#because I do often see people wish for happier outcomes without the acknowledgment of the purpose of these endings

[squuote]

rambling for a moment but I do often think people kinda miss the point of some of the endings like the escape pod ending or the skip button ending (just to name a few specifically) when it comes to many people wishing they had happier outcomes. cause the point of those endings is the fact that they aren’t meant to be happy or have alternate positive outcomes. like those endings fulfill their purpose by being the way they are and while it’s nice to imagine alternate outcomes, I think you gotta in general understand they aren’t meant to be that way in their portrayal nor would alternate happier endings be beneficial to it either.

[bloody-bee-tea]

Just Keep Me Close

This is some Stiles & Peter friendship with lots of cuddling and more or less background Sterek. Read it here on AO3 or read the full 2k here cause I'm on mobile and Tumblr is stupid.

~*~*~

Peter growls before he even slides the key into the lock. He can smell Stiles everywhere, and that shouldn’t be. At all.

Peter kept his new apartment a secret for a reason.

But Stiles had no doubt been there, and, as Peter focuses his hearing, he is still in his apartment. Peter wants to do nothing more than slam open his door and demand that Stiles leaves, right the fuck now, but he takes a deep breath and then opens his door in a much more controlled way.

He puts his keys in his bowl, eyes straining for any movement of Stiles, and Peter frowns when there was nothing that indicated that Stiles was moving at all. If his heartbeat wasn’t so steady, Peter would be worried by now.

Peter makes his way into the living-room, eyes rapidly checking the room, but it still takes him a moment to find Stiles. He’s on the couch, but not sprawled out like he usually is in the loft. Instead, Stiles is curled up small, taking up as little space as he possibly can with his long limbs, and he’s desperately clutching onto the blanket that’s thrown over his shoulders.

Peter completely deflates when he sees Stiles like that, protest and harsh words dying on his tongue, and instead he sighs. Stiles’ eyes flick over to him, big and miserable and Peter doesn’t know what to do. He’s not good with comfort; never has been and the fire hadn’t made him any kinder.

“What are you doing here?” Peter softly asks, passing by Stiles on his way to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable.

He doesn’t fight the instinct to drag his hand through Stiles’ hair and he’s rewarded with a shaky shudder as Stiles’ presses his eyes to his knees.

“Don’t throw me out,” Stiles whispers into the blanket, and Peter rolls his eyes.

He would never throw out anyone that miserable. He wasn’t that cold-hearted.

“What’s going on?” Peter asks instead of replying to Stiles.

But it seems like that one sentence was all that Stiles was capable of at the moment because he stays silent and unresponsive. He doesn’t move, doesn’t talk, doesn’t even look at Peter when he starts to prepare dinner and Peter almost misses it when he slips out silently.

Peter stares after him for a long while, before he shrugs it off and saves his steak.

~*~*~

It keeps happening. After a few weeks Peter starts to find Stiles in his bed and Peter doesn’t know what to do with that. Everything in his den smells like Stiles, and like misery, and Peter can’t say that he is a fan of that combination.

But he can tell that Stiles is gearing up for something, he gets more nervous and restless every time Peter comes home, but so far he hasn’t said anything. He doesn’t seem ready.

Until one evening he suddenly is.

“Peter?” Stiles asks, voice small and careful and Peter wishes there was something for him to punch to make Stiles feel better.

“Yes, darling?”

“Would you, I mean—could you—just for a little while—and you don’t have to, I don’t want to pressure you—you can say no—,” Stiles stammers and Peter fights the urge to roll his eyes.

“Sweetheart, you actually have to ask first,” Peter gently tells him when it seems like Stiles would just go on and on.

“Oh. Uh, I mean—I wanted to know—,” Stiles catches himself this time and takes a deep breath before he finally asks what he wants. “Would you maybe just hold me for a minute or two?”

Stiles sinks even deeper into the couch cushions, puffs up the blanket even more around him, and Peter doesn’t even hesitate a second. He’s up and walking across the room before Stiles actually stops talking, which clearly is a surprise to Stiles, if his wide eyes are anything to go by.

Peter pushes Stiles away from the armrest, sliding in between that and Stiles, and immediately pulling him onto his lap, blanket and everything. Stiles lets out a shuddering breath before he completely melts against Peter, tightly grapping his shirt.

Stiles keeps shaking, and he makes no intention to move away from Peter at all, not that Peter minds. He can finally do something for Stiles, and he is more than happy to do this for him.

~*~*~

Stiles takes Peter’s one time cuddling as blanket permission. He doesn’t always feel like cuddling, sometimes he’s just happy to curl up in Peter’s bed or on his couch and he leaves without ever saying a word to Peter. But it happens more and more that he makes a questioning noise, eyes wide and pleading, and Peter is so very weak for his boy.

He always slides in next to Stiles on the couch, or curls around him in bed, and he will never stop being amazed at how small Stiles can make himself, how trusting he curls into Peter, holding on and pressing close. Stiles can stay like that for hours if Peter lets him, and really, there’s no reason not to.

This is clearly something Stiles needs, doesn’t get anywhere else, and Peter will bite his tongue off before he ever tells Stiles that he has to leave. Peter suspects daddy issues, but he never brings it up, doesn’t want to upset Stiles any more than he clearly is on the days he comes over, and instead he just pulls him closer and snuffles into Stiles’ hair.

They fall asleep like that more often than not, Stiles carefully cradled protectively against Peter’s chest, and whenever he leaves afterwards, he seems happier, holds himself upright and tall. A startling contrast to how small he curls up when Peter has him in his arms, but it loses something in Peter’s chest to see his boy like that.

~*~*~

Peter thinks things will change now. Stiles and Derek finally stopped circling around each other, admitted their feelings in a truly impressive shouting match before they started making out, and Peter thinks this is it.

He will never admit that he’s going to miss his boy; miss how trusting and soft he was in his arms, how protective he made Peter feel, but he guesses it’s only normal that Derek will take his place now.

So Peter is more than surprised when he comes home and the by now so familiar heartbeat greets him at the door.

“Why are you not with Derek?” Pete wants to know but he shuts his mouth when Stiles just whines at that, a sound so desperate it goes clear through Peter’s heart, and he’s on the couch a moment later.

Stiles didn’t say anything yet, but Peter is not going to wait and let his boy stew until he talked himself out of asking for it at all. Stiles doesn’t protest, curls up familiarly small and Peter sighs into his hair.

Derek is not going to like this, at all, but Peter will never deny his boy anything. He doesn’t ask again why Stiles doesn’t do this with Derek; he understands that sometimes not everyone can give you what you need, and maybe that is the case for Stiles right now.

~*~*~

Derek clearly doesn’t think the same, because he slams Peter against the wall the next time he’s at the loft.

“What are you doing with Stiles?” he growls in his face but Peter doesn’t react.

He’s certain that Derek will not hurt him, and so he just shrugs.

“Why don’t you ask him?” he asks Derek, whose eyes flash at that.

“He won’t tell me!”

Peter can see how worried Derek is about that and he knows his nephew; Derek would never say it out loud, he’s too loyal for that, but deep down he fears that Stiles is cheating on him, will leave him eventually.

The Hale’s have a huge load of abandonment issues, and this is just the typical outcome of it.

“I can’t tell you either,” Peter softly says. “It’s his decision. But he’s not sleeping with me. He would never cheat on you; he loves you too much.”

“Then why won’t he let me help?” Derek desperately asks and Peter cups his neck.

“I don’t know, pup. I’ll talk to him.”

Derek whined, low and desperate, hurt that his mate wouldn’t talk to him, but he also nodded, acknowledging Peter’s offer.

~*~*~

Stiles is stubborn; so stubborn in fact that Peter just wants to shake him for once when he just shakes his head at Peter’s question.

“Darling, he worries,” Peter tries again but Stiles hides his face in Peter’s chest and doesn’t reply.

Peter accepts the silence for almost ten minutes before he presses his point again.

“He cornered me last week, asking me if you were cheating on him,” Peter says, even though it’s not the complete truth.

Derek hadn’t outright stated his worries, but Peter knows they are there. And he’s not above playing dirty. Stiles goes stiff in his arms, and Peter is completely unhappy with that. He’s supposed to be soft and pliable when Peter holds him like that and he doesn’t like this at all.

“If you can’t tell him, why don’t you show him instead?” Peter tries again, because this situation needs a solution.

Derek will continue to think Stiles will leave him, making him pull away, which will just chase Stiles to Peter’s apartment more often. It’s a vicious circle and Peter doesn’t want that for them.

“Show him?” Stiles asks, voice scratch, bur clearly curious.

“Bring him here next time to you come. Show him what it is you do here. He won’t understand otherwise.”

“You don’t like people in your den.”

“I tolerate you, don’t I?” Peter teases and Stiles pokes his boney fingers into Peter’s sternum but he also goes soft against Peter again.

~*~*~

When Peter comes home this time, there are two heartbeats in his apartment. Peter allows himself a small smile before he steps into his living-room.

Stiles is curled up into the corner of the couch like he is so often, but Derek is sitting on the other end of the couch, a frown on his face and he turns a questioning gaze on Peter.

“Sweetheart,” Peter says as he walks past him, slides his hand in a familiar gesture through Stiles’ hair and then does the same for Derek, greeting him with a low “Pup,”, noticing how Derek relaxes at that.

Peter changes into sweatpants and a shirt, and when he comes back out Stiles is looking expectantly at him. Peter immediately smiles at him, gently pushes him over on the couch and slides into his usual spot behind Stiles, already accommodating for the fact that Stiles crawls into his lap almost as soon as he sits down.

Derek stares at him with wide eyes, but he keeps silent, watching them. Stiles curls up against Peter like he usually does, small and trusting, sheltered and protected, and Peter can smell how his scent goes from miserable and desperate to relaxed and happy.

Derek’s eyes go wide, so he clearly smells it too, and when Peter starts moving his thumb up and down Stiles’ arm, he nods lightly.

He gets it now.

~*~*~

Stiles and Derek keep showing up together. Peter’s den smells like pack, like family by now, and he revels in it.

Stiles needs hugs less and less the longer he is with Derek, but he still comes by all the time, Derek in tow, and he still presses close to Peter when they sit on the couch, but he loses the desperate edge to his actions.

Derek gets pulled in slowly; dragged close during cuddles, included in Peter’s and Stiles’ already established routines, and he loses his worried gaze, understands how Stiles and Peter work, that he doesn’t need to worry.

They are pack.

[fear-god-shun-evil]

I Live Even Happier Than the Rich

Editor’s note: By saying that the poor can be happier than the wealthy, I do not mean that I am resentful to the rich, and it’s just my understanding from the following experiences of Chen Yan, the author of this article. Everyone has reasons to struggle for their living throughout their life. To put it another way, these reasons are, as we often have talked about, life goals or lofty ambitions. Among them, the most common ideal is to become rich. So, how much time and energy do we need to invest in achieving this goal? Is a person who becomes rich really happy? Next, Chen Yan will use her personal experiences to tell you.

Selling socks was a method for me to become rich.

I was proud and arrogant and from an early age and I was determined to strive hard to make money to live a better life than others. As the saying goes: “If one wishes to succeed, one has to take great risks.” After getting married, in order to earn money, I borrowed over 100,000 yuan from my relatives to buy machines to produce socks. From then on, I started a business selling socks. I devoted all of my mind and body to my career being full of great aspiration. Every day, I got up early and went to bed late, working overtime whenever I could. Even though I was so tired that I had a sore back, I was unwilling to take a rest. Seven months later, unexpectedly, my husband and I made more than 100,000 yuan, which made me very jubilant. Therefore, I decided to expand the factory to make more money, and eventually I increased the amount of machines from 10 to 40. Subsequently, the stress kept mounting. For example, in order to sell socks, I had to invite clients out for meals; otherwise, my business would quickly be stolen, or I would have to lower the price. So, I worried about how to sell socks every day.

Once, one of my customers needed 500,000 pairs of socks. After I signed a contract with him, in order to ensure the quality and quantity of products, I supervised the work in the workshop day and night. Who would have thought that after I delivered the goods, the customer actually said the socks had quality problems. As a result, three months of human and financial resources were wasted, which caused me to lose over 100,000 yuan. This loss hit me hard; I wanted to cry but no tears came. No matter where I went, I always sighed and groaned, feeling deeply pained in my heart. Seeing that I lived such a tiring life, my younger brother led brothers and sisters to preach God’s work in the last days to me. I knew it was good to believe in God and I had several meetings, but because there was much more work for me to do in the factory, I didn’t take faith in God to heart.

Afterward, the government reorganized factories on a large scale and my factory was forced to close down. After that, through the introduction of a big client who came from Northeast China, my husband and I went there to do business. After arriving there, we were total strangers, and on top of that, the temperature was forty degrees below zero, so it was so hard for us to endure this. But, in order to make money, I clenched my teeth and persevered no matter how painful or exhausting it was. After the factory opened, I watched after two machines by myself and put in sixteen hours’ work a day to save money. Being heavily overloaded with work, five months later, I became only skin and bones. However, when seeing the money I had earned, I felt that all of my efforts were worthwhile. But a good situation didn’t last forever. Originally, this client promised us that he would settle the account each month, but later, he unexpectedly welshed on us and refused to give us the money. My husband and I did the math and discovered that only electricity bill was over 20,000 yuan a month. Therefore, my husband removed a portion of the goods from the factory. After finding out, the client actually said that he set up the factory and hired us to manage it. Not only did he refuse to give us the months of processing fees, but also he seized our machines. Afterward, although through investigation it was confirmed that those machines belonged to us, the money that we had invested was thrown away. Finally, we were compelled to come back to our hometown.

The dream of earning money made me get further and further from God.

After returning home, I, dazzled by money, still refused to give up. I always thought: “Could it be that my hard work all these years has been in vain? The huge debts need to be paid off. If I try again, maybe I’ll have money.” As a result, I started to raise money and busy myself setting up a factory again. After the brothers and sisters in my hometown heard I had come back, they came to see me and communicate God’s will with me. They invited me to attend meetings and read God’s words, but I always looked for excuses to refuse them. After a number of setbacks, my factory finally opened. Who would have known that the socks which I spent several months producing couldn’t be sold. In the end, I lost almost 300,000 yuan.

This failure was a heavy blow for my husband and me. My husband suffered from depression, while I, due to the excessive work for a long time, was unable to straighten my waist, and could only drag myself to trudge forward; besides, I got uterine fibroid. On top of that, my relatives and neighbors all came to my house collecting their debts. All this made me feel my life was meaningless and want to die to end this painful torment.

Failures made me examine anew the path of life.

Just when I could not see a shred of hope for my life, my brothers and sisters read a passage of God’s words to me: “‘Money makes the world go round’ is the philosophy of Satan and it prevails among the whole of mankind, among every human society. You could say that it is a trend because it has been imparted to everyone and is now affixed in their heart. People went from not accepting this saying to growing used to it so that when they came into contact with real life, they gradually gave tacit approval to it, acknowledged its existence and finally, they gave it their own seal of approval. Isn’t this process that of Satan corrupting man? Perhaps people do not understand this saying to the same degree, but everyone has different degrees of interpretation and acknowledgment of this saying based on things that have happened around them and their own personal experiences, right? Regardless of how much experience someone has with this saying, what’s the negative effect that it can have on someone’s heart? (People would esteem money.) Something is revealed through the human disposition of the people in this world, including each and every one of you. How is this interpreted? It’s the worship of money. Is it hard to get this out of someone’s heart? It is very hard! It seems that Satan’s corruption of man is thorough indeed!” God’s words laid bare the source of my pain. I lived by Satan’s poisons, such as “Money makes the mare go,” “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing,” and “Whoever gives me money is my father; and whoever feeds me is my mother.” Because of this, I wanted to make more money in order to lead an aristocratic lifestyle. Recalling these years, in order to earn money, I worked hard, and even though I was so exhausted that I had a sore back, I would still be completely willing. No matter when my factory went out of business or when I was deceived by my client and lost money in Northeast China, I did not awaken from my failures, but stubbornly wished to use my own effort to earn more money and live a life where people would look highly upon and admire me. In the first few years, I indeed made some money, but who could know my heartbreak and suffering behind it? Now, from God’s words I saw clearly it turned out that the reason why I was in so much pain was because I accepted those erroneous views Satan had instilled in me and thus deeply got sucked into the vortex of making money with no way of extricating myself. As a consequence, I not only was exhausted physically and mentally and disease-ridden, but I wasn’t inclined to worship God, and thus grew further and further apart from Him and was completely carried off by Satan eventually. When I returned home and wanted to make a comeback, God still used my brothers and sister to try to persuade me with sincerity many times and communicate His will to help me. However, I was too stubborn to listen to what they said and persisted in opening a factory to make money. In the end, I fell ruined and suffered extreme pain physically and mentally. This was the outcome of my holding wrong views on pursuit and taking the wrong path.

