#because I fucking haven’t since 2020. wearing a mask outside of my home has kept my lips soft for YEARS!

[wittywallflower]

just something to watch out for this chapped lips season:

just bought chapstick that had a cap twice as long as normal/it needs to be. why such a giant cap? Made it easy to get away with making the actual chapstick part shorter. Cuz the whole unit feels and looks the same size as your average chapstick.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Keys of truth - Harry Styles

❄️ FANFICmas 2020 ❄️

Read more about FANFICmas here!

hiya loves! this was a very sudden idea of mine that i really wanted to write so i made it to be the last fic of fanficmas! thank you for reading my works through the month, i hope you all enjoyed all the content and i hope you’ll stay with me in 2021 as well! this is an exlovers to lovers fic, kind of very emotional so... yeah!

word count: 3.4k

masterlist

You stay in your car for so long the heat that warmed you on your way here has completely disappeared, your fingers are like ice as they still grip the steering wheel. The snow blizzard  outside is raging, warning you that if you don’t go inside anytime soon you might get stuck here and that’s the last thing you want: trapped with your ex who you still dearly love.

You can barely see out of the windshield, it’s covered in snow, another sign that your time is ticking, you need to get back home before all roads get snowed in.

“You can do it. It’s just Harry,” you tell yourself, but that’s the problem. It’s Harry who is currently inside, kind of waiting for you to arrive, pack the remaining of your stuff from his house so your breakup can be official.

The burning regret has been making your life miserable in the past few weeks, ever since you said the words and instantly wanted to take them back. But upon seeing his reaction, you decided to be stubborn and don’t show your weakness.

“Can’t this conversation just wait a little longer, please?” he sighed, clearly annoyed that you brought up the same thing for the hundredth time in the past two months. But you just couldn’t help it, you were feeling like you were running out of time and Harry didn’t seem to realize it.

“How can you ask me to put it aside when my lease is ending in January? I need to know how to plan. Why is it so hard to decide if you want me here or not?”

The thought of moving together had come up a few times, but it became a burning question when your lease was nearing its end. You wanted to move in with Harry, something you’ve been planning on for a while, and you thought he did the same. But when you first mentioned it to him, he seemed hesitant, as if he didn’t want it wholeheartedly and that hurt you like Hell, but thought he might had had just a long day. So you agreed to have the conversation another time, but it seemed like no time was suitable for him. He had been dodging your question instantly, trying to get out of it as fast as possible, giving you the feeling that he doesn’t want you around after all.

But it was now the beginning of December, leaving you very little time to look for a new place if he decided he needed his own place. It wouldn’t have bothered you that much, you understand his need for privacy, but at least have the courage to tell you, right? But he didn’t. He kept brushing it off, building the tension in you until one day… you snapped.

“It’s not that easy, Y/N, alright? I asked you to have this discussion later, why can’t you wait a little more?” he snapped right back, growing frustrated as well, but you didn’t think he had the right.

“Wait for what? To make up your mind if you want a future with me or not? If you are hesitant about it, then I think we have a bigger problem on your hands here, Harry,” you retorted, feeling all the rage you’ve kept bottled up erupt from you.

“What does that supposed to mean?” He looks at you with a hard stare and you stand his piercing eyes, not looking away.

“What it means is that… your behavior is making me think that maybe we aren’t heading in the right direction. I thought it was evident that we would move in, but your hesitation is kind of ruining the picture for me.”

“I’m not hesitating, I just asked for some time to smooth some things out!”

“What things? Do you have someone else living with you and you need to get rid of them before I can move in or what?”

“For fuck’s sake, just give me some damn time, Y/N!”

“Well, I don’t think I have any more time.”

He stared at you in disbelief and the words burned your tongue, but there was no turning back now, it was out there.

“For the moving or for me?” he simply asked, no emotion showing on his face and that hurt you more than you expected. You wanted him to panic, to fall to his knees and beg for your forgiveness, but his reaction was so cold and empty, it completely broke your heart.

