#because every time i feel upset i just start overcompensating and stop existing the way i do and go into some kind of god mode so im almost

[mistyycowoa]

I'm just wondering how people deal with mental issues, in the same way that writers wonder what other people do for a living

How do y'all cope?? Do you cry like how your brain tells you to?? Because I'm pretty sure most people don't like to cry even if they have to and I'm like. ????

[storytellersumayyah]

5. tristan and rafael- meal

for sam, who heard about the small pieces and acknowledged that progress

tw: disordered eating habits

Rafael isn’t expecting visitors.

They hesitate before opening the door, wondering if someone else ordered take-out and there’s just been a misread number.

But the doorbell rings again, and they drag themselves from the chair to the door.

It’s Tristan.

They immediately open the door.

“Are you okay?” They ask.

Tristan shakes his head. “I- I just-”

“Come in. Sit,” Rafael says.

They have no idea what them and Tristan are. They’re not dating, they’re not friends. They’re doing some weird dance where Tristan pushes and Rafael goes along with it, but neither of them are being truly honest.

Rafael waits.

Tristan stands. “I should go, this isn’t fair on you.”

“Tristan. Please stay.”

“It’s a lot. In my head. It’s messy.”

“Well, I don’t particularly enjoy cleaning, but I can try and make an exception for you,” they say. It’s not a particularly good joke, but it makes Tristan chuckle. And that’s more than enough for Rafael.

Even though he steps through the door, as though he was some vampire that could not enter without a genuine and honest invitation, Tristan still hesitates. Selfishly, Rafael wants to go back in time and kill everyone who ever made him feel like he wasn’t allowed to exist. It’s a selfish desire because Tristan spends every single day slightly more accepting of who he is, and removing his experiences changes that, but they want it regardless.

“Sit,” Rafael commands. Tristan tries to exercise control over everything. Rafael doesn’t mind letting others lead, but they can somehow always tell when Tristan is controlling to stop himself spiralling rather than because he wants to be in charge. It’s almost disconcerting, the way they learnt so much about each other through nothing more than long hours in the library that were spent pouring over cases as they searched for something relevant to their submissions.

Or maybe it wasn’t just because of the time in the library. Maybe it was because they had both wanted someone to see them for who they really were, and not who they were perceived to be. Maybe it was because something changed the day Rafael confessed to overcompensating because they didn’t want people to think they shouldn’t be there, and Tristan said he envied the ease with which Rafael was able to bounce back without being afraid of ten thousand different things.

Or maybe it was because of everything else they’d confessed since then.

Maybe it was because Rafael always steered the conversation away from grades at the sound of Tristan’s footsteps, to prevent him from spiralling over his mediocrity. Maybe it was because Tristan never let anyone speak over Rafael.

Whatever it was, Rafael was grateful for.

“I don’t expect you to know what to do. I just cannot be alone right now,” Tristan said.

Rafael shrugged. “That’s a really great starting point. You know that right?”

Tristan smiled, weakly, but nonetheless. “You’re always so proud over such small things.”

“They’re not small. Not for you, so not to me.”

Tristan smiles. Properly. But then it falls. “I want to eat. But I feel like I can’t.”

Rafael’s blood runs cold. “Tristan…”

“It’s not- it’s not like that. It never has been. It’s just that sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve food. And sometimes, I can’t say that it’s just a thought that I had and don’t need to acknowledge beyond that. This is one of those times, but I’m so tired.”

Rafael doesn’t react, because they don’t want to show Tristan how upset they are. Don’t want him to see how much this hurts. Don’t want him to know that they aren’t strong enough to see him break without breaking themselves.

Tristan sees it as rejection, and he looks up, ready to announce his departure. Then he sees Rafael fighting his emotions, and he feels that familiar feeling he always feels. But he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Not yet. It’s too scary.

“Let me cook for us both. You can- I’ll let you take your own portion, but we won’t stop sitting together until you finish it. That is the compromise, okay?”

Tristan nodded, unable to do much more.

Rafael made mac and cheese. Tristan took slightly less than what he should have, but Rafael just smiled and said he was doing so well.

It took him longer than he wanted, and he felt nauseous right after starting, but then he started to feel better. Rafael finished at the same time as him, and he was so grateful that he started crying.

They didn’t tell him to stop. They just rubbed his back, whispering sweet nothings that made him feel better than his parents ever had.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Rafael rested his chin on top of Tristan’s head. “I just did what needed to be done. So if you ever need me to do this again, just ask. I won’t ever judge. I would rather be cooking for you at 2am than watch you believe you don’t deserve this life.”

Tristan nods. “I don’t believe it. Not anymore. Not as much.”

It’s not perfect. It will never be perfect. And Tristan has to be careful with every rejection and every sickness, but not as careful as he once was. It’s enough. It’s better.

[consumeconstantly]

Bring Me To The Precipice of Victory

1| 2 | 3(you are here) | 4  | next

Summary: When Batman departs— just for a short time, just to patch things up in Gotham— things go horribly, horribly wrong in Paris.

He doesn’t know if he can come back from realizing that Marinette and Ladybug are one and the same (and that his daughter has died more times than he can count.) (all biodad bruce are posted in chronological order but can be read as stand alones)

______________________________________________

The moment of peace, of solidarity, that Batman shares with Ladybug up on that rooftop at night means the world.

After a minute or two, Ladybug pulls back, tear tracks down the sides of her face, eye and nose red. She takes another minute of silence,hugging herself in the muggy Parisian air. When she next opens her eyes, Batman can almost imagine that Ladybug never cried at all. 

But he knows that's not true. Ladybug seemed so fragile in his arms. He can imagine— he can imagine Dick in her place, broken over Jason’s death. Tim losing his parents. All of his children facing insurmountable odds with no team by their side. Alone. 

Ladybug is not alone, but functionally, she may as well be. He’s watched the fights. He’s analyzed them. Ladybug is always, always the leader. She strategizes with Ryuko and Viperion, but Ladybug is who everybody looks to for an answer when things don’t work out the way they want them to. She’s the one with the plan, the backup plan, the out. She’s the one who swoops in to save the day.

She’s also the one who has racked up the most hours on the battlefield. Even Chat Noir, her partner, only has three quarters of the hours that she’s put in. For most of the other members of her team, she puts in double, sometimes even triple of what they do. Over the course of six years, there have been a little under two thousand battles, lasting from under an hour to over five hours. Ladybug has shown up for every single one, without fail. That’s not even counting the patrols that they do; although Ladybug is given a lot of flack for not patrolling as often as Chat Noir, there’s a fundamental difference in how they patrol. Ladybug is methodical, Chat Noir is volatile. 

He’s not a bad superhero when it comes down to battle, but the two of them are fundamentally different. Ladybug sees her time as a superhero as a duty. Chat Noir seems to view it as a time to unwind— and while that’s worrying, considering the information he’s gathered on the Miraculous Team so far points to the majority of them beings teens or young adults— it’s not what is needed to deal with the Paris situation. 

Perhaps one of the easiest ways to see these differences is during patrol. Chat Noir uses patrol time almost seems to be an outlet for stress. He entices whoever he’s on patrol with to race to random places in Paris with no rhyme or reason. Whenever he comes across crime, he stops it, but Ladybug— Ladybug searches for crime.

Ladybug has a team and she trusts them with her life, but she cannot trust them to be responsible. That is perhaps the worst possible thing that can happen. And through the videos that he’s watched, it’s clear that the hours she puts in do affect her, and fairly heavily. 

Whoever she is, she’s young. Too young to be in battle untrained, because they are untrained— despite being in the field for years, all of their basic form lacks and tells anybody with an experienced eye that they’ve never had formal training in martial arts. 

When Batman and Ladybug leave the roof, they leave on a better note than where they started. Batman is still upset that Tom and Sabine are dead, but he cannot attribute it solely to Ladybug’s negligence. He admires the young heroine for rising to the occasion when there was nobody else to help. He has no doubt that with the resources and training that he can provide him and his operatives already on the case, Hawkmoth will be revealed in no time at all. 

He’s right, but in the worst possible way. 

