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hithelleth · 7 years ago

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Salvation S1

Why do I keep getting into shows that are likely to be cancelled!? Oh, right, because I’m a masochist. So, I’ve finished Salvation and it was so good! I’ve been internally squeeing for days, so I’ll try to get things out of my system now so I can then maybe focus on other fannish (and non-fannish) things.

(This turned out long, so I put it under the cut and tried to make it more easily readable with some bolding. My apologies to those on mobile.)

I’ve always had a thing for doomsday premises, so this was right up my alley with an impending extinction level event that must remain secret from the general populace to avoid panic while the big shots try to prevent it.

Except that unlike a number of cheesy movies where the world comes together to save humanity and/or help each other after the disaster, Salvation creators tackled it from the other end: the whole season is set before the disaster strikes and nobody is willing to cooperate.

I found the approach refreshing and really liked it. Probably because I’m what I call a pessimistic idealist. I mean, don’t get me wrong, obviously, if such a scenario happens in real life, I do hope (or want to) that humanity would come together to save itself/the Earth. But the pessimist in me thinks there is just as much chance for us to kill each other before the Earth/space/whatever gets to us.

Although, of course, with the current political atmosphere where the orange menace and the little dumpling (you know who I mean, they don’t deserve to be named) are throwing threats with nuclear war weapons around, the cold-war-era-like hostilities in the show gave me chills.

So, there’s political power play galore while the tech wiz and co. are trying to find the way to save the world while being obstructed on every step by politicians. I liked the suspense it all brought out, and how it made the show fast paced (but didn’t take anything from complexity). I also liked all the shadiness and there was a lot of it around, as basically everyone does at least something not quite right (even if with the best of intentions).

I liked that the focus of the show is sort-of evenly spread between science and politics as well as different age groups, as in the characters in their early to mid-twenties and those around/in their forties, which I’m more into the older I get (seriously, it’s one of the biggest reality checks as to age when I realise that the character/actor(ess) is only a few years older than me, or worse, younger!)

And while I’m at that… I have a new OT3!!!! Come on, you knew this was coming, I’m that weird person who can find more or less likely OT3s anywhere and I proudly own it.

But damn it, I wasn’t looking for it! Then again I never do, you know how it goes: I don’t choose my ships, they chose me. Those three fuckers! Why am I doing this to myself? Why? *high pitched pterodactyl screeching*

I’m talking about Harris/Grace/Darius (in all variations), just to be clear. Seriously, I have no idea how it happened, but around episode 5 or 6, I was like, “well maybe instead of squabbling and ‘slight’ signs of jealousy, you could, you know, work together?” and then one thought led to another and I was like, “yeah, I could ship it, provided Harris wasn’t evil…” (I mean, he was a very, very bad boy once or twice, but turned out not to be evil) and the rest is history. *insert more swearing* Yeah, episode 8 didn’t help at all. And then of course they did work together so well towards the end of the season. *sighs*

Anyway, look, I’m not asking for much, just a S2 where they can occasionally (well, the more often the better, but I’ll take what I get) share screen time and be the badass power world/country-saving trio they are. My imagination can do the rest. ;)

But of course, IAD was promoted to a regular on Hawaii 5-O, so I’m not sure what that would mean – although Salvation is a summer show, so I guess coordination could be possible – and the ratings seem to be shit and I don’t want to get my hopes up despite the articles floating around saying not all is lost for S2. *fingers crossed*

Which brings me to a bit of ranting about a plot hole or two and a few general observations and possible S2 speculations.

a) You want me to believe that the US Secretary of Defence can just simply drive around on his own, NBD, and nobody bats an eye? FFS, even in my itty bitty country where the cabinet members really aren’t in much danger of imminent assassination, they have drivers and security details, especially the Defence Minister. It did come very handy for the plot that Harris could just drive around like it’s nobody business, though.

b) How did they get the selected 160 on site so fast? Magic? Because they couldn’t have picked them solely from Tanz personnel, since that would be mostly scientists, and they did pick historians, artists, etc… And those would be from all around the country, I’d say. (It’s shitty enough that they would be all only Americans, like the rest of the world has no smart people to offer. Also, for genetic diversity it would be better if people were from other countries, too.)

Unless they brought them into Tanz as they picked them, before the nuclear alarm. But didn’t they finish the selection process just a day or a couple before (my memory is a bit foggy, I’ll have to rewatch)?

And nobody seemed surprised at the sight of the space-ship, so I guess they were told the actual truth or at least the Mars colonisation version beforehand? I think the second is more likely.

But, never mind, that is not even my biggest problem with the 160 and I can easily let it pass, because time on TV can work in mysterious ways (plus, maybe they cut the scenes that were supposed to clear it up.)

c) No, my biggest problem is that if 160 people are the minimum viable population, I assume those people must be able to procreate (and have healthy and diverse enough genes.)

And so there were mostly young people in their twenties (mostly women) and thirties in the Salvation bunker. So far so good.

Of course if we only look to the continuation of human species, choosing young people makes sense.

(I’m not going into the fact that if all those youth are the best and the brightest, there would be other issues with picking people who must have been child prodigies and could therefore lack the social skills that are just as important for humanity as science – but I guess the humanities studies part of the group can compensate for what others lack in that field.)

It also makes perfect sense that some people would be chosen for qualities other than reproductive abilities, which is where Harris and Grace come in.

I mean, men don’t have that sort of a problem, but with Zoe about to start college, Grace must be at least in her early 40s (although Jennifer is younger) since she doesn’t strike me as a teen mom, and a woman of her age has a hard time having a healthy child even in the most optimal, peaceful conditions and with the best medical treatment available, so I think it’s safe to say Grace having any more kids, especially in a couple of years, is out of the question. But that’s okay.

My problem is with Darius being disqualified on grounds of carrying the Huntington’s gene. Sure, it served as a fantastic testimony of his character that he would work on the Mars project and then this saving the mankind thing knowing that he can’t go/save himself. That’s great, what a good person!

But since other people were picked for their leadership/wisdom/merit, then why not Darius?

Did the writers forget that contraception is a thing? You know, to prevent ‘accidentally’ spreading his bad genes around? And pre-natal screening also exists (okay, IDK if they can find out about the Huntington’s gene that way, but still) – and there are doctors (I assume a few actual MDs have been picked) around to do it and in case of a positive result an abortion is an option? (But god forbid we’d even think of the A-word on a national network in the US, of course.) Or you know, just have the guy have a vasectomy, the easiest sure-fire solution. (Yeah, now I’m being mean.)

My point in short: there is no logical reason (I know, looking for logic on TV; I never learn) for Darius not to be among the 160 apart from the writers’ need for characterisation through drama.

Anyway, I think that if we get S2, it might turn out the nukes were false alarm or something, because Santiago Cabrera is first-billed and I expect they wouldn’t kill him off, so this disqualification issue will be moot.

So, if we get S2:

d) The usurping VP (why TF does he have to be named Monroe Bennett? *wry smile* *cue reminiscing of a certain other show*) escaped and will be wreaking havoc, I assume.

e) I’d really like if Amanda somehow survived (I mean, it’s TV, anything is survivable on TV, a little chest/shoulder wound should be nothing), because I liked her.

f) I had to google the actor who played Grace’s dad (he was awesome!) because he looked familiar and look, he also played the substitute pressie who needed to be bullied into doing the right thing in TLS.

g) With the EM drive being magnetic (duh), I think Liam’s idea has something to do with trying to use the EM drive to pull the asteroid in off the impact course. I vote for partial success, because otherwise the show’s premise would go out of the window and they might as well just end it.

And I think that’s all I’ve got (for now).

I think I’ll go find some pretties to queue up for next week. Although, I’ve already been in the tags a little and as far as I could see, nobody ships my OT3 (I’m not surprised at all), so I might need to do some giffing myself. And maybe write fic. But after I finish my current fic exchange assignment, which I should be doing instead of writing this, but oh well. Maybe now I’ll be able to concentrate better.