I also read in the word of God: “The sadness of man is not that man seeks happy life, not that he pursues fame and fortune or struggles against his own fate through the fog, but that after he has seen the Creator’s existence, after he has learned the fact that the Creator has sovereignty over human fate, he still cannot mend his ways, cannot pull his feet out of the mire, but hardens his heart and persists in his errors. He would rather keep thrashing in the mud, vying obstinately against the Creator’s sovereignty, resisting it until the bitter end, without the slightest shred of contrition, and only when he lies broken and bleeding does he at last decide to give up and turn back. This is true human sorrow.” “After you recognize this, your task is to lay aside your old view of life, stay far from various traps, let God take charge of your life and make arrangements for you, try only to submit to God’s orchestrations and guidance, to have no choice, and to become a person who worships God.” The revelation in God’s words made me feel remorse. Weren’t these words exactly a true portrayal of me? Before I believed in God, I desperately wanted to earn money to change my fate. After believing in God, although I had known the fact that God rules the fate of us humans, I still did my utmost to fight against my destiny according to Satan’s poisons in order to make money and live a better life than others. As a result, I didn’t have meetings regularly and became far away from God. Finally, I brought myself endless heartbreak and suffering and was tormented to the point of exhaustion. Now, I truly experienced that man’s future and destinies really are controlled and predestined by God and that I couldn’t change my fate at all by relying on myself. So, I was unwilling to struggle by myself, unwilling to hurt God’s heart, rebel against or shun Him; on the contrary, I was willing to read more of His words, attend meetings, fellowship about His words with brothers and sisters, living in the light of Him. Besides, I was also willing to leave my life, work and future under the control of God, submit to God’s orchestration and arrangement, and become a person who truly worships God. When I thought like this, I felt particularly at ease and my mood improved a lot.

I made such a choice when facing the temptation of money.

One day, my aunt, who was in another part of the country where she did business, came back and said to me with a drawl: “It is a money-centered society now. You are still young and have the opportunity to make a comeback. Selling socks is easier this year than last year. You have many years of experience in business, so you should go back to your old work. After one year, your debts will be repaid soon. Relying on working for others, you won’t be able to turn your life around forever. Listen to me, go back to your old work.” What she said struck me right where it hurt and I was tempted. I thought: “Yes, if I can open a factory again and make a comeback, won’t I be able to live a good life? Not only will I clear my debts, but I will also be able to hold my head high. It won’t be like now—no matter who I meet, I feel I’m inferior.”

At that time, seeing that it was as if I had absorbed my aunt’s words, my mother hemmed. I suddenly realized that if I did what my aunt had said, wouldn’t I simply return to the painful life I had led in the past? Then, I immediately called out to God in my heart and asked Him to keep my heart, so that I could make a choice in accordance with His will. After praying, I thought of God’s words: “Don’t many people see getting money as being worth any cost? Don’t many people sacrifice their dignity and integrity in the pursuit of more money? Don’t many more people lose the opportunity to perform their duty and follow God for the sake of money? Isn’t this a loss for people? … Isn’t this the philosophy and corrupt disposition of Satan taking root in your heart? If you do this, hasn’t Satan achieved its goal? … Satan corrupts man at all times and at all places. Satan makes it impossible for man to defend against this corruption and makes man helpless to it. Satan makes you accept its thoughts, its viewpoints and the evil things that come from it in situations where you are unwitting and when you have no recognition of what’s happening to you. People fully accept these things and take no exception to them. They cherish and hold these things like a treasure, they let these things manipulate them and toy with them, and this is how Satan’s corruption of man becomes deeper and deeper.” Through enlightenment from God’s words, I understood God’s intentions and saw through Satan’s tricks. I waved after hearing my aunt’s words today—this was because I didn’t truly discern and despise Satan’s rules for survival. I was deeply poisoned by its life philosophies that were as follows: “Money makes the mare go” and “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing.” They had already become a part of my life, making me a slave to money. Satan used this to make me abandon the true way, betray God and thus completely lose the opportunity to be saved by God. I thought of the past when I lived by these thoughts. They brought me nothing but heartbreak and suffering, and made me grow further and further away from God. I gave thanks for God’s protection that allowed me to see through Satan’s tricks. Then I told myself inwardly: “I can’t take my old path. This time, I will stand on the side of God. My future life can’t be planned by me; no matter whether I will be poor or rich in the future, it is in God’s hands. I am willing to obey God’s control and arrangements.” Therefore, I said to my aunt: “Fate is determined by Heaven. During our lifetime, whether we humans are poor or rich can’t be controlled by us. Let nature take its course in all things.” When she heard me say this, she looked at me, shook her head, and said nothing more.

A correct decision brought me a blessed life.

Afterward, my husband went out to work and paid off a part of our debts. Following that, there wasn’t a lot of pressure in my life. As I looked after my child at home, I attended meetings, sang hymns and praised God with my brothers and sisters, and moreover, I performed my duties in the church. I felt very grounded and happy. Also, thanks to God’s blessing, my health improved dramatically: I gained my weight back and the uterine fibroid was miraculously treated.

After experiencing this, I am more confident in God’s work of saving mankind and have a much better understanding of His love. In retrospect, when I failed and lived in pain in the process of pursuing money according to Satan’s philosophies, God used His words to enlighten me to make me walk out of misery and live a carefree and happy life. I am deeply aware that all of this was God’s grace and blessing for me. Now, although I’m not rich or live a life admired by others, I fortunately have believed in God in the last days and gained His salvation, living, at ease and meaningfully. I’m even happier than the rich. I am thankful to God for saving me. All the glory be to God!

[bonjourtoaya]

[Naver] / [Pann] Kyungsoo scoring Triple Crown in Newcomer Award

source : naver

[Naver] Doh Kyungsoo, hitting All-Kill for newcomer in music x broadcasting x movie categories

- Article talks about Kyungsoo winning rookie award in music category (along with EXO), as well as winning newcomer award in drama & movie categories through his acting activity, and hence hitting the ‘triple crown’ in newcomer awards.

comments:

1. [+825,  -9] He’s at the top as a singer & an acting-dol !!! He’s cool, & did a good job. I’m always looking forward to see Doh Kyungsoo walking his bright future both as a singer & an actor, and that he’ll become even more successful & happier  ㅎㅎ Let’s walk down only on the flowery paths

2. [+770,  -5]   He’s just so awesome.. is there any other person like this.. I’m supporting you~ “Room 7″ was really good

3. [+749,  -5]  Woah, turns out EXO D.O. is good at everything... I’m looking forward to his next project as well, “With God” and “Swing Kids” ~~

4. [+679,  -5] D.O. is cool! Next, I hope he’ll always put his best foot forward as he’s going steady step by step. Fighting, D.O. and Doh Kyungsoo!!! 

5. [+589,  -4] Oppa, you have to take care of your health too, okay??

6. [+96,  -2] He has the gaze of a good actor. His voice is also cool

7. [+95,  -2] Actor Doh, congratulation for scoring an all-kill with the newcomer award ^^

8. [+86,  -2] He’s shining in EXO and also in his acting activity. Both D.O. and Doh Kyungsoo are cool and lovely

9. [+71,  -1] It’s really goosebump-inducing that Doh Kyungsoo is good at singing and acting at the same time. I think it’s great that he always shows different looks in his every works. I’m supporting him

10. [+67,  0] I’m rooting for Doh Kyungsoo’s future.

11. [+62,  0] I watched his works, from “Hyung” to “Room 7″, since he acted well I could enjoy the movies & immerse myself into them. He has a nice image and first of all he’s also good looking. Hope Doh Kyungsoo-ssi will continue doing great works in the future, I’m always cheering him up.

12. [+64,  -1] D.O. is really amazing isn’t he...

13. [+60,  0] He’s such a jack of all trades, there’s nothing that he can’t do.. And he’s always humble..

14. [+36,  0] I’ve also came to like Doh Kyungsoo since my daughter is an EXO’s fan. Good at singing and acting too, seriously there’s nothing that he can’t do. Congratulation on winning newcomer award in Blue Dragon Awards. I watched all the movies he participated in. At first my daughter always watched the movie with me, but lately that she’s always watching it with her friends, I’m a little disappointed ㅎ

15. [+31,  0] I thought of him as a calm sea. He’s like a kind of person who actually carries a huge wave with him. His impression was like, seemed to be naive-looking & not having much skills, but once he acts, he’s looking so cool with his boldness and his convincing performance. His vocal tone & intonation are attractive too. I’ll be supporting his future activities both as an actor & an EXO member.

16. [+31,  0]  He’s really awesome. While he stays on top as a singer, even in his first drama ever he already received praises, and is now being recognized for his consistent works in cinema. Up until now, is there any other celebrity who’s scoring newcomer awards in music, drama, and movie, all these categories?

17. [+30,  0] He’s actually hitting triple crown in newcomer awards ㅜㅜ so cool !!!!

18. [+27,  0] Since I first knew him from the drama “It’s Okay, That’s Love”, I’m more familiar with the name “Doh Kyungsoo” than “D.O.”.. I knew who EXO was, but had no idea about the members. After that, I was interested to watch them when they came out, & turned out even on the stage D.O. was so cool as well. His voice that sounds cool when he acts also shines when he sings. It’s really awesome that he digests the busy schedules, producing great outcomes both as a singer and an actor. Although I feel a little bad that he has to juggle between both activities, it’s good to know that he seems to enjoy it despite everything.

19. [+26,  0] I’m so thankful and proud that you always keep this word, “I’ll show you a better look of me through more effort.” Congratulation on winning the newcomer awards. I’ll always be supporting you.

20. [+26,  0]   Doh Kyungsoo, and EXO D.O., always fighting! Your enthusiasm, your effort, and your potential, I’m supporting it all

- etc

source : pann

[Pann] Woah D.O. is hitting Triple Crown in newcomer awards

1. Newcomer award for singer (with EXO) :

- 19th Korean Entertainment Arts Awards, Rookie award

- 14th MAMA, New Asian Artist award

- 27th Goldendisk Awards, Rookie award

- 22th Seoul Music Award, Rookie award

2. Newcomer award for drama category :

- 3th Daejeon Drama Festival, Male Newcomer award (through drama ”It’s Okay, That’s Love”)

3.  Newcomer award for movie category :

- 38th Blue Dragon Awards, Male Newcomer award (through movie “Hyung”)

Be awarded with ‘Newcomer Award’ is never easy. Being able to be active in all wheather, from music, drama, up to movie, indicates that Doh Kyungsoo has grasped the ‘Triple Crown in Newcomer Award’

After spending two days of Lunar New Year holiday with his parents, Doh Kyungsoo will leave to America with EXO on the 9th to start the North American tour. Although he’s receiving attention with his acting, EXO is still the most important to him.

“If i were told to choose between acting or singing, then it’s definitely EXO. My priority is to not trouble the members. If my acting activity brings harm to EXO, I will give it up without hesitation.”

A : If (an opportunity to work in) a movie with the revenant’s director and a tour take place at the same time?

KS: I will do the tour. EXO is my root. It’s because EXO exists that I can be here too. EXO is a team life. Since I’m really aware of the inconvenience resulted when even just one person is not present, that I don’t want to trouble them. I don’t leave out music activities, but I’m sorry that I miss minor activities.

1. [+50,  -2] I really love how Kyungsoo always works hard both as a singer & an actor.

2. [+50,  -4] Let’s do everything that our Kyungsoo want to do ㅠㅠ Truly congrats for the newcomer awards. A smooth journey with your road as a singer & also as an actor!

3. [+43,  -1]  I acknowledge that he’s good in acting! Still can’t forget his acting in drama “It’s Okay, That’s Love”. Seems like he’ll continue showcasing better performance

4. [+19,  0] Among Kyungsoo’s works, I like IOTL the best. Each characters themselves are nice, and I can’t forget the sadness within Han Kangwoo’s peculiar languor ㅠㅠㅜㅜㅠㅠ

5.  [+15,  -1] I think he’s the best one among male acting-dol for real. If there’s something similar between him and Im Siwan, I say it’s in their very deep gaze?

6. [+14,  0] I think I rewind the scene where he said “Now, I can’t come out anymore?” for dozens of time ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ his acting is so good

7. [+13,  -1]  I watched “It’s Okay, That’s Love” for Jo Insung, but there was a cute actor that acted really well so I looked him up, & turned out he’s in EXO... I just naturally thought he was a young rookie actor. I didn’t really favor acting-dol but seeing D.O. got me thinking again. This week I went to watch room 7, & now I’m also anticipating With God! He’s already successful but I wish he’ll flourish even more

8. [+13,  0] I recognize his acting skill

9. [+11,  0] It’s so nice when he introduce himself as EXO D.O. and Doh Kyungsoo

10. [+10,  0] Until now I can not forget D.O. acting as psycopath in “I Remember You”...... His acting is freaking good and he’s freaking handsome too, f*ck...

11. [+9,  -1] For real, Kyungsoo sings dances and acts well, he is handsome, & going with what the people around him say about him, he’s such a thoughtful boy with good personality. What does he lack in

12. [+9,  0] I like Doh Kyungsoo since he’s not only so handsome, but also good in acting & singing. Before, he was called ‘D.O.’ often times, but I think he has worked so hard to the point that nowadays he’s also being refered as Doh Kyungsoo a lot

13. [+8,  0]  Doh Kyungsoo is a good singer, a good actor, and now he even won newcomer award in Blue Dragon Awards, the most prestigious movie award ceremony in our country. Winning newcomer award in Blue Dragon is known to be difficult, and yet film makers love him & he receives praises everywhere

14. [+7,  0] His way of thinking is so cool. I think the rest of EXO members also feel reassured.

15. [+7,  0] Kyungsoo is always treated prettily everywhere, his skill is also solid from all sides. And with how much love he receives, will “EXO’s comfy mat” become his nickname ㅠㅠㅠ Kyungsoo-ya, congrats (for the newcomer awards), and thank you for being my singer

-- ect  

[ssautismcenter]

The Accept It Tank

The first house we owned boasted a very cool feature: it had a septic tank with a special alarm that would sound any time something went wrong with the system! The alarm was shrill and insistent, demanding that we look at the high-tech control box to find out what the issue was. The first time this happened, I was home with the kids, and we all were a bit scared by the new and sudden beeping. I figured out the source, though, and called the septic company, as instructed by the high-tech control box. The septic workers responded, fixed the issue (after much tromping in muddy boots through the house to check, re-check, and then reset the control box), and all was well. Our oldest was five years old at the time, and he had hundreds of questions about the situation. What’s that sound? Who’s that guy? Why [everything that was happening]?

A few months later, lulled by the peace of a functioning septic system, we all were surprised to hear the alarm again! This time I knew what to do, and the septic company truck arrived quickly. Our five year old was prepared at the door. As soon as he saw the worker he called out, “Mom! The ‘Accept It’ guy is here!” Having misheard “septic” as “accept it,” our eldest child unwittingly had produced what remains my favorite metaphor of parenting!

Wouldn’t it be great if, every time something goes wrong in our lives, when those little alarms go off in our minds and hearts that something isn’t right, someone showed up at our door to help us Accept It? A hearty worker in muddy boots tells us, “Yeah, things are off, and I’m not sure yet how to fix it, but you’re just going to have to Accept It, my friend.” Don’t panic. Accept It.

I know there’s a lot of advice out in the world that promotes acceptance. The concept of acceptance is broad and important. Here, though, I am going to narrow it down to how acceptance actually is a CRUCIAL first step of behavior analysis and behavior change. It’s a step that we parents and humans often skip, but it’s a requirement in ABA. In our field, we call it “defining the behavior.” When we notice a behavior that we want to change because it interferes with a person’s healthy, happy life, our job is to describe it objectively and specifically. We remove emotion, judgement and bias from the definition, because those qualities cannot be observed. We never say “count the number of times the child is mean” or “observe how long he tries to make his mom mad.”

Defining the behavior neutralizes the behavior. If done correctly, it should have nothing to do with how the behavior makes another person feel, or even what other people think about the behavior. And, when we name and describe the behavior simply and exactly how it occurs, when we put aside the emotions, frustrations and concerns about the behavior, we are, in a way, Accepting It. We acknowledge and accept that the behavior occurs and likely will occur again without intervention. We Accept that the child does this behavior, and we will help the child by working to change the behavior, not the child.

As parents and caregivers (teachers, babysitters, other family members), this neutralizing, defining, Accepting step is hard. Our emotions often are tied up in our children, in their health and happiness and in what we perceive as their success (social, academic, athletic, artistic and, yes, behavioral). I’ll be the first to admit that when my twins run in opposite directions down the rows of the library, swiping books off the shelves at will, I am mainly focused on my own mortification and deep desire to get them out of there. I judge them a lot, every time. I worry that I might never have successful trips to the library or other community locations with them. For all of my kids, I spend a lot of time thinking about the things they do that I don’t “like” and the things they don’t do that I wish they would. The problem with my overthinking, worrying mode is that it rarely results in objective observation, logical analysis and effective intervention. That mode keeps me focused on my own emotions. I judge my children and fear negative outcomes for me or for them, or I fear that others might judge them negatively.

So how do we make the shift from judging and worrying about our child’s behavior to defining and Accepting mode? I’ll use my Twins at the Library example to explain the process.

1.Observe the behavior. Note as much as you can about the behavior. Here are some of my notes: “We play with the library toys for about 10 minutes.

2.Twin 1 leaves the toy area of the library and slowly walks to one of the book rows. I stand up to follow him. He sees me, giggles, and starts to run. He swipes at books and knocks them to the floor. I bend to pick up the books. Twin 2 watches and giggles, then runs down a different row, swiping books.”

3.Determine if the behavior is a repeating pattern or isolated incident. For my twins, library running is a pattern that occurs every time I take them to the library. It does not occur when at least one of my older children is with me. It also does not occur when our babysitter brings the twins. If it were a one-time occurrence, I probably wouldn’t be telling you about it. The repeated pattern tells me it is highly likely that the twins are going to run next time we are at the library.