It’s largely a mistake on hiss part-- he gets a notification that the Joker broke out of Arkham again, and Hawkmoth and Pavona are missing for the time being. Though Ladybug has made a mistake in not taking Pavona out immediately, she and her team have won every akuma and sentimonster battle. The logical course of action is to go where the most danger is. 

Bruce does not have any predictive powers. There is no way for him to know what’s going to happen. But when he and his team finally catch the Joker and put him away again-- a feat that takes just a little under twenty four hours, extreme concentration, and a good number of injuries-- Batman finally gets a chance to breathe. The adrenaline from facing off against the Joker’s latest scheme fades. Batman reclines in a chair as Alfred binds his  wounds and passes him pain relieving pills while he gets stitches in his abdomen. 

He checks the news in Paris. 

He almost drops the device that he’s using to view the news. 

Marinette’s existence has been hidden from his family. With Dick, he was more concerned about his existence as Robin, rather than informing him that he had a sister. As soon as he started contemplating bringing up Marinette, Batman and Robin had a bad break. Then Jason came along, troubled and angry. Bruce didn’t want to introduce Marinette into the mix then because he was volatile. 

Jason died due to Batman’s incompetence. Bruce grieved the loss of his ward; Batman was never allowed to mourn the loss of his second Robin.

Tim felt unworthy as the only child Bruce didn’t pick up off the streets, and Damian-- well, Damian was Damian. First he had a superiority complex the size of the Grand Canyon, and once he got accustomed to how they handled things in the Wayne Manor-- though Tim would argue that Damian is still not used to this kind of lifestyle-- he overcompensated every single mission and needed a remedial course on How to Interact With Other Humans 101. Add the overarching concern of Marinette being exposed to his vigilante life style and being unprepared for it, and he was never able to tell his children that he had another biological kid. A daughter.

When the news that Sabine and Tom died reached his ears, he told everybody he had business in Paris without elaborating what. With Wayne Enterprises opening a Paris branch of their R&D specialising in European artifacts, it was easy to draw connections that weren’t there.

“Bruce, you need to relax. Business in Paris can be dealt with later, you need to take the time to heal,” Tim says.

A clip in his shoulder from a bullet, knife wounds on his torso and legs, a sprained wrist. Whatever chemical experiment the Joker got his hands out still pumping through his veins. “I need to go-- it’s important--”

The pain relievers Alfred gave him earlier were also a sedative. 

Tim catches him before he passes out.

#

He wakes up three hours late through sheer force of will.

“Paris!” Bruce jolts upright, still in costume, lying prone on a medical cot in the Batcave.

The first thing that catches his eyes is the red and black flying across the screens.

Ladybug.

His kids are all watching the screens with abject horror. 

“Is this,” Tim wets his lips. “The business trip that you were on?”

Bruce drags himself out of bed, adrenaline washing out any residual pain. He doesn’t have the capacity to respond, he needs to get to the zeta tube, he needs to get to Paris, Ladybug is bleeding, the city is in shambles, and Marinette-- 

One of the news sites up on the screen declares the arrondissements that are obliterated. The one that houses Tom & Sabine’s Boulangerie is amongst their number. An approximate death toll fills the static.

-- Marinette is likely among those lost. He has lost another child due to his inaction. Due to his inability to push through, to look forwards and predict the future and the consequences of his actions. Marinette is another Jason, but if Ladybug doesn’t get it together, she’ll be gone permanently. And Ladybug is little more than a child. She can’t handle it, not by herself, not with her team. She needs an experienced hero, and Batman will be there for her, be the one leading the charge against Hawkmoth as the civilians hide in their homes and pray for her Miracle Cure to reverse the damage.

Dick places a hand on his shoulder. Bruce tries to shrug it off, but his fingers dig into the place where the bullet clipped his flesh. The pain is just a reminder that if he does not get to Paris now, there will be thousands-- no, millions-- more who feel this pain. How did Marinette die? Was it an akuma? Did the rubble of one of the destroyed buildings fall on her? Did Ladybug even try to protect her?

“I need to go,” Bruce growls.

“You can’t. While you were out, the majority of the Justice League prohibited all travel via zeta tubes. Nobody can get into Paris right now.”

Bruce knocks Dick’s hand off his shoulder and turns to his eldest. At the very least, Dick and the rest of his children look solemn. Damian’s gaze is fixed to one of the screens that shows Ladybug. “A city is in danger, millions of lives are at risk, Marinette--”

His daughter is dead. He can’t bring himself to say it out loud.

Standing by idly is the last thing he’ll let himself do.“Who put out the order? I’ll get them to reverse it.”

Dick moves so he’s between the zeta tube and Bruce. “B, you don’t understand. If you go to Paris right now, you’ll get akumatized.” 

“I can handle my emotions.”

Jason points at the upper right section of screens that’s replaying past footage. “I wouldn’t bet Paris’ survival on it. Not when more level headed superheroes got on the scene first and failed. They really don’t need any heavy hitters getting akumatized. Not when Superman put three members of their team out of commission.”

Superman arrived on the scene first; it took a matter of seconds for him to get akumatized. He was responsible for razing down three arrondissements in no time flat. Ladybug had to call for a Lucky Charm in order to get her hands on some kryptonite, which forced her to recoup after her time ran out. 

Black Canary arrived next. Then Red Tornado. 

Both were akumatized in mere minutes. 

“After Red Tornado got akumatized, Wonder Woman led the charge to put the rest of the zeta tubes on lockdown,” Duke says, grim. “All we can do now is hope that these Parisian superheroes can pull off a win.”

Bruce stumbles over to get a better view. He remembers Ladybug, small and slight in his arms. A child, crying over the loss of her pseudo parents. 

A warrior, bloody and bruised and broken.

She is one of the last ones standing.

King Monkey and an ox themed hero both died at Superman’s hands. The former got in the way of his laser beams, the latter a victim of super strength and getting thrown through two buildings and having their necks snap at an unsightly angle. Chat Noir was also sent hurtling through the air, and the only reason he was still alive was because Ladybug alighted from the sky and grabbed him before he got sent through a building in his unconscious state. Black Canary came shortly after, apparently informed of the Superman situation and carrying kryptonite. 

She didn’t last for long either. Almost immediately after helping Ladybug and Ryuko bind Superman in such a way that he couldn’t escape, 

Pegasus got hit by Black Canary’s sound waves and Chat Noir’s residual injuries from his fight with Superman forced him into a state of unconsciousness. Queen Bee and Carapace were able to pull off a win against Black Canary, but not without serious injuries. Ryuko faced off against Red Tornado alone, which normally would have been a thing of awe, but in the grander scheme of things, was a huge issue, as without her, the Miraculous Team functionally lost all of their heavy hitters. Rena Rouge and several Miraculous users that clearly had never been in battle before were the ones left to hold their own against the scores of akumatized Parisians.

The only ones left to hunt down Hawkmoth and Pavona were Ladybug and Viperion, and the former was already on her third use of Lucky Charm.

Ladybug pulls out her communicator, dodging an attack.

“Can we get sound on this?” Jason grips the closest table.

Dick shakes his head. “Zatara says there’s already enough interference just trying to get these images. And for some reason, Dr. Fate refuses to get involved with any of this.”

Bruce’s phone rings. He doesn’t pick it up on the first ring, too focused on the ongoing battles. He does take his phone out of his pocket to silence it the next time, but when he presses the sound off, an image comes through.

“Bruce.” Ladybug’s image comes through crystal clear, and it doesn’t make him feel any better. Ladybug, blood dripping from her mouth, costume torn open, hair burnt, wild eyed. 

He opens his mouth to speak, but the image goes blurry as she moves to avoid several attacks pointed towards her. 

“Before I go, I--”

“Watch out, LB!” Bruce lifts his eyes to the screen that displays Ladybug and Viperion in battle. The spotted heroine gets pushed out of the way of a laser, but the snake themed hero takes the hit.

The ambient noise coming from his phone is strong; he can hear blades clashing in the background as Chat Noir, already on his last legs attempts to hold off Darkblade. Screaming from civilians, a strangled sob from Ladybug. “Viperion.”

Ladybug comes back into view. Blue eyes filled with rage.

