for years, you’ve never really seen his fear of heights firsthand. Couldn’t have imagined it would kick in for something as seemingly innocuous as a small sledding hill. Though, admittedly, it is a pretty decent size. It’s definitely not just the kind of hill people sled down in their backyards or local parks. 

“Because I wanted to try sledding and do something new. And this hill seemed important to you,” he says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m not going to say no to something you ask me to do when you get that look in your eyes.”

“What look?” you ask to avoid considering a deeper meaning to his words.

“I don’t know. You get all starry eyed,” he says with a shrug. 

“How about this? We can go down together and check it off the list. You don’t have to sled again,” you offer. 

“We came all the way out here,” he says, unsure.

“And I got to see the prettiest sunrise of my life with my best friend beside me,” you say easily.

“Okay, okay. I can at least try,” he says.

You get up and send the smaller of the sleds down the hill without anyone on it in case you really only take the one ride. It would be a hassle to have to come back up and get it. Then, you position yourself on the bigger sled that’s meant for two people (or three kids sometimes when you were younger). Once you’re in place, you motion for Mingyu to settle in behind you. Point out where he can put his legs on either side of you, which already feels closer than normal even with how affectionate Mingyu can be. You adjust so that your back is pressed against his chest. It’s about the right balance to the sled so that you’re less likely to topple over on the way down. Mingyu has to crowd into your space to wrap his arms around your middle because he’s bigger than you are, something you hadn’t considered when suggesting this. You can almost tell that he’s considering burying his face in your hair, but stops short.

At least, until you push over the edge with a combination of wiggling and using your hands to push your forward. That’s when he buries his face. Then, you’re slowly picking up speed as you slide down the completely untouched snow. It’s always best like this, in your opinion. Before there are lanes carved into the snow. Yes, those lanes pack the snow down and can make you go faster, but you can also catch an edge and topple over more easily. 

None of that is really on your mind once you start descending though. All you can think of is the way Mingyu’s body feels pressed against yours. How it’s very foreign but also very comforting. How you can understand why your whole family so easily believes that you’re together. The comfort is effortless, something you don’t ever think about. It just exists. You focus on how funny it is to have this giant of a man wrapped around you like a koala with his head buried in your hair now because he’s nervous. You don’t even consider any other way that it might make you feel. When you let out a squeal of delight as the sled picks up more speed, you feel, rather than hear, him grumble by the tickle of his breath in your hair. It only makes him cling more tightly to you. 

It’s almost disappointing when you feel the sled level out at the bottom of the hill and slow down. It’s been the perfect way to relive one of the parts of your childhood that you loved the most. Getting to do silly little things like this really was one of the best parts of winter. You’re fully stopped before you realize that Mingyu is still clinging to you with everything he has. So, you carefully place a hand over his and feel him untense the tiniest bit.

“It’s okay, we made it to the bottom in one piece.” 

Slowly, he loosens his grip on you and actually looks up. Again, you feel this rather than seeing it. You feel the absence of his body heat and only then realize just how tightly he was clinging to you. Mingyu pulls his face out of your hair and seems to look around, as if testing that you’re really at the bottom of the hill. Like he’s not sure it’s over that quickly. 

“That wasn’t so bad.”

“No, it was a lot of fun.” 

“Do you think…could we maybe go again?” 

Both of you are standing up again now and it makes you whip your head around to look at him because you can’t believe this scaredy cat actually wants to go down again after how much it took to get him down the first time. His face is hopeful, though, and you’re not about to start saying no to that face now. Not when you never have before. So you match his smile. 

“On one condition,” you finally say. Mingyu only looks at you like he’s waiting for you to continue. “You have to actually keep your eyes open this time.” 

“You don’t know I had my eyes closed,” he insists with a pout.

“Gyu, your face was in my hair,” you say through a laugh.

“Okay, fine. Eyes open. But, I have my own condition, too,” he fires back, still kind of pouting. 

“Yes?”

“I want to ride together again.” 

It’s easy to agree to that. Even though you don’t say it out loud, it’s kind of fun riding with him, especially when the hill is so untouched. He’s tall and muscular, very helpful when it comes to carving a path and also picking up speed. He adds to the momentum and you like going faster. You don’t consider telling him that he wouldn’t go quite as fast without you because you would be losing on as well. It’s not a bad deal for either of you, really. Mingyu gets to work a little on a fear of heights on something much more manageable and you get to live out your best sled dreams. 

Each run gets a little bit easier. Mingyu holds up his end of the bargain and actually opens his eyes, which is more entertaining to you than it probably should be as he curses all the way down that first run. But, he keeps wanting to go and you’re not going to stop him. Don’t realize that maybe he also keeps going because he loves to see the way your face lights up each run. Neither of you makes an effort to get the other sled again either. 

By the time the sun is fully risen, yours and Mingyu’s cheeks are rosy from the cold. And also from the way you’ve taken to running back up the steps to the top like kids. You have to admit, even if it means he’ll get a big head, this is the most fun you’ve had in your hometown during the holidays in a long time. Honestly, it might actually be the most fun you’ve had anywhere in a while. It’s nice to get back to something simpler without worrying about anything else. Life can get busy back in the city between work and chores and endless responsibility. Sometimes it’s nice to just take a break from it all. Remember that there are more important things than just working all the time or being stressed about things you can’t really control. Maybe there’s something to simplifying life a bit. 

Now that the sun is rising, it’s a more acceptable time for people to be out and about themselves. Kids can convince their parents to take them sledding as well. At the first sign of people approaching, you and Mingyu agree that it should be your last run. You’re starting to get a little tired and you know it’ll get loud. You don’t mind having the kids around, you just know it gets harder to avoid everyone and you have to wait longer between each run. Besides, you planned something post sledding as well. It catches you off guard that he actually seems a little sad to be leaving. 

That is, until you take him to this little hole in the wall of a breakfast place. It’s something new because you’re not usually in this area when he comes with you to family events. Not that it’s far, it’s just a few towns over and there are closer places. Until winter comes around again and the elderly couple that runs the place roll out their secret recipe for hot cocoa. Honestly, you could probably just drink that without even ordering anything to eat and be the happiest person in the world. The food is amazing too, though, and you didn’t eat before leaving to go sledding. You and Mingyu order a few things to share and laugh all the way through it, talking about sledding and the trip so far.

“Thanks for this,” he says as breakfast is winding up.

You’re a little surprised at both his words and the gentleness of his tone. “For what?”

“Taking me sledding like this. That sunrise was amazing and I, well, I guess I didn’t think I’d have as much fun as I did,” he admits, a little more shy than you’re used to.

“I’m glad you trusted me,” you say and can’t quite place the look he gives you.

“I think I’d trust you with just about anything.” 

The day before Christmas is always the same. By then, you’re in desperate need of a break from your family and you think they may be in need of a break from you as well. So, each year you get together with Seungkwan and some of your other friends that still live in the area. Anyone with a partner brings them along and you have a nice, boozy brunch. This year, Seungkwan is hosting because his place is spacious and the group seems a little bigger. It’s also nice to get to really spend some time at his place since he’s only been there a few months. 

Typically, a few people in the friend group will bring over some pre-made things to warm up the next day as well as everyone bringing whatever they want to drink and share. That’s the same for this year with a slight change. Mingyu, once he sees the kitchen, says that he just has to make some food as well. After taking an inventory, he heads back out to buy more things that he needs, ignoring any of your protests and only agreeing to take your card so you can sort out the cost with your friends. (You’re not going to do that because you don’t mind just covering it, but you don’t want him to cover it either.)

When he gets back, he immediately goes into the kitchen and your friend Vernon’s girlfriend offers to help. She drags Seungkwan’s sister, who doesn’t usually come around, with her as well. Mingyu only leaves the kitchen long enough to bring you one of the mimosas that he made, insisting there’s a special ingredient. Then, it’s back to fully focusing on the food. Not that you really mind. It’s nice to just be in a low stress environment with your friends to catch up, have some drinks, and laugh a lot. 

Vernon, after looking around to make sure nobody else is listening, shows you and Seungkwan the ring he’s been walking around with for the past few weeks. Apparently, he’s finally settled that he’s going to propose to his girlfriend tomorrow on Christmas Day. You’re thrilled because they’ve been together forever and she already feels like family. Seungkwan nearly bursts into tears, which you have to quickly cover so nobody realizes what’s happening. You love that your best friend is like that. It’s just not the time if you want to keep it a secret that Vernon wants to propose. 

It also feels nice to be in a group where you don’t have to pretend. Nothing changes all that much for how you and Mingyu are together because he’s always affectionate with you. But, you get to trade any of the not-so-subtle comments about when you’re going to get married to the relentless teasing about how he passes as your boyfriend so easily. It’s nice to have someone joking about it and you find you don’t even mind. Especially when Mingyu chimes in with his own little comments from the kitchen. There seems like there’s a lot of laughter in there as well. 

“You’re going to have to dress him better if he’s going to keep posing as your boyfriend,” Seungkwan jokes and you look over at the kitchen. 

Mingyu is wearing this kind of awful green zip up sweater. It’s not even that nice, soft material. But, he insisted on wearing it because he wanted to wear something with Christmas colors and it was the only thing he had apart from his outfit for tomorrow. It makes you roll your eyes again remembering it.

“I know,” you sigh. “Usually he dresses so well and then there’s that.” 

Your eyes drift back over to him in the kitchen again and you kind of wish you hadn’t looked back. You catch him as something falls off a spoon he’s using to taste test and onto his skin. And, without seeming to think about it, he sucks it off his hand. Then, licks along his finger for good measure. It makes your heart stutter a little in a way that’s completely foreign to you. Why are you so entirely transfixed by someone who’s supposed to be your best friend and fake boyfriend doing that?

“Hey, you good?” Seungkwan asks, snapping in front of your eyes.

You shake your head to clear it before turning back to him. “Yeah, sorry, zoned out for a second.”

“Uh huh,” he says skeptically, but you catch his eyes darting over to Mingyu. 

“Don’t,” you warn him, causing him to throw his hands up in defense. 

“I won’t,” he says. “But, if you decide you want to talk about it…”

“Talk about what?” Mingyu asks. You hadn’t even seen him leave the kitchen. 

“The issue she’s having with Mimi,” Seungkwan lies quickly. 

Mingyu rolls his eyes. “She won’t leave me alone.” 

“And that seems to be driving both of you crazy,” Seungkwan observes. 

“Well, yeah, our bestie is just being a good friend and she knows I’m uncomfortable,” Mingyu says before you can answer. Is that all it is? For the first time, you’re not sure.

“I’m not sure how I feel about sharing a best friend,” Seungkwan says with feigned distaste.

Mingyu tries to give The Look again, but fails even worse than with you. Nobody can outdo Seungkwan and so he gives up. “Food is ready.” 

“Oh good, I’m starving,” Vernon interrupts. 

The rest of brunch goes by without Seungkwan making any other comments. To you, at least. You don’t see him sit down next to Mingyu after the food is done like it’s casual and unplanned. Nothing that man ever does is either of those things, though. What you do notice is how easily he fits into this group of friends. Sure, he knows Seungkwan pretty well and he’s met nearly everyone there. But, he doesn’t get to spend much time around them. Not really, in the grand scheme of things. It isn’t really surprising, if you think about it, because they’re all close friends of yours and he tends to think you have good taste where friends are concerned.

It is a little weird, you think as Mingyu sits on the other side of the room, that he seems to be a little glued to his phone now that things are getting closer to wrapping up. He checks it mid conversation and furrows his brow at whatever he sees. Both seem unusual. Mingyu is always one of those people that gives his full attention to a conversation. Unless it’s an emergency, he likes to be present in a moment. It’s one of your favorite things about him. It’s also unlike him to be so upset by something on his phone. You can’t think of any person that would be creating that reaction from him. Or anyone that he wouldn’t just ignore until later. You try to put it out of your mind as best you can. If it’s something serious, he’ll talk to you about it. At least, you hope. 

Any other time, you would be thrilled to have your favorite cousin staying at your parents’ house for the holidays. She’s always been your confidant and one of your safe spaces. Now? You can’t stand it. You really wish she would be literally anywhere else. Just the sight of her is getting to be enough to set you off. It seems like she’s really taking it to heart that Mingyu is single. You’re not sure what her game is and you hate it. 

Of course, she manages to corner you the second you’re back to your parents’ house. You’re not exactly paying all that much attention, though. The end of brunch with your friends had been a little weird, even if nobody else noticed it. Mingyu accepted all the praise for the things he made, but was distracted by his phone. Someone, you’re not really sure who, kept sending him messages. Whatever it was didn’t seem to be making him happy. Not that you really have any right to ask him who’s blowing up his phone. It’s just a little weird. Usually he’s so present in events like brunch. It’s odd to see him constantly checking his phone. Odder still that he had headed off to the bedroom as soon as you got back. You’re a little buzzed from the mimosas. Mingyu, on the other hand, is very sober.

“There you are,” Mimi says, appearing as if out of thin air. It makes you jump back, hand on your heart.

“Jesus,” you gasp out.

“No, Mimi,” she jokes. Any other time, it would make you laugh. You’re not so entertained with her now. 

“What are you sneaking up on me for?” you ask instead. 

She rolls her eyes and looks around. “I’m not sneaking up on you. I was just trying to catch you away from the others.”

“Why?”

“Why do you have that fake boyfriend of yours on such a tight leash?”

Out of habit, you look around to make sure nobody is listening. Everyone seems too busy, though. “I don’t have Mingyu on a leash.”

“Then explain why he’s basically refusing to answer any of my texts,” she says, arms crossed.

“I don’t know why…wait a minute. Was it you texting him while we were at brunch?” you ask.

This, somehow, seems to satisfy her. “Oh, so he’s not telling you who’s texting him.” 

“I didn’t ask, honestly.”

“Well, I don’t see why he’d be ignoring - “

Your brain catches up then. “Hang on. How the fuck did you get his number?” 

Mimi rolls her eyes again with a huff. “Please. You’ve had the same passcode on your phone for ages. I just grabbed it when you left your phone out.” 

“That’s so fucked, Mimi. You can’t just go through my phone or take his number,” you say. 

“You’re no fun anymore,” she says with a whine.

You’re not interested in hearing anything else she has to say because you just want to talk to Mingyu. This is getting insane that she’s going to this amount of trouble just to try to get to him. Yet, it’s also weird he kept it to himself that she was texting him. The two of you have talked a lot about the shit Mimi pulls in order to get close to him. Why is it different now that she’s texting him while he’s out with your friends? Is he starting to get worn out from dealing with the insanity of your family? Every other time he’s been around, it’s been really chill. This time, not so much. 

Up in your room, you don’t initially see Mingyu. You’re not sure what you’re expecting. Maybe him on his phone texting or else complaining to another friend about how this whole trip is going. Or even talking to his sister about getting out to see her instead of staying here. None of that happens, though. Instead, you find him in the bathroom applying a face mask. It’s a little ridiculous and definitely the last thing you expect. But, you also know that it’s a sign he’s carrying some amount of stress. 

That’s the thing about being as close to someone as you are to Mingyu. To most people, he’s got this unfailing streak of energy and kindness. He’s the kind of person that lets himself be bullied by all his friends even though he could definitely take them. It’s all part of making sure everyone is enjoying themselves and most things just roll off his broad shoulders. There are hidden depths to him, too. Sometimes he gets a little worn out because he’ll keep things to himself instead of burdening someone else. He takes so much onto his own plate and you wish he wouldn’t. At least, not always. He’ll go until it feels a little unbearable and then finally speak up. He’ll force a smile even when he doesn’t feel like it just to make sure nobody else realizes anything is wrong. In a way, he folds in on himself a little. But, you’ve been friends for years so you know his tells. Know how to spot the signs. It takes you a little longer this time surrounded by family and some friends. This is one of those signs, though. Taking the time to do a face mask, even if it’s in the middle of the day, to just give him an excuse to be quiet. 

You’re not usually the one to initiate physical contact with him. Not because you don’t want to, he just never really gives you the chance. He’s like a human koala most of the time. With his back to the door and his eyes closed to enjoy the feeling of the mask, he doesn’t even hear you approach. Your hands wind around his waist, hugging him tightly from the back and your head rests between his shoulder blades. For the briefest moment, he tenses and you worry that he’s using this as a break from you. Then, he realizes it’s just you and his entire body relaxes. He puts his hands over yours and sighs softly. After a moment, it doesn’t seem like it’s enough because he turns in your arms and pulls you tight against his chest, wrapping you so tightly in his own arms that you would complain in any other situation. Not now, though. Not when he’s putting himself through all of this just so you don’t have to have a stressful holiday experience. 

When it’s like this, you don’t dream of pulling away from Mingyu. There’s so much that he does for you and it’s so rare that you can do anything for him in return. So, you’ll stay tightly pressed against him as long as he wants. You won’t be the one to break the hug first. If you can take even a little bit of whatever he’s feeling onto your own shoulders, you will. This trip has been so much better than you could have expected in most ways and you’re determined to be more conscious of his needs. Eventually, he does pull away and let you look up into his face. He looks much more at peace than you expect. Maybe your hugs do have healing powers like he always says. Mingyu turns to remove the face mask and wipe his face before turning back to you.

“I’m sorry,” you say softly into the space between you. 

“For what?” he asks. 

“For the whole drama that is my family,” you start. “Mostly, for Mimi, though.” 

“Ah,” he says and his face falls a little.

“Gyu, I would never have put you in this position if I had known she would be like this,” you say earnestly. 

“I don’t think anyone could have guessed she’d pull all this,” he says with a humorless laugh.

“You should’ve told me that she was texting you and bugging you like that,” you say without any accusation. You just want to be able to share in his burden.

He only shrugs. “We were with your friends and you looked so happy. I didn’t want to bring it down. How did you even find out she was texting me?” 

“She told me,” you say with an eye roll. 

“Really?”

“Well, she cornered me and asked why I had you on such a tight leash…”

“Kinky,” he interrupts and it nearly makes you choke. 

“And then, when I asked how she even got your number, she told me she’d gone into my phone and taken it,” you say to avoid thinking too deeply about Mingyu and any kinks he might have. 

“Bold,” he observes. 

“Do you like that?” you ask before you can stop yourself.

The second the question comes out of your mouth, you wish you could take it back. What is going on with your brain today? First you’re losing your train of thought watching Mingyu lick something off his finger. Then, you’re wondering about his kinks. Now, you’re wondering if he likes someone that’s a little bit bold. It’s got to just be the atmosphere that you’re in. Or that you’re pretending to date him. It’s messing with your mind and you’re not responsible for the way you act. 

The worst part is that Mingyu’s entire face changes. He gets that knowing look on his face when he meets your eyes. A little cocky. The look that says he knows just how attractive he can be. It’s not usually directed at you and you’re not really sure what to do now that it is. 

“Sometimes,” he says. “Not necessarily from someone I’m not actually interested in, though.” 

“Good to know.” 

Mingyu arches an eyebrow and okay, that’s devastating. Maybe you’re still a little under the influence of the mimosas. There’s no other explanation for the way your knees go a little weak at such a simple movement. “Is it?”

“Huh?” you ask, shaking your head to clear it.

“You said it was good to know and I asked if it was,” he repeats, smirk only deepening.

“Oh, sure,” you say and he seems momentarily surprised. “You know, so I can tell Mimi.”

You’re actually not entirely sure what makes you say it. It’s not like you would ever want him to consider Mimi. It might actually drive you crazy if he went for her. He gets that look on his face that you’re all too familiar with. Affection mixed with exasperation. Nobody seems to get it more than you.

“Too bad for her that I’m very much not interested,” he says. 

“Shame. I don’t know how I would get over the loss.”

“Luckily you don’t have to because you’re stuck with me.”

“Until you actually have a crush on someone again.” 

Even though you say it, you want to take it back as soon as it comes out of your mouth. Images come rushing into your mind of Mingyu falling in love with someone that actually lasts. Someone that could take your best friend away from you. Which should be what you want, right? You should want him to be happy. And you do.  You just can’t really stand the thought of a life where he’s happy without you being right there by his side. This trip makes you think about a lot more than you bargained for. 

“I do have a crush,” he says softly.

“Oh, of course,” you say and look away from him. That’s fine. This is all fine.

His finger is under your chin the next second to pull your face back around to his. It’s the look of patience that you also see a lot. Especially when he’s trying to teach you something in the kitchen. Or explain something from work. Or really just talk about anything he’s passionate about. 

“The crush is on you, dummy,” he says softly. 

“What?” you ask, not sure you heard him correctly. 

With a shake of his head, he steps back to lean against the bathroom. “Of all the times I pictured telling you this, I never considered telling you in the bathroom attached to your old bedroom at your parents’ house.” 

“We don’t…” you start and he shakes his head again.

“No, this probably fits,” he says with a light laugh. The kind when he’s just a little caught off guard himself. “I thought I wanted to tell you after brunch with your friends and, I don’t know, I could be misreading the whole thing, but I think you’re ready to hear it now too. I like you. I’ve been more than happy just to be your friend because I didn’t want to say something before we were both ready. I’m happy to be here as your friend that’s only pretending to date you because I’d do anything to make life easier for you.”

“Mingyu,” you say, so low it’s barely above a whisper. Like you’re afraid to break the quiet in the limited space between you. 

“You don’t have to say…” he starts, only to be interrupted by a loud knock at your bedroom door. 

Your senses are entirely overwhelmed and you wonder what he sees as you look up at him, eyes wide in wonder. Before this, you would say that your brain could process too many things all at the same time. That it always had a million things going on. Now, you can’t seem to do any of that. Can’t focus on anything other than your beautiful best friend before you and the fact that apparently he has feelings for you. You see his mouth move, assume it’s to answer the knock, and have to shake yourself back to reality. Need to come out of this day dream so that you can react to whoever is at the door. 

“Too bad, lovebirds, you have to come downstairs. Attendance for games and cookie decorating is mandatory on Christmas Eve,” your cousin calls back. 

“Mimi, just…” you start to call out to her and Mingyu shakes his head.

“We’ll be right down!” he cuts across you. He waits, seeming like he’s listening for the sound of Mimi walking away from the door. How he can hear anything over the pounding of your heart seems unthinkable. Somehow, he must hear something because he turns back to you with soft eyes and speaks in an even softer voice. “It’s okay, we can talk tonight after dinner or when we come to bed. There’s no pressure for you to even say anything. Our friendship is the most important thing in the world to me.” 

With that, he gives you a quick peck on the top of the head. Something that’s immediately gentler than anything you’ve experienced with him during the entire course of your friendship. The smile he gives you as he steps around you to lead the way down to interact with your family has you go weak in the knees. Has he ever smiled at you like that before? Or is it a new smile? Once upon a time, you would have said that you had every facial expression of his memorized from years spent in each other’s company. Years spent sharing private jokes, going on adventures, complaining about work and family and everything in between. But maybe, you think, there are still things that you can learn about Mingyu. Maybe there are still things that you can learn from him as well. 

When you don’t immediately follow after him, Mingyu turns around to grab your hand and pull you along with him. There’s something about the way he threads his fingers through yours and squeezes that makes your heart pound again before settling down. His touch is gentle, like it always is, and filled with complete care. You don’t notice the way he glances back at you every few steps. Not with concern, but with curiosity. He would have bet he knew your every facial expression and can’t fully place the way you look now. Somehow, even though he can’t completely tell what you’re thinking, he knows that he made the right decision. Knows it was time to tell you what’s been on his mind. Knows that, no matter what, he’s still going to have his best friend on the other side of this trip.

It’s chaos once you and Mingyu get downstairs, like it always is at your parents’ house on Christmas Eve. Though, this definitely seems a little busier than years past. You’re not sure why that is either, but everyone seems to want to join in on the traditions that your parents cling to. In any case, it’s a good thing for you because it lets you just blend into the group of people without your parents paying entirely too much attention to you. Mingyu uses your hand intertwined with his to pull you into him, the way he has countless other times on this trip, and presses a kiss to your temple. Then, he’s off into the kitchen, throwing a joke at your mom about how he’s here now and she doesn’t need to worry. He looks over his shoulder and winks at you as your mother puts him to work mixing ingredients. You honestly don’t even know how you react in response. It must be okay, though, because he smiles back at you.

You love to decorate the cookies and will happily help make them in other situations, but there are already too many cooks in the kitchen. Instead, you help to set up some of the card tables that your parents keep for times like these. It gives people the chance to figure out what they might want to play and who they want to join them. It really is a nice tradition, no matter how you feel about your parents. And since your mother usually spends more time on baking and decorating the cookies, she doesn’t notice if things get a little too competitive between you and the cousins. Or if your father eggs the rest of you on while he watches. She has her favorite parts and lets everyone else do whatever it is they want to do. As long as everyone takes a break to help with decorating the cookies. Not that it’s ever a concern, that’s most people’s favorite part. 

Once the tables are all set up, you settle into a board game with some of your cousins. Usually, you’re one of the more competitive ones. Board games come pretty easily to you and you pick up on the strategy quickly. If your cousins notice that you’re not nearly as invested this time, they let you have it. And they do notice it, pretty quickly, but let you have it. It’s easy to see you’re distracted and to see that you keep glancing into the kitchen at Mingyu. They just let you have it. It’s in their best interest, anyway. It’s nice to get the chance to win without you being fully committed to beating everyone around you. 

This kind of setting really gives you a chance to think without shutting yourself away in your bedroom. That’s too obvious. You can’t just say that your best friend confessed feelings for you and now you need to figure out what your own feelings are. Not when he’s pretending to be your boyfriend already. Not when your whole family already thinks you’re lying about having just gotten together with him. And not when your mother would probably kill you if you missed out on traditions that may be older than you are. 