“I think we both know the answer,” you whispered, feeling the tears building in your eyes already.

You stormed out of his place after a few insults were thrown at each other and now it has been three weeks you officially called it quits. The worst three weeks of your life, if you are being honest. Not one night went by without you crying yourself to sleep, deeply missing Harry. You still love him more than anyone or anything and there were so many times you just wanted to go back to him crawling, but your pride didn’t let you. He seemed just fine to let you go and that was like a stab in your chest, see him so in peace with you walking out. You just couldn’t believe two years went right out the window just like that, after such a ridiculous little thing. You still haven’t been able to figure out why he couldn’t just give you an answer. It would have been painful to hear him tell you he doesn’t want you living with him just yet, but you would have gotten over it eventually. Would have been a lot better ending to the story than this ugly breakup you won’t be able to forget about… ever.

Swinging the door open the cold wind slaps you right across your face, earning some pretty creative curses from you as you lock the car. Snow is everywhere, threateningly falling with no mercy, and you know you need to make it quick.

Marching up to the front door you push the button to the doorbell a little too forcefully, eyes squinting from the blizzard and it feels like your eyelashes are now covered in snow completely.

Then the door opens and there he is, standing tall and just as handsome as always, wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a knitted sweater, curls a little messy but in the cutest way possible. He looks so cozy and warm, you just want to wrap yourself into his embrace, but you remind yourself that you no longer have the right to be that close to him.

“Hey, come on in,” he greets you with a small smile, holding the door open as you walk inside and he finally shuts the door, keeping the cold outside.

You haven’t seen him since your fight and now it’s like another slap across your face, seeing him in the flesh, looking… fine. As if nothing has happened while you’ve been a nervous wreck these past weeks and it makes the whole situation even more painful.

“Hi. I’ll be quick, I promise,” you tell him clearing your throat as you get rid of your coat and boots, leaving them by the door so you don’t get any mess on any of his rugs. He nods his head quietly following you further inside the house before taking the lead. You’ve thought about this place as a second home for some time now, but now being here as just some kind of guest is heartbreaking, but you try your best not to think about how painful it really is.

“Most things are in the wardrobe, but I think you have quite some books in the study as well,” he says, awkwardly clearing his throat as he walks you into his bedroom he has shared with you oh so many times before.

“Thanks,” you mumble.

“Do you fancy a cup of tea? I can also help you if you want,” he offers, clearly not certain about how he should act now and that makes the two of you, it seems.

“Tea sounds great, but I’ll be fine on my own,” you tell him with a faint smile and he just nods, shuffling out of the room, leaving you alone.

You start going through his spacious wardrobe, collecting all your items you’ve left here through your time with him, and pack them away into the bags you brought with yourself, knowing well you have a lot to take home. You hear Harry starting the kettle outside in the kitchen and you need to take a deep breath so you don’t start crying. You miss him so much. You miss having him around, talking to you, touching you… kissing you. It’s killing you to know that you’ll never have him the way you want and it feels like you can do nothing, but to suffer quietly.

While packing, you find some of the shirts he always gave you when you spent the night, even though you had your own clothes to sleep in. There was just something different to have his shirts on, smell his scent and he also never failed to tell you how much he loves seeing you wear his stuff, so you shamelessly borrowed anything that caught your eyes. For a moment, you debate if he would notice if you took one of his shirts, but then you tell yourself it would be a stupid idea, so you force yourself to leave there everything that’s not essentially yours.

“Here. With a dash of honey, just like how you always drink it,” he smiles at you warmly as he reappears with a steaming mug in his hands.

“Thank you,” you mumble shyly taking the mug from him to have a breather from all the packing.

He stays standing there, just a few feet from you, looking around a little lost, his hands on his hips, as if he is trying to find something to do, but there’s none. It’s the first time you see something in him, something you are not used to, but it’s so masked that you can’t put your finger on it.