“If this doesn’t end in our favor, you need to make sure that Hawkmoth and Pavona do not acquire both the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculous. Do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening.” She blinks, retreats into herself, and Bruce wonders if he’s seeing the girl behind the mask. 

“And If I don’t get to see you again--” If I’m dead, the words go unspoken, “I really did want the chance -- I-- you’re a good man. A good father. Your daughter-- she loves you. She really, really does. Stay safe.”

The transmission cuts off. On the screen in front of him, Ladybug closes her communicator, closes Viperion’s open eyes, and strides to the epicenter of the akumas. Blue fire flashes in her irises, and for a moment, she’s staring directly at the screen. And Bruce knows those eyes. He knows them. 

The next second, all of the computers simultaneously die.

Bruce is numb. No-- no.

He is nothing.

#

All his children-- no, not all his children, Marinette is missing, Marinette is Ladybug, and she’s out on a field that he can’t see grappling with magic forces strong enough to incapacitate Justice League members like their powers and abilities are inconsequential-- stare at him.

“That was… Ladybug?” Tim’s brow furrows. It’s clear that he’s thinking up a hundred different reasons why Ladybug and Batman are connected, why he’s the last person she calls before going into a battle that could very well cost her her life.

“My daughter.” The words are ash on his lips. An existence he’s never acknowledged. Not out loud. Saying it brings a sense of finality to the room. An impending death. “My daughter.”

Nobody asks how long he’s known or when he met her or why he’s never brought it up before. Everything is fuzzy. Floating. 

For a while, there’s silence. 

“Zatara says there’s too much interference to get the picture back up,” Dick opens his messages, frowning. 

Damian still stares at the screen Ladybug looked at directly, frozen.

Bruce picks himself up and moves. He may not be able to use the zeta tubes, but he has a private jet and a license, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do something.

#

It takes two hours too long to get to Paris. He shaved five hours off the flight length due to superior technology, and another hour and a half off due to sheer force of will. 

The landing is not a pretty thing, but Paris is already in shambles, and there’s no way that the ATC will approve his landing, so Bruce picks out the flattest looking spot of rubble before his jet meets the ground.

According to Tim and Duke, who stayed behind in case this turned out to be an attack spanning multiple cities, the battle ended mere minutes before they landed. Dick manages to get Zatara to broadcast the image in the cockpit of the jet, and on the screen lay three prone bodies. Gabriel Agreste, whose body type fits that of Hawkmoth, Lila, and a third that Bruce does not recognize. 

A bone sticks out of Marinette’s arm, the connected hand crushed and hanging limp. The opposing ankle is twisted almost fully backwards. She is covered in blood and ash and filth. There is no victory in her eyes. Only weariness.

In her good hand, she holds her yoyo. 

She raises her eyes skywards-- the roof of the Agreste mansion is blown clean off-- blinks slowly, and throws the yoyo into the air. 

“Miraculous Cure,” her lips read.

The corpses in Paris rise from the dead. Rubble reforms into buildings. The ashy haze that covered the city disappears.

Ladybug looks like she wants to disappear, too.

She collapses, instead.

Nobody is there to catch her when she drops to the floor. 

@biodad-bruce-month

Maribat tag list(to be added onto this pls send me an ask/dm): @our-precipreciousss @my-dear-friend-anxiety

Who Are You (and what will you become) tag list (to be added here just comment): @anjuschiffer @theunquiet-dead @certainmuffinbagelcalzone @cresentmo0n @allulily @myazael @zalladane @rebecarojas07 @keepingupwiththemalfoys  @frieddonutsweets @all-mights-asscheeks @thornalchemist23 @trippingovermyfeet @jiso-lee @redscarlet95 @ira-sairain @screechingflapbiscuitpeach @ramos123 @cutechip @theunquiet-dead @sleep-deprived-aroace @enternalempires @lilkymilky @woe-is-me0 @officiallydarkgeek @miyla-lokidottir @queencommonsense @demonicbusiness 

mb for not doing tag list right away i forgot i had these cued up already

[demoncryptspanties]

Time after time

Part 6

Masterlist, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 

A/N: Sorry this is a day late I didn't realise the time x. Also, thank you so much for the support. This part is a little short but next week is the last part x. I hope you enjoy xx. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first time he spoke to you after was 3 months later, Sabrina and the aunties kept with their weekly talks, but Ambrose had given you the space you wanted. You hadn’t been expecting it, you wanted to say at all but that was a lie. You also wanted to pretend that you weren’t waiting for it. Your conversation was short and polite. The how are you’s and what have you been up to. It was shallow talk, neither of you really cared that much. It was much of the same for both of you. You could also feel it, the difference in the way he spoke to you. The distance, the sadness. It was like with every word he said there was a deeper meaning, something that he wanted to say but didn’t.  

You didn’t talk about each other, the letter, or the box. You both wanted to but neither of you would let it ever get to that point, so you overcompensated with other deeper talks of conversation. Your parents, his uncle, Rome. He understood your feelings for everything but what he wanted to know, deep in his heart. You managed to get back to some sort of normality, your monthly talks became once a week and when you came to visit it was the same as before. Except whatever was left unsaid felt like it needed to stay that way. You were comfortable, as was he.  

Developments that did happen included Jude taking over the coven back home. His father had passed down the responsibility to him deeming him ready. The two for you had kept in touch, one would call you good friends, but you hadn’t seen him since you had left. His first act was to pardon both your sister and yourself which you thanked him for, you still decided not to see either of your parents. They were no longer a significant part of your life and you were okay with that. Everything seemed to be looking up. 

Ambrose’s kimonos that you kept were still an odd sort of comfort for you but once they stopped smelling like him, you began to wear them as if they were yours. That didn’t stop Selene from sleeping in them, or you finding her nestled in the sleeve of one now and again but you didn’t think too much of it.   You also had the pleasure of watching Sabrina grow up, becoming a young lady you admired deeply, she had the stubbornness of a bull which constantly got her into trouble, but you didn’t mind. She had to learn to pick her battles and over the course of the years, she became better at it. She knew just about the bare minimum to do with your relationship with her cousin. She saw you as family and that was enough for her. 

You hadn’t heard from Ambrose for a week, then two weeks and then three. It was then that you decided to call him, but he didn’t pick up or call you back at all. At first, you assumed that it was because of something to do with the failed dark baptism you had heard about from an extremely disappointed Zelda, but when it was clear that it had nothing to do with that you began to worry. It wasn’t like him to not share things with you, more so for him to completely block you out. You assumed that you had passed that stage where it was just awkward, where you only talked about shallow things but apparently not. The aunties had almost outright refused to say anything, saying that it was for him to tell you which led you to Sabrina.  

She had called you, initially to talk about something to do with Harvey and her dark baptism but stopped herself when you asked about Ambrose. She could tell you were worried but didn’t say much over the phone just something about a sleep demon that had rocked him and the boy he was dating. Now this boy, Luke was a surprise to you. Not that Ambrose had owed you an explanation because you knew you weren’t entitled to one but not calling for over a month because of trauma and a new guy made you think a little deeper about your relationship. 

You immediately made plans to visit under the guise that Sabrina had been getting into so much trouble that it seemed imperative that you came down. The journey itself took you 2 days since you took a pit stop at your sister who was staying a town over. There was really no reason for you to stay there but she opened the door and welcomed you anyways. Her, her girlfriend Ariana and you had an awkward dinner. That was the first time you had met her and your unwillingness to talk about yourself, perhaps due to not trusting her at all meant that it went almost silently until she started to talk about herself to fill the silence. It wasn’t that she rubbed you the wrong way but more of this was the first of Angelicas partners that you had met, be that purely accidentally. 

You got there the next day at a shorter time than expected, you were originally supposed to get there in the late evening but, you didn’t. You didn’t bother to knock or anything and went straight to Sabrina’s room, she was doing something on the floor. She made a small effort to hide what she was doing but, in the state, you were in, you didn’t exactly care. Your feelings had had time to ferment meaning that what started off as concern became a mild annoyance and eventually slight anger. You were being irrational; it probably didn’t matter all that much, but it also could. 

