#beauyashaweek2021 day 3 scars

[bloodyshadow1]

Beauyasha week Day 3: Scars

You're Worth Trying to be Better For

I did metaphorical scars for today's prompt, not much more to say. Hope you like it, more prompts on their way, at least 1 more, though I'll do my best to write more. If you like my work and feel like encouraging me to write more, leave a comment if you want. They help more than you know

“Hey Yash,” Beau said calling after her girlfriend. They had just dealt with a band of giant spiders that was plaguing a small town in the southern parts of the Empire. It wasn’t a hard fight, not after the year they had, but for most normal people they could have been a problem.

Beau was worried, her girlfriend had been distant the last few days, even quieter and withdrawn than usual. Beau didn’t want to push her, she didn’t have a lot of experience being a girlfriend and didn’t think forcing Yasha to talk about things would help. But now that she wasn’t even scavenging parts of the dead spider’s to eat as a snack later Beau knew something was wrong.

So when Caleb created the tower for the night, Beau moved to talk to Yasha in private. The barbarian didn’t even come to dinner with the rest of them, she just retreated to her room in the tower without saying a word. She had barely used it since they became girlfriends, most nights they spent together in Beau’s room. But the last few days they both slept alone, Beau respecting Yasha’s privacy up until now.

Beau knocked on the door, there wasn’t an answer, but the door opened all the same. She saw Yasha sitting on her bed, just staring at her wildflower mural turned away from the door. “Yasha,” Beau said again, more pleading this time as she tried to keep her heart from breaking.

Yasha didn’t say anything but she did stop and turn around to look at her. Her eyes were distant and unfeeling, like they had been when they first met and Beau was trying to ignore the pain. She was already doomed, in the, ‘when she’s hurting I’m hurting,’ phase of their relationship.

“I’ve tried to give you space,” Beau said inching closer, “I really have. But you’ve been so closed off the last couple days. If I’ve done something wrong, I’m sorry, please just tell me so I can fix it,” she begged.

That got a reaction of Yasha, “what are you talking about,” she asked unsure of what Beau meant. Her voice was rougher than usual, after not being used for days it came out even more gravelly.

“Y-you’ve been so distant and quiet,” Beau said softly, not trying to agitate Yasha, trying to not sound too accusing. “I figured it must be something I did, so please just tell me so I can make it right.”

It all came crashing down to Yasha, it wasn’t about Beau, but it wasn’t not about her either. Yasha knew, a part of her at least, knew that Beau for all her strength, and beauty, and brilliance, was incredibly fragile. In their time together, Yasha had done her best to make Beau feel as loved as she deserved to mitigate the damage her family had done to her. No wonder she’s like this, Yasha withdrawing, instantly translated into her doing something wrong.

“Beau,” Yasha said softly, “come here,” she patted a spot next to her on the bed.

Beau moved slowly to sit down at Yasha’s side, not wanting to say or do anything to upset the larger woman. Beau knew it had to be something she did, it was always something she did.

“Beau,” Yasha said with her hand on Beau’s chin so her girlfriend would look at her, “you did nothing wrong, I promise.”

Beau was a damn good liar, that helped her know when people were lying to her. She knew in her very soul that Yasha, tall, powerful, beautiful Yasha wasn't lying to her. There wasn’t a trace of falsehood in her violet and green eyes. “T-then why,” Beau started to ask but couldn’t form the words.

“It’s not because of you Beau,” Yasha said feeling ashamed she had put her girlfriend through, “it’s because of me. A few days ago, I had a dream and it bothered me,” that was an understatement if there ever was one. She turned away from Beau, staring into her beloved’s face would make it harder to formulate her thoughts, Beau had the right way of making her mind leave her in all the best ways.

“Was it, you know,... Obann,” Beau asked carefully. Yasha had spoken the the party about her time under Obann’s control, but she knew it was still some of the worst time in Yasha’s life under his control.

“No, I haven’t dreamed about him in a long time, thankfully,” Yasha said struggling. Beau deserved to know the truth, no matter how much it hurt. “It wasn’t a nightmare, it was a good dream, a very good dream,” she said more to the room than to Beau.

“Well…, that’s good, right,” Beau said, knowing the answer. Yasha wouldn’t have been so distant if it was a good thing.

“The dream was good,” Yasha said gripping her hands, her knuckles turning white, “it was of Zuala.” Even after all this time it hurt to say her name.

“Oh,” Beau didn’t know what to say, she knew Yasha was married before, that her tribe killed her and she ran away. But she barely mentioned her and Beau didn’t want to pry. “Well I mean that’s normal, she was a huge part of your life, I’m sure you have a lot of good memories of her.”

