#because at the end of the day. it's a story about messy mental health. that mess looks different for everyone

[sainteclectic]

the thing that's vital to understand about cccc is that they have reasons for what they do. but also, and this is important, they all kinda suck

mind is doing what he believes is best for them. he wants to be the perfect solution to every problem. he's also arrogant and incredibly petty, gloating and bitching every chance he gets about how much better he is than heart. he pretends his own feelings are just logical conclusions, while also devaluing other people's feelings. he sucks!

heart was never listened to by mind. he knows he's "weak and vile" but believes (rightfully!) that emotions are needed to survive. he also literally shot someone, refuses to admit that literally shooting someone is bad, and stubbornly both complains he's not listened to and never listens to anyone else. he sucks!

soul is exhausted. he's gone through this countless times, enduring the same arguments over and over. he just wants it to stop. so, he exerts as much power as he can over the two of them and threatens their lives. he's simultaneously both the most in control (of the three) and powerless (in the narrative), and he tries to control the other two for his own ends (even if those ends are ultimately good for them all). he sucks!

the story of cccc is ultimately about guys who kinda fucking sucks for their own reasons. the story is about the raw, unsanitized experience of mental illness. of course they're all deeply fucked up! removing their flaws is just re-sanitizing the purposeful mess that is the album and its characters

[borathae]

The Consequences of Fucking Up

“Your break up was messy and painful. All you want to do is to forget about him. His friends, who ever since you ended it with Yoongi see you as their bullying target, make sure that the memory of him stays fresh in your mind however, haunting you day by fucking day. While Yoongi makes it seem as if he gives no fuck about your situation. Until one night he is in front of your door. Drunk and fucking regretful.”

♥️ Requested by anonie ♥️

Pairing: Gangster!Yoongi x f.Reader

Genre: Exes!AU, Messy Break-Up!AU, Crime!AU, Cop!AU, Hurt and Comfort, Angst, Smut, a lil bit of Fluff

Wordcount: 15.9k

Warnings: lowkey they're bad for each other, but also somehow so right?, OC is such a people hater, I feel like she has mental health issues which are never addressed tbfh, she is quite the pessimist, unhealthy consumption of alcohol, smoking of cigarettes & weed (listen. i hate smoking and stand by that but it sadly fits their characters), Yoongi is kinda apathetic and cold, or is he??, IS HE???, implied violence and murder, corrupt cops & lawyers, policeman!Jungkook makes an appearance and he stole my heart tbfh :(, he is so cute that i almost sobbed, drugdealer!Hoseok makes an appearance too, there is also detective!Namjoon and smuggler!Taehyung because I love this vibe :); abuse of power, fuck Yoongi just fuck he is so ngngn, slightly protective & possessive!Yoongi, intoxicated sex, desperate!Yoongi, no foreplay, but she is not uncomfortable, choking (m.receiving), rough desperate sex, position change from sex against a sofa to missionary on said sofa, a lil bit of strength kink hihi, he cums too soon, dirty talk, tears :'), he is actually so emotional during the sex, the ending is so cheesy and cute <3, Spoiler: he is willing to change!! and he is a cutie actually, jsjsjsj sorry but i love yoongi a lot :(

Disclaimer: This is purely fiction and isn't like my usual stories. It does not portray how the boys actually are and it is not how I see them. This is a work of fiction with no correlation to real life. The type of relationships depicted in this story are far from how I normally portray my relationships and I do not advertise for such relationhips or staying in such relationships. This story is supposed to be twisted and dark & so are the relationships in it, as well as the characters. You have been warned. If you decide to continue reading, then it is out of your own free will.

a/n: now that the disclaimer is out of the way i can officially bark because woof woof fuckkcc anonie thank you so much for this idea. i had the worst and best time writing this story like nfnfnf her mental state was definitely very difficult to write, but their tension just got to me. i made the ending as cute and fluffy as possible just as you wanted hihi <3 also i love villian characters who would set the whole world on fire just to prove their dedication :) i hope this is what you imagined, because i kinda made it longer and with more plot than i planned to at first sjjsjs i couldn't be stopped jsjsj ALSO this is giving me the perfect opportunity to finally write a Kook request I got years ago ohoho

Yoongi collides with the wall, feeling the cold nuzzle of the gun press against his chin. He drops the keys and flowers he was carrying, lifting his hands in defeat.

“Careful, it’s just me”, he lulls.

“Get the fuck out of my house”, you spit, carrying murder in your eyes. 

Three months prior

“So you’re breaking up with me?” he asks, gawking at you with widened eyes. He looks more surprised than he does hurt. Probably because it hasn’t actually sunk in yet.

“I am.”

“No, you’re not.” He laughs because he never takes anything seriously.

“Yes. I am.”

“Too bad, I won’t act like it.”

“Yeah, you will.”

He laughs, “you’ve had better jokes, but I still admire the commitment.”

“You see. That’s the problem with you. Everything’s a fucking joke to you.”

He is smiling. It reaches his eyes.

“Your job, your men. Me. Everything’s a fucking joke to you. If you would have taken Sukuna’s thread seriously, Soojin would still be alive. If you didn’t fucking insult Miss Mei, you wouldn’t have lost twenty thousand in drugs and you wouldn’t have to fucking kiss asses like a beggar.”

His smile doesn’t reach his eyes anymore.

“If you would have put any kind of effort into me, I wouldn’t be leaving now. You take everything as a joke, while in reality you are the biggest joke here.”

His smile falls. You stood up and that actually scared him. 

“Wait baby, wait. Princess, we can talk about this”, he argues, closing the distance with his arms stretched open. “I’ll fix the issue with Miss Mei, I promise.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m done talking. Soojin died because of your recklessness.” 

Yoongi touches your hands. He holds them, clutches them. You have never felt such a touch from him before. As if he actually loved you. 

“What can I do? Tell me and I’ll do it”, he offers, caressing your knuckles. 

This is what you craved for months. Affection. Attention. You were always a passing thought to him. Something to fuck and possess. Something low maintenance like all his other shit. His current touch almost makes you want to stay because for the briefest moment, your breaking heart wants to believe that he finally changed. 

But you know better. He doesn’t take you seriously and if you stay, you will one day end up like Soojin. Metaphorically or not, you will end up dead because of him. 

“There is nothing you can do. Sorry.”

You slip out of his touch.

“Baby”, Yoongi follows you with panicked eyes, trying to touch you again.

“Goodbye, Min Yoongi.”

“Please don’t leave me.”

You close the door and run, finally letting the tears escape. 

You love him.

You always have and perhaps always will. 

You don’t want to leave, but know that staying will kill you. 

One week passes. You spent it holed up in your small, shitty apartment, crying your heart out. Yoongi was the best and worst thing that ever happened to you and you miss him. You hate that you miss him. Because he was way worse than he was good. 

He was never abusive. He was a violent man to anyone but you. You, he always touched with utmost care. At you, he never screamed. But he was still not good. He was cold and apathetic at times, then terribly affectionate at others, only to become cold again. And you couldn’t take it anymore. 

You wouldn’t have left your apartment today if your fridge hadn’t been empty. It wasn’t always empty, but sadly enough, groceries don’t magically appear. Not even for an outlaw such as yourself.

The city is busy. The smell of street food, smog and body odor poisons the air. The weather is hot these days and people started sweating more. You can’t stand people. You pull the mask tighter around your nose, hoping to shield the stench this way. 

You greet the clerk when you enter the shop, lowering your mask. It smells of grocery store in here. Fresh bread, produce and clean floors. It’s a welcome change to the rancid outside.

You spent fourty minutes in the shop and pay with cash. You never pay with card because it can be traced. Someone like you can’t risk being found. 

“See you”, you say your goodbyes and leave the store. You plan on coming back in three weeks. You can’t stand being outside often.

The door just about closed behind you and then someone jumps you. Three people to be more exact. Two hold your arms while one rips the bags out of your hands. 

“Let go! Hey, you fuckers!” you fight them off instantly, surprised at how easily it is to do. Way too easy. They let go of you as quickly as they grabbed you. At first you think that nothing happened, until you notice your grocery bags in one of the guys’ hands. They stole your stuff!

“You motherfuckers! Get back here! They’re mine!” 

They run away, flipping you off over their shoulders.

You sprint after them, but before you reach them, they jump onto a tuk tuk and drive off, finally showing you their faces. Those were some of Yoongi’s underlings.

“What the fuck?” You stumble back in disbelief. “Did they fucking steal my food? What the fuck’s happening?” 

It takes you a while before you finally come to the conclusion that you have to buy everything they stole a second time. And you do. And nobody jumps you. And you go home, make yourself shitty dinner and drink a bottle of soju all by yourself. It isn’t a good night. It’s a shit night. But then. All your nights have been shit for years.

You met Yoongi four years ago. It correlates with when your shit nights began. Okay, you are being unfair. The first two years with him were paradise and your nights were wonderful. You were an aspiring lawyer, while he was in the midst of getting a promotion to superintendent.  You supported each other’s dreams, motivated each other and celebrated when your goals were achieved. Then the truth spilled out. The man you knew to love turned out to be a lie. Why you never left, you do not know. He gave you the chance to leave, but you didn’t. You made yourself low maintenance to him and your nights became shit. He pretended to be a proper policeman by day while you pretended to be a proper lawyer and at night he became what he hunted by day while you tried to hide whatever evidence about him flooded into the offices. You hated it at first, then loved it, then lost your job because of it and became dependent on him and started to hate it again. Well, at least working for him. You liked everything else. Having to work in the system and seeing how corrupt even the most eligible politicians or CEOs truly are, made you realise that perhaps stealing from them isn’t as bad as it first sounded. You liked being on the dark side of the law because the bright side was just as twisted. You just simply started to hate that it means being close to Yoongi.

It took Soojin’s death to finally make you realise that staying with him will end in your death as well. And so you finally left.

You will start a new life, make up a new identity, move to a different country and forget about him. Maybe. Who knows. You haven’t decided yet.

A letter comes five days after the grocery store incident. It is stuffed into an unsealed envelope and clearly delivered by the person who wrote it. You open it, feeling shit instantly. Whoever wrote this letter is calling you the most hurtful of names, telling you personal stuff which truly hurts. You throw it away and go back inside, opening a bottle of soju. It wasn’t Yoongi’s handwriting, but somehow you still think that it is connected to him. You try not to let it get to you, but you still end up rotting away in your bed for the rest of the week only leaving it to piss, shit and eat. 

The next week your packages are missing. You never get them back. The culprit is never found. You curse the sky, knowing that it was fruitless. Yet again, you think that it was connected to him. To Yoongi, the man you wanted to forget, but who keeps haunting you day by day.

The city at night is a dangerous place. If you don’t know where to walk, you could find yourself in a rather messy situation. Especially as a woman. You are glad that most women are clever enough to stay at home once darkness greets the streets. Most women don’t know how to defend themselves though. Properly and without the law in mind. You killed before. Once. It was self defence. Yoongi took care of the body, you never found out what happened to it. He stayed with you the night it happened, even let you cry in his arms. He was gone the next day and never spoke of it again.

You clutch the big knife tightly in your bag, scanning the streets constantly. It isn’t far anymore until you are home. Hopefully the heavy rain clouds stay dry until you get there. You aren’t in the mood to get wet. Not tonight. You would have never left if you hadn’t ran out of fucking cigarettes. The kiosk was closed, so the journey was useless. Thunder announces that the clouds aren’t your friends. Mere seconds later, it starts pouring.

“Fucking shit, I hate this city.”

Rain in this city is always dirty and never really cold. You take it as a bad sign. Rain shouldn’t be warm. Not always, not constantly. Something’s wrong with this city. Something is rotting slowly until one day it will consume everything in its wake. You hope to have left before it can wake up.

The way home is too long for the amount of dirty rain it pours. You find refuge under a shop sign. There are no rooftops or canopies in sight and the only thing close to a safe place was the stupid restaurant sign. Authentic Asian Beef Noodles, it reads in bright red letters. The place is stuffed with people and the smell of beef broth mixes with the dirty scent of rain. You grind your teeth. What a shitty situation you find yourself in. You prefer being outside though. You know that once inside, the restaurant would be hot and stink of digested booze and body odor. You take getting wet over breathing in people’s air.

Except that you don’t really stay wet for long. The distinct sound of rain hitting an umbrella meets your ears. You look up. Black. You look to the side at the person holding it. Yoongi. Your stomach twists, your heart skips a beat. He is wearing a suit tonight. Black with a black tie. His hair is slicked back. He used makeup to  conceal the scar running all the way from his forehead over his eye and down half his cheek. This is his work outfit. His police chief outfit. Yes. He is a chief these days.

Your instincts tell you to leave without saying anything, but it’s been six weeks since the breakup and you still love him. You hate that you do, but can’t stop staring at his face. He has his brows raised in a nonchalant way as he inspects the heavy rain. He doesn’t grant you eye contact, but holds the umbrella in a way which lets you know that he came out here after seeing you. His left shoulder is getting wet, while you stay dry completely.

“What are you doing here?” you hear yourself ask him.

“Work dinner. I have to pay ‘cause I’m the boss and all that shit. They’re eating like greedy pigs”, he scoffs, “fucking assholes.”

“I see.”

“You?” 

“Buying smokes.”

He finally looks at you, studying from head to toe.

“The kiosk was closed”, you answer his question about your cigarettes’ whereabouts before he can ask it.

“I thought you quit.”

“Some things happened which made me start again.”

“Mhm”, he hums and takes out a packet of cigarettes from the inside of his suit jacket. He lights himself one and puts the packet away again, leaving you to stare at the smoke he blows out through his nose.

He isn’t actually serious, is he? It is like he is mocking you. It is already bad enough that he sends his stupid goons to terrorise you, now he is mocking you as well? You hate that you still love him.

You stay like this for a while. You staring at him while he holds the umbrella for you and smokes. You don’t know why you stay. You hate that you love him. You hate it so much.

Yoongi takes a long drag of the cigarette and exhales the smoke in an almost sigh-like breath. He lifts the cigarette, holding it closer to you.

“What?” you sound disbelieved, scandalised even.

He doesn’t say anything. He just shows you the cigarette as his eyes follow the endless rain. You hate that you love him. You hate it so much. But you still take the cigarette and put your lips right where he had his’ moments before. But you still smoke it as if it was the most normal thing to do. Because it once was. You and he shared many smokes in the past. It was once the most sensual, erotic thing to do between you and him. Barely clothed, intoxicated minds and high on the other, you often shared a joint as you got each other off. Fuck, it was always so fucking orgasmic to be with him that way.

“Wanna grab a bite?” he offers, pointing at the restaurant behind him, “one more mouth to feed isn’t gonna ruin me.”

You are hungry. You haven’t had a proper meal in weeks. Instant ramen, frozen food and snacks is all your body has to run on. You have no energy to cook and with how shitty you eat, it is a vicious cycle. Shitty food gives little energy, you already have low energy. The motivation to properly cook grows lower and lower each day. You dread the day you have only enough energy left to open a package of chips and eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

“I’m not hungry.”

He glances at you. He knows that you are lying. Your eyes have greyed in starvation. He almost rips the cigarette out of your fingers and smokes it angrily, huffing out the smoke. 

“I’m offering”, he hisses.

“And I’m declining. I can take care of myself”, you throw back and rip the cigarette from his grasp to smoke it angrily. 

You may be starving, but you will be damned if you make yourself dependent on him again. You left him to finally prove to yourself that you can take care of yourself. You don’t need his help. Not anymore. 

You take another deep drag, then hand the cigarette to him. He smokes it, glaring at you. You know that your stubbornness angers him.

“Tell your men to stop pestering me”, you say into the tense silence. 

He looks over his shoulder at his police team. They are too drunk and caught in conversation to pay their boss any mind.

“They’re inside”, he says.

“You know I don’t mean them. Tell your other men to stop annoying me.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yes. You do.” It is your turn to smoke. “It all started when they stole my groceries, but it’s been getting childish. My packages keep getting stolen, my internet cuts off, I find letters in my mail. Letters saying awful things about me. It’s getting ridiculous. Tell your men to stop terrorising me.”

“Stolen packages?” He takes the cigarette from you, brushing his fingers against yours as he does. The touch feels like the sweetest poison on your skin. “This doesn’t sound like my problem to solve. Go to the police.”

“Are you serious?” 

He inhales, exhales the smoke into your face. You should be disgusted by it, but almost huff it in like an addict. Yoongi watches your lids lower and your chest raise in a greedy breath, finding it hard not to stare at your lips as he hands you the cigarette. You smoke it. His eyes are still on your lips, glued to the shape of them as his throat runs dry.

“Very serious”, he rasps.

“You are the police”, you throw back in disbelief, exhaling the smoke into his face that way.

“Mhm yeah, I guess I am.” He takes the cigarette, smoking it with half lidded eyes. He exhales, handing you the cigarette. “When are you going to come home again?” he asks, looking back at the rain.

You almost choke on the smoke, exhaling it in a cough. Yoongi glances at you from the corner of his eyes.

“Your farce is getting ridiculous”, he says coldly.

“My farce?”

This break up wasn’t the first break up you and he went through. You left many times before, always thinking that you were finally strong enough to forget him only to come crawling back again. You don’t blame him for doubting that this time will be different, but you still can’t stop yourself from getting angry.

“Did you even hear what I said?”

“I did. Go to the police. I have nothing to do with it.”

You drop the half-finished cigarette. It dies in the puddle on the ground.

“I was smoking this”, he says dryly, “besides, don’t litter.”

“Pick it up yourself if you care so much about these dirty ass streets”, you spit and turn to leave. You take getting wet over being with him any longer.

Yoongi watches you leave, shakes his head in disbelief and bends down to pick up the cigarette. He won’t run after you because you will come crawling back eventually. You always do.

“Sir?” 

He turns his head. One of his officers. He is young and with sparkles of big dreams in his eyes. Yoongi pities him. This city is going to chew him up until there is nothing left of him. He had the same dreams once and knows what the viper nest, which is the justice system, is going to do to him. 

“What do you want?” he asks him dryly, rolling the wet cigarette between his fingers.

“Who did you talk to right now?”

“Just someone important to me.”

“Shouldn’t we escort her home? It’s raining and there could be criminals on the streets. It’s too dangerous for a woman to be alone.”

“She’ll get home safely.”

“Are you sure, Sir? I stayed sober for cases like these. I could get the car right away.”

“You’re sober?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“But it’s a work dinner. You’ve been off work for hours.”

The young officer salutes, “I know, Sir but a policeman shouldn’t slack, Sir.”

Yoongi feels deep pity for the young man. He is so motivated, so proper and full of good spirit. Waking up is going to hurt like a bitch for him.

He pats him on the shoulder.

“You’re a good person, Jeon”, he says and swerves past him to get back inside. 

The young officer follows him with pride glimmering in his innocent eyes. Yes, waking up is going to hurt like a bitch for him. 

Yoongi wasn’t always living two lives. He was like his young officer once. Full of dreams and motivation. He dreamed of using his powers to do good, to help those who needed it most and then he woke up. He watched politicians and men in power ruin, rape and kill the powerless without ever getting punished for it. He felt helpless. If even someone in his position can’t change the world, then who will? His criminal work was honourable once. He slipped evidence money under the table to hand out to the powerless, he let proof disappear for people doing crimes out of desperation. One time he was supposed to put a starving mother behind bars because she stole diapers for her babies. Yoongi couldn’t do it and so he disobeyed the law for these kinds of people.

But then his criminal work became less about the powerless and more about him. Making money the illegal way was easy and it is fucking addicting. Especially when he could make sure that evidence about him never reached the higher ups. Yoongi fucking loved the sudden power he possessed and he was too blinded by it to see that he became exactly what drove him to criminality in the first place.

Yoongi tells his officer to check up on your place that night. The young officer rings the doorbell like he was told to do.

You open it, swaying from intoxication as you do. The stench of digested booze wafts off you. But you somehow seem to sober up when you see the police badges on his shirt.

“You’ve got the wrong person”, you tell him, trying to morph your face into an expression of sobriety.

