#because I'd rather be deaf than sad

[bullshitpoetry]

When the thoughts get loud again,

When the heart starts to ache once more,

I turn up the volume and blast music into my ears.

And suddenly the world is okay for a little longer.

[msjoana]

31months

Time flies so fast now, We have now celebrated 31 months, but it is not the same as it was before. this month We have learned a lot, many mistakes have been made, bait, resentment, anger, and sadness have mixed together, but you chose to let go rather than fight. I remembered asking the Lord to get it to the point where I would be the one to do the wrong thing; I wanted to see how you would fight, but I made a mistake; you chose your anger over your emotions, and your emotions ate you up. Is it your fault that we're in this circumstance, or are you simply deaf? You can't blame me for being afraid of your love for me because I can't feel it or see it. You never gave me the impression that you could fight in any situation. You have emotions, you are upset, but can you think about me? that you think what I feel? I'd like to know whether you truly love me. I still love you very much, ups and downs with you I never left you, even if you did a lot of wrong things, I forgave you over and over. Even though I should be upset with you and pout, you know that my love overcomes me, and even when I'm hurt, I think more about how you'll feel because I love you so much that I can endure everything you do to me, even if it's wrong. But you are still the one I choose, I am ready to choose you, I accepted everything from you, I saw your good and bad sides, but even when I never spoke hurtful words to you, I even understand you better, and I never left you because It's just that I understand you, I'm the only one who believes in you because I know you and I love you, but did you make me feel that? Did you get what I was saying? I simply want you to understand, recognize that you made a mistake as well, don't blame me for everything, I love you so much. I only want to say that I will stay as long as I love you. I hope I still love you when you're healed and ready. Please don't wait for me to tire out since you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know we're no longer together, but thank you for the memories. I love you, and if you see this, please message me.

[laurasauras]

(disclaimer, i'm not D/deaf)

also worth noting that even within one sign language there won't always be perfect communication

sign languages have dialects. AUSLAN used in the south of australia has a different sign for coffee than in the north. YES this is inconvenient, especially when you're trying to learn sign online, but so is the fact that pots, pints and schooners mean different things in each of our states as well

no one who signs knows All The Signs and in fact most people are going to run into scenarios where they look at a sign that Most People Know and they just blank, exactly as people do with spoken language

the take away from all of these is exactly that, they're languages, not anything more mystical

there actually common signs across ASL, BSL, AUSLAN, and i assume other languages (hence international sign developing pretty naturally) but there are also signs that look the same and mean completely different things

another thing is that (at least in AUSLAN) many of the signs look like mimes for what they represent. two people communicating with signs are not necessarily able to hide the meaning from others who don't know sign around them, though i will say that most people who don't know them won't even bother to try to interpret them because enough of them aren't representative. still, it's not encoded. "jacket" in AUSLAN looks like someone putting on a jacket. "book" looks like someone holding a book. you get me

also, i don't know AUSLAN, i know a decent amount of KWS (key word sign), which is an augmented language used in combination with speech based on AUSLAN signs. basically, you sign the key words of the sentence as you speak. i learnt it because i work with at a school with kids with diverse communication needs, where being able to sign to emphasise/clarify speech is handy, as well as giving preverbal kids an opportunity to sign things like "finished" or "want". AUSLAN wouldn't work in my setting, and i'd be bloody lost if i was to mute my tv and rely on an AUSLAN interpreter

i guess i'd probably be as good at understanding someone using sign language towards me as i would be someone speaking german, which i learned in high school and have forgotten a lot of, but i think if i was communicating with a D/deaf person, my using signs of the key words as i speak would probably be pretty handy

when i was 20, probably older tbh, i thought that all sign language was the same. i'd learned how to fingerspell and sign "thank you" at primary school, and that was as much exposure as i had. i still don't have a lot of exposure to it, but i've benefited from learning what i have and i really recommend learning some of those key words in your native sign language

the fact that my young niece knows how to sign "finished" when she doesn't want something to be happening anymore makes it a lot easier to stop the thing before she starts crying, and that's more comfortable for everyone. the fact that she uses the ASL sign rather than the AUSLAN one is pretty sad though. her daycare educator means well, but probably saw the advice to teach signs from an american social media and didn't realise we have different ones

so yeah, if you didn't know that there's a hell of a lot more sign languages than ASL, this is in no way a guilt trip! take it as inspiration to learn a couple of words in your native sign. "thank you" alone is genuinely so useful (e.g. loud bar! across the room!) and even being in the habit of using more gesture makes it easier to communicate 💛

this is a niche one but instead of "they would not fuckin say that" it's "they would not fucking use American sign language".

ASL is not the only sign language. two british characters in your fanfiction would not be using ASL. England in fact has its own kind of sign language, BSL, that forms a sign family with many other sign languages around the world.

ASL isn't even the original member of its sign family, it comes from french sign language. do you know sign languages aren't related to spoken languages? that's an important one! it's not a direct 1:1 with people speaking English around the world. people in other countries don't learn ASL just in case they run into an usamerican or Canadian (who do often use it)

i know the entire world is the USA or whatever and sign languages do sometimes borrow from ASL for signs they don't have, but please be aware that there are other sign languages and families in the world that are not in fact ASL.

[showbiziz]

Spring Awakening Fandom Tag (answered by a diehard Wedekind 'Spring Awakening' fangirl)

(By @winter-asleepening )

1. how were you introduced to the show?

I read the Wikipedia synopsis back when I was sixteen, and was shocked - steered clear of it, but was curious about the source material. I read the original play when I was twenty-four, and fell madly in love with it. After that, I listened to some of the songs, just to compare the adaptation to the original - the music's definitely catchy. :) And I have some friends who've been in it, and other friends who like it a lot - I can appreciate the tunes (musically - not so much the lyrics, which sometimes are kind of cringe or don't make much sense, IMO).

2. Seen a production live?

No (I wouldn't feel comfy doing so), but I've seen a lot of 'slime tutorials,' especially of a production a few of my friends were in last spring (March 2022).

3. Dream role/character you relate to most

Wendla (in the OG play) - I love her optimism, thoughtfulness, and sweetness. She's the kind of girl I'd love to have as a friend (and she reminds me of my middle-school self).

4. Favorite male character

Hänschen (again, in the play) - he's a cynic with a heart of gold, such a cinnamon roll. I love the moment in Moritz's funeral scene when he calls out the other boys for bullying him. Second fave is OG Melchior; he's very cocky, clever, and rather charming - high-key reminds me of the boy I had a crush on in middle school, lol.

5. Favorite female character

Again, Wendla - if I have to pick a second fave, I'd say Ilse (in the play - she's a little loopy, but her heart's definitely in the right place).

6. Deaf West Revival or Original Broadway Cast?

Neither, actually - I'm partial to the cast my friends were in (it was a wonderfully talented group).

7. Favorite song

"My Junk" - singing it casually while doing housework this year has really improved my belt range. :)

8. Least favorite song

Like I've said, I'm not a fan of the musical (though I appreciate the songs' tunefulness), so I can't make a definitive call on this, but off the top of my head I guess it'd be "And Then There Were None."

9. Favorite quote/line

Ok - backstory: my friendship with my guy friend who played Hänschen in the 2022 production grew out of our discussion of the Desdemonalogue in the musical versus the play (I explained that he doesn't pleasure himself in the play), so because of that memory, I'm gonna say it's "Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?"

10. Favorite TV performance

"Bitch of Living" on Letterman is pretty good.

11. Favorite cast member(s)

None - although Lea Michele's voice is lovely (and she herself is beautiful - a cast mate in a show I was in back in 2010 told me I looked like her - I had no idea who she was then, but now I realize it was a compliment & I appreciate it). :)

12. Favorite cast member moment

I'm not versed in the cast lore.

13. Do you write fan fiction?

Nope.

14. Do you make fan art?

No.

15. Do you cosplay?

No.

16. Don’t do Sadness or Blue Wind?

I enjoy singing "Blue Wind," so I'll go with that.

17. Word of your body or the Reprise?

The Reprise - specifically as performed by my friend and his Ernst (another friend of mine). Yes, I'm a biased girlie. ;)

18. Touch Me or My Junk?

"My Junk" - because of how singing it's improved my voice and because of that discussion of it with my friend who played Hänschen.

19. Explain the song of purple summer

In Spring Awakening: Those You've Known, Steven Sater talks about how the purple is the "bruise of love" the (living) characters will be carrying with them for the rest of their lives.

20. Explain the song of purple summer (wrong answers only)

Sater was higher than a kite when writing it.

[romanoffsbish]

Fifteen

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader !!!

Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader(Bestie)

Wanda Maximoff x Vision (HS exes)

Wanda Maximoff x Carol Danvers (Wives)

Monica Rambeau x Fem!Reader(Divorced)

Misery x Fem!Reader

Sad Beautiful Tragic (MW x Taylor Swift Series)

High School AU

Next Half

Once your phone goes off, you reach out to shut it down, but the face illuminating your screen tells you that ignoring the call won't work well in your favor.

"Good evening sunshine!!! Piet and I will be by tomorrow at four to pick you up..." Your bestfriend, and business partner gleefully announces through the phone.

"Do I have to go?" You whined like a petulant child, as you pulled your blanket over your head in an attempt to block out the moonlight.

"Yes, now stop asking! We're going to show up looking fine as hell, and shove our success in all of their faces."

"Wands, sweetheart, with all do respect, I'm a divorcee, nearing her late twenties with nothing but a business to my name and a cat at home to give my love to. We both also know that Mr. Mittens would kill me if given the chance, so really what am I left with to show off...?"

"You have me, I love you, and most days I don't wish to kill you.."

"Well, I can't exactly show off my best friend, now can I?"

"You can though, Carol's going to be out of town, my parents will have Christina and Jackson, and I don't have social media so no one has to know the truth."

You giggle quietly to yourself at the mention of the beloved twins, the same ones that she named after a Grey's Anatomy binge session that took place as she was on bedrest. Carol's protests fell on deaf ears, and her glare fell upon you as you vehemently stood by Wanda's side.

"Me knowing is bad enough, plus I'm sure Monica will be there with her new husband, so she'd know too. I'd rather just show up as the pathetic loser who's so emotionally stunted by her first love, that she failed to move on."

"Nooo pity partying Y/N/N..." She tiredly singsongs, her Sokovian accent slipping right on through as she merges into a yawn.

"It's just known as a party for me." You sarcastically quip, and she loudly groans through the speaker.

"Get some sleep champ, I'll see you in less than eighteen hours." She concludes before promptly hanging up on you.

You roll over, acknowledging the late hour, and fall into a restless sleep, full of the memories of your high school years.

———

—————————————————————

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors, it's the morning of your very first day. You say "Hi" to your friends you ain't seen in a while, try and stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here, for the next four years in this town.

Hoping one of those seniors will wink at you and say:

"You know I haven't seen you around before."

—————————————————————

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

The Summer of '13 had proven to be a great one for you, as puberty had finally done right by you. You'd finally grown comfortable in your skin, and it honestly showed in the way you walked through the hallways of your new school with your head held high.

You'd gotten to see most of your friends throughout the hallways, even catching sight of your oldest friend Yelena Belova near your set of lockers. Over the years the two of you had drifted apart into smaller subgroups, but you still mingled on the regular. Seeing her excites you though, because that should mean her older sister Natasha is enrolled here as well.

"Y/N Y/L/N! I didn't see you at any of the parties this summer!" The blonde greets you with a playful scowl, and you wrap her up in a tight hug.

"Yeah, sadly mom sent us kids off to Connecticut for the summer, we only just got back last week. She said something like 'you three are driving me crazy' and next thing I know I'm on a bus." You relay, and she gasps.

"My mom would never trust Natasha and I alone on a bus."

"Well, I can't really blame Melina, have you met yourself?" You laugh out, while slamming your locker shut, and quickly stepping back before she can slap you.

"Watch yourself Y/L/N..." She grumbles, but you can hear the playfulness in her tone.

"See you around Belova."

"Don't be a stranger!!!" She shouts after you, and you throw up a thumbs up, and smile widely the whole way to your next class.

First period had been super easy as it was English, and you like to think you knew that language very well. On your way to second period you'd had your head down, and unintentionally collided with Vision Stark.

"Hey, watch where you're going froshy..."

You rolled your eyes hard at the term, and then looked up to see his face change.

"Oh, Y/N, it's been awhile."

Not long enough...

"Yeah, I have been a bit busy, haven't seen much of Tony either..." You awkwardly relay, praying to some God that he'd step to the side so you could just get to your next class.

"Vis, who's this? I've never seen her around."

"I am Y/N Y/L/N, and you are?" You answer for yourself, not wanting to hear whatever it is the pretentious rich kid is about to introduce you as.

"Steve Rogers. Just transferred here at the end of last school year."

"Well, lovely to see you again Vis, and to meet you Rogers, but I do need to get to the D wing in less than two minutes."

"Nice to meet you as well."

"See you around Lezzy..."

There it is... What a douchebag...

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

—————————————————————

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail , and soon enough you're best friends. Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool, we'll be out of here as soon as we can.

—————————————————————

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

"Is this seat taken?"

You look up at the sound of the unfamiliar voice, curiosity peeking through as you try to place the accent, and you look to see a sweet looking redhead is patiently awaiting your response.

"Um, no, it's all yours." You squeak, feeling a bit bad for your obvious staring, but her gentle smile instantly calms your nerves

"You're new?"

"Well, aren't we all?" She jests, and you awkwardly chuckle at the painfully obvious truth.

"Well, yeah, I just meant that I've never seen you around before and it's a really small town." You quip, and she smirks playfully.

"I was just teasing, yes, I'm new. My family moved us here from California, but my accent, since you were clearly wondering, comes from my home country—Sokovia."

"Us?"

"I'm Wanda Maximoff, and that boy in the corner, flexing his noodle arms is my twin, Pietro."

You sneak a look in the corner, rolling your eyes once you see the girls he's trying to impress.

"He's barking up the wrong tree, those girls are especially mean."

"Mean is exactly his type." She cringes, then quickly turns her gaze to the front as the teacher calls for everyone's attention.

—

After class, your newfound friend follows you to the gymnasium with her brother in tow. The room is full of tables with sign up sheets, and you feel like a kid in a candy store at the overwhelming amount of options.

"Sestra!! I'm headed to the track and field table." Pietro announces, bouncing on his feet rather excitedly before taking off in a run.

"What a show off." She grumbles from your side, and you smile lightly.

"So, what are you into then?"

"I'm considering joining a sport, and two clubs."

"Woah, so we got a show off and an overachiever? Well, we will be a perfect trio then because I'm the girl who will join one club simply because my mom expects it of me."

"Lazy, just what I look for in a best friend."

"Maxi, are you sure this isn't moving too fast? We've only just met."

"Weren't you the one to just call us a trio? I'll find us the perfect club Y/N/N, don't you worry that empty little head of yours." She laughs out boisterously, booping your nose lightly before she takes off towards the tables.

"I think you meant to say pretty! Don't worry, I understood you." You shout after her before perusing through the many tables.

Volleyball?

Absolutely not.

Dungeons and Dragons?

No thanks.

Gay-Straight Alliance?

Now why would anyone want to spend their time with the straights?! Maybe...

Softball?

Seems gay enough, but you're not athletically inclined, so you'd be best to just move on.

As you go to walk on, your name being called pulls your attention up to see who's behind the table. Then a familiar face is rounding the table and pulling you into a hug.

Natasha Romanoff, older half-sister to your longtime friend Yelena Belova, the same one you've had a silly little crush on for the entirety of your adolescence.

"It's so good to see you! Yelena talks about you from time to time, but you never come around anymore, I'd thought you moved away." She relays, pulling back with a definite pout and your heart flutters at the mere notion that she'd missed you.

"It's been awhile for sure, sorry, mom kind of sent us away for the last two summers."

"Melina misses you, you know? She thinks you're a good friend for Lena, and she's right too, you keep her in check."

"Melina misses me?" You playfully question, and the redhead moves to deflect your obvious insinuating.

"So, you are interested in joining the softball team?" She chuckles in disbelief, because as long as the redhead has known you, you've always been the one shying away from physical activity.

"Oh, absolutely not, just trying to be seen as the kind of person who would partake in sports." You mutter with a playful smile.

"Good." She beams, and your face falls.

Natasha notices, and immediately lifts your face up by your chin so that she can look you directly in the eyes as she speaks.

"It's just, I'd much prefer a pretty girl such as yourself cheering me on from the bleachers."

Natasha smirks at the way you react to the simplest of flirts, and she chooses to continue to fluster you.

"However, you would look really amazing in the uniform so let me just put you down..."

Before she could even grab a pen you snatched the clipboard off her table, and ran off. Natasha took off after you and as soon as you made it out of the gymnasium she'd caught up to you. Grabbing you from behind, she playfully wrestled the clipboard out of your hands.

"On second thought, with all of that panting you're doing, I think it's best you stay in the bleachers." She laughs out, and the glare you send just spurs the laughter on.

You stood upright with a huff, and went to swiftly reenter the gym, but her arm holding out in front of you had stopped you.

"Y/N/N, wait."

"Why, so you can continue to tease me?" You say with your head down, and hands wrapped tightly around your backpack straps.

"No, silly, so I can ask you out..." She giggles, and your head snaps up to read her expression.

The genuine lift of her smile doesn't help to calm you, or the insane beating of your heart, because you're not entirely sure why a goddess like Natasha would even want you, but you're not going to miss this chance.

"So, what do you say pretty eyes, will you go out with me?"

"I- uh-Ye-yeah." You stutter out, and smile goofily in her direction, and her heart skips a beat at the way you're looking at her.

"Perfect! I'll pick you up this Friday at 5PM, wear something comfortable." She excitedly relays, before placing a kiss to your cheek, and leaving you a flustered mess as she rushes back to attend to her currently empty table.

—

"Hey... Are you okay?" Wanda asks, as she cautiously approaches your stilled body.

Your lack of acknowledgement should throw her off, but she just moves right passed it.

"Well, I signed us up for the Mathletes club." She nonchalantly states, and chuckles as your face contorts into a horrified expression

"You did what?"

"Ha! I was getting worried I'd have to take you to the nurse." She laughs out, then links her arms with yours and takes you both off to your shared fourth period.

"I actually did sign both of us up for the drama club."

"Not great, but not nearly as bad as mathletes so I'll let it be." You grumble, and she rolled her eyes.

"So what is it that happened to leave you stood like a deer caught in the headlights?"

"Well, I sort of ran into the girl I've been in love with since my late elementary days, and she just asked me out."

"Ooh... Who is she? Do we have any classes together?"

"Her name is Natasha, and no we don't, she's a junior."

"Oh no... Not an upperclassman... Be careful..." She warns, and now it's you rolling your eyes

"I've known her for years, and trust me, she's good people."

"You know, I've only known you for three hours, but shockingly I do."

You smile at her truth, then turn to face Mr. Wilson, before ignoring his teachings in favor of daydreaming.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

—————————————————————

And then you're on your very first date and she's got a car, and you're feeling like flying.

