#because i also could not find like anything about the biscuit squad person/people at all i am kind of lost on that one. like i'm like

[parasitoidism]

Color Illustrations from Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne Comic Anthology (2003)

Artists: Yukawa Kazuno, Biscuit Squad, Sumino Hirune, Yoroi Yoshihisa, Yasuko Oyama, Tsushima Shuu

[liddolwhynot2000]

Leaving

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Summary: And even if the two of you were friends, she told herself, it hardly mattered. He was, despite his very vocal protests, friends with Hange, another woman. So one more to the list was no matter of concern.

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Pairings: Levi/Reader, Levi/Petra

Genre: Angsty, One Sided Love, Levi ends up happy for once

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Levi sat in his office, glaring down at the table full of paperwork. Usually he had a better work ethic then this, completing his work neatly and on time. Today, however, his mind was rather jumbled up. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to fully focus on the words sprawled on the paper infront of him.

Instead, all he could think about was how, a few days back, Petra had confessed her undying love and devotion to him. He had awkwardly tried to turn her down, only for her to beg him to actually think about it before making a decision. She had insisted that she could break down his walls, if only he would give her a chance.

That had been before they had faced an attack from Marley, so he hadn't bothered to give her offer more then a moments notice, dismissing any notions of romance and too busy with trying to keep his brats alive. But now, he was seriously considering her words. Not the idea of being with her, but the idea of just having someone.

He had spent so much of his life alone. He hadn't felt a warm embrace since the loss of his mother. But maybe, maybe he could actually have a companion. Someone to settle down with, someone who could support him.

Petra would be easy to settle down with, if he was willing to abandon everything that made the idea of being with her uncomfortable. Like the age difference. He was in his early thirties and Petra had just turned twenty. Even though she was the one pushing for the relationship, it still made him feel like a creep. And he knew everyone would point fingers at him, especially since he was her superior officer and she was directly in his squad. Even if he decided to not give a flying fuck about that, the idea of opening his heart to someone who he would probably send to their death at one point was uncomfortable for him.

Sighing, he decided he would turn her down firmly the next time he saw her. There was no reason for him to indulge her, he harboured no romantic feelings for her and it was best she got over her little crush as soon as possible. He would try to be nice as he could about it.

Mind made up, he went back to work.

____________________________________

Petra stood infront of her captain's office door, wanting nothing more then to go inside, but too scared to. She had confessed to him in the spur of the moment and was now afraid of facing rejection from him. Although a part of her, the part that was hopelessly in love with him, refused to give up.

It was well known that Captain Levi wasn't the type to take any sort of lover. In fact, someone had even passed a rumour that during his health inspection, he had checked the box for sexual partners as none. Of course, that rumour had also been promptly strangled to a graceless death once he got wind of it and made the entire survey corps run till they dropped. Everyday. For a week.

She knew he was hardly what one considered attractive, and that the attention and admiration he got from his title often withered away because of his stone cold personality. But she neither cared for his looks, nor his rank.

She was one of the few people who had noticed his kindness. The way he went out of his way to help his comrades, whether it was on the battlefield or giving advice. The fact that he gathered momentos of their fallen cormades. How he often carried expeditions on his back to lower the death rate. All those little things that others failed to notice, she had. And all of it made her fall hopelessly in love with him.

She could tell he thought that spending the rest of his life on his own and dying on the battlefield was his fate, but she would do everything possible to convince him otherwise.

Resolving herself to convince him, she knocked. The door creaked open, and peering in, she realized he wasn't in his office. Suddenly she remembered that most of the soldiers had gone out to drink, she figured he must have gone along with them.

Shrugging, she decided it would be best to approach him the next day and decided to go to sleep early rather then seek him out right now.

She had no idea how much she would regret not going to the bar that night.

---------------

The bar was packed. Levi scrunched up his nose in disgust at the sight before him. Rowdy soldiers laughed and sang together. The smell of booze wreaked in the air and someone was playing the guitar.

He had been dragged into this filthy place by Hanji. All the soldiers had the night off and wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. The only reason Levi had allowed Hanji to drag him in here was because he refused to let the 104th cadets drink. It was entertaining to snatch the glass of alcohol out of their hands, watch them fume, turn around and then falter at the sight of their captain being the culprit.

Once Eren and his little group left the bar, Levi decided his job of torturing the brats was done, and left a little while after them. He had initially wanted to leave the moment they had, but Hanji had decided to play her usual game of pointing out random, pretty girls in hopes of inticing him to 'getting some'. Once she got desperate at his constant rejection and started highlighting men, he tripped her and left at the speed of lightning.

Walking slowly in the darkness, he let himself enjoy the peace and quiet. The Survey Corps headquarters were always loud. Something was always going on. Whether it was training, mission plans, Hanji, the brats wreaking havoc or Eren accidentally transforming for the unteempth time, he could never enjoy any genuine quietness.

The sound of a struggle broke him out of his thoughts, eyes narrowing as he turned to the source.

'Let go of me-I said let mph GO-'

'Come on we just wanna have some fun-'

He inched closer to the alleyway. Spotting three men surrounding a struggling woman, pulling at her clothes, the sight had his blood boiling. The image of another woman, older, being pulled at by men too strong for her, just like this, flashed through his mind.

Without a second thought, he lunged.

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The next day, the Survey Corps headquarters was rather quiet. Over half the soldiers nursed hangovers and pretty much died at anything louder then a whisper. The former 104th cadets, who had been upset at not getting to drink, suddenly felt glad. The faces of their superior officers gave away exactly how horrible they felt.

Petra chuckled at the sight of her cormades and their pathetic state, relieved that she hadn't gone out, sothe newbies wouldn't see her in this less-then-decent condition as well.

'Umm, excuse me?'

Almost half the room turned towards the door. A woman stood there, her long hair tied in a braid and holding a basket full of goodies in her hand.

'I'm here to visit someone. I was hoping someone could guide me to him. '

Armin, closest to the door, smiled pleasantly and approached her. The rest of the room returned to their business of trying to look alive despite feeling the opposite inside. No one else bothered hearing what was going on, although Petra couldn't help taking note of their visitor.

You were clearly a civilian and, Petra had to admit, quite the beauty. Wearing a white button up shirt with a light green vest on top and a long brown skirt. A rather plain look, but it suited you nonetheless.

Armin began leading you away, and Petra realised she hadn't learned who you were visiting. Oh well, it was almost time to give the captain his tea. The mystery could be solved later.

.....................

Holding a tray with tea, some biscuits and two cups, she knocked on the door. She could hear muffled noises, it was probably Commander Erwin or Hange inside with him. She smiled to herself, glad that she had brought more then one cup.

Once given permission, she entered, and found herself rather startled by the sight infront of her.

For once, the captain wasn't seated at his desk. He sat on the couch, casually leaning back, one leg crossed over the other, an arm splayed on the top right of the sofa. On his left, sat the pretty woman who Armin had led away. The basket she had brought with her had been opened, and its contents, which included cookies and box's of tea, were strewn about on the table infront of them.

'Oi put the tea down already.'

Snapping out of her thoughts at the Captain's voice, Petra swallowed roughly, trying to keep her expression neutral and set the tray down. She began to reach for the kettle to pour it for him, all the while trying to not give into curiousity and the ugly feeling in her gut by looking at the woman occupying the other end of the couch. A part of her sorely wished she had only brought one cup instead of two.

'There's no need to pour it for me. You can leave now'

'B-but captain I always-'

'There's no time. We have patrol in the afternoon, go tell the others and prepare accordingly. If I find anyone slacking off because of last night, I'll kick the shit out of them'

There was no room to even think about disobeying that tone, so, with a clear 'Yes sir!', she stiffly saluted him and left the room. Each step felt strangely heavier then the last.

..................................................

When Petra had joined the Survey Corps, one of her favorite activities had easily been horse riding. It was relaxing for her, even on patrol. The light breeze that accompanied it made her feel fresh and it was good excercise too. She often got lost in her thoughts during this time. Although, not for the first time, her thoughts were centered around the man leading the patrol.

She didn't contemplate how strangely handsome he looked with his hair swishing back and forth like that. Nor did she think of ways to get him to accept her. Today, she could only mentally question him.

Who were you? How long had you known each other? Were you a friend? Or a fan? Wait no, Captain Levi didn't entertain fans, no matter how attractive. The two of you had clearly met before. Were you his lov-

Petra slammed the brakes on that thought before it could finish, calming herself. She was getting too out of hand and wild with her assumptions. You had likely been an aquantince of some sort. Nothing more.

And even if the two of you were friends, she told herself, it hardly mattered. He was, despite his very vocal protests, friends with Hange, another woman. So one more to the list was no matter of concern.

Determined to shut out the voice in her head that alluded to that you being something more then a friend, Petra nudged her horse fiercely. She simply wasn't use to him being even slightly friendly towards other women. That's all.

The strange burning in her chest never quite left.

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Later, she learned that you had come to thank him. Captain Levi had saved you from some thugs last night. Relieved, she told herself to not think about you anymore. Clearly, your visit had been a one time thing and Captain had just been polite. She doubted she would see you again. And so, she carried on with her life, dismissing all her thoughts about you.

Three months later, they had returned from a mission and stopped for a while in the civillian district that came before their headquarters. Everyone dispersed, with Eld dragging Gunther away to the flower shop to buy something for his fiance and Eren and his group heading to a food stall. After Olou made another attempt at hitting on her and bit his tongue, Petra promptly went looking for the Captain.