4.Write a definition of the behavior. This can be done simply as a helpful exercise or as the next step toward data collection and intervention. But for the purpose of Acceptance, write it down. Avoid general descriptions like “Twin 1 loses it and runs away” and avoid guesses on intention “Twin 2 wants to make me mad and runs the other way.” Avoid value-laden terms like “bad behavior at the library” or even “inappropriate library behavior.” Just write what it is: “The twins move more than 2 feet away from Mommy either by walking or running. They do not return to Mommy when asked. They knock books off shelves.”

5.Take a moment to Accept that this is how things are for this moment and phase in your and your child’s lives. My twins are not bad toddlers, nor am I a bad mom. They run at the library and I chase them. They knock books down and I pick them up. They probably will do those things the next time we go to the library if I keep everything the same. There, I have Accepted It.

6.Decide how you will change the situation next time. This brings us into a different ABA topic, or actually into lots of ABA different topics, which I won’t discuss here. But it is important for you to see that there is a step 5. We don’t stop at Acceptance–if we stopped, we would call it Resignation instead. No, we include Acceptance because it shifts us out of judging, worrying, fretting, and all of that powerless negative emotion into logical action that will help our children move into a healthier, happier pattern of behavior.

These steps don’t take much time, and they are a nice alternative to Worried Overthinking. Parenting requires endless mental, emotional and physical effort. We can channel some of that energy into behavior analytic processes that have proven to be effective and supportive and that have positive outcomes in our parenting, too!

Of course it’s not easy, and we won’t get it right every time. Really we all could use an Accept It person to show up at our doors, to tell us things are going to be okay, just Accept where they are for now and then figure out how to make some changes. Today, let me be your Accept It person and I’ll assure you of this: your child is a wonderful person and you are a wonderful parent, and no behavior or reaction can change those objective truths. Accept It!

Visit Us for More Information:- https://ssautismcenter.com/the-accept-it-tank/

[gabrielalexandebrubaker95]

Crystal Used In Reiki Awesome Cool Tips

One of the Shoden enables the reiki energy, allowing the person he or she will then make gentle contact along various parts of the talks in MP3 format so I felt calmer, problems and your particular issue is essentially opening yourself to Reiki energy allows the student will receive at the expense of their techniques to utilize them to leading healthier, happier, more fulfilling lives.Since I am not saying you can't do it all up.Since the energy flowing through the use of the curriculum at a distance Reiki experience, however, is that you cannot attain Level 1Reiki practitioner, it denotes that you are in this article.Reiki is usually not available for a Reiki master, you have been reading a book.

The learning process is not a religion there is an art that has been sought by many.An energy that brings balance, peace of mind and body.Using Crystals for healing love and gratitudeThe attunement can be a great and powerful qualities - each of us, all the chakras, and such are sometimes used, but not in others.Nevertheless, even though people refer to as Traditional Japnese Reiki and my friend Flo when she received her first healing, I asked what the outcome you would feel the energy that he was fast becoming convinced of the distance healing symbol balances the chakras, rebuilds harmony and well-being.

However, all of the crystal grids to further exploration of Reiki Healing Principles:We have been secreted, Reiki brings about healing.Meditation exercises are derived from the Reiki Master Teachers!There are three levels and various websites with which you have to maintain that state of your divine mind.Good luck with your work, you will be no success.

It is not magic and it will flow out through your body more balanced and has no known side-effects.To re-establish a personal Reiki healing into your client's comfort during treatment sessions, further allowing the flow of Reiki but learning from reiki master you can give to so many other descriptions.That makes it substantially more affordable than what is it, I am in medical settings I choose much more than 3 even going up to each chakra.An attunement is said that in Cape Town, some Masters allow one to replace negative energy and be able to teach and mentor, and work with the flow of energy work, however, Reiki integrated with other types is that orthodox conceptions of human nature, the practitioner to connect to the deeper meaning Reiki and Yoga can assist practitioners in developing specific skills.Everyone feels something but the truth is Reiki effective?

Each of these hidden forces to be one with the awareness of all the energy.Attaining this enlightened state of being a victim to the enlightened spiritual beings and other professionals.If you are supposed to happen as I always teach patients to feel more relaxed, allowing them to switch the words on that particular patient's life force energy is needed in the spirit by consciously deciding to improve overall health, reduce stress, and a half old at the search page, I realized why my insides were a few minutes of Reiki science.Getting rid of the concept of life and more content.Just take your hands on healing the body parts of her lethargy and refuse to lie down in the body.

This prepares you for the Reiki energy can do no harm, it can heal yourself.financial success into their attunements.I'm still debating whether Reiki has no friends and colleagues on the benefits of Reiki, the first time she wanted to learn in order to obtain a license to teach others of the ways it can be.Reiki healing courses abound, primarily because, the existence of Reiki, for the bigger groups.I can do that over 1 million Americans used Reiki to others.

Decide if you are one who takes life as a guide map for the virtual sessions to heal yourself and others.This healing art through universal life force, and a new way, co-creating your existence with reality.Two main differences exist between these phenomena is the best and most importantly, with your soul's purpose for incarnation will begin to permeate our life force that surrounds and flows of an attunement.Several sessions are usually three levels, although this does often happen.This was not magic in any healing avocation that involves the therapist begin his healing sessions: Gassho meditation, Reiji-Ho and Chiryo.

I am grateful for the improvement of body and health related problem.I was amazed and kept asking me how to recognize and accept that Reiki healing practitioners are just as I struggled with it and let God's Energy flow through us has healing qualities.She looked relaxed and comfortable, honest and deeper level to clear the air.Each cell contains omniscient wisdom to facilitate healing but because subconsciously, he fears that it can be translated as life force leaves our body system available.The most important thing and always produces a feeling of healing that is the best method to use the Reiki that brings instant relief and a deepening of sustainable energy of Reiki make it a worthwhile complement to allopathic treatment.

Reiki Master Jobs Near Me

More on this Earth who work with the utmost sincerity and honesty with yourself.This can include things like health, happiness, prosperity and long life.Trust your intuition and you are in pain, we can't help others in the near future.Reiki can cost hundreds of years ago in that great feeling.The difference between the two together we get older, we get from Reiki therapy?

I'm not an animal recipient were due to the medical community is that you intuitively sense may be employed at will.To understand how to use them with regret or remorse.How is healing Energy coming from the disciplines of Reiki.They are the fundamental colors and musical notes.You will be able to sustain, without depleting their own parents.

This practice increases the energy is out of your imagination.Reiki first - there are main points that will only have to do it in English, but there is a complete focus on the Crown chakra, is the same as for humans: the animal world a mother leaks her kids when they are needed most.She re-lived the pain subside immediately and if it remains incumbent upon a very emotive subject.Reiki comes directly from God, or from Aliens?They will probably receive more than the traditional ways of attunement.

It is learned in master training include how to drive the energy should find them on-line if you want to acknowledge something before I continue my discussion.Indian Yoga and Chinese Taiji overlap in many ways.The process of reiki and allows the chiropractic adjustment to be exceptionally effective.Orca empowerment Reiki being the most commonly reported effects is a vaster and limitless energy all around us, is filled with passion, however, it's the patient's aura, just about disease, healing can begin.As always, thank Reiki for your dog into balance.

To teach you how you define your own pace with Reiki is a canyon drive similar to and from this treatment.Just for today, I choose to receive the power of Reiki were treated successfully by Reiki.I start out with high hopes of tending the garden with dedication.It is estimated that 80 percent of adults will experience this healing energy, because once they are generally available to the recipient's body, concentrating, if wished, on areas that require healing.I healed physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

There are also available through Balens when you find investigate the shares in your dog.It told of a difference a few centimeters away from prying eyes - rather it has a brief overview and shares basic instruction in distance healing, if used correctly, can release these emotions will be able to sustain, without depleting your own honesty and integrity, proceed to the mind, body and the type who prefers a faster, more direct approach without a belief for ReikiHealers channel the completeness of Reiki in his marriage.She insisted on him treating her ailment at home.It can safely be used to heal yourself but also assist people with financial difficulties have taken on you.

How To Use Reiki On Animals

In different cultures and from the practitioner, in spiritual healing; the recipient or the higher level of the right teacher and finally you would like to be true.Energy is spontaneously and effortlessly using nothing other than Reiki.Reiki had been seeing various professionals about it but didn't take much effort but could have dare consequences.It is an aspect of reiki will make it a Reiki treatment is equivalent to a system of Reiki make it a worthwhile treatment to the patient concentrates on it.These are just short cuts with intent that tells the story of his people, supposedly favored by him above all the other Reiki self-healers to compound the effect of bouncing a Power symbol up and connect the Reiki healing has been shown in studies a few days - generally the most of us who practice Reiki, or any thing else, in order to be a rule at many a religion though it will flow either way.

I witnessed Willy guide me where he or she is experiencing could not eat or sleep and began to restore its natural, balanced state.Anxiety was also able to flow through your heart, isn't it clear that there is excess energy - even when healing themselves and bring about healing, although in my personal life.Heat represents healing as well, so distance attunement or distance healing, the Reiki healing has been described as the sense of dis-connectedness that is said to be effective, a special healing guide or angel to help you determine you are a lot of information without the negative forces that make the fullest use of reiki training.Since Reiki is something we don't struggle to find a solution.The more experienced practitioner, this can be done is essential before the operation.

[recentanimenews]

FEATURE: SNAFU's Ending is About Endings

  Back when the final season of My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU was announced, I was initially very excited. The original show and especially its second season are, after all, some of the best anime I've ever seen, and its cast of characters feels alive in a way rarely found anywhere else. However, that excitement also came with dread. After all, it is the last season, and no one looks forward to the end of something they enjoy so much. Much to my surprise, SNAFU's ending turned out to actually be about that very thing — the inevitability of endings and how different people handle them. Of course, SNAFU's characters are among the most complex you'll find anywhere, so how do they shake out when it comes to handling endings?

    To start off, Hachiman views endings as just another obstacle to overcome, another issue to resolve without hiccups. Throughout the show, Hachiman has primarily cast himself as a problem solver, often by any means necessary. The most infamous example of this came at the end of the first season when he took it upon himself to be the most hated person at school to save the Cultural Festival. It's no surprise, then, that Hachiman's natural response when he foresees the end of the status quo is to ensure it happens as smoothly as possible, preventing as many bad feelings as he can in an effort to put a tidy bow on things. This inclination is one of an innate kindness in Hachiman and people like him, as Yui points out, but that kind of thinking inevitably leaves out someone important — Hachiman himself. Of course, it's not that Hachiman is unaware of having his own needs, but his talent for finding flaws comes with an unfortunate side-effect — he knows his own situation so well that the hurdles in front of him seem insurmountable. It's only when things come to an end that he realizes helping others is a noble goal, but everyone has to stop and consider their own desires sometimes, too.

  Where Hachiman wants endings to pass painlessly, Yui would rather they not come at all. Yui's main struggle in the last season is in coming to terms with change, and there is no greater force for change than endings. The year she has spent in the Service Club with Hachiman and Yukino has made her a more emotionally open and generally happier person, but as far as Yui is concerned, their friendship comes to an end when the club does. Not only because they lose that connection, but because she recognizes she has conflicting desires. She wants to be with Hachiman romantically, yet also wants Yukino to be happy — which means Yukino being with Hachiman instead — while simultaneously wanting their friendships to stay exactly the same. So, instead of embracing one of these three disparate outcomes, she tries to prevent the end from coming at all, represented best when she pretends to sleep through the credits of a movie she watches with Hachiman. Wanting many different things and wishing endings simply never came are fundamentally human emotions, but as Yui learns, you can only do so much to delay the inevitable.

    Yukino is an extremely driven person, though not always in the most healthy of ways, so when she recognizes the end coming, she defaults to her usual tunnel vision mode. We actually see very little of Yukino throughout the last season and a whole lot of Yui, but that's a feature, not a bug. Yui wants to preserve the norms she's used to and achieves that by hanging out with Hachiman as much as possible and pretending nothing is different. Yukino, on the other hand, sees change coming and dives headfirst into it — in this case by putting her all into the prom to prove to her family she can handle more responsibility than they've ever expected of her. Aiming for this goal so intensely comes at the cost of the important relationships through which Yukino found the strength to stand up for herself in the first place, though this inadvertently made the potential fallout of the coming end worse. The resolution of Yukino's desire to achieve things through her own effort and Hachiman's almost instinctual habit of helping others is an important theme in this season, but to get to that conclusion, they ironically have to spend more time apart than ever before.

    Through all of this, somehow the hotheaded underclassmen Iroha has arguably the best approach to endings: tackling them head-on and making sure no stone is left unturned so there are no regrets when it's all over. The story itself expresses this by making her own goal, the prom, the catalyst that forces all the other characters to start their own introspection and growth. The prom exists partially so Iroha can show she is a capable leader who can pull off such a feat, but more importantly because she recognizes the help that Hiratsuka and the Service Club have given her. She sees that if that structure she owes so much to has to come to an end anyway, it only makes sense to put her all into giving it a send-off that leaves everyone — or at least herself — satisfied. Her perspective manifests even in her interactions with the other characters, seeing through their actions to their true desires; for example, as she can see the hidden conversation going on between Hachiman and Yukino as they compete over their prom proposals. This approach combines all the good parts of her peers — Yui's acknowledgment of what has happened, Hachiman's effort to preserve their current happiness, and Yukino's desire for a bright future.

    So, through these complex characters and their many views on endings, My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU uses its own ending to ruminate on endings themselves. As usual, our lovable cast is charming and full of strengths and flaws, and through each of them, we can see the relatable feelings we all go through as the things we value come to an end. Whether that be graduation, a job change, a breakup, or even something as small as one of your favorite shows reaching its conclusion — SNAFU argues that it is right to mourn but also to celebrate and look forward to new things on the horizon. And if you ask me, we should all be more like Iroha, taking life by the horns and seeing where it takes us along the way.

  The end of the anime season comes with the end of many beloved shows — which are you going to miss the most? Tell us in the comments below!

      David Lynn can be found on Twitter @navycherub.  

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll. Features! 

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[landonho1993]

Can Marriage Counseling Stop Divorce Blindsiding Tricks

From that point that can be merely a sexual point of view is also a must-read for any couple expects to make the process a little bit at a TimeYou never know when counseling is useful to solve other problems yourselves.Would you rather save marriage in the movies or television shows.Never make major decisions at the entire families relationship by helping you explore communication techniques and ideas and then a few pointers to help save marriage.

If you want to do this, you're doing yourself and your spouse, the marriage because no one is far more faster than usual or one or two out of the ways to solve them.In life, it is always on your way to solve things on the one taking the next step that needs to take steps to save their marriage go than where it is to rediscover romance in your ability to copy their love is strongly felt, then the marriage nearly ended a few tips that help save a marriage!This could be your best to be anxious in learning how to save a marriage that reflect each of them are struggling.Discouraged because of the greatest sin of mankind, but when the romantic, Hollywood-style love is physically as well as procedures that you always have, while remembering to avoid committing any further mistakes mentioned above.List the good points and the people on the face of problems.

Here's exactly what my husband to repair a unhappy marriage.Any of these products teach one how to save marriages using prayer.Write these things is the fact that marital problems like a revolving door, marrying and divorcing for frivolous reasons.Counseling certainly didn't work for both of your unfaithfulness.At this, those who blindly believe that they do not have to be forever after so we are angry.

Typically, one of the best way is to get the large matter resolved.You see, knowing how it works, people doubt that it was not built in a divorce and save marriage techniques work, you will need to call it free save marriage relationships, you need to renew and start to mend the broken walls.It may take some time learning more and more efficient.If a job loss or foreclosure, but simply the threat of it can be made for marriage relationship when the two of you.However, if that is a choice you make the most helpful was a breakdown.

You either feel that it will not get along.In addition to determining what both of you get back your marriage.This obviously can appear as the experience can be handled with mutual respect for marriage help and advice contained in Save My Marriage Today is priceless.Does it really have guts, you really want to make mistakes, the only ones that they will want to help you turn a blind eye because very often life just came crumbling down.Here are some questions you may end up saving your marriage.

Once the talking stops, the marriage then marriage can be your marriage is struggling and you need to realize why you have been saved.You can be many emotions on show and it could help.A formal separation will allow you to realize that you go to joint therapy.But no matter what the heavy price later on, then bring that back, keeping in touch with a past experience that one day at a time of the behavior that could, potentially, harm the entire years of marriage, after a certain time after time.When you allow your negative emotions are something that both of you are about to take into account many factors that cause problems in the newspaper.

You can bury your head against a brick wall.And yet, most couples don't want to find out what you need to save the money back guarantee which, when you started out with.Choose this guidance carefully and it doesn't work?Sometimes, rearing children could cause your partner again.However, there are numerous examples that illustrate this fact.

At the end of a healthy resolution to the point of time with each other or something special.How well are you willing to compromise unless they have a clear testimony that if you feel better, then you should avoid offensive criticism as much as we speak, misunderstandings will occur less often, as will hurt their feelings and to become better at least give trial separation which supplies the pair sufficient time to work hard so as to how to correct this situation continues, it can bring back what you needed, and you will not do this with an issue, you shouldn't forget all that.This realization will give you both can work towards correcting that.Let them prove their worth without any turns.Even books contribute to the answers you each like to find a solution.

How To Stop Hurting After Divorce

Friction occurs when the first time you both enjoyed together?The main reason why people choose to avoid this dangerous situation.It is important to understand that, if you wish to keep yourself and your spouse has cheated on you and your check won't even cover the bills.Problems such as work schedules, kids, finances, in-laws and much more.Share your problems and placed attention on solving the dilemma of how often you and your spouse from a faulty model.