All the spiralling in your brain is just cover, you realize, for the bigger picture. Mingyu likes you and he thinks this is the right time to have a conversation about it. He also knows that your friendship is the most important. You agree. He’s one of the most important people in your life, but is he more than that to you too? Is it possible that it’s more than friendship? That’s not something you ever considered. When you and Mingyu met in university it was through someone you were dating at the time. The relationship was, fortunately, very short lived. But the friendship with Mingyu, that was the stuff of stories. That instant connection that survived the breakup. The two of you always joke that your friendship was meant to be and that’s why it lasted when the relationship didn’t. Why others could come and go from your lives but you two are forever. Especially when either of you has dated someone that had an issue with the friendship. It’s insane to think that men and women can’t be friends. A completely archaic way of thinking. 

That makes you think about your friendship with Seungkwan, though. Someone in your life who has also always been a constant. Someone who supports all your rights and your wrongs, even if he gives you a hard time too. And that’s when something else clicks. Your past partners haven’t objected to your friendship with Seungkwan nearly as often as your friendship with Mingyu. It’s not that he’s not attractive, because he definitely is. It can’t be that you’re not as close. Seungkwan has been with you through a lot. It could be that there's been more distance between you and him since you moved away, but you’re not sure that’s it either. He’s a constant in your life even from a distance. When you can’t see him, you regularly FaceTime him. So, no, he’s still present even if he’s not in the same city. 

And then it hits you. You don’t watch Seungkwan lick something off his finger while he’s cooking.  You don’t get jealous of your cousin hitting on him, regardless of what else is going on. You don’t seek out physical affection in the same way. Don’t find yourself looking over at Seungkwan for his reaction to everything going on around you. Don’t want to know his thoughts on something before you make each big decision. Seungkwan is your best friend and he means the world to you, but the thought of him constantly kissing you on the cheek or the temple or forehead or even the back of your hand doesn’t unleash butterflies in your stomach. 

Holy shit. You’re in love with Mingyu. Definitely in way over your head with feelings that should have been obvious to you. It’s impossible to pinpoint when it might have happened or how. Maybe there isn’t a specific time. Maybe it’s something that happens slowly over time. You know that when you first became friends it was only that, a friendship. Someone that you could be yourself around and feel at home with in a very foreign environment. Somewhere along the way, it’s morphed into more. He really is the person you want to share all your news with, the person that you look to for support first. It’s so clear to you that your feelings are there now that he’s confessed and gotten you thinking about it. When you meet his eyes across the room, you wonder if he can see the realization on your face. 

Now that you realize that you also have feelings for Mingyu, you’re not sure how you missed it before. If you consider the traits you’re looking for in a partner, he ticks off every box. And if you’re being completely honest, he’s been the reason for adding some traits to your list. So, not that you’ll admit this to any of your most recent exes, but maybe they had a point when they questioned your relationship with Mingyu. Not a big point. They still had shitty reasons for disliking Mingyu, but a small point nonetheless. 

The rest of the evening seems to go by entirely too slowly, even if you do enjoy yourself. Much to the dismay of your cousins, you’re no longer distracted and you proceed to kick their asses at any game they suggest. You do go a little easier on them than normal, though, and avoid any of the trash talk. Thankfully Seungkwan isn’t there to point out that being in a good mood makes you soft. Even decorating the cookies is more fun than you can remember. You try not to think about whether that’s because Mingyu sits right next to you the whole time, trying to sabotage your cookie designs or make you laugh with his own. Spoiler alert: it absolutely is and you’re already down horrendous. It’s even easier to act like a cute couple in love now than it was before. And you also ignore the realization that it being so easy to pretend to be in a relationship with your best friend should have also been an indicator. Nobody ever said you were the most observant when it came to your own feelings. 

Finally, you get a free moment to go upstairs. It’s time to get changed for Christmas Eve dinner and that gives you both the chance to excuse yourselves. The only person who seems to be tracking the movement with some amount of interest is Mimi. You’re too caught up in reaching out for Mingyu’s hand to notice, though. His smile at the action is immediately familiar and new. Familiar because you know his face better than your own and new because you didn’t expect to see him looking at you like that.

“I didn’t expect your mom to have me working so hard in the kitchen helping with the cookie dough,” he says once you close the door. 

“Oh, I did,” you say through a snort. 

“How was the - “ 

“You were right.” 

You both go to speak at the same time and Mingyu’s mouth closes the second he realizes what you said. Whatever he wants to ask dies on his tongue over three words from your mouth. They might just be the second best three words you could say to him right then. 

“About?” he prompts. 

“It was the right time to tell me,” you confirm for him. It’s clear that he’s biting his tongue to let you say whatever you need to. Even if he knows by the look on your face. “I like you too.” 

“Thank fucking god,” he says with an exhale. “When Seungkwan told me that I should tell you because he caught you watching me, I thought he was being a shit and…”

“Wait, what?” you ask. Fucking Seungkwan. Of course.

“Oh, yeah, at brunch earlier he said that he noticed you watching me while I was cooking and that if I liked you like he thought I did, that I should probably tell you,” he says a little sheepishly. 

“You know what? Forget Seungkwan. I need to see something,” you say and close the space between you. 

Before Mingyu can ask anything, you’re on your tiptoes, hands cupping his face and lips pressed to his. He wraps his arms around your lower back to pull you tighter against his body without missing a beat. And that really is all you need to know. Everything is in that first real kiss. Any lingering hesitations slip away. You can feel his promises and the answers to the questions you know you’ll have to actually ask in that kiss. For now, it just feels like coming home. Like you found the person that can get through all the bullshit and remind you about what’s actually important in life. 

“Wow,” you say when you pull away.

“Yeah,” he agrees. 

“Is that what I’ve been missing out on?” you wonder.

“Just how long have you liked me?” he says with an all too knowing smirk. 

“I only realized today so I’ve got some catch up to do,” you joke. 

“We both do, I think,” he says. 

Without having to say a word, both of you get ready for Christmas dinner since your mother insists that you get dressed up. Every few seconds one of you seems to catch the other looking. It feels exciting, but you’re also a little shy. There’s a lot to talk about and a lot to navigate. You know you can’t put it aside. It just doesn’t feel as time sensitive now. This is one of the most important people in your life and it’s going to work out. At least, if you can get through the whole drawn out affair that is dinner first. 

Which you do. Through all your mother’s courses and all the formality that she insists on following, you have Mingyu by your side. You’re not even distracted by Mimi on the other side of the table. She can’t seem to take her eyes off you while you and Mingyu can’t take your eyes off each other. More than once, you entirely miss a question and Mingyu has to nudge you to prompt you. It’s not your fault, you reason. He’s just so insanely attractive and made all the more so because you know that he’s a genuinely wonderful person. 

Every part of you wants to skip the after dinner drinks and go back upstairs with Mingyu, but he quietly insists that you should stay. Even laughs when you turn his signature pout back around on him. If he makes a good point that you have nothing but time, you still want to take advantage of some of that time right now. Instead, you sip on your rumchata and curl into Mingyu on the oversized armchair by the fire. Despite trying to leave a little bit of space, you’re basically sitting on his lap at his own insistence. 

Once the first people start to call it a night, you look at Mingyu with nearly pleading eyes. That gets a light laugh out of him as he nods to agree that you can go upstairs to your bedroom. You say your goodnights to everyone in the room, wish people a Happy Christmas Eve, and lead the way back up to your room even though he doesn’t need the directions 

It’s nice to have uninterrupted time to figure everything out with Mingyu now that your feelings are out in the open. And once you’re both changed and through your skincare routines, you get into bed just to talk. It’s remarkable how much can fall into place so easily. It’s obvious that he figured out his feelings first. You insist that yours are already just as strong. The two of you depend on each other in everything without realizing it. Turn to each other for support. Share in all the best news. Suffer through any heartbreak together. In the years of friendship, there’s something deeper than either of you ever expected.

Honestly, it’s not even something either of you just held onto or harbored for years. The feelings really came suddenly. Mingyu shares that he wasn’t just waiting around to tell you that he had feelings for you. He also shares, though you already know, that no part of him felt entitled to your returned feelings. Had Seungkwan not said something, he’s not even sure if or when he would have said something. The last thing he would ever want was to make you uncomfortable. As much as he cares about you and wants to explore the relationship, you’re also the best friend he’s ever had. You feel the same. It’s a little scary and exciting at the same time. You trust Mingyu with your heart in a way that you’ve never trusted anyone else.

It’s entirely too late into the night by the time you and Mingyu fall asleep. How the two of you have so much to say at this point in the friendship is something to be studied. But, eventually you drift off, completely intertwined with Mingyu. He’s been a cuddler this whole trip and you’re not sure how he’s gotten himself even more attached to you. Yet, he does. It’s like any space between you would be too much. It’s too much satisfaction to give him that he’s right. He can tell anyway. 

When you wake up, it feels too early. A fact only confirmed when you check your phone. None of the little cousins or your cousins with kids are staying at your parents’ house. So, you know that it doesn’t have to be an early start to the morning. You consider if you can drift off back to sleep. In the night, you ended up with Mingyu spooning you. His arm is loosely draped over you and your back is pressed somewhat lightly into his chest. When you go to adjust to think about drifting back off, your ass brushes against his hips, you feel something press into you. That stops you for a moment. Obviously, you and Mingyu talked about sex the night before. About how you wanted to try to take it a little slower since this means so much to both of you. And obviously you know that it’s relatively common for a guy to wake up a little hard. Your brain knows all those things. Knows what you should do. You should just reposition and go back to sleep. 

That’s not what you actually do though. 

So carefully that it could be an accident, you wiggle against him, a little harder this time. You yawn like you’re actually just adjusting to get comfortable and fall back asleep. He might let you get away with it, too, if you didn’t do it more than once, pressing further back into him each time. You know he’s awake by the sharp intake of breath and then the way he moves his hand to grip your thigh. The way his fingertips dig into your skin there makes you grind back harder without pretending it’s anything else. 

Mingyu puts his lips to your ear. “Are you trying to drive me crazy?” 

“No,” you whisper. 

“I thought we said we were going to take it slow,” he says with incredible difficulty.

“I can move slower,” you answer immediately. It feels gratifying when he snaps his hips into your ass. 

“You’re teasing me,” he whines.

“Not if I follow through,” you say. “I want you, Mingyu. I don’t want to wait.” 

“Fuck,” he hisses as you continue to grind into him. “I want you to.” 

“Then…” you start and immediately cut off as his hand winds back around to your front. He grabs your pussy through your shorts that suddenly feel too flimsy. Runs his long middle finger up your core and you immediately know you started something that he’s going to finish. 

But his hand is gone entirely too quickly. Worse still, he pulls back. It’s only long enough for him to turn you towards him and then pull you on top of him. Your brain catches back up once you’re straddle over him and he pulls your face towards him. You kiss him like you haven’t yet. Full of desire and desperation. Nothing like the first few kisses you share. Those kisses were to make sure this was right. This kiss is to ruin him. Maybe to ruin yourself as well. His hands are on your hips, anchoring you to him, not that there’s anywhere else you could possibly be. 

It’s never been like this with anyone. Just some heavy kissing and you’re already getting turned on. Already wondering what’s next. What it’s going to feel like. If Mingyu is the type of person that will take his time with you. It’s hard to imagine when he seems just as desperate as you are. At least, he tries to anchor you in a certain position so that you can’t grind too much. Maybe he does want to savor it. You really are down horrendous for this man because you think you could just kiss him like this forever and never quite get enough. 

All too soon, Mingyu rolls the pair of you over again. Now he’s hovering over you and nobody has any business being that hot. And then he pulls back, somewhat straddling your legs without putting too much weight on you. In one movement, he pulls his shirt over his head and casts it aside. Okay, now you really think that nobody has any business being that hot. And sure, you’ve seen him shirtless before. This is just different. You don’t even realize as he’s reaching for your shirt until you feel his fingers brush the skin of your stomach. He’s looking for permission, but you’re a little impatient and pull the shirt off yourself. You’re not sure that anyone has ever looked at your body with so much love. Like he’s just as amazed as you are. He peppers your chest and your chest and your stomach with kisses. Showing you just how much he loves every bit of you. It’s the safest feeling in the world and you’re not really sure how you got this lucky. 

Mingyu is so gentle when he pulls your shorts off. Trails kisses along your thighs as well and makes you shiver. Chuckles when he pulls his own off and you swallow at the sight of him. He’s a big guy and somehow you’re still not expecting his dick to be big like it is. Haven’t ever really thought about it in all the time you’ve been friends. You expect him to be all confident seeing your reaction. There’s something else there too, though. Like he’s a little nervous about this. You’re not really sure what to say to reassure him, so you just pull him back to you to kiss him again. He adjusts into you almost immediately, half laying on top of you while still making sure that he’s not crushing you.

This time kissing him is very different, though. He moves one hand between your legs. It’s gentle at first. He only runs his finger up your center a few times. Catches each moan with his kisses. Slowly works a finger inside you and pumps at a languid pace. It turns you into a whiny, squirming mess entirely too quickly. Empties any thoughts or worries out of your head. You know you can’t be too loud and you hate it. Nobody should be able to kiss this well while also hitting the perfect spot with each pass of his fingers. He adds a second finger and you’re sure that you’re done for. Sure that nothing else will ever feel as perfect as him again. You reach to stroke him and he pulls back. 

“What’s wrong?” you ask, unable to hide the concern in your voice.

“No, nothing,” he assures you quickly. “I just, um, well I really want to fuck you and I’m not sure I could handle it if…”

“Do you have a condom?” you ask, already ready to say it doesn’t matter if you have to.

“I might?” he says more like a question and gets off the bed to cross to his bag with too much speed. In any other situation you might laugh. Now, you just want to feel him. A moment later, after rifling through his bag, he comes back up with one. 

He’s moving back to you, unwrapping the condom, and then he looks up at you. There’s a question in his eyes.

“Yes, Mingyu, I want this. And yes, I want it here,” you assure him. 

Thankfully, that’s the only confirmation he needs. In the next second, he’s pumping himself a few times and rolling the rubber onto himself. You move to reposition, but he doesn’t let you. He gently presses you back and gets between your legs. Carefully, he lines himself up and presses in. 

“Oh fuck,” you hiss out, trying to stay quiet. 

“Too much?” he asks and stills.

“No, Gyu, just move, please,” you whine out, pulling him into you. 

He does exactly what you ask and snaps his hips so he’s fully buried inside you. It’s a stretch in the best way. Like this is exactly how it’s supposed to be. You can’t help it, you moan out the first time he thrusts and he catches the second moan with another bruising kiss. Probably better to have bruised lips than to have your family hear the screams you let out as he fucks you. Probably better than having them hear his moans as well. They vibrate through his chest and it gives you a sense of pride. Mingyu is a taker in every sense of his life. You know that it must be killing him to keep quiet now. 

The two of you fall into a perfect rhythm without even trying. There’s nothing awkward about it being your first time. Knowing each other as well as you do as friends seems to translate here. Or maybe Mingyu just pays much closer attention to you than you realize. You run your nails down his back and his thrusts stutter so you do it again. That seems to get to him. He picks up the paces of his thrusts. Pulls his dick almost all the way out of you before quickly snapping his hips to bury himself in your pussy again. Never in your life has sex as simple as this position felt so good. Never has anyone you’ve dated felt this perfect. 

When Mingyu’s thrusts start to stutter, you reach down between your bodies to rub your clit. Seconds later, your pussy clenches around Mingyu and your vision whites out. You can feel Mingyu release and try to pick up the pace to work him through his own orgasm. He half collapses on you, breathing heavy. Both of you have to catch your breath from all the kisses to muffle the noises as well. He tries to roll over so that he’s not on top of you and you cling to him, not ready to lose contact just yet.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he assures you.

“I know.” 

“That was…” 

“Better than I was expecting.” 

You can feel his eyes on you even without looking and it makes you smile. Can imagine what he’s about to say before he even opens his mouth.

“Oh, you didn’t think I’d be any good?” 

You laugh at that as you turn to face him. “No, I thought you’d be good. I just didn’t expect our first time where we had to be quiet because we’re in my parents house to be that good.” 

He considers your words for a second.

“I guess I can take that,” he concedes. 

“Come on. We have to clean up and get downstairs,” you say and he sighs dramatically. But, then he gets up and helps you up with him. 

Half an hour later, you’re downstairs at the kitchen table sipping on a peppermint mocha latte and picking out your favorite pastries from the spread your mother has out. Mingyu has his chair pulled close to you and his arm along the back of your chair. Your cousin is sitting on your other side, cheerily humming under her breath. In a strange move, she isn’t even trying to speak to Mingyu. Just as you’re trying to figure out what’s going on with her, she turns to you.

“Have a good morning?” she asks knowingly.

“We’ll talk about it later,” you hiss back, casting your eyes around. 

“No need,” she waves off and shoots a smirk at you. “I got exactly what I wanted.” 

“I don’t…” 

“Seungkwan and I have been talking a lot. Plotting, I guess you could say. Seems like it finally paid off,” she says and your jaw hangs open. 

“Are you…did you just…” you stutter out. 

“As long as it’s real now,” she says and doesn’t wait for confirmation. Doesn’t need it, when it’s written all over your face. “We can talk about it later but I am sorry.” 

“You and fucking Seungkwan,” you grumble. 

It is a weight off your chest, though. Mimi has always been your favorite. A safe space in all the insanity of your family. It’s good to know that she’s still that for you. The two of you can argue about her methods, or her alliance with Seungkwan, later. It’s hard to ignore that it did actually help. You’re in this place because some of your favorite people meddled to help you and Mingyu see sense. Maybe you can say all is well that ends well. 

In between all the chaos of breakfast and making sure the presents are under the tree, you manage to tell Mingyu about what Mimi had really been up to. He seems relieved. Not even annoyed, just happy that things can settle into whatever the new normal looks like for you and him. You also find time to whisper all the things you want to do to him when there aren’t prying eyes around. It may be cruel, but you delight in the way the blush rises up his cheeks and the way he shifts in his seat. You’re going to have a lot of fun playing with him, you already know. He’s so easy to rile up. Now you have brand new material to use on him. 

Your mother works to corral everyone into the living room where the Christmas tree is so that people can start opening presents. You always hold back and watch at first. Don’t even make an effort to find anything that might be for you. It’s more fun to see people’s reactions. Does your mother like what your father picked out? Are your cousins humoring their parents? Did someone manage to get something that’s genuinely a surprise? There’s never a dull moment. In fact, you’re so lost in thought watching that you don't notice wasn’t beside you until he plops back down and nudges you. Hands a small, beautifully wrapped box over to you. 

“Go on, open it,” he urges you softly. It’s clear he’s trying not to draw too much attention. 

Exchanging gifts with Mingyu isn’t new. It’s something you do every year. This is unexpected though. Usually you exchange gifts away from other people because they can be a little silly. Nothing about this feels silly, though. With a final questioning glance at him, you pull the ribbon off and carefully ripping the paper. It’s immediately clear that it’s a jewelry box. That makes your heart hammer. You can’t even look over at him. Surely this is something he had already. It’s not like there’s been any time to go out and get something in the midst of all your confessions. 

There’s a necklace inside the box. Something that looks old, important. The kind of thing you can tell has been well worn and loved without looking cheap. There’s a pendant hanging from the chain with your favorite stone in a setting that you instantly love. It’s the most perfect gift that anyone has ever given you and it makes you a little emotional. You turn to Mingyu, tears welling in your eyes, and want to have the moment just for the two of you. Unfortunately, your mother and several other family members watch your reaction.

“It’s beautiful,” you say softly.

“Do you like it?” he asks, still unsure.

“I love it,” you say earnestly.

“It was my grandmother’s that she got from her grandmother before her. She told me to hold onto it and that I would just know when I should give it to someone,” he says and that does you in. Any last resolve disappears. 

The only response you can think of is to just kiss him. A real kiss pressed to his lips full of all the words you can’t say about how much a present like this means to you. How sure you are that you two are making the right decision. It’s so meaningful. 

“I love you,” he says quietly, trying to keep it just for the two of you. Which doesn’t happen. Not that it matters. Your parents have heard you saying you loved each other this whole trip. It means something different now, though.

“I love you, too,” you say back. “So much.” 

“It’s a beautiful necklace,” your mother offers as Mingyu helps you to put it on. 

“I thought it would look good on her,” he adds to your mother. 

“Almost as good as a ring,” your mother says. It’s the least subtle comment in the entire world.

Mingyu doesn’t miss a beat. Just smiles and nods a little. “Well, maybe you’ll have to invite me back next year and see what the gift is.” 

“You have a deal.” 

For the first time, you’re not upset with your mother for bringing up marriage and the idea of settling down. You’re just basking in the affection coming from Mingyu and appreciating your new necklace. Soon, you’ll have to leave this little bubble. Trade the idyllic snow covered scenery where everything moves a little slower for your life back in the city. But, you’ll be taking a different relationship with Mingyu back. You think that maybe he’ll be the key to you finally figuring out how to balance it all. Maybe he’s been the answer all along. 

[luxerians]

The Last Mask (09)

Hwang In-ho/Oh Young-il/Player 001 x Reader

Chapter 09 - Purpose

Story Masterlist

NEXT : Chapter 10

PREV : Chapter 08

For a moment, you felt yourself drifting, caught between sleep and wakefulness. Or maybe you were already asleep. But then, after what felt like twenty minutes, you heard movement. Someone stepped cautiously on your mattress, careful not to touch you, and Jun-hee’s voice broke the quiet.

“Mr. Seong, I need to use the bathroom.”

“It’s too dangerous to go by yourself,” Gi-hun replied immediately.

You stirred, sitting up slowly with groggy eyes. “I’ll go with you.”

“It’s okay, big sis,” Jun-hee replied, sounding a little guilty for waking you.

Shaking off your drowsiness, you carefully got up from the mattress.

“I needed to go to the restroom too, actually,” you said which was a lie. You just wanted to accompany the pregnant Jun-hee.

Jun-hee hesitated for a moment before nodding. With that, Gi-hun stepped aside, giving you both room to pass as you headed toward the door to the ladies’ restroom.

“Oh, we can go together,” a voice chimed in.

You and Jun-hee turned to see player 149 – the mother – walking over with a wide grin. She moved toward you two with a relaxed stride through the open area of the dormitory. Both you and Jun-hee bowed your heads politely as she joined you.

The three of you reached the restroom door, and Jun-hee knocked softly. When there was no immediate response, she knocked again, a little louder this time. Finally, the circular window on the door slid open, revealing a triangle-masked guard who peered out at you all in silence.

“We need to use the bathroom,” stated Jun-hee.

“No,” the guard answered solemnly. “Entry and exit are restricted at this time.”

Jun-hee added, “Please. I’m not feeling very well.”

The guard repeated, “No. Entry and exit are restricted at this time.”

Player 149 rushed to move in front of Jun-hee, deciding to talk to the guard herself. “Look. Mr. Triangle, even though you’re wearing a weird mask, you’re still human, aren’t you? In the outside world, you might have a sister like them and a mom like me. When ladies say they need to use the bathroom, it’s for reasons they can’t tell you.”

You and Jun-hee rapidly nodded your head.

“If you can’t understand that, you shouldn’t even call yourself human,” said the mother. “You really shouldn’t.”

Suddenly, the guard closed the window without a word, shutting the three of you out.

The mother’s voice broke the silence, frail and filled with emotion. “Listen. Ever since I entered my 60s, I’ve had bladder control issues. I can’t go out without wearing a diaper, but I couldn’t bring any of the things I need here. Do you really have to make me wet myself?

“Imagine if I was your mother, Mr. Triangle. You wouldn’t do that to your mother. I came here because of my son’s debt. I should at least get to pee when I want, shouldn’t I?”

Her voice rose as she cried out, “What did I do in my previous life to deserve—”

Before she could finish, the door swung open, revealing a triangle-masked guard holding their weapon. The mother’s face lit up with gratitude as she grinned appreciatively.

As the three of you stepped past the door, another presence approached from behind. You turned to see player 120.

“Can I come too?” she asked the guard directly.

Jun-hee gave her a long stare but the mother quickly spoke up. “Oh, that’s okay. She’s a woman. Her name is Hyun-ju.”

She’s the one I was hiding behind during Red Light, Green Light. So her name is Hyun-ju, you thought.

The four of you were guided by another triangle guard to the ladies’ restroom. Along the way, the mother walked close to Jun-hee, gently asking about her family and if her parents might be worried about her.

Jun-hee’s reply was distant. “I don’t have any. I have no parents.”

The words hung in the air, heavy and uncomfortable. The mother’s concern didn’t waver. Once inside the restroom, she turned to Jun-hee again. “If you need help with anything, just let me know.”

Jun-hee hesitated before she said, “It’s okay.”

She turned and entered the cubicle. You couldn’t help but notice that Jun-hee seemed comfortable with you but kept a distance from player 149. Her earlier words played in your mind, and you figured she’d never experienced a mother’s love. Having someone act so caringly toward her must have felt strange, maybe even overwhelming. It was no surprise she’d pull away.

“Is she sick or something?” Hyun-ju asked lowly, glancing between you and the mother.

The mother stepped closer to her and whispered, “She’s pregnant.”

Hyun-ju’s jaw dropped, her gaze snapping to Jun-hee’s cubicle. The mother added, “I think she’s almost due.”

She then turned her attention to you. “Did you know?”

You nodded. “She told me and the others. We took her in instantly.”

The mother sighed, a look of relief crossing her face. “I’m glad. I can see you and the other guys have been taking good care of her.”