She figured he was probably at some tea stall, trying different tea's. Or maybe buying cleaning products. Humming, she strolled along the road, eyes scanning the crowd. He had turned her confession down, but she was still determined to let him know that she cared. Maybe spending some time with him would reassure him that she was serious? She was willing to wait for him as long as necessary.

When she finally found the person she had been looking for, her heart dropped in her stomach.

Captain Levi was sitting at a little cafe, drinking tea, just like she had thought he would be. However, he wasn't alone. You, dressed smartly in a knee length yellow dress, sat next to him. The two of you appeared to be peacefully chatting and sipping tea, clearly interacting with more familiarity then two strangers were supposed to possess towards each other. An indication that this wasn't a just a coincidental second meeting. Or third.

Petra hadn't cried since her first expedition, something she was proud of. She had faced deathly situations on a mothly basis since then and had refused to shed a single tear. But right now, as she turned on her heel and walked away with as much dignity as she could muster up, she really wanted nothing more then to sob into her pillow.

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The next time she saw you again was about nine months after the 'Cafe Incident'. The Survey Corps had returned from a deadly mission. They had accomplished their goal, but some had sustained some injuries, fortunately incurring no loss of life. The biggest one of the injuries was captain Levi. He had gotten wounded while protecting Mikasa. The girl had gone off on her own again and nearly gotten killed.

After the doctor had looked him over and bandaged his wounds, he had been put on a week of bed rest. He had tried to vehemently argue against it, but Commander Erwin had put his foot down and ordered him to do nothing for the entire week or be suspended.

All the members of squad Levi had taken turns bringing him food and changing his bandages. Even a guilty Mikasa had helped out, shamefully apologising to Captain Levi.

Of course, it was only when it was Petra's turn, that you chose to visit captain. Entering the room, with a tray of bread, soup and some water, she could only feel relieved that the Captain was asleep and that you were sitting far away from him on the couch while reading a book. Food containers were neatly set on the table, filled with stew and boiled vegetables.

When the door opened, you looked up and then smiled at her. The smile faded when Petra set the tray down and began talking.

'You shouldn't be here'

'Excuse me?'

Maybe it was because she was feeling petty, or jealous, or both really. But she couldn't stop herself from misusing the rules to make you go away.

'Civillians aren't allowed here on work days. And they certainly aren't allowed to bring food here. You need permission from the commander or the Captain'

It was a lie really, the entire week after a mission like this was usually considered unofficially off, hence there was no need to get permission. Several soldiers often recieved visits from concerned family members during this time. Petra knew that well. You, however, did not, and looked confused.

'I-Levi never mentioned that- He told me I'm listed as his emergency contact and that means I don't need permi-

'I checked the list. There's no name there'

Another big, fat lie. Your name had been discreetly added to his file a month ago. Petra had bitterly discovered it while delivering the file to Commander Erwin and had accidentally opened it beforehand.

'Are you sure? I signed the form, if you could please check agai-'

'I'm sorry but there's no name there. Please leave and take your things with you. You need specific permission and an actual relation to the soldier to visit'

Okay, she was officially a petty bitch. The part of her that felt ashamed at her own behaviour was easily overcome by the part of her that was sick and tired of being indirectly rejected by Captain Levi for this- this woman. She couldn't help feeling victorious as you made to gather your things.

'She doesn't need to go anywhere'

Petra's eyes widened, while you stopped your movements and immediately rushed to his side, asking him how he was feeling. He answered lowly, voice hoarse from sleep, assuring you that he was fine.

Like a thief caught stealing, Petra made to leave the room as silently as possible. As she shut the door, she briefly made eye contact with Captain Levi, whose usually emotionless eyes had morphed into a dark glare. He obviously hadn't missed out on what she had tried to do and if that last look had been anything to go by, she was in some major trouble.

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Levi calmly ate his stew, enjoying the fresh and rich flavour. You had made it for him, hence why he couldn't help savouring it even more. You had left a while ago, after he had made you leave. You ou couldn't stay overnight and he wasn't comfortable with you walking in the dark by yourself.

With a slight smile, he mulled over your existence. You had been a part of his life for a year now and he honestly hadn't expected things to turn out the way they had when he first you.

You, the crying, shivering girl he had walked home that night, had now become the most important person in his life.

And, Levi scowled, you had just been majorly disrespected by one of his subordinates. He had expected better from Petra. She had allowed her personal feelings to get in the way of being a professional comrade and had misquoted official guidelines.

He had initially been furious and had wanted to punish her immediately. However, you had insisted on finding out what the matter was and had stopped him from acting out in anger. It was solely because he had you calming him down that he hadn't taken any drastic steps.

You had been the voice of reason, pointing out to him about how young Petra was, and how to her, she had watched her first love pretty much fall into the arms of another woman. She was just a young girl who couldn't bottle up her feelings properly yet. Professionally punishing her now would only lead to more outlandish behaviour. Her feelings were something she would grow out of, or at least learn to control. Any official repercussions would lead to a bad mark on her record and would probably make the matter worse. His usual style of dealing with brats just wouldn't work this time.

With a heavy sigh, he leaned into the pillows, wondering where he had gone wrong. He had rejected Petra firmly when had found the chance, which had been a day after meeting you. He had tried to be gentle about it, not wanting to hurt his comrade and had thought she was mature enough to not take it too personally. Obviously, he had been wrong.

While Petra hadn't approached him with any more confessions, he had caught her looking at him with that weird, longing expression more times then he was comfortable admitting. Her feelings had begun to interfere with her behaviour, and that was intolerable. No matter what you said, he would have to do something about this sooner or later.

The solution came to him a week later.

____________________________________

Petra stood in Commander Erwin's office, shoulders straight, arms in a firm salute. She could hardly believe her ears.

'I-I'm being promoted sir?'

'Eventually, yes. You and the rest of the senior members of Levi squad will support Section Commander Hange and train new squads formed from the 105th and 106th cadet corps. The end result will be four squads, each led by one of you, giving you the rank of Captain in about a year. The rest have already been informed.'

She stared in awe, not sure if this was real. She had walked in here, nervous, expecting an official warning for her behaviour with the woman whose-name-she-refused-to-even-say-in-her-mind. It had been four months since then, and captain Levi hadn't said a word to her about it, only assigning Sasha in her place to bring him tea in the morning. She had figured her punishment had been the unnaturally long wait for it and that the Commander would rip her a new one for making the Survey Corps soldiers look disgraceful in front of civillians. After all, the Military Police and the Garrisons were the ones lacking discipline, while the Survey Corps was reknown for being the prim and proper gorup.

With a determined smile, she profusely thanked the Commander, feeling genuinely grateful and excited at the prospect of leading the next batch of soldiers.

'The Special operation Squad has been officially disbanded. All four of you will head to the Northern Survey Corps headquarters with the cadets-'

Her eyes widened, heart plummeting.

'-and train them to respond to severe situations in that area. The military there was far too unprepared for Rod Reiss's Titan attack. It Marley attacked from there, we wouldn't be able to withstand it'

'Sir the northern branch..?'

She hadn't mean to interrupt him, but the words had left her mouth before she could stop them. Erwin raised an eyebrow at her, his expression cool and tone even, but still sharp enough to make her wince.

'Is there a problem officer Ral?'

'No sir!'

'Good. Prepare to head out in a week's time. After a year, they give soldiers the oppurtunity to settle their family in the civillian areas. So make sure to fill out the paperwork for it.'

With one last salute, Petra made to leave, only to stop dead at the Commanders voice. This time it was dry and toneless, but the threat was clear in it.

'One last thing, Officer Ral. Do try to behave respectfully and professionally around the family members of the higher ups there. Not everyone is as forgiving as Captain Levi. Some would end your career in minutes.'

Unable to look him in the eye, she bowed her head in agreement.

'Dismissed, Officer Ral. Have a safe trip and work hard. '

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After fleeing to the safety of female barracks and finally finding herself alone, she let go of her somber demeanour and let the tears of humiliation loose.

Her promotion wasn't about her doing a good job so far. In fact, it was a way of saying that she wasn't doing her current job well enough. She had known that some soldiers would be sent to the Northern areas to improve the military there, but had figured Captain Miche and his squad would take on that responsibility.

The only way she and the rest of her squad had been nominated for it would be if Captain Levi had suggested them. And for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why. Besides the incident with you, she had still been dutiful as ever. Everything done on time and as efficiently as possible. So why had Captain decided to punish her like this. Sending her away from all her cormades, uprooting her career so carelessly. Just why.

Wiping her eyes, she realized she would just have to ask him herself.

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'This isn't punishment Petra'

'But Captain, it feels like it is-'

'No, you dumb brat. If this was punishment, why would the rest of the squad be going with you? Why the hell are they so happy, frolicking around like little high-as-fuck shits huh? It's because it's a fucking honour. All of you are being assigned to build and lead the Northern military forces. A military that hardly exists, you shit heads are going to built it from scratch. And here you are whining in front of me, like a petulant little brat'

She gazed at him, wide eyed. Opening her mouth to talk, she immediately shut up as he glared fiercely at her.