Tagging @street-of-mercy, because you got me into this mess! ;) (You don’t have to respond or anything, but in case you’re interested in my thoughts and questionable shipping choices, here you go. :D)

#CBS Salvation #salvation cbs #salvation meta #my meta: salvation

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thechasefiles · 6 years ago

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The Chase Files Daily Newscap 1/23/2019

Good MORNING #realdreamchasers! Here is The Chase Files Daily News Cap for Wednesday 23RD January 2019. Remember you can read full articles for FREE via Barbados Today (BT) or Barbados Government Information Services (BGIS) OR by purchasing by purchasing a MidWeek Nation Newspaper (MWN).

DLP, UPP BEMOAN COUNTRY’S DIRECTION – As Barbadians are called on by the Democratic Labour Party (DLP) to reflect on the life of Errol Barrow, the United Progressive Party (UPP) is arguing that Barbados is currently in a “mid-life crisis”. In a short Errol Barrow Day message yesterday, president of the DLP Verla De Peiza called on Barbadians to reflect and apply the lessons of Barrow’s life “to ensure that what we are doing at this moment can impact just as significantly on the generations to come”. She also called on citizens to come up with ideas that could be shared to improve in the development of the country. “What we recognize though is that each one of us as a people and as a country, has a responsibility to this country. What can we do to make ourselves better as a collective? That will be the focus of what we wish to reflect on as we work through this week as we take our initiatives forward and bring them to the country,” said De Peiza. However, in a letter to the ‘Father of Independence’, the UPP recalled his achievements including the implementation of free education, a national insurance and social security scheme, school meals, improvements in the health sector and his contribution to the island’s independence. At the same time, the UPP, in its Facebook post, recalled that the DLP had lost every seat in the May 24 general election, as it questioned the direction in which the country was currently heading. “With democracy so active you would believe that Barbados is heading into a future based on the foundation of education, pride and industry. Unfortunately, the story of modern Barbados has veered sharply away from your vision,” the UPP said in its letter to “the Dipper”. “We are witnessing a culture which doesn’t value education and its potential benefits and the squandering of this opportunity by many who have achieved accreditation. The severe lack of critical thinking in the management of the country’s affairs at all levels has led to a downward trend in the rating and recognition of Barbados as a leader amongst developing nations. This seems to be as a direct result of greed and a lack of understanding of the principles established by the founding fathers,” the UPP said. The party, which is led by Lynette Eastmond, a former Barbados Labour Party government minister, said despite the abolition of slavery and colonialism “at the legislative and societal levels”, it was still evident “at the psychological level”, even among our educated elected leaders. The political party said it was evident that there was no intention by authorities to empower Barbadians through economic enfranchisement. “Every election cycle sees a return and deepening of the relationship between parties and the class of wealthy whose contribution to national development must equate with contractual expectations. In the meantime, many of our people celebrate only in political tribalism and fleeting handouts. “Furthermore, the foundation of our economy has been eroded to the point where the new norm is the celebration of the acquisition of foreign loans, disbursement of crown lands at an undervalue and the arrival of new garbage trucks. This economic enslavement keeps our nation in the doldrums of development and demonstrates the lack of visionary leadership once associated with regional leaders such as yourself. We are currently at 50 plus years of independence in a mid-life crisis as our national leadership has been contaminated by the influences of Neo-colonialism and blinded by post-independence partisan agendas,” the UPP added. The UPP said in its letter to Barrow that Barbadians were more about politics than transparent good governance, adding that this defied the legacy he tried to create for the country. “We must find the motivation to correct this downslide but with so many bought into the false narrative we fear for the future,” it said. “We in the United Progressive Party believe that you would be pleased at the development of a party which sees true empowerment as the next big step in our democracy. Our leaders have a vision which is consistent with yours,” it added. Former Barbados Labour Party (BLP) Member of Parliament and representative for Christ Church West, Dr. Maria Agard, who is now a member of the UPP, commented on the Facebook post, saying Barbadians have lost the notion of the “big idea, having been conditioned and bullied into celebrating mediocrity”. “We now clap for shady governance once it has been packaged in the right PR narrative, seemingly unable to separate the sleight of hand from the outcomes. We must strive for progress where morality and ethics are fundamental planks of that progress,” said Agard. “As for the Dipper’s vision. He must be weeping into his ashes to see that the free universal education that he fought for has been used to enrich a select few as we sell our brilliance, our skills, our services cheaply to moguls as their employees, while scorning the indigenous entrepreneurs who struggle to forge a legacy of wealth independent of the trappings of the plantation,” she added. (BT)

PARTY SEEKING MONETARY BENEFITS – One of Barbados’ leading political scientists believes the new political party which is soon to be introduced is being assembled for purely financial gain. Head of the Caribbean Development Research Services (CADRES) Peter Wickham has thrown cold water on the possibility of Opposition Leader Reverend Joseph Atherley forming a “legitimate” political party. On Saturday at a press conference, Atherley, a former member of the Barbados Labour Party (BLP) introduced a team of 14 persons, whom he said would speak on behalf of the Opposition on national issues. And while he indicated that it was not the launch of a political party, he said that would occur in due course. However, Wickham told Barbados TODAY he believed the party was only being formed to get the quarter million dollar subvention granted to political parties by government. “I’m not impressed. It sounds to me like a party that is formed in pursuit of a cause, the cause of course being the fact that they can benefit from the $250 000 set aside for political parties. Frankly, I’m not understanding the philosophical relationship between the individual parties. It seems like a group that was just drawn together on the basis of convenience,” Wickham said. “You have people for example like the senator, the economist, who has indicated that she is not political, but notwithstanding she is now a senator in a political party. “I’ve never heard Caswell Franklyn speak of his political allegiance to any central philosophy that resolves around Reverend Atherley. And then we look at Reverend Atherley himself, who was a sworn member of the BLP up until a few months ago, who said he was leaving that party even though he identifies with a lot of the principles. “An individual who won his seat largely on the coattails of Prime Minister Mia Mottley, having previously lost it on two occasions. It doesn’t appear as though the party has any legitimacy quite frankly, and I don’t know that if it were to face the polls it would receive any attention.” Wickham said the manner in which the party was formed was questionable adding that he did not get the feeling that it was being established to serve the public’s interest. “It just seems to be a party cobbled together in support of a financial cause. I wait to be persuaded that it is different, certainly if it is different I would be pleased, but quite frankly I’m not seeing anything in it that tells me this is a genuine, legitimate, political organisation that has been formed to pursue a cause that is central to a philosophy that is expressive like the BLP or the Democratic Labour Party (DLP). I’m not seeing it,” Wickham maintained. He, however, said he believed those persons selected to speak would be given an ear by the media, similarly to members of Solution Barbados and the UPP [United Progressive Party]. While Wickham said he would love for Atherley to call a by-election to see if his constituents in St Michael West would return him to office on a different seat, he said it was not expected. “I would love if he did, but I know he’s not going to. Reverend Atherley is no fool and he understands that if he goes back to the polls he would be obliterated because he knows his own weaknesses and vulnerability so he won’t do that. “But I think on principle it would be a good thing for him to do, because if he did that it would clarify any misconceptions that persons like myself would have…but in the meantime, we are left to wonder about his legitimacy,” Wickham said. (BT)