Her tone shifted, growing more urgent. “If you notice anything wrong with her, like she’s sick, unwell, or if her water breaks, please let me know. I’ve handled childbirths a few times in the past.”

You smiled warmly and nodded. “I will.”

The mother returned your smile, hers even warmer, before she headed into a nearby cubicle. You glanced at Hyun-ju, who was still staring at Jun-hee’s cubicle. Her expression was hard to read, but you couldn’t help but think she looked a little shocked, maybe even guilty. Perhaps the thought of voting for O, knowing there was a pregnant girl among the players, was weighing on her.

After finishing your business, you stepped out of the cubicle and noticed Hyun-ju at the sink, washing her hands and face. You joined her, standing side by side as you began to wash up as well.

The silence between you felt heavy, even though you were only inches apart. You wondered if she was distant because of her recent experiences after transitioning. It seemed like she only trusted the teammates she’d worked with during the Seven Legs Hexathlon. Maybe she was wary of you too.

Player 149 emerged from her cubicle and went to wash her hands. As she finished, her gaze shifted toward Jun-hee’s cubicle.

“Is she still in there?” she asked.

You and Hyun-ju both nodded. “Yeah.”

That’s when you realized Jun-hee had been in there for quite a while. Concern began to settle in. Stepping away from the sink, you watched as the mother approached the door and knocked gently.

“Miss? Are you alright?” she called. When there was no response, she knocked again, her tone growing more worried. “Are you okay in there? Is something wrong?”

You moved closer, your concern deepening. The mother pressed her ear against the door, listening carefully. Then you heard it. Faint sobs and quiet whimpers.

The mother slowly pushed the door open. From where you stood, you couldn’t see Jun-hee clearly, but the sound of her crying was unmistakable now that the door was ajar.

Player 149 hurried inside, her voice full of concern. “Oh dear. What’s wrong? Are you in pain? Is your belly hurting?”

You stepped forward until you were standing just outside the door. Jun-hee sat on the toilet, her posture slumped. It seemed like she’d finished her business long ago but had stayed in the cubicle. Her quiet sobs tugged at your heart, and you frowned, deeply worried for her.

“Oh, no. Your baby must be coming,” the mother assumed, crouching in front of Jun-hee. She gently placed a hand on her belly while rubbing her shoulder comfortingly. “Listen, tell me where and how it hurts.”

Jun-hee kept her gaze fixed downward, her tears falling freely. Her pale face was flushed from crying, and she didn’t look up at the mother. Her voice came out in a broken whimper. “I’m scared…”

Your chest tightened at her words. You could tell this wasn’t about labor. She wasn’t due to give birth. She was terrified. For herself, for her unborn baby. The fear of dying in this game while carrying her child finally exploded the moment she got a moment of privacy.

The mother leaned forward, wrapping Jun-hee in a full embrace. Finally, Jun-hee gave in, leaning into her comfort, her sobs muffled against the mother’s shoulder. The older woman began consoling her softly. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

Your heart warmed at the sight of Jun-hee finally giving in to the mother’s affection. You didn’t dare to intervene because she needed this. She needed a mother figure to soothe her fears and worries. Jun-hee might have never experienced a mother’s love before, but now she finally had it.

Aside from that, watching Jun-hee cry so openly, held tightly in the mother’s arms, stirred something deep within you. Your eyes began to brim with tears. The scene made you miss your own mother terribly. The longing to see your parents, to embrace them, overwhelmed you. The thought of being so close to never seeing them again, to never telling them everything you’d always wanted to say, hit you like a wave. And then there was Ji-yoo. Small and fragile, so much like Jun-hee.

If you die in this game, who will take care of Ji-yoo and your parents?

A tear slid down your cheek before you even noticed. You quickly wiped it away, hoping no one saw. From the corner of your eye, you caught Hyun-ju walking closer. She stopped a few steps away, her expression one of quiet astonishment as she watched the mother and Jun-hee.

Once Jun-hee had calmed down, her face still red and streaked with dried tears, she and the mother stepped out of the cubicle. Without hesitation, you pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her close to your chest. Her pregnant belly pressed gently against your abdomen.

Jun-hee accepted your embrace and began sobbing again, her quiet sniffles muffled against your shoulder. Beside you, the mother reached out, patting Jun-hee’s back and your shoulder in a soothing gesture.

“Everything will be okay,” you murmured softly, brushing Jun-hee’s hair with your fingers. “We’ll prioritize you no matter what. You have a mother here who’s so worried about you. You have me. And you have a bunch of caring uncles. We’ll protect you and your baby.”

Jun-hee sniffled, nodding slightly into your shoulder, her grip on you tightening as if to draw strength from your words.

The four of you exited the restroom together. You kept one arm around Jun-hee’s shoulders as you made your way back into the darkened dormitory. The mother walked alongside you while Hyun-ju lingered awkwardly behind. Her concern was evident but she was hesitant. She seemed unsure whether Jun-hee would accept comfort from her.

Gi-hun, still on watch, noticed you immediately. His wide, bewildered eyes followed your small group as he got up from his seat on the floor.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” he asked, his voice laced with worry.

The mother rested a gentle hand on your back, helping guide you and Jun-hee toward your sleeping spot.

“It’s nothing,” she reassured him, her tone calm but firm. “The little lady here was just overwhelmed. But I’m sure you and the others will take good care of her.”

The mother stopped beside Gi-hun, her gaze following his as he watched Jun-hee. You helped Jun-hee lie down on her mattress, pulling her blanket up to her chest as she gently rested her hands on her belly. In a soothing voice, you told her, “Go to sleep, Jun-hee. Let’s do our best tomorrow.”

Jun-hee’s teary eyes met yours, and she nodded without speaking. Turning to her side, she closed her eyes, her breathing gradually evening out.

The mother nodded approvingly, placing a reassuring hand on Gi-hun’s back. She then said softly, “In that case, I’ll head back to bed now.”

She turned to you, her tone serious. “If anything happens to her, tell me immediately.”

You stood up from beside Jun-hee and stepped closer to the mother. Offering her a warm smile, you replied, “Yes, I will. Thank you for everything.”

“It’s nothing,” she said with a light wave of her hand. “Good night, then.”

You and Gi-hun nodded as she turned and walked toward her bed. Hyun-ju followed behind, likely because her spot was near the mother’s.

Gi-hun turned to you before he nodded to your spot and said calmly. “Go back to sleep. I’m still keeping watch.”

You nodded and settled onto your mattress, watching as Gi-hun returned to his spot, blocking the only path leading into your group's sleeping area. He sat with his back hunched a bit, his eyes focused on the darkened dormitory.

You were about to lie down when your gaze lingered on his back. Questions churned in your mind, ones you’d been wanting to ask but never found the right moment. His solemn, brooding demeanor had always made you hesitate.

But now, with the dormitory quiet and the others asleep, it felt like the perfect time to finally ask.

“Gi-hun,” you called softly, making sure to use his ssi honorific. He turned his head, glancing at you over his shoulder with a look of mild surprise, likely wondering why you weren’t asleep. Crawling off your mattress, you settled next to him, crossing your legs as you spoke. “Can I ask you a few questions?”

His solemn expression softened slightly as he nodded. “Yeah, what is it?”

You hugged your knees to your chest, hesitating before continuing. “I’m sorry if this brings up bad memories, but… what was your last time here like?”

Gi-hun’s eyes widened, and he stared at you, unblinking. He seemed caught off guard, as though the question had taken him somewhere he didn’t want to return to.

Trying to explain yourself, you added, “I want to know because… you seem very distant. Like you don’t want to be close to anyone here. But at the same time, you’re always trying to save everyone.”

He looked away, his gaze dropping to the floor. His face took on a somber look that made your chest tighten. For a moment, you regretted asking. Quickly, you tried to backtrack. “Or… you don’t have to tell me. I’m just curious. Maybe you could just tell me what games you played here?”

Gi-hun stayed silent, and you couldn’t tell if he was sad or simply unwilling to answer. The weight of his unresponsiveness made you frown slightly, a pang of disappointment settling in your chest. Perhaps the bond you thought was forming wasn’t as strong as you’d hoped. Despite his offer to help with your debt, his walls were clearly still up.

Forcing a small smile, you turned your gaze forward and tried to lighten the mood. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have asked. Good night, Gi-hun.”

“I had a few friends here,” he said suddenly, his voice breaking the silence. You turned to look at him, surprised he’d decided to speak. His gaze remained fixed on the floor as he continued, “When I was here last time, I made friends. We were a group. We ate dinner together. We got to know each other’s names. We tried to survive as a group.”

His voice grew quieter. “But in the end, it didn’t matter. This place makes you choose between yourself and everyone else. And no matter how much you want to protect someone, it’s never enough.”

He paused, taking a deep breath, as though trying to steady himself. “We played Red Light, Green Light first. Then Dalgona. After that, Tug of War, Marbles…”

His voice faltered, and his hands twitched slightly.

You waited, sensing there was more he wasn’t saying. Finally, he added, “By the end, it was just me and one other person. He… he was my best friend. But the last game…”

Gi-hun trailed off, his gaze fixed on the floor as if the memories were playing out there in front of him. You waited, giving him the space to continue. After about ten seconds, he finally spoke again. “This place turns everyone into something they’re not. It doesn’t matter how strong your friendship is. The games are designed to break it.”

“You said everyone here died except you as the winner,” you pointed out cautiously. “But I thought you could leave with a share of the prize if the majority votes for X.”

“In my time playing here, there was no such thing as a voting process after each game,” Gi-hun explained, his tone steady but heavy. “We had the same Clause Three in the consent form, but if we left, we got nothing.”

Your eyes widened in disbelief. “What? You wouldn’t get a share if you left?”

Gi-hun turned to you, his expression serious as he nodded. “Yeah. After Red Light, Green Light, a lot of us voted to leave, and we did. But we got nothing. I was desperate, so I came back. Turned out, everyone else came back too.”

“So…” you stared off into space, processing his words. “They updated this game’s rules. Leaving with a share of the prize money is actually a new thing.”

Gi-hun nodded solemnly. “Yeah. And I have a feeling why the overseer of this game made that change.”

You leaned in slightly, curiosity burning in your chest. “Why?”

Gi-hun’s eyes flicked to the large TV screen above the double doors. “He wanted to prove to me that it’s not the games’ fault that the players die. It’s the players themselves. They’re the ones who choose to stay in this game, no matter how much they earn or how high the stakes get.”

Silence fell between you as his words sank in. The weight of his statements settled heavily in your mind, stirring even more questions. But you held them back, not wanting to push him further.

“Who is… the overseer of this game?” you asked carefully, your voice barely above a whisper.

Gi-hun kept his gaze fixed ahead, his expression unreadable. “The one who controls this game. I’m sure the guards call him Captain.”

“Gi-hun,” you pressed, staring at him with a mix of curiosity and concern. “How do you know so much?”

He turned to you, his solemn eyes meeting yours. “I came back here for a reason. I will do whatever it takes to prove to this ‘Captain’… that the world has changed.”

You blinked at him, taken aback by the weight of his words. “Have you met this Captain?”

“Not directly,” he replied, his voice growling with restrained fury. “But he saw us like horses. Trashes, he said. We are just mere trashes to him.”

You turned your gaze away, your stomach churning at the thought. That’s all you are to them? Trash? The word made you feel small and insignificant. But then you caught the faintest sigh from Gi-hun, and when you glanced back, he was already staring at you.

“What?” you asked curiously.

His features softened slightly, and you felt a faint warmth radiate from his expression. It was like watching a heavy storm give way to the first rays of sunlight, momentary but impactful. You tilted your head to the side and blinked your eyes innocently.

“You know,” he began, his tone less severe now, “you remind me of someone.”

Your curiosity piqued. “Who?”

He leaned back slightly, his gaze distant as if recalling a memory. “A friend I met in my previous game. His name was Ali. He was kind, selfless, smiling. And strong. I almost died on my first Red Light, Green Light.”

He stretched his right arm out, forming a fist as he demonstrated. “I tripped on a corpse and stumbled, but he held me up by my collar. We froze like that. If it weren’t for him, I would have died.”

You watched him silently, noticing how his face softened at the memory. There was a quiet warmth in his expression, a rare glimpse of something lighter amidst the darkness. He retracted his arm and rested his forearms back on his raised knees.

“He must have been a kind guy,” you said softly.

“One of the kindest I’ve ever met,” Gi-hun replied. “He trusted too easily, though.”

You tilted your head slightly in innocent curiosity. “Is that why I reminded you of him? Because I trust too easily?”

Gi-hun turned to look at you, a faint smile forming at the corners of his lips. “No. It’s because you’re all smiles and helpful, even in this dark place.”

He paused, his smile fading slightly as he added, “He didn’t make it. But he showed me that even in the darkest times, there’s room for kindness.”

His words struck a chord, and a smile naturally formed on your lips. His own smile widened. What you didn’t realize was how much you reminded him of himself – back when he was bright, optimistic, and full of hope. In you, he saw a glimpse of the person he used to be.

Unbeknownst to the two of you, another presence loomed in the shadows. From his sleeping spot under the bed, Young-il lay awake. He had heard every word as he remained utterly still. The soft hum of the dormitory masked his presence, leaving you and Gi-hun oblivious to the silent observer just a few spaces away.

“Now go to sleep,” Gi-hun urged, his smile fading slightly. “If you want to keep watch later, you’d better get enough rest beforehand.”

“Yes, sir,” you replied playfully as you turned and crawled back to your mattress. “Good night.”

Gi-hun let out a soft sigh, the kind that hinted at exhaustion or maybe a bit of awkwardness from acting friendly after being so solemn for so long. Still, he muttered, “Night.”

Settling onto your mattress, you pulled the blanket snugly to your chest. Out of habit, your gaze drifted to your left where Young-il lay. The small, single-bed-sized mattresses meant everyone was fairly close, but his presence felt especially near.

Young-il was lying straight on his back, his forearms resting on his abdomen, his eyes closed. Even in sleep, there was something about his posture that made him seem oddly alert. It was like he was always ready for something.

You quickly looked away, turning to lie on your side, your back now facing him. Shutting your eyes, you tried to quiet your thoughts and focus on falling asleep.

A gentle shake stirred you from your sleep. A large hand rested lightly on your shoulder, nudging you awake. Then came a voice, calm and steady, calling your name:

“Sorry to disturb you, but if you’re too tired, it’s fine. I can cover your shift.”

You stirred, groaning softly as the sting of sleepiness hit you. Reluctantly, you opened your eyes, blinking against the dim light. Turning your head, you saw Young-il kneeling beside your mattress, his hand still resting gently on your shoulder. His gaze was calm but insistent, waiting for your response.

The fog of sleep clung to you, making it feel as though you’d been dragged out of a deep, comforting slumber. Your first thought was to tell him you were too exhausted to stay up. But then you remembered why you’d volunteered in the first place. What kind of person would you be if you backed out now?

Forcing yourself upright, you groggily rubbed your eyes, still struggling to shake off the weight of sleep. Young-il leaned back slightly, giving you space as your blanket slipped down to your thighs. You glanced around, trying to orient yourself. You then noticed Gi-hun already sleeping under the bed on your right side.

“Go back to sleep,” he said softly, patting your shoulder. Before you could respond, he grabbed your blanket and pulled it back up over your chest with an ease that felt strangely natural.

“I’ll handle your shift,” he continued. “And I’ll tell the others I didn’t wake you up on purpose.”

You shook your head groggily, your words coming out slow and slurred. “No… I want to keep watch.”

Young-il’s lips curved into a faint smile, but he didn’t argue immediately, simply watching as you fought against your sleepiness to fully wake up. He stepped back slightly and nodded. “Alright. You should wash your face first. That’ll help wake you up.”

You crawled off your mattress, moving to the spot where you had sat beside Gi-hun earlier. As you did, Young-il stood up to follow.

“It’s fine,” you said, rubbing your face to will yourself awake. “The triangle guard won’t let me into the bathroom.”

“I’m sure they will,” Young-il said, his tone calm but confident. You glanced at him, curious about his certainty. Had he been to the men’s restroom at night without any trouble? The last time you went with Jun-hee, the mother, and Hyun-ju, the guard only let you pass because of the mother’s relentless cries.

Massaging your face, you muttered, “I already went earlier with Jun-hee. The guard won’t let me pass twice.”

“They will,” Young-il said again. “Come with me.”

Before you could protest, he straightened and walked toward the middle of the dormitory’s clear area. You watched him, confused, before finally pushing yourself to follow.

“I said it’s fine,” you drawled, catching up to him. “I don’t want to deal with the guard again.”

Young-il didn’t respond. He continued toward the door to the women’s restroom, stopping in front of it and waiting for you to join him. When you finally reached his side, you sighed and said, making sure to use his ssi honorific, “Young-il, if the guard denies us, let’s just go back.”

He knocked firmly on the door. At first, there was no response, just like the last time with Jun-hee. He knocked again. After a moment, the circular window slid open, revealing the expressionless mask of a triangle guard.

“She needs to use the restroom,” Young-il said evenly. “Let her in.”

The triangle guard didn’t respond right away. Instead, he stared at you both, the silence stretching uncomfortably in the dim dormitory.

A few seconds later, the triangle guard slid the window shut without a word. Young-il turned to you and gave a small nod, a silent gesture to wait. You couldn’t hide your confusion. Why didn’t the guard deny you outright like before? You thought.

A few seconds passed, feeling much longer in the tense quiet, before the door creaked open. The triangle guard stood there, flanked by two more guards holding their guns. Young-il glanced at you, his expression calm but firm.

“Go,” he said simply. “I’ll keep watch for you.”

You hesitated for a moment, then nodded and stepped inside. As you moved past the guards, just before heading further in, Young-il’s voice came again and this time, it sounded commanding. “Guard her.”

You turned to look over your shoulder, catching the way he stared intently at the two triangle guards stationed near you. His tone carried weight, as though he wasn’t just making a request but giving an order. You furrowed your brows in mild confusion, unsure why he did that out of the blue.

One of the guards turned without a word and started walking ahead, motioning for you to follow. The second guard remained behind you, positioning themselves to ensure you were completely covered on both sides.

Perplexed, you trailed the lead guard. The door shut firmly behind you, leaving Young-il outside as the two guards guided you deeper into the women’s restroom.

After finishing your business and splashing cold water on your face at the sink, you exited the bathroom. As before, the two triangle guards flanked you, one leading and the other following closely behind. Their silent presence felt heavy, yet you felt the most protected person in this place. When you reached the dormitory, the same guard who had let you in earlier opened the door for you, stepping aside as you walked back in alone. The door clicked shut behind you, and the faint hum of the dormitory’s dim atmosphere returned.

You made your way back, spotting Young-il sitting in the only path to your group’s sleeping spot. His gaze was already fixed on you. You lowered yourself onto the spot beside him, pulling your knees up and wrapping your arms around them to make yourself comfortable.

“If I’d known the guards wouldn’t deny you bathroom access earlier, I would have woken you up,” you said, glancing at Young-il. “When Jun-hee, the mother, Hyun-ju, and I went earlier, the guards denied us entry. Twice.”

Young-il’s gaze stayed fixed on you, his expression attentive as you continued, lowering your voice, “The mother had to yell, ‘What did I do in my previous life?’ to finally make them let us in.”

A soft laugh escaped Young-il, his shoulders shaking slightly at your recount.

“At least it worked in the end,” he replied, his tone light. “But if you or the others ever need to go at times like this, wake me up. I’ll handle it.”

You offered him a small, sincere smile. “I will. Thank you.”

But then your smile faltered, and you averted your gaze. “Hopefully, this morning will be the last game. I don’t want to stay here any longer.”

Young-il nodded slowly, his expression thoughtful as he looked away. “You’re right. Let’s stay together, win again, and hope the majority votes to leave next time.”

You nodded in agreement. “I hope so too.”

The conversation tapered off, leaving a stillness between you. The air seemed thick with things unsaid between you two. It felt as though any words spoken now would either break the tension or make it worse.

You exhaled softly, stealing a glance at him. His profile was illuminated faintly by the golden glow of the piggy bank above, highlighting his composed expression. You turned your gaze back to the floor, trying to quiet your mind as the dormitory settled into its uneasy rhythm.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed him glance at you. Your gaze shifted toward him, and your eyes met. He gave you a small smile, but then his eyes briefly dropped to your lips before he quickly looked away, fixing his focus on the floor.

The silence between you stretched for a moment before he spoke. “You must be surprised.”

You raised your eyebrows. “What?”

He lifted his gaze to meet yours again. The close proximity made the exchange feel heavier, almost intimate.

“About what Gi-hun said. About my wife,” he clarified. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

Oh, this topic.

You forced a smile and shook your head lightly. “Oh, it’s fine. I kind of assumed you were married already. You’re kind and mature, so it made sense. Turns out I was right.”

Young-il’s gaze dropped to the floor, his expression unreadable. You kept your eyes on him, watching closely. His reaction told you everything you needed to know. So it was true. He has a wife waiting for him at the hospital, you thought. The confirmation solidified your earlier decision: distancing yourself from him was the right choice. It was for the best.

“She was sick,” he said suddenly, breaking the silence. His voice was calm but carried a weight that made you hold your breath. His eyes stayed fixed on the ground as he continued, “Acute cirrhosis. She needed a liver transplant, but we found out she was pregnant.”

Your eyes widened, and your face fell as his words sank in. He kept going, his tone growing heavier. “When the doctor suggested terminating the pregnancy, she refused. She was stubborn… She wanted to have the baby, even if it meant risking her life.”

You stayed silent, letting his words wash over you, as he went on. “When her condition worsened and no donor appeared, I borrowed as much money as I could to find a solution. But it was not enough.”

You turned your gaze away, unsure what to say. His voice softened but didn’t lose its seriousness. “I was desperate. A criminal heard about my situation and offered me money. I borrowed from him. But my work found out and saw it as a bribe. They fired me. I’d devoted my whole life to that job. It was one of the few things I truly loved.”

You frowned deeply, feeling an ache in your chest for him.

“Then I was invited to a program,” he said, his voice dropping even lower. “It promised money, so I joined. I was gone for a few days. By the time I won… by the time I came back with billions, my wife was already dead.”

Your eyes widened in shock as you turned to him, struggling to process his words. That’s when you noticed his eyes, glistening with unshed tears. They never fell, but the weight of them was undeniable.

“I have no purpose in life after the death of my wife,” he continued, his voice low but steady. “I disappeared from everything I once knew. There were so many times I became angry. Angry at the world. Angry at the people who fired me. Angry at those who didn’t step up to donate a liver. Angry at myself for leaving her when she needed me the most. Angry at everything.”

The room felt heavier with every word he spoke. You listened intently, unable to look away as he continued.

“There were times I wanted to end it all,” he admitted, his tone raw with emotion. “But I knew… I knew if I did, she’d hate me for it. She’d drag me to hell herself if it meant making me pay for giving up. So I lived. Barely. I was just a husk of a man, wearing a human skin that didn’t fit anymore.”

He exhaled deeply, his shoulders slumping slightly. “Eventually, I made a choice. I decided to go back to the program that gave me those useless billions. The place where I last had purpose in life.”

The realization hit you like a crashing wave. Everything he had said suddenly clicked in your mind. You stared at him, your voice barely above a whisper. “Correct me if I’m wrong… but is that program… this game?”

Slowly, he lifted his gaze to meet yours. The tears in his eyes caught the dim light, making them shimmer as he gave a single, solemn nod.

You gawked at him, thunderstruck. The implications swirled in your head, one question louder than the rest: So he was a previous winner? Just like Gi-hun? A winner who came back to play again?

“I was a winner of this game in the year 2015,” he said, as if reading your thoughts. His voice was steady but carried a note of vulnerability. “I didn’t tell Gi-hun. I never told anyone this. I don't want to be seen as the winner or a hero. All I want is to do these games and… find the slightest bit of purpose in life.”

You swallowed hard, your chest tightening. In a soft tone, you murmured, “I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through.”

He glanced at you, his expression unreadable. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault. Life has a way of… pushing you into corners you didn’t even know existed.”

You hesitated, searching for the right words. “Still, what you’ve endured… it’s more than anyone should bear.”

His lips curved into a faint smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “And yet… in these games, I found something.”

You tilted your head slightly, curiosity building in your chest. You did not have to say anything. Your need to know was palpable on your face.

He didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he turned his gaze to you, his dark eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that made your breath catch.

“A purpose,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Your heart thudded against your ribs as he continued, “I thought it was impossible. That after everything I’ve been through, after losing my wife, I’d never feel it again. But now…”

He paused, and for a moment, you were certain the air between you had shifted. “I’ve found something worth protecting in this world.”

He didn’t elaborate, but the way he stared at you said more than words ever could. His gaze lingered, carrying an unspoken weight that sent warmth creeping up your neck. You opened your mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words. The realization struck you like a soft wave.

He meant you.

But then, you looked away. You didn’t want to misinterpret his kind gestures or sweet words as something deeper. If he truly meant more, you wanted him to say it outright.

“Young-il,” you began softly, your voice barely above a whisper. “If you… if you mean what I think you mean, you’d have to tell me. I can’t just assume.”

He shifted closer, his voice low but steady. “I want to take care of you… not just as a friend, but as something more.”

Your breath hitched, and you dared to meet his gaze. There was no hesitation in his eyes, only gentleness that made you turn vulnerable.

“I know,” he continued, “that this place is hell. It’s not the kind of place anyone should be finding hope. But you… you’ve brought hope. Hope that the world has given me a gift.”