'Stop holding yourself back because of your...'feelings' for me. You're more then this. You've done a damn good job on the field and this is your reward. Now get out of my office, go pack and then fucking celebrate your promotion with the rest of those hormonal brats. Understood? Good. '

With a wave of his hand, he dismissed her. He could only hope his words had gotten through to her and that she understood that he truly hadn't meant to punish her.

Shoulders slumped, she walked down the hallway to her room. Captain Levi's words had cleared her head, however, Petra thought to herself sadly, the sight of you nursing your swollen, clearly pregnant stomach, while Armin and Mikasa helped you up the stairs, had made a far stronger impact.

It really was a good thing she was leaving.

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A/N: I read too many fanfics about Levi breaking the readers heart for Petra 😤😤. So, I decided I would (realistically) break Petra's heart. Not for the reader. But, for reasons that make sense, rather then Levi rejecting Petra specifically for the reader. Also, Levi is in his mid thirties and reader is at least 27. I kinda wanna make a part that explores the hints of Levi and Readers relationship I gave in this, but I don't know if anyone would want to read that. My asks are open, so please ask away. I hope y'all enjoyed this!

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.

Levi POV

The M.P expected us to turn Eren in after the failed operation but Erwin apparently had a plan. I woke up and went to the dining hall to find (Y/N) making tea. Just two cups for today. She avoided looking at me. Her eyes were puffy which meant she cried to sleep. I never thought the death of our comrades would make her cry. She didn't seem like someone who would cry about what happened in the past that easily. I didn't want to judge her though because even if I didn't see her get too close to anyone from the team, she still must have cared. 

"Rough night?" I asked her as she set down a cup of tea and some biscuits in front of me. "Yeah. A bit" she answered and took a sip of her own tea. There was an awkward silence between us as I didnt know what to say to her. "I wish I died instead. Things would've been better that way" she murmured again and took a biscuit from the plate. "Don't say that. What happened has happened. We can't change anything and I'm glad that you're alive. You're a big asset to the team" I replied. I knew I was bad at giving condolences to people but this probably was the worst I've ever done. 

"You aren't glad captain. Wouldn't you have preferred it if Petra was alive instead? After all, you were supposed to get married to her. I... I could've saved her you know. But I didn't because I had some personal issues with her. I wasted that one second of advantage that I had over the female titan just because I didn't know which would've been the right decision. The one I made was clearly wrong, by general ethics and also because it caused a lot more trouble for you and uncle Erwin. The most horrible thing about it is that I… I felt relieved that she's out of my way. I regret the fact that my decision made someone lose their child and someone lose their… loved one. What I did is a punishable offence and I would gladly accept my punishment." she said looking down at the table. 

I sighed at that. Of Course she had something to do with this. Someone with her level of skills could've easily gotten out of that situation. 

"(Y/N), I will be blunt with you. What you did was selfish, irresponsible and immature. I won't go on with the ethics here because I personally killed people who had a problem with me back in the underground. However, (Y/N), we are not underground now. We are up here where ethics have value. I personally made some very immature mistakes during my first expedition too, trying to kill Erwin. That got the two people I ever gave a damn about killed. I won't report this to the higher ups because I tried to kill a comrade on my first expedition too due to my selfish whims. However, (Y/N), if anything like this happens again, I won't hesitate to report to Erwin. I care about my comrades and you will have to take responsibility for such actions. The titans are already out to kill us during the expeditions and killing each other won't help humanity or your goals. I won't ask you to be ashamed of what you did. You made the decision and you are owning it. However, I am not proud of what you did. I expected you to be able to keep your personal feelings out of your job. By the way what do you mean by that deal about marriage? Petra had a crush on me but the feeling wasn't mutual. I wish I transferred her to another squad but I can't change anything now. Petra and I weren't supposed to get married. She just ranted about it to her father I suppose so that he could convince me." I said to her in a monotone voice, wondering if that thing about marriage that Petra probably bragged to (Y/N) about made (Y/N) make such a bad decision while her eyes widened.

 "But I saw you two kissing... " she started when I interjected "she just confessed her feelings to me then and kissed me out of nowhere and you opened the door before I could process the whole information and push her off me." I explained. "But she told me you are dating her..." she started again and I interjected again to say "She was bluffing" this time annoyed because she just isn't getting the message. "But why.." she started again and I stopped her again to say, "because I like someone else you idiot! ". 

At this point, she looked like someone punched her in the gut as a flash of regret glinted in her eyes. It passed in mere seconds before she looked surprised at me and asked, "Heichou, don't mind me asking but are you gay? And is that Eren?" The look on my face probably made her understand how ridiculous that theory is. Why did she even assume that? "Sorry for assuming. But if you're not gay, it must be Hanji.." she muttered and I could see a speck of sadness in her eyes. Does that mean she likes me too? 

"Why would I even like that titan loving shitty glasses? She's like a sister." I told her in my monotone voice. "Oh! So, is it someone I know?" she asked me. "You do know that I'm your superior right brat? You shouldn't be asking questions like this." I told her. "You told me that I can trust you. Doesn't that mean you should trust me too? And these trust businesses kinda make us friends right? Since we are trusting each other about things that are personal? And I thought friends talk to each other about stuff like who they are interested in." she told me with a straight face but her voice betrayed her. She was nervous. 

"What's in it for you?" I asked her. She can't know I'm interested in her. "Just curious. I'm not great at making friends and since I happened to make a friend by myself, I just thought I'll try to make a conversation. Sorry for bothering you captain." she muttered, without looking at me. "Look, it's best if you don't know. I like someone I'm not supposed to. If this gets out, both her and my reputation will be on the line." I explained to her with a serious tone. It was the truth. After a pause, she said, "I happen to be in a similar situation" with a smile. She really should smile more often.

(Y/N) POV

I felt like a complete idiot. Of Course Petra lied. It was all sinking in now. I got someone killed because I was a selfish piece of crap. And to add to my guiltiness, she wasn't even with Levi heichou. How could I do this to her? To her parents? "Why the hell are you still alive! Such a burden... Just get out of my house and die somewhere will you?!" I remember a voice shouting at me, a memory of my childhood, a memory from the underground that never left me. Was I becoming like her? That woman who sold me off to that brothel? Was I becoming like my biological mother? That woman broke every promise she ever made to me. Could I live with myself if I became like that? 

I decided not to think more of it because I probably would never be able to look in the mirror and tolerate myself. With that, I stopped thinking about it and just as heichou mentioned that he liked someone, I blurted out that I am in a similar situation without giving it a second thought.

Who was he talking about? That day after looking at Petra kiss heichou, I came to the conclusion that I have feelings for Levi heichou and I don't regret Petra's death because her absence made my insecurities go away. I felt like I'm a monster for thinking that way and cried quite a bit thinking how disappointed my parents could have been, how disappointed everyone would've been in general as I thought about it last night. I also thought that heichou just lost his fiancee and I definitely didn't have a chance because he probably would be too devastated to be with other women.

 Now that I knew the truth, I felt plain guilt, however, as there was the slightest possibility that the girl heichou likes could be me, I didn't have any intention to let go of this chance. "I'll tell you who I like if you tell me about you. That way no one can double cross each other." I said to him. "I don't feel comfortable about telling you who she is." heichou stated, not looking at me. I could see him blushing. It was a sight to see. 

"We could play a game of 5 questions. We will ask each other 5 questions and both can answer as yes or no. Is that okay?" I proposed. I personally always hated this game that Eren and my fellow members of the 104 trainee corps made up but at that moment, I couldn't think of any other way to get heichou to open my mouth. "Isn't that a children’s game?" heichou asked me, raising an eyebrow. "Well, yes but we don't exactly have things to do right now so why not kill time doing this?" I reasoned. "Yeah I guess we do have some time to kill.." he answered, sounding a bit unsure. 

"Do I know her?" I asked. "Yes. And is it a man?" he answered and asked.

 "Yes. Is she from the 104 training Corps?" I answered and asked again.

 "Yes. Do I know him?" he answered and asked.

 "Yes. Was she in the top 10 recruitments?" I answered and asked. A blush formed on my face. So he was into someone from our training Corps.. 

He looked away and said, "Yes. Is he from the 104 trainee Corps?" The tension between us increased.

 "No. Was she in the top 3?" I asked not looking at him. If he says yes, it's either me or Mikasa. 

"Yes. Does he happen to be a squad leader?" he asked. His body was tense and he averted his eyes from mine. I did the same since I was too nervous.

 "Yes. Was she in the first position?" I almost whispered. I was speechless. I never thought that slightest hope could become something so big. 

"Yes. Is he the captain of the survey corps?" he asked while running a hand in his hair. His face looked serious. He was interested in me. 

"Yes'' I whispered. I was so shocked that I didn't know how to react. I should've felt happy but in reality, I felt terrified. I knew why I felt that way. It's because the reality sunk into me. The world was a cruel place. Bad things happened whenever I believed in people. I wasn't ready to lose him. I didn't know if I ever could be ready for that. He looked at me with wide eyes. I could see the fear in them. He was scared too and I understood why he felt that way. He was right. This was impossible.

Levi POV

Did we just confess to each other? What the hell am I doing? This isn't like me at all. I seriously agreed to play this stupid game those cadets made up just to know who she had feelings for? I knew that if it wasn't me, I would make their life in the survey corps much more hellish than it already is. Now that I know that it's me, it bothered me that I would have to break her heart. 

