#because ''they cant be autistic they're always making eye contact''

[rtgame]

also regarding prev: in retrospect im pretty sure said doctors were right but i dont want to go out and get an official diagnosis bc 1) money 2) not in the mood to get discriminated even more

anyways the whole situation is kinda funny but also not bc my doctors were like. hey you should go get your kid tested they might be autistic and my mom is like, no they can't be autistic they make so much eye contact (this was her only defense). and now i can't make any eye contact ever. funny how that works out.

[autisticlee]

very rambly rambles about stuff and things

i feel like I have some sort of ptsd thing when it comes to people asking/begging me for help by giving them money and stuff. because i'm a magnet for those type of people....and i've had some unpleasant experiences with them. don't misunderstand, I DO WISH TO HELP PEOPLE. but i'm disabled and poor and struggling myself! but it's difficult having people aggressively come after me while being autistic, already traumatized by people in general, very on edge all the time, lost and confused, and because I don't process things quickly it well and don't have the correct skills and abilities to deal with and speak to strangers.

I already live with a guilty conscience and feel like shit when I can't help people. i'm easily used and manipulated because I feel like I need to help everyone all the time because I was taught growing up and ignore myself and my needs and live for others. so people could easily cheat and scam me because of that. they can attack me and do whatever because I fsnt scream. I can't ask for help. my fight or flight ends up being freeze and I don't have the voice ability to speak or yell for help.

I have given money to people who yelled they're homeless and need money because I was frightened and didn't know what to do because they wouldn't leave and were in my face making me about to meltdown and cry. i've had them block me, trap me, corner me, and not let me leave until I gave them money and get very upset if i have none and say im lying. i've had them follow me at night on dark streets, drunk and loud and feeling dangerous and only left when I gave them the very little emergency or food money i had. they've screamed at me because it wasn't enough, but I just wanted them to leave but couldn't speak or yell back. i've had them threaten me, harass me, say gross sexual stuff, and describe how they'd kill me in great detail. i've had them grab hold of me, shaking me screaming to give them money and feed their kids, trying to drag me away with them, refusing to let go. i've had them follow me around for an hour in broad daylight begging for money, trying to guilt trip me, the crowd around me ignoring my silent pleas for help. not listening to me when I manage to barely speak out I have no money (I truly did not) and telling me i'm a selfish liar and i'm the only one who can help them and i'll go to hell and if I don't help and they hope bad things happen to me.

every time I go to a city, these kinds of experiences happen. people tell me not to give them money because they'll waste it. people tell me to ignore them, don't even look at them. I do ignore them. I can't speak to them. I look at the ground when I walk so I dont fall because my disability makes walking hard. I don't make eye contact. but it still doesn't work. i'm still a magnet for these people.

I feel bad that they make me feel so uncomfortable and frightened and make me have a trauma response when they do these things. I feel bad that I can't help. I know they need help. I also need help and don't get the help I need. but i'm not the one that can help them. why do they always come after me? why do these experiences make my brain do a trauma response? why do I freeze while internally melting down? why can't I just scream at them to leave me alone? why does ignoring them do nothing? why they grab me and trap me and not let me go? I don't carry cash anymore! I can't give them any! don't know how to use atm! cant feed myself and rely on parents to provide things for me! so can't feed you and your kids! sorry! 😭😭 would help if I was rich I promise! Will help everyone if csm become rich

where i'm going with this....oh yeah. those blogs sending asks to donate to help escape war, you know the ones? getting those triggers same response in me. makes me feel awful I can't do anything but feels like they try to guilt trip and trap me. I want to help. if I was rich! I saw some are fake too so never know the truth. don't have the brain power to figure it out. but getting told "hope you donate to me to help escape death" after I say sorry I don't have money unfortunately maybe a follower does makes me feel horrible because I guilt trip myself too everyday that I can't change the world and help everyone all the time, but also get the fight or flight freeze trauma response even if it's just an ask 😭