And your mamma's waiting up and you're thinking she's the one, and you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends.

—————————————————————

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

"Y/L/N!"

"Shit, Belova, I'm literally stationed right next to you, no need to yell." You groan, shutting your locker, then widening your eyes at the sight of the glaring blonde.

"What's wrong?"

"You're going out with my sister tonight.." She states with a death glare, and prominent frown.

"Yeah, I-I am doing that."

"Don't let me catch you breaking her heart..."

"Yelena, I would never dream of it..." You frantically relay, reaching yours hands out to grip her shoulders as if that helps the situation.

"Oh, I know, I've seen the way you look at each other, but I still must threaten you as it's my sisterly duty."

"Are we good then?" You ask, while scratching at the back of your neck.

"Always..." She replies with a playful wink before running off towards her girlfriend.

—

That whole entire school day you'd avoided Natasha, hoping to hide your nerves, but you weren't so fortunate as she cornered you in the B wing when you'd been innocently drinking at the water fountain. She tapped your shoulder twice, and you jumped backwards with wide eyes, water now dribbling down your chin and onto your shirt. 

"Oh, pretty eyes, I never meant to startle you." Natasha coos, with a playful glint in her eyes to contradict her statement.

"Sounds fishy..."

"Well, you've been avoiding me all day... I'd had no choice but to catch you off guard."

"I have not..." You shriek, and she giggled at your horrible attempt at lying.

"Detka, lying isn't very ladylike..."

"Screw ladylike."

She snorts at your sentiment, finding herself lightly nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, you're right... Fuck being ladylike..."

"Now, back to why I tapped you, I was trying to get your new phone number. Yelena was actually offended that she didn't have it. I've texted you all week with no response, and I know my sweet girl would never just ignore me..."

"Oh my gosh, Natty.. I'm so sorry... I had dropped my phone in the toilet at my Nana's over the summer, and I lost all my contacts and then I keep forgetting to get everyone's number this week. It's funny too, because my mom had wanted to switch carriers anyways so she used it as a reason to do so. So that's why my number changed. I would never ignore you."

Natasha watches in amusement as you rambled on for what felt like forever, and she's hopeful that it'll be something you do tonight because she honestly finds it adorable.

"Here.." You sheepishly hand over your unlocked phone when you realize just how long you'd rambled for, and Natasha's smile widens at your background.

"Is that Boomer? This photo of you two is adorable... Send it to me please, for your contact photo..." Her eyes twinkle with a bit of nostalgia at the site of your cat, who'd she met a handful of times, and fell in absolute love with.

"Yeah, he um, he passed over the Summer. Mom called me to tell me, that's kinda why my phone ended up in the toilet..."

"Oh, sweet girl, I'm sorry... I know how important he was to you, honestly to the group, does anyone else know?"

You silently shake your head, Natasha decides to stop pushing, and instead to just pull you in for a hug.

"I texted myself, I'll see you tonight okay?"

You nodded against her, squeezing a bit tighter for just a moment longer before reluctantly releasing her and taking your phone.

"I'll see you later Natty..." You goofily smiled her way before continuing out of the block of classrooms so that you could walk home.

—

"Wanda! What am I meant to wear?!" You shriek to the girl as you walk home together.

"Y/N/N... She said comfortable, so just take a shower, put on a simple outfit, and do something cool with your hair. Don't be so worried, I literally saw her staring at you all week, the girl is already whipped."

"You're wild Wanda, she wasn't staring, and she's certainly not whipped..." You lightly chuckled at your new friend's statement.

"Seriously, Y/N, even I see it." Pietro pipes up, and you suddenly remembered he was present.

"The only person who doesn't see it is you, I literally heard that Yelena girl gagging when her sister mentioned you, I can only assume it was like the fiftieth time."

"Whatever..." You grumbled, then bid them farewell as you still had a couple blocks to go.

——————————————————————

Natty ❤️

~Pretty eyes... Photo please? 🥺🙏🏼~

*Photo Attachment*

~More ? 😉~

*Of what?*

~You, Boomer, you with Boomer 🤷‍♀️~

*Lol.. Okay...*

*Photo Attachments*

*You send some too then, it's only fair. 👀*

~Download Photo Attachments~

~All you had to do was ask, see you tonight Y/N/N. 😘~

——————————————————————

The photos she sent made your heart swell, as you scrolled through them. A goofy selfie caught your eye and you'd instantly set it as her contact photo. Then you saved the rest, as they included throwbacks of your group throughout the years. Before you knew it you'd made it home, and set off to get ready.

—

You sat on the living room couch, having finally settled on wearing a simple band t-shirt, a pair of bike shorts, your classic checkered vans, and settled on a front facing dad hat over your pulled back hair.

The doorbell went off, and you looked down to see it was only 4:45, and before you could answer it your mom already had.

"Natasha, it's been awhile, come on in..." Your mom greets the redhead with a side hug.

You'd quietly jumped up to see the nervous girl stood in your doorway with a bouquet of roses in her hands, as she anxiously teetered on the balls of her feet.

"These are for you." She quietly states, as she gently passes them to your mom with a sweet smile.

Natasha remembered how protective your mom was of you, having been around long enough to see your dad leave all those years ago. Her parents had been part of the main reason your mom even survived the sudden change. So, she was in her own way trying to let your mom know how serious she was.

"Thank you sweetheart, they're beautiful. Y/N's in the living room, please just have her home by no later than 9:30." Your all knowing mother gently relays, before setting off to place the flowers in a vase, and kiss your forehead before you leave.

"Will do Miss. Y/L/N. Mama also sent this over, and said she'd loved to see you soon." She says as she hands over a tupperware with some baklava.

"Oh, sweetheart, Maria is just fine, no need for formality. Please, tell her I said thank you, and I'm free next weekend."

—

"We're here..." Natasha singsongs as she pulls into the parking lot of the local mini golfing business.

"Mini golf?"

"No... Batting cages." She beams, and points to the side of the lot where they're located.

"Oh, so you brought me to your practice for a date then?" You tease, and her smile remains.

"No, I brought my beautiful date to a place I enjoy, so that I can share an important part of myself with her."

She jumps out of her truck, then excitedly bounds to meet you at your door to offer a hand in getting out. You overestimated your skills, jumping down while holding her hand, and she had to catch you before your knees buckled.

"Don't you even think about it." You groan, as you can feel her body shake with laughter, and watch closely as she bites her tongue.

Natasha pays for the hour session, then switches your hat out for a helmet. Without much warning the balls began to fly, and you wildly swung the bat, missing nearly every one.

"This is hopeless..."

"Y/N, it's only been a minute..."

"My arms are literally aching, how?!"

She laughs at your state, then moves to stand behind you, and quietly asks.

"Is this okay? Can I move you around?"

Too nervous to speak, you'd settled on a nod, within a moments time her front flushed against your back, and her arms wrapped around yours on the bat.

"Okay, keep your legs shoulder width apart." She instructs, then taps her toes against your heels until she feels it's suffice.

"Now adjust your grip, move your non-dominant hand below the other, then hold firmly so the bat is secure, but not too tight."

"Now, bend your knees slightly, rotate your shoulders so your tilted slightly inward, then make sure your bat is facing the sky."

You follow the direction, and prepare to swing.

"No, sweet girl, towards the sky, not on your shoulder." She coos, then readjusts you.

"Perfect, now let's work on your swing."

Natasha starts the machine up, and uses her body to rotate yours, allowing the first ball to come in contact with your bat, and repeating it a handful of times.

"Good, now let's see how you do."

Natasha stepped aside, setting the machine to intermediate, and watches your every move. As soon as the bat hit the ball, making the whooshing sound you'd dropped it and jumped triumphantly.

"Natty, I did —."

You groaned at the feeling of the softball hitting your abdomen, and the redhead watched you bending over in horror.

Great, she'd probably scared you away...

"Y/N... Are you okay?" She cautiously approached, and felt relieved when you just threw yourself in her arms in search of comfort.

"I'm okay Natty... Maybe just no more ball related sports for me."

"Sounds doable... Wanna leave to the next part of the date?"

"No, you paid for an hour, and I really want to see you take your turn."

Natasha smirked, then guided you to a chair before stepping up to the plate.

"Homerun!" You shout while clapping after the ball whizzes by you, and she giggles at your sudden enthusiasm.

Natasha returned the gear, and while she did you went and bought two water bottles.

"Here you are Natty."

"Y/N/N... This was supposed to be my treat..."

"It's a water bottle." You deadpan, and she defeatedly sighs while pulling you to the truck.

"Thank you..." She reluctantly whispers before shutting your door for you, then driving off to the next place.

It's silly, but the redhead just wanted to treat you to a full date all about servicing you, the water was harmless, and honestly a sweet gesture.

—

Your napping phase from when you were younger clearly never disappeared, because you had somehow drifted off for the twenty minute drive.

"Wow... Am I so uninteresting to you that you have to sleep to evade me?" She teases, as she jostles you awake.

"Natty, I require ten naps a day, you must remember this." You croak, as you stretch your entire body, then peep an eye open.

The lake—you hadn't previously noticed the picnic setup in the backseat, but now you were overtly excited.

"Thought we could eat some food Mama Melina made, and then watch the sunset."

You squealed in response, then pathetically crawled down from her truck, before resuming your giddy response and jumped around. Natasha just grabbed the picnic basket, then walked along the route to set it up, while she waited for you to catch up.

The night was spent mostly catching up, Natasha told you all about her first year here, and how she's excited to be able to guide you through yours. Her compliments of you never ceased, and you were pretty sure you were about to pop by how much she'd just inflated your ego. The two of you dipped your toes in the water, skipped rocks, talked about Yelena's crazy antics, and even brainstormed future dates.

"So, I got you a little something." She nervously sighs, and starts to fiddle with her fingers.

You gently linked your hands, smiling softly in an attempt to calm her, and it seemed to work as she matched your smile then handed the box over.

"Little? Natasha this is massive."

"Just open it..."

Inside the box was a heartfelt letter that nearly made you cry as you were reading it. Then there was a scrapbook full of photos from throughout the years, and there's honestly no way she'd just put it together. What really caught your eye though was the canvas painting of you and Boomer. It was in reference to your phone background, and it quite literally had you sobbing. The icing on the cake though was the kitten plushy, that resembled the calico in an uncanny way.

"Nat..."

"Shh, I just wanted to commemorate the little guy, and help you grieve if at all possible."

You launched into her lap, she caught you with ease, and just held you while you cried.

"Do you do this for all the ladies?"

She scoffs, then pinches at your sides.

"You're the only lady I've got my eyes on sweetheart..." She genuinely replies, and you smile to yourself at the confirmation.

"It's getting late, we should get you home before the clock strikes twelve." She jokes, then lifts you, and the items around her with ease.

—

Your pouty lip drove Natasha crazy when she'd pulled up outside your house.

"No... Don't go..." You whimper, obviously delirious from your exhaustion.

"I'll see you soon sweets, let me walk you to the door..."

She lifted you from the truck in a bridal hold, before gently settling you beside her, and allowing you to use her body for support. Once you'd reached the door you turned to face her with a sweet smile, then you leaned in to peck her cheek.

"Thank you for tonight Nat..."

"No, thank you for agreeing to go with me, I'd been nervous you'd shoot me down."

"Don't be silly Natty, I've been crushing on you for years..." You shamelessly admit, clearly a side effect of the exhaustion.

Natasha smiles at the admission, and chooses to make her departure before you admit anything else in your tired state.

"Well, glad I wasn't the only one." She muses, before returning your gesture, and kissing your cheek.

"Get home safe Natty..." You sternly state, and she nods your way.

—

"How was it?" Your mom coos from the couch, and you nearly jump out of your skin.

"Magical..." You dreamily state as you make your way to plop down next to her.

"Natasha's a good one, so I don't doubt it. She looks at you like you're the only person she can see, so I trust her. Just be cautious with your heart sweet girl, life has a funny way of even ruining the best of things."

"Thank you mama, I love you." You beam, before hugging her, then setting off for bed.

You turned on Heart Attack by Demi Lovato, and danced around your room while getting ready for. Once you'd finished your nighttime routine you jumped onto the mattress and texted your favorite redheads.

——————————————————————

Maxi 👯‍♀️

*AHHHH!!!!!*

~That good huh?~

*Yes! I can't wait to tell you all about it on Monday!!*

~I'm going to be sick, sorry ... 😳~

*I can always bring some soup over tomorrow, then heal you with my happiness. 😉*

~See you Monday, Goodnight 😴~

——————————————————————

Natty ❤️

*Hey Natty, did you make it 🏡?*

~Yes... I'm safe.❤️~

*Good!! Thank you for tonight, I had a really great time...*

~Me too! I can't wait to do it again next weekend.~

*Next weekend? 😯*

~Yes sweetheart, now get some sleep.~

*Goodnight Natty. 💕*

~Sweet dreams, angel. 😴 ❤️~

——————————————————————

You fell asleep with a wild smile on your face, as you clung to the cat plushy she'd gifted you.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

—————————————————————

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you

You're gonna believe them

When you're fifteen

And your first kiss makes your head spin 'round

But in your life you'll do things greater than dating the girl on the softball team

But I didn't know it at fifteen

—————————————————————

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

Every weekend since the first one she'd taken you out, and this weekend she'd taken you to the first football game of the season. Wanda had vetted her outside of said game, and she played along very well with the outlandish questioning. Wanda had also started dating Vision, even though you had warned her he was a douche; she decided to want to learn the hard way. So, you settled on just being prepared for her inevitable heartbreak.

Natasha and Vision rounded up the snacks, while you and Wanda took initiative in finding seats near the back. The intention was to mostly just talk, and cheer along with the others when the time came. Even with your bags beside you, many students had attempted to take residence there.

"Please, move away from my girlfriend." Natasha politely announced her arrival, and the fierce gaze was enough to send the kid running.

You smirked at her, accepting the slushie and hot dog while moving your bag to the footwell. Naturally, her arm rounded your waist from behind, and your head fell to her shoulder. Wanda and Vis had finished their food rather quickly, and resorted to making out beside you—you're almost certain this was Vision's idea.

Vision left mid game to tend to "important" business, which usually meant saving Tony from ruining the Stark name. That left Wanda a bit sad, and more importantly without her ride home.

"You're not too far from Y/N, so really, it's not a problem at all Wanda." Natasha announces to ease your friends embarrassment, and she settles your bags in her passengers seat so that you'd sit with your friend without feeling bad.

"Thank you..."

"No need to thank me, it's the least I can do."

She'd quietly driven to a McDonald's first to grab you all a kids meal, and your stomach erupted with butterflies at the sweet gesture. You had felt her tense at the game when Vision basically told Wanda they could share the tiny bag of popcorn and handed her a water cup.

After making sure Wanda made it inside, she turned to you with a sheepish smile, and you immediately climbed over and into the passenger seat.

"That was really sweet of you Natty, I'll pay you back..."

"Absolutely not."

"You never let me pay for anything..." You pout, and she resists the urge to lean over and kiss it right off your face.

"And I never will." She laughs out, as she pulls onto your street, and then her laughter fades into a sigh.

"Never say never, I'll get you some day." You giggled and she just rolled her eyes before parking the car and turning to face you.

"I don't wanna say goodbye yet." She whispers, and you gently stroke your thumb across her cheek.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning..."

"I know..." She sighs, as she makes the move to help you out of her truck.

She wraps her arm around your waist, and spins you out of her truck, your giggles, and the feeling of your breaths against her collarbones literally drive her insane as you hide your face in her neck. Once your legs touch the ground, you made no initial move to pull away.

Slowly, you'd pulled away, as you did so your nose ran across her jaw, and she shivered at the slightest of touches. Your doe eyes bore into hers, and you're not entirely sure who initially leaned in, but you're eternally grateful as your lips met hers for the first time.

There was a gentle passion to the kiss, as Natasha allowed you to take the control. This was her first time kissing someone she'd actually cared about, and it was your first time ever kissing anyone. There was no rush to it, no pressure behind it, just an innocent connection between two young women navigating the world of romance. She smiled into the kiss as she felt you pushing to continue, even though her mind was becoming dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

"Detka, we can't forget to breathe." She chuckled out against your lips, and you'd pulled back to finally take a breath.

"Well, now I really don't want to leave..." She groaned, and you laughed boisterously before leaning forward to briefly peck her lips.

"Don't worry, there will definitely be more where that came from." You quip, with a wink before heading into your house.

The both of you walked away with painful smiles on your faces, that simply didn't fade.

—

Natasha knew she definitely loved you after about a month into the relationship. She'd always had love for you, but the butterflies in her stomach had been a new occurrence and she can't get over the overwhelming feeling. Now, you're seven months in, and she's more than ready to say it.

You'd been sitting in the bleachers with Wanda dozing off on your shoulders when she caught sight of you. Her cheeks tinted red at the sight of you in her jersey from last season, with a number one foam finger on your hand, and a confetti cannon in the other. Her heart beat that much faster once you winked and blew her a kiss as she stood up at the plate.

She took a steadying breath, then tapped the home base before raising her bat to signal that she was ready. The pitcher threw the ball, and it went straight into the glove behind her. Strategically psyching the pitcher out, so that on the following throw she could hit it out of the park. Her teammates were on each base, and one by one they all made it home while the other team scrambled for the ball. She was running as fast as she could, opting for sliding herself across the gravel, and sighing as she heard 'SAFE'.

Her teammates crowded her, lifting her up, but her focus was solely on the shrieking coming from the bleachers. She smirked as she saw the Sokovian's angry expression, as you'd jumped up to cheer her on. Then in a picture perfect moment you'd ran out onto the field, where she caught you, and spun you around before bringing you into a bruising kiss, that merged into a warm embrace.

"GO NATTY!!!!" You beamed, as you pulled back, shaking the foam finger, and blasting the confetti all over her head.

You giggled at her attempted glare, and snapped photos without hardly paying attention to if they were steady or not. Natasha couldn't hold back anymore, so she surged forward to kiss you once more, throwing her arms over your shoulder, and holding your head firmly in place.

"Y/N, I-um... I love you..."

You gasped, and your eyes immediately filled with tears at the overdue confession.

"It's okay if you're not there yet, but I just couldn't hold back anymore."

Your lips met hers in a clarifying kiss, hoping that she understood your shared sentiments.

"Of course I'm there, I've been there since fifth grade Nat..." You laugh out over your nearly uncontainable sobs.

"Natalia Alianovna Romanoff, I love you too."

“Now that this lovey dovey crap is concluded, can we please go for pizza?” Yelena groaned, and you turned from lover to see your gaggle of friends stood impatiently waiting.

“Malen’koye Der’mo…”

(Little shit)

“I’m telling mama…”

“Then who will buy your pizza?” Nat quips, as she slyly flips her sister off.

You wrapped your arms around the sisters…

“Play nice…” You warned, and the two of them straightened up, as the lot of you loaded into Nat’s truck.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

————————————————————

6,196 Words

Taglist:

@beenicejoy @d14n4ol

LISTEN THIS SHIT WAS NEARING 10K and I wasn’t even done… So, Part 2 will be out later tonight, hopefully you enjoy this first half. 🤪

[mikhaelwrites]

Dialogue Prompts: Sarcastic Character

I saw a Tik Tok about sarcastic character prompts and I realized that my main character is one of the most sarcastic people I've ever (not) met. So, I have a few dialogue prompts in mind.