“Don’t worry, Miss. I came here to check on you.”

“Check on me?”

“Yes, Miss.” He salutes you. “I have orders from my captain to make sure that you arrived home safely and that you received this”, he says with an innocent smile on his lips, presenting a plastic bag to you. 

Authentic Asian Beef Noodles, it reads in red letters and inside, three big takeout containers of food are waiting to be eaten. 

Everything clicks into place. This is one of Yoongi’s employees. Another young, hopeful spirit which will be crushed in the system. You pity the young officer. You had the same innocent sparkle in your eyes once.

Hesitantly, you accept the takeout food.

“Thanks”, you mumble.

“Any time, Miss.” He studies you for a moment. “Are you…are you okay, Miss?”

You bite back tears. His empathy is going to kill him one day. But it feels so good to receive. You haven’t been asked this question in so long.

You shake your head. He straightens up in worry. 

“Should I call help for you, Miss?”

You know what he indicates.

“Thank you, no. I’m just going through some shit. Sorry, I’m being sappy tonight.”

“You don’t have to go through it alone, Miss.”

“I know. I’m just… I’m seriously alright, I won’t do anything stupid. You don’t have to worry, officer.” 

“Yes, well I still see it as my duty to stay because you seem sad to me”, he says and tries to go inside your apartment. He still has a lot to learn. You know from his eyes that he has no bad intentions and that he truly wants to help, but you know how the city will treat such deeds. One day he will try to help the wrong person and end up with attempted sexual assault charges. And it will fucking destroy him because people like him only see the good in the world and can’t imagine that others would want to hurt people.

You stop him with a guiding hand on his chest.

“That isn’t necessary, really. My packages keep getting stolen and I guess it’s been annoying me.”

He pulls out a pen paper instantly, stepping closer to you without noticing, “your packages? Have you seen anyone suspicious? How many packages have gone missing? When did it start?”

“No, I… Thank you for your concern and the food, but I will get through the night safely.”

He steps back, cheeks reddened in embarrassment.

“Forgive me, I don’t know why I did that. My captain said that you were important to him and that I should make sure that you are well, so I wanted to do a good job at it.” He bows at you deeply. “Please forgive me, Miss.” 

“He said that?” you whisper.

He nods his head, “yes, Miss.”

“Oh. Uhm. ” You clear your throat. “Thank you, I, uhm, tell him that I’m good.” 

“I will, Miss. Here, my card. You can always call me when you need something” he hesitates, “or when you just need someone to talk to.” 

“Thank you. This is so kind.”

“You are never alone, Miss.”

“Thank you”, you say, bowing at him. He is so kind. God, you want to grab him and tell him to run before it’s too late.

He bows as well, “good night, Miss.”

“Good night.”

You watch him leave. He gives you one last look out of the police car and a kind wave, then drives off. 

You close the door with a curse. This just sobered you up. The young policeman’s kindness just sobered you up. You check his name on the card he handed you. Jeon Jungkook. Why someone like him? He never should have found his way into this field of work. 

You look at the takeout food next, feeling your stomach twist. You are important to Yoongi. Holy fuck.

It’s been eight weeks since you left him. You don’t feel better. The cigarette you shared was two weeks ago and yet you still feel as if it was sticking to your lungs. Each time you breathe out, you swear you can taste him. It almost suffocates you and keeps you from relaxing. So you leave your depressing place for a walk to the kiosk. You read somewhere that walks are good for one’s mental health. You can’t agree. Walks force you to be outside where people are loud and fucking stink.

The vendor must be fucking with you. The day is bright, but the kiosk is closed again. You bang your fist against the closed door, cursing loudly. You want your fucking smokes is that too much to ask? This city is fucking shit.

You’ll just call someone who will always help. You saved him as Jay. His real name is Hoseok. You don’t say his real name in public. He doesn’t say yours. Yoongi sometimes called him his best friend, but what is such a title out of the mouth of the most apathetic man you know? You were his girlfriend too and look at where this has gotten you, living as an outlaw in the shit and dirt of this city.

Like always, Hoseok lets the phone ring four times then he picks up.

“Flames are hot”, he says.

“And the arsonist works hard”, you answer him.

“Hyacinth, it’s good to hear your voice”, there is finally a smile in his voice now that you answered the code correctly.

“The same goes for you, Jay.”

“What’s up? I haven’t heard from you in ages.”

“Nothing much. I’m out of smokes.”

“The corner in twenty?”

“Yeah.”

You and he end the call at the same time. Twenty minutes later you meet. He wears black overalls and smudged eyeliner. He says it keeps the char easier to hide. Like always, he greets you with a quick hug.

“What do you got?” you ask him.

“Whatever you want.” He opens his bag. “I’ve got cigarettes, but something stronger too”, he says, scurrying around the contents of the bag with his fingers. He always has burn marks on them, but somehow they are never dirty.

“What do fifty bucks buy?”

“For you? Two packs of cigarettes and two joints. That’s a steal.”

“Fuck dude, you’re getting expensive.”

“Yeah well, a man’s gotta eat.”

“Fine, I’ll take it.”

You and he exchange goods. He makes small talk.

“But why are you here with me? Did Suga run out of goods?”

Suga is Yoongi’s codename in public. The sound of it almost brings bile into your throat. You did such a good job in forgetting him and now the memory of him is as fresh as a new day. At least you like to pretend that you are doing a good job at forgetting him. Your heart knows better though.

“We, uhm…”

Hoseok exhales sharply, “again?”

You nod your head.

“When?”

“More than two months ago.”

“Damn, that’s long.”

“Yeah, I’m serious about it.”

He cocks his brow up.

“I am”, you insist just a little snappishly.

“Alright”, he closes his bag, “I gotta go now.”

“Already?”

He looks around nervously. Almost as if he didn’t want to be seen with you.

“Yup. Use the stuff wisely, I won’t have new stuff for a while.”

“Seriously?”

He nods his head and salutes you nonchalantly.

“See you around.”

“See…you?”

He turns his back to you and walks off quickly, soon disappearing into the busy crowd. Is this your fate? Even the people closest to you avoid you now that you aren’t Yoongi’s anymore? Were you truly only worth something as his little thing? You ball your hands into fists, bending the joints this way. You have to leave this fucking place. There is actually nothing holding you here anymore.

That night the phone terror starts. Numbers keep calling you over and over and over again. You pick up the first time, only to have to listen to the most hurtful things another human has ever said to you. The voice wasn’t Yoongi’s, but you still blame him. Now that you aren’t his thing anymore, you became free food to whoever had been waiting to make your life a living hell. You turn off your phone after an hour and go to sleep with the help of Hoseok’s joints.

The doorbell wakes you the next morning. You consider not answering because it’s probably just one of his goons wanting to terrorise you. But whoever is ringing the doorbell is stubborn, forcing you out of your bedroom. You look through the door cam first.

That young officer. He is in full uniform.

You open the door hesitantly.

“Good morning”, he greets you with a wave and a smile.

“Good morning”, you murmur. Your mouth is as dry as a fucking desert. You are also so hungry that you could throw up in his face right now.

“How are you feeling, Miss?”

“Good.”

“That’s good to hear.” He says and shows you a package which he kept hidden behind his back all this time. He smiles brightly and proudly. “Tada!”

“What’s that?”

“I caught the package thief, Miss.”

“Are you serious?” you gasp and your eyes instinctively drift to the car you have noticed parked outside your unit for days. The door is opened and someone is sitting in the backseat. He looked cuffed to the seat. You glance at the young officer and the shiteating, proud grin he is sporting. He has been watching you? Did Yoongi tell him to?

“Wait. You’re actually serious.”

“Very serious. For you, Miss”, he says and shoves the package into your face.

“Uhm, uh. Thanks”, you accept it, putting it under your arm. “Have you been watching me?”

“Did you notice the car? Sorry, I thought that I was better hidden. I’m still new to all of this. But I caught the thief, heh.” He points at himself with his thumbs. “That’s my first real arrest.”

He manages to drag an honest smile to your lips. He is kind of adorable in a way.

“That’s cool. Thank you for taking care of it. Now I’ve got nothing to worry about anymore.”

He grins and nods his head, studying your features afterwards. He opens his mouth.

“Jeon are you there? Over”, his walkie talkie interrupts whatever he wanted to ask you. He takes it off his chest harness.

“I’m here, Kim Sir. Over.”

“Come to the precinct. We need reinforcements. Over.”

“Coming right away, Sir. I caught a thief right now, Sir. Over.”

A pause where the higher officer is definitely baffled by his confession.

“Good job, Jeon. Over.”

The young officer giggles before he speaks again, doing so as seriously as possible.

“Thank you, Kim Sir. I am taking the criminal to the precinct. Over.”

“Understood. Over.”

He puts the walkie talkie back on its harness and gives you a sorry smile.

“That was my boss. My other boss, not your friend who is the boss of this boss. Anyways. I have to go now, duty calls. Are you going to be okay, Miss?”

“I am. Thank you for your kindness.”

“Anytime, Miss. Uhm, have a good day”, he says and leaves with a wave of his hand. He waves again as he drives off. You retort it, staring at his car until it disappears behind a corner. You sigh deeply. He is so nice. Why someone like him? Why does this life always find people like him?

It’s been ten weeks since you left him. You read somewhere that walks are good for your mental health. You still can’t agree. Walks force you to be outside where people are still loud and still fucking stink. But it’s better than staying in your apartment. You’ve got new neighbours since Monday. They keep fucking like actual animals. They fucked when you left your place tonight. You were this close to kicking their door in and slaughtering them like pigs. You opted for a walk in the end.

You walk for a while then sit down by an empty bench next to the river. It is quiet. Nobody is really here. At least nobody important. A couple, how disgusting. A late night jogger, clearly a man. A homeless person, who uses another bench as their bed. You hate looking at homeless people because you feel helpless seeing them. You stopped being on the bright side of the law because of people like them. You thought that maybe if you stole from the corrupt men in power often enough, you would be able to help the ones who truly needed it. But you never managed to actually achieve anything. The homelessness in the city grows, while the pockets of the politicians become fatter and fatter in wealth. You fucking hate this city. It is rotten to the core.

“Look who we have here. If that isn’t our pretty little Hyacinth.”

You aren’t quick enough to get up to leave and then you already have two men throwing their arms over your shoulders while a third is grabbing the back of your head from behind. You try to reach for your knife but can’t. Their grip on you is too good.

“What are you doing here all alone?”

Their voices are familiar and one look at them confirms your suspicions. It’s them. The same three underlings who stole your groceries months ago.

“Leave me alone”, you tell them.

“Why should we? You are all alone. If the boss knew we’re leaving you alone, he’d grow angry.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Now, now don’t be like that. You’re just a girl and there are many dangerous men out there.”

You look to your side. One of them is licking their lips like a hungry animal.

“Yeah? And you’re being fucking inappropriate. Leave me alone”, you spit, shaking off their arms.

They let you. Just as they let you stand up and take your bag.

“Goodnight”, you tell them and leave. Quickly. You walk a good hundred feet until you finally dare to look over your shoulder only to realise in horror that they are following you. Quickly.

You can defend yourself. You know how to kill, but you also know when you are outnumbered. And three bigger men against a woman is sadly never going to end well for the woman. You hate this city and you hate this life. You know that their words were nothing but provocation. They know you aren’t with Yoongi anymore, that you aren’t under his protection anymore and that in some weird way, you sullied his honour. You also know how people who bring dishonour to the gangs of this city are punished. The men are murdered and the women, well, they are murdered too but not before being sullied themselves. You hate this city and you hate this life. This life which is going to fucking end for you soon.

You dare to look over your shoulder one more time. They are so close that you can see the hunger in their eyes. No. Nononononono. It can’t end like this. You were supposed to leave this city, start a new life, forget about Yoongi. You are not going to die here in this dirty, shitty park far away from your dream.

Thump.

You bounce back from the impact, letting out a blood curling scream. It was instinct. Just as it is instinct of the person you ran into to grasp you by your arms and pull you closer again.

“Let me go! Help! Help me!”

“Quiet”, the person hisses and shakes you. This voice sounded different. Familiar in an almost intimate way.

You dare to shift your eyes to them.

Yoongi.

“I, I, I”, you stutter, feeling delirious in both fear and shock. You grab his shirt, twisting it to get closer to him. The act is intimate and out-of-place but you are too frightened to think clearly. 

Yoongi brushes over the state of your glassy eyes to look over your shoulder. There are three men suddenly scurrying away, using the darkness to hide. He managed to get their faces.

He looks back at you. Your eyes meet. A little bit of clarity returns to you. What are you doing? Your fingers soften around his shirt. 

“I don’t…”

“Come on, we’re going home”, he say sternly and puts an arm around your waist, dragging you with him like this.

You follow him all the way to his car. You even let him sit you down on the passenger seat and you even stay seated when he rounds the car to get to the driver side. You think that you are in shock because you don’t protest when he starts the car, nor when he drives off. You simply stare outside with your knees turned to him because your body acts against your consciousness. The city passes you by in flashes of neon colours. His car smells like his cologne and leather. He has no music playing. 

Yoongi glances at your face. You have your head against the window, squeezing your hands between your thighs. The neon lights illuminate your features each time he passes by another light source. He can see that you are trying not to shake.

He takes a deep breath, shifting his eyes to the road. He has to grip the steering wheel, otherwise his hands would shake in anger.

“Should we get dinner?”

His voice rips you from whatever trance you were in. You sit up straight, looking at him. He is gripping the steering wheel to the point his knuckles pale. His long hair is hanging into his face tonight. A turquoise varsity jacket adorns him. His scar wasn’t hidden behind concealer. He wasn’t working his day job today. What was he doing at the park? Why was he there?

“Take me home”, you order him.

“I am.”

“No. Home. Not your place.”

“My place is your home”, he gets out through gritted teeth.

“No, it isn’t. Not anymore.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Did you see what they were doing to me?”

“No.”

You are lost for words for a moment. The tears come afterwards.

“Stop the car.”

Yoongi looks at you because your voice was shaking. He holds his breath at the sight of your tears.

“What?” he makes sure.

“Stop. The. Car. Now.”

He laughs and shakes his head.

You pull the knife out on him. He swerves to the side on instinct, fixing the mistake so vigorously, you and he shake in the small space. You don’t let it affect you, holding the knife against his skin.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he hisses.

“Stop the fucking car or I’ll kill us both”, you spit, holding the knife against his throat.

“Fuck”, he growls and hits the steering wheel. The car rolls to a stop.

“Get out”, you threaten.

“I am. Fuck.”

He follows your orders because you have his life at blade’s end. He still slams the door closed. You leave the car instantly.

“What the fuck were you thinking? You could have killed us both” he tries to scold you, but you silence him.

“I’m talking now”, you roar.

Yoongi closes his mouth because he has never heard you like this before.

“You are such an asshole! Each day I regret the moment I met you! You are the worst thing that ever happened to me!”

Yoongi gulps. 

“I had a life before you. I had dreams and ambitions and, and goals and…a chance. I could have had a good life. I was supposed to use my degree to help people but you ruined everything for me.”

He rounds the car in big steps, coming so close to you that you smell his breath. It smells like chewing gum. 

“You could have achieved something? What exactly did you achieve as a lawyer? Mhm, what did you achieve? This city is fucked.”

“Yes, because you fucked it!” you hit his chest. He doesn’t budge, but also doesn’t stop you. “You fucked it and you fucked me and I hate you for it!”

“Don’t blame me for your decisions. I gave you a chance to leave me back then. You were the one who stayed.”

You inch closer until your lips are almost touching. Yoongi exhales shakily, placing his hand on your hip. 

“And I will regret this decision till the day I die”, you whisper, breaking the closeness.

You slip out of his hold. He follows you in a small stumble and a trembling gasp. 

“I never want to see you again. Are we clear?” you hiss at him.

“Don’t be fucking ridiculous, you don’t want this”, he hisses back at you.

“You’re wrong, I don’t want you. I thought I still did, but I don’t. You don’t care about me, it’s finally so fucking obvious to me. You don’t fucking care.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“They are terrorising me, Yoongi!” You finally scream. “I wake up to people ringing my doorbell in the middle of the night, I have to keep my phone turned off because the phone calls don’t stop. I keep getting my stuff stolen and, and I thought I was going to be raped tonight! They are terrorising me and you called it not your problem!”

“No, you-”

“I’ve been living in constant fear, our friends don’t even look at me anymore, I haven’t eaten in days and I can’t-”, you stop yourself. He doesn’t even deserve your anger anymore. “-you know what? Fuck this and fuck you. I’m leaving.”

You turn your back to him and leave. 

He says your name and takes your hand. He pulls, tries to turn you to him. But you rip yourself free again.

“Don’t go”, he says.

You don’t listen.

“I’m ordering you to stay”, he sounds desperate, yelling your name, “I am ordering you!” 

He can yell as much as he wants to. You don’t listen to him anymore. The subway station isn’t far. You will make an exception and take it tonight. Even if you hate it. It stinks. Just like the rest of this shitty city.

You are going to leave. Once you are home, you are going to start packing and then you are going to leave. You will call V. You don’t know his real name, but he can change your identity as quickly as others change their socks. You will call V and tell him to have your passport ready the day after tomorrow. You will pay him with the money you have under your pillow and then leave for somewhere clean. Maybe somewhere with lots of mountains. You always heard that the air at these places is breathable.

You call V the same night. He tells you that two days is too short and to wait another week. So you wait. Your bags have been packed. You live out of them in your own place. You don’t leave it. You are scared. With how little Yoongi cared about your situation, you doubt that he told his men to stop. You are scared that if you left again, they would finally go through with what they couldn’t finish back then.

The doorbell rings during a rainy, dark night. You flinch awake to the point where you feel sick to the stomach. The lights are turned on instantly eventhough you know not to do that in such a situation. You can’t think clearly. You just want this to be over. All of it.

You run to the front door because you suddenly feared that it was unlocked. It isn’t, but you can watch someone push an envelope under your door. The shadow blocking the light outside leaves the moment the letter is inside your apartment.

You don’t want to open it at first, staring at it as if someone had planted a bomb in your apartment. Fuck it, if that is how you die then so be it, you think in the end and bend down to pick it up. It feels different in your fingers. Sophisticated. Intimate. The envelope is glued closed as if someone licked the glue stripe and the faint smell of well-known cologne lingers on the paper. You open it with shaky fingers.

A letter. It is heavy and folded once. You open it, gasping when three photographs fall out of it and onto the ground. You don’t know what is on them because they landed on their face side. So you read the letter first.

“It has always been mine as well.”

Written in black ink and a familiar handwriting. This is Yoongi’s writing.

With even shakier hands, you pick up the pictures. You feel sick for a moment, gawking at the cruel pictures with your hand thrown over your mouth. The three men who terrorised you. Their mutilated corpses look back at you. He tortured them to death.

You rip the door open, stumbling onto the balcony. You look down at what tripped you. Two bags of your favourite takeout food and a six pack of water. Both clearly fresh. So it was him. Yoongi must be here somewhere. You look into the distance. The night is loud and blurry in a thunderstorm. The streets are empty. The ghost of your past is gone again. You squint your eyes. A person.

“Yoongi!” you call out, unable to realise that you are smiling and waving your hand.

The person moves. Oh. It was just the shadow of a tree. For just a moment you had hoped that the dark shape was him waiting for you. It was just a tree��and you were happy that if could have been Yoongi. The realisation hurts.

“Fuck”, you press out, going back inside. The lump in your throat makes it hard to breathe. You stumble back to bed, halting for a moment when you pass your suitcases.

It has always been mine as well. His words repeat themselves in your head. All this time, you thought that he didn’t care. All this time, you thought that your terror left him cold. Your eyes drift over the empty takeout boxes from the noodle place. You still haven’t cleaned them up. He made sure that you were properly fed for days back then. A glance at the new stuff he got tonight. He is still making sure that you are. Your eyes drift over the package next. He made sure that they stopped getting stolen. You look at the pictures in your hands. He made sure that they would never hurt you again. All this time, you were so blinded by your own anger that you missed how he had always looked out for you. You missed his way of showing you that you were important to him.