“Alright, um… I’ll be in the kitchen if you need any help,” he then says with a tight-lipped smile before walking out and leaving you alone again.

You need a breather once he is gone, you let yourself sit on the edge of his bed, sipping on the tea and you can’t ignore how he used your favorite filter, the one you always made him buy so he had it at his place as well. These thoughtful little things always make your stomach churn, especially now. Because you just can’t put it together with how it all ended. Why would he be this caring and loving man towards you, when he doesn’t want you anymore?

Swallowing down you tears you just sit there until you finish the hot drink and force yourself to stand up and bring the mug out for him. Your feet tap against the hardwood floor quietly and as you are about to turn the corner, you stop hearing his quiet voice coming from the kitchen.

“I can’t, Gems. I can’t fucking do it,” you hear him, his voice muffled and something odd lacing through it. “But it’s so fucking hard!” he snaps after a short silence and you assume his sister told him something through the phone. “I don’t want this…” he breathes out and you realize that he is crying.

He lets out a quiet sob and you dare to step forward and look in his way in the kitchen. He is hunched over with his back facing you, a hand gripping the edge of the counter while the other one his holding his phone to his ear. He looks so broken, like just a ghost of himself, nothing like the unbothered man you saw just a little while ago. Seeing him like this breaks your heart even more and you don’t even know what to do or say, so you just stand there, eavesdropping on his conversation with his sister.

“I don’t know how she would react. You really think it’s a good idea?” he asks, sniffing his nose and his hand flies from the countertop to his face, wiping his cheeks harshly. “I don’t… Fuck, this is so bad, Gems.”

You feel your throat closing up, you are dying to know what Gemma is saying on the other end of the call.

“I know,” he replies to something. “Of course I do. How can I not? This was never supposed to happen.” Another silence. “I fucking know, Gems, but I felt so dumbfounded, I literally couldn’t think straight!”

You suck on your breath, trying your best to put the bits and pieces together. If he is talking about what you think, you are about to break out into sobs any moment.

“Alright,” he sighs, head falling back a little as he is probably blinking away his tears. The urge to just go up behind him and hug his waist, pressing your cheek against his shoulder blades, like you always do whenever he is washing the dishes or making breakfast for the two of you, is getting hard to fight.

He ends the call and before you could even realize, your feet are taking you forward in his direction. Your knee cracks when you take a bigger step and it makes his head snap around. You freeze right where you are, a few feet away from him, holding your empty mug in your hands, staring back at him at a lack of words. Now that he is facing you it’s clear that he was indeed crying, the redness around his eyes and glistening cheeks of his give him away instantly.

“Oh, um, hey. You need help with anything?” he asks, wiping his cheeks again, though there’s no use in trying to hide the signs.

“Harry, what was that about?” you softly ask as he keeps his eyes fixated on the tiled floor in front of him.

“Just… Gemma.”

“What was never supposed to happen?” you ask ignoring how he tried to dodge your question. He draws a shaky breath, looking anywhere but at you and you hate it. You need to see those green eyes on you. So stepping closer you turn his head by his chin so his glassy gaze meets yours.

Harry opens his mouth two times, but closes it until he finally speaks up for the third time.

“There’s something I want to give you,” he tells you, caching you by surprise.

“You didn’t answer me.”

“Just…” he breathes out in defeat. “Let me give it to you, okay? And I’ll answer all your questions after that.”

Silently you nod and watch him shuffle into his bedroom, hearing him open a drawer and then he appears with a tiny box in his hands. It’s deep blue, with a pretty little white bow on top. He gestures for you to sit on the couch with him, so you silently obey and the two of you sit on each sides of his plush couch.

“Here,” he whispers handing you the box. Glancing up at him you try to put the picture together, but you fail to see what this is about so you go ahead and take off the lid.

At first you don’t realize what it is that you are looking at. There is a set of keys on a chain along with a little silver heart, your name engraved into it. A second passes by, then another and you gasp when realization hits you.