“Y/N, I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until the evening.” Her tone wasn’t exactly surprised, she wasn’t even looking at you, still tinkering with whatever was in front of her.  

“Yeah well, I thought I could do the journey faster.” You had a scowl on your face but sighed and sat down at the edge of the bed.  

“Well, shall I give you an overview of Luke.” Her eyebrows were raised a sly smirk on her face. She was scheming, you knew it, but you played right into it anyways. 

“Please, would I like him?” That seemed doubtful, you didn’t even like the thought of him. It wasn’t jealousy you were feeling or even annoyance. You hadn’t even met him, but he was rubbing you the wrong way.  

“No. Probably not. I haven’t seen him much, but he seems good for Ambrose. He’s getting out more. Sort of. He has some connection with the high priest, maybe his sentence will get overturned.” She said that in a playful tone. You weren’t sure why, but she wanted a reaction out of you.  

“Wait, he astral projected. Does he know how dangerous that is, how stupid that is? He could have – like – died.” He never made that effort with you. He hadn’t even mentioned it, not once.  

Sabrina huffed but didn’t say anything in response, she instead tried to steer the conversation away from this, “Also, I am the one taking care of the queen of the feast.” 

Her statement did as intended and you completely changed your tone, “well I guess that’s good. Why haven’t they got rid of that, Jude did the moment he took over as high priest. It's outdated and sexist. Also, that is cannibalism and aren’t we supposed to be a dying breed or something.”  

There was a noise from upstairs that stopped the two of you. You two shared a look and got up to see what the fuss was about. It was a shock, to say the least. “Ambrose,” you both said at the same time. Your head was spinning, not because of what was happening, well definitely because of what was happening.

 You and the girl in the middle shared a look which made you raise an eyebrow.   “Sabrina, Y/N” You both looked at each other a little stunned. Sabrina had an exchange with the boy you assumed was Nicholas while you and Ambrose still stared at each other. Neither of you knew where to go from here, he looked like he wanted to say something but stopped himself. It was only when the girl in the middle said something that you snapped out of wherever your mind went. 

“Well, Sabrina you are welcome to join us, get in or get out. That invitation extends to your pretty friend,” You narrowed your eyes seemingly considering it for a minute. You cleared your throat, “long journey, maybe another time.” You followed Sabrina out. The peach walls of your room offering you no comfort. The colour seemed duller; the room emptier. You had no right to be upset, you had not exactly been a saint but there was nothing significant, nothing more than a hook-up. You thought about the other guy that must have been Luke and fell asleep, missing the dinner and the reveal about Prudence not that you cared about strangers.  

The next morning gave you, your first formal meeting with Luke. It wasn’t unpleasant. He was happy. You told yourself that’s what mattered. It was awkward though. You assumed it was because he felt outnumbered by the number of women in the room and the snake that seemed to appear out of nowhere every couple of minutes to hiss at him. You had no malicious feelings, or at least you thought you didn’t, but Selene must have picked up on something though she, of course, had a mind of her own. The two of them didn’t say much despite your prompting and Luke left too quickly.  

You retreated to your room, Sabrina going about her business as well as the aunties. Ambrose entered your room without warning a sheepish smile on his face. 

“So, Luke what do you think.” He chewed lightly on his lip, this was important to him, you decided at that moment.  

“What am I supposed to think, I didn’t even know he existed since you decided to leave me hanging for a month,” you answered curtly. He started to walk towards you but decided against it. 

“I’m sorry. I should have said something. I guess I thought you wouldn’t approve.” His voice was just above a whisper, it was a lie. Sort of, there was something more, you didn’t push it.  

“I don’t understand why my approval is needed. Although I assumed you weren’t talking to me because of something to do with that sleep demon.” He swallowed hard at the mention of the demon. It wasn’t the time for it, it was making him too uncomfortable so you changed the subject before he could answer. “I didn’t know that you were so into orgies how was that.” You raised your eyebrow and then turned around searching through your trunk and unpacking your clothes. 

“Your opinion matters to me.” There was a slight pause before he continued, “the orgy wasn’t planned Y/N.” he sighed and stretched moving forward to help you unpack. 

“If he makes you happy.” You said nothing more than that, the two of you unpacking and then him leaving. 

The rest of the day was uneventful save for the evening. It seemed to be just before the feast and everyone was getting ready, save for Ambrose and yourself. Luke had appeared to stay with Ambrose for a while but needed to leave. Somehow you had found yourself alone in the kitchen with him the two of you sitting in an awkward silence before he decided to break it. 

“So, you and Ambrose, what’s the history like there.” He seemed sincere, innocent if you weren’t looking that hard but you were. You were fishing for something which was still unclear. He clearly was as well. 

  “We dated for a while; we obviously no longer are.” He frowned at you and his face went darker. 

“I’m assuming that means there’s nothing unresolved or anything. No – problems.” His eyebrows were raised, and he was looking at you very intently. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Although I care about him a lot. I will make you wish you were dead if you hurt him.” You looked at him straight in the eyes, him holding your stare. 

“That won’t be a problem.” he smiled lightly to himself before continuing, “Just don’t.” He stopped himself, instead smiling darkly at you. It would seem like a polite conversation to anyone walking past.  

“What is that supposed to mean,” Your teeth were gritted, he was still fishing but you wouldn’t give in. You could play coy, you did it well.  

“Exactly that,” the tension in the room was thick but luckily Ambrose chose that exact moment to come in a bid farewell to Luke. He gave you both a smile and left.  

You left everyone to their own devices for the remainder of the evening having a quick conversation with Angelica before feeling surprisingly groggy. The coffee you had didn’t stop the grogginess and instead, you felt fainter and sluggish. It seemed that nothing could stem the issue and you fell asleep quite suddenly in the corner of your bed.  

The next day was odd you walked downstairs in the morning to eat something but struggled to stay awake. Luke, of course, was there again; he threw you a sly smile only noticed by yourself and took his place – your place - by Ambrose. “Good morning Y/N, you seem a little sleepy,” Luke said from his spot opposite you. His coyness was back again, the smile turned to a smirk and he raised his eyebrows.  

“Yes, well I’ve been busy. It has taken a lot out of me.” You said over your cup of tea. 

“Well, there’s always a spell for that. Extremely simple you must know it.” You hummed in response not really registering what he was saying. 

“So, what subjects did you do while in England?” He asked almost sincerely. “Potions, Healing, conjuring and of course the writing course. It’s where I met Ambrose.” You looked him in the eye there seemed to be a glint in them, you were missing something important.  

“Well, they, of course, are rather easy, brilliant for assisting your husband I suppose. Perhaps only useful in those areas.” There was a cough from Ambrose himself and you gritted your teeth. Selene who was rather comfortable around your wrist hissed loudly, slowly uncoiling herself from your arm. Nobody seemed to notice her, too engrossed in what your reaction would be.  

Hilda sensed what was about to happen and suggested another coffee for you and a spell to stem how tired you were. You nodded at her gladly, letting out a breath and clenching your teeth. Selene recoiling herself. She said that she needed to get prepared and would perform the spell the next day, leaving you to spend the rest of the day sleeping.  

For some reason even with the coffee, you had and a spell by Hilda you were groggy. More than groggy, it felt as if you were running on three hours sleep when in reality you had spent the majority of yesterday asleep. The most logical explanation would be that someone had hexed you and with your encounters with Luke that was probably what happened. 

You really didn’t want to not like him, and he and Ambrose seemed happy but something about him threw you off. Perhaps it was the throw away comment about your studies and skills but that was only one incident right.

[awfully-sadistic]

“That’s starting to get annoying.”

The pen clicks stopped only for a split second before starting up again. It was obvious the comment slid off Fox’s back like no one had spoken at all. Lala glanced between siblings; Felina and Fox. Lala was seated on Fox’s left side and Felina was across from them. They had been seated in a restaurant, Fox having been deep in thought with his menu, clicking one of his drawing pens out of habit. A while before, he had been scribbling ideas down on a napkin thanks to Lala’s influence. Everyone around Fox had just been a ghost. In fact, Felina’s complaint might as well have been said by nobody since there wasn’t anybody in the Family that could reach Talalelei’s status and of course, no one can reach her status because Fox put her on the pedestal himself with the rest of his ridiculous high standards. Though… could anybody blame him?