However, this girl made me make all sorts of bad decisions and I couldn’t even hate her for it. I looked straight at her eyes. She was blushing and her eyes were as terrified and sad as mine. This wouldn't work and she understood it. I was glad that she understood the issue because explaining this would be a big problem. 

The silence was broken by Eren. "Hey (Y/N), you made breakfast?" he asked her cheerfully. (Y/N) muttered a "No" with her usual monotone voice. Eren didn't notice the tention in the room because of how stupid he is as he sat down beside (Y/N). "They are late.." I broke the silence.

 "I can't believe that good-for- nothing Erwin.. Making me wait. The MPs are going to get here first. Most likely.. He's having some trouble taking a shit." I stated which made Eren laugh while (Y/N) remained stoic. She probably still was processing everything. I took another sip of the tea and placed it on the saucer. 

"Heichou, you're pretty talkative today," Eren pointed out nervously. Of Course I was. I confessed to (Y/N) a while back and the situation just got more complicated. I was talking so much because there was too much on my mind. "Don't be stupid. I've always been talkative" I answered instead. 

"Eren" (Y/N) called out, her face looked like it had aged suddenly. I knew that she was about to talk about her contribution to the death of my squad to Eren. She seemed more worried about the squad's death.

 "I could've saved Petra and that would've saved Oluo but I didn't because of my own personal issues. I was wrong to do that. My priorities shouldn't be greater than anyone's life. I need to know if you can forgive me after hearing this." she told him, her voice monotone. 

"(Y/N)... I can't forgive you for the decision you made but, I made a wrong choice too. That was what got you in that situation. It all started from me. Back then, if only I hadn't made the wrong choice things might have been different. Even you were injured..." Eren stated, looking at me at the end.

 "I told you two. No one knows how things will turn out. Stop blaming yourselves for this. It's just how the situation was." I answered, shutting them up. The last thing the survey corps needed right now were soldiers that had regrets. Just then Erwin and the others arrived.

(Y/N) POV

Armin came to a conclusion that Annie could be the female titan. The plan was, when the military police would come to escort us, Eren, Armin and Mikasa would sneak out. They would take Annie to the abandoned underground city in stohess district and fight her there with some other survey corps soldiers and with Eren's titan powers. I was supposed to be with Levi Heichou and Uncle Erwin. Both of us were injured and we weren't allowed to participate in the fight. 

Everything was going according to the plan until there was a lightning and a gust of smoke. We knew the plan had failed. Commander Nile looked surprised and was talking to Uncle Erwin. I looked at Levi heichou. He was staring at the smoke. Suddenly he looked at me and said, "seems like plan A failed. We need to go somewhere safe until the fight is over. Go tell Erwin to make his conversation quick and get moving". " Yes heichou" I replied and went to Uncle Erwin. My mind was still stuck to the conversation we had this morning. Heichou was right. It was impossible. But... If I couldn't have the one I love, I couldn't reach my goal of happiness. In that case, what's the point of being alive?

To be continued... 

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder @realityisoftendisapointing

[sserpente]

24 little kinks | Christmas Requests are now open! 🎄☃

“You remember that chocolate advent calendar I got you for December?”

“I do,” Loki chuckled and pressed a tender kiss to your temple. “You made me display it in the kitchen so I would not eat all of the chocolates inside at once.”

Your smile widened. “How about we get another one?”

He raised an eyebrow at you, only now paying proper attention to the sex toy ad. Then, he frowned. It was an odd mixture of disgust, genuine curiosity and even a hint of arousal flashing in his blue eyes.

“I hardly need… toys to satisfy your needs, neither do you need any to satisfy mine. You are not… unchallenged when we are in bed together, are you, sweet one? Because I can ensure you, I can change that in a heartbeat…” He threatened teasingly. His cool lips brushed against your neck, leaving behind a trail of goose bumps on your sensitive skin.

“No… of course not… but experimenting with sex toys can be a lot of fun?”

You almost giggled to yourself despite your growing excitement. You had never actually taken Loki to a sex shop. That should be really interesting; and besides, you had been imagining him tying you up and blindfolding you countless times already. The God of Mischief made no secret out of his dominance, hunger and godly stamina in bed and he had not just once forced you into so many orgasms you had nearly passed out from all the breath-taking pleasure. So why not take it up a notch?

“You intend to buy an advent calendar full of… sex toys for us?” He repeated with raised eyebrows. You could tell he was beginning to like the idea—and what he could do to you, how he could tease you with all the things in this… naughty advent calendar.

You could practically feel him slowly changing his mind, arousal radiating off of him and making you squirm a little in joyful anticipation.

Finally, he sighed, an amused but cheeky smirk playing on his lips. “Very well. Where do we acquire this calendar?”

And with that teaser, I would like to announce that this year’s Christmas requests are now open! 🎄☃ How will it work? This year I’m working on a Christmas special. Everyday, Loki and RC will open a little door and find a new toy to play with... right until Christmas Eve. That should be twenty-four really interesting days, especially with Loki being thoroughly unfamiliar with the concept of sex toys and their function.

Ideally, I would be posting one door—one Imagine, each day until Christmas but due to work, classes, sleeping and baking Christmas biscuits, that might not always work out. Therefore, some doors might get a combined Imagine.

How does my request fit in? So now it’s your turn! Send me all of your (kinky) and Christmassy prompts for Loki. I already know what’s behind every little door, of course. But that doesn’t mean I’m hoping for loads of enticement/suggestions from you guys in my inbox. You know I love receiving your ideas! Please, feel free to request whatever Christmassy prompt you can come up with--most of which I will combine with my Christmas special--and also, do not hesitate to send me requests for other characters as well, if you have any. As this is a Christmas special, most Imagines will be for Loki (and I can’t complain because usually, 80% of all requests I receive are for our mischievous Trickster 😌) but if there’s a specific prompt/request, another character will, throughout the Christmas season, of course make an appearance too.

Requests will be open until November the 30th. I bet many of you guys are in a Christmassy mood already and while I only put away my Halloween decoration today, I’m sure you are as ready as me for some Christmassy prompts.

I will not be able to take regular requests this time, due to the sheer amount of Imagines I’m planning. Rest assured though, as soon as “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” comes out, I will be posting some Kylo Ren and General Hux Imagines in between. I might even be able to take some requests as soon as I’ve seen the movie (which I am super excited about).

Until December the 1st, I will be working on the remaining requests that are still sitting in my inbox, including a sequel for that Thomas Sharpe Imagine you’re all waiting for. ♥

As usual, if you would like to request, please send me an ask, not a direct message and not a comment under this post, simply so I can keep an overview.

I write for:

Kylo Ren (Star Wars)

General Hux (Star Wars)

Captain Boomerang (Suicide Squad)

Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad)

Eric (Divergent)

Loki (Thor/The Avengers)

Newt Scamander (Fantastic Beasts)

Adam (Only Lovers Left Alive)

Captain James Conrad (Kong: Skull Island)

Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Ragnar Lothbrok (Vikings) ATTENTION: I’ve only seen two seasons thus far. If you want to request something with Ragnar, please make sure not to include any spoilers!

Jonathan Pine (The Night Manager)

Thomas Sharpe (Crimson Peak)

Now, last but not least, please just make sure to read this quick FAQ before sending me a prompt. I only have a couple of rules but I really would appreciate if you considered them before submitting. 🤗

What do you write? I’ve been a passionate fanfiction writer for more than eight years. Thus, I write stories with my own OCs and Imagines with female reader inserts only. I don’t do personalised Imagines (e.g. specific appearance or name), Imagines with real existing people (like Tom Hiddleston), alpha/omegaverse or songfics (because I have a very specific music taste and don’t want to write a songfic about a song I don’t like).

The only things I don’t particularly enjoy writing about are RC having children and being a mother (unless it’s animals because I’m a proud cat mummy), or being a child. Suicide and self-harm are, with few exceptions concerning context, a no-go for me, as is gore. Other than that, I’m not big on AU’s that take place outside the actual canon universe (so, e.g. vampire!Loki is fine but barista!Loki without his powers in a world in which the Avengers don’t exist isn’t really my thing).

Do you take requests? I do! If you want to send in a prompt/an idea, however, please check the description of my blog before doing so to make sure requests are open. Requests that I receive while they are closed I don’t accept simply because of time management, with only very few exceptions.Please keep in mind: Given that with more than 15k followers, I tend to get up to 100 prompts at once, I choose those I personally like the most and/or that inspire me to write something–it is, unfortunately, impossible to write them all. 😭 I also like to combine requests that work together well to work in as many of your ideas as possible.

So, what should I request? Basically, anything you want. Don’t hesitate just because you think your request is not good enough or weird! If you’re still uncomfortable though, you can send it anonymously as well. Please be aware, however, that I only write what I am personally comfortable with. If I feel like I can’t make anything of your request, if I feel like it’s a great idea but a simple oneshot wouldn’t do justice to it, if I have already read/written something too similar or if it addresses something that is triggering for me, please don’t be upset if I delete it. That, of course, doesn’t mean your request sucks but, like every writer, I want to write stories I actually enjoy writing… or it would just feel like homework! 😅

Do NOT (and trust me, I see everything) send the exact same request you’ve sent to me to other writers as well, for I think that is rude and disrespectful. Should you do so, I’ll simply delete your request(s). If you want me to write something for you, that’s great and I’m flattered but if you send me a prompt, you either want me to write it for you or you don’t want it at all. It’s as simple as that.