It has always been his problem as well.

Something inside you breaks and you scream. You don’t know what you scream for, but you scream. It hurts so much. It hurts so much because you will still leave. He will hurt you again if you stay. All his efforts healed your heart and it hurts so much because you will still leave. You were meant to stay broken hearted. Leaving would have been so easy this way. Now it hurts like a bitch. But you can’t sway. You have to leave this place. It will chew up what little is left of you until you truly cease to exist.

V comes to your place the next day. He rings your doorbell. It wakes you from the uncomfortable sofa you fell asleep on last night. You groan as you sit up and you barely want to open your eyes as you stumble to the door.

You open it without checking the camera first.

“Took you long en- you?”

Jungkook, the young officer, greets you with a smile.

“I swear I’m not stalking you.”

You have a headache today, so it is difficult not to snap at him. He is also not the person you wanted in front of your door today.

“I’m starting to doubt that.”

He laughs, “it’s not that. I talked to my boss. Your friend, the boss of the other boss. Sorry, anyways. I need you to come to the precinct with me.”

“What? Why?”

“Okay so, this is actually so cool and I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but you’re my boss’ friend so I guess it’s okay”, he begins with sparkling eyes, “turns out that the package thief is actually a serial thief and you aren’t the first one he stole from. Isn’t that cool? It’s like in those movies. Those cool cop movies.”

“Really? He stole from more people?” You highly doubt that.

“Yeah”, he laughs as he answers you, nodding his head excitedly, “now we’re calling in everyone who he stole from so we can take their statements. My boss says that we can’t keep the thief locked up for long otherwise.”

You know that this wasn’t really how the law works. After all, you were once a lawyer who was fucking good at her job. Is Yoongi trying to drag you back to him? First he tries to change your mind by killing your bullies and now he is trying to do the final blow by abusing his power as police chief? You check the time. Couldn’t the young officer have come later? You could have had your passport already and be far, far away from this place.

“Can I just give it to you here?” you ask him.

“Mhm”, he tilts his head to the side, “no, I don’t think that it works like this. I’m sorry, Miss. The captain said that it’s important that all the victims come into the precinct.”

You have to give Yoongi that. He is real clever about it. That means however that you can’t escape this situation. Any more resistance from you would make you suspicious.

You give up with a sigh. “Can I just change into something different?”

“Of course, Miss.”

The young officer lets you sit in the passenger seat. He is so new at all of this. With such naivety he tells you his entire life story. That he was from the countryside and that his dream has always been to be a policeman in the city. That he studied hard for years and that he completed his enlistment with honour just so he could be a proper officer. He sounds so proud of himself that each second with him makes you hate his presence more and more. He is so fucking stupid and it angers you. Why would he throw away his life like that? Why someone like him?

You are led to one of the precinct’s interrogation rooms and are told to wait there. The table is decked with different foods.

“What’s all that?” you ask Jungkook.

“Breakfast, Miss.”

“Did your captain tell you to do that?”

“He said that wanted to make sure you get your breakfast because we called you in so early. The captain really cares for the citizens.”

You stifle a scoff. Sure he does.

“Mhm, I see.”

“Either way, it won’t take long”, the young officer bids his goodbyes and leaves you in the interrogation room.

His words were a lie. You wait and wait and wait, but nothing happens. There are no clocks in this godforsaken room, but you still know that it has to be hours. You didn’t want to eat the breakfast at first, glaring at the two-way mirror because in your mind, Yoongi was behind it, watching you and making sure that you ate. You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction at first, but had to in the end. The body begins working against one’s will when it is starving and the breakfast looked way too good. You eat all of it, then glare at the mirror again. You are still left alone and more time passes. It is as if they are trying to wear you down, as if you were the criminal in this situation. Granted, you are a criminal, but only Yoongi knows that and right now you are a poor civilian having done nothing wrong. You know that it’s Yoongi’s doing. That he somehow wants to terrorise you.

So when the door finally opens and he walks into the room, you almost throw the empty bowl at his head.

“Forgive the wait, Miss but something came up”, he says nonchalantly, flicking through some papers.

His second in command Kim Namjoon and the young officer Jeon Jungkook are behind him, which is why he is putting up this act. You grind your teeth.

“I already started to wonder if I’m in danger here”, you say way too sweetly.

“That depends on how you are going to answer our questions”, he says and sits down on the chair in front of you.

Jungkook stays by the door while Kim Namjoon stands a little to your side.

You look around yourself. He is trying to intimidate you.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I thought that I’m here to give my statement because of my stolen packages.”

Yoongi glances up from the papers. This is the first time your eyes meet after your fight and he killed your bullies. If only the others in this room would know how much blood he has on his hands and to which length he is willing to go to protect you. There were times where you would have dragged him over the table and kissed him senseless, but not anymore. You are stronger than your urges, even if it hurts your heart. You can’t give in again. If you do, he will take you for granted again. You won’t be happy with him. You finally have to fucking understand that.

“You’re right. You are here because of that”, he says dryly.

“Good. It started on May sixteen. I came home at around seven ten and noticed that my packages were missing. Two were stolen back then, but in total he stole eight packages”, you say and proceed to tell him the exact dates with the time as well as what was stolen.  

“You seem to know how such hearings work”, he says after he wrote down what you said.

“I had a few hours to practice what I was going to say”, you say with a poisonous smile.

One Yoongi retorts with just as much poison and a deep hum.

“Apologies again.”

“Don’t worry, I know how hard the police works at keeping this honourable city safe.”

He tongues his cheek. You give him a victorious smirk. This cut. Good. He takes a deep breath and releases it through his nose, reaching into his suit pocket to pull out a cigarette. He gets as far as to put it to his lips and then Kim Namjoon already speaks up.

“Captain. Smoking is prohibited in this building.”

“Fuck”, Yoongi presses out and takes the cigarette between two fingers to tap it against the table instead.

“Smoking is bad for you either way”, you say.

He tongues his cheek again. You know that he wants to curse at you right now, but can’t. He has to put up a friendly act.

“I know, can’t shake the habit”, he says and studies your face, “so what now?”

“Sir?” Kim Namjoon is rightfully confused. Yoongi slipped up.

“I don’t know, I was never in such a place before. Do you still need to take my information?” you act oblivious.

“We already have everything.”

“Great. Then I can go?” you ask, fluttering your lashes innocently.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Sir?” “What? Why?”

Yoongi shifts in his chair until he manspreads like an idiot. He crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“What are you going to do now?” he asks you.

“Uhm…is this still part of my hearing?” you ask, glancing at Kim Namjoon.

“No of course not, Miss. Please, follow me.”

“Sit. Down.”

The room is silent for a moment. You glare at Yoongi while Namjoon and Jungkook gawk in complete confusion. Their captain acts out of character. There is no reason to keep the innocent lady here any longer. This isn’t like him at all. He has been fidgeting all day, barely drank his coffee, went for far too many smoke breaks and now this. The officers have no explanation for their captain’s sudden behaviour.

“What is the reason for this?” you ask him.

“Just safety precautions. We wouldn’t want our honest citizen to get into danger”, he says coldly, “now answer my question. What are your plans now, Miss?”

“I will go home.”

“Where is that home?”

“Sir, I don’t know if that is necessary.”

“Shut up, Kim.”

Namjoon gulps, exchanging a confused look with Jeon Jungkook. This is really not like their captain.

Yoongi straightens up and leans forward so he is closer to you.

“Where is that home, Miss?”

You lower your eyes in anger.

“I don’t know yet, I’m planning to leave this city.”

“What?” his voice shook as he spoke. His fingers close and break the cigarette that way. His eyes almost bore holes into yours from how deeply he stares into them.

“This city’s become too depressing for me. I plan on leaving it for good.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do. There is nothing holding me here anymore.”

“Yes, there is.”

“No, there really isn’t. I will leave.”

Bang!

You flinched back. Namjoon and Jungkook tense up as well.

Yoongi slammed his hand on the table, jumping to his feet.

“No the fuck you won’t!” he yells.

“Sir? What are you doing?!”

“Excuse me? It’s my right as an honest citizen to move”, you act oblivious as well.

“Keep her here”, he talks to Jungkook, pointing at him, “lock her up and keep her here.”

“Under what pretence, Sir?” the young officer asks with widened eyes.

“I, I, I don’t know. Refusal to, to, to cooperate or some shit like that”, Yoongi never stutters and he never paces, but he is currently doing both of those things.

“Sir…is…this legal?” Jungkook asks shyly.

Yoongi is by Jungkook’s side within a few steps, grabbing him by the collar.

“Do as you are told, Jeon! Unless you want to lose this job!” Yoongi growls, making Jungkook whimper with fear.

“Captain Min, you are stepping out of place”, Kim Namjoon speaks up, dragging him away from Jungkook, “and get off this poor officer’s neck. He is just doing his job.”

Yoongi whips around, now targeting his anger at Namjoon.

“If he was doing his fucking job, he would lock her up”, he hisses, pointing at you.

“I need you to step out for a moment, Captain”, Namjoon says and gestures Jungkook to open the door. The young officer obeys, holding it open as Namjoon shoves a protesting Yoongi out of the room. He closes the door again, muting the vivid fighting Yoongi was doing with Namjoon outside.

He meets your eyes, smiling awkwardly.

“Please forgive the Captain, Miss. He is very concerned about his citizens’ safety.” He is a terrible liar, but you don’t blame him. If you were in his situation, you would have no idea how to explain such a situation to a supposed innocent citizen either.

“Don’t worry. I, I’m just wondering if maybe I can finally leave? I’m sorry, this just really scared me and I just want to lie down at home now”, you act shaken up, looking at the young officer with pleading eyes. 

“Of course, Miss. Our honest apologies again, Miss. Please follow me”, he says and leads you out of the room.

Yoongi and Namjoon are still arguing, but stop when they see you come out. You lock eyes with Yoongi for the briefest of moments. 

He closes the distance and grabs your wrist, dragging you with him with such vigour that nobody truly gets time to act. Not even you know what was happening to you until you find yourself in his office with the door slammed shut. 

“What are you doing?” you gasp.

“Shut the fuck up, you’re not the one asking this question right now!”

“Yoongi, lower your voice. This isn’t the place for screams.”

He steps closer to you, pointing at your face in warning.

“I have every fucking right to scream right now and you know that”, he presses out through gritted teeth.

“Why? Because I finally don’t need you anymore?”

“You can’t move. What the fuck are you thinking?”

“I’m-”

‘I'm not done”, he interrupts you, “I killed them for you. I did it. Just for you. Because your safety matters to me. I care.” He hits his own chest. “I showed you that I care and you’re gonna leave?”

You hate that you love him, but not for the usual reasons. You hate it because it hurts. You are going to leave despite not wanting to. You love him, perhaps you always will but you are also going to leave. 

You nod your head.

Yoongi exhales shakily, taking a stumbling step back. He stares at you as if you were the ghost whose haunting hurts him the most. He huffs out air, rubs his hand over his mouth, then runs it through his hair and down the side of his neck.

“I’ll kill the thief”, he says in the end.

“What?” 

“I'll make it seem like suicide. He’ll look like a pisser who couldn’t take prison and killed himself.”

“Are you out of your mind? He’s just a thief.”

“Well, what more do you need?!” he screams

“Nothing! I don’t need anything from you!”

“Why not? I can give you whatever you want!”

“Look at you. Now that you finally realised, I’m actually serious about the breakup, you wanna act like you care.”

“I care”, his voice broke, but you are both too angry to acknowledge it, “i-i-if I knew that you- I just-” He breathes in, breathes out, rubs his mouth, then his neck. “It can’t end like this. It can’t.”

“It can. I’m done begging you for everything.”

Yoongi steps closer.

“I can-”

“Sir? What is the meaning of this?” 

Kim Namjoon and Jeon Jungkook are in the office. The rest of the precinct gawks at you and Yoongi through the doorway. The latter lifts his hands and steps back. His fingers are shaking. 

“The captain just voiced his worries for my move. Don’t worry about it, Kim Sir”, you lie and turn to leave, “may I finally leave?”

Namjoon tells Jungkook to handle it with a nod of his head. The young officer points at the open door.

“Please after you, Miss.”

Yoongi says your name. 

You look at him over your shoulder, despite knowing you shouldn’t. He takes a step closer, lifting his brows in pleading. Don’t give in. Don’t give in. Don’t give in. You ball your hands to fists and turn your back to him.

Yoongi tries your name again, hoping for another look. One which doesn’t come. 

“Come back”, he tries, but gets stopped by Namjoon.

You can hear them talk as you leave.

“What the fuck’s your issue, man? You’ve been weird all day and now you’re screaming at citizens?”

“Watch your tone.”

“Hyung, I’m not here as your colleague right now. I’m here as your friend.”

“She’s gonna leave, she can’t…”

Jungkook leads you away from the office before you can hear Yoongi’s full answer. 

“Are you crying, Miss??”

“Hm? Oh that, don’t mind them. It’s just…” Your heart is broken and you want to run back to Yoongi. “...forgive me, I’m just a little shaken from everything.”

“I’m sorry, Miss. The captain isn’t normally like this.”

“It’s alright. I know how Yoongi can be sometimes.”

“Yoongi?” Jungkook asks, glancing at the captain’s office. He wonders what kind of friends you and he are. Maybe Those kind of friends? Is that why you are important to the captain? 

“I mean…sorry, I don’t know why I said that. I just wish to go home now.”

“Of course, Miss.”

“Oh god, I don’t even have money for a bus ticket with me”, you murmur to yourself, looking for your wallet. This is all a scheme to get Jungkook to drive you home again. You are worried that if he didn’t, Yoongi would somehow get to you before you could reach the station.

“Don’t worry about it, Miss. As a policeman, it is my duty to make sure that you get home safely.”

“Really? I wouldn’t want to waste your time.”

“Of course, Miss.”

And so he takes you home and you hate yourself because of it. So it began. You were the first person who used his kindness to her advantage. You were the drop beginning the inevitable filling of the tank until one day it will swap over. And once that happens, it is almost impossible to stop the leak. Fuck, you are just as terrible as everyone else in this city.

But the young officer is oblivious to what you just did, driving you home with a kind smile on his face. He even walks you to your door and stays as you unlock it. Your neighbours are fucking again. He glances at their door, then awkwardly at you.

“Yeah, I’ve got new neighbours. You can’t go over there and flash your badge and tell them to shut up, can you?”

“Of course I can, Miss. Just one mom-”

“No stop, I was joking”, you stop him, studying him with exhausted eyes. You are so sorry. You are so fucking sorry.

“Ah, okay. Please forgive me, I always take everything way too seriously”, he says, scratching his own neck shyly. He furrows his brows. “What’s the matter, Miss?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, Miss.”

“Run.”

“What?”

“Run back to your hometown. Run and never look back.”

“Excuse me?” he laughs in confusion, furrowing his brows harder.

“You’re a good person, Jeon Jungkook. This city will fucking ruin you.”

“I…uh…” He laughs nervously. “I don’t seem to follow, Miss. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to get it, just listen to me. Please.”

“O…kay? I uhm…”

“Thank you for driving me home. I’ll think of you sometimes in my new home.”

“Miss, are you okay?”

“I am. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. Just promise me to run.”

“I promise?”

“Good. Be happy, Jeon Jungkook.”

“Miss, I-”

You close the door on him and lock it. You don’t expect him to knock or ring the bell. He is too proper to annoy you this way. You check the camera. He stares at the closed door for a few moments longer, looking confused. He lifts his hand to knock, hesitates and turns his back to the door instead, leaving down the steps to drive off. You know that you confused him, but you had to. Please let it be enough to save him.

V arrives later that day. He is stressed and clearly in a hurry.

“What’s wrong? You look like you need to be somewhere or like you need to shit. Do you need to shit?”

“What? No”, he sounds out of breath as well as annoyed, “I’m risking my ass being here. I’ve got your stuff. It’s the only thing except mine that I managed to save. Give me the money, quick.”

“Save?” you probe, giving him the money.

He stuffs it into his boxers hastily, looking over his shoulder again.

“My place got raided by cops. I was at the market getting food, then came back to five cop cars in front of my place. I barely escaped. If I didn’t always carry my stuff with me, I’d have been fucked.”

“What?!”

“Sorry, Hyacinth. Gotta leave the city for a while. I wish you all the best.”

“V, what the fuck?”

“Here’s to never seeing each other again, aye?” he jokes, laughing nervously. It’s a good thing he said. Never seeing each other again meant that you and he managed to escape safely.

“Wait. Where will you go?”

“I can’t tell you. You know I can’t.”

“Yeah, just…be careful.”

“You too.”

He leaves and you know that he will be successful. If there is one person who won’t ever be found it is V. 

You are in a trance for the rest of the day. Yoongi raided V’s place. He went as far as to betray his own people just to make sure that you wouldn’t leave. Carrying your new passport feels like a trophy, as much as it feels like a curse. Leaving this city won’t be as easy anymore now that he knows. You are so fucking stupid for telling him, but you didn’t want to miss out on his reaction when he found out. The small moment of satisfaction seems skippable now that you know how far he is willing to go to keep you close. And because V came as late as he did, your means of escape don’t drive anymore either. You have to wait for the earliest bus if you wanted to or not. Fuck, you did this to yourself. You stupid fucking woman. Look at you. You have this big, honourable degree and still manage to get yourself into shitty situations over and over again.

You go to sleep with a gun under your pillow. You won’t risk anything.

You don’t get a lot of sleep and then a noise wakes you. You heard it as clear as day. Someone unlocked your front door. He sent men to get you. Now he’s gone too far. You jump out of bed and grab your loaded gun, tiptoeing to a spot from where you could observe the apartment. You have to be strategic about it. First count the men, then calculate the fastest way to shoot them, then act. The door closes and locks again. Clever bastards, they want to make sure that you don’t flee. Oh, you are going to have a blast killing them. One last little thing to leave Yoongi before you abandon him.

The automatic lights turn on. Got you, assholes.

The first enters your vision.

“Hm?”

Yoongi. Clearly drunk, he is dragging his feet over the floor, using the wall as support. No one else follows him. So he came here alone. 

Overtaken by anger, you jump out of hiding and at him.

Yoongi collides with the wall, feeling the cold nuzzle of the gun press against his chin. He drops the keys and flowers he was carrying, lifting his hands in defeat.

“Careful, it’s just me”, he lulls.

“Get the fuck out of my house”, you spit, carrying murder in your eyes. 

“I can’t believe you’re still hiding your keys under the flower pot. Don’t make me so worried, anyone could enter.”

“I’m gonna count to three and if you haven’t disappeared by then, I’ll shoot.”

“Can we talk?”

“One.”

“I know I fucked up. I can’t stop thinking about you. Please, can we try again?”

“Two.”

“I promise I changed. You were right, I was a joke. But I wanna do better now.”

“Three.” “I’m sorry!”

Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut. His death never comes. He peels his eyes open again.

You are staring, panting heavily. Tears are in your eyes.

“I’m sorry”, he whispers.

This is the first time he is the one to say these words first. It feels so good, but you can’t give in again. You made up your mind to leave…didn’t you? You study the state of him. He is heavily intoxicated. He looks the way and reeks of it.

“You’re drunk.” 

He nods his head, furrowing his brows. He touches your elbows, caressing them softly. Such touch you only get when he is drunk.

“I drank because of you. What you said today. I just…don’t move away, please”, he begs, eyes filling with tears.

“So now you care? I wasn’t important to you when I was with you and now that I’m leaving, I’m suddenly important?”

“You’ve always been important.”

“No, I haven’t. You took me for granted.”

“I did and I’m sorry. I never should have taken you for granted. I’ll do better now, please just give me a chance to prove it to you.”

“If I give you a chance again, you’ll just abuse it and hurt me.”

“No, I won’t. Please, I just.” He cups your face, running his thumbs under your eyes as gently as possible. “We were right once. We were so good together. We were a team and, and we had dreams and we made each other happy. I want this back, I wanna try to get this back again please.”