does this make me a bad person? is it wrong to feel this way? is it bad to view these people as scary and a threat when they just need help? should I help everyone anyway even when i'm struggling just because they "have it worse"? am i selfish for not helping everyone? or am I bad if I give some of my lunch money to make someome leave when i'm told not to? am I doing everything wrong by getting people irl to always come after me even when I think i'm ignoring them? is it bad if I feel uncomfortable by getting asks from random blogs asking for money to "escape death" and not donating because i'm struggling in my own way and also not sure what to trust? 😭😭😭😭😭 maybe if I can get on disability I can get money and donate more. I try to donate a few dollars a year to charity groups like trans/lgbt charity every pride months if able and to st Jude every year if able. I volunteer at wildlife center to help animals. I try to do good even when struggling. is it not enough? am I still doing bad? if not meant to help everyone and need to "take care of self" why do I feel very bad? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[fuck-customers]

😷 I don't look at faces. I have really bad anxiety and eye contact makes it hard to talk so i don't look at faces. Often i don't catch people without masks because im not looking there at all. My coworker on the other hand is hyper vigilant about masks, she will not speak to someone if they dont have masks on and will regularly spend her own money to make sure without a doubt we always have masks to hand out. Our boss noticed that and started putting us behind the front desk together and i do admit we make a great team, she's very quickly becoming a really good friend.

On Wednesday a man came in, no mask, yelling about how the CEO stole money from him. We cant allow people up to the office without reason or reservation especially if they're irate so i tell him no. My coworker tells him he needs to put a mask on or leave and he flips shit. Punches the desk, tips over all our nice plants, we had to get security to escort him out. I'm not sure what our CEO did, business deals go bad sometimes, but to make 2 desk workers feel unsafe because of it is ridiculous. Apparently he reported us to managment as the "Mask bitch and the pink haired bitch that's probably autistic" ... which really upset me

[ao3gingerswag]

on the whole idea of the boys when they're older interacting with kids, what if one day a kid comes in with his family who's like rly shy and timid, like not bc of abuse he's just rly shy and with his family who are perhaps quite boisterous and he's not and he gets quite anxious and there's a whole thing where the boys are able to bring him out of his shell ;~; like when he and his family are sitting down for a meal dean comes out with their food and makes him relax bc hes so good with kids. he comes down during the night bc he heard a noise and got scared and cas is down there cleaning up for the night and talks to him about nature to calm him down and the boy is like :)) and then the next morning he's outside and there's other kids who are playing with sam and he's off to the side but sam notices and is able to bring him into the play and he ends up making friends with the other kids, and then by the time the family have to leave the inn he's like smiling and happy and he turns to his parents and is like 'can we come back here soon :D' and it's this rly nice moment, maybe from his perspective so we get to see others reactions to the boys :))

ALSO AS I WAS WRITING THIS I HAD AN EPIPHANY WHAT IF THE BOY IS JACK. DOESN'T NEED TO BE BUT IT WORKS KINDA WELL!!

awwww this is so cute!!! Maybe this could be combined with the prompt about cas helping the family with an autistic child and helping the parents understand their kid better....like maybe the kid is autistic and so he has a hard time talking sometimes and is withdrawn bc of difficulty interacting with others. and dean is so good with kids, even if he can't spot right away that the kid is autistic like cas would be able to, he can tell when he comes out with the food that the kid is in distress. like he's like and here's yours sir :) to the kid (dean is very polite but he is calling the kid sir as a bit of a joke to make the kid smile) and the kid like doesnt look up and the parents are like oh sorry he's just shy. and dean is like oh. hmmm. cause the kid has like his fingers clenched in his tunic. when he comes back out he like crouches next to the kid to make him feel more comfortable and is like hey :) i'm dean :) and the kid doesnt look up or say anything and the parents r like sorry he gets like this idk why. jack look at the nice boy and introduce yourself. (i didnt watch the later seasons but from what i see on tumblr.edu the consensus is that jack is autistic so!) and dean is like no thats ok he doesnt have to look at me/talk to me. and then to jack he's like. u know i have a friend who doesn't always look at people or talk to them and we get along just fine. so i think me and jack are gonna get along great :) and then to jack he's like. you know. my friend and i dont always talk using our voices. sometimes we use our hands! (i guess this is post meeting eileen- i've said this on a different post but once dean cas and sam r introduced to the concept of sign language they adopt it immediately bc cas feels so much more comfortable communicating like that when he's having trouble w/ words) and jack is like ??! so turns towards dean w/o making eye contact, clearly intrigued. and dean is like :) wanna see? :) and jack nods. and dean shows him a few basic signs and jack mimics him. and one of the words is upset. and then once jack learns it, dean signs "you upset?" to him. ;~; and jack nods. and dean is like. wanna tell me what's up? maybe i can help! and then jack does the shy kid thing of indicating with body language that they dont wanna say what's wrong out loud, so dean leans in and jack whispers into his ear "loud." and dean is like oh! i see! we can fix that :) can i tell your parents what you just told me? and jack nods. so dean says to the parents (who r looking on in bemusement) its a bit loud in here for jack. mind if i take him outside for a minute? and the parents are like oh! sweetheart why didnt you tell us? (they arent bad parents they just dont get jack and its the middle ages so its not like there is info out there) and jack shrugs and the parents sort of helplessly shrug at each other, bc jack not verbalizing issues is a common problem for them. and they r like um its ok u dont have to take him outside we will take him. but do u mind bringing our food outside and stuff. like can we eat there. and dean is like of course no problem! and theyre like r u sure? im sorry that u have to go out of ur way for us, im sorry about our son, he can be. kinda fussy sometimes. and dean is like literally dont worry about it!