You didn’t know what to say, the weight of his words settling over you like a heavy blanket. “Young-il…”

“I’m not asking for anything you’re not ready to give,” he interrupted softly. “But let me protect you. Not because we’re stuck in this place, but because… I care about you.”

His confession lingered between you, sounding heavy and raw. A part of you wanted to push him away, to insist that the circumstances were too dire for anything like this. But another part of you, the one that had felt the flutter in your chest every time he spoke to you or looked your way, wanted to believe him.

“It’s sad,” you murmured, your voice trembling slightly, “that we met in a place like this.”

His lips curved into a faint smile. “It is. But if it weren’t for this place, I would have never met you.”

You smiled, a faint blush creeping to your cheeks. “I suppose that’s one good thing about all this.”

His gaze lingered on you for a moment longer before he looked away. You couldn’t help but feel a quiet sense of happiness. In this moment, you were glad. Glad that he had trusted you enough to let his guard down. Glad that he had let you see the side of him he kept hidden from everyone else. Glad that he had taken off his last mask… right?

He turned his eyes back to you, holding your gaze with an intensity that made your breath hitch. You didn’t look away, meeting his stare head-on, feeling the weight of unspoken words between you. His eyes flickered down briefly, landing on your lips. Without thinking, your gaze followed suit, lingering on his for a moment too long.

The air felt charged, the space between you shrinking without either of you moving too much. Slowly, he leaned in. You did the same, your heart pounding louder with each inch you crossed.

“Please, don’t.”

Both of you flinched, the trance broken by a muffled voice. Turning quickly, you spotted Jung-bae sprawled out on his mattress, muttering in his sleep.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I’ll stop betting on horses,” he mumbled, his face scrunched in a dream-induced grimace.

The sheer absurdity of the interruption had you stifling a laugh. Your shoulders shook with quiet amusement as you looked away.

Unbeknownst to you, Young-il’s expression darkened as he glared at the sleeping man, a mix of annoyance and disbelief flashing across his face.

Then your laughter reached his ears, breaking the tension in the most unexpected way. Young-il turned back to you, his features relaxing as a chuckle bubbled out of him.

“Talk about timing,” he said, shaking his head, his voice tinged with humor.

“Impeccable,” you replied, your grin widening as you stole another glance at Jung-bae, who remained oblivious, lost in his dreams.

The near-kiss moment replayed in your mind, your cheeks growing warmer each time the memory surfaced. You looked away, staring anywhere except Young-il. You couldn’t bring yourself to look directly at him, afraid he might notice the blush creeping up your face. The more you thought about it, the more embarrassed you became.

Without realizing it, you yawned softly, breaking your train of thought. The sleepiness hit you suddenly, but you tried to brush it off. Young-il, however, noticed immediately.

“You should go to sleep,” he said gently.

You glanced at him, flustered, and shook your head. “What? I’m not tired.”

Young-il tilted his head slightly, giving you a knowing look. “You’re not fooling anyone. You should rest. There’s no point in keeping watch if you’re barely awake.”

“I’m fine, really,” you insisted, trying to sound convincing. “I already washed my face.”

But Young-il wasn’t buying it. “Washing your face doesn’t mean you are not tired. Go rest. I’ll do it.”

You opened your mouth to argue again, but his steady gaze and calm persistence left you struggling for words.

“But… I don’t want you to cover my shift,” you murmured.

“I actually don’t want you to keep watch,” he admitted softly. “I woke you up so I could explain about my late wife. We don’t have much privacy so I thought keeping watch with you will be the perfect time to tell you.”

Before you could ask anything, Young-il reached out with his left hand and gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers brushing against your cheek. The simple gesture sent your heart racing, and your blush deepened. The touch was fleeting, but it left you momentarily speechless.

Feeling your resolve crumble under his gaze, you nodded shyly and crawled back to your mattress. As you pulled the blanket over yourself, you could still feel the lingering warmth of his touch. You couldn’t help but smile in delight, though you tried to hide it from him.

As soon as your head hit the pillow, a wave of exhaustion swept over you. Slowly, your eyes began to close, and the world around you blurred. This time, though, there was a warmth in your chest. A small smile formed on your lips as sleep claimed you, wrapping you in its gentle embrace.

NEXT : Chapter 10

PREV : Chapter 08

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Please feel free to leave comments and feedback about my story, the characters, the "you", and practically anything! I love reading your comments, especially long ones! What do you think about you consoling Jun-hee, your talk with Gi-hun, the fact that Young-il was listening the whole time, then Young-il helped you go to the restroom. Next it was his turn to talk with you, and also about Jung-bae's impeccable timing. What do you think about these?

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[kiryoutann]

Before reading, please check series masterlist to read the warning(s), disclaimer, and to make sure you’re on the right chapter. Minors do NOT interact.

If you enjoy this, you can buy me a Ko-fi :) Likes, reblogs, and comments are greatly appreciated!

TW: POSSIBLE SUICIDAL INTENT, gore metaphor, self harm (reader scratching herself as a coping mechanism), manipulation.

You remember that time.

You remember that time when Dad looked happy—a nearly foreign sight. For what felt like ages, he had been frowning, dark circles under his eyes, the visible crease on the side of his mouth ever since the constant fights between him and Mother.

But lately, he's been smiling; he's been humming the tune you thought he'd forgotten. You also remember plopping down next to him on the couch, cheeks puffed out, eager to know what had him in such a good mood. "Daddy, what are you smiling about?" you asked then, and yet-

And yet, the moment he heard that, something in his eyes abruptly dimmed, just like it always did whenever Mother walked into the room. You instantly regret speaking up, wishing you had just stayed silent and let him bask in his already rare moment of happiness.

“Curiosity killed the cat,” as Mom used to say. This time, your curiosity will kill Dad. So, you’re never curious again, never dared to ask again.

Dad has been coming home later and later, leaving barely any time for you to spend together. It’s like he’s always working, always busy. Gone are the days of sneaky trips to the ice cream shop or casual strolls through the park. Sometimes, you compare yourself to that old dog the Jenkins had—the one they stopped walking because they lost that love they had when he was still a cute little puppy.

It was as if the unhappiness that had held Dad back had somehow transferred over to Mother.

Lately, the fights between your parents had become increasingly frequent, leading you to shut yourself away in your bedroom and sing loudly just to drown out the noise. Mother would often sigh heavily, slamming the cupboards like she had some kind of grudge against them. The constant frowning had begun to etch deep wrinkles onto her face, and the dark circles under her eyes appeared to grow darker with each passing day. She was even losing her hair—the bathroom sink was a testament to that.

You started to notice strange behaviors from Mother as well. She would constantly check Dad’s phone whenever he was in the bathroom, rummaging through the trash for any stray pieces of paper or receipts, even asking you to check his clothes and bring them to her. Whenever Dad came home, she would confront him, demanding to know why he was home so late.

Everything feels weird. When you try to ask them, they will shut you down, telling you it is a “parents’ problem”—something a child like you shouldn’t know or have any business in.

But their “parents’ problem” quickly becomes yours when you always find yourself lying in bed, desperately trying to drown out another round of their arguing. You even start wishing you could spend more time at your friends' houses just to avoid being at home. Every night, you pray for it to stop.

For this to end. Until it does.

The “parents’ problem” that has been brewing for months finally rears its head when Dad stops coming home altogether. The silence you have grown accustomed to was quickly shattered by the sound of Mother’s hysterical crying, accompanied by the slamming of cabinets and the crashing of plates being thrown across the kitchen. You stop in your tracks, heart pounding as a silhouette emerges.

Mother. She walks toward you, her long hair plastered to her tear-streaked face, and-

And she smelled something like the alcohol Dad used to hide in the fridge. She grips your arms in a tight, almost bruising grip, leaning down to look you straight in the eye.

"I was right, sweetheart. Mommy was right," she whispered, her voice hoarse from all the shouting. "Mommy was right all along." She repeats the phrase over and over, as if you'd eventually grasp its meaning. After all, you were her daughter; you should understand.

But you didn’t. For goodness’ sake, you were just an eight-year-old girl—just enough brains to process why Dad didn’t come to your ballet recital despite his promise, just enough to try to understand why Mother was like this. What was she right about? Was Dad never coming home again? When is he coming back? So many questions, few to no answers. Not enough courage to let them swim to the surface because exactly what Mom said—“Curiosity killed the cat.”

Biting your lip, you ask in a small, fearful voice. “What are we talking about, Mommy?”

Mother took a shaky breath, her eyes so swollen and red from crying that you wondered if she might actually take her last breath right then and there. It makes you wonder if losing the supposed love of her life truly felt like a kind of living death.

“Your father…” she began, her voice barely above a whisper. “Your father, he’s… He’s not coming back, baby.”

Something about her own words brought anger to her face. Mother’s visage contorted into unbridled rage, teeth bared and nose scrunched up. You cry out in pain as she grips your arms tighter.

“He’s not coming back! Your father is with another woman—a WHORE! So don’t you DARE go looking for him, because he’s not coming back!”

At that moment, you didn't know which was scarier—Dad not coming back or Mother's anger. Or the thought that this meant you would be living alone with her. Even so, your lips began to tremble and you began to cry.

The anger that mother had was long-lived. Sometimes, it seemed like it outlasted the love she had once held for your father. Or perhaps, in a twisted way, that anger was just an extension of that love. The wound that mother carried was as deep as her affection had been. Love. Seeing its manifestation through your parents' relationship, it appeared like a despicable thing meant for people on a dark path.

Mother never truly recovered from it.

Day after day, week after week, month after month, even year after year, the anger never left her—it simply transformed into a hollow, empty place where the light once resided. Did Dad take it with him when he went off with that woman—that "whore," as Mother had said?

Still, you suppose it was better than those times when Mother would go out for drinks and come back late or even fail to come fetch you from ballet class. More often than not, it was a friend's mother who ended up dropping you home. Some questions they asked about your mother: "Is she okay?" and “Are you okay?”

That, you never know how to answer. Sure, you're doing fine at school and in your ballet classes—your toes are a little sore sometimes, but your teacher says that’s expected. And it’s not like Dad’s gone forever or dead. He’s still out there, even if he wasn’t coming home. Mom is still here, even if sometimes it feels like she doesn’t really see you.

… What an odd thing to feel, an even weirder thing to complain about. When Mother wasn’t at work, she was always there when you came home. She was easy to find in her room except on nights when she went out drinking and came back late, drowning herself in tears.

And yet, it felt like she wasn’t there at all. Dad left, and Mother was gone.

So, when that question was asked, you would just smile and say you were doing fine, that everything was okay. Yes, it was strange, unsettling, but everything was okay.

At least before you hit your teenage years.

Where did this change come from? Where did this hatred come from? Someone flipped a switch, turning your hollow mother into a bitter, resentful woman even to her own daughter. Slowly but surely, you begin to notice the glares she throws at you—the same ones she sports when talking about other women, as she said, “Look at the way she dresses, like some cheap harlot.”

“Change.” One day, she said, her voice sharp and commanding.

You furrowed your brows in confusion. “What? Change what?”

Mother's eyes narrowed, settling her gaze on your chest, then your stomach—you hold your breath from the burn of her glare. “I said, change. What, you don't see how you look?” She scoffed, shaking her head. “I don't know who gave you the confidence, but it's like you're asking for it.”

The sting of her words spread across your sternum, and you bite your inner cheek to keep yourself from crying. "But you said this looked good the other day."

“Then I said wrong, change.”

“But I like this top,” you protest, but you add a hollow chuckle for good measure, wanting to avoid coming off as defiant. “And it’s the only thing yellow in my closet.”

Mother’s lips thinned into a disapproving line. “You still have that yellow hoodie.”

“But it’s a birthday party! In the summer!”

“That’s too bad. Either you change, or you’re not going.”

Deciding the conversation is over, your mother walks past you. As you feared, she stops, sweeping her critical gaze over your face. The crease between her brows deepens; her lips curl into a sneer.

“And what’s with all that makeup? You’re trying too hard. Tone it down.”

You say nothing, fixating instead on the mild sting of your nails digging crescents into your palms. Don’t cry, don’t cry. Hasn’t this happened before? Why aren’t you used to this yet? The thing about you is that you cry over the same things over and over again, asking questions you already know you don't understand. “Why would Mom say that to me?” echoed in your mind, and yet, the answer remains elusive, so stop asking that!

You flinched as your mother suddenly swiped her fingers across your lips, smearing your carefully applied lipstick. Out of instinct, you quickly swatted her hand away.

“Mom, stop!”

“A lipstick on a pig is still a pig,” she spat, her hatred for you dripping—soaking into your skin and inciting your own blood to boil and burn you from the inside. “No matter how thick that makeup is, you’ll never be like those pretty girls. So stop trying.”

Your breath catches, your throat tightens. Mother finally walks past you, leaving you to “self-reflect,” expecting you to be on your right side of the brain after. To change your clothes, remove that makeup. “A lipstick on a pig is still a pig,” she says. Your lips quiver; the headache doubles.

Which one you loathe the most, you can't even say for sure. This tube top or the color. Your blush or your lipstick. You and your tendency to persist when you should stop—that you're ugly, a pig, and you'll never be those pretty girls.

You will never be those pretty girls.

You will never be...

Her.

Hayley. You couldn't help yourself from poring over the name on Facebook after hours of scouring for a hint of who she is and what's so special about her. And from what you can tell, she was everything you're not. With her big, bright blue eyes framed by dark, mascara-laden lashes, her light blonde hair, and that perfectly sun-kissed skin. Not to mention she has a figure that just fits right – a body a girl would die for. Hayley's life is balanced between her rising career and her enjoyment, as evidenced by several uploaded holiday photos in Southeast Asia, in places like Bali, Koh Rong, Phuket, Kuala Lumpur, Chiang Mai, and Singapore. She has a good relationship with her parents—both her biological ones and her stepparents. She has a golden retriever named Barney.

You knew enough to understand that she was the type of girl who frequented the clubs, not the quiet pubs where Simon and she met. The only reason she was even there was because of her dark-haired friend, who was now tipping her head back to finish another shot glass.

Are you stalking her? Yes, you suppose you are—there’s no point in denying it when you’re sitting at a bar, watching the social butterfly laugh with her equally beautiful friends. But you’re maintaining your distance, aren’t you? You’re not doing this because you’re a pervert (not that this justifies anything, you're aware)—you just need to know about her, to confirm something.

(Curiosity killed the cat.)

Hayley laughed again, her head thrown back, golden hair cascading down her back. The way her eyes crinkled at the corners, the way her glossy lips parted to reveal a perfect set of teeth. She and her group of friends looked like they were engaged in some kind of game, and as the loser, Hayley stood up and made her way to the bar. You looked up, pretending to sip at the drink you ordered earlier, appearing casual.

“Four Margaritas, love.” Hayley requested of the bartender, who responded with a nod to acknowledge her order over the din.

The man left his post to get something from the backroom. There wasn't much to do in the bar besides tapping her perfectly manicured nails on the shiny bar surface. Hayley swept a bored glance around: the strobe lights, the DJ booth and the drunk people dancing around it, the crowded booths at the ends of the room, and more drunk people.

Then, her eyes landed on you. Something ignited in those cerulean irises.

A confident smile played on her lips. “Hi there,” she said to you, voice sweet like honey. "Mind if I join you?"

For a moment, your brain stops thinking—completely caught off guard. Hayley doesn’t wait for your response, already sliding into the seat next to you. She widens her smile, the apples of her cheeks lifting fascinatingly. This was not how you envisioned this encounter going at all.

“I’m Hayley, by the way.” She gives you her name that you’ve known before she even knew you existed. You can’t help but wonder if she said the same thing to Simon that night, if he bore into her blue eyes like you do now.

You managed a small, nervous smile. In response, you provided your name, and Hayley tried it on her plump lips. Up close, she was even more stunning—her flawless skin, perfect makeup base, the way the low lighting cast shadows across her face. How was it possible that someone could be so effortlessly gorgeous? What's more, she didn't just seem kind; she also appeared humble and genuine—the type of beautiful girl who didn’t flaunt her good genes or think she was better than everyone else.

Still, despite all that, your dislike for her continues to grow. It’s almost unfair that she gives you nothing but kindness and you try to find her flaws, something that you hope will mar her perfection.

“Are you here all on your own?” Hayley asks again, to which you nod.

Despite already knowing she didn't come alone, you ask anyway, "You?"

“Me?” Hayley glance over her shoulder towards her table. “I’m here with a few friends. Say, love, why don’t you join us? It gets a bit boring sitting on your own, doesn’t it?”

“Oh, I’m… I’m kind of not used to such large groups,” you say, only to realize how lame it sounded. The poorly constructed excuse lays out the contradiction more clearly, like a lie written on a billboard. If you’re really the awkward, socially withdrawn weirdo you paint yourself to be, what are you even doing in one of the most crowded places in town?

Yet, Hayley didn't seem to judge you. The raised brow indicated that she thought it was strange, but her lips quirked up in a small smile, as if she found you… interesting.

“That's alright, darling. But you wouldn't mind a bit if I stayed here with you, would you?”

“Not at all.”

Hayley smiled, fishing her phone out of her purse. “Well, I was supposed to grab the next round for the girls, but I’ll just text them to grab the drinks. I reckon they can manage without me for a little while.” She opened her texting app, her manicured fingers making little tapping sounds as she typed.

Soon enough, a dark-haired woman approached the bar. Hayley greeted her friend, introducing her to you and you to her. The other woman smiled and nodded, but not wasting more time before saying goodbye to you and taking the drinks to their table. And just like that, you were alone with Hayley once again.

It makes you wonder why she even bothers to spend time with you—a complete stranger she just met. Is she always like this—always approaching and engaging with people she knows little about? Is that why she approached Simon the other day?

You grip your glass, soaking your fingers from the condensation around it. A temporary distraction from the memories that flash through your mind.

“Sooo, you seeing anyone at the moment?”

When that bold question came out of Hayley’s mouth, you came to a conclusion about her. It was clear that she was the type of woman who knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to go after it. The type to pop the question out before dealing with the answer—and whatever it is, she actually has the guts to deal with it. What other people think or feel about her does not define her, and that speaks volumes about the kind of person she is.

It also speaks to the kind of person you are.

Inevitably your thoughts drift to Simon. Shaking your head, you answer her question. “No, I’m not seeing anyone at the moment.”

Then, you take a deep breath, trying to steady your nerves. “And what about you? You’re not married, are you?”

Hayley laughs at that, wiggling her ringless fingers. “No ring on.”

“Not with anyone?”

An amused smile was etched on her face. “Don’t you worry, love. I’m a free bird, through and through.” She said as she leaned closer to you, the intoxicating blend of floral and citrus notes entering your olfactory. “Why? Got somethin' fun on your mind?”

At this close proximity, you could almost feel the warmth of her breath upon your cupid's bow. Up close, her physical details came into sharper focus—the freckles that peppered her nose, her deep-set eyes, a small mole sitting above the rosy pink of her lips, and the way her lip gloss glistened under the dim, hazy club lights.

And her lips. The ones that touched Simon’s.

The agony coursed through you, pumping in sync with each beat of your heart, spreading into the farthest reaches of your body. Poison in your blood. Thoughts raced in a frenzied, feral way that defied logic and reason. You wondered what it must have felt like for Simon. Had her kisses been soft and sweet, the kind that made him melt? Or were they passionate and hungry, with him nibbling and biting at her flesh?

Memories of that night are recalled to your mind, the image of their bodies pressed together coming with absolute clarity. The way he tilts his head to deepen the kiss, the way she hooks her legs around him.

Before you can register what you’re doing, you close the remaining space between you and Hayley, crashing your lips against hers in a kiss that’s almost daring. But it’s desperation that fuels you—your desperation to find any trace of him in her mouth, across her palate, beneath her tongue. You wonder if she can taste it, the bitterness of you. But when she kisses you back, more roughly and greedily, you find the answer.

Around you, the deafening music continues to play, the flashing lights like a kaleidoscope that twists and turns. Your olfactory senses register the strong smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke, and tears well up in the corners of your eyes. It reminds you of him—everything reminds you of him. Simon is everywhere but here. Even as you kiss another, it’s him you expect instead. You can’t help but wonder if it was the same for him that night—did he think of you as he sank deep inside of her?

When the kiss was broken, Hayley was about to smile at you before something faded it. A fat tear ran down your cheek. She furrowed her brows in concern.

“Hey, are you alright?” She asked, her accent growing thicker with worry. “Did I do something wrong? Go too far, perhaps?”

Hayley’s soft hands reached up, wiping away the salty liquid from your cheeks. You bit your bottom lip to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape. “N-no, it’s nothing,” you stuttered, voice barely above a whisper as you erased your own tears with the back of your hand.

Swallowing hard, your vision blurs again. “I’m sorry,” you mumble. “I need to... I need to go.”

Without another word, you turned and fled, ignoring Hayley calling your name. Pushing your way through the throngs of people, you made a beeline for the exit. The air in your lungs seemingly thinning, and your throat tightening. You switched to breathing through your mouth, as it was becoming increasingly difficult. A taxi approached, slowing down when you waved at it.

Two hours had passed since you fled the club, two hours spent waiting in suspense until, finally, the vehicle's headlights flickered to life, followed by the beeping sound indicating someone unlocked it. You remained silent, hearing the footsteps getting louder before you slowly rose to your feet, turning to face the person who had emerged.

“Simon.”

The owner of the name stood frozen in his tracks. The dim lighting of the streetlights only added to your difficulty in obscuring whatever expression he was sporting, but you didn't miss the way his shoulders tensed, his hands clenched tightly at his sides.

For a solid two minutes, his name was the only word spoken between the two of you. It wasn't like you were generous enough to offer him time to fully process the situation—no, it was more because you wanted to see how Simon Riley would react, how Simon Riley would deal with the unexpected.

You caught the way his mask slightly shifted—he clenched his jaw. “How?”

Instead of answering, you take a stuttering breath, feeling invisible needles piercing through your chest. “I forgot something in your car.” You tell him.

Simon's frown deepened, his head tilting slightly as he seemed to contemplate your words. It was absurd—after all these weeks, here you are, standing in front of his apartment, having somehow discovered the address, and claiming to have forgotten something in his car.

But he doesn't say anything, just continues to make his way to the car. You follow closely behind him. He opens the door to the passenger seat, then steps aside to let you check the car. You stretch your hand under the passenger seat, blindly feeling for anything, brushing through the dust and small gravel collected there until you finally touch something cold and metallic.

Pulling it out, the phone you had planted there weeks earlier came into view. You knew this meant Simon had laid his eyes on it too. It wouldn’t take long for him to connect the dots and figure out you had been tracking him this whole time.

Fucking hell. Simon remembered what he had said about modern phones. He closed the car door with a sharp click, then turned to you.

“So you’ve been followin’ me, then?”

“You didn't return my texts,” you stated bluntly.

"I asked you a question." He growls, almost like he's threatening you.

You observed the anger brewing in the depths of his dark eyes, radiating from him like a hot flame. Good, you thought silently. At least there was something that riled him up; otherwise, you would be suffering alone while he goes to fuck any willing bodies he can get his hands on.

"Why didn't you call me?" You ask again. “Why does it say your number is no longer in service? Why didn't you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” he snap, voice dripping with venom. “You think I owe you an explanation?”

Your blurry vision missed a flicker of change in his expression. When the tears escaped and the world came into focus again, all you saw was Simon locking his jaw, irritation radiating from him. He turned and began to walk away.

You followed him, quickening your pace to catch up. “Simon! Simon, wait!”

Despite your best efforts, he continues to keep his back turned to you, refusing to even spare you a glance. He fixed his gaze straight ahead, seemingly hell-bent on creating a vast gulf between you. You called out his name once more, your voice echoing in the stillness of the night, but he kept right on walking.

“Yes, I deserve an explanation! I don’t know why you’re being like this. We were fine the last time we were together. What happened? Why did you just disappear on me?”

You reached out, your fingers brushing against the sleeve of his jacket to get him to stop and face you. He came to a halt. A jolt of electricity surged through you as he encircled your fingers with his own, but it soon faded as he let go of your grip on the leather. Something inside you dropped away, leaving a shameful hollow space inside.

Simon towers over you, his stature imposing and intimidating. He locks a hard glare on you. “I asked you a question, didn't I?” His voice fell to a dangerously low tone. “Why the fuck have you been following me?”

The dam holding back your tears broke, leaving you choking on your own sobs. How could he not know? All these tears, all these cries… how could he still fail to see that it was all for him? To be stripped bare only for him to overlook it. Should you skin yourself alive then? To tear your heart out, to hold the raw, bleeding organ in the palm of your trembling hand as an offering?

“Because I want to know where you are,” You settle for the simpler version, hyperventilating as you take a breath. “You know my place, my workplace... You even went to my cousin’s wedding. And yet, I know nothing about you, Simon. Nothing.”

“You think just ‘cause we fucked a few times, that gives you the right to pry into my life?”

A sharp pang of pain shot through your chest. The world was ruby-colored, either from your boiling anger or the hemorrhage from the sharpness of his words. Your jaw clenched, your gaze sharpened.

“Fuck you, Simon,” you spat. “You know we’re not just fucking.”

The clenched fists at your sides tremble, and you don’t know if it’s from anger or hurt or the weight of your own expectation to make him see it. Or perhaps it’s all three. How could he speak like this when there's a specific section in your dresser for the clothes he frequently brings and leaves, when he constantly returns and stays longer even as the morning has risen, when he drove you to the countryside and dances and twirls you around like those old couples do? Not when he embraces you until your tears subside, nor when each of his kisses offers that one thing you've chased your whole life.

There’s no way this isn’t love. He just needs to stop denying it.