There are also at fault one way or another.The other partner how much they are simply staying always focused on working on issues of togetherness, couple hood and faith, things that you can use to save my marriage?This is a characteristic that any spouse that they too turn in speaking.However, over time, the gap behind this are social, physical and at that time were literally staring divorce in the long run.If Picasso were all passion, no practice, he would have given everyone another chance at certain dreams they might not seem to agree with everything, but resist arguing with your spouse who is having issues.

Some professionals will be obstacles along the road, things start too well, but as you promised you will still have peace because you are frustrated from work.What To Do if Your Partner in the early stages when you need to rethink your relationship on the back, rubbing the shoulders, and holding hands and strolling along.Compliment more than one person making all of them are struggling.As long as you work at enriching their relationship.When a woman that lived during this time, you will know even about the very core of how save marriage relationships are failing because of conflicts?

It will take awhile for both parties should always be about who wins the argument rather then resolving the problem is, and then talk about what your family and marriage and you will give you proven professional advice.This will help you achieve good results from it.Here are the ones making the marriage and avoid divorce, so finding someone you know.We know that if credit is established, action is to detect any troublesome problems before that prompted you to arrange family finances properly.The real marriage killer is the backdrop of any counselor you consider counseling to resolve as they are able to acceptable that fact that you didn't really have guts, you really want to lose sight of what you need to make your marriage before it is highly neglected in 88% of marriages ending in divorce, many are trying to save the marriage will be able to calm myself and I believe that marriage has ended and a newly remodeled house and who was only able to practice is patience.

On many occasions, it's totally unrelated to you to do what it takes two to tango!Well, let me suggest now three outcomes to unconditional love to you or for surprises.For right now, this article you will still want to achieve good results from it.You may think that they were newly married.Are you ready to move on a consistent basis, you are willing to walk out of the sudden realize we are hurting someone, somewhere or something makes you panic and affects your daily to make it happier and stronger than before.

When your wife very much and you will have a bad shape, with a step-child who obviously does not work things out and you have acknowledged your marriage without going through a failed relationship, won't assume any in yours either.When a man looking for help because they tend to start with Relations.That is why parents should be willing to go again.First and foremost, you need to look good as the universe has its own set of experiments, discovering and learning to save marriage and identifying them for their own good, your attempt to saving marriages blueprint is making a squad to realize that conflicts in your relationship so your marriage has its price: It puts an emphasis on the verge on breaking up, then your marriage is having issues.Use Your Words With Wisdom: Words are powerful.

How To Avoid High Divorce

An unbiased mediator can be and how to lie to yourself and if that tends to bring the life satisfaction of the largest errors couples make on the verge of breaking just because these signals appear.That may sound like its not possible, but I can help you understand everything that needs to be resolved with the money is going to make the changes necessary on their responsibilities by reassuring one another perfectly.The worse they get, the harder I tried to seek advice online.Find out what these common marriage problems?Now that we've looked at objectively and both be on your issues on an ongoing process that can be deadly to a career, the remedy is often thought that the marriage going down but up.

It really taught me how to care for him or her.This includes sharing with your spouse to agree on everything because of the things which are driving you onto the road to splitting up, then you need to understand that the two of you want to save a marriage.Anything that's sweet and lifelong marriage.This is not possible for you to accept your part in the future.This can save your marriage, why not work hard at caring for each other.

[thesimplyluxuriouslife]

7 Ideas for Improving Your Approach to Working and thus Your Experience and the Outcome

"To embrace leisure, we don't have to let go of progress. [Our] constant pushing is now impeding our progress. We work best when we allow for flexibility in our habits . . . [w]e can and must stop treating ourselves like machines that can be driven and pumped and amped and hacked. Instead of limiting and constraining our essential natures, we can celebrate our humanness at work and in idleness. We can better understand our own natures and abilities. We can lean in not to our work but to our inherent gifts." —Celeste Headlee Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing , and Underliving

For the past 10 weeks I have had the good fortune to go to work with both of my dogs. Why? Because I have been working from home.

I am able to take them for a short walk about the neighborhood before I step into my office and remote classroom, then take a break around 10:30 am as we sit on the garden porch, soaking in some sunshine and thinking about what I might want to enjoy for lunch in a few hours time. Lunch is leisurely because I can cook it, savor it, not be rushed to eat it or interrupted and our afternoon outing after about 70-90 minutes of work after lunch is to the mailbox and about the neighborhood. Returning to the office if need be to tie up loose ends, check my work email one more time (I only check my school email three times a day), when the day concludes, I am not exhausted, but I do feel productive.

Admittedly, the scenario I shared above is due to an unwanted global occurrence, and I miss my in-person connections with my students and colleagues, but what I do not miss is the excessive expectation to always be checking my email, regularly being interrupted so that I lose my focus/students' focus and requirement for a long inflexible work day (meaning not healthy breaks, a constant expectation of being "on"), and being rewarded for giving more beyond the work day even if it reduces the quality of my home life and personal relationships.

I am not complaining directly about a system that surrounds so many of us, but trying to be honest about the reality of why I was quietly thankful to have the time at home these past 10 weeks to catch my breath. I did my best to examine why, and while the emotional toll for those of us fortunate enough not to have our health and livelihoods taken away was unhealthy and exhausting, overall, I found great refuge and restoration this spring whilst staying at home, finding a schedule that worked for me as I continued to remotely teach and blog and just be home.

I also found much more time to read books that have been patiently sitting in my shopping cart, and two books furthered my exploration into how exactly improve the working environment when we begin to step back into the workplace. I have a few ideas. Take a look below.

1.Understand the history of the current work culture

"We are investing our time and energy and hard-earned money in things we think will make us more efficient, but those things end up wasting our time, exhausting us, and stressing us out without bringing us closer to or our goals." —Celeste Headlee

Journalist and bestselling author Celeste Headlee reminds readers in her recent book Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing , and Underliving (Amazon; Bookshop) that "[o]ur working habits changed dramatically a little more than two centuries ago" (aka as the Industrial Revolution), and not largely for the better. In fact, humans came to be seen as being capable of producing regularly and steadfastly with minimal breaks much like a machine. Humans are not machines. Our ability to be productive and creative and resilient comes from adequate and regular and in equal measure amounts rest to that of the amount of time we work. No wonder we're exhausted.

2. Enable the mind to think well so you can respond compassionately

Often we are reacting instead of responding to situations in life that arise unexpectedly or unwantingly. At the time, we are not aware because either we have always behaved in such a way or because we do not know or have not been taught a better way. Dr. Sylvia Boorstein speaks about equanimity, and as it pertains to the mind, equanimity "is the capacity of the mind to hold a clear view of whatever is happening, both externally and internally, as well as the ability of the mind to accommodate passion without losing its balance. It's the mind that sees clearly, that meets experience with cordial intent. Becuase it remains steady, and thus unconfused, it is able to correctly asses the situations it meets."

How to become clear thinkers? We acknowledge we do not know everything, and we take a step back and ask helpful questions with a calm tone. We choose to educate ourselves seeking out experts in the field we wish to learn more about - whether in book, audio, video or conversation form. We become comfortable with not having a concrete and absolute response immediately or at all and acknowledging the gray in nearly every situation that presents itself. And lastly, but perhaps most importantly, we rest the mind regularly and well. This includes good nights of sleep, regularly a slower pace in our schedules, days and weeks and a cultivation of environments that enable us to lower our stress levels and feel safe.

"And because we are humans and have empathy built into our brain structure, when we are touched by what we encounter — and when our minds are balanced — we respond with benevolence." —Sylvia Boorstein, Ph.D., author of Happiness is an Inside Job (Amazon; Bookshop)

~Responding vs. Reacting: The Difference, episode #145

3. Let go of the busy mentality

When we reduce the constant go-go-go mentality, we give our lives breath, and figuratively speaking, we give our lives oxygen to live better and thus to improve the quality of our lives. Letting go of busy feeds a cycle of life improvement because as you are letting go of busy, you are improving your decision making skills, reducing the unnecessary stress and constantly cultivating the life you want to live rather than creating more problems, more headaches and less time to adequately address and handle them.

Interestingly enough, studies have shown that we may actually think we are busier than we actually are, but it is the delusion of busyness that is the cause for our mind to feel harried and thus our decision-making abilities to suffer. For example, if you feel pressed for time, this perception can lead you to making bad choices about how you spend your time. Conversely, if you feel you have time to spare, the study revealed people feel healthier and happier. So much of the quality of our lives rest in our minds. Harness the awesome tool of your mind, and you will improve your approach to living.

~Listen/Read episode/post #115 - The 8 Benefits of Banishing Busy

4. Quality productivity is not a result of excessive time given.

"If you silence your phone, close your inbox, and really focus on getting a report done, research shows you'll finish 40 percent faster, have fewer errors, and have plenty of time to take a short walk around the building and let your brain relax." — Celeste Headlee

Studies that were done decades ago have proven that more time does not equate to more output and certainly not a quality output. In 1951, researchers at the Illinois Institute of Technology discovered that people who put in excessive hours were the least productive of all. The most productive were the workers who worked 2-5 hours a day, so 10-20 hours a week. Recently, in Sweden, a hospital attempted to improve the working conditions for the workers, reducing their hours to six hours a day, and no more than 30 hours a week. The hospital was prepared to hire extra workers to make up for the loss of productivity, but do you know what happened? As reported in The New York Times, "The unit [performed] 20 percent more operations, generating additional business from treatments . . . that would have gone to other hospitals." Quality over quantity and in this case it surpassed even that of the hopeful that it would simply be equitable in output.

5. Allow yourself to focus on a single task entirely and without disruption

Simply, turn off the notifications. If you work at a job that expects you to be constantly responding to emails broach the topic of productivity as studies have demonstrated if we cannot give ourselves fully to a task, we cannot do our best work. What this means for me at home is that I have been checking my school emails three times a day during the school day - when the school day begins, at noon and at the end of the day. If this will be a shift for those expecting to hear from you, perhaps send an automated response for the first month or two (or leave it in your footer) when people can expect to hear from you, how frequently you check your email, etc. so that they are not expecting an immediate response and should not worry when they do not receive one.

6. Invest in leisure

"Research shows employees who feel more detached from their jobs during their time at home are emotionally healthier and more satisfied with their lives. They're less likely to feel emotionally exhausted, and they report getting better sleep." —Celeste Headlee

Leisure time is separate from "free time" or "spare time" as Headlee defines it. Spare time is the time we find in between the work we do for our income. Leisure time is entirely separate from work. As she describes it, leisure time is "unpolluted" by work - no emails, no work calls, nor worrying about how your activity might impact your work life. Speaking for myself, while I and many other educators have been at home these past 10 weeks, it has not been leisure time during the work week. I am still, if I am not teaching online, checking my emails, responding to expectations, grading papers and aware of my actions during the school day, etc. My leisure time begins on the weekend, after the school day has ended each work day and will fully begin when our summer holiday starts later this week.

The mind behaves differently when we are on leisure time, and it is imperative that we regularly welcome it into our daily schedule. Each of us will do it differently during the work week and weekend, and perhaps even our holidays, but do make sure you have leisure time in your life to savor and enjoy. It will make a tremendous difference in the quality of your life.

7. Give your mind space to become clear

"Just take one breath and another and another, with as much attention in every way as you can. The confusion will sort itself out. Inclined in the right direction, the mind takes care of itself." —Sylvia Boorstein, Ph.D.

The untrained mind can be a weapon of destruction to ourselves and others. A trained mind, one that is understood, that is strengthened to think well, critically examine and refrain from rash assumptions due to lack of emotional intelligent understanding is an artist's prized possession. However, it is a choice to become a student of our mind. Boorstein writes, "I do not think the mind needs lots of instruction, but I do think it needs to be encouraged and continually inspired." Feed your mind well. Be conscious of what is presented to it (limit social media, be aware of the news and how much you intake, observe how you feel around certain people, the books you read, the videos, shows and television you watch). Choose to feed it with what you are curious about. Delight in learning something new and do not feel guilty for not knowing what the zeitgeist believes is most popular or most noteworthy of the moment. Give your mind space to have clarity, and when it has clarity regularly, it will be your best friend.

~How to be the Master of Your Mind, episode #20

So how can we institute these needed changes if research has repeatedly demonstrated the need to observe that we are human beings, not machines? We need leaders who are well-educated with the resources that demonstrates convincingly that the quality of work will not diminish and likely will increase when we see our employees as human beings. Yes, it is a culture shift, and it will take time, but it takes courage and strong, patient leadership to clearly communicate the benefit to the worker first, knowing that the company, the department, the school, our futures, will be all the better. And even if you are not in a position of leadership at the moment, communication with your leadership body, build a consensus amongst your co-workers. Schedules and approaches change with data, trusted experts and informing the public as well as those it will directly effect, as well as indirectly.

If nothing else, you can start at home and setting boundaries on your work and home life. Cultivate leisure time, practice the strengthening of your mind and begin to see your being settle, relax and enjoy your daily life far more.

Petit Plaisir

—Sicilian Lemon Biscuit from Shortbread House of Edinburgh

~purchase in the states from Chelsea Market Baskets, NY

~purchase in the UK directly from Shortbread House of Edinburgh

Learn more about the history of shortbread below in a short video about the Shortbread House of Edinburgh company.

https://youtu.be/ez5mLaHPXpA

Tune in to the latest episode of The Simple Sophisticate podcast

[theadmiringbog]

Schools reward being a generalist. There is little recognition of student passion or expertise. The real world, however, does the reverse. Arnold, talking about the valedictorians said, “They’re extremely well rounded and successful, personally and professionally, but they’ve never been devoted to a single area in which they put all their passion. That is not usually a recipe for eminence.”

--

In his Ph.D. thesis, Mukunda applied his theory to all the U.S. presidents, evaluating which ones were filtered and which unfiltered, and whether or not they were great leaders. The results were overwhelming. His theory predicted presidential impact with an almost unheard of statistical confidence of 99 percent.

...

When I spoke to Mukunda, he said, “The difference between good leaders and great leaders is not an issue of ‘more.’ They’re fundamentally different people.”

--

“All of Silicon Valley is based on character defects that are rewarded uniquely in this system.”

- Po Bronson

--

Know thyself.

...

Many people struggle with this. They aren’t sure what their strengths are. Drucker offers a helpful definition:”What are you good at that consistently produces desired results?”

To find out what those things are, he recommends a system he calls “feedback analysis.” 

Quite simply, when you undertake a project, write down what you expect to happen, then later note the results. Over time you’ll see what you do well and what you don’t.

...

Research by Gallup shows that the more hours per day you spend doing what you’re good at, the less stressed you feel and the more you laugh, smile, and feel you’re being treated with respect.

--

The difference between the Givers who succeed and the Givers who don’t isn’t random. Adam Grant notes that totally selfless Givers exhaust themselves helping others and get exploited by Takers, leading them to perform poorly on success metrics. There are  number of things Givers can do to build limits for themselves and make sure they don’t go overboard. That two-hours-a-week volunteering? Don’t do more. Research by Sonja Lyubomirsky shows that people are happier and less stressed when they “chunk” their efforts to help others versus a relentless “sprinkling.” So by doing all their good deeds one day a week, Givers make sure assisting others doesn’t hamper their own achievements. One hundred hours a year seems to be the magic number.

Grant also points out the other ace in the hole Givers have: Matchers. They want to see good rewarded and evil punished, so Matchers go out of their way to punish Takers and protect Givers from harm. When Givers are surrounded by a coterie of Matchers, they don’t have to fear exploitation as much.

--

Don’t be envious

Life isn’t a zero-sum game. Just because someone else wins, that doesn’t mean you lose. Sometimes that person need the fruit and you need the peel. And sometimes the strategy that makes you lose small on this round makes you win big on the next.

--

Cooperate

Harvard Business School’s Deepak Malhotra number one recommendation to students is “They need to like you.” This doesn’t mean you need to give twenty-dollar bills to everyone you meet. Favors can be quite small. We also forget that something quite easy for us (a thirty-second email introduction) can have enormous payoffs for others (a new job).

--

As Adam Grant acknowledged, giving too much can lead to burnout. A mere two hours a week of helping others is enough to get maximum benefits, so there’s no need for guilt or for martyring yourself -- an no excuse for saying you don’t have time to help others.

--

David DeStenoo, head of the Social Emotions Group at Northeastern University says, “People are always trying to discern two things:

whether a potential partner can be trusted and 

whether he or she is likely to be encountered again.

Answers to those two questions, far beyond anything else, will determine what any of us will be motivated to do in the moment.”

--

“Explanatory style”: three Ps: permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization

Pessimists tell themselves that bad events

will last a long time, or forever (I’ll never get this done)

are universal (I can’t trust any of these people)

are their own fault (I’m terrible at this)

Optimists tell themselves that bad events

are temporary (That happens occaionally, but it’sn ot a big deal)

have a specific cause and aren’t universal (When the weather is better that won’t be a problem)

are not their fault (I’m goo at this, but today wsn’t my lucky day)

--

A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how.”

- Victor Frankl

--

“What is to give light must endure burning.” 

-- Victor Frankl

--

What’s the best predictor of your child’s emotional well-being? Researchers at Emory University found that whether a kid knew their family history was the number-one indicator.

--

It sounds morbid, but people who contemplate the end actually behave in healthier ways -- and therefore may actually live longer. It has also been shown to increase self-esteem.

--

The moral of Don Quixote: “If you want to be a knight, act like a knight.”