How do you let people know that you’ve written/deleted their requests? If the request was anonymous, all I can do is put a note at the beginning of the story and thus make everybody aware that it was a request. I don’t copy the prompts to insert in the Imagine. If the person came off-anon, I tag them to let them know it was posted. If I choose not to write your request because of one of the above named reasons, I will not publish your ask but simply delete it. It would be mean to answer something like “there’s no way in hell I will write this” and I certainly don’t want to show anybody up. However, if you’ve been waiting for a request to be written for a long time already, feel free to ask me about it and I will, if you prefer it that way, answer you privately. Sometimes Tumblr swallows asks, too, unfortunately.

Would you also write about a different character if requested? That depends on the character and the request. You might have noticed that I am mostly into bad guys and villains, so you can’t expect me to write happy unicorn fluff with the world’s nicest super hero. Anyway, you can always ask but please don’t be disappointed if I decline. Naturally, I don’t write about characters from movies/tv shows/books I don’t know, neither do I write about characters that I personally don’t like.

Do you write smut?

Yes, I do. ;-)

Do you do roleplay? No, I don’t.

Do you have a masterlist? You can find my masterlist in the description of my blog, it’s accessable on mobile as well.

What’s your Ko-fi? It’s a website on which you can support me and my writing by buying me a coffee, or alternatively, a cuppa via PayPal. It’s fast, it’s safe (you can stay anonymous) and I would appreciate it so much!

So where and how can I buy you a coffee? Click on the Ko-fi button or the “Support me?” link on my blog. ♥

[leggomylino]

I saw someone else do one of these about a week ago, and it’s been on my mind to do one as well. It’s a very sweet gesture and I want to let all my mutuals know that not only do I see them and care about them, but I also really appreciate y’all as well! So without further ado, here’s my shoutout to each and every one of you! ->

@lovesickmark​ -> I’m pretty sure you’re like, the first person I really connected with on here? If not THE first then definitely one of the first. I know you’ve been going through a lot and I respect that; I’m cheering for you from the sidelines tho, just remember that! It’s been wonderful having you around so I hope you’re doing well and that you keep moving forward. <3

@jisungx2​ -> JOSIIIIIIIE >A< My INFP sister. I’m sure things have been kind of annoying and rough for you too, what with the holidays here and having to work Black Friday and most the rest of the season (holy cow I salute you and I’m really glad you didn’t die. Ily man.) It makes me so happy when you leave cute asks in my box like “hope you have a great day!” or “[enter cute chain mail here]”. You’re just very cute 😞😞 and I really wish you all the best this holiday season! I hope you’re taking care of yourself and remembering to take breaks when you need it. Remember the storage room excuse. Ily bro man.

@iiasha​ -> We haven’t been talking for very long but like, omgosh I love talking to you oops. 😂😅 Idk sis, I guess because most of my mutuals are a bit younger than me it’s nice to have someone who’s the same age I can relate to? And also someone to guide me through the confusing but quite entertaining world of the Seventeen fandom 💍 (I’m on my laptop and I couldn’t find the giant diamond emoji don’t @ me). ALSO! YOUR WRITING!! IS SO GOOD!!! Ugh I STILL gotta get to that Jimin alt. ending 😫😓 But I’ve been very invested in working and my language studies as of late while procrastinating on my other works rip. ANYWAY! I APPRECIATE YOU!! LET’S TALK MORE!!! YEEHAW!!!!

@joully​ -> You and I are still going to take over the kpop industry with our band, right? Shoot, what was the name of it again?? 😂😂 I don’t remember RIP...anyway, we don’t talk hardly as much but, I still see a lot of your posts and think about you! You’re really talented and I’m totally jelly of your piano skills 🥺🥺 Like dang I wish I could play half as good sis. Also, I’d really like to visit Germany one day! My dad’s best friend lives there, they met while he was travelling Europe in the army. He said we may go there one day and if we do, or if I just have to make my own adventure, I’d love to meet at a coffee shop and say hello. <3 Please continue taking care of yourself and come talk to me sometime! If you don’t, I will!! Lol 💕

@minniewoos​ -> 😎😎 <- SEE I REMEMBERED ❤️ I really hope your anatomy final went well! I bet it did <3 And if you haven’t taken it yet, you’re going to do great, I know! ^^ We haven’t talked for long but, I enjoy talking to you a lot. It’s always nice and appreciated to have another stay to bond with and just chat about how dumb boys can be but wow they sure are cute while doing it. Sigh. Anywho, I’m looking forward to talking with you more, and if you ever get a chance, I’m excited about getting to maybe study Korean together!  천천히 해 💓

@kpoptrashx2​ -> Luisa!!! We don’t really speak as often either 🤔 But I really appreciate that you’re always there to help me with my writing and give me pointers when I need it. Thank you so much for that! It’s truly very helpful because as a writer I have no idea how something is going to sound to others who have no idea what’s going on inside my head. ^^” Not only that but it’s a joy getting to chat with you as well. 💓 I hope you’re doing well and that we’ll get to catch up soon!

@hanniesunshine​ -> Omgosh sis I cannot wait for your story to come out! You know the one I’m talking about so I won’t accidentally spoil anything lol. But anyway! I hope you’re well and that you’re doing alright. We haven’t talked for very long but I had so much fun talking about your story with you, and I’m looking forward to chatting about even more stuff! 🥰

@bopping-to-my-kpop​ -> Sis you betta talk to me more or imma come after you 😤😤 Don’t test me I’ll dang sure hold another court case if I have to! And it’ll be totally rigged because I’ll be in charge of everything! The judge? It’s me. The jury? Also me~ Any outside opinions? I have influence in all of them! 💞 ...Nevertheless, I really hope that you’re well, and please know that you can come to me for anything :c Even if it’s just to take your mind off of something negative and you need a laugh. I’ll see what ridiculous shenanigans I can cook up for you, okay? You’re never a burden, I love helping people (esp. people I care about!) so please stop by anytime!! #westanemmainthishouse 🥀

@xxsanshinexx​ -> I haven’t talked to you in forever but I really hope you’re doing well! I haven’t seen many posts from you recently :(( Idk if you’re just busy or if I’m blind, but if you ever get a chance I’d love to catch up! Whatever you got going on please keep doing your best and remember to take your time as well. <3

@spuds-potato​ -> 🌟🌟🌟 B)) What’s poppin little sis? I hope you’re doing well as well, and I’m still waiting for my story 😤😤 Remember if Celi dies she’s dragging her bf down with her okay?! Okay. Some Romeo and Juliet action going on 😂😂 Aaaaaaanywho, I’ll have to pop in soon on Insta and you can tell me about your day! Remember boys are dumb and drink plenty of water~ 💗💗

@chanscoffee​ -> I know you’re super busy but I totally miss talking to you 😭😭 and I hope you’re well. I rarely use Snap but I need to hop on there sometime and maybe we can chat! Or on Insta. Idk we’ll see. Whatever you have going on just know I’m still supporting you and I’m here if ever you need someone. 💖

@daydream-jwoo​ -> Okay I’m telling you now imma be texting you soon! Seriously sis how have you been?! We have so much to catch up on! 😩😩 The holidays have managed to be both crazy and slow at the same time some how? Like time has been completely nonexistent and a total paradox lately. 🗿🗿 It’s wild. Anyway imma keep this one short bc it’s been so long and I’ll text you soon!! 💝💝

@thevampywarlock​ -> Give me a minute.........okay. *deep breath* AAAAH I THINK YOU’RE REALLY CUTE!?!?! ...Aaaaaanyway uwu” The stories you write are so cute and just, small wholesome things that you manage to extend and expand upon? Does that make sense? I really admire that. It’s like subtle but I definitely see it and eventually I’m going to come around to going on a reblogging spree \o7o/ But until then I hope you’ll consider stopping by and talking with me more? You’re a wonderful author and I think you have a kind heart. ^^ <3

@jisungsjheekies​ -> Oh sis. We gotta chat more too! Your stories are also very cute and well written and idk why but, I feel very compelled to support both you and @backhugsforhyunjin​ and whole squad. It’s very strange and I don’t mean to alarm anyone 😂😅 I just...can’t really explain it other than I feel like y’all are good people and I’d love to get to know you better. Anyway I’ll cut this short to avoid making anything unnecessarily weird, but, I’d really love to talk with you more! And I def support and appreciate you!!

@backhugsforhyunjin​ -> Sis you too, we def gotta chat more 😤 If you ever need anyone to talk to, I understand we aren’t close at all but I’m available to listen or give advice if you need it? 😅 Also, you’re a wonderful author as well. I really wish the best for you and hope to hear from you more in the future. If anything, please remember to take your time and know that there are people cheering for you! You got this, whatever it may be!!