 Talalelei was hard to describe in just one word and the way she made you feel was also hard to put into words. It was probably why Felina found herself ensnared by this young woman and tried to do everything within her power to ensure that Lala had her needs met to at least hold a candle up to what she gains from Lala. She was perhaps overcompensating in a way but it was the kind of relationship where Felina felt like she had never done enough every damn time no matter any reassurances from Lala’s end and Lala was always there to reassure her. But it was also understandable that other people would fall for Lala; Felina was a Frenzy with a stunted show of emotion. It was the same for any Frenzy had anyone given the chance to stay in a room with them for an evening. But with Lala, these emotions could blossom and often showed. Felina experienced this and soon enough, the change in her had been seen. It wasn’t an obvious show at first but as time went by, the other brood of Frenzy’s had started to notice and grew suspicious. But this was a time when the Frenzy’s were still a splintered brood and they minded their own business; Felina’s changed of behavior was weird, yes, but was it affecting them? No. Therefore no one said a damn thing but continued and for a while, Felina was content with the satisfaction that her beloved and cherished girlfriend would not have to meet her family after all. They seemed disinterested, right? So, why even bother? It would only embarrass her if she weren’t afraid of anyone gaining any unhealthy obsession with her girlfriend as she knows quite a bit of her brood to do. She just didn’t want to take the chance.

             But things changed around the time Felina’s twin brother had invited her out to lunch. But she also had a planned lunch date with Lala. Of course, she was all about blowing her twin off for her girlfriend when Lala suggested this would be a good opportunity to meet some of the Frenzy’s. Lala may not have understood why Felina never brought up family (to be fair, Lala did not either and since neither of them touched the subject, the subject never came up) but Felina brought up her brother for the first time and Lala grew curious. It was the first instance of hearing about another Frenzy and to hear that Felina had a twin had her heart flipping; was there another Frenzy out there that looked like her girlfriend? Acted like her girlfriend? There was two of them?! Since Felina could not say no to the look Lala was giving her, she caved in and arranged for a lunch date (+1).

 The initial greeting between siblings went well mainly because Lala had said she had forgotten her phone in the car and it would be no problem to meet up at the table. Felina was going to protest, wanting to wait for her, but Lala ushered Felina through the elevator from the parking garage. Lala could hear Felina yell through the elevator that it was dangerous to be in the parking lot by herself although it was well-lit and Lala was most definitely not by herself. There were people coming and going into the expensive looking restaurant and most likely five-star hotel so security was not a big deal. By the time the elevator dinged and Felina contemplated on stubbornly waiting for her girlfriend by the elevator, she got a text from her twin who seemed very annoyed. Even his buzzing ringtone sounded upset and Felina would rather not have him in a bad mood when he met Lala so she continued on to meet him.

 It was pleasantries at first, Fox standing to greet his sister and Felina giving him a couple of pecks on his cheeks. The twins did look alike with the same facial structure; full, pouty lips, fair skin, emerald eyes, sculpted brows, and a permanent frown. The only difference was height, the length of hair, and that perhaps Fox looked way overdressed to which Felina commented on right away.

 “Do you like?” he asked, turning around to showcase his hard work. “It’s from my new line.”

 “You look like a peacock.”

 “That’s a compliment. They’re very pretty birds.”

 Felina was about to open her mouth to argue that Lala doesn’t even like birds when she blinked and shut her mouth so quickly, her teeth met together in an audible “clack”. Fox perked a delicate brow never have seen this expression on his sister before.

 “What is the matter?” he asked, accent rich and thick like he had just stepped off the plane from Italy. He might have though the last time she heard, Fox was in Paris.

 Felina shook her head while clearing her throat. She reached over for the back of her chair to pull out from under the table before looking over to ensure there was a seat next to her. So Fox did pay attention to her plus one. He questioned about it now, gesturing with a gloved hand at the empty seat.

 “You know, when you said you were bringing a date, I was going to assume it was someone special. I assumed right. You’ve brought your invisible boyfriend.”

 “Very funny,” Felina snapped her napkin that matched her tone. Her shoulders relaxed as she referred to her date. “she’s getting her phone and will meet with us soon.”

 “Ah,” Fox looked amused at the mention of her girlfriend since Felina had only dated men before; how strange. But he made no mention about it but just asked, “how long have you two been together?”

 “A while.”

 “I am not Angelo or Alessio.” Fox stated from across the table, gloved hands now coming to rest under his chin while his elbows supported him. “There is no need to be hostile with me.”

 She hadn’t realized she had been hostile but he was right. Felina corrected, “It’s been years, honestly. I’m not good with dates, you know that. Nine? Maybe?”

 “Does she get upset with you when you forget?” Fox laughed then, a gentle sound that was entirely deceptive to his venomous personality. Felina matched it with a good-natured chuckle before shaking her head.

 “Of course not, she’s the perfect girl.”

 “Nonsense,” he waved his hand. “I’ve seen the so-called perfect girl. Believe me, they are not perfect. You’re quite obviously in the honeymoon phase.”

 “For nine years?”

 “You are known to hyper focus, so that’s not unusual.”

 Felina pursed her lips to the side. Although he was right about her hyper-focusing, it didn’t mean that what she felt for Lala was the product of that or even affected aspects of their relationship. She was perfect because she was Lala. Fox just didn’t understand because he didn’t know her but he was about to. Just then, Felina’s stomach dipped and she glanced across the table to her brother. He had such ridiculously high standards and of course, being surrounded by super models all day, it wasn’t unusual that he claimed to have known perfect girls. Given the fact that Fox doesn’t even get into relationships, he probably gave up the thought of a perfect woman (or man, truthfully, Fox didn’t care) existing. But was it that easy? Did she really have nothing to worry about? Now this was starting to feel like a bad idea. Felina was beginning to wonder what the perk was to introducing Lala to her twin brother. Was it because twins were supposed to be closer than any of their other siblings? Of course, there is a link there as there were with any set of twins; they had shared a placenta. They grew up together and experienced a lot of the same things and when she thought about it, she could admit that she was supposedly closer to Fox than any of the other siblings she had lying around but it was weird because they weren’t close, either. They hadn’t spoken since they were eighteen and branched off to do their own things. Fox was a very busy entrepreneur with his own successful clothing line and Empire to run that there was no catching up for lunches like this.

 “Why the lunch date?” Felina asked then that it seemed to have caught Fox off-guard. He covered it up quickly, though. He sniffed daintily and took a moment to play with one of the table forks before moving his hovering index finger over one of the dessert forks.

 “I suppose I can tell you,” he quietly put. “I’ve run out of ideas.”

 “Eh?” Felina asked, tilting her head to the side. “You need a break?”

 “I need a new muse or something,” he expressed, sighing in that dramatic way he does. “This may be the latest outfit but as I was sitting there trying to design a new one, nothing came to mind. I know you know how that feels. I thought it might be good to surround myself with someone who knows failure instead of surrounding myself with people who only kiss my ass.”

 Felina’s expression went blank because under that sweet voice and the sorrowful way he was spilling his woes, he had just insulted her. But that was Fox and she certainly didn’t take it to heart. “I don’t struggle with it as much,” Felina confessed. “Mainly because I’m too busy with work to keep up with any of my old hobbies.” She muttered tinted with regret and a hint of bitterness. But a thought presented itself to the forefront of her mind where Lala allowed her a space to unwind and supported her creative hobbies. A smile spread across her features that she didn’t even realize until Fox mentioned it.

 “You don’t seem too bent out of shape about it.”

 “Oh,” Felina begun to shake her head. “no, I mean like…” she paused as she took in a deep breath. What could she say? “So, all you’ve got is a creator’s block of some sort. It happens. There’s a lot of ways to deal with that.”

 “Yes, yes,” Fox waved a hand, sounding impatient. “Just push through it. Give yourself a break and come back to it later. Approach the subject from another angle. I’ve read all of those. But nothing seems to work. Although a change of scenery is always fine. Truthfully, I stopped by here on my way back to Paris from Italy and had a whim to see you.”