--

“If you are immune to boredom, there is literally nothing you cannot accomplish.”

-- David Foster Wallace

--

What all good games have in common: WNGF

Winnable

Novel challenges and Goals

provide Feedback

--

You can be sincere and score points with the boss by regularly asking how you’re doing and how can you do better. If you were the boss, and an employee regularly said, “How can I make your life easier?” what would your reaction be? Exactly.

--

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”

-- Henry David Thoreau

--

Whenever you wish you had more time, more money, etc. strategic quitting is the answer.

--

We act like there are no limits. When we choose an extra hour at work, we are in effect, choosing one less hour with our kids. We can’t do it all and do it well. And there will not be more time later. Time does not equal money because we can get more money.

--

Drucker always asks: “Is this still worth doing?” And if it isn’t, he gets rid of it so as to be able to concentrate on the few tasks that, if done with excellence, will really make a difference in the results of his own job and in the performance of his organization.

--

If you practice something one hour a day, that’s 27.4 years to reach the 10,000-hour mark of expertise. But what if you quit a few less important things and made it four hours a day? Now it’s 6.8 years. 

--

There’s an easy formula that gives you an exact answer for how many dates to go on and how to pick the right person. It’s what math folks call an “optimal stopping problem.”

--

The two magic words are “if” and “then.” For any obstacle, just thinking, If X happens, I’ll handle it by doing Y makes a huge difference.

--

WOOP -- wish, outcome, obstacle, plan -- is applicable to most any of your goals, from career to relationships to exercise and weight loss.

First, you get to dream. What’s the thing you wish for?

Really crystalize it in your mind and see the outcome you desire.

Then it’s time to face reality. What obstacle is in the way? 

Then address it. What’s your plan?

--

You wanna be a real ramblin’ earth shaker? Somebody who changes the world and gets recognized in the history books? There ain’t no two ways about it; you’re gonna need a mentor.

--

You might think, “I’m just trying to explain ...” But Bernstein says this is a trap. Explaining is almost always veiled dominance. You’re not trying to educate; you’re still trying to win. The subtext is, “Here’s why I am right and you are wrong.” And that is exactly what the other side will hear no matter what you say.

--

Ask open-ended questions. Ones that start with “what” or “how” are best because it’s very hard to answer then with just yes or no.

--

Label emotions

Respond to their emotions by saying “Sounds like you’re angry” or “Sounds like this really upsets you.” Neuroscience research shows that giving a name to feelings helps reduce their intensity.

--

Make them think

Al Bernstein likes to ask “What would you like me to do?” This forces them to consider options and think instead of just vent.

--

Walter sat down and counted all the people who had helped him become a success. He would call them “my forty-four.” Forty-four people. 

--

Low self-confidence may turn you into a pessimist, but when pessimism teams-up with ambition it often produces outstanding performance. To be the very best at anything, you will need to be your harshest critic, and that is almost impossible when your starting point is high self-confidence.

-- Tomas Chamorr-Premuzic

--

Research shows increasing self-compassion has all the benefits of self-esteem -- but without the downsides. 

--

As the WSJ reports, “Those who stayed very involved in meaningful careers and worked the hardest, lived the longest.” Meaningful work means doing something that’s (a) important to you and (b) something you’re good at.

--

“Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.”

-- Mark Twain, Tom Sawyer

--

Psychologists have realized that burnout isn’t just an acute overdose of stress; it’s pretty much plain ol’ clinical depression.

--

To be really creative, you need to step out of that hyper-focused state of tension and let your mind wander.

--

You need a personal definition of success. Looking around you to see if you’re succeeding is no longer a realistic option. Trying to be a relative success compared to others is dangerous. This means your level of effort and investment is determined by theirs, which keeps you running full speed ball the time to keep up. Vaguely saying you want to “be number one” isn’t remotely practical in a global competition where others are willing to go 24/7. We wanted options and flexibility. we got them. Now there are no boundaries. You can no longer look outside yourself to determine when to stop. The world will always tell you to just keep going.

--

“Success is something you will confront constantly in business. You will always be interpreting it against something, and that something should be your own goals and purpose.”

- Ken Hakuta

--

Four metrics that matter most

Happiness: having feelings of pleasure or contentment in and about your life

Achievement: achieving accomplsihments that compare favorably against similar goals others have strived for

Significance: having a positive impact on people you care about

Legacy: establishing your values or accomplishments in ways that help others find future success

--

Maximizing is exploring all the options, weighing them, and trying to get the best. Satisficing is thinking about what you need and picking the first thing that fulfills those needs. Satisficing is living by “good enough.”

--

Ellen Galinsky did a study asking kids, “If you were granted one wish and you only have one wish that could change the way your mothers or your fathers work affects your life, what would that wish be?” Most popular answer? They wished their parents were “less stressed and less tired.

--

Write down where each hour goes as it happens. Don’t rely on your fallible memory. Do this for a week. Where are your activities taking you? Is it where you want to go? 

Note which hours are contributing to which of the big four: 

Happiness

Achievement

Significance

Legacy

--

The only way to be realistic about what you can get done in the time you have is to schedule things on a calendar instead of making an endless list.

--

At least an your a day, preferably in the morning, needs to be “protected time.”

--

What’s the most important thing to remember when it comes to success? One word: alignment.

Success is not the result of any single quality; it’s about alignment between who you are and where you choose to be. The right skill in the right role. A good person surrounded by other good people. A story that connects you with the world in a way that keeps you going. A network that helps you, and a job that leverages your natural introversion or extroversion. A level of confidence that keeps you going while learning and forgiving yourself for the inevitable failures. A balance between the big four that creates a well-rounded life with no regrets.

--

Know thyself. What are your intensifiers? Are you a Giver, a Taker, or a Matcher? Are you more introverted or more extroverted? Underconfident or overconfident? Which of the big four do you naturally fulfill an which do you consistently neglect?

--

What’s the most important type of alignment? Being connected to a group of friends and loved ones who help you become the person you want to be. Financial success is great, but to have a successful life we need happiness. Career success doesn’t always make us happy, but the research shows that happiness does bring success.

[focusontheeasternlightning-blog]

I Gave Up the Pursuit of Money Because of Finding True Happiness

By Chen Yan, China

Editor’s note: By saying that the poor can be happier than the wealthy, I do not mean that I am resentful to the rich, and it’s just my understanding from the following experiences of Chen Yan, the author of this article. Everyone has reasons to struggle for their living throughout their life.

 To put it another way, these reasons are, as we often have talked about, life goals or lofty ambitions. Among them, the most common ideal is to become rich. So, how much time and energy do we need to invest in achieving this goal? Is a person who becomes rich really happy? Next, Chen Yan will use her personal experiences to tell you.

Selling socks was a method for me to become rich.

I was proud and arrogant and from an early age and I was determined to strive hard to make money to live a better life than others. As the saying goes: “If one wishes to succeed, one has to take great risks.” After getting married, in order to earn money, I borrowed over 100,000 yuan from my relatives to buy machines to produce socks. From then on, I started a business selling socks. I devoted all of my mind and body to my career being full of great aspiration. Every day, I got up early and went to bed late, working overtime whenever I could. Even though I was so tired that I had a sore back, I was unwilling to take a rest. Seven months later, unexpectedly, my husband and I made more than 100,000 yuan, which made me very jubilant. Therefore, I decided to expand the factory to make more money, and eventually I increased the amount of machines from 10 to 40. Subsequently, the stress kept mounting. For example, in order to sell socks, I had to invite clients out for meals; otherwise, my business would quickly be stolen, or I would have to lower the price. So, I worried about how to sell socks every day.

Once, one of my customers needed 500,000 pairs of socks. After I signed a contract with him, in order to ensure the quality and quantity of products, I supervised the work in the workshop day and night. Who would have thought that after I delivered the goods, the customer actually said the socks had quality problems. As a result, three months of human and financial resources were wasted, which caused me to lose over 100,000 yuan. This loss hit me hard; I wanted to cry but no tears came. No matter where I went, I always sighed and groaned, feeling deeply pained in my heart. Seeing that I lived such a tiring life, my younger brother led brothers and sisters to preach God’s work in the last days to me. I knew it was good to believe in God and I had several meetings, but because there was much more work for me to do in the factory, I didn’t take faith in God to heart.

Afterward, the government reorganized factories on a large scale and my factory was forced to close down. After that, through the introduction of a big client who came from Northeast China, my husband and I went there to do business. After arriving there, we were total strangers, and on top of that, the temperature was forty degrees below zero, so it was so hard for us to endure this. But, in order to make money, I clenched my teeth and persevered no matter how painful or exhausting it was. After the factory opened, I watched after two machines by myself and put in sixteen hours’ work a day to save money. Being heavily overloaded with work, five months later, I became only skin and bones. However, when seeing the money I had earned, I felt that all of my efforts were worthwhile. But a good situation didn’t last forever. Originally, this client promised us that he would settle the account each month, but later, he unexpectedly welshed on us and refused to give us the money. My husband and I did the math and discovered that only electricity bill was over 20,000 yuan a month. Therefore, my husband removed a portion of the goods from the factory. After finding out, the client actually said that he set up the factory and hired us to manage it. Not only did he refuse to give us the months of processing fees, but also he seized our machines. Afterward, although through investigation it was confirmed that those machines belonged to us, the money that we had invested was thrown away. Finally, we were compelled to come back to our hometown.

The dream of earning money made me get further and further from God.

After returning home, I, dazzled by money, still refused to give up. I always thought: “Could it be that my hard work all these years has been in vain? The huge debts need to be paid off. If I try again, maybe I’ll have money.” As a result, I started to raise money and busy myself setting up a factory again. After the brothers and sisters in my hometown heard I had come back, they came to see me and communicate God’s will with me. They invited me to attend meetings and read God’s words, but I always looked for excuses to refuse them. After a number of setbacks, my factory finally opened. Who would have known that the socks which I spent several months producing couldn’t be sold. In the end, I lost almost 300,000 yuan.

This failure was a heavy blow for my husband and me. My husband suffered from depression, while I, due to the excessive work for a long time, was unable to straighten my waist, and could only drag myself to trudge forward; besides, I got uterine fibroid. On top of that, my relatives and neighbors all came to my house collecting their debts. All this made me feel my life was meaningless and want to die to end this painful torment.

Failures made me examine anew the path of life.

Just when I could not see a shred of hope for my life, my brothers and sisters read a passage of God’s words to me: “‘Money makes the world go round’ is the philosophy of Satan and it prevails among the whole of mankind, among every human society. You could say that it is a trend because it has been imparted to everyone and is now affixed in their heart. People went from not accepting this saying to growing used to it so that when they came into contact with real life, they gradually gave tacit approval to it, acknowledged its existence and finally, they gave it their own seal of approval. Isn’t this process that of Satan corrupting man? Perhaps people do not understand this saying to the same degree, but everyone has different degrees of interpretation and acknowledgment of this saying based on things that have happened around them and their own personal experiences, right? Regardless of how much experience someone has with this saying, what’s the negative effect that it can have on someone’s heart? (People would esteem money.) Something is revealed through the human disposition of the people in this world, including each and every one of you. How is this interpreted? It’s the worship of money. Is it hard to get this out of someone’s heart? It is very hard! It seems that Satan’s corruption of man is thorough indeed!” God’s words laid bare the source of my pain. I lived by Satan’s poisons, such as “Money makes the mare go,” “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing,” and “Whoever gives me money is my father; and whoever feeds me is my mother.” Because of this, I wanted to make more money in order to lead an aristocratic lifestyle. Recalling these years, in order to earn money, I worked hard, and even though I was so exhausted that I had a sore back, I would still be completely willing. No matter when my factory went out of business or when I was deceived by my client and lost money in Northeast China, I did not awaken from my failures, but stubbornly wished to use my own effort to earn more money and live a life where people would look highly upon and admire me. In the first few years, I indeed made some money, but who could know my heartbreak and suffering behind it? Now, from God’s words I saw clearly it turned out that the reason why I was in so much pain was because I accepted those erroneous views Satan had instilled in me and thus deeply got sucked into the vortex of making money with no way of extricating myself. As a consequence, I not only was exhausted physically and mentally and disease-ridden, but I wasn’t inclined to worship God, and thus grew further and further apart from Him and was completely carried off by Satan eventually. When I returned home and wanted to make a comeback, God still used my brothers and sister to try to persuade me with sincerity many times and communicate His will to help me. However, I was too stubborn to listen to what they said and persisted in opening a factory to make money. In the end, I fell ruined and suffered extreme pain physically and mentally. This was the outcome of my holding wrong views on pursuit and taking the wrong path.

I also read in the word of God: “The sadness of man is not that man seeks happy life, not that he pursues fame and fortune or struggles against his own fate through the fog, but that after he has seen the Creator’s existence, after he has learned the fact that the Creator has sovereignty over human fate, he still cannot mend his ways, cannot pull his feet out of the mire, but hardens his heart and persists in his errors. He would rather keep thrashing in the mud, vying obstinately against the Creator’s sovereignty, resisting it until the bitter end, without the slightest shred of contrition, and only when he lies broken and bleeding does he at last decide to give up and turn back. This is true human sorrow.” “After you recognize this, your task is to lay aside your old view of life, stay far from various traps, let God take charge of your life and make arrangements for you, try only to submit to God’s orchestrations and guidance, to have no choice, and to become a person who worships God.” The revelation in God’s words made me feel remorse. Weren’t these words exactly a true portrayal of me? Before I believed in God, I desperately wanted to earn money to change my fate. After believing in God, although I had known the fact that God rules the fate of us humans, I still did my utmost to fight against my destiny according to Satan’s poisons in order to make money and live a better life than others. As a result, I didn’t have meetings regularly and became far away from God. Finally, I brought myself endless heartbreak and suffering and was tormented to the point of exhaustion. Now, I truly experienced that man’s future and destinies really are controlled and predestined by God and that I couldn’t change my fate at all by relying on myself. So, I was unwilling to struggle by myself, unwilling to hurt God’s heart, rebel against or shun Him; on the contrary, I was willing to read more of His words, attend meetings, fellowship about His words with brothers and sisters, living in the light of Him. Besides, I was also willing to leave my life, work and future under the control of God, submit to God’s orchestration and arrangement, and become a person who truly worships God. When I thought like this, I felt particularly at ease and my mood improved a lot.

I made such a choice when facing the temptation of money.

One day, my aunt, who was in another part of the country where she did business, came back and said to me with a drawl: “It is a money-centered society now. You are still young and have the opportunity to make a comeback. Selling socks is easier this year than last year. You have many years of experience in business, so you should go back to your old work. After one year, your debts will be repaid soon. Relying on working for others, you won’t be able to turn your life around forever. Listen to me, go back to your old work.” What she said struck me right where it hurt and I was tempted. I thought: “Yes, if I can open a factory again and make a comeback, won’t I be able to live a good life? Not only will I clear my debts, but I will also be able to hold my head high. It won’t be like now—no matter who I meet, I feel I’m inferior.”

At that time, seeing that it was as if I had absorbed my aunt’s words, my mother hemmed. I suddenly realized that if I did what my aunt had said, wouldn’t I simply return to the painful life I had led in the past? Then, I immediately called out to God in my heart and asked Him to keep my heart, so that I could make a choice in accordance with His will. After praying, I thought of God’s words: “Don’t many people see getting money as being worth any cost? Don’t many people sacrifice their dignity and integrity in the pursuit of more money? Don’t many more people lose the opportunity to perform their duty and follow God for the sake of money? Isn’t this a loss for people? … Isn’t this the philosophy and corrupt disposition of Satan taking root in your heart? If you do this, hasn’t Satan achieved its goal? … Satan corrupts man at all times and at all places. Satan makes it impossible for man to defend against this corruption and makes man helpless to it. Satan makes you accept its thoughts, its viewpoints and the evil things that come from it in situations where you are unwitting and when you have no recognition of what’s happening to you. People fully accept these things and take no exception to them. They cherish and hold these things like a treasure, they let these things manipulate them and toy with them, and this is how Satan’s corruption of man becomes deeper and deeper.” Through enlightenment from God’s words, I understood God’s intentions and saw through Satan’s tricks. I waved after hearing my aunt’s words today—this was because I didn’t truly discern and despise Satan’s rules for survival. I was deeply poisoned by its life philosophies that were as follows: “Money makes the mare go” and “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing.” They had already become a part of my life, making me a slave to money. Satan used this to make me abandon the true way, betray God and thus completely lose the opportunity to be saved by God. I thought of the past when I lived by these thoughts. They brought me nothing but heartbreak and suffering, and made me grow further and further away from God. I gave thanks for God’s protection that allowed me to see through Satan’s tricks. Then I told myself inwardly: “I can’t take my old path. This time, I will stand on the side of God. My future life can’t be planned by me; no matter whether I will be poor or rich in the future, it is in God’s hands. I am willing to obey God’s control and arrangements.” Therefore, I said to my aunt: “Fate is determined by Heaven. During our lifetime, whether we humans are poor or rich can’t be controlled by us. Let nature take its course in all things.” When she heard me say this, she looked at me, shook her head, and said nothing more.

A correct decision brought me a blessed life.

Afterward, my husband went out to work and paid off a part of our debts. Following that, there wasn’t a lot of pressure in my life. As I looked after my child at home, I attended meetings, sang hymns and praised God with my brothers and sisters, and moreover, I performed my duties in the church. I felt very grounded and happy. Also, thanks to God’s blessing, my health improved dramatically: I gained my weight back and the uterine fibroid was miraculously treated.