so then jack's parents take him outside and they all eat on the porch, and dean keeps popping back over to check on them. and jack is clearly much happier and starts to become much more verbal now that he's not overstimulated. still shy and quiet but much more smiley and every time dean brings them something he's very quietly like "thank you."

omg! maybe dean notices that he's not eating his food and so he's like do we want something else? and the parents r like omg no omg im sorry he's just so particular about what he likes omg the food is great jack pls eat ur food dont be rude. and dean is like he's not being rude at all he's a very polite young man :) id be happy to bring something else out. and the parents r like. well. if you're sure...he likes things that r like. boring. like really really boring. like plain porridge with nothing in it and stuff like that. and dean is like mashed potatoes? and the parents r like yes! and jack perks up. and so he brings that out for jack. and he brings it out and the parents r like omg omg thank u SO much for going so out of ur way for our weird kid even tho he still wont look at u at all. they dont say that part they're not assholes to jack, its implied tho and jack kinda curls into himself bc hes embarrassed about causing problems. and dean ofc notices and is like. u know. my friend who talks with his hands can be very particular too. he doesnt like the noise in the dining room either, and he also only likes certain foods. and jack perks up again :)

ahhh he keeps coming out to check on them and he's like hey how u doing? and!! oh no maybe dean also taught him the sign for happy and he signs "happy" at dean ;~:

to be clear- dean doesn't make the connection that jack LIKE like cas, as in he's autistic, at least not yet. like i think he WOULD if he had more time with him, but cas is the only autistic person he's ever met, and he just met jack. dean def just thinks he's very shy, but he's great with kids and can tell right away that jack is upset, and he shows him the signs not cause he realizes that jack is actually non-verbal in that moment but because he really doesnt care if the kid doesn't want to talk to him, he just wants to help. and he shows him the signs and stuff bc he wants the kid to tell him whats wrong, but kids wont tell strangers that if u just ask upfront, you have to gain their trust a little first ;~; and dean understands all of this instinctually bc he's great with kids so he manages to figure out whats wrong and solve the problem even without realizing that jack is autistic. ;~;