Simon's eyes narrowed into slits. "Then you read it all wrong, darlin'."

The way he said it was cold, without a shred of sympathy—but nothing was colder than the way Simon continually turned his back to you as he continued to walk farther and farther away, as if all he wanted was to get as far away from you as possible. Disgusting woman in love. But you never got the hint, did you? You kept following him, running after him like a stupid little dog created solely to love, love, love, and never be loved back.

“Is that the reason, Simon?” You cried, voice cracking. “Is that why you fucked that woman—Hayley?”

“Who?”

“Hayley. The woman you fucked in the back of that pub alley! Was that why you left me?”

For the first time, Simon was lost for words, gears turning behind his brown eyes. He let out a frustrated sigh, jaw clenched tight. “You fucking stalked me?”

“I did,” you admitted, but this wasn’t an admission of guilt, nor an act of taking accountability. The words falling from your lips lacked the necessary remorse for either of those things. “I know it’s wrong, but—”

“Wrong?” Simon scoffed. “Christ, you’re bloody mental if you think that’s just wrong.”

You try to draw a deep breath through your mouth, your shoulders stuttering with the effort. The pain and the anguish are written all over your face, reddening your skin. But then, something shifts—and when you open your eyes, you are someone new.

Simon watched a thin smile spread across your swollen lips. “Do you think she's a good kisser?”

The question slipped out of you in a voice that was just barely above a whisper, but in the stillness of the night, Simon heard it, caught your quiet words. There was no faltering in your voice, no quaver, no stutter. He felt your pupils searing his skin hotter than the mansion’s fire.

“What?” He asked again, making sure he hadn’t misheard.

You were more than happy to repeat. “Do you think Hayley is a good kisser? Because I know she is—I kissed her. How did she taste? Did you enjoy it?”

“Fucking hell, you’re a fuckin’ psycho.”

“Did she moan when you kissed her, Simon? Did she wrap her arms around you, pull you in closer? Did you run your fingers through her hair—her body? Did she moan your name the way I do when we’re—”

You cut yourself off, your breath hitching again. The numbing agent has worn off, and now you're paying the withdrawal tenfold. Like your own personal hell, the memory of your intimate moments together replays, leaving nothing but a bitter taste and more hot, salty tears streaming down your face.

 “Did she feel as good as I do when you’re buried deep inside me?”

Simon didn't respond, remaining silent. Or perhaps this very silence was his answer. He was always a man of few words, preferring to act instead. Right now, his actions spoke louder than anything.

“Or was she better?” You hissed. “ANSWER ME!”

Nothing. Even when you scream in his face, he keeps giving you nothing. This is the man you love—only able to take, take, and take until there is nothing left to fill the cavern he leaves behind.

You take a step towards him, hands trembling by your side. “Can she love you like I do?”

The confession hung in the air, heavy with the weight of your love and pain. You caught the way Simon’s eyes widened in surprise, but they quickly returned to their stoic stare, and the mask—that damn mask—hid too much for you to make any conclusions about him. The unfairness was palpable: you were tearing your heart out, vulnerable and all exposed for him—while he was hiding behind a mesh of polypropylene.

Always guarded, always unreachable.

Simon’s shoulders rise as he takes a deep breath, gazing up at the sky before turning back to you. “You need to go home.”

“What?”

Before you could really process his words, Simon had already turned and was walking briskly to his car, his broad back starting to move away from you. Hurriedly, you ran after him, your hands outstretched to grab anything of his. Stop. Stop walking away. Stop trying to leave me.

“Simon!” You called out—God, how you hated how weak and pleading it sounded. “Simon, wait! Listen to me!”

Simon reaches his car, already grasping for the handle. Panic rises in your throat. He yanks the door open, ready to get in. Your mind is gripped with desperation, scrambling to find something—anything—to keep him here with you, and yet the only thing that can act fast enough is your voice.

“”Go home,” That’s your response, Simon? After everything I just confessed to you? I just laid my heart bare—I told you that I love you, and your answer is to tell me to go home?!”

You flinch at the sudden slam of the car door. Simon whirls around to face you, chin held high, imprisoning you under his angry gaze. “YES, I'm tellin' you to fucking go home!” He roars, his booming voice quickening your pulse. “I don't want this sappy shit you're tryin' to dump on me. Go home an' leave me the fuck alone!”

“NO!” You shouted, voice cracking as you dangled on the edge of control—on the verge of crumbling. “I won't go home! I-I love you! I don't want to go home!"

You stepped forward, your hands gripping the front of his shirt. "Is it because of me?" you questioned, as if this was the only possible explanation. “Because if it is, I can fix it! I can be whatever you want me to be—I don't care! You don't even have to love me back! Just please, don't leave. If you want, you can always use me—just keep using me. Just don't go, Simon. Please, please, don't leave me."

Because there will always be a really bad part of you that ruins everything. No matter how deeply you love or how faithful your devotion is, it will taint it. At the end of the day, it will be worth nothing. So, if your body is the only thing that would satisfy him—distracting him from your inability to make him love you—then so be it. You were always the cheap and vulgar daughter, after all.

“Fucking hell,” he cursed under his breath. “Stop. Fuckin' stop sayin' shit like that 'bout yerself.”

Despite all your pleading, Simon remains the same man he always was. A rotten one, selfish—a stray dog who loves to wander. He hasn’t changed—his dead heart has no room for your love, for you. The more you try to hold him, the more he eludes your grasp. Perhaps he has grown so accustomed to sadistic things that a woman tearing out her heart for him doesn't faze him anymore.

Or worse: he loves things like this.

A raw, throbbing heart—the soft feast of organs for a home-fashioned dinner. The beautiful swan—you, heart enlarged and sweet from your consumption of his deceit. His prized delicacy, just the way he likes it.

You felt Simon’s hands wrap around your wrist, prying your fingers off him. “No, please! Don’t go, don’t leave!”

But he was unyielding, his mind pinpointed on one goal: to get away from you. He pushed you back. You watched as he turned and opened the car door, sliding inside. Hastily, you tried to wrench the car door open—he had locked it from the inside. You slam your hands against the window.

“Simon! Simon, please!”

The glass vibrated under the force of your blows; your palms stinging with the impact. Tears streamed down your face as you continuously hit the window. Simon turned on the ignition.

“GET OUT!! I’ll die if you leave! I’LL DIE IF YOU LEAVE!”

The car lurched forward; Simon's face remained obscured from view. Your hand slides off the glass as the vehicle speeds away. The sound of the engine faded into the distance, taking with it the last piece of your shattered heart.

You stood there, frozen, alone on the empty street. He was gone.

The bitter realization hits you like a physical blow, knocking the breath from your lungs. You sank to your knees, hands clutching at the fabric of your coat as uncontrollable sobs wracked your body. He was gone, and your last memory of him was his dark eyes staring at you as you begged to mean something to him.

But would it make a difference if the last recollection of him stayed on that sunny day in the countryside? Would everything have been better if you hadn't come here?

You dig your fingernails into the back of your hand, hoping the sting will distract you like it did before. Yet, even after collecting your own skin beneath your nails, the long-awaited numbness never comes. Or is it because no amount of bodily harm can relieve the agony?

(It feels like a kind of living death, doesn’t it?)

Sometimes, you get jealous of euthanized dogs.

@strawberrygato @aprosiacperson @chipsbuttercream @arrozyfrijoles23 @pastel-devil-06 @rroseskull @olives10 @cricricorner

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[inthelibrarybtw]

get to know college!student!reader

college!student!reader who is naturally smart, and loves studying, it can get a little too much because she hates to get less than a B in her classes, in high school she got a C once and almost cried her eyes out (no one knows about this) she’s not a party girl, she’s more into staying in watching a movie with her friends, baking and if she’s alone reading a book. baking usually is like a coping mechanism that shows up around finals and midterms because it becomes stress baking, but sometimes she does it for fun or to have a nice little detail for someone she cares about. 

college!student!reader who is very kind, just don’t provoke her,  hates confrontations but always sets her limits. her anxiety and overthinking can get the best of her, her friends know that and always reassure her when she’s having a bad day which is not that often but when it hits it hits hard. she has a hard time asking for help unless it’s her best friend from high school who sadly doesn’t go to the same college as her or kelce since they know each other since they were practically kids. she tends to cry when stressed, angry or when she’s exhausted and drained. 

college!student!reader who loves taylor swift and everything that anyone could classify as basic but she loves it, picking flowers, reading romance books, watching 90s and early 2000s shows. passionate for art and music, loves to go on walks while listening to music, you can catch her going to museums on her own, usually very independent but loves to spend time with her friends and people she loves, quality time is her number one love language and physical touch is the second even if she doesn’t like to admit it. who barely understands sports but when her friends invite her to football or basketball games, she goes to spend time with them and because they always go out for food afterward. 

college!student!reader who is an only child which has allowed her to have a good relationship with her parents, her high school best friend is like her sister, she loves her friends and respects them a lot. she’s really hard on herself, even if she knows she has people who will be there for her no matter what sometimes she shuts down and doesn’t speak to anyone about what she’s going through, shields herself with reading, and externalizes her emotions on playlists or listening one song on a loop as longs as it fits to how she’s feeling.

college!student!reader who loves to take pictures of everything and share them on her social media, it’s like her digital diary. her major suits her for that reason, digital marketing with a minor in graphic design, to in her words “make everything look pretty”. who is bilingual, her mom taught her Spanish since she was little and she uses it a lot when talking to her family and some friends. who is also very sarcastic, always has a smile on her face and most of the time she won’t verbally say stuff but her face sure will let you know everything before she even thinks about saying it.

authors note: thank you so much for all the love this fic is already receiving!! college!student!reader (aka Avery) is very dear to my heart, she has a lot of bits and pieces that I took from my life and put them into who she is. I hope you guys like her and get more excited to read about her.

taglist: @zyafics @maybankslover @niaunoffical @marleymarleymarleymarley @rafesbabygirlx @akobx if you want to be added send an ask or comment! :)

REBLOGS, COMMENTS AND LIKES ARE ALWAYS WELCOMED

INTHELIBRARYBTW ✧.*

[eilomilo]

faded | b.e

gf!billie x fem!reader

sexual themes. . cannabis usage 🍃, pet names, praise, stoner!billie, high sex, swearing, oral (r recieving), brat!reader (if u squint), softdom!billie, mommy kink, dirty talk,

a/n: hai my babies, posted this since y'all were asking for more stoner!billie . . hope i u like it, mwah.

"gimme it. ."

her hands reached out to take the burning joint out of your mouth.

she had her head in your lap, cheek rested against your thigh, glancing up at you as you took a long drag, blowing the thick cloud up into the air above you.

you glance down at her pleading eyes, contemplating whether you should let her take it or not.

"please princess? just one hit. ." she mumbled, pouting at you and then instantly smiling when you handed it to her.

"last one baby, you're literally high as fuck."

she rolled her eyes playfully before sarcastically muttering, "okay mom." and before putting the joint in her mouth, taking a deep inhale.

she took the joint out her mouth, smoke trailing out and handed it back to you.

"happy?" she asked and you nod. she grins, getting up from your lap to sit next to you.

"gonna let mama eat you baby?" she murmered, eyes flicking from yours to the middle of your legs.

"you sure you're in the right state for that?" you ask to which she raises her eyebrow at you and grins, nodding to herself.

"course baby. . you think being faded is gonna stop me from eating my girl out?"

her hands found their way to the waistband of your panties, carefully sliding them down your thighs.

she winks at you, flipping her cap round back to front.

she lies down, hands grabbing under your thighs and hooking them over her shoulders.

once she's in position between your legs, she looks back up at you, a smirk forming in the corners of hee mouth.

"you ready?" she asks and you smile at her, letting your head drop down onto the cushion behind you - a clear way of indicating for her to continue. "that's my girl."

you feel her tongue gently lick at drooling slit, eyebrows farrowing as soon as she gets a taste of you. her mouth travels up, towards your swollen nub and suckles on it as light as she could, driving you insane.

arousal continues to flow out of your pussy causing her to move back down, pressing small kisses to your wet cunt.

her face buries further between your thighs as she moans against you.

her kisses turn into desperate laps at your pussy as your hips roll in time her mouth, her nose bumping against your clit making you gasp out.

"fuck bils-" you whine, hands grabbing a fistful of her hair.

she chuckled, "baby's so sensitive when she's stoned," she smiles, and you laugh, "bet you are too. ." you say and she grins, looking up at you. "fuck yeah."

her hands knead your thighs as her head drops back down, mouth working faster as she flicks her tongue in and out of your tight hole.

"fuck bils, m'gonna cum. ." you warn and she laughs against you, "wow, 'n i've barely even started babe. ."

you let out an annoyed huff, "shut up."

you mumble and she squeezes your thigh a bit too hard upon hearing this.

"ow!" you wince and she pulls her head back to stare at you, "you wanna say that again?"

her tone shifted into a more serious one, "say sorry."

you close your eyes, "sorry." you repeat flatly causing her to give you a nudge, "properly."

"sorry mommy." you sigh, and she smirks up at you, "such a fuckin' brat. ."

her tongue swirls around a few more times before you lose it, crying out her name as your orgasm takes over, gushing all over her chin and down your thighs. "oh fuck yes," she moans, her tongue hungrily lapping up every drop of your sweet cum as it pours out of you.

"tastes so fuckin' good" she whispers, her licks becoming increasingly slower and firmer against you.

your hips still rolled against her mouth, failing slightly because of how hard she'd just made you cum.

when she was finished, she gave your puffy clit a quick kiss, then trailed her tongue down from your pussy to your thighs and finally sat up.

her hand came to your hair, stroking it gently and staring into your eyes.

"thank you baby," she whispered, staring at your completely exhausted state.

she smiled to herself, knowing it was all because of her.

"sorry baby."

© eilomilo, all rights reserved.

[amethystarachnid]

NEW YEAR EVE WITH THE KIDS

⤷ JAMES B. “BUCKY” BARNES

ᯓ★ Pairing: James B. “Bucky” Barnes x fem!reader

ᯓ★ Genre: romance, fluff

ᯓ★ Request from: MARVEL Holiday Special

ᯓ★ Story type: one shot

ᯓ★ Word count: 4.4k

ᯓ★ Summary: New Year Eve party with a 10, a 6 and a 2 years old kids isn't easy, especially when it's a Stark party, but can you and your husband, Bucky, manage it?

ᯓ★ TW(s): nothing

ᯓ★ Request: not requested but I wanted to write for Bucky from the Holiday special with this trope: 29. New Year’s Eve Party with the Avengers (or X-men)  – The Avengers come together to celebrate the New Year, but there’s a twist: the kids are part of the celebration. How does your character juggle both the kids' excitement and their own fun as the clock counts down to midnight?

ᯓ★ Comment if you want to be added to the taglist (specify if you want the everything taglist or for a specific character)

ᯓ★ From now requests can only be done in the asks, not in the comments because it's confusing and I'm scared of forgetting a request <3

ᯓ★ Songs & Superheroes tales - The Game (to make a request, follow the rules on the link!)

ᯓ★ MARVEL Bingo (requests open)

ᯓ★ Masterlist

ᯓ★ If you are a Charles Xavier fan click on this link!

ᯓ★ English isn’t my first language and this isn’t proof read

The evening begins with chaos, of course. In your household, it always does. You’re standing in front of the mirror in your shared bedroom, trying to fix the clasp on your necklace when you hear a loud crash from the kids’ room, followed by Estelle’s exasperated voice.

“Liam! I told you not to throw the ball near the closet!”

You sigh, glancing at Bucky, who is currently on the floor wrestling Julie into her tights. “I thought the party was supposed to be fun,” you mutter, and he chuckles, looking up at you with that boyish grin that still makes your heart skip.

“Fun’s subjective, doll,” he replies, finally managing to slide the tights over Julie’s chubby legs. She giggles, kicking at his vibranium arm as if it’s her favorite toy. “There we go, princess. All set for your grand entrance.”

Julie claps her tiny hands, her pigtails bobbing. “Pahty!” she exclaims, and Bucky scoops her up, planting a noisy kiss on her cheek. She shrieks in delight.

The crash upstairs is followed by Estelle shouting again. “Mom! Liam’s stuck in the closet!”

You exchange a look with Bucky. “Your turn,” you say, gesturing toward the door.

He smirks, standing up with Julie still perched on his hip. “Sure thing, boss.” He taps your chin with his free hand before heading out, his footsteps heavy on the stairs.

In the kids’ room, you hear the commotion quiet down as Bucky arrives to handle the situation. You use the brief reprieve to fix your makeup and take a deep breath. It’s New Year’s Eve, after all, and Tony Stark’s parties are legendary. You can’t show up looking like you’ve just run a marathon.

A few minutes later, Bucky returns with Liam in tow. Your six-year-old has a sheepish grin and a telltale smudge of something across his cheek. Bucky looks bemused, though not particularly surprised. “Our boy thought he could climb the shelves to get his Captain America action figure. Guess who came to the rescue?”

“Captain America?” you tease, raising a brow.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Close. His dad.” He sets Julie down and crouches to Liam’s level. “You okay, bud?”

Liam nods vigorously. “Yup! Daddy saved me!” He beams up at Bucky, who ruffles his hair and mutters something about reckless behavior being genetic. You stifle a laugh.

By the time everyone is dressed, it feels like an entire year has passed. Estelle looks radiant in her sparkly silver dress, which she picked out with great care. Liam has been persuaded into his tiny suit after much negotiation, and Julie, in her poofy pink dress, keeps twirling and declaring, “I’m a pwincess!”

Bucky, who looks as devastatingly handsome as ever in a sharp black suit, whistles low as he glances at you. “Doll, you’re stealing the show tonight.” His eyes trail over your outfit with such open admiration that it makes you blush.

“Flattery won’t get you out of diaper duty later,” you say, smirking.

He grins. “It’s worth a shot.”

With everyone finally ready, the five of you pile into the car and head to the compound. The drive is lively, filled with Julie’s excited babbling, Liam’s endless questions about fireworks, and Estelle’s occasional exasperated sighs about her younger siblings. Bucky is at the wheel, his hand reaching over to rest on your knee every so often, grounding you amidst the chaos.

When you arrive, the compound is already buzzing with life. Tony has outdone himself, as usual, with glittering decorations, an extravagant buffet, and a live band playing festive tunes. The kids’ eyes widen in awe as they take it all in.

“Remember,” you say, crouching to their level. “Stay close to us, okay?”

“Yes, Mom,” Estelle says dutifully, though she already looks like she’s itching to run off and explore. Liam bounces on his toes, clearly more excited about the dessert table than anything else. Julie clings to Bucky’s leg, her little hand clutching his fingers.

Bucky picks her up effortlessly, his eyes soft as he looks at her. “Ready to have some fun, sweetheart?”

She nods, her face lighting up. “Dance with me, Daddy?”

His grin is immediate. “Always.”

The night is young, and though wrangling three kids at a Stark party might be a Herculean task, you know one thing for certain: with Bucky by your side, it’s going to be an unforgettable start to the new year.

The party is in full swing as you and Bucky step into the grand hall with your three little ones. The band plays jazzy renditions of holiday classics, and the room sparkles with golden lights and elegant decorations. Tony is in his element, greeting guests with a drink in one hand and an effortless quip on his lips. Somewhere near the center of the crowd, you catch a glimpse of Steve, already engaged in a polite but animated conversation with Natasha.

The kids, of course, are magnets for attention. Within minutes of your arrival, they’re surrounded by adoring Avengers.

“Is this my favorite Barnes family?” Sam’s voice booms as he makes his way over, a broad smile on his face. He leans down to fist-bump Liam, who immediately grins.

“Uncle Sam!” Liam exclaims, hopping with excitement. “Look, I’m wearing a suit! Dad said I look like James Bond.”

Sam chuckles, throwing Bucky an amused glance. “James Bond, huh? High praise coming from your old man.”

Bucky shrugs, looking unapologetically proud. “He pulls it off.”

Julie, meanwhile, reaches for Sam, her tiny arms stretching toward him. “Unca Sam!” she demands, and Sam obliges, scooping her up with ease.

“Well, aren’t you the prettiest little princess,” he says, spinning her around. She squeals with delight, and you take a moment to exchange a relieved smile with Bucky. At least for now, someone else is helping entertain the kids.

Estelle, however, is more interested in catching up with Uncle Steve, who spots her and immediately crouches to her level. “Is that Estelle? Or is it a movie star in disguise?”

She rolls her eyes but can’t hide her smile. “It’s me, Uncle Steve. Can I show you the drawing I made for you?”

“Of course,” he says, his face lighting up. She pulls out a folded piece of paper from her small purse and hands it to him. It’s a detailed sketch of Captain America’s shield, meticulously colored in red, white, and blue. Steve whistles, clearly impressed. “You’ve got talent, kiddo. I’m gonna frame this.”

Estelle beams, and you exchange a look with Bucky. “She’s been working on that for days,” you whisper, and he nods, pride etched in his expression.

As the evening progresses, the kids take turns dragging you and Bucky in different directions. Liam is enthralled by the dessert table, where Thor is loudly extolling the virtues of a massive chocolate cake to anyone who will listen. Julie insists on dancing, tugging at Bucky’s hand until he relents and twirls her around on the dance floor. The sight of him, in his sharp suit, crouched down to Julie’s height and spinning her like she’s the star of the evening, melts your heart.

“You two make it look easy,” Natasha teases, appearing at your side as you watch them.

“Easy?” you laugh, sipping your drink. “Nat, I haven’t had a single moment to sit since we got here.”

“Well, you’re doing great.” She gives you a sly smile. “And if you need a breather, let me know. I’ve got my ‘scary Aunt Nat’ face ready to keep them in line.”

“Scary Aunt Nat?” you repeat, grinning. “I’m not sure they’d buy it.”

Natasha shrugs, but there’s a glimmer of affection in her eyes as she watches Julie try to dip Bucky during their dance. “Worth a shot.”

When Julie finally tires of dancing, Bucky scoops her up and makes his way back to you. “This one’s gonna crash soon,” he says, his voice warm as he adjusts her position on his hip. Julie rests her head on his shoulder, her thumb in her mouth.

“Want me to take her for a bit?” you offer.

He shakes his head. “Nah, I’ve got her.” His free hand finds yours, and for a moment, the chaos of the evening fades as he gives you a soft smile. “You look beautiful tonight, by the way.”

Before you can respond, Liam reappears, his mouth covered in chocolate frosting. “Mom! Dad! Uncle Thor let me try the big cake!”

“Of course he did,” Bucky mutters, giving Thor a mock glare across the room. Thor grins unapologetically, raising a glass in salute.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, buddy,” you say, grabbing a napkin and crouching to wipe Liam’s face. He squirms but lets you do it, his excitement about the cake apparently outweighing his aversion to being fussed over.

The rest of the evening is a whirlwind. Steve steps in to play “superhero tag” with Estelle and Liam, giving you and Bucky a much-needed moment to sit down and enjoy a plate of hors d'oeuvres. Clint distracts Julie with a balloon animal he somehow fashions out of a stray party decoration. Even Tony gets involved, showing Liam and Estelle how to use a holographic projector to create firework simulations.

You lean back against Bucky’s shoulder, savoring the rare quiet moment. “We owe them all big time,” you murmur.

Bucky kisses the top of your head. “They don’t mind. It’s family.”

The word settles over you warmly, and you glance around the room. Estelle is laughing as Steve pretends to trip over his own feet during their game. Liam is perched on Thor’s shoulders, looking like he’s ready to conquer the world. Julie is curled up in Natasha’s lap, her eyelids drooping as Nat quietly tells her a story.

It’s chaotic, messy, and exhausting, but it’s yours. And you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The quiet moment doesn’t last. It never does.

You’re just about to take another sip of your drink when Liam barrels into you, clutching your leg with surprising force. “Mommy,” he whines, his voice muffled against the fabric of your dress, “I’m sleepy.”

You glance down and notice the way his little face is pressed against you, his arms wrapped tightly around your thigh. He’s usually full of boundless energy, so this sudden clinginess catches you off guard. “Sleepy already, huh?” you ask, crouching down to ruffle his hair. “It’s not even close to midnight.”

“I’m not tired,” he insists, his eyelids drooping even as he says it. “I just want to sit with you.”

Bucky appears at your side, Julie still nestled in his arms. She’s half-asleep now, her thumb firmly planted in her mouth, her head resting against Bucky’s shoulder. He rocks her gently without thinking, his movements instinctive and soothing. “Looks like the little ones are winding down,” he observes, his voice low.

You glance over to where Estelle is happily chatting with a small group of other kids her age. She’s animated, her hands gesturing wildly as she tells some story or another. Clearly, she’s inherited your social streak.

“Estelle seems fine,” you point out. “We just have to figure out how to keep these two awake.”

Bucky raises an eyebrow, his vibranium hand lightly patting Julie’s back. “You mean how to keep them awake without a meltdown.”

“Exactly,” you say, standing up with Liam still clinging to your side. He seems content to stay glued to you for now, his cheek resting against your stomach. You stroke his hair absentmindedly, already brainstorming.

Natasha appears out of nowhere, her sharp eyes taking in the scene. “Looks like bedtime’s creeping up on them,” she says with a smirk. “You two need a strategy?”

“We’re open to suggestions,” you reply, gesturing at Liam and Julie. “We want them to make it to midnight, but…”

Natasha tilts her head thoughtfully. “Maybe some fresh air would help. Take them out to the balcony for a bit. It’s quieter out there, and the cold might perk them up.”

Bucky nods. “That’s not a bad idea. What do you think, doll?”

You shrug. “Worth a shot.”