“I just want to be happy, Yoongi”, you press out.

“I’ll make you happy, baby. Please, I-I’ll make you happy again.”

“No, you’re drunk and talking fucking shit.”

“I’ll leave this city if you want me to.”

You falter. He would give up what he built just for you?

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“I would. For you I would. I’d set this whole city on fire and leave with you as it burns to fucking ashes behind us, please.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Please”, he whispers and drops his forehead against yours, “please, I want to make you happy again.”

You hate that you love him. You hate that he made you addicted to him. This is so awfully him. He gives you enough affection that you get addicted to it then takes it away again. And once he feeds it to you again, you drink it up like an alcoholic. It is always the same. 

“No, you won’t. You’re drunk.”

“Please.”

“Leave my place.”

He presses himself off the wall and grabs the nuzzle of the gun, guiding it right between his brows.

“You have to kill me if you want me gone.”

You gulp. He forces your finger to the trigger. Your airways close up.

“Kill me. Fucking kill me. I can’t live without you anyways.”

You could end it. You’ve got everything. Your suitcases, your papers, the keys of his car he drunkenly drove like an asshole. You’ve got everything you need to escape this place. You could end it, finally make sure that you have no temptation to return. You could end him and your addiction with it. He’s got your finger on the trigger, it needs just one flex and it would be over. But you never wanted him dead. No matter how much you wished for him to be gone, you never wanted him dead. Because in some fucked up way, all you really wanted was for him to put more effort into you.

“No”, you whimper, shaking your head. 

He rips the gun from your fingers and drops it on your dresser. 

“I don’t want to kill you”, you press out, sobbing softly. 

He cradles your face, wiping your tears. 

“I know”, he gets out, nodding his head, “I know you don’t, princess. I know.”

“Yoongi”, you squeak out, twisting his shirt. 

“I’m here, princess. I’m here.”

He pulls you closer until his kiss is just one breath away, feeding on the shaky breath you let ghost against his lips. His drunken eyes gaze at your mouth, his heart is racing in his chest.

“Push me away”, he tells you.

“I hate you.”

“And I love you.”

“Yoongi”, you whimper, finally touching his chest instead of his shirt. 

He moans and pulls you into a kiss. A deep, hungry kiss. 

You pull at his hair to get him off of you as much as you pull him closer, fighting for air. You hate that you love…do you really? Do you really fucking hate it? Do you really hate it when his kiss makes you feel alive again? You spent months feeling out of breath and now it’s gone. You can breathe again. At least metaphorically, physically he’s got you very close to passing out. You push at him to get distance. Air. He lets you breathe, but not escape. He pushes you to your sofa until your legs collide with the back of it. Your shaky breaths intermingle, your shared moans follow. His right hand slides to your ass, his knee lifts to your middle. 

You gasp, grinding down on him. You can’t protest because he kisses you so deeply it feels as if he wanted to consume your soul. He kisses and gropes, kisses and gropes until air is sparse. He gasps.

“Fuck. Fuck, I’m fucked”, he gets out and pulls your head back so he could drag his tongue up your throat. 

It should disgust you, but it doesn’t. You moan, running your nails down his chest and arching your back. He lifts his head, looking at you with drunken, crazed obsession. His fingers just can’t stay still on your body. It is as if he wanted to touch everywhere at all times. The attention makes you short of breath.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.”

You touch his cheek. He leans into your palm, closing his eyes when you trace his scar. You were with him when he got it. It was during a fight. He fought with his fists, his opponent chose the cowardly way and pulled a knife on him. He was lucky that he didn’t lose his eyesight. He hated it at first, but you made him feel handsome. You always looked out for him that way.

“Do you…do you think I’m handsome?” he asks. Such questions you only get when he’s drunk. 

“I do.”

His breath trembles as it leaves him. He drops his hand from your hips to take out his cock. He touches himself, gazing at you as if he needed the view of you to stay hard. And he does. He needs you. You are the only person who can turn him on.

You look at what his hand is doing, gulping heavily. He sighs, gazing at your face. You are as mesmerised by him as you were when everything was still good between you and him. His cock still has the same effect on you.

“Princess?” he tilts your head back up to meet your eyes, using only two fingers under your chin for it. 

You meet his eyes, heart racing unbearably.

“Yes?” One little lift of his brows and you give him the answer he craved. 

You part your legs, tilting your hips closer to him. You nod your head vigorously, gazing at his cock again.

He doesn’t bother to pull his pants down all the way, neither does he care about taking off your panties. He pushes them to the side and stuffs you full of him, gripping the edge of the couch and your right thigh as deep moans leave him. Your right leg is lifted like this, supported by him.

You gasp, tensing up. Your toes curl instantly, your fingers clutch his lower arms. His cock stretches you out and stuffs your walls. It’s not uncomfortable, but it is definitely intense. You gasp again, looking at him with widened eyes.

“I know baby, I know”, he breathes and bottoms out. “It’s been too long. Fuck.” 

He moves, chasing your warmth in drunk, sloppy thrusts. You writhe and gasp repeatedly, scratching the back of his neck. You want to hate that you love him. He should feel like an intruder. You should want to kick and scream for help. But you don’t want to. You feel whole again. No preparation, but he doesn’t hurt. His kiss and touch was enough. Your addiction to him runs so deep that his cock is pure heroin to you.

“Yoongi”, you get out, grabbing his throat. Your thumbs are on his Adam’s apple, threatening to press down.

He smiles, “I love you”, he gasps out and drops his head against yours. His long hair tickles your face, his drunken breath swirls over your skin. He gulps and moans under your fingers, pumping into you with no signs of slowing down. You start losing strength in your calf, standing like this is exhausting, but if you were being honest, you don’t want it to stop. 

“I hate you.”

“Fucking kill me then”, he rasps.

You close your fingers slightly.

“Harder. This isn’t gonna do it.”

“You first.”

“Fuck, baby”, he gets out and lifts you so he could round the sofa with you. He pins you down into the pillows, ripping the panties off of you and kicking his pants off. He pushes into you before you can truly realise what was happening, feeding you all of him until he can’t give any more. He twists the pillow next to your head as he takes on a punishing rhythm. His dark hair hangs into his face, his teeth are bared as he huffs like an angry animal.

“Yoon-”

“I know, baby I know. You already told me, baby. I know”, he whispers, wiping your cheek, “take me, I know you can. You’re my baby, you’re made for me.”

His praise is like medicine to you. This is all you needed. To know that he is still obsessed with you and that you still affect him. 

You close your legs around his hips, keeping him with you this way. You need him to always stay like this. He moans your name, slipping his fingers from your cheek to hold the pillow instead. You told him that you hated him, but your body betrays you. Your eyes betray you. You keep him close, gaze at him as if he was your everything. Yoongi’s head is turning. Not only from the alcohol, but also from being with you again. And from knowing that you still loved him.

Because he loves you so much. He hates himself for taking you for granted. He never should have. You are his everything. The fucking reason why he does all of this. The last three months were torture for him. He started smoking again, drank too much, slept too little, worked too many hours. And if he didn't distract himself with work, he tried thinking up ways of showing you that he was still there for you. He ordered his officers to look out for you, sent food deliveries to your place, parked in front of your place somewhere hidden to watch you smoke on the staircase. He also followed you sometimes after you confessed to him that some of his goons were terrorising you. And each time he followed you, he wished for you to notice him just so he could get a chance at talking to you again. But you never did and Yoongi thought that you will come back again soon. Then you told him that you would move and Yoongi finally broke. He was truly losing you. Three months of hell, of lonely nights and heartbreak and he was truly losing you. 

“I missed you”, he gets out, painting his name against your favourite spots. The eagerness with which you clasp him results in your hips to lift off the pillow, allowing your clit to grind against him each time he bottoms out. The necklaces he is wearing are tangling over your face. They were too long once, but Yoongi cut them to the perfect length so they wouldn't hit your face when you are underneath him. That was six months ago. During a time you thought he didn’t care anymore. You feel so stupid now. His way of showing you that he cared was always there. He was always looking out for you. You were just too blind to see. 

You gasp and whimper, mewl and keen, looking up at him with teary eyes and your fingers closing around nothing. You can’t tell him that you missed him too because you are too overwhelmed. 

“Did you miss me too?” but Yoongi is drunk tonight and when he is drunk he is needy for your affection. 

You nod your head. 

“Say it.”

“I missed you”, you get out, following it up with a sob. 

“Baby, I love you”, he croaks, wiping your tears before dropping his forehead against yours, “I love you, baby, I love you. Don’t leave me again, please.”

“You’re so drunk.”

“Yeah, drunk ‘cause of you. Thought I’ll lose you. Baby, I can’t lose you”, he croaks and shows you his honesty with passionate rolls of his hips. Somehow he goes even deeper than before, he hits your favourite spots even better. 

You arch your back and scream his name, throwing your head back as best as possible. This is electric. Holy shit, he makes you feel good. Your face scrunches up against your will, your feet shake on his back. 

Yoongi admires you with a pounding head and racing heart, repeating what he did before over and over and over again. You react in mewls and moans and screams and he can’t get enough of it. He wants for you to lose your fucking voice because you couldn’t stop screaming for him. Because if you sound like this for him, he makes you happy. It has been too long since you actually screamed this way, so Yoongi is especially affected by tonight.

He laces his fingers with yours – again, he is drunk – and squeezes them needily. He thinks that he is crying too. He watches pearls of something drip onto your face sometimes. His eyes also burn. He doesn’t want it to stop. He is willing to carry his emotions on his sleeve if it meant you were happy again.

“Is this what you needed? Does this finally make you fucking happy?” he gets out, chasing the ecstasy as much as he helps you with your own pleasure trip.

You squeeze his hands back, making him moan your name.

“Ye-yes.”

“Argh”, he growls, trying so much harder to fuck you right. It feels so good. He has to tell you. He stayed silent way too often in the past. You want his efforts and he wants to give them to you. “You feel so good.”

The first confession was hard because he isn’t used to sharing his feelings. It was hard, but it was also ecstatic because your sounds of pleasure became louder and you tightened around him, squeezing his hands happily. 

“You feel so good. You feel so fucking good. You feel so good, princess. You feel…so good”, he can’t stop now that he started, telling you over and over and over again how you make him feel. Good. So good. He feels so good when he is with you. “You are so good. Princess, fuck. I have to..I, I have to- ah!” 

You open your eyes in time with Yoongi collapsing on top of you. He whimpers into the crook of your neck, shaking almost pathetically.

There are two things you always believed to be true about Yoongi. First: When he fucks, his moans are always deep, raspy and growly. Second: He has perfect control over his orgasms. 

Both of these things are getting proven wrong to you right here and now as he whimpers and shakes and paints your walls with his unexpected orgasm. You want to blame the alcohol on it and maybe the months of abstinence, perhaps even the fear of losing you paired with the relief of having you again. Holy fuck, he actually loves you doesn’t he?

“I love you”,  he sobs, hugging you close. 

“Yoongi ah”, he breaks you with his confession and the tenderness with which he holds you. You swear that you can taste colours for a moment. You haven’t felt honestly good in your own skin in months. This right here is what feeling good is. This is it. 

You don’t know who comes down first. You think it is Yoongi, but even if he does, he doesn’t pull out. He lets you shake and throb and clench around him until your moment of peak pleasure is over as well. He holds you silently afterwards, catching his breath in the crook of your neck. He missed your scent like nothing else. Truly, it leaves him so drugged out that he actually finds himself drooling as he smiles like a giddy boy. 

You calm down with his weight atop your chest, his length still inside you and his hair between your fingers. It is still a little stiff and crusty from the variety of hair products he keeps in it during his day job. To think that mere hours ago, you were screaming at each other in his office. It feels so far away to you now. Like a memory of an unbelievable life.

You don’t hate that you love him. You really don’t. 

“How.” He clears his throat. “How are you feeling?”

“Good.”

“Are you sore? Does anything hurt?”

“No, but I’m leaking.”

“Fuck”, he laughs into your shoulder, nibbling on it gently, “sorry, I just…am drunk and missed you.”

“You were pathetic doing that.”

He laughs harder. You and he have a peculiar sense of humour. He knows that you meant it fondly. You laugh as well. He lifts his head at the sound of it, cupping your cheek. 

“If it means you’re laughing, I can live with being pathetic.”

Your heart flutters.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Booze. Way too much booze.”

You laugh again. His eyes soften, he caresses your face. 

“Definitely too much booze, yeah”, you agree.

“Mhm, fuck.” He cuddles into your shoulder again. “I’m sleeping here.”

“And you think I’d let you?”

He nods his head.

“Fuck, you’re the worst.”

“Am I wrong?”

“No, you’re not.”

You wake up alone the next morning. It hurts. So nothing changed. He got what he wanted, made you addicted again only to leave. Like he always did. And you are left feeling dirty and used and fucking awful. 

You probably would have stayed in bed to cry the entire day if a very worrying noise hadn’t come from outside your door. Someone’s in your kitchen. You roll out of bed and leave the room. You don’t need weapons today. You are angry enough that you will probably be able to beat whoever is dumb enough to break in. 

You cross the corner and stop, lowering your fists.

Yoongi. 

He took a shower and tied all of his wet hair into a messy bun. He is shirtless, wearing a towel around his hips. Music is playing from his phone while on the stove, breakfast is sizzling. 

“You?”

He turns at the sound of your voice, face lighting up instantly. 

“Good morning, beautiful”, he says, closing the distance to take you into a hug. “Did you sleep well?”

You don’t answer him, you push at his chest so you could look at him. You can’t believe that he is still here and that he is making you breakfast.

“What’s the matter?” he asks. 

“Why the fuck are you still here?”

He furrows his brows, “why not?”

“I, I don’t know. I just, just. I thought that…huh? You didn’t leave?”

He frowns in regret for a moment, before leaning in to kiss your cheek. He gives your left buttock an almost playful squeeze afterwards, stepping back to return to the cooking.

“I’m making your favourite. I also cleaned. Your place was a shithole, honestly.”

Still flabbergasted beyond relief, you look around your small apartment. He didn’t just clean up the garbage and tidy, he fully wiped the place down. You check the clock next. It’s way past one at noon. You slept for more than twelve hours. Damn. You never even realised how much sleep these last three months took from you until you finally fell asleep in his arms again and actually stayed asleep. You feel refreshed and not uncomfortable in your own skin. 

Last, you look at Yoongi. He is humming to the music, switching between stirring the eggs in the pan and chopping up some pork belly. 

At first you don’t want to accept that this is actually happening to you, but then the desire to be close to him gets too grande to bear. You almost run to him, colliding with his back in a passionate hug. 

He stumbles and grunts, following it up with a fond chuckle and his big hands rubbing your lower arms. 

“Please don’t make me regret this again. Please.”

He turns in your arms, caressing your waist. He shakes his head, looking at you in ways he hasn’t looked at you in ages. As if he honestly loved you. 

“Can you promise me?”

“I promise you, baby”, he says in a soft voice and locks pinkies with you. 

The gesture is so cute and honest, that you have to stifle a giggle. Your heart hasn’t fluttered like this in ages.

“I have an idea. How about I’ll take next week off and we’re leaving this city for a while? Maybe the mountains? You’d like the air there”, he suggests. 

“Are you serious? Do you actually mean that?”

He nods his head. You and he began swaying to the music, looking at nothing else but the other. 

“But first I gotta sort out the mess I made when I busted V’s place”, he says.

“Yeah true.” You slap his chest. “Fuck you for that. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know, I know. I acted irrationally, I admit. But I’m gonna fix this. You know how easily I can make stuff disappear. He’ll be able to return again in a week or so.”

“I hope you’ll fix this, you idiot you.”

“Mhm, I will and then I’m taking you on a long vacation”, he says, kissing your forehead before hugging you against his chest.

You close your eyes, melting into his chest. 

“And when we’re there, I’m gonna make you breakfast and make you cum and make you smile. Yeah?” he whispers.

“Yeah”, you snicker.

He smells like your shower gel today, but you don’t mind. He hasn’t shown such an actual desire to change in months and it feels so good to receive. You love that you love him. You really do. 

“I love you, Yoongi”, you whisper, feeling him squeeze you for just a moment as your confession overwhelms him. 

“I love you too, princess”, he tells you and he is sober for it because he swore to himself that he won’t need alcohol anymore to be able to show you his affection. 

He is willing to better himself, he truly is and a week later, you and he are in his car on your way to a long vacation in the mountains.

[808airsoftbros]

My Scary Noona (Kim Gaeul) (BXG) (S)

Author: A requested oneshot by an anonymous user, if you are reading this I hope you enjoy it, and if you all want to see more of my stories check out my Masterlist.

Y/N's POV

"I swear to God Yujin and Wonyoung, your guy's room is always a mess!"

Hearing my Noona, Gaeul once again yelling at her members for having a messy room and Yujin and Wonyoung pouted trying to act cute to get out of their predicament.

But if I know Gaeul no tricks are going to work on her as she's the oldest and made them clean up. Of course, Yujin and Wonyoung reluctantly did so as we all knew not to mess with her.

Even if Gaeul isn't the leader of IVE, she is still someone you don't want to cross with and she'll make your life a living hell.

Meanwhile, I was in my room playing Helldivers 2, wearing noise-canceling headphones, I didn't hear much of the commotion outside until I smelled that same autumn perfume that Gaeul always wears.

The scent was strong like it was being held right at my nose and when I turned around I saw Gaeul right behind my chair and I gulped.

"Y-Yes, Noona...?" I gulped.

"You, you and I are going on a date, you're not busy right..?" Gaeul asked and I shook my head.

"No... Well maybe..." I chuckled nervously and she rolled her eyes.

"And what exactly is keeping you busy today? Sitting your lazy ass playing video games?" She sarcastically asked.

Without saying anymore, Gaeul tossed me clothes for me to wear, and ordered me to get dressed and meet her outside. I sighed seeing that my video game sessions ended so soon.

After I finished changing into the clothes that Gaeul gave me which was a pair of Addidas sweatpants and jacket, I wear a Vans black shirt and all complimented by Addidas shoes.

Coming out of my room, Gaeul gave me a small grin before taking my arm leading me out of the dorm.

"Will be out all-day girls, you all better not make a mess!" Gaeul announced and the girls nodded.

"Of course, Unnie... You won't have to worry about a thing..." Yujin casually says while on her phone.

"You better keep your word," Gaeul warned and we left the dorm.

Walking hand in hand out of the dorm into the cool autumn breeze, Gaeul took a deep breath and sighed relaxing herself after constantly yelling bossing around her members all-day.

"Noona, do you always have to be this strict?" I curiously asked and she huffed.

"Well, someone has to keep things in order, and besides you know how chaotic those girls can get right?" Gaeul pointed out and sighed knowing she was right.

"Yeah, I cannot lie, they do get crazy sometimes... Even for my own liking," I answered and she grinned.

"Aren't you lucky you have a girlfriend like me to handle them~? Otherwise, you'd go mad," She cheekily said and I chuckled.

Afterward, Gaeul walked me into her favorite ramen shop, the waiter guided us to our table and left us alone to decide what to eat on the menu.

Gaeul took her time looking over the specials and then at me with a small warm smile the same look when she knows exactly what I'm going to get. Though I do sometimes doubt that...

"Let me guess... The shoyu ramen?" Gaeul guessed and I was baffled at how she knew what I was getting and once again proving me wrong.

"How do you always know, Noona...?" I asked confused and she giggled.

"Because you always get the same thing every time, it doesn't take a detective to figure that out don't you think? Perhaps try something new for a change," She suggested and I sighed.

Gaeul knew I was quite a picky eater, it's always been like that since childhood which gave my family a headache trying to get me to try foods that I may or may not like.

Although I always hesitated food from my parents, Gaeul is the opposite case not because she's scary or threatens to shove it down my throat but because I was less reluctant and open because of her warm and caring personality.