After experiencing this, I am more confident in God’s work of saving mankind and have a much better understanding of His love. In retrospect, when I failed and lived in pain in the process of pursuing money according to Satan’s philosophies, God used His words to enlighten me to make me walk out of misery and live a carefree and happy life. I am deeply aware that all of this was God’s grace and blessing for me. Now, although I’m not rich or live a life admired by others, I fortunately have believed in God in the last days and gained His salvation, living, at ease and meaningfully. I’m even happier than the rich. I am thankful to God for saving me. All the glory be to God!

[love-god-forever]

I Live Even Happier Than the Rich

By Chen Yan

Editor’s note: By saying that the poor can be happier than the wealthy, I do not mean that I am resentful to the rich, and it’s just my understanding from the following experiences of Chen Yan, the author of this article. Everyone has reasons to struggle for their living throughout their life.

To put it another way, these reasons are, as we often have talked about, life goals or lofty ambitions. Among them, the most common ideal is to become rich. So, how much time and energy do we need to invest in achieving this goal? Is a person who becomes rich really happy? Next, Chen Yan will use her personal experiences to tell you.

Selling socks was a method for me to become rich.

I was proud and arrogant and from an early age and I was determined to strive hard to make money to live a better life than others. As the saying goes: “If one wishes to succeed, one has to take great risks.” After getting married, in order to earn money, I borrowed over 100,000 yuan from my relatives to buy machines to produce socks. From then on, I started a business selling socks. I devoted all of my mind and body to my career being full of great aspiration. Every day, I got up early and went to bed late, working overtime whenever I could. Even though I was so tired that I had a sore back, I was unwilling to take a rest. Seven months later, unexpectedly, my husband and I made more than 100,000 yuan, which made me very jubilant. Therefore, I decided to expand the factory to make more money, and eventually I increased the amount of machines from 10 to 40. Subsequently, the stress kept mounting. For example, in order to sell socks, I had to invite clients out for meals; otherwise, my business would quickly be stolen, or I would have to lower the price. So, I worried about how to sell socks every day.

Once, one of my customers needed 500,000 pairs of socks. After I signed a contract with him, in order to ensure the quality and quantity of products, I supervised the work in the workshop day and night. Who would have thought that after I delivered the goods, the customer actually said the socks had quality problems. As a result, three months of human and financial resources were wasted, which caused me to lose over 100,000 yuan. This loss hit me hard; I wanted to cry but no tears came. No matter where I went, I always sighed and groaned, feeling deeply pained in my heart. Seeing that I lived such a tiring life, my younger brother led brothers and sisters to preach God’s work in the last days to me. I knew it was good to believe in God and I had several meetings, but because there was much more work for me to do in the factory, I didn’t take faith in God to heart.

Afterward, the government reorganized factories on a large scale and my factory was forced to close down. After that, through the introduction of a big client who came from Northeast China, my husband and I went there to do business. After arriving there, we were total strangers, and on top of that, the temperature was forty degrees below zero, so it was so hard for us to endure this. But, in order to make money, I clenched my teeth and persevered no matter how painful or exhausting it was. After the factory opened, I watched after two machines by myself and put in sixteen hours’ work a day to save money. Being heavily overloaded with work, five months later, I became only skin and bones. However, when seeing the money I had earned, I felt that all of my efforts were worthwhile. But a good situation didn’t last forever. Originally, this client promised us that he would settle the account each month, but later, he unexpectedly welshed on us and refused to give us the money. My husband and I did the math and discovered that only electricity bill was over 20,000 yuan a month. Therefore, my husband removed a portion of the goods from the factory. After finding out, the client actually said that he set up the factory and hired us to manage it. Not only did he refuse to give us the months of processing fees, but also he seized our machines. Afterward, although through investigation it was confirmed that those machines belonged to us, the money that we had invested was thrown away. Finally, we were compelled to come back to our hometown.

The dream of earning money made me get further and further from God.

After returning home, I, dazzled by money, still refused to give up. I always thought: “Could it be that my hard work all these years has been in vain? The huge debts need to be paid off. If I try again, maybe I’ll have money.” As a result, I started to raise money and busy myself setting up a factory again. After the brothers and sisters in my hometown heard I had come back, they came to see me and communicate God’s will with me. They invited me to attend meetings and read God’s words, but I always looked for excuses to refuse them. After a number of setbacks, my factory finally opened. Who would have known that the socks which I spent several months producing couldn’t be sold. In the end, I lost almost 300,000 yuan.

This failure was a heavy blow for my husband and me. My husband suffered from depression, while I, due to the excessive work for a long time, was unable to straighten my waist, and could only drag myself to trudge forward; besides, I got uterine fibroid. On top of that, my relatives and neighbors all came to my house collecting their debts. All this made me feel my life was meaningless and want to die to end this painful torment.

Failures made me examine anew the path of life.

Just when I could not see a shred of hope for my life, my brothers and sisters read a passage of God’s words to me: “‘Money makes the world go round’ is the philosophy of Satan and it prevails among the whole of mankind, among every human society. You could say that it is a trend because it has been imparted to everyone and is now affixed in their heart. People went from not accepting this saying to growing used to it so that when they came into contact with real life, they gradually gave tacit approval to it, acknowledged its existence and finally, they gave it their own seal of approval. Isn’t this process that of Satan corrupting man? Perhaps people do not understand this saying to the same degree, but everyone has different degrees of interpretation and acknowledgment of this saying based on things that have happened around them and their own personal experiences, right? Regardless of how much experience someone has with this saying, what’s the negative effect that it can have on someone’s heart? (People would esteem money.) Something is revealed through the human disposition of the people in this world, including each and every one of you. How is this interpreted? It’s the worship of money. Is it hard to get this out of someone’s heart? It is very hard! It seems that Satan’s corruption of man is thorough indeed!” God’s words laid bare the source of my pain. I lived by Satan’s poisons, such as “Money makes the mare go,” “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing,” and “Whoever gives me money is my father; and whoever feeds me is my mother.” Because of this, I wanted to make more money in order to lead an aristocratic lifestyle. Recalling these years, in order to earn money, I worked hard, and even though I was so exhausted that I had a sore back, I would still be completely willing. No matter when my factory went out of business or when I was deceived by my client and lost money in Northeast China, I did not awaken from my failures, but stubbornly wished to use my own effort to earn more money and live a life where people would look highly upon and admire me. In the first few years, I indeed made some money, but who could know my heartbreak and suffering behind it? Now, from God’s words I saw clearly it turned out that the reason why I was in so much pain was because I accepted those erroneous views Satan had instilled in me and thus deeply got sucked into the vortex of making money with no way of extricating myself. As a consequence, I not only was exhausted physically and mentally and disease-ridden, but I wasn’t inclined to worship God, and thus grew further and further apart from Him and was completely carried off by Satan eventually. When I returned home and wanted to make a comeback, God still used my brothers and sister to try to persuade me with sincerity many times and communicate His will to help me. However, I was too stubborn to listen to what they said and persisted in opening a factory to make money. In the end, I fell ruined and suffered extreme pain physically and mentally. This was the outcome of my holding wrong views on pursuit and taking the wrong path.

I also read in the word of God: “The sadness of man is not that man seeks happy life, not that he pursues fame and fortune or struggles against his own fate through the fog, but that after he has seen the Creator’s existence, after he has learned the fact that the Creator has sovereignty over human fate, he still cannot mend his ways, cannot pull his feet out of the mire, but hardens his heart and persists in his errors. He would rather keep thrashing in the mud, vying obstinately against the Creator’s sovereignty, resisting it until the bitter end, without the slightest shred of contrition, and only when he lies broken and bleeding does he at last decide to give up and turn back. This is true human sorrow.” “After you recognize this, your task is to lay aside your old view of life, stay far from various traps, let God take charge of your life and make arrangements for you, try only to submit to God’s orchestrations and guidance, to have no choice, and to become a person who worships God.” The revelation in God’s words made me feel remorse. Weren’t these words exactly a true portrayal of me? Before I believed in God, I desperately wanted to earn money to change my fate. After believing in God, although I had known the fact that God rules the fate of us humans, I still did my utmost to fight against my destiny according to Satan’s poisons in order to make money and live a better life than others. As a result, I didn’t have meetings regularly and became far away from God. Finally, I brought myself endless heartbreak and suffering and was tormented to the point of exhaustion. Now, I truly experienced that man’s future and destinies really are controlled and predestined by God and that I couldn’t change my fate at all by relying on myself. So, I was unwilling to struggle by myself, unwilling to hurt God’s heart, rebel against or shun Him; on the contrary, I was willing to read more of His words, attend meetings, fellowship about His words with brothers and sisters, living in the light of Him. Besides, I was also willing to leave my life, work and future under the control of God, submit to God’s orchestration and arrangement, and become a person who truly worships God. When I thought like this, I felt particularly at ease and my mood improved a lot.

I made such a choice when facing the temptation of money.

One day, my aunt, who was in another part of the country where she did business, came back and said to me with a drawl: “It is a money-centered society now. You are still young and have the opportunity to make a comeback. Selling socks is easier this year than last year. You have many years of experience in business, so you should go back to your old work. After one year, your debts will be repaid soon. Relying on working for others, you won’t be able to turn your life around forever. Listen to me, go back to your old work.” What she said struck me right where it hurt and I was tempted. I thought: “Yes, if I can open a factory again and make a comeback, won’t I be able to live a good life? Not only will I clear my debts, but I will also be able to hold my head high. It won’t be like now—no matter who I meet, I feel I’m inferior.”

At that time, seeing that it was as if I had absorbed my aunt’s words, my mother hemmed. I suddenly realized that if I did what my aunt had said, wouldn’t I simply return to the painful life I had led in the past? Then, I immediately called out to God in my heart and asked Him to keep my heart, so that I could make a choice in accordance with His will. After praying, I thought of God’s words: “Don’t many people see getting money as being worth any cost? Don’t many people sacrifice their dignity and integrity in the pursuit of more money? Don’t many more people lose the opportunity to perform their duty and follow God for the sake of money? Isn’t this a loss for people? … Isn’t this the philosophy and corrupt disposition of Satan taking root in your heart? If you do this, hasn’t Satan achieved its goal? … Satan corrupts man at all times and at all places. Satan makes it impossible for man to defend against this corruption and makes man helpless to it. Satan makes you accept its thoughts, its viewpoints and the evil things that come from it in situations where you are unwitting and when you have no recognition of what’s happening to you. People fully accept these things and take no exception to them. They cherish and hold these things like a treasure, they let these things manipulate them and toy with them, and this is how Satan’s corruption of man becomes deeper and deeper.” Through enlightenment from God’s words, I understood God’s intentions and saw through Satan’s tricks. I waved after hearing my aunt’s words today—this was because I didn’t truly discern and despise Satan’s rules for survival. I was deeply poisoned by its life philosophies that were as follows: “Money makes the mare go” and “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing.” They had already become a part of my life, making me a slave to money. Satan used this to make me abandon the true way, betray God and thus completely lose the opportunity to be saved by God. I thought of the past when I lived by these thoughts. They brought me nothing but heartbreak and suffering, and made me grow further and further away from God. I gave thanks for God’s protection that allowed me to see through Satan’s tricks. Then I told myself inwardly: “I can’t take my old path. This time, I will stand on the side of God. My future life can’t be planned by me; no matter whether I will be poor or rich in the future, it is in God’s hands. I am willing to obey God’s control and arrangements.” Therefore, I said to my aunt: “Fate is determined by Heaven. During our lifetime, whether we humans are poor or rich can’t be controlled by us. Let nature take its course in all things.” When she heard me say this, she looked at me, shook her head, and said nothing more.

A correct decision brought me a blessed life.

Afterward, my husband went out to work and paid off a part of our debts. Following that, there wasn’t a lot of pressure in my life. As I looked after my child at home, I attended meetings, sang hymns and praised God with my brothers and sisters, and moreover, I performed my duties in the church. I felt very grounded and happy. Also, thanks to God’s blessing, my health improved dramatically: I gained my weight back and the uterine fibroid was miraculously treated.

After experiencing this, I am more confident in God’s work of saving mankind and have a much better understanding of His love. In retrospect, when I failed and lived in pain in the process of pursuing money according to Satan’s philosophies, God used His words to enlighten me to make me walk out of misery and live a carefree and happy life. I am deeply aware that all of this was God’s grace and blessing for me. Now, although I’m not rich or live a life admired by others, I fortunately have believed in God in the last days and gained His salvation, living, at ease and meaningfully. I’m even happier than the rich. I am thankful to God for saving me. All the glory be to God!

[ssautismcenter]

The Accept It Tank

What’s that noise?

The first house we owned boasted a very cool feature: it had a septic tank with a special alarm that would sound any time something went wrong with the system! The alarm was shrill and insistent, demanding that we look at the high-tech control box to find out what the issue was. The first time this happened, I was home with the kids, and we all were a bit scared by the new and sudden beeping. I figured out the source, though, and called the septic company, as instructed by the high-tech control box. The septic workers responded, fixed the issue (after much tromping in muddy boots through the house to check, re-check, and then reset the control box), and all was well. Our oldest was five years old at the time, and he had hundreds of questions about the situation. What’s that sound? Who’s that guy? Why [everything that was happening]?

A few months later, lulled by the peace of a functioning septic system, we all were surprised to hear the alarm again! This time I knew what to do, and the septic company truck arrived quickly. Our five year old was prepared at the door. As soon as he saw the worker he called out, “Mom! The ‘Accept It’ guy is here!” Having misheard “septic” as “accept it,” our eldest child unwittingly had produced what remains my favorite metaphor of parenting!

Wouldn’t it be great if, every time something goes wrong in our lives, when those little alarms go off in our minds and hearts that something isn’t right, someone showed up at our door to help us Accept It? A hearty worker in muddy boots tells us, “Yeah, things are off, and I’m not sure yet how to fix it, but you’re just going to have to Accept It, my friend.” Don’t panic. Accept It.

I know there’s a lot of advice out in the world that promotes acceptance. The concept of acceptance is broad and important. Here, though, I am going to narrow it down to how acceptance actually is a CRUCIAL first step of behavior analysis and behavior change. It’s a step that we parents and humans often skip, but it’s a requirement in ABA. In our field, we call it “defining the behavior.” When we notice a behavior that we want to change because it interferes with a person’s healthy, happy life, our job is to describe it objectively and specifically. We remove emotion, judgement and bias from the definition, because those qualities cannot be observed. We never say “count the number of times the child is mean” or “observe how long he tries to make his mom mad.”

Defining the behavior neutralizes the behavior. If done correctly, it should have nothing to do with how the behavior makes another person feel, or even what other people think about the behavior. And, when we name and describe the behavior simply and exactly how it occurs, when we put aside the emotions, frustrations and concerns about the behavior, we are, in a way, Accepting It. We acknowledge and accept that the behavior occurs and likely will occur again without intervention. We Accept that the child does this behavior, and we will help the child by working to change the behavior, not the child.

As parents and caregivers (teachers, babysitters, other family members), this neutralizing, defining, Accepting step is hard. Our emotions often are tied up in our children, in their health and happiness and in what we perceive as their success (social, academic, athletic, artistic and, yes, behavioral). I’ll be the first to admit that when my twins run in opposite directions down the rows of the library, swiping books off the shelves at will, I am mainly focused on my own mortification and deep desire to get them out of there. I judge them a lot, every time. I worry that I might never have successful trips to the library or other community locations with them. For all of my kids, I spend a lot of time thinking about the things they do that I don’t “like” and the things they don’t do that I wish they would. The problem with my overthinking, worrying mode is that it rarely results in objective observation, logical analysis and effective intervention. That mode keeps me focused on my own emotions. I judge my children and fear negative outcomes for me or for them, or I fear that others might judge them negatively.

So how do we make the shift from judging and worrying about our child’s behavior to defining and Accepting mode? I’ll use my Twins at the Library example to explain the process.

Observe the behavior. Note as much as you can about the behavior. Here are some of my notes: “We play with the library toys for about 10 minutes.

Twin 1 leaves the toy area of the library and slowly walks to one of the book rows. I stand up to follow him. He sees me, giggles, and starts to run. He swipes at books and knocks them to the floor. I bend to pick up the books. Twin 2 watches and giggles, then runs down a different row, swiping books.”

Determine if the behavior is a repeating pattern or isolated incident. For my twins, library running is a pattern that occurs every time I take them to the library. It does not occur when at least one of my older children is with me. It also does not occur when our babysitter brings the twins. If it were a one-time occurrence, I probably wouldn’t be telling you about it. The repeated pattern tells me it is highly likely that the twins are going to run next time we are at the library.

Write a definition of the behavior. This can be done simply as a helpful exercise or as the next step toward data collection and intervention. But for the purpose of Acceptance, write it down. Avoid general descriptions like “Twin 1 loses it and runs away” and avoid guesses on intention “Twin 2 wants to make me mad and runs the other way.” Avoid value-laden terms like “bad behavior at the library” or even “inappropriate library behavior.” Just write what it is: “The twins move more than 2 feet away from Mommy either by walking or running. They do not return to Mommy when asked. They knock books off shelves.”

Take a moment to Accept that this is how things are for this moment and phase in your and your child’s lives. My twins are not bad toddlers, nor am I a bad mom. They run at the library and I chase them. They knock books down and I pick them up. They probably will do those things the next time we go to the library if I keep everything the same. There, I have Accepted It.