‘JUST ANOTHER GROUP OF BEES’ – “A grouping of disgruntled former Barbados Labour Party (BLP) members.” This is how the president of the Democratic Labour Party (DLP) Verla De Peiza, has described Opposition Leader Joseph Atherley’s recently-named shadow cabinet. At face value, Atherley’s Opposition group appears to be a melting pot of candidates from several parties who contested the general elections last May. However, De Peiza charged that upon closer inspection she realised that many of the persons chosen were affiliated at some stage with the ruling BLP administration. “Perusing the names, I see exclusively disgruntled past members of the Barbados Labour Party. None of those persons are in line with the ideals that our party stands for,” said De Peiza, accounting for the fact that apart from the DLP, the new political group was able to attract defectors from most the parties that contested the last election. Among the political parties represented are Solutions Barbados and the United Progressive Party (UPP) and the Barbados Integrity Movement. The DLP president told Barbados TODAY that her party was on the verge of launching its own shadow Cabinet. She explained that this new group would consist of persons who have expressed an interest in representing the party, which failed to retain a single seat when it was ousted from power by the BLP. “We have not named any candidates, so we definitely cannot say that this group will be future candidates. Right now, we have a mixture of persons who have indicated their interest . . . and there are several more besides them and we are presently going through our process but with regards to the shadow group, that is going to be announced very soon,” she said. It was on Saturday that Atherley announced a team he said would speak on behalf of the Opposition on national issues. His two Opposition Senators, Crystal Drakes and Caswell Franklyn, are to be spokespersons for the Opposition on issues of national importance. He said three more people would be added to that group of senators at a later date. The Opposition group also consists of former Solutions Barbados candidates Scott Weatherhead, Alan Springer, Irvin Belgrave, Rev. John Carter and Paul Gibson. Sylvan Greenidge from the BIM, lecturer Dr Philip Corbin as well as Akil Daley, have also answered Atherley’s call. “This is, for me as Leader of the Opposition, a proud moment. I believe it is for our country a historic moment,” Atherley said on Saturday. However, De Peiza made it clear that she has no intention to be dismissive of the new political grouping and she was adopting a wait-and-see approach before making any judgment on their relevance. “We will never be dismissive of anyone’s attempts to represent the country, but I believe that time will speak to their effectiveness. We have to see what their plans are and how they treat to the issues facing the country,” she said. The former DLP senator also did not rule out the possibility of collaborative efforts between the DLP shadow Cabinet and the Opposition group, providing that their concerns and objectives overlap. “We will work with whomsoever meets our own philosophical objectives. At the end of the day it comes down to doing what is best for the country,” she explained. (BT)

WEST COAST WARNING – The mess that took place on the south coast cannot be allowed to float to Barbados’ platinum coast. According to Minister of Tourism and International Transport, Kerrie Symmonds, the sewage crisis that severely affected the south coast would wreak havoc on Barbados’ bread and butter if it touches the west coast where the island’s upscale properties are located. Speaking at the annual general meeting of the Department of Emergency Management St James Central Emergency Organization, held at Queen’s College School Hall, Sunday evening, Symmonds said that Government sees the south coast crisis as a disaster. He said the crisis which affected the coast for three years resulted in Barbados’ major source markets issuing public health advisories to their citizens. Pointing out that Barbados was experiencing financial difficulties, Symmonds said the country has had to rescue itself from the mess created by the south coast sewage disaster. “The country also now had to turn its attention to Bridgetown because the Bridgetown situation was borderline, about to become as bad as the south coast. And the fact of the matter is that while you have wrestled those two we have to turn our attention eventually to the west coast and begin from scratch. It is the platinum coast because that is where the most expensive part of the tourism product is found. “The properties that at this time of the year are being rented at the start at $2,000 United States dollars per night, at the lowest level and at the highest level can run into $30,000 or $40,000 United States dollars. But if you destroy that coast, then I need not tell you that you destroy the economy of Barbados,” he warned. Symmonds also indicated that the Barbados Labour Party (BLP) administration intended to have all future Government bonds include a natural disaster clause. He said such a necessary move would allow the state to put a two-year pause on the payment of interests and principal on those bonds, that gives Government the elbow room to finance rebuilding processes without having to incur debt to do so. Symmonds explained that the clause would help Barbados which is already in a precarious and dangerous position of being the third most indebted country in the world, to be able to carry another generation of Barbadians forward, even if there was a national tragedy. “In the event of a disaster taking place, for example, and heaven forbid, that Barbados was confronted with the tragedy that confronted Dominica, or the tragedy that confronted Barbuda, those kinds of tragedies would confront a Government with the requirement, to have to finance the rebuilding process by incurring debt. Remember, Government must continue. “So when that tragedy happens and you lose 80 or 90 percent of your housing stock, Government can’t just sit down and do nothing. You have to go into the international market and you have to borrow money. And where it is still possible in the domestic economy, you’ve got to borrow more money, so you go to entities that still exist, even if only in law, like the National Insurance Scheme, to put yourself in a position to do the rebuilding,” he said. Noting that the matter of ensuring Barbados is physically and financially ready to deal with the aftermath of a national disaster had not escaped Cabinet’s attention, Minister Symmonds said that even though the public’s purse does not have sufficient funds to correct it all at once, the time has come where the country must recognize that fundamental parts of the island’s utilities infrastructure needed to be repositioned. “For example, the overhead wires which are used by the Barbados Light & Power (BL&P), which are used by the telephone company, we have to be very aware of the impact of a major hurricane on that infrastructure. “I go back to the point of departure. We are not in a financial position now to do it all at once. But as we go forward, part of the corrective process, and certainly the thinking of the Government is that we must now use the opportunity where it arises, when it arises within reason, because it is a heavy financial commitment, to begin to place some of that overhead infrastructure underground,” he said. Symmonds said that whenever a hurricane affects a country, as was clearly seen when major hurricanes devastated several Caribbean territories in 2017, power lines fall and meet flooded waters, putting residents at major safety risk. “The telephone pole has fallen and the wires are on the ground, people do not know what is in a four-foot or three-foot flood zone of water so they walk through the water because they don’t know that there is livewire underneath there and then they get shocked and electrocuted. This has happened time after time across this region, and part of what we must do in terms of preparing ourselves in terms of disaster management, is to fix that situation,” Symmonds said. (BT)

CAHILL ISSUE NOT DEAD – The ghost of the controversial Cahill waste to energy project has apparently returned to haunt the new Mia Mottley Government. This morning Minister of the Environment and National Beautification, Trevor Prescod, expressed surprise that legal issues surrounding the $700 million plasma gasification project, which was dumped by the then Freundel Stuart administration, has resurfaced three years later. “There has been some communication to Government from some new entity representing that agency. I can’t say if it is a lawsuit but it appears there is some element of Cahill in the business and politics of Barbados. The presence of Cahill and its agents is still very much here,” lamented Prescod. It was last Tuesday that Prime Minister Mottley revealed in Parliament that Government received legal correspondence from a successor entity, seeking to assert legal rights in the abandoned project. “Yesterday I received a letter from the successor entity to Cahill seeking to claim legal rights against the Government of Barbados,” Mottley said charging these were “contracts signed under the cover of night before the Cabinet of Barbados got to see them”. This morning Prescod opted not to go into detail about the nature of the redress being sought nor any possible financial exposure to the taxpayers of Barbados. While in Opposition the BLP had demanded clarity on the details of the agreement between Government and the Guernsey-based Cahill Energy in March 2014, which resulted in a huge outcry from the public. According to then Minister of the Environment, Denis Lowe, the decision to halt the multimillion-dollar project, which was to be based at Vaucluse, St Thomas, had taken into consideration events in London and other places, which had revealed that waste-to-energy operations and plasma gasification projects had shown up significant flaws. “So I assure the public today the Government ain’t going nowhere with that option. It can’t do it, not after the fact that so many Barbadians made their voices heard and told their Government ‘be cautious, hold back on this thing’. We don’t understand it enough. There are other options we can explore. The Government of Barbados would have to be absolutely collectively mad to move ahead on an option where there is global evidence that there are flaws with the technology,” Lowe said back then. Minister of Energy Wilfred Abrahams, who was an Opposition Senator at the time and a lawyer for groups opposed to the construction of the waste-to-energy plant, cautioned that Government would have to fork out a “substantial sum” in penalties for breaching its agreement with the Guernsey-based energy firm. He claimed back then that there was a “done deal” in place, which called for Government to provide all of the garbage needed for plasma gasification. Abrahams also said Government had ensured that the necessary legislation had been passed in both Houses of Parliament for the acquisition of lands at Vaucluse, St Thomas for the project, for which he contended the country could not meet the garbage requirement and would, therefore, have had to import waste. “The minister needs to say what is the Government of Barbados’ exposure, and as a consequence, yours and my exposure as taxpayers, for breaching this Cahill contract,” Abrahams argued. He had charged that the Stuart administration had previously denied entering into the agreement with Cahill and only admitted to it when they eventually announced that the project was dead. “They [Government] went recklessly, irresponsibly, selfishly, under the cover of darkness and entered an agreement that they refused to accept, up to the time the minister said they were no longer going ahead with it,” argued Abrahams. (BT)