Unlike others who only saw me as a failure, weak, and stupid because of my health and mental disorder, Gaeul was the only friend I have who truly saw me as who I am and accepted me nonetheless.

Sure Gaeul may scold me from time to time but I eventually learned that it was for my own good and I have a lot more to learn about relationships even if we've been together for a few years now.

"Well, well, I can't believe my eyes... It's the weird kid..." I heard a familiar voice I hope to never hear again.

Looking up I sighed to see Jackson and his gang walking up towards us, they're all idols like Gaeul, and she too was surprised to see them.

"Jackson? What are you doing here?" Gaeul asked raising an eyebrow.

"Darling, why else would we be here? We came to grab some food is all. What are you doing with him?" He asked and Gaeul rolled her eyes.

"Jackson, this is my boyfriend Kim Y/N, we were on a date and we would appreciate if you didn't interrupt our quality time together," Gaeul answered and he seemed surprised before laughing his ass off.

"Boyfriend? Are you serious? You're a famous idol like us and this guy is who you choose? I mean come on you're better off dating some rookie guy from a shitty company instead of him, don't you think?" Jackson asked with a hint of mockery and I looked down not daring to look at him.

Gaeul on the other hand was furious about his words and immediately stood up before him almost as if she was ready to fight him as her fists was closed tightly.

"Take. That. Back." Gaeul warned coldly glaring at him but Jackson only sneered.

"Or else what? He's worth nothing and you are stooping so low dating him," Jackson replied and Gaeul scoffed.

"Oh please, that's quite rich, you always think you're so high and mighty because you walk over people to get on top, you always exploit, bully, and extort everyone to make yourself feel like the king of the world, but no, it's pathetic. Just admit it, Jackson, you're nothing but a goddamn coward," Gaeul coldly spoke to his face and he was livid.

"You fucking bitch! You dare speak to me like that to your senior?! Did you ever learn respect for people like us?!" Jackson angrily asked gripping Gaeul's collar tightly shooting her a deathly glare but she wasn't fazed one bit.

"Oh, I do... But you're not worthy of my respect unless you apologize to my boyfriend and recognize putting down others only makes you a weaker man," Gaeul retorted and Jackson lost it.

Jackson's anger took over him as he raised his fist to deliver a punching blow but he froze a painful sensation was felt in his groin from Gaeul kicking his balls causing him to let go of her collar as he groaned in pain.

Gaeul didn't even give him time to react, she grabbed his shoulders before delivering a cross punch to his jaw knocking him on the floor.

"Get up," Gaeul sternly demanded.

Jackson limply got back on his feet but it wasn't for long as Gaeul delivered a heavy front kick to his face knocking him down and she scoffed almost pitying how weak he was.

"Get up," Gaeul demanded once more.

Jackson's friend stood back not daring to intervene, Jackson tried to get up but it was harder as his body was sore and devastated from Gaeul's punches and kicks to his face and groin. Again without warning Gaeul slapped so hard that everyone in the restaurant heard it and he crashed into the wall and fell down groaning in pain.

"Not so fun when you're the one that's helpess, isn't it?" Gaeul asked sternly.

"Y-Your fucking insane..." Jackson weakly said and catches his breath.

"Well, that's what happens when you mess with one's boyfriend, I'll let you go but mess with my boyfriend again and I won't be so merciful and I'll do everything in my power to ensure you suffer for all of eternity, got it?" Gaeul warned and Jackson looked down in defeat.

"I understand..." He weakly groaned.

"Good, now you roaches get out of my sight!" Gaeul ordered pointing at the door and the boy quickly ran out of the restaurant.

Letting out a huff trying to calm herself down, she walked back to the table and sat down in front of me as the waiter comes back to take our orders.

I ordered my usual while Gaeul ordered the special spicy beef ramen, the waiter writes it down and leaves us for now. Shortly after, the waiters returned with our ramen orders.

Trying the new shoyu ramen recipe was absolutely immaculate despite the major change proving that not all changes in my picky habits are necessarily a bad thing to occur.

After we finished eating, we head back to the dorm to see the girls mostly asleep with Leeseo hugging Rei and Wonyoung and Yujin cuddling one another.

"Aww~. How adorable is that darling? But you know that means... right?" She whispered into my ear sending shivers down my spine knowing exactly what she means.

"Are you sure, Noona?" I nervously asked keeping my voice down to not disrupt their slumber.

"Do you know how long I've been craving you~? I haven't gotten your juicy cock inside of me for weeks... And I want it now," She seductively purred.

Without wasting time, Gaeul dragged me into my room closing the door before locking it, she shoved me into the bed and crawled towards me like a hungry tigress about to devour her prey.

The look in her eyes would make any man shit his pants as there was no escape for me as Gaeul cornered me on all sides as she pinned me down with her strong grip.

"Hmm... Where to start first~? So many ways~," She wondered as she licked her lips thinking of all the unholy things to do with me.

Taking some time to ponder on her first move, she smirked before going to my ear, her lips just inches from my neck as she nippled my earlobe a bit sending jolts of excitement and nervousness.

"Why don't you be a dear and take off my clothes~," She whispered and I nodded.

Sitting up I reached my hands on the straps of her dress pulling them aside and slowly pushing it down revealing her black laced bra and panties barely covering her assets.

"You like what you see don't you~? My body is just perfect for you baby~," She said in a husky tone and she bit her lip as she began working on my pants to free my erection.

Gaeul slides my pants off along with my boxers revealing my 9 inch dick making her lick her lips and biting it as this size was more than perfect for her.

"God, the words cannot describe how much I miss having your cock inside of me..." She muttered as she went down taking my length into my mouth.

Feeling her warm mouth and tongue swirling on my cock felt so amazing as always, Gaeul always knew all the buttons to push on me, and in turn, I'd pound the shit out of her.

Gaeul began bobbing her head faster and faster making me moan as I grab her hair as she began deepthroating me and soon enough I was reaching my limit but she wasn't stopping.

"Fuck... Noona I'm going to cum..." I warned and Gaeul took my cock out of her mouth before opening it wide sticking her tongue out as she used her hand to finish me off.

Almost instantly, I shot my line of cum onto her face most of it ending up on her tongue and she purred as she licked the cum off her lips and fingers.

"Mmm~. Thank you for the meal baby but now it's your turn~," She spoke in a commanding tone as she gestured me to take off her undergarments.

Obeying her commands like a good boy, I unclip her bra revealing her perky and luscious boobs, and slid off her panties revealing her perfect shaved womanhood.

Diving into her pussy I began eating her out making her moan my name as she wrapped her thighs around my head pushing herself onto my face more.

"Fuck baby~. Such a good fucking boy eating mommy out~! Keep this up and Mommy will treat you~," Gaeul wickedly grinned as she kept moaning as I eat her out.

Inserting my tongue inside of her not getting enough of her tasty juices she moaned louder as I began hitting her g-spot with my tongue and I feel her walls tightening.

"Shit baby~! I'm going cum and you better not waste a single drop..." She warned and she squirted all in my mouth despite her strong thighs tightly wrapped around my skull.

When Gaeul unwrapped her thighs she opened my mouth making sure I swallowed every drop of her juices and she smiled wickedly.

"Good boy, you didn't waste a drop and mommy is very proud of you~. Now it's time for your treat~," She praised.

She went on all fours displaying her firm and rounded ass to me and her glistening pussy and teasingly twerks inviting me to take her.

I didn't waste any time getting up aligning my cock to her pussy and slamming inside making her yelp as she didn't expect me to enter so abruptly but she didn't seem not to like it one bit but rather the opposite.

"Shit baby! You want me so badly don't you~?" She teasingly asked and without hesitation, I began fiercely pounding her pussy giving her my answer.

Gaeul moaned loudly as she gripped the sheets of the bed tightly as I rammed her like an angry bull and took out all my sexual desires and love on her.

The tightness of her pussy of my cock and the feeling was heavenly and I went all out to ensure Gaeul is pleased and happy with me.

"Fuck! Fuck! Just like that!" She screamed as I began hitting her g-spot with my cock nearly penetrating her.

Picking up the pace, I grabbed her ass as support as I pounded her faster and deeper making Gaeul nearly scream in ecstasy and slightly worry if I was going to finish too fast.

But I managed to hold my ground as I knew this was all out of love and our desires of one another, Gaeul was the only woman I'd ever want to share this rough lovemaking with.

Time was lost in our minds and before we knew it, we were both getting to our edge.

"I'm so close baby~!" Gaeul yelped.

"Me too... I don't know if I can hold it much longer!" I replied as I continued pounding her.

"Do it! Don't hold back! Let's do it together!" She demanded and I came deep inside of her as Gaeul squirted all over my cock.

After the massive orgasm we collapse onto the bed exhausted and sweaty from our passionate lovemaking. Gaeul gave a weak smile as she was catching her breath.

"That was amazing, baby... Better than I can imagine..." She whispered as she caressed my cheek.

"Y-Yeah, it was because of you... I'm the luckiest man to ever be with you," I replied as I hugged her pressing my face against her boobs and she giggled.

"No, honey, I'm the one who is lucky to have such a cute boyfriend and I can never ask for a better partner," She replied and sighed contently as she began playing with the strands of my hair.

"I love you, Noona..."

"I love you too, baby..."

[sxeraphfic]

SFW ALPHABET W/ DONNIE DARKO

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

Hey everyone! decided to do the sfw alphabet thing, i got rid of a few that felt unneeded or like id already partially answered them. hope you enjoy my loves <3

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Donnie as a very socially awkward and emotionally repressed person would be awkward with affection at first, i think he’d want to hug and kiss you and be cuddly but get nervous of freaking you out or scaring you. He has the mentality that he’s abit of a freak so he’ll project that unfortunately. However as time goes on and he learns to trust and feel your love he will become very affectionate.

He definitely enjoys hugs from behind whether it’s from you or him, not only is it cozy feeling but he occasionally likes to surprise you and give you a little scare because he’s a tease

Donnie also and obviously enjoys handholding and kissing, he’ll make sure to hold your hand wherever you go!

He isn’t particularly scared of PDA, he won’t do anything extreme but i feel like he’s a little unaware of his surroundings sometimes so he’ll happily go for a kiss or a hug in the middle of the street.

Donnie feels most comforted at home, away from people and with you. He’ll be extra cuddly then, whether it’s laying on your chest or getting his hair stroked he’ll love the attention and warmth you bring to him and he’ll do the exact same for you.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Donnie would probably be abit emotionally unavailable as a best friend not going to lie, i think he’d have a hard time differentiating between why a best friend is different to a normal friend… “shouldn’t you treat your friends all the same?”

However after awhile it’d be clear to him that you’re a trustworthy and good person, he’d open up to you about a few of his more… complicated problems and may even impulsively tell you some weird things during his episodes

The friendship would begin probably with you initiating it through some sort of party or maybe at school, at first he’d be a little distant and non chalant but after awhile he would have a genuine interest in your hobbies, life, personality etc

He’d probably feel most comfortable just hanging out in his room listening to music or playing video games maybe even reading or studying together.

He’d be loyal aswell, and open to listening to your problems as he out of all people would know what it feels like to have problems.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Cuddling with friends or family? absolutely not. But with a lover it’s a completely different story.

He’ll try to smoothly initiate it but end up accidentally saying or doing something silly and you’ll both laugh it off

He’s clingy aswell, not at first but as time goes on it’ll show, even during the hottest of summer nights he’ll try to link hands together as you sleep.

He looooves when you initiate it first, not just because he’s shy but it shows you want him and that’s all he needs to feel appreciated

I can imagine you two both standing together at a bus stop on a cold snowy day, cuddling together with his face buried in your hair to keep warm.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Donnie definitely wants to settle down at some point, i don’t see him having commitment issues but more so the complete opposite. Once he’s found the one he won’t let go and will do his best to be a good boyfriend OR husband despite his mental health.

Donnie would be a little messy about cleaning, he’s not lazy (most of the time) and i think he’d want the cleaning and cooking duties to be equal on both parts so he’d be happy to learn to cook for you.

During possible depressive or psychotic episodes he would require you to be a little more understanding on why he may not be perfect at keeping everything clean, he’d apologise in embarrassment but surely you’d understand <3

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Donnie would be terrible at breakups, i think he’s the type to dump and ghost and never speak again unfortunately.

He’d do the right thing by at least talking it out in person, but it would be an awkward conversation for sure and relatively fast paced as he wouldn’t know what to say afterwards.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Donnie would probably not really actually care at least too much about marriage, he wants it but he won’t be asking to marry you straight away.

That being said that doesn’t mean he’s not committed to you, he’s all yours and he expects the same from you!

I can imagine it wouldn’t take long before he pops the question out, maybe at a pretty looking park or dinner date where he makes the effort to have everything be lovey dovey and romantic.

I can imagine late night conversations in bed with him, and him suddenly bringing up the idea of marriage. “do you see us together in the future y/n?”

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Donnie is an absolute gentle soul towards you, he’s never violent or rough and is absolutely terrified of hurting or scaring you.

He gets easily frustrated and annoyed but is quick to apologise and stop if you tell him he needs to calm down

Occasionally donnie will enjoy a little play fighting or a little pinch to give you a shock, but most of the time he prefers to just be gentle with you.

Emotionally donnie tries his best to be gentle, however he’s filled with sarcasm and is a little bit of a meanie, it’ll show and if you tell him you don’t appreciate it he’ll try his best to repress himself. Otherwise if you enjoy it he’ll probably like that and ramp it up a little more for the banter factor.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Donnie’s hugs depend on where you are.

In public places his hugs will usually be casual and quick, he’ll probably give you a kiss on the forehead too during it.

In more private places he’ll be much more relaxed and give you long and heartfelt hugs, kind of bear hug like in a sense. He might rough up your hair and give you lots of kisses during it aswell.

Donnie is always happy to receive a hug from you too, he won’t mind how long they are or how intense you are about it. He just likes that you want to give him one in the first place!

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Donnie doesn’t really understand social norms like waiting 3 months to say i love you, if he’s with you in the first place that means he loves you. So it’ll probably take less than a week for him to announce it to you, maybe even on the same day you get together. He’s fast paced with his emotions and words and is quite blunt about it.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Oh boy do i have opinions on this.

Donnie will get jealous and he’ll definitely ruminate and stress on it, HOWEVER he will not blame you for it unless you’re showing signs of cheating.

When he’s jealous it’ll take him a few days before he really admits it, in the mean time he’ll be a little distant and more sad looking than usual. He’ll ask for validation from you like a sad little puppy whilst not even being open about why he’s asking for it in the first place. The next stage will be him getting a little snarky about whatever’s made him jealous which is where you’ll realise what’s happened.

Donnie is a paranoid person, but for you he knows to try tone it down. If you realise he’s jealous and just comfort and explain to him that he doesn’t have to be, he’ll immediately feel comforted and better about it. Just don’t keep him waiting on it.

I think during his episodes he’ll be a little more aggressive about it but as i said all he wants is the confirmation that you only want him.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

It’s hard to tell with donnie whether his kisses are going to end up in a rough and steamy make out sesh or if it’s gonna be just a quick little peck. Either way he’ll make sure to kiss you on the regular!

Donnie’s favourite places to kiss you are

Your lips (ofc) your forehead your cheeks your neck your stomach and thighs and literally anywhere else. lol.

Donnie personally likes to be kissed in those exact places too, especially his neck. it gives him butterflies.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Hmmm as a teen obviously he just likes to tease and make fun of them, especially his little sister.

But as he gets older and as he’s stated himself he definitely wants to have kids, he’d only have them if he was mentally well enough to handle them though.

That being said if he did have them and was mentally well, he’d been a kind of “cool dad” if you get what i mean. Not afraid to be honest and direct with his kids about the world, maybe occasionally make a silly more adult joke or swear around them. He’d want them to be emotionally intelligent and know how to navigate though their world, so he’d be cautious about the media and information they consume.

He’d also defend them against school authority probably lol. Even if they’re in the wrong and they’ve done something stupid he’ll be the first to say it’s not a big deal.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

“Nooo ten more minutes” type of energy here. you will not be leaving that bed until he’s ready!

If hes in his bed cuddling you he’s as happy as can be, he loves to stare and admire how you look when you’re sleeping so he always hopes to wake up before you.

Once he’s out of bed he’s abit of a grump for the next hour or so, he enjoys it if you happen to make breakfast for him but it’s not a big deal if you don’t.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

There’s a variety of things donnie wouldn’t mind doing at night, he’s kind of an all cards type of guy when it comes to it since the vibes of night just suit his needs perfect

Watching movies in his room or at the cinema Listening to music Reading Cuddling and kissing Other.. not so safe for work stuff.. Night walks and star gazing

Donnie loves any time he can spend with you really, he’s not in a rush to go to sleep so he’ll stay up all night with you if that’s what you want.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Donnie is not one too get easily angered, with you that is. Normally he’s very easily riled up about how the world is cruel and everyone in it sucks. But with you he has an unbelievable amount of patience, he’ll retort with sarcasm but is a natural problem solver and is always ready to talk it out.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Donnie comes off as absent minded, but he will remember every single little detail about you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a little notebook or journal filled with information about you and your likes, dislikes, random facts and etc.

Donnie’s the type of person to know and remember facts about you that you’ve long forgotten, he’ll buy you a t-shirt of a band that you mentioned liking three years ago and haven’t said anything about since.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Donnie is definitely a protective boyfriend, it comes from his paranoid outlook on the world. He would never forgive himself if you got hurt and he wasn’t there to protect you.

Although he isn’t a bodybuilder or anything he’ll speak up for you and maybe even resort to a little violence. (or if he’s feeling really crazy he’ll pull a gun out like in the movie)

As for you protecting him.. he’d appreciate you standing up for him but insist he doesn’t need it, if anything it’d make him a little embarrassed.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Donnie would definitely put effort into you, the fact that you’re with him in the first place amazes him and he doesn’t plan on losing you to laziness.

Most dates will be casual, if he feels like he wants to treat you to something nicer he’ll work hard for it. His love language is primarily physical touch and gift giving imo, so when he works he has a tendency to work just so he can provide for you since he has such simple needs himself.

As for everyday tasks, he believes in equality surrounding that type of thing. But if he notices you’re in a poor mood or feeling sad he’ll put in the effort to make sure you don’t need to strain yourself.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

The most obvious one here is his fluctuating and poor mental health, mental illness isn’t pretty. There’ll be times where he needs you at his lowest and he might push you away during it. That’s when you need to be there for him the most.

He also tends to be absent minded with your feelings, he might say or do something that makes you upset and not realise until you say something about it. This isn’t personal, he’s just very straightforward.

He’s definitely a little possessive too, not to the point where you’re unsafe but he’s terrified of losing you.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

This one is an interesting case.

He isn’t really worried with his looks but definitely has abit of a freak complex due to his illness and unpopularity at school, he’ll appreciate when you compliment him. he needs it.

He might ask you what he can do to be more attractive, or if you’re really into him, the answer is obviously yes but he really could do with an ego boost.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Donnie isn’t interested in superficial people, if you can’t have an interesting discussion with him he’ll be turned off immediately. He also enjoys someone who’s at least somewhat reliable, you can have your own issues and mental illness but at the end of the day if you’re a complete mess in all areas he may just end up feeling like he can’t give you what you need.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Besides the obvious sleep walking, donnie is a heavy sleeper. He doesn’t snore or anything but he definitely mumbles and grumbles throughout the night, he also will unconsciously hug and cuddle you for warmth.

Donnie may also experience frequent nightmares, if he wakes up from a really bad one he might wake you up for comfort

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Annnnnd finished! i hope you guys enjoyed. If anyone is interested in an NSFW version please head to my ask box!

partially proof read ;9

[spotaus]

Everyone say hello to DreamEater AU's very own Dream! (And Fresh!) Otherwise known as Tulpa!