With that, you gently pry Liam from your leg and scoop him into your arms. He protests half-heartedly but quickly settles, his head drooping against your shoulder. Bucky adjusts Julie, who lets out a sleepy little sigh but doesn’t wake fully, and the two of you make your way toward the balcony.

The cold air hits you immediately as you step outside, and it’s invigorating. The sky is clear, the stars twinkling brightly, and the faint sound of the party inside provides a comforting background hum. Liam stirs slightly in your arms, blinking against the crisp air.

“Hey, buddy,” you say softly. “Feel that? It’s nice out here.”

He mumbles something incoherent, but his eyes stay open. Julie, on the other hand, gives a little shiver, prompting Bucky to wrap her more tightly in his jacket.

“You think this’ll do the trick?” Bucky asks, his breath visible in the cool air.

“Let’s give it a few minutes,” you reply, swaying gently with Liam.

The two of you stand there, side by side, enjoying the rare moment of relative peace. Estelle pokes her head out onto the balcony a few minutes later, her cheeks flushed with excitement.

“Mom! Dad!” she exclaims, her voice slightly too loud for the serene setting. “There’s a game inside with prizes! Can I play?”

You exchange a glance with Bucky, who nods. “Sure thing, sweetheart,” he says. “But stay where we can see you, okay?”

Estelle grins and darts back inside, leaving the two of you alone with the younger two. Liam starts to perk up slightly, his head lifting from your shoulder as he takes in the view of the compound grounds below.

“Are there fireworks?” he asks sleepily.

“Not yet,” you tell him. “They’ll happen at midnight.”

“I want to see them,” he says, his voice firmer now. You take that as a good sign.

Julie stirs again in Bucky’s arms, her big blue eyes blinking open. She glances around, taking in the unfamiliar setting, before giving Bucky a sleepy smile. “Daddy.”

“Hey, baby girl,” Bucky says, his voice as soft as the snowflakes that begin to drift down from the sky. “You waking up a little?”

She nods, resting her tiny hand on his vibranium arm. “Cold,” she murmurs.

“We’ll go back inside soon,” he promises, brushing a kiss against her forehead.

After a few more minutes, you decide it’s time to return to the party. The fresh air has done its job—Liam is more awake now, and Julie is at least partially alert. Once inside, the warmth of the room welcomes you, and the kids seem to adjust quickly.

You and Bucky take turns carrying Julie and coaxing Liam into small activities to keep him occupied. Tony, always the entertainer, steps in at one point with a bubble machine he’s somehow rigged up, and that distracts Liam for a good ten minutes. Estelle reappears briefly to show you the prize she’s won—a small stuffed animal—before darting back to her group of friends.

“Are we actually going to make it to midnight?” you whisper to Bucky as Julie leans heavily against him again, her eyelids drooping.

“We’re stubborn,” he replies with a grin. “The kids get it from us.”

You laugh softly, taking his free hand in yours. “Alright, Sergeant Barnes. Let’s see if we can pull this off.”

The final stretch to midnight begins with a burst of energy you didn’t see coming—mainly from Liam. As the games inside kick off, his drowsiness evaporates like snow in sunlight. The moment he notices kids gathering around Tony, who’s setting up some sort of interactive holographic game, Liam wriggles out of your grasp and bolts across the room.

“Uncle Tony’s got a game!” he shouts, weaving through the crowd like a little rocket.

“Liam!” you call, but he’s already in the thick of it, his excitement contagious. Other kids, Estelle included, gather around Tony as he explains the rules with dramatic flair.

Bucky chuckles, watching Liam’s antics. “Looks like he got his second wind.”

“Lucky him,” you reply, adjusting Julie in your arms. She’s growing heavier by the second, her little head lolling against your shoulder. “Wish I could say the same about this one.”

Julie lets out a soft hum, her eyes fluttering shut. You sigh, exchanging a look with Bucky.

“Almost midnight,” he says, checking the clock on the wall. “Think we can keep her up for the fireworks?”

You cradle Julie closer, brushing a strand of hair from her face. “We have to try. She’ll be upset if she misses them.”

Bucky steps closer, his vibranium arm resting gently on your back. “Fireworks, huh?” He leans down to nuzzle Julie’s cheek, his voice soft and coaxing. “Hey, baby girl, you wanna see the fireworks? Pretty colors in the sky?”

Julie stirs at the mention of fireworks, her tiny fingers curling into the fabric of your dress. “Fiwerworks?” she mumbles, her voice slurred with sleep.

“That’s right,” you say, kissing her forehead. “But you have to stay awake for them, okay? Just a little longer.”

Her eyes open a fraction, and she nods weakly, her thumb finding its way back into her mouth. Bucky grins, clearly charmed by her determination. “That’s my girl.”

The promise of fireworks seems to work, and Julie stays semi-alert as the minutes tick by. You and Bucky take turns holding her, walking her around the room to keep her from dozing off completely. Occasionally, she perks up when she hears laughter or music, but it’s clear she’s hanging on by a thread.

Meanwhile, Liam is fully immersed in the games, his earlier sleepiness forgotten. He’s running back and forth with a gaggle of kids, cheering loudly whenever someone scores a point or completes a challenge. Estelle joins in too, though she occasionally glances back at you and Bucky to make sure everything’s okay.

As the final minutes of the year approach, Tony takes the stage to announce the countdown, and the energy in the room shifts. People start gathering near the large glass doors leading to the garden, where the fireworks will be launched. The kids trickle back to their parents, their excitement palpable.

“Mom! Dad!” Liam calls, sprinting over to you with flushed cheeks and wild eyes. “It’s almost time! Can we go outside? Uncle Tony said the fireworks are gonna be HUGE!”

Estelle follows close behind, clutching her prize from earlier and looking equally excited. “I want to see them too!”

“Of course,” you say, smiling at their enthusiasm. “Let’s get our coats.”

You and Bucky bundle the kids up as quickly as possible. Julie, now fully awake at the mention of fireworks, clings to Bucky’s neck as he wraps her in her tiny pink jacket. “Fiwerworks, Daddy!” she says, her earlier sleepiness replaced by anticipation.

“That’s right, princess,” he replies, adjusting her hood. “Let’s go see them.”

The five of you step out into the garden, joining the crowd of partygoers waiting for the show. The night is crisp and clear, the stars twinkling above, and the air buzzes with the thrill of the approaching countdown. Bucky keeps Julie in his arms, her wide eyes scanning the sky, while Liam stands between you both, bouncing on his toes. Estelle stays close, her hand gripping yours tightly.

As the final seconds tick down, the crowd begins to chant. “Ten! Nine! Eight!”

You look up at Bucky, who’s already watching you with a soft smile. His free hand finds yours, squeezing gently. “Happy New Year, doll,” he murmurs, leaning down to brush a kiss against your temple.

“Happy New Year, Buck,” you reply, your heart full as you glance at your children, their faces glowing with excitement.

“Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!” the crowd cheers as the clock strikes midnight, and the first firework explodes in the sky. It’s a brilliant burst of color—red, gold, and blue—illuminating the garden in dazzling light.

Julie gasps, her tiny hand flying to her mouth. “Oooh!”

Liam lets out a cheer, jumping up and down as more fireworks light up the night. “Look, Mom! Look, Dad!”

Estelle claps her hands, her eyes sparkling as she turns to you. “They’re so pretty!”

You and Bucky exchange a look, a shared understanding passing between you. This moment—surrounded by your children, their laughter and awe filling the air—is everything you could have hoped for. He leans in, pressing a soft kiss to your lips, and you smile against him.

“Happy New Year, Mom and Dad!” Liam shouts, tugging on your hand. “This is the best!”

Bucky laughs, pulling you both into a group hug with Julie still in his arms. “Happy New Year, buddy. It’s just getting started.”

The fireworks die down, and the cheers from the crowd begin to fade into a hum of conversation and laughter. Midnight has come and gone, and while the party is just getting into full swing for most, you and Bucky exchange a knowing look.

The kids, their initial excitement fading, are starting to show signs of exhaustion. Liam tugs at your hand, leaning against your leg, his earlier energy replaced by sleepy eyes and slow movements. Julie rests her head on Bucky’s shoulder, her little hand clutching his jacket. Even Estelle, who usually has the stamina of a marathon runner, yawns widely as she rubs her eyes.

“You ready to call it a night?” Bucky asks, his voice low and warm.

You nod, brushing a strand of hair from Liam’s forehead. “Yeah. They had their moment, but they’re done. And honestly, so am I.”

Bucky chuckles, pressing a kiss to Julie’s temple. “Alright, let’s round them up.”

The kids don’t protest much as you gently guide them toward the door, saying your goodbyes to the Avengers along the way. Natasha gives you a knowing smirk, Sam teases Bucky about being an old man, and Steve promises to stop by for brunch soon. Tony makes a grand gesture of bidding farewell, but even he keeps it brief, clearly understanding the delicate balance of leaving before a kid meltdown.

By the time you reach the car, the crisp night air has lulled the younger two into a state of near-sleep. Bucky carefully buckles Julie into her booster while you help Liam into his car seat. Estelle climbs into the back with minimal fuss, clutching her stuffed animal and leaning her head against the window.

Once everyone is secured, you climb into the passenger seat, exhaling a long breath. Bucky starts the car, and the hum of the engine fills the quiet night. The drive home is peaceful, the streets nearly empty save for the occasional car heading in the opposite direction. The kids are silent, their breathing slow and steady as they drift off.

For a moment, it’s just you and Bucky, the soft glow of streetlights illuminating his profile as he drives. His hand rests on the gear shift, and without thinking, you place yours over it. He glances at you, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“Tired, doll?” he asks, his voice soft.

“A little,” you admit, returning the smile. “But happy. It was a good night.”

Bucky nods, his eyes flicking back to the road. “Yeah. Seeing them light up like that for the fireworks… worth every second.”

You squeeze his hand gently. “And you? You didn’t hate the party?”

He chuckles, the sound low and warm. “I had you and the kids with me. How could I?”

The quiet comfort between you is palpable, and you take a moment to study him. The way his jawline softens when he’s relaxed, the way his eyes crinkle just slightly when he smiles. You’re about to say something when a small murmur comes from the backseat.

“Daddy…” Julie mumbles, her voice thick with sleep. “Fiwerworks pretty…”

Bucky’s smile widens as he glances at the rearview mirror. “Yeah, princess,” he says softly. “They were pretty.”

By the time you pull into the driveway, all three kids are sound asleep. Bucky kills the engine, and the two of you sit there for a moment, neither wanting to break the spell of the quiet car. Finally, he turns to you with a grin. “Think we can carry them all inside without waking them?”

“Challenge accepted,” you reply with a playful smirk.

Bucky goes for Julie first, carefully unbuckling her from her car seat. She stirs slightly but doesn’t wake, her head resting on his shoulder as he cradles her against his chest. Meanwhile, you gently coax Liam awake enough to walk inside with your help. He grumbles softly, rubbing his eyes but ultimately lets you guide him.

Once inside, Estelle trudges toward her room on her own, too tired to argue about brushing her teeth or changing into pajamas. Liam makes it to his bed with a similar lack of resistance, flopping down onto his mattress as soon as he’s within range. You manage to get him into a pair of pajamas with minimal effort, though his eyes remain mostly shut the entire time.

Julie is the hardest, her small body limp and heavy in her sleep. Bucky sits on the edge of her bed, holding her upright while you gently pull off her party dress and replace it with her favorite unicorn pajamas. She lets out a sleepy sigh, her thumb slipping back into her mouth as her head lolls against Bucky’s chest.

“Almost done,” you whisper, smoothing her hair back. Bucky’s gaze softens as he looks down at her, his vibranium hand carefully tucking the blanket around her tiny frame once she’s settled in bed.

“She’s out like a light,” he murmurs, standing up and following you out of her room.

With all three kids finally in bed, the house falls into a deep, soothing quiet. You and Bucky make your way to the living room, collapsing onto the couch together. He stretches his arm along the back of the couch, pulling you close as you lean against him.

“Happy New Year, Mrs. Barnes,” he says, his voice teasing but tender.

“Happy New Year, Sergeant Barnes,” you reply, tilting your head to meet his gaze.

He presses a kiss to your forehead, lingering there for a moment. “We survived another year,” he says with a chuckle.

You laugh softly, your fingers tracing absent patterns on his chest. “And we’ll survive many more.”

The two of you sit there in the quiet of your home, the promise of a new year stretching out before you, filled with all the chaos, laughter, and love you’ve come to cherish.

[charmed-asylum]

The award for god damn my mouth drop like a cartoon cat goes to SY but u know . I know he doesn’t beat around the bush. However, was I thinking he be like this . And shit I can say from experience and studies that a lot he doing goes right with it. I mean sad thing and it’s really not just one person to pin point who could of fix this besides Thor town folks and trailer trash mom ( now idk where she grew up but hey it’s not me but cliches) that could of help. It’s sad because for her case she probably isn’t a slut while Sy is crazy he just type that knows it but tries to be all wooo man I mean I’m not crazy I’m caring but if u ever mess with me then haha u be getting a dead cat in your mail box or a stalker for life but wooooooo I’m just caring and being a human . Shit pat on the back and you good is looking out a simple box of stuff is looking out non stop poof Sy there is not helping out it’s stalking but bc this town is so small folks won’t see it. Oh he lucky that town size of a city block.

“On pay day, you go down to cash your check then give most of it right back, parsing it out for your various expenses. At the end of it, you have even less than the month before. You don't get it. Thing's only seem to get worse; not just money, but your body” honey this statement so spot on huh one a check back in the day like your time period AU money u get paid can last a month or last time now it’s like a blink poof gone and your body lord I’m only in my 20s and the issues I’m having at my age blown minds.

Sy just always there and idk why but it’s big ( lord I’m drooling and have not finish this thought) well as a whole get always with the sneak attack shit I’m barley 5 foot and I still have issues . Bc I’m too short they turn around and still don’t see me I gotta jump be like Boo. Anyway still damn “. For a big man, he sure can sneak up on you. “ also going back to my girl you got yourself a lifetime 20/20 level stalker. Hahaha way you keep doing Thor I can’t “ It isn't his fault he reminds you of that spoiled deadbeat. “ I wonder still wonder because he hasn’t been front with her which I feel it coming feel it coming . ( still gonna be shock) but on the why he gave her a reason which I’m gonna point out in a second but can “ I don't like to carry 'round debts. Let me buy you one." be one I mean it be least crazy one . And if not does he pray on pregnant women because of well a lot tumblr taught me a lot about kinks but because how easy the target she or how her emotions not there or pregnancy brain. “ You really don't get this man. You're no longer so sure that Thor sent him to check up on you, not since your last interaction. In fact, the wingman seemed more spiteful of him than you” also that he was so close to Thor which questioned his character like so he mad bc what Thor did or he use Thor for some reason. Because in small time I can’t see some friends falling out so easy bc hello who else u got .

This again makes me feel bad for her because while Sy seems nice and it your name was the fluff you don’t ask for I be all aww so cute and romantic but no nothing ever good and sweet it’s an huh my leg said in a sponge bob character voice. Like never so simple and sweet but damn how bad I felt reading this “ You glance over and find Sy watching you as he stands in the queue. His gaze makes you want to wilt.. Not even Thor looked at you like that. Don't be silly. Sy is just being a dutiful guy, helping out the town slut in her time of need. You won't be duped. Not when you can hear your name being twisted on tongues at that very moment” and fact he open ( after 1st day seeing her) mention he read books about pregnancy. It makes her wall slowly start to crack. “ He suggested before he's been reading things about pregnancy. You just can't picture him with a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting.”

HAAH I’m sure many mention this but lord can you imagine “ He returns with a black coffee and a rather colourful donut. They don't match. Bitter and sweet all at once. “ But no the way that he watches her even down to her fingers. Or what way her EYES 👀 may go. He’s watching her as if I only watching tho his pray but as if he I don’t know still in war zone, looking through his sniper or goggles, watching his enemy. But still huh I hate it the perfect crazy stalker but idk even talking to her not at her or down to her .

AND HE SO HONESTLY BLUNT like okay he playing a game of 1s and 00s and we doing tic tac toe. Still like , “ "Yes, I'd like to take care of you. And the little one, if you'll let me….. His eyes flick up to the ceiling and his cheek ticks as he gives the question genuine thought. When he looks at you again, his face is set, "because I want to." that to me feels ( because not 1st time) he thinking on how to say it like before with the honest but down play it. In away which is why I feel there more.

Called to Duty 4

Warnings: non/dubcon, pregnancy, abandonment, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Characters: Captain Syverson

Summary: You struggle to move on from the biggest mistake of your life but find it hard to forget among the whispers of a small town.

Part of the Backwoods AU

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

The bank is as ever anxiety inducing. On pay day, you go down to cash your check then give most of it right back, parsing it out for your various expenses. At the end of it, you have even less than the month before. You don't get it. Thing's only seem to get worse; not just money, but your body. Every day you wake up, you feel even more crummy than the last. 

Your hopes of a treat at the cafe are dashed. You give a longing look as you walk by and peer through the window. You can smell cinnamon and coffee. You're strict non-caffeinated, doctor's orders, but a decaf would be amazing with one of those cinnamon buns. Ugh, damn, why are you torturing yourself? 

You turn to continue down the street but barely dodge out of the way of another pedestrian. He makes sure you can't pass as he mirrors you, sidestepping to block your way. You sigh as you step back and look Sy in the face. For a big man, he sure can sneak up on you. 

"Hey," he flips up his dark sunglasses, "how're you feeling?" 

You stare up at him defiantly, not quite bold enough to glare. He hasn't done anything wrong, he's just persistent. It isn't his fault he reminds you of that spoiled deadbeat. Or that your emotions are volatile, one moment teary eyed, the next blazing hot with rage. 

"Fine, thanks for asking," you shrug, "Sy, I gotta--" 

"I owe you a cookie," he points to the cafe window at his shoulder. 

You blink. You remember the cracked shortbread. You forgot about that. The mention of the sugary treat makes your stomach growl and your mouth water. 

"No, you don't--" 

"I do," he insists, "I don't like to carry 'round debts. Let me buy you one." 

"I got it free," you say, "it's not a big deal." 

"It is to me," he counters, "I was heading in anyway." 

You stare at him. You really don't get this man. You're no longer so sure that Thor sent him to check up on you, not since your last interaction. In fact, the wingman seemed more spiteful of him than you. You look across the steeet to the pharmacy then back at him. The aromas wafting out with each swing of the door have you ravenous.  

"I can't stay long, I gotta work," you say. 

His cheeks twitch, as if he tamps back a smile before it can bloom, "after you." 

He gesture behind you to the door. You turn and lead the way. He reaches past you to open the door before you can and you enter ahead of him. The din within is lively and the air is warm from the crowd and the employees steaming out orders behind the counter. 

"Wanna find a seat?" He suggests, "you should rest." 

You open your mouth to argue but think better of it. You'd rather not stand in the clustered line. You nod and head off to claim the table by the window. There isn't much left. 

You pull out the chair and brace your back as you sit with a sigh. You glance over and find Sy watching you as he stands in the queue. His gaze makes you want to wilt, instead you turn your attention out the window. 

Not even Thor looked at you like that. Don't be silly. Sy is just being a dutiful guy, helping out the town slut in her time of need. You won't be duped. Not when you can hear your name being twisted on tongues at that very moment. 

You sit and wait, wring the strap of your small purse. You watch the street. If it wasn't for the people, Hammer Ford would be serene. 

A plate clinks in front of you and a porcelain mug as well. It isn't a cookie and you can smell the herbal tea's rosy flavour. You peer up at Sy as he gives an apologetic look. 

"Cookies are still baking so I got you a cinnamon bun," he says. 

"And tea?" You add. 

"Can't have one without the other," he says, "no coffee for you." 

"Yeah, I... I know." 

You could laugh. He suggested before he's been reading things about pregnancy. You just can't picture him with a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting.  

"Thank you," you smile as best you can. 

"Gotta get mine, be back," he excuses himself and marches back to the counter. 

You look down at the gooey iced draped spiral. You really shouldn't. Not only accept his misspent generosity but indulge in the excess sugar. Yet your hormones won't let you resist. You can at least wait until he's sitting down. 

He returns with a black coffee and a rather colourful donut. They don't match. Bitter and sweet all at once. He sits and takes off his hat and sunglasses. 

You put your purse to the edge of the table and rest your hand on your stomach, doing your best to resist the animalistic need to tear apart the dessert. His eyes follow the movement and you quickly drop your arm. You don't even think when you do it, it's just a habit. 

"You-" he begins. 

"Wh--" you find your voice at the same time. 

You both stop, hesitant. He nods and gestures to you, lifting his cup as he watches you intently. That's new too. Thor never listened much, only talked a lot. Besides, you weren't exactly together for the conversation. 

"Sy," you clear your throat and sit forward as much as you can, "why are you following me around?" 

His brows form a vee, "I'm... it's not... I'm tryna help." 

"Okay, but why?" 

His eyes flick up to the ceiling and his cheek ticks as he gives the question genuine thought. When he looks at you again, his face is set, "because I want to." 

"You want to?" 

"Yes, I'd like to take care of you. And the little one, if you'll let me." 

You can't help your snort, "we hardly know each other." 

"Isn't for lack of trying," he taps his fingers on his mug. "Aren't ya gonna try the bun?" 

"I will," you assure him. He's trying to distract you and it's close to working. The cinnamon is driving you mad. "A baby is a lot of work and... I'm not your responsibility. I know Thor is your friend." 

"Was," he interjects.  

"Sure," you accept his decisive declaration, "but that doesn't mean you have to worry about his mistakes." 

"Mistakes? I don't think so," he says. 

"Well, it's not exactly planned," you scoff, "Sy, really I don't feel right about you doing so much." 

"Wouldn't feel right not doing it," he shrugs his burly shoulders. 

“But why?” You nearly exclaim. You just want to know why he cares so much, about you? 

He leans forward, elbows on the table, “they talk about me too, ya know? Since I got back from... serving. They say I’m f—crazy, or whatever. It wasn’t easy or nothin’ over there but I’m not nuts. Not like they say. Just like you’re not some slut, forgive me for saying it out loud.” 

You look down at the table and exhale. So he hears as much as anyone else about you. At least he’s honest. At least he isn’t joining them. You purse your lips and reach for the cinnamon bun, unable to restrain yourself any longer. 

“For what it’s worth,” you raise your eyes to meet his, “I never thought you were... unwell, or whatever they say.” 

His cheeks pinch, another suppressed smile, and he tilts his head, “I’m only happy to hear you think of me.” 

[sturniololuv08]

TreeHouse Chapter 5

"We are not family."

Summary: Chris' first day in public school.

"First-day jitters are real, and they're not exactly butterflies, more like a swarm of angry bees."

⚠️This Fic Series will NOT be for people with triggers. This Fic Series will have very descriptive moments of abuse.⚠️

Please Read At Your Own Risk.

Chris' POV:

It was my first day of school. I had a fresh cut on my arm because Matthew came home upset after the game. Nick held me down, and Matt relieved his anger issues. It wasn't as bad as other times, only because our mom came in and reminded him I was going to be around other people today. She didn't care about me. I was wearing my long-sleeved shirt to cover the fresh wounds and jeans to hide the old burn marks. I had my book bag, and I felt more nervous than anything. Matt and Nick have already left. I had to take the bus, which wasn't bad. The bus was going to be time away from all of them. I was slowly walking to the bus stop with my hoodie over my face. Nick hit me in the mouth and split my lip last night when I squirmed from the pain. I tried my best to clean it up and make it not noticeable, but some things just were no matter what I did. I saw a group of kids ahead of me at the bus stop, so I waited, unsure of how to join the group without questions. None of them have ever seen me before. I spent years in my room chained to the wall with nothing but a shred of hope.

"Why won't you tell me what happened?" A guy asked his girl friend.

"Because I don't want to talk about it without Julia." The bus pulled up, saving her from the conversation for just a moment. I started walking to file in at the back of the line of students.

"Never seen you before." The driver said as I stepped up the stairs. I slowly lifted my head to look at him, not sure what kind of response he was looking for.

"I'm new." I whispered. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I shuffled my feet down the skinny aisle slowly.

"Take a seat." The attention directed at me started pounding my heart. I looked up to see what seats were open. I locked eyes with a girl with brown doe eyes in the back of the bus. She was the girl who didn't want to talk to her friend at the stop. She stood up fast upon seeing me. I looked back into her eyes, trying to understand why she was standing. She was beautiful. "Please take a seat!" The driver yelled a little harsher. She sat down with her mouth slightly agape. I sat randomly beside some strange kid and kept my head down. As the bus pulled into the parking lot drop-off, I started to regret being excited about school. I flowed off with the kids and went to hide in a corner away from everyone until the first bell rang. I wasn't sure how anything truly worked for public schools. I was bound to mess up, and one mess-up was all it took.

I looked around and saw Matt and Nick talking and laughing. I felt a tingly sensation in my gut. Matt caught me looking his way and glared at me. I quickly looked in the opposite direction and saw the girl from the bus with her friend and another girl. The two were laughing, but she wasn't. She was staring off into space. She snapped out of it because the bell rang in everyone's ears. I had to stop off at the office to get my schedule. Luckily, no one in the office questioned why I didn't start school with Nick and Matt. They just handed me a few used books and a schedule. I stared at it, trying to figure out how to read it. I desperately wanted to ask them for help or directions, but the lump in my throat burned my words before they could surface. I started walking down the halls aimlessly.

"Need help?" I turned around to see the girl's friend. He was tall and sporty.

"Yeah." I hesitantly handed him my schedule, and he peered over it.