“I didn’t dream of our past Beau,” Yasha said, the words coming out like a curse. When Beau didn’t say anything she continued, “it wasn’t real, of course, but when I dreamed I wished it was. I dreamed that I charged forward instead of running away, that I took my wife in my arms and we ran away together. I dreamed of what our life would be together, if she survived.” Yasha sounded miserable.

“I can see why that would make you feel terrible once you woke up and she wasn’t by your side anymore,” Beau said.

“I woke up miserable because I remembered that I loved you,” Yasha shouted. “No, not like that,” Yasha said moving to Beau whose face fell, cupping Beau’s face so she couldn’t look away. “I felt like I was betraying you…, by dreaming of her.”

“What,” was all Beau could get out.

“I love you Beau, I love you so much,” the pain in Yasha’s voice hurt. “But I can’t love you with all my heart. Zuala will always be a part of me, no matter how hard I try to bury my memories of her, they keep bubbling up. When I’m awake you’re there and I don’t think about her as much, but when I’m asleep alone, I can’t help where my mind goes. If I could stop them I woul-.”

She would have kept going but Beau stopped her with a finger to her lips. “Yasha,” Beau said calmly, “I don’t want you to forget about Zuala.”

“H-how can you not,” Yasha asked, as tears started to pour down her face. “How can you be with a woman who doesn’t love you with all her heart. You deserve someone who loves you more than anything in the world, Beau.”

It took a bit for Beau to get her thoughts in order, to decide on what she was going to say. Finally, she came to a conclusion, “Yasha, can I tell you a…secret I guess. I wasn’t really trying to keep it a secret but I also haven’t tried talking about it.” She looked at Yasha for confirmation and when Yasha gave her a nod she continued. “I have a crush on Jester, a big one. I’m not going to break up with you, or cheat on you, or do anything with her, I promise, but it’s still there.”

“I don’t really know when it started, you know how I am with pretty girls, she was the first real friend I ever had and then as we kept traveling together maybe something grew as my feelings for you grew also. I felt like shit, like I was living out every lesbian stereotype in the dirty books I read as a kid, obsessing over my best friend who has a crush on a guy, it’s so cliche, but it still happened. I couldn’t control it any more than I could control falling in love with you. I’m happy for her and Fjord, and I’m even happier for me and you, but I still have feelings for her. They’re not nearly as strong as the feelings I have for you now, but when you were controlled they were pretty damn strong because Jester’s cheerfulness was one of the few things that could soothe the ache in my heart not knowing if you betrayed us or not.”

“I’m not trying to say this to hurt you or to pull this out to counter what you told me, but I just wanted you to know because you need to know you’re not the only one whose heart is made to love more than one person. After telling you that, do you still love me,” Beau asked very quietly now, truths on the table, ball in Yasha’s court.

“Of course not,” Yasha said, surprising herself with how easy it was to say. Yasha knew in her heart that there wasn’t anything Beau could do that would make her hate Beau.

“Well I feel the same way,” Beau told her, giving her girlfriend a smile. “I know you don’t want to talk about Zuala, and I respect that. But I’m not the jealous type, I know she was beautiful and amazing. And I’m just happy she was there for you when you needed her to be and I’m so sorry she was taken from you before her time.” She kissed Yasha’s hands.

“You didn’t even know her,” Yasha said, trying to resist, but if their time together has proven anything, she is bad at resisting Beau.

“No,” Beau admitted, “but you loved her, you love her, I can’t believe that someone you love so strongly, even after all this time could be anything but wonderful.”

“You know that means you too now,” Yasha meeting Beau’s eyes for the first time in a while.

“I-I don’t know about that,” Beau mumbling some excuses. It was funny to see her stumbling over her words, but it hurt to see her so down on herself. Beau was amazing, she was strong, smart, funny, beautiful, and so much more, yet she can’t see it. Beau’s heart was so strong but covered in the scars of what her parents had done to her, just like Yasha’s had been for what the tribe had done to Zuala.

“Well how about we help each other out then,” Yasha suggested. “Not today, but someday, I would like to talk about Zuala, if you’ll be willing.”

“You telling me stories about beautiful women, how can I say no,” Beau said, trying to be funny.

“And maybe, I can show you how wonderful you are so you stop hating yourself Beau,” Yasha said, cupping Beau’s face softly in her massive hands.

“I’m not sure it will work Yasha, I’m pretty broken,” Beau told her, “but I’m willing to try anything for you.”

“That’s all I’ll ever ask Beau, because I won’t stop trying, ” Yasha said, kissing her. Her heart was still hurt, but it was healing, a lot of that is thanks to Beau. And she’d love Beau enough to make her stop hating herself one day. There would always be scars on her heart from losing Zuala, but that was okay because women digged scars. At least her woman did and that was all that mattered.

Notes:

To be honest, I'm not super happy about the ending, I rushed it because I wanted to post today and I have my dnd game in a few minutes but I hope you enjoyed it all the same.