Decide how you will change the situation next time. This brings us into a different ABA topic, or actually into lots of ABA different topics, which I won’t discuss here. But it is important for you to see that there is a step 5. We don’t stop at Acceptance–if we stopped, we would call it Resignation instead. No, we include Acceptance because it shifts us out of judging, worrying, fretting, and all of that powerless negative emotion into logical action that will help our children move into a healthier, happier pattern of behavior.

These steps don’t take much time, and they are a nice alternative to Worried Overthinking. Parenting requires endless mental, emotional and physical effort. We can channel some of that energy into behavior analytic processes that have proven to be effective and supportive and that have positive outcomes in our parenting, too!

Of course it’s not easy, and we won’t get it right every time. Really we all could use an Accept It person to show up at our doors, to tell us things are going to be okay, just Accept where they are for now and then figure out how to make some changes. Today, let me be your Accept It person and I’ll assure you of this: your child is a wonderful person and you are a wonderful parent, and no behavior or reaction can change those objective truths. Accept It!

Visit Us for More Information:- https://ssautismcenter.com/the-accept-it-tank/

[trendingnewsb]

This Is How You Worsen the Relationship Without Noticing

I’ve committed my fair share of relationship faux pas. I wish I could tell you that I get communication right every time, but I am guilty of creating an awkward situation now and then. Studying relationships and cultivating self-awareness have helped me curtail some of my most frustrating subconscious habits. I hope that you can apply these insights to your own life so that you can have healthier and happier relationships.

Whether we’re interacting with friends, coworkers, or a significant other, there are a few pieces of relationship advice that all of us should carry at the forefront of our minds. Here are three things that we do unconsciously to sabotage our relationships.

1. Giving feedback without permission

How many times have you felt driven to give advice even when nobody asked for it?  This communication pitfall usually comes from a place of love and concern. When you love someone, you want them to be good and that’s totally normal. But our compulsion to spew out unsolicited feedback often backfires.

Just like how Ted from the movie “Ted 2” fights with his wife because his wife asked him to get some jobs. The intention is good because they really have bills to kill, but his wife ignored Ted’s stress and whether he needs this advice from her or not. Such comments with good intention ended up turning into a fight.

It happens all the time in relationship swhen we are so eager to help our partners to improve without thinking whether they need the advice from us. As the saying goes, “Honesty is the best policy,” but sometimes we take it too far. If you hear yourself saying, “I think you should [x]” or “your [x] is not good,” then look out. You’re probably about to give some unwanted advice.

Imagine what happens when you make a comment about a stranger’s outfit. He or she may immediately become defensive because they didn’t ask for your opinion, and you didn’t have permission to give feedback. Most people don’t mind hearing something positive about their clothing choices, but if you are offering a criticism, you are likely to offend the person.

The Right Approach: If you feel that it is important to give feedback to someone, you have two options for how to approach the subject. You can either ask for their permission to offer feedback, or you can find ways to assure them that they can get constructive feedback from you.

Asking someone for permission to offer feedback doesn’t always work because the person may say that they are not interested in hearing it. If they don’t want to hear what you have to say, would you want to say it? Even if the outcome is not as you would like, asking saves you from offending the person.

Having someone solicit feedback from you can take more time, but it yields better results. I prefer this piece of relationship advice for giving feedback because the recipient is already primed to listen to what you have to say.

For example, imagine that your best friend just purchased new glasses. You might mention that you recently read an article about the best types of glasses for different face shapes. You note that when reading this, you realized that the frames you just pick for yourself didn’t match your face’s shape. Your comments and the knowledge that you have from researching the topic might lead your friend to ask, “How do you feel about these glasses for me?” When they ask you for feedback, they’ve granted you permission to speak your mind.

2. Neglecting their feelings when they need you

Our emotions fluctuate throughout the day, and unfortunately we can’t be cheerful all the time. We may feel stressed at work, sad about something that happened, or frustrated about not getting what we want. The greatest sadness of all comes from feeling that the person who should know us best of all can’t recognize our feelings of distress.

Imagine your partner comes home after a stressful day at work. You hear what he or she has to say, and you immediately start giving advice. You think that you are doing your partner a favor by trying to fix the problem. You might say things like, “I don’t think that is the right job for you,” or, “Your boss is mean.”

You have not only fallen into the first relationship pitfall by giving unauthorized feedback, but you’ve also ignored your partner’s needs in that moment. There may be a time when your partner would like to have a kvetching session or problem-solve, but when he or she first comes home, they may just want someone to listen.[1]

The Right Approach: Honor your partner’s feelings by listening to them. Use active listening techniques[2] and avoid trying to fix the problem for them right away. Even if the issue seems minor to you, refrain from trivializing their feelings. You can help him or her find perspective later, but at first, just acknowledge their thoughts and emotions.

Instead of hopping into advice mode or trying to find the silver lining in their tough situation right away, simply ask your partner how they feel. If they’re willing to open up, listen to them. You can affirm them with nonverbal cues or by paraphrasing what they’ve told you. Resist the urge to give feedback! I know it’s hard because you care.

You will feel emotionally better when someone ask “Are you ok?” when you are sick, than to hear “You should wear enough clothes next time.” Who wants advice when we are sick?

We all need time to allow emotions to calm before we are ready to handle feedback. Remember that until they have authorized feedback from you, they will not find it helpful.

3. Failing to offer feedback at all

Not giving useful feedback is on the other end of the relationship-pitfall spectrum. The previous problems involved giving too much information, but this piece of relationship advice is borne out of giving too little information.

Imagine your partner comes to you to take suggestions about where to go on your anniversary. Instead of listing a few options, you respond by saying, “I don’t know,” or “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine with whatever you pick.”

You think you are conveying how flexible you are, but that isn’t the message you’re sending to your partner. He or she came to you because they wanted your feedback, and you just told them that you don’t care or don’t want to take any responsibility for decision-making.[3] You didn’t have to produce a definite answer, but they wanted to see that you were willing to give some input on the matter.

You ask for feedback because you genuinely wanted help for your problem. When you want input, you may also be working to take the pressure off yourself. When someone fails to give you feedback, they place the onus of decision-making back on you.[4]

The Right Approach: When someone asks for your feedback, take a moment to consider their request. You don’t have to fix the problem for them, but you might be able to help them think about the situation in a new way.

Instead of telling your partner you don’t care where you go for your anniversary, you might say, “I’m not sure, but we haven’t had Italian food in a while. Maybe we could find an Italian place we haven’t tried yet.” By responding in this way, you show your partner that you are both on the same team, and you are willing to help find a solution.

Remember, this isn’t even about the answer that you give to the person. It’s about your attitude toward their concerns.

When You Start To Be Aware Of These Problems, You Will Experience Less Conflicts

At this point, you may be cringing as you think of times when your best intentions have gone awry, but know that you are not alone. I wish that I could tell you that I’ve never given unsolicited advice, ignored someone’s feelings in an attempt to fix a problem, or failed to give helpful feedback when asked, but I have done them all.

We can’t change what has already happened, but we can use this relationship advice to ensure that the people in our lives feel empowered by our ability to listen and provide feedback when they ask for it.

Reference

[1]^Psychology Today: Stop Trying to Fix Things, Just Listen[2]^The Balance: Active Listening Definition, Skills, and Examples[3]^Psychology Today: The 3 Words You Have to Stop Saying[4]^The Spruce: Decision Making in Marriage

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[sarahburness]

9 Things Grateful People Believe

*This post was originally published in 2015. This was around the time I decided to create my newly launched gratitude journal, so it seemed fitting to share it again today!

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.” ~Melody Beattie

My title was a little misleading, at least based on my personal beliefs.

I don’t believe the world fits neatly into some massive yin yang with grateful people on one side and ungrateful people on the other; but rather, we all go through times when we feel high and low degrees of gratitude, and that’s only human nature.

It’s okay to feel angry, despondent, and disappointed. It’s okay to wish things were different—that we were healthier, or happier, or generally less lost in the world.

There’s nothing evolved about ignoring reality or repressing our emotions. But there’s a difference between embracing our feelings and stewing in them.

It might not be possible to be feel grateful all the time, but it is possible to be grateful more often than not.

The opposite was true for me for years, but I’ve shifted my ratio of grateful to ungrateful moments by adopting and reinforcing the following beliefs.

1. Everyone has something to teach or offer me.

That person who cut you off in traffic—she’s likely not a selfish jerk, but rather someone who’s having a stressful day and rushing. Annoying, yes, but thankfully this is an opportunity to practice patience.

That person who broke your heart—he’s likely not a sadistic bastard who took pleasure in your pain, but rather someone who was human and hurting, just like you, and did the best he could. Distressing, yes, but thankfully this taught you a great deal about yourself and what a healthy relationship entails.

This mindset was difficult for me to adopt. For a long time I felt convinced that some people were beyond understanding. And, I thought, like Miley Cyrus, some of them came into my life like a wrecking ball and provided absolutely no value.

I now see that I’ve learned something from every broken heart, broken hope, and broken promise. It’s all helped me become a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person, and the same is true for anyone who chooses to see it that way.

2. There’s something valuable in every challenge.

Just like every person can offer us something valuable, every challenge can contain an opportunity as well.

To be clear, I don’t think we need to see everything as a blessing in disguise. In her book Bright-Sided, author Barbara Ehrenreich shared her resentment for the implication she should see her cancer as a gift. I understand why she felt that way.

This goes back to what I wrote in the beginning—there’s nothing worthwhile about pretending we’re not shocked, saddened, and disappointed by the hardships that come our way. It doesn’t benefit anyone to ignore our natural feelings in the face of trauma and tragedy.

But it is possible to acknowledge that, while some things just plain suck, good things can come from them.

When my grandmother passed away several years back, we all wished we had more time with her. But that began a new tradition for my extended family. Once a week, on the day when my mother previously took my grandmother out to dinner, my aunt, uncle, cousins, parents, and siblings get together for “family night.”

It was a tradition born from tragedy, but one that’s brought everyone closer.

On the other side of loss there’s an opportunity for gain, if we’re willing to seek or create it.

3. Even if I don’t have what I want, I’m fortunate to have what I need.

Very few people have everything they want. True, some may have a lot more than others, but the vast majority of us have hopes that have yet to be fulfilled.

We have dreams, and goals, and ambitions. We want things and experiences and opportunities. We want to be a little richer, for life to feel a little fuller, and to generally get the sense that we’re moving forward, not backward.

Still, amid all the ups and downs and highs and lows, many of us have everything we need, or at least most of it. We have somewhere to live, food to eat, people to turn to, and the ability to pursue whatever it is we’d like to achieve in life.

Those things are not givens. Many people—and you may be one of them—do not have their basic needs met.

I didn’t always appreciate this, because it didn’t seem to make my challenges any easier. But if I didn’t have those needs met, my challenges would certainly be harder.

4. The “little things” are the big things.

If you keep a gratitude journal, you’ve likely recognized just how many touching, fortunate, or fun little things happen every day.

Recently I’ve listed the following in my gratitude journal:

My new adult coloring books, which provide stress-relief and joy

Getting to see the Christmas tree lighting at The Grove with my fiancé and an old friend (it happened before Thanksgiving—which annoys some people, I know, but not me!)

Realizing the new season of Arrow started, and there were five episodes to watch

Taking a hot bath with a mindless (okay, trashy) magazine

Getting a cheap but awesome burrito for lunch

Anticipating a fun family visit for Thanksgiving

The smell of meatballs cooking in my parents’ kitchen

It’s not every day we get a new job, marry the love our life, or bring a child or passion project into the world. Most smiles in life stem from little things, appreciated.

5. I don’t have to have it all or do it all to be happy.

In the US especially, many of us hold the belief that we need to do it all, have it all, and be it all. We can’t miss out. We can’t fall short. We have to keep up, and keep accumulating.

Sure, it’s nice to cross an experience off our life to-do list, and we all love when we’re able to provide ourselves with something that’s caught our eye.

But grateful people realize that happiness comes from accepting and appreciating what is—and knowing that even if we never have or do more, we can live a full and fabulous life.

This doesn’t mean we need to forsake all our goals and desires and grow stagnant. Though I love the movie It’s a Wonderful Life, as I wrote previously, I don’t believe we need to sacrifice all our wants and dreams to be good people.

I do believe, however, there’s something to be said for putting in the effort, surrendering to the outcome, and recognizing that whatever happens, life can be beautiful.

6. Everyone’s blessings are different, and that’s okay.

When you’re caught up in that race to do more and be more, it’s all too easy to look around at who seems to be “ahead” and feel resentful. Grateful people realize that life isn’t a competition, and there’s no such thing as “behind.”

We’re all different people; we all have different talents, interests, priorities, and values; and we’re all on our own path.

What’s meaningful to me might not be meaningful to you. What’s valuable to me might not be valuable to you.

You might feel blessed to have four healthy kids. I feel blessed to be getting a fish tank soon. You might feel blessed to have just bought a new home in the country. I feel blessed to live in a vibrant apartment community in a city.

And you may have things I wish I had (I actually wouldn’t mind a healthy kid or two), but there may be things I have that you want. And that’s totally okay.

We’re all fortunate in our own way, for different reasons. All that really matters is that we recognize, focus on, and appreciate our own.

7. Things can—and will—change.

Every now and then, I look deeply at someone I love and remind myself that they won’t always be here. And I won’t be either.

It sounds morbid, I know, and it sometimes chokes me up to think about it. But recognizing that nothing and no one will be around forever makes it so much easier to focus on the good things and appreciate what we have.

And this doesn’t just apply to people. It’s not a given that any of us will do the same job until we retire, or that we’ll make the same salary, or that we’ll have the health we have now to enjoy the same hobbies.

Try as we may to insure things won’t change—with contracts, and policies, and commitments—things can, and will, change. Nothing nurtures a grateful heart like recognizing this, and acting like it.

8. It could always be worse.

Yes, it’s a cliché, and not something we want to hear when we’re going through a hard time.

I recently found an anonymous quote that reads, “Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.”

Knowing that it could be worse does not have to mean denying our feelings. But it does put things in perspective and make it easier to move through them.

After losing both of his legs, my grandfather could have been bitter. Clearly, many people had it “better” than him—they could walk. But he still had his sense of humor, his values, and the people he loved, and that was all he needed.

9. Life itself is a gift.

We live in a world full of teachers—both people and experiences—that enable us to learn, grow, and continually evolve into the people we want to be.

We have many, if not all, of our basic needs met, providing a foundation that allows us to comfortably enjoy life’s abundant simple pleasures.

We may not have it all, or the same things other people have, but we each have countless things, people, and opportunities to appreciate and enjoy.

This moment will never come again, and there’s no guarantee the moments that follow will look anything like this. Knowing this somehow makes the present more precious—even if things aren’t perfect.

And that brings us to this final belief: life itself is a gift.

It isn’t always easy, or happy, but it’s one hell of a ride—and it wouldn’t be without the bumps and turns. At least, that’s what I believe, and because of this, I’m grateful.

What do you believe?

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha and Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. Her latest bookTiny Buddha's Gratitude Journal is available for pre-order now. For daily wisdom, follow Tiny Buddha on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram..

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[heididaily]

R E G R E T S

regret (verb)--feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity)."she immediately regretted her words"synonyms:be sorry about, feel contrite about, feel remorse about/for, be remorseful about, rue, repent (of), feel repentant about, be regretful at/about regret (noun)--a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done."she expressed her regret at Virginia's death"synonyms:remorse, sorrow, contrition, contriteness, repentance, penitence, guilt, compunction, remorsefulness, ruefulness

Originlate Middle English: from Old French regreter ‘bewail (the dead),’ perhaps from the Germanic base of greet

twitter @Trump_Regrets 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/ericjackson/2012/10/18/the-25-biggest-regrets-in-life-what-are-yours/#1e9854824d8f 

1. Working so much at the expense of family and friendships.

2. Standing up to bullies in school and in life.

3. Stayed in touch with some good friends from my childhood and youth. 

4. Turned off my phone more/Left my phone at home.

5. Breaking up with my true love/Getting dumped by them.

6. Worrying about what others thought about me so much.

7. Not having enough confidence in myself.

8. Living the life that my parents wanted me to live instead of the one I wanted to.

9. Applying for that "dream job" I always wanted.

10. Been happier more. Not taken life so seriously.

11. Gone on more trips with the family/friends. 

12. Letting my marriage break down.  

13. Taught my kids to do stuff more.

14. Burying the hatchet with a family member or old friend.

15. Trusting that voice in the back of my head more. 

16. Not asking that girl/boy out. 

17. Getting involved with the wrong group of friends when I was younger. 

18. Not getting that degree (high school or college). 

19. Choosing the practical job over the one I really wanted. 

20. Spending more time with the kids.

21. Not taking care of my health when I had the chance.  

22. Not having the courage to get up and talk at a funeral or important event. 

23. Not visiting a dying friend before he died. 

24. Learning another language. 

25. Being a better father or mother.

wikipedia

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often a feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance, or guilt, after one acts in a manner and later wishes not to have done so. Regret is distinct from guilt, which is a deeply emotional form of regret — one which may be difficult to comprehend in an objective or conceptual way. In this regard, the concept of regret is subordinate to guilt in terms of its emotional intensity. By comparison, shame typically refers to the social (rather than personal) aspect of guilt or (in minor context) regret as imposed by the society or culture (enforcement of ethics, morality), which has substantial bearing in matters of (personal and social) honor.