@gaiyofanfiction​ -> Asdfghjkl now that we’re buds ofc I had to make you a part of this too 🤪🥳 I think we could use a team name, what do you think about #TurkeyDragons?  Bc the NCT float?? 😂😂 I like it honestly...but if you hate it lmk lmao. I hope we get to talk more soon and I’m really looking forward to an update of Twisted Karnival! One of the greatest fanfics I’ve ever read on here 😞✊ Of course with the Holiday season here updating isn’t super important, y’all pls take care of yourselves first and I hope you have a wonderful holiday season! (p.s. if anyone else is reading I wish this for y’all as well!) ❤️🎄

~~~

. . . That was a lot. If I’ve forgotten anyone I sincerely apologize and I love and appreciate you as well! Please don’t be mad at me 😩😩 At the end of the day I really do love and appreciate all my followers and mutuals, y’all are all fantastic and I’m always rooting and cheering for you like the Mom in every Pokemon rpg ;-;-;-; Keep going and become the Pokemon Champion okay? And I mean really go kick Gary’s ass, because he’s an ass and needs his ass whooped after all the crap he puts you through in Red/Green. I can’t wait for a reboot to come up on Switch so I can kick his butt all over again 😤🤭🥴 Anyway x9,000, thanks for coming to my Appreciation Ted Talks and I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful day and rest of 2019, as well as a happy New Year and an amazing 2020! ...Dear son of a biscuit it’s gonna be 2020. Wow. Letting that sink in. Where’s the rewind button? Actually I’m not sure if I wanna go back maybe it’s best if we bury this year for the most part and start over 👀💧

OKAY THAT BEING SAID EVERYONE GO OUT AND TAKE DOWN GARY!!! ILY ALL WOO 화이팅!! LET’S GET THIS 2020 BREAD after a cup of eggnog and some holiday celebrations uwu Peace out and again I love y’all! 💝

[skammovistarplus]

Culture and Translation - S01 E10

After the cut, lots of thoughts of bullying and betrayals. Also, me trying to get through these quick before season 2 starts dropping. 

CLIP 1: And now, for a lot of thoughts on bullying

¿Con las clases empezadas? (“Mid-term?”): Nora asks Eva something like, “with school having started?” I reworked it as it sounds awkward.

Es que no me entra nada (“I have no appetite”): Eva says something like, “I can’t get anything inside.” Again, no one says this in English.

Okay, so when this clip dropped, there were some discussions on twitter. Firstly, as someone who has attended high school in the US and Spain, I don’t believe Nora would be nicknamed Joan of Arc at an American high school. I don’t think Joan of Arc is that well-known of a figure that side of the Atlantic. Joan of Arc is a fairly recognizable figure in Spain because she is a Roman Catholic saint, and Spanish culture is highly influenced by Catholicism. In my opinion, a person like Nora, living in Wisconsin, would be called a SJW or a snowflake or something along those lines. The issue is, Spanish people don’t understand what those nicknames would mean. They would, however, understand the nuances of getting called Joan of Arc.

Then there is another issue. Nora says, “I swear that, in the US, being a freak is a lot worse than here.” That raises some questions, because the kind of bullying Eva is victim to, is actually really serious. I believe she has it the worst out of all the Evas. To recap: She has been abandoned by all her friends except for Nora. People are talking about her and pointing at her. People throw notes at her, and she is the victim of 24/7 cyberbullying, which involves a picture of the Eva/Cristian kiss and defacing the pictures posted to her ig. This has been going on for around a week. Tyler Clementi, to name a notable victim of cyberbullying, suffered under similar circumstances.  

So, since Nora is speaking from personal experience, how severe was the bullying she suffered in Madison, the bullying that makes her say that, “in the US, being a freak, is a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing. Some viewers felt that Nora was minimizing the bullying Eva was going through, as Nora only mentions namecalling, being nicknamed Joan of Arc. Spanish teen viewers (the target audience) felt that Nora was exaggerating what “being a freak” is like at an American high school. That is because Spanish teens’ knowledge of American high school comes from, you guessed it, TV shows and movies. In particular, a movie that was brought up in the comments to the clip was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. When this movie was dubbed for Spaniards, the title was translated as “Las ventajas de ser un marginado” (Perks of being marginalized). Now, you will agree that being marginalized is a lot stronger than being a wallflower, and so that led to the impression from certain viewers that being bullied in the US is a glamorous affair where your best friends are Ezra Miller and Emma Watson, you eat cannabis brownies, drive through tunnels for the aesthetics and go to school dances.

In short, this clip attempted to broach the topic of bullying in the US as compared to bullying in Spain, to an audience who has no real references of what American high school culture is like, outside of American popular culture. And to do so, they gave an unrealistic example (American students using Joan of Arc as a demeaning nickname), failed to explain why Nora would feel that bullying at US schools is “a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing (which barely holds up as an argument, as what Eva is going through has led students in the US to grievous harm), and led more educated viewers to wonder about the extent of the bullying Nora went through. And while bullying at American high schools is an important topic, should that be a topic that Skam ESPAÑA deals with? Is it relevant to the average Spanish teen’s experience? Personally, I feel like the writers may have bitten off more than the show can possibly chew, with this narrative choice, which informs Nora’s character as it is her backstory.

On a lighter note, Nora compares Eva to a dog, which should imply her stance on dogs isn’t so hard-line. The word she uses, “galletitas,” can mean a number of different things in Spanish. Generally speaking, “galletas” are cookies, but they may also be biscuits, salty crackers, or yes, dog food. I went with “kibble” to keep to the dog-related teasing.

Again, the characters suggest that Eva talks to her mom, but she doesn’t. As I mentioned, this is generally true of Spanish teens (we aren’t a hivemind after all), and more specifically, of bullying victims. One of the biggest issues about bullying in Spain is that victims take up to a year to tell their parents.  

CLIP 2: Learn English with Skam España

Okay, so this is definitely more about the effects on bullying than culture or translation anymore. Is everyone in that library talking about Eva? At this point, it no longer matters for either Eva or the viewer. The bullying she has gone through so far has made it so that both Eva and the viewer now feel paranoid that everyone is talking shit about Eva while Eva is present. Maybe those guys are just checking 9gag! But since they took out their phones at the same time Eva got an IG notification, it feels like they are definitely mocking Eva. I thought Eva’s actress was great through the entire bullying arc, and I liked that Skam España expanded on the bullying sl from the og, so that we could get a fuller portrait of the effects of bullying on their victims.

¿Con qué estás? (“What are you studying?”): The literal translation would be, “What are you with?” I.e. What subject are you working on right now.

When did Amira take that Bio test? She’s supposed to be in Eva’s group (we saw her in the third clip and she’s also on the Science track), but of course, that test was all about Eva and Lucas’ friendship angst.

Phrasal verbs are the bane of every ESL student’s existence, Cris included.

No seas plasta (“don’t be a pain in the ass”): “Plasta” is a synonym of “pesado/pesada,” which I already covered in an earlier post. It literally means “flattened mass.”

Me cago en la puta (“shit on a whore”): More pooping! Now we’re pooping right on top of prostitutes! But yeah, that’s the literal translation and, you know, sometimes you want to find the closer English equivalent, and other times, you just want to make sure people understand who or what we’re pooping on this time. Cris is really frustrated with her English skills, so she uses one of the stronger pooping variations.

This was one of the clips that were most fun to translate, for the challenge of translating an English quiz to English.

CLIP 3: Mess

Es que ya hay que tener mala hostia (“You really gotta be a fucking asshole”): “Tener mala hostia” is the stronger versión of “tener mala leche” (literally, to have bad milk). A person with “mala leche” is someone who acts in bad faith, a malicious or a bad-tempered person. The idiom comes from the idea that a mother’s breastfeeding milk can have an impact on her person’s temper or personality. “Hostia,” as we’ve covered, is the sacramental bread used for the ritual of the Eucharist, but it’s used more commonly to mean a smack across the face.

Cris makes a point of singling out the person who first uploaded the pic to instagram. When I link Skam España to people, I point out that they should also follow the social media posts, and here’s the reason. If you follow the social media posts, you already know who first uploaded the picture to instagram. It was Inés. The hate ig took it from her stories, cropped it, and posted the first meme. The sequence of events is clear if you followed the show in real time. However, if you bingewatch the episodes and don’t follow social media, you get the impression that, at this point, how the Eva/Cristian picture made it to the hate ig is a mystery. And also, that whoever uploaded it first (who we know to be Inés) is the one with beef against Eva. And, well, there’s beef of the level of “I uploaded a compromising pic to my stories to be a dick” and beef on the level of “I’ve vandalized all your pictures, turned you into a meme and covertly filmed you at school.”

This confrontation is so odd when you consider that, unlike the og girl squad who didn’t know about the letter written in period blood, the Spanish girl squad suspects the second years of being behind the hate ig. In fact, they know the girls have pulled similar shit before. And, best of all, Cris actually hooked up with one of them, so you’d think Cris’ presence might help matters?

The second year girls have a different Maths teacher. This one is a guy. The girl squad’s Maths teacher is a woman.

I find it funny that Rubén was suspended for three days for fighting with ALEJANDRO, but ALEJANDRO was not punished himself.

I just noticed that there should be an “into” in the sentence, “People are huge assholes and anything can turn INTO a joke to laugh your ass off.” Oops.

CLIP 4: Failing grade in Biology and in Friendship

As noted in the subs, in Spain we’re graded on a 0-10 scale. 5 is the passing grade. Lucas got an 8, which is considered a “notable” grade, but not “outstanding” (those are grades over 9). Eva got a 3, which is well below 5. Much like Isak, Lucas is good enough in Biology that he does well in surprise exams. He seems to be resentful of what this grade might do to his GPA though, lol.

Lucas says that his mom was hysterical after his dad left, but the language he uses doesn’t make it explicit that his mom is mentally ill. The writers may or may not keep this part of Isak’s background. Thought I’d mention that since we know at this point that they have no issues giving the Skam España characters entirely different backgrounds. So far, it’s clear that Lucas’ parents fight a lot and that his home life is massively impacting Lucas’ mood and life, but we don’t know what the fights are about.

¿Para esto vienes de buenas a hablar conmigo? (“Is this why you talked to me like nothing happened?”): “de buenas” is kind of tricky to translate. You can come at someone “de buenas” (good) or “de malas” (bad). If you come at someone “de malas,” it means you’re already on a bad mood when you start a conversation, or you’re angling for a fight. On the other hand, if you come at someone “de buenas,” it means you’re in a conciliatory mood, or trying to avoid a fight.

CLIP 5: Hi privileges

Comiéndoos la boca (“Sucking face”): Inés actually says that Jorge and Eva were eating each other’s mouths. This is a common Spanish idiom, by the way!

El insta es muy jodido (“Insta is a mindfuck”): Eva says that Insta is “really fucked up,” as in, it does a number on one’s mental health. I went with “mindfuck” to get to the point of what Eva means, but keeping the swear word.

Eva asks Inés why she stayed friends with Jorge, but not her. I saw some commentary to the tune of, “why did they add that bit of dialogue? It adds nothing to the conversation, we already know this.” Personally, I think it’s good that they added it, because it’s a good starting point for a discussion, and particularly when it comes to the s2 storyline. Skam has gotten massive kudos for promoting sorority and friendship between girls. However, the s2 storyline is about Noora being forced to choose between her friend and a boyfriend. Vilde never dated William, but the storyline shares some of the same elements: Eva is torn between a guy she likes who likes her back, and her friend who is in love with that guy. So is Noora. Skam offers two outcomes to that scenario. Eva’s decision results in her expulsion from her friend group, while ultimately the girl squad friendship is stronger after Noora’s season.

Inés says she assumed that boyfriends come and go, but that she thought she’d stay friends with Eva forever. Was Eva Mohn right in choosing a boyfriend over her best friend? Was Eva Vázquez (since, thanks to the bonus clip, we know more of how Eva and Jorge got together)? Was Inés right to hold a grudge against Eva? And if she was right to do so, was she right to not hold a grudge against Jorge?  Is it ever okay to choose a boyfriend over your friends?

Again, if you haven’t kept up with the social media, Inés’ apology may seem confusing. It seems like she admits to being the person behind the hate ig, but then why would she not take credit for the meme? The first profile to make a meme out of the Eva/Cristian pic was eva_la_z0rra (or eva_the_s1ut). That’s because Inés is not behind the hate ig. She just uploaded the pic to her stories. I have noticed that people who didn’t keep up with the social media posts assume Inés took responsibility for the hate ig, which is interesting. You could watch og Skam without the social media posts and the story would be exactly the same than if you’d watched it with the social media posts. Social media added characterization details. When it comes to Skam España, you come away with two very different conclusions as to who ran the hate ig, depending on your level of investment (reading and watching everything vs just watching the episodes).

Retirar el saludo (“to snub someone”): This idiom doesn’t come up in the clip itself, but it gives cultural context to Eva and Inés’ conversation. In the course of a day, we say hi to everyone we know that we come across. We don’t necessarily stop and have a conversation, but we acknowledge them with a “hi” or a “how are you doing.” In Spain, we have a specific idiom for when someone’s fucked up and has lost their “hi” privileges. This is “retirar el saludo” (literally, “to remove the greeting”). Through the conversation, Eva seeks to get her “hi” privileges back, and eventually Inés agrees she will say “hi” to Eva when they see each other at school/around the neighborhood/at parties or botellones. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll stop to talk and catch up, but Eva now gets to be told “hi.”  