"Fine! Then what do you want to watch?" "I want to watch a romance unfold between you and a moving train."

"How do I look?" "Wow.... You almost look interesting."

"I have words for you but none of them are nice and I know that is my thing but I don't want to deal with your reaction after I say them."

"Oh, yes, I would love to jump off a cliff for you. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"I have a gun with your name on it, but apparently you want me to use it on someone else? Are you fucking crazy?"

"I don't think you knocked a couple of screws loose, I think we're missing whole gears here."

"Get dressed, we're having dinner with my mother today, you need to look nice." "Mm, what do you think about me wearing this shirt?" ('I <3 MILFs' shirt)

"Aw, I'm so sad. I'm wearing all black, wearing eyeliner and blasting My Chemical Romance-- Fuck off."

"There is a dumpster can somewhere with a welcome mat in front of it, now go home to it."

"You'll find my fucks to give in the elevator down to Hell, I'd bring you there but you seem to be getting there just fine on your own."

"I love dogs." "Dude you hate everything and everyone but you love dogs?" "I'm not a fucken' monster."

"Do you think you're edgy with these comments that you make?" "Yes." "Fuck you." "No thank you."

"Do you care about anything?" "Your mother."

"This is serious!" "So is my fathers appointment to get his anus checked! Doesn't mean I have to be apart of it."

"Where are you going?!" "I have a miniature Zen garden that needs tending it. The sands call to me more than your coming of age story does."

"You look like a furry." "The fact that you diss furries tells me that you're inexperienced and unknowledgeable, therefore, your comment is irrelevant. Try harder or die harder, dickwad."

"You need some water?" "No, I was thinking of drinking my own sweat, just for the challenge of it--YES, I would like some water. Stupid."

"Wow! I had no clue you played guitar." "Yeah, maybe that's because I'm good at keeping things to myself... Unlike some people."

"Would you rather be blind or deaf?" "Deaf, just to avoid this conversation. Blind, so that I wouldn't have to see your ugly face again." "That was unoriginal." "So was your question, dipshit. Don't ask stupid questions and you won't get stupid answers."

"Do you seriously think that lighting incense will do anything?" "Not particularly, I was just hoping you were an asthmatic and that the smoke would either kill you or make you run away from me very quickly."

[luveline]

these might not be in order cos I copied them to my clipboard but these were all my favourite parts ALSO I should've read this ages ago when u mentioned it but it slipped my mind and i regret everything but also it's a treat to read now so <3

Hotch's hand rested gently on the small of your back as he led you to your room, the gesture half-comforting and half-exhilarating. You were already having trouble deciphering your feelings towards your unit chief, and this wasn't helping.

if he rested his hand on the small of my back I would become someone I'm not proud of for real, he has so much. AH I love how this was written, especially the bold bit, it felt so well-crafted and REALLY set the tone for the fic (and obvi used to this because you're a great writer)

Part of you felt unprofessional for reacting so horribly to a non-fatal crash. You hadn't even broken any bones, you'd just taken a few shards of glass to the cheek and landed yourself with a sore neck. You should be grateful that you weren't dead, not biting back tears at the scrapes on your face.

I would have a little cry specifically for him to comfort me because I'm awful and don't respect myself. Poor girl though for real the episode where he purposefully crashes the car literally made me gasp and it is such a good concept for a fic to have the reader in the car with him, i love hotch being all guilty because im mean

That wasn't enough for Hotch, though. You weren't sure how he'd managed to gain superhuman hearing after nearly going deaf, but his startling recovery meant that he'd heard your weak cries and was knocking softly on the door.

the mention of his near deafening >>> one of my favourite details and I'm always thinking about it

You finally emerged in thick, flannel pajama pants, a loose tank top thrown over the top so that you wouldn't overheat. You hadn't even gotten a glimpse of the room before you were being engulfed in a tight hug, Hotch's arms winding around your back and pulling you flush to his chest. You stood frozen for a few seconds, but melted quickly into the comforting embrace, one last weak sniffle coming out as you relaxed in his arms.

this took ME by surprise too and is just perfect and really puts his feelings across like. AH goes insane .

"I, um- it helps me sleep sometimes." His voice had lost all of it's ever-present confidence, meager and weak as he led you to the bed, "It's a comforting feeling."

touch starved darling 😭 u were a little evil for that in the best way

“I beat you up,” Hotch joked tentatively, a sad smile on his face even though your laugh was genuine, “But I’m glad you aren’t upset with me.”

no because . no because. because. NO BECAUSE. hotch joking around hes so in love

A soft groan escaped your lips, and Hotch was thankful that you were facing away from him so that you didn't see his chest heave slightly at the sound, "Fuck, thanks Hotch."

HAHA okay the more this went on the further i descended into madness etc. this fic kept reminding me of how good it was, like, putting the phone down to smile. yeah I'd make noises on purpose too cos as previously stated I'm a terrible person

Normally, Spencer would have rather taken a bullet to the chest than touch a public bathroom floor. But he showed no hesitation in wrapping you up in a hug, his arms flush to your sweater that had just been under you on the tile.

BEST FRIEND SPENCER REPRESENTATION. love

“That’s beside the point,” His cheeks were dusted with the slightest pink hue, and you marveled the sight. You didn’t know he was capable of blushing.

you watch me sleep????? and he reacts like this when he realises what he's admitted??? hunts him down. This bit was stunning too, the imagery was lovely and I am just in awe tbh. I'd also marvel at him.

“I love you.”

this gagged me??? I really wasn't expecting it even though it was happening because I can't predict anything ever and I was SO happy I was like ??????? And then when he teared up at her confession, the coffees and the paperwork dear god

thank you for this treat! I fucking loved that this was called whiplash and that you focused on the emotional whiplash of his sudden change in confession, I thought that was so smart and so well done, a true master craftsmanship. Like the metaphor! And how whiplash gets worse before it gets better and I don't know when I realised what you were doing with it I was :O not surprised because we already knew you were fantastic but I just had to shake my head. I loved it! So much haha

Whiplash - Aaron Hotchner x GN!Reader 

WC: 6.8K / navi / preview 

Summary: You receive minor injuries in a car crash that Hotch manufactures to get a killer off the road. Despite having saved the day, he feels guilty for hurting you, and your professional relationship quickly spirals into something more.

Contents/Warnings: one bed trope !! Insecure Hotch </3, self doubt, self deprecation, arguments, angst with a fluffy ending, Hotch says some mean shit but he’s just a dumbass, mentions of minor injuries/scrapes/cuts, bau!reader

A/N: This was originally a little blurb that I wrote for @shyhotch, a one bed trope story with hotch! but then it got ridiculously out of hand, and now it’s 7k.. I wrote this with a gn!reader in mind, but this was all written in a burst of inspiration and I had to edit out a lot of silly little typos! if you see any gendered terms, please let me know, I promise you they were not on purpose.

feedback is greatly appreciated! comment, reblog, talk in the tags, send me a message, tell me what you think!

“Y/N,” You weren’t sure if it was your seldom-used first name, or the concerned glint in Hotch’s eyes that clued you into how much you’d be babied for the rest of the night, “I want you with me tonight. You shouldn’t be alone, not after that.”

That was the car crash you’d just gotten into. Manhunts were difficult to navigate, and you didn’t blame Hotch for swerving to run the man off of the road. It was you two or his potential victim, and you were glad that Hotch had done it well enough so that neither of you got seriously injured.

Just because you weren’t dead, though, doesn’t mean your neck wasn’t hurting like a bitch. He’d given you a solid two seconds of warning, shouting a gruff, ’Hold on!’ before jerking the wheel to the side and throwing his arm across your chest. You’d found purchase on the door, gripping it hard enough that your head hadn’t hit the dash. But your neck had bent at an awkward angle, and it ached every time you moved it into a specific position.

You nodded, bidding a sleepy goodnight to the rest of the team as they divided the remaining three rooms to themselves. Small towns were difficult to pack into at a moment’s notice, but you were just relieved there didn’t need to be more than two to a room.

Hotch’s hand rested gently on the small of your back as he led you to your room, the gesture half-comforting and half-exhilarating. You were already having trouble deciphering your feelings towards your unit chief, and this wasn’t helping.

You were especially conflicted when Hotch swung the door open, revealing a lackluster, cramped bedroom with one single bed. It was a queen, definitely big enough for two people, but two people that didn’t mind the occasional brush of skin-on-skin. You weren’t sure if you could handle that.

Keep reading

[finexbright]

harry making a room full of people clap for her ... How out of touch

i was having a conversation with my friend last night and we were talking about how if you're a proper brit, it's literally been ingrained into you ever since you're a kid about how important the queen/monarchy is. they aren't taught about how much of an oppressive regime it was, or how many countries were colonised or how many people suffered. they're literally taught a completely different and glorified version of history than the rest of the world. as an indian, who still has living family members who witnessed and were part of the independence struggle (when we say ancestors, we don't mean generations ago or anything. like i'm in my 20s and i have grandparents who literally saw india become independent. the queen died when she was 96 and we've only been independent for a little over 70 years, which makes her an active oppressor) and as someone who's now living in the UK, i get that some people might feel emotional about the loss of their queen, because as i said it's been ingrained into their brains. however, i did except more from harry. he's a white privileged man who has been a global superstar for more than a decade and has travelled enough countries by now to know and realise what sort of an effect his homeland's regime had on the rest of the world and making an entire crowd, in a foreign country (even if it was the usa), clap for an oppressor was extremely tone deaf on his part. if he feels sad for her loss, i think he should have just mourned in private, because he does prefer being private right? or if he really wanted to do something in public, he could've just tweeted about it. but making people clap for her? where some people were definitely poc? extremely tone deaf. if this is him being politically woke, i'd much rather he be dumb and not say anything.

[bangtanreadingcorner]

the fact is • jeon jeongguk

plot – you're a waitress that gets stuck serving jeon jeongguk, who can't make his mind up on what to eat.

words – 6.4K

"Indecisive snot, aren't you?"

The words are out before you could stop them. Your natural instinct is to take it back and apologize, but this idiot has pushed you over the edge. He has changed his order six times and that was after adding sides and removing this or that. The customer - the arrogant brat of a chaebol, you thought to yourself - looking at his menu snapped his gaze to you, eyes widening in surprise, disbelief and was that intrigue? Nope. Probably just a trick of the light.

"Excuse me?" He says, eyebrows still raised to high heaven.

You weigh your options silently for a few moments. You could try and kiss his ass and loose your job. Or you could finish what you started and loose your job. Because there was no question, you were loosing your job. Speaking to a customer like that, in a restaurant as high end as this? The ultimate no-no.

The choice was a no brainer.

You give him a flat look, "Are you deaf?"

A surprised scoff leaves him and for a moment he stares at you, and then a smirk pulls at the corners of his mouth. "Do you not know who I am?"

"Of course I know who you are, Jeon Jeongguk, I don't live under a rock." You roll your eyes at him.

"Huh." He frowns at you.

You frown back, "What?"

"I've never met someone so . . . outspoken before. Normally people are all compliments and well wishes." Jeongguk doesn't say how delightfully refreshing it is. Like a spring breeze, spreading through his veins and breathing colour into his monotonous life. This is the most excitement he's had since he went parachuting eight months ago. That is a sad thought, but unfortunately a true one.

"Yeah, well," You shrug, tapping your pen against your notebook. "Kissing ass and lying are two things that didn't make it onto my list of qualities."

"Speaking your mind, obviously did." He notes, still smirking.

"Excellent observational skills there, Sherlock." You deadpan.

Jeongguk laughs and you don't like the way it makes warmth simmer in your belly. He looks up at you with dark eyes and you privately think for all that the media gets wrong, they have one thing right. Jeon Jeongguk is ridiculously attractive. "What's your name?"

"Are you blind or illiterate?" You raise a brow down at him. He looks caught off guard for a moment.

"Um...neither?" It comes out unsure, hesitant.

"Then what exactly is stopping you from reading my name badge?" You ask, tapping the badge on your chest with your pen. You were already losing your job, so you might as well make the best of it.

He looks embarrassed for a second, eyes dropping to the table, cheeks dusting the faintest shade of pink.

You raise a brow, "So, are you going to order or are you going to complain to my manager and get me fired?"

"Fired for what?" He asks.

You want to snap at him, but the genuine confusion in his eyes made you hold your tongue. For once. In a 'duh' tone, you tell him. "Speaking my mind."

"Ah. Right." Realisation lights up in his eyes. "I could have you fired for speaking to me like that." He says, like the thought never occurred to him.

"I'll go get my manager then." You say and turn on your heel, not at all surprised.

Jeongguk's mind goes into an epic panic as you turn your back on him and he blurts a quick, "Wait."

"What?" You ask, turning back to him with an uninterested look.

"I said that I could. Not that I would." He tells you and it makes your speechless for about five seconds.

Then you squint at him with a slight glare, "What do you want?"

"Excuse me?"

"You obviously want something in exchange for keeping quiet. What is it?" You speak matter-of-factly. After a moment you add, "Just know, if it's something sexual or in that direction, I'd rather loose my job."

Jeongguk gapes at you, looking stunned. "I don't know whether to be insulted by the insinuation that I need to blackmail someone into sleeping with me or that you'd rather loose your job than sleeping with me."

"So sorry for offending your delicate sensibilities." You drawled sarcastically. "You still haven't told me what you want."

"Well, I like coming here often and when I do and you're my server, I'd like you to always speak your mind around me." He said, with the smallest of shrugs, looking down at the silverware on the table instead of at you.

Confusion sweeps through you, his request catching you off guard. "Really? That's it?"

"Yes." He nods stiffly.

"I don't understand." You admit.

"You don't have to. You asked me what I want, this is it." He looks at you again, eyes still dark and piercing and you can't understand what he's thinking.

"Fine, okay, yeah, I can do that." You nods eventually, noticing how his shoulders untense just a bit. You look at him, curious and full of questions, but cautious enough to not actually ask. "Are you gonna order now?"

"Why don't you surprise me? I can't decide what I want to eat." He says, handing you the menu.

"I'm shocked." You deadpan with a faux smile, before looking at him seriously. "Are you allergic to anything?"

"No." He shakes his head, lacing his fingers together and resting his hands on the table.

Your mind races for a few moments before settling on a dish. You nod at Jeongguk. "Okay, I'll be back with your food in a while then."

***

Three weeks later, you haven't served Jeongguk again. It's not that he hasn't been in, oh no, he has. You've seen him, caught him staring and then looking away quickly. He just hasn't sat at one of your tables again. Each week, the tables get rotated and there is four rotations, so you'll only be on Jeongguk's usual table next week.

You walked into the kitchen, just coming off your lunch break when Lee stops you and says, "Table 12 for you."

You look at Jae, who was on table 12 this week and got a hostile glare. You ignore her and look at Lee with confusion, "But I'm not on table 12 today."

"You were requested and customers here get what they want." Lee shrugs, giving you a 'it is what it is' look.

"By who?" You ask, having some idea of the answer. There is only one customer you know that would request you. You are always polite to the other customers but with an air of detachment, that keeps them from prying and you from getting into trouble. Until three weeks ago, that is.

"Jeon Jeongguk." Lee says, confirming your suspicions.

"Motherfucker." You swear.

Jae looks down her nose from you, "Don't he used to it. It won't last. He'll get bored of you soon enough."

"I hope so." You huff, as Jae walks away with a less than pleased expression.

"What?" Lee asks, her shock obvious.

"You heard me."

Lee tilts her head at you in disbelief and curiousity, "So, you're not trying to get into his pants?"

"Uh, no." You frown at her. Sure, he's hot but you know your place. You also need money than you need to get laid. "Why?"

"Most girls try when they work here, but everytime they try something, Mr. Jeon complains and they get fired." Lee explains.

Something suddenly made sense to you, "Is that what Jae's trying to do?"

"No one will say it to her face, but yeah, it is." Lee nods, shrugging a little. "She's jealous that he requested you, when you've worked here just over a month, served him once, and she's worked here for almost two years and he hasn't blinked in her direction."

"Huh," You frown, lost in your thoughts. "I wonder why he didn't get me fired then."

"Why? What did you say to him?" Lee eyes you curiously.

"Called him an indecisive snot." You smirk gleefully, happy that you got away with talking to him like you want and not getting fired because of it.

"Right." Lee says in a tone that made it clear she doesn't believe you.

"I did." You insist.

Lee waves you off, and you exit the kitchen, walking into the dining room, heading over to Jeongguk's regular table.

You look at him as he comes into your line of direct sight. His one leg was shaking, eyes shifting around the room, fingers tapping the table restlessly. When he spots you walking over to him, he stills completely. A smile - a cute one, you admit to yourself and no one else - spreads on his lips as he breathes your name, "Y/N."

You give him a look, "Did you miss me or something?"

"What? No." Jeongguk scoffs quickly. "I was bored. And you cure my boredom."

You raise your eyebrows at him, head going forward a little, "I cure your boredom?" You repeat, slowly. Maybe he's kidding.

But Jeongguk just nods at you as if it makes all the sense in the world, "Yeah. It's like live entertainment while I eat."

You scowl at him, "I'm not a circus clown."

"That's not what I meant!" He exclaims, voice a little too loud, causing heads to swivel in your direction. He takes a breath and speaks again, softer this time. "I just meant that it's nice. Or it was nice, the one time I actually got to talk to you."

"So, you did miss me." You tease good naturedly. Jeongguk doesn't answer, just stares resolutely down at the table. You sigh, feeling fond instead of annoyed. You hide a smile as you ask, "What will it be today?"

Jeongguk looks at you again, hesitantly at first, then fully when he sees your expectant gaze, "Surprise me."

Now you were surprised, "Again?"

"I liked what you ordered last time." He does that small shrug again. Actually, it's less of a shrug, and more a slight lift of the shoulders. You notice that he has broad shoulders, and the suit he's wearing only makes them look better. You push those thoughts away, focusing on the conversation.

"And if you don't like it this time?" You challenge.

"I did say surprise me, and surprises can be positive or negative." Jeongguk decides not to tell her that this is his favorite restaurant and he knows the menu by heart. He knows and likes every dish, so there was no way he wouldn't like something she serves him. And he's curious as to what she'll decide this time.

You snort, laughing lightly, "You know, you're not as bad as I thought you were."

Jeongguk looks mildly offended, "I'll have you know, I'm a catch."

"I'm sure." You nod, hiding a grin.

"I am." He insists and you had to admit, he is attractive.

"Yes, right up until the moment you open your mouth." You say honestly, writing down one of the dishes on the menu.

"Rude." He pouts a little and you suppress the urge to giggle, of all things.

"Maybe," You concede. "But it's the truth." You picked up his menu, turning on your heel to go to the kitchen.

"So, how do I . . . improve?" Jeongguk asks when you come back with his food, continuing with the conversation where you left off.