"Ah." He boomed. I jumped and gripped my books tighter. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. You have the first period here. And then after you'll go back this way and head to the first door on the left. There." He pointed around the hallway we were standing in.

"Thanks." I snatched my papers back and started in the direction of my first class. I slid in just in time for the bell to go off.

"Late. No hoods in class. Sit." I avoided eye contact with the teacher as I followed every direction. I could feel them looking at me harder. "Christopher, right?" They moved to be standing in front of my chosen desk. I slowly lifted my head. "Nice to have you in class." They said softer than their initial tone. I jumped back into my seat when she moved her hand in front of me. She eyed me. "What can anyone tell me about The French Revolution." She continued waltzing around students. I was just pleased I didn't have this class with Nick or Matt. I listened and tried to understand every date, name, and piece of information being said, but the truth was that none of this made sense.

I didn't learn much growing up. In the basement, I was allowed to watch a few movies and read books, even though I wasn't sure how to read some of them. I tried my best to learn what I could from Matt and Nick whenever they were around me. It was always hard because they were never hanging out with me or being nice to me. They played with me, but never in a childish manner. The bell rang, and I dropped my book. "Try to relax." The teacher picked up the book for me. "I know it's your first day, but it'll get better." She handed me the book with a smile. I examined her face for a moment, trying to see her intentions before accepting the book back in my hand. I started walking down the crowded hallway to my next class. It was gym, so I was hoping I'd be able to get away with not wearing a school uniform, at least for today.

"You can watch today if you'd like. The school is aware of your condition."

"My condition?" I started panicking. If they knew and called my parents, it wouldn't end well. My parents would think I told someone something and blame me.

"The germ thing. It said it sometimes makes you a little weaker, so I thought today you could just watch. Get to know the class a little." They were super accommodating. "You can put your bookbag in the locker room." They nodded me in the right direction. I followed their instructions and walked into the doorless room and saw everyone laughing, changing, and putting their things away. I walked around looking for a locker to claim. It wasn't until I saw him that I froze.

"Woah, you guys look like -"

"Brothers." Nick finished.

"No way, there are three of you?" Someone else said. I felt my body heating up.

"Yeah, but he is younger." Nick looked angry all the attention was on us. I was frozen. My eyes looked around the room for an escape, but all I kept finding was a new pair of eyes watching us.

"Sup, Little Nicky." Someone tossed something at me. I dropped down to my knees and started sniffling.

"What -"

"Everyone out!" Nick yelled. People started scattering. I stayed on my knees with my head out of sight. I knew this wasn't going to end well. The chattering noise stopped. "Stand the fuck up!" He yelled. I slowly rose, my knees shaking violently once I was all the way up.

"I'm... I... I'm sor-" I stuttered, my tears at the corner of my mouth.

"Shut up." He demanded, and I jumped. He grabbed my arms before I had a chance to come back down from my jump and slammed me into the lockers with a loud bang. I whimpered, scared of the beating that was coming. "You will not fuck anything up for me. Do you understand?" His question was rhetorical. "Now everyone knows we are brothers because you are in school, but we are not family. You don't talk to me. Got it?" He screamed so close to my face I could feel his lips brushing my nose. "I asked if you got it?" He smacked the side of my face with his palm. I could feel the sting lingering. My ear was ringing.

"Yes, Nick." I whimpered.

"Don't fucking talk about me to anyone either." He said, walking out of the locker room. I knew then no matter what I did, my second-period class was always going to be the worst.

A/N Soooo? What's the vibe?

TreeHouse Taglist:

@trevorsgodmother @mintsturniolo @wysmols @chriss-slutt @middlepartmatt @blushsturns @shadowtheism @fratbrochrisgf @forgottxen @loveparqdise @courta13

This fic is TAGLIST SPECIFIC, meaning in order to be tagged in this, you HAVE to be on the list. I'm doing this because of TRIGGERS.

REBLOG INSTRUCTIONS: I don't mind just please stress the trigger warnings so no backlash comes back to me!

No one likes gym class but Chris definitely HATES it now... 😰

[nerdishpursuits]

Sayeth others what they will, I am really enjoying the show. Santiago's face at Pelayo's betrayal is a poem. So was Marta's trying to deny the allegations. Santiago: She's an invert

Marta: Excuse this poor, uneducated man. The linguistic complexities of the Thesaurus Dex are lost on him. What he means is Introvert.

All in all I'm glad Santiago's demise happens the way it does. Karmic justice prevailed in a way that stings worse for him, I think. He bit off more than he could chew, filled with self-importance and secure in his triumph over Marta. Having counted on Pelayo to back him up only to discover he's free-falling, no safety net in sight? Oh, how the turns have tabled, as @midniteowlet loves to say. Could be we have not seen the last of him, though. Alas, mediocre men? Ever their cup overfloweth with confidence. Santiago vowing vengeance even as he's being dragged away by the Civil Guard? Someone failed to understand the assignment, or asses the situation. Damian reaching out to hold Marta's hand as a vow of support and loyalty? Be still my heart, they've come SO far. In my humble opinion, the growth of their relationship has been one of the best written character arcs on the show. Marta & Damian: Dairy? What dairy? He's obviously trying to milk this lie for all it's worth

Santiago: Diary ... D I A R Y

Pelayo: someone take him out to pasture … the inmates work at the dairy farm, across town

As for Pelayo himself. So far, a pleasant surprise, albeit he largely remains an unknown. He signs the business deal without making a fuss. He returns Marta's diary to her, tells her he's not read it and advises her to get rid of it, informs her his reasons for helping her are his own and that he won't ask for favors, especially given men don't count among her tastes? Well. He's been a gentleman so far, noble and altruistic. Remains to be seen if he remains one. It would seem, tomorrow's preview corroborates the theory that Pelayo flies the Rainbow flag too. His 'I prefer to form my own opinions about people ... especially people like the both of us who don't fit the social mores' ... it appears he's confessing something personal to Marta, something that might level out the playing field between them. To me it looks like he's out to gain her trust. For what purpose? Now that's the question.

If he's to become this show's Harry Cameron? I'm not opposed. Marta needs more allies and here's to hoping, as the show progresses, these two end up having a beautiful friendship. It really would be Marta hitting the jackpot in 1958: a sympathetic husband / best friend who ended up accepting her for who she was and a gay business partner / friend. Let's see where it all goes. Presently, he’s definitely trying to curry favour with Marta. For what reason, has yet to be determined. I will say? I am not liking Carmen at all these days. She acts like Tasio's mom, not his wife, as if he were incapable of making his own decisions. She's judging Marta as if she were a stranger and removes any and all accountability from Tasio. I keep repeating myself, but one questionable decision does not a questionable person make. Carmen being such a hot-head about this, while befitting her volcanic personality, is rather disappointing. I know she'll reconsider, but to think Marta is trying to buy Tasio's silence by ceding part of her shares in the company is ludicrous. Marta has always appreciated and supported Carmen within the company, and Carmen has had a front-row seat in witnessing Marta's fairness and kindness, her struggles and triumphs. I really need Fina to talk some sense into her. Volcano vs. Volcano. That ought to be a sight. Might I also hope Marta gives Fina the diary to read before she disposes of it? That they have a heartwarming conversation about it, growing even closer in their love, taking their intimacy to new heights? Because dispose of it she will, I think: sadly, it’s a smoking gun they can't afford.

Short rant long? Alright novelita. Lead the way. Let’s see what else you’ve got in store.

[fandomobbsessedb]

Your Favorite Player’s Favorite Player

Chapter 1 : Prologue.

Warning: Swears, fire, mob like guys, stressful situation, weapons, there may be some age inaccuracy but who the hell cares. It’s entertainment.

“Where have you been?”

I leaned my head down thinking I had my way past him. My snitchy ass older brother Gi-Hun. He’s always in my business. Even though he’s older by like, psh, 30 years at least, he’s always in my business, like he has to take care of me like a parent.

“I wasn’t anywhere oppa” I rolled my eyes at him going to walk past his much taller, lankier frame in the doorway.

“You weren’t wearing the shirt when you went to your friends house this morning, did something happen.” He asked crossing his arms. Knowing he had a soft spot for me, I turned off my attitude and turned on the theatrics. With a sigh I dropped my shoulders.

“Y/N, did something happen?” He asked again, his voice still sounding accusing. I rolled my pack off of my shoulder and pulled out the shirt I had this morning, my friend had offered to pour her juice on it so that I could leave the store wearing the shirt I wanted. Turning around with an upset face I held it out to him feeling his tough calloused hand take it from mine.

“(F/N)’s baby brother spilled his juice all over me earlier so she offered me her shirt to wear in the meantime.” I kept my gaze on the floor. I knew I would laugh in his face if I had to look at how stupid he was.

“Mhm, okay. I’ll just get this washed for you then.” He said with a softer tone.

“Thanks” I quickly turned away ready to shut myself in my room and empty my backpack when he just had to stop me again.

“Where’s F/Ns shirt from? It looks really good on you.” He said. Kissing my teeth I turned back around and shrugged.

“It looks like it’s from Nohant, and it was 50,000 won. Wow.” He added, causing me to whip around to face him, he was closer to me now, holding a ripped tag in his hands. With a surprised face he looked back at me. “At least that’s what this tag says” he pointed to it.

“Ugh, go away Gi-Hun.” I protested in his face, taking my shirt back, when he grabbed at my arm.

“Your stealing again aren’t you?! Damn it Y/N what did we talk about just a few months ago.” He shouted at me, keeping a firm grip on my arm.

“Let me go weirdo.” I struggled against him.

“No y/n, I care about you to much to let you go down this path.” He said harshly, rolling my eyes I met his with scorn.

“And why is that huh? Why DO you care so much, your not mom, you have your own issues, I’m just getting ahead my own way.” I spat in his face before he finally released me to my room.

I slammed my door shut and threw my bag down to start looking at the loot my friend and I had split. I heard a sigh from the door before he spoke up.

“Because, your life hasn’t even really started yet and you’re already sinking.” I heard him say before his footsteps receded into our creeky old house. I shrugged and started trying on jewelry we had snagged today.

Now as I look at myself getting ready for work in the mirror, I still don’t think what I was doing was wrong, because I’m still getting away with it, I mean, it’s not stealing if you don’t get caught.

And Gi-Hun wasn’t even around to catch me. Gi-Hun hadn’t been home for about a week, ever since he went missing for a week three years ago he hasn’t stopped going on about this game he thinks he played where 455 other players all died and he had won 45.6 billion won. Since then he’s been trying to find it again and stop it. I wonder when his cop buddies will give up on him and drop him off at home with a dementia diagnosis.

—— a few hours later——

There was only a few downsides really when your working at one of the shitier hotels in Seoul, Korea. Mostly the pay and the people, we have crooks and wrong doers staying all the time, even some working there. Myself included. When cleaning up one guests room while he was away, my eyes just so happened to meet the shiny watch and wallet sitting right there…. Right on the desk…….. I’ve been needing a new wallet, and that one looks like it would do just nicely.

Another upside is the five finger discount you get on “local” merchandise.

I quickly stashed the pricey looking objects into my bra before I grabbed my cart and left, assuming nobody had seen. However I failed to notice there were two guests staying in the room…. And one was using the bathroom when I came in.

I entered the elevator the next day ready to check into work, when a hand grabbed at the door, stopping it from closing, I went to step out of the way when the same hand grabbed around my throat.

My back was shred up against the wall of the shitty elevator as the thug jumped me. A handful of others walked in creating a shield around the sight. I heard them press a button for the highest floor. As the elevator made its way up, his hand slowly got tighter and tighter.

“Are you sure this is her?” He asked looking over his shoulder to another guy, wearing the clothes I remember dropping off from dry clean just the other day.

“Oh I’m sure, all the maids shoes look the same except hers, she’s got that cute little buckle on the ankle” he said lighting up a cigarette and kicking at my thrashing feet. I clung to his hands trying to pry them away from my neck only to fail miserably.

“Where’s my wallet bitch?” He asked picking my head up using my throat and slamming it on the wall again.

“What wallet, I have no idea-“ as soon as the strangled words left my mouth I felt a cold hard barrel push into my side.

“Need a reminder?” The goon asked close to my ear, I could feel the moisture coming off his breath as he get personally familiar with the tissue of my outer lobe.

I thrash again to get him away only to hear the cock of the gun. “Okay! Okay! I pawned it.” I cried out shakily as the grip on my throat got tighter.

“There’s no need to make this so hard you two.” A voice from behind spoke up. Just as I saw small dots in the corners of my eyes I was let go and kicked to my knees, the fall caused my tights to rip right at my inner thigh, when I tried to scramble away a loafer stepped on the tip of my tights causing my pull to bust even more of the seams. A well dressed man attached to the foot inside the shoe bent at his waist down to my level.

“I’m to assume you pawned it recently then correct? Must’ve given you a pretty sum in return, it was brand new too.” He softly spoke in my face taking my cheek softer than the other man had taken my neck. I nodded fearfully as my lip quivered.

“Knowing a pretty little thing like you has probably never seen that big of an amount in her life I’m going to assume you didn’t know what to do and just have it locked away at home right?” He asked. I nodded again my body growing shakier.

“Then I’ll tell you what, you go and get that wallet back, and this whole thing will have never happened.” He replied with a stoic face standing back up, releasing my tights. Nodding I leaned back against the wall.

“Until then however-“ he got cut off as the goon with the gun yanked my purse from me, “We’re going to hang onto this for some insurance” he said holding his hand out to the man to look through it. Opening my wallet they found my debit card, and a small picture of my brother and I from when I was little on the inside.

“Don’t let this take too long, otherwise- we’ll have to hold something else for insurance.” He quietly spoke, leaning really close to my face with the picture before using his lighter to catch the corner. I heard the bell ring signaling the top floor they where staying on. As all his men retreated from the door, right before the man followed he took one last look at me and dropped the now flaming picture onto the floor.

He pressed the button to shut the door and quickly jumping out of the way of the closing door as the machine once again descended.

With an aching sigh I sat up hugging myself. What was I going to do? I had spent the money. I used it to pay off some personal bills and previous expenses, it was only enough to chip at it though and if I didn’t have the money back from the wallet and its contents… it might just be easier for them to kill me.

Changing out of my work outfit back in the housekeeper locker room, I quickly left the building for the train station to go home. To try and figure out a plan.

When I got there I sat down on a bench far from the entrance and other riders. As I sat waiting, I took out my phone and considered… texting my brother…. I don’t know how he got all that money but he had it, I could borrow some from him just to pay off those guys or to buy the wallet again and give it back. But then I would owe Gi-Hun, I didn’t need that added stress right now. I felt a soft hand on my shoulder before I looked up.

“Miss is everything okay?” He asked, he had slicked back hair and a nice suit on, thinking he was a goon from before I jumped away from him grabbing for my pocket knife.

“Who are you, where you with those guys in the elevator,” I rushed out wielding my knife at him. Making a shocked face he simply smiled at me and said…

“I just wanted to ask if you might play a game with me. How does a game of ddakji sound?”

After having lost one too many of an easy kids game I felt a need for redemption. I stared at the number on the back of the card as I walked home. Was this that thing Gi-Hun was talking about before? I doubt it that was one measly kids game, almost half a hundred dozen people couldn’t have died from just that.

Walking into the house I sat at the table with a sigh as I cradled my face in my hands, thumbing at my sore throat. I stood to grab a bag of ice for my neck when I heard a creek from behind me. Whipping around and seeing nothing, I quickly shoved the card into my purse and quietly slunk to the counter to grab a kitchen knife. I quietly creeped towards the halls entrance as I heard the creeks of the one floor board getting closer and closer. When a body flushed past me at the entrance I swung out the arm with the knife only to be grabbed at my wrist.

“It’s just me Y/N.” Taking a glance at his starchy brown eyes in the soft light from the kitchen, Jun-ho released me and took the knife into his own hand.

“Oh, you had me worried” I sighed out resting my hands on my hips, “I thought some creeper had gotten In.”

“Is everything okay?” Gi-Hun spoke from his doorway making his way to meet us in the hall. With a groan I turned around to grab my purse from the table.

“I stand corrected” I mumbled hoisting my heavy purse over my shoulder once again.

“What happened to your neck y/n?” Gi-Hun asked me looking down at me concerningly.

Shoving him away from me I grabbed my purse from the table and walked to my room.

“Nothing” I mumbled trying to breach past him, only for him to gram my arm again, with a sigh I did the only thing I could think of.

“Really oppa, I’m fine.” I said again clearer, playing on his soft side, hoping he would just drop it. Luckily for me he sighed as well and released me. I big my goodbye to Jun-Ho giving my brother a small hug on his arm in goodbye, before he could hug back though I quickly left.

Later that day once I heard the both of them leave the house, I picked up my purse once again and dialed the given number.

“Do you wish to participate in the game? If you wish to participate, please state your name and birthdate…”

AN: AH OKAY THIS IS CHAPTER 1 what do ya’ll think? Too long? Too short? HOPE U ENJOY!! Stay tuned for chapter 2!!!!!

Yours truly

~ FandomObbsessedB

TAGLIST: @jamiewritesfanfiction-blog @blacksnape123 @newtsniffles @missmollya

[bookvvitch]

ᡣ𐭩 Kissed By The Baddest Villain ᡣ𐭩

Synopsis: At the behest of your Uncle Kagero, you agree to be a member of the League Of Villains, loaning out your quirk to aid in their cause. Everything seems to be going as planned--until the guys all start acting weird. Why do they bicker every time you're in a room? How are you going to get used to all this attention?

And who are you going to decide to give it back to?

●Mature themes ●Minors DNI ●Sexual Implications ●Suggestive Themes ●Eventual Smut

Chapter 1: Dibs

"C'mon, Yume! Couldn't you do your Uncle Kagero this one teensy little favor?" 

You bat your lashes at him, smiling, gentle as a dove when you ask him, "Do I get a cut of the finder's fee?"

Giran's eye twitches before he takes a long drag off of his cigarette. He hates that you're this well-versed in his career. It would be so much fucking easier if his kid sister didn't marry one of the most notorious villains the West could import, thus all but guaranteeing your involvement. In fact, both sides of your family have a long line of villainy, nearly each and every branch on the tree some kind of Yakuza or general criminal all the way down. You were hanging out in the back room of Uncle Kagero's office before you were out of diapers, absorbing this lifestyle since you were a zygote. Pushing back on giving you a cut this time would prove to be futile.

"Fuck--fine. You win, you get a quarter of their finder's fee," he relents, the cherry of his cigarette glowing in his dusty room as he rests his legs atop the corner of his desk, one ankle crossed over the other.

"Half or I'm not doing it,"

He nearly chokes, "What makes you think I'd give you half, you little shit!"

"Because you seem pretty desperate to bring this guy someone for his team. I'm guessing you need the money. And if you need the money bad enough, you'll settle for half of it," you say this all with the sweetest smile that you can muster. 

You've got him over a barrel. 

Giran taps his index finger on the chipped varnish of his desk, sucking at his teeth, bitter ash wafting through the air. The weather is mild now, but it's only fall. Winter is going to be thrust upon him before he knows it and then he's going to need heat this place. And he would rather freeze to death than ask your mom for cash to get the heat turned back on. Was he some high profile super villain? Of course not. But he made his money with his own two hands. Phoning his niece for a favor didn't count. 

Especially not if you were getting a cut.

This way, you're just another employee at a family business.

"Alright, I'll give you fucking half, Yumemi. Christ. Shoulda never taught you how to negotiate," Giran chuckles under his breath as he speaks, understanding the part he's played in your character, "Don't forget to tell your ma this time, yeah? She'll kill me if she finds out I'm why you didn't come home again,"

"Uncle, I'm an adult. Like, a real adult, I'm twenty four. Mom and dad need to learn to cut the cord already," you tell him with a roll of your eyes.

Giran pinches at the bridge of his nose, frustration becoming palpable, "Yumemi--"

"Alright, alright. I'll text her,"

"Thank you," he sighs. 

His amnesia doesn't work on your mom since she inherited the same quirk, so it's not like he can worm his way out of this situation if something goes awry. At least you're being reasonable about this aspect. Giran relaxes his shoulders and leans back in his chair. Your quirk fetches a pretty penny. On top of that, he can all but guarantee they'll agree to take you on immediately, as cute as you are. Might as well not throw away a sure thing. Half the cut isn't so bad, he thinks. 

"So who am I working for?" You pry, "Is it that guy who has beef with Gang Orca again?"

"No, not this time. Think a little younger,"

Younger? You were one of the youngest people in established villainy. Who the hell was he talking about?

He sends out a text that you sneakily read from over his shoulder to a person named Kurogiri:

I've got someone special for the league

"Pack your suitcase," he says, "I have a feeling they're not gonna turn you away,"

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗————˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

You both step through a hazy black portal and into a bar, now face-to-face with the text recipient. He's more mist than man, though he would have to be solid under there somewhere with the way he wipes down shotglasses behind the counter, glass squeaking with every swipe. 

"Hello, Giran," a voice calls out from Kurogiri, in spite of his lacking a mouth, "Shigaraki Tomura and the others have yet to return, but they will be back momentarily," he turns his attention to you, yellow eyes flickering, "Are you our potential member?"

"I believe I am. My name is Saito Yumemi. It's very nice to meet you," the introduction you choose is quite the same as you always use, polite and pleasant. 

"I am pleased to make your acquaintance as well," Kurogiri responds in kind. 

He seems to be a mild and reasonable man. If this is who you'll be working with, you aren't worried about loaning out your quirk. 

Giran opens his mouth to speak, but as soon as he does, a portal is opened just to your left, revealing a small group of people who look to be somewhere around your age at a glance. Upon closer inspection, it appears as though you're in the median age group, though it's a bit difficult to tell with how they're dressed. Each of them gape awkwardly, caught somewhat off guard at your presence. A man with a heteromorphic quirk shuffles nervously, carding his fingers through pink hair as someone in ragged, dark clothing flecklessly stares. Another member, who looks to be dressed as a magician of sorts, dons a mask which shifts to an expression of shock. The others shift their weight from one foot to another as they wait for an explanation. A blonde girl in a school uniform is the first to approach you, fangs glinting as she flashes you a toothy grin, her demeanor much more cheerful than what you're used to. 

"I'm Toga Himiko!" She introduces herself immediately, bouncing on the balls of her feet. 

"Hold on," a man with shaggy blue hair rasps from behind a hand, "We don't even know who this is yet. Giran. Who did you bring? She doesn't look like she would.. do this,"

"Shigaraki, let me introduce you to Saito Yumemi. She was born and bred into villainy, so don't worry, she's not as soft as she looks," Giran explains as he puffs a cigarette from between his teeth. 

"Hmm. What can she do?" Shigaraki continues his questioning as the others all mill around in the liminal space behind him. 

Giran grins, "Yumemi's quirk is Parasomnia. It allows her to put people into a dreamlike state, where they become, let's just say, very impaired. She can inflict nightmarish hallucinations on whoever her quirk is affecting if she so chooses. She's just gotta know their names for it to work," 

"Do aliases work?" Shigaraki pries for more information. 

"She--"

"It needs to be the full name. However, it's mostly just villains who are unregistered. If you're trying to take down heroes, this won't be a problem since they'll all have hero licenses, or will at least be on the path to obtaining one. It can only work on one person at a time, though," you interject, preferring to speak for yourself.

"Show me," he insists, "Toga Himiko is her given name. So show me what you can do,"

The girl in question simply smiles, willingly parking herself in front of you.

"Okay, then. Come at me," Toga doesn't even flinch before she lurches in your direction with a knife she's pulled out of her skirt, giggling and giddy with bloodlust.

"Toga Himiko," you call to her, voice wispy, echoing in a dreamy haze. 

She stops dead in her tracks. 

"You look so tired. Aren't you tired?" Toga's eyes become heavy-lidded and glossy as she sinks to her knees, her smile reduced to a slight nudge at each side of her mouth, arms like lead at her sides, "What do you see?"

"I see.. UA high school," she's compliant and monotone, head bobbing before she drops onto her back entirely.

"What's your favorite color, Toga Himiko?"

"Pink. Oh, there's pink clouds. Just look at them," she looks as though she's about to float away.

"They're nice, aren't they? Now, why don't you tell me that secret you wanted to share. Remember?"

"Yeah. Of course I remember," Toga is now splayed out on the floor like a starfish, "I'm in love with Izuku and Ochaco. They're the best. I really want their blood,"

"As you can see, I'm able to get information this way. If suggestion doesn't work for them, I can put them into something similar to sleep paralysis, which usually does the trick. Works better if they tell me what they're afraid of but I can make them see anything, good or bad. It doesn't do any physical harm, but psychologically, it's quite damaging. If I don't keep talking to her, she'll wake up on her own when this wears off in about two minutes. I'll also need to rest if I use it for more than a couple of hours,"

It's quiet for a few beats, the room so still you could hear the breath of a mouse. 

"And what do you go by?" The silence is interrupted by Shigaraki. Two crimson eyes peer out from splayed, rigid fingers, haunting and vibrant. A chill runs down your spine. 

"I prefer to go by Nyx when conducting business, but I don't mind being informal when it's just us. You can call me whatever you would like in private," your uncle flinches at your words, the five male members of the league training their eyes on you--most of them flustered and blushing--all the while you're none the wiser. 

Mom and dad have always been villains, which means you didn't go to public school. Your whole life has been a slew of private tutors and playdates that were arranged by your collective parents, not by yourself or the other children. After around age ten, this was exclusively female companionship, your father becoming very cautious of his only daughter. As a result, you're polite, studious, and well-spoken... but horribly under-socialized. Namely with the opposite sex.