This AU is technically a Dream × Fresh ship story, but honestly it could be taken as Platonic because I view them both as aroace kings 👌. (This is alao Extremely self-indulgent lmao-) I'm gonna put more under the cut + close-ups but what is important is:

Dream is badly injured by Dust and ends up in a random AU after a messy retreat from battle. Fresh stumbles across him in need of a new host and attempts to take over Dream. Dream isn't a normal monster though, and he fights the hostile take-over. His soul doesn't decay like a normal monster's when Fresh feeds, so they end up coming to an agreement to share the body while Dream heals.

SO!!!

The DreamEater au comes from an idea I had years ago. Dream is injured, and it leaves him badly paralyzed while he recovers. In the old concept Fresh just nursed him back to health. In the DreamEater AU, Fresh is actively using Dream's unique vessel to his own advantage. It's like finding a body that fits him like a glove, and so he's content to just keep it. Until, of course, Dream becomes conscious again.

Fresh successfully takes Dream's body for a week or so before Dream is lucid again as a soul, and he tries to reason with Fresh to give him back control. He explains what happened and why he needs to get back. Fresh explains that he's going to keep being a parasite and no way he's giving up the perfect body. It's a long back and forth before Fresh relents and let's Dream take control again, only for him to collapse. Dream can't feel anything from his neck down due to where he'd been injured.

Fresh takes over again, and Dream just kinda lingers along with Fresh, staying in the passenger's seat of the body. He is stressed and worried but knows now that it'll take ages for him to heal anyways. By letting Fresh roam he can see the state of the multiverse at least.

And as things go on, the balance keeps tipping. Farther and farther in Night's direction. It's palpable. Then one night Fresh talks with Dream. It's small-talk, but it turns out he thinks Dream's soul will keep going forever if he can be around happy people. Dream explains that without him to do guardian work there are less abd less of those positive people to feed him so Fresh can keep going.

So, Fresh agrees to help Dream return to his duty, but only minimally since he's extremely injured.

Dream returns most of his wardrobe, and Fresh controls his body while Dream directs him and takes over control of his skull. Any weird actions are chalked up to recovering from his injury. Blue and Ink are thrilled to see him again. All is well for a bit, and though Fresh holds Dream back sometimes, he ends up actually being really good for Dream's mental health by not letting him overwork or stress about things he doesn't need to. Dream teaches Fresh how to use a bow, how to fight with a staff, etc. They become... friends? At least while they help eachother. Having Fresh tag along doesn't hurt Dream at all, and Fresh loves his free buffet of Dream.

Blue is the first one to notice Fresh, but he's not actively hurting Dream so he says nothing.

It's hinted when m, during a fight with NM's gang, someone curses and It's censored. Everyone is on edge because many of them don't like Fresh, and the bttle dispurses quickly afterwards.

It's revealed on a day that Dream is ambushed on an errand and Fresh takes forceful control so he can Fresh-Poof out of the way. Dream's Soul is shown in the other eyelight that's normally dark, and Fresh takes full control just to skate around the gang, teasing and evading them. Dream wasn't happy, but he was grateful after the fact. Everyone knew after that, and Dream started to agree that without it being a secret, Fresh could change up the wardrobe.

Eventually Dream heals almost fully. At that point, Fresh tries not to get involved with NM's conflicts. He also swaps in and out of control with Dream seamlessly throughout an average day. They become actual friends, talking over eachother and playfully swapping control. And eventually that becomes an agreed partnership. Ink doesn't approve of having Fresh around all the time, but he's Dream's closest companion besides Blue, so he stays.

Point is, they care a lot about eachother, even when they started out so tense. They keep eachother safe for selfish reasons, and for their bond.

[sunburnhurts]

Distance || Robert Pattinson x fem!Reader

Summary: Y/n is working on a new big movie where her character is extremely mentally drained. Putting everything into the role, Y/n herself acts different towards everyone, including her fiancé, Robert Pattinson.

Words: 1,637

All My Stories

Warnings: Reader has a breakdown, it's just mentions of mental health, nothing too descriptive.

A/n: I don't put warnings in my stories, so take that as you will i guess?? Lol

When Y/n read through the script of her new movie, she grew worried at the amount of emotion that she has to put into her character. In the beginning of filming, everything was fine, mostly because all they were filming was the happy scenes in the movie. Towards the end, cast mates, directors, friends and family members noticed change in Y/n on and off the set.

The movie was filmed in the US, meaning Y/n and Robert wouldn't be together during the filming of her movie. Although they always called, FaceTimed, texted and sent each other stuff, the distance was hard. Robert started noticing Y/n response to texts slowly go from 1 minute, to 5, to 30, to hours. He never made a big deal about it, he didn't want to stress her out.

One day was particularly hard for Y/n to film. She wasn't able to sleep the night before, it was already a long day of filming, and she missed Rob so much. She was on set getting ready to film a scene where she was on the bathroom floor, crying hysterically. She was incredibly tired, she just wanted to go home, her head was fuzzy from how many scenes that day where she was crying and drained.

As she heard the director yell, "Action!" Y/n's head was blank, she was just thinking about pushing through the scene, but that only made her more upset. The camera panned on her standing up in the door of the bathroom. Her face had a blank, exhausted look, and it was 100% real. Her breaths became short and quick, her shoulders moving up and down.

Of course, to everyone on set she was just acting, and she was doing a damn good job. Her hair was pulled back in a low, messy bun, with her baby hairs blocking some of her face. Her eyes started darting around the fake bathroom, her breathing becoming heavier, indicating she was going to start crying.

She absentmindedly closed the door behind her without turning around, backing up and sliding her body down the door. Her eyes darted everywhere but the camera as it moved down to her. Tears weld up as she slid her hands across her face to move her hair.

She was now crying, her mouth open trying to catch air. "I can't do this," she whispered, growing even more dizzy from taking short breaths. "I can't do this," She repeated louder. She swallowed hard as tears were basically drowning her. In this scene, there was no dialog, everyone thought she was improvising because it fit the movie, but she wasn't.

The camera continuously slowly zoomed in, watching her hiccup her breaths. "I can't do this!" She shouts, bringing her hands to her hair, tightening her fists. Obviously, she was having a breakdown, but so was her character.

Once the director finally stopped filming, Y/n didn't move, her head in her hands hysterically crying. Everyone started cheering for her until they saw how she was still crying. She slowly got up, using the sink ledge to steady her because she was extremely light headed. One of her cast members, Jess, was the first to run over to her, putting her arm around her to steady her. They walked off set, into her trailer van.

Y/n thanks Jess, telling her she just needs to be alone. She nods, respecting Y/n's privacy. Once she was alone, Y/n laid on her bed, still crying. She wanted to be held by her fiancé, it's been too long now. She hasn't texted him in a few days, she hasn't even picked up her phone. She was either on set filming, or hiding in her van. At this point she didn't even know where her phone was.

Once she cooled down, she got up and looked around for her phone. She spotted it on the kitchen counter. She tried turning it on, but it was dead. As she plugged it in, she zoned out waiting. She was struggling to think of the happy things she was able to do after the movie was done.

She then thought about how her breakdown on set would get out to the public, they always do. Her phone lit up, bringing her out of her thoughts. She unlocked it, looking at the messages icon. 89 missed texts. She opened the app, seeing most of them were from Robert. The messaged spanned from 5 days ago to now. ~

Rob 💗: ^New Messages^ -Hey, we haven't called in a while, everything okay? -Call me when you can, okay? -Love?

-You're worrying me -You never responded to my texts yesterday -Is filming going well?

-Y/n please respond. -Just send me something to let me know you're okay

-Y/n -Please call me *4 missed calls* -Jess told me what happened, please answer. *2 missed calls* -What's going on?

~ Y/n reads the messages, heart aching. She sits there for a second, deciding whether calling him will make her calm down, or if it would make her miss him more and make her more sad. She stares down at her phone, still thinking. Then she presses 'call'.

There was barley any time for the phone to ring before Robert picked up. "Love, talk to me, what happened?" Robert's worried voice came through the phone. Y/n paused, listening to his voice, tears coming back to her eyes. She swallowed hard once again, hitching a deep breath.

"Rob.." She pauses once more. He waits for her to keep talking. She then starts explaining her situation. She tells him how much this role has affected her mentally, how much she loses sleep, how much she needs him.

"I had no clue you were feeling this- why didn't you tell me this!" He wasn't mad, he was extremely worried. He cursed at himself for not doing something sooner. But at the same time, there was nothing he could do.

"I don't know, I was just going to wait until I was done with the movie. I thought maybe I was just overrating or something,"

"Even if you were overreacting, I still would have been there," He thinks for a moment. "Do you know how much longer till you're done filming?"

"Um, like 2 weeks, maybe." Y/n answers. "I'll be fine, okay? I promise to call you if anything happens."

"Please do," Rob takes a break, "you really scared these past few days."

"I'm sorry about that- about not responding. I haven't been on my phone in days, I promise I wasn't purposefully ignoring you." She explains, looking down and playing with her shirt with her unoccupied hand.

"It's alright, I'm just glad you're not dead." He slightly jokes, lightening the mood. A huff of a laugh escaped Y/n as she fell silent.

"It's going to be so embarrassing watching that scene, they said it was perfect for the movie." Y/n sighs.

"Aw, love, it's okay." Rob says, frowning that he can't hold her and calm her down. "Listen, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, okay? I would never judge you."