 “Ah, so you were back home?” Fox nodded and Felina continued, “So, how is everyone out there?”

 “Noisy, as always. Ripley sends her regards meaning the next time she sees you, she is going to deck you.” Fox pulled up a fist and smacked it into his free hand before lifting an index finger. “Her words, not mine.”

 “She never lets go of a grudge, does she?” Rolling her eyes, Felina snapped her gaze to her phone noting the time. Five minutes later and Lala still isn’t around. She was starting to get worried.

 “Your girlfriend got caught up?” Fox asked, noting the worried look and the glance to her cellphone. Felina’s gaze lifted as she shrugged.

 “I’ll give it another three minutes before I’ll search for her.”

 “Why not call her?”

 Felina laughed, “If there’s one thing you should know about my girlfriend is that you never call her. She won’t pick up.” she paused, “Well, if she loves you, she will.” She grinned because it was obvious that Felina was the only one who could get away with calling her and getting an answer. “But yes, I’ll call her while I get up and search for her.”

 “Quite overprotective with her, aren’t you?” Fox said, sounding amused. “I’ve never seen you like this before.”

 “That’s because Lala isn’t not just anybody.”

 “Ah yes, the perfect woman.” Fox announced as he turned his wrist in a flourish. “How about an announcement over the intercom?”

 “That’ll be mortifying for her,” Felina shook her head though she looked a little amused. “No, I wouldn’t do that to her. Though I suppose I can turn on her GPS tracker…”

 “Oh lord, you track her?”

 “You would too!” Felina shot, quite defensively that Fox’s eyebrows rose and he couldn’t hold back the grin on his face.

 “Now, this just makes me curious about what sort of woman you have landed this happens to be.” The look of panic flashed across Felina’s face so fast but Fox managed to catch it. “Oh ho… how interesting.”

 “No, shut up. She’s boring.”

 “Well, that’s rude, I’m only right here.” Felina paled as she recognized the melodious voice that was only right behind her. The tone had been teasing and certainly caught Fox’s attention as his gaze slowly trailed up from where he was gleefully staring at his sister to meet hazel hues where his jaw literally dropped, stupefied in his seat. His mind went blank and his eyes widened. Perhaps the most miraculous thing was that his still heart curiously stirred in his chest so suddenly that it caused him pain where he emitted a distressed sound in surprise. His hand flew to his throat, still staring wide-eyed at this wondrous stranger at his sister’s back and Felina? Felina didn’t need the look on his face to confirm her fears but this didn’t mean anything, correct?

 Fox was convinced he was staring at a goddess. At once, a torrent of images flooded his mind; it was like a faucet had turned on and the handle had broken; the water gushing, spilling forth on a barren and dry land where it had been so desperately thirsty before.

 “It’s you,” he stated in a dazed-like manner as he stood up from his seat so suddenly, it tipped back. He ignored it and continued walking around the table to take hold of Lala’s hands. She looked extremely surprised; she can admit that she had her own tunneling problems when dealing with loved ones because all she had seen was the back of Felina’s head, she hadn’t taken into consideration that Felina’s twin was right across from her. She had been so focused on her girlfriend that Fox’s striking appearance caught her breath when she realized he was standing in front of her now, holding her hands. Her eyes flashed down to her girlfriend who seemed to be at a loss of her own words.

 “A-Ah, Lala, this is my brother Fox. Fox… this is m-my girlfriend, T-Talalelei.” Felina gave a shaky introduction though Lala was the one who was struggling to keep her legs from matching.

 “D-Dot or L-Lala is fine,” she offered to the seemingly star-struck twin. She gave Felina a questioning look that asked “what’s wrong with him???” to which Felina could only shrug before reaching out to touch her brother’s elbow.

 “Fox?”

 “Felina, you are entirely selfish.” Fox snapped now, head aimed down at Felina who was wide-eyed and speechless. “You knew I was suffering and you were withholding my muse all along.”

 “You mean my girlfriend?” Felina asked, a little irked with her brother’s stupid declaration once she realized he was just being dramatic again. He was the selfish one! She placed her hands over theirs, trying to separate them. “And how was I supposed to know? You just told me right now, you’re bone dry.” She finished, smacking and pinching the top of Fox’s hand when it was clear he was not going to let go.

 “Don’t word it like that, it sounds so vulgar.”

 “Bone dry, bone dry. Fox is bone dry.”

 “Stop it!”

 Lala was speechless herself, not trying to move her hands because she was caught in the middle of the bickering siblings. Fox was looking at her again like she was the second coming, or his salvation more accurately, that she couldn’t really look him in the face. It was strange; she could look in Felina’s face all the time but Felina’s twin? Perhaps it was that intense gaze? Or his soft hands? The way that he was pleading with her now, that he desperately needed her?

 “You’re causing a scene,” Felina grit through clenched teeth whilst looking around. She laughed nervously, “Sorry about that, he’s just… so happy to see her.” For whatever reason… she thought. She could finally pry Fox’s hands away from Lala’s when she reminded him that this lunch date was cutting into time Lala needed to eat. Those hands of his flew down to the small of her back, however, while the other reached for the chair to which he pulled next to his seat. Felina was staring at him like the nerve as Lala sat down next to him—she really didn’t have a choice with how pushy Fox was being and the turning of butterflies that erupted from her tummy every time he touched her was distracting enough that everything seemed to happen in a breeze and she was carried along like a leaf. He had his hand permanently placed on the small of her back now and it was all she was feeling, seated at the table and across from a baffled girlfriend who had the tables turned on her so quickly

. Felina understood and gave her a sympathetic look as well as a mouthed ‘sorry’ to which Lala waved away, still looking nervous.

 “I am absolutely appalled by this.” Fox spoke up first once the table could get situated. Although the situation was still weird as shit, Fox seated next to Felina’s girlfriend and Felina across the table, it really didn’t bother Felina as much as she thought she’d be bothered. That twin link thing must really be the reason, she had thought as Fox continued. “When you mentioned the perfect woman, I brushed it off. I had no idea you would have existed.”

 “Bet you feel like a big dumb dope now, huh?” Felina asked, grinning as she twirled her straw in her water. She ignored the look on Fox’s face to favor how Lala looked in this situation. If there was anything to take away from this conversation at the end of the day, it was the fact that Fox would be able to flustered Lala like this. She was a hard woman to get, too. The thought manifested on her face as those twinkling eyes stared over at Lala and Lala recognized this; her own expression pursed and words didn’t need to pass between them for Lala to convey that once they were home, Felina was going to get it twofold.

 Felina tried to ignore that, switching her gaze to her brother. “So, when are you going to give me my girlfriend back?”

 “Never, if I get my way.”

 Felina’s hand smacked against the table, forgetting where she was for a moment. Her temper flared and it was directed at her selfish brother. “Fox, I’m being serious.”

 Lala tried to interrupt, laughing nervously but still sounding like she was having a good time though she just arrived. “H-How about some lunch?” she asked.

 Immediately, the twins turned their gaze upon her, concerned. “Are you hungry?”

 Lala blinked, noting how similar they looked when they stared at her like that. It was touching in a way, especially coming from someone like Fox whom she had never met before. But she did look a touch embarrassed at the way their gaze never lifted; their undivided attention was seemingly smothering her and she tried her best to ignore it, reaching for a menu. “A-Aren’t you guys?”

 “I suppose I could eat, I did invite you out here anyway.” Fox said.

 Felina nodded in agreement, picking up her menu as well. She lifted it to peruse and once she decided on something, she glanced over at Lala to ask what she wanted to eat, she noticed that Fox was sharing a menu with her.

 “Seriously?!”

 “What?” he asked, almost innocently. Except he was never innocent. Never in his goddamned life. “I am absolutely smitten with your girlfriend, Felina.”

 “Well, that’d be troublesome for me if I weren’t too concerned with you heading back to Paris, what? Later this afternoon?”

 “Oh, I’ll call that off. Unless…” Fox trailed off to turn his attention to Lala who slowly turned to wonder why there was a pause. An ‘oh’ sounded in her head when she realized he was staring at her and the pause was to get her attention. “Unless you wanted to go along with me. Have you ever been to Paris?”