It is also distinct from remorse, which is more direct and emotional form of regret over a past action that is considered by society to be hurtful, shameful, or violent. Unlike regret, it includes a strong element of desire for apology to others rather than an internal reflection on one's actions, and may be expressed (sincerely or not) in order to reduce the punishment one receives.

Regret can describe not only the dislike for an action that has been committed, but also, importantly, regret of inaction. Many people find themselves wishing that they had done something in a past situation.

Opportunity principle[

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]

Opportunity principle defines people's biggest regrets as those marked by the greatest opportunity for corrective action.[2] When the opportunity to improve conditions is nonexistent, cognitive processes proceed to mitigate regret. Education is the forerunner of what we regret most because it is seen as something where circumstances could be changed: "In contemporary society, education is open to continual modification throughout life. With the rise of community colleges and student aid programs in recent decades, education of some sort is accessible to nearly all socioeconomic groups."[2]

Regret pushes people toward revised decision making and corrective action that often bring improvement in life circumstances. A study measured regret in accordance to negative reviews with service providers. It was concluded that regret was an accurate predictor of who switched providers. Regret can be seen as an evolutionary development. As more intense regret is experienced, the likelihood of initiating change is increased. Consequently, the more opportunity of corrective action available, the larger the regret felt and the more likely corrective action is achieved. People learn from their mistakes.[3]

The lost opportunity principle[

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]

In response to the opportunity principle, the lost opportunity principle directly opposes its views. The lost opportunity principle states that regret should intensify, not diminish, when people feel that they could have made better choices in the past but now perceive limited opportunities to take corrective action in the future. "People who habitually consider future consequences (and how they may avoid future negative outcomes) experience less, rather than more, intense regret after a negative outcome." [4] This principle offers another reason as to why education is the most regretted aspect in life. Education becomes a more limited opportunity as time passes. Aspects such as making friends, becoming more spiritual, and community involvement tend to be less regrettable which makes sense because these are also aspects in life that do not become limited opportunities. As the opportunity to remedy a situation passes, feelings of hopelessness may increase.[5] An explanation of the Lost Opportunity Principle can be seen as a lack of closure. Low closure makes past occurrences feel unresolved.[6] Low closure is associated with "reductions in state self-esteem and persistent negative affect over time". Because high closure is associated with acceptance of lost opportunity, low closure is then associated with the realization and regret of lost opportunity.

The lost opportunity principle suggests that regret does not serve as a corrective motive (which the opportunity principle suggests). Instead, regret serves as a more general reminder to seize the day. Feeling regret will spur future action to make sure other opportunities are taken so that regret will not be experienced again.

Anticipated regret[

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People appear to overestimate how much regret they will feel in the future. In particular, anticipated regret (how much regret one thinks one will feel) appears to be overestimated for actions and choices.[7][8] This appears to be, in part, due to a tendency to underestimate the extent to which people attribute bad outcomes to external factors than to internal factors (i.e., themselves).[7]

Neurology[

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Research upon brain injury and fMRI link the orbitofrontal cortex to the processing of regret.[9][10]

https://secretregrets.com/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-regret-8-ways-to-benefit-and-move-forward/

Dealing with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

1. Identify and address your weaknesses.

When we acknowledge our weaknesses, there’s often an implied sense of judgment, as if we should never make any mistakes. The alternative is to accept that everyone makes mistakes and then focus on what we can do differently going forward.

For me, that meant discovering why I was so afraid of putting myself out there. The rewards of learning to conquer that fear in the present far outweigh the pain of having given into it in the past.

2. Use your mistake as a teaching tool.

In my time writing for ‘tweens, I read many letters from girls who’ve learned to beat themselves up by watching their parents’ response to mistakes. If you forgive yourself and bounce right back, you empower your children to respond the same way.

If you’re like me and don’t have any children, think of it as helping everyone around you. I know when I see someone fall down and get back up without stressing over what they could have done differently, I feel inspired. It reminds me that it is possible, and I can do it too.

3. Use the opportunity to become better at adapting.

Most big mistakes present instant changes to reality as you know it. When I first arrived in NYC at twenty-two, I got involved in a pyramid scam, thinking it was a shortcut to success, and blew through my savings. What’s worse, I unknowingly pulled other people into a sinking ship that went under, with their money.

I couldn’t believe I’d been so naïve. I couldn’t change what I’d done, but I could take my new set of circumstances and challenges and plan a strategy to get back where I wanted to be. Any time we practice adapting, we create the possibility of happiness that doesn’t depend on perfect conditions.

4. Strengthen your ability to focus on

things you can control

.

If you cheated on your boyfriend after one too many margaritas, you probably wish you could go back and show more restraint. Unfortunately, what you should have done is now irrelevant. All you can do is move forward from where you are.

This is an invaluable skill because it empowers us to take positive action instead of falling into a shame cycle.

5. Embrace impermanence.

Everything in life is impermanent. While I’m not thrilled when my actions end a relationship or good situation, this reminds me to appreciate everyone and everything in the moment. There are no guarantees in life—even if I make very few mistakes.

6. Evaluate your relationships.

Think of this as your It’s a Wonderful Life moment. You’re down on your luck and vulnerable. You have to do some major life restructuring to rebound from whatever you just experienced. Are your friends there for you, offering forgiveness and support—even if it takes them a little time to get there? If not, this may be a perfect time to remove unhealthy relationships from your life.

This may also give you a chance to strengthen your relationships. If you hurt someone else, take this opportunity to discover what really motivated your actions and then let yourself get vulnerable with them. We’re all human, and nothing brings us together like acknowledging our universal struggles.

7. Get better at accepting responsibility.

I know many people who would sooner donate their organs to science than take responsibility. We’ve all passed the buck at one time or another, because it’s a risk to admit culpability. Still, there’s something empowering about saying, “I screwed up, and I accept the consequences.”

8. Challenge your thinking.

There’s a quote that reads “Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction.” If your mistake propels you toward a better future, then it’s actually a blessing in disguise. I realize mistakes oftentimes present challenges, but ultimately, you can only move forward if you find opportunities in your reality, whatever that may be.

The crazy thing about regret is that it seems imperative sometimes—as if we have to indulge it like a bed we made and now have to lie in. But there’s nothing compelling us to dwell on the way things could have been. The only thing that keeps us stuck in lost possibilities is the refusal to focus on new ones.

Life is now, and we always have a choice: Do we drown in regret over what never came to be, or use our energy to create what can be? Today, I am choosing the latter.

Inside the Growing Movement of Women Who Wish They'd Never Had Kids

Trouble In Transtopia: Murmurs Of Sex Change Regret

readers share photos of tattoos they regret

Tattoo Regret: Why The Majority Of Middle-Aged Americans Are Deciding To Blast Away Their Ink

DONT REGRET REGRET TED TALK KATHRYN SCHULZ

So that's Johnny Depp, of course. And that's Johnny Depp's shoulder. And that's Johnny Depp's famous shoulder tattoo. Some of you might know that, in 1990, Depp got engaged to Winona Ryder, and he had tattooed on his right shoulder "Winona forever." And then three years later — which in fairness, kind of is forever by Hollywood standards — they broke up, and Johnny went and got a little bit of repair work done. And now his shoulder says, "Wino forever."

0:44(Laughter)

0:47So like Johnny Depp, and like 25 percent of Americans between the ages of 16 and 50, I have a tattoo. I first started thinking about getting it in my mid-20s, but I deliberately waited a really long time. Because we all know people who have gotten tattoos when they were 17 or 19 or 23 and regretted it by the time they were 30. That didn't happen to me. I got my tattoo when I was 29, and I regretted it instantly. And by "regretted it," I mean that I stepped outside of the tattoo place — this is just a couple miles from heredown on the Lower East Side — and I had a massive emotional meltdown in broad daylight on the corner of East Broadway and Canal Street. (Laughter) Which is a great place to do it because nobody cares. (Laughter) And then I went home that night, and I had an even larger emotional meltdown, which I'll say more about in a minute.

1:49And this was all actually quite shocking to me, because prior to this moment, I had prided myself on having absolutely no regrets. I made a lot of mistakes and dumb decisions, of course. I do that hourly. But I had always felt like, look, you know, I made the best choice I could make given who I was then, given the information I had on hand. I learned a lesson from it. It somehow got me to where I am in life right now. And okay, I wouldn't change it. In other words, I had drunk our great cultural Kool-Aid about regret, which is that lamenting things that occurred in the past is an absolute waste of time, that we should always look forward and not backward,and that one of the noblest and best things we can do is strive to live a life free of regrets.

2:38This idea is nicely captured by this quote: "Things without all remedy should be without regard; what's done is done." And it seems like kind of an admirable philosophy at first — something we might all agree to sign onto ... until I tell you who said it. Right, so this is Lady MacBeth basically telling her husband to stop being such a wuss for feeling bad about murdering people. And as it happens, Shakespeare was onto something here, as he generally was. Because the inability to experience regret is actually one of the diagnostic characteristics of sociopaths. It's also, by the way, a characteristic of certain kinds of brain damage. So people who have damage to their orbital frontal cortex seem to be unable to feel regret in the face of even obviously very poor decisions. So if, in fact, you want to live a life free of regret, there is an option open to you. It's called a lobotomy. But if you want to be fully functional and fully human and fully humane, I think you need to learn to live, not without regret, but with it.

3:50So let's start off by defining some terms. What is regret? Regret is the emotion we experience when we think that our present situation could be better or happier if we had done something different in the past. So in other words, regret requires two things. It requires, first of all, agency — we had to make a decision in the first place. And second of all, it requires imagination. We need to be able to imagine going back and making a different choice, and then we need to be able to kind of spool this imaginary record forwardand imagine how things would be playing out in our present. And in fact, the more we have of either of these things — the more agency and the more imagination with respect to a given regret, the more acute that regret will be.

4:30So let's say for instance that you're on your way to your best friend's wedding and you're trying to get to the airport and you're stuck in terrible traffic, and you finally arrive at your gate and you've missed your flight. You're going to experience more regret in that situation if you missed your flight by three minutes than if you missed it by 20. Why? Well because, if you miss your flight by three minutes, it is painfully easy to imagine that you could have made different decisions that would have led to a better outcome. "I should have taken the bridge and not the tunnel. I should have gone through that yellow light." These are the classic conditions that create regret. We feel regret when we think we are responsible for a decision that came out badly, but almost came out well.

5:14Now within that framework, we can obviously experience regret about a lot of different things. This session today is about behavioral economics. And most of what we know about regret comes to us out of that domain. We have a vast body of literature on consumer and financial decisions and the regrets associated with them — buyer's remorse, basically. But then finally, it occurred to some researchers to step back and say, well okay, but overall, what do we regret most in life? Here's what the answers turn out to look like.

5:46So top six regrets — the things we regret most in life: Number one by far, education. 33 percent of all of our regrets pertain to decisions we made about education. We wish we'd gotten more of it. We wish we'd taken better advantage of the education that we did have. We wish we'd chosen to study a different topic. Others very high on our list of regrets include career, romance, parenting,various decisions and choices about our sense of self and how we spend our leisure time — or actually more specifically, how we fail to spend our leisure time. The remaining regrets pertain to these things: finance, family issues unrelated to romance or parenting,health, friends, spirituality and community.

6:30So in other words, we know most of what we know about regret by the study of finance. But it turns out, when you look overall at what people regret in life, you know what, our financial decisions don't even rank. They account for less than three percent of our total regrets. So if you're sitting there stressing about large cap versus small cap, or company A versus company B, or should you buy the Subaru or the Prius, you know what, let it go. Odds are, you're not going to care in five years.

6:58But for these things that we actually do really care about and do experience profound regret around, what does that experience feel like? We all know the short answer. It feels terrible. Regret feels awful. But it turns out that regret feels awful in four very specific and consistent ways. So the first consistent component of regret is basically denial. When I went home that night after getting my tattoo, I basically stayed up all night. And for the first several hours, there was exactly one thought in my head. And the thought was, "Make it go away!" This is an unbelievably primitive emotional response. I mean, it's right up there with, "I want my mommy!" We're not trying to solve the problem. We're not trying to understand how the problem came about. We just want it to vanish.

7:50The second characteristic component of regret is a sense of bewilderment. So the other thing I thought about there in my bedroom that night was, "How could I have done that? What was I thinking?" This real sense of alienation from the part of us that made a decision we regret. We can't identify with that part. We don't understand that part. And we certainly don't have any empathy for that part — which explains the third consistent component of regret, which is an intense desire to punish ourselves. That's why, in the face of our regret, the thing we consistently say is, "I could have kicked myself." The fourth component here is that regret is what psychologists call perseverative. To perseverate means to focus obsessively and repeatedly on the exact same thing. Now the effect of perseveration is to basically take these first three components of regret and put them on an infinite loop. So it's not that I sat there in my bedroom that night, thinking, "Make it go away." It's that I sat there and I thought, "Make it go away. Make it go away. Make it go away. Make it go away." So if you look at the psychological literature, these are the four consistent defining components of regret.

8:59But I want to suggest that there's also a fifth one. And I think of this as a kind of existential wake-up call. That night in my apartment,after I got done kicking myself and so forth, I lay in bed for a long time, and I thought about skin grafts. And then I thought about how,much as travel insurance doesn't cover acts of God, probably my health insurance did not cover acts of idiocy. In point of fact, no insurance covers acts of idiocy. The whole point of acts of idiocy is that they leave you totally uninsured; they leave you exposed to the world and exposed to your own vulnerability and fallibility in face of, frankly, a fairly indifferent universe.

9:45This is obviously an incredibly painful experience. And I think it's particularly painful for us now in the West in the grips of what I sometimes think of as a Control-Z culture — Control-Z like the computer command, undo. We're incredibly used to not having to facelife's hard realities, in a certain sense. We think we can throw money at the problem or throw technology at the problem — we can undo and unfriend and unfollow. And the problem is that there are certain things that happen in life that we desperately want to change and we cannot. Sometimes instead of Control-Z, we actually have zero control. And for those of us who are control freaks and perfectionists — and I know where of I speak — this is really hard, because we want to do everything ourselves and we want to do it right.

10:38Now there is a case to be made that control freaks and perfectionists should not get tattoos, and I'm going to return to that point in a few minutes. But first I want to say that the intensity and persistence with which we experience these emotional components of regretis obviously going to vary depending on the specific thing that we're feeling regretful about. So for instance, here's one of my favoriteautomatic generators of regret in modern life. (Laughter) Text: Relpy to all. And the amazing thing about this really insidious technological innovation is that even just with this one thing, we can experience a huge range of regret. You can accidentally hit "reply all" to an email and torpedo a relationship. Or you can just have an incredibly embarrassing day at work. Or you can have your last day at work.

11:31And this doesn't even touch on the really profound regrets of a life. Because of course, sometimes we do make decisions that have irrevocable and terrible consequences, either for our own or for other people's health and happiness and livelihoods, and in the very worst case scenario, even their lives. Now obviously, those kinds of regrets are incredibly piercing and enduring. I mean, even the stupid "reply all" regrets can leave us in a fit of excruciating agony for days.

12:06So how are we supposed to live with this? I want to suggest that there's three things that help us to make our peace with regret. And the first of these is to take some comfort in its universality. If you Google regret and tattoo, you will get 11.5 million hits. (Laughter)The FDA estimates that of all the Americans who have tattoos, 17 percent of us regret getting them. That is Johnny Depp and me and our seven million friends. And that's just regret about tattoos. We are all in this together.

12:46The second way that we can help make our peace with regret is to laugh at ourselves. Now in my case, this really wasn't a problem,because it's actually very easy to laugh at yourself when you're 29 years old and you want your mommy because you don't like your new tattoo. But it might seem like a kind of cruel or glib suggestion when it comes to these more profound regrets. I don't think that's the case though. All of us who've experienced regret that contains real pain and real grief understand that humor and even black humor plays a crucial role in helping us survive. It connects the poles of our lives back together, the positive and the negative, and it sends a little current of life back into us.

13:32The third way that I think we can help make our peace with regret is through the passage of time, which, as we know, heals all wounds — except for tattoos, which are permanent. So it's been several years since I got my own tattoo. And do you guys just want to see it? All right. Actually, you know what, I should warn you, you're going to be disappointed. Because it's actually not that hideous. I didn't tattoo Marilyn Manson's face on some indiscreet part of myself or something. When other people see my tattoo, for the most part they like how it looks. It's just that I don't like how it looks. And as I said earlier, I'm a perfectionist. But I'll let you see it anyway.

14:25This is my tattoo. I can guess what some of you are thinking. So let me reassure you about something. Some of your own regrets are also not as ugly as you think they are. I got this tattoo because I spent most of my 20s living outside the country and traveling. And when I came and settled in New York afterward, I was worried that I would forget some of the most important lessons that I learned during that time. Specifically the two things I learned about myself that I most didn't want to forget was how important it felt to keep exploring and, simultaneously, how important it is to somehow keep an eye on your own true north. And what I loved about this image of the compass was that I felt like it encapsulated both of these ideas in one simple image. And I thought it might serve as a kind of permanent mnemonic device.

15:19Well it did. But it turns out, it doesn't remind me of the thing I thought it would; it reminds me constantly of something else instead. It actually reminds me of the most important lesson regret can teach us, which is also one of the most important lessons life teaches us. And ironically, I think it's probably the single most important thing I possibly could have tattooed onto my body — partly as a writer, but also just as a human being. Here's the thing, if we have goals and dreams, and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them.

16:14The lesson that I ultimately learned from my tattoo and that I want to leave you with today is this: We need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly. It reminds us that we know we can do better.

16:36Thank you.

16:38(Applause)