"Do I look like a life coach to you?" You set down the food. "Enjoy."

"Thanks." Jeongguk grins at her. "And, no, but if I went to one they'd tell me what they think I want to hear, not what I need to hear."

You stare at him for a few seconds and he looks back unflinchingly. "Well," You press your lips together. "I guess you should start with why you want to change."

That makes Jeongguk falter. He can't very well say, 'so I can impress you, since my money doesn't seem too' and he thinks for a bit. "I have come to realise that maybe I treat people unfairly based on how much money they have. I would like to change that."

Your eyebrows goes up, "That's surprisingly deep, coming from you."

"I'm not swallow." He defends himself.

You nod complacently, "Right, well, the answer is easy but actually doing it, will all depend on you."

"What do I do?"

"Just, think before you say something. Ask yourself, can my words hurt this person?"

"And if they deserve it?" Jeongguk wonders.

"The right answer would be to still be considerate, because two wrongs don't make a right, but I hate being a hypocrite, so go for it, if they deserve it. I mean, it's not like I held back when you annoyed me." You gave a shrug. "I should go. We're not allowed to loiter at the tables."

Jeongguk wants to ask her to sit with him and keep him company some more, but he knows he would be setting himself up for rejection. Instead, he just looks at her with a half smile. "Just when I think I have you all figured out, you do or say something that proves me wrong."

"My mom always used to say, you can spend a lifetime with someone and still learn something new about them every day. People evolve everyday and you'll never be who you are right now, tomorrow again."

"She sounds like a wise woman." Jeongguk remarks.

You smile, nostalgia making your heart warm, "Yeah, she was."

"I'm sorry." Jeongguk says, catching onto the past tense. A lump forms in your throat out of nowhere.

"Thank you." You swallowed thickly, clearing your throat. You gave him a shaky smile, hoping he wouldn't notice. "See, you're doing better already."

Jeongguk did notice but decided not to call her out on it. He just smiled up at her softly, watching after her figure when she walks away.

***

"You know, if I didn't know that you come here everyday, I'd say you that you are stalking me." You teased Jeongguk when you go to take his order for the fifth time in a row. You've had a day off, inbetween, but when you showed up for your next shift, Jeongguk was there and everytime he's requested you. By now, whoever was on rotation for his table, just lets you know whenever he shows up.

"And how do you know that?" Jeongguk raises a curious eyebrow at you.

"I complained to Lee about you and she told me." You explain to him, mentally running over the menu in your head. Jeongguk told you on the third day to just order for him everytime. So, when you walk to his table under the guise of taking his order, the two of you just talk.

"Lee?" He inquires.

"She's my friend and another server here."

"Ah." Jeongguk nods in realisation. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"You can ask, but that doesn't guarantee I'll answer." You say, giving him a cheeky smile.

She has a beautiful smile, Jeongguk thinks to himself. He shakes himself out of his thoughts and looks her in the eyes, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

You frown down at him, finding the question odd. He's never asked anything too personal. Just normal things, what you're studying, what you do when you're not working. Sometimes you'll tell him a story of something dumb you did as a kid, but he'll never outright ask. "No."

A thought suddenly occurs to Jeongguk and he doesn't really want to ask because that'll destroy every hope he has but he needs to know. He quirks a brow at her, "Girlfriend?"

You snort at the question, "No, I'm straight. My cousin swings both ways though. Nearly gave his mom a stroke when he came out at our annual Christmas family dinner two years ago."

"Oh." Jeongguk wants to sag in relief, wants to let out a thankful cheer, but settles for just a small smile and letting out a breath of relief.

"Why are you asking?"

He does that little shrug that isn't really a shrug thing. "I was just wondering. You never really talk about one, or even someone you're interested in."

"Okay, if there was someone, why would I tell you?" You are teasing, but he doesn't know as you look at him blankly.

"I was just curious." Jeongguk huffs defensively.

"Yeah, yeah, settle down." You snicker. After a moment you say, "I guess I don't talk about it because there hasn't been anyone to talk about."

"Really?" Jeongguk beams up at you hopefully, eyes glittering.

"Really." You roll your eyes, but there was a slight warmth in your cheeks that wasn't there before.

***

Seven months and many short conversations later – in which you learnt many things about Jeongguk and vica versa – you walk up to his table with a smile, genuinely excited to see your sort of friend. The smile fades from your face when you lay eyes on him – his whole body was tense, you could tell even from a distance, he was glaring out the window, clenched fists laying on the table. Something wasn't right. You quicken your pace, concern swirling in your belly. You stop at his table, feeling your heartbeat quicken. "What's wrong?"

"None of your fucking business." He snaps at you, words so venomous it makes you take a step back in shock, but mostly hurt.

Jeongguk regrets the words the moment they're out because he didn't mean them. He doesn't want to fight or argue. He came to see her to feel better. Now he snapped at her. He waits, for whatever tongue lashing she is about to give him. He'd deserve it and he'll take it. But she says nothing. Somehow her silence was much worse than any insult she can hurl at him. Her face closes off, he watches it happen as her fingers tighten around the pen and notepad she uses to take orders, and panic sparks beneath his skin, overriding all the anger he feels.

No. His mind rebels against the thought immediately.

"What can I get for you today, Sir?" Her voice is perfectly polite as she asks the question, like it was the first time he met her. Until he made her snap after changing his order for a sixth time.

No, no, no, no, no! Not this. Anything but this. His heartbeat quickens.

Jeongguk was quickly turning frantic, "Y/N, please, I-"

"We have a lovely special today." She goes on as if he didn't speak, eyes void of the usual fire when she'd argue with him or the gentle warmth when she sometimes smiled at him and called him an idiot. It was the only times he ever liked being called an idiot.

He listens to her droning on about he specials, explaining them. Jeongguk's heart drops all the way down to his feet. It feels like someone pulled a rug from beneath his feet, and he is thrown off balance from the how utterly wrong it feels, how much it bothers him, hurts him, that she is talking to him like he is just another random customer. Like she hasn't told him how she got stuck in a tree, climbing after the neighbors cat. Playing with their cat because her parents never allowed pets.

A cold feeling of dread washes over him because Jeongguk has no idea to fix whatever he just fucked up.

***

You very almost cry when Jeongguk snaps at you, feeling irrationally hurt by his words. You shove it all down as you pull up your walls and shut him out to protect yourself. You serve him as quickly as possible, walking away without a friendly word.

"Trouble in paradise?" Jae smirks at you when you come back from serving Jeongguk.

You glare at her, not in the mood for dealing with her jealousy today. "No, just looking at your face is enough to put anyone in a bad mood."

Jae's eyes widened, fury spreading on her face. "You bitch!" She yells, raising a hand to slap you.

You smirk, catching her wrist easily. "Careful, just now you break a nail."

You let her go, walking away. You wait until you're in the bathroom, safely away from prying eyes in a locked stall, before letting you face crumple, only letting one tear escape before getting yourself under control.

You finish your shift, completely exhausted by the end of it – emotionally and physically. The last thing you have the energy for, is Jeongguk, so of course he's waiting for you at the personnel entrance and exit when you step outside. Intent on ignoring him, you pretend that you don't see him and you start walking in the direction of the train station.

Jeongguk follows you, apparently not easily deterred. "Will you just talk to me please?"

"What would you like me to say, Sir?" You ask in your most professional voice, looking ahead and not glancing at him.

"I'd like you to talk to me and stop treating me like I'm a customer." He says, sounding frustrated and desperate.

"You are a customer, Sir." You answer, still not looking at him.

"For fuck sakes, will you stop with the 'sir' already and talk to me like you used to?" Jeongguk all but explodes, stepping infront of you, and looking down at you for a change. It's startling, for a moment. You always look down at him when he sits at the table and it never occured to you that he's taller than you. He sets his hands on your shoulders (they're big and warm and you feel surprisingly safe, even when he squeezes slightly), frantic and desperate eyes looking into yours. "You don't even have to talk, you can yell or scream or shout for all I care, just please stop."

"You want me to talk? Fine." You glare up at him, shrugging out of his hold and taking a step back. He's way to close for comfort. "Look, I get I'm not exactly from the same side of town as you are, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of empathy. I'd bet that I have more empathy than most people you know. So, when someone I see as a kind of friend, snaps at me when I ask them what's wrong out of concern, when they could have said they don't want to talk about it, it hurts." You rant, a little out of breath. "Do you understand that? You hurt me."

"I'm sorry. Fuck, I am so sorry, you have no idea. I shouldn't have snapped at you and I regretted it the moment I did it. I was angry, and I know it isn't an excuse but it's the truth."

"Sorry isn't going to fix it," You say, voice edging on being too sharp. Your heart twists when his face falls. You soften a bit. "But it is a step in the right direction."

Jeongguk perks up, "What's another?"

"For starters, next time you don't want to talk about me, tell me instead of snapping at me." You give him a pointed glare, crossing your arms over your chest.

Jeongguk gives you an apologetic look, "Again, I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean to snap at you. I came to talk to you, hoping I'd calm down a bit. I had an ugly fight some dumbass that tried to sell low quality material to us and I took it out of you."

You are reminded of the fact that he is the heir to his father's multi-billion won international conglomerate and for some reason, it makes you sad. You smile at him, ignoring the sadness. "Well, you're forgiven but I'm not forgotting."

"I wouldn't dream of it." He grins cheekily. He paused for a moment, then smirks at you. "So, we're friends now?"

You groan, "I should have known that would come back to bit me I'm the ass."

***

A large bouquet of pink tulips is delivered to you the next morning. Inside is a card that reads:

Thank you for never giving up on me. -JJK

Lee whistles loudly when she sees them and your cheek burn. "Someone must really like you."

"It's from a friend." You say, ignoring the fluttering in your belly.

"My point still stands. Those are out of season, you know." She remarks.

You nod, "I know. They're my favourite."

You finish your shift with a smile on your face. Until your boss calls you into his office.

"Yes, Sir?" You ask, still smiling and the bouquet of flowers in your one hand, backpack up on your shoulders and ready to go home.

"Y/N. I'll get right to the point. There's been a complaint that you've been too friendly with one of our customers." He says bluntly.

You almost drop your flowers in shock, "What?"

"I'm sorry to do this, Y/N, but it is a direct violation of the contract you signed when you started here. Professionalism is our top priority. I have no choice but to fire you." He says, and he does look sorry as he holds out an envelope to you. "This is the week's wages. Again, I'm sorry. You are a good worker."

"You're firing me because of something someone accused me off?" You ask, indignant and a little angry. "You're not even going to ask me if I did it? And if I did it, why I didn't stop?"

"The accusation came from a very trustworthy customer that was concerned that our reputation might be damaged." Your manager says. "If it gets to the owner and he finds out I did nothing, I could loose my job."

You scoff, taking the envelope. If you didn't need the money, you'd have thrown it back in his face. "So, it's okay for me to loose mine?"

"I'm sorry."

"So am I." You say before turning around and leaving.

***

The first day she's not there, Jeongguk brushes it off, thinking she has the day off and forgot to tell him. The second day, he starts to worry, just a little. The third day, he almost thinks himself into a mental breakdown. The fourth day, he demands to see the manager.

"Mr. Jeon." The manager greets with a smile that was clearly fake. Jeongguk thought back to Y/N, who never smiled much but when she did, it was honest and pure and breathtaking. He misses it and would do whatever it takes to get it back.

"Where is Y/N?" He demands, voice and gaze equally cold and intimidating. It's a side of him that she broke through within minutes, digging up the real Jeongguk and pulling him to the surface. The past months, he's been able to breathe again, live instead of just existing, waiting for the next person that wants his money. But that cold and calculating side of him is still there.

The manager pales and Jeongguk's worry increases. Did something happen to her? The manager shifts on his feet but still doesn't answer. "If you don't answer me within the next five seconds, I will call the owner and ask him to answer me."

"S-she was fired." The man stutters out.

Jeongguk feels his stomach drop. She never outright said it but he knows she depends heavily on the income from this job. It worries him, because he has this urge to take care of her. He wants to give her as much money as she needs, for her to live comfortably, but he knows she wouldn't take it. He glares at the manager, "Why?"

"Someone filed a complaint against her. She was getting to friendly with y-you." The manager says, looking a little terrified.

Jeongguk clenches his jaw, "And instead of asking me if I have a problem with it, you fired her?"

"Her contract says-"

Jeongguk stands up, towering over the man in height and size. "I don't give a shit what her contract says. How many times have I filed a complaint when the servers made me inappropriate offers and crude suggestions? I never once complained about her."

Jeongguk doesn't give the manager anymore time to do anything other than letting out a squeak before turning around and leaving the restaurant.

***

Five days after you were fired, you started too feel it. The absence of Jeongguk's presence. At first, you didn't notice it. To wrapped up in finding another job, worried about money and going to classes to think about it. But today is Sunday and the diner you found a temporary job at two days ago, is closed on Sundays. It's crappy pay and not alot of hours either but it was something and it'll help until you could get something else.

You lay on your bed, listening to your mom vacuuming the living room. University housing was expensive and you'd rather live at home and save the money than having even more debt. You laze the day away, knowing that none of the projects you have, is due that Monday. Your thoughts drift back to Jeongguk, like it always does. You honestly didn't think you'd end up missing him this much.

You like him, so fucking much. You figured it out a long time ago. You also know that you come from two different worlds. You are fine with that, you accepted it and you were content to be his friend.

Now he's completely gone from your life. Ripped out of it without warning.

You go to your classes the next day. In your last one, you doodle absentmindedly on the corner of your notebook, only half listening to the Professor. When the class is over, you look at what you drew and then groan out loud. Jeongguk's initials. Of fucking course. You scoff to yourself, leaving the class and then the building. You want to go home and sulk in privacy.

Outside, the sun was shining and you stood still for a moment, soaking in the warmth.

"Y/N!" A voice yelled your name and your head whips in the direction because you know that voice. You look, eyes searching desperately because you are so sure it was his voice. You're not hallucinating and- and there he is, running over to you.

"Jeongguk? What are you doing here?" You ask when he stops infront of you, completely bewildered.

He looks panicked and frantic. Like that day he snapped at you. He grips your shoulders, the hold almost painful. "You weren't there. I went to the restaurant and you weren't there and the manager told me you were fired and-"

"Jeongguk, stop. Breathe." You say, reaching up to hold onto his wrists, lightly rubbing your thumbs over the inside of his wrists. You wait until his grip loosens, until he was holding instead of gripping. "How did you find me?"

"You told me where you go to school one day." He answers off handedly, eyes scanning over your face, almost as if memorising the little details. Guilt flashes on his face, "I'm sorry you were fired."

You laugh at his words, removing his hands from your shoulders because it was getting a little too intimate, your heartbeat speeding up. "You know, half the time I see you, you end up apologizing to me."

"Hey, it's weird for me too." Jeongguk pouts and you have this urge to rise on your tiptoes and kiss it. "I'm not used to apologizing."

"Don't worry about it, I'm not angry." You wave him off.

"Can we talk?" He pleads and you agree immediately because you missed him so much.

"Yeah, there's a park nearby."

"Scared to be seen with me?" He teases with a smirk, and for a moment it's like nothing has changed.

You snort, "Don't you know? The walls has ears and Twitter accounts."

Jeongguk laughs, loud and unrestrained, throwing his head back. You couldn't help but smile. "This way."

You guide him to the park. It wasn't very big, and not a lot of people came here either, so it was perfect to talk. You each sit down on a swing.

"What are you gonna do now?" Jeongguk asks.

You shrug, "No clue, but I'll figure something out."

A guilty look spreads on his face again, "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have-"

You cut him off, "Shouldn't have what? Let a server talk back to you? Yeah, probably not but we both enjoyed it, so it's on you as much it is on you. More on me though, because it was my responsibility as an employee to treat you with respect."

"You did," Jeongguk says immediately, sincerely. "Even when you were at your most brutally honest moments."

You give him a slight smile. "Well, fun as it was, it seems our path has come to an end."

"Why?" Jeongguk frowns heavily at you.

"Huh?"

Jeongguk looks you in the eye, gaze piercing. "Why does it have to end?"

You snorted, thinking he was messing with you but his eyes were completely serious. You answer in a matter-of-fact tone, "Because you're you and I'm me. Besides, most of the time we argued."

"Y/N." He says your name like it is his greatest wish. He stands up from his swing, making his way infront of you and pulled you to your feet. He looks at you, eyes impossibly fond, "That wasn't arguing. It was banter. If you think that's arguing, you probably think my parents goes to war every now and again." He smiles, a little nervous. "And foe the record, I would rather argue with you for the rest of my life than ever kiss another girl again."

Your mouth drops open in shock, and you really don't know what the fuck to make of that. "I-"

He cuts you off, "And I don't want this to be over."

Silence falls between you two. You stare at him, he stares back. Until, finally, you blurt, "I don't know what to say."

Jeongguk is a little bit disappointed, but not surprised in the slightest. At least it isn't an outright rejection. "You don't have to say anything. Just answer one question."

"Okay?"

"Would you want to date me?" You choke on thin air from shock. That means that he feels the same way as you do, right? Happiness makes your blood sing. Then it sinks in and reality comes back to you. Your happiness evaporates and you swallow thickly. You open your mouth to tell him 'no', but once again Jeongguk cuts you off before you could say something. "Forget about our social status, forget about what people would say and think about me and you. Together. Really think about it. I have, and I think we could work, if you gave it a chance."

"And if it doesn't work?" You ask softly, vulnerable in a way you've never been before. Distantly you wonder how he knew what you were thinking.

"Then at least we can say we tried." He shrugs.

You look down at the ground, wanting to think without looking at him, into those mesmerizing eyes of his. He could ask you to commit murder, and chances are that you'll do it if he looks at you long enough. When did you become so completely gone for him? You think about it, but there was never a moment where you realised, this is the person I like. Maybe . . . maybe it's because you've always liked him. Right from the start, even when he was infuriating. The thought is startling, but you aren't scared by it. It's more like another piece of the puzzle between you and Jeongguk has fallen into place. But there is the problem of your different social statuses. Yeah, Jeongguk said forget about it, but for how long? If you try and this does work out, then eventually you'll have to face the reality of everything that comes with being together. Somehow that scares you more than if it doesn't work.

You look back up at him, and you know – despite all your worries and doubts – it was never really a choice because you choose Jeongguk the moment you chose to accept his offer of being honest all those months ago. "Okay."

Jeongguk looks like he's ready to argue, "I-" You watch as your answer sinks in. The stunned expression almost makes you laugh, "What?"

"Did you want me to say no?" You give him an amused look, smile curling the corners of your lips upwards.

His eyes widens and he shakes his head frantically, "No, no, no, I just wasn't expecting you to say yes to quickly."

"That makes two of us." You admit. Jeongguk is right though, better to try and either fail or succeed, or never try and forever wonder what if. You smile up at him, heart soaring happily. "You make a good case. You should have become a lawyer."

Jeongguk's eyes light up, "Just wait until you hear the case I have to make on why we should kiss."