FOCUS ON DOING BUSINESS BETTER – Government is on a mission to improve this country’s ranking on the Doing Business record in an effort to attract more investment. Word of this has come from Minister in the Ministry of Economic Affairs and Investment Marsha Caddle, who announced today that a Doing Business subcommittee is to be established in that regard. Addressing the first Planning and Development Bill stakeholder review for 2019 at the Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre, Caddle said once approved by Cabinet, this subcommittee would work closely with a Competitiveness Council to ensure Barbados climbed the Doing Business ranks and measure up more favourably among the best. “This is not to have general discussions about productivity and ideological and philosophical discussions about competitiveness . . . but these committees are to get to the business of improving the doing business rankings, not just so they look good on paper, even though that is important to help drive investment to the country, but improving these indicators so that Barbados works for Barbadians and those who want to come and live and work here,” said Caddle. “So we have made a commitment to get to the root and the heart and nuts and bolts of what is impeding business and investment in the country,” she said. Caddle said she was not satisfied with how Barbados measured up against its Caribbean neighbours in the latest Ease of Doing Business Report. Barbados was ranked 129th out of 190 countries in the 2018 Ease of Doing Business Report, a slight improvement over the 132nd position in 2017. “We looked across the indicators that were measured . . . and in the rankings, dealing with construction permits for Barbados, it is ranked 154, so it is the second worse after Haiti. Now my colleagues from Town and Planning will say it is question of how the data is collected, how it is compiled and that may be so. “That is one of the reasons we are establishing a Doing Business subcommittee of Cabinet. Once approved, that will be supported by a competitiveness council, which is a smaller subcommittee of our private sector and trade union colleagues and other parties that will make up that committee,” she said. Caddle said the review and reform of the Town & Planning legislation formed a major part of that plan which is tied to the overall Barbados Economic Recovery and Transformation (BERT) programme, which she insisted was more than just fiscal adjustment. “It is, at its base, about transformation. And we cannot adjust our way out of this crisis that has been a longstanding one in this country, we have to grow and transform our way out. So what it means is that the powers of government are not simply tax and spend, we have to use all the powers of government as legislator to bring about the kind of growth that we want to see,” she said. Also high on the agenda for the first half of this year, she added, was the establishment of a corporate registry to better facilitate individuals and companies that wish to live and invest in Barbados. Caddle also revealed that Prime Minister Mia Mottley would soon be giving details about planned developments for the island’s southwest corridor – from Oistins in Christ Church to Fitts Village in St James. The details could come as early as Friday. She said Government has identified some areas including buildings and properties that “something must be done about”. “This is not just about the action that government takes, it is also about how we can develop public/private partnerships and encourage the kind of investment that is needed in particular in the City,” said Caddle, adding that plans were in the pipeline to make Bridgetown into a “work and residential centre” again. Last month Mottley announced that her plans for the miles of prime real estate, at least from the Savannah Beach Hotel to the former Four Seasons development would include the construction of about a dozen new hotels. (BT)

MINISTER URGES BUSINESS OWNERS TO APPLY FOR LOAN – Government’s election promise to assist hundreds of fledging business owners with trust loans, has resulted in success for some, but has also highlighted the tremendous difficulties faced by others struggling to make a profit in tough economic times. Minister of Small Business, Entrepreneurship and Commerce, Dwight Sutherland revealed that government has so far disbursed $1.6 million to almost 400 small business owners across the country, since the end of October when the program was launched. While visiting five of the successful recipients on Tuesday, Minister Sutherland said another 800 applicants had not yet received money from the fund, but promised that the initiative was far from finished. “Annually we will be putting in $10 million so we know we are nowhere close to our threshold as yet, but we are getting there. It was a successful launch,” said Sutherland, who added that Tuesday’s visit was intended to send a strong signal to the country’s entrepreneurs. “This government is indeed very serious about building out the capacity and the role they play in terms of adding to our Gross Domestic Product… and also to make sure that we don’t only provide the seed capital, but that we put the necessary infrastructure in place to make these businesses successful,” he said. David Harewood, a vendor at the Constitution River Terminal and owner of Liz Catering has been lauded as a success story, after he managed to fully repay the $5000 trust loan given to him last November, while turning a profit. With the money, Harewood invested in a new, health food product and invested the remainder in his pastries. While showering praise on government for its new program, he encouraged “serious” entrepreneurs to get involved. “You have to be serious about what you are doing,” said the longtime vendor. Harewood said he was finalizing plans to get another $5000 trust loan from government to assist in the further expansion of his business. “I plan to get a little warehouse and do the same thing, but my products will be different, my products will be way different,” said the determined businessman. At Victoria Street in the heart of Bridgetown, Naquita Alexander, owner of clothing store La Flam’s, revealed that she was very impressed with the simple process for acquiring the trust loan. She said the loan came in the nick of time and she was able to acquire new stock for the Hennessy Artistry show. Since then however, she said business had been extremely slow, while adding that much of the stock, which was bought with the money from the loan, is yet to be sold off. Naquita further stressed that journey as a small business owner has not been easy and often required tremendous sacrifice. “Coming to work from nine to five and getting no sales. That was really hard, especially when you have to pay the bills at the end of the month and everything keeps piling up because you’re trying to hold on to the business. I’ve been doing this for 11 years,” she said, while adding that, “going to work for someone else would not be an option, because you create debt when you have a business and the pay [as an employee] would not be substantial to pay off your debt.” Minister Sutherland added that in addition to seed capital, many entrepreneurs needed training on how to get the most out of their investments. He added that the much-needed assistance would come from the Financial Literacy Bureau as soon as Friday in the form of a workshop. “It’s not just financial training but also marketing and customer service. We find one of the challenges in this country relates to customer service and we believe if you get repeat customers, it augurs well for your business.” The minister added that the majority of applications for trust loans were coming from stakeholders in services, apparel, agriculture and sporting sectors, but called on members of other key industries to come forward as well. “We would like to see those people in the renewable energy sector and the creative economy. Those are the ones that we will be pushing to come on board, because we need to build out the cultural industries as well,” he said. (BT)

WE WILL FIND YOU – Minister of Small Business, Entrepreneurship and Commerce, Dwight Sutherland has issued a warning to small business owners who have received government’s trust loans, but have no intention of repaying, that government will find them. During his visit to some beneficiaries of the loan today, Sutherland revealed that he was already recognizing a trend where some recipients have shown an unwillingness to repay the up to $5000 loans and who, since receiving the loan could not be found. The loan scheme was launched last October. “There are some people who are in the minority that we are having challenges with in terms of finding them,” he said, while also stressing that such persons were in the minority and “at least 99 per cent” of the persons who would have accessed the loan have repaid. Nevertheless, Sutherland warned that the worrying trend needed to be stamped out. “We [government] have ways and means of recovering our money and I as the minister and indeed the trust fund unit manager will put the necessary systems in place to ensure that we recover the money. “We trust you and we want you to trust yourself . . . the persons who would have accessed the loan and would have benefited in terms of enhancing their business, we want you to do the right thing and repay the loan,” he said. Sutherland acknowledged that in light of the “challenging times”, some business owners may encounter difficulty repaying, but cautioned against dodging government’s loan officers. “At least call the trust loan officer, manager or whoever and say to them ‘we cannot pay this month or I can only pay a small portion of what I am supposed to pay.’ We will work with you,” he promised, “but do not come and take the money with the view that you are not going to repay. We don’t want to go that route. We are here to grow businesses,” he said. Sutherland further stressed that not every successful applicant would be given a $5000 loan because the amount of money loaned would be based on need and on the ministry’s analysis of each business. “If you need $3000 in your business and we analyze that you only need $3000, we are not going to give you $5000. It is based on need and not want, because we have other persons here who really would like to access the funding. We will assess your need and we will give you the funds accordingly,” he said. (BT)

