#beatingabuse

[koolasa89-blog]

Letter of Encouragement

Dear future-self,

In times of difficulty or times when you feel yourself going back into the darkness–fight that urge to fall and get back up.

I want to remind you how far you’ve come. How you’ve chosen to take your life back. You chose to rise when inside you wanted to hide.

Watch out for your triggers.

When someone is becoming toxic to your peace, walk away. You’ve been through too much in this lifetime that makes you sensitive to the air that you breath and the people you share it with. It doesn’t matter how much you “love” them–love them from a distance. You can be there for them if they really needed you, but remove yourself from their influence.

If someone is disrespecting you, stand up for yourself. Your voice matters. You have all the authority over your life. It doesn’t matter if they’re a friend, family or foe. Respect is given to everyone and should be received by everyone as well. You would never let a stranger say or do disrespectful things to you, so why should blood or relationships make it any different? Disrespect is disrespect; it doesn’t matter where it comes from.

When you know someone is judging you, be slow to react and do not acknowledge them by judging them. Understand the whole situation and who it is that’s judging or criticizing you. Remember how people judge you is how they judge themselves. It’s okay for someone to critique you…if they have a solution. Other than that. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Don’t go looking for approval or acceptance from others. Peoples opinions of you are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. When you start letting their voices into your mind, you have a habit of accepting their opinion as fact. So STOP IT! Do not go back to conforming yourself and changing yourself to be suitable to others. BE YOU. This whole journey is about being YOU NOT THEM. Those who love you & accept you will stay by you.

Don’t discredit yourself. You know too well that you’ve made some dumb decisions and you definitely will find ways to make mistakes, but make the mistakes that count. If you fail at something, don’t look at it as failure–you just found another way that doesn’t work. That doesn’t mean you stop trying. Don’t be afraid to take risks and do the scary things. You got what it takes and you’ve proven to yourself time and time again that you overcame things that you felt would keep you down. Let your fears meet your courage. You have everything you need to make anything possible. BELIEVE IT!!

Always remember to LOVE YOURSELF. You can never love others if you cannot give love to yourself first. There is nothing about you to hate and there is EVERYTHING about you to love.

You didn’t come this far just to turn around.

–CHIN UP BUTTERCUP–

[koolasa89-blog]

Getting Ugly

I wonder if anyone else ever experienced a moment when they acted completely out of character.

A moment where they did something so wrong, immoral, and shameful that it made them question who they really were. A moment when they looked in the mirror & did not recognize the person staring back. A moment of saying something horrible aloud & then asking themselves, “was that me? Did I really just say that?” Or doing something so beneath them that it made them questioned their own character.

Regardless, if there are those somewhere who suffer with this, I know for a fact– I am this person.

In the mist of finding my beauty again I first had to confront my beast. The beast that put on the smile and said the right things to wrong the people, then did the wrong things to the right ones. I was that person who preached faith & God, but lived in doubt & despair. I was the person preaching team work & helping others, when I really worked for what was best for my interests–even if it costed others. I was advising people on trust, yet I trusted no one. I would talk all day about loyalty & call out disloyal people, but I kept all my disloyalties hidden away where no one, including myself, could see them. I was telling people to open up with their secrets & faults as a way to feel better about all of mine. I was flaunting on social media like I was living a good, stable life, when in reality I was drowning in debt and almost close to being homeless. I was the ULTIMATE HYPOCRITE living the ultimate lie.

So I held myself in contempt. I put myself under interrogation. I took some of my lowest moments, deepest secrets, and biggest denials and I PUT THEM ON BLAST! If I could paint a picture, it would be me alone in a room, handcuffed to a chair, forcing myself to WATCH on a big screen, all of the bad things I’ve done wrong. LISTENing to all my lies, my denials, my gossip & hate. Reliving all the moments I suppressed & digging up all the secrets I managed to bury. I could SMELL the filth of my rotten soul and FEEL the maggots crawl beneath the masks I wore. With every sense I had, I saw my beast & felt my UGLY. And I broke.

It was like reality hit me like a semi-truck smashing a deer. Reality was…every ugly thing I hated about others, every petty thing I despised & judged, were all ultimately things I hated about myself. What I hated in others was a true reflection of my own self-hate. It didn’t matter how good I made it all look or how many lies I told myself in order to believe them–deep down I knew they were all lies; this was all a cover-up.

I had to accept my ugly reality & it was the hardest pill to swallow. Accepting that my cover was blown, I was caught red-handed and I was guilty for it all. This life epiphany was like hearing the judge give you the death penalty. Yet the irony was that instead of death, I was granted LIFE. A second chance.

Realizing where I was wrong, made me think of where it all went wrong. That led me to finding the roots to my truth. Truth is, I was a victim of abuse & suffered major trauma. I lived a life full of violence, death, debt & suffering. I was mimicking all of those who broke me. I abused myself like my abuser. I became a cheater as spite of being cheated on. I chose to build the debt that someone else started. I lied to others knowing they would believe me, just like I believed all the lies I was told. I caused others to suffer like those who made me suffer. In the end, I wanted others to feel my pain. This was my way of suppressing the pain.

Most of the things I did were subconscious and not intentional, but they still happened. There’s no excuse and there’s no taking back my mistakes. But now I am content with my reasonings behind my actions. I was a mirror that was once whole, but life dropped me & I shattered. Instead of putting myself back together, I did broken things to match my brokenness.

So this ultimate wake up call allows me to pick up my broken pieces and making good of all the wrong I’ve done. The truth can be beautiful as it can be ugly, but you have to see & accept both sides to see the truth as a whole. Finding my truth is me taming the beast & finding the beauty. I am NOT this beast, I am the beauty❤ Mantra: Confront the beast, find the beauty.