"Tell you what, if you kiss me within the next three seconds, you don't have to make a case at all." You bargained with a grin.

Jeongguk didn't need to be told twice. He leaned close and kissed you, slow and deep, one hand slipping into your hair and the other curling around your waist, pulling you close to him. He breaks the kiss, licking his lips and your eyes are drawn to the action. You lick your own lips, liking the taste of him. His voice is deep and rough, his cheeks flushed, when he asks, "Want to go get something to drink?"

"Yeah," You nod with a goofy smile, your own cheeks also flushed, feeling like you might float away at any second. "I could go for a smoothie."

"I love smoothies." Jeongguk grins back at you, taking your hand, lacing your fingers. His other hand was still wrapped around your waist and hold you close.

An old question flashes across your mind as you run your hands up his chest, liking the strong, study feel of it, until you can lock your arms around his neck. "You know, I've been meaning to ask."

"Mmm?" Jeongguk hummed in acknowledgement, showing that he was listening.

"Why didn't you get me fired that first day?" You ask, aware that you are suppose to be getting smoothies but it could wait for a bit.

Jeongguk had been expecting this question for a while, and had come up with an answer a long time ago. He looks down at her with all he feels for her, a content smile on his lips.

"Because you were the first honest person I have met in years. Because you put me in my place without thinking twice. Because when you glared down at me after I changed my order for the sixth time, there was a fire in your eyes that woke something inside of me that I couldn't control. Not then and not now." He leaned down, rubbing his nose against hers, the gesture shy and intimate. "Because the fact is, you had me at 'indecisive snot'."

the end.

A/N: Tumblr and it's 250 box limit will be the death of me, I swear. I get it, I do. But come on! This very almost didn't fit, I had to edit and mush several chapters into one. Eventually it fit, but NEVER AGAIN! It was exhausting and time consuming. I'll rather split it again, like I did with two of my other fics. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. This took me a while with all the editing. Purple hearts for all of you!! -Kayla.

[jaimebluesq]