WOMEN SLAIN – The discovery of the bodies of two females over the last 24 hours, about a mile away from each other in St Lucy, has left residents shaken up, shocked and police on the hunt for their killer(s). Around 9:15 a.m. today, the lifeless body of an unidentified female was found lying on her back next to an abandoned car in a bushy area at Northumberland, St Lucy. Police spent several hours combing the bushy area for clues, and investigating the wounds about the body. Police spokesman Station Sergeant Michael Blackman told members of the media who gathered at the scene that wounds were found about the body of the woman who is believed to be in her 60s. “The information that we got came from a resident in the area. The road is pretty lonesome but there are residents who traverse the area from time to time,” Station Sergeant Blackman said. Meanwhile, police are also conducting investigations into the discovery of an unidentified adult female body at River Bay, St Lucy. The body of that woman who lived just a short distance away from where she was discovered around 5:40 p.m. wearing a blue shorts and a grey tube top. There were significant injuries to her head, according to sources. Station Sergeant Blackman told members of the media that police were still in the process of identifying the woman found at River Bay. However residents told Barbados TODAY that the woman’s name was Joanne and that she lived with a partner and two young men. Residents described the woman as a quiet, pleasant and polite individual whom they said did not deserve to die in such a “terrible” way. They said she had been living in the area for about two years. “If she needed anything she asked and I find that people were always willing to give her. She always walked and kept to herself, and never troubled anybody. Her death has left the community in shock and people wondering what could have gone wrong,” one resident said. When contacted, an immediate family member of the deceased told Barbados TODAY that Joanne had not been in contact with relatives for a while, and indicated that they were unable to speak about the deceased. She was reportedly last seen on Friday. The neighboring River Bay and Northumberland communities were quiet when Barbados TODAY visited the areas today. While the majority of residents had gone to work or school, those at home were trying to come to grips with the quickly unfolding developments. A group of elderly women expressed outrage at what they described as an attempt “to paint a bad picture of St Lucy”. “We don’t get these kind of things going on down here. All these people trying to do is to paint a bad picture of St Lucy. I really hope the police find whoever kill them two women. “I don’t know what going on in Barbados, look at that woman get she throat cut at that old people home last night,” one of the elderly women commented, referring to the third murder at a nursing home in Christ Church. Police are appealing to anyone with information on the two matters to contact them with information. Lawmen are also continuing investigations into the death of Martha Doyle, who lived at Unit 2A at the Vauxhall Senior Citizens Village, Vauxhall, Christ Church. Doyle’s throat was said to have been slashed by a male resident on Monday evening while at the home. The Ministry of People Empowerment and Elder Affairs has launched an internal investigation into the circumstances surrounding Doyle’s death. Minister Cynthia Forde, expressed regret at the demise of the 69-year-old and extended condolences to family of the deceased, and to the residents and staff of the Senior Citizens Village. “As we await the outcome of the investigations, both by the Royal Barbados Police Force and ourselves, we have taken immediate steps to provide counselling, facilitated by Network Services, for the residents and staff. “I would wish to assure the families of residents at the village, as well as the general public, that we give high priority to ensuring the safety at all our facilities including this centre, and if necessary, even further steps will be taken to safeguard the continued welfare of residents,” Forde said. The Vauxhall Senior Citizens’ Village is home to 38 residents, 19 men and 19 women, aged 46 to 83 years old. It provides housing for independent living as well as persons who require assistance. (BT)

LIVING IN FEAR – The discovery of four bodies – three women and a man – in the space of 24 hours has thrown some residents into a state of unease. Two of the women, who could not be identified immediately, were found in St Lucy – one at River Bay and the other at Northumberland, just a few minutes driving distance apart. The other female was identified as 69-year-old Martha Doyle, a vendor and resident of the Vauxhall Senior Citizens’ home in Christ Church who died there. Police believed that the proximity and closeness in time of the St Lucy women were mere coincidence. Hours later they had not released the identities of the two victims as they had not been positively identified because of extensive injuries. The gruesome discovery had the country and residents in the north on edge. Residents said they believed the woman who was found in River Bay, around 5:40 p.m. on Monday, was well known in the area, with one of them saying he got worried after last seeing her four days ago. (MWN)

PROBE INTO VENDOR’S DEATH – Martha Agatha Doyle, who was found dead at the Vauxhall Senior Citizens’ Village in Vauxhall, Christ Church, on Monday night, is being remembered fondly for her personable character and love for vending. Doyle, 69, lived in Free Hill, Black Rock, St Michael, before moving into the home. According to residents in Free Hill, Doyle, said to be Vincentian-born, lived in that area from the 1980s until about two years ago. She was much patronised for fruits and vegetables as she sold a variety of produce for a living, setting up shop at a small shed close to the Psychiatric Hospital on Black Rock Main Road. Lincoln Connell, a long-time Black Rock resident and one of her customers, said she was a friendly and polite person who always greeted people with a smile. “I knew her for about 30 years,” he said. “She always used to sell in the area. You know that being on the street her ears would always be out there, so she always knew what was going on. She used to sell fruits and vegetables, but after a while sales weren’t too hot so she started selling ornamental plants. In fact, I last saw her on Friday when she was getting ready to leave and go home. (MWN)

ANOTHER MURDER – Police were tonight investigating the murder of Barry Taylor of Shop Hill, St Thomas. The 35-year-old was found beside the road at Cane Garden with stab wounds, not far from the Lester Vaughan Secondary School. Taylor’s bloody and lifeless body was discovered at approximately 6.30 p.m. (BT)

HOT-HEADED HUSBAND – There is a law against posting some things on social media and a young husband found that out today, when he admitted accidentally posting nude pictures of his spouse. Jamar Thomas, 33, of Bartlett’sTenantry, Sargeant’s Village, Christ Church, pleaded guilty to the following charge, that on December 25, 2018, he used a cellular phone to send a message that was indecent or obscene and he intended to cause or was reckless as to whether he caused annoyance, inconvenience or distress to his wife, Alika Thomas. Prosecutor PC Kenmore Phillips, in outlining the matter to the District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court presided over by acting Magistrate Anika Jackson, said that the couple had been married for four years, and on Christmas Day last year, they had an argument about Thomas taking up his wife’s phone and reading the messages. According to the prosecutor, Thomas discovered her carrying on a conversation with a male and nude photos of herself were placed on WhatsApp. His wife reported the matter to the police and Thomas turned himself in on January 19. Thomas said that prior to the incident, he had phoned his sister and complained that he was doing all the work and his wife got angry, started to shout and took up his tablet and told him “What is yours is mine and what is mine is yours.” In turn, he said he took up his wife’s phone and said “What is yours is mine and what is mine is yours.” Among other things, Thomas saw some stuff on his wife’s phone including nude videos with his son in the background and he was upset. He said he meant to show them to a woman who counsels them, his head was hot and he sent them on WhatsApp and he later tried to take them down but was not successful. Thomas said he was sorry that it was on social media. The acting magistrate told Thomas “I have taken into account your early plea of guilty at the first opportunity and you have not wasted the court’s time.” With a warning to “walk the straight and narrow way”, the acting magistrate imposed a fine of $1,500 which must be paid by May 24, or he will spend six months in prison. She noted that Thomas’ reputation would now be tarnished at age 33. (BT)