“Harry, what is this?” you ask, not really meaning that what’s in the box, because you figured it’s the keys to his place, but you can’t figure out why he just gave this to you.

“I’ve had them made for over two months. Wanted to give them to you on Christmas as a surprise. This was my plan all along and this is why I tried to push the conversation back. There was nothing to talk about, I wanted you here, I just wanted it to be a surprise for you. But then we had that stupid fight and I knew I should have just told you the truth, but I was shocked and couldn’t think properly. I never wanted us to end up like this and when I realized what I did you were already… gone.”

The tears start soaking your cheeks within a moment as you clutch onto the keys for dear life, listening to Harry.

“I was an idiot. I wanted to call you and tell you why I didn’t want to talk about the moving, but then I thought you wouldn’t believe me and say that I was just trying to save what was left of us. Fuck, that was my biggest mistake ever. I haven’t stopped beating myself up about it and I’ve been so miserable without you, Y/N. You can’t even imagine.”

“I think I can,” you choke out with a bitter laugh. “I regretted it the moment I said those words. But I was too proud to admit it and you seemed just fine with it.”

“Oh I was miles away from being fine,” he breathes out, his body falling forward as he leans his elbows onto his thighs. “I didn’t stop crying until like six in the morning, Y/N. After you left, I felt like I had nothing left.”

You sob at his words, putting the keys aside as you crawl into his arms, swinging a leg over him so you can straddle him and sit on his lap. His strong arms curl around your frame instantly, an instinct he has had for a while now and three weeks wasn’t enough to get rid of it, luckily. He pulls you close as you bury your face into the crook of his neck, sobbing and crying uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry I ever made you think I’m not planning my future with you. You are my future, Y/N. All of it.”

“Stop!” you choke out laughing. “I can’t cry any harder!” you say, making him laugh as well. His hand slides to the back of your neck, threading his fingers into your hair.

“Oh baby, I don’t want you to cry at all,” he chuckles softly, pulling you to his chest once again. “I want you to be happy, preferably with me, but if you tell me to fuck off, I still understand.”

“Don’t you dare say that,” you smack his chest gently. “I love you way too much to ever say that.”

“Fuck, you don’t know how amazing it is to hear that,” he breathes out as his hands move up to cup your face and he finally pulls you into a sweet, i-missed-you-so-fucking-much-don’t-ever-leave-me-again kiss that makes the whole world spin around you. Just like that, the universe falls into perfect balance and all the suffering and pain you had to go through, it vanishes the moment Harry’s lips touch yours again, something you truly thought would never happen again.

“So, have you found a place yet?” he asks, a little out of breath from the kisses you two just shared. Resting his forehead against yours he looks into your eyes with his piercing green ones that you missed so dearly.

“I was supposed to move to my sister’s temporarily, but I guess I can give her a call that she won’t have to put up with me after all,” you chuckle making Harry laugh as well. “When do you want me to move?”

“Like right now,” he replies instantly, making your heart flutter. “But whenever you want to, it doesn’t matter as long as you don’t change your mind about it.”

“Then how about after Christmas?”

“Perfect,” he breathes out pecking your lips again.

“I guess we have to rearrange our Christmas plans too. Unless… you don’t want me to go home with you.”

“None of that shit anymore, baby. I want you with me all the time,” he blurts out making you smile. He will never hold anything back from now on, this mishap taught you both a lesson about communication and honesty. He turns to look out the window and you follow his gaze realizing the blizzard has completely snowed the two of you in. “I think we might be trapped here for a while,” he states, a small smirk tugging on his lips.

“Oh no, what a disaster!” you moan, voice still shaky from the crying, but your comment makes the both of you laugh.

“Luckily, you still have all your stuff here,” he huffs looking back at you.

“Mhm, luckily,” you breathe out before pulling him down for another kiss.

Thank you for reading, let me know what you thought about it!