WIP Wednesday - 10/05

A little something from a longer fic I'm writing - the scene turned out really well so I thought I'd share it. Post-canon, NHS owning the Jianghu :D (This was SO satisfying to write, ngl) WWX's pov

~~~

“Why are we even arguing?” Sect Leader Huang shouted, quieting most of the noise. “We all know there are only two possible candidates.”

“You're wrong,” Sect Leader Yao countered. “There is absolutely no reason a minor sect leader cannot be Chief Cultivator!”

Sect Leader Huang glared at Sect Leader Yao, then looked to the rest of the men and women in the hall. “Is there even a single person in here who would vote for Yao-zongzhu?” Sect Leader Yao's bluster began to fade as not a single person spoke up in his defence – in fact, he looked rather offended when Sect Leader Ouyang avoided his gaze. “Only the larger sects have the history, the resources, and the connections to give legitimacy to the role, and among them, Jin-zongzhu is far too young and inexperienced, and Lan-zongzhu is in seclusion. That leaves us with Jiang-zongzhu and Nie-zongzhu, whether you like it or not.”

There was more murmuring throughout the room, though it was halted by a loud cough coming from the head of the Nie contingent. Nie Huaisang stood up and flicked his fan open, using it to cool himself as he faced Sect Leader Huang. “I believe I can make this even simpler for the leaders of the Jianghu,” he said in a serious tone that few in the room had likely ever heard from the 'Headshaker'. “Even should you decide to vote for me, I cannot possibly accept.”

“But why?” Sect Leader Yao looked confused that anyone would reject such a prestigious position, and he was not the only one.

Nie Huaisang's fan paused and he took in a deep breath before closing it once again. “The reason is actually something I had planned to announce at the end of the conference, though I suppose there is no better time than the present. I cannot be Chief Cultivator because in two months' time, I am abdicating my position as Nie-zongzhu and handing it down to my Head Disciple, Nie Zuilong.”

For a single moment, the room was so silent that Wei Wuxian could have heard the dropping of a pin – then it was suddenly filled with people voicing their shock. At first, it looked like the many comments were falling upon deaf ears as Nie Huaisang made no reaction, but then Wei Wuxian heard someone shouting out, What would Nie Mingjue think about this?

Wei Wuxian's eyes went straight to Nie Huaisang in time to watch his jaw clench, then suddenly his fan was thrown to the floor, the dark metal banging against the polished wood of Lotus Pier's main hall and drawing the attention of every pair of eyes in the room.

“What would my brother think?” Nie Huaisang echoed – and if looks could kill, the unknown disciple who had asked the question would be on his way to his next life. “My brother has no opinion because he isn't here. He's dead, locked in a tomb with the very man who murdered him. If you want to go to Yunping and open his coffin to ask his opinion, then by all means, do so.”

“Now be fair, Nie-zongzhu,” Sect Leader Ouyang said condescendingly. “The comment was perhaps a little out of line, but your answer doesn't become a proper sect leader.” Behind him, his son shrank away, looking like he would much rather be sitting with the Lan or Jin delegations.

Wei Wuxian thought back to the first time he'd met with Nie Huaisang after being returned and thinking how sad it was that his old friend had grown so weak and helpless, and he remembered the way the man had passed out in the treasure room beneath Koi Tower – he could see how the other sect leaders would feel themselves better than someone like the Headshaker. But he also remembered Jin Guangyao's final words and his own suspicions about just how much Nie Huaisang may have been involved in his downfall. At his side, Lan Wangji tensed as if getting ready to involve himself – Wei Wuxian placed a hand on his husband's arm and shook his head.

He wanted to see where this would go – he had a feeling it was going to be quite entertaining, and possibly cathartic. He couldn't help but notice at the head of the hall, Jiang Cheng was keeping out of it as well, also looking like he was curious about how this argument would go.

Nie Huaisang's lips curved into a smile and Sect Leader Ouyang relaxed – likely because, unlike Wei Wuxian, he hadn't noticed that the smile did not reach Nie Huaisang's eyes. “Why thank you, Ouyang-zongzhu, for telling me how I should and should not comport myself. I'll surely take advice from a man who is incapable of telling when he has bored the rest of the conference attendees to death.”

There were a few chuckles from around the room, but Nie Huaisang was not laughing.

Wei Wuxian suddenly wished he had some peanuts to eat while watching the show.

“Though if you would take some advice from this humble one,” Nie Huaisang continued, and to Wei Wuxian, his voiced sounded menacing. “I would do a better job locking the door when having those 'private' meetings with Yao-zongzhu - I fear your wife 'overheard' your last meeting, and may now have the wrong impression about your relationship with him – that is why she chose not to accompany you today, is it not?”

Whispers spread throughout the room. Sect Leader Yao let out a forced laugh. “Ah, how amusing Nie-zongzhu, really. Now perhaps we can ignore such ridiculous fabrications and get back to business.”

“Ridiculous,” Nie Huaisang echoed, his eyes narrowing and looking remarkably like his brother.

Something was placed on the table in front of Wei Wuxian; he looked down to see a small bag of peanuts. He looked up at Lan Wangji and grinned, blowing him a kiss in thanks, then began cracking open the first nut.

“Ridiculous.” Oh, Nie Huaisang now sounded just this side of unhinged, and Wei Wuxian was loving it. “Let me tell you what's ridiculous: the pile of trade offers that landed on my desk in the wake of Liangfang-zun's death. After ten years of thinking the only reason you couldn't take advantage of my unsuitability as sect leader was that I had his and Zewu-Jun's support and aid, you were all suddenly interested in sending the most insulting offers now that neither of them are here to act as my support. All of you! With certain notable exceptions,” he added with nods to Jiang Cheng, Jin Ling, and Lan Wangji.

The only other sound in the room was the cracking of Wei Wuxian's peanut shell.

“Not that none of you tried to get to me when they weren't around,” Nie Huaisang continued, beginning to walk down the room so he could look from one sect leader to another. “Oh, you did try, and every now and then I'd let you think you got one over on me and go cry to San-ge that I thought I'd messed something up, because every time I wanted to remind him about just what sort of position he had put me in!”

There was a small sound from behind Wei Wuxian; he glanced back and saw Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi watching raptly, with the former's hand clapped to the latter's mouth to keep him from making any noise. He grabbed a few peanuts and dropped them on their tables to share.

“What fucking irony that in ten years of being unable to sleep at night, of being constantly paranoid and terrified that he was going to find out I knew what he did to my brother,” there were gasps from the crowd, “ten years of hating him... and I still like and respect him more than almost every single one of you! How does it feel,” Nie Huaisang paused before Sect Leaders Yao and Ouyang, “to know the son of a whore you all derided and turned on the moment it was convenient, that he was better than the lot of you put together!”

The various sect leaders in the crowd looked insulted, but none of them dared speak. Wei Wuxian, quite frankly, thought they could use a good dressing down.

“I didn't want this, any of this,” Nie Huaisang continued with a wave of his hand, once again pacing along the hall. “And you dare to even suggest making me Chief Cultivator?! What would my brother think? He would think the same as I do, that the only reason you would want me in the position would be because you think I'm easily manipulated without anyone else to watch out for me.”

Wei Wuxian saw Jiang Cheng lift a hand to rub at his lower face and wondered if he was the only one who'd noticed the smirk being hidden behind that hand.

“And perhaps there might have been a time I would have allowed you to think that and gone along with it, and used your ignorance against you once I was elected... but I'm so fucking tired, and I want out.” Nie Huaisang's shoulders dropped as if he was running out of steam. “I've given up so much to try and make Da-ge proud, to not let our sect be destroyed or absorbed by another because I owed him that much. You have no idea what I've let go of or put on hold because I couldn't risk watching the things I love be destroyed. None of you have any right to ask more of me. I'm done, I've had enough, and in two months' time, there will be another Nie to deal with all of your bullshit.”

Nie Huaisang stopped his pacing next to the fan he had thrown, picking it up and cradling it between his hands. He turned and faced the head of the room, lowering into a formal bow to Jiang Cheng. “My deepest apologies, Jiang-zongzhu, for the disruption. No disrespect was intended to our host – you have always been one of the few to be just and honest in your dealings with Qinghe Nie.”

“No offence was taken,” Jiang Cheng replied simply. “I think the Jianghu can do with a little more blunt honesty.”

“Thank you.” Nie Huaisang set his shoulders back. “Now, I'm afraid I'm feeling a little under the weather and will leave the conference to decide as it will. I will leave all votes to my Head Disciple, who will act on my behalf.”

Nie Huaisang made a perfect, graceful turn and strode down the hall, leaving a room full of angry and embarrassed sect leaders in his wake.

[helloentropy]

I'm going to be bitching about a book series so if you don't want any negativity, please skip reading this post.

I'm so sad and angry how the Anita Blake series has went downhill.

I honestly think an actual editor would be able to force Hamilton to write actual quality content instead of the stuff we get.

I have a lot to thank for this series, it helped me through a really tough period of my life so the early books are always going to be near and dear to me, and it also helped me explore my sexuality, but it's so disheartening to see something you love crumble before your eyes.

I don't mind that Anita Blake as a character is Hamilton's self-insert and power fantasy, however, Anita Blake (the character) has become so overpowered that it makes her bland. Her personality has barely shifted and every dialogue and conversation is always about the same topics, and it's frustrating.

In a lot of cases, as readers we can separate a character's attitudes and thoughts from the author, sadly, the same can't be said in Hamilton's case. Her writing comes across as incredibly tone-deaf because she won't admit that police in the USA are out of control and police in her books are most of the time presented as these knights of shining armor.

It would be nice if as readers we could provide genuine feedback, but Hamilton simply ignores any criticism (hence her not having an editor) and her views on fanfiction squashes any creativity someone who loves the series would love to create.

I'm going to be honest, I haven't paid for the last 5 books because I can't financially support an author who disregards everyone around her.

I'd rather wait 5 years for a quality book than have Hamilton churn our subpar ones ever 1-2 years.

[mintffxiv]

⚠️HUGE SPOILERS⚠️

VERY long thought post about sad boy Hermes and ramblings on EndWalker.

-Estimated Reading Time: 29 minutes

-Estimated Speaking Time: 44 mins

There are at least four varients of the soul of Hermes.

We have original Hermes, his ascension to the seat of Fandaniel, his reborn self Amon and then his nameless form taking the name of his still current (even though a 'lesser form') seat of Fandaniel.

Hermes for me represents many things but the most is Hope and Despair.

The Ascians are majorly based on the Ancient Greeks. Hermes being the God messenger. But what happens to a person if their hearts and souls desire is deprived and confined?

He is the messenger but no one was listening. When you are a depressed person you can give out so many signals but more often than not these signals fall on deaf ears before you become consumed by your grief of loneliness.

To go more into detail, everyone knew Hermes had a brilliant mind but that he was also beautifully and extremely sensitive and caring. Appreciating all forms of life despite some of their shortcomings. If some lifeforms were too dangerous he would promise to make them better next time rather than just pretend they didn't exist. As if they was trash.

But there is also being too blindly optimistic to the point of foolishness. An example is the creature that was to be made extinct in its current state and then be reassessed for improvement. In this case it needed to be done because the creation was extremely dangerous, even though that was it's nature. I know Hermes isn't so idealistic that he ignored this, he just wanted more chances for natural growth improvements rather then destroy it immediately. But here lies another one of his problems.

Hermes main problem was that he kept all of this internalised and over thought things, especially what others might be thinking. Nobody knew about his deep emotions ('defects') aside from being seen as too 'sensitive' or 'eccentric'. But this also isn't his fault. Keeping quiet and to yourself is a natural reaction to being ostracised and ignored MANY times. This adds to why he presumably thought what others would be thinking because like Meteion you don't always have to use words to pick up on things. But it definitely helps if you actually ask and not always use your gut feeling!

The most I'd say someone knew of him was that he really likes candied apples. Isn't that sad? They didn't know how much pain he was in, how lonely and afraid let alone what makes him happy. What are his other hobbies and so on. Then again if they knew would they also throw Hermes away as a failure?

So he made his own friend or reflection of his inner innocence and curiosity that wasn't plagued by the illusion/burden of fulfilling a role and nothing else.

When you're so isolated you can look for solace in bad places. Each Meteion went looking for Hermes for a reason to live and a reason for life. They all came back with more despair since the places they found suffered greatly and in a twisted sense of kindness the Meteions went to end their suffering just like the thousands and thousands of defects on Elpis.

Hermes filled with so much despair had a broken realisation that if life in Etheirys was affected with even the tiny amount of emotion (dynamis) then this time he would speak so loudly that everyone will finally hear the message. A cold unsympathetic judgment of Etheirys. After all the Meteia observed and concluded that all life was doomed. And so a haunting song would be sung of beginning of the end to create an eternal slumber.

"Hear, FEEL, think." A message our dearest Hydaelyn said over and over in a desperate but calm prayer. Please feel emotions.

Of course now the problem was that the message of finding solace became corrupted by a deep sorrow that could only be drowned out by the complete silence of life and its questions.

But as we see, so gentle and small that a flower blooms it does not ask for much. It's everlasting beauty of simply being alive, dying and being reborn is enough.

Life just is.

It's annoyingly vague and confusing but it's strength is that it doesn't need to have an answer. It's lighter than air but more solid than rock. And unbreakable energy that blooms no matter the weather. And letting go of the frustration and fear of 'why's' actually gives you the chance to enjoy it.

Easier said then done for depressed people like myself, as you tend to ask more of these empty questions when you only have your mind to talk too.

Loneliness makes you do strange things. It is the most experienced form of torture. It's why solitary confinement is used for people in prison. It's not even like you need thousands of attention, just at least one similar soul to connect with.

It's why the conversation with Hermes touched me so much. He seemed so eager to talk more but when you've been let down so many times it's like a dream or talking to an imaginary (familiar) friend. It's not real, not really. Just a simple bandage that will fall of in a short time. You can even start to smile and have fun pretending that you'll be okay, but you know how empty you feel. It takes so much convincing to help deeply sad people feel anything again. Hope is always there but sometimes it just makes you feel even more crazy. Like it's a cruel joke. And that's how you end up with the chaotic mass suicidal Fandaniel.

Hermes wanted his closest Meteion to explore the beloved Etheirys properly with all the excitement and wonder he could not because of his high expectation to fulfill his role. But as she was still communicating with her sisters he had to wait to see and anxiously keep putting it off. The stress must have be devastatingly heavy. The Ascians chose when they passed on but didn't think to give more time for anything else.

Even then it was extremely rare for Ascians especially the 14 to not retire and pass on. Venat and Elidibus ( although I think he had more of a respected 'reason') are some of few who stayed alive past retirement. If I was Hermes that would add to my fears of the judgemental mass conseus of the Acians and my own emotions would be once again be buried. Speaking out, let alone being the first to speak out about your depression is like walking off a cliff, even though you're actively drowning you're used to it. Which is sad but the road most traveled is so much easier to bare the thought of. Even if its uphill and filled with nettles, it's much easier to convince yourself that it's not worth the trouble to stray from the path you've always taken even if it wasn't your choice to take. You get used to pain and start to not question or even think of alternatives since thinking becomes increasingly exhausting.

If only the also eccentric free spirited Venat could have been a wake up chance for Hermes when she didn't pass on. That hey there is another out of the box person like me! I mean she has a giant dog and bunnies she's perfect with Hermes and his flying flock of Meteia! But he was also with a huge majority of people who do their role and are happy with it. The answers are always easy to say but when you're actually there not so much. A good example Family life, especially for women. If you are not married and have at least one child before 35 there is a 'problem'. It doesn't even have to be said its just so strong in our society that the pressure is present.

Despite this I still believe he could have waited as Fandaniel to see his answer, it's not like the 14 are busy all the time. But as I've said would they even listen to his ideas that wasn't just about work? Sure their work is fun and beautiful but it's also empty. What is the point of creating anything if you don't at least enjoy it in a more meaningful way then just shipping it off once the 'product' was acceptable. Not saying they didn't enjoy their works, but they was also content with just destroying it. They could have fun destroying life, which is quite upsetting to say the least!

Remember this isn't like the sims here, they are creating living life forms! And this callousness lasted many years and more with how the broken Emets spoke about our own lives! Now he does have a reason why he did the things he did, it's upsetting but also makes sense why he did. But that is a part of what Hermes was trying to say. He was saying;

-My fellow Ascians, you only care about your own lives and enjoyment. You only see yourselves as worthy of life but others can say the same thing as they too are alive. How will you react when you are treated just the same as those you deem unworthy of life?

(Imagining this being said in his voice in fun haha!)

Life and death are indiscriminate forces. Once again frustrating but also reasurring. The only others who truly knew the real enjoyment of life was the seat of Azem (us) and the former seat Venat (love you mum) as they actually explored Etheirys and all it's creations. The rest of the Ascians mostly theorised and made presumptions including Hermes.

Spending your time in the clouds is idyllic but it also creates a foggy (word play is fun) image of the world around you. It's the same as experience is the best teacher, and that you can only relate/empathise so much. But that's also why gate keeping in smaller instances is a problem, case and point example:

-Emets: You don't deserve life because you're a lesser being and my kind deserve that right.

-Fandaniel: You don't deserve life because you only care about yourselves and thus cannot understand the value life.

-Azem: Stop debating and help me! I'm gonna die in a volcano!

Side note! Grapes for the win! Honestly I actually noticed the block grapes myself and was going to take a picture because I got excited for the WoL but it was at night time (in game) and I was busy you know with the story haha. Also I didn't hate the look of them but I thought "Hmm... I don't that that looks aesthetically pleasing as much as I'd want!" Haha! I really love the references to their comic stories and etc! I'm happy to have read most of them! I smiled brightly with the references because usually I miss out as I either don't know or the extra information is too much and I can't keep up so it felt really good! It would be nice if they included the stories in game though like the cutscene desk. I think it would be nice to quickly be able to read it game but also to easily update any new chapters so these less chance of missing out on the stories.

Back to my ramblings.

This lack of experience has an effect on Meteion as she was created by Hermes who doesn't have experience on living a 'normal' life. What she sets out to find ends up not matching the requirements of what Hermes desires as her sisters despair causes them to destroy the worlds and thus having only limited answers to share. There are most like many more words the Meteia was unable to explore due to their mental break but also perhaps physical limitations as well as they are still new life forms. It's very hard for even the most logical person to be unbiased to their own emotions and wants. In her limited experience of life all she sees is the self absorbed Ascians (which is also influenced by Hermes's stress by their actions which Meteion picks up on as an entelechy) and the other worlds that had the' curse' of emotions which lead to suffering. What she mostly observed was regardless of the perspective was selfishness.

And that leads back to Hermes. Aside from my own relation and care for Hermes he was incredibly selfish deciding the fate of Etheirys because he was anguished. Now I know it was a long list of reasons why he got to that state but I and so many other people who suffer do not want others to suffer! Do not take others with you! It is their right to live their own life! I know misery loves company doesn't just mean depressed people, it's also for jealous, selfish and angry people but it does lean towards depression here which I dislike because it adds more of a stigma and dismissal of mentally struggling people that are already having to fight for understanding! It's also very frustrating being a 'lesson' for regular people.

Let me elaborate; for example you know reality shows where a millionaire will work at like McDonald's for a week and become 'enlightened' by normal people. They'll do things like over praise and be astounded by how people budget for things, like those annoying youtubers who do 'Living on £1 a day! Shocking!' garbage when wow people actually can and have to do this not that these 'inspired' people would do anything to improve that fact! Now being motivated by struggling or disabled people isn't bad at all and I myself get inspired top but it's the bullshit inspiration porn that pisses me off. My or someone else struggles isn't for those people to patronise and say stuff like 'You're so brave!' then dissappear into their bubble feeling like they did a good thing by letting us know their lame 'compliment'.

This is a sore spot for me because I've had this often in my life where estranged people will praise me like a child and feel good about it but not actually give a damn because that requires real interest and admiration. They also tend to not care about potentially helping you, they just want the quick good feels from your 'bravery', when usually as well things that you will do that is brave will just be dismissed because it's what they can do easily or not exciting enough. I just feel frustrated here at the blasphemy being these types of lessons. Can we not do that and find a way to save them because as I've said it's really cruel for people like myself! It's basically saying if you're depressed like this you might as well die because you're a lost cause! Even though I don't think it's intentional it did come across that way for me and sorry if this wasn't fully clear. It's hard for me to explain but I hope the point about using people as lessons to make their already okay lives feel better is really gross and I detest it.

I know they have good intentions and are most likely trying to persuade people to not fall into that dark place and become 'hopeless' but it just makes it more difficult for people to seek help because of being seen a hopeless. For me a good lesson and message would be that even if you struggle you might not come out of it but you have value and there are always things to smile about. The tainted in Amh Areng outcome was a bit vague at when they'll recover but it showed they had chance of recovery from once hopeless state. Then again both that and the tempered are suffering from physical illnesses which are accepted as valid reasons for being unwell and mental illnesses like the blasphemy aren't. They're either seen as hopeless or the typical just smile and be happy nonsense. As if anyone who got depressed even if in a more milder state chose it!

Ugh! I'm just hoping that like the tempered that eventually they'll find a way to tell us those that were put down are alive somewhere as energy being reborn and those that turn can be captured and cured with a porxie or something! End rant back and to the rambles!

I know that Hermes would have found so many like minded souls even some he didn't expect and some themselves who didn't realise their own sorrow as friends. I myself for a solid year did not realise I was depressed! It's a little strange to think of but when mental health is so taboo or excused you miss all the signs and the slow consistent isolation begins.

You could be the most outwardly social and or jovial person but like most it's a front. Another bandage on an ever expanding wound. And when you can no longer stand because it's too big and deep you either succumb to it by losing yourself or worse.

But then as I said he didn't look for help around him because they couldn't even give him hope to listen. The silent circle, that gets tighter and tighter into a strangle like noose. The desperate empty struggle to wake up each day with anything to keep you there. Oh Hermes.

But there is hope for the other timeline of beloved Etheirys. Venat is now aware of would could happen to her timeline because of us informing her of what happened to ours. Hermes through us finally managed to get someone to listen. And like our little blue bird Meteion getting her wings to finally fly, we too have a new chance to be an adventurer again. To not just fight to live but to do what we want with it. When hardships get in our way we open up to others to help us lift the burden and we do the same for them. Sometimes we can lose and that's okay too. Of course this is all in terms of the game as WoL.

In my own human life the present is far more difficult but there are helpful reinforcements that helped which is to (try to) ask for help when you need it big or small and that there is someone out in this big world of ours that thinks just like you which is comforting. The Internet is very helpful for this, especially for me I wouldn't even have friends if not for this making me cry for years game haha!

Onto a little bit on little Meteion.

As I mentioned, I believe aside from being a tool she is Hermes's hope, innocence and freedom into finding a reason/meaning for living and of life itself. But this is a huge task especially since she's childlike, immature and inexperienced. Being childlike brings a vast amount of wonder, curiouty, and having a open minded heart but it also brings naivety, gullibility and not being able to think rationally. Lots of y's here... Why! (Listen this is a long post my brain is fried and I'm also lame lol).

She was just not up to the task and that's okay. She lost her way but eventually found her way home. Of course it's hard like with many people to be conflicted by the good and the bad especially in one like a child or immortal like beings with a warped sense of morality but as we all saw and with other now destroyed worlds that they all tried their best, that is enough. I don't mean for example the unsundered crimes as doing their best, more on it being hard to judge because of the multiple layers of the events that created such insanity. I suppose best would be better said as they did what they thought was right and not completely selfishly destructive like Fandaniel.

Side Note 2: When we was looking for where all the Meteions flew off from and the person said the 'Meteia' I was like hah-wait a minute! METEOR. DUN. DUN. DUNNN!

♫Estuans interius

Ira vehementi

Estuans interius

Ira vehementi

Sephiroth

Sephiroth♫

I'm like... Oh shit! Haha! Well when I first saw her I was like aww cute! Then , oh playable race?! Then I was like oh Meteion is a strange but nice name! I think in the back of my noggin' I knew somehting was up haha!