Social media: 

Cris turned 16 this week! I love that the writers specifically picked her birthdate so that it would fall on a day where the girl squad was still broken up. Needless to say, people were very salty in the comments, heh.

I’ve liked the way Skam España has referenced the og with similar social media pics, Kose Club, and song choices. Referencing songs from the og on insta is actually clever as it helps them circumvent music license issues, lol. That said, I think naming the Spanish girl squad after the og girl squad name Las Losers would be far too much. I hope they leave it at that, just a reference on a text update.

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[the-desolated-quill]

Hell Bent - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

As I was going through Series 9, I’ve been getting messages from @kaidans-getting-bi, @prettycanarynoir and @thealmightytwittytwat telling me how much they were looking forward to my review of the series finale. Reading between the lines, I could detect an almost masochistic glee to their messages. Like I was being sent to tame a rabid rottweiler and they were assuring me it doesn’t bite whilst stifling sadistic giggles.

Oh yeah. Did I mention Hell Bent was shit? Because it is. It’s very shit. Not that that should come as much of a surprise. Has Moffat ever written a series finale that wasn’t shit? It’s the sheer amount of shit I’m staggered by. How can one man fuck up so much? This is beyond incompetence. I honestly can’t believe anyone could write something this bad by accident. Even Tommy Wiseau’s The Room had some entertainment value. This is just nauseating to say the very fucking least.

So we’re back on Gallifrey... Oh. No we’re not. We’re in America now. One minute in and already we’ve hit Moffat Cliche No. 1. Random change of location or time period for no reason other than to wrong-foot the audience. This is quickly followed by Moffat Cliche No. 2. The ‘clever’ reversal that ends up stripping the emotion and/or tension from previous stories completely. The Doctor arrives at an American diner, and guess who’s behind the counter.

FUCKING CALLED IT!

I knew Clara wasn’t dead, and frankly I’m astounded nobody else saw this coming considering how often Moffat pulls this fucking trick. Like I said before, i’d have been more surprised if Clara had stayed dead by the end.

So back to Gallifrey. I imagine this must have been quite exciting for New Who fans who had never seen the classic series. A proper in-depth look at the Doctor’s homeworld. And yeah, it’s nice to see the Cloisters and the Matrix again, as well as the power the Time Lords have over time, but it doesn’t really bring anything new to the table. In fact, to be perfectly honest with you, I don’t understand what the point of any of this is. Gallifrey, the Hybrid, Ashildr, it all basically comes to nothing in the end. But now I’m getting ahead of myself.

So the Doctor is back and the Time Lords roll out the red carpet... in the form of Rassilon and a firing squad. Now let’s quickly remind ourselves of who the Time Lords are, shall we? Archaic, superstitious stick in the muds they may be, but they’re also insanely powerful, and Rassilon is the most powerful of them all. He’s the founder of Time Lord society. He’s so powerful that he has several artefacts and even an entire tournament named after him. So how in God’s name did the Doctor manage to walk all over them? Through no effort whatsoever, the Doctor manages to banish Rassilon and the entire High Council? Rassilon! Reduced to an impotent, powerless old man! How did the Doctor manage this? Because the script said so. That’s basically what it boils down to. I’m not saying Rassilon and the Time Lords don’t deserve it, but there’s simply no threat or tension here. The Doctor, the renegade, the outsider, just banishes them with little to no effort. Good old Moffat Cliche No 3. The main protagonist is the most important, specialist and bestest guy ever who is just awesome at everything, regardless of logic and sense.

Then it’s time to talk about this stupid Hybrid that’s been teased throughout this poxy series. The Doctor asks the General why they didn’t just ask him about the Hybrid in the first place. A very good question, and Moffat chooses not to answer it because that would reveal just how fucking pointless Heaven Sent really was. Also, brief side note, why did Rassilon try to kill the Doctor when they still need him to confess what the Hybrid is?

This whole Hybrid thing has got to be, hands down, the worst series arc in the whole of New Who. I’ve never seen a more poorly mishandled arc. So the Matrix told the Doctor about the Hybrid when he was a little boy. Not only are we back in Listen territory with Moffat stomping carelessly through dangerous waters and potentially revealing too much information about the Doctor’s origins, it also doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. If the Doctor has known about the Hybrid all this time, why is it only now that the Time Lords are worried about it? And how did they even find about it if the Matrix only told the Doctor? In fact why did the Matrix tell the Doctor at all?

So what is the Hybrid? It’s not half Time Lord/half Dalek (why did the Time Lords even assume that in the first place? Two warrior races? That could be fucking anything). Ashildr isn’t the Hybrid. Her only purpose it seems is to be a red herring. (So much for that narrative thread. She didn’t even get a proper conclusion or anything). The Doctor being half Time Lord/half human is very rapidly rejected (to which I breathed a sigh of relief so massive I may have caused a spike in the Earth’s carbon dioxide emissions). Turns out the Hybrid is... the Doctor and Clara?

Well it looks like we can add the word ‘hybrid’ to the ever-growing list of words that Moffat clearly doesn’t understand the definition of. Along with ‘psychopath’, ‘egomaniac’ and ‘diminishing returns.’ How are the Doctor and Clara like a hybrid? That’s just such an unnatural way to describe a relationship between two people. Moffat clearly thinks this is all clever-clever, but really it’s just painfully forced. Not to mention inconsequential. The Hybrid is destined to destroy the universe. The Doctor extracting Clara from her timeline could do that, but we never actually get to see the repercussions for this. Then the Doctor bizarrely suggests that erasing one of their memories would make everything okay, but how? If Clara’s mere existence puts time and space in danger, how does erasing her or his memory change that?

Oh but it gets so much worse.

Heaven Sent was trying to push the idea that the Doctor is utterly lost and ineffectual without Clara (an idea I utterly detest and protest to most strongly). Hell Bent takes it one step further, implying that the Doctor relies on Clara entirely in order to make moral choices. The most notable example is when, after the Doctor rescues Clara, he shoots the General in order to escape. Yes the General doesn’t die, because he/she/they are a Time Lord, but I was pretty appalled by how blasé the Doctor was about it. He tries to downplay it, saying dying is the equivalent of man flu for a Time Lord, but the fact is the Doctor has just taken a chunk of the General’s lifespan for literally no reason as far as I can see. This is scarcely trivial. Moffat is clearly trying to demonstrate how dangerous the Doctor is without Clara’s influence, but to do so he’s twisting the character into unnatural shapes and insulting the audience in the process. Can you imagine the Doctor going to such extreme lengths for any other companion? Fuck no!

Clara has already been established to be the most important companion ever thanks to the god awful Name Of The Doctor, saving the Doctor’s life throughout his long history (Moffat Cliche No 4. The sassy dominatrix who acts strong and independent, but really is only there to prop up the male hero). Now Moffat has taken another insulting step by implying that the Doctor needs Clara to be a decent, functioning person. How much more fucking arrogant can Moffat possibly get? It’s bad enough that throughout Peter Capaldi’s tenure, Twelve has been portrayed as completely ineffectual without his precious Mary Sue around to fucking babysit him, but this just takes the biscuit. How DARE you suggest to me that the Doctor needs Clara for his most important qualities. How DARE you suggest to me that the Doctor is a violent, unprincipled killer without Clara. How fucking disrespectful is that to this character’s legacy, to put your own special creation above and beyond him and say he gets all his defining characteristics from her in order for the showrunner to massage his own humungous fucking ego. Clara even gets her own fucking TARDIS at the end! So much for questioning whether her becoming like the Doctor is a bad thing or not (not that the series was ever really concerned about that. Like I said before, Clara’s arc was never really about Clara). As that American diner flew off into the sky, two words escaped my lips:

Good riddance.

Series 9 was... fucking atrocious. With the exception of Face The Raven, none of these episodes are remotely good. The Doctor is once again placed under a microscope to be scrutinised while plotting and characterisation fell to the wayside. The stories were often boring, nonsensical and convoluted, and the series ‘arcs’ (if you can even call them that) were poorly developed and had no satisfying payoff whatsoever. Hell Bent was just the final turd on top of the dumpster fire. A pointless, vacuous load of absolute arse written by a man too stupid and too self absorbed to write anything worthwhile or compelling, and clearly has absolutely no fucking respect for the franchise he’s writing for. I’ve been getting into a bad habit of describing each subsequent series finale as the worst series finale so far. The Name Of The Doctor was the worst until Death In Heaven took over. Death In Heaven was the worst until Hell Bent reared its ugly head. Now I’m too scared to declare that Hell Bent is the worst series finale so far in case I jinx the Series 10 finale. Can it get any worse than this?!

[kcllers]

Introducing JAKE KELLER -- the product of Linc’s late-night journey through GIFs of sad boys™ earlier this week! Below the cut you will find a brief history, fun facts, and my general blurbs about this artsy lil mofo. ( Also me being a trash biscuit but honestly what’s new. )

Once upon a time, an infant boy was given up for adoption in Texas by a nineteen year old mother who, after much thought and consideration, deemed that her abilities to parent wouldn’t suffice. It was, perhaps, a selfless act in guaranteeing her child a shot at the best life -- but that doesn’t mean said child, now twenty-two and in the spotlight, can’t resent her for it.

With striking green-blue eyes, the child was taken in by foster parents in the suburbs of Austin within a few weeks, and that baby boy came to be known as Jake Keller. Bright-eyed and curious, he dazzled the Keller family and their friends, even managing to befriend their neighbor’s parakeet after it escaped. Synopsis: young Jake Keller was a fucking charmer. Intelligent, adventurous, observant -- by the time he was three, the Kellers had led him to memorize all of the major world capitals. And, quite impressively, the young boy began to give whimsical water color paintings to anyone and everyone with whom he crossed paths. ( One day, when Jake was five, he got screamed at by a neighbor for riding his bike on their lawn and crushing their flower bed. The next day, he tacked a painting of nearly identical flowers onto the ground he’d ruined. )

In elementary school, Jake was the type to draw on his friends’ hands, arms, and jeans. Layla King even asked him to doodle in Sharpie on the toes of her brand new hightops. Pictionary was Jake’s calling -- the other kids loved when it was his turn to draw.

Up until his ninth birthday, his family life and school life couldn’t be better. That is, until his foster parents noticed how much time he was spending with Colin Redford and caught them linking pinkies in the back yard. To the Kellers’ dismay, other parents at the fourth grade open house gushed about how strange it was when their children, bewildered, came home on the first day of school describing how Jake had kissed Colin on the cheek at recess.

So, what’s a foster family to do when they discover shit they don’t like? Play the system. When Jake returned home from riding his bike around one night, he overheard his foster parents -- really parents, to him -- frantically discussing what to do with him. “We’ll get him gone, Karen,” his foster father had reasoned, “I’ve got a plan.” The next day was Jake’s last day at school before he was taken away by DCF and plunked into a group home for children struggling aggression. The nine-year-old was asked to testify, on record, about attacking his foster mother -- allegations, of course, he truthfully denied. However, the agent overseeing his case didn’t believe him, so in the group home he stayed. Forced to grow a thick skin, Jake learned that the only way not to get hurt was to burn through people before they’d attempt to burn him. He became involved in numerous fights, often sporting scraped knuckles, black eyes, split lips. Because of this, he was moved from the group home to another foster care situation when he was 12, after his social worker finally deemed him “unfit for group life.” At his subsequent foster homes, however, Jake never lasted long -- being without a real family led to teasing, to threats of harm, and... well. He learned not to let people push him around.

After being suspended from school for breaking another kid’s nose and arm, Jake entered school-mandated anger management classes. He completed his GED through online courses, moved again from group home to group home with stricter, more militant rules. In the anger management courses and meetings, Jake rekindled his love for art.

One of Jake’s few friends from foster care reached out to him about a trip to California when they turned 18 and were finally out of the system. They road tripped from Colorado, where they’d both ended up. On a whim, Jake auditioned for the role of Charlie Taylor in Zenith’s Suburbia. It was more of a joke than anything, but just before they were about to leave California a week later, Jake got a call saying he’d received the role. So he scrounged up enough money from his savings to buy a small studio apartment in Hollywood and began living life as an actor.

The fame has been interesting for him. He’s always been charismatic, but due to his childhood/teen years, negative press advances put him on edge. He’s come close to smacking paparazzi a few times for getting too close, but so far he’s been in the clear. Still has a short fuse, though.

Recently he upgraded to a larger loft apartment, designating the largest room to be a studio where he paints, sketches, and creates regularly. It’s a hobby for him more than recognition, but a few of his paintings have been sold and circulated.

He loves cinnamon rolls? His fave breakfast in the history of ever, I swear. He’ll never admit it, but it’s because that’s what he’d always have with his first foster family on Sunday mornings, before things went to shit and he, well... went through hell and back.

Um like I don’t wanna make a big deal out of this bUT! HEHASANADORABLETEXANACCENT. <3

Loves hugs. 99.99% chance he will hug you unless you attempt to slight his honor.

Allergic to pet dander? He gets all sniffly and his eyes get itchy. Not anything a Benadryl won’t fix, so.... Yes. He will still snuggle with your dog. He’ll just be sniffling a lot later.