[newyearnewmebitches]

7/13/2020, 20:47

I feel like I'm in a bit an emotional rut. a part of me feels really bittersweet and empty leaving my current job, and I think I just want to free write my feelings to see where it’ll take me. so here’s a 30 minute long written rant about my feelings, maybe I'll discover something. 

So, I think this starts with my feelings over my unit, and when I first started there. I remember looking at the iCU unit as something that was so tight knit, and I envied the support on that unit. and when I joined, in was so excited to integrate myself, become a strong nurse and to be a role model for new, upcoming people. and obviously, as I started there, faces started coming in and out. the initial year of me being there, was a golden year for me. I loved the people I worked with, there was a nice balance of new nurses and older nurses, and despite a hard night, it felt like we were all in it together. it felt really special. a lot of the days I'd leave at 9AM-10am, and we’d be incredibly short staffed, and although I was burned out, I felt happy to be where I was.

during the past year was when it think I noticed a shift in my mood towards work. a lot of new faces were coming in, and the faces that I've grown with were leaving. and there’s nothing wrong with that, I feel like the demographic and mix of nurses in a unit should always be evolving- cause growth duh. but I think Spuh’s biggest selling point as a hospital is the family appeal and the close-knit units that keep people there- because it’s definitely not the pay lol. I think after getting certified, I felt comfortable to apply to other places, but I still felt too attached to st. peter’s to leave completely. 

then this pandemic hit, and I truly started to ... like working again despite the crisis and burnout. but the sense of team work and community on the unit was at an all-time high as our staff, float staff and agency workers joined together for a common cause. it’s was truly inspiring, and I loved the energy, of being there for each other through the loss and wins. I think I definitely ride on the emotional highs and lows way too much that’s just my empathetic soul, aint it?

this next rant is probably a deep dive to say, but working greg, one of our most long lasting agency nurses, is also what kept my morale relatively constant throughout the past year. when I first met him, it’s obvious to say, I had the biggest crush on him. and as I got to work with him, he was just such a reassuring person to work with, that if I needed something in a sense of urgency, he’d have my back. we’d help each other. and it’d be seamless. I didn’t need to ask. he’d always check on me. I'd check on him, and the energy just felt so reciprocated. he’d teach me things, we’d talk. and wow, he’s just such a good person. he’s taken, but even with that, it didn’t deter me. he’s just a person I haven’t encountered in a long time- and I think he’s truly rare- someone who’s just so selfless despite having a strong back bone, strong, kind, polite and overwhelmingly helpful and confident. he was such a joy to work with and every shift I was with him I knew we’d make it. we’re not fully friends outside the work environment- which is fine. I view him as the highest level of work support, and it’s this kind of cocmoradery that it think I need to keep me going onward. he's just such a precious soul, and I've never heard anyone speak ill of him. 2 nights ago was his last shift, and although I am also leaving, it's bittersweet acknowledging that this is our last shift working together. truly, such a great guy. and I wish him the best, as well as hoping we stay in touch. 

I think I started finally fully realizing how toxic the culture at work was starting to get as I was leaving and over the past couple months. I think I shoved it off my shoulder most the times, but I think now it’s starting to get me. which is why leaving now, and realizing that, feels so bittersweet. 

I'm overly friendly, and have become quite friendly with the residents. well some of them. and I guess at times, it’s overcedes the air if professionalism we need to maintain at work. and you know what, that’s absolutely true. residents come to Icu on days they’re not on the schedule to hang out, talking pictures at work, laughing loud at night. yeah, it’s a good time working. but retrospective, if I had a loved one at work and I noticed it, I'd be upset that my loved one was being taken care of in that kind environment. it take balance to be friends but also stay profesisonal- and that IMPORTANT. we’re care givers. we’re taking care of people in their most critical time, although not everyone is active dying and are “sick stable”, and there might not be anything to do, we need to keep a professional face for the respect of our patients and the face of our career. I guess with that intro delves with the upcoming and me recognizing I'm at fault. 