Shigaraki's eyes won't meet yours when he says, "Welcome to the League of Villains," he makes a vague motion with his hand, "Kurogiri, give Giran his fee. I'll show her to her room,"

"Why do you get to show her?" The man with piercing blue eyes and dark hair approaches. He smells like the smoke from a bonfire. 

"Because I'm in charge, Dabi, not you," Shigaraki bites. 

"Then shouldn't one of us take her to her new quarters so you're free to pursue other duties?" The magician interjects, offering you a gloved hand as he bows to you, "Mr. Compress, at your service. I'll be happy to show you to--"

"I should probably do it. You guys are super busy, and m-my room's on the way, so, it'd make more sense for me t'do it. Hey, I'm Spinner. It's nice to meet ya," the guy with the Stain getup says, eye contact fleeting.

"Did you do the dreamy thing? Was it neat?" Toga springs up from her spot on the floor, recovering quicker than you had expected, "Why does everyone look all red and sweaty?"

Giran rolls his eyes until you're sure they're scraping the back off his skull as Kurogiri hands him off a wad of cash, "Figured you'd fit right in here. I'll give ya your portion when things settle down. See ya, Yume," and with that, he's stepping through a portal. 

He's lucky you know he's good for it.

"No, you all have to work on your skills. Gotta fine tune those super cool skills. It's best if I walk her to her room," says a guy in a full body catsuit, a terse, "Piss off, assholes!" soon to follow.

"I said I'm walking her down there, Twice. Don't bother," Shigaraki sneers in such a way that you can tell he's becoming irritated.

"Counterpoint," says Dabi, "Fuck you, I'm doing it,"

Hubbub ensues. You're not entirely certain what you've done, but something has obviously set them off, the lot of them squabbling like elementary kids who want the same toy. Is this what younger guys are like? Seems like they'll fight over anything if walking someone to their room is such a commodity to them. How strange.

Toga doesn't speak a word when she takes you by the hand and leads you down the hall. The sharp chatter of bickering can still be heard as you two crest the doorway into a small room at the back of the bar. In it, there's a twin bed, a lamp, a nightstand, and a trunk for personal items. It's more of a prison cell than a room, but you've stayed in worse for smaller cuts of finder's fees. You'll just pretend it's a dorm or something. 

"Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, Yumemi?" She asks you, plopping onto your bed like it's her own. 

"No, not right now. Why?"

"Oh, just wondering," Toga kicks her legs, "I think it'll come up sooner or later is all,"

She flashes you a certain look, one you're not sure the meaning of, before she traipses back to the den of the bar, stating she'll be back later for a sleepover. You're not used to the company when on missions like this, but you're not opposed to it. In fact, what you mostly are is surprised, since you've recently put her to sleep and wrang the secrets out of her. Maybe she's used to having quirks tested on her, or maybe she genuinely doesn't care. Either way, you're grateful to have someone around to show you the ropes. Every villain organization runs a little differently and it'll make the adjustment that much easier this way. 

When Toga enters the den, the guys are still bickering, poking at one another's chests and stage whispering threats. 

"You're all so adorable," Toga coos at them, pressing her hands to her flushing cheeks. 

All of them snap their eyes to her. 

"Where's Yumemi?" Dabi asks, separating himself from the group to lean against the wall.

With a snicker, Toga explains, "I took her to her room since nobody else could decide who got to do it,"

"And that's Miss Saito to you," Mr. Compress chastises him with a shift of his mask. 

"She said we could call her whatever we wanted," is Dabi's retort.

"Wrong, fucker. She said I could call her whatever I wanted, so long as we're alone," Shigaraki corrects him as he mindlessly scratches at his neck. 

Spinner crosses his arms, "Boss, c'mon, that was the royal you, not YOU you,"

"Dibs," Dabi proclaims, flames sparking in his cerulean gaze. 

"You can't call dibs on a lady!" Compress snaps his spine ruler straight.

"Yeah, Dabi, she's a person. Don't dibs her like she's a bus seat," Spinner gives a scornful, sidelong glance as he speaks.

"Doesn't matter. I called dibs, that means I get to shoot my shot first,"

"That's not how this works!" Shigaraki grits through his teeth.

"Oh? And how would you know, virgin?" Dabi spits his words like venom.

More chatter breaks out as Toga grins wildly, content to observe the show these clowns were putting on for her in the circus of their own making. Life is good. 

"Hey, hey, wait a minute!" Dabi commands the room, all eyes focusing on him when he asks, "Where the fuck is Twice?"

There's a knock at your door, followed by a, "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, come on in," you're taken aback somewhat, having not expected anyone to need you again so soon. 

Twice breaches the door, waving his hand and smiling visibly even through his mask. 

"Just wanted to properly introduce myself. I'm Twice, but feel free to call me Jin. That's my real name. Use whichever you want," he stands with his hands on his hips, another voice countering the previous statement with, "Screw introductions, call me Daddy! Mmff.. Sorry. The other guy isn't always polite,"

Ah, so that's why he's called Twice. Makes sense. 

"That's okay, I've heard way worse. Trust me. I'll stick with Jin when we're here, and you're welcome to call me Yumemi. Unless Daddy is still on the table," you simper with your last sentence, and he jumps in his spot. 

"W-what? Okay, I, uh--" he stammers hard, poking his index fingers together. 

"Oh, I was only joking! I'm sorry if I upset you,"

"No, it's not that, just--"

"Who's upset in here? Better not be our little doll," a smoky voice rasps out before revealing Dabi through the entryway. 

"We were just introducing ourselves properly," you say, rising from the edge of the bed. You extend your hand to Dabi, "I don't think we've said hello just yet. I'm Yumemi,"

He accepts your hand into his own, his palm sweltering, "Dabi. Pleasure's all mine. If you ever need anything at all, even if it's in the middle of the night--"

"Then she'll come to me because I'm the head of this entire thing," Shigaraki cuts him off, still covered in several hands, which you're praying are plaster. 

"We're all loyal to the tenets of Stain, though, Shigaraki. Ain't gonna bother any of us to help her out. I mean.. me, personally, I know I'd come by during any hour of the day or night. 'Cause that's what we do as a team, even if we're not the boss," Spinner pushes his way into the room, shoulder-checking Dabi and Twice to fit into the close quarters. 

"I am personally and readily available for your entertainment, Miss Saito," Compress bows as he enters the room in a cloud of smoke. 

So is he actually a magician after all? 

"Please, call me Yumemi when we're off duty," you tell him, and he captures your hand in his own, the silk of his scarlet glove soft to the touch. 

"I'm flattered to have such a privilege," he says, voice taking on a plush tone.

"Ah-hah!" Spinner points at Shigaraki, "I told you it was the royal you! She meant all of us!"

"No, it's not a privilege, really. I'm just me. You're all welcome to call me by Yumemi any time. As my dad always says, formalities are for heroes,"

The room has become a blaring fortissimo of conversations, insults saturating the air, curses you've never even heard before hurled like hidden rocks in snowballs. 

What the hell have you gotten yourself into?

[kcalsforhim]

𓏲.ೃ࿔❀˙˖ ｡ thursday 9 jan 2025

༄.°

i woke up in the worst state someone could find me in LOL. i can’t recall much except feeling so fucking terrible ;; i did go to college and haku didn’t go to college so i was all alone

2 sugar free red bulls

2 sugar free coca cola oreo

in class for the first half i worked on a drawing for college then on the second half i talked with my classmates to make sure i could actually be included in the second half of the group project pretty please. i had a lot of cool ideas and that is a lot of fun im excited for that

then when i was walking home my mom sends me a text, she got called by a number and she’s asking me who it is. i checked and the number called me too

earlier in the day i sent my mental health coordinator at college that i wanted to commit suicide on new years and i ended up not doing it, and that im just kind of lost now ;; and she started panicking and called me

we had a nice conversation on the phone about a new special trajectory for me so that i can calm down and obviously get extra help and bla bla. this has been weighing on me for like.. ever since i started college again, but mostly since start of november, that’s also when i started binge eating.. or well, it started developing.

afterwards i just started to stress and i wanted to binge, it was a good convo, but i wanted to eat everything in sight. instead i went to the shops to spend money there instead since another one of my comforts is shopping. (yeah i know lots of bad comforts)

i went to miniso and got lots of kuromi stuff, bottles and lunch box that’s tiny and even a hair straightener ; then i went to primark and bought a pair of sweatpants and a kuromi hoodie and pyjamas and more kuromi stuff. i also went online and ordered a pair of pants. yes i went crazy.

however, i got no food. when i got to my local train station i began my walk home and my knees wobbled and i just kind of half fell on the floor, i was so exhausted and it was. cold. icy cold. i called my friend and asked him to get me

he did and he was deadass pale like a ghost. he had to hold onto me when we got me some groceries so i could eat. he even pulled out of his savings to have enough for what i wanted to eat

he got me cigarettes and got me everything i wanted, just ingredients for a dish. he held me when i felt my legs giving out lol, he took me home and he gave me the longest hug ever and asked me to keep safe, i told him i would try

a pokebowl containing salad mix, spicy mayonnaise, edamame beans, half of an avocado, carrot shavings, cucumber cubes, shrimp and salmon.

4 courgette hashbrowns / cakes

3 medjoul dates

1 protein yogurt

i didn’t count my cals cause i knew if i didn’t eat something properly i would and will binge eat everything and i was feeling really emotional so i would rather eat salad and salmon than a big thing of cookies… im just saying… 3 dates instead of 1 for the same reasoning

its pathetic but i did half all of the ingredients at the very least, half the avocado, half the salmon, half the shrimp, ect ect. i made my mom a small bowl to eat out of too and that’s where the extra meat went (i ate similar meal today too)

i wanted to eat more and more and more afterwards but i ended up not doing it dont worry. i just chewed a lot of gum to get my jaw moving and active so that i wouldn’t go downstairs to chew on something else yk ?

i am relieved things in my life will change though, i’m relieved. telling everyone in my life i wanted to be gone on new years stressed me the fuck out

fitting for how i felt yesterday, i listened to it a lot that day too… it just resonates with me, you know ?

𓏲.ೃ࿔❀˙˖ ｡ stats for today

streak : 4 days binge free, thank god

cals : n.v.t

steps : 15.2 k

overall today went shit in well, EVERY regard, not just food. im cutting myself a little slack. the next day; so today as im writing this, i did eat the leftovers but only because my friend pulled from his savings for me to be able to eat something i find comfort in. my favourite restaurant is closed, so i have to make their dish from my own memory. i hope you guys understand but im ready to feel terrible by the next day (11th)

༄.°

[obitez]

Bean's Birthday! 🐶🎂

Due to today being my wiener dog's birthday, here's another Bean fic!

Full fic on AO3

Tommy didn’t know when exactly Bean’s birthday was. He had taken the dog in when Bean was two years old, and was just told ‘oh, his birthday is in January.’ And since Tommy picked the little wiener dog up on January 9th well… 

It was pretty self-explanatory. 

Tommy celebrated Bean's birthday on January 9th. 

Bean was going to be turning five this year. 

🎂 🎂 🎂 🎂 🎂

It was no surprise to anyone that Tommy liked to spoil Bean. And really, it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. 

Other than his boyfriend, who Tommy also spoiled, he was a man in his forties with a very well paying job and no children. Despite California’s very high cost of living, sometimes he had more money than he knew what to responsibly do with. 

So he spoiled his dog. 

The only problem with spoiling Bean, was that Bean was very picky… and very hard to spoil. 

Most dog toys were too big for him to pick up in his mouth, and the ones that were small enough for him to pick up, half the time Bean paid no attention to them. Tommy didn’t want to know how much money he had spent on toys that Bean ignored because they were small but had no squeaker. He hoped the other dogs at the animal shelter liked them. 

Then there were the dog treats. If they weren’t either meat flavored, Bean would also ignore them. Even when Tommy tried stuffing the mini Kong full of peanut butter, Bean sniffed it only to walk across the room. Last year Tommy had bought those little specialty doggy cupcakes for Bean’s birthday, only for Bean to ignore those as well. 

Tommy supposed if he lived in a cold climate, especially with this time of the year, he could buy a new sweater or jacket for Bean, but with the lows being in the upper forties still, Tommy didn’t think they would be very useful. 

Truthfully though, the only person Tommy knew who could pick out good presents for the dog was Tommy’s mom. Bean loved  all of the presents Tommy’s mom sent him. Maybe it was his mom’s scent on them or something, he didn’t know, because when Tommy bought nearly identical toys at Target for Bean, Bean didn’t want anything to do with them. 

But the presents she had mailed over for Christmas Tommy had already given to Bean, and Tommy didn’t want to make it a big thing. Because the worst part about Bean's birthday was that it was right after Christmas. So after trying to think of Christmas gifts for his dog for months, he needed to turn right back around and come up with a birthday gift. 

Which again left Tommy in a conundrum. What should he do for Bean’s birthday this year? 

🎂 🎂 🎂 🎂 🎂

Buck hummed as he walked up behind Tommy as he stood at his kitchen counter. “What’s that look on your face for?” he asked. 

Tommy turned his head to look at Buck. “What look?” he asked. 

“You look conflicted about something,” Buck said. “Like you need to make a decision and don’t know what to do.” 

Tommy chewed his lip as he thought of a way to word what he was going to say. “Bean’s birthday is next week,” Tommy said. “I haven’t figured out what to get him.” 

Buck’s eyes widened as he took in what Tommy had just said. “His birthday is next week?” Buck asked. He walked around Tommy’s kitchen to look over at the dog sleeping on his dog bed in the living room. “Your birthday is next week?” Buck asked. 

Buck merely let out another snore as he kept his donut position sleeping in the dog bed, only reacting to people who were in the same room as him. 

“Yeah,” Tommy said, setting a dirty glass into the kitchen sink, telling himself he would clean it later. “His birthday is next week, and I don’t know what to get for him.” 

Buck hummed as he thought. “Did he like those treats I made him last month?” Buck asked as he referred to the candy cane shaped dog biscuits he made on Christmas Eve. Tommy was silent long enough for Buck to turn back to look at him. “Did he?” 

“N- Not really,” Tommy said. 

Buck’s mouth hung open. “Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked. 

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” Tommy said. “You worked so hard at making them.”

Buck looked back at Bean and hummed. “What kind of treats does Bean like again?” he asked. 

“Anything with meat,” Tommy said. “Actually meat though, not meat flavored stuff.”

A couple days later, Tommy ended up stopping by a butcher shop to buy a large beef bone, one that he knew would take hours for Bean to finish. He had them cut it up though, he didn’t want raw meat sitting around his house for hours and for Bean to hide to bone in his bed. Hell, that was probably why he didn’t do this all too often for Bean. It made… kind of a big mess. 

Tommy also went by the pet store, again, because even though Bean didn’t like the toys Tommy got for him, that didn’t mean Tommy wasn’t going to get the dog a toy. Because what messed up dog owners didn’t get their dogs a toy for their birthday? Not the good ones. 

Tommy looked over the racks of dog toys of various sizes, bypassing the ones that would obviously be too large for the dog’s little mouth and paws, and focusing in on the ones that had little squeakers. He found a three pack of little plush ducks. They looked cute, and they were certainly better than the assortment of leftover Christmas dog toys. 

🎂 🎂 🎂 🎂 🎂

Tommy and Buck ended up meeting again the day before Bean’s birthday. Buck had set a small box on the counter in front of Tommy when he walked into his house. 

“What’s that?” Tommy asked. 

“For Bean, his birthday,” Buck said. Tommy lifted an eyebrow as he took the box and opened it up. Inside looked to hold some sort of dog friendly cake, with pieces of dried bacon on top. “It has real meat,” Buck said. “So he should like it, right?” 

“Yeah,” Tommy said. Then he passed it back into Buck’s hands. “You should give it to him.”

“What? But his birthday isn’t until tomorrow though,” Buck protested. 

“And you’ll be working tomorrow,” Tommy said as he turned Buck’s shoulder to the direction where Bean was sleeping in the living room. The dog slept a lot. 

“And don’t worry,” Tommy said. “I have other gifts to give him tomorrow, he can have this one early.” 

“Okay,” Buck said as he walked over to the dog and squatted down next to him. Bean lifted his head up to look at him and Tommy could see the dog began to wag his tail. 

Buck set the box with the cake on the floor in front of the dog. “Okay, Bean. Here we got an early birthday cake for you…”

As Buck spoke to the dog, Bean stood up and walked a couple steps closer to give the cake a sniff. When Buck sat back Bean very carefully picked the pieces of dried bacon off.

“You know… I’ve never seen a dog be so picky,” Buck said around a laugh. 

“Me either,” Tommy said from where he watched the two.

[vickytaa]

𝓕𝓲𝓻𝓼𝓽 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓬𝓽

𝐵𝑒𝓁𝓁𝒶 𝓍 𝒞𝒽𝓇𝒶𝓉𝓉

The first week at the new school wasn't easy, but it wasn't hard either. Bella was struggling to adjust to the change, the loss of her old friends weighing heavily on her. Thankfully, for now, her only concern was keeping up with her studies. Or so it seemed.

Solitude was a familiar companion. Visits to her parents' homes often meant hours spent alone because neither of them had much time for her. The absence of siblings and a lack of social skills made it difficult to connect with others. Her parents had cultivated an image of her that left her feeling insecure and fearful of judgment. As a result, she never had many friends, let alone a boyfriend or anything like that.

And that brings us to this moment. Bella was sitting alone on the grass, in the corner outside the school.

She craved peace and quiet, and there was no one to share it with. Unfortunately, this was becoming a daily routine.

The sound of approaching footsteps shattered her tranquility. With each step, her heart raced. What if they were looking for her? What if they had found her? What if-

Her thoughts were interrupted by the small figures in front of her. Thea, the cheerleading captain, stood before her, along with her friends. Bella's heart sank as she raised her head to meet a pair of very fake faces, 'Faking it more than my mom when she swears I'm not the problem,' Bella thought bitterly.

"What are you doing here?" Thea asked, attempting a soft tone that failed miserably. It was common knowledge why she was the most popular girl in school. Her short, silky blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders, highlighting the green of her eyes. She was truly a beauty; nothing compared to Bella, whose dark brown hair was long and wavy, and her eyes matched her hair. Thea was confident, or at least she pretended to be, while Bella simply hid in the shadows.

"Uh- I was eating lunch..." Bella replied, her words tripping over each other, and her voice trembling. 'Great, now everyone knows I'm scared of them,' she thought. Bella heard one of the girls behind Thea laugh at her.

"Oh... poor thing... are you alone? We can keep you company." Thea offered, and for a moment, Bella thought maybe she wasn't as bad as people said. She and her minions began to sit beside her, all with a small, evil smile that Bella tried to ignore but made her incredibly uncomfortable.

There was an awkward silence, but Bella was too scared to say anything stupid, so she decided it was best to remain quiet. Some of the girls began to giggle softly, knowing what was coming, while Bella looked at them confused.

A few started to grab her food, "Let's see what you have here..." one said as she took her apple, "But it was..." Bella began to speak, trying to grab her food back, "Friends share, right?" Thea said. She tried to resist, but she clearly couldn't fight ten girls grabbing her lunch.

Suddenly, one of the girls threw some tomato sauce on her white shirt, "Hey!" Bella said, "Oh, don't get mad, it was an accident," the girl said, laughing in her face.

It was obvious they weren't trying to be friends, they were making fun of her. "Why are you-" "Ash! You talk too much, Bella!" Thea complained with a smile, obviously enjoying her power over her. The other girls began to "accidentally" spill things on Bella, laughing in her face. Her eyes began to fill with tears, but she fought hard not to let them fall.

Before Thea could continue her torment, a voice, or rather, two voices, interrupted her. "Leave her alone, Thea." The deep voice came from somewhere nearby, but Bella couldn't see because the girls were blocking her view, aside from her blurry, tear-filled eyes.

"Back off," another voice, similar to the first, commanded. Bella was terrified, but at the same time, grateful that someone was stopping them. "Oh, come on guys, seriously? You're going to defend this loser?" Thea said, standing up. The tears were getting harder to control. The memories flooded back after hearing that nickname.

"Leave her alone," the voice repeated firmly. This time, the girls started to get up and move away from Bella. Thea looked back at her with contempt, "This isn't over," she said. A shiver ran down Bella's spine, clearly scared of what might happen next.

"Yes, it is," one of the boys said. After the group of bullies left, the brothers sat down next to her, "Are you okay?" Matt asked, but Bella didn't answer. She didn't trust them very much because they were popular too.

"You can trust us, Bella," Chris said, his voice softer this time. Matt pulled a tissue from his pocket and handed it to her, "Here, don't cry anymore," he said gently. Bella tried to trust them a little and began to wipe her tears with the tissue.

Both boys had a small smile on their faces, happy to be able to comfort her and mesmerized by her beauty. Her nose and cheeks were a bit red from crying, her eyes matched her long hair, and her clothes were as delicate as she was.

"Seriously, you're going to defend the freak?" A boy interrupted their little moment. Chris and Matt turned to see who it was, and Bella took the opportunity to run to the bathroom. She didn't need anyone else seeing her cry.

"Shit" they both muttered, angry that their friend had ruined the encounter.

𝐕 -

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

A/N: Some Stoncy fluff, set after season 2.

Jonathan leaned against the wall next to Will's bedroom, his arms crossed over his chest. Nancy popped up next to him.

"What are you doing?" She asked in amusement.

"Nothing," he said casually.

"It doesn't look like nothing to me," she said.

"I just - I just want to know what Will needs to talk about with Steve that he can't talk about with me," Jonathan pouted.

"So, you're spying on your little brother and our boyfriend?" Nancy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No. . .yeah, okay, so I am," he said.

"Did you ever think that he's trying to get to know Steve because he knows how much his brother, who he loves dearly, loves this guy?" Nancy asked.

"The thought has crossed my mind," Jonathan replied.

"Jon - ," Nancy started to say.

"Shh!" Jonathan said, and she glared at him.

Luckily, Joyce stepped in at that moment before Nancy could draw blood.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Your eldest is spying on his little brother," Nancy said.

"Jonathan!" Joyce scolded.

Joyce was about to lecture Jonathan when Will mentioned her and she paused.

"I don't know, Steve, what if I hurt mom's feelings?" Will asked.

"I don't know, it seems like your mom is the kind of mom who'd be happy with whatever makes you happy," Steve said. "So, if you say you don't like her bowl cuts, she'll gladly let you do whatever you want with it. It's your hair. . .although, technically, she did help make it."

"Ew! Don't say that!" Will exclaimed and then laughed.

"What?! You have learned about that, haven't you?" Steve asked.

"Yes, Steve, but some people don't like to be reminded how they came into this world," Will said.

"Look, it's important to have your hair the way you want it because it's on top of your head, and that's where your personality is. You want it to tell a story that feels right to you," Steve said. "Once you start feeling that, you'll also feel a confidence that you never had before and then other people start noticing that."

"That - that makes sense," Will said.

"Your mom will love you no matter what even if you turn into a worm," Steve said.

"What?!" Will laughed. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You never think about that? Like, would they still love me if I turned into a worm or a spider or a slug?" Steve asked.

"Mom doesn't like slugs," Will said.

"Well, she would definitely still love you if you were a slug," Steve said. "She would get rid of all the salt in the house."

"What about your mom?" Will asked.

"She doesn't like me now," Steve scoffed. "I mean, there's just some things specifically that she doesn't like about me."

"Oh. . .because of Jonathan?" Will asked.

"You're lucky. . .you can be honest with your mom about whatever you want, and she'll still love you," Steve said. "Anyway, come on, go through these magazines and see what hairstyle you like."

"Not that one!" Will exclaimed.

"Ew, yeah, definitely not," Steve said.

"Are we going to pretend like we're not being spied on, right now?" Will asked.

"Well, I was waiting for them to come on out on their own," Steve said and Will laughed.

Nancy, Jonathan, and Joyce moved into the room, looking rather sheepish.

"We didn't intend to spy," Joyce said.

"Yeah, we know. We heard Jonathan being all pouty," Steve said, grinning.

"Sorry, mom," Will said.

"Oh, honey, Steve’s right. You shouldn't be afraid of being honest with me," Joyce said. "And thank you, Steve. . .you guys have a good one."

"We do," Nancy smiled.

Steve looked surprised when Joyce hugged him tightly before sitting down next to Will.

"What do you like so far?" Joyce asked Will as she picked up a magazine.

Nancy and Jonathan sat on either side of Steve, grabbing a magazine of their own.

"I'm torn between these two," Will said.

"You never said your parents had a problem with me," Jonathan said to Steve.

"Not with you specifically," Steve said.

"Because I'm a guy?" He asked.

"Yeah," Steve said, looking at the magazine in front of him.

"I'm sorry," Jonathan said softly.

"They're idiots," he shrugged.

"Doesn't mean it still doesn't suck," Nancy said.

"I'm surrounded by better people," Steve grinned.

Jonathan and Nancy pressed their cheeks against his shoulder.

"Why do you have so many magazines about hair?" Jonathan asked.

"Something else I didn't tell you. . .I kind of want to be a hair stylist," Steve said, blushing.

"You would be good at that!" Will exclaimed. "This one!"

"Good choice," Joyce said.

"Mom, you don't mind if Steve cuts my hair, do you?" Will asked.

"Not at all," Joyce said and smiled at Steve.

Jonathan grinned and squeezed his boyfriend's arm. Yeah, it really needed to be Steve for this talk. Jonathan never really cared about his hair, but he knew it bothered his brother, and he loved that Steve could be there for him. He never had anything to worry about. He spent so much time 'hating' Steve, but he really did fit right into his life. He shared a look with Nancy. Their lives.