"Yeah, you're right." Y/n nods. Robert then changed the subject, talking to her about the exciting things he planned to do for when she comes back.

~~~~

After the movie was completely finished, it was time for the red carpet premiere. Y/n still had a few hiccups while finishing filming, but she reached out for help whenever she could. She was now being interviewed by people on the red carpet, standing next to Robert. They were connected hand-in-hand as Y/n answered the questions about her movie.

After she took pictures with fans and was interviewed more, Y/n took her seat next to Rob, getting ready to see the film. Y/n was already worried about the movie, hoping that everyone likes it, that no one thought she was a bad actor. Along with that fear, she was afraid about the one particular bathroom scene.

Robert looked over as Y/n adjusted in her seat anxiously, placing a hand on hers, making her look at him. He sent her a smile, making her take a deep breath and smile back. The movie started playing, making Y/n cringe at first when she saw her face. She was just recently starting to get used to seeing her face on the big screen.

As the movie went on, Rob held his hand in hers, squeezing her hand whenever she looked away from the screen for a second. The screen switched scenes, it was now the bathroom part. Y/n pinched her lips with her teeth, eyes glued to the screen.

She watched as her character, who looked like a mess, close the door behind her, sliding down and crying. "I can't do this.. I can't do this.. I can't do this!" Echoed through the theater.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Robert lean down to her ear. "You're so beautiful." He whispers, turning back to the screen. This caused Y/n to look at him, confused and blushing. She thought about how she was having a break down, she looked a mess, she was hysterically crying, and all he could think about was how she looked beautiful. She smiles at the thought, looking back at the screen.

When the movie was finished, the theater was filled with applause, causing Y/n to break out in a smile. As people exited the theater, they stopped by Y/n to congratulate her on how good the movie was. A smile never left her face.

Once Y/n and Robert got into the back of a limo, Robert turned to hug her. He was so proud of her. Although he rarely tears up in movies, he had shed a tear or two. He praised you for your acting, he never brought up anything about the breakdown she had.

The End

*Not Pre-Read Yet*

A/n: Obviously I'm not an actor, but if I was, I would literally hate watching myself on screen.. But anyway, I hope you guys liked this! I don't really, but idk..

[childlikegoblinqueen]

SCOM WRITERS NOTES! For Criminal…

Darius and Willow (and Hunter)

First? Some mental health stuff.

I’m back and my brain is working overtime not to panic and obsess about things that are currently out of my control.

Not easy. I’m sick to my stomach most days and raising my kids who are now WAY more aware than they were when they were literal babies in 2016 and have a lot of thoughts about *things* takes up a lot of headspace.

I’m going to continue to (try) distracting myself with fan fiction and writing notes… but I may be slower because of everything.

So see below for a few notes about Criminal and how Darius’ (and Steve’s) actions after Willow’s actions frame things.

Darius’ track record of truth versus omissions of full truth is BAD in SCOM. I know that a LOT of folks thought I was deliberately anti Darius etc and that is something that they are entitled to believe, but certainly I was working more with the idea that people are messy AF, especially people coming from an underground resistance to a fascist government, and Darius had other hang ups considering his own relationship with Hunter’s predecessor.

Darius made bad decisions that he meant well by at the time and sometimes even overcompensated to fix which ended up costing more to begin with. This is a REALLY HUMAN PROBLEM. He chose to dive back into government (and mend and reform it) which means it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to share certain things with others on the outside.

In SCOM Hunter, coming from the place he had been all his life needed distance from anything involving government. The two things just couldn’t fit together and as Darius had admitted (and Bria twisted) he’d felt sick when he saw Hunter realizing just how badly he’d failed at not mentoring him, but being in his life.

That said? Everything he had done (for better or for worse) was to protect Hunter and keep him out of government affairs so he could remain a private citizen.

And a big one, that displayed a TON of bias was how he handled the situation between Willow and Kikimora.

He has a lot of compassion for Willow and recognizes very well how someone can be pushed SO FAR PSYCHOLOGICALLY when it comes to the thought of a loved one being hurt and abused.

Further? Kikimora (unlike Hunter and Willow) was a grown ass adult when this occurred (more on that later in the story).

Torture is NOT Willow’s go to by any means. She felt outside her own body when she acted as she had. A feeling both Darius (and Steve) are likely to understand. And they believe she deserves a chance at healing.

So taking her memory and getting her into therapy was part of protecting Willow and Hunter at the time. Not only did he see her as a child who couldn’t process her emotions over not being able to protect someone she loved, but he saw her actual horror at her actions.

This shouldn’t be definitive of her future anymore than Hunter should be defined by his time as a child under Belos.

[kissorkill16]

A Psychopath's Son: A Hello Neighbor Fanfic

By JJ

Summary: In a deep state of mental psychosis, an asylum patient named Theodore Peterson grows attached to his doctor, Nicholas Roth.

(P.S., for @ghostly-writers !)

Nicky was just 18 when he started working at the Missouri mental hospital.

He took this job because he wanted to be able to help people with mental problems and save them from hurting themselves or other people.

His father had a bad mental health issue, where he always screamed and threw stuff at people whenever he had a mental episode, his episodes ended up killing himself and his mother.

So that's another reason why he wanted to help these nutcases, to save them from doing something to their loved ones.

Even though he was young, he's actually helped a lot of the patients make a full recovery and make it out of the hospital.

One afternoon, Nicky was just eating lunch in the break room, and his boss came up to him. "Nick, do you have a moment?", he asked. Nicky was just finishing up his sandwich.

"I'm not busy, what's up?", he asked.

"You've been assigned a new patient.", said the boss.

Nicky raised his eyebrows, "Already? Damn. Not even a week passed and I'm already getting assigned a new patient.", he said, almost sounding impressed.

The boss handed him a couple of papers. "This is his file.", he said, then he walked out of the break room. Nicky took a look at the file.

Theodore Masters Peterson.

Age 54

Gender: Male.

Nicky went to Cell 514, where Theodore was being held in. He unlocked the door and stepped in, and he was greeted by a large, pale man with messy reddish brown hair and mustache.

This must be Theodore.

The patient looked up at Nicky, and Nicky could see his dark eye bags.

"Hello, Theodore.", said Nicky. "My name is Nicholas Roth, but you can call me Nicky. I'm here, because I've been assigned as your doctor."

The patient smiled, and it almost looked like he was mocking him. That smile looked so wicked. "You won't last a day.", he said in a deep, gravely voice. "All of the doctors assigned to me have ended up going insane themselves. What makes you think you'll have a different result?"

Nicky stepped forward to his patient, a determined look on his face. "Because I've dealt with people more mentally unstable than you, Ted. I'm sure whatever you throw at me, I'll be able to handle it."

Ted raised his eyebrows, "You look a lot younger up close.", he said. "How old are you, young man?"

Nicky backed away from him a little bit, feeling a little scared, but not scared enough to go tell his boss to assign this weirdo to someone else. "That's none of your business, Ted.", he said, almost stuttering.

He gently took Ted by the arm and pulled him off the bed, then he took out a pair of handcuffs and put them around his wrists behind his back. "Let's go to the office.", he said.

Nicky sighed as he pulled out something else from his coat.

A syringe filled with a dark blue liquid.

"Unfortunately, I'm required to do this so patients don't get fussy.", he said to his patient. But Ted just smiled at him.

"Oh don't worry about it, Nicky.", he said.

Nicky hesitated for a moment, then he slowly dug the needle into Ted's arm.

Nicky held Ted as he fell a bit limp on his side, half carrying him to the therapy office.

As they sat across from each other in the office, Nicky took notes as Ted began telling his story.

"My wife died in a car accident a few years ago. She was with child, and the impact of the crash killed her and my child.", he said, looking down at his lap. "After that, I started trying to take random children around my neighborhood, and...that's why I'm here."

Nicky couldn't help but feel a little bit bad for the poor man.

This patient had lost his family, so he tried to replace it to fill that empty space in his heart,...in his own horrible way.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Ted.", he said.

Then out of nowhere, Ted started crying and burying his face in his hands.

"I'm all alone! I'm all alone!", he kept screaming.

Nicky threw his pad and pen down next to him and walked over to Ted. "Mr. Peterson, calm down.", he said. He wrapped his arms around him, "It's alright, sir. You're not alone, at least not right now. Please calm down, Ted."

Miraculously, Ted did calm down.

He relaxed in Nicky's arms, and Nicky was about to let go, but then Ted wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

Nicky smiled, happy that he was able to calm him down. But then he said something that completely surprised Nicky.

"My son."

Nicky's eyes widened, completely shocked.

"Did he just call me his son?", he thought.

He wanted to tell him that he wasn't his son, that he was just stuck in a delusion.

But he didn't want to make him angry, so he just stayed silent.

After a while, he gently pried the arms away from his waist. "I think we're making some great progress.", he said. "I'm proud of you, Ted."

Ted smiled, "Thank you, Nicholas."

During the following month, Ted and Nicky started seeing each other more often. They spoke to each other more, and Nicky was sure he was getting better.

He still felt kind of weird whenever Ted called him his son, but he didn't want to upset his patient, so he just let him call him whatever he wanted.

Then at one of their sessions, he accidentally let slip the history of his parents. How his father killed his mother and then himself.

When Nicky said that, he slapped his head over his mouth. Ted stared at him for a moment, then he nodded and looked down at his lap.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Nicholas.", he said. "Looks like you and I have something in common."

Nicky looked at his patient, completely confused.

"We both lost our families, and we're both trying to fill that space.", he said. "You with your patients, and me with you. You're so young, so trusting, and that's what I love about you Nicholas."

Nicky clenched his fists, feeling a little afraid. "What do you mean by that, Ted?", he asked.

"You have a child's heart and soul.", said the patient. "I must have you. I don't want you to be my doctor, I want you to be my son."

Nicky felt his heart beat faster and faster with every word that came out of Ted's mouth. He quickly stood up, "I think we're done here.", he said. But just as he was about to leave, Ted grabbed his arm, squeezing it so hard he was sure it was going to leave a bruise.

"Ted, let me go.", Nicky said, his voice trembling, but not like he was about to cry.

"Don't leave me, Nicholas.", said Ted, "I don't want to be alone again. I won't let you leave me.", he went from desperate speaking to angry growling.

"I said let go of me!"

Nicky finally managed to pull his arm free from Ted's grip.

He rubbed his arm, not looking at his patient. "Look, Ted. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice.", he said. "Just please keep your hands to yourself for the foreseeable future. I don't want to put handcuffs on you every therapy session."

Ted had his fists clenched, he looked down at his lap to hide his menacing face. "Of course, Nicky. I apologize."

Nicky left the office, still rubbing his arm. He made a mental note to talk to his boss about assigning Ted a new doctor.

After a week or so, Nicky didn't see much of Ted. What's weird was that he felt a little relieved, and a little upset.

He knew Ted was in a deep delusion that he was his son, and he knew he tried to hurt him their last therapy session, but he couldn't help but miss Ted a little bit.

He thought about him a little bit as he ate his dinner.

Then he nearly jumped out of his seat when he heard the alarm sound through the entire building. He ran out of the break room, and saw that every single member of the staff was in a panic.

"What happened?! What's going on?!", he asked.

One of the nurses answered, "One of the patients made a jailbreak!", she said. "Cell number 514 was found empty this evening."

Nicky's eyes widened in shock.

That was Ted's cell number.

Still panicked, he ran to cell 514 and searched all around the room, making sure that Ted was missing.

He clutched the sides of his head, feeling the world begin to spin.

"Oh God!", he whispered. "Oh God, oh no, oh no!"

Just then, he felt two big, strong arms wrap around his arms and waist, then he felt himself being hoisted over someone's shoulder. Immediately, Nicky began panicking and flailing.

"PUT ME DOWN!", he screamed, "LET ME GO! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME! ANYBODY!"

Then he felt something sharp prick his neck. His eyes widened, then everything around him went dark.

When he woke up, his head felt heavy. Too heavy to sit up, he just turned his head around, and his eyes widened in fear when he realized he was strapped down to a bed.

He started struggling and trying to get out of the straps, but to no avail.

"Hello?!", he called out. "Someone help me! Please! Anybody! I'm trapped!"

Just then, he saw a light come from the top of a set of stairs. Someone walked through the door, down the stairs, and straight to the bed Nicky was strapped down to.

"Good morning, darling."

It was Ted.

Nicky's patient.

Once again, Nicky started struggling again. "Theodore, get me out of this!", he said. Ted shook his head.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I can't do that.", he said. "I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

Ted's eyes turned darker, and he grabbed Nicky's cheeks and made him turn to look at him.

"Don't speak to me like that, young man. I am your father, and you will treat me with respect."

Nicky felt his eyes fill with tears. Ted let go of his face and wiped the tears that fell down his cheeks away. "Don't cry, honey. Daddy won't hurt you, I just want you to behave."

Nicky looked away from him, moving his face away from Ted's gentle hand. "Please let me go.", he whimpered.

Ted gave Nicky a gentle kiss on his forehead, "I'm sorry, dear. I can't do that. You might try to run from me or hurt yourself. I don't want that.", he said. His words only made Nicky cry more.

Ted continued wiping away the tears that fell from his eyes.

"Don't cry, love.", he said. "As soon as I'm sure you're adjusted enough to the rules, I'll consider letting you go."

Nicky nodded, admitting defeat.

After a few months, Nicky started getting adjusted to Ted's little delusion, feeling it as his only way to make sure Ted wouldn't hurt him.

But soon, he started drowning in his head and started genuinely believing that he was Ted's son. Every strand of his sanity slowly slipped away.

Ted eventually did unstrap him from the bed, but didn't let him out of the room.

He only let him out whenever he wanted to spend some quality time with his son, and when he did, he heavily sedated him so he'd be too weak to try and escape.

One night, Nicky was playing with a couple of toy cars, and then he heard Ted come into the room. Then he felt a kiss on his forehead.

"It's time for bed, dear.", said Ted, "You go over to the bed, I'll strap you down in a minute."

Nicky slowly stood up, and Ted gently took his hands and held him against his chest.

"Yes, daddy.", said Nicky, sounding almost emotionless.

[shes4twnksinatrnchct]

Hell of a Show

Jake Kiszka x fem oc

Fifteen years after resigning from Greta Van Fleet, for reasons undisclosed to the public, Coley Payne is asked by her former band members to tell her side of the story.

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI, explicit language, angst, fluff, first love, drug and alcohol abuse, mental health struggles, character death, familial grief, reference to sexual situations, *explicit sexual situations (smut warnings will be mentioned pertaining to each chapter it occurs in).

Please keep in mind this is a work of fiction and enjoy!

***LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED***

Prologue

2039

His shaky fingers curl around the key in the ignition, freeing it and shutting the car off as the sun glares down on him through the windshield. 

The blonde brick of the quaint house fills him with an anxious dread because of who resides within its walls—and perhaps it wouldn’t be weighing so heavy on his heart if the last time he saw her hadn’t ended the way it did. 

The blacked-out shades of his sunglasses pair perfectly with his blank expression, a heavy breath leaving him as he gets out and shuts the door. 

A familiar brunette is walking back to the front porch from the mailbox, already thumbing through a stack of envelopes and picking one out. 

“She’s not gonna read it.” Collins informs her aunt’s ex-boyfriend, handing the unread letter to him. 

Glancing down at it, he sees it’s from Sam. 

Their last ditch effort to coax Coley back into the limelight has been on the cusp of communicating via carrier pigeon being that she threatened to start blocking phone numbers if anyone else mentioned a word to her about it. 

Josh, Sam, and Danny have all extended invitations and Olive Branches—though the latter has been unnecessary because her leaving wasn’t messy or disrespectful. 

Contrary to popular belief amongst fans, there was no big catastrophe that got Coley kicked out. 

In fact, it would have been easier on Jake if there had been. 

And, now, his only saving grace for showing up unannounced at her house is that he’s the only one who hasn’t tried to contact her. 

“Is she home?” He asks the young woman, Collins stepping onto the front porch. 

“She is.” She flatly tells him. 

“Can you let her know I’m here?”

Collins turns to look at him, briefly. 

The last time Coley and Jake spoke in person was the weekend of Elton John’s 90th birthday celebration she and Collins attended—along with the guys. 

That was two years ago, and though Collins never knew the details of their reunion, she could put two and two together when her aunt  stormed into their hotel room the next morning in nothing but the shirt Jake had worn the night before, ferociously packed her things, and told her niece,“We’re leaving. Now.”

“I don’t know. Are you gonna piss her off again?” Collins quips, furrowing her brows. 

Though she’s only about twenty years older than she was back then, she’s still that smart-mouthed kid that would kick him out of his own bed in the middle of the night to curl up next to her aunt—her and her younger brother, both. 

“That’s the only reason I’ve been placed on this Earth.” He tells her somewhat impatiently. 

She rolls her eyes and steps inside the house, calling out, “Aunt Coley!”

“Yeah?!” He hears her say back.

A box fan is the only sound in the house aside from the low speaking of the TV from the living room while the heat from summer infiltrates the home in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. 

She sweeps her dirty blonde hair off of her neck, pulling it into a clip while following the sound of her niece’s voice and breezing by the narrow table in the hallway that’s stacked with recent months-worth of letters she’s been ignoring from former close friends—along with the phone calls and texts she’d magically forget to return. 

“There’s a man here to see you.” Collins informs her with a lack of enthusiasm. 

“HVAC?” Coley inquires with relief, having been battling the fight of no air conditioning for days, now. 

He feels as if he’s going to faint the closer her steps grow to the front door, his breath growing all the more complicated to keep steady as her voice permeates through the house. 

“Unless your ex-boyfriend started a new career—no.” She replies. 

A smile takes his features hostage at the sound of Coley’s laugh, a sound he’s missed more than he’d been able to put into words for the last fifteen years—instead scrambling to hear it in the joy of other women and hoping that it’d make him as happy, to no avail. 

Coley laughs because she assumes Collins is just bullshitting her, and the stir in Jake’s gut worsens when she abruptly stops upon realize it’s not a joke. 

“What?” 

“He’s outside. He told me to tell you he’s here.” The younger woman shrugs, watching her aunt’s face display a multitude of emotions—settling on one of ornery frustration. 

The door swings open, only leaving a screen door between the two of them. 

Blue eyes go wide, the wind being beat out of her the moment she sees him. 

Immediately, she’s snapping around to make sure Collins hasn’t followed her to be nosy. 

Before Jake can properly explain the reason for his visit, her nostrils are flaring, and she’s hissing out a sharp, “Seriously? They sent you?” while she opens the door and steps onto the porch with her arms crossed.

Irritation leaks from her pores as she stares up at Jake and waits for him to say anything back. 

He’s too focused on the fact that she seemingly appears to look even better than she did the last time they saw one another, aging like fine wine. 

The explanation he planned to present has evaporated from his mind, and the longer he looks at her, the more dumb he feels himself become. 

“Hi,” Is all he can muster, just like the last time he’d been face to face with her despite the fact it was the first time in thirteen years they’d crossed paths. 

Only the lack of conversation last time was easier to blame on the amount of people present, that is until they both got a couple drinks in themselves and slipped from the crowd. 

Now, it’s only the two of them, bright eyed and sober, and Jake can’t manage more than one syllable. 

Coley’s just as disoriented, only she’s better at hiding it, disguising it in anger when she asks, “What the hell are you doing here?”

It’s now that Jake has to regain his balls and composure, clearing his throat. 

“I was in town and thought I’d swing by.” He rubs his nose, not even trying to hide his nervousness with being confronted by her so directly.

“You were in town?” She inquires, raising her brows.

The tone of her voice and bitchy expression on her face melts him out of his passive shyness, his eyes narrowing at her. 

“Yeah.” Jake states, leaving no room for doubt, but Coley finds one reason not to buy his bullshit…

“You were casually in town four hours away from your home?” She flatly asks, next. 

“You’re not gonna invite me inside?” He avoids her question blatantly, a smirk coming to his lips that further stokes at her vexed demeanor. 

“I don’t let strangers in my house.” She’s quick to rebuttal. “Especially when they’re here to harass me on their brother’s behalf because he can’t accept a simple, ‘no’.” 

“You were expecting Josh to accept, ‘no’?” Jake scoffs, a dark brow darting upward over his sunglasses. 

“Being that we’re all at the grown age of forty-three? Yeah, Jake. I did expect him to.” 

Ignoring her strike, he states, “You look good,” while shamelessly eyeing her. “Are you getting shorter?”

“You look tired.” Coley fires back. “You should probably lay off the booze. And the pot. And the road.” 

Her last line has a bite to it that he can admit is somewhat warranted with their past. 

“That was my plan until I had to come down here and make sure you were alive.” Scoffing it out, he glances around the yard—never having seen her house for himself. 

Coley watches him do so, using his distracted disposition to take a moment to appreciate his own good looks. 

He’s still keeping his hair long, and his facial hair thicker, and his skin is still disgustingly wrinkle-free despite the sun he’s soaked in through the years. 

“Well, I’m alive.” She says, her tone rushing him to finish up and leave, but he continues taking his time. “And well.” 

He’s looking down at her again with the last addition to her reassurance. 

“Are you?” 

“Yes.” Coley nods. 

“Hmm.” 

“‘Hmm’? Why are you ‘hmm’ing? What’s there to ‘hmm’?” She demands, next, her eyes narrowing at him as the words topple out of her and her head shakes. 

“I mean, adamantly avoiding your friends is not the actions of someone who’s well.” 

“I’m not avoiding anybody. I’m just avoiding whatever it is Josh and Constance are working on.” Coley informs him, her mouth spitting out the name of their former manager while simultaneously handling his brother’s with care. 

“It’s not just Josh and Connie. All of us are involved—” He informs her, throwing his hand out to gently grasp her arm when she lets out a sarcastic laugh and turns to go back inside as he adds, “—And we don’t feel comfortable speaking for you.” It’s finished out genuinely, Coley glaring at the black screens over his eyes, fighting to see the brown of his irises through them while he forces himself to drop her arm. 

“Then don’t. It’s not anybody’s business what happened. That’s why I’ve gone out of my way not to talk about it publicly.” She reminds him. 

Without explicitly mentioning their last conversation, she once again takes a dig at him. 

It’s the source of such hostility, between years wasted on him and tears cried over him. 

But he can easily blame her for the same sins that she blames him for—which all boil down to simply wanting different things. 

He clenches his jaw briefly as he swallows his pride and starts, “Coley, I was an ass the last time we spoke—” He stops when she pulls his sunglasses from his eyes to make him look her in the eyes upon the realization he’s about to apologize, and he watches as she tosses the shades to the chair sitting close to the door, biting his tongue when she crosses her arms again and peers up at him. “—I can admit that, and I can say, ‘I’m sorry,’ but you’re not completely blameless in all of this either.” 

“And this is why I’m not speaking about this shit.” She argues. “Because you still have it in your head that me leaving the band for  my family was some unforgivable trespass.”

“You leaving the band wasn’t something that needed forgiveness—but it wasn’t just the band you left, was it?” He asks calmly, knowing that he has her pinned, and has always had her pinned with the question that she still refuses to acknowledge fifteen years later. 

“Get back in your car, drive off to Nashville, or whatever interstate you won’t stay off of, and leave me alone.” She says, turning again to open the door but he kicks his boot out to shut it once more. 

“Coley.” He mumbles and she shakes her head and won’t look at him, teary eyes keeping on the door inches from her face. “Look, nobody  sent me here, okay? I just…” He trails off as he tries to put into words what he’s trying to say. “…Kayce called me after Connie reached out to him trying to get in contact with you about it and I got worried.” 

Of course her oldest nephew had turned to Jake after Coley explicitly stated she didn’t want to talk about it. 

Kayce and his little brother Rhett had spent more time trying to convince their aunt to participate in whatever documentary Josh had been cooking up about the band ever since the singer had mentioned it two years prior. 

“He thinks it’s important that you talk about it, because the more you don’t, the more people take it as an opportunity to believe whatever made-up bullshit they’ve created to explain it for themselves. And I agree with him completely. We all do. What’s out there is so far from the truth, and it's not fair to you.”

She doesn’t reply immediately, knowing the point he's making is a good one, having her own various frustrations with the lies being spun around her departure from the group.

They'd all been reading lies for years surrounding why she left the band: imaginary tales of her drug addiction issues, how difficult she had been to work with, and her lack of talent which resulted in dead weight the three instrumentalists had to carry--all of which were completely alleged, only being speculated by people who either had nothing better to do, or begrudged individuals who Coley perhaps wasn't the nicest to for good reason.

She had always kept her mouth shut and just let everyone talk, requesting that her niece and nephews, family, friends, and former bandmates do the same...

And here's her opportunity to speak up for herself, in her own words, with the support and backing of her former bandmates--making her words, their words.

Jake isn't going to grovel with her, not having the energy to at the moment, and relents.

Removing his foot from the door to free her, he steps to grab his sunglasses so he can leave. 

Coley turns to face him while he walks away, and as he's stepping down the stairs of her front porch, he comes to a halt when she finally asks, “How long is all of this going to take?”

1 YEAR LATER

In 2012, rock band Greta Van Fleet was born from the outskirts of Frankenmuth, Michigan.

The original line-would exchange and expand to consist of founder Jacob Kiszka (Lead Guitarist), his brothers: Samuel Kiszka (Bassist), and Joshua Kiszka (Lead Vocalist), as well as Daniel Wagner (Drum Kit), and Coley “C.J.” Payne (Rhythm Guitarist, Backing Vocalist).

In 2024, the established group of five would shift, as Payne would announce her departure from the band.

Neither Greta Van Fleet, nor C.J. Payne made a comment on the matter, initially.

The silence was only broken when C.J. gave her only on-record citing of her split the year to follow.

When asked why she took her final bow with the band, Payne stated: “Our differences were more irreconcilable than artistic.”