during the past few months, rose has been telling me, “behave at night, people are watching you.” and she was vague and I was just like how? who? what did I do? she wasn’t very specific. one night I posted a story on my IG of casidhe doing a split, and someone approached her the next day saying, “be careful of what you post on the internet, there are people watching you.” I asked her who, and she said it was Amy. so from there, I blocked Amy. although we were friends, I didn’t need someone to watch my stories and cause a fuss. I started to talk about it on nights, saying yeah. with rose saying, people are watching you, I figured Amy was one of day-shift Karens that killed wholesome fun, that wasn’t really impeding my credibility as nurse by something so miniscule. then covid hit and one shift where me and Dominique had time to drink water, I posted a silly 30 sec. but of us chugging water as a challenge, since we wear our masked the entire time. and you know at this point, people were MAKING TIKTOKS at work. it’s not like posting on social media * as long as it doesn’t violate hippa- there should be no problem. the next day, Ashlyn posted the same thing. and Dom told me, and I thought they were mocking us. so I posted it again with her captioned “the OGs”. 

--- this back story delves into a confrontation I received at 3AM on a night I was working from Amy. where she goes, “I'm refollowing  just so you know I blocked you because I heard you were talking shit.” and that specifically is accurate- because of what she said to casidhe, and all was saying was along the lines of how she was watching my story. she continued to bring up how she was being petty and I also admitted I was being petty. and she said she didn’t understand why it was like this because she thought we’d have each other backs. she said for example, there were so many things I've done as a nurse that she could’ve verged that she didn’t. that’s what got in my fucking head. because I validate myself the most by being a good nurse. at the end of this 3AM confrontation we agreed to a truce.

nights later at work, her comment on the the verge-abie things got to me head, since I'm embarking on a new job. I questioned if I was a good nurse, if I had what it took and if I was just too overly confident in myself. I started feeling like the unit that I had been a part of for 3 years that was my “home” was being fake to me, and that no one was ever transparent with me. and that’s when I got upset and started speaking to other night nurses. my new anm Natalie, mentioned this was harassment and bullying and that I should talk with my manager about it. truly I felt scared confronting about Amy because she’s such a credible nurse, and I always respected her as a nurse. that no one would take my aside, understand or empathize. my feelings were literally like, I'm leaving let’s leave it at all that. I'm done with the BS. but still, I felt so unloved by my unit if anything, just extremely expendable. to feel like the place I gave so much of heart too gave no shit back at me, sucked. to feel unsupportive. as a whole. sucked. 

I don’t know if it’s just in my head. if I take things to hard. I low key thing about “how would greg handle this?” because he’s just such a strong person as a nurse, and one morning we talked and he mentioned there was a time when he hated nursing and being in a toxic environment got to him- that helped me reframed things. he’s only been here for a year, so even though Spuh is so “close” doesn’t mean I can’t be toxic. I confronted Amy about how her comment made me feel, and she admitted that she was to drunk and regretted making that comment. that felt a little better. but still, I was harassed. I felt sad. I felt upset about work. and truly her comment made me question so much about my job that I had held in such value.

I know I overanalyze things too much, and that’s my down side. but it’s hard to let things to, I think overly caring is what also makes me a good nurse and makes me want to constantly improve, I just need to not take things so personal. and I think that goes hand in hand with feeling to comfortable at Spuh. taking things as professional critiques mistakenly got too personal, thus deeply affecting me. I think being cognizant of that is important. and moving forward take this as a lesson will help me succeed at Mount Sinai.

I will still miss Spuh for what is, and love it for all that it has taught me. especially this. initially it taught me how to be a nurse, and this lesson is teaching me how to have a back bone and stand up for myself. which is a long overdue lesson. even thinking back to when I was bullied when I was younger, I never stood up for myself.i was passive.

I won’t be fucking passive anymore. I need to stand up for myself.