Meteion also bring able to communicate without words or simplified communication is very touching. This is so helpful for those some socially awkward, disabled or just because it can be difficult for anyone expressing themselves. Especially when they do it might seem strange to others and so it becomes harder due to fear of judgement. This once again shows the gentle kindness of Hermes making it so they are heard like he wishes to be.

Another thing, like Meteion the Ascians also experienced many things for the first time. That is why the end days was so devestating for them. I think this is also a reason why only Venat was able to see an alternative and why Azem left their seat during the brainwashed ptsd discussions on Zodiark because they had more experience on the 'little' things that can lead to very big things and the awareness of morality and fear. But it's very hard to calm down even one person from doom let alone hundreds in a mass panic.

These world's represent our past, present and futures. We need to learn from our past, enjoy our present to improve our futures. We have all made mistakes, some worse that need to be punished but as long as we remember (that we onced lived, don't worry Emets WE DID haha) to hold onto hope and each other, despair and fear won't win.

Life goes on. No matter what you matter. You are apart of life. Regardless of what pain you might have you are valid.

Just because someone like the Ascians look, and act superior doesn't mean they are. Our world was broken, but we survived. We continously worked to understand each other, like the beginnings of many bridges with the beast tribes and our former enemy Garlemald. The Ascians could learn from us and I hope with our connection to past Venat they will. No I'm confident they will somehow in their own way!

Side note 3: I'm so happy we finally met Hythlodaeus! He stood out to me during ShB so the fact we met him and that he's as gorgeous and lovely as I thought makes me tearful! Not just visually, (he's beautiful) I mean his soul is gorgeous. I didn't cry when I saw him smile off as he went to die because I was already aware of it so I wasn't surprised and that meeting him alive now in a another timeline gave me so much hope for everyone in this timeline to not suffer the same fate! That they will learn from what we know to enjoy and appreciate all of life. To open the conversation about mental health and that hard times are manageable with the support of each other, which makes the easier times all the more precious and those harder times not as daunting. Besides I'm presuming from Emets saying how he remembered despite being in a different timeline to ours at the time of forgetting that all timelines exist together in the afterlife, so time doesn't really matter because they're all linked. What matters is that he and we matter, we exist just like life. Annoying but reasurring.

Anyway I love Hyth with all my heart. He and G'raha are firmly in my heart (as well as Hermes, Uri, Alphy, Ali, Venat and 2000 other characters haha but yeah these stand out!). I just want to tell Hyth how important and special he is as he down plays himself which is a thing he and Hermes could connect with! Ugh these characters, how I love them! I also want to tell Hermes that, even late bloomers bloom and that he has all the time he desires. I'm completely fine with waiting for the ones I love, it's no problem just don't forget me! I'm confident from what we know that he won't and that his living self on Elpis will be healed and will thus help others. These characters ahh!!

Just want to reiterate that what Fandaniel has done is terrible! Just because you have trauma doesn't give you a pass to do bad things. But I think it's also enough to understand and let things go so that the ones who passed like Haurche and Moen can rest knowing we did our best and carry on their torch that lit the way whilst being kind and fair to the confusing grey that is life. I think that Fandaniel is already being punished (at least by irritating Asahi), and that usually judgment or punishment is not ours to make especially when it's a difficult one. It's also up to the victim of crimes to find their own answers and that's their right to find it in their own time and how they want to. Supporting them by being rational to reason and open to emotions.

The Ascians also did what Hermes did, by doing terrible things caused by their trauma. It's upsetting, angering and frustrating but also understandble, relatable and emotional. As I've said two things can be true at the same time, it's why a case by case assessment is important even though difficult. Of course punishment comes in many forms but so does forgiveness. It especially helps if there is a heartfelt effort of willingness to do better, empathy then becomes natural and easier. Patience and time help out with these slow difficult processes as well.

Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Fandaniel! But seriously time heals or softens all wounds but more importantly gives new perspectives. Anger isn't a bad emotion it helps to get justice for many wrong things. But everything needs to be balanced not perfectly but just enough with time, place, experience, various perspectives and relying on others to help with that balancing act.

One more thing on Fannydanny (it's a good name alright!) is that as Hermes the Greek God he is known primarily as the messenger more from Wikipedia:

-'Hermes is considered the herald of the gods. He is also considered the protector of human heralds, travellers, thieves, merchants, and orators. He is able to move quickly and freely between the worlds of the mortal and the divine, aided by his winged sandals. Hermes plays the role of the psychopomp or "soul guide"—a conductor of souls into the afterlife. '

-'God of boundaries, roads and travelers, thieves, athletes, shepherds, commerce, speed, cunning, wit and sleep. Psychopomp and divine messenger.'

-'He is regarded as "the divine trickster," about which the Homeric Hymn to Hermes offers the most well-known account.'

And from mythopedia.com

-' God of commerce and luck, patron of travelers, thieves, and merchants, and champion of athletes and athletic competitions, Hermes was a wily trickster who often put his own amusement above the interests of the gods.'

You can see how Hermes's personality traits are laid out here. Now our Hermes and all his varients are not completely the same because this is an inspired and unique to Final Fantasy Hermes. You can see his trickster personality being very strong in his reborn Amon and Fandaniel state. Even with him choosing Asahi's corpse of all of our enemies to play around with!

In his insane chaotic state his Trickster ways has turned from haha silly eccentric Danny to mad psychopathic clown. PRANK GONE WRONG!

Ahem!

I also find myself laughing at insane things when highly stressed because what is there left to do? Cry!? Done enough of that it doesn't matter. But this madness goes from laughing is better than crying to a warped sociopathy that is incredibly destructive and dangerous. Like a coins sides, laughing and crying at times can sound similar.

It's also showing the drastic way one is not fully being themselves because of depression. You tend to stop doing even the simplist of things that make you happy. We hardly saw Hermes truly smile, he had a constant worried expression and was being haunted by his highly expected role to become Fandaniel.

Hermes, all his varients and his Meteion to me also show the 5 stages of grief/acceptance.

1: Hermes - Depression

2: Fandaniel - Denial

3: Amon - Bargaining

4: Reborn Fandaniel - Anger

5: Meteion - Acceptance

These can all be present in more than one stage of Hermes and Meteion but it's something I think is interesting.

Hermes shows us so much of what happens to a lonely soul. It really is painful and it changes you. It also shows us what happens in Meteion of the devastation of innocence lost, especially prematurely. Every one loses their innocence at one point. Usually it's not harmful and is a good sign of growing up, but sadly a lot of us get it taken away from us too soon. Meteion is not a child per se but she is experiencing things for the first time some even before all of life on Ethierys. And just like Hermes she was expected to fulfill her role and that is why like a child she ran away. She didn't want to disappoint Hermes in anyway but it was too hard even if telling him what she thought was the truth of her results. All her sisters (varients) who suffered before her had also been stages of grief/acceptance. Hermes also ran way in fear but being first time for doing something outwardly for himself it was a cathartic but also terrible Pandora's box he opened. The powerful freedom of being extremely selfish.

Another interesting thing is how Meteion visually turns black and white when being consumed by despair it not only represents the life drained out of her but in the end the fact that not everything is black and white, that two things can be true at the same time and that there is good and bad in all of us is a really nice detail. Like Hermes is sensitive, sweet, brilliant soul but can be a chaotic, self absorbed maniac. And with knowing as the WoD that we need light and darkness. The light shows the beauty of colourful skies and the dark shows the beauty of the twinkling stars. One without the other is lacking and incomplete.

Hermes message of hope for patience and understanding is beautifully sung throughout time. It's a nice feeling knowing that we gave these powerful beings a reason to live or understanding of what it means to live at least in a certain way. That even 'weak' souls have more that enough power in our own right and that there is many ways to assess strength and worth of a person. It's great knowing that he was finally heard, even if there isn't one correct complete answer and knowing you're not alone is deeply touching and gives a disassociated heart a tether to hold onto.

Hades was also able to do his role as the God of the Underworld helping souls cross between life and death. By accepting this new path he was able to help guide his fellow Ascians like Elidibus to have a new perspective and help them on a new journey. Simply by just showing himself, his presence emitting 'It'll be okay.' Even if for a short time by standing down it will help them to recharge and begin again in whatever timelines they will go to.

Taking time to rest and reflect is very soothing and very important to do even though often it seems pointless and can be hard to find time in a busy world.

To clarify reflecting is not what Hermes was doing. To truly reflect you need to have knowledge of others opinions which he did not have, which is also mostly true for his fellow Ascians. So he was only wallowing in his own thoughts and is why he created Meteion to find outside of his own planet the meaning and reason for living rather than on Etheirys. But as I've said he didn't have the confidence that people would listen, which is why having faith in others and being vulnerable is brave and admirable.

I think one's soul like dynamis their essence is small and almost feeling like its not even there, but it has a quiet voice. Everyone's soul I think remembers and with that knows everything will be okay eventually. Just like how you can just know something without a reason, usually it's to do with being happy or in love. Like life it just is.

Hermes and Endwalker reinforce at lot of things but I think one of the most difficult and hard concepts is fighting to escape the circle of torment. It's very hard because pain changes you and that change effects others, and then their change effects others and it goes on and on and on. It's hard to recognise the circle because you get trapped circling it in your anger, frustration and hurt and can barely notice anything else. This is why listening to others can help them to stop and look around to see the repeating circle. This doesn't mean they'll get out of it immediately or even at all but it makes it so much easier and can help others to not get stuck. It helps to lift the nauseating insanity with someone on your side, not necessarily to save you and a lot of the time it's a burden you don't want to put on others but just having someone be there is important for soothing a broken heart. It's also important to remember that people do care, and those that do won't consider helping you not get so dizzy in the circle a burden.

It's also about keeping your humanity. It shows how devastating trauma can be and how it effects a person which then effects others. Many people who suffer greatly lose their empathy because of becoming numb to emotions or even start enjoying the suffering of others. Like a bully, finally you are not the target and can have a bit of power you never had.

I think the Omicron's show this effect of numbing. Whatever cruelty they faced it forced them to change their whole beings to overcome that pain but doing so removed their empathy and once lost then they became the bully. But this creates a new problem.

Even though they had overcome their plight by becoming machines this new power mixed with lack of emotions made them seek powerful beings outside of their home to preempt being subjugated again. Despite being powerful death machines, they still had that lingering fear till they reached a point where it lost meaning. Combat was their whole existence and with no more stronger enemies to beat, what do they do now? Having emotions complicates a lot of things but it what gives life so much meaning. Omega then ends up looking for what they have lost even though now it is unaware of what is even is. We see this both at Ultima Thule and with Alpha and its why our existence of living and not just to fight is so mind boggling and intriguing to them. It's also why Zenos came to 'help' us.

When Ali told him off he (for selfish reasons) realised if he keeps being completely selfish and unemotional by only focusing on his obsession for combat that nobody will be left and he will be lost like the Omicron. It's why many dangerous people mask emotions and can manipulate others well because we actually NEED emotions to survive! Despite what some people say about emotions as if being emotionless is actually a good thing!

This again doesn't excuse bad/evil behavior, two wrongs don't make a right after all. Which is again what Azem and Venat was trying to get across. But it's difficult to be the better person at times but even stepping back and not down can be a blessing in disguise you'll thank yourself for. As in most cases it's you hurt me first, but I was hurt because etc. There is always a starting point, sometimes you can't stay neutral and that's okay, it's not always a grey area.

Then there are areas that are black and white like with Zenos. These situations either need severe swift punishment for justice or a thousand blessings, a thousand praises and eternal joy. Zenos is incredibly selfish, only doing what he wants but what he wants actively hurts the world.

He also keeps interrupting us for his obnoxious fight which takes our attention away multiple times from saving more people or just simply not giving the WoL a moments peace. If he had won what would he do? Probably nurse us back to health for another round! I doubt he is truly dead as we didn't see the soul orbs float away and him disperse, plus I'm sure people want to fight him in a savage mode or something similar.

Remember how many times he called us a beast and animal in ShB! Ugh! But... he is rather amusing. I'm saying in general not the evil he's done. I laugh because he's a creep and really thicc haha! "Mhmm WoL mhmm! REND! KILL! Ride on my back! Let me control your body! Mhmm!" NO TOUCHY!

Anyway I'm doubly not saying it's easy as I'm stuck in my own loop and hope for one day to have a type of justice and satisfaction for my hurt but that's okay as well since I'm not wanting others to suffer like me. And that's important to remember. I know others will also not want me to suffer, I don't want to either but it's difficult to balance. And as most of us who hurt know this is our own journey and will take time. Being patient with ourselves is important too. If someone isn't 'improved' as fast as society like it's not the world's issue, as long as they keep trying even in a small ways that seem easy to others that's important, wonderful and deserves gentle support. And if they or you are too burnt out to try, helping them or yourself get rest to begin to try again is also important.

Aside from the concept of breaking cycles, I also think the whole story of the Ascians is about the long journey of finding who you are. How a person is made up of a variety of personality traits both postive and negative. At the end of you, what colour or even seat of your soul most shines through brightest to represent you the best? And even then there are moments of fluctuations or even change like retiring form a seat or being split and having to find yourself all over again. It asks who are you? When you find out would you even recongise yourself? Will you embrace or reject yourself?

Showing how you might feel denial, self hatred and shame but also the chance to see yourself as a bright hero, a brave wonderful unique being. All of the Scions made mistakes or made hard decisions but we love them all the same.

I think it's key to remember how searching for yourself, your place in the world and everything that comes with it is never easy. But you will even if it's temporary version of you because it's worthwhile like how we would say someone we love is worthwhile, they will say the same of us. And a new bright circle is formed. Eventually representing all of your colours. Even if it's hard to believe, it is there for you. Quiet, gentle and strong.

I want to reaffirm that I'm not speaking of airy hope just because it's pretty, as I've said I struggle a lot. This to me is one of the positive messages from FFXIV. I do feel they could have done more to give hope to depressed people (and I mean clinically depressed, not just the overuse of the word for being sad lol) like with the Ea race saying how the universe is gonna freeze over and all life is doomed.

I feel like Ysh acts out of character by being like yeah thats fine Imma keep knowledge seeking and that's years from now whatever! Haha! Well I mean she could be more nonchalant because at that moment we are currently at the end and we've faced a lot of endings we surpassed so there is experienced confidence there. I dunno, that section was a little rushed at parts. Writers probably just as antsy as us to end the walk haha!

Or another one sample is how if you turn into a blasphemy you're totally dead. Just a new tempered but you're completely gone and once you've turned and put out your misery nothing is left like...hrnnn.

As I said earlier I really hope they find a cure for the blasphemy, not by removing despair since that ruins the point of not striving for perfection (which turns into a dull sterilised world) but like once turned you could be cured even if it was slower recovery rate than the tainted. They could even make a new hunt style for it haha! Cause yeah it didn't do good for my heart haaa. Like if that was me I'd really be... Yeah not good! So focus on the postives! Haha!

It's also about communication. How difficult something seemingly simple is hard to get across. And that there are numerous ways to express yourself, especially if you have someone listening. Listening to others is important too. And I don't mean conversations that are abstract debates about concepts or pointless gossiping but real life things big and small that help keep you grounded and not floating away lost in your thoughts.

It's about how long it can take for wounds to start to heal. That you need to try and be patient with yourself and others who are struggling to get by each day and when you/they start the journey of trying to heal to be gentle and understanding.

I think Hydaelyn's words should become:

"Hear. Feel. Think. Speak."

Listening, emotions, reflections and conclusions.

And it's about hope. Hope cannot fix things and it might even break at times when a situation fails but hope is a helpful emotion to help to keep your head up. Even if it's for a short while that fizzles in and out of the darkness those moments for hope are precious. So try to hold onto it at times, it might feel foolish or not worth it but it can just be enough of a little push to keep you going on just that bit longer. Tomorrow is a new day but even ten minutes from now, any negative emotions can be just a memory. It's not unrealistic positivity but a little something I think is helpful to remember. There are always moments of calm or happiness we all have and I think that's worth holding onto hope for even just a little bit a times.

Chicken or egg it doesn't matter, I love you regardless! My sweet chicky Hermes! (I seriously gotta stop talking haha, I'm sorry!) Hmm... Chocobo... Chicken... Kweh. Fandaniel totally created the demon red chocobo! It has meteors!

Note 4: I cannot find the context for why I wrote this, I think it was to do with Hermes creating flying life forms and he himself being airy so he creates birds, chickens, chocobos haha I dunno! And I'm leaving it in because I just gotta haha!

🗒End(Walker hehe) Notes: Sorry for spelling mistakes or grammar errors. This has taken me more than a week to write and edit. I did spend some hours editing so hopefully if there are any grammar errors it'll be to a minimum. It's been a long time coming because I get so exhausted writing it all out. It's emotional and as I struggle with comprehension it's quite difficult but I don't think I'm bad at writing well... not that bad!

At least I think my points get across haha! As usual I might add more later because it's a lot and my mind gets fuzzy. I wrote this out as I thought it so I was thinking about restoring it into categories like Trauma, Hope, Change etc for a smoother reading experience and moving all the side notes to the end but I think it's okay as it is. It's a personal opinion post so it doesn't need to be perfect, besides I think only myself and my friends who I asked to read it will read this far haha! Speaking of that if anyone has actually read this far that's a really nice feeling, so thank you!

I think this post is also extra super long because it had some lingering thoughts from ShB sprinkled subconsciously throughout. Even if it's just the energy coming back to get me to ramble harder haha! I still might post the ShB thoughts even in it's unfinished state. I'll just add a note saying it's incomplete or something especially since I doubt I'll add more because a lot of my initial reactions aren't fresh which is fine but going back would be tiring especially because I was planning on splitting my opinions on each map which is nightmare fuel just thinking about it! Besides this post has done me in!

Ramble Savage! But to defend myself, wouldn't it be inappropriate if I DIDN'T ramble because it's EndWalker after all! EndRambler...! (As if I'll ever stop rambling haha! And well the WoL won't stop adventuring either! So it's all good! Frustrating but reassuring haha!

I did wait a long time, including the time it took me to write this to prepare to post this. I queued my ShB posts to be released like two months after that release to be extra careful not to spoil anyone but as my friend reasurred me that I've done lots of spoiler warnings and it's been 42 days since realise so it's fine. I just want to note that I seriously take into consideration of when to post potentially spoiler content. Also I don't have a pc and only us my phone right now so I might not post all the pictures and details I have taken any time soon or ever because it's a lot of work that I cannot efficiently do but I'll see.

I also might (probably not I'm done haha! ) consider making a tldr version so it'll be long just not this long I mean I checked and it's 8017 words like... Aaah! Ain't nobody got time for that! I'm tired haha!

SUCH RAMBLINATION! THIS WAS NOT MY INTENTION! (But I also expected it, just not a mini book lol! Anyway I'm done for now, seriously I'm out! Thanks for reading if you did! Thank you devs!)

[whereyoustand]

a letter i wrote this morning to my college counsellor this morning 💫

I'm not looking forward to going back into college but there isn't much I can do except move forward. I recently purchased some desk planners so I can plan out my day and my week rather than not do much and feel underachieved for the next few days. These planners remind me to track my drinking and eating habits and plan out some work tasks and some life tasks as well as small notes to myself which I usually put a positive affirmation quote.

I've been finding online lessons just as difficult for specific classes. I have internet difficulties, but I also feel like every time I sit in a lesson the work is to read and make notes, so I feel like I'm not taking anything in but instead just working rather than learning. I feel like because of this I'm worried I won't get into university which is my end goal for this year. All I need is three Cs, and I emailed my lecturers to tell them. My RS lecturer says I need to complete all my overdue essays which is what I'm doing (slowly but surely), my psychology lecturer says my predicted grade is a D, but she won't know what I'll get at the end of the year, and my criminology lecturer hasn't replied yet.

In my spare time I've been going to work which is stressful because we must keep to covid restrictions in such a tiny space. I also must deal with interacting with hundreds of people in one shift which makes me more anxious. I had a bad cough a month ago and kept having panic attacks at the idea of coughing in public. I try to stop myself from coughing which meant my throat would close and I'd panic more. I had to say goodbye to my manager who got a new job so now I've got a new one. It was sad and I got her a card but even though I knew she was leaving a month before hand; I was still upset. However, I have been able to acknowledge that nothing in life is permanent, even a manager at a fast food restaurant. I know that I will have to say goodbye to everything and so I feel like that has made me emotionally tone deaf because I am not good with dealing with emotions of another person, so I seem to come across and cold-hearted. I don't know how to process these emotions of loss, grief, and those negative feelings. I'll cry but I feel like there's no genuine sadness behind it because I know that's the way that life is. I know when I cry because I'm sad it's usually because I'm angry because I can't get it together. I also have never had any way of getting anger out apart from crying. My younger sister will get physical, and my oldest sister will curse the house down, my mum will throw things at walls or to the floor. I just sit there and cry. 

Anyways, I also got a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, so I've been playing animal crossing which is a good game. Well, the actual gameplay is awful, but the concept and the characters are amazing. I have tried to stop myself from playing all the time, but I enjoy it too much. I like the interaction with the characters in the game and I like to sit and chat to them. They also give very good advice, for example one of my characters Molly recently said, "You seem exhausted. I care about you a lot, so if it's true that you're having a hard time, know I'm here for you, quackidee". I got a little emotional about this statement because it's so raw despite coming from a character who is literally a duck. Also, one of my characters Sherb was leaving my island and said, "I also find it to be quite sad when someone says goodbye in a situation but then I saw on TV that there was something different. No, what TV folks do is... they smile... and they say, 'I'll see you later!'. So that's why... I'll see ya later!" I never realised that a game like this was going to make mem feel so much. I think I found comfort in this game and these characters because even though they are fictional and whatnot, they have some words of wisdom and very funny one liner that make me feel a lot less alone in a time that if full of loneliness. I also had to get a blood test to find out I'm vitamin D deficient and I must take four pills within an hour every morning. I hat swallowing pills, so I've started mixing up my pills with my food which is a tip I read online that seems to work really well. Despite trying to get my life together, I still feel like I'm getting nowhere in my life.

Sorry for the long rant, it's been a while.

[yennefer-stark]

The time was night, the date was wednesday and it was cold and dark because the winter is approached. The lamps in the street gave to the road a dim-lit light as well as the sidewalk. She walked directly to the bridge, and no, she doesnt wanted to commit suicide, she just wanted to be alone, sang out her sadness in the night.

"Everyone got their soulmate... Tony got Pepper, Thor has Jane, Clint already had a family and two kid, Natasha and Bruce are a couple... Hell even Steve with Bucky"

She thought that and started to sing:

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart? 

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel...?

Her beautyful voice slowly closed, a knot grew in her throat as she started to sob, then cry. She felt nothing but darkness and being alone, while she was the heart of her team. The fact and happy memories didnt helped. But remembered when Steve laughed in the joke, remembered when Tony gave her a compliment about her progress, the training in the gym with Nat, sometimes with Bucky or Steve, even the archery competition with Clint. Her brain closed out those memories and forced her to not let inside. On the other hand... a tall, slim figure watched her. He has got long black hair, a pair of mesmerizing emerald green eyes, sharp features wich was particularly attractive, pale skin and mysterious aura. He hid in the shadow, just like he did in his childhood. He understood her pain, what's more, he felt the same. Being lonlely and left behind. To be honest, the girl would gave everything for a hug and being in a comfy place... Between someone's arm.

-Yes. I can feel it. Why are you here in those times? It's dark, dangerous and you dont know how many serial killer around you. You should go home.

-I dont think that two killer would've such a good talk like us.

Said the girl without looking back. She wasnt scared, she was still sad. The man, however was suprised from the answer.