DAMAGED CAR COSTS WOMAN $2,500 – A Christ Church woman readily admitted damaging a car and threw herself at the mercy of the court. Sharon Yvette Harris, 47, of Bartlett’s Tenantry, Sargeant’s Village, today pleaded guilty to damaging a car belonging to Anas Vanzario of Brighton, Black Rock, St Michael, on Errol Barrow Day 2019. Acting Magistrate Anika Jackson, after hearing evidence in the District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court, ordered a three month sentence which was suspended for a year. In addition, she imposed a $2,500 fine which must be paid in three months or Harris will spend three months in prison. Prosecutor PC Kenmore Phillips, in outlining the matter, said that Vanzario lent his vehicle to Harris’ “significant other” and on the day of the incident he and Harris were in the vehicle on Golf Club Road, Christ Church, when she took a knife from the car and attempted to stab her friend. He got out of the car, and Harris took a hammer which was also in the car and swung at him and it struck the car window in the front passenger area and shattered it. She took another swing at her friend and shattered another window. Her friend went to the police who later picked Harris up at the scene. When asked if she had anything to say, the accused said “There was no knife involved in the argument ,” adding that her friend had a hammer and when it dropped, she picked it up and swiped at him and the hammer struck the vehicle. Harris told the court “I was swiping at him, I damaged the car. I will pay for it. I remained until the police came. They asked me if I did it and I admitted it.” The acting Magistrate asked her if she realised the seriousness of the matter, noting that if the hammer did not strike the car, it would have struck her friend and Harris said she understood. Before handing down sentence, the acting magistrate noted that Harris had not been before the court in ten years and said: “I have taken into consideration your early plea of guilty. You have been contrite and you mitigated that you understand the seriousness of the matter.” (BT)

STOUTE FINED $750 FOR $22 IN WEED – Although there’s talk about medical marijuana in Barbados, this drug is still illegal in this country. This reminder came today from acting Magistrate in the District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court Anika Jackson, after 20-year-old, Daniel Antonio Shaquan Stoute, of Lightfoot Lane, St Michael, pleaded guilty to having $22 worth in cannabis on January 20. The acting Magistrate pointed out “In Barbados, cannabis is still an illegal drug, despite discussion about medical marijuana.” In outlining the matter to the court, prosecutor Sergeant Carrison Henry said that police were carrying out investigations into another matter and while going through Greenfield, St Michael saw Stoute. Among other things, the prosecutor said that while conducting a search of the young man, they found 12 greaseproof wrappings containing vegetable matter suspected to be cannabis, in a bag in his pocket, and when asked about it, he told them, “Dis is my weed, I had it to smoke.” He was fined $750 in two months or he will spend two months in jail. Stoute also pleaded not guilty to another charge, that on January 19, 2019, he unlawfully assaulted Tarique Charles of King William Street, St. Michael. That matter was adjourned until May 13, 2019 and bail was granted in the sum of $750. (BT)

BAILEY TAKES HIS CASE TO APPEAL – A man who was sentenced to 20 years in prison after being found guilty of manslaughter six years ago, today told the Court of Appeal he believed his sentence was excessive. In fact, Edward Fitzpatrick Bailey told judges Chief Justice Sir Marston Gibson and Justices Kaye Goodridge and Margaret Reifer that ten years in prison would have been a suitable punishment. That was one of the 23 grounds under which Bailey, whose last address is Cane Vale New Road, Christ Church, argued saying that Madam Justice Maureen Crane-Scott had erred in law during his trial and sentencing. Bailey was 42 years old at the time when he was charged with murdering 24-year-old Ricardo Small, formerly of Kendal Hill, Christ Church, on January 15, 2009. The facts revealed that Bailey walked up to a route taxi in which Small was a front seat passenger while it was in Gall Hill, Christ Church and fatally shot him, sending persons scampering. A 12-member jury found him not guilty of murder but guilty of manslaughter on May 24, 2013 and he was subsequently sentenced by Justice Crane-Scott. Bailey began his appeal on November 21, 2018 and he reappeared before the three-member panel today in the Appeals Court. Clad in a white shirt, black tie and black pants, the convicted man argued that Justice Crane-Scott had made several errors during the trial which adversely affected him. He accused the judge of “entering into the arena” by certain comments and rulings and that she also obstructed him during his cross-examination. According to him, the judge had also erred in law by deflecting questions and assisting the Crown’s witnesses. He said Justice Crane-Scott had failed to exercise her discretion by withdrawing the case from the jury after hearing evidence which was prejudicial to him. Additionally, Bailey told the Court of Appeal that the trial judge had failed to adequately put his defence to the jury; had failed to analyze the evidence of a witness and that she had failed to direct the jury in relation to oral statements. He also pointed out that Justice Crane-Scott incorrectly dismissed his no-case submission, despite glaring inconsistencies in the Crown’s case. Bailey maintained that the evidence given by the Crown’s two key witnesses had not been reliable saying the prosecutor’s case collapsed because of “indescrepencies” in the evidence. “It is not that I did not commit an offence, but not the offence for which I was convicted,” Bailey said. As it related to his sentencing, Bailey charged that the trial judge had not taken all of the mitigating factors into consideration before handing down her ruling. He said she has “missed” several of those factors including the fact he had acted in self defense, that the now deceased man had a propensity for violence and that he Bailey, had received an “excellent” probation report. Bailey said the trial judge had ruled that a starting point of between 18 to 22 years was adequate. “The sentence is excessive…I believe that the judge should have started with at least ten years,” he said. However, he was quickly reminded by Justice Goodridge and Sir Marston that a firearm had been used and that he had shot the deceased in a crowded public service vehicle in broad daylight, which they said were notable aggravating factors. Principal Crown Counsel Alliston Seale will respond to Bailey when the appeal continues on March 13, 2019. (BT)

MORE ROOM AT OVAL – Boosted by over 7 000 English visitors, including the popular Barmy Army, a record number of spectators are expected to converge at Kensington Oval for today’s start of the Test match between England and West Indies. With tickets virtually sold out for all the major stands such as the 3Ws, Greenidge And Haynes and Hewitt And Inniss for the first three days and the demand increasing, a new temporary stand and bleachers area were hastily put together yesterday. They were assembled between the electronic scoreboard and the Cozier, Coppin and Short Media Centre, and are expected to accommodate an additional 600 local spectators. Costing a mere $30, these tickets were being swiftly snapped up by Barbadians, who were unable to purchase tickets when the sales booth at Kensington opened earlier this month. Kensington Oval has a seating capacity of just over 11 000, but that number will be increased as the PowerX4 Beach Party Stand was being extended to accommodate 1 500 more patrons. (MWN)

HOLDER IN ICC’S TEAM OF THE YEAR – Heartened by being selected to the International Cricket Council’s (ICC) Test Team Of The Year 2018 Windies captain Jason Holder – the lone West Indian picked – says he would be happier if his performances result in more victories. The 27-year-old Holder was chosen in the Test team captained by India’s prolific batsman Virat Kohli after enjoying an outstanding record-breaking year. Holder snared 33 scalps in six Tests in 2018 at an average of 12.39, the best by any fast bowler with more than 30 wickets in the last 100 years.His performances saw him leap to third among the all-rounders and tenth in the ICC Test bowling rankings. “It is still my ambition to be the No.1 all-rounder in the world, but as I said before, I think I would feel a lot better being the No. 1 all-rounder in the world and the West Indies ranking at No. 2 or No. 3 in the overall ICC rankings,” Holder told NATION SPORT yesterday at Kensington Oval after the Windies’ last training session before the first Test against England starting today. The lanky six-footer has now taken 86 wickets in 35 Tests at an average of 28.50, with four of his five five-wicket hauls coming in consecutive Tests last year, but he wants to see a more collective effort from his teammates. “I think if we move together a bit more as a side, it feels a lot more pleasing to have individual success,” Holder said noting it is something they have spoken about during team meetings. (MWN)

For daily or breaking news reports follow us on Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter & Facebook. That’s all for today folks. There are 342 days left in the year. Shalom! #thechasefilesdailynewscap #thechasefiles# dailynewscapsbythechasefiles

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5 Stupid Things We Need To Stop Clicking On

We are living through the final gasps of the Information Age. Experts estimate that 62 percent of all information we now receive is deliberately false, and that includes the percentage and experts I made up at the start of this sentence. The sad truth is, most of you will never have the critical thinking or research skills to know what’s real, and that will only make you more sure about the wrong things your stupid ass believes. The good news is that this article isn’t about that shit. The fake news fight is over, and stupid won. No, this article is about the dumb things we all keep falling for — even you, the genius who chose the right political side and religion.