the person who figures out that jack is autistic is definitely cas!! jack comes down in the middle of the night maybe not cause he hears a noise, maybe he just cant sleep bc he hates his routine being disrupted and being in a new place ;~; and the sheets feel all wrong and everything smells wrong and everything is different and he hates it ;~; so he comes downstairs maybe be he's crying and he doesnt want to wake his parents up. and cas is downstairs cleaning up still, it's totally quiet tho now so there is no overstimulation. and cas is like oh! a tiny person!! uuhhh.... he def panics a little bc he's not good w people and he's not sure what to do with a random crying child. maybe he briefly considers waking dean up bc dean is good with kids and also maybe he saw dean talking to jack earlier. but then hes like no dean is tired i dont want to bother him ill try to deal with it. and hes like um. hello. um. my name is castiel i am the owner of this inn. um i guess u dont care about that. um. r u ok? and then the kid signs "upset" ;~; and cas is like oh! bc thats their signs! so he signs "what's wrong, why are you upset?" back even tho like it's just their home signs so how would this kid know them. but he signed "upset" so cas responds kinda on instinct. and the kid does not understand anything other than upset bc dean only showed him like 5 signs and he kinda already forgot the other ones. but it doesnt matter! bc those r hand words like dean was talking about and showing him! which must mean this is his friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking!! and jack is verbally like. r u dean's friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking. and cas is like um? yeah i guess? thats me. and jack is like ! i am very particular too! and bc he trusts dean and now by extension cas, and believes dean about cas being "particular" like him, he doesnt feel embarrassed about admitting what's wrong. and he spills his guts hes like everything is WRONG i dont like how anything feels or smells or tastes and everything is different from how it is at home and i HATE it and mom and dad says thats rude but i dont want to be rude but i cant sleep bc everything is all wrong!!! ;~; and he says all this not looking at cas and waving his hands around his head. and cas is like......................................................................oh. hm. i see. this is Me.

so he's just very empathetic and is like im really sorry i totally understand, you're not being rude, i also feel that way whenever we travel and i also am very selective about what i can touch and eat and stuff and am very sensitive to the physical environment. i know i cant fix it all but is there anything i can do to help you feel better? do u want to try some different blankets? and he takes jack to the linen closet and is extremely patient as he brings down each blanket and lets jack touch each one and decide which is the best. and it DOESNT solve everything but just having someone take him seriously and listen to him makes jack feel so much better and hes eventually able to go back to sleep ;~;

in the morning theyre outside, sam who's like 16 or whatever is chasing the kids around playing tickle monster. and jack's parents try to get him to go play with sam and the other kids but he doesnt want to he's too shy and anxious. and cas keeps staring at jack like :( bc he KNOWS but he doesnt know what to do about it. he brings it up with dean and dean is like OH. i see THATS what was going on with him he's like you! and cas is like yeah :( idk what to do about it...

sam sees jack hanging around with his parents on the side and he's like hey! do u want to come play? and jack is like................ and his parents r like sorry hes really shy. and sam is like thats ok! i have an idea, why dont we change the game and we can play hide and seek! (bc that doesnt require jack to jump in to interacting with a big crowd of kids) he's like :) i bet u can hide real well! :) and jack is like! :D and he nods bc hes like whoa i CAN hide really well! and they play hide and ofc sam is the seeker but when he finds the kids he always kinda turns it into man hunt cause he's like ah HA i got u!!! and he chases them around. and eventually he finds jack and hes like mwahahahaha now im gonna EAT you!!! and jack like screeches and giggles and bolts away and sam chases him and the other kids, and basically he like tricks jack into playing the exact same game they were playing before by like easing him into it by not making the start of the game require walking up to a crowd of ppl. but then once they r in the game he's ok just running around with the other kids :)

meanwhile dean and cas watch this and dean is like. do u want to talk to the parents. and cas is like. :/ i dont know how to do that. like how would we even start that conversation. and dean is like. i can help u :) so he does! he's like hey u remember i was talking about my friend to ur son the other day? this is he! u met him when u were checking in! ive noticed that he's like really really similar to ur son and has some of the same issues, and we were wondering if u wanted to talk about how cas deals with some of those things? and basically dean eases them into the conversation and makes it unintimidating for both parties. and cas teaches the parents all about the concept of sign language, and how going non-verbal is more than just being shy, and like they start describing situations in which jack was like Weird theyre like one time he started screaming and crying and rocking in public we didnt know what to do! and cas is like well where were u? what was going on? and like helps them identify the kinds of sensory things that probably trigger jack and stuff. and just like. its a good convo.

omg and cas is literate by this point and maybe the parents r too and hes like. if u ever wanna write to me and ask me about more shit and whatever pls dont hesitate. and then they DO and basically they help this family understand and raise their autistic son and its great!!! :D

anyway this is a VERY long response i definitely just outlined a mini-fic here.