 “No because the French are smelly and gross,” Felina said from behind her menu seemingly forgetting about the danger her girlfriend was in. She was about to be snatched away or staring in the next Taken movie starring Fox and Lala. That would mean Felina had Liam Neeson’s role and the thought almost made her laugh out loud had it not been for Fox’s pressing look into hearing an answer from her and not from his sister. In fact, he seemed to have tuned her out for now.

 “N-No. I haven’t,” she cleared her throat to stop all that painful stammering. She reached for her glass of water, noting the way that Fox pushed it over for her with a finger and a sweet smile that would have made her knees buckle had she not been seated. “but it does seem like a nice place to visit someday.”

 “I will take you,” Fox declared like he was going to take her with him that afternoon. He probably would have if given his way.

 “Some other time,” Felina amended before Fox snorted.

 “Sure. Some other time.” Fox turned back to Lala with an impish grin. “When Felina is at work, perhaps.”

 “But I work too,” Lala said.

 “You can take some time off, can’t you?”

 “Hmm, I don’t know…” Lala said as if she were thinking it over. Truth be told, she was her own boss. But he didn’t need to know that.

 “What are you talking about?��� Felina asked, setting her menu back down as a rush of wind expelled from the gesture and fluttered their bangs. “Aren’t you your own boss?”

 Lala slowly exhaled and she could feel Fox’s gaze on her profile. If Felina would have looked (from the menu she kept playing with), she would have seen the look Lala was giving her. “Haha, yeah. She’s right. I’m my own boss.”

 “What a coincidence,” Fox enunciated the end of the word, a smirk curling his lips. “I am my own boss, as well. What does that mean? Surely something special, hm?”

 Lala was at a worse for words. She never would have imagined that her girlfriend’s brother would be hitting on her so blatantly in front of her girlfriend, his own sister.

 “Lala and I call that being soulmates.” Felina supplied.

 And Lala couldn’t really tell if her girlfriend was either helping her or working against her. In fact, Felina couldn’t really explain it herself, either. All she knew was that things were feeling alright; she wasn’t feeling the maddening jealousy she would feel if Lala were talking to anyone else and anyone else were foolish enough to flirt with her as openly as Fox was. But Fox was her brother.

 “Are you going back to Paris today or not?” Felina asked. Fox set aside a few seconds to painfully tear his gaze away from Lala’s profile he had been idolizing (much to her chagrin) to stare at his sister.

 “I may find it beneficial to stay here.” he sniffed. “I’m serious about losing my inspiration but…” he trailed off and he didn’t need to look at Lala for it to be obvious he meant her. “I think I’ve found it. So if it’s alright with you, let me stay at your place for a bit.”

 Felina immediately looked weary if not a little hesitant. “Well… I don’t live at the Estate anymore.” She divulged. “Lala and I actually live together.”

 Fox’s smile seemed calculating and truthfully, he probably accounted for the information. “After nine years, I would hope so.”

 Lala made a noise, looking over at Felina. “You did remember!”

 “Remember what?”

 “It’s our anniversary month!”

 Felina looked like a deer caught in headlights. “W-What, really?!”

 “Wonderful, your anniversary present to Lala can be your brother.”

 “I am going to leap over this table and beat your ass.”

 “Are you ready to order?” A voice interrupted the table; it must have looked a funny scene because Felina was half raised out of her seat, leaning over the table, and griping the front of Fox’s shirt while Lala looked on with wide eyes, having tried to move the glasses of water out of the way; Fox looked like he didn’t have a care in the world before all three set of eyes turned their attention to the waiter.

 “Uh, a few more minutes, sorry. Thanks.” Felina said, letting go of Fox. Her twin settled back in his seat and took out a pen and reached for one of the napkins that had been upset during the exchange.

 “In fact, come back in a few hours but also, bring out all of your appetizers.” He said earning looks from both Felina and Lala. Confused, yes, but Felina wasn’t unused to this behavior. Lala was new thought. She gestured at her brother.

 “He’s going to start working now; if you want to go home, we can.”

 “No!” Fox declared, placing a hand over Lala’s. “She cannot leave. She is the reason I can even work right now. You may go, however.”

 “I am not leaving my girlfriend alone with you.”

 “You’re going to have to use the bathroom sometime.”

 “Then I’ll take Lala with me.”

 “I’ll join you.”

 Felina’s mouth opened and closed. Fox has a heavy preference for using the women’s bathroom that it’s just normal for him to go in therefore it’s not a big deal him following them in there. It just irked her.

 “Fine!” she turned towards the waiter, still holding his pen up and looking really troubled and worried. “Bring all the appetizers. And then your most expensive dinners. Three plates. Then your most expensive desserts. This is going on his card so one check as well.”

 “You eat almost as much as Ripley now. Have I really been away that long?”

 “THAT—“ Felina sputtered before Lala giggled into her hand and asked.

 “Who’s Ripley?”

 “Our sister.” Felina sighed.

 “Elder sister,” Fox amended.

 “You’re going to hate her.” Of course, Felina had no way of knowing how well Lala might mesh with any of the other Frenzy family members but if it was going as good as this one was, well… there were a whole set of problems she would have to worry about instead of Fox staying with them for a couple of days. The irritating clicking of a pen caught her attention before she snapped.

 “That’s starting to get annoying.”

[sarahburness]

How I Stopped Trying to Please Everyone and Started Prioritizing Myself

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you don’t say ‘no’ to yourself.” ~Paolo Coehlo

My whole body was shaking. Tears streaming down my face, my nose blocked and throat sore from crying. Yet, no sound escaped my mouth except an occasional gentle sigh or hushed sob I was unable to control.

My husband was lying in bed next to me. I held my breath and lay motionless whenever he stirred in his sleep.

He had an early start ahead and needed rest. I didn’t want to disturb him, bother him with my silly crying fits. I didn’t want him to know that I was unhappy.

He wouldn’t understand, I didn’t even understand myself. I had a good life. A loving family, caring friends, a promising career I enjoyed.

I should have been happy, fulfilled, grateful for the blessings in my life. But instead I felt numb, empty, lifeless, as if a grey veil was covering every part of my being. And the crushing wave of desperation washed over me night after night.

Because the nighttime tears were my only release. I drowned in overwhelm, stress, and exhaustion. I was so tired.

Drained and worn out by the myriad of tasks every new day had in store. Weighed down by tons of work projects, household chores, family demands, and favors. Broken from being kind, loyal, considerate, caring, and hardworking for others, non-stop.

I never had time to rest and relax. I couldn’t even remember when I last read a novel, walked on the beach, or followed my passions. And I had pushed my dreams to the back burner so many times that they lost all their pull and sparkle.

I was trapped in an endless loop of “work, eat, cry, sleep,” and I couldn’t escape. Too many people relied on me, depended on my help, and counted on my support.

I couldn’t let them down. They would be upset, displeased, maybe even angry. And they would be disappointed if they discovered the truth: that I wasn’t strong enough to cope with it all, that I was a failure.

That night, as I secretly cried in my pillow, I realized that I was on the fast lane to burnout. I couldn’t go on like this without killing myself. And I knew something had to change.

The Impossible Task of Relaxation

In the following days, I attempted to take time out for myself—do things I enjoyed, pursue my hobbies, have a well-deserved nap.

But my diary was too full, bursting with appointments, events, and meetings. My boss expected me to take on yet another project, my work colleagues asked for support with their problems, my friends needed help with wedding preparations, house moves, and child care. My charity volunteering position as a treasurer of a local cat shelter demanded constant attention, and the household suffered in silence even without me taking a break.

And how could I not put my family first in everything I did? I was their wife, sister, daughter, and mother. I loved them, was responsible for them, and wanted them to be happy and healthy.

But sometimes I struggled to find the motivation, energy, and strength to get out of bed. And nobody noticed; nobody offered help or support. They took for granted that I would get it all done. They didn’t realize that I hated myself for being too weak to juggle it all.