Pointlessly Insane Products Are Not That At All

Last year, Tiffany & Co. started selling the Sterling Silver Tin Can, an empty can that costs $1,000. You’ll notice that this is far more than you’d normally pay for soupless garbage. To be clear, this wasn’t some tin can that once held Prince’s final green beans. It’s only a can. As an artistic statement, it was 50 years stale, and as a money-making scheme, it was somewhere between a portable diarrhea box and that same product without a lid. It’s the kind of idea that would make the other Saved By The Bell writers say, “Look, if you’re not ready to come back to work, take more time off to deal with the death of your son.” The point I’m making is that it’s hard not to comment on Tiffany’s silly can, and that’s more appealing to Tiffany & Co. than when we comment on how the people who mined their products all died of slavery.

“Darling, I was part of many souls transcending penetration to transform a utilitarian men’s room into an installment of signature Tiffany oeuvre.” — this Tiffany copywriter explaining to his wife why there are seven colors of pubic hair in his underpants

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8 Baffling Poop-Themed Toys Kids Are Lining Up To Buy

And it’s not only tin cans and Wu-Tang albums that are marketed in intentionally strange ways. Food advertisers have figured out that they can get more attention by being ridiculous than by being delicious. Remember when KFC used fried chicken as sandwich bread in the Double Down? Or when Chick-Fil-A announced that their fried chicken hated gay people with the Cajun Titty Jiggler? We all made fun of them, but they absolutely did not care. These are people turning pigeon meat and “deported” foreign nationals into nugget shapes. They’ll take any press they can get.

We need to stop doing this. It’s very possible the only conversation any of us had or will ever have about Dr. Pepper came when they released a special version of their soda for men only. We all went on Twitter to say things like, “Forbidding women from tasting Dr. Pepper Ten will only delay the discovery that it’s made from semen, not stop it completely.” We asked questions like, “Why would you make a soda for men only? Are you trying to find the perfect drink to pair with losing custody of your kids?” Or maybe you simply speculated, “Dr. Pepper Ten sounds like the refreshing treat you reach for when defending an accused rapist you haven’t met.”

SORRY LADIES, OUR CREATIVE DIRECTOR IS STILL DEALING WITH SOME CHILDHOOD TRAUMA INVOLVING PENISES.

Products should make the customer happy, not be so deliberately dumb that the customer hears about them during a Jimmy Kimmel monologue. You shouldn’t make every tenth new Oreo out of cat suppository in the desperate hope that cookie influencers tweet about it. And pizza, you especially need to get your shit together.

In 2012, a Pizza Hut employee happened upon the idea of a hot-dog-stuffed crust, quite by accident, when his manager caught him fucking a pizza and demanded an explanation. This marked the last time there would ever be a non-insane pizza invention. Today, pizza marketing is a series of deranged innovations, like a serial killer’s journey toward becoming the Minotaur. For instance, Pizza Hut created “smart” shoes that place an order for you. Aside from getting the elderly to wonder what they’re going to come up with next, what the fuck good do pizza shoes do anyone? If you have a use for ordering Pizza Hut via shoe, your foot is going to fall off from diabetes long before you get to do it a second time.

And did you know that Domino’s spent millions of dollars promoting something called “carryout insurance?” It’s what it sounds like — a financial guarantee that when your sloppy ass drops a pizza, they give you another one. Aside from getting us to mention how dumb that is, what’s the point? Was there a community of fat idiots eating pizza off the ground and demanding their representatives do something? Let’s say it’s just to set your mind at ease. Let’s pretend you’re thinking about ordering Domino’s, but decide against it because you’re always dropping pizza. Will this convince you? Of course not. You’re not even here. You were taken in the night by mad scientists, and now you’re a lump of brain tissue labelled “HISTORY’S SADDEST FUCK.”

“CARRYOUT INSURANCE!? Hey, boss? Yeah, I just found a loophole that gives me unlimited floor pizza. So what I’m saying is you can kiss my ass.“

All Things “Of The Year” Are Arbitrary Decisions Made By Small Teams Of Random Assholes

We are living in the darkest of times. Our current sexiest man alive looks like a rectangle who makes its living hustling milk-drinking contests.

“I’m digesting four gallons of Half & Half. Hi, I’m Blake Shelton, your sexiest man alive.”

When People magazine announced hoedown music standout Blake Shelton as the sexiest man alive while Casper Van Dien was still not dead, it hit like a bomb. Every Twitter account and Safeway express lane had a hot take on it. It wasn’t merely controversial; it was a direct challenge to what vaginal lubrication even meant. What will it do to society if passably handsome NASCAR dads are the new standard of sexy? Do we need to stop doing sit-ups? Will there be enough denim?

What will Casper Van Dien do with this boner?

You know what we should have been doing that whole time? Not giving a shit about how handsome Blake Shelton is. Don’t get me wrong, Blake Shelton is alright. His condoms probably don’t expire, and if he was arrested for sodomizing a dairy cow, you’d think “Him?” But let’s not play games. He’s not the sexiest man alive. At best, he’s “Oklahoma’s Hottest Mostly Ham DNA.” But we should remember that this isn’t some great honor decided by measuring the gonad stimulation of test subjects. “Sexiest Man Alive” is picked by four or five editors desperately trying to hang onto print media jobs, and every now and then one of them is smart enough to say, “What if we trolled everyone?” With all respect to Blake Shelton’s fuckability, if you died trying to teach a prosthetic arm how to give a handjob, the People staff would write your name up on the “Sexiest Man Alive MAYBES” board.

It’s important to keep in mind how meaningless these titles are before we get outraged. Before Donald Trump, Time gave its 2006 “Person of the Year” title to You, as in the second-person pronoun. And in 1938 they gave it to Hitler, the Donald Trump of 1938. These are meaningless choices meant to inspire terrible conversations between uninteresting people. Did you think LaTonya from Fayetteville was chosen as Jet ‘s “Beauty of the Week” because of her winning tits and smile? Wake up. It’s because her face tattoo says “Abortion is Bae.” Please, all of us, we have to stop getting outsmarted by the Jet magazines of the world.

It’s Not An Event When Fictional Characters Die

In 1992, DC Comics killed Superman — an invincible ventriloquist with laser eyes, frost breath, and chronosphere-bending flight speed — with a rock monster who was pretty good at punching. Despite it being the third time he had died, the country went into mourning and the story was picked up by the actual news. Which was weird, because if the media wanted to cover upsetting Superman stories, where were they when his girlfriend got turned into a pony and fucked his horse?

I think about this every day. Every day.

Why are we so obsessed with fictional deaths? Most of the time, they’re not even real in the make-believe universe in which they happen. Captain America and Batman die around 20 times a year, each in different combinations of fake-outs, resurrections, and universe reboots. If a dead guy’s best friends own a time machine and the Eye of Agamotto, you can probably hold off on making funeral plans. And if your favorite character dies on The Walking Dead, maybe don’t waste an hour watching Chris Hardwick cry until you see the body.

It should help you relax knowing that most fictional deaths are only abusive pranks, but the “real” ones are about as meaningless.

I mean, you knew there wasn’t going to be any more Firefly. This death cost us maybe two wisecracks.