Fifteen years later, Greta Van Fleet is disclosing for the first time publicly why her run with them came to an end…

Six scenes are laid out separately, taking place in six separate locations–one at a lakehouse in Michigan, two occurring in Tennessee—East Nashville, and Pigeon Forge—the fourth is a house in California, the fifth an office in Detroit, and, finally, a golf resort in Florida…

CONSTANCE LOBATTI (former manager): I worked closely with the band as they toured from 2017 to 2024. They were great fun to work with and had a very chaotic way about them, but they also tried to be respectful of management so they were easy to get along with. Well…the boys were pretty easy to get along with.

JOSH KISZKA (Vocals, Greta Van Fleet): Where’s my fucking camera? Oh, oh, yes I see now. I need to take these glasses off, anyway—I don’t want to come across too prestigious…is someone bringing me a beverage?

SAMUEL KISZKA (Bass, Greta Van Fleet): …So…we can say anything about each other, and nobody’s gonna sue for defamation? Can we confirm that?

DANIEL WAGNER (Drums, Greta Van Fleet): None of this screams “PR nightmare” at all.

JAKE KISZKA (Lead Guitar, Greta Van Fleet): This is kind of a loaded conversation to be having at 6:12 in the evening, isn’t it?

COLEY PAYNE (Rhythm Guitar, Greta Van Fleet): Whose idea was this, again?

[arinzu]

The angst story was great! İf that's okay with you can you please make an ending in which the reader doesn't forgive her big brothers? (If I was in the reader's place I wouldn't forgive them for what they did to my mental health and the wasted years that we could spend happily couldn't ever come back again.)

Omg tysm! and ofc

Part 1 l Part 2 l

Why should i forgive you...?

Summary : 23 years since you've been isekai'd to this universe, you had cut off the itoshi brothers out of your life. But they appear at your doorstep.

No ships! everything is platonic, angst, this is very messy, isekai'd reader!

Credits to the owners of the dividers! this fanfic style is from @chateaaa

You were peacefully trying to make another machine, the device you were making is a 'teleportation device', you note that if you continue to make the device at this rate while having a day off every week.

You'll be able to finish it in your early 30's...

It's much more complicated than making the time travel machine, you had to make in pocket size fot to use government at will.

You suddenly heard your doorbell rang, you were suspicious so you got your security cameras and zoom in towards the front door.

'...'

'What the...'

'Why the fuck are they here!?' you scream to yourself internally, shock by seeing the itoshi brothers infront of your doorstep.

You took off your lab coat and started running towards the front door, your mind started racing with possibilities on what they will say to you.

it seems the hallways is massive the more you ran towards the front door. Most of all you felt nauseous.

But the thing... that is how did they find you?

You remember after you graduated collage you dyed your hair, wear contact lenses.

And even change your legal name to something else, it's all so they wouldn't find you and can't contact you, it's all because to not felt what you felt that winter night.

You didn't even notice that you were already at the door.

'What should i do?'

'Maybe i should pretend to not know them.'

'it could be by coincidence...'

You opened the door with a smile.

"good day, i'm-"

"Cut the crap (reader)'' One of the brothers spoke up.

You stayed silent surprise by sae's vulgar statement, you froze up but still giving a smile.

"I think your at the wrong house, there's no reader in this house."

"We know it's you (reader)"

You saw no point to keep your act up, you drop the smile and started to glare at them, they took it by surprise they didn't expect your reaction at all.

You tried to hold yourself back but you were only human.

"What do you what from me? the person you felt disgusted to" You ask them crossing your arms.

They were taller than when you last saw them, if you remember correctly the blue lock project ended a few years ago.

Rin is 24 while Sae is 26 but they didn't look a day older than the last you saw them.

"(reader), were sorry for saying those things that night"

'Unbelievable' you thought to yourself, at least they apologize...

"You didn't deserve what we did to you" rin added, his face looking guilty.

You nodded and tried to slam the door in their faces, you couldn't stand looking at them for another moment longer. A feeling you never wanted to experience while with them, disgust.

"Hey wait!" rin shouted out once he notice you were about to close the door.

"What?" you asked stopping yourself from shutting the door.

"Can you forgive us?"

"No." you responded, as they were about to to replied you cut them off.

"First of all i can't just forgive, i will never forgive you for what you have done to me. "

"Did you know how much time i wasted trying to mend our relationship!?"

You finely blew up on them. All your anger and frustration aimed towards them.

"Second of all, i despite you both for being the one who cause me pain, i had to get therapy because of you both."

"I like you both as people, i respect you both as being one of the most best people at football. But i hate you both for being my older brothers."

"You both were right, your disgusted of me being your little sister, while im disgusted calling you my older brothers."

"That's all to it, congrats on your guys wins, but we won't have a siblings relationship. Ever, goodbye itoshis"

You shut the door in their faces without a second thought, you breath a sigh of relief of finally letting all of your emotions go. You were harsh but atleast they seemed to understand your desicion.

Yup this is it, i think it was basic asf but tysm for requesting, i woke up at 1 pm when i saw your request at wrote this fic at 3 pm, i will prob not add another ending but if i get a request i will :D

[electronicnutcycle]

Hiii, how you doin? I hope you still take requests for Motley Crue, i kind of have an idea in mind lol. Basically the reader is Tommy's younger sister who has a huge crush on Vince and one time the two of them (reader and Vince) hook up and Tommy finds out. And he's like pissed as hell cause he's protective. Sooooo angsty but kind of a fluffy ending idk how to explain 😭🙏 I hope it's not too complicated. Love ya and thanks! 💋

Description: You're Tommy Lee's younger sister , one day he brings the band over to practice and you immediately started to crush on Vince Neil , the lead vocalist. You two started having sex at a party and as the months went on , you continue to have sex with him. One day though tommy finds out and goes BALLISTIC on Vince.

Pairing: Vince Neil x reader

Warnings: Mentions of sex , angst but the story ends with fluff , etc. (lmk if i miss something)

It all started when your older brother , Tommy Lee brought over his fellow bandmates for band practice and as you laid eyes on the lead vocalist Vince Neil. You had immediately fallen in love with Vince , but whenever you tried to talk to Vince or any of the other members of the band that wasn't him , he would quickly shut down the conversation and tells you to piss off. Despite the warnings by your brother to never flirt to his bandmates , let alone even talk to them . but here you are at a party , which was usual for the band at this point and time , having sex with the lead vocalist and very much enjoying it. The next day you woke up in his bed , realizing this you smirked knowing damn well that my brother would be pissed .

Luckily you had gotten home before anyone had noticed that you weren't home last night . Yet as the months went on and you and Vince continued to fuck you both started to get cocky and started trying less to hide what you two were doing which was your undoing. Because one day as you two were starting to hook up , you were caught mid hook up by Tommy and lets just say , chaos ensued. In a split of a second , Tommy had punched Vince square in the jaw and as the blonde fell back in shock , Tommy pounced onto him and continued to throw punches and scratch at Vince. For a few seconds you were frozen in shock , but immediately you jumped into action by coming between the two men . Which wasn't a good idea in hindsight as they were angry men who were twice as tall but it worked as the two men stopped throwing punches upon seeing you in between them. Tension and adrenaline were thick in the air , the only sound was heavy breathing. A few minutes go by and Tommy storms out of the bathroom without a word, you sigh as you bend down to the cabinet under the sink to get the first aid kit knowing that Vince and Tommy would need it.

After you fixed up Vince you and the blonde , who you advised to stay behind you just in case it got messy again . When you two found where Tommy was , he looked worse for wear despite being the one to start the fight. Before you entered the room where Tommy was , you looked back at Vince and motioned for him to stay back. As you entered the room where the brunette was with the first aid kit in hand , you finally got a good look at him and saw the bloody nose , scratches and the bruises that were starting to form. "Hey Tom" you whispered as you sat down Infront of him “hey” . Whilst you took care of him and chat you found out that what you already knew . Tommy is just a protective brother who didn’t want his bandmates to hurt his little sister . Eventually Vince came in and luckily no other fights started . After some time you had finally bandaged both of them up and they mend up and Tommy allowed Vince and you to date and have sex without beating each other up about it , of cause only if he doesn’t break your heart.

A/N: Thank you anon for the request I honestly loved writing it and I hope you and anyone who reads this enjoys it . So sorry for it being posted late the last few days of mental health and writers block has been beating me to a pulp , but here it is!.

[dr-spectre]

Ranting about the Splatoon Fandom Wiki....

I wanna quickly make fun of the Splatoon fandom wiki because like most fandom wikis, it's covered with ads unless you use an adblocker, is poorly formatted, poorly structured, has less info than Inkipedia, doesn't update frequently, has missing information, and genuinely is less "professional" than Inkipedia. It also just copies and pastes info from Inkipedia too so there's that as well... I'm not exactly sure how fandom wiki works and how the moderation works but it seems scattered and not good enough by any means.

Like Callie's page for example has this weird ass paragraph that says Callie was left unstable after Splatoon 2??? And it contains a lot of errors and a very weird subjective piece of text in what is supposed to be an objective as possible page, cause you know, ITS A WIKI!!!

She wants to splat shielded Octarians over and over again because that's just in line with her character, she's energetic and silly, she doesn't give a fuck that you need to go behind them to attack them better, she's just gonna splat them up front with her roller, that's just who she is, she represented team Show No Mercy in Splatoon 1 for a reason. Also that dialogue is cut off from what she actually says to further paint this idea that Callie is some broken unstable girl who was a victim of kidnapping and forced brainwashing, for some fucking reason i don't know. I can't even seem to find the original dialogue they stated because THEY DON'T LINK SOURCES!!! HOW DOES A WIKI NOT PROVIDE SOURCES TO THEIR QUOTES!?!?? WHAT!?? I tried checking Inkipedia and even they don't have this dialogue from Callie, so idfk man. All I know is that the dialogue was cut off. Ugh...

From my memory i don't even recall Callie having a new facial animation where her pupils shrink, or it's just so incredibly minor that it's not worth bringing up at all. She also wasn't smiling to hide her panic when her grandfather was kidnapped and insulting Mr. Grizz what the fuck? She was frowning when Cuttlefish dried up and died for a moment!! She was UPSET! and didn't hide it at all! What the hell?! Also facial animations in Splatoon work by the characters swapping between different mouth presets in quick succession, you can see it for yourself when you watch the Idols perform and sing, their mouths don't move smoothly and it makes sense because their language is just gibberish and clipped together audio clips. You can't animate that smoothly unless you spent an INSANE amount of time to animate their mouths incredibly smoothly to match the intentional gibberish and messy vocals. And you gotta do that for EVERY. CUTSCENE. IN. THE. STORY. MODE. That's why the developers just do the cheaper and simpler option to save on time, money and labour.

The "Plenty!" line in response to Shiver's "what is wrong with you?" Is most likely a reference to her quote on quote "airheaded" personality and a subtle nod at her putting the shades back on again and again.

Callie does seem to have mental health issues but it wasn't caused by some "brain warping evil shades oooo", it was due to various things prior to that. Waking up very early in the morning every single day and working non stop, getting harassed by paparazzi, being incredibly lonely and having a strained relationship with someone you used to care about would fuck up anyone's mental health and cause you to overthink and make bad decisions, like join the Octarians and end up wanting to adopt their ideals due to not wanting to go back to your old life and having to deal a fractured relationship with a family member that you think insulted you multiple times on live television, and those feelings and that darkness inside your heart get further amplified by hypnotic shades that cause the restraints in your head to finally break through. But i digress....

Another BIG issue with the fandom wiki is that it's not updated at all, it's extremely outdated, you can check for yourself, find your favorite Idol or character and see if they have the latest info on them, chances are, they don't.

Marina's page is missing Side Order information and new songs.

Shiver's is missing a LOT of gallery and Splatfest information. (No info on Suffer No Fools and "What would you do at world's end?" Splatfest)

Same with Frye. (Frye has the most up to date info on her Splatfest wins and loses yet Shiver doesn't? Huh?)

DJ Octavio's page spreads the incorrect narrative that he uses music to directly control Octarians which has been proven false.

Inkipedia gets it right by saying it's more like propaganda and military marches.

(Although i have my own personal issues with how sometimes Inkpedia talks about Hypno Callie but at least they bothered to include the god damn relationship chart in her page.)

Yeah the Splatoon fandom wiki is just.... bad man. it's awful. It's dogshit. Sometimes i see it as the top result when i search for characters and other Splatoon related content, i don't want casual fans and newcomers to go on that website which has false and outdated information. Please give all the support you can to Inkipedia. It's incredibly rich in information and updates fairly quickly. As a game wiki it's insanely well put together and one of the best wikis out there. It's amazing. If you want to do a wiki scroll and you're mildly interested in Splatoon then it's a great place to get lost for a while and spend some time in.

I just wanted to do a little ranting is all right now. I know that a large majority of people in the community don't like the fandom wiki and Inkipedia is superior by 10000000x but. I just wanted to rant a little. Get my thoughts out there. I'm too attached to a certain cephalopod woman to let poor information about her slide under the radar.

[iwriteasfotini]

I'm feeling a bit like Fred Gailey from the 1947 version of A Miracle on 34th Street.

Fred Gailey: [Your Honor] We intend to prove that Mr. Kringle *is* Santa Claus.

Me: Your Honor, I intend to prove Wolfstar and Jegulus were canonically possible.

I mean we all know at the end of the day it's fiction, about as real as Santa Claus. But allow your imaginations to expand beyond the restrictive suffocation of canon at face value. Embrace some cultural diversity and time period attitudes which align with our current time NOT the 1970s. Because I don't want to read about a bunch homophobia and closeted folks in the 1970s. I could go to Barnes and Noble for plenty of that nonsense.

My heart and soul needs this and I know I am not alone. I have no problem with other shippers denying my credibility. We all have our soul ships. This story is born of canon, of twenty years of being a massive Potterhead, and of an astrological miracle (some might call it fate). I'm praying to the stars it works because I NEED TO BELIEVE.

Check out my pinned post for more info. November folks!!! Hold tight, for this journey kicks off on AO3 in 14 weeks.

Now I've gotta go write.

P.S. I love Lily. She's a BAMF. But James needs someone to shower tender loving care onto. My HC Lily grows out of that shite real early.

P.S.S. Sirius was a good brother and basically relied on caring for other people to mask his own mental health issues. Who does Sirius passionately care for: Regulus (until he goes to Hogwarts), Remus (while at Hogwarts and into adulthood but things get messy), and Harry (until his last breath).

And who does Regulus try to care for as a result of Sirius' love: everyone else except Voldy.

[nothingunrealistic]

prompt 49

49. “Why do you insist on it?”

Dear Evan Hansen,

At the new facility. They took my phone at intake. So much for “tranquility.” I’m typing on my suitemates’ secret iPhone 6. They let me borrow it if I agreed to suck —

“Really?”

“What?” Jared pouts. It might work better if it wasn’t over FaceTime, on Evan’s secondhand iPhone, propped up against his thirdhand laptop. “I was going to say ‘suck eggs for their grandmas.’”

“No, you weren’t.”

“Whatever.”

Hey, before I go, I wanted to know: did you check with Jared Kalwani — the genius sound tech Jared Kalwani — to see if he can hang out? ‘Cause I have no doubt he’d be a great friend to me too —

“Okay, no, Jared.” Evan hits Ctrl-A and deletes the half-written email. “That doesn’t work.”

“That was a literary masterpiece. How does it not work?”

“Well, the rehab stuff is, it’s too depressing.”

“Yeah. It’s rehab.”

“The Murphys won’t want to read it. And you can’t keep trying to write yourself in. This is, like, the third time.”

“Why do you insist on it being all shiny happy codependency? Your friendship was so special and perfect that he didn’t even want to talk to anyone else?”

“Yes. That’s the story. We were best friends. I was his only friend.” Evan scratches his left arm, no longer broadcasting the best possible proof of that story. “You can’t just change it.”

“Uh-huh.” Jared’s eyes move over him, and Evan can tell he saw the scratching. “You do remember how this story ends, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Evan,” Jared says. “Dude. Connor’s dead. And it’s not because his life was going great. Everyone knows that.”

“So?”

“So people will expect to read the tormented musings of a guy in a downward spiral. Not rainbows and butterflies and tree facts to the very end. Maybe they haven’t thought of it yet, but they’ll get there.”

“That’s awful.”

“That’s the human condition. Rubbernecking and being glad it’s not you.”

“Just because you decided to put the emails online —”

“Because Alana told me to, after you begged me to run the Connor Project website —”

“It’s not that simple, okay? Things are messy and complicated, it’s, recovery is nonlinear —”

“Oh, good, someone’s reading the Mental Health Resources page after all. And here I told our glorious co-founder it was a waste of server space.”

“I just want to help the Murphys,” Evan says. That’s all he’s wanted to do, from the moment Mrs. Murphy first mentioned the orchard. It has to be. “That’s the point of all this. I don’t care what people online think.”

“You mean the people giving you all that money to build an orchard for Connor? You’re sure you don’t care what they think? Only about cheering up your fake family and your very real girlfriend?”

“I told you, we’re not — Zoe and I are just friends.”

“Totally. You’ve got a lot of friends these days.”

“Yeah,” Evan says. “It’s pretty nice. You should try it.”

Jared vanishes from the call, and Evan is left staring at the empty Google Doc on his laptop and his own reflection in his phone screen. Alone.

Until Zoe’s texts come in.

Larry is making dinner tonight

His cooking is actually edible

That sounds great

Not that I don’t like your mom’s cooking, but you know

Yeah, I know

See you soon

(prompts to write drabbles or longer stories)

[sleepy-crypt1d]

One of my favorite parts of COF that I find is commonly overlooked is the fact that it doesn't sanitized itself for a broader audience, it comes in with a message, with a story to tell that's hard to swallow with characters that are realistic and heartbreaking, and it doesn't apologize for this once.

Something interesting that occurred to me was how people who have never experienced severe mental health struggles view COF- the specific instance I'm thinking of is when I was explaining the plot to my mom, and had explained the different endings to her and how to get those endings, and what each one seemed to imply both for Simon and his relationship with those in his life, and her takeaway from the conversation was- "I don't like that the mentally ill main character becomes a killer. I don't like that he's the bad guy"

And this was interesting to me because, that's kind of the whole reason why I started to love Simon in the first place.

So infrequently are we shown mentally ill characters who do bad things yet still deserve redemption. Who still deserve to be treated as a person, because they are one. In a world that is becoming largely comfortable with the idea "bad person = deserves to die" it was insanely refreshing to see a character like Simon, who we see hurt people, who we see become obsessed and stalkerish and violent, gain redemption through healing. Through therapy and community and the belief from others that he will get better. That he isn't a lost cause.

In ending 2, one of the darker endings of the experience, we learn that Simon is alone. That his friends and family have all left him. That he's been abandoned due to his disability and general mental health struggles, and this was devastating to me. Upsetting to a degree that had me thinking about it for days afterward. Not helped by Simon's plea to Dr. Purnell to not feel bad because "not everyone can be saved". The way Simon views himself is much too similar to my own view of myself as someone who has struggled with similar issues.

As someone who was led down a path of harm due to untreated issues and still struggles with believing I "deserve" redemption.

Because I do, and so does he.

And it's always so upsetting seeing so many people who view victims as one note stories. As people who just cry sometimes and have trouble talking to people or get sad every once in awhile. Mental health is messy and hard to live with and life ruining at times, and this stripping of it's nuance is so frustrating to see happen over and over and over again.

Victims are not your savior story. They are not cookie cutter helpless children that need to be protected. Abuse and severe struggles do not make you stronger, they do not make you better, they do not magically make you more empathetic or loving and I'm fucking tired of that narrative. I'm tired of being talked over by people who've never experienced it or other victims who think they're the "good" ones because, well, they never did that which means anyone who did is horrible. I'm tired of stories of illness being sanitized for other people's comfort.

Victims can become perpetrators, that does not take away from their victim status. That does not change the fact that they still deserve help. That does not take away from their personhood. They are a human being that needs help, not a death sentence. Should they take accountability? Of fucking course. Does their trauma absolve them of wrongdoing? No. But I'm tired of people acting like cycles don't exist, like the second you act out on your trauma you're past saving.

Simon's story is perfect the way it is. A story of redemption and acceptance, of learning to live and grow and learn from past mistakes and find a way to live peacefully. To take responsibility and attempt to rekindle the relationships you lost, the ones you hurt.

Ending 4 and his admittance to the hospital, as well as his continued friendship with Sophie but acceptance of his loss of a romantic one, is heart breakingly bittersweet in a way that is hard for me to describe. Him getting better but living with what he's done, growing from it and learning to live anyways.

Another part of this is that, in his happy ending, in the ending where he does get better; he doesn't do it alone. Largely, the narrative of community is lost in these stories, how helpful a support system can be. Simon gets better because he has people there for him, because he has Purnell and Sophie and his mom looking out for him. He has his doctors and the staff at the hospital and people who know he can get better, that he's still a person deserving and capable of good.

People need people, and this seems an obvious note to me in the story of COF. Simon needs people. He needed people the entire time. Someone, anyone, to listen to him and give him the hand he needed.

And it's so refreshing to see a character like Simon still be loved and cared about and helped even when he was "the bad guy". Let mental ill characters be realistic. I'm begging you.

[wooahaes]

i wanna talk about it, so i'm gonna talk about it.

cw for death & loss of a family member, mental health issues, shitty family relationships, suicidal thoughts. just... it's a lot of my thoughts because i need to get them out, end of.

i knew what i signed up for when i told my parents i would be the one taking care of grandma when she entered into hospice. i grieved then, i think, and that's why i've been so... okay now, in a sense. like, it hurts, but it doesn't feel like a new pain. it feels like that phantom ache you get when you think about past heartbreak, or how i feel when i remember my long-time best friend and i aren't speaking to each other anymore because we just drifted apart. i think now i feel both guilty and relieved. relieved that she's no longer struggling because i know my grandma always hated feeling like she's a burden (she's not and she never was, no matter how often we told her this) and being so reliant on us.

and guilty because i had a breakdown in the days leading to her death because everything had weighed down on me so heavily. i hate the things i thought in the heat of the moment while i was sobbing one night after she'd gone to sleep, so angry because of how much things had changed. she was getting worse. the nurse had taken out the catheter because she just couldn't do it anymore, so i was constantly being called to help her with that. i was tired. i just wanted to sleep, and my sleep schedule became this ugly, messy thing of sleeping when i could and being called every 1-2 hours (3 if i was lucky, and i've never been lucky).

i feel guilty that dad was the one who found her. i don't think she struggled. i think it was just... one minute she was here, trying to sip a gatorade, and the next she was gone. i'm glad she didn't struggle. i'm glad she's no longer struggling, even though i miss her. i wish i had eaten dinner with her more often, but she always shooed me away because of that feeling of being a burden. i didn't want to argue with her, so i did what she asked for me. but it's so strange because dad found her, woke me up, and we just... the shock broke both of us, we both cried. he called my mother, i called hospice, and within an hour, we had calmed down and were working on what comes next.

and then an hour later, we were all sitting together with the hospice nurse, waiting for the funeral home to come and get her, and we were laughing over stories. it was so strange. it was almost like we had all moved on quickly, except no one had because there was this tension in the air. i think if we hadn't been laughing and talking, we would have been crying. i think i'm honestly grateful that we were laughing.

i told a lot of my close friends. i vaguely posted here because i knew i'd talk about it more later, but i told my friends pretty much outright. initially it was shock posting, of me breaking because it happened so suddenly. and then i talked more with people. i decided that i just wanted normalcy for the most part, that i'd reach out to people or talk with them all if i needed to talk.

it just feels so weird. life moves so fast. i just want it to slow down for a minute.

the funeral is this afternoon and i'm not going. my parents understood even though my mother won't stop bitching about how she wishes i would go so she doesn't have to. i know it's because it's physically hard for her to go, but she's not the one who spent almost 6 weeks caring for grandma around the clock. she's not the one who was emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of it, the one who woke up every day wishing to kill herself because all of the stress was getting to her.

our relationship was actually good for a minute, but now she's back to being the bitch she's always been. one of my friends said something about the way his step dad used to be: if he was having a bad day, then everyone had to feel the effects of it. and while he grew, my mother's always been this way and always will be this way. she's never going to change. if she was, she would have changed by now. she knows she's hurt me. she's asked for forgiveness not because she felt remorse, but because she's worried about not getting into heaven or whatever. i wish she'd just realize we're never going to agree on anything, so avoid those topics so that we can pretend we're fine because i leave and never speak to hr again. it's what i do.

we're moving into my grandma's house. it was left to us in the will, and now it feels weird to go through so many of her things. we've already made the decision to donate her clothes (she was a tiny woman and all of us are very much not tiny) to a women's shelter in our city. we're slowly going through things, figuring out what we're selling, what we're keeping, what just needs to be thrown out. it feels like no one else here cares even though i know my dad does. he's lost both of his parents now, after all. it's hard on him and he's never going to show it because he's never been an emotional man.

i'm so tired. i just want all of the hard parts to be over now.