-In fact, I'd be happy if you'd kill me right here.

-Why would I? I mean I'm not going to kill you.

-Then why are you here? Why dont you leave me alone? You know what? You're right... I'm going home and put on my "nothing happened me, i'm perfectly fine" mask.

Then without a single word, she vanished from the bridge back to the Avengers Tower, where ofc everyone was happy. Well, almost. While our girl was in her room, deep in her thoughts, the black haired man stormed through rooms, used the elevator until he found his brother. He knocked on the door, with a bit of nervousness. Soon, a tall, muscular, bearded blonde man opened the door. His face immediately light up btw. He loved his not so little brother.

-Where you've been Loki?

-None of your business brother.

-Then why are you energised? You always nap and brood in silence. Something has changed I can tell.

-Whatever. How can someone make a sad person happy?

-Someone wants make you happy, or you are the one who doesnt want to commit a crime?

-This time, the second one brother.

Loki quckly arranged his face before Thor could've figured out what caused the change in him. He really hoped that the girl told the truth to him, but doesnt thought that she's inside the Tower like he or everyone.

-Well... Kind words helps most of the time.

-Geez, she wanted to die, by my hands. BY MY HANDS! Shes even more depressed than me brother.

-How she looked out?

-Well, she was at my chest height, or at least i think, she sat on the ground, and i'm not a cat, I cant see in the dark... Btw she had dark hair, maybe brown or black, waist lenght, straight. Her voice was.... Truly beautyful, even when it broke and started to cry.

-Hmm... Looks like you met with Valr. Oh brother, if you really want to know her better, it might be a big bite for you. She only talks when someone ask something from her, and I've never seen or heard her laughing. Most of the time she is in the library, gym or in her room when she isnt on a mission, out here with us. But to be honest, it could be anyone. I wish you good luck, if you really saw Valr... She's a worthy warrior.

-One more question before Ieave. Does she used to attend at dinner?

Thor nodded as an answer for the question, then closed the door after Loki, who teleported to the library. He found it empity tho. But at the other hand, Valr successfully picked herself up from the floor and walked to the common kitchen. She sighed in relief, she was alone, but not for a long time. As the time passed, the table was ready for the dinner. A whole set of plates, forks and knifes with table napkins. As the clock hit 7:30pm, the rest of the team slowly started to attend here and fill the room with energy and happines... The first, and most hungriest person was Bucky, then Steve, after them Natasha and Bruce. Thor followed them with Loki who seemed distant from the others. Clint arrived before the two god. As usual, Tony didnt showed up.

-Ah, Lady Valr, take a seat and eath with us.

-Thanks Thor, but I'm not hungry. I already ate and now I'm full.

-At least, stay with us and drink Val'.

-This cant cause any problem I guess.

The god of mischief immediately looked at Valr from the corner of his eye, when she lied to Thor without batting an eye. He already liked her, and planned to give her leftover food. Somehow he felt what the girl felt. The hardness of keeping the mask on... He greeted as an old friend. Sadness, even depression? Those kind of feelings too, but he played along with Valr. After they finished the dinner Steve stayed in the kitchen with Bucky to do the dishes and everyone went to their room. Except Loki, who kept an eye on her and sneaked up some food for her. He knocked on the door.

-Yes? It's open.

-Thank god it's open, I brought food for you Lady Valr.

-Why? I said I'm not hungry.

But Loki just smirked under his nonexistent mustache and placed the plate on the table. He found her reaction rather funny...

-Honey, you can not lie to the god of mischief.

-Great. Thanks for the food, you can go away and leave me alone. I dont need anyone in my life.

-Really? Then why are you scared to get close and hate being alone?

-I said, you can go away and leave me alone. Are you deaf or what?

-Slow down Lady Valr, there isnt such a reason to behave so mean, but as you wish. I leave you alone now, but I'll keep an eye on you.

-This is what I missed... I dont need baby sitting.

-Have a goodnight, Lady Valr.

If she could have a good night, she'd have a dream, but the next day's morning she went on a mission with Bucky. So she woke up at 5am, streched a bit, then had her regular morning routine before grabbed the suitcase and went to the kitchen, where Bucky waited for her. The smell of coffe enchanted a smile to her lips. The man with the metal hand greeted with a nod, and offered her a cup of coffe. Luckily he knew how Valr likes the caffeined black-ish liquid.

-I cant believe you are in this mission, I know how much do you hate Russia.

-Yes, but you cant dance with Nat, and noone else can speak fluent russian beside me. Do you have that magic tho?

-Poof. It will last while we're close to each other. Maybe one mile... I didnt need to use this spell until then.

-Wow. You amaze me every time Valr.

-Now let's go, I'm sure Tony already booked a flight to Moscow...

They boarded the plane and sat in silence after they talked through the plan. Bucky, who could never escape fully from the past, started to analyze Valr, but it was hard, even for him.

-З-здравствуйте...меня зовут...Valr...

-The hell did you just said?

Bucky never heard Valr talking in Russian so perfectly. She said those words without any accent, and he almost answered in the same language.

-Just one of thies things I can say in Russian.

-Well, it was perfect, but let me talk in Russian. Not because I love it, but 70 years experience from missions is still experience... Oh god, I already miss him...

-If you show feelings towards him, we might be caught. Steve still wanted for the underground, secret organizations in Russia. I know, you're gay for him and he's bi, but we need to play that we're a couple.

As the days passed by, Valr and Bucky grew closer to each other, talked about how they got captured/kidnapped and used to achieve bad goals. Not that fact they were so distant from each other, but they were the two person out of the Avengers... who were the quietest. As the day approached, they practiced a little dancing. You need know that the thing they search for, can be found in a Ball, wich held and organised secretly by Hydra. Extremely evil, right? But they had allies in the shadows and under the sun... When the day has arrived, you could cut the nervousness in the air with butterknife. Now, Valr understood why Bucky doesnt like to take a walk at daytime, unless he did it with Steve, his safe-place.

---------------------------------------

Untitled "little" story

Part one

I hope you liked it if you tripped over it...

@winterbuckytho @itsbuckyb1tch @i-smell-penniess

[langdonsvcrd]

Hot & Cold: Xavier x Fem!oc Reader

Summary: OC Reader sees Xaviers favourite purple jumper in the lake of Camp Refwood and almost drowns retrieving it, the two had been best friends [with hidden feelings] for one another since they were 14. Xavier hears Mavrey’s Chimes that she’d set up with Chef Bertie an hour before the incident, Ms Bertie had a suspicion the two had mixed feelings for one another yet wouldn’t admit it. This ends with Xavier clutching tightly against his lovers limp corpse feeling the wet sensation of water seep within his burns, Mavrey comforts the man and kisses his burns as if he’d never not been beautiful his entire life with or without his burns, but then Xavier notices her bloody chest, Mavrey stutters and confesses her love for him before kissing his lips like a hazey ghost, then falls. Collapsing into an oblivion like darkness set awaitimg for her arrival.

Warnings: none just an extremely sad: hurting/ xavier

____

RUELLE: War of Hearts [acoustic]

Come to me.

—

“Mav?” Xaviers pet name for his best friend came off rather hesitant, because she’d always answer him the first few times to when he’d call it. Xavier shifted himself into the cookhouse rolling his eyes at this sneaky game. “Mavrey I’m not playing with you, come on you need to go to bed I know how you get all cranky and shit over a few hours of sleep missed princess.”

Xaviers eyes moved along the kitchen appearance, his heart pondered over the concept that his best friend might be sneaking around the kitchen for snacks again.

In the night hours.

“Mavy you idiot it’s 2:45 in the fucking morning, a king needs his sleep too. Princess come the fuck on!” But that’s all Xavier could murmur under a whisper, before his gaze became hazy and unbearable. “What th-“

I will wait for you.

“Xav?” Mavrey swept across the riverside, her voice slightly weary in her interruption unto Xaviers whereabouts, she was told by Montana that her dearest best friend had stalked off to the lakeside for a quick jazz sesh in the Woods. His words exact were: ‘I’m becoming one with nature Tana who knows maybe I’ll stumble upon Chef Bertie on my stroll.’

And I can't sleep.

“Xav, Tana told me you were out here? Come on it’s 2 fucking something in the morning headass and I’m tired!” Mavrey kept stalking the lakeside before fleeting upon Xaviers favourite sweet violet jumper. “Do I always have to pick up after you asshole. Jesus! I want to go to BED!” Mavrey bent down to retrieve the slightly wet jacket, she was confused it was in direct aim of the lake.

“Oh.” That’s when the dots had clicked into place.

'Cause thoughts devour, Thoughts of you consume’

“If this is some kind of way to lure me into this stupid Ice bath think again!” After murmuring this a soft set of bubbles floated above the moonlit lake, just a few feet aways from where Xaviers purple beloved jacket was thrown. At this point Mavery’s heart had exploded, with worry. She did what she thought was right: she ran into that stupid lake to save her best friend or so she thought he was there.

I can't help but love you.

“Mav!” Xavier screamed eyes straining for tears to spill, his skin began blister and his heart wrenched out of his chest. Literally. “Mavrey! Help me!” The soft sobs of Xavier could be heard but whoever had the intention to shove him into this human like oven, watched with a gentle wave before speaking to him.

“Shes down too deep for your warmth now. Pretty boy” With that the unknown suspect strained to leave, just after hearing this Xavier bumbled an escape. Painful cries left his chapped and crusted lips and at this point he couldn’t careless about himself or his ego. He had to get out of this boiling hell.

Even though I try not too.

“N-No! Someone!” Stuttering at the thought of Mavrey getting hurt triggered his ambition to fight for his life. “SOMEONE! Please.” Falling to push the oven glass door once again fell hopeless for Xavier. “I love you!” His soft statement fell on deaf ears. He only wished Mavrey could hear his pleading.

I can't help but want you.

Mavrey’s skin ran cold, her eyes were shut and lungs soaked with heavy falls of water. Yet she still had her hand shackled to Xaviers sweet soft purple jumper as if her lifeline were connected to it. She had no idea what happened but she was being dragged deeper into the darkest part of whatever this hell was in an instant.

She tried to pull her feet away, kicking down towards the source but seemed to have failed in keeping air within her at the same time. The hand that was latched to her had vanished and now she was lost in her own mind to snap out of this hazy settlement. Memories flipped along her brain in order to help her fight for her own life, sweet thoughts.

Happy ones that made her heart flatter and it was all directed to the man who’d brought her here to begin with. “Xav?” Air bubbles formed around the small girl, heart pondering over the male, she had to get out of this predicament. She had to fight for him.

I know that I'd die without you.

—

Pulling herself out of the lake bubbled the girls attention, Mavrey blinked the tears away, her eyes strained with them still yet she wanted to be that ‘big girl’ Xav always taunted her to be. Falling to her feet Mavrey whimpered at the seeping sensation set in the centre of her chest directly set between her breasts. She muffled a cry when she pressed down unto the open wound, she was penitrated with a wooden stake, Mavrey hadn’t noticed since Xaviers jumper covered the wound. “Xa-“

SCREAMING FROM THE CAFETERIA ROOM:

That’s when Mavrey limped off, tears trailing down her face as she pushed her way down to the Cafeteria Room in order to retrieve her best friends precious life. “I’m coming Xav wait for me!” The small girl whipped her left to right feet up the sturdy wooden steps, she felt her heart drop when the door to the Cafeteria openedher eyes watered, leaving her gaze to drop on a slightly disgorged Chef Bertie. An unsteady breath left the girls mouth, Bertie was stabbed constantly from the back, she was beaten and bashed.

Stay with me a little longer.

“K-kitchen.” Berties words came out as a sob, Mavrey set herself next to the broken woman. Heart shattering when Bertie pushed the child away. “Y-you have t-t-to get h-him.” - “N-no Bert-“ Bertie pulled the girl to face hers I’m a demanding manner. “Kitchen!” Bertie muttered.

Mavrey’s eyes snapped to the slightly dimmed Kitchen doorway. It was lit like a warm fire on Christmas. But what came next only ceased for Mavrey to fall teary. “Xavier.” She’s rushed to the male in a hurry her voice cracking when her gaze fell on the boy she’d loved trapped within his personal hell.

I will wait for you.

Falling from the heated contraption, Mavrey clutched herself unto her best friend. Her arms pulled the man in as he too pulled her unto him, Xavier sighed deeply at the cold sensation set to sooth his blistering skin. He’d cried whilst clunging himself to the small rigid girl, his heart broke and it wouldn’t stop. He just cried and held his lover closer to him. “I-thought id lost you.” Mavrey’s voice came out sturdy and slightly different. Xavier shut his eyes switching to cup the girls face in the palms of his hands. “I couldn’t find you.” He sobbed lips pulling into a frown. Mavrey lightly laid his soaked purple jumper she had cover her chest to his shoulders letting the soft water seep his hot body. “I- I c-couldn’t find you e-either.” Xavier eyes opened and shone over his best friend, Mavrey had a gentle smile plastered on her face as she gazed up at this precious wonder boy. “I couldn’t lose you too.” She whispered. Xav bit his bottom lip tears streaming down his face before his eyes trailed down to the dark red soaked blue overalls set in the centre of Mavrey’s chest.

And want grows stronger, deeper than the truth.

“N-no-“ Xavier shuttered at the wound his hands pulled from the girls face to the seeping red stake wound. Mavrey wasn’t just cold from the lake, she was losing a lot of blood too. “Mav-“

I can't help but love you.

Mavrey just smiled up at Xavier, her lips fell agap when she’d finally gotten to see the appearance of the boy. Tears fell from her eyes before she softly reached up to cup Xaviers face for the last time. “Ma-Mav you’ll be okay- I just w-we ha-“ Mavrey’s bottom lip trembled along with Xaviers. “Still pretty.” She’d shuttered out. The poor boy shut his eyes at the way Mavrey had said that, his hands covered his best friends. The wonder boy was broken he just couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t live with himself if she did die on him. The two had sobbed together, their breathing in sync with one another like a harmony set to rhyme.

I can't help but want oceans to part.

“I-I love you.” And that was all it took for the two to break. After Xavier had said this his eyes softly fluttered open in an instant, but when they did his breathing stopped like the limp body set beneath him had fallen. The love of his life had stopped breathing, her cold hand had slipped from his and her eyes had closed. “M-Mav?”

The first time he’d said ‘I love you’ felt as if it were going to be the only time. Xavier never had the intention to say I love you in his entire life, he thought the sentence was a cheap way to say “I want to fuck you.”Yet now he finally knew the real intention to the sentence.

Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts.

“Mavrey h-hey.” Yanking his limp best friend to sit on his lap felt heavy on Xavier. “Wake up- P-please.” His sobs became more intense and he thought the girl was joking, like she usually did. But she wasn’t. “M-Mavrey.” -“I-I said I loved you- w-wake up.” Xavier kneeled Forward hands falling to pull the girl to his chest, his cries began to build and fall out of his mouth harsher and harsher in anger. “Y-you ca-can’t leave m-me!” Xaviers head fell into his best friends soaked/cold shoulder. Tears pooling over his blistering skin. “I-I can’t do t-this without you!”

I can't help but be wrong in the dark.

The man couldn’t bring his mind around to believe that his best friend had passed nor did he want to leave her at this stupid camp, she was his and his alone. “I-I’m sorry. I-I’m so sorry- p-please come back to me please.” Everything was cold now, Xaviers heart had sunk and the more he’d held onto this girl the more he’d wanted to bring her back. He awaited for her to breathe but she never ceased to do so. Xavier never knew that this would be the first time he’d ever love and the last time he’d ever feel feel loved. She was gone.

I know that I'd die without you.

And he couldn’t bring her back even if he tried.

[dyker-farmer]

Ok this was supposed to be a quick draw and a description to go with, that blew into a full chapter and now it's also on Ao3 SO happy reading ig idk

I never see Shane works that don't go all in for romance nor explore the more realistic ugly parts of recovery, and I kind of crave That TM. So let me have at it too with the self-insert whump mumbo jumbo; no romo version.

Set post-8 hearts event, Farmer Uidelsib is two years or so in, full house built and married to Emily. They/them pronouns, same as me.

Diverges from then on, Shane-centric from an outside POV for the most part.

[[MORE]]

Take that can away if you can.

Gulp it down. Chapter 1/2/3/4

There's a few to-know to survive life in society, in the valley; there's no good way to comment on the age nor weight of both resident housewives, you can't say no to Evelyn's homemade cookies- and why would you, you fool-, you do not fight at the Saloon or you'll get no cheese anymore on your pizza and only sparkling water for drinks, and-

And you don't mess with Shane's alcohol related ritual.

Except I did, that night, because you do that, when your two-years long friendship with the guy taught you better than letting his impulses overcome yours, when your buddy is trying to recover from teenage long-lasting into early adulthood, trauma-enhanced heavy addiction, and you know, you know tomorrow he'll feel like absolute shit and question his right to therapy the moment he'll stop his pounding skull from splitting. Wonders what a three-dosage paracetamol can do. 

At least he doesn't drink it out anymore.

So yeah, when you're in my shoes, you get that Joja store-bought crap out of Shane's hand, and you brace yourself for the incoming lash out.

The first fractions of seconds are always those to look closely into most. It's only a glimpse, but before the scowl slips on like a well-worn boxing glove ready to strike, there is always this open page I learned I needed to decipher as quick as I could.

Tonight, it's heartbreaking. When I peck his forehead- doting big sibling habits die hard, even when you're actually the youngest of the pair- the eyes I catch looking at me are so confused and bare of any emotion, except for the sorrow that goes beer-soaked tears, it pangs. I get used to the breakdowns, working in the fields I do when I'm off the farm's, but it's not the same when it's a friend.

When I straighten back, offensive beverage in hand, it's already gone in a flinch, away from the empty space behind the chair and onto the table, as he snarls.

"Wha- giv'me back- 's mine!" I don't know how much he drunk before he met up with me, but from the slurring, it's a Lot. A season and a half into sobriety. That's harsh.

I ignore him and walk behind him, pondering where to put the beer for now.

"Y-you can't just do that! It's my booze I got with m'money, not some- who d'you think you are?-" He sputters indignantly, angry tears fewer than the sad ones but still there. He tries to turn around and grab behind his back, but the wild movement is way off and only gets the chair to nearly topples down. I rush in time to stabilize it, and profit off the moment to set a strong hand on his shoulder.

"I can just do that, 'cus it's my house I got with my money, and I think I'm your pal who knows when you've had enough. Dude, I trust you to be an adult, but minutes before, you were already so torched I had to keep your neck upright so you didn't faceplant into the table, and you nearly just kissed my floor good evening. Not to mention you clung to my arms the whole way from the little entry stairs to the kitchen because, quoting, 'If I don't I'll fall in the hole and won't get up'."

I turn to the fridge again, going to open it, before I think better of it. Likely enough, we'll both forget it was there in the first place, it'll stink up my fridge- it's Joja's- and it'll be money out of Shane's pocket for nothing. I set it on the counter, with the rest of the pack. He'll put it to cool down when he's back to Marnie's. Or he won't, probably. 

That's not a worry for now.

When I caught up with him, it was a few feet below my doorstep; he'd probably slipped up trying to climb the three steps up to it, and settled for it. He was nursing that same can, muttering to himself, head down, curled up on himself. Except for that leg sticked out, he probably hurt it when he fell, I'll have to look at that and work on it if it's too swollen. Hopefully that'll spare us from a visit to Harvey's.

Bad memories. Not mine, and it's warm and not raining outside, but. Déjà-vu.

Anyways, he looked the picture of "help I've fallen and I can't get up- and even if I can I won't because Fuck You", and it's been a hassle to have him cooperate. But when I asked if he wanted to leave, he shook his head with a fervor no somnolent drunk should have. That resulted in a lovely streak of vomit down the wall right next to the door. That's also for later. If Eryza doesn't lap it up. Ew. This cat's never predictable.

Now, he's staring at his hands, sitting at my table, contemplating something too far down for me to see- or maybe just zoning out with a sleeping brain. Then he mumbles. "Sorry."

I get back to the table and sit at arm's length across of him. "Nah, 's okay. I don't mind being a helping hand or touchy-feely, must be the frog-eater in me. Not for the helping part." I'd chuckle but my quip falls on deaf ears.

I go to put my hand over his. When he doesn't blink at it, I try and shake a reply out of him, gently. He startles and hawkeyes our joined fingers. When he's finally looking at me, I raise a single eyebrow. He doesn't say anything, but when he pulls back his arm, I let him. We both straighten up, and it's hard to keep up the eye contact.

"So…" There's a heavy air on us. Suddenly, like the last year didn't happen, we're sitting a stride away of each other, and yet it feels like he's all the way back to the forest, looking down at waves.

"Do you want me to do something?" I bend myself a little closer to him, not moving otherwise.

He puts his head in his hands, shivering. Can't tell if it's the AC or his system kicking the alcohol out, or itself, in stress. I think I hear something, but it might as just be his shuddering breath.

"Shane" I insist, voice level, not pressing. "I need words. I want to help, I truly don't mind, but I need words to know what to do." He's never shown signs of going nonverbal before. If he does, I'll improvise. Until then… I need words.

Time ticks slowly as we wait. Then, with great effort and deep fatigue, he drags his palms up from under his nose to his temple, spreading some snot and wet tears across his face from his scrunched shut eyes. Lips trembling but finally showing, that attempt to let out a sound that's not too garbled. He coughs, sniffles a bit, breathe in again, sounding like a sick dog, and blows through gritted teeth before his jaws go slack. Eyes still closed, he whispers, and I have to lower myself some more toward his crouched form to catch it.

"Can I get something to drink…?" His voice is hoarse.

The demand could be comical, if we were into sour humor. And we usually are. But right now, we're not finding the joke in the lines. I stand silently, and as I walk to the fridge again, I let my hand brush his shoulder- same spot as before.

I take a minute to choose, look into the pantry. When I'm back at the table with my items of choice, he's still sitting there, his cheek is cushioned on his arms, face hidden from view. His shoulder, except for the occasional tremor, rise and fall in rythm with his snores. Breaks my heart to interrupt that, but not really. Hangovers are mean bitches with the sharpest nail art on the blackest of boards.

"Psst, dude. C'mon." I rustle his hair backward. He hates when I do that, says it tickles, and it makes him sneeze. So I obligatory do it once a day if I can. Let's say today's my late quota for the last four days I haven't seen him.

He gruffly tells me to kindly refrain from such pleasantries, and raise bleary eyes back up at the table. I can also guess he tried to bat a hand at me, but his coordination is off and he slaps himself lightly on the ear. Then he glares bewildered at his hand for a few seconds, obviously insulted. I profit of this moment to grab a small basin from under the sink, on second thought.

When he brings his attention back to me, I'm sitting again. Between us, a jug of fresh milk from this morning, a small sack of peppers, and a juice carafe sit aside a green glass bottle. There's also some bread, mostly for me to munch on. Because, hmmm dough. He squints at it all, especially at the bottle. Probably trying to read the label.

"Yeah no, didn't get you one of my best wine, not sorry."

"Hot pepper… juice?" He looks at the actual peppers next to it. "With actual peppers?" And then I get the squint too.

"Hmph, I know you like your elongated hell tomatoes, man, what can i say."

At that, a feeble snort.

I decide that it is the highlight victory of my soirée.

"Welp, have at it." I gesture to the half-liter liquor glass right by his left.

He fumbles with the drinks and some splashes around, but I lay back on my chair, arms crossed, letting him do his thing. While I don't hold back from growing downright doting on him when I got to- or even when I don't- I don't see how more devotion right now would be not smothering. He can break my fancy glass cups if he wants and spill my milk, so long he doesn't cut himself or cry over it.

Now, you could be thinking that plain water would have done the trick just fine, if not better, in rehydrating him. Here's the thing, though; going from booze to tasteless liquid, for Shane, that's a sure way to puking his heart out. And I'd rather not have us deal with an acid bile throat burn on top of near alcohol poisoning. Sorry to not spare you the squeamish details, but his oesophagus is pretty sensitive ever since that stomach pumping back at the clinic. Hot fiery hell fruits he can do just fine, with relative moderation and hydratation- hence the milk and juice- but liquor bursting its way back from his guts? Nuh uh. 

It had taken lots of coaxing, but he'd explained the plain tastes, or lackthereof, were very hard for him to deal with, especially when contrasting with strong ones like beers and whiskeys. I'd shackle it to gustative hypostimulation, but I don't know enough about him that way to say. He'd said sparkling water was a good compromise.

But I don't have sparkling water, because I do not like suffering.

I might buy a pack for when he visits though.

And I do know a handful about him already. Shackle that to perceptiveness and a stubborn streak on top of a year and so long camaraderie.

And having a certain uncontrollable fear of failing to act quick the next time coped with by accumulating information and patterns compulsively.

I shake my head to focus on the present again. He's switched from juices to soaking bread in milk to eat it small portion after small portion. He pauses in mid-bite when he catches me staring. He's still hunched on himself and red-faced and a tad bloated. His cheeks are drying and he's blown his nose. I smile calmly. Worst of the storm passed, unless I screw up and blow it.

"Ywou wan' chom'?" He offers a dripping piece of bread. In moments like this, when he's sobering but not quite, the resemblance with Jas are unmistakable. The glint in his reddened eyes that open wide, and his blank-but-not-quite wondering expression, it's all here to paint a scrutinizing but vulnerable picture of tired but bright minds.

"Nah thanks. You done with that milk?"

"...Sure." He eyes it, wary. He knows where this is going, and he doesn't like it. I take the drink off the table, and his gaze follows my movement until I bring it to my lips.

He frowns. A silent warning. 

And as I lock onto him with a dead stare, not blinking a millisecond, I down the rest of the 2 liters jug in three, five gulps. I even take the time to lick my new mustache away, and close my mouth with a click of my tongue.

His expression is the macabre marriage of beffudled horror and pure affliction, disgust if you will. The face of someone who doesn't hate milk, but has grown out of it enough to not be able to live off the stuff like the brave souls I'm apart of. And probably with reason, as I actually can't, like most 20+ years old, digest the liquid in large amount. But I smile like a smug cat, perfectly content.

Cats really can't digest milk once adults, it's all social mythos.

We silently judge and fuck with each other like that for a while more, as more time passes, until the room's elephant gets it all humid with its prancing around. Enough that tears and nervous sweats start again, for no apparent reasons but the residual anxiety from the whole chain of events that led to this.

"I think we should talk about this."

--- to be continued.