Remember when Han Solo died? He was a 73-year-old laser gun fighter scheduled to get his own movie in three years. His death was both long overdue and completely inconsequential to the amount of Han Solo you will continue to see on your TV. His father-in-law, Darth Vader, was on screen for about 36 minutes before he died in 1983, and since his death, there have been more Anakin Skywalker stories than anyone could ever want. Anakin Skywalker is the Nicolas Cage of outer space. He stopped making good movies three decades ago, yet he’s still everywhere and radiating inexplicable cosmic energy.

If George R. R. Martin went on TV to announce that a meteor hit Westeros between books and everyone in A Song Of Ice And Fire is gone, how is that different from the world you’re living in now? The guy has clearly wanted to focus more on snacks for about four books. You know what’s sadder than seeing Ned Stark get his head chopped off? Watching some fragile-hearted slob go through the stages of grief in a YouTube video afterwards. Parents, if your child is filming themselves weep over a make-believe death, that’s a bigger failure than if your child is filming themselves pee into a tube sock for Patreon supporters. I mean, you can do whatever you want, but when you cry over fake people whom you can still see every day for as long as you want, you’re only sending a message to the people around you that you’re a dramatic piece of shit. But I know something that will cheer you up!

Being Special Is Free

That’s right, I said it.

You’re welcome.

It’s pretty easy to sell someone nothing more than the idea that they’re special or important for actual money. For example, somewhere right now, a Todd is looking through a rack of keychains to see if they have one with his name on it. “I hope they have a Todd,” he might announce as he thumbs through dusty garbage. “They do! And it’s spelled right!” So Todd will buy it, a cute reminder of the worst store in the least interesting part of a city he once visited, and it will never occur to him that an Indonesian factory gambled and won that a completely shitty Todd would one day pay money to remind himself of his own name. This next part is way off-topic, but not even the Indonesians could have foreseen that this keychain would one day be used to frame Todd …

… for Toddslaughter.

Back to the point I was trying to make: We are all susceptible to this crap. Coke had its first sales increase in more than a decade when it introduced the idea of adding the customers’ stupid fucking names to their cans and bottles. And the internet has been haunted by ego-stroking personality quizzes and IQ tests since before we used it to pay girls peeing into tube socks. We are so desperate to be told we’re special that we will suspend all disbelief and critical thinking to hear it. You should know that answering a few simple personality questions does not make you the coolest ninja turtle, and you shouldn’t trust the scores of an IQ test that you watched yourself cheat on which also advertises free Slavic women and four new pounds of dick girth.

One of my favorite examples of this, and favorite things in general, is an online community called Intertel — “An International Society of the Intellectually Gifted.” It’s very difficult to get in. You can only join if you score in the top 1 percent of any self-administered intelligence test and mail in a $10 application fee. You may have considered that this in fact checks to see whether you’re stupid enough to mail in a test with a 98 percent score or less and nothing else. If you get accepted, you then pay a $39 annual fee to be a part of a genius club for people who are very specifically not. What do you get? I’m so glad you asked. For the annual fee, you get unlimited pity and the right to post a photo and bio about your unusually gullible self. It has created an avalanche of unearned ego that looks like a late ’90s Casper Van Dien fan page whose webmaster went mysteriously missing.

Image courtesy of the estate of the Casper Van Dien Fan Page & Genius Community webmaster.

OK, no, but seriously, this next image is a real screenshot from the Inertel (An International Society of the Intellectually Gifted) website. This is a real person who really thinks he’s in the 1 percent of intellectual elites, and this is his real profile.

I didn’t doctor this. This is what an actual genius named BigJim369 pays $39 a year to display. Fuck! This world is magic and you get to live in it!

Another business that exploits your love of yourself on a massive, sprawling scale is the pop-up museum industry. The name implies that there are things to do or learn inside them, but they’re more like oversized photo booths than art galleries. For instance, if you take a trip to the zany, world-famous Museum of Ice Cream, you will learn zero to one things about ice cream and eat ice cream worth $45 less than the entry ticket. What you will do is wait in line to take photos of yourself next to what you’d describe in any other context as “nothing of interest.” So to be clear, we are so self-obsessed that it’s now an effective business model to charge us money to take pictures of ourselves so we can promote you online.

You didn’t fool ME, Museum of Ice Cream. But my family loved it. Five stars.

Stop Making It Seem Like There Are Nazis

OK, so the world has enough idiot racists to elect Donald Trump president, but not all of those voters were full white supremacists. Some of them were simply too religious to know when someone is lying or too old to change their mind about politics. And yes, a troubling number of them were Nazis. But in a lot of ways, most things are fine and the world isn’t as awful as you think.

You’re welcome again.

Impossibly shitty people, like the Trump supporters who took that Garfield mug personally, seem like they’re everywhere. A lot of that is our fault — the decent people making fun of them. They use us to amplify their voices, like Han Solo (R.I.P.) convincing a hallway of Stormtroopers that he’s way more people than he actually is. Every few minutes, a website publishes a variation on the article “These Miserable Fucks Said Something Racist About A Thing And Got Annihilated By Twitter.” They’re fun and vaguely heroic, but if you read more than one, you’ll start to see that they all share the same content. It’s the same three or four racist tweets quoted in every article, tweeted by the same three or four racists who “attacked” the Star Wars with the Asian girl and “staged boycotts” of the all-lady Ghostbusters. We need to stop treating these three or four people like they’re a threat to anything other than skewing PornHub’s algorithm to favor mother-son incest.

BREAKING NEWS: Local high school’s least-likable prick still making quite a spectacle out his irrelevant awfulness.

Here’s a reassuring fact: A study of Reddit found that 1 percent of communities were responsible for 74 percent of all conflict. We are taking the intentionally ignorant comments of a Kia’s worth of debate club hobbyists and pretending they’re a tidal wave of hate we must stand together against. The “alt-right” movement is 30 boys too cranky to date and too slow to learn Dungeons & Dragons. Their supporters are a toxic group of gamers who will disappear once they turn 17, and their media outlet is a cable network whose entire audience will be dead in two more flu seasons. All these people want is for the other side to get upset, so if we stop writing thinkpieces about the rise of dapper white nationalism and focus more on how liberals hate suicide cults, we can be rid of them almost immediately.

BREAKING NEWS: C-word who only tweets C-wordy antisemitic things DOES!

Ann Coulter is a good example. She’s the skeletal remains of antique intolerance, and she has about as much cultural influence as Corey Feldman’s band, Oral Thrush and the Yeast 2000s. Has she ever done anything other than hiss wrong things at impatient TV personalities or pretend that clinical antisemitism is antisemitic comedy? She only seems like she is a thing because 10,000 of us dunk on the bitch every time she blames her oral thrush on the Jews. Without all of us explaining to each other how wrong she is, Coulter would just be wandering through Home Depot to see if there are any white employees she can ask about the toilet safety rails. And soon she would be hatching spider eggs in her mouth while her parakeet watched her body rot. “Rawk! The Jews are at it again!” it would repeat to her undiscovered corpse. “The Jews are at it again!”

We all seem to get how dumb it is when the news says “teens” are doing a comically apeshit thing like human centipede parties or detergent eating. Why can’t we use those same giant brains to figure out how one Nazi nerd looking for attention isn’t “the Right”? I know it’s tough to resist trolls, but Kim Kardashian owning all the world’s money should have taught you that there is virtue in shutting the fuck up about some things. We need to stay strong not in the battle against the “alt-right,” but in the battle to ignore them. The next time you see another column about how women won’t date conservative men, leave it alone. Let those dickless Nazis keep writing versions of that article into the empty void until they learn evil causes women to dry up. And the next time someone on your Facebook thread defends their Second Amendment rights after a school shooting, don’t validate their child murder fandom with attention. Move your cursor to the left and click on their mother’s profile. Pose as Blake Shelton, win her moist trust, and quietly destroy that child-murderer’s family. Every one of us can shut up and make a difference.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Did you realize Casper van Dien was in a Tarzan movie in the 90s?

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