~~~~ [Insert Southern charm here] ~~~~ (I’m still not over it) He doesn’t say howdy but he does say y’all. Obviously his character on the show doesn’t have it though so a lot of times on set he’ll speak with a plain, blank slate American accent. But once he’s off set? Southern charmer. At the bars, people eat it up. This ain’t his first rodeo. (Tbh I don’t even think that fits, I just wanted to say it... @me please stop.)

Wanted Connections:

People he met along the way as he hopped from group home to foster home, etc. I feel this this would’ve taken him all around the Midwest. 

That friend from foster care!! One of the very few people he kept around from his past, honestly.

Someone who gets under his skin. Jake tries very hard not to lash out but this person really pushes his buttons.

Squad!!! He’s like, really charismatic most of the time? Sociable. Especially now, since the fame’s more of a chill fact of life.

PR relationship. Jake is good at separating his personal life from his professional life, but it’d be cool if we could fuck with that a little. Cause some #drama.

Coffeeshop/thrift shop/general excursion pals. I imagine Jake’s really into the #aesthetic of photographs, even though painting/sketching is his main thing? So someone who’s willing to scope out dope photoshoot places and pose 15 billion times for him -- and vice versa.

But yes that is the basic rundown!! I whipped this up so fast so pls don’t !me. @ :”) 

If you wanna plot with this lil beb ( or any of my other bebs tbh ) smash that like !!11!111! Am I a YouTuber yet? Subscribe to my channel and let me know if you’d like me to make more videos like this in the future! :O If we get to 200,000 likes maybe I’ll make a sequel duN DUN DUNNNN. ( Jk we all know I will because my self-restraint is trash and I already have a Colin Ford in mind named Dakota. #LINCISTRASH2kALWAYS )

<3 Ily all! xoxo Gossip Linc 💋