I felt overburdened, resentful, abused, and irritated. Why did they all take advantage of my good nature? Why did they not see how exhausted I was, how their demands swallowed my life?

How could they do this to me? I knew nothing back then.

The True Problem of the Ever Helpful, Chronically Selfless, and Desperately Exhausted

I spent several weeks angry and resentful. People around me wondered why I was so unbalanced, upset, and grumpy.

They had no idea that I was suffering because of their unrealistically high demands and expectations. That they were selfish, mean, and inconsiderate for shifting their burdens on to me. At least that’s what I thought.

But then they started to ask whether something was wrong, whether I needed to talk about it, and what they could do to help. “Just holler,” they said. “Anything you need, any time, we are there for you, okay?”

I was gobsmacked. I had convinced myself that they didn’t care, that they were taking me for granted and considered me their personal property.

But the truth was that I had kept my suffering a secret. I never told them that I was stressed and exhausted; I never said “no” if they asked me for yet another favor. They didn’t know that it was all too much, that I wasn’t coping.

They weren’t malicious, exploitative, or taking advantage. But they saw me smile, heard me say that “I was fine,” and were used to me helping out without a second thought.

I had fooled them all those years with my happy face and bubbly spirit. So I could help, support, save and rescue. So they could be grateful and I could feel useful, valuable and appreciated.

There was no way around it: I was a people pleaser. I needed the praise, recognition, and gratitude of others to feel worthwhile. I was addicted to serving others.

And I was hurting myself in more ways than I realized.

6 Compelling Reasons to Break the People-Pleasing Addiction

I knew that my people pleasing compulsion left me exhausted and drained of energy and joy. But only when I examined my predicament more deeply did I recognize the devastating impact it had on my life:

I lost myself.

Because I was so desperate to please others, I not only did what they expected from me, I also was who I thought they wanted me to be. I assimilated their interests, behaved according to their preferences, and kept my opinions to myself. My true self was buried under an enormous pile of adaptation and lies in the hope to please others.

I felt unloved.

I was always ready to help others but, when I needed support, I felt that nobody cared. They were taking from me without any intention to give back. Many of my friends back then only contacted me when they had a problem but seemed to forget about me when things were going well. Simply because they weren’t used to me asking for anything in return.

I created co-dependencies.

Many of my relationships relied on me giving and the other person receiving. I depended on the service to get my fix of appreciation and recognition. The others depended on me for my help and support. And I was never sure whether the relationships were based on affection or co-dependence.

I was vulnerable.

Because of my overwhelming desire for acknowledgement and appreciation, I would have done anything to please others. Looking back now, I understand how vulnerable this made me. How easily somebody could have abused me, forced me to do things to “make them happy.” I was lucky, but others might not be.

I damaged my health.

Because I was hard-wired to please others, I ignored my body when it screamed for rest. I couldn’t stay in bed if I had promised others my help or my company. I couldn’t live with myself if I let them down. So I ploughed through the exhaustion and drained my immune system until I seemed to have colds, coughs, and flus non-stop.

I beat myself up.

And when I was lying in bed with a high fever I still beat myself up for disappointing others. I felt down and upset because I was a useless inconvenience. I was horrified my family and friends would get sick of me if I bothered them too much and needed help. And I wondered how I could justify my existence if I got seriously ill or too old and frail to please everybody all the time.

As I saw the damage my people pleasing caused in my life, I knew it had to stop. I had to break my addiction this time. I would finally learn to say “no.”

But it was far more difficult than I imagined.

The Real Motivation of a People Pleaser

After the shocking realization of the true consequences, I was mindful of my people pleasing tendencies. I was determined to prioritize myself.

But, while my body cried out for a rest, I felt lazy every time I settled down for a nap. I felt selfish when I indulged in a hobby and inadequate if I didn’t give 400 percent in everything I did.

Whenever I attempted to do something for myself, rest, or say “no,” I was gripped by crippling guilt. It spread through my body, stinging in my chest, choking my breath, and weighing on my heart.

My mind was racing with all the tasks I should do, all the chores I ought to complete, and all the support I was supposed to provide.

Instead of enjoying my me-time, I beat myself up for not focusing on more pressing matters. Instead of deriving pleasure from my hobbies, I punished myself for letting others down. Instead of recharging vital energy, I condemned myself for not cleaning the bathroom.

The guilt sucked all the joy out of my life and left me in an unbearable state of self-punishment, self-loathing, and self-condemnation. It seemed like I had only two options in my life: be miserable because of overwhelm, or be unhappy because of guilt. And none of these choices was acceptable.

But why could I not prioritize myself? Why did I feel so guilty?

The Tragic Reason Why We Sacrifice Ourselves to Please Others

As I contemplated these crucial questions, I soon discovered that all my problems were caused by lack of self-worth.

I was pleasing others because I believed that I wasn’t good enough for their friendship, respect, and attention. I didn’t deserve their love.

I was convinced that others only tolerated me as long as I was useful, contributed my share, and proved my worth. I was terrified that they would abandon me if I didn’t comply, disappointed them, or ever dared to say “no.”

Low self-worth caused fear of rejection. And fear of rejection produced guilt. An all-consuming pressure to do more, be better, and try harder if I wanted to maintain my relationships and keep my job.

So pleasing others became an addiction. A compulsive overcompensation for my lack of self-worth and self-love. With guilt overpowering me every time I withdrew from my self-invalidation and chose to prioritize myself.

I was burning myself out, sacrificing my life for others. Not because they demanded it but because I was convinced it was necessary to be accepted. Because I thought I had nothing to offer but my tireless service, commitment, and dedication.

Because, deep down, I believed I was unacceptable, unlovable. Worthless.

I knew that I had to say “no” to others if I wanted to prioritize myself. Yet, I never could. At least not without feeling like a nasty, unhelpful, selfish bastard.

Yes, I could force myself to say “no.” But afterward, I would plummet into a turbulent sea of unhappiness, guilt, and self-punishment. It wasn’t the way out.

Because my people pleasing addiction wasn’t the real problem, it was merely a symptom. If I wanted to learn to prioritize myself without suffering I had to treat the root cause. I had to heal my low self-worth.

Learning to Prioritize Yourself

I grew up believing that our worth is defined by our achievements, our usefulness to others and society. That we are inherently worthless but can earn worthiness by gaining qualifications, wealth, popularity, and success. And that we are only deserving of love and friendship if we sacrifice ourselves to please others.

But I was wrong because the truth is that we are worth personified. Worth isn’t the result of our actions, accomplishments, and possessions; it isn’t increased by self-sacrifice. It is the essence of our being, the foundation of our existence.

And it is our task to remember. To let go of our society’s misunderstanding and wake up to the exquisite value and deservedness that is inherent to all of us. To realize our infinite worth that does not depend on any outside factors.

We are worth. And as long as we treat others with respect and kindness we will always be good enough to deserve their love—without sacrificing our happiness, damaging our bodies, and betraying our values.

I must have repeated “I am worth” a million times. I affirmed it twenty times a day, told myself when I felt guilty for putting myself first. And I assured myself when I finally told my colleagues, family, and friends that I was stressed and exhausted, that I couldn’t go on like this, that I needed time for myself.

And they understood. All those years I was horrified they would leave me if I didn’t cater to all their needs. But they knew my true worth better than I did.

They cared for me, not for the tasks and favors I did for them. They respected my needs. And, after a while, I managed to prioritize myself.

I now have time to pursue my dreams, give my body the rest it needs, and read a book in the sun. Without guilt or fear of rejection.

I still enjoy helping and supporting others, granting favors, and doing my best at work. But my motivation has changed. I no longer do it because I am terrified of negative consequences.

I do it because it makes me happy. And I now know that I deserve happiness. I deserve love, rest and time for myself. Because I am worth.

And so are you.

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About Berni Sewell

Dr Berni Sewell, PhD is a health scientist, energy healer and self-worth blogger. She is on a mission to make you feel good about yourself, no matter what. Download her free guide “Instant self-worth: an easy 4-step solution to heal your self-worth in under 5 minutes a day” and start to boost your confidence today.

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The post How I Stopped Trying to Please Everyone and Started Prioritizing Myself appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

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